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My Aim Is Not Puttin' The Show In The Grave
71 Plays2 years ago
Halloween's just around the corner. Do you need to have your spookiest costume on in order to enjoy this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON? Well, no, of course not. What an odd notion. Trouble me no more with this.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth cannot be more excited than they are at this moment. Good thing it's time to present a couple of classic segments from Hello, Smileton (and its previous incarnation as The Smile Syndicate Music Hour). Whether you're in the mood for a vintage, off-putting and baffling edition of DEATH METAL UPDATE or getting direction for your future choices from a years-old edition of ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE, you're gonna get what you need.
Delightful comedy capering, straight from the heart of Smileton. But that's not all! How about a couple of songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICIATE? Consider the deal sweetened.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
4:32 Death Metal Update (from The Smile Syndicate Music Hour, April 1, 2021)
19:48 SONG – Mr. Blue Hullabaloo
23:20 Accuscope Horoscope (from The Smile Syndicate Music Hour, January 11, 2021)
42:33 SONG – Infinity Machine
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Show Preview
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileson. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I am ready to have some fun today, Jason. I've got a big plan. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, you're mixing it up already. I can tell we're in for a crazy show today. Thanks so much for that charming introduction. I'm raring to go. That's why. What? You think I'm not?
00:00:31
Speaker
Yeah, you think I'm not bringing the gusto and the energy to the proceedings today? You're going to insult me if you say such things. Dear listener friends, thanks so much for checking us out today. If the shoe fits, Jason. The shoe doesn't fit, Miss Elizabeth. I hurl the shoe back in your direction if it reflects negatively upon me. I'm doubled over here, Miss Elizabeth, with energy.
00:00:56
Speaker
You have so much energy, you're ready to go back to bed with it? Yeah, I'm too tired to carry this much energy around. What I really mean to say is I'm redoubling my efforts to have fun today, to have a good show. We've got some comedy for you, dear listener friend. We've got a couple songs by Smileton's own The Smile Syndicate. Yeah. 360 Entertainment, that's what this show delivers. Yeah, I'm so excited always to listen to the music because, you know, it is available on all streaming platforms as well. It is.
00:01:24
Speaker
Again, I mean, that's not exactly why I'm excited, but it doesn't. A weird podcast invites our listeners to go listen to something else while this show is going on. Well, now, if you are listening to the music on Spotify, you can also listen to this podcast on Spotify. So it's actually it's their neighborly, their neighbors.
Jason's Festival Rant
00:01:42
Speaker
The whole Internet thing is confusing me and I'll hear no more of it. Dear listener friend, so much fun in store for you today. But before we get to the fun, I got to complain about something.
00:01:51
Speaker
Really? Okay. Because I'm going to tell you how it's going to go today. But if you want to go first, you can go first. Yeah, I would like to go first. Listen, because I've got something on my chest and I've got to get it off right now. All right. I've got something on my chest as well. Well, you're just really one-upping me today, aren't you? Fall festivals.
00:02:09
Speaker
fall festivals. You probably have them where you live, dear listener friend. Oh my goodness. All the pumpkin spice festivals. I'm so I can't take it. I love them. Oh, you can't take them. No, there's too many. You can't. If there were one or on the outside to fall festivals here in Smilton, I would say fair enough. There are 23 fall festivals this year, Miss Lewis, but I counted them. What an asinine number. Some of them are for different themes. Like there's the fall festival fashion.
00:02:36
Speaker
And then there's Fall Festival Foods. I know, Mr. Elizabeth. There's Fall Festivals, everything pumpkin spice. And then what about the lucky lady who's getting married in Fall and needs a Fall Festival just for weddings and the whole wedding industry?
00:02:51
Speaker
Do you see, dear listener friend, that headache that's developing within your noggin right now? Women love fall. Imagine how I feel. They love fall because you know why? It often tones really, really well with the complexion because of all the different color changes that are happening out in the season. Because those muted greens. Are you sitting here, Miss Elizabeth, trying to convince me that 23 fall festivals is actually a good idea when my
00:03:16
Speaker
A pounding headache tells me otherwise. Are you allergic to pumpkin spice? I'll tell you what I'm allergic to, Miss Elizabeth. Polka Bands. Oh. I don't know how Smountain tied polka bands and fall festivals together, but every festival has a dazzling array of polka bands playing in town. It's the most unholy cacophony because all these festivals are going
Audience Engagement and Requests
00:03:35
Speaker
on at once. You can't go outside at all without being bombarded with the most maddening, fun house, cracked, crazy mirror music assault you ever heard.
00:03:45
Speaker
Well, I think the two words fun and music come together out of that sentence to really describe what is happening in our town these days. It is fall festival fun music times for people who like to have fun. Jason, you know what? Not everybody likes to have fun. Maybe you're one of those people who doesn't like to have fun. I like proper fun. Miss Elizabeth, not 18 tons of it coming at me from every direction at the same time. It's an unholy mess. I don't know. I don't know what to do about it except put my head under a large quilt and hope for this thing to pass.
00:04:14
Speaker
Fall themed quilts, you know, there's a whole theme a whole quilting themed fall festival I give up we're gonna move on because no gonna keep you snuggly. I didn't love it. I didn't move the needle miss Elizabeth is as Unperturbable as ever. Okay. Well, listen, I have got a super good idea for this show I think that we should open it up to our audience here in Smiles in our local Smiles an audience. I
00:04:38
Speaker
That's a bad start to any idea. We need to ask people in Smileton, get ready, write down your ideas, and start sending them into the pneumatic tube, because we are going to play whichever segment you request. And we have them on a database, right, Jason? Yes, there's a database of old segments that we can bring back for a delectation one more time. Normally, I like one of us to be in charge of that. Not call it, oh, come on. Here comes the first one. Here they come. Oh, my goodness. Pneumatic tube. Ignore that message.
00:05:08
Speaker
Uh-oh. Looks like we have our show set up already. Okay, put the garbage can underneath the two and they can just go straight in there where they belong. Uh-oh. Somebody got in a bit too late under the wire. These are gonna keep coming. I better read it out. I don't want to hear it, Ms. Elizabeth. Here we go. Okay, this is the first one. Now, just for the record, you saw me, Jason. I chose the first one. Okay.
00:05:30
Speaker
Yeah, we don't want this to be unfair. No, our first lucky picker is from the delightful Smileton neighborhood of Misty Lagoon. Okay. Hooray. And this picker would like to hear the death metal update. Oh, good choice. A person with taste from episode 204 of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour, which is the previous
00:05:53
Speaker
That's right, the spiritual forebear of this very show. Yeah, it's still based in small, basically this show just with a different name, which was called, I Go Looking for Trouble Wearing Hip Waiters. Do you remember that one, Jason? I do. I do too. And it originally hit the airwaves on April the 1st. Uh-oh.
00:06:11
Speaker
April the 1st, April Fool's Day, back in 2021.
Death Metal Scandals and Updates
00:06:17
Speaker
Well, let's listen. It's April 1st. It's a new dawn for the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. And here we go, slamming the brakes. By doing a segment, I don't understand why it's even on the show. Yes, I'm up first with the Death Metal Update. Death Metal Update, that's right.
00:06:30
Speaker
Could we not just cut this segment and call that a change for the better? We never do it again. Otherwise things stay the same. Okay. Well, we don't do it every single episode and we do get Request upon request upon request for it. So strikes me as unlike
00:06:45
Speaker
Well, so you've got some you've got some updates for us that do not belong on this show This this we started doing this back in 2019. We're still doing it today the the immediate Emergency that required you to give us death metal updates on the show is long past now You claim the audience is clamoring for it. They are a word of that. That's right But we might as well just get this over with as quickly as possible. So let's hear it. Let me get to it Okay
00:07:07
Speaker
Death Metal has been making great strides towards acceptance in popular culture, and this happy situation is partly thanks to hit TV shows like The Headless Death Metal Singer.
00:07:19
Speaker
Have you been watching this Jason? Oh I've been missing that one. Are you sure? I see you sometimes sneaking in an episode or two. I think you're mistaken. Well it saddens me to say that even a terrific show like this is not immune to scandal. Oh. I can report, you're gonna enjoy this Jason, I can report that the rumors are true and a lip-syncing scandal is about to land this show in more hot water than a boiling cannibal's cauldron. Oh.
00:07:45
Speaker
The scandal is focused on no fewer than three of the singers, the headless guy with the orange suspenders, the headless guy with the yellow overalls, and the headless guy with the rainbow cape. Oh yeah, those guys. I have to say I sometimes wonder if the headless guys change their outfits just to have a different character type to play on the show.
00:08:05
Speaker
The only way you can I tell them apart is because of their outfits miss I know it was need to stay the same But if they trade them up then they can play the different characters you see Yes, but the show would make even less sense than it does currently all right well What should have been a triumphant triumph for death metal is threatening to become a tawdry Scandal all too easily pounced upon by death metal hating ruffians really don't become one yourself Jason
00:08:35
Speaker
This reporter is planning to appear on a number of talk shows to explain how this scandal does not reflect on death metal as a whole. We will survive this one folks.
00:08:49
Speaker
Like, they're headless. The costumes they wear, they appear to have no head, so I don't know why them lip-syncing would make any difference at all, because we can't see them singing anyway. There's nothing more death metal than being headless.
00:09:04
Speaker
It's the most death metal thing. Again, if you go back to the show, Miss Elizabeth, and listen to what you say during it, you may want to give your head a shake during those playback sessions, because that made no sense at all. If I want to do that, good thing I have a head, so I can give it a shake. You've got to pick a side, Miss Elizabeth. This is the road to madness.
00:09:24
Speaker
In happier news, local death metal, seer, visionary, imagineer and entrepreneur. You know who I'm talking about? It's Jorg Flernstadt has announced that the 2021 Smilton Death Metal Festival is a crypt burgling go.
00:09:40
Speaker
and the hits just keep on coming. The death metal world flooded into Smiles in last year and was met with giant open undead arms. This year we'll see the festival upping its game in every imaginable way, says Flernstadt. Says our trusty festival organizer, Miss Elizabeth, I am beside myself. If you thought last year's festival was a historic event on a global scale, this year's celebration will make that one look like a ghoul picnic in an abandoned shed.
00:10:10
Speaker
I can't take it anymore, Miss Elizabeth. All these similes, these death metal similes, they gotta stop. Yeah, well, I will be giving, he says, I will be giving details as we move into the summer. But let me say this now, my intent is for the Smiles and Death Metal Festival 2021 to commence this July and never end.
00:10:30
Speaker
That better not be true, that better just be promotional braggadocio, because if he intends to have that festival take root here and never leave, that is going to require some radical action on my part, Miss Elizabeth. He does continue by saying, never, Miss Elizabeth, can you feel the excitement and let this reporter hasten to add, I can, York, I can.
00:10:49
Speaker
Elizabeth, you're conspiring against this town's well-being by throwing your lot in with this ne'er-do-well. You know, the death metal lifestyle is, I mean, it just is an ongoing lifestyle for the people who are involved in the lifestyle. And as you know, Jason, there is a thriving death metal culture here in the community here in Smilton. And the town is suffering every day the weight of burying those ne'er-do-wells on its broad, but mortal shoulders, Miss Elizabeth. The town can't take it forever.
00:11:17
Speaker
Nor can I. The town is really struggling under all those piles of cash that all the death metal economy is bringing to the town. Is that all you care about, Miss Elizabeth? I care about culture, I care about community. Definitely one of the pillars of livelihood here. Smileton in recent months has become a hotbed of death metal music video activity. Have you noticed this, Jason?
00:11:38
Speaker
It all blurs together after a while, Miss Lucy. You can only take so many face-painted ne'er-dwells wandering around with smoke machines and all that nonsense. Yeah, all that has been going on and this is why groups from around the world have been flocking to our fair town to shoot their video death metal statements using Smilton's panoply of spooky backdrops as their sinister setting.
00:12:01
Speaker
No, not terrific. And believe it's a death metal sensation's raunchy gremlin to bring their adult-oriented brand of doom-loving fun to the hallowed grounds of our fair town. Raunchy gremlin. Yeah, Smileson is pretty spooky. Your graveyards are really full of that unearthly energy, you know? So says Beastus McCaffrey, raunchy gremlin lead vocalist and trombonist.
00:12:25
Speaker
We had all these bikini ghoul chicks running around the graveyard and they got scared because the night seems darker here somehow and one of our crew fainted for no reason so that's gotta be demonic. It's like you guys are living on a hellmouth or something. Tell me something I don't know, Beastus. I think you're an active participant in the moral corruption of our town now.
00:12:47
Speaker
We can't have raunchy gremlin coming to town with bikini chicks. It's not moral corruption. It's just called fun. Miss Elizabeth, if our school children saw these bikini ghouls wandering around in the graveyard, they're going to think that's what I want to be when I grow up. And the next thing you know, they're in juvie. OK.
00:13:09
Speaker
Alright, or they're just in a really cool music video. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm starting to fear you're too far gone. Listen, if you don't fully understand and you're not on board with Death Metal yet, let me give you some new releases. I understand and I'm not on board. Okay, so here's some new releases that might help you to get on board. This is the onboarding strategy. I don't think we have enough Death Metal in the world. We don't need more albums coming out. Okay, so Transfixed Flesh Eaters, that group, brings us Montana in my heart.
00:13:33
Speaker
From Undead Night Haunters, we get Prairie Breeze. Again, you're not doing this right, Miss Elizabeth. Those can't be real albums. Well, from Avalanche of Entrails, we get Feeling Fine on a Sunday afternoon. Are they? Have you even tried any of these? I'm giving you suggestions almost every month. How would I know if I heard it?
00:13:52
Speaker
I guess, like, if you just played me a song, I don't know that I could tell it from any other death metal song. Well, you'll know because, you know, you pressed play on that one song, on that album. Count Philippia, you know Count Philippia. He brings us Blueberry and Me on the Road to See America. It cannot be a death metal album. That sounds like a pokey travelogue. Count Philippia is as death metal as they come, and Blueberry is his donkey. I know about Blueberry, Miss Elizabeth.
00:14:20
Speaker
The world's strongest donkey shouldn't be dragged into a recording studio. I'm pretty sure he volunteered Cannibal warlock. This is my last suggestion for you Jason. Honestly, if you you could get it right on board death metal This recommendation is gonna turn me around on the whole genre. Yes cannibal warlock brings us my mother's scrapbook. Oh
00:14:40
Speaker
It's a very easy entry. Cannot be death metal. I don't know. Either you've mixed up the titles, you've scrambled them somehow, or... You know what? Scrapbooking can be death metal. You know what they're doing? They're trying to trick people. They're trying to trick people into buying their albums. You're looking for something for your granny. It's not a trick. My mother's scrapbook, that sounds like something granny would like to listen to, but you didn't notice this by a band called Cannibal Warlock.
00:15:01
Speaker
If if you're yeah, okay, so if by marketing you mean you like you're saying that's being tricked They are doing some really good marketing, but scrapbooking somebody stand against this can be death metal you can scrapbook in black and white and red and and dark dark purple Elizabeth and some some really dark sort of sickish greens and
00:15:22
Speaker
Can't you? Sickish greens? Yeah. That's what you want to bring into the smiling culture is sickish greens, Miss Elizabeth. Whatever. Keep your sickish greens in the swamp, because that's where they belong, and bury them underground. Okay, well, do you remember about the death metal trivia question? Yes. So do you remember the last one?
00:15:42
Speaker
No. Okay. Honestly, Miss Elizabeth, by that point in the segment, I am gone. I'm just tuned out completely. Try to stay with me because this one's super cool. Okay. Answer to last week's question. Of the choices given, Lake Superior, Lake Erie, and Lake Cryptis, the one that is not a real great lake is Lake Cryptis. Oh, really? Yeah.
00:16:03
Speaker
That was a tricky one, Miss Elizabeth. If that was the answer you gave, then you got it. I believe that a Death Metal fan is rarely, if ever, cracked an Atlas, but I think even they would be able to figure out which one was made up. We haven't fallen so far that we're renaming the Great Lakes after Death Metal conceptions. Yeah, most Death Metal fans nowadays are not cracking an Atlas. They are just looking online, you know, doing Google Maps and Apple Maps, too, you know.
00:16:32
Speaker
Oh, I know how hip, how technically with it today's death metal fan is. A lot of them are. I mean, not Count Valifia. He has he has a lot of atlases. Oh, man. On today's question, everyone knows Swedish death metal legends Arctic Blood Fiend and their famous 10 album Epic, in which they eschewed instruments of any kind and preferred to bark, growl and grunt their musical instruments much to the world's delight.
00:16:56
Speaker
But did you know that before they became Arctic Blood Fiend, the band went by a different name, much more in keeping with their calypso origins? And what is that name? Answers on a postcard. Please send those in. There's no way that can be real. Write your answers on a postcard and mail those in. A calypso band turned into a death metal band?
00:17:14
Speaker
You know, that's the thing is that you're so, you seem so confused. You can only be death metal. No, people start in a different genre and then they move into death metal. Sometimes they start death metal and then they morph into something a little bit more country or a little bit more elevator music-ish.
00:17:30
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, you can spare me that nonsense. I'm not one of your rubes that you're trying to convince me. Just put on a little bit of face paint. You'll be all right. Just put on this cloak. So this edition of the death metal update is at a close. Arrivederci. Oh, that's that's your new song.
00:17:45
Speaker
off line you sign up and then I sort of do I do a thing if you saw me on video I'm like doing oh yeah yeah okay well miss Elizabeth I guess manners dictate that I have to thank you for that segment oh you're quite what I think you've dug us into a hole and I'm gonna have to strive mightily dead yeah
00:18:03
Speaker
Well, my aim is not putting the show on the grave, Miss Elizabeth. I want it above the daisies. Prancing in the meadow and you want to bury it six feet under. We're going to have to not agree to disagree. We'll just have to duke it out later. In the meantime, let's turn our attention to something a little more sunnier. Old stuff. Right here on Hello, Smile. Excellent choice. Oh my word.
00:18:25
Speaker
I could have gone worse, but I gotta say it's a dicey start to the show, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, well, I don't think it was dicey. I think throwing the show open to random, oh, come on. Yeah, so people are this excited. So we are going to have to do this again next time. Now, you're too late. What do you mean, no, we won't do this again. For another show, later.
00:18:45
Speaker
No, Miss Elizabeth, there's got to be some quality control over the show. Love. You've opened the door. Now the Hoi Paloi think they can just drive this show into the ditch. OK, well, who knows what they're going to ask? They're going to stop asking for old segments next. I hear you too. I'm ignoring you.
00:19:01
Speaker
Okay, so this one, hang on, let me just open this up here. Okay, because this one on the outside of it says, um, not a request, like not a... Oh, okay. So just hang on, let me just open it up. Was it the first one, Ms. Elizabeth? Are you being choosy about which one? Okay, so this one says, Jason, please desist from calling us, uh, the Hoi Paloi. Oh!
00:19:18
Speaker
Signed a Smileton resident. No dice, you ne'er-d well. If you're throwing stuff at this show randomly, ladies and gentlemen, silence. Good comments. I'm getting a barrage. If you're not working for the success of this show, you're working for its demise, and I'm going to resist you. Well, you know what might help you feel better? Is this maybe some music? Miss Elizabeth, you have reminded me. Music is also there to be a balm on a damaged soul. Which apparently, your soul is damaged today. Okay, let's play Mr. Blue, hullabaloo.
00:20:03
Speaker
A brilliant twirl on a sunny day With snowshoes on the beach He takes a bath with a jumper on Listen and he'll teach
00:20:19
Speaker
Everybody thinks he's odd and everybody gets it wrong. Can you see the beams of sunshine? Anybody hear a song? Here he comes, Mr. Blue, hollow balloon. The squares can't dig what they think. He's gone anew, see me and you. Can we see Mr. Blue?
00:21:04
Speaker
He goes sunbathing when it rains Trainers in the snow He flies so high in a submarine Listen and you'll know Everybody thinks he's armed and everybody gets it wrong
00:21:28
Speaker
Everybody hear the song, here he comes Mr. Blue, holla-balloon The squares can't dig what they think He's gonna do it, see me and you Can we see Mr. Blue? He's trying to show us something They say he's just a strange little fellow
00:22:03
Speaker
They don't like his nonsense. Everybody thinks he's odd and everybody gets it wrong. Can you feel the beams of sunshine? Everybody sing along. Here he comes. Mr. Blue, hollow balloon. The squares can't dig what they think. He's gonna do. I see me and you. Can we see
Humorous Horoscopes
00:22:30
Speaker
Mr. Blue?
00:22:31
Speaker
He's trying to show us, here he comes Mr. Blue, all of the Lulu Squiz can't dig what they think He's gonna do it, see me in
00:23:11
Speaker
Mr. Blue, hullabaloo by the smile syndicate right here on Kello's mouth. And finally, something decent on the show. Excellent. Oh, what a relief. Miss Elizabeth, I think we should maybe just play smiles. I'm sorry. It keeps coming in. I have no control over this show. Yeah. OK, well, here's our second pick. OK, so here we go. And let me just open the canister. Another pick. OK.
00:23:31
Speaker
Our second pick is also from one of our Smilton neighbors which we knew it would be because only those would be accepted. This message comes to us from the Summer Oaks neighborhood. Nice part of Smilton. Yeah and this person would love to hear the oh my goodness Jason you're going to approve of this one.
00:23:50
Speaker
What is it? The Accuscope Horoscope from Episode 181 of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. It originally aired January 11, 2021 as part of an episode entitled Dealing with a Robot's Droppings. OK, let's listen. Dear listener friend.
00:24:07
Speaker
It's time to breathe easy, but your course through this month is just going to get that much easier. A steady hand is now on the wheel here to help you steer your way through your life. I can only be talking about Accusco, Porresco. I hear music.
00:24:26
Speaker
the inner mind is awakening ready to share its secrets and this is not only your tinnitus it is nothing to do with that miss elizabeth and i'm sorry if i'm talking a little loud but i gotta talk over the noise in my head because it's deafening
00:24:41
Speaker
I should say so. Dear listener friend, you're in for a treat. I have cleared the way, the bric-a-brac of my brain to get the messages straight from my subconscious, the inner mind, the most scientific thing in the world. It can only lead to the most scientifically accurate horoscope in the world. Any delay risks a bad choice on your part, dear listener friend. So let's get to it right now. Capricorn, you're a Capricorn if you were born between December 22nd and January 19th.
00:25:11
Speaker
This whole astronaut thing is a pipe dream. Face it, they don't even send humans into space anymore. If you're so keen to be involved with space stuff, maybe study robot waste disposal or become a rocket ship crash test dummy because that's all you're really good for in the space age.
00:25:29
Speaker
Wait, do they not send humans into space anymore? Are you sure? Not according to my inner mind. It's all robots up there, and all the only thing humans are good for anymore is dealing with their waste. I think that... Dealing with our robots droppings. Might be inaccurate. Also, do robots have droppings? Miss Elizabeth, if you want to start questioning the inner mind, that's a thorny thicket to be charging into in your bathing suit. That's what I gotta tell you. Well, I would like to become an astronaut, but I'm not a Capricorn, so I guess maybe... Exactly. Okay.
00:25:57
Speaker
Aquarius. The Aquarius zone is between January 20th and February 18th. If my readouts are correct. I hate having breakfast at your place. Can I not just get some freaking normal jam? I don't know what the hell I'm looking at here. Wow.
00:26:15
Speaker
Aquarius, the inner mind regrets having to lay it on the line so firmly, but you gotta stock normal jam. The jam is a problem, Miss Elizabeth. You gotta stock normal stuff for normal people. Okay, so maybe it's the sugar-free jam that you're using just isn't very good. Or sugar-free, weird, misshapen jars. If it's homemade and it's sold in a crappy building, it's more authentic. It's gross. I want factory-produced jam. Safe.
00:26:42
Speaker
Wow. Consistent, plain. That's what I need. Sounds horrifying. That's what every sane person and that's what the inner mind is screaming for and that's what Aquarius is failing to live. All right. Okay. This is getting off to a weird start. Aquarius, if you clean up your act, you might get a better horoscope next month. That's the way the inner mind works. Okay. Pisces. You're a Pisces. If your birth date falls in that magic zone of February 19th to March 20th, of course you are the sign of the fish man.
00:27:12
Speaker
You will be invited to attend a costume party this month. If you choose to go, please be aware that the homemade robot costume you love so much isn't going to pass muster. Oh, okay. Maybe it's like a doll egg or something. All the other guests will be dressed as 18th century lords and ladies, but what do I know? Do what you want. You never listen to me anyway. Well, I think it sounds cool.
00:27:35
Speaker
Pisces is always marching to the beat of their own drummer, and I predict this costume party this month is gonna be a train wreck. Yeah, you think it might be a doll egg, Miss Elizabeth? Whatever form that robot's in, it's gonna get titters, it's gonna get guffaws, and Pisces is gonna be quietly asked to leave, not 22 minutes into the festivities. Sounds like a lot of fun, Pisces. I say exterminate.
00:28:03
Speaker
No, that's bad advice, Miss Elizabeth. You've been encouraging Pisces in this Doctor Who direction for a number of months now and look where it's leading them. Aries, March 21st to April 19th. Stop peddling that homemade applesauce. Again with the homemade.
00:28:19
Speaker
It tastes horrible. And all the nudity you've got on the label really isn't helping things. Wow. That's interesting. That's very specific. You know what? I've got a lot of problems with the various signs, homemade spreads. I can't take that jam. I can't take this applesauce. Yeah. But you know what? If somebody wants to make their own label and it has some nudity on it, I say go for it. It's weird nudity, Miss Elizabeth. It's unnecessary. It's not artistic.
00:28:44
Speaker
How do you know? How do I, because I got two eyes and a brain, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. Taurus. Dear listener friend, if you've already been covered by one of these signs, I trust you're feeling better already that you know what to do in the choices this month that you will be facing. Taurus, April 20th to May 20th, a cousin will come to stay with you in the next week or so. Just as a heads up, they're going to successfully steal your identity.
00:29:13
Speaker
But don't worry, you don't switch bodies or have an exact double of you walking around or anything like that. Nah, it'll be more like a bunch of credit cards and mortgages will be taken out in your name. So, like, paper stuff. So, like, who cares, really? Okay, okay. So they can calm down. Well, yeah, you hear identity theft and you get freaked out. It's like, I'm gonna get cloned. Somebody's gonna take my life over and people won't believe me. I'll be living in, like, the whole world becomes an insane asylum. That's bad news. And it's like, oh, I get some bills I didn't owe. Oh, I'm so scared.
00:29:43
Speaker
you do what I do when you get mail when you get mail coming in that you don't like feed it through the shredder who cares it's paper hey I got this paper you better you better clean up your act well cram your paper I feel you all your paper is fodder for my shredder that's how you should be approaching life dear listen friend clone you don't have a clone I mean that's that's a big god for that or a doppelganger god forbid that's what I'm saying miss Elizabeth all see now miss Elizabeth agrees how great the inner mind is so yeah
00:30:10
Speaker
Don't sweat the small stuff. Gemini, May 21st to June 20th, your short temper is going to get you banned from that candle store and I'm glad. Maybe now you'll learn to control yourself. And no, I won't go talk to them for you. Last time I did that, you got to go back to that pottery studio and the next thing I hear you're getting arrested for wrecking their kiln. Both kilns are expensive. Fool me once, Gemini. Wow. I'm sick of going to bat for Gemini and getting burned.
00:30:36
Speaker
Well yeah, you are gonna get burned if you're dealing with a broken kill on those hotheads Gemini you gotta I can't be the one Putting the putting they're putting the boundaries around you putting the lid on your activities You got to get some self-discipline going. Okay. Well, they're not banned yet from the candle. They're gonna be okay cancer June 21st to July 22nd
00:30:59
Speaker
You like rhymes so much, Cancer? Here's one for ya. I'm so big is what you think. Well, guess what, friend? Your month will stink. Wow. That- I didn't think that- I didn't see that rhyme coming. No, you didn't. Can you repeat that?
00:31:14
Speaker
I'm so big is what you think, well guess what friend, your month will stink. That's a poem. That's better than a rhyme. No kidding, it's a poem. That's a poem. That's the inner mind for you, leaving its magic. I would love it if for next week you put that to some music. That should be a scary readjustment for cancer that I would not want to trivialize by turning into a ditty.
00:31:42
Speaker
Well, I mean, it sounds great to me. It's got a good theme. Well, Cancer has been rhyming and rhyming, and they're getting loose with what's important. I don't even see that this is a bad one.
00:31:55
Speaker
The inner mind just told you your month would stink. But that's because cancer thinks like I'm so big. So you think like it's basically it's like you're gonna have some hubris and you're gonna maybe take a little tumble. I think like well go for it like give it a try. Once in a while you surprised me Miss Elizabeth I didn't know you were rooting so hard for cancer to get some come up and spit this month but that's what's gonna happen.
00:32:18
Speaker
Leo, July 23rd to August 22nd. You will go to a buffet this month. You will be tempted by the broccoli and cheese sauce you see next to the rice. Don't try it. The cheese they used is going to taste weird. If you want to be a good citizen, go back to your table. Quickly craft a don't. The cheese tastes weird sign and stick it right on that broccoli. Better yet, make the sign at home beforehand and bring it with you.
00:32:44
Speaker
Wow, so don't even taste it and just put a warning warning people if you want to if you want to ignore the inner mind Go ahead, but I'm telling you you go to the buffet You're gonna see that broccoli with that delicious looking cheese sauce all over it. It's gonna taste weird. You're real I am yeah, okay, and guess what? I'm not having have you made a sign yet?
00:33:03
Speaker
Have I made a sign? I made that sign last year, Miss Elizabeth. I knew this one was coming. What does the sign say? Don't the cheese taste weird? Yes, I use it all the time. You should make a t-shirt with that slogan on it. Okay. Don't the cheese tastes weird. We've got a few t-shirt ideas in mind. Maybe we should start doing that. I'm wondering if your inner inner ear was was tipped off by last night the cheese that I put on the pizza.
00:33:29
Speaker
Pizza? There was pizza last night. Were you cheesed off by the cheese that I used on the pizza? We agreed not to talk about that. Dear listener friend, we had a pizza party for the interns here at Smile Syndicate HQ and Ms. Elizabeth insisted on making the pies and it turned into a fiasco and I'm not gonna talk any more about that because we got to- So this is not related to the cheese? Not related. So the cheese was okay? I tried to bury that in my memory Ms. Elizabeth because I'm still upset.
00:33:54
Speaker
Okay, so I'll use the same cheese next time. No, you won't. Virgo, August 23rd to September 22nd. No, you're talking to me, so be careful. I'm talking to all Virgos on planet Earth. Including me, and I'm right here. From all the continents, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. You got a Virgo in Africa. You got one in South America. You got a couple in Asia. Okay. Not just you. All right. Europe. But I'm sitting right here, though. Australasia. Okay. Antarctica. Are there any in space?
00:34:20
Speaker
No, just robots. Okay. Your month is going to be a roller coaster, so hang on tight. Okay. Early in the month, you'll see someone slip on a banana peel in a cafe and they'll fall spectacularly and you will be delighted. Yup. Like nobody's business. Jackals. Our studio audience is full of jackals. Well, that sounds funny. Laughing at human misery. You'll tell friends about it. Well, human comedy.
00:34:43
Speaker
He'll tell friends about it for days afterward, but things go south on you later in the month when you get fired from your job after sending threatening postcards to your boss.
00:34:53
Speaker
Okay, so yeah, it's up and down Virgo, so maybe maybe a little you got what you deserved Oh, well, I don't think okay. I don't think they're getting fired from our job Well, we probably shouldn't be sending those postcards. See your love of postcards your death metal postcards You want people to send in they it's zing ya it's gonna zing ya Okay, well, what's that got to do with the banana though? Cuz that was pretty funny
00:35:14
Speaker
Yeah, you took the light and human misery and at the beginning of the month and you thought everything was coming up roses And then later in the month you got zinged and you've got fired and that's that Virgo, you're gonna have a fresh start in October So still start checking those classifieds right now
00:35:30
Speaker
Right Libra September 23rd October 22nd. I'm not getting the whole scarves thing Yeah, I know they're fashionable, but they look terrible on you quite frankly this month Just go cold turkey on the whole scarves thing Well, don't don't get so down in the mouth about it Come on Libra. It's not that here. Here's something to cheer you up next week's winning lottery numbers are 11 17 20 21 28 35 Wow
00:35:59
Speaker
There you go Wow inner mind takes away, and it gives in space I think we better. I think we better actually put get those numbers now that now that the inner mind excuse me Excuse me just to say it again. It's 11 excuse me 18 20 21 excuse me 28 are 35 are you a Libra?
00:36:21
Speaker
No, no, you're not and neither am I so guess what happens if you try to play those numbers what you'll lose Oh only Libra's are gonna win that because they got no sense They in a different reality Libra's well, they apparently are with this scarfs thing. Have you seen them? They look brutal wearing a scarf
00:36:40
Speaker
Well, you know, you have to wear a scarf when it's cold. So Libra, you got some hard truth given to you. Wow. We have got to get those numbers because we will never ever live it down. We'll never live it down. We won't win. That's not the way it works, Miss Elizabeth. Scorpio, October 23rd to November 21st. Venus is in ascension. Jupiter aligns with the moon.
00:37:01
Speaker
Saturn's axis has aligned with Neptune. Please relay this information to your space fleet sub-commander. This is just the intel we needed to swing the balance of power in our favor and away from the Frel yons when next we meet in battle. How surprised our foe will be. I think you maybe got some lines crossed there in your inner ear. I don't think so. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Scorpio, that was intel for a space battle that's going to be happening in our very solar system, Miss Elizabeth.
00:37:29
Speaker
in our solar system i think that no that again right again i spoke pretty clearly and if and if you've had your head in the sand you don't know where it wore with the frelions okay i don't know what to tell you they blew up our second moon we only have one left now good lord did that happen it
00:37:46
Speaker
It did happen. The chunks raced past us straight to the sun. It looks spectacular, but it was horrifying to think of the poor moon people. And then did they, like, erase all of our memories of the second moon? I don't know what's going on. That Frelion war is bigger than you and me, Miss Elizabeth. But what I gotta tell you is that the inner mind is part of the resistance and we just provided some handy intel to guide our space commanders. So interesting. I'm personally, I'm reading Dune Messiah right now. Are you now? Well,
00:38:17
Speaker
That's the most irresponsible thing I ever heard in my life. We've got a real life space war.
00:38:23
Speaker
and you want to read about the adventures of Chewbacca and R2-D2. That's ridiculous. Sagittarius, November 22nd to December 21st. Thanks for nothing, Sagittarius. I give you that can't miss tip on a bunch of racehorses and you parlay a hundred dollar investment into eight million plus and you can't spare your old buddy a little cabbage. That's gratitude for you. Next time, I'm keeping my tips to myself. Oh, except for this one, Sagittarius.
00:38:51
Speaker
Oh no! That's terrible!
00:38:55
Speaker
I gave the inner ear. No, the inner mind gave lottery numbers to Libra. And apparently it hasn't learned this lesson because the inner mind got burned, given those horse tips to Sagittarius. Sagittarius, all Sagittarius is the world over became millionaires overnight because of a parlay at the horse track. And they can't see their way fit to throw in a little cabbage towards yours truly.
00:39:21
Speaker
yeah we get bent is the least they should be doing basically if you're a Sagittarius maybe like instead of getting bent you should subscribe to smile syndicate dot local dot com and all that money so yeah exactly support the show five dollars a month Sagittarius harp dough you're a harp dough if something to do with leap years and the mine calendar and overlaying calendars and doing it in the right the first move yeah it's basically made up it's
00:39:54
Speaker
It's too confusing you haven't been able to defend what the heck is a Horpto, but you always seem to have good advice. We were all Horptos once. Some still cling to the old ways, Miss Elizabeth, and the world will be a crap hole until we all become Horptos again.
00:40:10
Speaker
You're just skipping rope while your whole life burns down all around you. But keep going. The state finals are next week. And if you and your team win, it's scholarships all around. Wow. Now that's the way to go to college. And your life's not burning down around you if you're going to college. Not if you're staying focused on that skipping rope. That's the sure way to get into the Ivy League on a sports scholarship. Next thing you know, you're in the big time. So keep on going. Stay positive and keep doing your thing.
00:40:37
Speaker
Well, that's the inner mind. The inner mind has spoken, Miss Elizabeth. May we should heed its words, lest we hit the ditch. And this is the right time of the month now to give you those eardrops. You like playing with words, Miss Elizabeth? No. So go right in there. Your wordplay will trouble me no more, Miss Elizabeth, because I'm going to turn my attention onto something else.
00:41:01
Speaker
More old stuff. More enjoyment right here on Hellos Mountain. Yeah, there you go. Not bad. Not bad at all. I feel like I'm going to take some wisdom from that horoscope even just for this, even though it's a different year. It's over two years old and who cares? It's as timely as ever.
00:41:17
Speaker
But every year we go around the sun, like every single year. Since when, Miss Elizabeth? So things, you know, might be, well, and the Earth is always like turning. It's a positively, a Copernican revolution on the show today. Things are always revolving. So I just think some of these things come back and smack you right in the face.
00:41:34
Speaker
It's true enough, Miss Elizabeth, true enough. By the way, how is your inner ear these days? My inner ear is just fine. It's clear that the tubing is all nice and fresh and appropriate. It's not red. It's not swollen. Good. Everything's going well as it should, Miss Elizabeth. Congratulations. That out of the blue question has nothing to do with the Axioscope Horoscope, as I frequently point out.
00:41:57
Speaker
Well, I think you do receive like radio waves through the air due to your infection. No infection. So I'm hoping that you at least have a medium to moderate one going on in this coming week because of the fact that we have a new month starting up and we're going to need some direction, Jason. Well, yeah, don't worry. I'll provide it. In the meantime, let's listen to a song.
00:42:17
Speaker
I think we need to turn a computer loose on this problem of how to structure this show properly. Sounds good. And it can only be one machine, and that's gotta be the infinity machine. Forget it, tube. You're too late. Let's listen.
00:42:48
Speaker
That you don't know Go to places you can't go No one knows from whence it came Just plug history into your brain
00:43:16
Speaker
computer, punch cards stacked by helpless rooms, cabinets reaching to the sky, make sure not to ask it why.
00:44:05
Speaker
See the word is madness
00:44:26
Speaker
and unplug it from the wall who created this obscene mammoth eight ton hell machine
00:44:50
Speaker
infinity machine. Well I think that was a good choice in any case. That's right. That's a future dystopian us ruled by computers that's as timely today as it was when it came out. It's a warning.
00:45:05
Speaker
It's a warning and a clarion call for action. Watch out! It's like a heads up. Yeah, pretty much. Heads up, Miss Elizabeth. I hope next week's show goes far differently than this one. I hope it's full of all new material. And I hope I'm not pestered from all sides by the hoi polloi and the ne'er-do-wells and the no-goodniks. Okay.
00:45:27
Speaker
If that sounds too hopeful to be true, dear listener friend, I gotta say, fi on your cynical outlook on life, and I think you need us more than ever, so join us next week for another all-new episode of Hellless Mountain where we'll set you straight. Yeah, it's gonna be good. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth.
00:45:44
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileson. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileson, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye bye from Jason. Bye bye. And bye bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.