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Saving Kittens and Being Handsome
35 Plays9 months ago
Get ready to have the needle on your Entertain-o-meter pinned with this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Comedy and music delightedment courtesy of our plucky hosts Miss Elizabeth and Jason. They're broadcasting from Smileton and this little town is punching well above its weight when it comes to knocking you out with funtime content.
In the latest SUNSHINE REPORT, Miss Elizabeth shares anecdotes about the amazing things happening in our town. Jason's in no mood to hear it.
Probably because he's too worried about the injured street hockey players reported on in the latest SMILETON NORTHSIDE COMMUNITY STREET HOCKEY LEAGUE INJURY REPORT.
Our trusty hosts then keep each other honest and grill each other about the status of their rashly committed-to resolutions in a brand-new NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION UPDATE.
Catchy songs from the heart of Smileton are also gonna slither into our hear holes, courtesy of THE SMILE SYNDICATE.
Wow – this sounds like a show you gotta hear!
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
2:02 The Sunshine Report
14:05 SONG – Boogie Got A Groove Loose
17:35 Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report
24:35 New Year's Resolution Update
34:05 SONG – New Planetoid
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Show Purpose
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smiles and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I am ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, thank you so much. Introduction. That's when I know it's time to talk. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. I hope you're in the mood to hear us.
00:00:29
Speaker
Deliver comedy. Comedy and information. Deliver music. Information. About Smileson. It's your one-stop shop for keeping yourself occupied.
Listener Engagement and Focus
00:00:39
Speaker
You don't need to be listening to other shows, you don't need to be listening to other music, you don't need to be reading a newspaper, you can get everything you need from this show. It's enough of your divided attention. That's the one thing I forbid of our audience, divided attention. You're a bit jealous of other podcasters. I'm looking out for our dear listener friend because this split attention thing is leading to some subpar outcomes.
00:01:05
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth. If they focused on this show, their troubles would go away? Well, that's true. Pretty much. That's true, but it's only for 45 minutes. They need to fill their time with something else after that.
00:01:16
Speaker
We have plenty of other shows to listen to. I am sorry to just lay it on the line for you, dear listener friend, but we're dancing like crazy up here on stage.
The Sunshine Report Begins
00:01:26
Speaker
And if we look into the crowd and we see you with your back to the stage, looking at your phone, eating popcorn, yapping with some dullard, it puts us off performing, or at least it does in my own situation. You're putting yourself off. I'm excited to get going. I have some important information to relay.
00:01:46
Speaker
Yeah, I'll stop squawking about you, dear listener friend, and I'll just invite you to come along for the comedy and music joyride, which we're going to get underway like right now about. It's funny you say the word squawking because I have... Oh boy, I know what's coming here. Well,
00:02:02
Speaker
Ms. Elizabeth likes to provide her perspective on different aspects of Smilton life. And when something magical happens, something that tickles her fancy, something that's delightful, she likes to pull these anecdotes together.
00:02:17
Speaker
into something we call the Sunshine Report. You would think looking at the name of the thing on the tin and opening up that particular tin would be a delightful experience and nothing but refreshment. And joy is inside, but often you'll find yourself flummoxed, confused, decidedly annoyed by this segment.
The Turkey Prank
00:02:39
Speaker
Where is the trust? All I can hear is you squawking, squawking. Let me hear you gobble gobble.
00:02:47
Speaker
Oh, I don't like that. I don't like the sound of it at all. I've got some information for you. This is the Sunshine Report. Yeah. Miss Elizabeth, give us the good word. If you don't mind me getting started. Last month, I interrupted the show to deliver a breaking news story. The Bulletin concerned three men, all dressed as turkeys, doing donuts in Harvester Square in a car that was also decorated to look like a turkey. It was amazing. It was so funny. You're laughing at the delightful anecdote. Okay.
00:03:15
Speaker
I'm horrified at the journalistic mouthy. Okay, my goodness. Let me explain the joke to you. Three turkeys do not pop out of another turkey. It's hilarious. When you announced last month that there was an important bulletin for the citizens of Smilleton, people dropped their dishes. People dropped what they were doing, Miss Elizabeth, and you scared them.
00:03:39
Speaker
I scared them while so many people were- With needless nonsense. They were delighted with that bulletin that I decided that I needed to do a little more news hound investigative digging. Well, I gotta say, I'm excited to deliver a sunshiny update to this one through various contacts who shall remain anonymous, Jason, for their own protection. I was put onto the trail of a certain trade, Turkey.
00:04:05
Speaker
Trey Turkey. Trey Turkey, a local Smileson accountant. So your informant is anonymous, but the pranksters who did that stupid stunt, you're just announcing their name over the airwaves? Well, everybody knew that it was Trey. His last, he changed his name to Turkey. He changed his name to Turkey for obvious reasons. He was suspect number one.
00:04:24
Speaker
Well, I arranged to meet Trey as I wanted to ask him all about his turkey shenanigans. We met at Connie's Kettle, a great place to meet, and wouldn't you know it, he brought his two turkey confederates with him. Those turkey confederates should be in the slammer right along with Trey turkey. Well, you know what? It's difficult to get them all to fit in any kind of a room. Never mind if it's like a prison room, which is, you know, really quite small, like a prison cell.
00:04:51
Speaker
Three turkeys in one cell. They could barely move. Those costumes are so big. Hilarious. I think a little bit of rubber hose applied liberally by the Smownton police to the skulls of said turkeys might change your attitudes a little bit. Are you talking about spraying them with water? No, I'm talking about slamming them with rubber hoses. Oh my goodness. Oh, just, you know, shake them up a little bit. Maybe knock some scents into them. You're talking about jail. You're talking about prison.
00:05:16
Speaker
and think a little bit of jailhouse abuse might set them right. Okay, they loved the publicity that they got from our show and they were so grateful that they wanted to give me a surprise. So we went into the mall parking lot and there was the turkey car. Being towed away, hopefully. Trey went into the trunk and pulled out a fourth turkey costume. Oh boy. It's almost like a clown car but like a turkey car because you can keep on pulling more turkeys out of it.
00:05:43
Speaker
It's a world of wonder. Isn't that amazing? So that one was just for me. I hopped right in the car and with them we went off honking our turkey horn. It had a really good turkey, sort of like a turkey call. I'm pretty sure Jason, if we went out into the wilderness and we honked our horn, like more just wild turkeys would just encroach on our car. The pied piper of turkeys. Yeah, but exactly the pied piper of turkeys.
00:06:07
Speaker
Yeah. How are you spending your life, Miss Elizabeth? That's my question. Doing fun things with fun people. How are you spending yours, Jason? Holding my nose at the nonsense. You are. You're just not enjoying life. We were spreading those gobble gobbles and shooting the turkey feather cannons off everywhere. Super fun.
Nostalgia and Hacky Sack
00:06:27
Speaker
I have to take your word for it because that sounds extremely off-putty. Okay, you know what? I'm gonna get you a turkey costume and we are gonna have fun together. No, we're not. Out in the wilderness, turkey-turkeying around. We don't need a turkey car. Okay, thank you. Yeah. Is that it for this update? Well, that was a dizzying day of fun spreading tears through the Tri-town area. Not the least- You left town?
00:06:50
Speaker
You're, oh, you're embarrassing the whole community. The Tritown area, and that was not the last time that I'm doing that, Jason. No way. Oh, okay. Well. I'm calling this one Hacky Sack, more like Wacky Sack.
00:07:04
Speaker
It's almost as though these are specifically calibrated to make me molto agitado. To make you irritated? I'm sorry. Okay. I will try not to irritate you with this one, okay? Why? Oh yeah. This is me trying. Okay. My quest for new hobbies is never ending. I thought you liked Hacky Sack, by the way.
00:07:21
Speaker
What would a legend think that? I think I have been pretty... You play hacky sack with your buddies at the mall. Are you pranking me? No. Is this in jest? No, I think you play hacky sack with your buddies at the mall. No, I forbid my food court regular friends from playing hacky sack. I work to stamp it out from the community. It's in the mission statement of the Smiles and Betterment Society that I founded. No more hacky sack in town. So I don't know how you got the back end of that.
00:07:48
Speaker
I did get the back end of that stick, and now what's going to happen is I'm going to fail in my mission not to irritate you. So here goes this story. My quest for new hobbies is never ending, and I know how much you are on about Hacky Sack all the time, Jason. Yeah. And I just thought you liked it. So I decided to- You don't even listen when I talk.
00:08:07
Speaker
I'm sorry, I just, I get enthusiastic about things. Yeah, and you hear what you want to hear and the whole town suffers because of it. That's right. I decided to try out the latest trend made popular by Generation Z. The Hacky Sack House Party.
00:08:22
Speaker
What part of that attracted you to even consider such a thing? Well, Hacky Sack house party. Yeah, all of those are bad words in my book. I was talking to my friend Tiffany, the blacksmith, and it turns out that she was hosting a house party that weekend and she generously invited me to join the Hacky Sack fun. Yeah, some friend.
00:08:45
Speaker
I wasn't prepared for how fun it was. You weren't? No, there were 30 people there at least. You have to almost break up into smaller teams. I met a bunch of nice people, mostly slackers, and also some goth checks were there too. So I could fit right in with those goth checks because of my death metal.
00:09:07
Speaker
fashion sense sometimes. It's a real 90s scene, lots of grunge. I'll say that again. You can say that again. On the boombox and lots of hacky sacks. Grunge, goth, swackers. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm a person of a certain age. Did you watch a Winona Ryder movie after that? We might have. I mean, if we haven't, then we should now. Yeah, Winona Ryder, awesome. Crank the Pearl Jam. The hacky sack is a metaphor for fun, Jason.
00:09:33
Speaker
No, I don't think it is. It takes all of us working together to keep that little bundle flying through the air. And I think that's a good lesson for everyone. What about the person standing off to the side holding their nose, condemning the whole activity? Well, I don't know. What do you do when the hacky sack flies at your face? Do you do something about it? I don't want that. What do you think? Self-preservation kicks in. Something that's been on everybody's feet is going to be in my face.
00:10:01
Speaker
And I'm duckin', I'm hittin' the deck, and I'm screamin' all the while. Lights, camera, handsome.
00:10:09
Speaker
Okay. Is this about me, Ms. Elizabeth? Oh, no. A photo shoot I didn't know about. It isn't. It is about a photo shoot though, sort of. Okay. If you're laboring under the misapprehension that you've seen enough reality shows to last you a lifetime, then check yourself. A new reality show just began filming in Smiles and through some wonderfully improbable circumstances, your little old, yours truly found herself right in the middle of the action. Yeah.
00:10:37
Speaker
I do like to get myself into the middle of things. Yeah, you're a medlar. The Flames of Handsomeness is a locally produced reality show that will soon be airing on Netflix. It follows the adventures of the Smilton Handsome... What a mouthful, Miss Elizabeth. You dropped that atom bomb that whole sentence. Netflix? Smilton Reality Show. The Flames of Handsomeness. I think I know what it's about. Netflix is going to show this thing.
00:11:04
Speaker
So the Smileson Handsome Firefighter Brigade. Yeah. Bring down kitties from trees. Yeah. Make sure they're safe and make sure no one's heard after a fender bender. Yeah. And holding charity car washes all the while battling Smileson's most tricky blazes.
00:11:20
Speaker
They aren't doing that, Miss Elizabeth. No? They are ignoring their duty. They're fender benders, kittens. Meanwhile, the town's ablaze. You gotta save those kittens, otherwise they stay up there and it's pretty sad. You have to rescue those kittens. When they do their little muse...
00:11:37
Speaker
Yeah, it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. Let some neighborhood kids save the cat. Leave the firefighters to fight the fires. But then you get a kid stuck up a tree and still you're calling the handsome firefighters. Fine, then you get a fly and a frog and a cat and a dog and whatever else and they all live in the old woman's shoe. And then you leave me out of that story.
00:11:57
Speaker
It all ends with the Handsome Firefighters lending a hand and being handsome while they're doing it. While chatting during a ride along to a Handsome Firefighter bachelor's auction, I mentioned to Captain Steele that I was in the media and right then and there he said, we need social media posts while we're filming this thing. You want to help us out?
00:12:23
Speaker
he offered? Yeah. Yeah. So of course I was filming him while he said that. I like how you have conversations with people and you're just sitting there filming them the whole time. And they don't get annoyed. It's like, oh, you're filming everything I'm saying here. I just happened to be. You should post it on social media because I'm so interesting. I just happened to be filming. So all I had to say was, yup. And this will be my first post, LOL. Yeah. You guys are amusing yourselves.
00:12:48
Speaker
Captain Steel high-fived me and I spent the rest of the day getting all kinds of raw, handsome footage. This show is going to be great, but if you really want to see what really happened, tune into the Flames of Handsomeness channel on Creckel. Yeah, that platform is going downhill on a toboggan. No, it's going uphill because of the Flames of Handsomeness. I used to like going on Creckel and now it's only garbage like this that I see. It's a depressing sight.
00:13:15
Speaker
That's so sad. Well, that's the Sunshine Report for this time. Yeah, exactly. Sunshine Report, sad. Feeling a little bit... It's ironic. It's a mocking... It's a mocking thing you do. Okay, keep on smiling and be on the lookout because you never know when magic's gonna happen. Oh, Mrs. Elizabeth, I'm tortured by that segment. Mm-hmm. A bunch of bad stuff and I'm powerless to do anything. Why? Okay. I would shut that show down. I don't understand because we had turkeys coming out of other turkeys. Oh, and the turkey cars. The cops can take care of that one.
00:13:41
Speaker
And then we had Hacky Sack, which nobody can complain about. No one likes, I agree with you. And then we had Handsomeness, and Saving Kittens, and Being Handsome. Well, my head hurts, so let's do something about it. Music. I'm going to reach over. Here we go. Let's tune in to Smile from Radio. We're going to play a hit song by My Band's Smile Syndicate. All right. Boogie, Gotta Groove Loose. Let's listen.
00:14:25
Speaker
Dance away this fever
00:14:40
Speaker
Town's gone funky and the things are burning high I'll party in the carboos Love train chugging in the boogie beats of fire Booty got a good use Town's gone funky and the things are burning high I'll party in the carboos Love train chugging in the boogie beats of fire
00:15:19
Speaker
Brawling in the green path
00:15:56
Speaker
Brothers and sisters, I'm telling you now, it's a gift from the stores. The food he shall ever grow around them will remind him from here and apart. Can you see people's rights? Power will raise you and get set in sight.
00:16:24
Speaker
Let me take hold of you and test you into that glorious light Booty gotta groove loose Town's gone funky and the breeze are burning high I'll party in the carpools Love train chugging in the boogie piece of fire Booty gotta groove loose
00:17:14
Speaker
You know Jason you're handsome, maybe you could save a kitten No, I told you miss Elizabeth far more important things to do than saving a kitten What's what's more important than that? I challenge you to the neighborhood kid carefully think carefully Miss Elizabeth's cats are fine. They can climb down if they want to just being stubborn
00:17:35
Speaker
I'll tell you what else is, who else is stubborn? Who's stubborn? Smile to Northside community street hockey players. They refuse to give up even though they're injured and sometimes their injuries are such that they have to sit out until they heal properly. All the sports bettors in town need to be keyed in on this information otherwise their bets will go awry. Now this is street hockey, this is the hockey, like road hockey that's played on the street.
00:17:57
Speaker
Street hockey, Ms. Elizabeth. It's a community league. Yeah, it's not the Northside Community Street hockey. I know, I'm just being clear. You give us the update every Smile to News about what's going on in the games, and I'm here right now to tell you about the injuries that have been plaguing some of our favorite players. These players are hurt, they're off the road for the time being, and I'm going to tell you what's going on and when to expect them back and place your bets accordingly. Sounds amazing. Let's kick it off with Muggy Dougson. He's the goalie, of course, for the wide rhino boys.
00:18:25
Speaker
You know, he did himself a good one here. He was lifting a keg above his head, slipped out of his hand, dropped right on his noggin. I don't even know where you get a keg in this town. At a crazy party, Miss Elizabeth. So he drops that thing on his head, total amnesia. He can't even remember how to play street hockey now.
00:18:44
Speaker
So I heard through some back channels that the team is planning to hit him in the head again to try to bring his memory back. Oh, don't do that. That's dangerous. It might just work, Miss Lizzo, but he's listed his day-to-day in the meantime. He might just want to get out of being on the team. Like maybe he's just faking it. I think he was probably celebrating another win and a little bit of an accident right on his skull. Total amnesia. Another whack to the skull. Set him right. That's what I'm saying. I don't think so.
00:19:12
Speaker
Jimmy Hot Pockets. He's a defenseman for the lady pleasers. I like that team. They actually do please the ladies. They please this lady. I only care about what goes on on the street, Miss Elizabeth. He was breakdancing, doing one of those spinning moves. You know, on his head and he fell through an open manhole. That's weird. Straight into the sewer. He'll be out four to six weeks once he regains consciousness. That's the estimate. Okay. That seems unlikely. Both of these stories seem unlikely. Okay.
00:19:40
Speaker
What do you mean unlikely? He was spinning and beatboxing and making those crazy sounds while he was spinning on his head and he was like a tornado and people were screaming at the open manhole. Didn't hear him because he was beatboxing too loud. Down he goes, head first. What's a manhole doing open? I don't know. I smell a rat. I'm just glad they weren't playing a street hockey game. They could have had players by the dozen falling into that thing.
00:20:04
Speaker
Gary Groch, center, garbage people. Boy, he's not been loving life lately. He's in the middle of a messy divorce. So he was out. So, you know, it's a tough place to be, Miss Elizabeth. He needs some distraction. So he went out to a strip club. One of his buddies got drunk, gave him a wet willy. He freaked out and then he like fell over. Wait a minute. What's a wet willy?
00:20:28
Speaker
You stick your own finger in your own mouth and you stick that finger in someone's ear. Oh. A wet willy. I don't. That's gross. It is gross. So you can see why Gary Groch freaked out and hit his head on a table. He's probably concussed. Doctors are monitoring the situation. Wait a minute. He hit his head on a table. Was he underneath the table when he got the wet willy? He was sitting at a table watching the show. His friend leaned over. I do not understand. Right in the ear.
00:20:53
Speaker
How do you get your head knocked on a table then? Because he freaked out, he jumped, he slipped, down his head goes onto the table, or he was on the floor thrashing around, he knocked his head around to the underside of the table. Miss Elizabeth, I don't have all the answers. I don't believe this story. I think that he shouldn't have been going to a strip club. What will he? Myrtle LaFleur, right wing for the Greater Smilton Pottery Guild? This one's probably true.
00:21:17
Speaker
Well, she was out hanging laundry in her backyard and a magpie flew overhead. Pooped on her! Yeah, that happens. So she goes inside to clean up face first into the screen door. Broke her nose. She was too agitated, too distracted that she got pooped on. She didn't open the screen door. She thought the door was open and went right in.
00:21:36
Speaker
Have you ever seen anyone actually, like, step right through their own door? Like, and just break their door and walk right through it? She didn't break the door. The door broke her nose. So she won't miss any games, but she'll have to wear a football helmet until the nose heals. Okay, well, she can still play. Yeah, she'll just be wearing a football helmet. Okay, that's reasonable. It is. It is. Football helmet's way better than an hockey helmet with a face shield on it.
00:22:02
Speaker
I don't know why you're laughing. Everybody should be wearing... Because it amuses me. No one thought to put a hockey helmet on her. She's wearing a football helmet. Mick the Nut Nutburg Center. Well, listen. If all you've got is a football helmet, you better wear what you've got. I guess, I know. Yeah, yes. You gotta wear it. It's a catch-just-catch-can situation. Mick the Nut Nutburg Center for the Pumpkin Joker Nut Squad. Mick the Nut Nut? Mick the Nut Nutburg. Mick the Nut Nut.
00:22:31
Speaker
He's got a cool nickname when you want to turn it into some kind of funny preschool pantomime. Mick's name is now Nut Nut. Mick the Nut Nut Bird. Mick Nut Nut. Pumpkin Joker Nut Squad.
00:22:49
Speaker
He was hit by a car. He was hit by a car while on a breakaway against the big bugs. This is a serious story. Twisted his ankle out for a few games at least. You'd think this would happen way more because they are playing out on the street. Carr didn't know what was going on. Just went zooming through the game. Hit Mick the nut. Right in the ankle. So he's out now. So nut nuts out for the down for the count. Mick the nut. Okay.
00:23:10
Speaker
He's not down for the count, he's hobbled, but he's going to be out for a few games. Then he'll be back better than ever. More fool you if you count Mick the nut out. That's the injury report. Adjust your bets accordingly. Don't bet on Mick the nut nut bird for the next few games because he won't be there. Nut nuts out. Don't bet on him to score and don't bet on the pumpkin joker nut squad to do jack without him in the lineup.
00:23:40
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, my patience has been tried by this episode. I'm still reeling from the Sunshine Report. It's like you fine-tuned it like a surgeon's apparatus to irritate the annoyance center of my brain. Your content was like very hard to believe, like most of the stories. Hard to believe. I believe that they're injured, but I do not. I witnessed most of those, Miss Elizabeth. It was horrifying seeing them spin and everyone's saying, look out! Down in the manhole. Okay.
00:24:08
Speaker
What a sound that made. Miss Elizabeth, don't remind me of these past travails. Let's hope for them all to heal up soon. And let's turn our attention to some hard-hitting advice and hard-hitting commitments that we got to check each other out on. We don't need to give advice. I'm going to give you advice on what a proper resolution is. That's what I mean. Yeah, OK. You're very combative. I'm just going to report. New Year's resolution update. OK, it's just a report. Hit the music. All right.
00:24:35
Speaker
New Year's resolution update. It's March. It's the end of March. We're still talking about resolutions. Do you listen to a friend? We do it all year long. Is anyone in your social circle, has they even said the word resolution in the last eight to 10 weeks? I know. I doubt it. They all drop it. They forget it. They forget they ever were boastful or uttered rash promises to commit to behaviors. But Miss Elizabeth and I are different. We're a different sort. We're going to check in on each other's resolutions right now and keep each other on the right track. That's right. So I'm going to kick this one off. Because we're supportive.
00:25:04
Speaker
Yeah, I'm going to support you find a better way because you're very irresponsible with these resolutions. That's not supporting. In my book it is. Here's one I want to ask you about presently. Okay, let's hear it. Experience one new taste sensation at least once a week. Yeah, that's still my commitment. I've been doing it, by the way, every single week, sometimes more than a week. It does say at least you can do more.
00:25:27
Speaker
Oh, don't strain yourself, Miss Elizabeth. Don't lie there in bed. How dare you? Don't lie there in bed and pop another kind of chewing gum in and say, ah, that's a taste sensation. It is a taste sensation. And then go back to sleep or go back to loafing. Oh, my goodness.
00:25:43
Speaker
You were so insulting. I don't know what you mean, Miss Elizabeth. You were insulting that concept of resolution. All right. Well, let's hear your resolution. Yeah, let's go. I'm sick of not being able to climb trees. That is not a resolution. Fed up, Miss Elizabeth. That's a statement of fact. Being sick of something is not a resolution. Resolve it. Fix that situation. OK. I'm resolving to climb trees. Is that what you're doing? Well, I don't know any other way out of the conundrum. Well, you could cut all the trees down.
00:26:13
Speaker
Oh, that's a different perspective, Miss Elizabeth. Sometimes your skewed thinking and cracked brain comes out with something. I got a ponder here, but that's a lot of work. It is a lot of work. It might be easier for me to climb a tree than to cut them all down. You think it's easy to climb a tree? Easier. I'm going to take a video of you climbing a tree and post that on social media. Go right ahead. Okay. People will say, is that Spiderman?
00:26:35
Speaker
No, it's just the tree climbing whiz. Okay. That's another resolution. Become known as the tree climbing whiz. See, that's a resolution. Although, why would you want to just become known as the tree climbing whiz? You don't have to climb trees to become known as something. Why don't you just resolve to learn? Again, another left field suggestion where maybe I earn a reputation for something I never did. Yeah, that is what you could do. Probably easier to climb that tree.
00:26:59
Speaker
Yeah, you could be easier to touch. You made me think, Miss Elizabeth, and I guess that's something. There you go. Here's yours. You're welcome. Wear more t-shirts that are emblazoned with positive messages. Oh, would you not? I have too many shirts that are emblazoned with just like, I don't know, not positive messages, like just scenes of happiness, but they're not positive messages. You're not telling people what to do with your clothes. Using my clothes as an instructional format. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, positive messages, like keep on trucking.
00:27:29
Speaker
Okay. Stuff like that. And I'll tell your t-shirt to shut up. I'm already trucking and I don't need advice from any piece of clothing. This t-shirt can take it. Okay. Stuff like that. I'm not going to argue with your wardrobe. Okay. How about, um, climb that tree, Jason?
00:27:46
Speaker
Okay, way ahead of you, shirt. All right, expand your roster of snappy comebacks. I need a pocket full of those things, Miss Elizabeth. That seems extremely low energy for you. For one of you, because usually yours are like very hard to do, difficult to accomplish, physically challenging.
00:28:08
Speaker
Sometimes physically insane. Let me up the ante then. I want comebacks that not only am I lightning quick with them, it psychologically devastates my target. Okay. Somebody cracks wise at me, I just whirl around on them and just give them a zinger. Okay. And I want to just, they need to collapse in tears. All right, so one of your resolutions does not make more friends. Mrs. Elizabeth?
00:28:37
Speaker
For you to be my friend, one, you gotta stop cracking wise at me when I'm out of public.
00:28:44
Speaker
then the whole thing of me going nuclear with my snappy comebacks wouldn't be necessary. But here we are, and my pockets are a little light. I don't have quite the number of snappy comebacks the situation is demanding recently. So I've been made to look a little foolish sometimes while I struggle to find a comeback only to get zinged again. I get a left, I'm going to retaliate, meanwhile a right haymaker comes on in. I'm sorry to hear that. No, you're not.
00:29:12
Speaker
Learn how to say, keep going, you're doing great in 10 languages. Yeah, I know a few languages, that phrase, but not near 10. Not 10? Not 10, no. Well, it would be less irritating if I didn't know what you were saying. I'm not even sure if I can name 10 languages to be honest with you. Well, you got work to do on this resolution, don't you?
00:29:32
Speaker
Are there 10 languages? I think so. Okay. I think there's probably more than 10. More than 10? There's more than 10 spoken and smiled in Miss Elizabeth. It shouldn't be. Go to Connie's Kettle. You hear all kinds of conversations there. I guess you could count like sign language as one of them. You don't, you know, go ahead and do that. Also alien languages from outer space. Okay, so there's definitely lots of languages. Throw sign language in if you want, but there are lots of other languages too. Okay. And they're spoken by humans and used by humans. All right. By hand or mouth. Okay.
00:30:02
Speaker
Run one of those nut job ultra marathons. Why are you saying that you want to do something that you already are stating? It's a nut job thing. Run one of those nut job ultra marathons without any training. Don't even break a sweat. It's all attitude. That's right. That's my hypothesis. You're not going to succeed. What do you mean? You're setting yourself up for failure. Of course. You're setting yourself up.
00:30:29
Speaker
Well, yeah, that's why I have to have the right attitude. I scoff at the challenge by calling it a nut job thing. When you come in with the right attitude, Miss Elizabeth, I went on a run once and I decided to take a different route. And I got to a point where I was picking up my trail again and I was already done the running time.
00:30:46
Speaker
But I had to keep going and I wasn't really that far into the run and I ended up doubling the length of time I was out running. And do you think I collapsed? Do you think my knees gave out? Do you think some bystander put that silver coat thing on me? I think you might have thrown up. No way. You threw up. I didn't throw up. Miss Elizabeth, I threw up later, but that was nothing to do with the run. It was all mental. So if I can double the length of the run with a mere whim.
00:31:12
Speaker
What would a solid commitment look like? Multiply that run by a hundred or a thousand. What is an ultramarathon? Like a hundred K plus through a... So is that four marathons in a row? Well, two and a half.
00:31:26
Speaker
What's a marathon? Oh, is it 42? 42? OK. Yeah. Miss Elizabeth, it's ultra. Doesn't matter the distance. It's tough. Yeah. If you think it's tough. I'm not sure if it's tough, but I'm going to show up. I'm going to have like jeans on. I don't know if it's tough. I think it's long. I'm going to have jeans and a rock and roll t-shirt on and a headband.
00:31:44
Speaker
And I'm just going to say, let's go. Let's crack this race open. And then I'm going to take off. And people are going to be sweating and huffing and puffing. And I'm just going to be running around like it's a walk in the park. So just watch. Attitude. I'm already there. I've effectively done this one already because I'm so positively inclined towards this one. My mindset is locked in. OK. I'll be there to cheer you on. Try to gainsay. It's like bouncing a bullet off of.
00:32:13
Speaker
Okay. Does that happen? I don't think that happens. No, it doesn't. But if it did, that'd be, you know, it'd be nothing. The star wouldn't even notice it just like I don't notice your jibes. Okay. Or quips. I'm not trying to jibe. I'm not trying to quip. I'm just trying to say I don't understand some of these things.
00:32:28
Speaker
Okay, well, watch and learn. That's New Year's resolution update. Well done. Wow. Congratulations. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're taking some life lessons from the stuff I say, teaching people like you is exhausting. You have the dull looks and you barely pay attention, but maybe something seeped into your brain. I'll wear one of my new t-shirts to your marathon, your ultra marathon. It's just a watch Jason go. It'll say, keep going, you're doing great.
00:32:54
Speaker
Well, yeah, thanks. Let's hear a song. All right. We talked about stars. We talked about bullets bouncing off them. How about a planet? Yeah, a new planetoid. A new planetoid. Let's listen.
00:33:29
Speaker
A weary traveler's cast your sight upon the gleaming glow. Filled with tears, you gotta trust those disbelieving eyes. A whisper cloud, a chunk of land, a heaving purple sea. Across the stars, we finally found a home for you and me. You've had a toy that's smaller
00:34:54
Speaker
The horizon is too close. The water smells. The sun's too bright. The landscape is too flat. Our old world was much better. There's no disputing that. But it took three days to get us here, and I ain't gone.
00:35:17
Speaker
It's a new planet toy, it's smaller than Earth was New planet toy, but it does all that Earth does New planet toy, I'm thinking we should stay New planet toy, it's a new planet toy
00:35:40
Speaker
It's smaller than Earth was New planet toy But it does all that Earth does New planet toy I'm thinking we should stay New planet toy It's a new planet toy New planet toy It's a new planet toy
00:36:07
Speaker
New Planetoid by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hellos Mountain. Sometimes as I'm falling asleep I imagine I am living on a new planetoid. Yeah. I'm floating away into sleepy sleepy land. It's like earth but not as good. So maybe but yeah we're here now so we might as well make the best of it. It's pretty though. It's very pretty. I guess well dear listener friend we had some fun today we're gonna be back next week the this this joyful treadmill exhausting Miss Elizabeth. Yeah.
00:36:34
Speaker
but we were here we delivered and we'll be back next week we did deliver congratulations Jason thanks same to you you did well well yeah you did congratulations you're doing great okay okay nope i'm not gonna take your t-shirt bromide
00:36:51
Speaker
This one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so share it with as many people as you can. The world needs more Smiletons, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is the true cross.