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I'm Not Gonna Get Book-Writing Tips From A Dog
36 Plays8 months ago
Pull down the tarp and marvel at the perfection beneath. Are we looking at some kind of Greek statue or something? NOPE. It's just this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Miss Elizabeth and Jason bring their high-spiritiedness to the fore as they broadcast from Smileton, podcasting capital of the world.
In today's episode, classic segments are presented and they smell fresh as daisies.
Whether we're listening to Miss Elizabeth give us the rundown from some of the other 91 podcasts she does weekly in MISS ELIZABETH'SPODCAST CATCH UP or hearing from the citizenry of Smileton as they present their fractured takes, warped views, and off-the-wall utterances in the SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD, funutainment is all but assured.
Add a couple of songs from Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE and tell me that isn't the sweetest podcast pie you ever saw or tasted.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps
3:37 Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Catch Up (from May 17, 2021)
18:07 SONG – Mr. Blue Hullabaloo
22:05 Smileton Community Message Board (from January 31, 2022)
44:18 SONG – Your Bikini Tells Me Otherwise
Recommended
Transcript
Welcome to Smileson Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileson. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Let's go, Miss Elizabeth. Let's go. Truer words were never spoken. Yeah. I just regret the fact that we're a little bit late. Regret? Late. Off the starting line this week, Miss Elizabeth. We're running late this week. Well, we had a miscommunication.
00:00:33
Speaker
Hi, you want
Scheduling Conflicts and Podcast Overload
00:00:34
Speaker
to okay, dear listener friend. Yeah, dear listener friend. Thanks so much for joining us. I hope you're in the mood for dirty laundry because let's open up the sack. Oh boy. Really? Yeah, let's get into it Miss Elizabeth. Okay. I was here promptly at the schedule time for us to record.
00:00:55
Speaker
the latest episode of Hello, Smiles. And what do I see? I walk in and I'm, whoops, somebody's been sitting in my chair. There's a ne'er-do-well right now sitting in my chair. We have a nice studio. Smiles Syndicate HQ, beautiful podcasting facilities. Many millions of dollars have been poured into this place. It's a good place to record podcasts. And as you know, I record 91.
00:01:25
Speaker
One other shows miss Elizabeth does 92 podcasts a week appalling. So I booked it. You didn't read the schedule schedule You always assume that you know that the podcast studio is gonna be available, but I told you it's only for this show Hence the name smiles indicate HQ. Well, I have been using it for other purposes and some other types of
00:01:48
Speaker
Don't appreciate the fact that this show has one. I see where it comes in on the priority list, which is number 92 out of 92. Number one. You were recording your yoga podcast. You did the death metal one. I can't
Reflecting on Podcast History
00:02:06
Speaker
believe Jorg was in this studio.
00:02:08
Speaker
Everybody was here. Everybody waved and was kind and polite and you got in such a huff and you stormed right out. That's right. And then you didn't come back. And then I was like, should I? I'm here now. I'm here now. I'm a temperamental artist. You know that when you signed on the dotted line. Do you want to do a show with me? One of the things that I find most enduring about you, actually,
00:02:31
Speaker
I don't mind it. I think it's very adorable. What I love is that I get Miss Elizabeth that writes on misbehavior, and she tries to churn on the charm and become inappropriate with her podcasting co-hosts. Inappropriate. Miss Elizabeth, there's so much good stuff to be doing on this show. I wish you'd turn more attention to it, and you can forgive me for the table flip, for the cussing, and for the storming out of here. You did flip a table. You did.
00:02:58
Speaker
Well, it was a potluck. Again, unauthorized potluck in Smile Syndicate HQ. It's going to raise my ire. Broccoli everywhere.
00:03:08
Speaker
That's as may be. That's the past. Can we look forward to the future? Yes. And let's look forward to the future together by looking back at the past yet again, but in a better sense. Okay. This show and its spiritual forebear, the Smile Syndicate Music Hour have been going for, but Miss Elizabeth, it's going to be six years. What? This September. Wow. Ridiculous. Yeah. I don't know what we're up to here.
00:03:31
Speaker
We're trying to make the world a better place. Bring joy. Exactly. And sometimes to get refueled for the next campaign, we've got to look back into the vast archives of Hello, Smoughton and Smough Syndicate Music Hour both, and we've got to pick out some good stuff. And oh, the appropriateness of this one could not be writ larger.
00:03:54
Speaker
we're gonna first thing we're gonna do is pull a classic example of Miss Elizabeth's podcast ketchup from the archive where you go into detail about some of these other shows and dear listener friend you can see where my anchor came from because she's gonna be describing in this segment some of these other whack whack job shows she does and can you imagine some of these people sitting in my seat and I'm sitting there raring to go and I gotta wait for these crackpots to be finished the appen you can see why the needle hit the red zone
00:04:24
Speaker
You just had to wait a few minutes. OK, well, we're in no more waiting. We're going to listen right now to a classic Miss Elizabeth's podcast catch up. This one comes from episode 217 of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. It was titled Tripping Pickles.
Podcasting Advice: Quality vs Quantity
00:04:39
Speaker
I love it. Oh, yeah, Miss Elizabeth said that. You can tell. This thing originally aired, my goodness, 2021, May 17th. Yeah. Let's listen. I wish I could mark
00:04:52
Speaker
your ambition, Miss Elizabeth, but it seems to be boundless because not only do you do this show twice a week, you are also on 91 other podcasts that are recorded and released out of Smile 10, the podcast and capital of the world. And you definitely are contributing your share. I don't know how you can do 91 podcasts, 92 podcasts a week. It sounds ridiculous to me. Yeah.
00:05:16
Speaker
I don't even remember how this came about, but you've decided it's a good idea to bring Dear Listener Friend up to speed with some of the goings-on on all this sickening multiplicity of other shows. OK, well, that's not how I would phrase it, of course. So this is this is my podcast catch up. So it's true what they say about podcasting. The more you do it, the more you love it.
00:05:38
Speaker
The more you do it, the more you love doing it. And I'm definitely loving some of the recent episodes that I've done for 91 of my other shows. Let's take a look at some of the fun that I've been having working on those other shows. Here's one called Back in the Day.
00:05:55
Speaker
Lots of drama. In this week's episode, Jason, it was Terry's turn to do the Deep Dive. That's that hip hop one. You guys delve into the roots of hip hop in the whole history. Miss Elizabeth once again fancies herself an expert in everything. She's a hip hop expert now.
00:06:11
Speaker
Jason, you do not have to be an expert in any topic to have the leading podcast in that topic. You should know that. Apparently. You should know that. It was Terry's turn to do the deep dive. So he was telling us all about the prolific Florida rapper Busta Bricks. Yeah, I've heard of Busta Bricks. B-R-I-X Bricks. Busta Bricks. And he was about 10 minutes in. Busta Bricks gonna move you.
00:06:34
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's good. He's good. When good people, when Jack pants interrupts and goes, we have a call. We got to take this guy right now. You guys have calls live in calls. Yeah. Well, they're not advertising. Basically, if the phone rings, we answer it. Wow. That's how that works. So the caller comes on and it's it's Mr. Gren.
00:06:54
Speaker
Mr. Grimm. You were talking about him last time. Yeah, the guy who's famous and very influential and he never performed once and he never recorded anything. That's right. So I told you a while ago how much the rap world respects him. We put him on the air and he starts cussing us out. Awesome.
00:07:12
Speaker
Again,
Featured Song: Mr. Blue Hullabaloo
00:07:13
Speaker
I would like to hear that episode, Miss Elizabeth. So, Terry kept on saying, calm down, Mr. Mr. Gran. Oh, yeah. Because he respects him so much, he puts an extra Mr. Yeah. Well, Mr. Gran carried on yelling at us, and we finally realized that the guy who was on before was an imposter, which we should have figured out because he kept calling himself Mr. Grem. Oh. G-R-E-M. That slipped past. Oh, Miss Elizabeth. He had an English accent as well.
00:07:39
Speaker
Which should have been a dead giveaway. Wasn't he supposed to be from Detroit or something like that? Why would he have an English accent? Okay, so we thought that he was just putting that on for like a show, but obviously that was... You obviously don't have to be an expert to be on this show, Miss Elizabeth. Obviously not. And it turned out to be a great show in the end because Mr. Gren did a bunch of impressions of us all on the show, which was super fun even though Mr. Jack pants laughed too hard when King P was being imitated and King P's feelings got hurt. Oh no, well, King P is touchy from what I hear.
00:08:08
Speaker
Must have mustard. Oh, I can at least understand going into going into stuff like going into history of songs and that kind of thing. I don't understand a mustard podcast. That's okay. Not every podcast has to be for every single person. Now, normally on must have mustard, we really get into the nitty gritty of what makes a particular mustard so good. Yeah.
00:08:30
Speaker
Obviously only dealing with the really good ones. But today we had to deal with capital M mustard. Mustard as such. Huh? Yeah, mustard. The essential mustard. So you're just talking about the normal mustard you have in your fridge. The yellow stuff you put on a hot dog. Don, I'm not thinking any more about mustard. The idea of mustard, if you will, Jason. So Rudy started the show by confessing that over the last few months he'd been losing interest in mustard.
00:08:57
Speaker
Oh, that can't be good for a mustard podcast. You have to have obsessed weirdos running that show. Yeah, it's not a good scene. So he still puts it on everything that he eats, but he found himself just using whatever mustard was sitting there and not carefully calibrating the characteristics of the particular mustard to the specific culinary situation. So he's becoming a normal person.
00:09:20
Speaker
in a way yeah that is you could say say it like that in other words good for Rudy not caring as much scared him straight with that podcast he realized how much time he's wasted it's a sincerely it's a it's a sign of depression and a mustard lover so for for Chrissy and me this is triple red alert time
00:09:36
Speaker
We needed to help him. Indiscriminate use of mustard is almost as bad as not eating any mustard at all, Jason. So we gave Rudy some tough love in that episode. And by the end, through the sobs, he admitted that he loved mustard again, even harder now. And it was a really good joke.
Bizarre Community Messages
00:09:56
Speaker
Oh, Elizabeth, you brow beat him? You went all- No, we supported him.
00:10:01
Speaker
You didn't. It sounds like you brainwashed him. It sounds like he had that final victory over himself. He loved Mustard. Must have Mustard, Jason.
00:10:11
Speaker
Batty Arts and Crafts. This is a show called Batty Arts and Crafts. We had a very special episode this week. Margaret's sister Mary was in town and agreed to appear on the show. So Margaret's that one who swears all the time? That's right. Unfortunately, we didn't get to talk too much arts and crafts. Our show is called Batty Arts and Crafts.
00:10:33
Speaker
because Mary revealed to Margaret that their father had been arrested because the landscaping company that he was running didn't have the right licenses or something. And the cops also added to the pile that camo body paint does not count as clothing, so maybe get some clothes on.
00:10:53
Speaker
But it's kind of fun to watch him mowing your lawn. Yeah, maybe that would be a better podcast than Batty Arts and Crafts. So anyway, the dad got arrested and he had a bunch of outstanding speeding tickets as well. And so he's in some trouble now. Yeah. Well, good topic for an Arts and Crafts podcast. You never know where Batty Arts and Crafts is going to take you, Jason. It took us into the world of body paint camo lawn mowing. Yeah.
00:11:16
Speaker
So you just never know. Strange new world. I mean, Camel Paint can be like its own little batty arts and crafts if you look at it the right way. So Margaret and Mary spent the rest of the episode arguing about whether to cancel the family reunion. It got personal, Jason. They were planning for this summer. Yeah. It got personal. So I hope you didn't weigh in on that.
00:11:37
Speaker
I did not. I was productive with my time. I quietly did some crafting and I let the two sisters work it out because it's their own family business. Again, it's just recording. You put that out as a podcast show, an episode of the art. I think I'm starting to see why you're able to do all these shows because you don't have to be on topic. You don't really have to prepare anything. Just hit record, talk for a bit, put it out and wash your hands with the whole thing.
00:12:01
Speaker
You're starting to get it, Jason. Makin' tables. You ready for Makin' Tables? I am. The podcast. As you know, this is the woodworking podcast that I do, and we only ever build tables. But boy, what beautiful, wonderful tables we do make. Why do you have to make a pod? Just make the table and be quiet. You don't need to do a podcast about it. Well, you don't have to listen to the podcast, Jason. We have a lot of downloads on this episode. And to make tables, you've got to cut wood. And to cut wood, you've got to have a...
00:12:30
Speaker
A saw, that's right. So this episode was all about different kinds of saws. Oh boy. Talking about them, I hope not. Well, okay. Corey brought in eight different types of power saw and showed us how they all worked. These are all different kinds of power saws. I can plug them in.
00:12:46
Speaker
Some of them and some of them, you know, you have to fill them with gas. And so show us how they all work so that most of the show was him cutting all kinds of different woods. So one saw five different kinds of wood, et cetera. It was loud. But when I listened back to the episode, it made me feel like I was in a woodworkers workshop working and cutting wood all day long. Wow. It was.
00:13:09
Speaker
It was so it was your tailing it was it all it was was the sound of the saw cutting wood It was over and over again evocative that wall that would have been maddening maple your mahogany Okay, don't call her
00:13:24
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, you should call that podcast making crazy, because that's what would happen to someone who listened to that thing. Cherry. That bizarre sound experiment you call a show. Pine. And what do you think bamboo sounds like, Jason? I don't want to know. Talkin' Smilton street hockey. Huh? That's right. Guess what? There's a pot. Why am I not on that show, Miss Elizabeth? I live in Bree Smilton street hockey. Yeah, I know you do, Jason, but you have your hands full with this show.
00:13:53
Speaker
So I have to stay inside, sweating, working on the show and watch all the other people outside playing. That's right. That's depressing. So, well, and this is how I made room for Talkin' Smiles and Street Hockey, the second yoga podcast that I do, because I do two yoga podcasts. The second one was called Breath of Yoga. It ended this week. So I took the free time that opened up to join another show called Talkin' Smiles and Street Hockey.
00:14:18
Speaker
So your food court regular buddy Cranky Neil is on there, along with Lacey from the Skidoo and Hot traffic apart place. Some of these guys are your buddies. You're hanging out with all the cool people. I am. I am. And you don't have time for this, Jason. You can see if you can have time. Is that it? So Ken's on there from the Korean barbecue place in the mall.
00:14:38
Speaker
Zeke from Zeke's zebra does oh boy We had so much fun arguing about which team was best and who also you don't want to be on there because sometimes they talk about you Jason Talk about me. Yeah because of my tireless promoting of the smile to know the North Side Street hockey league and
00:14:54
Speaker
and your own team because of our podcast has a team in there now. And we're not doing so hot. What? With you guys laughing at the smile, smile, syndicate music, our cool dudes. Yeah. So you can join the show after we've had a few good wins. And how about that? Oh, so this this argument was about who is best and who is going to win during during the next few games. So Zeke and Ken really got into a scrap about whether the flapjack freakazoids recent problems were down to coaching.
00:15:22
Speaker
Or were they down to gold-handed? Those blockheads, it's neither. They've got no power play, Miss Elizabeth. That's their problem. It's street hockey. They draw penalties like wizards, but they can't capitalize on them. And teams get penalized on purpose because of how bad their power play is. It's easy for them to score short-handed. Boom and boom. That's a nice little, tidy, hot take that would have fit perfectly on that show if you snobs would let me in one time.
00:15:47
Speaker
Maybe you should come in, but you might get your feelings hurt because sometimes they talk about you on that show. I can roll with the best of a missile, but I'll hurt some people myself. Okay. This show is so great. And I think that it's even more fun than actually going to the games. Boy, you, none of you people should be running that show. You need proper.
00:16:03
Speaker
Smiled and street hockey fans to talk about the talk about the blessed game. Alright, well, I do enjoy going to the game So maybe so maybe it's like a like a dead heat between the two between podcasting about the sport and actually
00:16:18
Speaker
Classic stuff from the archive right here on Hello Smilthing. So that's why I do these different podcasts and I always do a summary. On this show. Yeah on this show. Why don't people apprised like where they should be you know pointing their attention. You know we've got a lot of practice doing podcasts and I've got a little bit of podcasting advice for you when it concerns these other shows. Yes I do. How many shows do you do?
00:16:43
Speaker
One. Okay. You're listening to it. Okay, so I think between the two of us, which one should be giving advice? Me. Okay. Because one is a better number than 92. So for those other 91 podcasts, my advice is this. Don't and say you did.
00:17:00
Speaker
And just do the summary and pretend like those shows happened, but you didn't have to spend the time. You didn't have to make the world a little bit worse with those shows. And you can just make up your flights of fancy all you want. Bring it here. Everybody's happy. We're community minded and we'll take that under advisement. Thank you. As long as you consider trashing the rest of those shows, you'll be copacetic with me.
00:17:24
Speaker
Thank you for that information. I'm going to reach over right now. Tune in. Dear listener friend, you would not believe the look on Miss Elizabeth's face as I was telling her what to do. It was a combination of mild, I don't know, nausea. Some amusement.
00:17:44
Speaker
But you can tell she's not listening. She's not going to do any of that. She's just patiently waiting for me to stop talking. No. You basically identified a passion of mine and told me to quit. So, yeah. Correct. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm glad you're on board. I'm going to reach over now to the Smileton radio. Let's tune this sucker in. We've got to play a smile syndicate song. I hope it's a good one. Mr. Blue, holla-balloo. It's a good one.
00:18:22
Speaker
Umbrella twirl on a sunny day With snowshoes on the beach He takes a bath with a jumper on Listen and he'll teach
00:18:38
Speaker
Everybody thinks he's odd, and everybody gets it wrong. Can you see the beams of sunshine? Anybody hear a song? Here he comes. This blue hollow balloon squares can't dig what they think. He's gone anew. See me and you, can we see him?
00:19:23
Speaker
He goes sunbathing when it rains Trainers in the snow He flies so high in a submarine Listen and you'll know Everybody thinks he's hard and everybody gets it wrong
00:19:47
Speaker
Everybody hear the song, here he comes Mr. Blue, holla-balloon The squares can't dig what they think He's gonna do it, see me and you Can we see Mr. Blue?
00:20:10
Speaker
They say he's just a strange little fellow They find him off-putting Forget the modern age, he's staying mellow They don't like his nonsense Everybody thinks he's odd and everybody gets it wrong
00:20:37
Speaker
Everybody sing along. Here he comes. Mr. Blue hollow balloon. The squares can't dig what they think. He's gonna do it. See me and you. Can we see Mr. Blue? He's trying to show us. Here he comes. Mr. Blue hollow balloon. The squares can't dig what they think. He's gonna do it. See me and you. Can we see Mr. Blue?
00:21:29
Speaker
Mr. Blue, Hullabaloo, right here on Hello, Smile. The title track is from Smile Syndicate's latest album, Mr. Blue, Hullabaloo. Mr. Blue, Hullabaloo. If we had called the album that and had the song called Hullabaloo, oh, the consternation. It would have been a lot of bafflement. Problematic. People already flummoxed enough from that album, which dear listener friends, you should go check out all digital streaming platforms. We'll have it.
00:21:55
Speaker
The Smile Syndicate, Mr. Blue, hullabaloo, type those words in the search bar. Click that magnifying glass. It's freaking everywhere. Well, Ms. Elizabeth, you mentioned the phrase community-minded. We're too tuned into the community in this show sometimes. I think sometimes the wall has to go up.
00:22:16
Speaker
Some kind of isolation from the crackpots and ne'er-do-wells in this town might do this show some good sometime. You feel like you need some private time? I need a lot of private time. Some quiet time? The pressure to have private time is mounting by the day. Something's got to give, but in the meantime we're going to head in the opposite direction and embrace the community by turning this show over to them in the Smileton Community Message Board.
00:22:41
Speaker
Well, boy, oh boy, this is a doozy, Miss Elizabeth. We're going to listen to an installment of this show where our dear citizens, our dear neighbors contribute messages to this show and we read them out like the drones we are and the wreckage presents itself almost immediately because I think these shows are somewhat selective. I choose the good ones.
00:23:01
Speaker
demented missus, weird messages, crazed outpourings that we got it all in the message board, especially this one. This one comes from January 31st, 2022, the 273rd episode of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. And that show was entitled, they'll renovate that food court over my cold dead body. Which was also a funny story.
00:23:25
Speaker
Hey, that was a good thing. You can check that whole episode. Maybe not. That might have fallen off the end of the podcast. Oh, really? Maybe we should just play that show in total someday. In the meantime, listen to this big chunk.
00:23:38
Speaker
dear listener friend we have something hopefully that's going to be a little bit more edifying something that'll help clear the clouds a little bit i can only be talking about the smileton community message board people i'm glad you're into it in their mind climbing up on that soap box screaming like a crazy person plus they're giving us content which does ease up yeah actually that's right i don't have to prepare all
00:23:59
Speaker
Oh, Miss Elizabeth picks the messages. I roll my eyes out of them and I wince and I think we're going to do this to our show. And Miss Elizabeth says, yes, we are and we don't do it, but at least it doesn't take long to put together. And if you have a message for us, you can either you can contribute it on Locals or Patreon. Let's say that. Sure. Yeah. Sounds good to me, Miss Elizabeth. Open me up, empty up, if you want to be part of the message board.
00:24:20
Speaker
I think Miss Elizabeth is kicking off the festivities this time. That's right. Okay, so here's the first message. Here's a big hug and a thank you so much from me and Rainbows, the book writing dog. Rainbows, the book writing dog to the citizens of Smileson. My dog's book, roughing to worry about a dog's journey. I think I didn't read that properly. Roughing to worry about.
00:24:45
Speaker
Okay, sorry hit this I just want it I'm sorry. I want to hit the eject button and just fly right out of here I thought roughing was so cute that I wanted to try but yeah, I think it was a fail. Okay? Hit the best seller list late last year and it's all because of Smiles in support in the early days of this journey that the world is finally Recognizing rainbows talent. Yeah
00:25:10
Speaker
I have to tell you, I'm quite tired from all the appearances and interviews, but Rainbows is going strong and can't wait to write her next book. Well, that's good. Miss Elizabeth, I should let you finish the posting because I have a few things to say on this topic. OK, well, hold them until the end, please.
00:25:30
Speaker
I always do. Okay, but she'll have to wait because she's going to be busy working with Hollywood. That's right, roughing to worry about a dog's journey is going to become a movie.
00:25:43
Speaker
Good. That's terrific. That's terrific, Miss Elizabeth. Rainbow's the book writing dog. Got a movie deal? Yeah. Save some popcorn for me. That one is from Sunshine Jane, mailbox 3060. Sunshine Jane. I can't think of a more dispiriting piece of news.
00:26:03
Speaker
Dispiriting! We're just trying, like anybody who's trying to do anything in this life and then you find out a dog has allegedly written a book that's being turned into a movie and this person's gonna be just living the life and we're expected to swallow this cockamamie, cock and bull story Miss Elizabeth. I think you should maybe meet Rainbows the book writing dog and maybe get some tips from Rainbows the book writing.
00:26:29
Speaker
I'm not gonna get book writing tips from a dog, Miss Elizabeth. I'm gonna tell you that flat out. I'm not-
00:26:37
Speaker
I have no, no issue with rainbows, the book writing dog. I prefer to call that dog rainbows. Cause that's her name, not the book writing dog. She doesn't write books. She's a dog. She wants to play. She wants to eat. She wants to horse around. She wants to have a good life. She's not interested in writing books or constructing plots or, or Elizabeth or, or delivering her memoirs.
00:26:59
Speaker
I think you need to be in the room with rainbows one time and actually see and have a meeting I'll meet rainbows. I'm not gonna believe she wrote a book Once again, okay
00:27:09
Speaker
I was out walking with my grandson and found a bike. If it's yours, come and get it, because that thing's giving me the creeps and the willies, and there's something not right about that thing. It's white, it's a tandem bike, and it drives itself. Damnedest thing. I went out to water my plants in the front yard and saw that bike driving up and down the street in front of my house all by itself. Gotta think it's haunted.
00:27:32
Speaker
My wife normally gets upset by that stuff, but I think she's really excited by this one. Saw her riding on the back of that tandem bike while it drove itself and she was having way too good a time. I think the ghost that haunts that thing is seducing my wife. Anyway, if it's yours, come pick it up. It's not claimed by the weekend. It's going to goodwill. George mailbox 1421.
00:27:53
Speaker
George, I don't think you can give that back to Goodwill because the owner is still around. It'll drive itself away. It's owned by the ghost. It's letting your wife ride on it. George, I don't think that's going to be as simple as you think it is. Let's assume that what you're telling us is true.
00:28:11
Speaker
George is always finding these odd arcane objects. I don't know what a haunted tandem bike could possibly be, but if the man says the bike drives itself, I gotta believe him.
00:28:23
Speaker
Well, maybe it doesn't drive itself. Maybe a ghost is driving the bike. Yeah, it's haunted. It's haunted by a ghost who can't keep its hands to itself if it's seducing his wife, which is inappropriate. Oh, you think it's actually seducing his wife? I don't think so. George said so. It's like a sexy ghost that's riding the tandem bike. It's absolutely ridiculous. A sexy romantic ghost. Yeah, unacceptable. Just in time for Valentine's Day. We're trying to run a society. Wow. Okay, let's move on to the next one. Ready for mine? Sure. Yowza Yowza Yazoo.
00:28:52
Speaker
Oh, no. Can we stop there? I didn't read that correctly. I hope you've been listening to the all-new Rick the Stick Jefferies Morning Zoo Menagerie Crew. No, I haven't. I can say that, honestly. This one's from Rick the Stick. Yeah. Got some quick updates for ya. Good. Todd the Fart Machine has been apprehended. I didn't know he was on the loose.
00:29:13
Speaker
Nobody did, Miss Elizabeth. And he's going to jail for a while, so we're changing things up on the crew. Oh, if Todd the Fart Machine isn't on the show anymore, I can never listen again, Miss Elizabeth. This might throw them off a little bit on the show. Oh, well, yeah, don't replace a talent like that overnight.
00:29:28
Speaker
So the fart machine leaves big boots to fill, so we're bringing on two, count them, two Hong Kong wacky co-hosts. He says Hong Kong in the message. Does he have to be so... Zany? Yeah, all the time, like even in his writing. Can you see why I hate him so much? Hate's a little strong. Yeah, it's about right. Okay, first allow me to introduce Pete the Freak.
00:29:52
Speaker
Do you know Pete the Freak Jason? I don't know Pete the Freak. You should see this guy. Total freak. What does that even mean Jason? He'd have to be if he has that name. And sitting beside Pete the Freak will be Hot Madison. Oh my goodness. She's real hot. A hot girl on a radio show. Let me listen to that. And the guys are real Jason.
00:30:14
Speaker
You see the absurdity of it. Yeah, because it's a radio show. Yes. Yeah, but they put her on posters. Well, you know. I'm running out of energy. Okay. For everything. Okay. Rick the stick and his ilk drain me of it. He's not going to stop. And so the guys are real excited to have her join the crew. I haven't heard her speak yet. I hope she has a good voice for radio. There we go. At least he says that a good voice for radio. Yeah. She doesn't have a face for radio, unfortunately.
00:30:43
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, this guy's show is a plague. It's a scourge. You don't like Rick the Stick. I don't. I think you think he's a hack. Bingo. Yeah. Okay. Well, me too. I think I kind of agree. Oh, we agree. Yeah. The best radio show in the biz just got better. Well, we... I mean, we... No, that's not true. We questioned that. We're not in radio either, though.
00:31:02
Speaker
But I'm going to finish reading the message because it's like the honourable thing to do. Honk, honk. Please, Rickums, don't hurt him. Rick the Stick Jefferies mailbox. Ninety, ninety one. I think that's his tagline at the end there. It's horrible, horrible. Please, Rickums, don't hurt him. What do you think he means by that? Like he's going to make you laugh so hard, you're going to bust a gut or something? Yes, I think that's what he's getting at. And people are begging him to stop because the zaniness is relentless. You're just holding your abdomen and saying, please stop.
00:31:31
Speaker
I can't deal with that guy. If that show of his is acquiring anything resembling momentum, then that's my pathway to despair. Okay. Well, I guess we'll have to do something like we might have to prank him or something. I just have to take up a quieter activity to occupy my time, Miss Elizabeth. Okay, good point.
00:31:56
Speaker
The spirit of revolution lives on, Smilton. The rising sun and the rising fist of the hard-working farmer will join together to form the banner of the new Smilton panbangers. Bang, bang, bang! We will rise from the ashes of the old Smilton panbangers, who prove they are all talk and little action when it came to banging pots and pans together in public settings to bring about social change.
00:32:20
Speaker
When our arch nemeses the reactionary reductionist smile to knitting circle, who'd we'd been protesting for months, announced they were offering free membership to their circle, 90% of our members took them up on it. These traders took the cash box and the password for the email account with them, leaving the two of us true revolutionaries left holding the bag full of nothing.
00:32:44
Speaker
We are unbroken and undaunted. We two true heroes of the people will be the first members of the new Smilton panbangers. We will be speaking truth to power from the belly of the beast, the Cottage Grove Rec Center. Join us there this Saturday and help us make the revolution live on. If you have snacks, bring them. As I mentioned, the cash box was among our assets that was taken over to the Smilton knitting circle. Stella mailbox 1041.
00:33:12
Speaker
Okay. I don't really understand what's the revolution that they're trying to change the world for the better by making ruckus and hanging pans together. That's the extent of their planning. That's it. They think interrupting. They're just mad and they're not going to take it anymore. It's just energy. It's just energy.
00:33:29
Speaker
But a lot of volume. Yes. So they go to the library, smile to Knitting Circle. I think they got in a fight with him because the Knitting Circle was having a room. They booked a room. They're trying to have a meeting and the panbangers came and interrupted them. There was a scuffle and then... Knitting needles were involved.
00:33:44
Speaker
Yeah, well, it looks like those knitting people outwitted the panbangers and took away all their people. I'm not surprised. You know, you have to be able to solve problems when you're knitting. Like, it's not that easy. There's patterns involved. I wouldn't mess with this mountain knitting circle either, Miss Elizabeth. More than one of them are yoga students and they know how to, of my buddy Angel, and they know how to grapple. So keep your distance.
00:34:08
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Well, interesting. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. Okay. Okay. Your attention, please, for a public notice. Well, you got my attention, Ms. Elizabeth. The Smilton food, the Smilton Mall food court, this affects you, Jason. Oh, it absolutely does. We'll be closing for renovations, starting
00:34:28
Speaker
February 15th. Yes. Okay. Please forgive the noise, but trust me, it's going to be worth it. No, no, absolutely not. You're going to love what we do to this space from Lisa mailbox 9417. No way. This is not going to happen. What's the matter? I'm not standing for it. Renovations. Wait a minute. They're staying open until past Valentine's Day. So you know, you can still have your Valentine's, whatever you do. I need access to the Smilton food cart 24 seven.
00:34:56
Speaker
They're saying it's going to be worth it, you're going to love it. No, I don't believe it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I don't want one speck of that flaking paint dealt with. I don't want one crack tile repaired. I don't want one rickety table touched. They better keep their hands off that whole place. They're going to kill the mood. They're going to kill the ambiance.
00:35:18
Speaker
sacred space, Miss Elizabeth. So that's okay. The mood and ambulance, you don't want those things to change. It's a sacred space, Miss Elizabeth. You can't reproduce that with your machines and your automation. A spirit of wonder imbues that place, Miss Elizabeth. And if you go cleaning it up and tearing stuff out of there, you're going to wreck it for everybody. So I- I'm not sure I- Penn bangers wanting to change the world. Guess what? I've become an activist. I'm not going to let this happen. The Smilton Food Court.
00:35:45
Speaker
hands off that's the that's that's the message to the people are you gonna join the panbangers and then never get anything done they're nitwits they're loud and stupid they're not gonna get anything done okay we got it we got to take a little bit more sensible action to stop this heinous activity from going on the food court will remain open dear people of Smiles and you will be able to get your food
00:36:07
Speaker
Oh my goodness, are you saying that right now? You're going to prevent the renovations to the Smile Town Hall food court? I'm not saying anything except I'm saying it. And there's no way. They'll renovate that food court over my cold, dead body. Oh my goodness. OK, well. Fog horn. Fog horn doesn't believe it. Fog horn doesn't even go to the mall anyway, so just silence yourself. All right.
00:36:31
Speaker
swords up and magic books open, live action role players. The Smilton Society for Creative LARPing is under a threat and we need each and every one of us to pull together during these dark times. The prophecy we've long feared has been fulfilled and there is no longer any denying it. The Smilton Society for Creative LARPing is under a magic spell. Some foul incantation is affecting so many of our members. People are getting their cars towed. You're getting evicted. They're getting... I told you there was magic.
00:37:00
Speaker
around. They're getting static at work. One of our guys broke up with his girlfriend when things were going really well. This dark magic is really hampering the effort. We need to return to get the gallant days of larping outside and once we break the curse that holds us in thrall and the weather turns a bit nicer, we'll be out there. We'd love for you to join us. You don't even need to know how to make your own chainmail. We've got loads. Magic the Lesser mailbox 15505.
00:37:29
Speaker
Okay. See, I told you there's magic everywhere. The magic that I tried to engage with around Smileton is the happy stuff. But it sounds like the Larpers have really, really hit a rough patch at the darker kind of magic. So you're taking this magic, the Lesser's word for it, that the only explanation for... It's one explanation. ...losing jobs, broken relationships, unmet obligations is evil magic or a product of bad life choices. Oh. I don't know.
00:38:01
Speaker
All right. Which could it be, Miss Elizabeth? See, those larpers, they've been- I protect hostilities. No, no. They've been larping. They've been running around pretending they're dragons and kings and queens and whatever they're up to. I don't know what they're doing, swinging swords around, scaring innocent people. They're creative larpers. They're not documentarians, Jason. They're not paying the rent. They're not showing up to work. And they're not paying attention to their significant others.
00:38:24
Speaker
Well, okay. So, yeah, stuff happens, Ms. Elizabeth. Alright, you know, this is brutal. I'll just, maybe I'll just move on to the next one, maybe. It is brutal. Oh, Ms. Elizabeth, what's more brutal? Telling the truth, speaking the truth to those who need it, especially this magic the lesser, or playing along with them, telling them, oh yeah, this is evil magic, keep going, your life will get better once you do some kind of kooky spell, or a counterspell.
00:38:47
Speaker
All right. Well, Miss Elizabeth, sometimes I don't know how we do a show together because we seem so misaligned. I just don't know really, really what a counter spell could do wrong. That's what I'm saying exactly, Miss Elizabeth. A counter spell of some sort could only improve matters. Could it not? No, it could make things far worse. Okay, here's the next one.
00:39:10
Speaker
I've been living here a long, long time, a long time, seen a bunch of things come and go, but Smileton is Smileton and is still Smileton, and it's as true now as it was yesterday, and before that too.
00:39:25
Speaker
Oh boy, I get the sense this one might be 12 hours long, this message. Not at all, you're gonna love this one. It takes a lot to get my feathers ruffled, but honestly, with the rude snowmen that have been appearing all over town, it's enough to make me throw my hands up and say, for heaven's sake! Oh yeah, that's right, those things are hilarious.
00:39:45
Speaker
Making snowmen should be a pleasant pastime for children, not an opportunity for grown-up weirdos to create bizarre sculptures with grotesquely exaggerated body parts. And, to be frank, some of these snowmen are just an exaggerated body part, and not really a man at all.
00:40:02
Speaker
It's just the body part Jason lady. It's I'm well, I'm assuming it's a lady Or gentleman complaining person. I don't know what else you're supposed to do in the wintertime And really some of these snowmen look like they're getting up to funny business that even they That even if they were real they wouldn't enjoy so really what's the point? I?
00:40:27
Speaker
That's why well that does sound funny. Yeah, so yeah a little disturbed We can have funny fun in the winter. Have you been involved in this funny fun Jason? No, no, I don't know who has the time to make all of these There's got to be thousands of these things by my reckoning thousands Jason. There's like a field of snowmen There's like a field of erotic snowman. Well, I don't know what to tell you miss Elizabeth people are people are occupying their time in fun ways in the winter and
00:40:53
Speaker
Fortunately, my husband, Horace, has suggested that he go out and take pictures of all of these things so that they can be properly documented. So if you are involved, Jason, there's going to be photographic evidence of all of these new men. Trust me, my weird friend who's building these, we will take the pictures to the proper authorities from Inez mailbox 299.
00:41:14
Speaker
Inez was an early adopter of the mailbox system. She was. Well, Inez, you gotta cheer up. It's the winter time. We're trying to have some fun. Do not tell me when you go walking around smiling, you see these snowmen with exaggerated body parts. You don't titter a little bit. Think of the children, Jason. Think of the children. Who do you think is helping me? Who do you think is making these things?
00:41:42
Speaker
I don't think you meant to say that. Hey, Smilton, hope you're enjoying the winter. Well, if you're looking to add another fun winter activity to your list, why not come down to Harvester Square this Saturday and help me and my band, Tracy's Grace, shoot a music video. Oh, brother.
00:41:58
Speaker
We need lots of extras. The theme of the video is a Winter Carnival kind of idea with my band performing on a stage and a huge audience having all kinds of wintertime fun. If you can ski or snowboard, come on down. We will need you flying across and over the stage as we play. I think we'll be able to pay you all as well. The record company told us we were able to get a huge budget for this and we're having trouble spending all the money. Anyway, it'll be fun, so I hope to see you all there in Lacey mailbox 13044.
00:42:26
Speaker
What's the problem with that, Jason? Really? Somebody's having some success. They're having some fun. About one third of the complaints I have in general, Miss Elizabeth, is about the misallocation of resources.
00:42:39
Speaker
And that's what this is. Record company throwing their money away on this Tracey's Grace local band. They once mixed it up with my buddy Lance's band, Lance Brox, going snake. They're really good. The uncrowned rock kings of the realm maternal. Well, well, Stacey's Grace is actually popular. Sorry. They are actually popular. Tracey's Grace? Yeah. Well, I know they're popular. You can't go two seconds without hearing one of their dumb songs on the radio or the streaming device.
00:43:03
Speaker
so of course they're getting funds allocated again miss elizabeth but to what end okay they've had their fun it's time to give up it's time to clear the way you know what they are what their gestures they're prancing gestures on a carpet but now the crowd is tired of them and they need to see that kings
00:43:21
Speaker
The true kings of Rock make their way to the palace of Rock Mount Olympus so they gotta get out of the way and throwing good money after bad is reckless on the part of the record company and it makes me sad to think of those poor souls wasting so much money and so much time. What do you think they should be listening to instead?
00:43:43
Speaker
Lance Brox, Goin' Snake, once we get some songs recorded. OK. Big chunks of fun right here on Hello, Smile. Yeah, very enjoyable. Like, Miss Elizabeth, it's a panoply. It's a crazy quilt of madness. You never know what you're going to get. Absolutely not, which means the North Star orientation we get from the marquee song slot. We settle ourselves right back down again into the fun entertainment zone with song.
00:44:11
Speaker
We're gonna listen to a smile syndicate classic right now. Your bikini tells me otherwise. Listen.
00:44:32
Speaker
You are telling me I'm your only guy You aren't selling me An alibi, you are framing it Is not a lie, you're a bikini
00:45:05
Speaker
Tells me otherwise Your bikini Tells me otherwise You want your words to override What I can see with my own eyes In the end it's no surprise
00:45:34
Speaker
You are telling me I'm your only guy You are telling me I never buy You are claiming it It's not like your bikini Tells me otherwise Your bikini Tells me otherwise Your bikini
00:46:42
Speaker
You are telling me to say goodbye You will open up the door and cry you are leaving for The world's so wide for Bikini Tells me otherwise No Bikini Tells me otherwise No Bikini Tells me otherwise You want your words too
00:47:13
Speaker
See you
00:47:51
Speaker
Your bikini tells me otherwise right here on Hello Smile. I like that one. It always reminds me of summer.
00:47:56
Speaker
Bikinis are here for any time of the year. I guess they could be. As the song makes clear. Yeah. Well, Miss Elizabeth, I hope, as we prepare for next week's episode, that there's a slot available in Smile Syndicate HQ for us to actually record the show. Oh my goodness. I just hope. Fingers crossed to your listener friend. You may be hearing from us, you know, first thing Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Okay. I think stop complaining.
00:48:26
Speaker
you
00:48:26
Speaker
The schedule is very clearly annotated. OK. Everything is written in there. I just want to have I just want to be able to know when your slot is. I just want to be able to come in here and not blow my stack. That would be appreciated. OK, well, let's let's let's dedicate our efforts for the rest of this week to having a calm, life affirming time. And we'll meet you back here next week. Dear listener friend for another episode of Hello Smilton. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun.
00:48:56
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next weekend. As always, remember, friend, the sun is a jukebox.