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The Whole Concept of the Mystery Box Has Been Turned On Its Head
31 Plays8 months ago
I gotta tell ya. Podcasting don't go down smoother than this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Join Miss Elizabeth and Jason and they caper in front of microphone and live studio audience to deliver the very best in comedy and original music, straight from Smileton.
In a stunning edition of LANCE BROCK'S ROCK TALK, Jason's rock-lovin' buddy gives us the good word of rock in thunderous tones. Grab on to a pillar and let those foundations shake!
In SMALL TOWN, BIG MARKETPLACE, the citizens of Smileton sell their used stuff and the rest of us stand agog.
And in an all-new MISS ELIZABETH'S PODCAST CATCH UP, our intrepid co-host presents summaries of some of the other podcasts she produces. Guaranteed your head will spin. It's just that baffling.
Two songs by THE SMILE SYNDICATE show why bands in Smileton take a backseat to no band when it comes to delivering their messages in 4 minutes or less thereabouts.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
3:01 Lance Brock's Rock Talk
16:37 SONG – The Universe Is Nude
21:10 Small Town, Big Marketplace
28:43 Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Catch Up
37:55 SONG – Magic Mile
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Transcript
Live from Smilton: An Introduction
00:00:04
Speaker
Hello, Smiles and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go. Let's go.
Soundboards and Show Direction
00:00:20
Speaker
Jason, Miss Elizabeth, you and that soundboard. It's not just a soundboard, it's also soundboard sound. Oh, brother. Well, I guess I see how the show is going already.
00:00:30
Speaker
It's going to go roses. OK, fine. I'll have to take your word for it, because I'm just not feeling it. It's going your way. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. We're
Jason's Exercise Woes
00:00:40
Speaker
off to a shaky start. Are we? Miss Elizabeth threw a curve ball, hit me square between the eyes. Oh, no. Jason. I hope you can recover. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, it's a tight rope. Walking across the tight rope, getting this show done. And you want to fire cannonballs at me from down on the ground? Fine.
00:01:00
Speaker
It's a bit athletic sometimes doing this show, and I know that you are slightly hobbled, somewhat hobbled by the athletic adventure that you had earlier today, and now you are limping around. I am limping around. I'm in no mood, Miss Elizabeth. You have a bit of a gamey leg now.
00:01:17
Speaker
You leave my leg out of this.
Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Empire
00:01:19
Speaker
That is not going to be an impediment to me having the best possible podcast episode recording session ever. You think you wouldn't need a leg for podcasting, but it is unseating you right now. It's sitting here. It's throbbing. I hurt myself. Oh, it's a throbbing?
00:01:36
Speaker
See where exercise gets you? Oh no. Straight onto the pain train. You should probably stop exercising. I'm way ahead of you on that. Sedentary lifestyle. Here I come. That's right. And watch the health increase. Good. That's what I think you should be doing. Okay. Well, good. Ladies and gentlemen.
00:01:51
Speaker
You're good for something. Once in a while, our studio audience, they applaud some common sense. They support you. I don't want to continue to complain about my health troubles. What I want to do is get to the fun. We're going to be checking in with Ms. Elizabeth.
00:02:06
Speaker
other podcasts.
Small Town Big Marketplace
00:02:08
Speaker
She does 92 podcasts. It's too many for one person. It's a lot of podcasts, I gotta be honest. No one can listen to them all. So Miss Elizabeth brings summaries of some of the more recent episodes she's done on other shows. So we at least, we can hear what's going on on those other shows. It's helpful. It just points you in the direction of what is going on. And you want to talk about popular segments.
00:02:30
Speaker
Small Town Big Marketplace. Wildfire, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, yeah. The critics have spoken. There's some interesting stuff for sale. A lot of new segment on Hello, Smilton. We're here to bring you the second installment of that later this episode. I just have a little advance warning that I feel like people might be mispricing some of their items. Oh, stop, Miss Elizabeth. It's a wide open marketplace in Smilton and the price is going to be a negotiation between buyer and seller. And we're not going to get in between that.
00:03:00
Speaker
But first, more fun than you can probably handle, dear listener friend, because we're going to combine frivolity, fun, capering, and rock. Yeah, there's going to be some rock.
Introducing Lance Brock's Rock Talk
00:03:14
Speaker
Talk about an explosive combination. Not too much, just the right amount. No, way too much. Too much rock? See how dumb that sounds, Miss Elizabeth?
00:03:24
Speaker
No, no way there could be such a thing. Well, my buddy Lance is one of Smilfton's main exponents of rock. Oh, I forgot Lance was- You forgot Lance what? I forgot we had Lance to start. Oh, yeah. Okay. This is why I showed up today, Miss Elizabeth. I was thinking of calling in sick and letting you fly solo.
00:03:44
Speaker
Yeah, you showed up for your buddy Lance, which I respect. I do respect that. Let's give us the good word of rock and I'm so, I'm as pleased as punch to be able to deliver it in this, the latest Lance Brock's rock talk. So let's hear some of Lance's words that he graciously provided to us not 24 hours ago. Okay.
00:04:02
Speaker
What in the F is up, you f-ed up rock and roll party f-ing maniacs
Guitar Injuries and Bar Accidents
00:04:06
Speaker
of the days of f-ing your Lance Brock's rock talk is here to set you straight on rock and roll matters, so let's get f-ing to it. Okay, I'm game, let's get to it. Alright, Ms. Elizabeth usually wants to say a few insulting things about Lance or his store, the best rock store in town. She's pretending like she's enjoying this segment so far, so let's see how long the facade lasts.
00:04:28
Speaker
So far, Lance has not insulted the audience, which is our podcast audience. So it's not okay to insult our podcast audience. That control is a vicious game, Miss Elizabeth. Didn't you ever hear that song? So he hasn't done that yet. So that's fine. Well, we barely got started here. My hand is effing killing me. I got a bunch of new Gabson's in stock.
00:04:49
Speaker
A better Gibson knockoff could probably be found but not at the price I'm paying. Who cares? It's only got a hole to stick the plug in and six f-ing strings and the rest is up to you.
00:05:02
Speaker
Only a poser-loser blames his tools. Anywho, this Gabson had some nasty splinters in the neck. So I did this power move in front of the mirror and some effing wood lodged, something effing fierce in my bread and butter, which is my effing hands. Somehow my effed up hand got infected and blew up like a balloon.
00:05:21
Speaker
I had to go to the hospital, which was just as effing well,
Romance and Food Poisoning Woes
00:05:24
Speaker
because I got to visit my S-head cousin, Sandy, who took a header off a pool table and knocked himself effing silly. And it's that bar's fault that happened because you don't put a track like Sweet Home Alabama on the jukebox and not expect effing consequences. Sandy will be back air-guitaring soon, so don't effing worry. I don't quite understand what's happening here. So Sandy's in the hospital.
00:05:49
Speaker
They're both in the hospital, Miss Elizabeth. There was a whole lot of rockin' goin' on in that paragraph, and I got through it in one breath, and kudos to me for such a thing. Okay, kudos. But why is Sandy in the hospital? He's selling Gibson knockoff guitars. Gabson's good enough. No, I get that. But they have splinters, right? Yeah. So he got a splinter in his hand. Okay, I got that. He blew up like an effin' balloon. He went to the hospital. He has an infected hand. Okay, but why is Sandy there?
00:06:13
Speaker
because he took a header off a pool table. What does that mean? He was standing on a pool table, air guitar-ing, and went off it head first into the floor. That's what it means. Oh, he dove. Well, something happened. Off the pool table. I wasn't there, Miss Elizabeth. So I'm not going to pretend to be an eyewitness to the fun. He hit his head after standing on a pool table, air guitar-ing, to Sweet Home Alabama. Exactly. And it's the bars fall, because what do you expect people to do when you put a track like that on?
00:06:40
Speaker
OK. So injuries, injuries happen. It's cause and effect. Jackals, the lot of your jackals. You see two people hit the blown up balloon hand and a cracked skull. And your first reaction to such a picture is laughter. Well, that's not kind of funny. Our audience, our studio audience is many things, Miss Elizabeth, and perverse is one of them. Oh, OK. My main squeeze, Melinda, has been out of action romance wise lately.
00:07:17
Speaker
because she had some bad deviled eggs and got the scoots. Like crazy super scoots. Like crazy super scoots. She's been trying to effing tame that beast but so far it's been no effing good. I've been making fun of her.
00:07:41
Speaker
She's been yelling at me from the other side of the bathroom door. She's all, you're cut off. And I go, and what do you effing exactly mean by that? But she was done talking by that point. So yeah, no action in the days since, but I'm not stressed. That dam's
Wino Altercations and Store Antics
00:07:58
Speaker
going to burst sometime. Trust me on that effing point, my friend. Wowie. I think you think deviled eggs are the funniest food.
00:08:15
Speaker
Do you know what's great? I actually have a deviled egg costume. Oh, well yeah, a scene in a Smile Syndicate music video. Yeah, if it would entertain you, I will don that costume tonight. Okay, okay, that's weird, Miss Elizabeth. No, I don't need you to do, I need you to wrap this show up and then I need you to get the hell out of Smile Syndicate HQ. Go back to wherever you came from, whatever else you get up to in Smile Syndicate, not my business.
00:08:35
Speaker
I think that whole paragraph is making me laugh. Do you know what? I'm fierce.
00:08:43
Speaker
She's got the scoots. She's probably not feeling good, so Lance is taking the opportunity to make fun of her. So he's a romantic at heart, Miss Elizabeth. She's being playful. Deviled eggs are a lot of effort to make. They are a lot of effort. I think she found them. They're probably old. Who knows where these things came from. Miss Elizabeth, she's paying the price, and can we not leave the woman alone for five minutes?
00:09:05
Speaker
I doubt it was dead, the deviled eggs. Because deviled eggs are difficult to make and they're delicious and they don't hang around. Again, it's a great story on the surface, I don't need to pry. Lance's customer review.
00:09:22
Speaker
Lance is getting sick, getting zinged on Google reviews or whatever. So he's firing back at his customers. So he's going to review. Then the ones who deserve it get the riot act right to him. I'm getting real effing tired of these three winos who have started hanging around the store.
00:09:40
Speaker
they aren't gonna buy effing anything they just stand around that fire in that effing barrel and warm their hands like they're down in the old effing bowery so after a few weeks of this i effing go up to them and i'm all hey you're gonna buy something and all of a sudden one of these goons starts windmilling his arms and starts walking towards me and i start backing up effing considering my effing options so we do this for like 10 minutes or so until the wino
00:10:06
Speaker
goes gets too effing winded
Top Drummers and YouTube Mishaps
00:10:08
Speaker
to continue so he goes back to his fire barrel what a waste of effing time I could have written a kick-ass song or a sold a few 10 G's worth of rock equipment in that effing time but it wasn't to F&B zero stars Wow yeah I don't is there is there a fire inside the store
00:10:28
Speaker
Yeah, the fire barrel is inside the store, Miss Elizabeth. So, I mean... It's annoying. We are giving up the idea that this is a... door. How do you figure that? Because it... Three winos moved in, Miss Elizabeth, and they brought their fire barrel with them. Lance is a pretty open-hearted guy. He thinks they might eventually get tempted by all the instruments of rocks surrounding them, but no, they're just standing around, warming their hands by the fire barrel.
00:10:56
Speaker
Yeah, okay. It's annoying. It's time for them to go. And as soon as he starts bringing up the issue, bringing up the matter, he starts getting windmilled. Yeah. Inappropriate. Yeah. Somebody's got to do something about those winos. Yeah, it's the police that have to come.
00:11:13
Speaker
Well, it's Smileton police. This is a question for again. I don't know. I don't know if he didn't think of that or if he's just trying to take matters into his own hands. You could also call the Smileton handsome firefighters. Oh, stop. There's literally a fire to fight inside Lance's store.
00:11:31
Speaker
Let's stop with these ideas. I don't like it. That one makes sense, but I don't want to involve the handsome firefighters. Because they're handsome? No, because they're more trouble than they're worth. Top five effing gods of effing drumming, drummers of all effing times of yore. Okay, this is a list of drummers.
00:11:52
Speaker
Mr. Smith, are you mocking me? Are you mocking Lance? Are you mocking this program? I'm just trying to make sure that I'm keeping up. How many- he thought it was crystal clear what he's talking about here. Was it?
00:12:03
Speaker
I don't- Top five effing gods of effing drumming drummers of all effing times of yore. Okay, that is not clear. We're just- we're gonna hear about drummers. Oh, don't be up, don't be up. Yes! Okay. Don't be up too soon. Okay, that's fine. Drummers, let's go. Number five, Neil Peart. When you guys heard him drum with that band rush, you could be sure you'd be effing hearing eight cowbells being hit at once, and you'd be all, what, in the actual FMI, effing hearing, and I'm just sitting there effing nodding because I heard that effing track before.
00:12:32
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Yeah, he was a pretty good drummer Pretty good. Yeah, and if you were ever in the room when he was drumming you could be sure if there was anyone behind you Yeah, that's right. Miss Elizabeth is complaining because we Apparently she went to a rush concert back in the day and some goon behind her was air drumming and during YYZ Right on her noggin. Yeah by the air drummer. Why would you do that?
00:12:57
Speaker
Did you hear the music Miss Elizabeth? But it's my head. It was YYZ. Okay. Number four. I saw this effing hilarious YouTube video where this crappy tragically hip cover band was ruining those songs and the drummer was super lame and this huge drunk guy climbs up on stage and picks the drummer up and throws him off the stage and just sits the F down and starts drumming and he's all over the place and wasted and god did I laugh watching that one? So...
00:13:24
Speaker
Big drunk, the big drunk guy? Number four with a bullet. I, okay.
00:13:32
Speaker
I feel like that's not a good drummer. Did the man deliver entertainment? Sure sounds like it to me. Okay. Number three, I told my brother Vance I'd be putting this list together and he said, you'd better effing put me on it. But I'm still kind of sore at him for effing driving over my guitar store with his monster truck. I don't think you're making the list this time, my brother in rock. So number three is just the comment. Yeah, it's just commentary. It's vacant.
00:14:00
Speaker
All right, I wish that I- That's a good list so far. I need more drummers on this list. It was Neil Peart, a big drunk guy, and Vacant. Those are the three so far. Okay. Number two, that drummer in Def Leppard lost his arm in a car accident, and he's still effing continued drumming for that effing band. You gotta effing admire that spirit, but I really can't stand those effing songs, so that dude isn't in this list either. Sorry, my brother in rock. Is this another vacancy?
00:14:28
Speaker
Yes. Okay. Boy, oh boy. Well, it's kind of appropriate that Neil Prits on a list by himself, isn't it? I guess. Number one, yours effing truly. While I normally focus on guitar, I know that when I air drum, my beat is effing solid, so I decided if I was ever going to become a drummer by actually playing the drums, you'd see why I was effing born in this number one spot.
00:14:52
Speaker
So he's putting himself number one over Neil Peart, who is number five on this list. Yeah. And then drunk guy, vacant, vacant, and Lance. Yeah. So that's Elizabeth.
Music Commentary: 'The Universe is Nude'
00:15:03
Speaker
You see what he did there? He gave you a lot to think about. And that's what Lance Brock's Rock Talk is all about. All right. Well, that's it for the Rock Talk Show. Smilton's been rocking pretty effing hard these days, and everyone says it's all because of me. And I say to all those who say that, no effing kidding.
00:15:21
Speaker
Lance Brock. Rock Talk. The show is done, but the Rockin' never is. So if you'll pardon my French, I'll effin' get back to rockin', which is the only thing in my effin' bones, and qua sera sera, and a riva dirty, and cheers to effin' that. Over and out. Peace. Okay. Well, I wish Lance the best. I do.
00:15:39
Speaker
That was awesome. But that's a rock talk for the ages. He rocked us and then he just left the rubble smoldering. And he's just going down that dusty road to rock the next town. Well, I hope he gets a good night's sleep. And then he has a really nice breakfast tomorrow morning. You sound weak as soup, Miss Lisbon. Trying to gainsay what Lance just did to us.
00:16:03
Speaker
He rocked this show to the foundation. I just wished him well. Oh, yeah, yeah. So nothing happened. Oh, that's a nice thank you, Lance, for the quiet conversation we had over tea. Now, if you'll be on your way, I have other social events to attend. Okay, there was some rockin', but I was also a little confused. This was like a frickin' earthquake. I think I came through it all right. Okay, fine. Well, let me reach over. Let's tune in. The Smilton radio. Let's listen to something.
00:16:29
Speaker
Something sexy. What? Well, here's the song. The universe is nude. Let's go
00:16:59
Speaker
Does Venus wrap a sash? Does Jupiter fasten his vest and twirl his black mustache? Imagine Mars in riding pants like such a silly thing. Would anything be stranger than old Saturn wearing wings? The universe is new, the universe is new. Look through a telescope, change your age.
00:17:33
Speaker
The universe is new I'm not rude but stripped right now The universe is new Is our star on a sweater? Do asteroids mark caps? What kind of shoes do comets have? You mean he earns me chaps? Imagine ones in overalls Quite fanciful as true What is planet X-14?
00:18:41
Speaker
you
00:19:05
Speaker
On a stage of clones In the whole cosmos The universe is new
00:19:27
Speaker
Do quasars don
Marketplace Madness
00:19:29
Speaker
a key? Do white wars hit suspenders high or in a bulk of trees? Imagine pulsars wearing boots, can you foresee the day? When we would make a big bird call to fit the Milky Way? The universe is new, the universe is new
00:20:03
Speaker
But strip right now the universe is new The universe is new The universe is new Look through a telescope Change your attitude The universe is new The universe is new I'm not rude but strip right now The universe is new
00:20:44
Speaker
The universe is nude by the smile syndicate right here on Hello Smile. Yeah, the universe is nude and that's a little bit sexy. That's what I was trying to get at there. Don't sully that song. It's not sullying. That song is supposed to get your head on straight when it comes to matters of guiding your life and recognizing key facts about the universe. The fact is there's no clothes out there. There's no clothes out there.
00:21:07
Speaker
So yeah, that's all. Yeah, I know. Small town, big marketplace. You got something to sell? Send it on in, we'll get the word out. That's right, Jason. If you're in Smilton, if you're in another town, you're not in Smilton, then get lost. You have your own bulletin board to post to. You can buy these things, but you have to come into town probably to pick them up.
00:21:28
Speaker
Yeah, no shipping. This is all local purchasing only. Well, there might be shipping, but I mean, I doubt it. Ms. Elizabeth, I don't set the rules I just claimed to. What's the first item up for sale? Cute adult-sized teddy bear costume. No, not yuck. Really super cute. No, no, no, no. This has seen me through a number of specialty cruises.
00:21:50
Speaker
Uh-huh. What does that mean? Uh-huh. Why do you think I was off-put by this thing? But it's time for me to switch to being a panther for a while. $750? Yeah. Call Michael Mollies. Michael Mollies. Michael Mollies. Oh, there you go.
00:22:07
Speaker
And I have to say, $750, depending on the condition of this costume, might be a positive steal. I think these costumes cost thousands of dollars. You shouldn't get near that thing, even if you had the hazmat suit on. Why not? I don't understand. I'll explain it to you off air.
00:22:25
Speaker
OK, but this is a foul posting. I don't think it's foul. I think it's super fuzzy. No, Miss Elizabeth, we're going to stop right there because I have something very important to announce right here. OK. Something's for sale. Yeah, what is it? Mystery box. Mystery box. A thousand bucks.
00:22:42
Speaker
Jason, the biggest waste of money you've ever seen or just pause. I love those mystery bags. You know, when you go to the candy store and they have those mystery bags and it's a dollar and you don't know what you're going to get. You love it so much. You don't want to hear about it. Usually, you know, it's going to be a sour candy bag or a non-sour candy bag because people either like that or they hate it. But then it's a mystery. Yeah, mystery. That's why it's called a mystery box. Can I get to it?
00:23:09
Speaker
I'm so excited to hear about this mystery box. Okay, let's hear it then. Okay, so it's a thousand dollars? Mystery box? A thousand bucks! The biggest waste of money you've ever seen or the deal of the century. Maybe the mystery box is here on my coffee table. Maybe it's just a conceptual mystery box. Wait a minute. Only one way to unravel the mystery. E-transfer that cool grand to me and all will be revealed. Oh, this sounds like a ripoff. Gregory, call me today and my cunning veil of mystery will be lifted to reveal.
00:23:39
Speaker
Dot dot dot. Seven eight oh five five five ninety four fifty six. Okay, I think you're just gonna reveal the mystery that this wasn't a really a mystery box. I'm quivering in anticipation to discovering the contents of the mystery box.
00:23:54
Speaker
Because when you go to the candy store and you get the mystery bag of candy, at least you know there's a candy bag right there. This is like Miss Elizabeth. The stakes have been raised. Yeah. The whole concept of the mystery box has been turned on its head or has it? I guess. Yeah. Or has it? Question mark. All right. I wasted years of my life trying to be a pentathlete. Okay.
00:24:20
Speaker
I never want to see my sneakers ever again. $650 and they're yours. This is what I was talking about, Jason. These are like mismatched prices to items, I think. But they're Pentatholite shoes, Miss Elizabeth. Those are cheap. Yeah, but they might be super worn out. I mean, Pentatholite, you've done a lot of running in those shoes.
00:24:42
Speaker
My shoes failed me and I never want to see them again. Okay, we don't want to pay $650 for shoes that failed a pentathlete.
00:24:51
Speaker
Thank you very much. Monica Angelica, 780-555-4342. Yeah, she's giving up on her dreams, Miss Elizabeth. She wants a little bit back. She wants some payback. Can you help someone get on with her life? No. You can't. $650. That's a lot. Small, closed hearted heart you got there. Yeah, I gotta say, your shoes are... Just use them for gardening now. Oh, stop.
00:25:14
Speaker
My buddy loves stealing bikes from Pickle Hills. They never lock up their bikes there. So he's got over a hundred. I framed him in a car wash vandalism case and now he's cooling his heels in jail. I stole the stolen bikes from him and would like to sell them back to their rightful owners. 250 bucks per bike. Bike justice. Wilbur, 780-555-0103. Mr. Elizabeth, he's like Robin Hood. These are not very good listings, I have to say.
00:25:43
Speaker
Selling bikes back to victims who got their bikes stolen? Wilbur's speaking truth to power and it makes you nervous, Miss Lizeth. When he's manning the barricades and yelling bike justice, you get the sweats. Why would you pay that's just wrong?
00:26:00
Speaker
Well, I'm just reading what I got here. I think that's wrong. My grandson did a science project for his grade four class and he invented something amazing. It's, oh, Jason, I like this one. It's a rainbow machine. Take the wooden box, turn the crank and wish real hard. Soon, the next time it rains, our rainbow might appear. Isn't that cute, Jason? Ah, that's super cute.
00:26:26
Speaker
He started making these things for sale, so if you would like one, give me a call. $550. Iris. $780. 555-5050. Come on. There's no way that rainbow machine works. That sounds... It totally will work. You just have to wait for the next time it rains and it might...
00:26:45
Speaker
Bring a rainbow. I'm not entertaining this kid. Forget it. 550 bucks. It's a wishing box. That thing should spew out golden rainbows. It should spew out pure gold for that money. Oh my goodness. No, it shouldn't. Gold at the end of the rainbow. Gold at the end of the rainbow. Right. It should be a money making. It should be a counterfeit machine. That's what it should be. That's not what it is. That might be what it is. OK, well just spare me your riddles then. I think somebody better buy one and just see if that's what happens.
00:27:15
Speaker
My van got driven into the lake. It's been fished out and it's a mess. If you want to try to fix it up, be my guest. $25,000. People are not setting accurate prices here. These are not tempting prices. That van got me more action than can be believed. So it was a sad day to see it slip beneath the surface. Clean it up and it might be similarly effective. It might be a similarly effective lady. Good luck charm for you too. Benjaminius.
00:27:45
Speaker
I can't, I can't, I can't go with you, Ben. That name is too ridiculous. Well, that's just the long form of his name. It is, again, these guys tormenting me with these weird names. Even shorter is Ben, and then if you want to go a little bit longer, you could call him Benny. I'm not calling him anything, 780-555-6060. People's phone numbers are weird too. Like there's a 60-60, there's a 50-50, there's a 43-42.
00:28:10
Speaker
There's a 90, 94, 56, I don't understand. Yeah, the phone numbers in Smiltern are cool. Deal with it. That's the small town, big marketplace, lots of high value goods for sale there. Well, high priced, low value goods. Some of them are just not even goods at all. Like the mystery box.
00:28:31
Speaker
You don't know what it is. That's right. It'll make your head spin whatever way and isn't a thousand dollars small price to pay to find out to lift the veil of the mystery. A thousand dollars is a large price to pay for anything. Well, you know what's more important than money? What? Time.
Podcast Summaries with Miss Elizabeth
00:28:48
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. Okay. I'm trying to motivate listening to this next segment, Ms. Elizabeth. You want to undercut me. Go ahead. All right. I was just not sure. Ms. Elizabeth is trying to save your time.
00:29:02
Speaker
By summarizing the other podcast, she does. Miss Elizabeth, tell us about it. Oh, okay. Must have Mustard. I actually am excited to tell you about this podcast. Things are finally getting back to normal on the world's premier podcast about mustarding.
00:29:20
Speaker
Nope. That is not a verb. I'm not sure. A dull thing is not real. A hell thing is not real. I'm not sure. Mustarding is not real. I think maybe because you're just not a big fan of mustard. Do you like mustard? I like a mustard and it sees me through in the situations where it's warranted. Only one mustard? And otherwise, I pay it no never mind. Okay, really? I just don't... Okay. A couple of mustards.
00:29:45
Speaker
Chrissy and I were live and in color in the studio and Rudy was joining us on the phone from an undisclosed location as he had just broken out, like so clever of him, just broken out of Mexican prison and had scurried across the border. Wasn't that clever of Rudy? That's the thing, your podcast sounds so stupid on the face of it and so pointless and such an utter waste of time. And then there's this seething undercurrent, like one of your co-hosts was in jail in Mexico and he escaped. Yeah.
00:30:15
Speaker
last time while he was in jail, he freaked out on a swingers cruise and threw somebody overboard because they were getting too close to his wife. He ended up in jail. He ended up in jail and then he escaped. That's an adventure. So you're going to talk about Mustards instead of getting a blow by blow. What's been going on while Rudy's on the lam. I imagine that he was in the Southwest somewhere. It'll take some more than an attempted murder charge on a cruise ship.
00:30:37
Speaker
to keep Rudy from talking about mustard on a podcast. Let me tell you that. Chrissy asked him how the mustard was in Mexican prison, and he said it was, and I quote, terrible. Oh, terrible. No one said Mexican prison was going to be a cakewalk. No, it wasn't all bad for Rudy in the joint, though. He reports that his time in prison has left him with some mighty impressive sideburns.
00:31:02
Speaker
Right on. Get your ass to the barbershop, Rudy. Chrissy and I got into a playful argument about whether Smilton Foods was stocking Brazilian gold mustard, which is, of course, the deluxe mustard from the South American mustard concern, one of the world's top producers of high end mustard. Jason, if you haven't heard of this, there's gold flecks in it.
00:31:29
Speaker
You want to feed me metal with this mustard. You want me to contaminate my body? Gold flecks. I'm not eating gold. I'm not eating any of that stuff. You don't come to any harm. You just feel higher class. I love this part. And just mustarding. It just makes you feel like life's a little better when you eat that mustard. You're being victimized by being sold this stuff.
00:31:49
Speaker
Well, I was sure that I saw it there, and Chrissy thought that I was seeing things, so we hit record on our phones, called Rudy, and put him on speaker, and we headed to the grocery store. We weren't able to settle the bed since Chrissy got rear-ended by your dopey friend, Jasper Joseph. Wait, what are you calling him dopey for?
00:32:11
Speaker
Well, I mean, he did rear end Chrissy on the way to the store. Why are you blaming me for that? I'm pretty sure that I'm right though, Jason. You see, you guys went to settle a bet and Jasper Joseph said, uh-uh, I'm going to crash into you instead. Well, that's kind of funny. Yeah. Was that on the show?
00:32:27
Speaker
uh yeah i mean part of it i mean you're always burying the lead here that's and that's it that sounds like a great episode you getting in a fender banner during the show always listen to the muster show always listen to must have maybe i might have to okay well here's another one just breathe a yoga podcast
00:32:45
Speaker
This is the one where you just breathe the whole time. There's no content, no preparation, no effort. Let me explain. 8 trillion downloads. Oren was in a grumpy mood for this particular episode. He had been thrown out of his noise band, the noise band that he had founded, Jason, earlier that day. So he wasn't in the mood to really just breathe. That's terrible. Noise band is part of what he wanted to do, but he wanted to do a lot of other things.
00:33:13
Speaker
Talk about a waste of time. So he told us all about his ouster from the band in an expletive, laden tirade, which we had to cut out because that stuff really isn't in the spirit of the show, Jason. The best stuff on the cutting room floor. The whole show should have been his tirade.
00:33:30
Speaker
Well, we had plenty in the show. So Oren did just breathe eventually, but he was muttering under his breath the whole time, which made the proceedings a little bit less relaxed than they should have been or than they could have been. Group all yoga podcasts. You know, if you just breathe, things will usually get a little bit better. Michelle's cell phone kept ringing through the whole show.
00:33:54
Speaker
Again, no preparation, no forethought. Her ringtone is nice and relaxing, but what it isn't is just the sound of breathing, which is what it should be. When the phone rings, it's just the sound of breathing. How disturbing would it be to have someone's phone's ringtone be just breathing?
00:34:11
Speaker
The whole point is it's the opposite of disturbing because it's just breathing. So Oren disagreed and when her phone rang for the sixth time he grabbed it and snapped it in half Jason. Well he's obviously not breathing hard enough. It was a little uncalled for but we cut him some slack because he really loved being in that noise band.
00:34:34
Speaker
That's all it's important. He just loves that noise band. He inflicts noise on everybody. No one else could possibly enjoy such a thing. It was a really big deal to him. So even with all this hubbub, we did get some good breathing in. We breathed in and we breathed out. Yeah. We breathed in. I'm going to ask you to stop.
00:34:57
Speaker
And we breathe out again. And then the fire alarm went off in Michelle's condo. Someone was doing some cooking and we had to get out of there.
00:35:07
Speaker
That's a shame. Even as we fled though, even as we fled the premises, I can tell you that there was relaxation all around. You know why, Jason? Why? Because we were breathing. Okay, very good. I'm not relaxed. I'm tense now because I hear how little you value the podcast form when you put such a half-arsed display for public display.
00:35:31
Speaker
I think it's a really good public service, though, to just remind people to breathe. Oh, boy. So is that it for the podcast catch-up? It is not. Oh. Rub a tub tub. You haven't heard of this one. I haven't heard of this one. There's nothing more exciting than bathtub racing, Jason. So you will not be surprised to hear that one of the most popular podcasts that I do is focused on this noble sport. I can't even be surprised anymore.
00:36:01
Speaker
I think you should be part of this. I think you would absolutely love it. Even Lance could get together, pull a team together. Bathtub racing team? That's right. Maybe. Herbie and Yoffit had some really great tips about how to tear out your bathtub and get that thing ready to race.
00:36:19
Speaker
out your bathtub yes racers put a premium on used tubs and this brand new store-bought stuff just doesn't cut through the wind quite the same way so you wreck your house to race in the tub that was serving as a tub
00:36:35
Speaker
So you buy a new one and you put that one in and in a few years you can tear that one out and race it once you retire the one that you're currently using. It's a system. It's a system. It's crazy. That's right. It's very rational. Linda had a physio appointment and couldn't make the recording.
00:36:52
Speaker
Oh, well, what happened to Linda? Well, she crashed her tub last weekend and sprained something. So she's getting that taken care of so that she can race again. You go fast enough in a bathtub to injure yourself. If you if you use a used one that catches the wind through the wind. Yeah, it does.
00:37:12
Speaker
Is that it, Miss Elizabeth? That's it for now. Thank you very much, Miss Elizabeth's podcast catch-up. I can tell, dear listener friend, you're already scrounging through your podcast app to look up these other podcasts and subscribe to them. Now I'm telling you, stop what you're doing. Miss Elizabeth will just give you the update and save you a lot of heartache. I imagine listening to those shows firsthand is so destroying.
00:37:35
Speaker
That's not the whole
Closing with 'Magic Mile' and Farewells
00:37:38
Speaker
point. That's just how it's coming off to me. Well, Ms. Elizabeth, let's play a song by the Smile Syndicate. Smile is a hard rockin' band. How about one about nude hitchhiking? Yeah, there should be more nudity. Magic Mile, let's go.
00:38:12
Speaker
These baggy clothes just help you hide. Your thumb is out, new friends to meet. Now strip right down and catch a ride. Walk a magic mile with nothing but a smile. Cars won't pass you by. You feel like you could fly.
00:39:01
Speaker
You're sometimes shy, but not today. The blazing sun can't get you down. OK, magic mile is nothing but a smile when cars won't pass you by in real life.
00:40:12
Speaker
Now climb inside this place
00:40:28
Speaker
Walk a magic mile and nothing But a smile with cars won't pass you by You feel like you could fly Walk a magic mile and nothing But a smile with cars won't pass you by You feel like you could
00:41:01
Speaker
Magic Mile by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello Smile Town. If you're grooving and rocking to your listener's hand, make sure you go to any digital streaming platform to listen to more Smile Syndicate songs. You'll find them there. Just go to the search bar, type the Smile Syndicate, and there you go. That's right. And if you're in a safe space, take off your clothes.
00:41:20
Speaker
Don't do that. Bad advice, Miss Elizabeth. So I think we better wrap this up before you start giving Dear Listener Friends some other crazy ideas. What's wrong with that advice? Nothing at all. Nothing at all. Well, we've had fun this week. Dear Listener Friend, I hope you're going to be joining us next week. Another episode of Hello, Smileton, and it's heading straight for you. But in the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out.
00:41:40
Speaker
That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next weekend. As always, remember, friend, the sun is the jukebox.