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What's Her Eureka Moment? Getting Chickens To Arm Wrestle
43 Plays5 months ago
Better than the jolt you get from a bug zapper, stronger than surge of power you get from a caffine-infused sugar drink, get what you need from this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
If comedy and original music is what you're after, Jason and Miss Elizabeth are happy to deliver it, with gusto.
The Smileton Death Metal Festival kicks off and Miss Elizabeth has all the details in the latest DEATH METAL UPDATE. There is much frivolity to be had, Jason's consternation not withstanding.
In the latest, SMILETON NORTHSIDE COMMUNITY STREET HOCKEY LEAGUE INJURY REPORT, hear which titans of the road have fallen and which are soon to be back on the road, smacking that tennis ball.
And in AROUND TOWN, get pointed to some of the key hotspots and events that dot Smileton like an out-of-control breakout of spots or somesuch.
Two poppin' songs by Smileton hitmakers THE SMILE SYNDICATE put the cherry on top of that huge pile of freshly-baked entertainment goodness.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
2:22 Death Metal Update
18:36 SONG – In The Year 2525
21:54 Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report
28:41 Around Town
37:29 SONG – Rumpus Room
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Transcript
Welcome to the Smiles Show
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smiles, and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Elizabeth, I appreciate the enthusiasm. Nice outfit, by the way. Oh, thanks. What do you mean, nice outfit, Miss Elizabeth? are you Creative. Right.
00:00:32
Speaker
Huh.
00:00:35
Speaker
Don't know what you're talking about there, Miss Elizabeth, but I'll take the compliment. If you're fishing for one ah coming back from me, ah you're gone
Fashion and Festival Frenzy
00:00:45
Speaker
fishing. you You're going to be out in that rowboat all day because I'm not returning the favor. where There's stuff going on in this town, Miss Elizabeth. You can appreciate ah my struggles today. I just like how you had a thought this morning and you just you went with it and you just went full bore. Dear listener friend, I don't know what she's talking about.
00:01:08
Speaker
She's teasing me. You're cheerful. She's confident because there's stuff going on in this town. Fine, Miss Elizabeth. I thank you for that. We just got to get this show over and done with as painlessly as possible so that I can retreat to the bunker and just try to ride out the rest of this month. Your listener friend will fill you in on why I feel so oppressed these days. This is a month for fashion and style and thinking before you put on your outfit, for sure. ah If only those words led to action on your part and on the part of the millions of narratives who have scuttled into our dear little town like locusts. Hey! I gave you a compliment. Fine. Miss Elizabeth, taken. And our transaction is complete.
00:01:55
Speaker
Your listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. We're going to have some fun. We're going to have some comedy outpourings and some musical utterances straight from Smilton, the podcasting capital of the world. And why not? Even in these challenging days, these challenging times, we'll still get the show out the door and you'll hear very little grousing from me. the Give or take.
00:02:19
Speaker
So we have a fun show coming up for you. we did First off, let's just get this nastiness out of the way, dear listener friend. I don't know if you're used to holding your nose while you listen to a podcast, but I suggest you might want to try it because Ms. Elizabeth is here with the death metal update. And boy, did we not need this today. I'm so excited, Jason. The 2024 Smiles and Death Metal Festival 2024 kicks off today. Wait a minute. The 2024 Smiles and Death Metal Festival 2024. It makes it like even. It makes it so that if you folded that name in half, then you would you would bookend it with 2024.
Economic and Cultural Impact
00:02:54
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:54
Speaker
You'll be able to do it. You know what I mean? I know what you're doing. Matching edges. Matching edges. It's nuts. I like it. Anyways, it kicks off today with a number of exciting events across the Tri-town area. You heard that right, Jason. It's not just Smileson this year. You knew that already. No. Pickle Hills and Gowers Gulch are also sharing in the fun. And isn't that what Death Metal is all about? I'm sure our neighbors will appreciate. Well, you know what? We've been suffering with this load all these years. They can share some of the burden as well. It's not like that. Take some of these ne'er-do-wells out of this town. It's not like that. They want to get in on the fun. And the profitability factor, of course. Yep. Yep. That's all that matters. It's an economic engine. At least the rubes. I'm so excited for this year's festival. Not only are Smileton's own Raunchy Gremlin headlining.
00:03:48
Speaker
You like raunchy gremlin. I don't like raunchy gremlin. But the original lineup of Slime Bride is reforming to play a show that will be simulcast to every continent in the world. Simulcast. Globally simulcast. Little brother. Yeah. Is it closed circuit television, Miss Elizabeth? If you'd like. Okay.
00:04:10
Speaker
Festival founder. It's a special event, regardless. Visionary, sage, wise one, organizer, and booster, York Flernstad opens. And if you're going to throttle one neck for this fiasco, there's your man. Well, he is the one in charge. Yeah. He used to blame, gotcha. I helped. He opened the festival by enthusiastically announcing a number of surprises that are sure to delight the estimated 3 million festival attendees. I can believe it. says Flernstadt, not only will we be filling the land with death metal celebration, we shall take up the skies. Okay. The Smilton Hot Air ballooning community has joined with us to bring you exciting events way up in the sky, and you've heard the phrase, if ghouls had wings, well this year ghouls have wings. like
00:05:06
Speaker
I don't know what any of that means, Mrs. Elizabeth, said miss elizabeth and I ah request you give me a second here because I'm rapidly updating my enemies list. Are you okay? I'm not okay. You just told me that get it yet if you thought you could get away from this nonsense by taking a hot air balloon ride, which I would never do, but I might consider it to get off the ground and away from the nonsense, you're telling me I'd be out of luck. Because death metal is this year also in the sky, Jason. No one's looking for that, Miss Elizabeth. but This is a form of cultural
Unique Festival Venues
00:05:35
Speaker
pollution. And I haven't neglected the underground tomb dwellers. Oh no. ah For the first time, Smilton's extensive network of underground tunnels, the so-called catacombs, will be teeming with death metal activities. Why?
00:05:56
Speaker
Well, because it's space that's been neglected, it's available, it's been explored, it's the perfect type of space for it. So the people who don't like this death metal festival, who may have retreated to the catacombs as a form of fallout or air raid shelter, out of luck again. Out of luck. It seems like every avenue of escape is being systematically cut off. Yeah, diabolical. Usually nobody's trying to escape the Death Metal Festival because it's such a ah fun time full of, you know, frivolity and also profit, so... Again, we're back to that. Miss Elizabeth, you you don't care how much destruction that that thing does to our town as long as the almighty dollar is in play. Flernstadt says, I don't want to give away too much, but in true death metal fashion, the true action is going to be six feet under. At least! Those catacombs go down more than six feet, Jason.
00:06:49
Speaker
See you up there and down there and right here. Jorg, you've done it again. Yeah, you've done it again all right. Really good job, Jorg. Ladies and gentlemen, Silenced, why are you even here? he why don't you Why don't you go out ah to take part in the Death Metal festivities and leave me alone? All right, Jason, time for some death metal festival shout outs. I have met so many new friends already that I need to give them a great big death metal howdy doo. Big death metal props to Nick comedy's night garden.
00:07:25
Speaker
um Okay, some rando you just met. He deserves a full share of the time on this show. Let me explain. He flew all the way from Greece in his cloak and face paint. He should have stayed in Greece. What's so unusual about that? He was the pilot of the Jumbo Jets. Oh boy, oh boy. Wow, how much fun would it have been to be on that flight, Jason? Clutching the armrests. feverly praying this maniac doesn't wipe out the rest of us well that's part of because yeah his judgment unsound he showed up to work looking like that everybody thought yeah get behind the get behind the wheel of that plane you can fly it across the ocean nothing wrong with you you don't have a screw loose or three but he's he's got a screw loose
00:08:10
Speaker
OK, and a great big crypt burgling what up to Howard and Gladys Steinberg. It's their first death metal festival, yeah and they are here celebrating their 65th wedding anniversary. Congratulations. Colossal error and judgment. Howard's homemade cannibal sorcerer costume was adorable. What happened to these people to make them take such a bad turn so late in life? And Gladys certainly made quite a racket dancing the Charleston in her clogs and cloak. Happy wife, happy life, Jason. well I guess. And Megahayo's to Winston the Crypt King. what Hang on, who? Winston the Crypt King. Uh-huh. I ran into Winston. Winston. i don You yeah i mean
Festival Activities and Tips
00:09:03
Speaker
the the erstwhile Winston the Food King?
00:09:06
Speaker
Well, in this case, he's Winston the Crypt King. I ran into him at the death metal face painter. Yeah. What about this face painter? And he was excitedly telling me that he got into death metal last week, like only just recently. Winston did. Yes. What a... Quizzling! And that the festival has already convinced him that abandoning competitive food eating and embracing the forever void never toot of death metal is just what the doctor ordered. Good. Well, you can have them. Call it a diet, if you will. Yeah. He's a crappy competitive food eater, and the community is better off without him. Go have fun with your new friends, Winston. That's good to hear, Winston. You're welcome with us to all death metal friends, both old and new. Let's get this festival bumpin'. Yeah, bumpin'. I'm so happy to see how much community support this festival has, Jason. Holy just ugh.
00:10:03
Speaker
The mayors of the Tri-town communities, Smileson's own Patti Pepper, also Goody Goodstone from Gowers Gulch, and Acting Pickle Hill's mayor, Jackie Jackson, boy have formed their own death metal trio. a stage group and have been telling all who will listen that they're so excited to dress up and participate in the festival and can't wait to represent the Triton area at other upcoming deaf manifestivores. Oh, there we go. There's the angle. They never met a bandwagon. They didn't want to jump on it if it brought them some kind of benefit. They're going to travel to Scandinavia. They're going to take the Smilton news to Argentina. They're going to advertise Smilton over in Japan and also in Hawaii. No, they're just going on an extended world tour vacation, going to other death metal festivals. It's a world tour, but it's a world tour as a band. On the public dime.
00:10:58
Speaker
Okay, and now here's a selection of Death Metal new releases. These Death Metal albums are so new, Jason, that they have not yet been recorded. You'll see why. That makes no sense. You're announcing things that haven't even been done yet. They're live albums that are planned to be recorded at the festival and will be released over the next few months. well I'm going to show up at some of these shows that you're going to tell me about here and see if I can't get on those albums. All right. With a word of ah with some words to maybe ah do some course correcting to any unsuspecting listener. OK, sounds like you have some. You you hear the crowd going.
00:11:35
Speaker
and then you'll hear a voice, you can do better. Stop listening to this stuff. I'm gonna find the microphone and I'm gonna be right up against it like this. Okay, if you're listening to this album, you seek counseling. Seek counseling from a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or your clergyman. Okay, so then your first stop, Jason. I'm gonna have a prepared statement that's gonna appear on each of these albums. Okay, so you're gonna have to attend number one, Slime Bride. Yeah. Back whom in the tomb? Back whom? Back whom? H-O-M-B. Yeah, delightful. Back whom in the tomb? Oh, those death metal puns. From the Smiles and Death Metal Festival. Yeah. Second, you'll have to go to Necrotic Nerds. The Nerds. I would have gone anyway to the Necrotic Nerds, I suppose. This one is planned to be called The Nerds Are Live, or should we say Undead? Oh.
00:12:27
Speaker
The less said, the better. You slightly liked that title, renamed it. It was a cringe of embarrassment for you, Miss Elizabeth. raunchy gremlin is the next concert you'll have to go to and yet you'll have to go if you want to appear on their concert on their concert album which will be called the ladies love raunchy gremlin live or should i say undead i dispute that assertion that they're undead that anybody enjoys them
00:12:58
Speaker
Well, I think so. Well, go and find out. Okay. Okay. The next one you'll have to go and this will be the fourth death metal concert you will have attended. Yeah. You're going to start liking death metal. I think I will be in a far worse state. physically, mentally, psychically, after four of these shows. But you're only going there to try to ruin the live recording? Yeah, look that'll buoy my spirit. Okay, so it's called Craving the Crypt. That's the band. And then the I think the title is going to be Smileton at Sundown. Keep our town's name out of this. We don't need that immortalized forever that we ever hosted such a crazy event.
00:13:38
Speaker
And finally, but you can go to as many other concerts as you want, go and see The Cauldrons Bounty. And this album is planned to be called Entombed At Last, live with the Smilton Symphony Orchestra. Another institution corrupted. The Smilton Symphony Orchestra? Yeah. They've often been part of the Death Metal Festival. all yeah Yeah, I gave up on them a long time ago. Oh, boy. But elizabeth this is a this is a tough road. You put me down. yeah I got work to do. And um'm I bet I'm going to get precious little thanks for it. Listen, you're going to be out there going to these concerts. I've got some tips for you attending a month long festival no matter how fun it does require preparation. jason Well, tell me what I need to do to survive. OK, so here are some tips. Number one, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Those wool cloaks that we wear don't really breathe. No. And it's very easy to overheat. So keep drinking that water or death metal powder drink. Either one. Yeah. well I don't know what that is. I don't know what it is. I think it's like an off brand Gatorade. Oh, that sounds appetizing. We got it in big barrels.
00:14:52
Speaker
but yeah Yeah, big barrels that just have the word drink on it. Oh, sounds good. Death metal drink. Let me slake my thirst. leave your face paint on and just touch it up as you go. That's another tip. Leave it up. You are going to go dressed up, aren't you, Jason? No. So it's a lot of work applying and then removing an elaborate death metal face paint design all day, like every day, day after day after day. It might make you think, what am I doing with my life? do Why am I wasting my time? Exactly. Don't waste your time. Don't waste your time. Sleep in that face paint and then fix it up in the morning and you're good to go. That's the wrong end. It's safe. That's the wrong way to say you landed wrong. It's okay for your skin these days. You know death metal face paint is actually good for your skin these days. Get the right kind. Hard handy lead in that paint at all. It's like a face mask. And finally, wearing clogs for a month straight can test the feet of even the sturdiest death metal denizen. I recommend wearing comfortable running shoes.
00:15:53
Speaker
with one of those new clog shells that you can buy to go over top of the shoes. Oh, so you... You can do it on the way. You wear running shoe and then you pretend you're wearing clogs. That's right. They're fake. You look like you're wearing clogs, but it's just a wooden wrapper over top of your comfy sneakers. So you get the best of both worlds. Fraudulent. Fraudulent. You can be a... It's fashion. Death metal poser. It's not fraudulent. Death metal poser loser. as Holy, who even thought there would be such a thing? Who would be so glad yeah self-loathing to be a poser in the death metal? Oh my goodness, Elizabeth. Fashion, it's as fraudulent as wearing pants when you were born pantless. I didn't i didn't think, ok i Miss Elizabeth, you got me spun round on this one. You still make noise, but at least your feet aren't being turned into hamburger.
00:16:43
Speaker
Because you're probably not used to wearing clogs all the time. Yeah, so don't do it. So you get blisters. Oh my goodness. You know what though, Jason, if you wear them all year long, you will develop clog foot muscles and you will be able you will have strong muscular feet. Yeah, but what have you done to yourself otherwise? Miss Elizabeth, it's not worth it. It's one area of self-improvement that, you know, just pick one area. Clogs. I'm dispirited. Do you have anything else? Well, if you follow these tips and bring your best that you can, yeah ah you can help to make this the best death metal festival that Smileson has ever seen. It sounds like you're trying to you're going to try to be a destructive force, but I feel like that's even going to work in the mix because it's death metal after all. I try year after year, I try to disrupt this thing and it never works, Miss Elizabeth. ah But i yeah and I am undefeated. I'm unbowed, bending, not breaking. all right That's me. Like a willow tree.
00:17:36
Speaker
you like yeah m lewis smith yeah yeah Like any kind of proper life form that seeks sustenance and doesn't look look to polluted surroundings, which is more than I can say for the teeming locusts of the death metal community who have descended upon us and who are eating our crops and and fouling the land. Okay, well... Yeah, so that's... ah So when I see posters for Death Metal Festival, you'll forgive me if my so stomach doesn't tighten. Or it does tighten. It does tighten, Miss Elizabeth. Alright. Because it's bad news for all of us. Okay.
00:18:09
Speaker
ah Well, yeah probably I'm at a low point. miss elizabeth I think I need to be i need to be i need to be ah convinced that there are better things than this death metal nonsense. And I think a piece of music might just help that attitude. to calm down We're stuck in the present day, which is a little bit depressing. So let's cast our eyes forward hundreds of years, perhaps to the year 2525. Okay.
00:18:38
Speaker
25 25 if man is still alive if woman can survive
00:19:00
Speaker
35, 35, pain underneath the truth, tell no lies Everything you think to or say is in the pill you took today In the year 45, 45, don't need your teeth, won't need your eyes You won't find a thing to do, nobody's gonna look at you
00:20:03
Speaker
65, 65, don't need no
00:20:13
Speaker
You'll see a peaceful man has been pretend
00:20:41
Speaker
Man has cried a billion tears For what he never knew Now man's reign is through But through the eternal night The twinkling of starlight
00:21:32
Speaker
in the year 2525 right here on Hello Smilton. I would have tuned that in on the Smilton radio, but it's all that's on that thing these days is death metal, Miss Elizabeth, so I kept my distance. I didn't even touch that thing. yeah okay What a ridiculous state of
Community Impact and Challenges
00:21:46
Speaker
affairs. I can't even but yeah you put on the old trusty radio without getting assaulted. It's a cookie monster all day long. Well, that's not fun for anyone, but I'll tell you what is fun for everyone. Street hockey. Smilton street hockey, a backbone cultural institution in this town, and one upon which many people enjoy wagering.
00:22:11
Speaker
You've got to have accurate information about who's in and who's out in these games because you don't want to get surprised. you're going to be the but the The bucks are going to be bet big time and you've got to have accurate info. So this is the Mountain Northside Community Street Hockey Injury Report. You think you know how your team's going to do? Well, guess again, if one of the key players is hurt, the odds change. It's a crazy mix them up, so ga let's ah let's get right to it. Okay. Don't bet until you hear their latest update, dear listener. I hope everybody's okay. In the end, they all come back.
00:22:46
Speaker
first First up on the list, Bucky Behosis, right winger for the wide rhino boys. Again, I thought we were going to talk about something else separate from death metal for a little while, but here it is sticking its nose in again. a Good old Bucky tripped on a cloak. were warned by one of those death metal ne'er-do-wells standing too close to the road. What were they even doing watching a street hockey game? Go watch your junky garbage ah death metal stuff. Stay away from street hockey. So Bucky twisted his ankle. It's going to be close for a month now. You're just going to have to learn how to step around them. Well, before proper medical attention could be upon Bucky, some death metal ne'er-do-well shaman got to work on him.
00:23:29
Speaker
Oh, that's helpful. Oh, that's helpful. Bucky says his ankle's fixed, he should be ah but he should be going to see a proper doctor in my book. Okay, so the shaman fixed him. I don't believe it, Miss Lisbon. I think Bucky's just trying to play along. Ladies and gentlemen, I told you once, I don't want to hear it today. Sally Jennings, defense, raft riders of Smilton. She got in a fight at a farmer's market, hyper extended her knee while brawling with a fellow shopper. It can get pretty tight in the farmer's market. There's only one day, there's only a set amount of hours. You can only shop from the bell until the other bell. Exactly. And there's a finite supply of BC cherries, which is apparently what the bone of contention was. The last basket, they got to brawling. I don't know who ended up with the cherries and there's no timeline for Sally Jennings. And I got to tell you, those cherries will hit you like little bullets, like rubber bullets, for sure. They're delicious, Miss Elizabeth. And I can see why Sally Jennings left it all on the road brawling for that thing. But who knows? Too bad. What a waste of cherries. The raft riders, they're going to have a hole in that defensive core.
00:24:34
Speaker
So what's wrong with her? Just hyper extended her knee? oh Yeah, that's all. That's not bad. that's Just, you know, drop a strap a thing on it. look Chase Kenzo, Center for the Pill Pop and Speed Kids. He spent all night in emergency after his parents called 911 to report that he was wigging out too much. it Sounds like the parents had the problem there. Well, he was wigging out, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, a little bit of wigging out is okay, but when you do too much, everybody around you starts getting concerned. so fidgety and vibrating Kenzo was taken in for observation. It may not miss any time, but a source close to the pill-popping speed kits coaching staff tells me that the team is encouraging Kenzo to cool his jets a bit.
00:25:15
Speaker
There's no chance that he actually popped any pills, is there? I think that's exactly what's causing this fidgeting. He popped too many pills, Miss Elizabeth. So he does need to just chill. Even the speed kid can go too fast, so I think he just needs to cool his jet beam. He may be in action and for the pill-popping speed kid's next game. you're Maybe not. You're not the Flash. Miss Elizabeth, have you if you saw him play, you wouldn't see that. Say that. Goofstar, the Magnificent. goalie for the Klingon honor hockey guard. I don't think I've ever heard of this team before. No, I don't like talking about them. Because they're they are new and they're I miss Elizabeth. Do they only speak in Klingon because that would be awesome. What do you think the answer to that is? I think they only speak in Klingon. Yes. And do you think they have home ah makeup appliqués where they try to make themselves look like Klingon warriors? Yeah. But I wonder which season of but of Star Trek it comes from. I think midway through the run of Deep Space Nine is where these Klingons hail from. Okay, well that's pretty frightening then.
00:26:19
Speaker
It is. Can I get to the injury report? Okay, let's hear it, because I so goosear was on the makeup. Yeah, Gustar's not content with making a fool of himself on the road by looking ridiculous. ah He decided he'd up that by running straight into a lamppost during a game against the Flapjack Freakazoids, which is pretty much the last team you want to be doing that kind of stuff against. His head ah appliance slipped down. Over his eyes didn't couldn't see where he was running straight into the lamp. Oh, that'll happen He'll be back in action once he's a little less out of it. Okay. So good work goosestar and Our last injury. I don't think that's his Klingon name, by the way, are you sure? But we'll take it up with him this was but I can only report the facts. Okay.
00:27:03
Speaker
Fenton burns. Left wing for the Smilton food bank. We know Fenton. He manages Grady the goat. That's right. Integral calculus solving goat. Yes. Well, his dentures went down the, went down the sewer.
00:27:19
Speaker
Oh Fenton. superwer His dentures went down the sewer during a doubleheader against the chug of lugs and he's still sore about it. According to Burns, he'll consider playing again once he's able to eat a meal. It doesn't have to be s sipped through a straw. They are not cheap, you know, those dentures. You have to get them custom made. It's not like you can go on Facebook Marketplace to get those replaced. Book Grady the goat for a few more high-paying gigs and your cut will probably easily cutter and new cut a new set of dentures, Fenton. That's true. Okay, maybe we'll be hearing from Grady the goat. He's like taking his ball and going home. He won't play until he gets his dentures. You don't need teeth to play this game. You just need grit. That's true. In fact, most hockey players play just fine without them. get yeah Yeah, how many players are playing missing teeth? Come on, Fenton. Burns. Get your act together. sheerss
00:28:04
Speaker
I don't mind, I don't mind using this platform to call out that kind of behavior, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, you gotta step it up, Fenton Burns.
00:28:14
Speaker
I mean, I'd have some sympathy the man's just lost a full mouthful of teeth. I don't care about his denture problem. That's it for this mountain Northside community street hockey injury report. miss well nicely done I feel a little better. I put my mind towards street hockey. That's a healthy thing to be doing. Lots of action. Lots of exciting comings and goings and and stay tuned for the upcoming games because you it's going to be a wild and wooly ride. smiled and full of things to do and some of them ah many of them all of them should have nothing to do with death metal but here we are we're in the throes of the death metal fist but festival festival which just kicked off today. elizabetha I trust we're going to use this upcoming segment which we call
00:29:00
Speaker
Around town that's right to point people at non death metal events because surely there is something going on in Smilton that is i ah for For decent thinking people. I think there are other things than death metal happening Okay, great. Just that there's gonna be a lot of death metal things happening. There's so much going on with the death metal festival It's hard to know how exactly to plan your days. It's kind of like death metal Disneyland like you got him You got to pick something and be specific Not how I would describe it. What I want to highlight here is that no matter what event that you choose around town, the hot air balloons with speakers deployed across the tri-town area will ensure that everyone can hear every single note of the festival. Oh, come on. Unless anyone was worried. ah Do what you want. The Smiles and Death Metal festivals got you covered. caught your So there's no escape. This year, no escape. You're not trying to escape, Jason. i
00:29:57
Speaker
Gaslight me all you want. You're not gonna, you won't break me, Miss Elizabeth. Two and two is four, no matter how strenuously you argue otherwise. I think you're gonna start becoming a fan of death metal soon. well I love the lack of forethought here. You're telling me the debt that there's gonna be speakers suspended above our heads. We can't get away. This noise will be blaring down upon us. There's more than one stage. More than one band plays. during at one At any given time, there are multiple bands playing. So it is going to be an unholy cacophony. That's what they call it, yeah. It's death metal unholy cacophony. Well, I think my around-town recommendations should just be stuff as many earplugs in your ear holes as you can, dear listener friend. Is that really your suggestion? It isn't, but I do have something that could possibly be an antidote to all this death metal nonsense. Okay. ah You love chicken fighting, right? No. You love arm wrestling, right?
00:30:49
Speaker
I don't mind watching some arm wrestling, especially if it's the handsome firefighters. Well, it isn't because I'm talking about combining chicken fighting and arm wrestling. How do you do that, Jason? Well, I don't know yet. There's no event to announce here. I just have a really good idea. So if any other like-minded individuals want to escape the death metal cacophony, let's find a quiet spot somewhere. me I have an idea. Why don't we ask the chickens to arm wrestle? What chickens? Chicken fighting. Dear listener friend, you should have seen her face. She... She reacted to her own idea like she had... I don't even know. Like she had just cracked the biggest... menu the biggest grin you ever saw. Like I just... i ah yeah you It was a eureka moment for Miss Elizabeth. What's her eureka moment? Moment? Getting chicken storm wrestled. That's not what I'm talking about.
00:31:43
Speaker
ah
00:31:45
Speaker
but Hey, you're a you have a bad poker face when it comes to evaluating your own ideas miss Elizabeth
00:31:54
Speaker
I think it's a really good idea though. i i Obviously, I think it's an insane idea. So what I'm saying is let's... if Dear listener friend, ignore this nonsense. but If you want to meet me at the Smoughton Mall food court, let's go. Let's get this idea off the ground. And we got a... we get Miss Elizabeth has a completely backwards chicken's arm wrestling. Would not help anyone. Okay. All right, I've got another idea. Are you ready? Oh boy, hit me. No matter how fun the Death Metal Festival is, the Death Metal Fire Safety Program should never be far from your mind.
Safety and Controversy
00:32:31
Speaker
Why not?
00:32:32
Speaker
Death metal fire safety. Yeah, um fire safety. Very important. with our Why do you have to stick death metal on everything? Well, because we because it's specific for death metal. We've got woolen cloaks, wooden shoes, and straw hats. So basically we're walking fire traps.
00:32:52
Speaker
Straw hats? I don't even want to know what you mean. Again, it's woolen cloaks, wooden shoes, and straw hats. That's what we're wearing. That's a new piece of the outfit. Well, it's summer, so you need to keep yourself... Yeah, keep that blasted sun out of your eyes. So let's all attend a demonstration from the Handsome Firefighters Brigade, which will be taking place in Harvester Square tomorrow afternoon. We will learn about how to prevent death metal kitchen fires, what to do if our cloak catches on fire, and we will see a live firefighting demonstration from our Handsome Firefighters in their finest death metal get-ups, because they like to get into it too, Jason. Remember those guys weren't big enough clowns already Don't look come on. Do you do did not have to throw that in there? They're not clowns. They're heroes in our town. Oh, they're so handsome. I'll stop it They're always raising money for kittens and such Remember very well only you can prevent death metal forest fires gibberish
00:34:01
Speaker
Yeah. That's not gibberish. You can't prevent them. Okay. I haven't, I haven't started one death metal forest fire, Ms. Elizabeth. Congratulations. You prevented that one from being started. Practice what you preach. Okay. Boy, oh boy. Talk. Okay. I got, we got to change topics here. because I've got something I'm actually a little bit excited about. I'm going to talk about your favorite underwear model, Miss Elizabeth. Thank you. Jersper Silva. You told us about him ah not long ago ah hosting some kind of ridiculous underwear modeling event at the Tea House. I don't even mind just thinking about that underwear model, Jason. Okay. Well, here, think about this then.
00:34:38
Speaker
Uh, he won't be ah running around during the death metal festival in his ginch. ah Sorry. We don't call it ginch. I do. Instead he's gonna be given a fire and brimstone speech condemning death metal. I don't think so. Turns out he's one of the world's foremost anti-death metal crusaders and I'm gonna go listen to what the man says. Really? This talk will be happening at the Smilton Rec Center in the Brady the brady Benchley room. Okay. How did he get a name? Ugh. He's a political hack. He's a toady for our inept, corrupt mayor Patti Pepper, and he's got a room named after him now. You cannot be surprised that the Brady Banshee eventually room has his name on it. We know that. As soon as I see that, I put it out on my brain because it's too offensive a fact to retain. It's just a thing. 730. You can have a room. Yeah, if I play the game,
00:35:28
Speaker
No thanks, Miss Elizabeth. If you want a room, you can- I mean, Brady just wanted a room. He got one. 7.30. Thursday. Mountain Rec Center. Okay. This underwear guy might be a nutter. He might be talking a whole bunch of sense. Either way, we gotta give this man a hearing. We got to because he's gonna probably be doing it in his under- He's not doing it in his ginch, Miss Elizabeth. He's got- He's got a town to save and I'm here to hear that. I'm there to hear the message. Okay, Jesper's is an underwear model. He can do more than one thing. He can do them at the same time. He doesn't have to do everything in his underwear. I think he's going to be doing this one in his underwear. So we'll all be there to cheer him on. Did you even hear what he's talking about? He's going to be firing brimstone against death metal. Nobody can hear what you're talking about when you're doing it in your underwear.
00:36:18
Speaker
So much for me being excited about that. It's literally impossible to stand against this stuff because they'll just it they just it's like the blob. This was supposed to be an anti-death metal event and yeah you have completely co-opted it. It's going to be just fine. That's it. He looks great in those pants. Good. That's it. Around town. Actually, you know what? Here's the main thing I'm going to be doing around town. Heading straight to the bus station and buying a ticket out of here for a month. Okay, well, good luck with that.
00:36:54
Speaker
Okay, bye! I'm going! I'm serious, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. Do the show by yourself for the whole month. Okay, so the airport is, as you know, the airport doesn't work. Utterly clogged within bounce flights. Once the death metal festival has started, you can't get out of town. No. And the same goes for the buses in a different way, but it's still the same. I'll go buy a bike. I don't even care. Okay, go ahead, death metal bike out of town. We gotta play a song. by the smile syndicate, we it'll it'll help clear these clouds of confusion. That sounds good. Rumpest room. Let's go. Energy.
00:37:43
Speaker
Dance tonight Rumpest room, take a flight Rumpest room
00:38:04
Speaker
Brumpest room, pants are tight Brumpest room, livin' large Brumpest room, who's in charge Brumpest room, ooooh, ooooh Dancein' proud Brumpest room, singin' loud Brumpest room, pull em down Brumpest room, party clown
00:38:35
Speaker
Like a dog, run this room Scream and shout, run this room Freakin' out, run this room
00:39:00
Speaker
into me rhombus never mind the rhombus turning in the rhombus there's no rising rhombus digging all the rhombus mrs. baby rhombus
00:39:30
Speaker
Up and down! Grump this room! Ugly sounds! Grump this room! Going nuts! Grump this room! Grab a butt! Grump this room! Life's routine! Grump this room! Fever dream! Grump this room! What's that smell? Grump this room! Living hell! Grump this room!
00:40:33
Speaker
Rumpus Room by the smile syndicate right here on Hellos Mountain. This was with trying days indeed. yeah I think we've painted a pretty chilling picture of what it's like to be in Smartham these days. Chilling? Utterly chilling. It's it's oppressive. It's claustrophobic. It's not hot as month. It's not chilling at all. We're warm and cozy. I know you come to this show for some fuel to power you through the week. I hope you got what you needed because I need a little bit of that stuff myself because it's going to be a tough month, but we'll get through it together. Don't worry about it. In the meantime, stay tuned for another episode of Hello, Smile and coming straight at you next week. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word, make a difference.
00:41:26
Speaker
So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next death metal week. And as always, remember friends, the sun is the jukebox.