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People Don't Wanna Hear The Truth At High Volume
34 Plays5 months ago
Drop what you're doing and kick it into the ditch because it's a foolish waste of time compared to listening to this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth, unbowed by the summer heat, have turned up the temperature on comedy and original musical entertainment and today's show will show without doubt that they've hit the boiling point.
Smileton's most intense, over-the-top yoga master Angel has his eager student Jason delivering his timely words of wisdom in the latest A YOGA MOMENT WITH ANGEL. Think of the sagest monk with the fighting skills of that guy from UFC 4.
Crank messages, bizarre missives and baffling utterances highlight any edition of the SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD and this latest one is no exception. Your head will be spinning in delight after hearing what the good people of Smileton have to say.
Two songs from Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE bring us the musical good times and why not? After the week you've had, you deserve it.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
5:02 A Yoga Moment with Angel
19:45 SONG – Dirt Bke
24:00 Smileton Community Message Board
40:09 SONG – The Sun Is A Jukebox 2000
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Transcript
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello,
Introduction to Smileton
00:00:05
Speaker
Smileton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to take straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, thank you so much. A little kudos my way would be appreciated. All right, kudos to you. What's it for? Can you not see how bedraggled I am? You are a bit bedraggled. I am exhausted. Yes, July is an awkward month for you. It is. But first things first, before I get into my torments, I got to welcome you, dear listener friend of the show. Thanks so much for checking this out today. If you're in the mood for comedy and music, we're hoping to bring it to you.
Jason's Exhaustion and Festival Challenges
00:00:43
Speaker
But yeah I got a hand tied behind my back and my ankles are bound up with duct tape. Oh, boy. That sounds very awkward. we Luckily, you have one hand free to press play and stop and rewind.
00:00:54
Speaker
Yeah, I'll fight my way through it, Miss Elizabeth. Don't even worry about that. If you were listening last week, dear listener friend, you know full well that this town is under siege. I wouldn't call it a siege. It's a Smileton Death Metal Festival kicked off. It's a festival. It's not a siege. It's a siege. There are hotter balloons with speakers blaring the cacophony across the town. There is no escape from it. So much fun. And last night, I was trying to get some sleep. And the festival goes quite long into the night because these people like to pretend that night is when they come alive and they roam the earth. Yeah, it's death metal. Yeah, it's super annoying for those of us who have lives in the daylight and we're trying to get... It's like a month-long Halloween celebration, sort of. Yeah, so if you're eight... Like musical. Sounds cool if you're eight years old. If not, get your head on straight. Alright. Anyways, I'm trying to sleep... So you need to put on your earmuffs.
00:01:46
Speaker
they were of no use because I don't know what was going on but it seemed louder than normal last night and all I heard was this voice okay everybody we're gonna do but but like he actually was talking like that to introduce the song yeah that's what you do I was appalled that I could understand it so clearly yeah people bring out their their death metal voices so then they did it then and then as he was introducing the song by the way pause your death metal voice was amazing can we hear more from death metal Jason Absolutely not because my throat is shredded just from doing that little bit and I'm going to have to do a little more coming up here. So if you if you don't mind, I'll conserve my resources.
Smileton's Resilience Despite Festival Noise
00:02:24
Speaker
So this idiotic song gets going, it's just pounding and pounding, nothing interesting happening. And then they do like a breakdown. And then the guy starts going, back to the crypt. Back to the crypt. Wow, you're a natural Jason. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, silence yourselves. If any one of you were involved in what I'm about to describe, I'll turn the fire hose on the laudia. I feel like you might have been involved how good that was. The singer would do it. And then he got the audience to do it. Back and forth. Back to the crypt. Back to the crypt. Yeah. Don't know. We're not starting that here, Miss Elizabeth.
00:03:02
Speaker
So it went on and I was like, this will end. This will end. This will end. And then it became a question. So I decided to start but noticing how long this thing would go on for. One hour, 12 minutes. That's how long the sing-along happened. Back and forth. What I just did... It's like a trance. yeah It's like insomnia. It's what spirit it's an experience. case that was off fouls did that's That's this festival in in a nutshell. yeah If you're in the party, you can be dopey and it's all fun and giggly times and the rest of us just trying to live our lives. The time just flies if you participate.
00:03:44
Speaker
I'm not part... miss smith lips so I don't participate. I noticed. That's my M.O. Yeah. We just have to drag you through it. Apparently I'm wrong. Apparently I haven't been conducting myself the right way. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying you're not enjoying yourself. No. Oh, let me write that down. I was unaware.
00:04:04
Speaker
What I do enjoy is doing this show with you for Dear Listener Friends benefits, so I think we got to get going here. Yeah. We're going to be checking in with the good people of Smilton. I still believe in this town, Miss Elizabeth. This festival notwithstanding, there is good here. Smilton's the best, by the way. The people are have gone down a... Smilton, if you lived here, you'd be home by now. yeah I was just trying to cheer myself up and you pulled me right back into the ditch. But it's true, though. I don't need to hear from that guy. Everybody should really smile tonight. Miss Lisbeth, this festival is tarnishing the image of the town. It's tarnishing its image with me. But I will cling to the spirit of smiling because I still believe it beats in the heart of most of us.
Angel's Yoga Updates and Rants
00:04:46
Speaker
And that is never more true than when we present the Smilton Community Message Board, where our good citizens will be bombarding us with bizarre statements and utterances. And we'll be going through that later in the show.
00:04:57
Speaker
Yeah, they're not all bizarre. Some of them are helpful. Well, so time will tell. hu But first, I need this more than ever. This is a good thing to be doing with your life. Time to relax. Tranquility. yeah Zen. That's right. It's time for a yoga moment with Angel. Okay, that doesn't always go in the way that you hope, though. MyBuddyAngel runs the best yoga studio in town. ah He's the creator of the patented yoga 10x times a thousand method. The most over and top intense brutal method of yoga you ever heard about. Yes, brutal and yoga don't usually go together. but didnt Speak for themselves, Miss Elizabeth. yeah I'm living proof. OK, so he has he's provided a stirring yoga moment for us here. MyBuddyAngel did. So let's get to it right now. So he's afraid of the microphone, is that correct?
00:05:42
Speaker
I think he's overcome his fear and now it's just he can't be arsed to come down to Smiles and make it HQ to record this. So he said, can you just do this? I'll believe that when I see him actually interact with ah a mic. I think he's just embarrassed to have that pointed out. Listen to his audio book, Miss Elizabeth. He's been leaking ah little clips from it online. but he Powerful stuff. I know, but he had to record that while the microphone was being hidden. Yes, it was in a box, so it's a little muffled, the sound. But yeah miss elizabeth it doesn't when the message is that clear, the audio shortcomings pale into nothingness. Let's go, let's hear it from Angel.
00:06:17
Speaker
Waka Waka, how's it hanging? and First off, thanks for nothing. I picked up t-shirts some months back, priced them very generously, and what thanks do I get? Hardly any sales in a garage full of moths eating up my inventory. Well, nobody's going to buy them if they're being eaten by moths. If they had been buying them, which is what they were supposed to do, the moths would have gone hungry. But how did people know to buy them? but Angel told us about it but some time ago, and I think we brought that segment back recently. I think this is a marketing problem. Yeah, the market stinks. The market is stupid. They don't know to buy t-shirts that would turn their life around. All right.
00:06:57
Speaker
These t-shirts were pearls and none of the swine were biting, so I guess. So guess who's left holding in the bag? Well, not me. I'm passing the savings right on to my yoga students. For the next six months, everyone's membership just went up 50 bucks a month. No complaining. How do you feel about that, Jason? I'll grin my ah grit my teeth and bear it. Why? Because what price nirvana, Miss Elizabeth? He's a business. He's got to stay in business. And that's what you when you over-tax businesses, when you oppress them economically, they have no choice but to pass it on to the consumer. no Otherwise, it goes under. okay Nobody's oppressing Angel. It's basic economics. oh yeah that He made a bad decision. ah A garage full of t-shirts being eaten by moths is oppressive. it's It would weigh on me. It's mismanagement.
00:07:45
Speaker
It's a stupid, ill-informed market that makes bad choices and needs their heads corrected, which is why Angel is in business in the first place. ok Plus, I just did something cool to improve my in-studio classes. I hired this weird fiddle-playing guy. He wears this straw hat and ratty overalls and I totally talk to the guy and it's not an act. He's just a flat out weirdo and it's great. So I pay him peanuts and he's just standing there in the corner playing fiddle while the yoga class goes on. This kind of weird, kind of disorienting vibe the dude gives off is just what my classes need. I need the students thinking, who is this guy? Should I be keeping my eye on him? Is he supposed to be here? What the F is going on?
00:08:28
Speaker
So think of how I continually improve the quality of my yoga education offerings before you start whining to mama about me jacking up the price. Weird. He's totally weird, Miss Elizabeth. Frequently, ah he's screaming pretty loud. had a yeah angelless Angel is. It's a yoga class. and You're going to hear it from your yoga master. Loud. And the the fiddle playing, sometimes he gets quiet and and it's just kind of like a weird a background noise. I mean, it sounds it sounds like it's going to psychologically impact you for a long time to come.
00:09:05
Speaker
Well, I hope so because I'm paying a pretty penny for the privilege. You sure are. You know, he sometimes wanders around and you kind of like got to watch your six because you're not sure about this guy. like do like But he's never done anything wrong. No, no. He just gives off an intensely creepy vibe. Creepy. OK, so he's creepy and he's playing... Creepy and weird. He's playing a violin in a casual manner. Yeah, and you're not relaxed around him. So he's perfect for a yoga class. He keeps you frosty. OK. While I focus my education efforts in Smathen, there are plenty of psychologically misshapen miscreants who desperately need yoga big time, who live elsewhere.
00:09:40
Speaker
Generous generousness of spirit, Miss Elizabeth. So he's saying that there might be other people who live in other towns like the Tritown area. and beyond. Plenty of people need yoga. All right, true. That's why I agreed to do this internet yoga roundtable horse s thing last week. Talk about Nambi Pambi. Oof. I don't understand. So he's gone on the internet to talk about yoga, but he's not actually providing yoga services online. he's He joined a roundtable to talk, to allent his expertise and to hear from other yoga practitioners. So he's appeared on Skype.
00:10:14
Speaker
He appeared on a call, Ms. Elizabeth, where the yoga community was free to join. I don't know what platform it was on. all right Bunch of mealy-mouthed, mealy-mouthed losers, talking quietly, dragging yoga right into the mud. When they finally unmuted my mic, I tore a strip pretty much off everyone. I screamed myself hoarse, and when they muted me, I went straight to my next account. I joined that call with some of my well-developed fake internet personas, so about 68 of those supposed virtual audience members were actually me, so I got some pretty good screaming time in. This Elizabeth, he's prepared.
00:10:48
Speaker
Yeah, he knew he knew how that would be received. People don't want to hear the truth at high volume. So he knows how it's going to be received. Yeah, that's why he created. all That's why he utilized all those fake accounts. And when they booted him off the call, he just went right on to the next one. Why doesn't he learn? Why doesn't who Angel? Yes, his head's full to burst in with knowledge, Miss Elizabeth. And he's at pains to share it with us. So I don't learn from whom the people who don't want to hear the truth. Just learn to deliver his message in a way that doesn't get him cancelled 67 times. This is you being the change you want to see. Me? And yeah, this is of one person being the change they want to see. Okay. Yoga. High volume. Blistering brutality. Okay, it doesn't sound like yoga. It sounds like MMA.
00:11:40
Speaker
Right, so you have something to learn too, it sounds like. i So, I got some good screaming time in. I just moved to the next user as they booted the previous one. Haha, yoga triumphs in the end. I made the host of that stupid thing cry, which I should have received thanks for because such lily-livered nonsense shouldn't be tolerated by the yoga community, least of all from a self-proclaimed guru like that, Mr. Tibet Martin Green. Got news for you Marty. Got it tough enough if you want to host a roundtable. If just one of those losers I screamed at decides to turn their life around because of me, I'd say those 27 minutes were worth it. Boy, oh boy. He ruined that guy's night. And maybe his life.
00:12:20
Speaker
And maybe he fixed things. maybe he gave Maybe that was a bit of tough love. Maybe this Mr. mr Tibet, Marty Green, had the has ah yoga ass backwards. Well, I hope he's okay. is He's not a smiletonian, is he? He's like he's somebody from... He's an internet persona from parts on unknown. Okay. Poor guy. Poor guy? He's out there committing yoga malpractice. i yeah Being screamed at is the least that guy deserves. okay How many lives does Mr. Tibet ruined? I think he he might be helping people.
00:12:52
Speaker
Hunt's still on for the yoga girlfriend. I feel like you have something against yoga in general. What? Like actual yoga. i'm but so yeah i you You say things that stupefy me sometimes, but I am literally at a loss for words now. okay this whole effort How long have I been giving these messages from ah from Angel? i know How many years have I been enduring these punishing enduring these punishing classes that's all to save yoga, Miss Elizabeth? I'm the biggest yoga booster there is. Yoga's not in danger. yoga's not That's not what yoga is. And that's all thanks to me and Angel.
00:13:28
Speaker
Hunt's still on for the yoga girlfriend. My yoga student Jock has been scouting the dating scene and has been been has been bringing me pictures of some of the potential fillies who make it shown the way around the barnyard by yours truly. Yikes. Some weren't too bad, but as I told Jock, I need primo quality here. Creme de la primo. So, ladies, if you're listening to this, and it's getting you a little hot and bothered, come on down to the studio. Shower beforehand and wear something nice. Who knows, maybe you'll be the lucky lady. not happening with ah all of that terminology is making it not possible for somebody to date him. but Okay. First of all, not even going into the insulting parts, but insulting part, he shouldn't be calling his potential next girlfriend or partner that he wants to have a yoga girlfriend because, because a human is more than just the one thing that is his preoccupation in life. i' Huh? Yes.
00:14:31
Speaker
Again, you betray your yoga ignorance. Yeah, he's telling you right up front what he's looking for someone who is as committed to yoga as he is Okay, well good girl. I don't think he's going to find a yoga girlfriend who is also like a creme de la de la primo Philly who considers herself to self-select herself as a horse like woman a filly miss Elizabeth those are fillies are good and Yeah, well, fillies are all good. Hey, this this opportunity horses this opportunity ain't for you. That's fine. Miss Elizabeth live and let live. That's right. I'm not a available. I'm not part of whatever is the pool of opportunity there. Yeah, for sure. I'm not self selected out. I don't know any any women who are in that group.
00:15:16
Speaker
Well, the search has been i've never yet. There aren't any even with a man, even with a wingman like jock. Yeah. the These Phillies are keeping themselves hidden in the metal somewhere. Angel needs help getting his head on straight regarding how to find a partner. He can let me know. ah advice ah received and ignored. okay I told you that whole dopey saga before about getting sued by a weak, super former student, right? Well, I took steps to make sure that can't happen again. and Because he was abusive and the student stood up for himself.
00:15:50
Speaker
student was ah didn't know what yoga was, signed up for it, didn't like what he got, right and and decided to complain to the law, to involve Johnny Law. And won. Miss Elizabeth, I don't even remember what happened in that court. Oh yeah, he had to pay like a few hundred dollar fine or something like that. yeah Disgraceful, outrage, miscarriage, justice. I tried to block that from my memory, Miss Elizabeth, but this is Angel telling us right now that he's done something to make sure that fiasco ah remains in the past. Okay, so he has learned. I took steps to make sure that can't happen again and ha ha you should have seen this guy's face. Dude comes in for his first lesson. and As he's signing up I had Lillian attack him from behind. Little bit of surprise yoga grappling. Well in the fracas she took him down, slapped the ankle lock.
00:16:35
Speaker
on him and when you know it, the thing just popped. So he starts screaming about how he's going to sue and I go, but see how I got you to sign right at the top of the document and then you read the membership agreement? You already signed her right away to sue me so hobble on home and get up earlier next time if you want to trick this early bird ace. What's this thing about his ankle? Lillian slapped an ankle lock on him and just popped the thing. i don't understand His ankle is damaged now. He's got a severe ankle injury because of the ankle lock. And is the ankle lock still on his ankle?
00:17:08
Speaker
she It's a move, Miss Elizabeth. It's a grappling hold. She put her hands on the ankle. I see what you thought. It was like a like um and jail thing or something. No, no. it's ah it's a valid Again, yoga. So she broke his ankle. She broke his ankle, yes. It's yoga.
00:17:28
Speaker
ah You shouldn't be breaking things with yoga. You seem to know less about yoga as time goes on, Ms. Elizabeth. This segment is having the opposite effect. It's pushing whatever yoga knowledge you do have right out of your brain. Because i'm I am a student of yoga and I'm just ah i'm doing other things, not not Angel. Yeah, yeah. The student-age yoga thing is you think it's like a vest you just take on and off a willy-nilly. Pretty much is. Like you don't do yoga all day long. Again, you get it wrong. You do a bit of downward dog. It's got to be the way you live. Be careful with your twists, otherwise you can end up in the doctor's office. You're your misinformation here. Okay. You have miss, M-I-S-S. Miss, misinformation. Miss, information. So, as you can tell, things are hopping in yoga land, but there is work to be done.
00:18:13
Speaker
I need whoever is listening to this to join my yoga crusade admit you're ignorant that you don't know what you're doing that you're stuck in a ditch of your own making and need strong hands to take the steering wheel of your life and drive that stupid thing right to the freaking promised land. So if you're strong enough to want change come on down to my studio sign up and let me and my patented yoga method yoga 10x times a thousand get to work on you. I need others to join me in grabbing that yoga battering ram and blasting through the walls of ignorance. If I could do it myself, I would. But I can't, so frickin' help me. Namaste, you turds. Insulting. ah Call to action. He called us turds. Yeah? That's his catchphrase, Miss Elizabeth. It's funny because it's true. The yoga ignorant needs some self-improvement, and he's just reminding me of the fact. Okay. Well, I mean, I decline to consider myself to be a turd.
00:19:12
Speaker
I get you when you're the level yourself delusion when it comes to yoga is astounding and Until you admit until you admit the truth miss Elizabeth you're gonna struggle. I don't consider you to be a turd either Well, thank you. I've been working on it
00:19:31
Speaker
Let's reach on over.
Musical Interlude: 'Dirt Bike'
00:19:32
Speaker
It's music time. Let's hear from the Smile Syndicate or whoever else is on the Smileton radio. Let's reach on over. Tune it in. Let's go. Oh, I think I see what's coming on the digital display. Perfect for summer. Dirt bike. Let's go.
00:20:02
Speaker
Dirt bike, listen to my dirt bike Hear the music, dirt bike Looking good on dirt bike Hop a wheelie, dirt bike When I need to get around I'll just cruise into the town Dirt bike, I'm gonna use my dirt bike Dirt bike, I'm gonna use my dirt bike
00:20:47
Speaker
You gotta love my dirt bike, dirt bike You gotta love my dirt bike
00:21:33
Speaker
Grilling on my dirt bike, buried on my dirt bike, buried with my dirt bike. If you want to know the way down the road, you'll charge your day. On two wheels, you're in a groove. Guess it'll be time to move. Dirt bike, it's gotta be a dirt bike. Dirt bike, it's gotta be a dirt bike.
00:22:06
Speaker
Dirt bike by the Smiles Syndicate right here on Hello Smiles. I love that song. Rock and roll. Yeah. Hit hit the highway. Hit the highway. Yeah.
Chaotic Kayaking Adventure
00:22:15
Speaker
Well, we heard some dirt bikes the other night, didn't we, while we were kayaking. There were some dirt bikes going back and forth on that road. They were making such a racket, having so much fun. Those guys. I had such a bad time at that kayaking thing. Oh, did you? It was okay. dear I wasn't even going to tell this story, but very briefly the we we decided to be generous to the interns and take the whole Smile Syndicate HQ intern crew out kayaking ah on a very calm lake.
00:22:43
Speaker
Very gentle. Alberta evening. Lots of sun. It was hot. It was great. And the stumblebumps. You know, I try to get these guys to play street hockey. It's a fiasco. They were like the three stooges trying to get in the water, like tripping over kayaks, crashing kayaks into each other, sinking. It was like bumper kayaks out there. Somehow they managed to sink kayaks right in the middle of the lake. How do you even do that? I don't know. They're made of plastic. How do they sink? Bizarre. Skill. So lots of screaming from me, lots of laughing from Miss Elizabeth. It's funny though, because it was so, so shallow that there was rarely a time in that lake when you could actually sink your kayak. And yet they found a way. They did. So no more, no more social activities here at Smiles Syndicate HQ. It's got to be the salt mine. We got to take that attitude. It's nothing but work, nothing but grind. No more fun. No more fun. That'll snap some sensitive interns. Well, I'm filling the calendar with some more fun, but I'll just surprise. I'll just
00:23:39
Speaker
Do what you want miss Elizabeth apparently my sound advice just is like hollering down an empty well I like watching you come around to fun in the middle of an activity like I was so I was so busy screaming at everybody I barely had time to consider that I was having fun in retrospect the screaming was fun. Yeah, so one way or another I figure it out you did Smilton. Lots of
Community Reactions and Messages
00:24:01
Speaker
people. Lots of podcasts. Why can't they leave ours alone? I don't know. They feel the need to bombard us with messages on a community message board. Right, it's because we're like the central hub for messaging. Yes. From the community. Yeah, unfortunately that's true. Alright.
00:24:17
Speaker
but Let's present messages from the populace. Miss Elizabeth, why don't you kick us off? Yeah, I'll get started. So the first message is, we need volunteers. The Smilton Death Metal Festival has been a roaring success so far, but our many tents, which we have lost, Jason, are filled to capacity with death metal revelers who aren't staying hydrated. The face paint and cloaks we wear definitely makes being out in this summer heat all day a challenge, but we can do ourselves a favor by finding some shade and having a sip or three of some tasty water. Do this frequently. This is a reminder to yeah drink water.
00:24:58
Speaker
and the straw hats our gracious host Jorg has been handing out to all festival attendees can also keep the blasted sun from touching our crypt tinged fleshy shell. Seriously though folks drink some water I'm sick of dealing with all of the throw up for Maureen mailbox 5 5 9 8. Remember my point earlier in the show about death metal being okay for eight year olds but then once you're beyond that You need to remember to drink when we're heading into a heatwave. A bunch of people playing dress-em-ups out in the heat, not considering sunstroke, throwing up all over the place, not drinking like little kids. There is a bit of sunstroke, yeah, there is some sunstroke, especially for the elderly death metal revelers.
00:25:40
Speaker
out there. You need to make sure you are drinking plenty of fluids and getting those electrolytes down. Oh, brother. Yeah. like And don't forget, like almost a third of the of the death metal festival is underground. Go to go there. You don't have to be out in the sun. Come out at night. Go down under under in the crypt earth. The crypt encrypt. Yeah. Elizabeth, you're can do with nothing else. I am. I appreciate you trying to solve a problem, but I submit there is a simpler solution. Surely. Well, sunscreen and hydration. Take the cloak off, throw the clogs in the bog, burn your straw hat, turn your back on death metal forever, and put this death metal festival out of business. You go too far. I'm just trying to protect people's health, which they clearly need. yoy Yo yo, bop bop, crunchy on the munchy, T-Bone. Tee hee hee, proper. Prank Squad X. What's happening?
00:26:40
Speaker
Prank Squad X checking in with another message, Miss Elizabeth, or didn't you hear me? Prank Squad X, or as my boy Colt says, PSX Incorporated, checking in with another Prank-a-Spank promise. We got these death metal peeps all over the places and a they all just be begging to be pranked. So Prank Squad X, or as my boy Colt says, Prank PSX Crew Incorporated, is announcing all premier style that some A-level pranking is going to be spanking on the Prank Crank Zoom.
00:27:15
Speaker
That's a twisty sentence even for this guy. Yeah, I don't get it. I think he's promising that a huge prank is going to be hit in the death metal festival. Oh, okay. Deets for the lates. But for now, just think about your boy's stealing identities, a bunch of trained chimps, and fart spray. and Okay, sounds harmless. The Smilton Death Metal Festival is now officially going to be lit once Prank Squad X or as my boy Colt says PSX Posse Incorporated gets to Wizzerk, Mr. Henderson's grade 5 class for life. Later Broski, Skylar mailbox 10099.
00:27:51
Speaker
Well, he's still Mr. Henderson's grade five class for life. They're kids, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. yeah You underestimate their pranking ability. And if you... I don't. They're highly capable individuals. He just announced that something huge is going to go down involving stolen identities, chimps and yeah fart spray. And you're like, oh, cute. It's going to rock the festival to its foundations. I mean, the festival wants to rock to its foundations. If it... don't don yeah Don't you... ah the What's that word? Appropriate. We're talking about death metal. It's death metal. Bring it. wow Okay, I'm popping the popcorn because Miss Elizabeth is standing to find against Prank Squad X and many adults have tried and those diabolical kids always find a way to be just a prank and be the victor and you and you will sit back in the wreckage and marvel at the diabolical cleverness of it all. We'll see. Okay. You adelpated bunglers.
00:28:47
Speaker
starts this next message. I like that. I like it. You scorn and scoff at what you need most and what hath your ignorance wrought? A sky full of madness, hot air balloons, deafening noise. And oh, this is a complainer. Uh-huh. You know what? Write this down and put it in the complaint box. well We'll deal with it in August. Okay. And only a dim memory of what our great sun once looked like. s Smileton does not deserve to suffer in the dark while the hot air ballooning elite owns the skies. Okay, I think I knew who this is.
00:29:23
Speaker
Okay. Here, here. It's time for me to step out of the shadows and assert my right to the sky throne once more.
Sky King's Call to Action
00:29:31
Speaker
Yes, it is I, your Sky King, calling on all those loyal to the crown to take up your pellet guns and rid the skies of the lighter than air scourge. Yes. The Sky King commands it. Rise, Smilton, rise! From Terence Z, mailbox 1506. This a savior we needed. Did you like my my interpretation, my reading? Seemed like a little bit of mockery was creeping in there. I feel like that's how he sounds though.
00:30:03
Speaker
You don't even know what Terrence Zed sounds like. There's no king in s Smileton. There is a sky king in the in the end but in the town at a golden age when he ruled from above. There's a summer ball a sky bully ah sky bullly with little pellet guns. That's it. When he took down all the other hot air balloons and ruled us from above in his pirate ship-shaped balloon, because that was a golden age for the town, Miss Elizabeth. Your memory is playing tricks on you. It's not very nice to shoot down people's air balloons. It's not very nice for people to hog the sun. But we don't hog it. We don't hog it. Take it away from the service dwellers. Come on up and join us. That's what I always say. The balloons blot out the sun. There are way too many. They don't. Plus, they've got speakers hanging from them. They're deafening everybody. So it's a full sensory assault. Because they're providing death metal to the entire town. At all times. I'm reporting for duty. That's all I'm saying.
00:30:54
Speaker
Okay, well, may I recommend that you do not, and keep away from my balloon when I'm up there, you know which balloon is mine, and if you shoot it down, I'm gonna be... miffed. Miss Elizabeth's balloon is a giant head of herself. It's her own head in a hot air balloon form. I didn't get it made, it was made for me, and provided to me, and I appreciate it. It's disturbing. And there's many of those heads floating around. There are quite a few. And when we get together, it's like we're talking. just as And sometimes when we play the music together, it sounds it's almost like we're getting together, singing death metal together. and then And then the little song is going to get updated as people's faces start slowly collapsing, as the balloon gently makes its way back down to earth where it belongs. Unfortunately, that has not started happening yet. We're going to have to have some kind of reprisal if that starts happening. We'll see. We'll see. okay Ladies, listen up. I'm coming at you with a unique opportunity to sample some of the finest examples of gentle minitude Smilton has to offer. this is again Again, is this Angel? Because this is very like Angel talking about fillies. Patience! Saying ladies like that, yeah it gets my hackles up. Are you listening up? My hackles are up. Are you
Jock's Search for Companionship
00:32:00
Speaker
listening up? Okay.
00:32:01
Speaker
This is Jock, noted Smilton Ladies man, and I'm here to announce my availability to all fine ladies. Also, my yoga instructor Angel needs some companionship, so I told him I could cast my net wide enough to catch two big fish for us, and we can figure out who gets whom later. Okay, these two should just date each other and leave the ladies out of it. Their tastes run towards the ladies, Miss Elizabeth, so that wouldn't make sense. But the ladies do not. The equation doesn't work out there. So ladies, if you're looking for a guy who's more exciting than a roller coaster and you think you can survive the ride, send me some photos. No baggy clothes. I need to know what's going... I need to know what I'm getting into here. And send some pics of your friends along because Angel needs a lady too, so I need a good pool of talent from which I will make my romantic selections. Seriously, lady, this kind of opportunity is rare, so if you think you'd make the cut, step on up. Jock mailbox 12060. Alright, my sympathies to the ladies.
00:32:58
Speaker
Yeah, it's too bad there can only be two winners. And there's gonna be a lot of disappointed lady folk in this town. Alright. Jock, you gotta envy that, Ms. Elizabeth. The confidence. The self-confidence to know your own self-worth and just put yourself out there like that and just say, hey ladies, you gotta keep up with this roller coaster. You can envy the self-confidence. The self-confidence is great. However, it's not going to attract a lady. why not Why not Miss Elizabeth? Because it's insulting. and so is It's insulting. I must have everything backwards then. This is sounding like just laying your cards on the table. You're getting started. There are some things backwards in your head.
00:33:36
Speaker
For sure. okay well again On second thought, I think you're wrong. Okay. Okay. I have another message. I'm a visitor here and I am in your delightful town for the festival. Welcome, friend. Get lost.
Festival Love Story
00:33:50
Speaker
okay Start a festival in your own town and leave leave us alone. I'm hoping that a listener here could make me help me make a connection for UC. Okay. This person is speaking a little bit in a lilted way. I have to get into the writing. Okay. My heart was stolen by a lady who was dressed as morpho, the most iridescent of all butterflies. I think I did see a butterfly or two around in the festival. Did you? Mm hmm. Neat. A more wondrous sight has not been beheld. You know what? This is like a comparison with the previous message from Jock, who also was looking for a lady. But this one is taking a different tack. Let's just say that.
00:34:33
Speaker
Yeah, he's he's all over the place. hey A more wondrous sight has not been beheld. This death metal beauty has bewitched me, not with a crazed cannibal curse screeched through a flesh filled maw in an unknown tongue, but with the perfection of her wings and antennae. How lovely, see, delightful, not insulting at all. I've only seen one butterfly at the festival. ah Oh, because I've seen a few. OK, so I've only seen one butterfly at the festival, so if any one of you know who she is or if you are the lady herself, please reach out to me at the mailbox that follows. My heart belongs to you, my dear butterfly. I must catch you lest you fly away with it from Ernesto True Romantic Ernesto mailbox 29 049.
00:35:26
Speaker
Get the help you need Ernesto, you got a screw loose, you got three screws loose from the sound of it. There's a few butterflies out there who may answer this ad. This woman whoever she is dressed up as morpho, the most iridescent of all butterflies, at least you got you gotta to give her credit by the way for announcing her instability. She's showing the world she's got a screw loose. but totally Approach with caution. She's the most iridescent. She's a nut job. And if Ernesto is a nut job, maybe they'll get on together. I'm not going to stand in the way of true love, Miss Elizabeth. I don't care who we're talking about. Good. That's good to hear. But um I will snicker about it. OK, well, I think that there might be a few butterflies out there and they are all so beautiful. They are so sparkly and dark at the same time.
00:36:11
Speaker
Yeah. i They're darkly sparkly. it This is Miss Elizabeth. I think that could be a band name also. yeah there There are dumber band names. This guy needs help. and And if Death Metal is nothing but enabling this kind of feeble-witted silliness, So, the guy needs help. He's being ignored. He's being romantic. This has been a the cry for help and maybe I'll discreetly reach out to him via the mailbox and offers just ah ah some un-chosen counseling. okay Because he needs to talk into this guy. right What in the F is up?
Rock Fan's Rant and Music Promotion
00:36:51
Speaker
Rock travelers of Smoughton, listen up. We've been invaded by poser losers and even though they have guitars, not one of them rocks.
00:36:58
Speaker
it's like having invasion of the effing body snatchers and one day you're sitting there thinking your buddy is into rock and is basically cool and the next he's showing up wearing face paint and wearing a cloak and you're all what the eff dude what happened to rock and then you realize you don't need to talk to them anymore because they're basically plants who look like your rock loving buddy but there's no rock love in a face painted like that hmm So we rock warriors have to stick together, crank our amps, and show what real power guitars can deliver when they play music that is real and not loser poser graveyard monster mash S. Stay true to rock. lance does This is from Lance. And Lance does not like death metal. I don't know who it's from. I haven't got to the end of the message yet. Well, if a message starts with what the F is up, I can almost guess that it's probably Lance.
00:37:43
Speaker
Lance is a cultural figure and there are many fans who imitate his manner of speech. Okay, I guess we'll find out. Stay true to rock and do that by going to my favorite guitar store, Musique by Lance. Is he pretending not to be Lance? I don't think this is Lance. And ignore that grocery-stealing, scooter-driving, vest-weary... Okay, this is Lance. That's enough. um I don't know what makes you say that. It's Slander to be talking about his competitor in this way. His competition is not stealing groceries. His competition is wiping the floor with him in a real way ah in the market. Well, that makes me laugh. What an untrue statement. And this is the voice of the community, Miss Elizabeth. That's what this whole segment is about. And I think we got to listen up here. OK.
00:38:26
Speaker
and ignore that grocery stealing scooter driving vest wearing goof Mitch Winchell. His guitar store couldn't sell rock to effing Molly Hatchet so you gotta know just what from that just what a loser he is. I had a burger at his burger experience once and both my dad and me got the effing scoots for like weeks. Avoid food poisoning, avoid the death metal festival, and come to music by Lance, Smilton's best effing source for the weapons of rock and Smilton. I should start selling burgers just to spite that guy because I could barbecue a turd and make it taste better than the burgers that guy sells. Peace out, the Guitar Man mailbox 2345. There's too much tur mentioned turd, mentioned turds in this episode of our show. Okay, well I'm not editing one word of it, missles. I don't like it. That's just the way it worked out today. Why would you barbecue a turd?
00:39:13
Speaker
You wouldn't, but he could, and he could make it taste better than a burger from Mitch Winchell's burger experience. That's what this guy, the guitar man, whoever he is, is claiming. Who would even think of that? This is why I don't trust him with anything. What do you mean, who would think of it? It's a very dismissive way to talk about someone else's food. Oh, it is dismissive. That's true. That's a smile to me. In my head now, though. Now I'm thinking about that. Hey, maybe, and if it keeps you away from this going to Mitch Winchell's Burger Experience, mission accomplished. Exactly. That's the association you need to have at that place.
00:39:47
Speaker
S'mount and community message board
Episode Wrap-Up
00:39:49
Speaker
done and dusted for another day. Yeah. I'm sure the messages will keep piling up and we'll have to come back to this segment in the very near future. Yeah. In the meantime, let's listen to a song by the Smile Syndicate. Just, uh, how about one with just acoustic guitar and just voice? Yeah. The Sun is a Jukebox 2000. Let's listen.
00:40:15
Speaker
Bigger than a radio Louder than a TV Radiating music just for you and me Songs streaming down We've got it made Toss away the big hat and get out
00:40:41
Speaker
The sun is a jukebox Look up to the sky and listen The sun is a jukebox Now you'll hear what you've been missing
00:41:02
Speaker
music gently lifts you higher than the moon no clouds around sunshine and bright see the people dancing there out of sound
00:41:22
Speaker
The sun is a jukebox Look up to the sky and listen The sun is a jukebox Now you'll hear what you've been missing
00:41:50
Speaker
Our old son. He's a jukebox.
00:42:00
Speaker
A nickel isn't what you need to make the music play. The fiery fusion furnace plays the hits of the sunset is here.
00:42:22
Speaker
through the night. The sun is a jukebox. Look up to the sky and listen. The sun is a jukebox. Now you'll hear what you've been missing. The sun is a jukebox. Look up to the sky and listen. The sun is a jukebox. Now you'll hear what you've been missing. The Sun is a Jukebox 2000 by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hellos Mountain. Yeah, it keeps you up and happy even though it is not death metal. it's Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. i yeah It is possible to achieve something worthwhile music-wise without it being death metal. I agree with you. In July. That's right. That's right. yeah Dear listener friend, this festival trundles on, yet this show must continue.
00:43:16
Speaker
I think we're going to be back next week. I think that's a pretty safe bet. We're going to be bringing you more fun. That's for sure. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word. Make a difference for once. So it's a bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is the jukebox.