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We Want To Fly Like Ghouls Through The Air
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The summer heat has probably got ya hunkered down with a wet tea towel on your head. So, since you're too hot and tired to do anything else, why not check out this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON?
Miss Elizabeth and Jason are live to tape and in color and ready to deliver the best comedy and original music Smileton has to offer.
In today's extravaganza, we'll revisit a classic SMILETON POLICE BLOTTER to learn about what Smileton's finest have been up to on those mean streets. And Jason, accepting the previously unwanted presence of the Smileton Death Metal Festival, delights us all with DEATH METAL SHOUT OUTS. Jason's come around on Death Metal? Listen and see!
And in a vintage segment from days gone by, the show is interrupted by an impassioned warning from the Smileton Pneumatic Tube and our plucky hosts keep on truckin' right on into MISS ELIZABETH'S PODCAST CATCH UP. Hear what other shows Smileton's busiest podcaster gets up to makin' when she's not making this show!
And the music part of the equation is ably filled by two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE. Hum along, tap your toes or just flat out bust some moves – the choice is yours.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show timestamps:
3:23 Smileton Police Blotter/Jason's Death Metal Shout Outs (from July 17, 2023)
25:08 SONG – Mr. Blue Hullabaloo
29:00 Pneumatic Tube / Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Catch Up (from January 30, 2023)
48:08 SONG – Walk The Rock Walk
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Transcript
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smiles, and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I am ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. You thought you had caught me off guard, but here I am, ready to go. I wouldn't do such a thing, Miss Elizabeth. I'm having difficulty today sitting comfortably. Are you? Is it that wallet? I told you that wallet was a bit too big. Miss Elizabeth, don't worry about my wallet. It's big, it's full. No, I... Okay, before I get into the story, dear listener friend, thanks so much. I think you might be sitting on... Are you like the princess in the piece? No, I'm not sitting on anything. A wallet? I'm sitting... is sitting within a shattered body.
00:00:47
Speaker
Huh. I'll tell you all about it in two seconds. First off, though. Shattered body? Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. You look fine from here. i Miss Elizabeth, trust me, I'm a wreck. This, this cockamamie death metal festival that's been going on. Oh, that's crazy. For this whole month. yeah It's not only has it afflicted my hearing, afflicted my soul, it's afflicted my physical body. And dear listener friend, if I sound strained, if I sound ill-equipped to deliver the goods on today's episode, you're sounding mistaken. and I will still do my best to do my podcasting duty. yeah But I feel compelled before we get underway here to tell you what happened because it explains the level of discomfort I'm currently in.
00:01:31
Speaker
Okay, let's have it. I got a bunch of stuff crammed in my ears. Okay. I'm trying to reduce the sound of the death metal festival from pummeling my inner brain. Okay, so that was the wrong choice. Right choice. It's been doing me fine up until now. But it also means it's reduced my ability to hear other things, non-death metal festival related things, things like sirens and traffic and that kind of stuff. So yes, I was inattentive briefly and I stepped off the sidewalk right into the path of a golf cart.
00:02:07
Speaker
And those ne'er-do-well death metal festival attendees are whipping around town in golf carts? I don't know why. They're cloaks flowing freely in the wind. Well, it's a lot of fun. Yeah, but again, fun. Ignore the wreckage. And you and the wreckage is before you, Miss Elizabeth. i'm I'm part of that wreckage that you so callously ignore. As death meddlers, sometimes what we want to do is fly through the through the air. We want to fly like ghouls through the air. Unbidden night spirits. But of course we can't actually fly, so the way that we achieve this in Smiles in any way is with golf carts. It's a golf cart, okay. Playtime. And I'm the one who suffers for it, so I hope i hope you're having your fun. I'm a shattered mess. Sorry, why are you suffering? Did you get hit by a golf cart? I told you, I got hit by a golf cart. hit by a golf cart. Yeah. Did you see it coming? What kind of question is that? If I'd seen it coming, I would have leapt nimbly out of the way. I'm not sure. I had my ears crammed with stuff and I was in the tent. If I stepped off the curb and whammo.
00:03:13
Speaker
Golf cart. You couldn't hear. You couldn't see. Irresponsible. I could see. It's like you're just blind crossing the road. Okay. You know what? Forget it. I'm sorry. I even brought it up. You know what? I'm fine. We'll get through this show. No problem. Especially since we're going to be looking back on sunnier days for this show, we're going to be investigating a long illustrious archive of the show and bringing back a couple of classic segments to listen to. And if you don't mind, because of my shattered physical state, I should be the one to do the picking this time. OK, if you don't mind. If I may be so bold, do what you need to do. Make yourself feel good. ah yeah Exactly. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. So if you're a listener friend, I hope you're ready to hear something from last year, an older episode of Hello, Smilton. This is, of course, an episode, an edition of the Smilton police blotter coupled with
00:04:00
Speaker
or something called Jason's death metal shout outs. What could that be? ok It must be something that happened during last year's festival. This ah originally aired as part of episode 41 of Hello, Smilton, which was broadcast out into the world on July 17th, 2023, as part of an episode called I Am Cool. I will end up on posters. Let's listen. And Ms. Elizabeth, you know, it's July. And I haven't complained about it yet, and we're ah almost five ah four minutes into the show. yeah Can you believe that I haven't said one word about the Smiles and Death Metal festival? I know, and it's been so much fun lately. I've really gotten into character. I'm all i i'm not horse now, but I have been horse. I've been really cookie monster-ing it up all week long. like I can really imagine Miss Elizabeth into character, fully into character with that gravelly voice, you know? Yeah. Oh, Miss Elizabeth. I know all about it. And I'm just checking my temper right now because fun. We we mentioned resolutions and I made another one. I resolved to stop fighting. Oh, I resolved to embrace the death metal festival. All the other citizens thinks it's it's a great thing to do. And I'm going to say I'm just going to I'm going to turn it around. I'm going to turn the beat around. hey well i'm goingnna take another life i'm I'm looking at life from both sides now and I've decided to change my course, at least for this month, and I'll give death metal a chance. How about that? That's great. Why don't you say the phrase, I'll give death metal a chance, in a Cookie Monster voice? No, I can't do that. I'm just with a spaghetti, precludes it.
00:05:30
Speaker
okay so I'm gonna say that I'm gonna make this real and I'm gonna do some death metal shoutouts Jason's own death metal shoutouts later on in the show Nope nothing like that. But first mean streets of Smilton full of activity Some of it of Nerda Wells. The police are busy. They hop in those dune buggies and and they gotta respond to the call. Ms. Elizabeth has collected some of the juicier items. She's pulled off the old police scanner. The most interesting ones. She's gonna present them here in the latest Smiles and Police Blotter.
00:06:08
Speaker
Friday, 8.53 p.m., police responded to a popular restaurant after reports that a self-styled internet influencer was causing a disruption to what should have been a casual yet refined burger eating experience at the Mitch Winchell Burger Experience restaurants. Yep. Officers arrived to find local man Lance Brock, clutching his stomach and yelling loudly that he had been food poisoned. Not the first time we've heard this, Jason. Yes, it's a disgrace. And that he regretted ever taking one bite of Mitch Winchell's food. Oh, the poor guy.
00:06:45
Speaker
Poor guy, indeed. Wait until you hear what happens. Witnesses state that the man began accusing owner Mitch Winchell, a friend of mine, I must say, i know who'd been happily flipping burgers before the unfortunate incident began, of being a loser, a poser, and a loser-poser, and of serving food that, quote, didn't rock at all. He checks all the boxes. Lance has got him dead to rights. insulting. Police warmed up their tasers as Brock began to loudly dictate his will to all those assembled and got to work before diners learned who would inherit the dilapidated music by Lance Music Store. Oh, Miss Elizabeth dilapidated. No, no editorializing. Surely not. This is a police report. It is not factually accurate. Miss Elizabeth Woodall. Heartbreaking story the man is just trying to live his life. He gave his enemy a chance Similarly to what the chance I'm given death metal is and what happened? He got bit in the keister by a bad burger Did get bitten abuse in the keister by a by a good taser and you haven't heard the end of the story Brock was taken into custody and later released when tests
00:07:51
Speaker
Scientific tests, Jason, revealed that he had a belly full of delicious food and not, in fact, poison. Oh, Miss Lisbeth, there was some kind of a foghorn. Exactly. That's the sound I want to hear when such a grotesque, Okay. This carriage of justice happens. I have to point out earlier in that story, Lancebrock had insisted that he had not had one bite, what that he regretted having one bite, but he didn't have only one bite. He had a full meal and then he began to make an uproar. Well, Miss Elizabeth. i think he was skipping on on his bill whodos to mitch winchell that's editorial like i know
00:08:26
Speaker
yeah i think what happened there is that the slow acting poison that mitch or or just the rotten meat takes time mitch winchell counts on that so that you end up home maybe have some munchies or some of some little treats and then you can't quite put together where you got sick from and he scuttles away turtle in the dark. That's not what happened there. I'm sure that I that meal held him fast think he was skipping out on all the way through his stay in the new scowl. No, there's funny business here. his bill. I'm sure That's editorializing. some money changed hands. Mitch Winchell skirting justice once again. And Miss Elizabeth, you brought a scandal to light and I got to thank you for it. All right, you are. Going to get better, Lance.
00:09:01
Speaker
Intractable Thursday, 11.22 p.m., the Eastern Shore neighborhood had their nighttime entertainment interrupted when officers swarmed an outdoor hockey rink to break up what appeared to be a human a rodeo ring. Holy! Neighbors complained of excessive noise that got progressively louder as the night progressed. Officers arrived on the scene to find large, burly men dressed up as bulls, horses, and unicorns. There should never be more than one unicorn, Jason. It was sounding good up until that point. Feverishly trying to buck off the rowdy cowboys and cowgirls who were bucking Broncos who embody the most dangerous of foe, man.
00:09:46
Speaker
Indeed. While officers had intended to merely issue a warning to event organizers, Bennett Sharp, one of the men dressed as a unicorn, decided to take a swing at one of the cops. Oh my goodness, that's a bad idea. Indeed Jason, as Tasers lit up the nighttime sky as Sharp was brought low and hauled off to cool his unicorn heels in the Huskau. Unicorn heels. Well, the guy obviously has bad judgment to start with. Why is he dressing? You could dress up as a bull. Why do you want to dress up as a unicorn? Well, unicorns are cool. Oh, stop. They are cool. There should never be more than one and two men in the unicorn outfit. One is too many, Miss Elizabeth. kind of
00:10:25
Speaker
Yeah, it's a problem. Police remained on the scene to enjoy the rest of the competition with some of them donning horse costumes themselves because some of those people had had to leave so that police took their place. ah this Silly behavior. Who's watching the watchers? A little bit of fun there. Make sure you buy tickets to the Smiles and Human Rodeo if you're up for some high energy and earthy oh fun. Talk about unpaid advertisement. You're throwing a little promotion for this thing. I bet you're you're involved in this somehow. Like, Miss Elizabeth on paper, it sounds delightful. A person dressed up as a bull, or two people dressed up as a bull trying to throw off one of their townspeople, one of their neighbors. So you were not dressed up as a bull? I'm Miss Elizabeth, but when- What about a horse? I think you would be either the head or the tail part of a horse. Oh, I wouldn't be the middle. But you might be the tail part. Wednesday.
00:11:22
Speaker
in the state, 1109 a.m. Just keep on rolling. It was a tense scene at the Smiles and First National Bank as officers arrived on the scene to what appeared to be a hostage situation in the bank. Holy, yeah this is an actual crime that's going on and you're reporting on it. Will wonders and and and and never cease. Wonders may never cease. After establishing a perimeter and communications with the robbers, police soon realized they were dealing with okay a local historical enactment society who were in the middle of reenacting get this jason al patino's 1975 film dog day afternoon oh you gotta to be kidding i am not getting excitement soon replaced relief as officers eagerly joined in as they were already in costume yeah on the painstakingly accurate recreation okay miss elizabeth but what a red the cops are joining in and and again they get called
00:12:21
Speaker
to a robbery in progress. they They learned that it's just a bunch of pretend and the and they say, eh, sounds fun. That's right. There was nothing else going on at that moment in Smiles. And so they joined in and, uh, you know, provided extra costumes and expertise oh and a good time was had by all realism to that situation as the hours passed. Police officers, bank robbers and hostages alike all had a grand old time bringing a Hollywood hit from days gone by back before our very eyes. Dog day afternoon? More like fun day afternoon am I right Jason? You're not right Miss Elizabeth but this is this is grotesque. Somebody could have gotten hurt. I don't know if the people in the bank were privy to this reenactment because it was a real bank. They burst into and started yelling It was a real bank, and there were real people in the bank, which is what made it such a great, accurate, historical reenactment. Oh, gritty, gritty, Miss Elizabeth. The people were faring fearing for their lives. A good time was had by all. Once again, i you did you don't mention them by name, but I'm going to just take a flying leap here and presuppose that the culprits were the ne'er-do-wells in the Spanish Civil War reenactment society. Yes, I was a part of it. That's yeah correct. you were part of this? Yes, of course I was. I'm part of the historical reenactment. Can I can i just make a request? ah A humble request of you, Ms. Elizabeth? We take a request. What kind of movie would you like us to reenact? No movies. No more mission creep. oh Go back to the beginning. Reenact the beginning of the Spanish Civil War. yeah Pick a real battle that happened. Actually learn something about it. I think you guys realized you were in over your heads. You didn't have a solid grounding in Spanish history, so you decided to do something easy. okay
00:13:59
Speaker
You're hitting a little too close to the bone there, because we are in the middle of one of the volumes of the Spanish history that we do need to learn properly before we can really get into this. So in the meantime, we are experts. Just leave us alone in the meantime. We're experts at the Ghostbusters movie, and we're experts at Helm's Deep, and we're experts at... You did Ghostbusters. At Hoth, the Battle of Hoth. Surely you can get another hobby. We can get other hobbies, but we like this one. but know That's all that matters. It's, well, it's one of the things that matters and another thing that matters is that the law never sleeps. Crime never sleeps. You know what else never sleeps, Jason? No, no. The Smilesons, a police blocker. Oh! Elizabeth, thank you, I guess. Ridiculous update, the cops are in this town are way too keen to just join in on the fun. It's almost like there's no actual crime in this town.
00:14:55
Speaker
Well, there's not much crime, but the police are very active. Yeah, they get out there really quick and then they realize a good time is going on and they just join in. They provide a great, great physical support, good costuming, excellent chorus. They've got really strong bass. Oh, it seems like I'm the only one not having fun in this town. Oh, actually, I mean, ah ah check that. I'm having nothing but fun. i know because death With the Death Metal Festival, yeah all my complaining, all the years prior when I was ah cursing this Death Metal Festival as being a plague upon our town, brought to us by locusts from from around the world.
00:15:31
Speaker
two two million ah People, good friends of ours, flying into town, not clogging the airport at all, not preventing the escape of anyone who doesn't ah care for Death Metal, none of that anymore. Careful Jason, your kindness is starting to show through. Oh yeah, yeah Miss Elizabeth, I just got to say, i got to deal i met wow I met some people. New Death Metal friends of mine, and I'm just going to do some Death Metal shout-outs here. Amazing, well congratulations, you have made some friends. I did, and i want to i want to I hope they're all listening. I really hope you're listening, my friends, as as I give you some shout outs here. ah So let's kick it off with that to those three goofs who are wearing capes over their cloaks. Get a life. How's that for a shout out? Wait a minute. this
00:16:14
Speaker
Wow, that didn't take long you at all. Miss Elizabeth, I'm Wylie. I played a joke on you there. I played a trick. i should known but oh I'm chuckling gently to myself. The happy expression on your face meant something different for this segment. I i now realize what makes me happy. I'm just going to lean into this because the joy is filling my heart once again. Take it easy. so Uh, these three narrative wells where it were in the Smilton food court in the Smilton mall. And we, uh, those three goofs and I walk up to good time taco at the same time. And we get into a bit of a scuffle about who's who got there first, who's going to place their order for delicious taco first. Like the three Stooges making it their way through a doorway. Exactly like that. Okay.
00:16:59
Speaker
Voices got raised and then and then the kicker they threatened me with an endless goat summoning Oh, I don't know what that is They threatened to put an endless goat summoning on me and I said bring it you creeps Wow, you don't want an endless goat I mean yeah like sometimes the goat summonings alright if you need a goat but an endless goat summoning That's a bit of a problem. I think it's made up nonsense. So I just fell I said feel free boys Bring it on bring on the goats. I don't care. I endless supply of them. I don't know. And and so the idiot dressed up as a horse? ah Examine your life choices.
00:17:33
Speaker
Well, I think his life choice was to be a part of that thing. The rodeo? yeah Well, i don't not in this case. there was Again, this town is going crazy. Well, there's a lot of horse costumes around. what Yes, because this one was pulling a handsome handsome cab around town ok with a couple death metal ne'er-do-wells in the back. ah you Making it an extra buck. Yeah, he was turning right, didn't see me step off the curb because I'm a pedestrian, I have the right-of-way. A little bit of a collision there, voices got raised. I started scuffling with a horse, Miss Elizabeth, or at least the guy dressed up as a horse. You fought with a man dressed as a horse? Well, okay, yes. I mean, he's got hooves. The end of the story is, yes, I did, Miss Elizabeth. But certainly I noticed that the couple in the handsome cab were definitely delighted. So, yeah, we're ridiculous, Miss Elizabeth. When I see it, I got to call it out. And as I'm dodging horse hooves, I just look over at the couple and I'm like, really?
00:18:26
Speaker
You see what's happening here. You see what a fantastically farcical situation I'm involved in. if i and and yourre and You're fighting a horse. I'm fighting a horse. It's hilarious. And you think this is funny and you just please this punch sitting there. It is funny. So that's the shadow. gay Just gay to take a look in the mirror. So that would be to the quote idiot dressed as a horse pulling a carrot. And also the couple. ah There's a lot of there's a lot of condemnation to go around here. Was it a death metal horse? Cuz I feel like these should be death metal shout-outs regular I don't know miss Elizabeth. I yeah it was coming at me hard. I did I didn't stop to take a picture I hope these are all death metal shout-outs. Okay. Well, yeah. Okay. This segment is called Jason's death metal shout-outs better believe I'm on theme. Okay
00:19:07
Speaker
to the dimwit, managing smiles and drugs, manage your stock better. okay Because this is terrible. i was and So as you mentioned earlier in the show, I'm being assaulted by Cookie Monster everywhere. Excuse me. Pardon me? like No, Miss Elizabeth, shush, because you're making my ears hurt already. They were hurting then. So that's why I went to get earplugs. And it turns out the 2 million people, the 2 million locusts who have descended on us had the same idea, completely sold out of earplugs. You can't, yeah yeah yeah for all the tea yeah yeah around the world, you can't get a pair of earplugs. That's right. So I just, big the guy's saying, sorry, man. Sorry, no sorry, sorry. So I just, I i was desperate. So I go, do you know who I am? And the guy goes, yeah.
00:19:52
Speaker
And I had nothing. okay elizabeth I made a fool of myself on top of everything else. Okay, so what you need is some kind of- You wouldn't budge. You need, well, because he doesn't have the supply. I mean, you're not going to fight reality by invoking who you are. I thought I would kind of get i'd kind of get my jollies off doing this segment, kind of pleasing myself. ah with some jollity and just getting myself revved up in anger. This isn't making me happy at all. I'm just bringing back bad memories of being living for this death metal festival. You are. You are. You're reliving bad things because you definitely do need some earplugs. I would even say, even though I love death metal and all concerts, you do need earplugs because they turn those amps up so loud. They turn them up to 11. Miss Elizabeth, you're telling me it's deafening for a month. It is deafening, yeah. So you do need something in your ears, but you know you can use other things. I recommend some food stuffs, like mushrooms. I'm not sticking food in my ears. Take a small cap of a mushroom, stick that in your ear. It's got a stem, you can easily pull it out and they're replaceable and they're organic.
00:20:51
Speaker
You've given me dubious advice before, Miss Lisbeth, but this is in the top seven for sure. Mushrooms? Mushrooms in the ear? Terrible. Oh, no all i Miss Lisbeth, I've got one more and happy. Oh, the clouds are parting. okay This one's a good one. All right. This is just a feel good story. I can't wait. Thanks very much ah for the smiles to the family who wanted me to take a picture of them forming a human pyramid. ah So it was it was like one of these multi-generational family trips. They all come into town instead of going to some theme park or something to have some fun, wholesome family fun. They dress up as death metal ne'er-dwells, every last one of them. And they're in a park. They're still trying to have fun. they they get One of them gives me their phone. They want me to take a picture. So I decided a video.
00:21:33
Speaker
would be better because they're construct so that's consideration don't you think we're in the digital age you have videos is the thing they can always take a screen cap from the video right so so they can take a pic because but trust me there are many pictures of great worth that i was able to capture through this video okay They're building in the human period ah they're building a human pyramid. They're having fun layer after layer, and it's going up. So who was on the bottom? You got to put the biggest people at the bottom. Some of the elders of that family, some of the other bigger people. Were you directing this? Who was in charge? No, I was just filming the video, Mrs. Elizabeth, and then a few layers get added. How many were there? Enough to make it a delightful tableau. It's like a family reunion.
00:22:17
Speaker
oh Well, what ended up happening is that somebody got a little wobbly in the knees wobbly in the way the old elbows Mm-hmm side of the pyramid goes down the whole thing collapsed in a just a mess of of flailing limbs and began and Screams and yelling you need planning a bit more better planning not not you but for that family They needed to plan this a bit better. I was beside myself. I was laughing so hard. I you Enjoyed that one. Oh, I was just and I did you call the hospital. Did anybody need an ambulance? No, I made sure I captured every moment and I was just screaming hysterically with laughter. So you were of no assistance then whatsoever? No, because I had to forward the video to my phone. Okay. So I did that and trust me, I watched it later and I was laughing so loud. All right. It was completely distorted. Like it was just, whatever. What a wonderful video. I'm going to treasure that. That's my favorite memory of the Death Metal Festival so far, well by a long shot. That's fun. That's fun. OK, good for you. Oh, what a delightful way to end this segment. all like so you know Good things happened. I'm glad I kept an open mind. I got out there. little shout out i met some I met some new friends, and I hope that family's OK. Those bruises will heal. Don't worry about it. yeah So nobody was permanently hurt. Oh, no. No, of course not, Mrs. List. Those cloaks they wear are thick. It's kind of like armor. yeah There are just a lot of bruised egos.
00:23:33
Speaker
Okay. Delightful. I hope they got back up on the horse, so to speak. No, enough of that. I don't don't think we should talk about people dressed up as horses anymore for this whole up rest of this. Old stuff right here on Hellless Mountains. Yeah, that just goes to show you've really always been a bit negative towards the Smiles and Death Metal Festival. I don't know what other response would be possible for a rational person, Miss Elizabeth. You gotta take this offensive display. It's a carnival. It's basically our, like so it's like a Halloween carnival that happens in July.
00:24:06
Speaker
Exactly. yeah i we so It sounds like we agree. and like You can hear how screamingly annoying such a thing would be okay to ah to someone with a semblance of sense. Well, literally everyone else enjoys it. so Okay, yeah. ah Again, wreckage, ignore it. i'm That's fine. they have i mean I just sampled the other day death metal cheese. ditch It's amazing. It's so delicious. It's like a different slightly different color. It's got that depth of flavor that you expect from a death metal anything. And it was glorious. I don't know. this elizabeth of the year you know There's something in death metal for everyone is what I'm trying to say. I barely like cheese as it is. And I think the fingernail on the ledge grasp of liking cheese has now been kicked into the abyss.
00:24:51
Speaker
Well, that's that's quite a thing to say, I hear you saying, dear listener friend, and I agree with you. That's why we got to turn our attention attention to some music right now. Let's check in with Smileton's own, The Smile Syndicate with a track entitled, Mr. Blue, hullabaloo. Right on.
00:25:23
Speaker
A brilliant whirl on a sunny day With snowshoes on the beach He takes a bath with a jumper on Listen and he'll teach Everybody thinks he's odd and everybody gets it wrong. Can you see the beams of sunshine? Anybody hear a song? Here he comes, Mr. Blue. Holler balloons, squares can't dig what they think. He's gonna do, see me and you. Can we see Mr. Blue?
00:26:24
Speaker
He goes sunbathing when it rains Trainers in the snow He flies so high in a submarine Listen and you'll know Everybody thinks he's armed and everybody gets it wrong
00:26:48
Speaker
Everybody hear the song, here he comes Mr. Blue, holla-balloo The squares can't dig what they think He's gonna do it, see me and you Can we see Mr. Blue?
00:27:11
Speaker
They say he's just a strange little fellow They find him off-putting Forget the modern age He's stayin' mellow They don't like his nonsense Everybody thinks he's on and everybody gets it wrong
00:27:38
Speaker
Everybody sing along. Here he comes. Mr. Blue, hollow balloon. The squares can't dig what they think. He's gonna do it. See me and you. Can we see Mr. Blue? He's trying to show us. Here he comes. Mr. Blue, hollow balloon. The squares can't dig what they think. He's gonna do it. See me and you.
00:28:30
Speaker
Mr. Blue hullabaloo right here on Hello, Smile, Then brought to us by the Smile Syndicate. Yeah. That was some harpsichord. That was some prancing and dancing. It was peppy. Yeah. Everything the Smile, Then Death Metal Festival is not. Okay. Yeah. I've got to get my shots in where I can, Ms. Lizard, because I'm utterly surrounded. I'm outnumbered about three million to one these days. That's fine. it's It's a sad state of affairs. And before I get too down in the doldrums, too down in the dumps about it, I think we should introduce the next segment that's coming screaming back out of the archives. Yeah. This is going to be a warning from a Smouton resident that was brought to us through the pneumatic tube. Yeah, the pneumatic tube still has been a bit quiet lately.
00:29:14
Speaker
Yeah, it's a little too quiet. I'm watching that thing like a hawk. I hope there's nothing stuck in it. No, I have too many worries. It might be clogged. Oh, OK, we'll get to work on this. What if there's a lot of old ancient messages that need to be delivered? That's something I'm not worrying about. We're going to listen to this warning from the Pneumatic 2 Plus, an edition of Miss Elizabeth's podcast Ketchup. This originally aired on January the 30th, 2023, as part of episode 17 of this very show. Hello, Smalton. And that episode was entitled, if our mission is to take off our pants and dance, we'll do it. We will. Let's go.
00:29:57
Speaker
I'm still reeling. yeah We have this fantastic prize package. We haven't given it away because of that stupid wheel. Yeah. I told you, I don't want the round wheel of mystery around here anymore. I think that prize package might require a little bit more thought, particularly if a lady wins. Like too much stuff in it. We got a parrot back. That's like changing somebody's life a little bit too much. I don't know if the one with the angels is for the ladies, particularly. I don't know. I think Johnny's Angels has a universal. Guess what? We've got a message. Yeah, I heard a message. I was trying to talk through it. It's not going to work. The Angels have a universal appeal. what we Why are you letting the pneumatic tube delivery interrupt the show? Let's just ignore it.
00:30:41
Speaker
Well, I don't think we can. ok It'll just kind of help. We'll get more and more until we answer it. Okay, fine. Let's get this over with. What is the message from the pneumatic tube saying? Okay, I'm going to open it up and here's what it says. Smilton, your attention please. You see, Jason, I told you this was an important announcement. While I am so grateful that so many of you have been coming to my shop and buying the locally made handcrafted items that I sell, I feel compelled to issue a warning despite the negative effect this may have on my not for too much profit organizations, shop local, live global ethos. oh
00:31:19
Speaker
Well, so here comes a warning. Yeah. That being said, for the love of God, if you've applied certain body paint products purchased as sunshine hippie goods to even the slightest part of your skin, please go to the nearest facility that offers germ lab level cleansing to get it off you and as far away from you and as far away from smiles and as possible. Well, now you got my attention, Miss Lisbeth. Wow, because you might have used some of these things. Like you don't have to say if you did, just this is information for the whole town. Yeah, i I think I'm in the clear on this one. I'd like to particularly highlight that the body paints cosmic hug and sensual experiment should not only
00:32:01
Speaker
not be anywhere near your skin, they should not be in the same building with lit incense due to extreme risk of explosive combustion. Oh, well that's good. Boy, sounds like she's selling weapons grade body paint there. That is what that sounds like. Thanks for nothing sunshine Jean. My goodness, I haven't used that body paint in quite some time. Miss Elizabeth I thought it would go ah go without saying that people saying people shouldn't need to be warned against using body paint Well full stop we do live in fairly much of a capital of the death metal culture So there is a certain amount of body paint activity that does they're painting their faces with edible body paint miss
00:32:40
Speaker
Not all of the time. Oh, and death metal got even worse. Plus, I've had unsubstantiated reports that use of the sultry delusion body paint has led to pooping problems in some users. Pooping problems? Uh oh. Okay, well, time to throw the book at Sunshine Jane. You can't be selling stuff that causes pooping problems. No one's looking for that. out of an abundance of caution on days that may require you to poop, discontinue use of sultry delusion for at least 36 hours beforehand. I don't know about you, Jason, but that's pretty much all of the time. Yeah. Miss Elizabeth, I think just flat out discontinue use of sultry delusion and any other body paint you got in the old tickle trunk. Full stop. She says, I'm mortified by these incidents and even more that this isn't the first time that it's happened. I always do my best, but sometimes creating and selling locally crafted goods leads to problems that could not have been foreseen.
00:33:39
Speaker
It happened before, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. Forsee it. I, ah exactly. I offer these body paints as a way for my customers to engage in sensual play, not as something that causes extensive. Well, I don't want to go into detail. Okay, she's warning us about something, but she won't say what happens if you have this stuff anywhere near your skin. Well, she does let you know that it will be extensive. i'll Okay. Okay, so that tells you a lot, I think already. Let's just say if you've purchased Cosmic Hug Sensual Experiment and a few others that I'm forgetting from me, get yourself as clean as possible and get tested for pretty much everything. Oh, brother. Well, I gotta say buyer beware. If you went to Sunshine good ah sunshine Janes Hippie Goods and you and you said, hey, body paint, looking for edible body paint, what you got? I think you you sealed your own doom.
00:34:33
Speaker
Yeah, so apart from these products, I'm proud to say Sunshine Hippie Goods continues to do its sunshiny work in delivering locally made, globally intended products with love and good vibes. It's about peace. And explosive combustion in certain cases. It's about love and the whole thing should be a trip so freak out Groovy and see you next time Get treated for that extensive whatever it is and see you next time come back for more sunshine hit because Miss Elizabeth that is the most cockamamie thing I ever heard I know but thank you to the pneumatic tube for bringing us that message You know what? I'm not considering that a warning. I'm considering that an anti-paid advertisement. Dear listener friend, I'm trusting you you got the 411 on what's going on at Sunshine Hippiegood. So you don't need to be warned away from that establishment at all. Yeah. But Sunshine Jane is a very good friend of mine and her business is generally on the up and up. So I mean, I do support her. Except for the stuff that but i does something to you that she doesn't even specify. Sometimes that can happen. Miss Elizabeth, yeah we're going to turn from one headache inducing piece of nonsense to the next.
00:35:37
Speaker
All right. It's time for Miss Elizabeth's podcast catch-up. That's right. You do 91 other podcasts. It beggars belief. It does. And I just wonder, I break my back on the joyful treadmill preparing for my part in this in this program. Yeah. So I wonder how Miss Elizabeth can show up prepared at all when she devotes literally one 90 second of the effort that I do because she's got 91 other shows to worry about. Well, I think it's more like that i I do the amount of effort that you do, but times 92. I guess you're 92 times better at podcasting than I am. I'm pretty good at it. I mean, I don't mean to brag. I mean, you know, there's too many segments on this show where I really wonder why we do them. But for some reason, dear listener friend, you and people we talk to here in Smoughton want to hear about what Miss Elizabeth is up to on these other shows. So she has selected a few to highlight for us right now. Miss Elizabeth, what is this first
00:36:35
Speaker
other show that you do that you want to tell us about. You know this one, and I think you like it. Up, Up and Away, the hot air ballooning podcast. Yeah. We try to keep this show light and airy. That's the appropriate theme for hot air ballooning. Yes. But things got a little tense when Terrence Zed called in. Oh, wait a minute. my Now I'm in interested. Terrence Zed. He is still in the Smiles in Supermax and called in to put a curse on us. Yes. Or something. Yeah. Well, good. Miss Elizabeth, talk about a political- Wait a minute, you're in favour of somebody cursing us? Well, you kind of earned the curse, Miss Elizabeth. Terence Zedd, dear listener friend, if you're not familiar, Terence Zedd, years ago now,
00:37:19
Speaker
ah started writing into the message board to complain about the preponderance of hot air balloons clogging the skies above Smilton on the weekend you could barely see the Sun there were so you couldn't see the Sun because there were so many hot air balloons he just he got no help so he decided to take the law into his own hands he started shooting balloons down with a pellet gun and Yeah. Shot them all down. Then he he got a pirate ship shaped balloon, ruled the skies. He he proclaimed himself Sky King of Smiles. Those were dark days. those were brother Those were glorious days, Miss Elizabeth. How could they be dark as the sun was in its naked glory? So he got into a screaming match with Alf Mayes. Yeah, because Alf Mayes, there's a complicated story behind this, but Taron said he's been in and out of the Smiles in Supermax. He got arrested.
00:38:05
Speaker
this The hot air ballooners got back up. The Smouton Super Max, of course, is a high-tech Super Max facility born aloft with hot air balloons. Literally high-tech. It's high up in the sky. It crashed because the Smouton Rocketeering Club shot it down accidentally. Terrence Z. escaped. Alf-Maze led a ventureil like vigilante mob to track him down again, one way or the other. Terence Zedd got caught. He's in Super Max again. you can You can see why. He's just so willing to curse the people who spit at his throne. He's the Sky King and he needs a restoration. So those two are gonna fight. They did challenge each other to a duel. If Terence Zedd ever gets out, they're gonna do it 17th century style. ah Good.
00:38:48
Speaker
OK, well, if I may be so bold, Jorg and I had a duel back in 2019. You did, but you didn't do a 17th century style. It was a Bulgarian mountain duel. yeah We were on unicycles. We jousted. That's the proper way to be dueling in Smalton. I don't know about this 17th century style stuff. Well, that's how they're going to do it. But it wasn't all swear words and angry outbursts, Jason. OK. Elmer finally received his custom balloon and we inflated it on the show while that arguing was going on. So it was a productive show. So people screaming at each other and meanwhile in the background. That's right Jason. Sounds good. It's a near perfect likeness of Elmer's head so keep your eyes on the skies and you might see old Elmer smiling down on you. I wish you guys would give up that idea. I can't take seeing your heads up there. It's disturbing. We like it. It's disturbing Miss Elizabeth. It's good. And Christy's twin sister Cassie called in and they got in an argument because Cassie wants to get into hot air ballooning just like Christy is. Yeah. And she wants to start by getting a custom balloon of her head.
00:39:51
Speaker
But Christie says people already see her floating up there, and they will get confused if Cassie's head is up there too. Because they're twins. Almost like two two Christie's or two Cassie's. Cassie said people can tell the difference, but Christie was all not at that distance. Ugh. Miss Elizabeth, you see what kind of thorny rivalry yes thorny problems you get into when you start but what putting custom balloons in your own head up in the sky. Well, Christy and Cassie are going to join me on the twins podcast that we that we also have coming out, so we will maybe smooth some of that out. Okay, are you a twin, Miss Elizabeth? I'm not a twin. No, you you're not your sibling is not your twin. So what what what the deuce are you doing on a twins podcast? I'll be on a podcast that talks about twins. I'm asking why? Because you're not a twin. Because I'm interested in twins. You do podcasts to learn things, Jason. Do you see how much how this all could have been avoided if Terence Z had just continued to rule the skies above us?
00:40:47
Speaker
Well, I think it's nicer if everybody can get up in a hot air balloon. I mean, we just disagree on that, Jason. We absolutely we do disagree. OK, here's another big podcast you have not heard of yet. It's called The Great DeBake. It's a baking podcast. When the oven gets hot, we bake up a lot of fun on this one, Jason. Alonzo brought in some amazing pastries, but as always, we are not allowed to eat them. why Why? He won't share? He's keeping them all to himself. Well, he takes pride in his baking and he says that we don't eat other works of art. So why are we so interested in eating him? It's food. For example, if the Mona Lisa smelled delicious, which weird we're not in front of it. Maybe it does. Would we eat the Mona Lisa? He says he argues no. OK, yes. Oh, he does, does he? Just because it smells good. You don't eat it. OK, I would say push him out of the way and eat the pastries. This guy sounds like i he's got a screw loose.
00:41:44
Speaker
Marty Mustache brought in some wonderful pumpernickel. OK. Are you reading from a kid's book now? Marty Mustache. I call him Marty Mustache. Marty Mustache. OK. So those loaves must have weighed about 10 pounds each. We all agreed that we're still going to call him Marty Mustache, even though we don't think that Marty no Mustache will be on the show for a while, since it turned out that he was using a stolen identity. And the authorities found out about that, Jason. So we had two Martys. One had a mustache and we call him Marty Mustache. And then the other one didn't have a mustache. So to distinguish them, we said Marty, no Mustache. So get your life together. Normally you do an initial or give one of the Martys a nickname.
00:42:29
Speaker
Marty No Mustache. And it turns out Marty wasn't even his real name. And he's not on the show anymore, but we like the name Marty Mustache. At least I do. Get your life together and come back soon, Marty No Mustache. wow Was he at least, could he at least bake worth anything? Could either of those market either of the Marty's bake the pumpernickel the pumpernickel Yes, the show is pretty colorful because Inez has really gotten into whip cracking So she basically stayed in the background cracking a whip the whole time that's surreal So it sounded so you could hear the whip cracking through the whole show. That's right
00:43:02
Speaker
awesome so yeah like that, but it did startle pretty much everyone throughout the whole show. So everybody was kind of always jumping. oh huh ah like yeah that didn't I'm sure that didn't get annoying. Now, she never actually hit us, but when we got startled, it sounded a little like we might have been hit, but we weren't. It's a pretty crazy recipe that we use to create this show, Jason. Well, I know to pass on that one, I don't think I'm ever going to listen to the great debate. I think it's a really good show. Okay. Okay. Well, okay. Well, back to something that you do know about and possibly listen to, but don't tell your friends about it. Must have muster. oh Well, that's an action packed show. i believe in that I think you might have been listening because Rudy insisted we open the show by calling his wife i back at that stuff. Yeah. Rudy and his wife getting after it. theyve
00:43:52
Speaker
Well, they've been having troubles. On the call, Rudy announced that he's, he just announced yeah that he is a polygamist. so Okay, what kind of podcast is this? He announced this on the phone on a podcast. Yeah. So his wife says, oh no, you're not. And they got into an argument right there on the show. I'm sure that you heard the whole thing. we're dead Did Mustard come up at all? This is supposed to be a show about Mustard and they're talking about, I'm a polygamist. Oh, no, you're not. I'm getting to that. They still have an open relationship and Rudy's super stressed out about it. He just... Ah, Miss Elizabeth. When I tried to... Rudy's making some bad choices here.
00:44:31
Speaker
Yeah. Well, maybe everybody in this relationship could be making some bad choices, you know. So when I tried to steer the conversation towards Mustard, as you're requesting that I do, he screamed F Mustard. Oh, no. And stormed out of the studio. So we're in discussions with him as to whether or not you're allowed on the Must Have Mustard podcast. If your whole theme is F Mustard. It sounds like anything goes on that show anyway, Miss Elizabeth. So it would be a little rich to keep him off the show for saying F mustard. Chrissy's daughter will be fine next time. Just let him cool down. But I do got to say, maybe I do have to check this out. I keep saying every time you give me an update about what must have mustard, this crazy stuff's going on. I still haven't subscribed. This might just be the push I need. I know you're going to love it, Jason. Chrissy's daughter has been getting in trouble in school. This is still must have mustard. Still must have mustard. She keeps smoking cigars in class. Chrissy's daughter? Chrissy's daughter. Isn't she in like elementary school? Chrissy called up the principal of the school and got in an argument during the show. Oh but get boy, lots of yelling in this one. There's a lot of phone calling in this one.
00:45:35
Speaker
Chrissy screamed that she was going to go down there and beat some sense into the guy and the principal was all you don't have the guts Oh boy, which is an unusual response and Chrissy goes Oh now it's on go ahead and call the hospital and let them know that you're gonna need a room tonight Okay Wow announcing attention to commit crimes yeah as I mentioned earlier Not a good idea a couple of gloves have just hit the floor got one has been thrown down exactly keep But again, easily solved. Chrissy, take the cigars away from your daughter. She shouldn't be smoking them in school. Well, I don't think she's giving her daughter cigars, Jason. Well, where else is the kid getting them from, Ms. Elizabeth? Well, she's getting money or she's stealing them. Oh, well, Chrissy's got work to do then, doesn't she? Yeah. I mean, obviously, I mean, she's a kid getting into trouble as kids do. What is it about mustard that attracts miscreants?
00:46:24
Speaker
Well, while this was going on, I was trying because you're calling me a miscreant, but here's what I was doing. I tried the Mayan mustard starter pack that I got last week. Oh, Mayan mustard, Jason. I know you're used to always getting mustard from Alberta because Alberta is a huge exporter of mustard globally to the whole world. News to me, but sure. It's a big deal. But this Mayan mustard, I actually don't think I said a word on the whole podcast, but maybe you could hear me kind of like sampling. I spent the whole time trying these delicious mustards and just enjoying myself. So for me, it was a great show.
00:46:59
Speaker
Yeah, no wonder you could do so many shows. You just sat there and ate. All the screaming was going on around you. I ate so many different mustards, Jason. In terms of mustard, you might even say, I'm a polygamist. Well, no, I'm not going to say that at all, Ms. Elizabeth. What I'm going to say is, let's gently close the book on this segment, because I think that's about enough of these screwball podcast updates for a little while yet. More joyous old stuff straight out of the archive, straight into your ears, right here on Hello, Smoth. I'm definitely going to have to look into that pneumatic tube problem. i I'm not worried about Miss Elizabeth. If that thing is clogged forever and those messages just go unheard. That's not how it works. It's more like a volcano. If you don't let it flow, it'll explode eventually. I'm shaking. Okay. Bring it. Alright. Stupid tube. Oh my goodness.
00:47:47
Speaker
I'm daring the pneumatic tube to do something about it. That's a bit much. And while I ease back with my cigar confident in my own hubris. You are. You've got a cigar right now. Let's listen to another song. You don't even smoke. You're just enjoying that cigar. Yeah, it's not even lit. I'm just gnawing on it. Smiles syndicate. Song. Walk the rock, walk. Let's go.
00:51:14
Speaker
It's good to get into some rock. Always. And you could use a lot more of that in your life. Get rid of all this death metal nonsense. Flush it out. okay You want to talk about unclogging a tube? How about unclogging your spirit? Okay, it's all part of the same category. Like, I know that death metal is a very, you know, refined segment of death metal, but... But nothing, Miss Elizabeth. You answered your own question. Rock is what you need. Okay, but rock and roll is it's a large category. It is. Death Metal is emphatically excluded from it. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. We hope you had fun. That's all we're here for. We're going to be joining you next week. We can't wait to see you again for another episode of Hello, Smilton. But in the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth. Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember friends, the sun is the jukebox.