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I Didn't Mean To Turn This Into The Hacky Sack Hour
42 Plays10 months ago
A podcast episode so good, it'll ruin all other podcasts for you. What is being referred to can only be this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Miss Elizabeth and Jason are proudly broadcasting from Smileton – podcasting capital of the world. What better place to beam their off-kilter comedy and musical entertainments out to the entertainment-starved world?
Whether you need a guide to the Smileton night live in a classic AROUND TOWN, or the most entertaining, wacked-out news cast ever in a vintage SMILETON NEWS, this episode will deliver exactly what you need with extreme gusto.
Add a couple of tracks by Smileton's own pop kingpins THE SMILE SYNDICATE and I'd say asking for any more from a podcast episode would be outrageous.
HELLO, SMLETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
2:52 Around Town / Paid Advertisement (Park Place Spittoons) (from June 26, 2023)
25:51 SONG – Walk The Rock Walk
29:02 Smileton News (from September 18, 2023)
46:18 SONG – Theme From The Smile Syndicate
Recommended
Transcript
Welcome to Smileton
00:00:04
Speaker
Hello, Smileton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I am ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Elizabeth, thank you. You're a listener friend.
00:00:20
Speaker
thank you to you as well there's many thanks to go around because we're having fun aren't we miss elizabeth today we are having fun i'm also quite relaxed i just came out of the sauna i also was in the hot tub that's two hot things i'm quite so indulgent and relaxed right now sharpest attack you gotta be you gotta be quick as a whip
00:00:40
Speaker
I feel like I'm sorry. It sounds like you've been lollygagging. You've been like cruising and relaxing the day away into this show. If you're if you aren't stressed to the nines, then I don't know how you can perform effectively. I'm going to try to pick things up. But right now I am coasting. You're in the zone. Isn't that nice? Well, you're you're you're heating yourself up. You're relaxing the day away.
Spring in Smileton
00:01:03
Speaker
And I think you could just do the same thing just getting outside because spring is springing early here in Smilton. It's melting like crazy.
00:01:10
Speaker
It's above zero, snow's going away. There's lakes all over the sidewalks. Spring is in the air. You have to walk in the middle of the road. Well, don't tell me your troubles, Miss Elizabeth. Springtime means your feet get soaked and the sooner you embrace that, the less disappointed you are when you get your first soaker.
00:01:28
Speaker
Just seek doctor's attention if you do start to get some infection of the foot, also known as trench foot or just like spring foot. If you get trench foot just because the spring melt is underway, you're doing something wrong. Dear listener friend, I trust you're not in that boat. What I trust the boat that you're in is
Hacky Sack Banter
00:01:47
Speaker
is ravenous hunger for entertainment. It's a good thing you're joining us today. Springtime is in the air. I'm Miss Elizabeth. Maybe you've relaxed. I'm tense. People are getting outside. They're doing their thing. And I see the hacky sackers are back out there. Oh, yeah. Knocking the hacky sack around. I thought I thought I put an end to that in this town.
00:02:09
Speaker
Well, in my own small way, Miss Elizabeth, I look disapprovingly at the hacky sackers. I assume they can kind of pick up on the signals. I have forbidden hacky sack amongst the food court regulars, the buddies I hang out with at the Smoughton Mall Food Court. They ignore me. This is yet another thing that needs to go on the agenda for the Smoughton Betterment Society. It's just such a tearful occupation. You know, you just you just knock that sack around.
00:02:34
Speaker
It's fine. Nothing like hacky sack to make you hate the springtime. Oh, okay. Well, we got to get on to some fun stuff. What are those sacks full of anyway?
00:02:44
Speaker
Annoyance and misery. I think beans. I didn't mean to turn this into the hacky sack hour. Miss Elizabeth, if you will, we have a vast archive on this very show. Yeah. Many good episodes of Hello, Smileton! exist in the past and the show that came before the Smile Syndicate music hour. We loved going through the treasure trove of our vast archives and pulling out a couple old friends to revisit and we're doing such a thing.
00:03:12
Speaker
today. Yeah, and I'm feeling magnanimous. So please, you can have the first pick. Magnanimous? How dare you? Yeah. I will take that first pick. I got a good one here. So we like to give you an idea what's going around, going on around Smiles Mountains. That's why we do a second called Around Town. So we have a particularly enticing edition of Around Town to bring you once more. But that's not all.
Revisiting Past Episodes
00:03:38
Speaker
Paid advertisement. Wow. My favorite sponsor. I'll leave it at that. Let us now listen to this fun time segment, which originally aired June 26th, 2023 in episode 38 of Hello Smildan, which was proudly entitled. Do you want me to go brawl with a commoner? Let's listen. Smildan has got a bustling nightlife.
00:04:02
Speaker
A lot of stuff going on in this town. Sometimes you'd just be standing in the middle of Harvester Square. You don't know what to do. You got too many choices. Do I go north to that? Do I go south to that? East to that? West is happening. What's going on? I don't know what to
Navigating Smileton's Nightlife
00:04:16
Speaker
pick from. You'll be paralyzed by choice. The moon will rise. The hooting owls will be the only thing in your ear as you're still standing there, staring into the void at 2am.
00:04:27
Speaker
Yeah, could have used a guide to the nightlife, and that's what we're here to provide. I've thought of a couple options. Have you also got your options ready?
Theater Demolition Prank
00:04:34
Speaker
Ready and enabled. Okay, so let's get started. Around town. Okay. Let's listen to that music, Miss Elizabeth. Does it put you in the right mood? Okay. Yes, I'm in the mood. Okay, good. Out with it. Okay. Join me tonight at the Smileton Convention Center for an exciting fundraiser.
00:04:51
Speaker
It's exciting, but they're asking for money on behalf of the Smilton Community Theatre. Local theatre talent will be there to do their entertaining best to get you to reach into your wallets to help out a valued local institution that is facing a big challenge, Jason.
00:05:10
Speaker
It is indeed, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, you know about this. Yeah, the scuttlebutt gets around. Okay, I thought you might have known or even been connected with this, but I didn't ask. Did you not notice me grinning impishly as you started reading this story? Yeah, okay, so local delinquent prankster kids, known as Prank Squad X, they are delinquent. Careful, Miss Elizabeth. And they are from Prank Squad X. I'm just reading the facts right now.
00:05:36
Speaker
Committed a terrible prank and tricked a local demolition company into tearing down not only the Smiles and Community Theatre Yeah, but also the adjoining office buildings as well. Oh my goodness. What a prank That one's gonna go down in the history books as being one of the funniest pranks ever pulled in this town I mean, it's definitely a prank it might have been funny, but it's really I mean it couldn't happen to a nicer community theatre organization
00:06:03
Speaker
you want to talk about criminal miss Elizabeth how about that organization in the first place it's at the very least mischief and what you're talking about is not true the smileton community local theater is not a criminal enterprise just money laundering they actually put on shows i agree with you miss Elizabeth they money launder they they put the host pretend shows they sell tickets to events which
00:06:23
Speaker
They never occur. Just because you don't attend them doesn't mean they didn't occur. Okay, lots of damage was done here, but Smiletonians are generous, as we know, and we will get those buildings put right again. But only with your help, so tonight, with your generosity, the Smileton Community Theater will rise again. I hope not. This was hilarious. Why would you want to undo something so funny?
00:06:47
Speaker
Okay. They, Miss Elizabeth, you know their storied history. Deception, malfeasance, criminal activity. Okay, you're talking about the community theater, because I was thinking of- Among local criminals, they're saints, Miss Elizabeth. They have built the gullible town people for many years. This is not true. Prank Squad acts are the criminals in this case. I don't think so. I think they're kind of like Robin Hood striking a blow for justice. Where's the money to the poor, though? What do you mean? Robin Hood stole from the
00:07:25
Speaker
I'm in favor of parks. We have a lot of parks in Smoughton.
00:07:45
Speaker
Okay. Well, I got something a little less funny, a little less cheerful to talk about. Is this going to get serious now? Oh, so you don't want me to be heckling your idea? Miss Elizabeth, when you see what I'm going to be talking about, you'll understand why I say bring it on. All right.
Fight Club Recruitment
00:08:03
Speaker
Smilton Fight Club. Membership is open to all, as always. Well, I've been doing my kickboxing, so maybe I will bring some.
00:08:11
Speaker
Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I would caution against it. I got some uppercut action happening. Really? Yeah, I got some push kicks as well. Because you run your mouth, and you get into trouble pretty quick. OK. And there's some bruisers in that company in that club. All right, well, tell me what's happening, because I'm getting my- OK, we need some help here. OK. This is a call for help.
00:08:31
Speaker
where the Smilton Fight Club is calling out to the community because we're getting harassed. Oh. We're getting harassed by marauders from Pickle Hills, our neighboring town, part of the tri-town area. Like rival fight clubs? Marauders. I wouldn't even grant them the title of a fight club. They don't even seem to be that organized. They wheel into town. They yell. They throw things. Miss Elizabeth, they're fine.
00:08:55
Speaker
Fairly rude. They're marauders. That's the best word I can use. So they're like bullies from out of town? I don't know where they come. They push you, they shove you, some rude talk. And we've got to get some more members in the Fight Club if we're going to stand up to these guys.
00:09:10
Speaker
So I don't understand. What are they doing? They're shoving us. They're pushed. They're getting in our face. They're doing it like, oh, you got something on your shirt and you look down and whammo. Right in the nose. Humiliation. So they're targeting you as the Fight Club. Yeah. OK. We need more people because we're getting pushed around, quite frankly. All right.
00:09:29
Speaker
We're getting bullied. Miss Elizabeth, flat out. Is the Fight Club kind of... I mean, I realize there's a rule about Fight Club, but are you guys fighting each other? Like, secret, like, just between us. That's the idea. Okay. But we can't when we're getting harassed from outside. Yeah, now you have to... This is uncalled for. What did we do? We're just trying to fight each other.
00:09:47
Speaker
You're going to come in and be big shots and bully us and push us down and make us feel about Miss Elizabeth. I'm going to tell you one thing. I'll spare him the indignity. I won't mention the name of the person. There's a guy in the Fight Club, Salt of the Earth, likes pounding faces like nobody's business. Is it your alter ego? No, it's not Miss Elizabeth. If this happened to me, I would never speak this story. He's standing there. A guy gets in his grill, yapping him, and his confederate.
00:10:16
Speaker
This ne'er-do-well sneaks behind my buddy, gets on all fours, and then my buddy gets pushed by the guy yapping at him. Over he goes, right onto the ground. I said it before, I said it again. Ladies and gentlemen, jackals. They smell blood in the air, and they howl with madness because the spectacle of human misery is irresistible to these jackals. So when is it?
00:10:44
Speaker
What do you mean? No, right now. So there's right now, right now is the is the event that you're trying to get. No, right now you got to join. But this Saturday, Harvester Square. OK, I don't know. Come with your fists taped. We're just gathering because we're probably going to get harassed again.
00:11:00
Speaker
Okay. We gotta start- the time starts now, Ms. Elizabeth. We need an inspir- This is not- I might riff and do an inspirational speech. Okay. What if that happens? I fire up the boys. Alright. And then we get to work on these marauders. Okay. Or we just get harrassed some more and we go farther into the pits of despair. Or you fall back into old habits and just start fighting each other. Yep.
00:11:19
Speaker
Yeah, whatever happens this Saturday, Harvester Square P there. One of the cutest little citizens of Smileton is being honored tomorrow night at the Pepper Auditorium on the campus of the University of Smileton.
Parrot with a PhD?
00:11:33
Speaker
Okay. We have a university, Jason. I'm so proud of our little university. It's old, it's ancient, but it's there.
00:11:41
Speaker
okay you're okay you've you've you've stated something yeah and now you're gonna follow it up with something yeah i have a hunch it may undercut the veracity what you just said
00:11:54
Speaker
Sounds like a sound, solemn institution of higher learning with sound judgment, open curious intellectual curiosity. Let's see what they're up to. Local parrot Bird is getting an honorary doctorate in political science. And I, Jason, contrary to what you're indicating right now, cannot think of a more deserving bird.
00:12:17
Speaker
You can't? Pick one in the sky, Miss Elizabeth. That one will deserve a bug degree more than that sociopathic foul-mouthed bird. If you can't get a seat in the auditorium, then hang out on the quad because I've heard that there's gonna be a barbecue. There's gonna be potato salad, hot dogs, and orange pop. What a fun way to celebrate Smileson's most colorful scholar. Sounds like a grade four field trip, Miss Elizabeth.
00:12:44
Speaker
Which is always fun. That's a super fun thing. I mean, you would think... Okay, you invited our audience to come to Fight Club and potentially fight and or get beaten up. And I'm inviting you to come and see a bird or a doctorate and maybe have a hot dog. A sociopathic, Eric. Blood curdling profanity. Okay, he's not... Directed at me. All right, but that's funny though. Everybody doesn't mind that. He's not sociopathic. He's responding to something out of your personality. Blame the victim.
00:13:12
Speaker
Okay. That's unappealing, Miss Elizabeth. This is the 21st century. We left that behind long ago. Did we? I should hope so. Okay.
Meteor Shower Concerns
00:13:22
Speaker
Okay. Look up in the sky. Right now? Not now, on Saturday. Okay. This is going to be a meteor shower.
00:13:31
Speaker
Is there? I didn't know that. How did I not know that? I saw it on a website or something like that. Some people are actually upset about it because they put some of those high-powered telescopes on the trail and apparently there's like some, I don't know, organic matter, some spores trailing behind the meteor or whatever and it's supposed to like land on Earth. Okay. Probably nothing. I'm not gonna worry about that. But it does sound like it could be an invasion of planet Earth.
00:13:56
Speaker
I'm not going to worry about it, Miss Elizabeth. But where should we be for this? Well, what the thing is, that's not the important thing. Oh, I feel like it might be immediately important. There's a meteor coming. There's organic spores falling behind, probably going to land on Earth and interact with our ecosystem. I don't, whatever. Am I going to have an allergic reaction to the spores? This is probably way too much nerdy science detail for you, dear listener friends. I'm going to get to the good part. OK. We have these dark sky community weirdos.
00:14:20
Speaker
in town who want to like extinguish all light and smiles and so they can they can indulge in their hobbies instead of just driving 5k out of town and where it's dark okay so they're going to be uh pointing their telescopes at that so at that uh that meteor shower
00:14:36
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, thank goodness. Somebody needs to keep an eye on that. I mean, to be honest, I'll probably be fast asleep. So hopefully somebody's watching. Well, they'll be watching. They'll be watching the blinding searchlights. We shine in their faces and the other things we're going to do to wreck their viewing party. Okay. We're going to make a foghorn. Whatever. So the event is come and watch us be pains in the butt.
00:15:00
Speaker
yeah we're gonna wreck someone else's fun okay that's okay i now i have to be awake and help prevent that from happening imagine like hey hospital uh hey don't fix that little kid's uh broken arm uh turn your lights off turn the power off because we go to look at the storm
00:15:17
Speaker
None of that's a problem. Everybody who needs it is equipped with different kinds of visualization devices. So nobody's going blind anywhere. You don't need to have lights everywhere. Yes, you do. All you need is those special glasses that everything looks green. The police have those things. We're fine. If you want to go for a night walk. Spare me.
00:15:35
Speaker
walk out with night vision. This is my promise to you. Okay, go ahead. No, no, go ahead. I heard a promise. Yeah. So I said I was going to be asleep, but now obviously I have to be on guard. So what I'm going to be doing, and I'll tell you this in advance, so fully, totally fair to you.
00:15:52
Speaker
I'm going to go right after this show and find every pair of your shoes and tie them all together. Okay. So you are not going to be able and I'm going to do other things too. And we're going to make sure like maybe I'll tie your pant legs together. Like you're not going to be able to. Okay. One thing, stay out of my place.
00:16:12
Speaker
Number two, I got cowboy boots on. So laughs, laughs, laughs, laughs on you. Okay, I'll figure something else out with the cowboy boots. I'm going to not take these off until Saturday is done. We're going to run riot. Those nerds are going to, their heads will be spinning. It's going to be great. All right. That's around town. That's what's happening to your listener friend. Check it out. Turns out there's a lot happening.
00:16:33
Speaker
Well, I told you that at the beginning. I believe you. We're trying to sort through how much stuff you can't possibly see everything. No. But you got to hit the hotspots. And I think we did a pretty good job of pointing at some of them. Yeah. This show, it runs on talent. It runs on energy.
00:16:52
Speaker
And most important, it runs on money, money, big bucks.
Spittoon Advertisement Debate
00:16:57
Speaker
And that is generously provided to us by our sponsors. Local small businesses in Smileton, they give us the big bucks. It's what keeps the lights on. In Smile Syndicate HQ, Ms. Elizabeth, you want to turn these lights off? We can't do the show. But you sound angry about it. Why are you angry? I'm not angry. I'm righteously indignified. Oh, okay.
00:17:23
Speaker
I'm trying to tell you, we have money flowing in because we have people paying to advertise this show. We're grateful to local business, primarily local business. Yeah. Well, it gives us money. Sometimes it's me that just buys something and then calls it a promotion.
00:17:39
Speaker
Yeah, oh yeah, Miss Elizabeth, this is why I'm doing this one. You tend to muck up these paid advertisements once in a while, so we got to do this one right. So I'm going to just say flatter. I am proud to announce today's episode of Hello, Smilton is brought to you by Park Place Batoons. And now a word from our sponsors. Yeah, real good timing there.
00:18:02
Speaker
Ladies, when it comes to a tastefully appointed home, you have exacting standards. Style, grace, and function must all work together in harmony to create that feeling of comfort and ease that should be a feature of every living space. So this one is just addressed to ladies. Like, why is it that only ladies care about style, grace, and function and all that? It's Miss Elizabeth. Why is it only ladies? I'm just wondering. Again, did you hear who the sponsor was? No. Park, place, spatoons. Okay.
00:18:31
Speaker
Yeah. I thought there was going to be a fog heart in there. The bigger question is, why aren't you listening when I'm talking? I know. I didn't hear that. I didn't hear there was Park Place spittoons. We'll leave that aside. We'll do the post-mortem on the show, Miss Elizabeth. OK, so this is Park Place spittoons only for ladies. Addressing women. Why do you think? Maybe they have something really exciting to announce. OK, but also it sounds like something that ladies wouldn't be doing. Well, that's where you're wrong. OK.
00:19:00
Speaker
It is because of your discernment, your unfailing commitment to elegance and practicality that any product you bring into your home must embody all of this with a simplicity and beauty that matches your approach to life. Yeah, you gotta be fairly cynical, Miss Elizabeth, to turn your nose up at that. Don't you feel gently flattered?
00:19:19
Speaker
Well, I can hear what he's trying to accomplish here, but I just feel like spitting into a container from a distance is ugh. Yeah. Ugh. It's not ladylike. Let me say that. I hear you. Ms. Elizabeth, spitting into the wrong container is a ugh moment. That's why you need elegance and refinement. I think we're jumping ahead here, if you don't mind.
00:19:40
Speaker
It is in this spirit that Park Place spittoons is pleased to announce its latest line of spittering, capturing solutions that will declare to the world, my salon is a place of taste and class and everyone who's anyone must be seen to be here, being seen here, being seen, presenting elegance platinum spittoons for the modern woman.
00:20:01
Speaker
Okay, I'm not sure if I even want to just be in the room while you read the rest of this copy, because I find that it raises my gag reflex really, really high up on the order of things that are happening in my brain. No kidding. Yeah. You're a woman. I'll say it, Miss Elizabeth, at least for the sake of argument, you're a woman of refinement.
00:20:19
Speaker
Okay. And the idea of guests in your salon not having an appropriately elegant receptacle for spitterings does make your stomach turn just a bit. Oh my god, you're missing the point on purpose. I feel like it's on purpose at this point. How many times have you been at a high class cocktail party, mouthful of chaw, and the juices at the point that discreetly spitting is no longer optional?
00:20:42
Speaker
Without a tasteful, well-placed platoon close by, your enjoyment of chewing tobacco threatens to become an outright liability when it comes to positioning yourself in your city or town's upper crust. Yeah, see, it's not really a high-class occupation. Stakes are high here, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. You're asserting your place in high society, and that mouthful of chaws making its demands apparent. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta have a good solution. If you are a guest- Quit!
00:21:10
Speaker
uh pardon quit quit what quit chewing um why because that would solve it that would cut it off at the past that's a funny way to solve a problem quit life's pleasures no problems it's not a pleasure i got a problem with that approach miss Elizabeth nobody's being pleased by that habit of yours if you're chewing how many chewers do we actually can we do a study
00:21:33
Speaker
How many tours do we actually have in Smileson? I would assume Park Place Spittoons has done its due diligence. They're paying for advertising. They spent the untold amount of money to create this new product line. It ain't cheap. None of this is cheap, Miss Elizabeth. If you walk into the Park Place Spittoons showroom, your head will spin when you see how much these things cost.
00:21:55
Speaker
I have been in there, and some of these items, they look like sculptures. I think people are buying them as ornaments, not expecting them to be spat in. Do you remember that time when Prank Squad X ran around town with saran wrap and covered the entrances to all of the spittoons throughout town? Do you remember what a mess that made? Oh, Miss Elizabeth, what do you do, trying to cheer me up here? That was hilarious when they did that. Yes, I do remember. And if you can remember,
00:22:24
Speaker
What a mess that left. And if the Venus de Milo spittoon had had her head all clear, the spitterings would have been safe inside. Very elegant, very clean. You're just making my point for me. So someone is spitting.
00:22:38
Speaker
Lots of people are spitting. If you are a guest, then blame the host. They are either a fool or ignorant of organizations like part place spittoons. Either way, inform them in no uncertain terms that they must rectify the spittering depositing situation soon. And in the meantime, you'll be spitting in the punch bowl. OK. No.
00:23:00
Speaker
You've got to lay it on the line, Miss Elizabeth. This is how we create and enforce social norms. We've got to hold each other accountable. If you're at a party and the salon does not provide you the appropriate spitting receptacle, into the punch bowl it goes. How about go outside?
00:23:18
Speaker
I shall not be inconvenienced as a party guest. If you are the host, then apologize to your guests with abject abasement and get yourself over to Park Place Spittoon's showroom so that no longer will your salon be spittoonless.
00:23:37
Speaker
Okay. Ladies, you wouldn't imagine a home without spittoons. And thanks to Park Place spittoons, you don't have to. Park Place spittoons, sophistication has a new name. Deposit your spinnerings with style and grace. Park Place spittoons. Right? The jingle, Miss Elizabeth. That took a lot of work together to put together.
00:23:58
Speaker
So we're going to hear it one more time. Okay. Doesn't that make you want to buy a spittoon? No. Although, excellent job on the on the the tune. I think they got more than they paid for there.
00:24:17
Speaker
OK, well, Miss Elizabeth, it's a tagline. It's a little, little zinger that's meant to stay in your head. So, dear listener friend, as you're off doing whatever you're going to do the rest of the day, that's going to be in your head. And that should drive you to come visit the showroom in Smilton, Park Place spittoons. You'll be walking out with a spittoon or two, I guarantee. OK.
00:24:34
Speaker
Old stuff, but good stuff right here on Hellos Mountain. Yeah, old stuff and kind of gross stuff. Oh, stop that. Miss Elizabeth, I I've got money burning a hole in my pocket right now. I'm going to go to Park Place Batoons, probably come out with a couple.
00:24:50
Speaker
You know, I enjoy the artwork, but we do not need to make them useful. They don't have to be practical. Ms. Elizabeth, do you know what they sell now? What? It's like a suit of armor glove, but instead of like a glove with fingers, it's just a container. It's your portable spittoon.
00:25:09
Speaker
and it's metal all the way up to the elbow. You hoist that thing, spit into it, and whatever social gathering you're at, you talk about a conversation starter, talk about an icebreaker. I think that somebody's going to look at that glove and instantly try to put their hand into it. Why would you? No, this is a man's spittoon in his own private business. Don't be sticking anything in there. Okay, but nobody can tell it's a spittoon. I'm spitting into it all night long. We put two and two together.
00:25:39
Speaker
Let's hit the radio. We're gonna tune it on in to play a song by my hard rockin' bat and smiles syndicate. Here we go. Walk the rock, walk. Let's listen.
00:27:21
Speaker
Cheers!
00:28:54
Speaker
Walk the rock, walk, fly the smiles so you can get right here on Hellos Mountain. Rock and roll. That's all it's all about. Yeah. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, it's fun. You're tottling down memory lane. And I think we're going to do it one more time. And if you don't mind, I'd like to do another pick.
00:29:02
Speaker
Like a victim
00:29:12
Speaker
No, no. I think you had some time to do a quick- Frequently exercise bad judgment when you do your picks. Oh, is that why you don't want me to? Okay. No, I'm just greedy. Okay. Well, I think that it was good to hear about what's going on around town, but I think that we also need to have some hard-hitting news.
00:29:30
Speaker
So I think it's time for some Smileton news from episode 50, which first aired on September the 18th, 2023, and was boldly entitled. I can almost foresee us continuing to do a show together. Nice listen, dear listener friend.
00:29:46
Speaker
You got to know what's going on sometimes. And if you ever are in Smilithin and you try to find out what's going on by tuning in the news, either on TV or on the radio or on the internet. All you get is international stuff and it's all like the same script. You're going to hear news people from different towns. Talking heads.
00:30:05
Speaker
saying the exact same stories, not only that Jason, with the exact same phrasing. So it's clear that somebody who knows who, some shadowy figure, has written all of this stuff and disseminated it across planet Earth.
00:30:20
Speaker
This is Ms. Elizabeth making her pitch as the righteous indie news broadcaster she is. Our local news is in a state. You can't find out what the devil's going on and the people whose job it is to do it. I'm here to help Jason. Ms. Elizabeth is going to give us the good word right now on Smileton News with Ms. Elizabeth. Good evening, Smileton. Let's talk about some news.
Strongman Event Expectations
00:30:45
Speaker
Get ready to move, heavy things.
00:30:48
Speaker
Oh, that's your headline? That's one of the headlines. There's other headlines. I understand. There's probably more than one story here. The international world's frickin' strongest man competition is coming to Smileton next week. Alright. And the sold-out event is set to grasp our dear town in a crushing bear hug and never let go. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, sing it. What a great news item.
00:31:12
Speaker
Competition founder Dutch McCutcheon was nothing if not confident that his strongman show would blow the mind of even the most ardent strength skeptic. Yeah. I mean, I don't know why you'd be a strength skeptic. If you think strongman shows are a bad idea, you turn your nose up at it, you scoff at strength, well, this show's gonna prove you wrong.
00:31:34
Speaker
Strength is admirable, Jason. You telling me? Says the competition's president. Listen up. The boys are coming to town. They're going to be picking up freaking buses. They're going to be throwing concrete around like it was styrofoam. They're going to be doing that thing with the bar thing with the bikini women hanging off of it, which is a skill unto itself, Jason, and pressing that thing to the
00:31:58
Speaker
frickin' moon, and if any of you nerdy weaklings think your precious little feelings are gonna be hurt by my musky stable of he-men coming to town, I say, pack your bags and leave. No one likes you, so get the hell outta here.
00:32:15
Speaker
Wow. Strong fighting words, Jason. Salesmen. Even though I question the use of the phrase musky stable of he-men. I like that phrase. If you're going to be buying a ticket, dear listener friend on the secondary market, I suggest you sit closer to the back.
00:32:30
Speaker
Yeah, because if you do get close, you will discover that that is accurate advertisement right there. They are musky. This reporter is always changed when you change the way you think about it and whether something's a good idea or not. I'm reconsidering my enthusiasm now, Miss Elizabeth. This reporter is always up for exciting displays of athleticism, but with some of her friends trending towards the nerdy side, you say that again.
00:32:55
Speaker
Don't be unkind about that. I can't say that McCutcheon's words have me too enthused just because of what they're saying about the nerds. Yeah, get the hell out of here, nerds. I'm all for strength, but also can't we also have brains? Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, of course. Brains are not in the equation here. This is not what we're talking about here. Brains are not in the equation. I think they always should be.
00:33:20
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, we're talking about a strongman competition here. Of course there's brains involved. What do you think's powering those muscles? But you don't have to be mean to the Brainiacs, though. Uh, doesn't hurt. At the same time. Brighten up that canola field, you wonderful bridge.
00:33:34
Speaker
Do you write these headlines or do you have an intern write them? Well, I do have some help. Yeah, get new help, because ouch. That was a bad one. Oh, really? Yeah, you don't have to. Yeah, it makes me feel like turning the channel. Smilton Town Council, always on the lookout for innovative ways to improve the lives of the citizenry of our dear town, passed an exciting motion at last week's council meeting, which has local egg painters buzzing.
00:34:01
Speaker
Do you count yourself among egg painters there, Jason? I've done it occasionally, Miss Elizabeth, yes. So you're one of them, okay. Mayor Patti Pepper held a press conference following the session during which she outlined an exciting plan to make our thrilling Big Sky Bridge even more thrilling.
00:34:19
Speaker
She said, I'm pleased to announce that a Smilton landmark is about to get a makeover. The Big Sky Bridge, which has already become an iconic tourist attraction for our town, is going to be getting some TLC from local Smilton and painters. You were talking about musk earlier. I think I smell something different now. Paint. Boondoggle.
00:34:40
Speaker
Okay, the intricate patterns these craftspeople apply to eggs at Easter time are going to be applied to the bridge to make it the most eye-catching art installation in the entire Tri-town area. Oh, sounds like a delightful community project. I assume it's all based on volunteer work and not one cent of town money is going to be spent on it. Good story, Miss Elizabeth.
00:35:02
Speaker
on behalf of town council i'm proud to announce public funding will be supporting this wonderful endeavor to the tune of 350 million dollars of course which is a very good deal good deal that is yeah that's very economical for for the amount of very
00:35:21
Speaker
Intricate painting delicate. Jason, high-quality paints need to be applied. You don't know how hard this is. How many egg painting artisans do you think we have in Smilaton? I don't think that they even have 350. You can barely fit them. Let's say we did have 350. That's a million dollars a person. Okay, fire up those little wax pens, Smilaton. That bridge is now your canvas, or should I say, your eggshell.
00:35:47
Speaker
Additional investigation by this reporter has uncovered that Pepper Fine Arts Supply will be supplying the little wax pens for free. Oh, that's though. We got to pay for those pens. Well, they're not cheap and they are good for outdoor and indoor use and they're light fast. $350 million. And they blend incredibly well for those gradients. I bet you could pay
00:36:09
Speaker
What, a tenth of that or less to a demolition company to get rid of that bridge once and for all and stop the madness? The bridge itself is a boondoggle. It's over a canola field. It goes nowhere to nowhere. Jason, you are yourself an egg painter. Are you ready to get painting on that bridge? No, I'm not Miss Elizabeth. Once again, I'm part of the Betterment Society. I'm here to make the town better, not worse. Egg painters, keep your distance.
00:36:32
Speaker
Well, I mean, you could be getting some of that nice funding, though, too, if you did that. Yeah, I'm gonna suck one at the public heat, Miss Elizabeth. Tense scene downtown.
Gummy Cola Bottle Panic
00:36:41
Speaker
Oh, okay. There's a new headline for you. I've been keeping my eye on a developing story in the downtown area. Oh, okay. Well, hit us, Miss Elizabeth. This is breaking news.
00:36:51
Speaker
It's breaking and important for you, Jason, because I know you are interested in this this topic here. Suites for the Sweet Suites shop. Smilton's premier candy store has been the scene of confusion and anger since last Tuesday. It's a powder keg.
00:37:08
Speaker
I know that you are connected with this story, Jason. Rumors began to swirl in the town that the supply of gummy cola bottles was running perilously low, and frenzied residents stormed the store to snap up any remaining stock. That's right. I think you were among those people. I was frenzied, to be sure. Fires, garbage cans hurled through the windows, and brawls galore have kept police busy for days. Yeah.
00:37:36
Speaker
Well, you can't blame people. The Gummy Cola bottles are a staple here. You need to calm down. No, no, no. You keep the supply of the gummies flowing. Things are fine. We're copacetic. You cut that off. People start crawling the walls, Ms. Elizabeth. Okay. I'm here now using my influence as a trusted reporter to say to these worried protesters, including you, Jason, right in front of me, relax. Relax.
00:38:04
Speaker
Where's the supply, Miss Elizabeth? A double tractor trailer load of gummy cola bottles is currently heading to the store and will be here soon to answer your question. Thank goodness for that. A birdie told me that the truck, and I'm talking about bird, bird flew over. That psychopathic parrot you like? Who hates me? He's a good friend of mine. He's not psychopathic and he's very good at finding information. He's untrustworthy at the very least.
00:38:28
Speaker
Well, he told me that the truck had been spotted driving through Pickle Hills not 15 minutes ago as the parrot flies. It should be at the store now as we speak. Tension defused, Jason. Oh, well, you've just saved the town, haven't you? I think that's one way to save the town. That better be true, Ms. Elizabeth. That will decompress these hopped up people. That is a new story that will help to better society, don't you think? Oh, yeah. You just effortlessly made the town better, didn't you?
00:38:57
Speaker
I did, turning now to the world of sports. Let's run down the scores for the Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey League. The jolly jackals feasted on the bones of Smilton multi-denominational faith league, felling their spiritual brethren 15 to 2.
00:39:17
Speaker
Yeah, that became difficult to watch after a little while. The Faith League were just getting snowed under. The Jolly Jackals were feasting. You had that right there. They couldn't stop laughing. It was a disgraceful display, actually, because I don't know where this Faith League came from, but they were utterly inept at street hockey. It's like they've never played before. It's like they haven't really discussed their game together because they are multi-denominational. No, they were arguing about what kind of defensive, like what kind of
00:39:43
Speaker
defensive strategy to use and they couldn't agree who was playing, like it was stupid. Most of the game there was one center, two right wing, nobody on the left. They have philosophical differences, Jason. They gotta get their act together. The Jennifer Conleys fell behind early and came roaring back to beat the Kickapoo kids at the buzzer. Three to two. Close call, Jason. Typical Kickapoo kids, Ms. Elizabeth. They start strong and the seniors know how to play hockey. They're wiry.
00:40:09
Speaker
They are, but those games can run a little long sometimes, and they start running out of gas in the third period, and the Jennifer Connellies waited for the moment to strike. Yeah, and they succeeded. I can't hate the Jennifer Connellies. They're a flagship organization in this league, but Kickapoo Kids, you got a feel for them. This game is still a full 60. It doesn't matter how much you like seniors dancing. This is a different kind of dancing, and you better be able to dance your socks off.
00:40:36
Speaker
The flapjack freakazoids made a laughing stock out of the smiling green grocers, sending them home stinging from a 19 to nothing blowout. Oh, Ms. Elizabeth, I was laughing so hard at this. You know, I felt bad for the- What's up with the smiling green grocers? Oh, they show up in their aprons and they're, oh, how are you today? Oh, how are, like, they're just so polite and friendly. And meanwhile, the flapjacks are just going around on like pylons. It was hilarious. Some of them didn't even have sticks, Ms. Elizabeth. They were just like, it was like they thought they were at work or something.
00:41:05
Speaker
You know what one problem is, I think, with the smiling green grocer is too much smiling, not enough practice at work bagging things, such as bagging the tennis ball into the net. Exactly, Mr. Elizabeth. If they were bagging groceries there, because they're not allowed to bag groceries anymore, because everybody in their store has to bag their own groceries now.
00:41:25
Speaker
Oh, Ms. Elizabeth, I can't get into grocery store politics now. What I will say is if the smiling green grocers should stop worrying about their smiles so much and focus more on ruining the smiles of their opponents.
00:41:36
Speaker
That's a good point, Jason. The Smilton Exotic Dancers Federation's vaunted penalty kill was nowhere in sight as the sputtering power play of the monkey spankers suddenly came to life, driving the spankers to a 4-1 victory. Surprise. The pundits had this one completely wrong, Miss Elizabeth. That power play. And it felt good. Miss Elizabeth, spare me. Spare me your street hockey jokes.
00:42:05
Speaker
When you're up against the Smough and Exotic Dancers Federation, you know you got to make sure that power play you have is fine-tuned, because that shutdown penalty kill, nothing's getting through there. And the Monkey Spankers did great. The Monkey Spankers are kind of a joke. But they succeeded in this case. Yeah, I know. They were giddy and jumping around, and they got a four-to-one victory, but I dare those punks to try that funny business again. I don't think that if they played that game over, it wouldn't be the same result.
00:42:33
Speaker
the smile syndicate cool dudes okay let's just skip this one did their reputation no favors being on the wrong end of a 31 how do you get to 31 to 2 trouncing at the hands of the don't taze me bros
00:42:46
Speaker
Yeah, I've got very little to say about this game. The Smile Syndicate Cool Dudes is, of course, the team that's based right here in Smile Syndicate HQ, where we bring you this show. It's me, not Miss Elizabeth. She's on another team. And me and the Stumble Bum interns here. It's literally the game who couldn't shoot straight.
00:43:04
Speaker
Yeah, they just need more practice. Miss Elizabeth, with these goofs, when they're here at Smile Syndicate HQ, they can't pass each other in the hallway without bumping into each other, knocking stuff down. The worst stumblebumps you ever saw, utterly inept. They don't listen to instructions. They don't understand how to play street hockey. And it's our name out there being dragged through the mud. What a disgrace. 31 to 2 people were gobsmacked at that result.
00:43:29
Speaker
Better luck next time, Jason. That's one of the worst, that's one of the worst drubbings in the history of the league. It's pretty bad. And finally, I've just been handed a bulletin. Oh, well, out with it, the news is breaking. You got to break into it. News is breaking. OK. Worried would-be gummy cola bottles purchasers gathered at the Suites for the Suites Suites shop have attacked a double tractor trailer loaded with what turned out to be, uh-oh, real cola bottles.
00:43:59
Speaker
Okay, that bird gets the story. Of course, once again, that bird, causing trouble, can't get his story straight. They're not gummy cola bottles, they're real bottles. It must have just been a Coca-Cola truck. Miss Elizabeth, that's a disaster. Yeah, enraged citizens have torn the trailers apart and have hurled the cola bottles around the scene. Oh, Miss Elizabeth. So unfortunate. Explosions of soda all over the street. What a fiasco. This town's going to explode.
00:44:29
Speaker
Smileton Swat, a group of fans of the 1970s cop show Swat, have rushed to the scene in their homemade costumes and are reportedly being beaten senseless by their candy-deprived neighbors. It's a mad scene. Leave it to you to turn it into a feel-good story.
00:44:52
Speaker
You said Smilton Swat. I thought you were going to be referring to an actual police enforcement agency that would go down there and restore order. But no, it's a bunch of cosplay goons going down there, seeing their opportunity for some kind. It's cosplay for sure. Having their keisters handed to them by them. Yeah, they didn't seem to have a plan. And it's a mad scene. Yeah, no one has a plan there. Oh, boy. I've got to get down there, Jason. Looks like people need my help. And they need me to go over there and do some firsthand reporting. Talk some sense into the crazed rioters, Miss Elizabeth.
00:45:20
Speaker
Yeah, or I'll have to join the SWAT team and help to bring them to victory. Yeah, you gotta help them, because I think some of them are going to need some medical attention. Yeah, that's it for this edition of the Smilton News. I'm Miss Elizabeth, good night, out of sight. Chaos and pandemonium gripping the town, but the way that ended is hilarious, Miss Elizabeth. I might have to go down and keep my distance and just have a good guffaw at some other people's expense. Smilton News, fresh as a daisy, right here on Hello, Smilton.
00:45:48
Speaker
If you're a listener friend, think of what just happened. You heard a newscast from months ago. And it's still relevant today. Would you even think of recording the news and watching it a week from now? You wouldn't, but Smile 2 News is different. It's that much more informative. We need to be watching a lot more news reruns because that's when some of the greatest hits happened. Exactly. Speaking of greatest hits, let's play one more song by the Smile Syndicate. Theme from the Smile Syndicate. Let's do it.
00:48:52
Speaker
I just was hoping and this may be too much pressure and if so just let me know. But Easter is coming up and can we please have a song about a hippity hoppity bunny?
00:49:04
Speaker
You're putting in an order for a song? Is that what I'm hearing? It doesn't have to be hip-hop, but just if the bunny is hippity-hoppity. Holy cow. If you want to put me off ever writing another song again, hip-hop Easter song is just the ticket. Maybe not country. It could be disco. I know you like disco. What about a disco hippity-hoppity bunny? Okay, I'll throw it on the pile. Okay.
00:49:27
Speaker
Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. We had a little bit of fun. We're going to have even more fun next week when we're back with another episode of Hello Smilton. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth.
00:49:38
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word. Make a difference. So it's Bye-Bye from Jason. Bye-Bye. And Bye-Bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sub is a jig box.