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E79 · Hello, Smileton
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40 Plays9 months ago

Yup, the results are back and the vim and vigor of this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON are off the freakin' charts.

Miss Elizabeth and Jason are positively busting to deliver another batch of piping hot comedy and original music  goodies.

From hearing about how to plan your social calendar by hitting all the Smileton hotspots in AROUND TOWN to hearing about a proud Smileton small business who is kind enough to sponsor this show and, believe me, that 50 bucks goes a long way here, you're gonna be immersed in the wondrous hilarity of life in Smileton.

And, what if I told you, you were gonna be able to turn your life in a wonderful new direction? Success is headed your way this month and it's all because of the ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE. Listen to the truth nugges burbling up from Jason's Inner Mind and be astounded at their accuracy and veracity! Your life changes NOW.

Throw in a couple of songs by Smileton's hardest rocking middling band THE SMILE SYNDICATE and you've got fully featured entertainment, equipped for the 21st century.

HELLO, SMILETON. Listening Is Just The Beginning.


Show Timestamps:

3:25 Around Town

12:55 Paid Advertisement – Lovercraft Hovercraft Piloting Schools of Smileton

18:02 SONG – Dirt Bike

20:55 Accuscope Horoscope

35:41 SONG – Boogie Blizzard

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Transcript

Introduction and Host Welcome

00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smilton! Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smilton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason! This is Elizabeth. Thank you so much. Boy, oh boy, the studio audience here with us in Smilton to get HQ is revved up. Thunderous applause. I can't, I can't take the pressure. I know. That kind of reception means they expect us to perform.
00:00:30
Speaker
I think it's going to happen today. Well, I should hope so. Dear listener friend, you picked a good show to be joining us

Audience Tension and Smilton Fight Club

00:00:37
Speaker
on. So thanks for doing such a thing. Yeah, we've got tips. We've got tricks. We got everything under the rainbow here for you. Total entertainment nonstop. That's what that's why we call the show we do. How to be in smile tent.
00:00:51
Speaker
Hello, Smileton. I wish, we got lots of fun coming ahead, but I wish I could let this go without making a comment, but I can't. Miss Elizabeth, I can't. Not in good conscience, I can't. Are you gonna complain? Oh my goodness, I think you need to calm down. Forget it, not when, Miss Elizabeth.
00:01:07
Speaker
When you tell me to calm down and there is injustice, I say no to you and I point my finger accusingly at the injustice perpetrators and I say, knock it off. Okay. Well, what am I talking about? Studio audience.
00:01:22
Speaker
Yeah. They applauded us rapturously, and that's appreciated, but now you're back on my bad books, because I see what you're up to up there. This was with you. Dear listener friend, if you've listened to this show with any kind of regularity, you know what kind of trouble I have with the studio audience here. They don't pay attention. They don't have the show's best interest in heart. They're here to do everything except pay attention to the show. It's off-putting. It's a positive hindrance to the successful delivery of our capering.
00:01:49
Speaker
I think they're doing just fine. They're happy that we're here performing. Yeah, they're happy because they're doing whatever they want and it hurts the show. So that's why I decided for this episode to kind of, best defense is a little bit of in your face offense. Okay. So I had a bunch of my buddies come on down from the Smilton Fight Club. Oh, oh my goodness. You see them up there. They're the ones in the baby blue T's. Yeah. The Smilton Fight Club on those T-shirts. Okay.
00:02:13
Speaker
And I see what's happening up there, and they're getting bullied, Miss Elizabeth. They're being bullied by the ne'er-do-wells in our studio audience that I say, you fiends, you knock it off. What kind of shabby person laughs while they bully people? Well, I mean, I think the Fight Club was here to bully. Foul display. I thought one of the first rules of Fight Club was don't wear your Fight Club t-shirt out in public. Why would you get t-shirts printed up if you weren't going to wear them?
00:02:41
Speaker
Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, you got it. Dealing with your mental problems is not on my agenda today because you got to screw loose and I can tell already. I'm looking at you and if you don't settle down up there in the studio audience, the fire hose is coming out and you're going to be washed out of here like ragdolls, which is what you deserve. Fight club. Dawn, don't cry.
00:03:03
Speaker
They made Donny cry, Miss Elizabeth. Well, yeah, he shouldn't have started, you know, making a ruckus. He does, yeah. Miss Elizabeth, you know, the Fight Club is always getting blamed for ruckuses and they

Cultural Exchange and Local Events

00:03:14
Speaker
never started. Just sit down and enjoy the show. It's a good one. It's a humdinger. Okay, yeah, let's enjoy the show. Let's enjoy delivering it. Dear listener friends, sit back and open up those ear holes. Let's do it.
00:03:25
Speaker
Smilton, busy town. It might not be the biggest town in the world, but there is a lot going on in this community, so much so that if you have a free afternoon or a free evening, you might be wondering what to do. You're probably going to be drowning in choices. You'll be paralyzed, choice paralysis, and then you'll end up doing nothing. And what kind of waste of time is that? So we're stepping in to help you. We're going to give you a guide to what's happening around town.
00:03:53
Speaker
A cultural exchange group from Kenya will be touring Smiles in all this week and Connie's Kettle is hosting a reception. So join me, Connie, and Tiffany the blacksmith, Mr. Cherry's the algebra solving horse, Grady the goat,
00:04:13
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth. Oscar the sports betting dog and bird. Miss Elizabeth, what are you doing? As we welcome our friends and show them how wonderful our dear little town is. Stop by gravity and exchange some culture. People coming from a distant part of the world. Kenya's kind of far away from Smileton, Miss Elizabeth. They're coming in. They don't know what they're expecting and what you're presenting with. A tea toadland petting zoo. A sampler of what Smileton is all about.
00:04:51
Speaker
that you're going to present these visitors to our small town. You're going to present them with a goat, a dog. Not any goats. Why don't Grady the goat? He'll wow him. I know he will. He can sell those integral calculus problems like nobody in business. Oscar the sports betting dog can show off his diamond studded collar because of how much he wins betting on sports. That's right. That's a skewed view of our town. You hardly have any humans at this thing.
00:05:05
Speaker
And a great big fat welcome to all y'all.
00:05:16
Speaker
Well, no, we have plenty of humans. We've got me. Yeah. We've got Connie. Yeah. Tiffany the blacksmith. And that's it. Well, I mean, it's in a mall. I'm going to intercept these people from Kenya. Would you like to join us?
00:05:30
Speaker
Not with Bird there, I don't. Why not? Because he'll swear at me. Well, that's just what- Because he's a sociopath. He hates my guts. It's not because- Somebody trained him. He doesn't hate you because he's a sociopath. He hates you because you are mean to him. I'm not ever mean to him. You are mean to him. You should see how polite I am when I go in there. I don't think you're polite. I am very polite. My teeth may be gritted, but it is politeness that's coming out of my mush.
00:05:56
Speaker
Okay, well Cram that bird Kenyan people pick some other town to visit if that's where you're gonna zero in on a completely screwball idea Okay, it's a party at Connie's cattle Kenyon's invited. Okay. Well, everybody's invited surely Let's okay. Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, that's something to be avoided.

Charity Event Dispute

00:06:17
Speaker
Yeah, where are you gonna be? I'm gonna try something different. Okay, I'm gonna mix things up I'm gonna go down to the Smilton roller rink and
00:06:24
Speaker
Oh, I have a feeling that will be entertaining if you aren't gonna put on the rollers. I am gonna don a disguise. And I'm gonna lead my smile syndicate cool dudes street hockey team into battle against the wide rhino boys. Miss Elizabeth, I see already your head spinning. Yeah, cuz why are you in disguise?
00:06:42
Speaker
they don't let me in that place. That's right. Yeah, that's right. If you knew why I'd like to know because I supported the refurbishing of the Smilton roller rink. They had their grand opening and they announced it on this show and they said no uncertain terms. Smilton, everyone is invited except Jason. Well, I just know that you're not. No explanation. Yeah. Well, I think there is a reason. What? I don't know what the reason is, but I do know your picture is very largely printed on the front desk there. Don't let this guy in. Yeah.
00:07:13
Speaker
So did you bounce a check? I didn't bounce it. Miss Elizabeth, I did nothing to that organization. I supported their goals and this is how they repay me. A slap in the face. Okay. So that's what hence the disguise. Thanks for dragging me down, Miss Elizabeth. You're going to put on like a wig and a beard. Yes. And a tutu. What kind of.
00:07:34
Speaker
Well, that is not a costume, Miss Elizabeth. I think it is. I mean, that is a costume. It's not a disguise, and that's what I'm after here. Why isn't it a disguise? Big sunglasses, fake mustache, fake beard, probably some kind of weird scarf. That's enough of a disguise. Okay, so you're gonna be like a Where's Waldo, but like a Where's Jason? My disguise is not... My disguise is not the point.
00:07:59
Speaker
The point is we're going to play street hockey on roller skates. Have you ever heard something so crazy? It sounds fun. It's a wild idea. It does sound crazy. This is going to be unprecedented. This is evolving street hockey. And a guy on the wide rhino boys told me that they're going to show up a little bit lit.
00:08:22
Speaker
And they're just going to focus on having fun. That tells me, me and the cool dudes might have a fighting chance of victory here. Well, okay. Well, look out, because sometimes when people are relaxed, they get the most done. And sometimes when you're uptight. No, I don't want that to be true, because if they're even halfway competent, the wide rhino buoys are going to spank us. Okay. Well, that could happen.
00:08:42
Speaker
No, thank you. Just have it in your on your radar Okay, whatever this Saturday night Smiles and roller rink witness history Okay, come on down to Harvester Square this Sunday afternoon at 1 30 to see me and 149 other cycling enthusiasts get on these Smiles and big bike.

Fight Club Workshop Announcement

00:09:05
Speaker
Oh, I hate that thing
00:09:06
Speaker
and pedal our way through town for charity. A big bike. A big bike and charity. Traffic snarl on wheels. Jason, you have never seen such a huge bike. This bike has got it all room for 150 peddlers, a lounge, and a spa to take a nice break from all that peddling so you can walk around in that thing. I know. It's ridiculous. You can get a massage if you're tired. Yeah.
00:09:34
Speaker
It's like a little building on wheels. Yeah, what is it doing on the street? It's like a huge cabin. Charity. It's charming and fun. I love how you think charity's a bulletproof vest. You're causing trouble in the town. Hey, I'm just doing it for charity. Oh, my mistake. Continue blocking traffic. Charming and fun and helps others. Sounds like you're talking about me there, Jason.
00:09:57
Speaker
Huh? There you go. Baffling. I wasn't talking about you. I was complaining about something and half listening to you. Okay, Miss Elizabeth, we got to move on. That made no sense at all. I am. Well, I will say I was more excited to announce this before I witnessed that pitiful display up in the studio, up in our studio audience earlier. Fight Club.
00:10:16
Speaker
But anyways, it's Mountain Fight Club hosting a how to fight workshop this Thursday night. We'll be meeting at the back. Okay, wait a minute. Aren't you supposed to not announce Fight Club? Who told you that? I thought that one of the first rules of Fight Club, don't mention Fight Club. Okay, so what you're telling me is we should spend time assembling.
00:10:36
Speaker
organizing, doing all the necessary legwork, procuring a space, getting a business license, getting a cash box, mimeographing some advertisements. We will go through all this work and setting up an organization and not tell anyone about it. No advertisements. Give your head a shake. Of course we're going to tell people about the Fight Club. What's the point otherwise? Well, I don't know. You might get

Lovercraft Hovercraft Advert

00:10:59
Speaker
in trouble. Okay. They're going to teach us how to fight.
00:11:02
Speaker
okay all yeah one and all titanic telescopes store in the stock room 730 learn how to fight how to bring the fight and how to be fighted that's a good store by the way you can maybe pick yourself up a titanic telescope at the same time i'm not fine i'm not going to spend money there miss lisabeth i'm going to join my brethren to teach people how to fight lots of fighting taught by people
00:11:25
Speaker
I thought we're experts, Ms. Elizabeth. I don't know quite frankly after the display here, you'd figure a fight club showing up starting to get some static from narrative levels in the audience. They would just let the fist start flying and not cowering and turtling and crying. So are you looking for fight lessons or are you providing fight lessons? We're providing. You're providing fight lessons. Yeah. That surprises me. Come on down, I guess. OK. I don't know why it surprises you. I'll be there. Can you fight? Can I? Ms. Elizabeth, do you want to start something? I've never seen it.
00:11:55
Speaker
I've just never seen a successful fight. Hey. Hey, uh, hey, big army man. You have a nuclear bomb? I've never seen you set it off. Uh, listen. Okay, really? Listen to me. Okay. It's in the arsenal. Okay, it's in the arsenal. T-minus, uh, whatever. Sounds good. Can I join? Join what, the Fight Club? Yeah.
00:12:28
Speaker
That's what you do. I will bring more people to fight club. I will promote Thanks, no, thanks, okay, this has been around town
00:12:41
Speaker
I just had a little, you know, I started off, you know, even apart from what happened in the studio audience there, I was feeling positive. Yeah. I had a good vibe coming into this and the eyes twitching. Yeah, your eyes twitching. A little bit of vexation. It is. Are you OK? I'm fine. But what might clear my senses a little bit is a paid advertisement from a Smilton small business. Miss Elizabeth Smilton does its bit. It supports this show. 50 bucks behind the toilet. 75 now. 75. Price has gone up.
00:13:10
Speaker
Oh, brother. 75 bucks behind the toilet, third floor of the Smile Public Library. You scrawl whatever message you want read on this show. Even if it's on toilet paper, we will read it as is. 75 bucks gets the job done. OK, Miss Elizabeth, who's some caveats? Who's no caveats? Who's sponsoring the show today? Well, today's episode of Hello, Smileton is brought to you by Lovercraft Hovercraft Piloting Schools of Smileton. Becoming a hovercraft pilot has never been easier.
00:13:39
Speaker
It's pretty easy to be a hovercraft pilot but you do have to get your license.
00:13:43
Speaker
I would dissuade anyone listening from even entertaining such a notion. We have enough of those in town.
00:14:13
Speaker
There's the game, the trap, and the mouse nibbles the cheese. Yeah, because you want it. And away we go. That's right, because you want a Lovercraft. And then if you want to drive it, you got to get a license. OK, this guy, this Jim, he saunters into town one day with this huge Hovercraft, knocking stuff over, knocking over mailboxes, Belgian black smoke out of those huge smokestacks. It's the loudest Hovercraft you ever saw. Being awesome.
00:14:39
Speaker
I don't think disturbing the piece is awesome. Listen, I think I should just continue reading this advertisement because it is paid. 75 bucks, I'll shut my app for 30 seconds. Piloting a hovercraft is fun, easy, and just a knockout. Imagine driving a car, but it not mattering where you drive. Yeah, no kidding.
00:14:57
Speaker
Road, field, swamp, ocean. Your craft will glide you over top of all that stuff. It's smooth sailing once you get your hovercrafting license from me, Jim and Lovercraft Hovercraft, piloting schools of Smilton.
00:15:14
Speaker
Our trained instructors will show you how to start your hovercraft, how to make those air things fill up, and how to steer. And that's it. The rest is fun. And I know I don't need to teach you that. Oh, boy. What are your pants? Thanks, Jim.
00:15:30
Speaker
What are you paying for? What do you mean for a license? He doesn't know anything about hovercrafts. No, you need to know how to fill up those air things. The air things. I'm sure that some vocabulary might be involved. You got to pay extra for vocab. Don't believe me. Take a look at this guy. His name is Zeke.
00:15:48
Speaker
And who is he talking? Take a look at this. Take a look at Zeke, Jason. And he's about the worst driver you ever saw, crashed into everything, flipped the car twice a week and three times on Sunday, sober as a stone and just a complete menace behind the wheel. Well, I took this guy and I turned him into an ace hovercraft pilot over just one weekend.
00:16:12
Speaker
If you see a garishly painted hovercraft named P-Wagon bopping around town, just wave hello to Zeke and he may blast that deafening air horn back at you to say howdy right back. Thank you for the cleaned up version of the name of that hovercraft, Miss Elizabeth. P-Wagon. That made me snicker. I'll admit it.
00:16:31
Speaker
Yeah. You know, you can get a little saucy once you have your license. Jason. I get licensed to do whatever you want. Do you want to be like Zeke? No. Then sign up today at one of our eight locations scattered around Smiles in eight locations, Jason. I hear you. You can't miss us. It's the training school that hovers. That's right. Each of our locations is itself a hovercraft and they move around a little too much. Hovercrafting is so much fun.
00:17:00
Speaker
We gotta edit these things, Miss Elizabeth. Jim's having too good a time here. It's got to the point. I think it did. That's Lovercraft Hovercraft Piloting Schools of Smileton. I'm Jim, and I'm looking to get you piloting that big old hovercraft today. Come on down and get that license. Let's go, Red Wings!
00:17:20
Speaker
No hockey shoutouts here. That was a hockey shoutout? I thought it was- Destroy red wings, the only team you can talk about here is the Oilers. Okay. Oh, okay, yes, because we're pro-oilers. Yeah. Okay. Are the Oilers hitting the playoffs this year? Yes. Did they clinch it? Yes. Oh, okay. Silence yourself, Miss Elizabeth. You'll bring bad luck upon the boys. Okay, we shouldn't have said, let's go red wings, but- You shouldn't have. We had to save because they paid us. We can face them in the cup.
00:17:47
Speaker
Yeah, we'll have to face him in the cup. Time to turn on. Smiled in radio.

Musical Performance: 'Dirt Bike'

00:17:51
Speaker
I gotta listen to some music to clear my head out. All right, here we go. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I found something good. I hope it's good. Dirt bike. Let's listen.
00:18:19
Speaker
Listen to my dirt bike. Hear the music. Dirt bike. Cooking good on dirt bike. Hop a wheelie, dirt bike. When I need to get around, I'll just cruise into the town. Dirt bike. I'm gonna use my dirt bike. Dirt bike. I'm gonna use my dirt bike.
00:19:04
Speaker
Dirt bike, you gotta love my dirt bike Dirt bike, you gotta love my dirt bike
00:19:43
Speaker
Goodbye, pretty on a... Goodbye, everybody! Goodbye, all aboard upon my... Goodbye, thrilling on my... Goodbye, buried on my... Goodbye, buried with my... Goodbye! If you want to know the way down the road, you'll trust your day! On two wheels, you're in a groove! Guess it'll be time to move! Goodbye!

Horoscope Comedy Segment

00:20:23
Speaker
dirt bike by the smile syndicate right here on hello smile it was good and you know it's dirt bike weather right now it is it is spring's here and dear listener friend get off your arse go to spotify go to amazon music or whatever google play or youtube music or whatever the devil's streaming service you listen to look up the smile syndicate there's many songs to listen to more than 50 more than 50 less than 100
00:20:50
Speaker
For now. For now. Get on there, pick a song, listen, and your life will change for the better. Speaking of which, Miss Elizabeth, it's that time of the month. Time for some guidance. Yeah. Time for a little bit of uncanny future prognostication. Yeah. All courtesy, my inner mind. Your inner ear, which is slightly infected and has been for years.
00:21:11
Speaker
Wrong? Wrong and wrong again, Miss Elizabeth. This is my inner mind, the depths of my subconscious, that nugget, that truth nugget generator called the human id. It sends offense messages and I catch them. They slither up through the goo.
00:21:29
Speaker
then they pop out and they're like yeah yeah as they hit the atmosphere they're begging to be caught in the butterfly net oh my goodness and held up to the light where they burst into a ball of energy that conveys a future prognostication to me this was what that's what happens in my brain
00:21:46
Speaker
I don't know how your brain works. Probably not nearly as interesting. It sounds like an infection. That's all I'm gonna say. It has nothing to do with infections. It has everything to do with giving you, dear listener friend, the guide you need to steer a proper path through the upcoming months. So let's get going here. Let's do it. The first one is Aries, March 21st, April 19th.
00:22:04
Speaker
I'll read these out and you can just tell me which ones to read out. And I'll say it wasn't how true that was. So we wrote these down or somehow they get written down. Yeah, unbidden from my id and I record them, I write them down and provide them to you. Like some kind of Nostradamus. Yes! Okay. Now you're getting it.
00:22:22
Speaker
Every time I go to your place and we go downstairs, I always get startled when I turn the corner because of that stupid stuffed snowy owl that you've got mounted there. Please move that thing, or better yet, get rid of it. Hmm, I don't think that's a prognostication. I think that was a fail.
00:22:42
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, do you think I'm going to listen to the slings and arrows coming from the mouth of an amateur? You got another thing coming. All right. You wouldn't know future prognostication if it came up and gave you a postcard from the future.
00:22:59
Speaker
That is obviously, these prognostications come at different grains, different levels of detail. This one is a pretty clear instruction how to improve your life by cleaning up your act a little bit, Aries. Get rid of that owl. It startles me. You get rid of that owl. It sounds like something had happened in the past.
00:23:17
Speaker
yeah get rid of it so it doesn't happen in the future okay but that's not a prognostication it is that's more like planning okay here's the prognostication Aries your life will be better and my nerves will be better if you get rid of the effing snowy owl okay torus april 20th to may 20th
00:23:32
Speaker
This is a weird one. For the gents. Actually, do listen to the haters. Turns out, they aren't actually haters, but sensible people who think your plan to hitchhike around Europe this summer isn't the greatest idea because with that beard you look like freakin' Sasquatch. And no one's gonna wanna pick you up looking like that.
00:23:52
Speaker
cutting right to it Taurus that's only for the gents right there's also a for the ladies prognostication right let's talk about Sasquatch Taurus shave the beard you're not getting anywhere fast with that thing it's an unkempt shaggy mess
00:24:08
Speaker
You see those Europeans driving around, those little cars, they're all clean and tidy. You're not going to want to let a creep like you in there with that huge Sasquatch beard. You can't have a fuzzy outline. You have to have a very crisp and clean outline. Fail yourself of a Swiss barber. Get that beard cut off and then do the European trip properly.
00:24:29
Speaker
Alright, for the ladies, you're gonna be bafflingly lucky for the next two weeks or so, so make sure that you parlay that into becoming a billionaire. Heads up. That is a good idea, and it's only for Tori. Tori's ladies, if you have a little gumption, you're gonna be uncannily lucky, so get scraped together every cent you have, go down to the track,
00:24:52
Speaker
Put it all on the horse that you think is lucky. You will quadruple your money and then you imagine doing that a hundred times over. You won't even be able to count the money. Money won't even mean anything to you anymore. You'll start paying people $10,000 to do something dumb. Oh, you're going to be living the life, Taurus. And if you ever feel free to pass some money this way because of this good advice I gave you, I tip my hat to you, lady. Oh my goodness. Okay. Hands out then, I guess.
00:25:22
Speaker
It's all this Elizabeth. I just gave I just gave the key to the bank vault You can tip you can tip the bellhop on your way out. By the way, you can tip this show It's pretty easy. Just find the website and find the button and then tip us. Yeah, pay up for God's. Yeah Listen all this information we're giving out for free. It's like two steps. It's easy. Jesus Gemini May 21st June 20th
00:25:45
Speaker
You will commit to some serious me-time this month. Unfortunately, it will end with a trip to the emergency room and a baffling explanation as to why your hands are superglued together. Yeah, that's skipping the middle of the story and I don't even want to hear what the middle is there. Okay, so Gemini, just stay away from the superglue if you can, but you can't. It's a prognostication. It's going to happen. Okay, too bad. Yeah, I'm glad I'm not a Gemini.
00:26:12
Speaker
How do your hands end up stuck together? That's what I want to know. While browsing an antique shop this month, you'll playfully jump into a trunk to entertain your companions. The trunk will fall closed with you in it and you will hear your panicked friends take off!
00:26:33
Speaker
What kind of friends are those? Indeed. Next thing you know, you're gonna be jostled, you're hearing jet engines. Hours later, the trunk will open and you'll find yourself in a bazaar in the middle of Casablanca or something. Not sure what happens next because I've got my own problems and I'm pretty sure you'll figure it out, Cancer.
00:26:52
Speaker
Wow. That's neat. That's like a super adventure. Cancer. The world's your oyster. That's your setup. What do you do in your own story? What an amazing thing to have happen to Cancer this month. Is that like a magic trunk or is that just a trunk that got picked up and taken a Casablanca?
00:27:14
Speaker
Casablanca. Friends were no help but maybe you'll thank them in the end because you don't even know what kind of world of adventure you just got yourself into. I think you know you spend a lot of money on a ticket to Casablanca these days. This is a freebie. This one's free. Maybe you can sell it to somebody. Maybe they have an adventure and then it ends with them getting back in the trunk next thing they know they're back home. Interesting. Leo, July 23rd to August 22nd. That German tutor you hired is a fraud.
00:27:41
Speaker
the stuff coming out of your mouth doesn't sound like German at all you're coming off a little ridiculous here yeah but wait a minute you say it doesn't sound like German because it isn't you don't say it isn't huh it might
00:27:56
Speaker
It might be German that just doesn't sound like German. I'm pretty sure it's not German because I am a Leo and I fell victim to this tutor and I'm just sharing the word, sharing the word to all other Leos. So again, this is not a prognostication so much as it is a... Here's a prognostication. Ditch the tutor and get a proper one if you want to learn German because you're making a...
00:28:14
Speaker
Fool yourself right now, Leo, and I speak from experience. I got told in no uncertain terms I was sounding like a bad rip-off of a Swedish chef from The Muppet Show. Oh my goodness. That doesn't sound like German at all. Okay. Virgo, August 23rd to September 22nd. That's me, by the way. A poorly- Ms. Elizabeth is a Virgo and she never tires a Teleno. I am a Virgo.
00:28:35
Speaker
I am a Virgo. A poorly timed fit of giggles, sounds like me, does sound like me, is gonna get you thrown off the bus and leave you stranded in a bad part of town. Uh-oh. You'll giggle your way back home to safety, so no lesson here, I guess. That's exactly me. That is me. That is what would happen.
00:28:57
Speaker
Yeah, and that's what's going to happen. Okay. So I wish I had more to say about it, but I don't. You're going to giggle through yet another one, Miss Elizabeth. Good. That sounds like fun. I love it. You get yourself in a bad situation, you get your way right out of it, and I get in a similar fix and a ton of poop falls on me. It's not a bad situation if nothing bad happens to you. A regular crap storm. Okay. Libra, September 23rd to October 22nd.
00:29:21
Speaker
Good news, you're going to be on the front page of your local paper next week. Bad news, you'll be in your underwear looking disheveled as the picture is taken after you have to evacuate your apartment building after some goof set of fire in a nearby dumpster and it started getting out of hand. Well, that's like the monkey paw curling. Yeah.
00:29:50
Speaker
Yep. You can frame it.
00:30:01
Speaker
The Libra wants no recollection of that picture. You've heard of the Streisand effect, though. You can't scrub that. The Libra's gonna try. Scorpio, October 23rd to November 21st. Later this month, you'll find unexpected success while dressed up as Davy Crockett. Unfortunately, it soon becomes clear you'll have to keep dressing that way if you want this good fortune to continue.
00:30:26
Speaker
Haha, I don't think there you go Scorpio. This is fine. How do you like that? There's no problem with it. I think it's fine Go baby crockett everyone around Scorpio will get real sick real fast and what good old Davey Crockett Well, you know what? I don't get sick of your outfits Why why do you sing me?
00:30:45
Speaker
Sagittarius, November 22nd to December 21st. You'd think a pillow fight would be fun, but you're going to learn otherwise in about 10 days or so. Oh, boy. Yeah. These Sagittarius put a hard hat on. I think it's all about velocity. Everybody thinks how much fun a pillow fight would be. Have you ever been in one? Yeah, you know what's hard. They're vicious. I know, because you're not just going in one direction. It's because you're going in as you're swinging in a circle. You get a corner of a pillow right in the eye. It hurts. A lot of laughing. You're on the ground sobbing.
00:31:15
Speaker
And you might get some feathers in the eye, which are very pointy sometimes. And then you can't sleep all night. Then you wake up. And then your dumb friend's parents brought McDonald's for breakfast. While you like McDonald's burgers, you don't like the McDonald's breakfast. And they give you one of these freaking Egg McMuffins and it smells like farts. But you're not a Sagittarius.
00:31:36
Speaker
Did this happen to you? No, I don't know where that story, never mind. I just kind of blurted out a story there. That's weird. Yeah, something happened to you. Capricorn, I'm not going to talk about it anymore. There's nothing more to say. That was the story. Capricorn, December 22nd to January 19th. Surveillance footage of you air-guitaring in a Home Depot will go viral.
00:31:56
Speaker
Oh boy. Two million views. Two billion views. And not one penny in your coffers. Oh, that's a bummer. That's the story of the internet. That is the story of the internet. Only YouTube makes money from that. Yep. Well, it's a crime. I don't know what to tell you. That's a crime. Like you're not going to be able to resist doing the air guitar. Someone's going to get rich off it and it ain't going to be you. And I'm sorry to tell you that, but I guess forewarned, forearmed.
00:32:22
Speaker
But in what way though? Maybe like hold up a sign during the air guitar blitz that says F U Tube or something like that. See if that makes a difference. Yeah, something like that. Aquarius January. Or you could try to sell your mom's jams. What? Like jam.com or whatever is your jams. Let's be speaking gibberish. Whose jams? I'm saying hold up an advertisement for something that you want to sell. Mom's jams.com? Yeah. Okay. Use it as an opportunity.
00:32:52
Speaker
Yeah, that's the point, Miss Elizabeth. Even if I'm giving a bad prognostication, you can turn it around somehow or turn it to your advantage. Giggle your way out of it. Yeah, that's bad advice though. Aquarius, January 20th to February 18th.
00:33:05
Speaker
You'll hurt your hand trying to squeeze open a can of spinach. Not from trying to be Popeye, but from being too lazy to go to the other side of the kitchen to get the can opener. Yeah, come on. That's a silly way to injure yourself. Yeah, you're not a can opener. Okay, try a can Popeye. Yeah.
00:33:25
Speaker
Pisces, February 19th to March 20th. The sign of the fishman. It is. Haha, I love it. A bunch of nudists going on a 100k trail run.
00:33:36
Speaker
Yeah, you go do that, Pisces, dumbass. What a dumb idea. I don't think you should do that nude. You shouldn't go any, going on the trail. Like, what do they think a trail is? It's the bush, it's the wilderness you're gonna get scratched to pieces. To pieces, especially in your tender parts. Yeah, so knock it off. Yeah. Like, they watch a YouTube video, they see some nudists doing some wacky and they think I gotta do that. Pisces, okay, I think self-imposed banned Pisces, that's what you need. No more YouTube for a month. Put some clothes on, clean your act up.
00:34:05
Speaker
Yeah. God, if you're going to go through the trail, you need protective gear. I'm really tired of wasting my breath trying to tell Pisces what to do. OK. Horpto. The 13th sign. Yeah, this one is a weird one. The most ancient sign of them all. Everyone split into the 12 that we know today, but we were all Horptos once and whoa, but I did the world when that sundering happened. This is a weird one that I don't know if this is a prognostication or not, but I'm going to let it go. And here it is. OK.
00:34:33
Speaker
How do you know you're not the evil twin, Horpto? Good question. That is a good question. Horpto? They've been pinning a lot of the blame on recent misfortunes in Horpto's circle on their evil twin. Take some accountability. Maybe it's you.
00:34:50
Speaker
Maybe they're the one. Yeah. Like, they've got a skewed perspective and they don't admit it. And if there's one thing I'm going to say about the Accuscope Horoscope is that it's here to help. Yeah. Horpto, hold that mirror up and see. Do you see a black mustache there? Do you see a big stovepipe hat? Do you see that upturned collar? Do you see the arched eyebrow? OK. Do you see the evil cackling at nothing? It's a bit much. Maybe you're the bad guy. You could be the bad guy, though. That's Accuscope Horoscope.

Show Conclusion and Teaser

00:35:20
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:20
Speaker
It's solving the world's problems, one prognostication at a time. Elizabeth, I feel like that was a job well done and what better way to cap it than with some more music. We're in the marquee song slot. You know what? I want to remember something about winter. Well, why don't we listen to a winter song? Let's do it. Boogie Blizzard. Let's go.
00:36:00
Speaker
But the heart's still pumping Frozen solid but the joint is jumping Hands are blue but the booty's shaking Frozen solid but the ice is quaking Put your snow boots on
00:36:37
Speaker
Cause the snow is blowing Storm is reaching and it ain't snowing Shivering cause my coat is too thin You brought this, let the party begin
00:38:19
Speaker
If the soul out can't see the ground
00:38:52
Speaker
blizzard song
00:39:10
Speaker
That was a fun entertainment extravaganza we just brought to the world miss Elizabeth when are we gonna do another one next week? Okay, it never ends the joyful treadmill. Mm-hmm I grit my teeth and the end and I shake my head roofly at the word joyful boat. That's the attitude We go to this one. This was fun. I
00:39:28
Speaker
You're listening, friend. Hope you had fun too. We're going to be coming right back at you next week with another episode of this show, Hello, Smileton. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word. Make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friends, the sun is the jukebox.