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It's Gonna Take More Than This Chick To Stop The Rock'n'Roll Show
34 Plays8 months ago
Put on your dancin' shoes because it's time to sit still and focus all your attention on the most riotously fun podcast you've heard all week. I can only be talking about this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Join your plubcky hosts Miss Elizabeth and Jason as the broadcast proudly from the heart of Smileton: podcasting capital of the world.
In today's show, let's revisit a classic segment in which Jason's hot-headed yoga master gives us all some violent, jackhammer yoga wisdom in A YOGA MOMENT WITH ANGEL.
And a vintage story from Jason paints a picture of life in Smileton that's too colorful and rich even to be rendered in Technicolor. Brace yourselves as the tale of vans and tempers and foul behavior and rebrandings unfolds before your ears.
Add a couple of songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE and I'd say stop right there – you've just created the recipe for the perfect podcast episode.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
3:45 A Yoga Moment with Angel (from April 24, 2023)
16:37 SONG – I'm Gonna Hover
19:50 Smileton Story – Vance Brock's Vans Rock (from September 18, 2023)
40:51 SONG – Werenerd
Recommended
Transcript
Welcome to Smileton
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton! Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Well, thank you, Mrs. Elizabeth. My goodness. Beep, boop, boop, beep. Oh, yeah. Let's just get right to it. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us
Robot Costume Chaos
00:00:24
Speaker
today. It's a warm up mania.
00:00:26
Speaker
Normally, I'm happy-go-lucky doing this show, Miss Elizabeth. Will you stop it for two seconds? This is my arms. She's acting like a robot. Normally, Miss Elizabeth shows up here with some kind of screwball idea of how to behave on the show. And normally, it's inoffensive enough, but she's gone too far this time. I'm normally happy-go-lucky when I do this show. But I got to tell you, my back's up against the wall, and my hackles are raised or whatever.
00:00:54
Speaker
What happens to your hackles? Just become a robot. I'm not doing any such thing. Jason, roboticize your life. You first. Dear listener friend, we're joined here by a studio audience that rarely helps things, and today they're bound and determined to distract me to no end. They're all dressed up in homemade, dare I say crappy, robot costumes. That's right, Jason. Teamwork makes the dream work in Robotland.
00:01:23
Speaker
Garbage cans What do you call that stuff that metal wrap boxes? Cardboard boxes what there's one guy up there. He's in a cardboard box He's punched his legs and arms through it and his head and it just says robot That is low effort. That's how we make robots. Okay. I can't take it
00:01:47
Speaker
You know what? Boxes, robots, those are some of the costumes that are closest to my heart. And I'll tell you why.
Episode Overwhelm
00:01:56
Speaker
That was the first thing that I built for credit in school. And I got credit for it. And then I built, to go along with that, to raise my grade a little bit, I built a small box to go with the bigger boxes. And it was a remote control situation to control the robot. But guess what? No extra grades for that one.
00:02:18
Speaker
That didn't work. Looks like your old plan went sideways there, Ms. Elizabeth. Well, again. I still got honors, but I couldn't get a hundred. Good for you. Well, I'm glad this show is merely a vehicle for you to relive your childhood victories. Meanwhile, I'm at a loose end. I don't even know what to do with today's show, Ms. Elizabeth. You have to put a box on your head. Then you'll feel much better. I'm not putting anything on. I'm going to go outside. I'm going to have a long walk. I might just walk straight into Smilton Lake.
00:02:48
Speaker
I'll walk with you, but I'll be going... I wish you wouldn't. Well, it's a good thing that we have some things to present here today that were recorded some time ago in far better circumstances. Yeah.
00:03:04
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, silence. Let's see how well those homemade robot costumes hold up after I turn the fire hose loose on you. Oh, that's not very nice. They're not waterproof costumes. No, they're gonna, they're gonna, it'll all end up in the gutter.
Upcoming Segments Preview
00:03:19
Speaker
The people in the costumes alike. They're gonna turn into oatmeal. Well, too bad. You made the mess, Miss Elizabeth. I'm just gonna hose it out of here. But they're on your team, can't you tell?
00:03:32
Speaker
It's sarcastic and I'm not even- Burn me, fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, how dare you do such a thing? They just want you to feel better. Okay, well, we have a vast archive on this show.
00:03:47
Speaker
And many of the episodes were filmed before a live studio audience that was just a little bit more positively intended towards this show than the lot today is. So let's take a dip back into the past, Ms. Elizabeth. You have been entrusted to pick some segments. I have. So what have I hit us with,
Angel's Yoga Wisdom
00:04:05
Speaker
Juan? All right. Well, my first pick is a kooky crackpot edition of a yoga moment with Angel. What odd adjectives.
00:04:14
Speaker
Jason's yoga and structure definitely has a screw loose and he doesn't care who knows it as This I get from these segments miss Elizabeth. Yes, we got a listing better. It was originally from August 24th 2023 and it shows us all about angels internal doings
00:04:33
Speaker
It shows us how to be a yoga master like our yoga master, Miss Elizabeth. There's no self-confession at all about this stuff. This was originally part of episode 29 of Hello, Smiles, and in an episode entitled, I have a ginormous balloon of my own head now. It was entitled that. Let's listen. But first, wisdom.
00:04:58
Speaker
What kind of wisdom? You guys deliver wisdom all the time. I come out smarter every time I listen to your show. Dear listener friend, thanks for the kind words. What I'm going to specifically tell you about right now is yoga. Yoga wisdom. I have the good fortune to be an eager student of the greatest yoga master this side of the river Rio Grande.
00:05:19
Speaker
He studied in the Far East somewhere in the Himalayas and he brought his yoga wisdom back to us. He traveled there. We don't know for sure that he studied. Intensity over the top. He'll pummel you into submission. It's yoga the way it was always meant to be. I can only be talking about a yoga moment with Angel.
00:05:38
Speaker
Are you ready? I'm ready. He's delivered the message to us and me, myself and I, the empty brainless vessel, will deliver the message on to you right now. Why do you shortchange yourself by calling yourself brainless? Miss Elizabeth, because I take yoga seriously. You're not brainless though. Miss, believe me, I know Miss Elizabeth, but you gotta have humility. I think you're pretty smart. Miss Elizabeth, you're throwing me off the yoga track. You gotta be humble. You gotta be submissive when you're a yoga student.
00:06:07
Speaker
Particularly when you have a master of the caliber of the angel. Okay, so he's we're gonna we're gonna hear his words and we're gonna heat him All right. I need him with right along with me. All right, I will I will attempt to heed these words Okay, we can't get angel in here to record this so I have to say it because version of this because of nothing a scaredy chicken No, that gets addressed miss Elizabeth. Okay
00:06:28
Speaker
Waka Waka, how's it hanging? I'm mighty pissed off this week and if I seem a bit short tempered, I'm not apologizing. No good yoga deed goes unpunished and I'm pretty much the living embodiment of that particular bit of yoga wisdom. The week I've had belongs in some gross outhouse somewhere and not on the shoulders of Smilton's greatest living yoga master. So he's saying he had a bit of a poopy week.
00:06:51
Speaker
Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, you want to trivialize the torments of a great man? I'm just rephrasing using different words. Exactly what he said. Yeah. Believe me, I see what you're up to here, Miss Elizabeth. You got to respect this man. He's a yoga master. He knows way more about yoga than you do. Okay, he's very wordy and a little overwrought.
00:07:11
Speaker
Again, you're on different planets, he and you. So maybe you can learn something from this. I look forward to it. So, turns out, Quartz didn't forget about the guy who was suing me. That's what he told us in the last update there, Ms. Elizabeth. Oh no, the Quartz don't forget. They just take a long time. So Angel was actually hoping that the Quartz forgot about him? Yes, he told us that in the last yoga update. He thought he was free and clear because they just forgot about him. But I guess that's not the case. No, they just have a lot of paperwork.
00:07:37
Speaker
So it turns out the courts didn't forget about the guy who was suing me. My stupid lawyer did. What was once an unstoppable yoga mutant has become a quiet, unassuming shell of a man who frickin' doesn't seem to know what day it is. Miss Elizabeth has a story of heartbreak. The yoga mutant lawyer tore this town up, literally and figuratively, from a legal sense and in a coffee table integrity sense. You're not even gonna ask me what that means. Okay, what does that mean?
00:08:07
Speaker
Coffee table, I think it's because he smashed a coffee table apartment and tried to eat it. Every coffee table he saw sent him into a frenzy and he would smash those things to bits. And he would smash them to bits with his hands, feet, and teeth. Teeth, knees, any body part that presented itself, he'd thrust it mightily at the poor old coffee table. Yeah, but those coffee tables are, you know, that might be his problem, his mental problem. He might have given himself concussion enough times. You call it problem, I call it mental clarity.
00:08:37
Speaker
Long story short, one of my students sued me because he didn't like me brutalizing and abusing him in my class. So basically he didn't understand what yoga was and signed up anyway. I do my business, he goes crying to mama and Johnny Long gets all over me. I take one of my students to complete psychopath of a yoga mutant and unleash him on the legal system. Things were going great until his family got involved.
00:08:59
Speaker
Got him quote-unquote help and left me holding the frickin' bag. Next thing I know, I think I'm in the clear and the judge forgot all about me and it turns out they didn't and I missed the court date because no one told me when it was and the judge goes, know what? I'm tired of this yoga stuff. Judgment for the plaintiff. And now I gotta pay that goof three thousand bucks. That's all this is about? Three thousand dollars, Miss Elizabeth. That's not chicken scratch. No, but it's what you pay for a term. A term of yoga? Yeah.
00:09:28
Speaker
Yeah, that kind of sh... It kind of yanks me into perspective, Miss Elizabeth. It's not a lot of money to Angel. No, he can afford that. What's all the kerfuffle? Just pay the money and get on with life. I punched holes in my drywall and I found this out, and now I gotta figure out where this... Why? Why? Because that's where his money is stored? Miss Elizabeth, don't inquire as to where a yoga master puts his money... Or how he makes withdrawals.
Angel's Misadventures
00:09:53
Speaker
Directly through the drywall, apparently.
00:09:56
Speaker
He's frustrated. And when he gets frustrated, he punches the wall, puts fists in it because he's a yoga master. He knows how to do maximum damage with a fist thrust. Yeah, I don't think this is yoga. I think this is like straight fighting. It's yoga, Miss Elizabeth. I think he learned it from Mortal Kombat. You know the video game? Miss Elizabeth, yeah. Did you ever watch the movie of that video game? Where did they come from? The East?
00:10:16
Speaker
the far east, that's where they learned yoga, and that's where they're unleashing, that's from whence they unleash it upon the world. Yeah, thrusting fists into chest cavities and hauling out parts, etc. Now you're getting it, you're in the yoga zone now. Okay. I punched holes in my drywall and I found this out and now you're gonna figure out where three large is coming from. I'll probably start a GoFundMe and say I'm sick or something. Oh boy, he better not.
00:10:41
Speaker
Well, Miss Elizabeth, you gotta do what you gotta do. This legal system is on his butt, and he's having to think fast. Okay. So it's like, again, Miss Elizabeth, he's telling us his problems. Yeah. But does your heart not cry out in sympathy for this poor man? No, it doesn't. I think it's hilarious.
00:10:59
Speaker
Well, again, I think doing all these other shows- It's a shade of money. It's not that much money. If I'd known it was this much money, I wouldn't have let you yammer on so much about it in the past. If I had three grand in my pocket, you wouldn't see it. See the back of me.
00:11:13
Speaker
Wouldn't I? What? I think so. Okay. I don't know, Ms. Elizabeth, what I'm saying is- Are you trying to say with $3,000 you would leave Smiles in forever and never come back? No, I'd strut about like cock of the walk. Oh. That's what I'm saying. All right. Yeah, I'd be throwing my weight around in this town. So you know what? You can do that if you quit yoga and just keep that money. Huh? Oh, yeah. Hey, friend, you can be a champion weight lifter. Just cut your arms off. Doesn't make sense, Ms. Elizabeth.
00:11:43
Speaker
If that wasn't enough to soil the diaper that was my week, try this number on for size. Oh boy, why is it all poo imagery with him today? I think he's got some kind of a digestive issue. What do you mean with him? You're the one. You're the one who said poopy. Diaper and the outhouse. Okay, okay. Yeah, that's the pattern. Very good Encyclopedia Brown.
00:12:04
Speaker
I got fed up with the studio I was recording my audiobook at and decided to do it at home. I had to put the microphone in a box because I hate looking at those things. No one needs an audiobook from Angel. Did you hear what you just said? No one needs an audiobook from Angel, first of all. What a silly thing to say. And secondly, how is he even going to record it? Are they somehow concealing
00:12:32
Speaker
Mr. Elizabeth. Doesn't he pass out at the site? He doesn't like microphones. That's what he's saying in a roundabout way. The way he got around it is that he put it in a box and he's just talking loudly. Okay.
00:12:42
Speaker
I've had to put the microphone in a box because I hate looking at those things, but I got the whole thing recorded and was ready to unleash the soon to be yoga classic yoga attack methods for non-readers on the whole yoga world. Well, I got about halfway through when my hard drive crashed and I didn't have a backup because I'm not a loser and now I have to do the whole thing again. I smashed my computer to bits and now I got to buy a new one on top of the aforementioned 3G's that the legal system swindled me out of.
00:13:12
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, torment upon torment. It's raining down on him like a thunderous storm. And you're laughing. Yeah, I see you need more. You need yoga more than most. You know, I don't see Angel learning anything from any of these life lessons. He's being gifted. Plus Miss Elizabeth, this is supposed to be teaching us about yoga and I think it is in a really fundamental way. Okay.
00:13:35
Speaker
Was that enough of a crap week for your old buddy, Angel? See? There we go. Pooh again. That's three. That's more than a straight line. That's a home run. Strike three, home run. Well, you really are genius, you dunce, because you couldn't be more wrong. Day after that, I'm in the studio blasting some new students with a fire hose and having a grand old time when In walks this woman who says she's the building inspector. She has this clipboard, and she starts looking around. She comes back to me and says, if you don't fix the problems listed here, we're going to have to close you down.
00:14:04
Speaker
Turns out all the water I've blasted the students with is just soaked into everything and now there's rotten mildew everywhere. I screamed at her and told her I learned from the monks of the east in a cave and how much mildew do you think is in there? She didn't listen. Yeah, well thank goodness he didn't turn the hose on her. How many ways can Angel get screwed in one week?
00:14:24
Speaker
That's the question before us. He does it to himself. False. Ms. Elizabeth, he's teaching his students the best way he knows how, and the meddling government has to stick their nose in. Well, agreed the government does meddle. Yeah, there are meddlers, Ms. Elizabeth. Whether they're getting them with the legal system, or they're getting them with mildew. They're getting them all the time.
00:14:45
Speaker
That's it for me. No free yoga tips. Come on down to my studio and pay up and maybe I'll talk to ya. I'm in no mood for freebies this week. You wanna learn? Fine. Show up and I'll smack some sense into ya. If not, then get lost. I got my own problems to deal with. That's it for this time. If you can put the potato chips and ice cream down long enough, could a few of you mouth breathers send me a few bills? It's the least you could do. Namaste ya turds.
Musical Intermission
00:15:08
Speaker
Boy, oh boy. Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow, pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow
00:15:15
Speaker
And I liked it too, Miss Elizabeth. I think you should be smiling bigger than you are because that was amazing. I'm smiling pretty big for the record. Old stuff right here on Hello, Smileton. Yeah, and the whole story behind the giant balloons is also good to listen to on that show from episode 29. Yes, it is, Miss Elizabeth. I think that must have been podcast ketchup.
00:15:39
Speaker
with your up, up and away, the hot air ballooning podcast up that you did us. Yeah. Do you listen to a friend? Check that out. Episode 29, scroll back a ways. I have a ginormous balloon in my own head now. You'll find it. Don't do that now. You still have a half an episode or more to listen to right here. It's brand new. We're celebrating Jason. We're celebrating Jason's mental health during robot day.
00:16:03
Speaker
the gumption you display. You're honoring my mental health by savagely attacking it. You're overrun by our support. And I understand why. It's not support. This is all a carnival house crazy mirror. Yeah, well, we do support you, though. I don't believe it. The only thing I believe it. Silence, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for music.
00:16:26
Speaker
Tune in on the old Smilton radio. We gotta hear something. We gotta get some music going, Miss Elizabeth. I can't take a whole episode of this abuse. Let's play. I'm gonna hover. Let's do it.
00:17:02
Speaker
the stairs. The old house isn't late. The unicycle's hit the ditch.
00:17:34
Speaker
falling down. But they sued for scuba. Hot air balloons are lost in space. Headfirst into the tube of clouds are coming. Clouds are going.
00:18:10
Speaker
I'm gonna hover I'm gonna hover I'm gonna hover
Improving Smileton
00:18:46
Speaker
are goin' He's gonna run, he's gonna hide I'm gonna hover, I'm gonna hover, I'm gonna hover
00:19:38
Speaker
I'm going to hover a Smile Syndicate. Smilefins only right here on Hello, Smilefins. That has buoyed you right up, Jason. Yeah, music has a way of doing that. It does. And a tune like that, the synthesized mayhem unleashed on us all will at least preserve my mood long enough to turn it over to you to introduce the next segment. Thank you very much, Jason. My second pick is a story from our very own Jason, who I must say does not come off all that well. What?
00:20:07
Speaker
Here is a true tale of heroes and villains, wise ones and fools, bigger than Lord of the Rings and twice as funny. Well, that wasn't a comedy, so that's not that hard. This is some intro. Let's listen now to something that comes from episode 50 of Hello, Smiles in which
00:20:26
Speaker
originally aired on September 18th, 2023 in an episode entitled, I Can Almost Forsee Us Continuing to Do a Show Together, a sentiment that continues to this day basis. The consequences resound down through history. Exactly. Let's listen.
00:20:43
Speaker
You're listening, friend. Are you ready to go? Let's go. I've got a story to tell you. Yeah. I want to hear your story. I know you have a story to tell. Well, good, because I'm always on the lookout to make this town better. I hope it's an uplifting story, Jason. Um, let's see. We'll see. Is there a cautionary tale? Miss Elizabeth, it's a slice of life. Okay. If you want to put your labels on it, you want to shove it into your pigeonholes, you can go ahead, but that's no way to enjoy a tale.
00:21:11
Speaker
I can't wait. I'm very, I'm feeling open-minded. I am ready to get with this story. Good. Well, you know, this town's in a rut. This town's heading down the wrong path. Okay, already you're off on the wrong foot. This town is not in a rut. This town is doing awesome. Yeah, this town's on a toboggan ride all the way down to Haiti. Somebody's got to do something. Somebody's got to help this town understand a change of course is needed. And that's why I found founded the Smilton Betterment Society.
00:21:34
Speaker
And by this town, you mean Smilton. Smilton, our dear town of Smilton. Yes, Elizabeth, we're the podcasting capital of the world. You told us where we were at the beginning of the show. It's such an uplifting, community-spirited, community-minded, forward-thinking, futuristic. Why do they want to muck it up, then?
00:21:51
Speaker
Why do our townspeople want to engage in all these behaviors? They don't. So I formed the Smileton Betterment Society and on this very show I have periodically I have delivered the public service announcement to try to tell the town what to do better because they're screwing up.
Vance's Rebranding
00:22:06
Speaker
Okay this is very loosely described as the Smileton Betterment Society because really it's just you complaining. Why don't you?
00:22:14
Speaker
Why don't you kick me when I'm down, Miss Elizabeth? Yes, the Betterment Society only has one member. It's a struggle. I'm trying to find some like-minded people to help me move the stone because it's freaking huge and everyone feels like everyone else in the town is pushing it the other way. You don't accept any help because I have offered to double your society. You're making me laugh. You're making me laugh with that offer. You would giggle and completely undercut the mission. Okay. So I told you before, I'm going to double the size of the Betterment Society, which
00:22:44
Speaker
Yes, you gleefully pointed out during that segment, I think it was on last week's show, New Year's resolution update, I told you one of my resolutions was to double the size of the Betterment Society and you gleefully kicked the footstool from out under my feet by pointing out that I was still the only member and I just needed a friend and that would double it and there's the
00:23:03
Speaker
Yeah, funny, yeah, you're still laughing at it. Well, you do need a friend. Sorry, but 1 plus 1 equals 2, and 2 is twice as much as 1, and 2 can make a big difference in this world. That's right. 2 can make a big difference.
00:23:15
Speaker
So I had a great idea. You mocked me, and that forced my brain into overdrive. So I realized I got to come up with a great idea, and I did. Good. I'm going to reach out to Vance. Vance Brock, Lance's brother. Vance is the drummer of the greatest rock band in the history of time, Lance Brock's Goin' Snake. And dear listener friend, if you raise a skeptical eyebrow at that claim, believe me, once we get some songs together, and once we get a show or two under our belts, the claim will not be an idle boast.
00:23:43
Speaker
It'll be just a blatant statement of the obvious. All right. Well, we look forward to that day. Vance is going to be a power-ness with that drama in his, but that's not all he does. Vance also is a businessman. He owns a company. He owns a moving company, Ms. Elizabeth. You've probably seen the trucks around town. You can't miss them. Vixen, Vance, they have the naked women all over them.
00:24:07
Speaker
You can elegantly paint it, Ms. Elizabeth, tasteful. They're naked, but they have swords and a shield nearby. And maybe there's a battle tiger or a rhinoceros with metallic armor. I don't understand. What are they selling? It's a moving... What do you mean, selling? It's a moving company. They move your stuff from A to B, safely vixen vans while he decided it was time for a refresh.
00:24:30
Speaker
So he's rebranded his... We rebranded this show. He rebranded his company. We didn't add Naked Ladies to our show. Maybe that's a problem. More fool us. Yeah, no wonder we're in the ditch. Just like this town. It's time to post a Kijiji ad then and start recruiting those Naked Ladies. Miss Elizabeth, you're distracting. I know you mean to be amusing here, but I got some deadly serious information to convey here. I'm just being open-minded. These are strategies we haven't tried yet.
00:24:58
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I think that's a bad path to take. I don't feel like it's working for a moving company, though, because people look at Naked Ladies and think you're not going to be able to lift that credenza. I don't think anybody notices it's a moving van. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. The credenza's sitting where it is. Exactly. Unless that battle tiger can help move it. So, anyway, Miss Elizabeth, new company, new name, new brand, Vance Rocks, Vance Rock.
00:25:23
Speaker
Oh, okay. That's the new name of the company, and it's as catchy as it is, easy to say. Are they still a moving company? Yeah, he's still a moving company, and now at least he's got the mission in the name.
Sidecar Adventure
00:25:36
Speaker
But now it just looks like if you put things in the van, it might like tumble over because it's rocking and rolling over. When a moving van rocks, it means that quietly and efficiently and with a great amount of speed gets your goods safely to the new destination. Doesn't make sense. It's a terrible rebrand. It's a great idea. So I thought these new vans, there are many things. But one thing, they are rolling billboards.
00:26:02
Speaker
That's true. We could decorate those vans with an advertisement for the Betterment Society, and it says something like, taking out the trash with Vance Brox, Vance Rock, and the Smilton Betterment Society. But that's not really advertising the business very effectively. Which business? The Betterment? The moving company. Yeah, it's taking out the trash.
00:26:23
Speaker
or moving your junk from A to B. Miss Elizabeth, it made sense when I put it together. Those are two different business models. So there's one that's moving things from a house to another house. But there's another one that's taking your junk and moving it into the trash. I know. Miss Elizabeth, stop poking holes in my idea. OK. I'm just pointing out. It made sense when I came up with it. OK.
00:26:42
Speaker
Okay, your skepticism is making me see some of the problems here. They're not exactly a garbage truck company. They're not a junk hauler. They're a moving company. But take out the trash is a nice summary of the Smough and Betterment Society mission. So I think we're going to run with that one. So I go down to his office and I get there. I walk in and he's screaming at somebody on the phone. Just his voice was hoarse and he's just, yeah, I've never heard someone scream. At least he was, Vince F. and Brock.
00:27:09
Speaker
What the hell am I going to do with five moving vans that say Vince Brock on the side, Ms. Elizabeth? They screwed up the, they screwed up the deckling. They screwed up the makeovers of the vans. Instead of saying Vance Brock's, Vance Rock, these vans now say Vince Brock's moving service. Well, that's closer to what they actually provide. And who cares if the name is slightly wrong, that the service is accurately described.
00:27:32
Speaker
Ms. Brock, Ms. Elizabeth, what a horrible, sick joke someone's played on my buddy Vance. Well, at least people know he moves things. I wouldn't trust Vince Brock's moving service to move a stalled out hatchback. Oh, okay. My goodness.
00:27:49
Speaker
let alone my precious treasures. Okay, well I think I would trust them more than if they were naked ladies. There's where we disagree. So anyway, he looks at me and he goes, what do you want? Well, I had an idea to maybe help out with the betterment. Okay, I'm going to go beat somebody's ass. You want to come with me?
00:28:10
Speaker
So I'm like, oh, sure. Well, that is part of your Betterment protocol, right? Miss Elizabeth, I didn't even think of that, but you're exactly right. I was prepared to come in to tell the story and have that be a bit of a left turn. But no, it's on brand for me, too. So yeah, we're going to go probably presumably beat the guy's ass who screwed up Vance's trucks. Punishment is part of Betterment for you. Miss Elizabeth, where is this coming from? The sense it's like you've got clarity.
00:28:39
Speaker
I can almost foresee us continuing to do a show together. Like... This is amazing. Like, you're showing up happy. You're talking sense for the most part. You haven't put your foot in your mouth. You haven't made me angry. I was Miss Elizabeth. This is a new you and I'm liking it. I'm so glad you're happy. So he jumps on his motorcycle. I hop in the sidecar and we're gonna go tear off to wherever this... Just imagining you in a sidecar.
00:29:07
Speaker
What do you mean? What's funny about that? It sounds like fun. It sounds like fun. That's okay. Yeah. I put on the leather helmet and the goggles. I was leaning forward and I was like, let's go. Yeah. Amazing. So Vance, that, that thing roars to life and we fly on down to good old downtown Smilton and straight to Smilton graphics.
00:29:25
Speaker
The only problem that I have as just a side note with side cars is that if you have a motorcycle and one side car, why don't we ever add another side car to the other side? Wouldn't that be amazing to have a central bike and then two side cars? Okay. Here's, Ms. Elizabeth, I see an opportunity to give you a learning moment.
00:29:49
Speaker
When you have an idea, it strikes you with some degree of fancy, of amusement, of a little bit of joy, and out it comes your mouth.
00:30:01
Speaker
I would suggest you take that idea and try to apply it to the real world. Test your idea, at least in your own head. I feel like I just did that. So you can imagine a motorcycle with two side cars is now three times as wide as a motorcycle and is very likely not fitting in the car lane entirely comfortable anymore. So you're the person you don't like too much. You can put on your left. They can be hanging out in the oncoming lane.
00:30:26
Speaker
Okay, I feel like our lanes are big enough here in Smilton, and here's what I was imagining. We got jumbo lanes here, but I'm trying, if your listener friend may live in some small, laned backwater. Okay, Vince is driving. You're on the right-hand side. I'm on the left-hand side, and down we go down the road. Okay, fine. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, you're trying to horn in on my fun here, because you know somebody's going to get their ass beaten, and I'm going to have a front-row seat to it. Okay. And now you want to join in. You were scoffing at the Betterment Society, not
00:30:53
Speaker
five minutes ago. Well, I'm hoping that I always hope for your success, Jason. Well, that's a dear listener friend. If you've listened for any amount of time to this show, you know what a laughable statement Miss Elizabeth just made. So we finally get to Smiles and Graphics, and we go in there, and there's a sweaty guy. He's really nervous. He's behind the counter. And he knows what's up. He sees us come in. He goes, Vance, I don't know what happened there. Mistakes were made. Vance just wasn't having it.
00:31:22
Speaker
Charging straight at him, the guy made a move like he was going to bolt out of the store. Come here, you little nerd. Vance lunges at him. And unfortunately, he goes face first into the old tiny cash register this nerd has on the counter there. That thing must weigh, I don't know, 50 pounds or more. Yeah. Vance is like dazed. He shakes it off. And then he, Miss Elizabeth, he stands up and he looks like he's going to hurl that thing. I don't know where into the back room. He's got an expression of anger and he's got to get it out here, Miss Elizabeth.
00:31:51
Speaker
He has it raised up over his head. He's going to smash that thing good to teach us nerd a lesson. So does he has a complaint? Right? Why does he have to turn it to massive analysis?
00:32:05
Speaker
Yes, Miss Elizabeth, in a nutshell, he has a customer complaint. Why do you think he's raising this cash register above his head in a towering rage? He's going to smash it through into the tabletop or the floor or throw it through a window? But why does he just use his words first? Try that.
00:32:25
Speaker
I think he did. He was screaming at him on the phone. I don't think Vance had much of a voice left by the time we got there. Alright. So, yes, Ms. Elizabeth, you cut me off right at the climax of the story. He's about to drive that thing home. He's going to make his point understood, Ms. Elizabeth. He's got this nerd, this sweaty nerd, he's got an unsatisfied customer on his hands. Next thing we know, we hear this little bell ring. Someone else has come in the store. Hey, Uncle Jack, what's going on here?
00:32:55
Speaker
We turn around and guess who it is, Miss Elizabeth. Stacey! Well, you knew that... Okay. I was not... I had no idea this Stacey from that band Tracy's Grace was related to the nerd, the sweaty nerd who runs Smilthing Graphics. Well, I heard that this had happened. Okay, well, your listener friend, you've heard the show for a while. You may have heard me tell...
00:33:16
Speaker
Some stories about this Stacey person. She's a colors trained wrestler. She's now a musician in the band Tracy's Grace. They started here in Smilton. They're setting the world on fire. It's making me really annoyed. But I can't put too much shade their way because Lacey is also in that band and she advertises on this show. Lacey, despite her involvement with that band, seems to be a good egg overall. Yeah.
00:33:39
Speaker
But anyway, this Stacy has attacked my buddies in the past, the Sneaky Commandos more than once. She uses that college train wrestling stuff on my buddies, makes them cry, makes me annoyed. Miss Elizabeth, she doesn't act like a lady, that's for sure. Well, she does act like a very strong lady who doesn't take any guff, you know, from anybody. So she sees her uncle cowering and sweaty. He's being a nerd behind that counter. She sees Vance with a heavy cash register above his head.
00:34:07
Speaker
So she draws the wrong conclusion. She flies at him, knocks him down, the register goes tumbling away, then like half a second flat, she's got Vance in a choke hold. He's tapping out immediately because he's not a college trained wrestler. She's abusing her skill, Miss Elizabeth. I think she's just using her skill. He's tapping out and she's ignoring it.
00:34:29
Speaker
What do you got to say to that? Well, good on her. When somebody's tapping out, it says, like the whole lady, I give up. She's ignoring it. He's tapping out. You have to wait until the person who's tapping out is most certainly not going to continue with their crazy reckless, you know, diatribe. Oh, Ms. Elizabeth, have you watched any kind of mixed martial arts competition before? You're telling me that you have to hold the chokehold until they can't tap out anymore.
00:34:56
Speaker
Well, I just think until you're sure that he's not going to continue being such an aggressive customer. Any young ladies listening to this show and you want to learn how to conduct yourself in polite society, if you've got a guy in a chokehold and he's tapping out, release the hold. That's a bit of advice from me to you. If you think you're going to be like this ruffian who's no role model for any young woman that I could see, Miss Elizabeth.
00:35:22
Speaker
I take a different stand here because I think you have to be very careful as a lady and if you if you have somebody right where you right where you want them in a choke hold in a choke hold and they're gonna be violent after you release them you know you need to keep them in that choke hold until for sure they're gonna stay
00:35:40
Speaker
We've ever seen her reply a chokehold. No one's getting up from that any time soon. He had been neutralized through this sneak attack. Well, that's good. Through this sneak attack, he wasn't going to do anything. Miss Elizabeth, come on. Vance wouldn't hurt a fly. He's got a towering rage of a temper. Yeah, and he was going to hurl that thing, but not at the sweaty nerd. He was just going to smash it on the floor or something. I don't think anybody knew that.
00:36:04
Speaker
Oh, use your head. For starters. And this Stacy comes marching on into a situation she didn't understand, didn't release the chokehold. She's no nonsense. Yeah, so I see this happening and I just start trying to tiptoe out of the store. I have nothing to offer the situation. My work is done here. In what way is your work done?
00:36:27
Speaker
Well, it's a moot point because they didn't get out of there. She spots me trying to get out, sneaking out. She's like a serpent. She flies across the floor. She grabs me by the feet. I'm in an ankle lock. In an ankle lock? She's pouring on the pressure and I'm banging on the floor. Wow. And she's like, say uncle, say uncle, say uncle, Tracy. And did you say uncle?
00:36:48
Speaker
Yes, Miss Elizabeth. I was through my sobbing. I was saying, Uncle Tracy, let me go, Uncle. And how are your ankles now? Is this making you happy? Hearing my humiliation, have I recovered? Have your ankles recovered? Just about. I won't be dancing to Charleston anytime soon, if that's what you mean. My ankle is very swollen. Well, that's unfortunate because we are going dancing tonight.
00:37:08
Speaker
Oh, well, I don't know how you figure that, Miss Elizabeth. We are podcasting professionals together. I told you, once we leave the studio, I don't know you. You don't know me. OK. I know where this dancing stuff is coming from. All right. Go, go dance with your one of your death metal buddies. Go call your gov. OK, well, I think that, you know, I think you knew that this was happening. So you are coming dancing tonight. I am not, Miss Elizabeth, because I won. No. And two, there's no way my ankle could do it. OK. And three, it's not professional. OK.
00:37:36
Speaker
So yeah, she warns us never to bother her uncle again. And she tells vans to not fix those vans. She doesn't want to see one thing changed on those vans. And guess what? Your new business name is Vince Brock's Moving Service. OK, good, because now they are accurately named. Nothing's good about that. You have a dissatisfied customer. You have a physical assault times, too. And you have a big shot thinking there she's an even bigger shot than she really is. But their business is now going to do better because now people understand and know to hire them for moving.
00:38:04
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, this is a fiasco. That's good. This is hurting the business. Once again, this person who doesn't get told no nearly enough, she exercises her whim. She gets to practice on a couple unwilling participants in her little wrestling games. She's very strong. And small business suffers, because no one's going to call up Vince Brock's moving service, because that's the least catchy name of all time. OK, it's not about catchy names. It's about being accurate. Well, Miss Elizabeth, guess what? What? We're not defeated.
00:38:34
Speaker
We're driving back. We leave and we're driving away and Vance just goes, I'm not scared of her. And I'm like, atta boy, Vince. He is scared of her though. No, you don't let her get you down. That was a cheap shot. She's a cheap shot artist. Jason, you're scared of her too. Ms. Elizabeth, she...
00:38:51
Speaker
I don't know
Episode Conclusion
00:38:52
Speaker
what you mean. What do you mean by scared? Do I want to mess with her? Do not. Do I want to be attacked from behind, out of nowhere, blindsided, with a cowardly attack? Held in an ankle lock? Do you want to be held in an arm lock? I don't know what all the different locks are. Don't run down her repertoire of moves, Miss Elizabeth, because I'll give you the same answer for all of them. Guess what?
00:39:14
Speaker
We both agreed that it's going to take more than this chick to stop the rock and roll show. This van company is going to fly like a phoenix and it's going to be called Vance Brox, Vance Rock, and the whole town is going to agree with that. You better not call her a chick within her hearing. I'm not scared of her. I told you. You are scared of her. You literally are scared of her. Not when she doesn't have an ankle lock on me.
00:39:36
Speaker
Moral stuff. Good story. Yeah. See, it was funny. Here on Hellos Mountain. Funny? That was harrowing, Miss Elizabeth. That was it. There was some outrageous behavior that I chronicled in detail. And the fact that you're glossing right over that and you're not pointing an accusing finger of the ne'er-do-well I described in no uncertain terms as being a ne'er-do-well, it speaks volumes, Miss Elizabeth.
00:39:59
Speaker
Well, we appreciated hearing your voice loud and clear throughout this entire episode. So I hope that you feel well supported by these selections. No, I appreciate you bringing back some of the gems that I casually toss your way on this show. And it'd be hooves, dear listener friend. We snuffled them up like truffles. That's right.
00:40:23
Speaker
It behooves dear listener friend to applaud gently right now in a gesture of appreciation as we prepare. Not you guys! Let us turn our attention to one more song. Nothing is not obedient. To another song by the Smile Syndicate. I think we gotta unleash something that'll scare those ne'er-do-wells up in the studio audience right out of their robot costumes. We're nerd. Let's listen.
00:41:09
Speaker
The full moon is high Behold a terrible sight What once was as fast Becomes awareness this night
00:41:45
Speaker
Take the glasses off to a scarf, see the sun is blue He's leveled up and made the world a hellish MMO Wherever! You're out for a bar, then he strikes without warning Wherever! Roll a ten-sided die, you'll be dead by the morning Wherever!
00:42:37
Speaker
a terrible fate. He laughs as they cry. The warehouse checks me. He's coming now to Comic Con, to him a grand buffet. For twenty bucks, design a photo in blood.
00:43:20
Speaker
You'll be dead by the morning weather You're out for a lard and you drank without warning weather Well let's inside and die, you'll be dead by the morning weather
00:43:45
Speaker
Where nerd by the smiles tend to get right here. Hello, Smileton. You are getting supported up, down, and all around. Yeah, you can say that all you want. It doesn't make it the slightest bit true. If you're a listener friend, I hope you've enjoyed your time with us. We're going to be back next week. Holy smoke, you better hold on to your hat because it's going to be a rockin' rockin' episode of Hello, Smileton. Well, I'm very much looking forward to that, Jason.
00:44:08
Speaker
I can't wait because this one's done, but it's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smiles. And there's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more, Smiles. And so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is the chief box.