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A Blessed Legacy of Nudity
40 Plays7 months ago
True delightedment awaits so plug your ears straight into this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Miss Ellizabeth and Jason are back at it with another all new episode of joy and wonder. Whether it's comedy capering or musical entertainments of the catchy variety, this show has got you covered.
Jason tells us a tale of how he and his buddies tried to fix a roof in a guitar store and only ended up experiencing a whirlwind of humiliation. Listen now to hear the shocking details!
A brand new segment debuts on this very episode: Smileton citizens sell their junk and the whole world's gotta hear about it on SMALL TOWN, BIG MARKETPLACE.
And the Mailbag is opened to questions and comments from listeners and the crank missives, off-putting communiques, and bizarre utterances definitely up this show's fun factor.
Throw in two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE and that's exactly the show you've been looking for. You're welcome.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
2:05 Smileton Story – Fixing Musique By Lance
17:34 SONG – In The Year 2525
21:09 NEW SEGMENT - Small Town, Big Marketplace
28:50 Mailbag
34:46 SONG – Rumpus Room
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction & Show Promise
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileson. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you. Live to tape straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth. All right. Too much excitement.
00:00:20
Speaker
We're ready to go here. We are. It's like a party here. Yeah, I almost want to do this show. Yeah. It's weird. I'm feeling positive. Dear listener friend, I hope you share the positivity because you're going to leave this show feeling ever more positive than you ever thought possible. It's going to start your week with a bang.
00:00:37
Speaker
This is a weird feeling, Ms. Elizabeth. Spring is in the air here, even though it's months away from arriving.
Marketplace Tease
00:00:42
Speaker
I have some exciting content to share, some nice music to share with you as well. And dear listener friend, we owe it all to you. Thanks so much for joining us today. We trust our capering and our joshing around is going to put a smile on your face and give you that emotional power to kick down the barriers for the rest of the week and just get yourself to where you need to be.
00:01:06
Speaker
I am ready for it. What do you have to tell us about? Oh, so much, Miss Elizabeth. Later in the show, since you're dying to hear the rundown, we have a brand new segment. We've never done this segment before, Miss Elizabeth.
00:01:20
Speaker
Something about marketplace. Something about a marketplace. I don't know. We're going to wait until we stumble upon it. We're going to leave Dear Listener in suspense. I don't even think we've done this segment later on after that. There's a segment I don't think we've done once during Hellos
Mailbag & Community Interactions
00:01:36
Speaker
Mountain. We did it frequently on the previous show. We did the spiritual forebearer of this show. Oh, the mailbag. Mailbag. Yeah, I'm looking ahead. Let's get to it. Stop stalling.
00:01:46
Speaker
I'm not looking forward to Mailbag. I'll tell you that right now. Yeah, because you don't like interacting with real human beings. No, I don't like interacting with cranks, miscreants, or narrative wells. And that's the only type of people who seem to send letters to us. That's what I was going to say. Yeah. So it's time to embrace them. Unfortunately, you can't choose your audience.
Community Conflict Story
00:02:05
Speaker
But there you go. I would love to kick off the show, however, with a story. OK, I love stories.
00:02:11
Speaker
a community-minded story, a story of brotherly goodwill and of someone who thinks they're above the rules and near to well.
00:02:22
Speaker
That's my story. All right. Do you want the details? I do want the details. OK, so brotherly love. Yeah. And a ne'er-do-well ruining it. And a ne'er-do-well. Are you the ne'er-do-well in this picture? Of course not. OK. Music by Lance. Yeah. The August Music Store, based right here in Smoughton, run by my buddy Lance. Yeah. Best guitar shop in the tri-town area by a country mile. OK. Did you finally get it booked in for a demolishment?
00:02:48
Speaker
Why would you demolish a landmark like that? Well, so you could build something that's actually like seaworthy or I guess street worthy.
00:02:56
Speaker
Well, that's the kind of the point of my story. Okay. Is we set about to take Carol Ann's store because I told you some a little while ago. Yeah. How his brother Vance got angry at him. They had a fight. Yeah. The dispute whose nature is of no relevance here. Okay. Are you sure? They were arguing about who the best base player is. I think. Okay.
Bass Player Dispute & Store Damage
00:03:21
Speaker
I can't even remember now. So did they have like a base off?
00:03:24
Speaker
No, they had a screaming argument and Vance jumped in his monster truck and drove over the store. Okay, that is so weird. Why wouldn't you just play bass at each other?
00:03:33
Speaker
They got heated up. They're hotheads. If you're having a base off, would you say to each other all your base are belong to? Oh yeah. Something like that? Something like that. Or would you listen to your opponent and then say you're way off base. You're punning on the word base and I don't like it. It's all your base or belong to us. That's a different kind of base. You could make it fish related. You could say that was fishy. That doesn't work.
00:04:01
Speaker
No, it doesn't work at all. Miss Elizabeth, I'm never going to finish the story at this rate. Okay. Fact is, what our starting point is, Monster Truck drove over the store, put some holes in the roof, additional holes. I just feel like that's way off base, if you will. I just think that, why would you attack a... He was mad. He wasn't thinking straight. So, we're there. We got to do something about this. We're going to fix it.
00:04:24
Speaker
You're always going on about an old-fashioned barn raising.
Community Repair Plan
00:04:27
Speaker
Well, that's what we're going to do. We're going to get some stuff and we're going to work in the team of buddies. Ladies and gentlemen, it's about time you applaud something positive. Good job. You actually are. These narrative wells are part of the problem. At least they recognize civic mindedness when we see it. Of course we do.
00:04:42
Speaker
Okay, well, so I'm there. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be barn raising a barn. Okay. Lance is there, of course. Vance, they've made up. Vance is gonna help. He's gonna swing a hammer. Okay. Sandy's there. Is he towing planks of wood with his big monster truck?
00:04:56
Speaker
Okay, let me get to the, I'll give you all the details you want, Miss Elizabeth.
Gathering for Roof Repair
00:05:01
Speaker
Sandy's there dressed as the rock lobster. Hilarious. That's not helping you build things though. Aren't they? Isn't that helping? I think it is. How do you swing a hammer with those big lobster claws? When the rock lobster is running around pretending to hump everything, the jolly mint, the jollity that you feel makes that hammer feel like it's a feather. Okay. So yeah, we're set up for some good work. So he's basically like a cheerleader.
00:05:25
Speaker
He's the rock lobster.
Humor & Distraction with Sandy
00:05:27
Speaker
Okay, got it. Sneaky Commandos there too. On their most important mission yet at 2024, Jerry, my life coach, Dr. Gaughan, the hippie dentist, and Larry Legs. Larry Legs? I haven't heard of Larry Legs. Larry Legs is a hello Smileton intern, so no wonder you don't know who he is. You have nothing to do. You put your nose up and you let it be known that the interns are not to look at you in the hallways. Me? Here at Smile Syndicate HQ. That's what I heard. I don't think he likes to be called Legs.
00:05:52
Speaker
I don't know why you don't know who Larry Legs is. He's one of the few stumble-bum interns we know who can actually do something, and I trust him somewhat to swing a hammer properly. So he's there, and he's a junior member of the Sneaky Commando Squad. Why is it called Legs? That's what he wants to be called. Larry Legs. He's got long legs. He's proud of his long legs. OK. I didn't think I'd shout that phrase today, but here we are. OK.
00:06:21
Speaker
So that's the crew. That sounds like a pretty crack work crew if you ask me. You got a bunch of people together. Lance's dad shows up with a flat bed trailer and a bunch of wood on it. Okay. So yeah, we're ready to work. You're ready to work. Okay. So he told us we got to work fast. Do you have a plan?
Questionable Wood Source
00:06:36
Speaker
You have a plan together? Like you know what you're doing with your wood? First things first. Okay.
00:06:41
Speaker
So wait a minute, first things first is supplies and then planning comes later? No, first things first is supplies acquired. Number two, if the cops come, he doesn't know us, we don't know him. So we don't know where Lance's dad sourced this wood from, or the truck, or the flatbed trailer. I'm not feeling particularly curious today or that day, so I'm not even going to ask any questions about that.
00:07:03
Speaker
All right. Does anybody have one of those saws so you can saw the wood? We have hand saws, yes. We know we need to cut wood. Come on, we're not dumb. You might need an electric. An electric one? Yeah, yeah. How many? Okay. A little faster. Okay, we're working outside. I know it's safety first. Yeah, exactly. We don't want eight miles of extension cords. All right. We're up to work, Miss Elizabeth. We're men. We can cut wood.
00:07:28
Speaker
Huge hole in the roof, kind in the middle. We got a long day ahead of us. Okay, that sounds like not a very specific plan. Wood. Roof's made of wood. Hole in roof. Put wood where the hole is. Clap your hands together. Well done.
00:07:47
Speaker
Okay, fine. None of us really know how to do this, but, you know, we'll figure it out as we go. I just described the problem and the solution. Are you just gonna be putting the wood over the
Repair Enthusiasm & Wildlife Concerns
00:07:56
Speaker
hole like a bad day? I don't know what you would do with it. No, we're gonna... We're gonna make the hole bigger with the wood. Of course, Miss Elizabeth, we're gonna use the wood to fill the hole. What else? Okay, replace the roof.
00:08:11
Speaker
No, replace. Most of the roof is okay. We're going to fix the... Oh, you tore your jeans there. Might as well throw your whole wardrobe out. Okay. Makes no sense. All right. So we have gumption. We have energy. And most importantly, we have the rock. And probably most importantly, no electric saws around. Right. Yeah.
00:08:35
Speaker
So Lance wheels the PA out. We have one extension cord and that's for that. The PA is huge and he's going to crank those effing tunes. Okay. It was deafening. So you're basically just going to have a party.
00:08:46
Speaker
No, we're going to crank the rock music. We're going to deafen the neighbors. But even Lance's store's neighbors aren't dumb enough to call the cops because they know that loud rock makes light work. That's the plan here. So we're not really sure what to do. We all pick up saws.
00:09:05
Speaker
Start cutting wood. Let's hack these things down to size so we can put them together like a jigsaw, fill in that roof hole. It'd be dumb with it. It's not going to take that long. The roof hole. The hole in the roof. So we'll assemble it when we're done cutting. So let's go, boys. Get to work. Just as an extra little thought here, have you put any thought or any process into rehabilitating, like repositioning the wildlife that has come in through the roof?
00:09:36
Speaker
because you do have a bit of a bat issue is what I'm thinking once the owl moved in the bats went away I'm just thinking this there's the roof has like an airspace in between like there's like a space where the bats have now
00:09:58
Speaker
Colonized you hate nature, then that's fine. Just not a problem It's so what I'm wondering is have you sealed the bats into lances no because the hole it was there before is gonna stay oh We're not fixing the original hole. Just the one that got just the ones that got made by Vance
00:10:13
Speaker
Okay. Oh, the front part. Okay. Got it. Well, yeah. Like we're not, we're not fixing what ain't broken. You can't have too many holes, but that one hole that you always complained about for no reason, that keeps Lance grounded. I told you already, keeps him connected to Rock Mount Olympus. All right. So can I, can I continue the story? Yes, it doesn't make any sense, but go for it. So Jerry, he's, he's, he's, he's my life coach. He's on the ball. You notice as we don't have any ladders.
00:10:40
Speaker
But like we can do, whatever, we'll hoist each other up when it comes time to put the wood together up there.
Ladder-less Roof Repair
00:10:46
Speaker
So no problem there. You're just going to use each other as ladders. You got it, yes. You got any more? Human ladders. You got any more problems? Sandy, you know, it's a lot of work cutting wood. Yeah, we're getting kind of tired. We're getting serious. We got a lot of wood to cut before we start assembling it. So you're fixing a wall. No, we're fixing a hole in a roof. Are you not paying attention? I guess I don't understand, because you said you were going to leave that hole?
00:11:10
Speaker
No, there's... Here's the story of the many holes in Lance's roof. One hole is original. Don't know where it came from. We're not touching that one. You complain about the elements getting inside and the bat guano and all that stuff. And when we just write that, we just consider that decor.
00:11:29
Speaker
That's rock and roll, baby. If you want to amp to antiseptic germ lab, then cart your keister over to Mitch Winchell and his crappy guitar store across town. It's like walking into Safeway there. You could buy fresh meat from that place. No rock anywhere to be seen. So that original whole stays.
00:11:47
Speaker
multiple new holes were introduced into the roof by Lance's hot-headed brother. We got to fix those. Are you up to speed now? I'm up to speed now. Okay, well, Sandy's not helping very much. Why not? Because he's the rock lobster and he's humping the flatbed trailer. He's making a spectacle of himself. But by that point, we've been cutting wood for like three hours. He's not getting many laughs.
00:12:13
Speaker
Plus, come on, you've got to just hump in the flatbed trailer. You've got to come up with something better now. Is he kind of getting tired and starting to slow down a bit? Yeah, he got a little less vigorous than he should be and is a little less funny. And the flatbed trailer is sort of really obvious. I don't know. Maybe the side of the truck would have been funnier, the wheel well or something. I don't know. I probably would have snickered it bad.
00:12:33
Speaker
I think he might need, he might need a new kind of a game. A new gimmick? Yeah, like a new act. If you pardon my French, ask that. Okay. Rock Lobster forever. I'm telling you, even if he's not on his game every day, he's far funnier than anyone else in town. Okay, maybe he could do a dance. Miss Elizabeth, no dancing. Almost like a crab dance, maybe. He's humping, that's enough. He could do a crab dance.
00:12:57
Speaker
It's a good scene. Wouldn't you say it's a wholesome scene of a Canadiana? It's not really wholesome. It's wholesome. There's a bunch of men outside cutting wood, singing along to rock and roll favorites. I don't know what else we want out of life. So we finally get all the wood cut. Finally time to shimmy up to that roof so some of us form a human pyramid so some of the others can get on up there with the
Stacy's Dramatic Arrival
00:13:19
Speaker
wood.
00:13:19
Speaker
Dr. Gawne's up there and he starts looking at the hole, but then he gets distracted by something in the distance. Yeah, and he falls into the hole. He doesn't fall, but he noticed that the dune buggy is flying towards us, trail of dust behind. It's like it's flying out of the desert on a mission or something. Yeah. Before we know it, the dune buggy is upon us and out leaps, can you even guess?
00:13:44
Speaker
Um, oh, is it, um, is it the mayor? No, it's not our inept corrupt mayor, Patty Pepper. Is it the police? Because I know they have a Doon Buggy fleet. They do drive around in Doon Buggy's, but no, it was not a police Doon Buggy dealing with a noise complaint. It was Stacy, the college trained wrestler and member of that famous band Tracy's Grace. She might know how to actually fix that hole in the roof. She could help you.
00:14:09
Speaker
Who even knows? Because she wasn't there to help. That's for sure. She flew advanced. I know. Why? Like straight at him, jumps up, grabs his head. He did something. Miss Elizabeth, I gotta describe what she did. What she does and does. She jumped up into the air, flies at him, like a wrestling move, grabs his leg, grabs his head between her legs, does a twisting thing. He goes flying. So what did he do to deserve it?
00:14:36
Speaker
I'm not done. She picks him up on her shoulders, starts doing an airplane spin. He starts throwing up. Down he goes. Funny. It is funny.
00:14:46
Speaker
So he's on the ground moaning and she spots the rock lobster who just screamed and tried to run away. She catches him. It's hard to run in that costume. She didn't find it too tough to catch him, that's for sure. She charged at him, both feet right in the chest. Down goes the rock lobster and it's pretty clear he's thrown up too, right into the costume. Okay, gross.
00:15:10
Speaker
So whatever, and Stacey, she thinks she's above the law. She's all, anyone else? Maybe she thinks she is the law, you know what I bet, she'll join the police. Don't even joke about that. And she'll go riding around on those dune buggies. It's like a droog from the clockwork orange show, joining the cops. That's what it would be like if she joined the police. No, she's got a reason, she's got a reason.
00:15:36
Speaker
And Brick, Lance's dad, Brick Brock goes, what's the problem here, little lady? Not reading the scene at all. So she explains herself finally. She's all, ah, your block-headed son thought it was funny to moon my sister's bridal shower. There we go. That's the problem. There we go. There it is. And then, so she's committed a number of crimes here. That's assault in my book from where I come from. I think it's justice.
00:16:03
Speaker
And she's rude to Lance's dad. And then she says, I blame his bad upbringing. OK. Yeah, I mean, probably fair. Probably fair. Brick, of course, doesn't get it and just laughs it off. Doesn't take the insult. She hops in her doom buggy, takes off, and we weren't in the mood anymore after that, quite frankly. So those holes are still there. We have a bunch of cut wood. Dr. Gone was stuck on the roof.
00:16:25
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm deflated now. I started this show really happy and I tell that story and now I don't feel so good. My goodness. That was ridiculous. Okay, so you might have learned a few things like planning, you know, could maybe be done before the next time you try. You want to crush the spirit out of any endeavor by having it planned down to the last comma and that's not the way I operate. I just don't think you really know how to keep water out of a roof.
00:16:49
Speaker
What do you think a roof is made out of in this part of the world? Well, you need to probably do some water proofing. Maybe some, like where we are, we need snow proofing. We would snugly fit the pieces of wood together and nail them in place, and I don't know what more you want from me. I think you're going to need some shingles. Yeah, probably.
00:17:07
Speaker
But whatever, Ms. Elizabeth is not my problem right now. But there's also this weather coding that you need. I don't even know what you're saying anymore. I know, you need to look up on YouTube or something. It's fine, it's fine. We gotta play some music. Let me reach over right now to this mountain radio, tune in a song. Here we go. I told you about something that happened in the past. Let us now look boldly to the future in the year 2525. Let's listen.
00:17:35
Speaker
the years 25 25 if man is still alive if woman can survive
00:17:59
Speaker
35, 35. Pain gonna need the truth, tell no lies. Everything you think to or say is in the pill you took today. In the year 45, 45. Don't need your teeth, won't need your eyes. You won't find a thing to do. Nobody's gonna look at you
00:18:36
Speaker
65 don't need no
00:19:12
Speaker
One night it's been pretend
00:19:39
Speaker
Man has cried a billion tears For what he never knew Now man's reign is through But through the eternal night The twinkling of starlight
Dystopian Song Reflection
00:20:30
Speaker
in the year 2525 five smile syndicate right here on hello smile i love that one it always makes me feel so optimistic about the future wow that's an odd thing to say because that's uh that's a that's a dystopian nightmare they're describing there miss elizabeth that's true but i always feel like i could really succeed in a future like that
00:20:49
Speaker
You'd put on your unisex jumpsuit and get those test tubes out and control the rest of us. Yeah, absolutely. I'd be on the side of winning. OK, well, good to know, Miss Elizabeth. Good positive. Look, that, of course, was the cover version of the original done by Zaeger and Evans back in the 60s. They're killing prophecy ever true as ever. Yeah, coming true. Before the year 2525 gets here, there's a little bit of fun to take care of.
Humorous Marketplace Segment
00:21:13
Speaker
Well, fun and industry. I think we need to sell some stuff.
00:21:16
Speaker
so much of the time people are bombarding our show with requests to hawk their garbage, hawk their used material stuff they would throw in the trash so they think they can get a few bucks from instead instead of posting it on Facebook or Kijiji or Craigslist they want to post it on our show so we said fine five bucks an entry it will get you on to small town yeah big marketplace Miss Elizabeth what crap is the town selling today
00:21:44
Speaker
Okay, well I wouldn't characterize it as crap. Umbrella stand. Umbrella stand, Jason. Oh boy. Painted with rainbows and nice ponies. $58, 780 555 1452 and ask for Shirley.
00:22:00
Speaker
Boy Umbrella stand how old is that thing painted with rainbows everybody has umbrellas you can just fold up No one needs an umbrella stand anymore. Oh particularly a Gosh one like this. I feel like you haven't used your imagination to notice the rainbows and nice ponies I see why she wants to sell an eyesore like that, but to ask $58 for it is outrageous It's a very specific number Jason call that number if you're interested otherwise leave me out of this transaction Here's the next one
00:22:30
Speaker
I got a cracked dirt bike helmet for sale. This thing saw me through a lot of adventures but my new girlfriend says I got to give up dirt biking so I'm selling my helmet just for show and I'm gonna hide my dirt bike in my brother's garage. She won't even know and I'll buy a new helmet with the money I get from this one. So looks like I win this one baby! $325, call 780-555-9595 and ask for the dirt bike kid.
00:22:55
Speaker
So you could really only use this as a decoration because it's already been used for hitting your head hard against something. Well, Dirtbike Kid had an adventure that he hasn't told us about. You can't use those things more than one time. I like this kid. I like his moxie. I like that he's not letting his new girlfriend push him around.
00:23:12
Speaker
dirt biking is kind of important to him. He runs around calling himself the dirt bike kid. And the first thing you, Hey, who are you? I'll date you. What's your name? Dirt bike kid. Okay. Well, dirt bikes gotta go. You have a song called dirt bike. I do. It's probably why he listens to the show and knows to post here in the small town, big marketplace. Yeah.
00:23:30
Speaker
So yeah, call the guy up. I would offer more than 325 and just really support him getting a nice helmet and let him get a score of victory over this new girlfriend character. All right, well how about this one? A wonderful parrot brooch. Bold colors and it has a diamond for the birdies little eye. I would like 125 for this please. Gladys 780 555 7650. You're dreaming Gladys.
00:23:59
Speaker
Why is cheap dreaming up? That's like having a little cursed trinket from a weird magic shop on your bosom. Over $300 for a broken helmet versus $125 for a beautiful bold colored parrot brooch with a little diamond for an eye. That's cheap. If you don't mind me saying that's cheap cheap. I do mind, Miss Elizabeth. I tried to stop you, but it was too late.
00:24:25
Speaker
I don't want to be reminded of that psychopathic parrot you hang out with. Oh, come on. There's more than one parrot in this world. That one has pushed all others to the background and thrust itself into the forefront of my consciousness. You have no one to blame but yourself for your relationship with Bird. Fiddlesticks to that. Here's the next one. Farmachine for sale. OK.
00:24:52
Speaker
I would humbly suggest that foghorn card is ours and get in line for this one because this one is going to get sold before I even finish reading this entry out. Fart machine for sale is about the size of a laptop and has six buttons. Each of them triggers a hilarious farting sound. Super loud, go to parties and just wreck them with this thing. You'll wet your pants laughing once the fart machine goes wild. I'm only selling this because I just bought the fart machine 2000 and it's way better than this one.
00:25:21
Speaker
plus my girlfriend said sell the fart machine or we're through so i'm selling this and storing the new fart machine 2000 in my brother's garage looks like i win this one baby 325 calls have an 8 0 5 5 5 9 5 9 5 and ask for the dirt bike kid it's the dirt bike kid he's selling his he's
00:25:42
Speaker
I thought I liked him before, but man, oh man, this kid. No, work on your relationship instead of being so duplicitous. What do you mean? Selling the fart machine for $325 is a steal. He's looking to rake in some cash, upgrade his kit, and all the while his new girlfriend is in the dark.
00:26:03
Speaker
All right. This is awesome. Here's an opportunity maybe even for the dirt bike kit. All right. House cleaner available. Not only will I clean, but I'll declutter your place. I'll throw out the stuff you don't have the heart to. When I'm done, your place will be better. Believe me. $75 an hour. Call me Dominique and let me deal with your mess. 780-555-1201. What a good idea. What a terrible idea.
00:26:30
Speaker
Why is that terrible? You hired me. I told you I was going to leave with stuff from your place. So it was basically permission to be our robber. Declutter. Yeah, declutter. Well, you don't need this jewelry box sitting there. You don't need that OLED TV that's covering up the room. You don't need that Chesterfield in the rumpus room. I never thought of it that way. But Jason, I think. This is licensed to steal. OK, well, I have to say I'm in favor of it. Calling that number is falling. I'll just say that. All right.
00:26:59
Speaker
nudie mags, boxes of them from the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s, 2010s, and 2020s. Why do you have to list all of the decades from the 60s? I don't understand. 60s, 70s, 80s, and so on. Okay.
00:27:19
Speaker
So many. Man, these are awesome. Spent many an hour looking through these. Maybe the man I am today. I really hate to part with these. I'm gonna have to ask for eight grand at least. I really love these nudie mags. Know what, F it.
00:27:34
Speaker
I'm not selling them. I'm gonna hide them. My girlfriend may not like them, but them's the breaks. I'm keeping them. Looks like I win this one, baby. Dirtbite Kid. Okay, it's the Dirtbite Kid again and I have this feeling like the Dirtbite Kid is like a hundred years old.
00:27:50
Speaker
Why? Well, if he's got nudi mags from the 60s, then that means what he was born in the 40s? Have you ever heard of a family heirloom, a family legacy? Oh, no. His grandpa passed on some well-loved nudi mags, something like that, I'm sure. Oh, my goodness. Then his dad kept the tradition alive through the 70s and 80s and maybe the 90s. Now the dirt bike kid is his own man. He's inherited a blessed legacy of nudity. I think this is awful. Awful? This is awful. It clearly gives him joy.
00:28:20
Speaker
seeing nude women from the past and the present day. Oh my goodness. And this girlfriend, trucking along, trying to change every... Like, what does she like about the dirt bike kid? She wants to change every last thing about him. Yeah. It's crazy. I think maybe she should move on. Hey, dirt bike kid, ditch this one and find the dirt bike gal.
00:28:39
Speaker
Yeah, I'd say that's a good idea. Holy, I was skeptical of this segment, but I think we just improved somebody's life in spades, dirt by kid. Are you happy? Yeah, I'm happy now. Okay, good job. Awesome. Well, time to make me sad again by turning to the mailbag. Oh, cheer up. Oh, brother. This is real contact with real, smiling people. Yeah, and look at how we suffer for it when we do such things.
00:29:00
Speaker
Okay, are you ready? Okay, so many people write the show. Miss Elizabeth has picked a few at random, I trust. Or she's picked ones just tailor-made to make me annoyed. I picked the good ones. Okay, so let's hear them. Dear show, I'm a budding podcaster and would like to exchange plugs or interviews or something. Dear show, she couldn't even be bothered to like customize it to us. This is like a, this is cut.
00:29:22
Speaker
Oh, do you think that this one's going out to every show? Every show in the universe. I think this is specific. Okay, so here goes. Here's my plug. Are you ready for the most twisted true crime podcast ever? You probably are, Jason. I'm not. Then, really? Okay, then listen up. Well, that didn't fit with your response.
00:29:41
Speaker
Then listen up. Our first episode is available for download. Apologies for all the noise, but my dad was working on his motorcycle and he wouldn't shut up with it. My name is Melissa and my friend is Michelle. And we're the hosts of the Total Sicko True Crime Show. Subscribe and listen to us giggle and joke our way through our nation's most horrific crimes. Gotta listen. Signed, Melissa.
00:30:07
Speaker
it's not really to my taste not at all no first episode terrible sound quality deafening noise off-putting subject matter unprofessional delivery boy oh boy that's quite a sales pitch you got there Melissa we're not gonna plug that we just plugged that show did we just unwittingly she's actually
00:30:25
Speaker
Well, she fooled us, didn't she? Total sicko true crime show. Now, she got a plug and she's... What do you think she's going to mention? Hello, Smileton on her show? Not a chance. Not a chance. It's probably not her audience, really. Ms. Elizabeth, maybe you should read these letters before you present them. I think you read the first couple sentences and you thought, oh, I could do a good deed here. OK, here's another one. Dear Hello, Smileton, a few tips to improve your show. OK. If there's one thing I love, it's unsolicited advice. By the way, these are bullet points. More animal acts.
00:30:54
Speaker
More animal acts. More ballroom dancing. I have to agree with these. Is this directed to our show? More comedians with material the whole family can enjoy. That's bad. Ever hear of a joke? You guys don't do any, so fix that.
00:31:12
Speaker
Knock, knock. Sing a really heartfelt song at the end to leave the audience feeling that you care about them. I feel like we do all of those things, actually. We have jokes. We're funny. We do play a song at the end. We play a song at the end. Make these improvements and I might keep listening. If you don't, then consider me an ex-listener signed from Joseph A. Peretti Jr. Oh.
00:31:34
Speaker
Well, I'm not going to follow any of this advice. Once again, that's weird. I think this is generic advice. You know what? We have animal acts. We do dance. We're funny. We've heard of a joke and we do heartfelt songs. I think this Joseph A. Peretti Jr. is looking to experience a 70s variety show.
00:31:56
Speaker
That's almost what we're offering. 21st century variety show, Miss Elizabeth. There's a world of difference and decades to.
Rival Podcast Challenge
00:32:03
Speaker
OK. OK, cram that. We're not we're not we're not implementing any of that. OK. Hey, guess what? The hottest podcast to come out of the Triton area has just debuted and we are hot on your trail. Hey, Jason, sounds like competition.
00:32:16
Speaker
We got comedy, we got music, and we got a whole lot of attitude that'll make podcasts like yours want to pack up and go home because you're done. Hello, Smileson. Watch your back. Oh. Pickle Hills Pickle Party Hour. I like that title. No, you don't. Is here. And guess what? We win. You lose. Adios Losers out. Signed, Amanda Beat, Chief Communications Officer for Pickle Hills Pickle Party Productions.
00:32:46
Speaker
What a farcical communication. Wow. I have to say Pickle Party. Pickle Party Hour. That's a fun title. This nitwit just called out our show and you want to give them compliments. Well, I don't know. But if there was a Pickle Party, I might attempt it. Guess what? You throw down with me? You throw down with Hello Smilton? Yeah. It becomes my mission to destroy your show.
00:33:08
Speaker
Okay, go ahead. I'm going to drive you off the air. I'm going to drive you out of podcasting. I'm going to drive you out of Pickle Hill. So I'm going to drive you to sell all your equipment and destroy your files. I'm in favor of that. You will deny ever having uttered one word on a podcast. So the Pickle Party is over. Okay. I'm in favor of that, but I just can't resist a Pickle Party. Fine. Go join their show, Miss Elizabeth.
00:33:35
Speaker
That's a declaration of war from a reckless ne'er-do-well. And guess what? You taunted the wrong doggy. You did taunt the wrong doggy. Jason's coming at you. He's yipping at you already. He's nipping at your heels. Yeah. It's going to be considerably more traumatic than that, Miss Elizabeth. Trust me.
00:33:56
Speaker
That's the mailbag. Perfect. Free plugs, crappy podcasts, and someone who just doesn't know who they're dealing with. You know, that's one of the main ways that podcasts grow these days is by having relationships with other podcasts. And you know, it's not like any podcast wants... What do you mean?
00:34:15
Speaker
It's not like any podcast wants any other podcast to actually succeed. So the only reason why they ever actually talk to each other is to grow a little bit. We're all crabs in a bucket, keeping each other in there, pulling each other down. If I see a podcast succeeding, yeah, I'm going to grab onto you. I seek to destroy it. Yeah, that's right. Well, on that happy note, let's play some music.
00:34:37
Speaker
I actually said this. I said these two words earlier in the show and we're going to listen to them in a sung format now. Rumpus room. Let's go.
00:35:21
Speaker
Brumpest room, pants are tight Brumpest room, livin' large Brumpest room, who's in charge Brumpest room, ooooh, ooooh Dancein' proud Brumpest room, singin' loud Brumpest room, pull em down Brumpest room, party clown
00:35:51
Speaker
Broke this room, like it's a broke this room
00:36:18
Speaker
never mind the rhombus turning in the rhombus there's no rising rhombus digging all the rhombus this must be rhombus
00:36:47
Speaker
Rumpers up and down! Rump this room! Ugly sounds! Rump this room! Go nuts! Rump this room! Grab a butt! Rump this room! Life's routine! Rump this room! Fever dream! Rump this room! What's that smell? Rump this room! Living hell! Rump this room!
00:37:51
Speaker
Rumpus Room by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. There you go. That was a pretty good start to the week. I agree with you. Yeah. Well, we're both feeling upbeat. We had fun today. A little vexatious to be sure, but that's par for the course when you listen to Hello, Smileton. That's right. We're going to be back with you next week with another show where this thing, this endless joyful treadmill keeps on
00:37:54
Speaker
A little rumpus
Conclusion & Positivity
00:38:14
Speaker
spinning. We will grind ourselves into atom dust before we stop giving you the entertainment.
00:38:20
Speaker
All right. Or we might just call it a day. Who knows? The wind can change direction in a moment's notice. My goodness. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, you got to play fast and free. You got to hold things lightly. You got to leave us a gentle footprint upon the sand because the waves, yay, they do come again. OK. Oh, that's very philosophical. I don't know what I'm saying anymore, so it's time to call this one done. Might be time for a glass of wine. This one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out.
00:38:49
Speaker
That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's a bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next weekend. As always, remember friends, the sun is jukebox.