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There's No Better Way To Look Smart Than Listening To This Show
42 Plays7 months ago
An irresistible wave of fun is headed your way so face it head on and enjoy getting clobbered by this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Miss Elizabeth and Jason are more than willing to share their unique brand of comedy and original music and thank goodness for that because there'd be a whole lot of nothing to listen to in this episode if this were otherwise.
In the SMILETON POLICE BLOTTER, Miss Elizabeth gives us a rundown of some of the weird, off-kilter calls the police have to respond to in our town while Jason has his own update to give in the SMILETON TRAFFIC REPORT where we'll hear all about all the surreal traffic headaches that seem to plague our dear little town.
Our plucky co-hosts keep each other honest in the latest NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION UPDATE. Hear who is sticking to their guns and who has failed utterly.
Two songs by THE SMILE SYNDICATE make sure the good times keep rolling and what a tidy little entertainment package ya got before ya.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
7:09 Smileton Police Blotter
16:22 SONG – Banana Bus
18:59 Smileton Traffic Report
25:38 New Year's Resolution Update
34:53 SONG – Rasputin
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction & Podcast Excitement
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello Smiles and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta podcasting capital of the world I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go Jason Hi
00:00:20
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, how are you doing? You're not matching me with energy today. No, I'm not. I'm not in a good
Co-host Dynamics and Vocabulary Insights
00:00:26
Speaker
mood today. I'm not in a good mood right now. Why not? I'm not going to put on a mask of gentility. OK, well, I think you should put on a mask of excitement. I'm excited. Dear listener friend, don't doubt for a second I'm thrilled to be able to keep her in carnival in front of you as we present our fun time grab bag of original music and comedy.
00:00:48
Speaker
One of my favorite things, Jason, just to just to pause you right in the middle of a sentence there is just I get to learn a little bit more vocabulary when I start this podcast. I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm so irritated right now. Is a word I should be using more often. I don't even know if I'm using it right. I don't know if it's a word. I don't know what I'm saying. I didn't know it was a verb, but now it is. I coin words frequently. You're like Shakespeare. I am.
00:01:14
Speaker
Thank you. At least somebody recognizes my talent. The near-to-wells in our studio audience assuredly do not. I have been a dear listener friend of you- No, that's not true.
Audience Critique and Failed Giveaway
00:01:25
Speaker
What? What? They do appreciate it. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't even want to hear it today. Dear listener friend, as always, you are excluded from these condemnations of mine. I am only referring to the ne'er-do-wells in the studio audience joining us today in Smile Syndicate HQ. I have complained frequently over the months, over the years of this podcast, about the kind of people this show attracts. I wish we attracted a higher class of people, Ms. Elizabeth.
00:01:52
Speaker
They're there where we're kind of getting the drags here. My goodness. The way you talk about class. I mean, it's like we're in the 1800s. Oh, stop it. We are not. We are in the 2000s. Oh, no kidding. I look at a calendar frequently. I know what time it is in every sense of that particular phrase. OK. I just try to I just want to set myself up for success. That's all. That's a good idea. I recommend that. That's a good idea.
00:02:18
Speaker
Yeah, but you say that, but you don't do anything to support me in the endeavor. I think I do. No, Mrs. B, you are happy with the quality of people we have in the studio audience today. Yeah, because they're good folk from Smileton. They're good Smileton folk. And they're always here to support us. Yes, they are. Oh, you're making me laugh.
00:02:39
Speaker
They're in to get out of the weather. It's rainy and spoiled in today. Well, that's true. So a lot of them still have their raincoats
Upcoming Segments Teaser
00:02:46
Speaker
on. They're staring at their phones. They're chit chatting. Again, most of them have their backs to us. Well, you don't need to look at a podcaster to be able to enjoy the show. Normally, that's the case because it's an audio performance.
00:03:01
Speaker
Normally, I would say that is just the cursed hand of fate slapping me around a little bit, but this time I tried to do something about it. I tried to attract a higher class of clientele. Oh my goodness. It failed. Utterly. Nothing changed. It's the same old riffraff. Is that because you sent a missive to the Renaissance asking for the higher class of people to... No, I put an ad in the paper. Which paper?
00:03:29
Speaker
The Smilton paper, Miss Elizabeth. The Smilton times pick at you now. Yeah. Soup giveaway.
Police Respond to Witch Panic
00:03:38
Speaker
That's what I said. Come on down, be a member of the studio audience and get free soup.
00:03:44
Speaker
Okay, and you thought that this would attract a higher, quote, class of clientele? Yeah, I don't give two flying f's about soup normally, Miss Elizabeth. It's not on my menu, but pretentious foodies, they're always going on about soup. Oh, you think soup is a pretentious thing?
00:04:01
Speaker
So I thought if I can get some of these foodie snobs and get them thinking, you know, I really got to participate because they care about appearances. They care about looking smart. And I thought there's no better way to look smart than listening to this show. I do not understand why you think that soup is a high class thing. Soup is like a spans all of the different, the entire human experience from high to low, if you want to put it that way.
00:04:30
Speaker
What I love about that utterance is I'm essentially, I've been thrown off a cruise liner. I'm flailing in the water. I'm begging for someone to throw me a life preserver. And Miss Elizabeth is criticizing my stroke.
00:04:47
Speaker
You've got to angle your hand a little different as you flail through your life. You get a little bit more push. You'll be able to use a little bit more or less effort to keep your head above the waves. You feel like my criticism of the use of the soup is the problem.
00:05:01
Speaker
I'm trying whatever I can think of. And if it works, it works. Terrific. And if not, I got to go back to the drawing board. OK, let me ask you this. What exact type of soup? Was it a Campbell's can of soup or was it something like a lobster bisque? Immaterial. It's not a mixture. That's what I'm saying. You have no clue about soup. I've got a box full of soup. I've got a crate full of boxes of soup that I have no use for now because these people aren't getting one
Bikini Car Lifting Incident
00:05:26
Speaker
dribble of it.
00:05:28
Speaker
Okay. Well, describing it as a dribble is also not attracting a higher class of clientele. I'm thinking this whole soup thing was a stupid idea. I think we got to move on to the show. Okay. Dear listener friend, I hope you're ready for excitement. I hope you're ready for entertainment. I'm sorry. Do you have any leftover soup? Because I'm a little hungry. It's all going to the landfill. I don't even care anymore.
00:05:48
Speaker
We have a lot of exciting stuff ahead of you on today's show, in particular. Miss Elizabeth and I are going to keep each other on us with the latest New Year's resolution update. Yeah. Have you been focusing on your resolutions? Wait till later in the show, Miss Elizabeth. You'll find out everything. Also, dear listener friend, if you happen to be driving around town, you're planning a day trip into Smilton or maybe you live here, you got to know what's going on out on those streets. Are there any traffic jams? Are there any
00:06:16
Speaker
problems with the commute that you got to worry about where we're going to spill the beans in Smiles and Traffic Report. Good, but not all over the road because that would cause a problem that would be reported on the Smiles and Traffic Report. Yeah, and an infinite loop would be a be devil this show. That's right. Two songs by the Smiles Syndicate, the middling band from Smiles and we'll be delighting our earbuds throughout the show. Middling band?
00:06:39
Speaker
Yeah, let's call it out, Mrs. But there's some firecracker bands in this town. I'm trying. Again, I'm trying. I don't need the critiques. I just need a little bit of help. Or at least put down the stone. Don't cast your stones at me. I think Smile Syndicate is the number one band in Smileton.
00:06:59
Speaker
okay number one good yeah well if more if more people thought that way my life would get a little easier you should have more confidence oh yeah it's all my fault but first
00:07:12
Speaker
Mean Streets of Smoughton. If you're driving around and you got the all clear from the Smoughton traffic report, you also got to keep your eyes out because they can be the Mean Streets of Smoughton. Crime happens even in our dear little town. Things do happen. Miss Elizabeth is a big snoop. She's got a police scanner and she likes to keep track of what's going on out there. The thin blue line is being monitored. And not everybody has a scanner. So this is my report. Well, Miss Elizabeth is going to present her findings in this.
00:07:43
Speaker
Mileton, police, blotter. Thursday 8.03 p.m., officers responded to a call in the Summer Oaks neighborhood to find a trio of witches hexing passing motorists. Are you aware of this? Were you one of the motorists who was hexed? Not that I'm aware of.
Popcorn Cart Theft Mishap
00:08:06
Speaker
So you didn't see this? There's a lot to say about that one sentence, but we got to get on with it. Well, here's the story. The witches were apparently responding to a recent anti-hexing ordinance that had been passed by Smilton Town Council early last week. What are we doing with our time? All the way around. Anti-hexing ordinance seems like a lot of effort.
00:08:29
Speaker
Silliness officers approached the supernatural women but were frozen in fear when the trio began chanting in an unknown tongue nervous Nervous officers fingered their tasers and one officer in his fear accidentally tased himself. Oh boy
00:08:46
Speaker
This set off a screaming chain reaction among the officers who were convinced that they were no match for the witch's supernatural powers. So they thought the guy who zapped himself was the victim of supernatural malfeasance and they panicked? And there's no evidence that that didn't happen.
00:09:03
Speaker
Yeah, there is. Spare them out. Yeah, there is. There's no evidence. Why did he taste himself? Maybe the witches made that happen. Jesus is not good at his job. Whether history judges these women as civil rights heroes or local attention seeking weirdos remains to be seen. Yeah, I know where my money's going.
00:09:21
Speaker
Boy, there's a lot of silliness to go around in that the police, you're responsible, foolish. Yeah. Why are they given these these attention seeking women the time of day hexing passing motorists? How would you even know? I mean, they still continue to this day just doing what they want to do.
00:09:37
Speaker
Yeah, I don't even know what to do with this story, Ms. Elizabeth. It's the kind of silliness that makes you think that the education system has failed us in fundamental ways. Well, this news story is just informing you this is happening in Summer Oaks neighborhood. So if you want to, you can just avoid them by avoiding that neighborhood. Yeah.
00:09:56
Speaker
Sunday, 2.04 a.m., residents in Misty Lagoon were awakened to a shout and angry utterances from a bevy of bikini-clad beauties who had mobbed a hatchback in which two men cowered pitifully.
00:10:13
Speaker
bemused officers you know the story yeah i know okay uh yeah all right bemused officers looked on as the mob worked together to lift the hatchback off the ground wasn't a very large hatchback and there were many bikini clad beauties yeah but yeah bullying you know it's it's it's it's a subject of oh yeah it's a subject of fun in this town
00:10:35
Speaker
The shuffle-stepping honeys loaded the car onto a nearby flatbed which then drove off with two apoplectic males shrieking inside. Yeah, what would you do? What? I would drive away with it.
00:10:53
Speaker
Officers spoke to the ladies who confirmed that they posed no threats to the general public and that the men were known to them. The officers thanked the bikini mob for livening up what had otherwise been a boring Sunday evening.
00:11:10
Speaker
Of course. The police turned a blind eye to crime. And what kind of town is this? This is not evidence that crime took place here. That was bullying. That was kidnapping. That was Grand Theft Auto. Apparently, the men were known to them. Yes, they're known to everybody in this town, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, who are they?
00:11:29
Speaker
Lance. Lance Brock, my buddy, and Vance. Yes? It was Lance and Vance. Yeah, they're getting hassle. So they went for a ride with some bikini-clad beauties. They must have had a good evening. No. They didn't have a good evening. You're saying they didn't enjoy that? I have a feeling that they got themselves into that situation quite willingly. Okay.
00:11:51
Speaker
They put the word out they needed bikini chicks because they were going to shoot some photos for the upcoming Lance Brock's Goin' Snake album. We've been a little bit stuck in the mud in getting that thing going so we thought if we had an album cover
00:12:07
Speaker
Start there. Yeah, and then we could put that we can make some posters put it up on the wall And we can look at it and use it as motivation like that kitten hanging on hanging in there This is the way to get the album done is by staring at the album cover So what else are you gonna put on an album cover? Bevy of bikini chicks. Well, apparently they didn't like the terms they I don't know if they could if Lance their Vance were rude to them But you can see that whatever happened there was the result of them
00:12:33
Speaker
misunderstanding. So what you're saying is that they got hassled and they had to hide in their hatchback like Cujo. Okay. So what you're saying is that the bikini clad women were also known to Lance and Vance. Well, case closed. Problem solved. Holy sophistry. That's what that is. I don't even know what you said, Mrs. Elizabeth.
00:13:00
Speaker
QED, I just said a bunch of gibberish and I said it with authority, so that's that. Is that what sophistry is? Miss Elizabeth? That was a paper-thin argument you made. Alright, let's just move on to the next story. Okay, let's do crime runs rampant. You should have just said that and moved on. I think that's advanced. Just had a good evening. That's that story. Plus, they couldn't get into the hatchback, so they just picked the whole thing up and took it away. Yeah? That's not on.
00:13:28
Speaker
As on the flatbed, Monday, 9.07 a.m., police converged on a bungalow in the Eastern Shore neighborhood in an early morning raid that saw one nude man taken into custody. Acting on tips from neighbors, officers had believed that they had identified the culprit behind the recent wave of popcorn cart thefts.
00:13:57
Speaker
Speaking to the press later, Smileton police confirmed that they had arrested a suspect in the case. Local man Tony Popcorn stands accused of stealing the popcorn carts and throwing them into the Smileton tar pits. Your old buddy from that popcorn podcast you do, you finally sent him over the edge. He's not a huge fan of popcorn. He hates popcorn. He's tormented by the name. He's sick of everybody assuming he loves popcorn. He should change his name but he's quite proud of the name. No, that's his name. That's right. You should leave him alone is the better answer.
00:14:27
Speaker
Officers proudly displayed a tar-stained pair of overalls and a folder of documents labeled popcorn cleanup plans dash top secrets as their primary evidence. A policed as punched lieutenant then began reading from the file to the assembled press and was subsequently informed that the evidence was now inadmissible and they had no
Musical Feature: 'Banana Bus'
00:14:51
Speaker
case at all so thanks.
00:14:53
Speaker
Good. Justice acts like this crazy Rube Goldberg justice system. We have like the pieces fall into place once in a while and justice comes out by accident. Popcorn was released on his own recognizance. Good.
00:15:08
Speaker
He was well thought out. This was not an act, a crime of passion. This was a dispassionate approach to solving a problem. OK. So he was going to get rid of popcorn in this town one way or another, get everybody to shut up about it, and then his name could just fade into the background like Smith or Jones.
00:15:25
Speaker
Okay, well, I don't think that will ever happen because- Because of your stupid podcast! Because popcorn is delicious. That's why. The law never sleeps, crime never sleeps, and you know what else never sleeps? No. The Smilton police blot her. Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. My pleasure. I'm more terrified than ever to step out onto the sidewalk. I don't know what's going to happen. Well, just be careful around Summer Oaks. Okay, I'll be careful all the time. Head on the swivel. Radio. Because there are some witches out there.
00:15:56
Speaker
I'll go have a talk with those ladies. Oh, you think that'll go well? I think you'll end up tasing yourself. I'll leave the taser at home. Radio time. Let me reach over here and tune in to Smilton Radio. Let's see what the local stations, the local pop charts are saying, telling us what the kids are listening to today. I feel like I need an infusion of potassium. Okay, Banana Buzz, let's go.
00:16:22
Speaker
What's that noise, that rumbling sound? Feel the shaking in the ground? No, this isn't a parade You don't have to be afraid Look at that, what a surprise I cannot believe my eyes
00:16:59
Speaker
Banana bus Lots of room so climb aboard This is what you're looking for World of wonder is inside Sit right back enjoy the ride Banana bus Banana bus Banana bus Banana bus Banana bus
00:17:01
Speaker
The band and full of fun Yellow one that eat the sun
00:17:40
Speaker
What a sight, it kills the sky Still the smoke is, it rolls by Wobbles, but it never stops Down the road and at the top B-doo-b-doo-banana bus B-doo-b-doo-banana bus B-doo-b-doo-banana bus B-doo-b-doo-banana bus B-doo-b-doo-banana bus B-doo-b-doo-banana bus
00:18:28
Speaker
Banana Boss by the Smiles and Nick right here on Hello Smiles
Traffic Chaos from Odd Events
00:18:31
Speaker
and Nick.
00:18:31
Speaker
That is such a summer smiley yellow song. It is. Yeah. The kids love that one. Bright and sunshiny. Mm hmm. Yeah. I'm waiting for the butt.
00:18:44
Speaker
There's no bots. Yeah, yeah, you got that. Okay, Miss Elizabeth. I've worked with you a little while now. I know when you've got some malice behind that grinning countenance. There's no malice. There I am, okay. This is joy you're seeing on my face. Oh, okay, fine. I'm happy. Well, are you ready to get some information thrown at you? Yeah, I wish you would toss it gently.
00:19:04
Speaker
No, these are going to be atom bombs of information and you're going to be grateful to get the word about what's going on. Am I going to be ducking and cowering underneath the podcast table? Not if you're nimble. Okay. Smiles and traffic report. Let's hear about what's going on out there on the streets. Okay. First off, traffic is snarled on Sweetgrass Boulevard. And when isn't it really?
00:19:29
Speaker
That's the problem spot. I don't know what to do about it, but this is a purely man-made problem. People are dressed up as goats and they're blocking traffic and they're frustrated motorists. They're trying to shoo them off the road. Some of them are attempting to coax the faux goats with candy floss, which goats can't resist, apparently.
00:19:47
Speaker
Oh, you know why? Because they're not really ghosts. No kidding. They're humans who didn't get the memo. Yeah, they're addicted to sugar. So that's, you know, if you want to go down and just have your top blown off and rage and look at these ridiculous people causing problems and traffic going down a sweet grass boulevard, but otherwise avoid.
00:20:08
Speaker
Going another part of town, slow going on Happy Trail. Happy Trail? We haven't heard about Happy Trail on this show. Well, normally it's smooth sailing on Happy Trail, but not today. It's the happiest trail. The Kickapoo kids are apparently doing some kind of event right out there on the street. No license, no permits. It's called the Jay Walker's Jamboree. Cars are slow to a crawl because there's dancing seniors everywhere making a mess. They're getting there. They're getting in the way. They're dancing on the streets.
00:20:34
Speaker
Apparently, police are on the scene and there's been some flare-ups with some of the seniors. They've been taking swings at cops. Well, swings at cops. That's funny. Like dancing with some of them and swinging them around on the road. No, they're like, this is, hey, you seniors, you've got to stop dancing. Then a left hook comes out of nowhere.
00:20:54
Speaker
Exactly, so if you're in the mood for a good show head on down there because it sounds like this is building towards something hilarious. Okay. Get a move on down to Happy Trail. Whether you want to fight or you just want to dance. You know this is one of those things where people who don't live here think what a wonderful town you live in that these spontaneous expressions of joy could happen and you know you're just going about your workaday world and all of a sudden this
00:21:16
Speaker
Surreal thing happens. You're not in there sitting in a car trying to get to an appointment and complete complete road blockage and no ETA for being able to move again. That's considerably less joy inspiring. For you, but most of us just get out and just participate.
00:21:32
Speaker
And then you're all part of the problem. Angus Pepper. Memorial Drive. Ugh, talk. Miss Lucas? Yeah? I can barely contain my rage at this one. A bunch of hot air balloons have been landing right on the road. They're taking motorists up for the view. Everybody seems happy with the situation except me. They're providing service. Again, do it in a park. Do it in a field. We're surrounded by M&S in this town. Mm-hmm.
00:21:56
Speaker
No, that's not where the people are. You got to go where the people are. Angus Pepper Memorial Drive is one of the main thoroughfares through Smilton and you're gonna blow hot air balloons landing. Yeah. Well, there's one special hot air balloon that is for the specific event and it actually will open a gate and allow one small vehicle to drive right into it so that it can be lifted off. And that is something it was in the paper. You probably just missed it. But that's what's happening there. And then they also... Yeah, that's fun. It's fun. Yeah. Also,
00:22:26
Speaker
Lance and Vance didn't enjoy it when it happened to their car, but apparently they didn't volunteer for that service. They aren't volunteering for much these days. They're getting victimized, left, right, and center. And I heard Dr. Gone, my buddy, was down there. Yeah. And he was on his moped trying to get through. And he told me he saw the balloon in your head. That hot air balloon with your head. Apparently, I don't know, you're loaning it out. I don't know if
New Year's Resolutions Update
00:22:48
Speaker
you were down there flying. It's so lifelike, Jason.
00:22:51
Speaker
disturbing these set these these heads if you just loading up like with the with the vacant stairs yeah you take like a double take because you sometimes you look at it and you think it's my real head but the perspective is is weird you know
00:23:04
Speaker
I don't think your head's floating in the sky. Don't mistake it for the real thing. I know that. I know that. It's like a sudden thing that happens with people. They made it too realistic is what I'm saying. Yeah, it's creepy. It's the uncanny valley up there. I would say beautiful. Well, where do we differ? Quick update on the situation on Sweetgrass Boulevard with all the people dressed up as goats. That's stupidity. Real goats have entered the fray.
00:23:25
Speaker
Oh, real goats are in now. Yeah. Yeah. There's real goats all over the place because Smilton uses them to keep the grass down on the side of the road. So they eat grass. They love doing that. I'm enjoying. They make a good buck doing it. I'm enjoying the confusion that must be involved there because it is sometimes hard to tell the difference between a real goat. Yeah. It's a mess. The goats are all distracted because they see these crude smack.
00:23:49
Speaker
And it turns out some of those real ghosts actually do like the candy floss, too. Again, if you're a listener and you're trapped in this mess, just abandon your vehicle. This is not getting resolved anytime soon. Definitely Sweetgrass Boulevard is the place to be this weekend. I think we have to go there. Oh, you anticipated going on for days and days.
00:24:12
Speaker
We have to we have to enjoy this scene because the goats are enjoying it and the people are enjoying it and there's candy floss It's like a carnival This is terrible, this is bad news for Smilton motorists
00:24:26
Speaker
Well, in other news, it's Bedlam down on Succotash Street. You can't- Oh, boy. S-S-S-S-SMOTOMOTORUS CAN'T CATCH A BREAK. There's another word I don't use often enough. There's a couple in the middle of the street, spinning around, chasing each other, embracing, confetti falling everywhere. Big smiles. It's like the last scene of a rom-com. Did they just get engaged?
00:24:46
Speaker
None of us are privy to what's happened down there with these two lovebirds Seem to think it's okay to block traffic in both directions and why not? They've been taught that by everything they see around them people dressed up as goats hot air balloons traffic is the casualty and all this So if you're down there roll the window down and yell at these goofs to go get a room or something. Oh
00:25:06
Speaker
So they're literally just like a lovers. It's the end of a rom-com and we didn't see the lead up so we don't really care and once again traffic suffers. All right. I got places to be.
00:25:23
Speaker
That's the Smilton Traffic Report. Well, the Smilton Traffic Report is just so full of life this week. I just love it. I can feel my heart beating in my face, like behind my eyes. You're so stressed out. The pulse of rage. Oh my goodness.
00:25:38
Speaker
Well, we got to calm things down by looking to the future and making sure we're staying on the right course to get there with style You're so stressed out that I wonder if you haven't been neglecting your New Year's resolution. Oh, yeah Don't you worry about that? This is the New Year's resolution update It's easy to shoot your mouth off about what you're gonna do in the year way back in January, but here we are late May
00:26:01
Speaker
Many people, almost everyone, forgets all about their resolutions. They've abandoned them like so much garbage, but Miss Elizabeth and I have decided that is not the way to live a life.
Steampunk Fashion Debate
00:26:12
Speaker
You've got to stay on those resolutions and we've got to keep each other honest. We're going to do that right now, so I'm going to start with you. I'm going to demand an update on this one. Have some fun with my journal entries. Make it rhyme sometimes.
00:26:25
Speaker
Yeah, you know what? I write my journal every single day and I do it as like a precursor to the day, almost like as a planner. It's almost like a planner. And sometimes I come back and report what happened and yet just try to make it a little bit poetic, just make it a little bit more fun. And my grandma always said, draw a little picture. Oh, did she? Yes. Do you draw a little picture when you're slagging me in that journal?
00:26:50
Speaker
I do not like you, Jason. Now, you know that my journal is an open book. It is not a secret journal. Yeah. You can read it any time. Yeah. I'm just to say, if I'm if I'm being unjust here, I do like you hardly ever. Hardly ever. There we go. I thought there would be some outlet for for your for your annoyance sometimes because you're always so smiley. I'm not annoyed with you.
00:27:16
Speaker
Oh, are you sure? Yes. Okay. I'm not. I may have seen a word or two in there and it made me see red. Really? Well, I do write with red ink sometimes. Oh, very good. You're an expert. Okay. Hit me with mine. Okay. How do you even do a donut in a car? I tried once and just ended up hitting a fire hydrant.
00:27:37
Speaker
Yeah, I don't even know. Question. Yeah? How is that a resolution? What do you mean? That's not a resolution. Answer the question is the resolution. How do you even do a donut in a car? You're not resolved to do donuts, are you?
00:27:53
Speaker
It's a resolution, so yeah. No, you're not. I think so. What do you mean? Why do you think it's in the resolution update? Okay, the safest way to do donuts in a car is to park your car and eat the donut. No, again, word play, evading the point. I look at TV shows.
00:28:13
Speaker
And I see these cool people just gunning it, and the tires are screaming, and there's smoke everywhere, and the tires are screaming, and they're doing these cool donuts, and they're making these marks all over the road. And I thought, well, the first thing you got to do is hit the gas. So I do that, and I hit a fire hydrant. That was problematic.
00:28:34
Speaker
I so I don't even know how to start so the best isn't movie trickery miss Elizabeth So you know you if you're gonna do real donuts in a car. You got to do it in wintertime, so it's like slippy Yeah, that's cheating, and I see the marks on the road anyway I see marks on the road people do do it in real life. I've seen YouTube videos miss Elizabeth. It's got it can't even be trickery trickery What's mine?
00:28:58
Speaker
Steampunk isn't dead if at least one of us still dresses up. That's right. I keep steampunk. No, let it lie, Ms. Elizabeth. Let it lie. I love steampunk. It's an exp- You know why? Why? It's like in the Victorian period, but also in the future. Yeah. It's an expensive, wasteful hobby.
00:29:14
Speaker
Well, it doesn't have to be expensive. And I'm glad so many of those people have turned their backs on it because they go to something, they see a costume, they see an expensive hat or a puffy shirt or some fancy pants and they buy this stuff and they have monocles and they have all this stuff.
00:29:32
Speaker
And then they realized, well, that was money well spent. That was $880 for this little ensemble that I could never wear again. You wear it again and again and again. No, I don't see it. This whole steampunk thing seems to have petered out, run out of steam, if you will. We have to bring the steam back.
'Boss Brain' Business Book Idea
00:29:48
Speaker
Well, I would say devote your time to more productive activities.
00:29:52
Speaker
Okay. Well, I like it though. Yeah. Like what you like, but read the room. All right. Learn how to throw my voice. I'd totally be able to make people's head spin in any social situation. Now this is a superpower to me. That is a resolution.
00:30:09
Speaker
Thank you. Yeah. And I'm working on it. Okay. I've been... Watch this. I can... Hey, Miss Elizabeth. I mean, who's... Who's making that... Who's talking to me right now? That's not throwing your voice. That's ventriloquism. Hey, I'm behind you, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. That's ventriloquism. Oh, pardon me? You're talking to me? That's not... That's not throwing your voice. Miss Elizabeth, I'm behind you. That's very creepy.
00:30:39
Speaker
That wasn't me. Hey, my mouth was closed.
00:30:45
Speaker
Okay. Well done. That resolution is coming along. I guess it's underway. Yeah. Okay. Don't be afraid to add some zest, and I don't just mean with cooking. But I do also mean with cooking. Then get your story straight. Start with cooking. Start with zest, which is like a citrusy type of thing. High flavor, high color, and delicious. Now add it to every other place in your life.
00:31:13
Speaker
Add it to fashion. Add it to your walk. Add it to your stride, Jason. I think I figured you out. I think I figured your trick out here. What's the trick? You got to present something that is insanely easy and nebulous and you can just claim a green check mark for just by having the idea not doing anything with it. But you present it with such energy where it makes me think there must be something behind this because you're so motivated. Okay. Yeah, it's a cloud. It's a cloud of candy floss.
00:31:39
Speaker
I have openly told you that is my strategy with these resolution updates. That is my strategy. Okay, fine. You've got to be able to do the thing and then do it with vim, vigor, and verve. And zest, if you will. Yeah, words. In fact. Words and words and words. Yeah, words. And then actions. Hit me with mine.
00:32:01
Speaker
Is there a book called Boss Brain? If not, I should write it. I've got a lot of powerful business type thoughts that I should put down on paper. You're going to write a book? I should. You should. With the ideas in my head, I should be sharing them. I love the idea of Boss Brain. Boss Brain. It's kind of like Grain Brain or Wheat Belly.
00:32:22
Speaker
what are you talking about it is nothing like i don't even know what those are no okay i don't want to know no what i'm telling you is i think i'm a boss belly and my my idea to help people descends into mockery
00:32:41
Speaker
Boss Belly might also be a fun title. Boss Brain, because I have a lot of business type thoughts. I told you that. They need to be shared. I don't have any business training. But the instincts, Miss Elizabeth, they are so sound. I think I should just do a stream of consciousness thing and dump these ideas about business. I'll call it Boss Brain.
00:33:02
Speaker
Because that's what I got, boss brain. You got a boss brain? I got the boss brain. And if I share the boss brain thoughts with other people, I could develop their own boss brains pretty soon. We're living in a paradise. OK. Something like that. Sounds amazing. I'm just riffing.
00:33:19
Speaker
I got no clear plan here, but I got a share. It's a resolution. It's to be worked on. It's to be honed and crafted. I mean, it sounds like something that would be high value for all of society. I just also wonder about, like, boss neck and maybe boss buns. Boss buns. Well, there we go. My idea is in the toilet. It's been sullied by this.
00:33:40
Speaker
Ridiculous these ridiculous off the top of your head ideas that just ruin everything All right.
Musical Break: 'Rasputin' Cover
00:33:45
Speaker
Well, don't be discouraged Yeah, and yeah and then something I know and plus what I will write this thing and I can I won't be able to get it published because there are too many dogs getting their books published in Smiles and Miss Elizabeth and
00:34:01
Speaker
Rainbow's the book writing dog. Well, he can help you if you want. She can help you if you want. I don't need help from a dog getting a book published, but I'm saying I got to get in the back of the line because she's got her next manuscript lined up. I heard stuff this week, Miss Elizabeth. It annoyed me. We won't even go into it. But again, why bother? I don't want that to be the final word of New Year's resolution update. Why bother? But here we are.
00:34:29
Speaker
We'll put things down on paper. Oh, don't worry. Boss Brain will be taking over soon and I'll be on every cable TV network, uh, shilling that thing. All right. Music. Time for more Smile Syndicate music. We're here at the Marquis Song Slot, the most coveted spot in all of podcasting. Why don't we turn it over to a cover of a song that's beloved by all. Rasputin. Right on. Let's go.
00:35:50
Speaker
There is a certain man in Russia long ago He was big and strong in his eyes of flaming blue Most people looked at him with terror and with fear As a Moscow jinx, he was such an ugly deer He could preach the Bible like a creature Full of ecstasy and fire
00:36:18
Speaker
There was a cat that really was gone. Raw, raw, Rasputin, Russia's greatest bus machine. It was a shame how he carried on.
00:36:42
Speaker
He ruled the Russian land, and never mind his art But the cars are tough, he does really go to bar In all affairs of state, he was the man to be But he was real great when he had his girl to squeeze For the queen, he was no wheeler dealer Though she knew the fix he'd done
00:37:08
Speaker
Rororobrudin, lover of the Russian queen There was a cat that really was gone Rororobrudin, Russia's greatest love machine It was a shame how he carried on But when his drinking, his lusting, and his hunger for power became known to more and more people The demands to do something about this outrageous man grew louder and louder and louder
00:37:52
Speaker
His master's gotta go and claim his enemy But the lady's fake, don't you try to do it please No doubt this right routine had lots of hidden charms Though he was a brute
00:38:17
Speaker
Rarara's routine lover of the rushing queen They put some poison into his wine Rarara's routine rushed his greatest love machine He drank it all and said I feel fine Rarara's routine lover of the rushing queen They didn't quit, they wanted his head Rarara's routine rushed his greatest love machine And so they shocked him till he was dead Oh my goodness
Episode Wrap-up and Sign-off
00:38:52
Speaker
Rasputin by the smile syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. That is an excellent song. Also one you can dance to. If you want. And you could argue nobody had boss brain like Rasputin. I don't know. He wasn't really the business type. You feel like it was more like boss belly or boss buns. Yeah. Again.
00:39:14
Speaker
Dear listener friend is not going to remember boss brain but they will remember boss buns and this whole thing will be completely ruined. I think Rasputin may have had boss buns. So you took my idea and kind of crumpled it up and turned it into a mockery of itself and then handed it back to me and was like here you go do this and I was like well this is I don't even recognize this thing. Well thanks for that. It's gone now.
00:39:39
Speaker
So much for Boss Brain, dear listener friend. Another perplexing episode. I hope it is, somehow we've given you enough fuel to get you through this week. Enough joy was delivered to see you through and to get you all set and ready to join us next week as we present another all-new episode of The Summit.
00:39:59
Speaker
Hello, Smileton, not the old show name. If you find your flagging midweek, go back to a previous episode. It'll give you that turbo charge you need. Check out Smileton Music on all digital streaming platforms. And in the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun, Miss Elizabeth.
00:40:17
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And goodbye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is the jukebox.