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There's Gotta Be A Reason To Keep Listening
39 Plays5 months ago
Putting this show in your ears is like biting down on a high voltage line of entertainment. Sound fun? Then get listening to this, the latest epsiode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth are proudly presenting this lovingly crafted piece of audio entertainment of the comedy and original music sort and they hope you don't start shunning other podcasts on account of how good this one is.
In today's episode, a doubleshot of classic doubleshots of episodes gone by. Whether you're looking for the latest in over-the-top intense yoga in Smileton, an update on the insane traffic situations that bedevil our little community, a list of the latest Smileton hotspots you gotta check out, or our plucky podcast hosts keeping each other honest about their New Year's Resolutions, you've got a ton and a half reasons to check out today's episode.
We'll even add two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE to sweeten the deal.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
2:39 Smileton Traffic Report / New Year's Resolution Update (from October 23, 2023)
19:52 SONG – Ice Fishin' Cutie
23:33 A Yoga Moment with Angel / Around Town (from December 4, 2023)
44:32 SONG – I Won't Waffle
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Transcript
Introduction and Show Overview
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileson. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world.
Hosts' Personal Week and Oilers' Game
00:00:14
Speaker
I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, thank you so much for the introduction. Nice to see you. Oh, same here. How are you feeling? i Exhausted. You seem a bit tired. I wasn't going to mention it. I'm very exhausted, Miss Elizabeth. It's been a hectic, harrying week. that culminated in disappointment uh oh hardly a foghorn foghorn so i went to the nearest big city to watch some and nhl action on and my team was in the final so this is not street hockey no ah see that's the thing you sometimes you're going to watch hockey on the ice we sometimes have to call it ice hockey we never call it ice hockey it's just hockey we don't But in this show, we might have to. Street hockey. It is street hockey. Yeah. Anyway. Community League. I was at game six of the final cheering for the Oilers. Blew my voice out completely. Game six? That wasn't even last night. It wasn't last night. It was a few nights to go. You ruined yourself. Yes, Miss Elizabeth. My voice is wrecked. It's still not good. You can hear it in my voice that the voice is shite. Oh, no.
00:01:22
Speaker
But I'll survive I say as you were leaving as you were as you were exiting exiting smile syndicate X HQ the last that Time of day when I least need a nagging or advice I think I might have just reminded you of the last time that you went to a live ice hockey game hockey and I said that you ble preserve your voice And I said up yours don't tell me on a podcast. That's exactly what happened. Yeah, so then I went to the watch party. Game seven didn't go the way we wanted. We'll have to start again next year. That's fine. You are taking this like a champ. a That's what Ms. Elizabeth champ. That's what you just said. That's what I just am.
Revisiting Past Episodes and Traffic Reports
00:01:59
Speaker
yeah A podcasting champion. Wow. Well, congratulations on being the champion. ah Second place winner.
00:02:07
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, don't even do that kind of stuff. okay and It didn't turn out the right way. A cosmic injustice has happened, but it'll get rectified. So don't even worry about it. I'm not. okay we We're going to have a fun show today. We're going to go into the archives. pick out some good stuff from this show's rich history, history history either this show or its spiritual forebear, the previous show we did, the smile syndicate music hour. I'm going to turn this over to you and just say, why don't you, since you have blown out your voice and you're feeling a bit down in the dumps, why don't you be the one to make the picks? Oh, well, thank you, Ms. Elizabeth. like ah often yeah This is my treat from you. Thank you very much. Well, I do have a couple of things off the top of my head that I'd like to hear again.
00:02:51
Speaker
The first one is a particularly delightful segment we did as part of episode 55 of this very show. Hello, Smilton. The episode was called The King is Dead. Long live this guy. It first aired 2023, October 23. And the segment was a deadly combo of the Smilton Traffic Report and New Year's resolution update. Wow. Let's listen. Okay, enough fun time. Time for some real information. Okay. Smilton Traffic. Yeah, this is practical information. News you can use. It absolutely is. So let's crank the theme.
00:03:26
Speaker
Alright, let's go it put me in the mood to hear about the cars racing around town. Definitely feel motivated by some of those engine sounds. It's slow going on Angus Pepper Memorial Drive. Some intrepid Northside Community Street hockey players are having a game right in the middle of the road. Miss Elizabeth, that's more like a freeway than a normal street, so that's a bold move playing street hockey right in the middle of a freeway. It's a little bit too big, but they do like to have a few more lanes to play in. It's more roomy and it gives more room for audience, too. The game is bigger than our roads can contain. Yeah.
00:03:59
Speaker
Admirable, but impatient drivers that have started driving through the games. The players are bouncing off the cars like 10 pins shot with a cannonball. It's a dangerous scene down there. If you keep your distance, it could be hilarious because apparently those cars are not slowing down at all. Don't worry about the hockey players. They got their street hockey equipment on there. They're well protected. But momentum is momentum. Ms. Elizabeth, in standing your ground against the 1974 Buick, that's a tall order. Yeah, maybe don't take that memorial drive. Or do if you want to see a show. Some cosplay dimwits are causing trouble on Succotash Street. An impromptu jousting tournament is happening right now in front of Mod's massage. Why are you calling them dimwits? This is an official thing that's happening. Did you hear the rest of what I said? It's an event. An
New Year's Resolutions and Personal Goals
00:04:50
Speaker
impromptu medieval jousting tournament. Well, I don't think it's really impromptu just because you didn't know what was going to happen. It's impromptu to me because it's on the road, it's disrupting traffic. It's a real ridiculous event. All right. Right in front of Mod's massage, people are either pent up, they need to get relaxed, they can't get to Mod's place. Yeah. It's a powder keg. We have to park away and walk.
00:05:13
Speaker
Well, and why? there way Do you think this ah faux medieval jousting is more important than human humans connecting with each other? okay well Well, in any case, the would-be patrons are getting out of their cars and attacking the knights. So once again, it could be a bad scene, bad for traffic, probably good if you just want to hoof it on down there and watch, because it sounds hilarious. Although the knights could just go into Maude's Massage for some instant relief if they do get hurt. Yeah, well, Miss Lisbeth, we can all come together as a community at the end of the day.
00:05:44
Speaker
The goofs dressed up as horses have so far been spared, the pummeling blows being meted out to the erstwhile knights. Oh, that's lucky. That's one of them being a sunshine there. Okay, so there's no actual horses in this jousting. I didn't realize that. No, no, there's two goofs dressed up as a horse with another goof on them pretending to joust. Got it, okay. Would-be massage patrons are letting their fists do the talking and meeting out some justice. Yeah, okay. Uh-oh.
00:06:22
Speaker
and there's no eta on this situation being resolved Wow. Pranksters. Prank Squad X. Well, I don't know. This seems to have their fingerprints all over it. um little bit A little bit on the unsophisticated side, but I can picture some of these motorists just sitting there screaming at themselves in the mirror for hours on end, yeah not recognizing themselves. Again, another great situation. Don't take your car down ah there, but ride your unicycle. or hoof it on down. Have you ever seen a cat like fight itself in the mirror? Once or twice? Yeah, so that's kind of what's happening here with drivers. And I sternly correct the beast. Cat, you got to smarten up here. That's yourself. Do you not recognize yourself? Do I need to make that collar brighter? does what Do I need to introduce neon colors so you can recognize yourself? Yeah. yeah Miss Elizabeth, i i I don't put up with the silliness from cats.
00:07:15
Speaker
Okay, because when they lift up a paw, the reflection lifts up their paw too. It's a challenge. It is. Newly installed speed bumps on Sunshine Lane are taken out of the undercarriages of cars. Only if you speed over them. If you go slow, everything's fine. They painted them the same color as the road. No one can see them. And that's a fun place to speed if I may be so bold. okay So yeah, they're just broken axes and tires everywhere. It's yeah just's a horrific sound when you're hitting that speed bump at speed because it's that it's or it's it's an especially aggressive speed bump. Okay, that's Sunshine Lane then. Yep, so heads up. Sunshine Lane. That's the Smiles in Traffic report. yeah Be careful out there.
00:07:54
Speaker
Wow. There's lots of crazy, crazy things interfering with traffic. yeah it's ah it's ah It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world, Ms. Elizabeth. And the traffic report is supposed to gig give you a little bit of sanity. Well, maybe you can just avoid some of those traffic snarls. Yeah. That's the whole point. yeah if you're yeah If you want to avoid a traffic snarl, listen up. If you want to go see something funny happening, listen up. OK. Well, will we cover all the bases. OK. Let's ah cover all the basis for all the promises we made to each other this year, Ms. Elizabeth. The resolutions that we set in stone and we swore we would endeavor to achieve. Jason, I have been working hard to just try to keep up with some of my resolutions. Like, I've got a lot of resolutions I got to admit.
00:08:38
Speaker
So how about you? How are you feeling about your resolutions? I'm fine. I'm just fine, Miss. lu I'm seeing the road ahead and I'm pretty proud of myself for all the good work I've done so far this year. So I'm ready to challenge you on your first resolution right now. So how's it going with this one? all right Halloween or not, adding a costume party to people's calendars is always a good idea. Well, yeah, that's true. yeah we Yeah, it's easy to achieve your resolutions to to to keep up with them when it's just meddling It's just meddling in people's lives. You're putting this unwanted stuff in people's calendars Yeah, who do you think is looking for a costume party miss? So the weird thing is I actually have access to a lot of people's digital calendars. Just over the years, I seem to have collected them. So what I can do is I can just add, you know, like a little incentive for people to dress up a little bit more special. um Call it a Halloween costume, if you will. I will. And I can just add it in and then they might show up to the next event in that costume. And then so if you intend to wear a costume because it's fun, you might find that a few other people have as well. And then some other people show up that you don't have their calendars and then they're like, it's a costume party and they run back to their car, take out the costume out of their trunk that they drive around in and
00:09:55
Speaker
yeah Yeah, it becomes more of a costume situation at, say, like um just a regular dinner out or out at day at the orchestra, you know, at the symphony. We do speak the same language, do we not? Yeah. I don't understand one word you just said. No costumes. That makes no sense to me, Miss Elizabeth. This happy face you put onto a wide intrusion into them, people's most private business. yeah're You're going into people's calendars, putting these weird parties in there. I don't know. I don't know i don't know what is motivating this. well yeah are yeah And you you're telling me you hang around with people who drive around with Halloween costumes in their trunk? Don't you? yeah and No.
00:10:35
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I actually take steps to make sure that that's not true with the people I hang around with. You don't have to call them Halloween costumes. I mean, there is a Rock Lobster you know a costume going around. Oh, wow, Miss a Elizabeth. way It's apples and oranges. you could wear that Hilarious apple versus a boring, weird orange. OK. Yeah, i i don't know what I don't even know how to challenge you on that one, because I don't think you should even be fun you shouldn't even be thinking of this, let alone trying to do it. OK, well, it injects fun and it just motivates people to think that they're coming up with the fun. OK, yeah. Yeah. so Puppet master. yeah You're the puppet master of people's social lives. OK, well, here's yours. Be like that smartass kid in the parkour video. Yeah. Which which parkour video? The one I saw the other day, this smart-ass kid, he was running his mouth, but then he would do these like crazy backflips or jumping across buildings in an alley or navigating a staircase in a creative, impressive way. okay Everybody was cheering him and applauding him. So it says be like... So I gotta add some of that. I gotta take some of that kid's spirit. so but you know i'm i'm always Unlike you, Miss Elizabeth, I'm always willing to learn from people.
00:11:44
Speaker
And I see this smartass jumping around like a locust. And he's impressed in people. And I think, I got to get more like that guy. OK. Simple as that. All right. I got to get like that guy. I don't know how to do parkour, though. I can't even do a somersault anymore. Well, maybe if you just take on his attitude, maybe that's what I'm thinking. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. That would suffice, because all you said is be like that smartass kid. So maybe if you were just more of a smartass, that would cover it. Yeah, it could be. Could be. I think smartass plus parkour, I would be up in my game. Yeah, believe it or not, such a thing is possible. You think I'm already firing on all cylinders already, but there's always a way to get better, Miss Lizzie. There's always another cylinder. So to me, that sounds like a real New Year's resolution, whereas yours was just a baffling smoke screen. I don't, okay. I don't feel like we need to compete, but you know, yeah. Well,
00:12:40
Speaker
It's not a competition, it's just keeping... It isn't, Miss Elizabeth. We're just trying to have a couple of lives here, lives well lived. So you don't have to be insulting. It's not insulting, Miss Elizabeth, but we clearly have different approaches here. We do. A homemade superhero outfit will make even the most committed sourpuss smile. Make one today. That's true in two ways. Number A, you can make yourself smile even if you are a sourpuss because you're dressed up now as a superhero. And number two, you make people who are maybe feeling down on their luck, you make them smile out in the street. Do you know how I would react if i but if I created a superhero costume at home and put it on and looked at myself in the mirror? I want to know because you are one of the most committed sour pusses that I know personally. but Well, right. And if I looked at myself in one of those get ups, I would weep. You would weep. I I think you might smile. This is a grotesque summation of a number of poor life choices. Okay, I think you would smile, but listen, even if you didn't smile, it would make a sour puss on the street smile to watch you walk down the street wearing that Superman costume. I've got so much on my plate, I can't worry about the interstate of other sour pusses. Okay, I don't know if this one really is a New Year's resolution, but here it is. There's no such thing as too much pizza. That's not a resolution. It is, what elizabeth but there's a story behind this.
00:14:01
Speaker
Eat more pizza. Okay, well it doesn't say that in here. Oh, read between the lines. I'm okay. Well, you shouldn't have to on a resolution. ah I know exactly what this means. It should be very specific. So I'm pointing out a fact. I'm pointing out a fact. Okay. There's no such thing as too much pizza. Okay. Why would I need that fact pointing pointed out to me? Why? Because I failed in some way. Oh, come on. I have in one way or another, my actions have indicated I believe otherwise. Shameful. I got to correct that. see There is no such thing. Conduct yourself accordingly. All right. How about, no, I don't think so.
00:14:38
Speaker
yeah You don't think what? There's no such thing as too much pizza? I think there is such a thing as too much pizza. Have you eaten pizza before? I think you that for mr elizabethbo have achieved that limit. That first bite, life is good for nothing else. It's that first bite of a pizza slice. Okay, I think the first bite isn't the problem though. I think the problem is when you hit the pizza wall and you try to push yourself through it. What that that's when you know you're in this that's and when you know you're warmed up okay I said miss Elizabeth there is such a thing as too much I gotta get my own approach to pizza straighten out and once I fix myself i'll I'll get to work on you okay learn more French phrases to use at the gang's next dinner party oui oi oi miss Elizabeth
00:15:21
Speaker
i I don't even know where to start with this one. Well, I do need to learn more French phrases. Those dinner parties you have are pretentious enough. You want to even, you you want to just up that. you You're thinking you weren't pretentious enough. It's good to practice. Practice makes perfect. I can't take it. The gang. I'm going to call the gang together. We're going to have a dinner party. just We socialize in different worlds. Well, you know, I'm going to have to bring you, I think, to the next one. If I tried that stuff with the food court regulars, you know what would happen to me? You'd learn some French? Mockery. OK, the opposite of mockery would happen. People would be impressed that you had started to learn a second language. I can't learn French, Miss Elizabeth. I've tried. In Canada. We're living in Canada. It's a weird language. No one can learn that thing. We do have two official languages. We should know some French. We've got lots of languages here, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, but official languages, we have two. Fine. I'm working on other ones.
00:16:12
Speaker
OK, primarily English. All right. English is big enough for me. Well, we do still have to learn a lot. and I get through this whole show using one language. There's always more. There's always more words in English. There's always more English words. That's right. OK, King of Muscle Beach. That's me this summer. That's three sentences. Two of them are not sentences. Actually, none of them are sentences.
00:16:34
Speaker
Okay, so I don't know I don't under understand you're gonna have to explain. What is this? resolution Boy talk about like this i so you want to um but Why do you think you want to be like you want to be the king of Muscle Beach? ah Okay, is that because of your muscles? The muscles all have okay. I'm not jacked enough to be king of Muscle Beach miss I was gonna i wasn't gonna say it out loud, but that is the truth You are not jacked enough to be the king of Muscle Beach. No kidding
00:17:06
Speaker
Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, thanks for putting it, but thanks for just putting it right on the nose there. Why do you think I created, Miss Elizabeth, if I was already King of Muscle Beach, ah my my resolution would be worded
Angel's Yoga Studio and Unconventional Practices
00:17:20
Speaker
somewhat differently. By the way, do you have to put in a formal application to become the King of Muscle Beach, or is it like a fight to the sufficient? You walk down there, as you remove your robe, all doubts are removed. Okay. Yeah, the king is dead, long live this guy. Okay. That guy being me. All right. Well, really? Okay, so that's your goal?
00:17:40
Speaker
It's my resolution. okay well i'm going to I'm already looking ahead to next year. How about that? I'm going to enjoy the development of that resolution. yeah oh I'm not doing it for you, Miss Elizabeth. i mean I'm there to impress the the people I don't know down at Muscle Beach. Sounds weird. Weird. I'm not the one driving around with Halloween costumes in my trunk. Why? Are you sure? Have you checked? We have different goals. Dear listener friend, ah we're just we're just showing you there's different approaches to life. Here's a fun Halloween costume. The the Muscle Man. who You just get yourself a He-Man costume with built-in muscles already. You can be the king of Muscle Beach and there's that very little... That's the king of Losertown. It's a crossover resolution solution. Muscle Man, like me, will look down on costumes like that once I'm a Muscle Man like that. okay
00:18:31
Speaker
before you you You think you can slip that one by me? That's ah that's a grotesque parody, Miss Elizabeth. From a distance. I mean, people should be keeping their distance on the beach anyway. I don't think they can tell. They can' they can't tell. Oh, you don't have any respect for for anything decent in this world, Miss Elizabeth. I do. I have respect for things. I have respect for fun. Well, I'm going to respect the fact that we are done this segment. And frivolity. you free it no There's no frivolity when it comes to resolutions. Old stuff on Ellis Mountain. A voice-saving balm for the ears. Yeah, it's always good to get a traffic report even if it's out of date. I find that a lot of that advice is still relevant today. Yeah, probably some of those traffic snarls are still an issue. or similar types of events are happening. So just stay frosty out there. That's good advice for all seasons. Miss Elizabeth, it's time for music. Let's reach on over. All right. Smiles and radio. We're going to tune in a song. You know, summer's bearing down on us like a runaway down on us like a runaway freight train. I have to say, I have to disagree and just, you know... Well, not today, it isn't. It's frickin' cold. I have to disagree because we have actually passed the longest day and we are now careening towards Christmas. Oh, silence, Miss Elizabeth. That's not the right way to think of this at all. It's supposed to be wildly inappropriate to play a... I'm feeling frosty, though. Huh, let's play Icefish and Cutie.
00:20:00
Speaker
You've never seen sky so blue I know what we should do. The lake's 80 clicks away. Let's pack in gold today. No matter how hard we wish, we won't catch any fish. The lake is a giant's through. It's filled with red skidoos. Sit beside me. Ice fish and tea. Wearing those snowshoes and looking so fine Cress that snowdrift Wear those nicktons with snowmen beside We can see that you're mine The ice is a meter thick And auger does the trick What say we drill a hole?
00:21:01
Speaker
We're sittin' out in the sun It's minus 31, you smile and save your tea Cutie the guy I'll meet, sittin' pretty Ice fishing cutie, wearin' those snowshoes and lookin' so fine Crest that snow drift, wear those dingsons The snowmen beside me can see that you're mine
00:21:54
Speaker
No matter how hard we wish, we won't catch any fish. The lake is a giant, so it's filled with rags, scooters, we're sitting out in the sun. It's minus 31, it's filed.
00:22:10
Speaker
Sittin' pretty, ice fishing cutie Wearing those snowshoes and looking so fine Crest that snowdrift, wear those midterms And snowmen beside me can see that you're mine Sittin' beside me, ice fishing cutie Wearing those snowshoes and looking so fine Crest that snow grip Wear those mittens, a snowman beside me Can see that you're mine
00:22:56
Speaker
Nice Fish and Cutie by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile Town. The winter song that warms my heart. I'm chill to the bone. Miss Elizabeth, it's time for another pic. It is a little chilly down here. Again, you do the bookings for the studios here at the Smile Syndicate HQ complex. Why do all the crap podcasts get all the A-plus studios? We're down in the morgue. They complain. They complain. They complain more than you. That's scarcely credible. Or I should say they complain and their complaints register. oh That's what I should say. Ms. Elizabeth, you're trying my patience, so let's listen to ah ah something from a previous episode of this show okay that wherein we might be getting along a little better. Make it something fun and something funny and something edutational. Ms. Elizabeth, done, done, and done.
00:23:49
Speaker
A yoga moment with Angel, slash around town, another deadly combo for you. This comes from episode 61 of Hello Smilton, which first aired December 4th, 2023. The episode was number 61 and it was called I Can Do Waka Waka. Let's listen. there's got to be a reason to keep listening and it to'll find out what happens next okay Well, here's what's going to happen next. Wisdom of a particularly fundamental, mysterious kind. mysterious way it Cast your eyes way to the east, Ms. Elizabeth. darba
00:24:23
Speaker
No, he is not. He's wise. I'm not even going to uncork that bottle of nonsense, Miss Elizabeth. We can deal with that in the new year, maybe. Shanidar is a Neanderthal. Time traveling Neanderthal, fevered imaginings of Miss Elizabeth. We'll have to tackle that topic later. Yeah, okay. So it's not Shanidar then? It's not Shanidar. I'm talking about real mysteries that have real impact and I can only be talking about yoga. Oh no. A yoga moment with Angel. Yoga Mamie is right. My buddy Angel runs the most over-the-top yoga studio in town. No nonsense. yeah ah It's a visceral form of yoga.
00:25:04
Speaker
Guys, it's called Nirvana Yoga Studios and it's spelled N-E-R-V. It's gonna give you a nervous breakdown being in there. Nervous. I don't know how you spell Nirvana. N-I-R, N-I-R. But he spells it N-E-R. That sounds downright at all. Yeah, it's not heavenly or like another world of bliss. It's not about bliss. It's not about bliss, right? It's about punishment. It's about molding clay. It's about misshapen lumps of humanity that need to be pummeled in the sense. And we're going to get to it right now. He's given us a message. What do you mean, no? Enough calling me misshapen.
00:25:40
Speaker
Well, you aren't misshapen, Miss Elizabeth. The only way I would ever throw such epithets your way is if you chose bad paths. And I'm sure you're going to listen to today's yoga moment with Angel i can and make some course corrections here. ok My buddy's given us the yoga word, so I'm going to read it out to you right now. Waka Waka, how's it hanging? Okay, let's tackle the important stuff first. T-shirts. I got all the t-shirts you could want. They're all yellow. They have black printing on them and they all look slick. There are foghorn. I'm assuming these are not for the use during yoga class. Of course they are. These are for sale.
00:26:20
Speaker
And you put them on, ahhuh and you wear them to your your yoga class. i think he's trying to You wear it out to the food court, you wear it to your job. ok There are three of them, so buy them all. The first one says, bashing my way to yoga enlightenment. Second one is, the laugh of the ignorant.
00:26:44
Speaker
That's a good one to have on a t-shirt. Second one is mouth breather, thick skull, budding yoga master. That one might not sell. ah Why would you wear that? Because you've got to you gotta to admit you need to be broken down before you can be built up again into yoga enlightenment. It's it's like wearing I'm with stupid except just I'm stupid. I i don't follow you, Mr. Elizabeth. that's ah That's a misrepresentation of the intent of the shirt. And the last one is Waka Waka. Buy them all. Okay, I can do Waka Waka. That's good. Okay, good. Baby steps. 4850 each. Come by Nirvana Yoga Studios and I'll get the girl who answers the phones to autograph any shirt you buy. Wait a minute. That sounds like a deal to me. The girl who answers the phones? You mean Lillian? Lillian's the one who answers his phones. She's the volunteer that answers his phones. Well, I don't know if I'd want an autograph from that particular woman, Miss Elizabeth.
00:27:39
Speaker
I don't know why he's calling her a girl. I think i think you're mixed up. I think he's talking to some ah he's talking about some young girl, not some a senior who happens to be his tip-top yoga student who doesn't mind abusing her yoga abilities on lesser skilled students such as myself. I don't even want to talk about Lillian right now, Miss Elizabeth. I had a particularly rough class this week. She put the boots to me. She got you in a headlock. She put the boots to me. I'm i'm not good i'm not afraid to say it. I don't know why you guys are grappling in yoga.
00:28:11
Speaker
yeah Yeah, she just said that, dear listener friend. You didn't hear things. It's been a while since I delivered a moment to you. Yeah, no kidding. I do this for free, so you'll forgive me if I prioritize stuff that I actually make some dough on. So yeah, I'm going to be raking in the bucks from these t-shirts. I'm pretty sure throwing you dogs a bone can't hurt. Doesn't take me long to write this anyway. From the yoga outreach file, I went to the Smoughton Elementary School to give a talk to the little kiddies about what it means to be a yoga master. I did a yoga demonstration about what I do to disobedient students and man those kids laughed when I turned the fire hose loose on their teachers. I had those creeps bouncing around like pinballs. I think seeing the display of serene yoga self-care put a lot of those kids on a good path for the rest of their lives. OK, that's leading by a very poor example. That fire hose is meant for the handsome firefighters of Smilton to come and put out fires that happen in the school. Yeah, also and forbid also to instill some yoga wisdom, to wash the bric-a-brac of nonsense that is filling up their teachers' heads.
00:29:22
Speaker
They thought the kids were going to learn something that day, but it wasn't just the kids. The teachers them themselves became students of yoga, whether they wanted it or not. And they got washed out of that gym like so much garbage. yeah oh Lots of water damage done to the gym and pretty upset teachers when they realized they signed a waiver as part of booking my talk, which means I was in my full legal rights to do whatever the hell I wanted in that place. Some fun, some yoga wisdom imparted, mission accomplished. Is it just me? Or does Angel sound like he's even more on mission than normal? He's definitely on mission. He's on target. He came to that school. He made a difference. Those kids are never going to forget that. Those teachers learned something, little humility. They'll never forget it, that's for sure. I mean, you got to read those forums really carefully. Exactly. They learned 360. Yeah.
00:30:14
Speaker
The yoga dogs are back in the studio. I like those guys. yeah The yoga dogs are great. Every size, shape, breed, a dog you can think of. They're theyre a pack and they and they help yeah Angel teach some yoga to the students. They're just fun-loving. Although they do keep crime down in Smileton, they walk around the streets of s Smileton together as a pack. They're a self-sufficient law enforcement unit. They do a lot of downward dog, I'm going to have to say. They spent the past number of God knows how many months running wild and terrorizing tourists on the beaches of Jamaica. They're all happy to be home now and are really getting to work on my yoga students. You should have seen the faces of this one class where they'd gotten a little too used to not being mauled by dogs and those beasties come flying in and all the screams.
00:30:59
Speaker
They didn't have their protective dog suits on either, so that was a pretty intense instructive session right there. These are the times that make me glad I'm such a good teacher. It's hard to be mad at those doggies though, because they're so cute and fuzzy while they're tearing with their claws. Even when they're in a blood frenzy and the howls and the shrieking and the barks and the biting and knocking you over. Of course, a lot of that came from these yoga students. Nothing but yoga coming out of those dogs. I've been really trying to light up the dating scene. Oh no. Wait a minute. Was there no editing put into this? This is supposed to be about yoga.
00:31:34
Speaker
Yeah, it's a yoga moment, Miss Elizabeth. This is a yoga moment. Do you not want to hear the unfiltered word of a yoga master to tell you now how he lives his life? No. I do. I've been really trying to light up the dating scene in this godforsaken town, but even all my training from the mysterious monks of the east didn't prepare me for some of the low energy slags who wandered.
00:32:01
Speaker
who wanders through this town. Ladies, there's a jackpot lottery prize within your reach, so wake up and grab it. okay he's there He's talking about himself there, Miss Elizabeth. I realize that's what he's talking about. I wish him the best, but he's not going to be not going to make much headway on the dating scene with the attitude that he has, which is boy very, very ah negative towards all people except for himself. And I think he ought to turn his eye inward and maybe work on his own problems. Miss Elizabeth, his eye has been spinning around all over the place for many years, ever since he got back from the Far East where when he engaged with the mysterious monks to to learn the true path. And now, if he's if he's just not holding back and he's given the ladies the truth bomb and calling some of them low energy slags, well, but I got to think the shoes fitting at some point. That's an S word, I think. You can't say slags. Uh, well, I just heard it. Some new classes starting in the new year. If you got the cash and are ready to have the hurt put on you, then sign up. First one is stairs go up, stairs go down. For 850 bucks, you come to the studio every Saturday morning for a month and pound up and down the back stairs. Doesn't sound hard. Talk to me after hour five. Well, that is difficult, but that's not yoga. That's
Upcoming Events and Community Antics
00:33:20
Speaker
just Stairmaster.
00:33:21
Speaker
Is Stairmaster one of the mastery levels of yoga? You can... this Elizabeth, you can trivi like trivialize all you like. ah The clarion call of yoga is hitting dear listeners' friends' eardrums like a tsunami. and And your words are words on the wind. I can climb up and downstairs for free, though. Talk to me after hour five. All right. Another one for some of you more advanced yoga practitioners out there is the thousand mile march to nowhere. I buy you a bus ticket to Thunder Bay or something and you have to walk back.
00:33:55
Speaker
with a 50 pound pack on your back. Okay. And you're blindfolded. All right. I'm pretty much giving this away at two grand even plus the cost of the bus ticket. Okay. So an easier way to do this for free is just on a treadmill. Stop hack. Miss Elizabeth, enough of these hacks. just Enough of these yoga hacks. you're You're sounding like a yoga hack. You have to put yourself through the ringer when it comes to yoga. And that means busting yourself most of the way or a good chunk of the way across Canada. and then walking back to Smilton. You know, walking across country, across yeah the landscape is actually good. and Maybe not in the winter. Right now. the ah The class starts in December, Miss Elizabeth. Do it in summer. and No. Dear listener friend, you know you're not going to take shortcuts. I wouldn't assume that of you. I have a better attitude. You know, that can be dangerous. I know people have come run into trouble just walking around in summer.
00:34:52
Speaker
So that's hard enough. Stay frosty. So how do you stay frosty? Learn some yoga skills. Well, you can die in the cold too. That's enough freebies. I'm disappointed in Smilton's overall ability in the yoga sphere, but I'm undaunted. Which one of those mythical heroes had that hammer that kept bashing at that wall, even though everyone around him told him to stop and kept fixing the wall, but eventually he got through? Serpius or something. Anyway, that's me. The wisdom from the East has spoken. Now brush the Cheetos dust off your bib. Let all those chicken wing bones in your lap fall to the floor and get your worthless carcass moving towards enlightenment. Namaste you turds. All right. I'm energized. Are you energized? i'm I'm ready to go walk a thousand miles. I'm ready to hit those stairs and I'm ready to cough up the big bugs to make it happen. Okay. Well, let's save the money. I'm in the mood for yoga. That's what I'm saying. Okay.
00:35:48
Speaker
Well, maybe let's start with some downward dog. I got i had enough of the dog mauling this. with I was among those students. okay it It was not fun. I admit I got a little bit too comfortable myself. And when I heard the scraping at the door and then ah the door got pushed through, I did knock right down. Those dogs came flying through and all this cry i I happily report I was among the loudest screamers. and the biting and the knocking over and all that commenced. And yeah, and that's it. And that's, i I'm a yoga student. I'm still learning. ok i've got've i've you I've learned humility. So really, you should always go to yoga wearing your dog suit. Yeah. I've learned. Yeah. You thought you were safe.
00:36:30
Speaker
And that was my first mistake. Smilton, an active night scene. Dear listener friend, there's so much going on. And probably if you're... It's not just at night. It's other times too. It's all true. The live long day as well. And if you are a visitor to Smilton or you're a resident, you might get paralyzed with choice and you can't have that. You gotta oh you gotta to go out there and grab grab from that bowl of fruit that is the Smilton scene. yeah So we're going to direct you to some of the more interesting activities and locations here in Smilton in the latest around town.
00:37:07
Speaker
Well this Saturday Jason, 11 o'clock in the morning, or midday really, okay you can meet me at Harvester Square for, get ready for it, snowmen dress them up. We're not dressing snowmen up, we're dressing up as snowmen. We're gonna haul out large huge man-sized styrofoam balls and wiggle into a stack of three of them and presto tainjo I'm a snowman now or a snowwoman as it might be. This is gonna be so much fun. What? Miss Elizabeth. You're wondering why?
00:37:42
Speaker
I'm wondering many things. Why? So were used to the forefront of my brain yeah the opportunity came up because that truck kind of crashed and released a large ah la shipment of styrofoam balls of all different shapes and sizes. Yeah, that doesn't sound suspicious at all. There was an unfortunate accident with the shipment of a large styrofoam balls that we happened to know was coming through town. and bit of A bit of a misfire in the truck, it crashed into something that sprung out of nowhere and there just happened to be a team of bandits ready to empty that trailer in 30 seconds flat. yeah Next thing you know, presto change, oh I'm a snowman now. That's right, we're snowmen now. Okay, well if you want to avoid fund if you want to avoid the cops swarming all over you, dear listener friend, I suggest you avoid Harvester Square on Saturday because I'm going to be ah calling the tip line.
00:38:30
Speaker
You know, those IDs don't work when you're wearing styrofoam. So you're good. You're good. wearing're In your snowman outfit, the cops can't ID you, is what I'm trying to say. I don't that's the i don't think that's the intent of this little activity, Miss Elizabeth. Well, I'm going to give you something far healthier to pay attention to. okay Heads up. Little birdie told me that Prank Squad X is going low tech for their next prank. This is just a rumor. Uncharacteristic. This is just a rumor. i don't I'm just telling you what a birdie told me and I'm just chirping it along. Was it bird? It was not. Okay.
00:39:05
Speaker
Something about tricking a demolition company and going over to Smilton Elementary and leveling it. Something like that, I don't know. Something's supposed to happen this Saturday if it goes down, oh man. Well, that doesn't sound funny. You shouldn't prank the Loosby funny. I'm suppressing the titters, Miss Elizabeth. Can you imagine? You're just walking the dog, you're going for a stroll by the school, and the next thing you see is this wrecking ball Well, I'm into the gymnasium. Well, I think everybody loses because even the demolition company is going to be disappointed they're not getting paid for that. They're getting sued instead. Oh, they got got come on, Miss Bliss. But those demolition guys, they like a good laugh. they they When they realize they've been pranks pranked by the master's Prank Squad X, they'll wear it as a badge of honor. Well, hopefully they hear this podcast and just don't go ahead with it. Everybody hears this podcast.
00:39:51
Speaker
Okay, Hovercraft Jim, who's a good friend of the show, he's going to be organizing a Hovercraft drag racing event on Succotash Street on Boxing Day. Oh, well, there goes my interest. So that's coming up quite a while from now. Jim's support of the show is unflagging, but he's starting to push the privilege a little bit here, rolling in to smiling with that ridiculous Hovercraft. He lives in that hovercraft. and I'm not kidding. he I know it's like what is it's like 2800 square feet in that thing. It is a monstrosity. It's yeah two or three stories high. It belches black smoke. It's as loud as a perdition. It's it very loud. It's very loud. That's for sure. I don't know how he gets a wink of sleep in there. That's probably ah it's probably high tech. It's probably all sound isolated. Sound proofed. Yeah.
00:40:37
Speaker
Well, so he's going to bring that thing and drag race it. That's right. On Succotash Street. Well, all you businesses on Succotash Street, I hope your insurance is paid up because all your windows are going to get blown out. So get there early. Find a spot to put your lawn chair and sip some hot cocoa as you prepare yourself to watch these hovering broods battle hard to determine who can go from zero to twenty five. The fastest. Twenty five. These hovercrafts, they hover up. They don't hover forward or backward very, very fast. They're hovercraft. They're not drag racing cars. So this isn't a town sanctioned events, like technically speaking. So we're going to need volunteers to act as lookouts. Oh, again. Are you going to volunteer? Absolutely not. I'm going to think on you. What?
00:41:23
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, you're yeah you're getting into a bad scene here yet again. Something that the authorities need to be author ah notified of. Well, okay, but it's too late in the year for us to get proper permits, so we are going to ask for forgiveness this year, not permission. What a bad idea. ah
Show Wrap-Up and Teasers
00:41:40
Speaker
Can I tell you something? that Dear listener friend, ignore Miss Elizabeth's suggestions. as she's gonna she's She's trying to pull you into trouble. Hovercraft drag racing. It's going to be fun. Here's something a little more wholesome. Lance's dad got the scoots, like super bad from eating at the macaroni hut. So he's going down there next Thursday to stage a sit-in. ah He doesn't want anyone else to get the scoots. So kudos to him for being so community-minded. Okay. Does he, is he going to have the scoots all cleared up before he does his little sit-in? Because otherwise I don't think anybody's going to want to turn up for that. TBD. Okay. He got them pretty bad. but that I don't know what that macaroni hut is serving.
00:42:21
Speaker
if The name entices, does it not? Macaroni Hut? You'd figure you'd you'd go in there what you know when you're maybe taking a break from the Smilton Bingo and Spaghetti Buffet. yeah ah You want to change it up a little bit, get some macaroni while you're in a little bit of spaghetti downtime but you go before you go back for round eight or nine. Get some macaroni in you. yeah You yeah yeah can't be walking out of there with a scoot. I know, slight helping of the scoots. Not good at all. So a brick rock could just suffer in silence. He could just take himself home and deal with the aftermath. But he's not. He's going to get out there and scoots or not. He's going to go out there and let this let his story be a cautionary tale for us all. You know what? It might not. He doesn't know for sure that its it's necessarily the macaroni. He could have had a virus. I mean, I don't think that he should necessarily be putting this on everybody who loves macaroni. No, he eats all kinds of stuff. He probably shouldn't miss Elizabeth. But that's that's as may be. The macaroni hut seems to be suspect number one. And that's good enough for me. OK. Well, I don't think anybody should really attend that sit-in. Sit-in. Scoots. Lance's dad. Macaroni. yeah That jumble of words in your head ought to make you move right down there this Thursday, dear listener friend. Unappetizing. Don't scoot down there.
00:43:37
Speaker
around town. Ms. Elizabeth, that's a collection of things that are... Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for the applause. I can't believe you're applauding at the right time, with the right level of appreciation. I think everybody... Delighted... Delightedness. Well said. Right there in the hell of a spot. Ms. Elizabeth, I don't need your chides. I don't need your chiding. I don't need the insults. I don't need the bric-a-brac on my spirit. okay I gotta get some fresh air, Miss Elizabeth. I gotta go touch grass. Not only touch grass, you need to touch a pillow and get some rest because you still need to heal. I'm not gonna stop talking because my voice is shot to the 80s. The best way I know to not have to talk during this show is to put another song on. Yeah, well don't be uncertain about which song to choose.
00:44:29
Speaker
Forget it. I won't waffle. Let's listen.
00:44:44
Speaker
Full of worries on your mind Catch a boreal fall behind No dues when you need it most In a jam your day is toast Your plate is full
00:45:38
Speaker
Like man cakes, how much more can one man take On your back, your hollandaise? Taked on to collect your pay
00:46:09
Speaker
Breakfast fun
00:46:41
Speaker
you
00:47:08
Speaker
You saw such things that made you sweat and scramble
00:48:19
Speaker
That's a song about being certain. It's about an approach to life. Are we going to stop talking because my voice can't take much more of this ah fun but fun. It's the joyful treadmill. It is the joyful treadmill. It doesn't matter what body parts start falling off. You have to keep going. Yeah, you fell off the treadmill. And I'm i a ragged, hollow mess, but we'll be back. Because of the oilers. The oilers made you fall off your treadmill. They'll be back. We'll be back. Don't even worry about it. Next week, dear listener friend, join us for another episode of Hello, Smileton. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out.
00:48:55
Speaker
That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is a jukebox.