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Are You Trying To Trivialize My Dictums?
35 Plays4 months ago
That's not the heat of the sun setting your mind ablaze. It's the searing heat of entertainment radiating from this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Coming at you live to tape from Smileton, Alberta, the podcasting capital of the world, Jason and MIss Elizabeth strive mightily to bring you delightful comedy and delightful original music in a delightful package and if you think you might be delighted by the show on offer here, nice detective work!
In a classic LANCE BROCK'S ROCK TALK, Smileton's rock'n'roll sage gives us the good word of rock. For gritty anecdotes, rock wisdom and the unfiltered musings of Smileton's hardest rocking citizen, look no further.
A vintage doubleshot gives us a DEATH METAL UPDATE to bring us up to speed on that off-kilter world and a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT wherein Jason fills us in on the big problem with men wearing flip flops.
Two Smile Syndicate songs keep us bopping along as well so for power packed entertainment this dense, there is no other source. You must now listen.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamp:
5:06 Lance Brock's Rock Talk (from June 5, 2023)
23:33 SONG – The Burgled 2000
26:08 Death Metal Update/Public Service Announcement (from April 10, 2023)
45:13 SONG – Rhythm 21
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Transcript
Welcome to Smileson, Alberta
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileson. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. I'm going. Miss Lisbeth, I'm going already. I didn't even wait for you to give me the go-ahead. Well, full blast. full blast as always. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. I hope you're in the mood for comedy and music and just having a good time. Cause that's what this show is about. And that's what the t-shirt says. yeah That's what we got to get done. Cause that's our solemn vow to you, our listener. Yeah. Well, miss Elizabeth, that's our goal. I am in a better mood. I think I'm in a better mood than I was
Jason's Mishaps and Stress
00:00:44
Speaker
last week. Okay. Cause you were in a kind of in pain because you had gotten hit by golf cart last week. Yeah, and you say it with a smirk. yeah yeah Everybody thinks it's so funny to get hit with a golf cart. But believe me, it is not. They're not that fast moving is what I'm thinking. And you had clogged your ears. And then you also had apparently clogged your eyeballs. And then you stepped right into the road. I don't know what you thought was going to happen. I confess the moments in attention. But surely that doesn't worry warrant getting hit with a battering ram. Well, nobody got in any trouble for hitting you.
00:01:16
Speaker
again justice the justice system has failed the noblest i think the justice system you call yourself the noblest of us you can't name yourself the noblest i'm among the noblest miss elizabeth okay surely this podcast is is proof of that well OK, I mean, I'm on your team. I'm on your team. But it's a weird thing to say of yourself in town. I don't know about that. like Somebody's got to say it, especially this month of all months with the Smoothing Death Metal Festival and its oppressive presence on all of us. I got to toot my own arm somewhat. So you're feeling better? I am feeling better. How come? Because you're healed up a little bit. I am healed up and I'm looking at the calendar and I'm seeing we've we've lived through more days of this festival than we have left. It's going to end.
00:02:00
Speaker
Sometimes soon. Sometimes you can't enjoy it while it's happening. And I gotta figure out a better way to deal with stress from this festival because it is, as I mentioned, it's an impressive presence in this town. Do you have a stress management tip for us? Oh, are you trying to catch me out? Because guess what, Buster? You just stepped in a cow pat because not only do I have a tip for you. I actually thought you might have one. Well, I do because I recognized after I listened back to the show last week that I was on edge and I needed to... By the way, pause, it's so noble of you to share that with us today. It's effortless. yeah i I listened back and I did i got a, you know, I got a, so I got a de-stress here. It's a long road and I can't be living like in such a stress-filled manner, even if I have the perfect excuse of getting run down by a golf cart.
00:02:55
Speaker
but I don't think you were run down. I think it just knocked into your shins a little bit. I know i know what it did and I know what the aftermath was, Ms. Elizabeth. and i'm not I'm not going to argue the point here. okay So I thought, well, you know what people normally do when they see a lack in their inner state and they have to do something about it. They often go get counseling. They seek some professional advice. So that's what I did. I went to talk to a counselor, Ms. Elizabeth. I did and I showed up. And I just gave the doc, the head shrinker, the orders. You got to de-stress this guy, and pointing at myself with both thumbs. um Who has two thumbs and you're going to de-stress this guy? Yeah, who has two thumbs and is stressed by the tip of Jesus and back? okay this guy okay two thumbs two thumbs so i didn't pick too well okay because this idiot ah immediately breaks out the pocket watch starts trying to hypnotize me oh that's so comfy i like when they do that it's so relaxing did you go through with it i i okay like you're the expert so i i sat there on the couch thing the but the pocket watch being waved in front of my face and then i hear him saying you are a duck
00:04:07
Speaker
You are a chicken. He's trying to hypnotize me into thinking I'm an animal, Miss Elizabeth. I don't know what this has to do with de-stressing. How do you feel? like I'm fine. You don't feel like a duck? I do.
00:04:21
Speaker
What would that be, Miss Elizabeth? was Why don't you tell me now what... Smooth on top, a little paddling extra on the bottom. I'm paddling all the time, Miss Elizabeth. it's yeah That's exactly what I am as a duck. It worked. It didn't work, but that's a that's a sound metaphor for what I am. I'm all peace and calm on the surface, but underneath the surface, the paddling is mighty. right Do you ever find that you're also sometimes scrambling around the barnyard at all different directions? ah Like a chicken.
00:04:52
Speaker
So you're saying this wasn't hypnotism. This was just diagnostics being done on me. Either way, I think it might have worked. It didn't work. though I guess I'm here. I'm upright and I'm ready to do a show. It worked well enough, I guess. I want to do you a great big favor. I am going to get you in touch and contact because I can see that you are feeling even though you feel like you're the noblest of of us all. of us all
00:05:21
Speaker
You feel like a little bit lonely right now. Like maybe you need to be in contact with somebody else that you also feel is noble.
Nostalgic Segment with Lance Brock
00:05:28
Speaker
Maybe like your good buddy Lance Brock. So I'm gonna choose... Are you giving me permission just to bolt and just head on down to Lance? No, I'm gonna bring him onto the show right now. So I'm gonna bring in a segment right now. Are we doing picks? We're doing picks. Oh Miss Elizabeth, you're giving my weary bones a rest. We're gonna go back into the vast archive of this show and pick out some favorite segments to revisit once again as old friends. And specifically your old friend to try to soothe your soul. I can't believe you're picking a Lance Brock's Rock Talk out of the archive. I think we got to pick a Lance Brox rock talk, which is from the show, the show number 35, which aired, I guess it was June the fifth. That's correct. 2023. Yeah. And it was called I'm prognosticating the end of entertainment. Well, that sounds delightful. Sounds like something you would say. It is. Yeah. And I do. Let's listen.
00:06:20
Speaker
and iraq Oh, Miss Elizabeth. I was just telling you about what what a burden this show is and now I'm like, this is what it's all about. I know. um It's time for Lance Brox, Rock Talk, my buddy Lance. Hardest rockin' guy in this town. yeah ah No contenders to that crown. well Well... No. Miss Elizabeth, ah you you heard what I said. I was unambiguous on the point. We're going to move on from there. He runs Best Guitar Store by a long shot in town. And he puts together his thoughts that me, as one of his rock disciples, I'm so proud to be able to read these words to you, dear listener friend, because you're going to get you're going to get some wisdom in the bargain. You're going to rock, you're going to get some wisdom, and you get both of those in one podcast and I think you're coming out ahead.
00:07:03
Speaker
Yep. Okay. So, but he's not doing this himself. He's sent you the copy. i I got his words, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. i'm ah i'm ah I'm a disciple of the rock prophet. So you're kind of going to read his essay. I'm going to give you the good word. Okay.
00:07:18
Speaker
we okay
00:07:25
Speaker
Yeah, let me go on there a little long whistle. Yeah, but fagorn always appreciated Because why do you have to start that way first of all? ah What do you mean you're not him and he's he's spelled it all out like D f D f D f f f f f f f it pretty clearly says to to Near does it not say it does say that then what do you want me to do edit it? Yes, it out edit it i think i If you're telling me I didn't do a good enough job, I'll start i'll do it again. I'll do it again right now, Miss Elizabeth. He needs a little bit more prudence here. What in the F is up, Rockers? I feel like doing some extra effing Rocking tonight and I wouldn't be an effing man. Am I effing Rock word if I gave you any effing less? Okay. We do demand effort.
00:08:15
Speaker
But that's all this is, Miss Elizabeth. Why do you think they call it rock, Miss Elizabeth? It's like moving a huge stone. Once that thing gets going, there's no stopping it. But that's not easy. That's not swinging like a hip cat. That's not grooving at the old honky-tonk. Those are all easy things. Rock is effort. okay and That's what this is all about. So you put your finger on the on the key to the message yeah utterly unintentionally, I'm sure. OK. You don't need to be insulting. Welcome to the best podcast dedicated to rock rockin and foundation shakin I'm lance brocken. If you effing want start calling me the prairie rock madman Even though i'm effing even even though I am effing on the prairies
00:09:05
Speaker
no one's calling him the prairie madman is that prairie rock madman yes no they are miss elizabeth no they had better he just told you and he can you you cut me off by the way i need to explain why this is such an like appropriate it name for him all right Even though I am effin' on the prairies, I don't like Prairie Rock because there's a little too much effin' country in that effin' mix, just so we're effin' clear. Okay, well, country's not my favorite, but it can be a lot of fun. I don't like to exclude any any genres. Yeah, except rock, apparently. No, rock is good. Rock can be included. Tell us more, Prairie Rock, madman.
00:09:44
Speaker
Lots going on for years, Evan, truly. I got to spend a little more time with my main squeeze, Melinda, because her boyfriend was on a motorbike in front of the bakery and he was doing a brake stand and Melinda jumped on the back and he wasn't effing expecting it and they all fell over and the bike took off like a rocket and went straight through the big window in the front Well, I think I might have seen this happen somewhere. Well, it was a big incident. It was quite a scene. Well, okay. But this specific thing might actually happen a lot to people doing brake stands. You shouldn't be doing brake stands. Probably not. It's not good for your tires. It wears your tires down. There's a lot. There's a big downside. It is a big downside. Yeah. Melinda's boyfriend freaked out and threw a garbage can through a hatchback. So he's in jail for a few days, cooling down, which means more effing rock snuggle time for yours effing truly. Okay.
00:10:29
Speaker
So he hasn't cottoned on that she's not like mostly into Lance. Like she's mostly into her boyfriend doing the breakstands. Sounds like she's his main squeeze at least until her boyfriend gets out of the Hooskow. Close enough. I feel a little sad for Lance though. I think he's enjoying life and I think you got to take joy where you can find it and I think you got to stop looking down in your nose from your ivory tower. Okay. And I just appreciate that he's a man of the people, and he's ah he's he's doing his best, Miss Elizabeth. Is he a man of the people? I think so. Well, we might find out. I just wish there were fewer S-Heads on the internet. Okay, see, he's not a man of the people. How did I know something like that was coming? He just called us S-Heads. Well, I'm not wearing that until I get a little more context, Miss Elizabeth. Well, me neither, probably ever.
00:11:18
Speaker
I was looking up a way to promote my band because Handsome Mike's S-Head nephew won't put me through so I can convince Handsome Mike to let my band play his bar. I found a guy who promoted all the Biggies Zeppelin, Sabbath, Osborne, Purple, DC. He said he was looking to help new bands and he just needed $5,000 to start. A friend got me Mitch Winchell's social insurance number, so I quickly called up a certain credit card company. And the next thing I know, Mitch has a new card with a $10,000 limit. He wouldn't mind. He won't mind if I use it a little bit. Okay, so this is the terrible plan that he is.
00:11:57
Speaker
i think this might be this is illegal I think this is I don't think so. yeah This is identity theft. Miss Elizabeth, it's a credit card. It's not actually real money. So there's a lot of like borrowing and owing, yeah but it's all a little bit nebulous. yeah So the the law kind of doesn't really take credit card fraud very seriously. Yes, it does. Yes. So I gave the promoter the credit card, and guess f-ing what. Okay, so the police are gonna hear this. but Do you want to stop now? Because... I can't stop. Ms. Lisbon, the show is going, the red light's on, we gotta keep on going.
00:12:34
Speaker
He turns into an effing ghost. Total effing vapor. I'm all, hello promoter man, where the eff are ya? A band bigger than Zeppelin is waiting on ya. Whatever. He's probably too busy with AC-DC, but guess what? We're primed to be bigger than them, so who's laughing now? I cut the card up and threw it out. Don't need it anymore and eff that guy for wasting my effing time. I'm not worried about Mitch Winchell paying off that new credit bill of his. He makes more than 10k pilfering groceries from unsuspecting hatchbacks or so I've been told. You won't even notice. It's identity theft and it's slander. I don't think so. There's many crimes going on here. Right on our podcast, I don't know if we should really keep going. Ms. Elizabeth, he's a victimless crime. He cut the credit card up. No damage done. The guy ghosted.
00:13:19
Speaker
I think Mitch is the victim. I don't... Well, you know what piece of information, Miss Elizabeth? I think you're not giving Lance enough credit here. He... We don't know that that credit card got used. Yes, we do. The promoter got, I don't know that he put a charge on there. Lance hasn't checked his credit card bill and he probably can't now that he's cut it up and he doesn't know what the number is. He did. He did. He put at least 5,000 on there. Oh, I think you're believing the worst that people miss Elizabeth and that's a disappointing attitude to take. I'm worried about Lance. I hope he's okay. He sounds fine to me. Okay. Quick update about my cousin Sandy. He's gonna be just fine.
00:13:56
Speaker
He got a bit loaded and went over to Pickle Hills in the Rock Lobster costume. Turns out people in that town don't appreciate a giant crazy lobster humping everything in their effin town that isn't tied down and a couple of guys decided to take a swing at everybody's favorite hatchback humping rock and roll mascot. yeah He got conked on the effin noggin a couple times and the doctor said he had a mild concussion. He's been causing problems in the hospital because he's still in the Rock Lobster costume and is still humping everything in sight. Yeah. I told the effing nurses the only way you'll keep that effing Rock Warrior down is to sedate him, which they probably did. I'm sure they did, yeah, but they needed a really big needle to get through all that foam. Well, that's- Rock Lobster's got a hard shell, Miss Elizabeth, but he's got a heart of gold. Okay. Top five? Does he have a heart of gold? I don't know. Sandy? Yeah. Of course he does!
00:14:43
Speaker
He's humping things. He's devil may care. You know, that's a joie de vivre they do. You just got to sit back and marvel at. I think the humping everything, it might actually be a medical condition that he has. I think he might be itchy. Miss Elizabeth. ah Maybe there's a burning sensation. If having too much fun is a medical issue, then then give me that virus. Top five effing guitarists of all time. He's switching it up, Miss Elizabeth. Top five. F-ing guitarists of all time. Oh, guitarists. Okay, not just bands. Normally, Lance gives us the good word about what are the top five F-ing bands of all time, but he's getting he's he's specializing today. He's going to give us the top five guitarists. So you are a guitarist, so we would hope that you might at least make it onto this list. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, what a silly thing to say. The Rock Pantheon. I've heard you. I heard you just this morning. You do the diddle, diddle, diddles.
00:15:36
Speaker
Yeah, it takes more than diddle diddle to get into Rock Val Hallam, Miss Elizabeth. I'm not sure if it really does. I mean, with the amplifier. You're trying to set me up for disappointment, but I'm not falling for that. I hope you might be in here. i Okay, I'm telling you, I'm probably not. Okay, well, I expect you might be. Number five, Tony Iommi. I heard that during a Black Sabbath concert some crazy effing fan came up and cut off Tony's hand and the guy just kept right on playing. Wow. You gotta effing respect that commitment to rock and I effing do. Is that true? Did that happen? I think Lance got his story screwed up there. Tony Iommi did lose some fingertips because he was he was working in like a sheet metal factory. um Ladies and gentlemen. That sounds tragic. Funny. You make any sound in Tony Iommi's direction that isn't hushed off, then I don't even know what to do with you. it's That's the rudest thing I've ever heard. So he got his tips cut off.
00:16:37
Speaker
He was gonna be, it was like his last day at the sheet metal factory and he covered somebody's shift and he didn't normally use the machine and he got the tip sliced off on his last day. hope He had to create some plastic things and that's what he plays with. Still a legendary guitar player, Miss Elizabeth. Necessity is the mother of invention. Exactly. Okay, awesome. Number four. Well done. Good job, Tony Iommi. Silence yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. That that hypocrisy stinks like horseradish and I can smell it from down here. Okay, sounds delicious. Number four, Eddie Van Halen. I heard this guy isn't just one of the fastest players in the f-ing history of the instrument. I heard he also talks as fast as he played and some guy counted and Eddie said like 2,000 words in a minute. wow I don't really care about that S because who gives an F?
00:17:24
Speaker
Well, that's why he's on the list. It's not a list of boys. Well, it wasn't here guitarist He was I guess he's fast, but yeah a lot of did a little little little Lance Lance's brain works in a different way sometimes. Yeah but well'll Give it to me a number four sounds about right? Okay, so this list is guitarist and then maybe Eddie Van Halen halen might make it on to vocalists as well Maybe but he's not a singer this with you don't you're trying to injur you try I see what you're doing here. This list is very clear. You're trying to introduce confusion on obfuscation. Okay. Number three, Angus Young. Okay. I haven't been to one of their effing concerts, but I heard Angus gets in a cannon and gets shot right into the audience, cheering for those about to rock.
00:18:09
Speaker
If even half that's true, I'm pretty effing impressed. So he just gets into a cannon. I don't think it's a circus when you go... I think he's busy playing guitar. I don't think he gets shot out of a cannon. I think cannons do get shot off, ok but I don't think they're blasting people around the auditorium. all right Number two, Nancy Wilson. Okay, so there's still time for you to make an appearance. If I had started Lance Brock's Goin' Snake at the same time she was starting Heart, I would have told her to forget Heart and join my band and Rock History would have been effin' made right there. okay well I think she's already part of Rock History.
00:18:44
Speaker
She is, yeah. She's part of heart. I think that's, you know, Lance's judgment is usually pretty impeccable, but I gotta say, this one, you didn't really refer to her guitar playing, and I think there's even more daydreaming here about what it would have been like being in a band with Nancy Wilson. He feels a little bit romantically towards some of the guitar playing ladies. Yes, he does. And you cannot blame him really in this case, especially. I don't at all, Miss Elizabeth. I've daydreamed myself. Okay, wow, okay. Impressive. Number one. Better be you. Top effing guitarist of all time. Okay. Lance Brogan. Okay. No. Falkhorn. Because he hasn't recorded anything or played live. Falkhorn doesn't even know how to play an instrument. I think he has played live in somebody's backyard.
00:19:34
Speaker
Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, I told that story going to Snake's abortive first concert yeah with more noise than music. yeah That was not our fault. So we cannot we can't include him in a list of top five guitarists. I think we can. Why? Because listen to why. Because he tells you why right here. ok That sound of thunder isn't thunder. It's my effing fingers hitting the effing fretboard and I haven't even turned to the amp on yet. Okay. There you go. Top guitarist of all time, Lance Brock. because I'm in a band with him. I'm his trusty rhythm guitar player. Is he a good guitarist? He's theses fine, Miss Elizabeth. He's a rock god. I'm not gonna... If you look to the rock gods and what you do is cast your eyes down to find their feet of clay. Whoa, Bataija, Miss Elizabeth. Whoa, Bataija. That's an inappropriate response to rock royalty. All right, but I just think he needs to practice a little bit more.
00:20:28
Speaker
He needs to be a little bit more a little hum more humble. more noble lottery A little bit more humility and practice, practice, practice. He's a rock god. Those words are alien concepts. do Yeah, I think he just jumped straight to rock god without the practicing. That's it for this episode. Once I'm done, turn this show off and pick up that instrument of rock war and get effing practicing because that's what I'm talking about. Because I'll be calling on all you rock soldiers to join me on a rock assault on Smilton because the warriors of rock will be needed more than ever this summer.
Rock Music vs. Death Metal Craze
00:21:00
Speaker
Smilton will be the battlefront of rock and there can only be one victor. Rock. So choose your effing sides carefully my friend. It's time to drive Mitch Winchell out of business and assure the true victory of rock is the rock gods have before have told before. Okay foretold.
00:21:16
Speaker
Yeah. Lance Brock, peace out. The Rock Master has just hit the highway on his way out of effing town. Where is he driving to? He doesn't even effing know, so what a dumb effing question. Lance Brock, Lance Brock's rock talk, done. Peace and out, over and out. Miss Elizabeth, he's mixing it up. Is he? The word of rock coming at us from different directions in that particular installment. He didn't go off on Mitch Winchell nearly as thought ah as much as I thought he would. Okay. He did guitarist instead of band. he's he's He's zigging when we thought he would zag. Okay. You think things might be changing for Lance a little bit? I think he's ah bracing for the rock war that's coming up here. So what is this rock war? who's the Who's the enemy? I don't understand. Is it about death metal? Is it about Mitch Winchell? Yes.
00:22:10
Speaker
all of the above. okay I think you nailed it, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, all right. And that's from your perch in the little spy thing that you sit in with your binoculars spying on you, though your rock foe, because you're an ally of both Mitch Winchell and the Death Metal Festival. Well, I'm an ally of any kind of musical endeavor that that that encourages and and, you know, brings life and, you know, vitality to the community. Ugh, Miss Elizabeth, that's it. whatever whatever Whatever gets you through the night. ok Rock told, Lance Brock told you that you better effing choose sides carefully. And I think that message was specifically for you, Miss Elizabeth. I choose all the sides. I choose all the sides. That's no answer. Old stuff.
00:22:52
Speaker
by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile. Now, do you feel better? It's good hearing from my old buddy. Yeah, more in touch with your friends. it's so It's a reminder that some of us still cling to the old ways, rock music, not this death metal nonsense. does It does in it does it give me energy, Miss Elizabeth, and it does feel like I've had a bit of a sore cleanse. Good. And I just celebrate that. Why don't we listen to some music? I'm going to reach on over to the Smilton radio. Yeah, I'm ready for some dancing. Tune that thing in. And oh my goodness, Acoustic Mayhem, the burgled 2000. Which was a video, but then it then this is the acoustic version. That's right, Miss Elizabeth. Let's listen.
00:23:43
Speaker
Where is my stuff? It was right here before, wasn't gone long. It's not here anymore, this is too weird. Did anyone see? I can't believe this has happened to me. Darn a flash, a puffin' tooth in air. You've just become a burgle, a burgle.
00:24:15
Speaker
This is not cool. I'm feeling sick hoping it's just a friend-stupid trick that would be cool. But it's not true. My stuff is gone. Oh, what will I do? Gone in a flash, up into thin air. You've just become the burgle, the burgle.
00:24:52
Speaker
When the moon goes down, come on.
00:25:01
Speaker
When the moon goes down, come on. Where will I sleep? They took the bed, the hammock too. When I'm dead, my den's cleaned out. Stripped to the bone, I'd call a car. But they've stolen the phone. Gonna flash up into thin air.
00:25:56
Speaker
the burgle 2005 smile syndicate right here in hellosmilden so much fun did i say the smile syndicate right here on hellosmilden i think so very distracted yeah so much so that i'm gonna just ask you straight out if you have another pick for us i do I have another pick and this is one, this is again harkening back to death metal because we are in the middle of the death metal festival. But again, I'm going to try to do you a favor here and bring you into it in a way that softens the blow and makes you feel happy. So this is from the death metal update, also public service announcement regarding flip flops. Oh, my tirade against flip-flops? Oh, I'm up to hearing that again. This is from episode 27. It aired 2023. It was April the 10th, and it was entitled All Swords of Kinda Weird. Sounds good. Let's go.
00:26:49
Speaker
segment that is only on this show because of my accommodating nature. You are very accommodating. That's right. Yeah. Otherwise, this segment would be in the dustbin in history where it belongs. Death metal update. Yeah. Baffling. I don't understand the need to have this segment on the show. It is. It is nothing to do with our mission statement. I told you again and again, Smileton residents demand this update. They think they do. They don't know what's good for them, Miss Elizabeth. We interrupted their podcast. We didn't. It was a podcast that was dedicated just to death metal. Yeah, Jorg's podcast. We got in the way of that. And it turns out there's an enormous and thriving death metal culture here, so we have to step in and fill the gap. You can tell that lie as much as you want, Miss Elizabeth. It's not going to make it any more true. I'm not going to rehash the story, but Jorg Flernstadt, I'm calling him out right here right now, is a prima donna. He's a podcasting prima donna, and he didn't like me pranking him. We had a pranking war. I ended up in the hospital in an unrelated situation. He didn't like the attention, so he checked himself into the hospital, citing exhaustion. And this is why this death metal update started appearing on our show, but that was fun. Four years ago, Miss Elizabeth. Well, so I don't need it. I don't see the ongoing need. Fine. Let's get it over with quickly. Death metal update. What is the latest and greatest in that off putting off kilter subculture?
00:28:11
Speaker
tummy aches for a good cause. Smileton's death metal community came together last weekend to host the first annual, it's going to be annual Smileton death metal mac and cheese yes please fundraiser. well There was mac, you like mac and cheese and charitable helpingness at the Smileton Civic Center as local death metal denizens had their fill of delicious death metal cuisine and it was all for a good cause. This fresh death metal take on socializing over pasta, which, Jason, you are all about socializing over pasta, brought a breath of fresh- What a slap in the face. Of course I am, Miss Elizabeth, and this is a grotesque perversion. I thought you would have been down with this activity. Pasta by itself is sufficient. You don't need to muck it up with death metal. Right, this fresh death metal take on socializing over pasta brought a breath of fresh ghost-touched air to this kind of thing. But kind of thing but unfortunately, the money raised for charity did come at a cost. you The perversion of pasta has to stop.
00:29:16
Speaker
as participants feasted like a lunatic cannibal sorcerer, finally freed from his infinite tomb of endless madness, a wave of ill feeling swept the event. Oh no. Yeah. You've had that yeah but experience when you've been in an eating competition, for example. So these people are stuffing themselves, these amateurs are stuffing themselves full of death metal mac and cheese and they got a tummy ache. Is this the story you want to lead with? Yeah, I'm going to tell you some more so groans of discomfort replaced the sounds of pasta pleasure taking as stomachs became upset at the tainted pasta being fed to them. Oh, there we go. That's what you get with death metal. I'm just saying.
00:29:58
Speaker
I don't know if it was tainted, but that's one speculation. No blame here, but this death metal reporter thinks a little bit of foul cheese, brought in by a well-meaning but careless crypt burgling tomb prowler, led to mild food poisoning, which needn't trouble us further. No. No. Talk about a metaphor. A metaphor? Yeah. This whole thing is a metaphor for what death metal does to the community. this poison yeah ok This is not a metaphor. This was literally food poisoning, so no big deal. So no harm. No big deal. As with everything in death metal, it's the thought that counts, Jason. This is reckless. Do you just want to why will i wipe it under the carpet, Miss Elizabeth? As soon as something looks like it will begin to put the death metal community in a bad light, you got to be there, Doug. to distract the attention, you told us in no uncertain terms that death metal poisoned people.
00:30:53
Speaker
And the mac and cheese was the sorry conduit. Not death metal. A little bit of cheese. Oh, a little bit of foul cheese. So yeah, it's be a partaking death metal. And who knows? You get sick to your stomach. I hear you. Same here. It could have just been the sheer gluttony of the event. It might not have even been the cheese. It's thrown up a smokescreen and I'm choking from the fog. Well, we don't really know. But you know what? You're sounding like you're a little extra grumpy, maybe a little extra energy deprived. I've got some new releases to pick you right up. They still make death metal albums. Yes, of course. Why? No one needs that when we have more than we need. It's a thriving death metal culture here. Okay, so first of all, let's get into some Cannibal Vixen, which brings us Turn Up the Radio. I've said it before. I'll look at those Cannibal Vixen album covers till the cows come home, but I won't listen to one note of that music because it's sure to be crappy. What? Crappy? Yeah, I said it.
00:31:49
Speaker
Okay, well it says turn up the radio. I think it'll be full full of energy How about rancid potion which brings us the heat on the street? What what is with these screwball titles again death metal throwing a curveball? What are these titles even mean? Yeah, death metal can do a lot of different feet on the street. That sounds like guys 1979 album by they hit group chicago Well, that sounds like it might be an amazing place to start. How about Vistra Vindicated? Vistra Vindicated. I don't know if you've ever heard these guys. They sound great. Last one to the beach, Mrs. The Surf. Summertime. Let's have some summertime death metal fun once we get sick of... How did you how were you able to tell that those people felt sick with those with the painted face? Did they look a little pale?
00:32:32
Speaker
There might have been some throwing up. Oh, brother. OK. So and then you know how it goes. One throws up. Don't tell me death metal denizens were vomiting over their own all over their own cloaks. There might have been. Oh, well, once again, you you find a way to pull me back in because I would have enjoyed this spectacle. know. I know. I'm glad. I'm glad we've got a smile on your face right now. Bones of the dominated brings us catching some raisins. So, Cal. Nothing says death metal to me more than catching some rays. Catching some rays in SoCal. And then finally, Headless Ghoul Patrol. I think you're gonna love these guys. Dancing in the Sun. Baffling Band Name. Dancing in the Sun. No thank you. Headless Ghoul Patrol. you can just Why don't you just close this little enterprise of yours down? Stop inflicting this music on the rest of the world. No one needs it. No one wants it. It's summertime. Miss Elizabeth, but I trust this is the last of the new The last one for now, because these are new releases that are perfect for summer and the perfect for the Easter weekend to get you prepared for summer. I'm going to challenge the veracity of that statement. Oh, for heaven's sakes. How about best month ever? July is fast approaching. Yeah. This is my next story. Yes. It's a big one. oh okay OK. Okay? And in Smiles in That can only mean one thing. The Smiles in Death Metal Festival is clawing its way out of the tomb and into the blasted daylight once more to bring us an unparalleled panoply of death metal delights.
00:33:59
Speaker
As festival organizer, Georg Flernstadt proudly told reporters assembled in a makeshift tomb erected in Harvester Square. ok could That thing was amazing! How could he get a word out? He should have been drowned out by the gales of laughter. No, everybody enjoyed it. At this childish play acting. No there were like there were sounds of like haunting sounds of birds but and there was like that mist going it was kind of weird in the bright sunshine because it's springtime here but the death metal goes really nicely. It's all sorts of kind of weird. It's all sorts of kind of weird which is that's the essence of death metal.
00:34:32
Speaker
Anyways, here's what he said to reporters. Acts from around the world will be descending on our town like frenzied undead cannibal bats summoned by a blood-crazed sorceress who sings the song of the eternal night's beckoning. What? Again? No, not again, Miss Elizabeth. What a preposterous utterance. Well, what it means is that there's going to be acts. Why can't he talk like a normal person? He's here promoting this this town-destroying music festival that no one asked for. Do you hate poetry? I don't. is
00:35:04
Speaker
Because death metal is sometimes a little bit poetic. They like to wax poetic on the deathly side. Sounds like this guy likes hearing the sound of his own voice. From bluegrass pioneers, the whiskey mountain boys, and country superstars, Tennessee River dogs, to the pulsating techno wizards, beats on repeat, and singer-songwriter Candace McCafferty, the music of this year's festival will fill the souls of all who hear it with unearthly fractured visions. I love it. This is the dead end of every music festival. Mission creep. Mission creep? The tendrils have suffocated its host. Okay, you call it mission creep, but death metal denizens call it we welcome all. Every other type of music is going to be performing at the death metal festival. It's not a death metal festival. All are welcome Jason. It's a random grab bag of have acts of varying talents. Okay, well, I can't wait, Jorg. I've already got my sunglasses and death metal lawn chair. Yeah, I can wait. um Once again, July X the whole month out. I got to find a way to get out of this town. Okay, death metal kudos. Congratulations to death metal podcaster.
00:36:17
Speaker
Yeah. Kristoff, for winning this month's Most Improved... Oh, silence, ladies and gentlemen. You don't listen to that show, be honest. Most Improved Death Metal Podcaster Award from the Crypt Arises magazine. Most Improved Death Metal Podcaster. That's right. He has improved. What is this? Preschool? He has done... Okay, come on. Improvement is important. Okay. ah Yeah. Yes. Okay, I'll go into detail. His comfort in front of the microphone is noticeably improved and and he is slowly contributing more to the show aside from his side-splittingly funny impression of local podcaster Jason. Oh, delightful. You know that is one of the things he does. Yes, that's all that Dunst can do is do a half-assed imitation of me. Okay. People eat it up and it just encourages them.
00:37:04
Speaker
So he does your grumpiness really well. He does the word delightful. Oh, perfect. Oh, fun. Fun. Yes. And oh, fun, fun. Like he'll copy those. He will. Oh, I'm glad. Okay. I'm glad to be the the source of mockery. it's He's not mocking. It's more of an homage. It's not an homage. Keep going. That dunce doesn't know what an homage is. Keep going, Kristoff. You're doing super great and the whole world is noticing. I know if you try, you can get even better. You're literally encouraging him. in I am. Yeah, to imitate me. Well... Poor behavior. It's what he's good at. calling out for poor behavior. Let us close the cursed tome on this edition of the death metal update. Yeah, I did see. Did you see, dear listener friend? Did I tell you that would was going to be a preposterous
Community and Personal Reflections
00:37:51
Speaker
waste of time? I think the audience might have liked it. Ladies and gentlemen, silence the fire hose. I got news for you. We got a new one. Yeah. Yeah. What 3000 PSI. Okay.
00:38:01
Speaker
It'll knock you right into next week if I care to unleash it upon you. So you may pull another stunt like applauding when you're not instructed to, then you'll see what it's like. Okay, my goodness. I'm the only one laughing at that. Miss Elizabeth if these people got me cross Yeah, it makes me think this world needs fixing. I know and that is why I started Smilton betterment society. Oh is this ah and now a word from our sponsor not a sponsor. Oh, it's a cultural message of Supreme import
00:38:36
Speaker
Okay, how about- Smilton, public service announcement. I don't need help buddy boy. Okay. I set the stage and I'm gonna walk upon it and I'm gonna bark at an audience and that's you good people right now. Okay, let's go. Miss Elizabeth, hit the music. Okay. This public service- Wait, wait, wait. I gotta hit the music. And go. This public service announcement. Is it? No, it has to keep going.
00:39:05
Speaker
put the music on, hit the music, and keep it going until I tell you otherwise. okay let's go go This public service announcement is a message in the public interest and is brought to you by the Smilton Betterment Society. Smilton is a great place to live, and we the citizens need to do all we can to ensure the ongoing sustainment of Smilton's pleasant habitability. Eternal vigilance, my friends. Once that toboggan ride down to the toilet starts, there's no stopping, so we must resist the slightest slippage whenever it presents itself. Okay, but toboggan rides are so much fun. Why are we toboggan riding down towards a toilet? That's my big question. That's what's floating in the sky for me. Why do we do things that make us approach the toilet? Why can't it just be fun? Good question. Miss Elizabeth, those are my questions. Okay, fine. We've got men running around in flip-flops. We have foodies indulging everywhere. We have community theater running roughshod over everything we hold dear. It's like you're writing an advertisement about Smilton right now. I've complained about each and every one of these. My record speaks for itself.
00:40:11
Speaker
Okay, my record of complaint miss. I know I've i've said it loud and proud. This is not a stop. Okay, so just just to recap then Running around in flip-flops. Yeah, so I think a man you think it's bad. I know it's bad foodies indulging everywhere Yeah, I think that's good. Do you think it's bad or act community theater? I think that's good. You think it's bad. Okay. Yeah, okay, so I A health of a healthy culture and in a fine little town. I think it's good. You think it's bad. Okay. So the question then presents itself. Why aren't you supporting the Smiles and Betterment Society? I thought we'd have hundreds of members by this point. Okay. It's because you're so grumpy. I thought most people care about this town. Well, turns out I might be out to lunch. It's still just me in the Smiles and Betterment Society.
00:41:02
Speaker
but miss elizabeth i Okay, full disclosure, I do still have that one guy. He told me he might be interested in joining. okay've I've been working on him for months now, yeah and it's becoming clear to me the guy's a bit of a space case, okay so I'm not not even sure if he'd be any use to the Smilton Betterment Society, even if he did choose to commit. I wonder what he would do. Like, I wonder what you guys would do together in the Smiles and Betterment Society. Improve the town one step at a time. Okay. Calling out the trouble spots, getting to work, putting the putting the gloves on, getting the sponges, getting the buckets, getting the spic and span. All right. get Just do it now. ah I'm trying. What do you think I'm doing right here, Miss Elizabeth? I'm trying. Okay.
00:41:41
Speaker
I'm fighting a good fight while the rest of you sit in the cafe sipping coffee. The war is on the streets. I'm fighting the dragons and the rest of you people just sit around playing solitaire on your phones. Oh, okay. Miss Elizabeth, is that not the truest thing I've ever said? Well, no, it's not really true because I'm not playing solitaire on my phone. I'm busy helping plan the the death metal festival. yeah if Miss Elizabeth, ah get back to your phone, play solitaire. It's less destructive to the town. Well, maybe I don't need help. Maybe it takes just one person to change history. Once I save the town, maybe at least ah you'll have the decency to say thanks. Just a thought. This has been a public service announcement. Okay. Ms. Elizabeth. So this public service announcement was just you saying that it's only you now? Aww.
00:42:29
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's not. It's not. It's only me. It's where are the rest of you? Why am I the only one working towards betterment? All right. It's a baffling question. This was the one to which I have no bad answer. All right. Let me help you. You need to create some events that will attract some people who will be interested in your project. Uh, have you, have you heard the public service announcement? That's an event. You got to listen. And when I point to a trouble spot, people should hop into action and say, yeah, we got to clean this up. Men wearing flip flops. No way. Foodies overindulging and being too, uh, too fussy with their food. No way. Not in my town. I can't be the only person saying that, Ms. Elizabeth. Can I join? Would you like me to join? I have some friends I can maybe bring in. Whoa, Ms. Elizabeth.
00:43:13
Speaker
Slow down. Okay, ah your application will be considered but a flood of you and your narrative well friends I fear the the smouthed and betterment society may itself need to be in need of betterment okay oh that's ouch ouchy oh yeahll miss elizabeth Don't play don't play sly with me. I know I gotta I gotta keep my eyes open when I'm dealing with you when it comes to better Delightful stuff out of the archive Yeah. Do you still feel the same way about flip flops now that you've had contact with so many people with clogs? Uh, yeah. Pretty much exactly. My my position on flip flops hasn't changed. No, I have plenty of room in my heart to hate all kinds of footwear. Okay. Do you have any favorite footwear? Uh, not really. The classic sneaker. Is it because you don't like feet? Feet are fine. They serve a purpose. They do. They're very important. But I'm not hung up on them.
00:44:04
Speaker
Put a shoe on or don't just leave me alone, but flip-flops have gotta go and clogs are beyond the pale. Yeah, okay. So I need to refine someday what exactly are the right footwear styles? I'll tell ya. If you have any questions, let me know. Okay. They will be answered decisively. I think the rules are different for men as for women. Am I right about that? Exactly. Yes. Women can do what they want. Okay. These rules I'm giving you only apply to men. Okay. Got it. Because of how hairy they are. It's not. because there's Are you trying to trivialize my, my dictums?
00:44:39
Speaker
Cause they're hairy and muscular. They're feet. They're so hairy and muscular and sweaty. Yeah. I can't. Okay. Ms. Elizabeth, um you can, you can have your own thoughts. I'll leave you to them. I'm going to thank you. I'm just assuming that's why you want them to be covered up. get No, Miss Elizabeth, can you, I got to introduce the song. I got to thank dear listener friend for staying with us this long through this nonsense. Okay. And let's, let's listen to one more song by the smile syndicate. And this one has no words, but it does have our rhythm. Rhythm 21. Let's go.
00:45:15
Speaker
you
00:46:34
Speaker
ś ś
00:47:40
Speaker
Rhythm 21, right here on Hello Smilton. I'm envisioning dancing shoes with that song. Good. Yeah, you and your feet, you're hung up. I got to just put on my cap, put on my disguise and get out of here. I got to slink through the streets of Smilton and get away from this death metal festival nonsense and mark another X on the calendar because we're one day closer to this whole national nightmare being over. Okay Jason, don't forget, look both ways before you cross the street. I know. I can guarantee for the rest of the month I'm not going to get hit by any more golf carts. How do you know that for sure? Because I'm staying frosty. It happened to me last week. It hasn't happened to me yet this week and it's not a gunna. May I recommend travel in a golf cart? It's a good solution. We'll see. I'll take it under advise advisement. There you go. It's more fun too.
00:48:33
Speaker
It's got anything's more fun than getting hit with one of them. You could ride in a dune buggy if you prefer I do really cool. I do prefer they are cool. Dear listener friend. Hope you had fun We're gonna be back next week another episode of hellos mountain in the meantime. This one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth. Take us out That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more, Smileton. So spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is a jukebox.