Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
The Sinister Influence of Inertia
37 Plays7 months ago
Shield your eyes. And you'd better go ahead and shield those ears as well because a supernova of entertainment is about to explode in your proximity. What is detonating with such compelling force? Why, it's just this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Join Miss Elizabeth and Jason for a breathtaking journey through comedy and original music, all broadcast live to tape from Smileton, the podcasting capital of the world.
The off-kilter, bizarre world of Death Metal is brought to us in a breezy, baffling, Us Magazine-like feature Miss Elizabeth brings to us and we can only be referring to DEATH METAL UPDATE.
The good people of Smileton have their say in the SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD and Jason's head will surely be left spinning.
Add a couple of catchy songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE and I'd say you've got a pretty nice entertainment platter sitting in front of you. DIG IN.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
3:38 Death Metal Update
17:43 SONG – Granny's Gone a-Skinny Dippin'
21:57 Smileton Community Message Board
37:30 SONG – The Sun Is A Jukebox
Recommended
Transcript
Welcome to Hello, Smileson!
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileson! Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to take straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason! Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. What a cheerful introduction. You're setting the tone, you're setting the pace for this episode of Hello, Smileson, and we thank you all for it.
00:00:25
Speaker
You seem happy, Jason. I'm so glad. Oh, I always start the show happy. Miss Elizabeth and then something seems to happen. Something goes wrong? So I'm ready for it. OK. I got a smile plastered on my face, but we'll just we'll just see. I'm cautiously optimistic. You have to be in these days. But if something goes off the rails, something goes to skew. I'm not going to be. I'll be the last person to be surprised by it. It's going to go off the rails. We are prepared
Studio Audience Antics
00:00:51
Speaker
and ready to go. And we have a good supportive audience.
00:00:54
Speaker
No podcaster prepares more than I do, Miss Elizabeth. I know. So I'm not worried about me. I'm fairly worried about you, but normally you get your ass together enough to make it to the end of the show. Did you just reference a body part of mine? No. Okay. Get your ass together. Oh, my ass. I thought you said something else. I don't know what you're talking about, Miss Elizabeth, and you dare mention the studio audience. All right.
00:01:17
Speaker
talk about people who are not invested in the success of the show. Dear listener friend, we know you're invested in the success of the show, otherwise you'd be wasting your time listening to some crappy podcast. You gotta support the show with eager attention. Ladies and gentlemen, I'll deal with you soon enough. We are having fun already. On the one hand, we have dear listener friend who supports this show. On the other hand, we have the ne'er-dwells in the studio audience who think it's performance time.
00:01:45
Speaker
They come here, they have their own agenda, they're not supporting the
Show Preparations
00:01:48
Speaker
show. They just seek to distract. And that's all they get up to. And you can see what they're doing. Dear listener friend, fortunately you can't see them, but they're all dressed up as mannequins today. Blank faces, frozen poses, and yet...
00:02:07
Speaker
Oh, but they're jolly. Don't worry about that. So they're trying to be disturbing. I don't know what you mean by dressed up like mannequins. They look like mannequins. None of them have their featureless faces staring down upon us. There are some mannequins up there. They brought in some mannequins. Some of them are mannequins and some of them are people.
00:02:22
Speaker
I'm not going to parse out which one is a mannequin and which one purports to be humanoid. Okay. I will say they're all ne'er-do-wells and they're all going to be thrown about violently with the fire hose. No. Should the situation warm? Well, it is pretty warm, so they might not mind. No, this isn't, this isn't a, what do you call that? A wacky water bug? Yeah. Like a water slide. Absolutely not. No, this is a wacky atom bomb of water is going to be hitting you if you don't clean up your act, ladies and gentlemen. Not me.
00:02:52
Speaker
Well, you might get hit. No. There's a whole lot of water coming out of that fire hose. You'll hit the sound board. Once the fire hose gets going. It'll be a problem. Plus, we have Mickey here in the studio. Studio dog is watching the proceedings. His name is Michelangelo. We should get him to bark down those studio audience members and make them a little bit more afraid to step out of line because he's pretty accepting of those goons. He is accepting.
00:03:19
Speaker
He needs to go back to dog school. We have some fun for you, dear listener friend. Today we've got updates and we've got messages from our dear citizenry of Smilton. That'll be later in the show in the Smilton community message board. Of course, the venerable segment here on Hello Smilton. But first,
00:03:38
Speaker
is a segment.
Death Metal Madness
00:03:39
Speaker
Let's play the music, let's get it going, and let's get this over with as soon as possible. It's inexplicable why this segment is initial. I'll be efficient. You will be efficient, Ms. Elizabeth. That's also informative. There's no sense being efficient at a thing that is a complete waste of time.
00:03:55
Speaker
okay well that's a bit rude years ago rude years ago we started doing a death metal update right well that's not very on brand for your happy go lucky brand of entertainment you smiled and people and because you ran that podcast host mr york florinstat oh stop it out of the studio and into the hospital as i recall no i was in the hospital
00:04:18
Speaker
He didn't like, he was jealous of the attention I was getting, so he faked an injury. He said he was exhausted or something like that. He was in the hospital longer than I was. That was like five years ago. And you still have no compassion for that man. No, I don't. And Miss Elizabeth, we gotta hold up the death metal end here while Yorg's getting repaired.
00:04:36
Speaker
You destroyed, you did battle with another podcast. You destroyed it. And now there's an audience hanging out looking for death metal content and we destroyed that content. So we have to present it. We did it because you do that podcast every week with those goofs. Well, that's true. It came back. So yeah, it came back again. It came back five years ago. So there's no need for it here now. This is the sinister influence of inertia. Our audience expects it now.
00:05:05
Speaker
OK, well, Miss Elizabeth, if you have a death metal update, let's just get going. I do have an update. The Smiles and Death Metal Fun Run was held for the first time in what feels like forever last weekend, and there was so much uncanny fitness and crit burgling fun on display there, I tell you. Oh, I don't believe that for one second.
00:05:27
Speaker
It was wacky, crazy times in Death Metal Land. I believe that. I don't believe one of the... I don't believe a single one of those runners was fit in any medically acceptable sense of the term, physical or psychological. You have to be so insulting. Getting out for any kind of a run is to be lauded, I think, in this day and age. It is. It is. Jorg Johannes Bucky Flernstadt. Whoa, hang on. What? Hang on what? Hang on. What did you just say? Jorg Johannes Bucky Flernstadt. His name wasn't long enough before.
00:05:57
Speaker
He's adding Bucky in there, in quotes. Oh, as a nickname. It's an extra name. Did he create that for himself? Listen, when people add things to their names, or change their names, it's disrespectful not to. Oh, too bad. It's disrespectful. Too effing bad, Bucky.
00:06:12
Speaker
So he was beaming with pride when he spoke with this reporter. It couldn't have gone better. The 78 aid tents that we set up were full to capacity as our runners came streaming in suffering from heat exhaustion and shin splints.
00:06:28
Speaker
Yeah, no kidding. They were prepared. You got people who are in no shape to perform any kind of run. They're putting on cloaks. Prepared. They're getting way too hot. They're trundling. They start to suffer the effects of heat stroke. Well, you're not wrong, Jason. Those cloaks and clogs, beloved by so many of our brethren, are not the most breathable act of wear as it turns out. Weird. OK. You weren't there for a consult. No, I wasn't, Miss Elizabeth. But I will tell you, this story is making me
00:06:56
Speaker
Very happy. Okay, but no matter the talented actors whom we bust in from Saskatchewan were certainly spooky as the zombie hordes chasing our runners. Oh, come on. We got to be chased by zombies. Always in that fun. Some not so fast zombies. No, no. All from Saskatchewan. From Saskatchewan, that's right. Well, we couldn't, I mean, nobody here wanted to be a zombie. Everybody wanted to be a runner.
00:07:19
Speaker
Everyone wants to be the star. They don't want to be the star. You could tell me any rationale for any decision taken or not taken, and I'd have to accept it because it's all just preposterous anyway. And congratulations to Basil Nightdweller Jr. who finished first with a record time of 181 minutes. Not bad for five kilometers. A 5K run in three hours? A 5K marathon, that's right. Is that the 5K marathon? Stop it. I'm going to call it a marathon because they ran without stopping.
00:07:49
Speaker
That's not a marathon. No? No, it isn't. That's got to be the course record. Three hours? Well, 181 minutes. I'm not going to say how many hours that was.
00:08:01
Speaker
And if you want to measure how much fun was had, I can only tell you that it was off the charts. My granny can run faster than that. I'd like to see that. Okay, fine. Maybe she can plop on some cogs and a cape. She's not plopping on anything.
00:08:20
Speaker
This reporter reports that the only thing she'll be running from is running to death metal good times like these that will be multiplying like cursed mushrooms as we head towards the 2024 Smiles and Death Metal Festival. Thanks for that. Thanks for that. I forgot that that festival was coming. I had a brief
00:08:42
Speaker
Every year Jason. The sky cleared briefly and I could consider an actual path ahead. The sky cleared, but night's on the way. Fun. And with night death metal. Time for some death metal shoutouts. You're getting far too bold. Do you think I'm getting bold? I know. I'm just getting excited. Yeah. Okay, death metal shoutouts. You ready?
00:09:05
Speaker
No, surely these are not necessary. Cryptachio the Nightbound. After your adventure this week, now you know why it's important to go to the dentist at least once a year.
00:09:17
Speaker
Oh, Cryptachio. He had a mouthful of garbage, huh? You don't know the adventure. Ran into some trouble there. Once per year. You still need a healthy set of chompters even if you're nightbound, Cryptachio. Vicsenia, then sexy Night Witch. If that restaurant insists on selling you bad clams that made you go and get your stomach pumped for sure, I'll sue, but that's just me. Okay. I'm not a lawyer. No.
00:09:45
Speaker
Oh, well, thank goodness, Ms. Elizabeth, I was just about to pick up the phone and call a law firm. And to Kristoff, my hilarious co-host on the Yorg Presents, the ultimate death metal hour featuring Yorg, Yorg Johannes Bucky Flernstadt. Stop it with the Bucky. Well, I have to add Bucky because he asked.
00:10:04
Speaker
He's requested it. That name is already too long. It's how he introduces himself at parties now. That whole show has got 18 words in the title. Thanks so much for making me laugh so much.
00:10:17
Speaker
Me? No, no, no, no. To Kristoff. Kristoff? Yes. He makes you laugh. Yeah, thanks so much for making me laugh. I'm going to say thank you to you as well. Oh yeah, don't bother. Don't bother. Is that it for death metal update? I've lost my patience with it quite frankly. Not even halfway through. And fans, make sure that you check out the latest issue of Scratchings of the Entombed magazine. I feel like I need to clarify. Why would you do that?
00:10:41
Speaker
The magazine isn't entombed. The magazine is entitled Scratchings of the Entombed. I was with you. Don't worry. In it is this photo essay documenting the death metal fashion show Internationale.
00:10:58
Speaker
Internationale. I think it has an A at the end. Internationale. It's Ritzy. I get it. That was hosted in Smilton last month. That explains some of the creeps and weirdos I was seeing out on the sidewalk. It brought in quite a few people from outside. Real characters should have been straight to the slammer with most of them. Cutting edge death metal fashion with a healthy slice of don't go there undead girlfriend.
00:11:23
Speaker
makes this photo spread more compelling than a purloined spell book written by a flesh-crazed sorcerer from the pan-dimensional Never Void. Yeah, perfect. I wasn't sure what you meant, but that perfectly snaps it into focus what you're talking about there. Don't go there, undead girlfriend. No, I won't. Don't worry. I can't even complain about this anymore.
Community Messages
00:11:45
Speaker
I don't have the energy or the spirit.
00:11:47
Speaker
OK, well, I think maybe it's because you're missing out on some of the new releases from Death Metal. Will that ever slow down? How about Bloated Carcassie? Carcassie CA? Carcassie.
00:12:04
Speaker
How about not? Okay, well it's called Tears of the Undead Clown. That sounds like the worst album I ever didn't hear. Okay, that was that was by the band called Bloated Carcassie. I got it. Okay, here's another band. Okay. Limbs of the Sorceri. Okay.
00:12:24
Speaker
There's a lot of explanations why these names are starting to come out the same and they're all dumb. The album is called Sunsets Upon a Dying Star. Oh, isn't that cool? How could that be possible? Right, exactly. If you're not on the star...
00:12:41
Speaker
That's one of the things I love about the undead is like so many impossibilities at play. Yeah. I love it. Underbelly Incorporated. Okay. Sorceroy and Carcassai. That's the name of the album? Okay, you're fooling. You're messing with me now. The album is called Sorceroy and Carcassai. What is with these weird plurals? I don't know. I think it makes it... It's the flavor of the month in Death Metal Land. It's coming from the Never Void. Oh, hmm. That's where it comes from. Okay. Eat cannibal, eat. Pizza party.
00:13:11
Speaker
I can understand that at least. So the band name is Eat Cannibal Eat. Yeah. And the album is called? Pizza Party. Pizza Party. Oh fun. Which one of these do you think you might like to listen to first? I think I might like to hear the sound of those records being smashed to pieces. Oh for heaven's sakes. And thrown off a bridge?
00:13:30
Speaker
Okay, how about Cry Out, oh black beaked bird? That's a catchy name. They have an album called Flights or the Crimson Tombs of Tomorrow's Azure Dawn. Picture ask that one. No, pretentious is what I'm thinking. That sounds like the worst one of the batch. Alright, time to hit the lighter side of death metal. I'd rather listen to Sorcera and Carcassai.
00:13:53
Speaker
There you go. Okay, we can hit you up with that. Can you actually tell the difference between any of these albums? Underbelly Incorporated is what you just requested to listen to. Yeah, I know, but they all sound the same.
00:14:05
Speaker
Well, I don't know how you think... Sounds like Cookie Monster hopped off on something in a bad mood. All right. On the lighter side of Death Metal, as preparations for the 2024 Smiles in Death Metal Festival continue, a little bit of a whoopsie doodle brought a little needed levity to what has been a relentless hard work. Yeah. Is this little whoopsie doodle the unintentional cancellation of the whole thing forever more?
00:14:32
Speaker
You know, no. So this is a whoopsie doodle that is not... I don't really want to hear it then. It wasn't able to be undone. So you'll... OK, I like that. Does it cripple the financial viability of the SED Festival? I doubt it because it's always growing every single year, but it does add to the budget for sure. Does it take away Jorg's enthusiasm for doing it? Is it becoming a bit of a chore? He might just want to stop doing it for his mental health. Is that likely? Just listen, because some creativity... I'm trying to find an angle to smile about here.
00:15:00
Speaker
Well, you'll smile at first and then I think you'll be annoyed because it worked out okay. That's my story of my life. Instead of receiving a shipment of 250 porta-potties, uh-oh, festival organizers instead found themselves in the being the proud owners of 250 tons of ping pong balls.
00:15:23
Speaker
So the number 250 translated, but the product was completely insanely wrong. Well, I think because Porta Potty and Ping Pong Ball somehow, maybe they were listed one after the other. They've got to get a different supplier, because those aren't really that close. Something like that. Setbacks like these are nothing to an old festival organizing farmhand like me, Miss Elizabeth, says festival organizer Jörg Johannes-Bucky Flernstadt. You can say Bucky till the cows come home. I'm not accepting it.
00:15:51
Speaker
I'm sure with a little black paint and a little elbow grease, we will turn these little balls into something spooky. Something tells this reporter the festival is going to be even more fun this year. I can't wait. I can. I think some of those balls need to be silver.
00:16:07
Speaker
I think. Like stars. Yeah, cancel the whole thing and maybe do a really good job of it next year. There's still time to get port-a-potties. Somewhere else. That's a good idea. There's still time for port-a-pottie deliveries. Take the show on the road and leave Smilton alone. That's my advice to you. That's not happening because of how much money comes into the town with this festival. Well, what priced our sanity?
00:16:28
Speaker
The one thing that I forgot to mention was just if you can try to imagine while people were on the fun run in those clogs. Throwing up. It was a thunderous sound of everybody just running down the street. Sounded like a bunch of drunk horses staggering down the cobblestones.
00:16:44
Speaker
I mean, it was a bit louder than that. I mean, there was hundreds of people. Yeah, I got it. And there was a certain amount of moaning because they all had blisters starting anyway. Yeah, a lot of noise. Right at the start. Yeah. A lot of pollution in general. Let us close the cursed tome on this edition of Death Metal Update.
00:17:01
Speaker
Oh, thanks, I guess, Miss Elizabeth. The propriety behooves me to say something appreciative in the direction of that thing that you just presented this show, but the damage you've done to this show is considerable. You're welcome, Jason. The hole that we're in is quite deep. That was my pleasure. And let's start digging our way out of this hole. It was as deep as a cannibal corpse's grave.
00:17:28
Speaker
Let's play some music for the love of Pete. Let's reach on over. Here we go. The smile to the radio. We're going to tune in a sharp top and hit by the smile syndicate. And I think we're going to land on a good one. I think we have granny's gone to skinny dipping right on. Let's go.
00:18:05
Speaker
is fussing, all of feuding, yelling, cussing's all they're doing. Angry faces looking mean, people yelling, that's obscene. What makes the people lose?
00:18:27
Speaker
What makes the people so upset Granny's gone to skinny dipping Drops her drawers and in she's skipping
00:18:53
Speaker
The town is fussing, hall of feuding, yelling, cussing's all they're doing. Angry faces looking mean, people yelling mad songs.
00:19:18
Speaker
The people so upset, when he's gone the skinny dipping, drops her drawers and in she's skipping. Take a picture, turn and run, she is good with either way.
00:19:56
Speaker
Smiling faces such a sight People shouting, Granny's right What made the people stop the fight? What made the people see the light? What made the people sing and dance? What made the people drop their pants? Granny's gone, a skinny tippin' Drop some drawers
00:20:59
Speaker
Skinny Dippin. It's a perfect day for Skinny Dippin. Dear listener friend, don't go do such a thing. Surely you're going to take that as a metaphor. Why not? It's not advisable.
00:21:17
Speaker
Not today. You got a show to listen to. You're in a private situation and you want to go skinny dipping? Do it. Do you listen to a friend? Not only should you not go skinny dipping while you're listening to the show, I don't want you unclothed in any sense while you're listening to the show. Okay, but the universe is nude. That's one of your songs. You're trying to use my songs against me now. Okay, a little bit.
00:21:39
Speaker
I'm just giving dear listener friends some useful listening advice. Keep the clothes on until the show is complete. What you get up to after that is none of my business. That's correct. It is none of your business. They can take their clothes off and go skinny dipping if they so choose. No, they can't. Keep your nose clean.
00:21:56
Speaker
And while you're keeping your nose clean, let's listen to this segment that's upcoming now, where we listen to the good people that smiled and spout off with whatever crank idea, with whatever bizarre utterance they can summon from the depths of their tortured psyche. Okay, I've got some messages. Do you have some messages? I've got some messages that people send them into the message board and we gotta read them out.
00:22:18
Speaker
Okay, I got a good one. Are you ready? I am. Hey, Smileton, you're looking a little shaggy these days. I think your hair and beard need a trim. That's probably accurate. Plus, are you hungry? Hungry feeling in your belly? Then it sounds like you're ready for the Jolly Barbecue. Bar-ber-be-kew.
00:22:39
Speaker
Barbecue. It's a barber and a barbecue. Good business name. Can't even say it. Located in the heart of the Smilton Mall food court, Jason, where you will have access to it because you're there all the time. The shaggy barbecue lets you get trimmed up nice while chowing down on ribs or the healthiest, sorry, heaviest, submarine sandwiches that you've ever beheld. This goof can't even decide on the name of his business, whether it's the jolly barbecue or the shaggy barbecue.
00:23:07
Speaker
oh well okay that's true no that's what it is what the message says you gotta go with it that's true and also i think that the the emphasis is on barbecue i think that's what it that's what it really is yeah get your hair cut and eat at the same time challenge ball idea yeah you might end up with a bit of a hairy meatball
00:23:25
Speaker
Right? On the heaviest submarine sandwiches you've ever held, look good, feel good, and support an up-and-coming Smilton small business. Sounds like wins all around to this jolly barber, Benjamin Barber. His last name is Barber. That's why he became a barber. The Gentleman Barber mailbox 45065.
00:23:47
Speaker
He's thrown out eight different names for the business. Is he a gentleman barber? Is it a shaggy barber of a queue? Jolly barber of a queue? Benjamin barber? My head is spinning. Your head is spinning. Time for... I'm not going to the barber. I go to the food court every day. Yeah. And once that thing opened, it brought a cloud to my experience in the food court. What if you could get your hair done and get lunch for the same price as you're currently paying for lunch?
00:24:15
Speaker
No. Why would I corrupt the experience of having fast food in a fast food mall food court? Fast food? Fast hair? No. Yeah. You don't combine those things. Fast food? Fast style? Never. Never. Can I get onto my message? Yes, please.
00:24:30
Speaker
I'm California Doon Buggy legend Booty Coombs, and I'm thinking I've about had it with this penny anti-town. Oh no, don't leave. Good work, Miss Elizabeth. What? What? I blame you in part for this, whatever he's gonna say. I'm in favor of these Doon Buggies. Yes. Okay, let's just hear from Booty. Okay. Time for a frank discussion, Smilton. Let's talk turkey. Straight talk, me and you. Let's cut the bowl. It's time for some man-to-man talk.
00:24:59
Speaker
Straight up, no jive. Let's cut to the heart of the matter. I'm not here to point fingers except for this one that I've got pointed straight at you, Smilton. Let us stop the masquerade, shall we? Let's cut the pretense and just put our cards on the table. The charade is now at an end.
00:25:21
Speaker
Let's talk to each other as grown-ups. Kid time is over. It's time to get serious. Let us not words mints any longer. We're past the point of- Words mints? We're past the point of California Doom Buggy Legend Booty Coombs mailbox 21. I think there's an intervention required. I think he needs, I think he's maybe gone over like a sand dune. He got cut off.
00:25:45
Speaker
He got caught off with, let us not mince words any longer. We're past the point of, and that's it. Yeah. Counting in California Doom Buggy legend, Booty Coombs. Booty Coombs is in trouble. He's in danger, obviously. Have you called the authorities? He's not in trouble. He's just fed up and he probably got distracted. Maybe his phone rang and then he didn't finish the message and then he just sent it in. I'm going to have to surmise what he's actually upset about because he didn't actually get to the complaint.
00:26:09
Speaker
in his message. Don't bother surmising. There's zero hints in this thing. There's plenty of hints. He tried to have a doom buggy festival a year or two ago. It conflicted with the death metal festival and he got driven out of town. He had to go do it somewhere else. Absolutely ridiculous. I mean, he just needs to talk to the death metal festival about integrating his production with ours. No. We're perfectly willing to integrate.
00:26:34
Speaker
We'll compromise with anybody as long as they do exactly what we tell them to do. We'll compromise where I come from. What's the next mystery? All right. I think I know the dude selling the bear costume. I think it was a bear costume for sale in an earlier episode or something. It was a horrifying idea. I thought it was adorable. You thought it was horrifying. Yuck. I used to see him hanging around the parking lot at Grateful Dead shows. His name was Mirmadon.
00:27:01
Speaker
Myrmidon with the bear costume. Sounds like a sterling, upstanding citizen. Probably was, but we just called him Donny the Dancing Bear. See how cute that sounds? Cute. When he wasn't selling nitrous balloons to the Deadheads, he was wandering around the parking lot offering free hugs to hippy chicks.
00:27:26
Speaker
boy oh boy free hugs and he was teaching sunday school on the side there was this one time in chicago in july where i was cooking out and he came over and i offered him a bratwurst and a coke but he wouldn't take the coke because he said it was unhealthy this is turning into a story this i have no clue what's being talked about now
00:27:47
Speaker
I said, brother, you're walking around in a 90 degree heat in a full bear costume, a full on bear costume, selling whippets, and you're worried about high fructose corn syrup? Anyhow, sounds like he landed on his feet working in the travel and entertainment industry. So good on you, Donnie. I have no clue what that is. This is from Geroc... Geroc... Gerocote?
00:28:10
Speaker
Okay. If I haven't heard a name, it's hard to say it the first time. That's ridiculous. First of all, this violates my rule about preposterous names being accepted to the mailbox because someone named Jared Cody
00:28:30
Speaker
cannot have anything worthwhile. And you just you just did like a stream of consciousness story that went nowhere. I'm just not sure what actions take. There's no action. This is just I've got a soapbox. I'm going to stand on it. I'm just going to let whatever you know, the bear costume guy. And so we have some of the history behind. So what? Well, so now maybe it's more likely to sell. I don't know. We've got to move on. This is the most bizarre message we've ever had for sale for a large amount of money, I think.
00:28:56
Speaker
Yo yo, bop bop, what's crankin' spankers? Did you see what Prank Squad X be doin' lately? Hear anything about that new water treatment facility we were supposed to be gettin' here in this rinky-dink town? My boy Colt decided to be his old wacky, pranky self, and he scuttled that deal, but good! Bro, it was so hilarious, bro. He broke into Town Hall.
00:29:21
Speaker
He looked up the companies that were bidding on the contract to build that water thing. Wait, we need that. We need a new water treatment plant. Who even cares about it? And he changed some of the biz piz zapers to make it look like there was some money shenanigans going on. And then he called the dumb court and they came in and said, no way. And this deal is blown up. And everybody has egg on their face except your Prizank masters, Prank Squad X, LOL Burn. Yeah. Plus,
00:29:50
Speaker
Yeah, it was us that got that stupid road company to tear up the pavement all around Harvester Square. Traffic be snarled, yo! Arf, arf, boi! Prank Squad X gearing up for the summer of pranks. Ah, woosh. Okay, I don't find this to be funny or charming. Mr. Anderson's Grade 5 class for life. Because we need that new water treatment. PSX out. Later Broski Schuyler mailbox 10099.
00:30:15
Speaker
Okay, he's just costing this town a great deal of money. That's useful braggadocio. That's a creative prank. You're his favorite of this? Well, we do need a water treatment facility for sure. Ours is pretty old and it's antiquated, but scuttling a deal in such a creative way is a funny thing to be doing. That's not just a normal pie in the face prank. That's a sophisticated effort to scuttle an important infrastructure project. I feel like he's like an agent against Smileton.
00:30:43
Speaker
I think you're an agent against fun, Miss Elizabeth, because that was a hilarious prank. Plus tearing up, I admit getting the tricking a company into tearing up pavement all around Harvester Square was a lowbrow prank. But sometimes you just got to go for the belly laugh. And that's exactly what these high-spirited kids did. But that's not how you feel now when you're trying to drive to work.
00:31:05
Speaker
Well, I don't... I happen to not commute that way, Miss Elizabeth, so I'm fine. All right. Attention, Smileton, this is Sunshine Jane with a Consumer Report update. I'd like to report a negative... A show within a show. A negative experience with a Smileton moving company. Oh, this is a complaint about a moving company. Okay. Well, okay. Well, that should be exciting. They are called Vince Brock's Moving Service. Whoa, okay.
00:31:30
Speaker
After using them to move a large collection of curios from one storage facility to another, let me assure you, they would be more aptly called Vince Brock's Demolition and Destruction Services, which I think is also a company of theirs, to be honest. Vince Brock.
00:31:50
Speaker
Oh, it's Vance? I told you that story before. We might have heard it recently about the names on his trucks got misprinted and it was Vince Brock's Moving Service instead of Vance Brock's Vance Rock. Yeah, she's calling him Vince.
00:32:03
Speaker
Yeah, complete. Well, that's what the trucks say. I understand why she's so utterly confused. Okay, and so she also adds that their tagline should be, we're the rudest. Oh, lady, get a grip. I think every soul has the light of Mother Earth within them, but I'm thinking that this man crawled out of the Smiles and Tarpets with nothing but mayhem on his mind. I made an appointment with this company and they were two hours late. And when they finally- Did you try moving stuff all day and you're gonna run behind a little bit? Sorry.
00:32:33
Speaker
And when they did finally show up, they were driving so fast, they crashed right into the loading dock at the storage facility. Then there was a swearing and the rudeness. I told them in no way. They're movers. Come on. It's a hard job.
00:32:49
Speaker
no uncertain terms that if they didn't clean up their attitude, they wouldn't lay a finger on one of my curios. And my ultimatum went unheard as this Mr. Vince Brock had started scuffling with his compatriots, and they seemed more worried about bickering and pushing each other than moving my precious items. Well, it's not with that attitude, are you going to get any kind of good service? But they were fighting amongst each other, Jason. Just mind your own business.
00:33:16
Speaker
Consumer Reports update has two pieces of advice then. One, to everyone in Smileton, stay away from this business and two, to Mr. Vince Brock, grow up from Sunshine Jane mailbox 3060. She can't even get his name right. I think that she's got a really good point there.
00:33:39
Speaker
Come on. That's a business to business sale. And if they want more of those business to business sales, they have to really turn up with a positive attitude. Sounds like she came into this whole thing with a bad attitude and you got to meet your service provider halfway, lady. No, I think Vince needs to stop fighting with his brothers. He's not fighting with Lance at all. He's fighting with his crew, whoever they are.
00:34:04
Speaker
What do you think they're fighting about? Probably how to best deliver the most efficient moving service possible. And then this Sunshine Jane sounds like she's tried to stick her beak in there. Try to tell them what to do and they didn't take it too kindly because they are professionals. Then she has the nerve to spit at them from the side like this. They weren't having a discussion. They were actually scuffling. That's so important customer services to them. Okay.
00:34:29
Speaker
Yauza Yazoo, oh God. What you did, I don't want, do I have to read this? Yeah.
00:34:35
Speaker
Yowza Yazoo, have you heard? Rick the Stick, Jeffery's Morning Zoom, and Azurey Crew is the ratings winner for the third ratings period in a row. I feel this may have been cruel to put this to you. Yeah, the worst radio show ever. It's topping the charts and that speaks a lot about the state of radio today. People love it. The competition is crying and the audience is laughing and your buddy is smiling from ear to rear. Oh my goodness. Oh, what a delightful pun. Yeah.
00:35:06
Speaker
Why are we so much funnier than our competition? Just ask our audience. Here's a tweet from one of our fans. Oh, man. Pete the Freak was on fire this morning. Honk honk. When he drank all that hot sauce and puked, and hot Madison was all gross. I almost drove in the ditch. So funny, honk honk. Can you imagine typing that? Feeling compelled to deliver a message in that was the content? To type honk honk, yeah. Type all that garbage. Here's another one.
00:35:34
Speaker
when Todd the fart machine called in from that halfway house and he started those hilarious farts and his housemates started beating him up because of it on the phone I thought somebody had better win a frickin award for this so funny honk honk it doesn't sound funny that sounds funny you think that was funny Todd the fart machine getting beaten up
00:35:54
Speaker
Again, you tell me about these horrible podcasts, these horrible radio shows, and then when I hear a little bit more about what's going on, suddenly there's a hook, so maybe I can understand why people hold their nose and listen to this because something funny might actually happen.
00:36:11
Speaker
The people have spoken. Hilarity has a home in Smoughton and is on the radio. Rick the Stick Jeffery's Morning Zoom menagerie crew join me, the ringmaster of the nut job circus, Pete the Freak, Hot Madison, and the menagerie crew laugh crew.
00:36:28
Speaker
as we brighten up your mornings with whacked-out musings from the comedy asylum honk. Where's the second honk? Where's the second honk? Longtime listeners know why that's funny. Please, Rickums, don't hurt him. Rick the Stick Jefferies mailbox 90-91. I just don't find Rick to be charming at all. I don't even think a shower will do it. I think I need to stand there against the longest sandblasts to clean this filth off me, because what a horrible thing that this show even exists.
00:36:56
Speaker
Yeah, culture's on the decline, Jason. It's on the skids. It's a toboggan ride to Hades, like I like telling you. And this guy is the giggling ringmaster of the whole thing. Yeah. Plus, he's a hack.
00:37:13
Speaker
So yeah, you can't wait in any case. So Miss Elizabeth, that's the message board. Yeah. Well, we'll have to try to look on the cheerful side of life. That's going to be tough. Maybe with some music. All right. All right. Why don't we play something that'll brighten the most dour of countenances? OK. The sun is a jukebox. Let's brighten it up.
00:38:34
Speaker
you higher than the moon no clouds around sunshine and bright see the people dancing they're out of sight
00:39:23
Speaker
Nickel isn't what you need To make the music play The fiery fusion furnace Plays the hits all day Sunset is here No need for pride We'll still hear the music
00:40:21
Speaker
As soon as the jukebox by the Smash Syndicate right here on Hellosmiles, well, I guess that might have done the job. Miss Elizabeth, a trying show to be sure, a lot of objectionable content presented. Dear listener friend, I trust you, you got sort of a foul expression on your face, but the music hopefully has cheered you up a little bit. Yeah. Well, I hope you're ready to enjoy even more content next week when this show comes right back at you. Hellosmiles, we'll be back next week. I'm excited. There's tons of content coming.
00:40:49
Speaker
There's a bunch of fun headed straight your way. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun, Miss Elizabeth. Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is a jukebox.