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Wacked Out and Screw Loosey
38 Plays4 months ago
Those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer trundle on and if you want something better than lemonade to wash them down with then consider this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth present comedy and original music in a tidy podcast package that tempts one to ask "is it possible to be too entertaining?"
Whether we're listening to a classic SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD or getting a vintage, though still chillingly prescient ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE, you will have all the evidence you need to decide that you have found your new favorite podcast.
A couple of songs by THE SMILE SYNDICATE complete the sweet, sweet recipe so what are you waiting for? Get listening!
HELLO, SMILETON. Listening Is Just The Beginning.
Show Timestamps
7:23 Smileton Community Message Board (from November 20, 2023)
23:46 SONG – Boogie Got A Groove Loose
27:03 Accuscope Horoscope (from The Smile Syndicate Music Hour, August 12, 2021)
41:01 SONG – So Far, No Good
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Smileton Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, thank you. You introduced the show. Welcome. Yeah, that was a good idea.
00:00:22
Speaker
and Now we know what's going on. We got a show to do right here, right
Smileton Heatwave Discussion
00:00:25
Speaker
now. We got a show. I thought I'd introduce it. Comedy, music, coming at you. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. From the beautiful town of Smileton, which is currently involved and invested apparently in this heatwave. Yeah, which it's still hot. It's been weeks and weeks and that it's not letting up, but it's just reminding us. I guess we could just call it summer.
00:00:44
Speaker
Maybe so, Miss Elizabeth. It does get mind-chillingly cold here during the winter, so we should appreciate the heat while we've got it. yeah Dear listener friend, i hope you're i hope you're I hope you're comfortable wherever you are and you're ready for a turbo charge of entertainment. You're going to get some comedy and music thrown your way over the next hour or so. It's going to be fun. We're going to be dancing as hard as we can up on this stage. So a little polite applause once in a while wouldn't go amiss.
00:01:10
Speaker
Oh, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't asking for you. I was not asking for audience participation, Miss Elizabeth. You know my rules. The studio audience is to sit on their hands because anytime they try to participate, it goes south. They don't have this shows the best interest at heart. And I got to start putting my foot down again because they're getting way too comfortable up there. You're not going to do anything about it, are you?
00:01:33
Speaker
No, because they're happy. I'm happy. I'm glad that they're with us. And I'm suffering, so that's the way the world works. Well, that's some of the entertainment sometimes.
Jason's Death Metal Festival Anecdote
00:01:40
Speaker
So, dear listener friend, have you been listening to this show at all? Throughout the summer, you know we just weathered one hellacious storm last month at the Smilton Death Metal Festival. Are you still talking about the Death Metal? I'm not gonna go on about it today. I'm just just sitting a scene here because as part of those shows in July, I told a story or a brief anecdote about me getting hit by death metal ne'er-do-wells driving a golf cart. yes So that was that was not a pleasant experience. And that's my main takeaway from the death metal festivals. That's what you that's what you get. yeah So what happened again? I was inattentive briefly yeah and I stepped off the curb and these death metal creeps drove flying around town driving a golf carts. Did you actually get sort of hurled with the golf cart or did or did it just tap you in the shin? if miss elizabeth
00:02:28
Speaker
Does it matter? The um yeah physical impact? I'm telling you about the star the damage it did to my psychological state. okay psychological It was a bad scene. I'll just leave it at that. It ran into it hurt me, period, Miss Elizabeth. And you should care ah enough to just stop right there and say, I don't think golf carts should be hurting you, Jason. You're my podcast co-host. I owe you some degree of care and respect, surely. I'm on your team, Jason. Good, Miss Elizabeth. So because you're going to be proud of me for what
Golf Cart Misadventures
00:02:55
Speaker
I did. OK, let's hear. Getting back on the horse.
00:02:58
Speaker
There's way more worse or on the golf cart on the gun. You're anticipating my story miss Elizabeth. Okay There's a lot more room in Smoughton after those creeps and ne'er-do-wells went back home Most of them did anyway after the festival so I can get his room to breathe So I rented a golf cart and I'm not gonna get put off golf carts Just cuz I got hit by one Did you rent the golf cart just just to have a golf cart and ride it around some fun to get over the the negative association I have with golf carts Were you planning to ride it on a golf course or just like around town? Around town. Okay. So fun. That's weird. Enthusiasm. okay Building. I started stunting a little bit. Stunting in a golf cart? Yes, I got out of hand. Don't recommend that. And so I hit a mailbox. Accidentally, it was enough to like kind of take the the the golf cart out of commission. Did you psychologically injure the the email mailbox? No. Wow, you're all from mockery.
00:03:53
Speaker
but I do this show with an open heart and look what happens. I get stabbed in it. I hit a mailbox. Whoopsie. I was having too much fun. I own that. So the the the golf cart bursts into flames. Okay. And while I'm... Wait, they're electric. There was a small fire, Miss Elizabeth.
00:04:16
Speaker
So I'm like embarrassed. I'm trying to figure, can I get this thing back, like back on the road and get out of here before people notice, but apparently not because people were pretty quick to hop on the phone. So it was rather humiliating when the fire engine pulls up and it's got rescued, the handsome firefighter gate pulled out the handsome firefighters. Oh, was Jeremy there?
00:04:35
Speaker
i don't I don't know who they are, Miss Elizabeth. Did you get to meet David? ah yeah He's the newest handsome firefighter. isn't it I didn't tell... that Okay, you're not even listening to me anymore. You're looking all god dreamy-eyed. Well, you didn't tell me. I mean, I would have gone. I would have come out to see you. Plenty of people did. They were taking pictures. ok i I was just sitting there, sullen in the driver's seat. Fantastic. Okay, so that didn't improve your mood?
00:05:00
Speaker
No, I didn't. but so I was so sullen, Miss Elizabeth, I didn't even leave the golf cart, even though it was but they had a small fire on it. the The blaze was not sufficient to make me evacuate the vehicle. That sounds unsafe. And those things don't even have doors. So you could easily just like step out. I wasn't in the mood to do any of that, Miss Elizabeth. So I wish they hadn't. I wish whoever called them with your arms folded with a fire in the golf. Yes. And they put it out in two seconds and they got a big round of applause from the audience that gather you just put it out.
00:05:28
Speaker
like I was mis-listening. I was computating what to do. I was trying to chart a correct course of action. And people who weren't involved stuck their nose in. I didn't need to have some firefighters interfering. And that's what they did. And suddenly they get the glory and it wasn't even that big of fire. And when the fire was out, did you just put the key back in, start it and just drive it back? Yes. Okay.
00:05:50
Speaker
Can you leave me alone now? Yeah, you did well. I thought you'd be proud of that story. You're like, this is me taking life by the horns. And it went a bit south and I got interfered with, but I got back on the road and that's what it's all about. Dear listener friend, when you hit the ditch, get back on the road. That's what I'm telling you. Get back on the road, get back on the horse, get back on the golf
Reflecting on Podcast History
00:06:08
Speaker
cart. Or something that's even a little bit more fun, dare I say, is get back on the dune buggy. Yes, I was working my way up to Doon Buggy, Ms. Elizabeth. I have positive associations with Doon Buggy's. That didn't mean the remedial time. Golf carts did. Now I've got another weird episode to do my golf cart legacy. OK, well, good job. I once had a golf cart adventure and an actual golf course. Yeah. Well, what happened? We just rode around like kids, you know, on golf carts and ended up kind of slightly semi-flipping the golf cart a little bit. So you weren't actually playing golf. You were just
00:06:43
Speaker
No, we were kids on a golf course. You don't play golf. Oh boy. You just ride around. you just right around so Somebody paid the the the fees for you to go just drive a golf cart around. Didn't every hate you for that? I think the person I was with was actually supposedly like an employee, like a summer employee there. Oh boy. And so we ended up riding around and the golf cart got a little bit that sounds like you nobody found out though this is the first time i'm ever revealing this in public okay keep your trap shut dear listener friend this story's not for general consumption a sprinkler might have been slightly tapped and might have gone a little bit crooked after that
00:07:20
Speaker
It's confession hour here on Hello, Smileton. I confess that this show has a long history and we've done many episodes. Ms. Elizabeth, we've been doing this show for some time. We are on episode 96 in this show's journey. Are we? 96. Wow, I hope we can get to 100. We're getting there quick. Do you think we can? Yeah, probably. Okay. And the spiritual forebear of this show, the podcast based in Smileton that we did before this show, the Smile Syndicate Music Hour,
00:07:48
Speaker
yeah Stop. It's basically the same podcast. 307 episodes of that show. 307 plus 95. That's a lot. yeah Way too many. It's more than I can just count. Yeah, we're over 400. That's right. So there's a lot of good stuff back in those archives. so It behooves us to revisit some of those classic scenes classic stories, classic segments, and bring them back to light every so often. We're doing that now. So I i miss Elizabeth if I may be so bold. I picked a couple favorites for us to revisit again. okay If you don't mind, I'd like us to put some ears on a Smilthing Community message board. I'm surprised.
00:08:26
Speaker
Why? Because you don't usually want to give the people, the good people, a smile to a voice. Yeah, that's right. I normally don't. But I think this this one had some fun to it. OK, this segment goes Miss Elizabeth. I don't approve of the concept of the message board, but those segments go sideways so often that it makes it worth the ride. You ended up enjoying this one. okay So maybe we will too.
00:08:48
Speaker
I think we will. This comes to us from episode 59 of Hello Smilton, which originally aired November the 20th, 2023 in an episode called A Rocket Ride to Fun Zone USA. Awesome. Let's let's listen.
00:09:03
Speaker
ah Smilton Community Message Board. Messages from the
Community Messages and Complaints
00:09:08
Speaker
citizens from around our town. Miss Elizabeth has selected some of the most compelling. Mm-hmm. Why don't you kick this? Why don't you why don't you kick it off? Oh sure. Okay Seriously shooting down our rockets. Where did you even get that anti-missile system from since 1953 the Smilton amateur rocketing club or SARC has been filling Smilton skies with heaven-bound rockets I told you in the beginning Jason this is gonna have rockets in it, to the delight of all. Sure, there have been a few missteps, like us shooting down the airborne Smilton Supermax prison a while back, yeah or us taking out the power station back in 1979 when some of our rockets had a little too much pep and they were more like V2s rather than hobbyist rockets. Yeah, yeah, that was good. Hold town under a missile attack. They were strong. Wiped out the power station. Those were some spicy rockets, Jason. hu But for the most part, we've been shooting our rockets straight up. For the most part. For the most part, most people love it, but not everyone. Sure, people have thrown stones, shoes,
00:10:18
Speaker
and other projectiles at our glorious rockets, but never anything like this. Again, where did these people come from? Where did the anti-missile system come from? Leave us alone for Pete's sake from Anthony, mailbox 9039. Well, I can appreciate you don't like having people interfering with your hobby, but you don't really have a sterling track record there, Anthony. You kind of rain down hell from above every once in a while.
00:10:43
Speaker
Every once in a while. In the name of progress. i don't I think somebody in this town getting with it enough to have an anti-missile system, they're probably on the right track there. Just in case you have another one of your whoopsies and we don't spend the whole winter freezing in the dark because you blew up the power plant again. That's true, but the question is who is setting up this Iron Dome over Smilton? I don't know. Who knows? If ah if I stopped to ask who or why or how come over every occurrence in Smilton, I wouldn't have time to think. Alright, well hopefully we'll figure it out. Wasn't me. I didn't paint the grain elevator to look like a human male body part. Oh boy. It's a clever forgery. Stop accusing me. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but this is causing me a headache. People keep calling the studio saying, what's with you, Eddie Airbrush? What's with the towering human male body part painting? Who was looking for that? Not us.
00:11:38
Speaker
I'm with you, friends. I don't see the need for that either. It's a very clever forgery to be sure, but let me be clear. The artist responsible is not me. Now, if the dollars were to be in place, I would gladly take a commission to replace that painting with something a little more in keeping with the spirit of Smilton, perhaps an armor bikini-clad warrior chick flying her war unicorn through outer space or something.
00:12:00
Speaker
Show me the cash, and I'll get to work. Eddie Airbrush mailbox 9805. Oh, that's a great idea from Eddie Airbrush. I feel like we should start one of those GoFundMe campaigns. Nah, I'm i am actually okay with the way the green elevator works. What? You don't mind? that Because you know the weird thing about the- It's- Oh, Miss Elizabeth, you don't laugh every time you see that. Because the background is very often of the of the male human body part is like exactly the color of of the sky. Right.
00:12:26
Speaker
So it just looks like an enormous, like you can almost, yeah dismiss eyes it disguises the fact that it is. Yes, exactly. I go out and I cast my eye over in the general direction of the grain elevators and I see that and I just, a tear comes down my eye and I just gently chuckle and I think, what a world we're living in. It makes us an R-rated town. This is the kind of town I want to, Miss Elizabeth, there's nothing wrong with a human body. And even an overpoweringly towering representation of one part of it. It's over. It's definitely overpowering. It's it's too much. It's great. Admit it. OK, well, all right. All apologies, Smileton, from these Smileton downs. Unfortunately, a poorly thought out promotional event led to a large portion of our audience being stung by bees last
Smileton Downs Event Mishap
00:13:13
Speaker
weekend. Oh, yeah.
00:13:15
Speaker
Were you there for this? No, I skipped that event, Miss Elizabeth. I don't need to be stung by anything when I go out socializing. You were sick, after all. While we pride ourselves on pitting every animal you can think of against each other in a race scenario, we are now forced to concede that involving insects in retrospect does not make much sense. Yeah, that's a bit of overreach. Scale alone, Jason. It does it doesn't work. Silly.
00:13:42
Speaker
People come to the smiles and downs to place their bets on who's faster, the garter snake or the squirrel, the mule or the jackass, the horse or the dude dressed up like a horse. They don't come to be swarmed on and stung by angered insects. The rumor that these were killer bees is untrue and an unnecessary enhancement of an already insane situation. yeah No more bees, that's the Smiles and Downs promise. We'll keep the racing down on the track and not throughout the concourse as people scramble to find cover from an insect onslaught from Agnes mailbox 4509.
00:14:22
Speaker
I wonder what's go who's running the show down there because this isn't the first time that yeah that racing track has had issues with their promotions. yeah Miss Elizabeth, it must be tough to get young people to go ah go down there on a Saturday night to place their bets with animals racing each other, even though on paper it sounds like probably the coolest way to spend any time possible. But yeah there's a lot of competition. You could watch this stuff on in the online for free. yeah But enough smiled and downs. you go to like When you have an idea, kind of run it through in your head, how it would play out if you implemented it in real life. That's a tip from me to you. Some mistakes, Jason, are difficult to back out, though, because once you've released bees into the area, there's a strong chance they might find a place to nest yeah and they might have be creating ah like a honey hive. So you might not be able to promise no bees. Yeah, she didn't say anything about recovering the bees or getting them back in their hives or anything like that. they're probably They're probably freewheeling around town as we speak. You can't recover those bees, Jason.
00:15:22
Speaker
Hey, I do handyman work around Smilton and I have a request.
Grover's Cleanliness Critique
00:15:25
Speaker
Clean your house up before I come over? Jesus, some of you people. I'd ask if you were raised in a barn, but barns are cleaner than some of the hovels I've been to. I have to tell you, the houses I work on in Gowers Gulch are much nicer and cleaner. Wake up, Smilton, we don't live in caves anymore. Grover, mailbox 8808. Ah, cram it, Grover. I don't even believe he's from Smilton. I think this is a Gowers Gulch troll.
00:15:50
Speaker
You know, that sounds correct, because his name is Grover, which is unlikely. That's unlikely. I don't know why you say it's unlikely. Ms. Elizabeth, I told you I went to spend the advertising money at this mountain mall food court. And when I'm high rolling like that and I got a bankroll, 50 bucks in the food court, I'm cock of the walk. So I'm chatting up everybody. Hey, how you doing? Three different guys I met named Grover. Really? Not one word of that a lie.
00:16:16
Speaker
okay all right well there's a lot of grovers there's a lot of grovers in the tri-town area i don't think i think just the the fact that this guy sounds like a nitwit and jealous of our town just pins pins him to be us gowers gulch ne'er do well he was just purely insulting and i don't see the point in it yeah well um yeah and good choice picking that message miss elizabeth you got my dander all up yelling about our neighbor town gowers gulch Yeah, that one snuck in there. Sorry about that. X it out? O it up? This is Tina from the Tic Tac Toe Club, Smileton's most fun gaming community. Are you tired of complicated board games that are hard to learn, expensive, and make no sense? Bored of video games that give you a headache and nothing else? Then sign up with us. All we do is get together and we play Tic Tac Toe. I can hear you now, Jason. Tic Tac Toe? Isn't that a boring kids game? Exactly. You couldn't be more wrong. it's almost like just add talk yeah you There is beauty in simplicity and science has proven that tic-tac-toe players are more socially well-adjusted, happier and virile.
00:17:23
Speaker
What? I know this one is taking a turn. This is weird. Come on down this Saturday afternoon to the Smileton Rec Center. We'll be the ones smiling and laughing and playing tic-tac-toe. That's the Smileton Tic-Tac-Toe Club. Join us today and remember friends, clothing is optional from Tina
Smileton Tic Tac Toe Club Promotion
00:17:42
Speaker
mailbox 11549. There's a sting in the tail ending worthy of O. Henry. Yeah, so I have a feeling. Ridiculous. There's some kind of weird thing going on with this club. Naked tic-tac-toe? Yeah. I don't think so. Tic-tac-toe is a cover story, I think. Yeah, not ah not on my watch, Tina. I think it's a swing club. Yeah, i Miss Lisbon.
00:18:01
Speaker
I'm just saying. You don't have to, d you don't have to hit the nose with a sledgehammer. We know what's going on here. There's a, there's a seamy underbelly in this town. Seamy underbelly. And where are the cops with their tasers now with stuff like this going on? They might be playing tic-tac-toe Jason. Oh brother. Well, yeah, I'm a a nut house. This is another Twilight Zone episode for yours truly.
00:18:22
Speaker
Yo, yo, bop, bop, did you check out the skizzy? Little bit of beer, beer, and boom, crackle, pop, LOL, lighten it up, Prank Squad X style. Pause, pause, what in the heck is happening? I chose this one because what in the heck is happening?
00:18:37
Speaker
I'm going to read very deeply in between the lines, i'm i i a little bit of beer, beer, and boom, boom, so something happened that Prank Squad X is happy about. okay I think we can determine that much. Are there explosions involved? Lighten it up, Prank Squad X style. Okay. Squares be goggle-eyed at the site. K-Dawg all, you crazies do this and we we be all, yup, three times on the sup.
00:19:02
Speaker
Mr. Henderson's grade five class. Okay. For life. Later Broski, Skyler mailbox 100 10099. Okay, let's analyze this. Squares be goggle eyed. Okay, so we're the squares. Yeah, so something happened that people can't believe that prank squad X did it. Our eyes are wide like goggles.
00:19:20
Speaker
Yes. K-Dawg. Who's K-Dawg? I have no clue about K-Dawg. K-Dawg acting useless. Something amazing happened. And maybe all... Okay, Crank Squad X is claiming responsibility for something here. Hang on, hang on. What is yep three times on the SUP?
00:19:38
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, okay sometimes when you're analyzing texts like these, you got to think, he just said that because it rhymed. Skyler, you got to hit the books. You got to go back to English class. We don't understand what you're saying. I understand perfectly what he's saying. prank He's bragging ah about a Prank Squad X prank. okay Something so amazing that the squares are googling. So the only thing I can think is beer, beer, boom, boom, crackle, pop. be or Beer, beer, like a laser beam or something. Shooting, Miss Elizabeth.
00:20:08
Speaker
Could he be shooting down? Is he the Iron Dome? He shot there. There we go. The piece was falling to place and the puzzle presents itself looking exactly like the box. Okay, Jason. Then he acquired an anti-missile system and tested it on the Smileton Amateur Rocketing Club. And that's pretty heavily reading between the lines. That is awesome. Prank Squad X, kudos. We're asking you. I was looking at the skizzy myself and I was goggle eyed. I admit I was a square when I saw Prank Squad X raining it down. Okay, this is only a theory we are asking you. Skyler, is this what you meant? Because we have other vocabulary to help you figure out how to express yourself. I think Skyler was pretty clear, Miss Elizabeth. I think he was not clear at all. He's the only one that we've ever had to read like line by line. I know what he's talking about. And once it's all the more satisfying for having worked it out ourselves. Skyler, keep going. That's an amazing prank. Shoot down something else. I think this message board entry was a prank on its own. Every which way. Prank Squad X pranks you. And stop saying negative stuff about them. We don't need them coming down on us. I do not fear Skyler.
00:21:17
Speaker
yeah Skylar, she's kidding. Don't listen to Miss Elizabeth. You know that. Come at me, Skylar. Oh, brother. It's fine. Yeah, okay. Well, I'm going to be doing, I'm going to participate in next week's show from a remote location. Nowhere near you, Miss Elizabeth.
00:21:32
Speaker
but I can't I can't miss this but you do you you know they did they they did this anti-missile prank and they and they were messing around with GP told us the theory they told us they were messing around with the GPS system earlier yes like yeah these kids ah their their skills at pranking no no bounds and you want to tempt fate by calling them out Their skills at linguistics are needing work. Why don't you take this impulse to invite trouble and go to a bachelorette party and hector cops into taking their clothes off? I think that's a little less destructive than daring the most diabolically clever pranksters in the history of this town to come at you. What a crazy thing to do. Those both seem evenly fun to me, just both equally fun. You couldn't be more wrong. Dear listener friend, that's the Smilton Community Message Board.
00:22:21
Speaker
I'm all I'm all worked up now. Yeah, i um I enjoyed some of those messages and some of them terrified me fun times Once again here on hellos mountain Funzone USA. That's right. Good to revisit that segment again. And it's good to it's good to see that some things never change. People's Smiltern is just as whacked out and screw Lucy as they ever were. Yeah, everybody's got their own story and they're just living their own dream here in Smiltern. And if you if you lived here, you'd be home by now. That's right. yeah you ah Dear listener friend, don't pretend like you wouldn't fit right in. Smiltern, if you lived here, you'd be home by now.
00:23:00
Speaker
Sam the soundboard guy. Yeah. He drops drops in occasionally. I wondered what was so peaceful about the show and why I was having such such a good time doing it because we hadn't heard from that near well. Jason. Silence yourself. I'm not getting an argument in an argument with sound clips, Ms. Elizabeth. Okay. I don't know why you say sound clips. I mean, Sam is here with us. Okay. Man, okay, Miss Elizabeth, okay. Okay. We're gonna turn on the Smilton radio right now. Here we go, we gotta play a song. And it's time to get funky. Let's stop dancing around the point. Okay. Let's listen. Can I announce the song first? Okay, announce the song. Boogie, gotta groove loose. Let's listen. Play that funky music. yeah's Let's go.
00:24:13
Speaker
Dance away this fever, warm and short
00:24:21
Speaker
Town's gone funky and the things are burning high I'll party in the caboose Love train chugging in the boogie beats of fire Booty gotta groove loose Town's gone funky and the things are burning high I'll party in the caboose Love train chugging in the boogie beats of fire
00:25:01
Speaker
In the
00:25:37
Speaker
Brothers and sisters, I'm telling you now it's a gift from the storm.
00:25:46
Speaker
The blue geese shall never go around every mountain from here and apart. Can you see people's rights? Power will raise you and get set in sight. Let it take hold of you and chance you into that glorious light.
00:26:24
Speaker
Oh
00:26:52
Speaker
Boogie got a groove loose by the smile syndicate right here on Hellos Mountain. Boogie does got a groove loose. What did I just say? I know. i What did the song just tell you, Ms. Elizabeth? You know what? These kinds of comments, these quips, the attitude you've been bringing to the show lately makes me think you need a bit of a course correction.
00:27:11
Speaker
A bit of adjustment to some of the life choices you're making. And it's a good thing. This show presents a segment that is aimed to do that with uncanny ah prognosticating to help you set you on the right track before the track even presents itself. I also feel like I need something for August, but I'm happy to look back. Doesn't matter. if we OK, what we're talking about, dear listener friend, is presenting a classic edition of the Accuscope Horoscope.
00:27:37
Speaker
the You've never heard a more accurate horoscope, and it doesn't matter that this one is from last year. that Its advice is as timely and as relevant as ever. So but listen for the call when your sign comes up and do what the horoscope tells you. This originally aired as part of episode 50 of Hellos Mountain, which came to the airwaves September 18th, 2023, and if that episode was called, I Can Almost Forsee Us Continuing to Do a Show Together. And we did. Yeah, indeed.
00:28:05
Speaker
the month ahead is going to be full of twisting paths lots of decision points lots of thorny problems to be sorted out you're going to need a guide yeah life is tough jason so you might as well use my inner mind that source of eerily accurate prognostications that we collect together into the akyoscope horoscope i hear music peer now into the depths of my inner mind and wait for your turn to hear that nugget of wisdom that's going to apply to you and your Alright.
Horoscope Humorous Advice
00:28:38
Speaker
Hey, you're a Leo.
00:28:40
Speaker
i am indeed miss elizabeth and it's not because leos are the best i'm starting with leo it's just the appropriate time a year to kick it off with a leo prognostication you're a leo if you're born between july twenty third and august twenty second Heads up, that cruise you're going on in a couple weeks will feature the worst ventriloquist act you've ever seen as part of the entertainment. If I were you, I'd get my money back and fly. Instead, they haven't let ventriloquist dummies on planes for decades. Wow, okay I didn't know that. First of all, and secondly, I didn't know we were going on a cruise.
00:29:11
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth. Are we going on a cruise? Is it just like a Smilton River cruise? Miss Elizabeth, not everything I do socially has to do with you dragging you and the rest of the Smile Syndicate music hour in turns along with us. I have a life apart from this show, but believe it or not. I was planning a fun cruise. I was just going to go solo. and And now I'm hearing there's a ventriloquist dummy on that boat. No sail. okay i'm fine I might even just stay home. The idea is so off putting. Okay.
00:29:38
Speaker
Virgo. You're a Virgo if you were born between August 23rd and September 22nd? So you thought that doing a night at the museum for real would be fun, huh? Yeah, I sure did. Well, you'll pick a fine time to sneak into a museum with a sleeping bag and a flashlight this month, my friend.
00:29:54
Speaker
Colossus Diamand, the world's largest diamond, is also in that museum and it will be stolen the very night you sneak in there for your harmless prank. You will be arrested and spend the next 17 years in prison. Next time, pick a different movie to emulate.
00:30:10
Speaker
OK, well, it's Elizabeth Wise words. Yeah. Yeah. Are you not taking those deadly serious? Yeah, because I'm realizing that might have an impact on the show if you get sent to the slammer for 17 years because you are a Virgo after all. I am a Virgo. And so what I'll do is I will organize with the museum because I have no problem talking to people. So I will just organize with them. And that way they will know for sure that the diamond is safe. Well, also, like is there a diamond in every single museum that all the Virgos are going to be staying overnight at? what What did I say, Miss Elizabeth? What did the inner mind tell you? I would suggest that that is the truth. Okay. Plus, maybe it's metaphorical. you are You are clever. I'll give you that, Miss Elizabeth, because you're kind of skirting around the whole doing the night at the museum thing. If you're getting permission ahead of time, you're not sneaking in, you're not doing the movie.
00:30:56
Speaker
you you avoided fate for one more month well it know but in the movie that he snuck in i think that he was the cut the knight custodian i don't know i've never seen it libra ah september 23rd to october 22nd your homemade saddles are terrible i tried one on one of my old trusty mares and i fell off immediately and nearly hit my head and i'm giving you a bad review on etsy because that's what happens with shoddy workmanship Okay, so you shouldn't be buying your saddle off of Etsy, number one. Now you tell me. And number two, I think that, you know, this person needs to just keep trying making saddles because you only get better with practice. No, don't don' you practice on someone else's skull, Libra Scorpio, October 23rd to November 21st.
00:31:38
Speaker
A night at a singles bar will go badly for you this month. A fit of the giggles, born of nervousness, will hit you just as you enter the bar and won't leave no matter how hard you try to stop. People around you will rapidly lose their patience. Someone there is training to become a paramedic so they slip something into your drink to get you to calm down. They'll give you too much and you'll pass out. Other singles night attendees will drag you into the cloak room and leave you under a pile of coats. Wow. Well, it sounds like it all's well that ends well yeah in that one. Yeah, it sounds kind of fun, actually. Yeah. That might be a comfortable sleep. That person laughed until they fell asleep and then they yeah they were in a safe place. So chin up, Scorpio. It's going to be a fun month. It's going to be okay. Sagittarius. You're a Sagittarius. If you were born in that special zone November 22nd to December 21st,
00:32:25
Speaker
Your evolving cosplay vampire costume has cost you something north of 23 grand. Dracula himself couldn't afford such a nice outfit. Find a cheaper hobby.
00:32:36
Speaker
oh okay so you disapprove of that because i was gonna say wow i'd love to see that out there 23 grand yeah how often do you get to wear a cosplay vampire costume this person probably every day you better be if you're spending 23 grand on it yeah crime any capricorn you're a capricorn if you were born between december 22nd january 19th A childhood dream of becoming a Chuck Wagon Racing Champion will come true this month. wow Your elation will be short-lived once it is revealed that one of your horses was doping. And now you know Chuck Wagon Racing is about much more than driving a Chuck Wagon fast.
00:33:14
Speaker
Wow. You got to cover a lot of angles and that's making sure your horses stay on the straight and narrow. They don't get into that dope and stuff. They don't cheat. It's competitive, that chuck wagon racing. Yeah, I would say like maybe don't do it as a contest, you know, just do it for fun. And that way your horse isn't going to endanger him or herself. Exactly backwards, Miss Elizabeth. You got to go in there with both eyes open and realize what a cutthroat game it is. Aquarius, January 20th to February 18th. I bought into you being a pet psychologist until I saw you trying to hypnotize a cat. We can still be friends as long as you admit you're a complete sham of a quack and no one should ever waste money taking their pets to you. Oh, so the problem with trying to hypnotize a cat is that the cat hypnotizes you. That's the problem. Is that the problem? Yes. Really? Yes.
00:33:59
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth? Have you ever tried to hypnotize a cat? I haven't because I got better things to do with my time than engage in such silly behavior. Okay, I mean, you're right. You have better things to do with your time because you will just, you will lose hours. Like you will just lose hours because that cat has hypnotized you. Aquarius enough? And then you'll wake up and you won't know what happened or what you've done or how much food that cat has gotten out of you. Miss Elizabeth, it's what we really have to focus on is getting Aquarius to pursue a different line of work because cat hypnotism is a dead end street. Pisces, February 19th to March 20th, sign of the fish man. You're going to be thrown off your pit crew for screwing up a pit stop one too many times. Sure, the driver is an arrogant jackass, but that's no reason you can't switch out a rear driver side tire and like no time flat. You literally have one job and there's no way it should take you 12 seconds to do it.
00:34:48
Speaker
Wow, okay. Well, 12 seconds to change a tire, though. That's a pretty useful life skill. So good for you. No, not good for you. 12 seconds is pathetic. Pisces. You've seen Pisces strutting around town with that pit crew uniform on, like they're pretending to be some kind of fancy race car driver. Your pit crew member, you can't even do your job properly. Pisces, knock it off. On the other hand, when i take seconds when I take my car to the shop to get the car's tires changed out, it takes half a day. Yeah. but oh yeah is this Are you saying that's more Pisces speed? i'm so No, I'm saying Pisces can go faster than that. Pisces hit the want ads just like Aquarius needs to do. Ares, March 21st, April 19th. Jupiter is in ascension this month and its long shadow will shroud the moon in darkness, which is bad news for your love life. I suggest staying in with the shades drawn and just waiting until Jupiter descends
00:35:41
Speaker
But you got Saturn coming right in behind and when it's an ascension Mercury is gonna crash into the Sun which can't be good for anybody Wow, I don't believe that's going to happen Believe what you want miss Elizabeth your wishes and wins don't control the stars above Taurus April 20th to May 20th the next time you're at a high school baseball game during the fifth inning go under the bleachers and start digging keep digging you'll find a treasure i promise just keep digging and when you're ready to give up and the sun's going down keep digging dig all night and in the morning keep going around lunchtime keep digging then recognized ha you've been pranked and this is punishment for you not listening to me last month torus
00:36:26
Speaker
Okay, so if you made it through this whole episode, then you can just not dig. No, Taurus, Miss Elizabeth, don't expose flaws in my plans. Taurus, just listen to the first part of that and just keep digging, and then you can listen to the rest after I laugh at you because the inner mind has tricked you because you didn't listen last month. This is kind of mean, though, because it sounds like the inner mind should have maybe had some better advice because this one's a prank piece of advice. It's not advice at all. Taurus didn't listen, and now they're getting pranked royal. Okay. Gemini, May 21st, June 20th, your grandfather, the noted Egyptologist, will warn you not to go near that amulet, but since you're a Gemini, will you listen? You'll grab that thing, make a wish, and the riches of the world become yours. Until one evening, at the end of next month, that is. After hosting an expensive party, you'll go up into your huge master bedroom and you'll look in the mirror and you'll shudder as you don't even recognize the person staring back at you. Too bad that amulet didn't help you pick a better plastic surgeon.
00:37:26
Speaker
Wow well Gemini made a mess they got some money they decided they needed a little work and unfortunately they got a hack to do it okay so what what about the amulet made him rich okay case closed
00:37:43
Speaker
June 21st to July 22nd in, a fit of enthusiasm you'll enter a cross country road race. You'll spend weeks flying through scenic vistas, quaint towns and vast deserts. You'll never find the finish line because you were so quick to start racing you forgot to make sure you knew which country to race across and you'll choose incorrectly. Oops. Well that's a funny mistake to make. Well now that you know about it you can double check before getting started. Or just turn it into like a really hectic holiday.
00:38:12
Speaker
horpdo The most ancient sign of them all. We were all hortos once, Miss Elizabeth, before the great sundering. When we all split into the 12 other signs, that's the tale of the world's woe, which I keep telling you. I sometimes feel like a horto. You can't. Miss Elizabeth, don't be a poser. Don't be a horto poser.
00:38:32
Speaker
the only way to know that you're a horto is you have to overlay a bunch of calendars from around the world at a certain time of year and let the moonlight shine through some kind of hole that appears in the... I don't know. It's confusing. I'm not a horto. I don't really get it and I don't pretend to.
00:38:48
Speaker
That whole I never travel anywhere except as a stowaway thing is played out It was cute when you stowed away on a cruise ship or on that helicopter or in that submarine But breaking into cars at the movie theater so you can hide in the trunk as the car drives off is stretching the idea past its breaking point Just let it go and if you're trying to sneak into my hatchback, I'll be ready for a little surprise What's the surprise?
00:39:12
Speaker
Wha- I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer, Miss Elizabeth. If the Horpto things are gonna sneak into my hatchback, guess again. You're welcome to do it, but don't blame me when that surprise bites ya. Alright, sounds like maybe- maybe something that can bite, then.
00:39:26
Speaker
Metaphorically, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. Act your scope, horoscope. well wow Truth nuggets. Baker's dozen of truth nuggets, Miss Elizabeth. Delivered, steaming hot out of the inner mind. Thank you. We now know how to guide our lives. Each of us listening, you, Miss Elizabeth, me, myself, and you, dear listener, friend. Old stuff by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile Syndicate.
00:39:48
Speaker
Well, I mean, I have to say canny there's a lot of good, good stuff there. Lots of good advice. yeah and And it behooves you as always. Exactly. It's not just ah an instruction manual. It's meant to make you think yeah and to make you make better choices so that the next time the Accuscope Horoscope gets done, it's a little less ah instructive, a little more celebratory. it yeah it's It's going to give you some credit if you start doing the right things. And just highly revealing about the character of Jason. I don't know how you figure that. It's my subconscious mind. That's right. Yeah. But what does that got to do with me, Miss Elizabeth? That's down in the depths of the id. I think we learn a lot about Jason from these. That is not the intent of the Accuscope Horoscope. Miss Elizabeth, stop looking for clues about me. Focus on your own problems. OK.
00:40:38
Speaker
Marquis song slot, the most coveted spot in all the
Marquis Song Slot Introduction
00:40:41
Speaker
podcasting. It's here to just like, where we we we tore off some rock in the last episode, Miss Elizabeth. We tore the can open and rock burst forth and we're going to do that and why again. Okay. Like one of those elastic little, like a snake, little snake, a punk snake is going to come ripping out of here and we're going to listen to a song called So Far, No Good. Let's go.
00:41:23
Speaker
All I was doing
00:42:31
Speaker
You know whilst your muck is crashed
00:43:14
Speaker
So far, no good by this milestone. We get right there on Hellos Mountain. Yeah. Seething is always missing. Energizing, and it does give you the self-confidence to get on with your day. It does. That's the whole point of this show, dear listener friend. I hope you feel energized. I hope the batteries have been recharged. I know mine have. I know I'm raring to come back to you next week with an episode ah they that you scarcely will believe of Hellos Mountain.
00:43:39
Speaker
Sounds good. It's going to be a blockbuster that's coming at you this Monday. So stay tuned. In the meantime, this one is done, but it's been fun after all, Miss Elizabeth. So why don't you take us out? That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here. So let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton. So spread the word and make a difference in their lives. So it's bye bye from Jason. Bye bye. And bye bye from me, see you next week, and as always, remember friends, the sun is a cute box.