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Careening Around, Singing Foul Songs Through A Moonroof
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Listen now to the most exciting podcast episode in the history of the medium. And after you've done that, check this out, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON haw haw!
Jason and Miss Elizabeth bring the goods and by goods we can only mean comedy and original music straight from Smileton – podcasting capital of the world.
In today's episode, get a guide to the latest and greatest hotspots around town in the appropriately titled AROUND TOWN. Plan your Smileton social calendar with CONFIDENCE.
And while you're at it, why not plan the month ahead with the most astoundingly accurate horoscope known to man or beast? ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE will steer you right.
Turn up your device when songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE come blasting through. Dance like everybody's watching because they are.
HELLO, SMILETON. Listening Is Just The Beginning.
Show Timestamps:
3:12 Around Town
15:05 Song Request
19:15 SONG – Goldfinger
25:29 Accuscope Horoscope
41:36 SONG – World War IX
Transcript
00:00:04
Speaker
Hello. Smile soon. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, the energy is astounding.
00:00:20
Speaker
it's big good work big summer energy sometimes when when you kick the show off your heart maybe's not in it so much mine yeah but this one you nailed oh my goodness well thank you on and also i feel like that's only like a semi compliment OK, well, maybe it may be me. It might just be me misperceiving things. Got to criticized for, like, all of my past intros. That was a terrific introduction of the show. Dear Listener Friend, I'm sure you'll agree with me that this show is... Kids in the Diaphragm. I know. I was going to say, Dear Listener Friends agrees with us, surely, that today's show is off to a flying start. It is, yeah.
00:00:57
Speaker
We're going to be laughing and s singing in and just enjoying life together, dear listener friends. So kick on back. We've got a lot of fun stuff to bring you. Yeah. And ah you you should see ah how many smiles we get as we strut around, smile and proud as peacocks. People are no knew that know this show is on a roll. And that's why I'm always feeling positive about coming into Smile Syndicate HQ. And then I turn and I look at the people The rabble who have joined us is part of the studio, ladies and gentlemen. ah yeah They're enjoying themselves? Yeah, I know a little too much. it's We're in August, we're in late August, but it is still summer. And everyone in the studio audience decided to show up wearing goggles and swim fins and those little but inflatable arm things, to yeah yeah water wings. Yeah.
00:01:49
Speaker
and So, they're coordinating. They and they think it's... ah they think They're coordinating and they have an after-podcast activity plan. Oh, really? Yeah. Going for a little swim. I'm going too. Oh, isn't that fun? Well... You're gonna be stuck in the studio editing. Yeah, as always. yeah And what I love is that this has nothing to do with our show. This is, let's get through the nasty business of sitting through this stupid show and then let's go have fun in the lake or the river.
00:02:14
Speaker
And you do the editing, which I sincerely appreciate. And while we're at it, may I say thank you so much for also doing all of the editing on many of my other shows that you aren't even a part of. I sincerely appreciate that. The effort is big. It is, Miss Elizabeth. You're welcome. And a little bit.
00:02:35
Speaker
A little bit of recognition goes a little ways to make things a little bit better. But the one thing I'm preoccupied with, and you'll forgive me for this Miss Elizabeth, is if those people in the studio audience want to enjoy the water so much, maybe I should just turn the fire hose loose on them right here and blast them out of here like so much garbage. I think they might enjoy it right now because they have goggles on and everything to protect themselves. Just imagine the panicked eyes behind those goggles. I think they'll be fine. 3,000 PSI hits them. I said let's do it. Don't tempt me, Ms. Elizabeth. We've got content to deliver here. Dear listener friend, you're going to get some orientation.
00:03:15
Speaker
Yeah, I've got some ideas. Right now, get some ideas because Smilton is a bustling town. It's not just nitwits with water wings hanging out in the river. There are many other things going on and we got to give you a guide because we don't need you being paralyzed by choice. That's why we gather up some of our best suggestions and present them in this.
00:03:33
Speaker
around town. This Saturday, join me at the s Smileton Mall where the good people at Connie's Kettle and I will be celebrating tea with the first annual You're Such a Teas Tea Festival. Get it?
00:03:49
Speaker
i yeah yeah get it just Are you are you a creatively misspelling teas or you're leaving the E off or something? Exactly. So that it's like a pun that doesn't make sense. Like teas plural. Yes. You're such a tease tea festival. We're going to have balloon animals for the kids, lots of tea to sample, music, prizes, and a special tea dunk tank featuring members of the Smile to Enhance and Firefighters Brigade. Well, you know, normally I would I i would squawk ah about the handsome firefighters being involved in anything apart from fighting fires. But if you're telling me you're going to be dunking them in scalding hot tea. Well, I won't be scalding hot. Oh, then you've lost my interest. It's like, you know, you can have iced tea as well. Where's the fun in that? If you're like me, drinking tea isn't enough. You got to get out there and celebrate the tea.
00:04:44
Speaker
tea Tea is enough, though. Surely drinking it is sufficient. We need to celebrate the tea, Jason. So join us and do just that. Saturday, Smileton Mall tea time. And as a special bonus bird, the tea-loving parrot will be there to take photos. Oh, boy. you is this is like a Why don't you just hang a sign outside the festival that says, no Jason's allowed? Well, highlighting that bird, all he has is foul curse words for me.
00:05:10
Speaker
Well, I think maybe if you guys would make up, maybe I need to set something up, maybe a tea party between you guys where you can have a meeting and really patch things up. We tried that. Did you know that Bird has really gotten into photography? So if you want a nice picture or even a professional headshot, Bird is your bird. Oh, really? Yes. Get there early. Was there like a remote control on the camera? And someone else takes the picture and Bird just sits there on a perch swearing at the photographic subject? He's got a little trigger that looks just like an actual camera. So he sets up the proper camera and then he goes around with his little trigger camera. Well this I gotta see. Well then you should come. Maybe I'll just plan some heinously profane foul language to throw back at that bird if he starts swearing at me. Well, that sounds funny. Why don't you- I can curse with the best of them, Miss Elizabeth. I know you can. You can certainly curse with Bird, and you know what gets him going is cursing, obviously. Yeah. So if you curse at him, he's going to curse right back. Well, yeah, I fight fire with fire. Fights fire with fire. Get there early, Jason. It's going to be fire emoji. Oh, boy. Well.
00:06:20
Speaker
I, you know, I drink tea. I don't see the need to make a big song and dance of it. Would you like some tea after this podcast? Yes. Okay. Go into the Smile Syndicate HQ kitchen and boil water. I prefer to have tea with hot water. Okay, I will give you some hot tea. None of this iced tea jazz. Alright, you don't like it iced?
00:06:40
Speaker
i do I do sometimes, but right now I'm going to need tea. mike Surely my throat will be in no state for anything yeah except hot tea at the end of this show. I know, you're starting to aggravate things already. Yes, I gotta calm down with a little bit of good news. ah The Ruby Room is having its grand reopening after this place after it burned down last year. Yes, I know, Miss Elizabeth. we were We both had some consternation about what was going on at that club. The Club for Smilton's Elite.
00:07:07
Speaker
The Smoutons elite who were a little bit, I don't know, dare I say, pervy? Not pervy, Miss Elizabeth. People, admittedly, were a little put off because the Ruby Room was using human beings as furniture. Yeah, I think that's a little bit on the side. Yes, but they' that the elite aren't like you and me, Miss Elizabeth. They have a... Excuse me, I can be elite, just like the anybody else. So can you. The whole town can be elite. Anybody can be elite if they want to. That makes no sense. They don't have to behave like they do in the Ruby Room. You don't understand what they're up to with the human furniture. no yeah Neither do I, but I don't claim or profess to be part of that elite, Ms. Elizabeth.
00:07:45
Speaker
So I know a couple of people who actually were ah ah furniture there. i know I knew a coffee table, yeah one more and i knew and i know how I know half an ottoman. yeah Okay, and because they had to go together to be an ottoman. That's sad. Well, yeah, but they ah they said it actually pays pretty well.
00:08:02
Speaker
Okay. So, you know, it kind of made the news that this human furniture stuff was going on because a brawl broke out and the cops had to be called. Yeah. And yeah, so then word got out about this funny business. What happened because the furniture was fighting each other or the furniture was fighting? Yeah, the furniture, I don't know, like, you know, they're people and there was an issue and some furniture got in a brawl with each other. Yeah.
00:08:19
Speaker
And then they calm things down and they gruffly reassume their positions as coffee tables and end tables. It's just humiliating. So if the word got out, next thing you know, the Ruby Room burns down. So an unsolved mystery there. But the good news is it's back open and Smileton Elite learns from their mistakes, Miss Elizabeth. It's a new Ruby Room. So they're not going to employ Smiletonians as furniture anymore. OK. They're gonna be sitting and resting their cognacs on people from Gower's Gulch and Pickle Hills instead. Okay. From now on, not one smoth of foghorn. We know people from Gower's Gulch and Pickle Hills. They're people too. They don't deserve to be... You know what? They could use this leg up. Okay, number one. Oh my goodness. You just said leg up. Unbelievable. It's a way to climb the career ladder, Miss Liz, but there's not as many opportunities in Pickle Hills and Gower's Gulch is here. Human ladder. Yeah.
00:09:15
Speaker
Well, what's wrong with that? Yeah, don yeah yeah yeah you the Smilton elite of being arrogant, but you're looking down on an honest job here. Two sides here, okay. Gower's Gulch and Pickle Hills, people do not deserve to be treated like furniture. But on the other side, Smilton people don't deserve to be prevented from being so furniture if that is their preferred commit choice. Oh boy, you're just, you want to be you want to be outraged from every angle. Yeah, from both angles. How dare they use people and how come they're not using us? That's right. Okay. Well, fair enough. why Do you have another? does So i do so but is still the whole business around the Ruby Room is check it out. It's reopened. See, I'm not saying they're going to let you in, but you can try. Okay. Well, next month, the Smilton Home and Lifestyle Expo will be invading the Smilton Conference Center.
00:10:07
Speaker
Yeah. My colleagues at the Must Have Mustard podcast and I will have a booth and we will be selling all kinds of exotic mustards. Free samples. Also, my colleagues from Up Up and Away, the Hot Air Ballooning podcast, will be giving free hot air balloon rides in the parking lot. You know, Miss Elizabeth, can I just confess something? Oh, it's confession time. Okay. That sounds actually pretty normal.
00:10:33
Speaker
Yeah it sounds good doesn't it? It sounds like you're just trying to offer a good time and yet it irritates me anyway. Oh boy. Yeah I'm just gonna be honest like I want to crinkle my nose at it but when you when I look at the actual facts it's not objectionable on its face and yet I must object.
00:10:51
Speaker
It's literally just a conference. It's an expo. It's a lifestyle expo with a conference center. I know you're just supposed to have different lifestyle options and then have fun. That's what we have. Yeah. Yeah, it's off-putting. For some reason, I can't quite put my finger on it. And my colleagues and I from the What's Pop and the Popcorn podcast will be handing out free bags of popcorn, Jason, to all expo attendees. And you should attend, not for anything else, but for the popcorn. I'll pass. I wanted to set up a booth for Hello, Smile 10. Yeah.
00:11:19
Speaker
I tried to, but my co-host here, Kibosh, that one. Yeah, he did. Didn't want to hand out any free smiles, huh, Jason? No, no free smiles, Miss Elizabeth. This show is backbreaking to do. I don't have time to hang out. No free smiles. With the hoi polloi while my brain is going into overdrive, computing, trying to plan the next show, how the fun we're going to have. It's like The Matrix over there. Yeah. It's a lot of work. So sorry. Sorry, folks. The only place you can enjoy the show is right here. And don't check out the expo, because I won't be there. All right. Well, there's free popcorn. So I think everybody is going to be there. Sounds like it's a good time anyway. Well, what else is new?
00:12:00
Speaker
Well, the Smilton record and music collectible show was going to be at the conference centre, but they had their booking cancelled when the centre forgot that they'd also booked the lifestyle expo expo that Miss Elizabeth just told us about. So, I guess the record fans are out of luck, sorry.
00:12:18
Speaker
So I heard though that there's some talk about maybe setting up in Harvester Square, but it's supposed to rain. So who knows? I like that. Why don't they just rebook on a different date? I love the pecking order here. It's different dates. No, that was our date and the pecking order kicked in and we got kicked Kick in. to the curb. Okay, Jason, you can't just pick a date and then that's your date. You have to actually book it. We booked it. We did book it. I don't think so. And they forgot the booking and then the lifestyle, like that's what they told us. They said, oh yeah, right. The record guys. Oh well, the lifestyle export. People like that way more. So go, go, go, go deal with your records somewhere else. That's an annual event. I'm pretty sure that you just got your bookings mixed up or you didn't get the bookings actually set up.
00:13:02
Speaker
We did, but Ms. Elizabeth, we're indefatigable. We are. okay good So we gotta plan B. Okay, what's plan B? We're gonna maybe set up and harvest a square like I told you, but it's gonna rain. It's gonna rain, so how about the catacombs?
00:13:16
Speaker
I didn't think of that. Okay, that's an idea. Because if we set up in the rain, everyone's stock is going to get all soaked and ruined. ye And I was looking, at a coum I was looking, at Miss Elizabeth, instead of complaining and coming up with plan C, D or E, I was looking forward to just showing them and saying, hey, come on down, get that blondie or talking heads or tubes vinyl that you've been looking for. Yeah. It's because it's got to be at the Smiles and Record and Music Collectible Show, but now it's probably going to be a total drag.
00:13:40
Speaker
OK, I have two ideas. OK. Number one, like I said, catacombs underground, you're not going to get rained on. Number two, why don't you do it up in the sky above the clouds where it's also not going to be raining because the rain will be happening under your feet? Two fantastic ideas. How in the hell would you walk up to a table with records on it when you're in a hot air balloon, huter thousands of feet above the ground? Hot air balloons with bridges between the balloons. So like it's like an aerial like conference area. Yeah, and you get your you get your hands on some treasured, thin Lizzie vinyl and you get distracted and you walk right off one of those things. Yeah, okay. And then as you're falling, you can clutch those records tight, but they're going to shatter into a million pieces as you hit the ground. As you're falling through a rain cloud, correct. Okay, so maybe... So, bad idea. and So, i yeah, I don't know. It's going to be a drag. ah They paid me a hundred bucks to mention it, so I did. There's the mention.
00:14:32
Speaker
Probably won't even go. Miss Elizabeth will probably just go to the food court and watch fail videos on my phone instead. Okay. Join me there. Yeah, there's a number around town for you. Join me there and laughing at people falling down on YouTube. Life to style expo, I think. Okay. Well, that's that's around town. Lots of hotspots. Rain or shine. There's fun. Yeah. No matter what. Your last one was like was like a nothing burger. I think we knew something different. Nothing. Literally was because you're like, here's the thing, but it's not happening.
00:15:01
Speaker
They paid me a hundred bucks, so my hands were tied, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. okay Well, I'm going to cheer myself up with a proper pick of a song.
00:15:12
Speaker
yeah
00:15:14
Speaker
I thought we got enough of the tube last show, Miss Elizabeth, where we got barraged with questions for the mailbag. The tube is working now. Give me that canister. Okay, here you go. okay Hey, what is this message? Unbidden from Some Smile to Nerdywell. Oh, good. We haven't done this in a while. What is it? It's a song request. It is that time in the show to do a song. Yeah. Oh, isn't that delightful Some Smile, Tony, and wants to request a song? Yeah, OK. Do you see how sarcastic I'm being, Miss Elizabeth? Why, though? Because this is going to go into the ditch hard and fast. I think it's nice to learn that you have at least one fan. People don't understand what song requests are. You do have songs on all streaming platforms. Find more Smile Syndicate songs on all streaming platforms. Okay, well just watch. So at least you have one fan. Yeah. Okay, let's hear what it says. Okay. Woo! It's time to party, ladies. Mothers lock up your sons because the ladies are going to be on the prowl tonight.
00:16:13
Speaker
ah Does that sound like a song request to you? Well, I'm a lady and I will not be on the prowl. I'm throwing a bachelorette for my bestie with the mostest and we want a theme song to blare from the limo as we drive around with the windows down. Woo! Wow, you're really nailing this. I'm a professional, Miss Elizabeth. You're doing amazing. Something super catchy with a big beat and something you can dance to while you're standing up through a moon roof.
00:16:40
Speaker
Please work the following phrases into the lyrics. so This isn't a request for a smile syndicate song. This is putting me to work. ah Write me a song that has the following characteristics. In their defense, and I'm on their side in this to the extent that you haven't written a song recently, and maybe you need ideas. I got lots of ideas, Miss Elizabeth, but including some Goin' Snake songs that I told you about. okay those are those are Those are in the laboratory.
00:17:04
Speaker
OK, the music laboratory. Yes. Please work the following phrases into the lyrics. God, they're going to laugh when they hear this. The poop dress is in the trunk. What does that mean? Some in joke that we're not privy to. And I'm not going to put that phrase in my mouth again, let alone in a song to sing by anybody. Yeah, that seems weird. The only box I care about is boxed wine. That's dubious as well. Is this a little foul? Is this a foul?
00:17:34
Speaker
And yeah, I got a pool boy and I have the dirtiest pool in town. Oh my goodness, Jason. You can't write songs like this. I'm not writing tart songs, Miss Elizabeth. They're tart songs. Forget it. Forget that, Jason. Dear listener friend, you were in trouble when Miss Elizabeth and I agree so hard to lee on something because it never happens.
00:17:54
Speaker
That's not the type of song you record. Dirty pools. Yeah. Actually, let me write the words. Oh yeah, you write that whole song, lady. I'll send them to you tomorrow. Just make sure that there is a really big dance beat and the vocals should sound like Cher. I have to sound like Cher now. Okay.
00:18:13
Speaker
I need this by Thursday afternoon because we're heading out Friday to party all weekend. Whoo! I like how you charlene still express the punctuation that they think you are. I'm a professional. yeah She took the trouble and I'm going to tell her to go get lost, yeah but I'm not going to do it half-assed. Okay. Charlene, get your life in order. I don't know if you think this is the peak of having fun, but this is you're acting like a nitwit here.
00:18:39
Speaker
Yeah, it's pretty awful. And I would suggest that the Smilton Police keep an eye out for a limo full of drunk ladies careening around singing foul songs through a moonroof. You've got to be kidding me.
00:18:57
Speaker
There's another another song request? im I haven't. i haven't escape but okay The answer to that one is no, Charlene. Find someone else. Just open this other request. okay it It doesn't say who it's from. I think it's just from the just from the pneumatic tube itself. All it says on it is one word, goldfinger. Let's listen.
00:23:18
Speaker
Goldfinger by the smile syndicate right here on Hello Smile. Well, good choice pneumatic tube. That stupid pneumatic tube bails us out of a jam. Would you be polite? That was not kind. I'm playing along with the idea that there's a self-aware pneumatic tube system ah in this town. There is. That could see what was happening and saw the distress one of its messages ah was having. It decided to take matters into its own hands and calm the situation down by requesting a song I knew. they It knew I would be pleased to play.
00:23:48
Speaker
Oh, okay. And that it was an excellent song. Okay. Well, and i i I like it, Ms. Elizabeth. I'm always happy to play it on this show. I love listening to that song. I love how you how you expressed those lyrics. Well, good. It was fun to do. I know. It should be fun to listen to. It is fun. And the way you make sure that that fun continues through the coming month, Ms. Elizabeth, September is going to be upon us soon. You need a guide.
00:24:13
Speaker
You need a guide for your choices. And dear listener friend, you can... Layla, let's just lay the cards on the table. You can admit to Miss Elizabeth and myself right now, you your your your judgment has been a little iffy lately. Everybody's not sure what's going to happen in September. Exactly. yeah You need to double check the compass. And there is no safer guide to use than my brain.
00:24:36
Speaker
the depths of my inner mind where we fish those truth nuggets out, the unbidden sentence messages deep from my... yeah the the wild world of my id percolates up to my conscious mind and I capture them in this segment that we call accuscope, horoscope, the most scientifically acucope most scientifically accurate yeah horoscope on earth. I'm not sure. on earth Okay, yes. You're very, very full of yourself with these horoscopes. My track record, Horoscope Y, speaks for itself, Ms. Elizabeth. um mean Do you remember a Hovercraft Jim? I gave out lottery numbers like years ago. yeah he played them yeah He played those lottery numbers. now He won! I know he's got a successful business now. I think that's where the money for Lovercraft came from. That's 100% where the money came from. So that was my fault. yeah were yeah Well, whoopsie. I wouldn't have said fault.
00:25:25
Speaker
yeah and Yeah, he's a menace with that thing. Okay. Anyway, dear listener friend, maybe some similar good fortune could befall you if you follow the advice you are about to hear. and Okay, well, I'll read the horoscopes if you tell me which one to read. I'll react. Okay, you tell me which one to read. Which one goes first? What do you mean which one? The top of the list. Okay. The current, the current star sign. Okay, so you say Virgo, August 23rd to September 22nd. Yeah. Okay. It's the 26th today, Miss Elizabeth.
00:25:54
Speaker
all right romance at the donut shop are you trying to give away that we're recording this on another date and you don't know what date it is no i'm suggesting you should read the which horse it is it's been a while it has been a while first off virgo you're a virgo if you were born between august 23rd to september 22nd if you're born if your birth date's in there anyway you're a virgo and you should be proud virgo and here's a message for you just for you, Virgo. That was so repetitive. Romance at the donut shop will lead to heartbreak next month. By the way, this is my horoscope. Romance at the donut shop? Yeah, this is for me, by the way. Yeah. So you're saying I'm going to have a romance at the donut shop? We'll see. As your new honey is an aspiring professional wrestler and they never ever break character, patients will run thin around three weeks into this thing. Yeah, good luck with that one. Yeah. You are going to get fed up.
00:26:46
Speaker
Because every single... You're talking to me because I'm a Virgo. Yeah, every Virgo is gonna meet. I'm not planning to have... Well, every... The horoscope says otherwise, Miss Elizabeth. Every Virgo is gonna meet somebody who's a professional wrestler and you will get unbelievably tired that they're always cutting promos. You can't take them to the grocery store because they're gonna get into it with somebody in the cracker aisle or they're gonna get an argument with customer service or there will be something in the parking lot. They're always throwing like pins down on the floor and then body slamming other people onto them. And challenging and a lot of pointing and a lot of yelling. A lot of braggadocio. Yeah. So, buckle up. It's going to be a fun month for you, Virgo. Libra, September 23rd to October 22nd. The skeletons are going to come tumbling out of the closet later this month. Ooh. Uh-oh. that you know That's okay for closer to Halloween.
00:27:38
Speaker
And things won't be the same after it happens. Sure, these are those weird homemade skeletons that you make out of papier-mâché, so not the bad kind of skeletons. No, literal skeletons. Literal, not- Literal pretend papier-mâché skeletons.
00:27:56
Speaker
But you've got to admit it's a weird hobby. I think it's a really cool creative hobby, by the way. It's weird. And you should have cleaned up that closet before hosting a dinner party because your guest was only trying to hang up their coat and they spilled your weird skeletons and you're yelling at them now. Get a grip, Libra. What? Like you're indulging in this weird hobby. Have the decency to keep it under wraps. Yeah. And a guest was just like. Keep it under wraps like a mummy.
00:28:22
Speaker
Don't encourage Libra. No, drop this whole weird hobby full stop because it's a literal skeleton in the closet and it's causing you trouble and people are gonna look at you askance and you don't need that Libra after some of the other stunts you pulled lately. Scorpio, October 23rd to November 21st.
00:28:40
Speaker
Come on, Scorpio. What are you doing? Give your grandma a call. You're a viral internet sensation now, and it's all thanks to her for posting a video of you fainting after that fake spider prank that she pulled on you. Don't hold a grudge. Family first, my friend. i I know that video. I watch failed videos all the time, Miss Elizabeth. and Oh my gosh. Scorpio is so funny in that one. Just the screaming.
00:29:04
Speaker
That reminds me, I do have a gift to give you later. Screaming is high-pitched and frantic. Yeah. A gift? I do have a little gift for you. It's just a little box with a nice little lid. Oh, I'm excited, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, I'm just gonna... My wheels are gonna spin in my brain. I'm wondering what little nice little present you're gonna give me. I'll make sure somebody has the camera rolling while you open. Sounds good, sounds good.
00:29:23
Speaker
I'll do an unboxing. How about that? Sounds amazing. Sagittarius November 22nd to December 21st. Next week you're gonna lose that hat. Order another one right now because that hat is gonna be gonzo. Even knowing about it ahead of time won't change anything. Practical. Yeah. Very practical advice. Sagittarius loves that hat. You might as well get a subscription of hats.
00:29:46
Speaker
But is it not a chilling reminder of the inscrutable workings of fate? Even you can't protect a hat! That's crazy. Fate has other plans for that hat, and you can't do anything about it, so like just hang on for the ride, Sagittarius. Just thank your lucky stars. That's the limited interest fate has in you this month. It could be worse. Yeah. This is all happening in September, right? ah Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
00:30:15
Speaker
Well, what what what are you worried? You're not a Sagittarius. No, I'm just trying to remember when we do the horoscope, like the for the horoscope months, I'm just, I've got months in my head. Sometimes we do it a little early, sometimes we do it after the month has gotten underway. Miss Elizabeth, the show's carefully planned out months in advance. I know, I know. But there's a rhyme to the madness. I know. Capricorn, December 22nd to January 19th. On your way back from Hawaii next month in October.
00:30:42
Speaker
You're gonna mouth off to a flight attendant. They challenge you to a fight once you land, and you accept because the challenge was issued in front of the whole plane. ye The plane lands, you get into the airport, and your ass will be handed to you. Keep your trap shut next time you go on holiday. Again, Capricorn. It's good emperor good advice, but why not take advantage of that advice this month?
00:31:05
Speaker
and and not getting to fight in the first place. um cap Capricorn cannot help themselves. This is me telling the rest of the signs, just stay keep your distance from Capricorn. Capricorn is determined to Capricorn next month. Yeah, Capricorn is going to Capricorn. Exactly. So just keep your distance. and And if you want, break those cameras out and and film it because Capricorn getting a little bit of just desserts might be a hilarious spectacle. Okay.
00:31:32
Speaker
Aquarius, January 20th to February 18th. Oh, cool. Gumballs. Hey, what the They're all moldy. Ugh, gross. Metaphor. Metaphor? is that but That's really not... i'd but That's not a horoscope at all. It's a metaphor. What are you predicting? i Miss Elizabeth? I feel like you just i had this experience and it just came directly onto the page.
00:31:59
Speaker
I've learned to trust my inner mind, Miss Elizabeth, and I don't interpret or try to ah recalibrate or recontextualize the messages that come. okay That's the message I got. my i had I was staring at a blank piece of paper. Aquarius, what are we going to say for this thing?
00:32:14
Speaker
And then just it came to me gumballs, moldy gumballs. This is teaching me is that Jason likes gumballs and hasn't had one in maybe years? Potentially. And you maybe need some gumballs, so I should probably get some. I'll go to the candy store. You know what? Let's find some candy store. Neat theory. I'm not an Aquarius. I'll get you some gumballs. Back to the drawing board. Pisces, February 19th to March 20th. The sign of the fishman. I still haven't seen Forrest Gump again, Jason. Is this just you having thoughts? Yeah, that's what the horoscope is. One thought from one brain transmitted to another. Okay, didn't want to when it came out and still don't. Okay, so I'm just gonna ask, I'm interrupting again. Jason, have you ever seen Forrest Gump? No. Okay, my theory holds.
00:33:03
Speaker
All this trying to get me to watch it is putting me off it even more, so save your breath. Jason, you have to see Forrest Gump. No. No, thank you. But it's good. Life is like a box of chocolates. It's so rough. I know, I know, and that's putting me off even harder, Miss Elizabeth. That's like I got a force field. Okay, just because you're allergic to chocolate, you're not allergic to Forrest Gump, the movie. I am. I'm not going to see it. It's so heartwarming. And again, this is metaphor.
00:33:29
Speaker
okay but i'm taking a li still conduct yourself as though sometimes you try to force people into doing things maybe they don't want to do it and the fact that you're forcing them is turning them off even harder but how's that metaphor Pisces always does that or something I don't know I didn't have anything for Pisces Miss Elizabeth that's the first thing that like there was the last one I filled in okay I had to get the horoscope done okay so now the truth comes out Yeah, but it's it's true though. Pisces, leave me alone about Forrest Gump. You'll have a better month. okay Aries, March 21st to April 19th. They're all laughing at you at your sculpture class. yeah I know it's not on purpose, but everything that you make ends up looking like a human male body part. who And it's like you can't even see it.
00:34:18
Speaker
This is not to say that you should give up sculpture, keep going to your class, because they love you there. Jason, I don't even know if this is the real human male body part that we think that you are referring to, because it could be... Human males have a lot of body parts, yeah a lot of body parts. Indeed, Miss Elizabeth, but there is what? It could be an ear, no or no it could be an it could be an arm. I know what I'm talking about with this horoscope, Miss Elizabeth. And and you you should I love how you're trying to pick it apart from that direction instead of saying, good job. You're being encouraging here. ah Aries may have may have become the laughing stock of their sculpture class, but keep going because you're in entertaining people. And at the end of the day, isn't that what sculpture is all about?
00:35:02
Speaker
It's relentless. It's relentless Miss Elizabeth. It can't be an accident. Sculpture is not about entertaining people. It isn't? No. It's about art. Yeah? Art is not entertainment. They're different things. Well, people get a charge out of what Aries is producing, that's for sure. Yeah, that might not be art. It's hilarious. Okay. Taurus, April 20th to May 20th.
00:35:25
Speaker
I don't give a damn whether you're the US Northwest hula hoop champion or not. That's all of Taurus. Yeah, every Taurus. I don't think that's a thing. And even if it was, that's a weird flex. I was the undefeated champ of Simon at my school. And look what it did for me. Sweet F all. What's Simon? Is that like like Simon says?
00:35:48
Speaker
There we go. Sweet F all. I worked hard. It's a game. I don't even know what Simon is. It's an old... It's an electronic game. And if you don't say Simon says, but you do it, then you're the loser. It's a big round thing that has four panels that you push down. Bop it. Kind of like bop it, but you don't pick it up. It's sitting on the middle of a table. You're gathered around it.
00:36:10
Speaker
And there's a green and a red and a blue and a yellow. How old is this thing? Oh, it's old. And then it lights up like yellow lights up. So press yellow. And then it goes yellow green and then do yellow green. Then it goes yellow, yellow, green, blue, red, blue, green, yellow, yellow. It builds up like that. Pretty soon you start forgetting the pattern and it and it buzzes you when you get it wrong. And Simon wins again. I was the champ of that. where I worked.
00:36:37
Speaker
Thousands of hours to become the champ of my district of Simon and that sounds like a bit of a waste of time Jason Yeah, no, no kidding. No one cared. Yeah, I got mocked for it Okay, and now I can't even brag about it because you don't even know what Simon is. I don't know what Simon is. So what a waste of time and the and the hula hoop thing Taurus same thing for you So just use my life experience as a chilling tale of a life gone wrong and make another choice and stop this hula hoop stuff All right, sounds like a plan Gemini, May 21st to June 20th. Next week, you're gonna be invited to go to a carnival. Is that it? That's it. Okay, well that's an actual prediction, so I accept it. Yeah. Oh, thank you. What do you want? Like, what do you mean is that it? Of course, like a carnival. Oh, I didn't... Gemini, I didn't know that was coming. Which carnival? A carnival. It covers every Gemini on Earth. Okay. How big do you think this carnival is? Alright, it's ah okay.
00:37:33
Speaker
ah It's gonna happen Gemini get to just ah have some pocket money. You're gonna have some fun Maybe we'll win a stuffed animal or something going on a couple of rides. Well some romance might happen Who knows Gemini have fun heads up see not all the horoscopes are bad. Okay. All right cancer June 21st to July twenty second You're what now? Forming on a construction site? You don't know anything about building things. Holy crap. Let me know where that building is that you're building so that I can avoid it because with you in charge, that thing will not be standing for long. There's regulations against that, Jason. I think this is going to be fine.
00:38:07
Speaker
That's why I was so surprised, Miss Elizabeth, I was taken aback by the news from cancer. Cancer really sucks at building things. They've never built anything. theyre They've never worked on a construction site before, so this ah whole foreman things coming out of left field. yeah And I would keep my distance from any building that cancer is leading the construction of. cause they don't know where They don't know which end is up.
00:38:30
Speaker
you Get another line of work cancer because if you're a building falls down it could have repercussions on the buildings around you I'm gonna have to say I think I trust cancer. Oh boy Well, you can be the first to lease out the top floor on that building Leo July 23rd to August 22nd. You're a Leo Yup. Okay, somehow the taste of canned spaghetti has changed Mm-hmm It's not as good now, so remember that next time you go grocery shopping, get those little mini-ritz cheddar cheese things instead. Uh-oh, Jason, what if the same thing happens to the mini-ritz cheddar cheese things? Don't even joke about that, Miss Elizabeth. It was already hard enough getting to the idea getting used to the idea that I couldn't have canned spaghetti anymore. So this is just this one is just about you.
00:39:12
Speaker
I'm a Leo, aren't I? You are a Leo. Am I not as worthy a Leo as any other Leo on Earth? You are worthy of the Leo horoscope. And I did notice that there was a pile of spaghetti cans that were not being opened after one of them had been opened in Newton. And then they were all thrown out. So I barked at the interns and I told them never buy spaghetti for the Smile Syndicate HQ kitchen again. I make a really good spaghetti sauce so you don't have to buy cans anymore. You can stop cooking for everybody, Miss Elizabeth. You gotta show to focus on here. I make giant quantities of things. Indeed.
00:39:44
Speaker
I'm good now. i'm Now that you're talking about mini riffs, I gotta go get some. I'm hungry. Horpto. This is the 13th sign, the oldest of them all. I'm not gonna go into how you calculate. If you're a Horpto, you know it in your bones if you are one. yeah And if you aren't one and you're pretending to be one, how dare you give your head a shake? Okay. What i what what what is it? I can say without reservation that you are a member of the worst barbershop quartet in the world.
00:40:12
Speaker
Uh, mic drop. That's insulting. That's true, Miss Elizabeth. Somebody has to tell Horpto. Okay, but Horpto... What a punishing experience that is listening to that thing. Okay, but just because you're a member of the worst barbershop quartet in the world doesn't mean you are the worst member. So take that. No. You may be the fourth worst singer in the world.
00:40:30
Speaker
Or the first, I don't know. It's just a bad group. You might not be as bad individually. That's the things I can't tell. I can't tell who's making what sound in that thing. They're so terrible. It's like gears grinding and sparks flying. And, uh, barbershop quartets was supposed to be mellifluous, are they not? They are. And you know what, Jason? Practice makes perfect. Yeah, well, Horpto, get to practice because you're inflicting pain on people and it's enough. You, Goford, Horpto, you... It is enough. Goford, Horpto, I say practice, practice, practice. It's got, Horpto's getting nowhere, so find another line of endeavor. Take heart. That's the Accuscope Horoscope. September is going to go right for you now, dear listener friend. Whichever of those buckets you find yourself in, you found advice, you can action, and the results will speak for themselves. So report back when the month goes.
00:41:18
Speaker
Terrifically well for you. yeah ah I'm in a mellow mood, Miss Elizabeth. That was quite a frenzy of electricity. A lot of knowledge being shared there. We got to cool things down. yeah And what better way than with a cool jazz number by the smile syndicate? Let's listen to World War IX.
00:46:13
Speaker
World War 9 by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello Smile. Yeah, it's very chill relaxing. It is. It's talking about apocalyptic things in our you and the in the future yet to come, the shape of things to come. yeah And yet it's done in a mellow way and maybe we can ride it out anyway, yeah no matter how bad things get. Sounds good.
00:46:32
Speaker
that's all That's all theoretical, because when we look at reality right now, we're having a grand old time doing this show for you, dear listener friend, and we're going to be back next week with an epi but another episode yeah of Hello, Smile, and Miss Elizabeth. We're getting there. This episode is ninety number 98. Yeah. we're We're going to be doing episode 99 next week. We're getting to a big milestone. Are we going to party?
00:46:57
Speaker
Nah, we'll just keep on trucking. Okay. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, pick us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more, Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week, and as always, remember friends, the sun is the jukebox.