00:00:00
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Mission: Awesome
15 Plays1 day ago
Listen now to the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON and hear podcasting done without a net! Not a big deal, really, because I'm not sure why having a net would make things any better or safer or anything. But we gotta hype the show so, yeah, no nets!
Jason and Miss Elizabeth have their Sunday best on and are gonna deliver on their solemn promise to put some comedy and music together and pour that goop right into your earholes.
Whether we're talking about a classic edition of MISS ELIZABETH'S PODCAST CATCH UP wherein our plucky co-host gives us an update about some of the other shows she does or the SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD where Smileton residents bombard our show with off-kilter, bizarre or uncanny messages, you can be the entertainment will be long and intense.
Listen now and thank yourself later!
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps
5:54 Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Catch Up (from August 15, 2022)
24:49 SONG – Rogue and Rascal
27:28 Smileton Community Message Board (from June 20, 2022)
Transcript
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smiles, and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to take straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. All right, Miss Elizabeth, if you say so. Are you feeling good? I mean, I'm not sure if you're feeling good. i'm Miss Elizabeth, I'm just fine.
00:00:26
Speaker
I'm ready to go here, dear listener friend. You're ready. You're ready to listen to some comedy and some music, and we're here to give it to you. We're all ready for this week. and in and that is Happy Thanksgiving. The torpedoes be you damned. yeah That's what I say to the the struggles that we... Darn the torpedoes. yeah like the the the The torpedoes can go confound themselves. Happy Thanksgiving to you, Miss Elizabeth.
00:00:50
Speaker
we This show gets out the door no matter what state the plucky co-hosts are in. You're in a bit of a state, are you? I am in a state, Miss Elizabeth, and it's of no fault of my own at all. Is it because of Thanksgiving menu items?
00:01:04
Speaker
Well, not exactly. okay ok i i do We have to say for our American audience, Happy Thanksgiving. It is Canadian Thanksgiving. Here in Canada, we do Thanksgiving twice because we do it once for for Canada, of course, and we do it again for America out of politeness. I studiously ignore both occasions, Miss Elizabeth. I happened to have i didn't really want to tell this story, but I'm going to get into it anyway. because you have ah yeah i tell me My stomach is in a bit of a state right now. Yes. Well, I was at this mountain bingo and spaghetti buffet.
00:01:38
Speaker
Spaghetti, Tom-Tom. As what I... Miss Elizabeth, you want to trivialize? Like I'm some seven-year-old. Ladies and gentlemen, I could knock your heads together every last one of you. That's how angry I am with that lack of care. I'm not doing well today, Miss Elizabeth. I care? It's just you rolled in here, like, you know. Rolled in here. You did. Miss Elizabeth, I show up to work whether I'm feeling it that day or not. And today, I'm not because of what happened yesterday.
00:02:06
Speaker
As is tradition, the night before show day, it's time for a spaghetti buffet. So I will eat a copious amount of spaghetti. Because you think it's all you can eat. It's a buffet, but it's not really all you can eat. But that's how you treat it. It is not all you can eat buffet, Miss Elizabeth. It's pandemonium in there. It's great. I love it. And the eighth plate of spaghetti is as appetizing as the first. But you ate more than you could eat.
00:02:34
Speaker
right because I was just there of working on my third plate or something like this and this guy comes in and he starts eyeing and eyeing me up and you know I usually go by myself and I i give myself plenty of elbow room plenty of room to work and um and i'm I'm just sitting there. Why is it work eating spaghetti?
00:02:53
Speaker
You walk in the park, that's for sure. It shouldn't be work. it's It's just pasta with sauce. Just eat a little. Miss Elizabeth, you're making me hungry despite the state of my guts. I'm hungry for more. That's how good pasta is. Well, this guy, he's he's not respecting the space. And he starts asking me, and I'm like, I'm working on ah on a breadstick because I'm considering what what type of pasta to get with ah round four. And he starts talking. Wow.
00:03:18
Speaker
Brave, adding breadsticks to the next- So how many- So you've been here long, what plate number is that? And I said three. And he said, well, you look like you got a sweat on there. I don't think you're making it to five. And I just snapped that breadstick in half. Was he a doctor? Because- Maybe you should have listened to him. He did not look like a doctor to me. He looked like a jackass who was ah more mouth and brains. Doctors comes in all shapes and sizes. Okay, well i I invited this unwelcome guest to sit down and sup with me. We will have spaghetti together and i'll I'll let him catch up and we'll be at three apiece and then we'll get to work. So you turned it into a contest.
00:03:59
Speaker
Yes, of course. This sounds like not in the spirit of Thanksgiving at all. Oh, I was given thanks for ah for ah for the having this joker to teach a lesson to, and maybe it'll be a little bit less or less mouthy next time. So we got to work, and the plates went on and on. And I was starting to get a bit nervous, because this guy looked like a total dwee, but he was demolishing the pasta. And he kept looking over at me and grinning as he as he was shoveling the pasta down his face.
00:04:27
Speaker
So, Miss Lisbeth? What happened? like i got to like I don't even want to tell you how much past I ate, but i went and I went into the danger zone. You might as well tell me you're sitting here now. I cranked up that Kenny Loggins, and I lost count of the number of plates, but it kept going and going, and that guy wasn't slowing down. Finally, he goes, Jason, OK, you've been to sport today. And then he takes off the fake beard and fake mustache.
00:04:55
Speaker
And fake tum-tum, probably. It's Gary the Digestor. Oh, okay. Smile to competitive food eating royalty. Okay. I was a sucker, Miss Elizabeth. I went up against a professional. I didn't even know. He's no doctor. He's a professional food eater, but he knows he knows a mark when he sees one. Yeah. And i I admit, I wasn't there to compete. I was there to just enjoy myself. Yeah. What a what what a disheartening, just disappointing outcome. Wow. He made a fool of me. Did you throw up? No, Miss Elizabeth. That would not be sporting. I'm not going to throw up then. Sometimes it's not voluntary. I didn't throw up then and I'm not going to throw up now. Dear listener friend, you're Geez, dude, get to bed, get some rest. What are you doing a show for? And I'm like, yeah, no kidding. Makes no sense to me either. But we're here. We might as well present a couple of fun things for you. Happy Thanksgiving. I'm glad that you are here and that you are surviving. Yeah. Oh, I'm thriving, Miss Elizabeth. Spare me the surviving stuff. All right.
00:05:54
Speaker
This show has been going on a while. Huge archive. We love dipping into the back. And quite frankly, I wouldn't mind dipping into the back catalog today. Put my feet up for a bit. All right, let's do it. Well, the first thing I've got to fish out of the archive is something from way back, more than two years ago. OK. This is a Miss Elizabeth's podcast ketchup segment.
00:06:15
Speaker
Good choice. From the August 15th, 2022 episode of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour, the spiritual forebearer of this very show, episode 301, that thing was called a self-sufficient entertainment machine. I'm interested. So let's step back in time and listen again. Let's do it.
00:06:33
Speaker
I'm ah committed to this show, dear listener friend. You can't doubt that for one second. This show is pretty much all I got going on, and I don't devote my whole attention to it. Miss Lisbeth, on the other hand... No, no. ah Yes, yes. 92. 92. I said it correctly. 91 other podcasts. 92 total. We are podcast number 92, and that's the order of priority.
00:06:57
Speaker
And she is so busy, week in, week out of being on on on these other shows, it bedevils my imagination. right it It makes me frustrated. I know, because you can only see one way of podcasting, but each of these podcasts is very, very different. And I have a lot to tell you about on the podcast cast. For some reason, some some of the people who tune into this show once in a while, I'm leaving you out of that, dear listener, Frank, because I know you're more discerning than that.
00:07:20
Speaker
They want to hear about some of these other shows that Miss Elizabeth does. 92 a week, you can't keep up with it. So Miss Elizabeth got the bright idea that she wants to give us all an update on some of the bigger more ah bigger happenings on some of the shows other shows she's done this week. So Miss Elizabeth, regretfully I say let's hear about it now.
00:07:37
Speaker
All right, well, I was pretty busy last week recording new episodes of the 92 different podcasts that I do. I can appreciate that listening to all of these shows might be a challenge, Jason. Sometimes, you know, it's hard to go through all those. It's tough to get through 10 seconds of most of those shows. I'm going to pick out some highlights from some of them so that you'll know where to start. Okay. So this isn't like instead of, this is just how to get started. Okay. But you really should listen to... Smile Syndicate Music Hour back catalog is where any good podcast listener should be starting. They're already listening to the show. So we're already confident about that. But you really should listen to all 92 because there was so much fun going on around all those different shows. You can say it, but it doesn't make it true. It rings hollow. Let's start with Must Have Mustard. Oh, boy. A fantastic mustard podcast. How self-indulgent can you get? Slather it on and eat it and get on with your life while you're talking about sitting around looking at Mustards. Mustard is about indulgence, Jason. Yes. It is about making your life a little tiny bit better. And I'm not about indulgence. Livestreaming can be a fun way to liven up a podcast recording session. Case in point, we're doing it right now. I've never found that in this list. Really? No. We're livening it up right now, Jason.
00:08:49
Speaker
especially if you take calls during the show. oh wow We could add that. to our That's a bridge too far. Do you think that's a bridge too far? yeah We're not doing that. well so We love hearing from fellow mustard lovers. Can you imagine there being such a thing?
00:09:05
Speaker
Yes, because there are fans, they listen to our show and they call in all the time. There's so much to talk about and share in the mustard world, especially over the last five years or so. Mustard's been booming. Wow. Oh, yeah. So we've been doing that on the show for quite some time now, Jason, but we ran into trouble last week during our last episode. Oh, no. one of the guys dating Rudy's wife they as you know have an open you may not know this they have an open relationship it's no big deal what does that have to do with mustard so one of the guys called in and started giving one of the guys she dates that's right they have an open relationship with her husband yeah what kind of messed up world is mustard you're getting stuck on the open relationship
00:09:48
Speaker
<unk>y So I just need to explain it wasn't her husband, but it was somebody that she's dating Started giving Rudy static about who the real mustard king of Smiles in it. Well, that's a slap I don't care anything about mustard But that's a slap in the face because you want to be the mustard king now that you've heard that there is a mustard king Am I right? ah no you're all I know You you like to do weirdos can fight duke it out among yourselves. I don't care about that particular title It got real you slap a man in the face like that It got real personal, Jason, real quick, and it got nasty, too. So we had to do plenty of bleeping. We have a bleep button. Well, I'm telling you what. Unlike on this show. We don't have a bleep button. Heck no, Miss Elizabeth. You have to keep yourself under control, Jason. That's right. Because you don't have a bleep button. While this was going on, Chrissy got in a phone argument with her sister-in-law about who's to blame for the skidoo being lit on fire and crashed into the hot tub, which was also lit on fire. Holy.
00:10:46
Speaker
They would tend to... It was all in the same incident, so that explains the fire. Lots of fire, lots of crashing. It was a fiery, fiery situation. I may have been hasty in writing this show off. So ah you should have listened to this one. In fact, you can still because it's a podcast. Sounds amazing. So I took that as a cue to call up Lacey from Lacey's Skidoo and Hot Tub Pick Apart. Should have fixed both of those problems.
00:11:10
Speaker
Exactly. That's right. That's what I thought. So I tried to fix it right there. That's a little bit of sound thinking, which I wouldn't expect from that show. So for about 10 minutes, there were three separate calls going at the same time. What? That's right. Oh, I stand corrected. But no. Unlistenable. So this got even... Three conversations at the same time. Yeah, but listen what I did. Can you imagine the listener just screaming at their device, someone at a time? You're making me nuts! Okay, so here's the solution though, Jason. I patched them all together. And then Lacey and I managed to get the situations all calmed down and fixed. Pretty darn impressive, don't you think? Yeah, you have to admit. This sounds like the craziest show I ever heard of. came I know, it came together really, really mustard-like, I have to say.
00:11:53
Speaker
I hope that we have time next week to actually talk about Mustard in the next episode. There you go. Mission accomplished. Mission creeped so that you don't even remember what the original mission was. Mission awesome. Let's rock with Mitch Winchell.
00:12:09
Speaker
That's the next podcast I want to give you a little ah rundown of what happened this week. like Can I hearken back to the fact that you do have 91 other shows to pick from it and you've seen to be hell bent on picking this one to just rile me up, yeah tweak me just that little bit. Well, this one, yeah, I guess it does tweak you, but it does have some really cool information in it. So I think I better... Oh, I'm all ears, Miss Elizabeth. I'm all ears about hearing about how to steal groceries and how to so but break into a hatchback. And depart like a ghost like you are never there, but the groceries have vanished. That sounds like a useful skill, but it's nothing that Mitch Winchell is able to do. That's all he does. This show is quickly becoming the most fun to work on for me. One of the most fun. ex of this Present company emphatically excluded from that. I'm having fun right now, but this one is also fun. Mitch gave everyone a rundown on the... You don't and like... Don't I? No.
00:13:01
Speaker
When I got blistered, or but I got blistered from the attacks from our studio audience. I know people that are gunning for me, with wise. This is all just useful information. Just think of it that way. Okay. Tell me all about it. Mitch gave everyone a rundown on the latest from his store. The sales have been so crazy for so long that Mitch is now talking about opening new locations in both Gowers Gulch and Pickle Hills that he's franchising.
00:13:27
Speaker
Yeah, the trifecta right there. The tri-town area. The tri-town area trifecta for business. Well, I'm sorry to our neighbors in those towns. Gowersville, Pickles Hill. Right, now they can get good quality. Yeah, the biggest phony burger experience. Phony burgers, phony rocking. Well, this is music. This Mitch Whitch wouldn't know rock and roll burger experience if he fell into it. So they need guitars too. Maybe they're sick of driving to Smiles and now they can go to their own store.
00:13:49
Speaker
That's still a Mitch Winchell store. okay Clean, well-organized, good prices, new equipment. No, not a paid... No, unpaid advertisement. Okay, you're right. I'm hitting the buzzer. You're right, okay. And we can't forget about Mitch Winchell's rock and roll burger experience, which I know you have not forgotten about that. No, it's on my mind, as you can tell.
00:14:07
Speaker
Myleson's favorite burger joint keeps getting better. Oh, wait a minute. I thought you were talking about the burger experience. No. His store. Rock-styling guitars. That's right. Oh, it's even worse. His sales are going so well. Oh, well, see, I was in such a rage that I couldn't even hear you, right? All right. Well, there are so many pictures of famous guitarists. He runs too many businesses. Somebody's got to investigate. He runs like a guitar store and he runs the burger place. Yeah. That's right. Yeah.
00:14:34
Speaker
There are so many pictures of famous guitarists digging into delicious burgers that I had a joke with Mitch about opening a new wing to of the restaurant just to display, just like a display wing. So he gives Pete Townsend food poisoning and he wants to brag about that. That's a disgraceful act. Unfortunately, the burger experience also has become the target of jealous nitwits.
00:14:57
Speaker
I'm not calling you a nitwit or jealous. I'm sure you weren't one of the ones attacking. No. Okay. really Surely not. Okay. Your buddy Lance apparently decided that it would be a good idea to show up in the worst disguise ever. What what what do you mean disguise? Basically, it was a $5 wig and a mustache made out of electrical tape.
00:15:19
Speaker
That's his look, Miss Elizabeth. I don't know what you're complaining about. So it was Lance, thanks for the confirmation. He tried to make a scene saying, this food is making me effing sick. Yeah. Okay, finished, but finished that. And why did I, oh, why did I eat here and get poisoned? Yeah, that sounds like Lance. Dear listener friend, if you don't know who Lance is, he's my buddy. He runs the real proper guitar store in town music by Lance. Not that phony baloney store Mitch Winchell runs, rocks down in guitars.
00:15:46
Speaker
He's just you know what you know you know Lance. He may have assumed a disguise, but you know what he was a food critic He was going in there to review the food He was like a consumer reports advocate for food safety And what happened to him is God Scott turned inside out because he felt like he'd been poisoned miss Elizabeth You have it there in black and white. It's all mental though. It's anxiety. It's coming from his Oh, yeah, the rancid meat in that burger all in your head, Lance. No, no, you'll start feeling sick if you feel like super anxious about something. Trust me, I feel sick right now, Miss Elizabeth. All right. But a couple of the kids working behind the counter got him settled down pretty quick. Thank goodness for that. Then it turns out Lance didn't have his wallet or something. Whoops. Do you know anything about that? No, I don't. So he couldn't pay for the food?
00:16:33
Speaker
No. Well, come on, Miss Elizabeth. He's a resident of the town. Can he not run a tab? So Mitch, he let him wash dishes for a couple of hours. Let him. He let him do that to pay for his tab. So a little bit of unpleasantness, but it all turned out OK in the end. its Yeah, it sounds like ah food poisoning being skated right over like taller Cranston. That was all just lies.
00:16:56
Speaker
It wasn't just lies. This was what we got. an i Apparently, ah Mitch Winchell, from the horse's mouth the rockings the Rock Stallion's mouth himself, yeah told you one of his customers complained of illness. He complained of a stomach that was unsettled. So if you're feeling like your stomach is unsettled and you might be food poisoned, do you think you're going to say... Get to the hospital and then sue the pants off Mitch Winchell. Exactly. So what you don't say is, why did I eat here and get poisoned?
00:17:24
Speaker
What? He's calling to the rock gods in the sky. Whoa, but tied us all, if this is our fate. You, we are but as flies, the wanton boys as the rock gods treat Smilden. Mitch is not holding it against him because he did get the the dishes washed for a couple hours, so that's okay. Thank goodness for that. How about this one then? Up, up and away, the hot air ballooning podcast.
00:17:46
Speaker
oh you're gonna like this story no no you're gonna like it we're not we can't pass because it's amazing so i want to hear about that one we were sure flying high in the latest episode we so to speak uh we didn't do it actually in the sky see what you did there you go up in the sky on your hot air balloons that's right flying high means ah hock yeah success enthusiasm momentum in a positive direction very positive attitude wordplay is delightful thank you we did a live unboxing of Christie's latest balloon you like unboxings I do k Christie's latest balloon oh god you people she's been how many balloons do you need well she has been flying you'll understand in a moment so she has been flying a generic hot air balloon oh heaven for fear or so oh
00:18:30
Speaker
Because the last like a commoner the last time that she got a custom one made they screwed up the order And if you recall instead of saying Christie with an exclamation mark, it said industrial waste management solutions which i wish i could I wish I could have been privy to that unboxing video. Oh, her crestfallen face must have been such a thing to behold. Okay, so she donated that one to Goodwill. That sounds like an awesome balloon to have. Well, you can find out because she donated that one to Goodwill, and I have seen it flying around here and there, so I'm glad someone is enjoying it. Goodwill takes hot air balloons.
00:19:08
Speaker
Yeah, they take good will takes everything. cheaper They're full of good will. Well, apparently, of course. But anyway, we were all excited to see the unveiling of Christie Mark two. So k Christie opened the box and we started the burner and waited for about half an hour for the balloon to fill. Okay, it's half an hour was on the show. Amazing. Oh my goodness. I can't imagine it was a giant balloon shaped like Christie's head.
00:19:36
Speaker
oh boy miss Elizabeth that is that disturbing it was that's where that thing came from fantastic just huge it was her big grinning face yes so happy it was kind of cartoonized what she's attractive what are you doing Christy's just fine, but I don't need a balloon of her head. that I saw that thing in the distance and I was terrified. okay Nobody needs a balloon of their head. is It's something you want and you enjoy when it's happening. okay It was fun. I can't wait to see that floating head above Smileton. Elmer suggested, a great suggestion, that we all get balloons of ourselves, our own heads,
00:20:13
Speaker
no And that we have a whole set up there in the sky. At the same time, Jason. Just when you thought hot air ballooning couldn't get worse, human heads floating above the other. Talk about oppressive. I've already ordered mine. And Jason, I've done a little one for you as well. Oh, it's going back to the manufacturer. It's going straight to Goodwill. Up in the sky is where it's going. If it goes to Goodwill, they'll fly it. You know they will. Elizabeth, this town is Kafkaesque enough. We don't need you contributing to them. It's not Kafkaesque. Come on. That feels that way, Miss Elizabeth. It's joyful. How about then, the next podcast I want to talk about talking Smileton Street Hockey. I'm torn. I don't care about anything as much as I care about Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey. Wait a minute, you mean you don't even care about this show? Miss Elizabeth, I care about this show.
00:21:00
Speaker
Mountain Northside Community Street Hockey gets my wheels turning, and I would be all over a podcast, but I have two problems with it. One, no I'm not on it. And two, who the hell thought it was a good idea not to ask me on it? You could guest on it. Guest. Okay, well listen to this. Thanks, but no, I should start a competing show. We kicked off the show. You don't have to start a lot of, like, spite podcasts.
00:21:23
Speaker
I know. I don't have time to do this one, Miss Elizabeth. I know I can't start number two. I'm not like you. We kicked off the show with Ken making it very clear that he now wants to be known as Barbecue Ken since branding is very important and he's got to maintain his competitive edge in the Smilton Mall food court. Everybody knows who Ken is. The lineup at the Korean Barbecue place is a mile long every lunchtime. And he's Barbecue Ken. Well, you know what? Normally I cock my eyebrow in dubious wonder at the things you say, but Ken call himself Barbecue Ken. I basically call him that half the time anyway, so that's a good idea. That's right. Yeah. Branding's important. It is. It is. Once we got that straight, we went into the biggest controversy of the week, the overtime goal, or was it?
00:22:09
Speaker
in the game between the Butterbuns and the Drunk at Works. Yeah, I was there, Miss Elizabeth. I don't know if any of you and your podcast host happened to be at that game when I was right on right at roadside. Well, just in case that you missed it, the teams were tied at three heading into overtime. Yeah, exciting. The tennis ball was in the Butterbuns zone. That guy with the horn-rimmed glasses moored. He was at the nets trying to kick the ball, and then somebody in the crowd yeah threw in a bunch of tennis balls onto the road, and like three of them ended up in the net, Jason. And you could hardly tell which ball was which. You know, they all look very similar, those tennis balls. and Exactly, Miss Elizabeth, and that was not even the most appalling part of it. Yeah, there's no way that that should have been counted for three goals. Ridiculous. Bad roughing, Jason. Absolutely, Miss Elizabeth. And um i I don't want to point fingers, but I will. yeah I blame you. i blame I blame fans like you, Miss Elizabeth. Why? Because you're so concerned with fun. Why aren't you blaming the person? you Don't clutch with all four limbs to the rules because you thought if one ball is fun, maybe two, we should give a spin. What do you say? I didn't throw the balls in. I'm not accusing you of that, but this this this attitude you have, Miss Lizbeth, you gotta admit that's a common theme in your 92 podcast. Okay. Let's have fun. I guess it was a super fun thing that that guy did and maybe the score doesn't matter after all. ah yeah Maybe you can't play me. and Your honor, did you hear the confession?
00:23:38
Speaker
absolutely ridiculous and that's all I have for you for the summaries because I you know you really have to go and listen to the shows well i really you have to and well you do miss Elizabeth that's true of any podcast thank you so much for those those riveting updates yeah you're welcome ladies and gentlemen silence yourself because I need to change my mental focus just applauding I know they are im happy not not a concern of mine miss Elizabeth Hold stuff by the smiles. I'm gonna get right here on hello smile. Each and every single one of those podcasts ah can be listened to and should be returned to.
00:24:12
Speaker
Trust me, dear listener friends, she's just trying to pull you in the net. Don't get trapped. 92 podcasts is too many. Still active. The one you're listening to right now. Don't bother with must-have, mustard, or whatever those other crazy shows she was talking about. And if you can't find a podcast that you are interested in, start one of your own. Oh, that's... Miss Elizabeth, you're all full of bad advice today. That's how I feel. Okay, let's play a song, a smile syndicate.
00:24:38
Speaker
Okay, well I think I should be able to choose it. Yeah, one of the new ones. Okay. I'm gonna pick one that we, oh, I think we did a YouTube video about it. Yes, we it did. It's called Rogue and Rascal. Let's listen.
00:25:29
Speaker
out for you
00:26:42
Speaker
Broken Rascal by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello Smile Town. Excellent song. I think you should write more. yeah miss li you You see the state of the studio we're in right we're in right now. yeah it's It's a mess. It's Jenga getting in here. we it's like that It's like that game of ah parking lot you know where yes you have to move things around just to get in. There's no escape. If there's a fire, we're goners. No, right now okay. There's other business going on at Smile Syndicate HQ today. We had to pull a bunch of stuff into the studio room because we had some dignitaries visiting from Flowerville, Japan. We did. Smile and Sister City, but no one gave us the head heads up and the clueless interns were just sitting there gaming. They didn't help us pick up at all. yeah Okay. I'm enough complaining, Ms. Elizabeth. My stomach can't take it. What I do want to present is the second pick.
00:27:31
Speaker
i hope something let's say community orientented smile milton community message board how about that all right we get bizarre missives and like for rank messages to the voices of the people of the smile and demand to be heard on this show and we've we buckle buckled under and we are we we let where We let it happen and now we can't stop it. We take all comers. Oh boy. So this this ah particular installment of that favorite segment is from June 20th, 2022. And this came from episode 293 of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour, which was called the Naked Tuba Meltdown. Sounds good. Let's listen.
00:28:08
Speaker
elizabeth you know some people complain that I'm too negative on this show I'm too cranky I've got I'm i'm squawking and complaining all the time but I have to remind myself to have a even though I know exactly how these segments go I have to approach them with the innocence of a newborn babe I have to assume the best. So I'm going to say, people of Smilton, thank you so much for sending in the messages to the message board. I happily welcome the crank misses, the 2,000 page screeds written in a language of your own devising. These are all short enough to read the podcast. The aggressive threats and bizarre looks into the tortured psyches of our citizens. Well, you're so dramatic. i'm i'm I say, let's get at this latest badge.
00:28:51
Speaker
All right, well, summer is upon us and there's nothing like good old-fashioned family style music to get people in the summertime spirit. The proud Peacock family band proudly announces their summer 2022 tour of the Tri-town area. Wow. That's exciting. Proud Peacocks. Audience is excited about that. Get ready, Smiles in Pickle Hills and Gowers Gulch. A bunch of singing and strumming is coming your way. We can't wait to see our friends again.
00:29:21
Speaker
We'd also just like to point out that we've hired a nice man named Keith to act as our security person. To the immature fool who dresses up as a human male body part and charges on stage to do cartwheels while we play our songs, I say, think twice. Keith played football when he was a kid and I saw him carry two big water bottles at the same time. Sounds like the jokes on you, Joker. Proud Peacock Family Band mailbox 5440.
00:29:50
Speaker
see I'm on the one hand. I'm glad that they're that they've announced their tri-town tour the proud peacocks always there the I say it again They're the best family band in town. Mm-hmm I don't know why they're trying to put off that guy who runs on stage dressed as a human male body part because believe me miss Elizabeth I hit the ground laughing as soon as he appears and he's jumping around caper and doing car Yeah, it's the funniest thing you ever saw and if it doesn't make you laugh it usually makes you go Oh my because he is very acrobatic and no his lands. He always lands like it's landing sticks the landing yeah elizabeth I don't... sit they're uptight. They get uptight when people... well you mean it might even be the same prankster, I don't know, but their school bus that they drive around in got painted with human male body parts, their their website got defiled there ah there. I think didn't they have a bunch of shirts that the order got changed and there were some hilarious logos on it.
00:30:37
Speaker
They got those those like refunded, but that yeah. I think proud peacocks just focus on the music and if there's human male body parts flying around, just go with it. Yeah. The following announcement concerns the members of the Smilton Poets Society. The following members are no longer welcome to our gatherings and their future activities should not be considered to be endorsed or otherwise in any way supported by the Smilton Poets Society. Molly, your comfort animal companion bit me And now it's infected, so you're out. Megan, you knew I was bringing my homemade guacamole to the potluck, and you yet yeah brought that horrible store-bought stuff anyway, so you're out. Michelle, I don't believe your five-year-old niece wrote that poem. I think you did, and I think you're a liar, and I don't and don't think I didn't notice that catty comment about my belt buckle, because I wear that thing unironically because I like it. And my father gave it to me, if you must know, Gregory, mailbox 12-506. Wow. I, you know, somebody's kicking a lot of people out. I think maybe some clean house or, or somebody needs to just take a deep breath. You know, I was, I, I, I have never been tempted to check out the the activities of this mountain poet society. Uh, I, I expected it to be a bunch of self-indulgent naval gazing, but this Gregory sounds like he's got his eye on the prize. He's got, he's keeping the, he's keeping the organization prim and proper and people who are or working against the mission statement out on their keister's on the road where they belong. He's keeping things tight, that's for sure. I mean, it does make for better poetry in the end. Yeah, this Gregory sounds like a bit of a whiner, though, jeepers. He's got an itemized list of ways people whose name all start with him. Apparently you have offended him. Gregory, thanks for the message. but I'll just continue to keep my distance from that organization.
00:32:19
Speaker
Yauzi Yazoo, what do you do when you declare yourself the funniest morning show in all of Canada? You throw a two-four or two in the back of the old pickup and take them somewhere and celebrate. That's what. You're not going to get better at Canadian humor than right here, and that's totally true, eh? Oh, boy, the ah I'm enraged.
00:32:42
Speaker
Are you arranged by the like the fake A they're stuck on at the end? it's painfully but This can only be one person. Somebody, you have to work hard to be this painfully unfunny. Listen to the show tomorrow to hear Hot Madison interview my new character Doug the Molson Guy. And hear about how much Molson he drinks. oh Sounds like a lot, Jason. Hilarious. And hang onto your sides as Pete the Freak becomes Pete the hockey guy, and blows our minds by turning whatever I ask him into a question about hockey. He's obsessed! Oh, and it's Wear-A-Tuke Day, so make sure that you've got yours on while you listen. It's June, and we're wearing toques? Yeah, I told you we're crazy. Honk, honk. Please, Rickums, don't hurt him. Rick the Stick Jefferies mailbox, 90-91. I submit that as exhibit A.
00:33:32
Speaker
but yeah Of Rick the Stick being the worst person ever on radio at that Morning Zoo radio show he does here in Smilton. Yes. You cringe with rage and nausea. You do. When you listen to any good-hearted person. what Did you hear that? Can you imagine? I mean, it's radio. Sitting through that on purpose. It's radio. it's yeah hard the molson guy It's hard to tolerate, but we did just give him a spot on our show.
00:33:55
Speaker
Well, again, it's see where Free Speech gets you? You get the cranks, submitting their messages, and what all we can do is echo their sentiments, and it's sickening. I will say that Hot Madison isn't bad. She's pretty good on the radio. She used to have her own show, I think, yeah and probably get a better name than Hot Madison. That's my that's my recommendation. Smart Madison, maybe.
00:34:14
Speaker
Not Hot Madison, actually, that works. You think that's the best one? Yeah, that's all right. Hot Madison, keep going. You're all right. Get away from Rick the Stick Jefferies, who's a scumbag. And anybody who listens to that show, you're part of the problem. I'm calling you out right now. you you You make this guy possible. If no one listened to him, he'd be sitting in his hole bellowing at the sky, and no one would pay him. No, never mind. And he wouldn't lose his job, because it doesn't seem to matter how many people listen to him. The fact that he hasn't lost his job yet is a disgrace. That's all I have to say on the matter, Ms. Elizabeth. Yeah.
00:34:43
Speaker
There's nothing to warm the heart quite like supporting charity and an exciting opportunity to do just that is coming up soon. It's time for the Smilton Casino's annual bottle drive. Support local businesses by giving us your bottles when our canvassers come knocking. This is our third year in a row doing this and we're sure it'll be the most successful campaign yet.
00:35:03
Speaker
A reminder of the ground rules. The bottles must be unscuffed with like-new appearance. No torn-off labels or anything. The corks or caps on the bottles must be fully intact with a like-new appearance. It goes without saying that the liquor in the bottles is pristine and uncontaminated. Wait a minute. Clear some space in your place and support charities. Support something charities do. Win-win. Oswaldus. Mailbox 13013. Sounds like somebody just once donated liquor.
00:35:33
Speaker
ah It's a bottle drive, Miss Elizabeth. They're very picky about their bottles, full of full intact bottles full of liquor, yeah like new appearance. i them Give them up to the casino for charity. I think this is some kind of a scam. I think this is a wonderful opportunity to show your heart, to show your big heartedness, your generosity, this is support a small business like the Smilton Casino. I'm sure they're going to do something good with that booze.
00:36:00
Speaker
This is not a bottle drive, this is a bottle scam. That's what they call it a bottle drive, so I'm going to take them take their word for it. Yo, yo, bop, bop, what's crackin' pranketeers? School may be letting out, but looks like we're letting out a big prankety prank to kick the summer off right. Right. No one hassles Prank Squad X, and if you do, LOL pranked. Ask Austin's dad about what happens to nerds who run their mouths.
00:36:26
Speaker
Oh no. This group's really mean to Austin's dad. He's a nerd. Austin's part of the group and Austin's dad is a nerd and gives him static and they pay for it. Austin's dad is just trying to be a good dad. After Austin stole his dad's nerdy car and crashed it into the liquor store, Austin's dad the nerd grounded austin for like three weeks and he couldn't play any of his consoles which were so lame so me and colt made this deep fake video of austin's dad the nerd why does he call him the nerd
00:36:59
Speaker
cause he earned the title. threatening a bunch of presidents in europe or something so the next thing you know poll's knocking on his door and we're all ha ha later skater you stupid nerd so as he's being flown to oslow or something to face justice austin's having the whole wackety-hack prankty prank prank in the tank crew Prank crew over for some all-night gaming sessions. Looks like the skank done been pranked! Prank squad X go boom! Mr. Henderson's great 5 class for life. Later broskies, Skyler mailbox 199.
00:37:33
Speaker
What a bunch of high-spirited kids. They are high-spirited. They keep calling Austin's dad a nerd. But I think it's not very much fun to be shipped off to Oslo because you got deepfaked. Yeah, that's that's a rough ride. You're threatening. I don't think threatening heads of state is laughed off very much these days. No, but he didn't though. While the video proved otherwise, Ms. Elizabeth's deep fake or not, that's why you gotta think about your actions. You have a kid, your son is in Prank Squad X. You gotta step carefully around him. You gotta stay on his good side. Otherwise you get pranked. That's sort of the mission statement of the group. Yeah, but Austin's dad is in this precarious position where he has to try to lay some laws down for his own child. And as a result, he's getting pranked. That's not right. Just don't be a nerd.
00:38:19
Speaker
case Problem solved. Your pranksters ought to be grateful that you're getting some rules laid down for you. This is good. You're not going to have those rules once you move out. Careful. Careful what you say, Miss Elizabeth. The last thing I need is this show getting pranked. For heaven's sakes. Modesty is a virtue I cherish, but circumstances compel me to point out a few facts that triumphantly vindicate the mission Titanic telescopes has had for more than two decades. Fact number one.
00:38:44
Speaker
A science magazine reported that Italian scientists used their telescopes to see planets from further away than ever before, and guess what? To the man, each planet was flat as a pancake. Fact number two. Deny science all you want, foghorn. Fact number two. Belief in a flat Earth is positively correlated with higher income, reproductive prowess, and that indescribable IT factor.
00:39:12
Speaker
ah Fact number three. also That's not true. what shout yeah That's all you can do, Foghorn, is try to shout it down because you have no counter-arguments. Fact number three, the best source for telescopes to peer into the flat heavens from our flat Earth remains. Titanic telescopes, Titanic telescopes, we'd fall off the edge of the world before we gave you a bad deal on a telescope. Murphy, mailbox 1440. I wish they would fall off the edge of the Earth.
00:39:38
Speaker
Well, I got to hand it to them. they they They've just they've, that you know, you've got to differentiate yourselves from from your competitors. They're the only flat Earth telescope store I've ever heard of. Yeah, but it's just not true that you look through a telescope and see planets that are flat flat as a pancake. Well, I don't know. I haven't used their telescopes. I wouldn't I wouldn't I wouldn't presume to say what I'm going to say. See through those things before I actually take a look, Miss Elizabeth. I got to check things out for myself before I declare anything. Yeah, do your own research, Jason. Maybe take a page from my book.
00:40:12
Speaker
Smilton, start your engines. California dune buggy legend Booty Coombs is going to be driving to Smilton and he's bringing a whole mess of his dune buggy buddies with him. like I can hardly speak, I'm so excited. Booty Boom 2022 will be leaping over Smileton like a TP420 over a sand dune at Sunset. Oh man. Due to the lack of available facilities, Booty Boom will be held in Harvester Square in some kind of dune buggy shanty town. details to come but however we get this to work there's going to be some fun and dune bugging and good times no doubt about it wow and i don't have a mailbox on this one but this one is from uh but gotta be from okay miss elizabeth but that that that was a communique directly sent to me from
00:41:01
Speaker
California Dune buggy legend booty Coombs himself. All right. I am so excited by this. I can't believe there are no facilities available in Smilton in July. And actually, i'll I'll check that I can't believe it because I think there's another event happening at the very same time that ruins everything for everybody, Miss Elizabeth. It's not ruined, everything's booked. That's the opposite of ruined. The Smilton Death Metal Festival making life just that little bit worse. If we can't have an international event like Bodiboom 2022 be hosted properly in our town, it makes us look like an international laughingstock. Well, they are driving around in Doon Buggy, so I'm pretty sure that this shanty town idea is going to work perfectly for them. No, it better. it For all our sakes, it better, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, I love Doon Buggy-ing, by the way. yeah
00:41:44
Speaker
Not enough to support Booty Boom properly and demand that the Smileton Death Metal Festival be shuddered and booted out of town. That's unnecessary. We can do two things at once, Jason. Like an unwanted armadillo. We can do more than one thing at one time. Apparently not. There's no room in the inn for anybody else except the Death Metal Nerd who else. This is gonna work, I'm telling you.
00:42:03
Speaker
Though I'm sure it's redundant by this point, this is a friendly reminder that the Smilton Death Metal Festival will be kicking off next month, but I hardly think you need a reminder. Every station and website in Smilton has been blaring the news for months. Consider this like a fun countdown till Santa comes kind of thing.
00:42:22
Speaker
Oh, that sounds fun. So it looks like it's 11 more sleeps till the festival. Yay. Paint your face and haul your undead carcass into the blasting sunlight for a month of music community and celebration. York mailbox 6650. Awesome. I'm looking forward to that, but you definitely had some trouble reading that message board.
00:42:42
Speaker
I got through it just fine, Miss Elizabeth. It just happened to be peppered with stuff to make my eye twitch with rage, and this Smilton Death Metal Festival is surely top of that list. That last one especially, yeah. No, I congratulate you. You did get through it. This will be the third year in a row that we've had this festival polluting our town, and every year it just gets that little bit worse. It keeps getting bigger and bigger. We had over a million people come to the town last year. We made a bundle for this town every single year. almost It's almost as though the Death Metal Festival is fueling Smilton. fueling our toboggan ride down to Hades. With money, cashola. Miss Elizabeth, it's almost enough to put me off festivals in toto.
00:43:21
Speaker
More old stuff straight from the archives, straight to your heart right here on Hello Smile. And you know what? That message board is starting to build up. So we are going to have some more messages coming up soon. I think as the holiday season begins to dawn upon us, we're getting to Halloween. That's not the holiday season in my books, but when you go to the store, it seems like the holiday season is year round. They're always selling tchotchkes to put in your front yard. I'm not doing a Halloween light show, Miss Elizabeth. We have to. It's not optional. No way. Smile Syndicate HQ will remain a spartan, an entertainment bunker as it always has been. We have to put up like a whole freeze of, you know, like- Do that at your own place, Elizabeth. Try an enormous skeleton. You've seen those enormous skeletons, haven't you? Yes. They're huge. They're bigger than real skeletons. I hate those things, Elizabeth. And I'm no big fan of Halloween.
00:44:11
Speaker
They're scary. But we're going to get through it anyway. Dear listener friend, I hope you enjoyed today's show. We're coming back at you next week. Another episode of Hello, Smileton. But in the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference.
00:44:35
Speaker
So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.