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Jason! Consider it SOLD! Or BOUGHT!
28 Plays3 months ago
The rumors are true. The most astoundingly entertaining podcast of all time just got better! How? Well, you'd better listen and figure that out for yourself and there's no better place to start than this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth are back in action after being away for a while. How were they away? They didn't miss any episodes! Listen and hear the shocking truth.
A classic SMILETON POLICE BLOTTER will see Miss Elizabeth giving us the goods about all the good stuff she hears on the police scanner. Who's watching the watchers? Miss Elizabeth! Well, who's watching her? YOU are, I guess!
Get ready for your life to be improved and pumped up and all that stuff when you get a surge of inspiration from a vintage NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION UPDATE. Hear our co-hosts keep each other honest about their resolutions. Keeping those things isn't something you just do in January.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps
7:41 Smileton Police Blotter (from June 20, 2022)
23:39 SONG – Your Bikini Tells Me Otherwise
27:38 New Year's Resolution update (from May 2, 2022)
Recommended
Transcript
Return from Hiatus and Health Update
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smiles and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Mr. Elizabeth, it's good to see you. I'm feeling alive. You're feeling alive. I'm feeling vivacious. what's that but That's the feeling you get from doing this show. Full of vigor. And from listening to it as well. I trust, dear listener friend. Thanks so much for joining us today. It may sound like, well, we're just picking up right where we left off last week, but we tricked you, dear listener friend. We've been off. We've been off for six or seven weeks. We haven't been doing any new episodes. And yet you heard something new every week. How is that possible? We planned in advance. we busted our arse, building up a huge backlog of shows to deliver to you week in and week out. Because I had an event. Miss Elizabeth had an event. yeah I protested, but she was stubborn. And this event had to take precedence over the show. I had to do it. So what was this event? Well, I had open heart surgery. Oh my goodness, Miss Elizabeth. Not one word of that a joke.
00:01:12
Speaker
It wasn't very funny. No, it wasn't. While you're here with us now, you survived the procedure. I survived it. I'm feeling pretty. Everything's fixed. I can't believe it, actually. Everything's fixed? Yeah, everything is fixed. The heart is beating. I'm glad to hear it. and Let me tell you what, though. I mean, I'm a little concerned that you might have to take the heart beating sounds out of the podcast now.
00:01:33
Speaker
It's so strong we can hear it. It literally is loud enough that you probably could hear it. My goodness gracious. I have a mechanical valve now Jason. Wow. I'm a bionic woman.
00:01:44
Speaker
oh good well that'll calm your attitude down on it yeah bro well you had your operation july 31st july 31st and here we are september 16th and you're you're you're back on the podcasting saddle six weeks yeah and yeah i'm ready to get back to comedy i'm back to laughing laughing is now back on the menu well no kidding sneezing laughing coughing All out. Good to hear, Miss Elizabeth. I'm glad you're back because I was enjoying the time away. I'm not going to lie. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy to be back. Okay, enough. That's enough applause. Miss Elizabeth, day she's she's doing a a really good job in the healing process, but ah one thing that she seems to have forgotten in the hospital is her manners. What?
00:02:34
Speaker
You didn't ask me how my time away was. I haven't been in the studio for six weeks. Were you comfortable? No. Did you break any bones? Because I had a large bone broken.
00:02:45
Speaker
I'm gonna say, you had your travails, I had mine. Okay. Very similar in nature. Oh, let me hear about your travails. Okay, what's the case?
Wildlife Photography Mishap
00:02:54
Speaker
Okay, I went out hunting. Oh. With the sneaky commandos. Okay, well listen, I'm gonna put my, put my, like my cocked eyebrow on pause. Okay. Because maybe if you went hunting with the sneaky commandos, maybe something did happen. Yeah, no kidding. Something happened. You might have stepped into a bear trap and... No, nothing like that. So, of course, the Sneaky Commando Squad is Doctor Gone. Jerry, Lance, they were the only three Commandos who found the time to come out. Did you break any bones? Can I just tell my story, Miss Elizabeth? You're trying to rush me to the end here. I'm worried for you now. I'm not in a good state. I can tell you that much. You had your operation. You got your ribs cracked open. You got your heart open, surgery done.
00:03:34
Speaker
They stalked my heart for that four and a half hours. That was the tale of courage. And I'm going to tell you something that is at least as demanding of courage. And it's surviving what I survived. Really? So we went hunting. And of course, hunting is not really my thing. Were you hunting a very vicious, large,
00:03:51
Speaker
Animal with lots of pointy bits. We weren't sure what we were hunting because we went out there with cameras miss Elizabeth We weren't gonna shoot at things. We were gonna take pictures of them like a photographer hunter. That's right So my buddy's nice sneaky commandos. They're a little rusty. We haven't gone on a mission for a while Yeah, so I thought what better way than to skulk about in the underbrush and uh looking for something to shoot with a camera okay with a camera so uh we went to elk island what was the product going to be pictures of bison at elk island oh okay just pictures for yourself
00:04:26
Speaker
To put on the mission board and said to and then we get the pictures developed in the lab We put them up on the board and then I call the meeting of the commandos and I pointed these pictures and I go look man This is what we did. We snuck up on this bison. We took a picture dad No clue what was going on. This it this is a reminder of how sneaky we need to be on the next mission. Okay, pray The ah target of our attention needs to be as utterly ah clueless as this proud bison. Okay, so kind of like practice and then just like enjoying the product. Yeah. Okay, got it. So it turns out there was a moose in there. A moose. Cause and trouble.
00:05:03
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Now, was it a lone moose or was it a family of moose? Well, we only saw one and Dr. Gone takes one look at the moose and starts yelling, stay right there. Stay right there. Starts charging at it with a camera, waving a camera. Don't charge a moose, especially the big ones. So he got mowed down unceremoniously. oh And then the moose noticed we were all with him.
00:05:24
Speaker
Those moose don't care. And started doing that thing like a bull on a you know Bugs Bunny cartoon. Yeah. Came after each and every one of us. Knocked knocked us all down. A bunch of screaming. Moose took off. And and the bison just stood there. There's all still only one moose. It wasn't a family. One moose. You lucked out. Yeah. Bison didn't care. Yeah, the bison... No, it didn't get in the way. It didn't try to help us or anything. Probably just eating. Yeah, yeah I don't eat... with You know what? That bison can get bent as far as I care. They're ruminants. They're they're just eating.
00:05:52
Speaker
Ms. Lismith, you're missing the point, so but I'm going to say, I'm going to venture that what I went through is probably worse than what you went through. Really? Well, yeah, like and you got cracked, but it was... um Ladies and gentlemen, but but show me your medical degrees. And if you can't, shut it. Because well I got it. If you didn't break one of the largest bones in your body, then I'm going to have to say probably. Your bone got break broken on purpose yeah for a productive reason, to make things better. But the whole bone got broken from top to bottom. Yeah. But my bones nearly got broken by a moose who didn't care.
00:06:31
Speaker
Well, did you crack your skull at all? I might. Miss Elizabeth, it's a terrifying ordeal. i'm And i'm guy that's enough of that. OK. So did you get any photos? The cameras got trampled. Everything was a mess. yeah that that was That was a sneaky commando mission gone awry. The mission failed. It was a total fail. Oh no. So that's why. Foghorn, thanks for jumping. Talk about kicking a guy when he's down. I already admit it. I didn't even have to tell that story. But I did. Because I bring honesty to this show, Miss Elizabeth. And if I'm honest... So you went out there, you got humiliated by a moose.
00:07:08
Speaker
essentially and you got treated like a princess in the hospital so who had it worse you know what they were so nice to me Who has two thumbs and is yeah thinking he got the but ah the the crappy end of this deal? Yeah, maybe. Actually, I'm going to have to still say me. No, I don't think so. Miss Elizabeth, wil can we can argue off air about this. i What's more important right now is that we get to the point of the show, which is to enjoy some comedy and some music. Fun time. I was a heart victim. You were a heart victim, Miss Elizabeth. Now it's time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and freaking get at it again.
00:07:41
Speaker
This ah podcast, this this is the 101st episode of Hello, Smileton. yeah We've been doing this. Is it? Yeah. Wow. Congratulations. We've done 101 episodes of this show, 307 episodes of hello of the Smile Syndicate music hour. We shouldn't break those numbers apart. We should just add them together. 407. 408. That's it. Listen, I don't have any patience for breaking it apart.
00:08:04
Speaker
So what kind of archive is that? I don't even know why we rebranded at some point. I don't know. I don't know. Hellos Mountain is a good name. Hellos Mountain is good, yeah. Maybe we'll combine those backlogs. I like our new pictures. They're more representative of what the town looks like. Well, we got some fixing to do. Maybe we'll combine the archives. Okay.
00:08:20
Speaker
In the meantime, we're going to revisit some classic segments from the very archive of which we speak. And if you don't mind, Miss Elizabeth, I'm going to ask you to make a pick right now. Okay. Eyes closed. Pick something. Get to work. I'm right back to work. My first pick is a hard hitting installment of the Smilton police blotter.
00:08:39
Speaker
I keep my ears peeled, Jason, all over that smile, that police scanner, that Smileton police scanner. yeah And it's because I do this that you're the first to hear about what's going on out in the streets, ah the mean streets of Smileton. Well, I thank you for it.
00:08:54
Speaker
That's how you know all of this stuff. This originally aired as part of episode 293 of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour, which first went out into the world June the 20th, 2022, as part of the episode entitled The Naked Tuba Meltdown.
Smileton Police Blotter Highlights
00:09:12
Speaker
Let's listen.
00:09:13
Speaker
smileton It's a fun town. It's a friendly town. It's and it's a bustling little town, but it's got a steamy stinky underbelly. Stinky! It stinks like corruption and crime and ne'er-do-elism. And blue cheese. And like whatever you want to foul your nostrils with, go ahead because that that will the the actual smell of the streets has nothing on that. Or the other way around, something like that. I'm so worked up because the mean streets are just outside. The thin blue line is the only thing standing between us and trouble. Maleficent, Miss Elizabeth, the eagle-eared scout she always is, keeps her ears on that police scanner and she reports what she hears in... Smiles and police flocked her.
00:10:05
Speaker
On Thursday, 2.53 p.m., officers responded to reports of a disturbance in the downtown area and upon arrival found local busker Ashton Nickleby nude and attacking parked cars with his tuba. Of course. Yeah.
00:10:23
Speaker
I- Foghorn. Even that's beyond the pale for you and I'm surprised. Because Foghorn lets everything go by. nickleby who has recently taken to calling himself the naked tuba Again, doesn't make sense. That's a good, that's good rebrand though for him had been an entertaining passers-by with virtuoso tuba playing with no clothes on. Witnesses report the unclad musician had become agitated after receiving requests for songs that he couldn't play and during the resulting tirade claimed that the ongoing requests had stressed him to the extent that he has developed a full-body rash.
00:11:04
Speaker
uh-huh painful and embarrassing Jason yes officer saw the man smear his body with salve screeching you did this to me before hurling his tuba through the windshield of an escalade Goodness. Nickleby was tased, talked to, tased again, and taken into custody. The tuba was rescued and patched up by Mitch Winchell and is being held at Rock Stallion Guitars until Nickleby can pick it up again. I'll leave it to Mitch Winchell to stick his metal some nose where it doesn't belong. He's just trying to be helpful, I think. I will give you some credit. That's some vivid reporting you're doing there, Miss Elizabeth. I can see in my mind's eye the naked tuba melt down on the streets this mountain.
00:11:43
Speaker
That guy stinks. I just say that. You call his ah tuba playing virtuoso, but he never seems to be able to play anything properly. I've seen him flip his wig more than once when someone asks for Bohemian Rhapsody. But that's very challenging on the tuba, Jason. Yeah, but if you're going to take requests, you've got to be able to meet the requests and get getting agitated, throwing your tube around, taking your clothes off, attacking parked cars. hey That's out of bounds.
00:12:07
Speaker
I don't know why nudity helps with tuba playing, but in his case it seems to. like Because he can't attract enough attention with his playing, so he has to has to be a clown. Alright, you're not a fan. Friday, 1.29 AM. The Westwood neighborhood, woken up from peaceful slumbers, flooded police with reports of an airborne noise deter disturbance.
00:12:29
Speaker
Arriving officers shone their searchlights skyward and determined that the source of the loud foul language being hurled down on the neighborhood was a colorful parrot. After a few choice words for police, the bird disappeared into the night, leaving the earthbound officers stymied. Wow. Well, Miss Elizabeth, I see you're not speculating as the identity of what must be a sociopathic parrot.
00:12:56
Speaker
Why do you think sociopathic based on that description? You told us all that this happened in the middle of the night, flying around the neighborhood, burling abuse at any and all listeners. Uh-huh. That sounds kind of right up some bird that you might know's street. Wait, you're not... I'm talking about bird. Okay. Well, it wasn't... It couldn't have... That does not sound like bird. it No.
00:13:18
Speaker
Okay, this parrot, dear listener friend, if you haven't heard of Bird the parrot, he is a bird that hangs out in Connie's kettle, which is a frequent haunt of Miss Elizabeth and her mystery-solving team. This is a different bird. This bird hurls abuse at me every time. i i Like, not just abuse, I mean blood-curdling profanity. Like, you react physically when you hear the words coming out of this bird's mouth. Well, you do. offensive doesn't even begin to cover it so I wouldn't I wouldn't put it past this little criminal to be flying around getting his jollies off waking people up miss Elizabeth I you know he this bird loves playing a judge jury and executioner when it comes to hassling people on behalf of your mystery-solving team I'm gonna call it out right now the throw away the books
00:14:02
Speaker
The law books just bring justice down on this bird so we can have a quiet neighborhood once in a while. Oh my goodness. I think there might be some of birds. You goofed bird. You goofed. You pissed off the wrong people. I don't think it was bird. I think he has an alibi. An alibi. I doubt it, Miss Elizabeth. It might have been one of his relatives coming to town or a friend or something like that. Don't even introduce that idea that there might be more than one parrot like that in my brain. ah Monday, 3.32 PM, police pursued a purse-snatching suspect on foot through the downtown core and had difficulty with the chase as the suspect was on rollerskates and dressed up in a homemade spider costume. Oh, cool. Kind of like Spider-Man. Yep.
00:14:48
Speaker
Uh, no, not really. But like a real life Spider-Man. No, Spider-Man doesn't actually look like a spider. He does whatever a spider can. ah on roller skates two blocks into the chase the suspect blended into the crowd and made his escape like because of his crazy feet I was complimenting on your reporting now this makes no sense how do you blend into a crowd with a homemade spider costume well maybe he was able to whip it off real fast maybe he became a tuba player yeah miss Elizabeth speculation
00:15:19
Speaker
Smiles and police request that any citizens with information concerning the suspect, and not just, you know, speculation, should call the tip line in order to be eligible for a cash reward and maybe a deal on a t-shirt.
00:15:35
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I will leave aside your hucksterism and I'll just focus on your your commitment to perverting justice in this town. okay This tip line. I love you have mentioned the tip line more than once and you never seem to remember the phone number for it everybody knows the phone number. It's on all the billboards. Okay.
00:15:51
Speaker
That's fine. if you god and just say that yeah We won't say the phone number here because just look out your window. If you're in Smilton, you can see it on the nearby bulletin board. The phone number is there. Everybody knows it. Tuesday, 8.12 a.m. acting on an anonymous tip. That sounds like a made-up story, quite frankly. Which one? the the the The guy in a homemade spider costume. The Spider We're not calling him Spider-Man.
00:16:15
Speaker
That's the last thing we need is a bunch of Hollywood lawyers breathing down our necks. He had super, super speed. At the very least, call him Spiderman. He scuttled really fast, well like a spider. Tuesday, 8.12 a.m., acting on an anonymous tip, multiple Doon Buggy units converged on a large storage shed north of town and apprehended the scoundrel who was cowering within.
The Sky King of Smileton
00:16:39
Speaker
doing their jobs editorializing Terrence Zed that what the so-called sky king of Smilton will trouble our fair town no longer and he should be very comfortable in the recently relaunched Smilton supermax facility I didn't realize this week would be historic for all the wrong reasons miss Elizabeth this This threatens to turn the town topsy-turvy. Smiles in Supermax did ah launch the other day. Yeah. Well, yeah, you can't help but notice it so it's ah it's a Supermax prison facility held aloft by giant air balloons. It's high in the sky. You can't escape it. You also can't break in. You can't break in or out.
00:17:18
Speaker
Yeah, hence the super max. Yeah. While the police blotter is not normally prone to this kind of editorializing. That's a laugh. Let me say that you, Taryn, said have shot your last pellet at a Smilton hot air balloon. Enjoy the flying big-ass, buddy. Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, you better pray this recording doesn't fall into his hands once he's restored to the Sky Throne of Smilton. Dear listener friend, I know you're probably ah shaking your fist at the sky with rage right along with me. The Sky King tried to clear the skies. As Taren said before he proclaimed himself, Sky King, he tried to clear the skies. There were too many hot air balloons. By shooting down hot air balloons.
00:17:57
Speaker
He tried reason. He tried reason, and you continued your efforts to blot out the sun on the weekends. There's so many balloons up there. Those are difficult to patch. It's expensive to get those balloons up in the air. Boo hoo. The Sky King took matters into his own hands. The pellet guns settled a bunch of people's hash. He grounded everybody. He ruled the skies from above with his in his pirate ship-shaped balloon. And then the twists and turns of justice evaded, justice perverted. It's been quite a tale, Miss Elizabeth. He was in that Smilaton Supermax.
00:18:27
Speaker
amateur rocketeers accident accidentally shot the whole works down he escaped he's been on the run for months and you're telling me he's been he's been apprehended and he is safe where he belongs up in the sky locked away I have been praying for the restoration and this is a setback I'll admit it but I'll i'll go underground and get some of our other royalists and we we'll put We'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll plot some of your days for Smildan. Okay, don't announce your plans. I don't. Maybe. I'm announcing them. Okay, Saturday, 12 23 p.m. I'm, I can't believe that. miss It's the Sky King, Miss Elizabeth. It's big news. Wait, wait, sweet. yeah you yeah You can't be doing that kind of thing.
00:19:05
Speaker
He's royalty, Miss Elizabeth. He's not. You saw the Golden Age the town was in when he ruled us from the skies. We live in a democracy, not an autocracy. We don't we don't live under the rule ah of an oppressive king. The only oppression I see is the hotter balloons clogging the sky once again. Well, I look forward to getting back up in there. It's going to be good. i'm looking I'm basically planning it. All the patchwork is looking a little festive. Enjoy it while it lasts. Thank you.
00:19:33
Speaker
ah Intend to irritated officers. This is Saturday 12 23 p.m. Irritated officers were forced to respond to a disturbance even though it was the weekend and Upon arriving at the sorry at the Smiles and UFO landing pad what they found was less a barbecue and more a ruckus Jeepers.
00:20:08
Speaker
Boy, that UFO landing pad really attracts the best and brightest, doesn't it, Miss Elizabeth? Okay, the dispute centered on which which was the more appropriate way to welcome potential alien visitors, and had degenerated into foul language, root gestures, and a non-negligible amount of tussling. Yes.
00:20:30
Speaker
officers set their tasers to stun and got to work on the Mr. Spock's, which ended the fray in short order. Well, for once the police did the right thing. ah Can you imagine Mr. List? I don't know why they all had to dress up as Mr. Spock. That doesn't make much sense. Everybody wants to be Mr. Spock. Not one part of this actually makes any sense. Why we have a UFO landing pad? Why these groups of people assumed a landing was imminent? Let's take these one at a time. We have a UFO landing pad because we have UFOs.
00:20:57
Speaker
So we provide a landing pad, we provide it so that the UFOs have a place to land, which is sanctioned by Smilton. So they don't have unsanctioned landings.
00:21:09
Speaker
No, Miss Elizabeth, use this is suspicious, to say the least. but This is nonsense? It's a research center, so a lot of other work gets done. research You said the word boondoggle incorrectly, Miss Elizabeth. This is a multi-billion dollar facility staffed by hundreds of scientists. their Their radar dishes and telescopes pointed skyward. It takes a while to profit from the breaks of science. All awaiting visitors that shall never come. You're not anti-science, are you?
00:21:37
Speaker
I'm pro-science Miss Elizabeth, good but I'm anti-boondoggle, and I'm anti-nonsense, so I can't help you. And but and maybe maybe those Mr. Spocks got a little bit of reason shocked into them from those tasers. They're very logical. They were the more logical. Sailor Moon is pretty a pretty fantastical group. Yeah, growth of those both of those groups of people. yeah Tasing should have been a round-robin affair, I think.
00:22:07
Speaker
Well, the law never sleeps, crime never sleeps, and you know who else never sleeps? Who? The Smileton police flatter. Thank you very much for that gritty view of those mean streets of Smileton. You learned a few things. I did. I learned that this- I like to challenge your worldview sometimes. Oh, no kidding. And you've thrown your support behind the anti-royalists? They've spit at the throne, spit at the crown?
00:22:32
Speaker
whoa but tied them whoa but tires but tied us all miss Elizabeth that deal with us i'm gonna make sure the sky king knows i had nothing to do with this he knows he knows that i should hope so classic hilarity yeah and information news you can use yeah right here on hello smilton smilton police blotter it's before the news it comes before it's what comes before the news it's It's news to me, Miss Elizabeth. yeah You get a sense of, ah it's not all a picnic and wine and roses in this town. It's the mean streets, tough business goes down, the police gotta get involved, heads get cracked. It's hard facts, it's less and less editorializing. Yeah, okay, Miss Elizabeth, you showed rare restraint in that segment. And I'm gonna say, let's celebrate with a song by the Smile Syndicate. ah We're gonna just crank it up right now, because it's time to boogie.
00:23:25
Speaker
I think you should feature a piece of clothing that I am not afraid of wearing still. Even with the whole repair job? With my glorious repair job fully on show. Your bikini tells me otherwise. Let's listen.
00:24:05
Speaker
Tells me other
00:27:12
Speaker
Your bikini tells me otherwise, but Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile Syndicate. That's the remix, Miss Elizabeth. The original version that came out on the I Won't Waffle album. That is different than this one. So you can go to Spotify, your listener friend, and compare for yourself. The differences will shock you. Spotify has over 50 Smile Syndicate songs. And any, or if you're not a Spotify person, any digital streaming platform will do ya. That's right.
00:27:38
Speaker
What's your second pick, Ms. Elizabeth? We've got more fun to get you. Do we not? Fine. Okay. My second pick is an energizing edition of the New Year's resolution update. Even though this thing, yeah, this thing is two years old, the struggle to keep to our resolutions continues. And Jason, we don't run out of a resolution just because the year turns over. They're additive. The clock means nothing to me and I spit at the calendar. their additive, and I'm sure that this particular set will inspire you to redouble your efforts to keep your own resolutions, dear listener friends. Indeed. This comes to us from episode 286 of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour, which was called Weird Cuddle Club, which first aired May the 2nd, 2022, which was a great year for us as it turns out. Let's go.
00:28:27
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, time to it's time to knuckle down and face the music. Yeah.
New Year's Resolutions
00:28:32
Speaker
New Year's resolution update. ah It's easy to shoot your mouth off at the beginning of January about all the big time stuff you're going to be doing as part of your resolutions. But do you ever think about it again after the third week of January? We're keeping ourselves honest. They go by the wayside. So we've got to keep ourselves honest right here right now. So we're going to go rapid fire, machine gun style, back and forth. How are these resolutions doing so far as we enter the very month of May?
00:28:58
Speaker
Yeah, okay. So I'm gonna start. Okay. I'm gonna ask you about this baffling ah resolution. It's not baffling. Stay mindful during the day. That's right. Not just during meditation time. Yeah, that's the whole point of meditating is that you get to become mindful and then you can be mindful all throughout the day and have a what we would call a nicer day. it's So basically this is keep on thinking.
00:29:22
Speaker
And I have succeeded in doing that, Jason. I think all the time, Miss Elizabeth, and I didn't need any resolution to tell me that at all. Oh, good for you. So how did how did you ah did you do with this one then? Figure out how to eat and sleep at the same time for Bofo.
00:29:39
Speaker
I'm reading your words yes for boffo time savings. You're going to eat and sleep at the same time. So before you answer, just a quick question. I knew today was a day you're going to be inventing new words. When the heck is boffo? Boffo is not a new word, Miss Elizabeth. It means a great amount. A great amount? Lots. Boffo time savings, Miss Elizabeth. There's no other way to describe what would be the result of combining eating and sleeping. Okay. Two things that are frankly pests.
00:30:06
Speaker
How are you going to eat while you're sleeping? And isn't this like a difficult, isn't this going to be difficult to maintain your weight control? That's a good question, Miss Elizabeth, because that's why the resolution is figure it out. You're thinking about... Have you done it yet, though? Hey, your resolution, I got to use my brain. I just got to keep thinking. I'm saying I'm going to put my mind to a complicated problem. And that's how do I eat and sleep at the same time? Have you figured it out? After resolution, I'm still working on it, Miss Elizabeth. This is going to take a full year to puzzle through. OK.
00:30:35
Speaker
Leave an inspirational note on the windshield of a car. That's right. Do this every day. Yes, well I have been doing this all in the last week. I have. What? So you've been littering.
00:30:48
Speaker
No, no, no. I've been adding a little note to people's cars just to be inspirational. And do you think you've improved the general tenure of the town? Seems that way. Or are people enraged by having their vision obscured by these massive pieces of paper you're leaving? Well, they're not massive. They're sort of like in the size of like a ticket that you might get from police. But then when people open them, all of a sudden, they are so happy that it isn't a police. And instead, it's an inspirational note. I always keep these anonymous, Jason. This is explaining. because I saw like three people walking towards their car they start getting close they start freaking out and start throwing rocks at it breaking their windshields because they thought they had a traffic parking ticket nobody nobody throws rocks at their own cars Jason explain my explain what I saw
00:31:35
Speaker
I mean, I did this, I did this. Oh, okay, so did you do this one? Sorry, one thing I'm gonna say, why you should just get paid for that. Go work for a restaurant. Leave flyers around since you since you love messing with people's cars all day. Might as well make money. down Sounds like somebody needs an inspirational note on their windshield. Stay away from my hatchback.
00:31:53
Speaker
Okay, so here's yours then. Sneak 10,000 hours in somewhere to master something so that when I show the skill or knowledge, everyone's all, I didn't know you could do or that you knew that, and I'd be all just flex. That's right.
00:32:10
Speaker
You know, you yeah yeah I heard somebody told me about a podcast they listened to and some guy said, if youve got it if you want to be the master of something, you got to do it for like 10,000 hours. How are you going to sneak in 10,000 hours? There's only 24 in each day. And some of that is spent eating and sleeping at the same time. So those have been collapsed into a tiny little morsel.
00:32:29
Speaker
I'm leaving me much more time to easily sneak the 10,000 hours into my leisure. I will become a master of something or- You can't wait a minute. You're not gonna sneak more than 24 hours into one day. Well, yeah, Miss Elizabeth. I'm not doing the 10,000 hours in a row.
00:32:43
Speaker
So how many solid days is that do we have a do we have a mathematician? No, I don't miss I don't need that Miss Elizabeth because I know I'm already on the path to mastering that an area of knowledge and or skill I'm gonna be flexing all over the place. Okay is I should do two of them at the same time double up Oh my figure that out. Yeah, like eating and sleep I'm gonna collapse all my time into one neutron star productivity and You need a time machine. You need that special necklace like what Hermione had so that she could turn time back. I i don't need fensible imaginings, Miss Elizabeth. I just i just need proper time management. and That's what I'm working on. You live here in Smileton where time doesn't run exactly like it does everywhere else in the world. if you Can't dance on the outside. Dance on the inside. I'm doing it right now, Jason. Jibberish. I'm doing it right now. You can't dance on the inside. Miss Elizabeth, if you're dancing and on the inside, get yourself to a hospital. Guess who can't prove that I'm not currently dancing on the inside? This guy. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I.
00:33:41
Speaker
Yes, I can, Miss Elizabeth. You are not dancing on the inside because dancing requires the ah timed rhythmic motion to music. I hear no music i've got it until the end of the show. I've got it in my head. Okay, so here's yours. I know I could be using my toaster for like five other things. Figure those out. Yeah. I can't wait. I can't wait.
00:34:02
Speaker
Oh, yeah piggyback ride my coattails. Why don't you I'm putting the work in and you want to just enjoy the spoils my resolution I'm gonna have to let what is it and it? It heat. Yeah light. Yeah warm air fire. Yeah ill war to Four five five different things right there. So how we gonna use electricity power of the things heat keep the house warm Yeah light read a book Okay, I thought you were going to amplify that light, amplify that heat, increase the draw on the electricity so you can power other things. This thing is going to be the hub. You want to talk about your wireless units from these tech companies. Well, it sounds like you actually have figured all these things out. Your whole friend the toaster can run your house for you. Okay, well, I have left a note with this Smilton Handsome Firefighters. So just in case you have a toaster related fiery accident. I'm gonna figure out the toaster will how the toaster can also put the fire out. Okay, here's I'm doing yours Elizabeth have a picnic in an unusual location bright in the day of everyone who sees you do it That's right reckless and it lets people know you can't picnic there No, you can't miss Elizabethy you can't be picnicking in the middle of the road on the island in the middle of the road in the middle of a shopping mall or a
00:35:17
Speaker
Courthouse you can actually I mean until the security guard comes and asks you to leave. Yeah, and then you know what happens Their day is brightened. No and sometimes they join you especially if it's Smiles and it could have been I don't know if you've noticed this but when Smiles and police show up on a scene They more often than not just join in with whatever's happened I do know that that happens miss Elizabeth, but you can't go causing trouble on purpose. you You're your trouble. It's a Security could be just enjoying a coffee. It's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I think 24 hours in the Hooskow will cool your enthusiasm for these reckless picnic endeavors. You're just mad because you can't sleep while you're picnicking. like leave me to That's next month. What's my next one? Alright, I'm pretty sure I could be a real estate agent with no training. Sell some houses, make some money, live a little. Boom, boom and boom.
00:36:08
Speaker
You think you don't need any kind of training or knowledge to be a real estate agent? I can figure out how to get in a house. You put me in a house I've never been to, I can find the bathroom in 30 seconds flat. Yeah, if you really have to go. So there's a bathroom upstairs, there's a bedroom, there's a living room down here, there's a kitchen. It's nice and clean in here. I see you got your backyard, you got your windows, there's a roof up there. They're asking $300,000 for the house. That's pretty cheap. Miss Elizabeth, it's a bad neighborhood. Okay, well, why are you selling houses in a bad neighborhood? Because I'm a real estate agent and I can sell any house. You don't have any quibbles and qualms. Didn't you see the bus bench, Miss Elizabeth? Yeah. Jason's houses? Jason puts you in your house of your dreams. Too long. Too long. Call Jason and have the house of your dreams become reality when you buy the house from Jason. That's too long. It has to be Jason's homes or Jason's
00:37:05
Speaker
Jason, consider it sold or bought.
00:37:10
Speaker
Okay, you're gonna suck at that and I will walk. Aww. Thanks for the support. Well, Miss Elizabeth, ok listen I support you and your resolutions. I support you finding better ones. I support you trying. That was pretty weak soup, the ones you were presenting today. That's unpleasant of you to say that. but I'm just trying to bring joy to people. You're you're trying to like white knuckle things and do things without any training or that's life put the time in. or life more old stuff right here in Hellas Mountain. Miss Elizabeth Charming. It it tells you that when you have resolve, when you stick to something, it it it makes you a living legend. ah The more backlog of successful resolutions that you can claim that you've held to will surely inspire your brethren. It's more about more and more and more resolutions, less about the more and more difficulty. I know you take a different stand, but I think if you do yeah do more things that are easy, but make yourself give yourself those check marks. I do real resolutions and you do silly puff pieces. I do silly puff pieces and I give myself check marks with fuzzy pens. I do. Well, Ms. Elizabeth, I'm giving us a check mark for the first new episode in a while.
Closing Remarks and Future Plans
00:38:22
Speaker
We're going to be back with you, dear listener friend, next week for an all new edition of of ah Hello, Smileton. And I'll be back too. Ms. Elizabeth is bragging about her newly functioning heart and she's going to go run around the the block or something.
00:38:35
Speaker
Oh, you know what? I should go do some of your 91 other podcasts. I should post a recording of my heart. You can literally hear it when I record my chest outside of my chest with just that super loud now. It's so loud. It's going tick. And if you make this show harder to edit, Miss Elizabeth, I swear. It never stops, Jason. anyway Hopefully not. It never stops. Miss Elizabeth, this one's done, but it's been fun.
00:38:57
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more, Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me, but not for long, folks. I'll be back. See you next week, and as always, remember, friend, the sun is the jukebox.