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Get Some Help, Your Majesty
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Like a blazing lighthouse, let this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, guide you gently to the shores of entertainment fulfilment.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth are chomping at the bit to deliver a crackerjack assortment of comedy and original music good times and they've crammed as much of each into this tidy little episode as was humanly possible.
The Smileton Death Metal Festival 2024 is winding down and it's none too soon for Jason as he relates a travesty of an incident that happened to his rock-loving buddy Lance and his store Musique By Lance in the latest SMILETON STORY.
Miss Elizabeth brings the latest headlines from here in Smileton to life and reads them like a real news reporter and everything in a scintillating edition of the SMILETON NEWS.
Two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE will juice up this show to almost unbearable extremes of fun. So buckle up, pal 'o mine – it's gonna be a ride.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
5:41 Smileton Story – Musique by Lance Gets ROCKED
22:24 SONG – Banana Bus
25:06 Smileton News
37:39 SONG – Infinity Machine
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Welcome
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileson! Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason! Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. Hello, dear listener friends. Thanks so much for joining us today. You're listening to this podcast episode. You made your choice out of the thousands that are available and we thank you for it. yeah And now that you've made your choice, we've made it ours to deliver the very best in comedy and musical entertainments. We will try. Yeah.
00:00:37
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, no trying, just doing and doing again.
Impact of Smileson Death Metal Festival
00:00:41
Speaker
OK, there is no try. That's what's going to happen on today's show. And I'm looking at the calendar and it's making me feel a little jolly, not just because we're in the throes of summer and it's been a beautiful summer. That's always good. It helps. But also 29 is pretty close to 31 and 31 is the last day of the Smiles and Death Metal Festival. Yeah. ah the The long national nightmare will be over soon, and the clouds will part. The birds will sing again in Smilton, Miss Elizabeth. I can hardly wait. The grass will be even greener, the sky ever bluer. And the the the good people of Smilton will return to normalcy, and all the death metal locusts that have swarmed into town will go back to their underground crypts. Parts unknown, get out of here, you three million lottie and ne'er-do-wells. You're talking about literally the townspeople and some visit, like many visitors. Three million visitors this year, Ms. Elizabeth. They, they, they, they counted them. Yes, I know. But many of those people are just going to take off their costumes and live here. Like, as you know, it's a wonderful promotional event for the town of s Smileton, which always grows in surges and leaps and bounds during July and the following few months when people decide that they are going to live in our fair town. I agree with you. It's a good reason to shut the festival down.
00:01:55
Speaker
But what I'm saying is, be nice to those people. They're literally your neighbors. Okay, Ms. Elizabeth, you're reacting as though this is my own like personal hang-up, my own obsession that that I'm a weirdo and an outsider because people don't share this viewpoint and I gotta tell you I'm wrong and I'm gonna share an
Fictional Story and Humorous Blame
00:02:15
Speaker
anecdote. Okay. all right so i'm you know So it's not just death metal narrative elves. There are normal people still here in Smalton, the good citizenry. And many of them, Miss Elizabeth, I'm going to be frank with you because we're near the end of the festival. Some of them are blaming me for this. For what? They're blaming me for the festival.
00:02:33
Speaker
Instead of blaming you, instead of blaming Jorg, instead of all the people who organized this thing, they blame me. And why? Because it's somewhat your fault. It is not my fault. It's because of the the perceived ineffectuality of the Smough and Betterment Society. oh They're saying, you hey, Jason, you started this thing to make the town better. It's not better with this festival going on. that this this This society of yours kind of stinks. I don't believe that. it's got Okay. I'll tell you, this kid came up to me, unbidden, and he said, if if we can't save the town, if the if your good, betterment society can't save the town, then I don't know if I believe in anything anymore. A kid said that to you? A kid came right up to me and said it. And said that to you like an adult essay. He said, I don't know. And the kid's wise beyond his years. And and then he goes, ah you know what? Upon reflection, I don't blame the Betterment Society. I blame the town that didn't support it.
00:03:29
Speaker
Many of those words and the structure of the line... I patted that kid on the count his big capped head and and gave him a dime to go to the malt shop. okay and And the kid went on his way and I said, well, and he was happy I got work to do. Well, he the kid's distracted with the malt shop. What was the kid's name? but How do I... I didn't know the kid. Was the kid a boy or a girl? oh How old was this boy? Eight to twelve. Eight to twelve, okay. This story is not true. This is just something that you want to say. Did you hear the words that came out of that little tykes mouth? What did he say? He said he doesn't blame me. He doesn't blame your good betterment society. He blames the town that allowed this to happen.
00:04:11
Speaker
no for destroying his childhood. the He was offended at the notion. The content, the vocabulary, the structure, and the whole concept, the whole feeling of the thing, is not what a child comes out of a child's mouth. So what are you saying? I'm saying that's not true. Miss Elizabeth, i will I'll give you this. If it's not literally true, it rings true to me. Okay. Well, I was going to say that people were blaming you for the Death Metal Festival because of how you've promoted York. I haven't promoted him. You have promoted him because you stopped his podcast and you yet you prevented his podcast. You've made him go slightly insane false for a time. And when he got out, then the death metal news was being hosted on our show. And then death metal took off like wildfire. that's And then after that, the death metal festival started. right
00:05:02
Speaker
So how, yeah again, if you're telling me I should have done a better job at shutting York down, nipping that thing in the bud before this got going, I agree with you. But apart from that, I am blameless. You're just missing the whole point. Anyway, did this child feel happy after at the end? I can see that there was no actual child, Miss Elizabeth. they The kid was a representation of the town's true sentiment. It rings true. And yeah dear listener friend, take that little kid's message to heart. I appreciate that you admitted that so quickly. There's a bigger truth involved here than in in in then in the the trivial details of my daily activities. I agree. Fiction can contain facts. Exactly. So i'm I'm going to tell you a true story right now that will help illustrate the impact this death metal festival is having on our
Lance's Guitar Store Antics
00:05:46
Speaker
town. You've got a story for us? I got a story. Something happened to me this week and you might know, you know the ending of this story, but don't flap your app and give it away. Is it anything to do with the death metal festival? Yes. Okay.
00:05:57
Speaker
So, I'm getting bombarded from all sides by this death metal stuff, so I seek refuge. I go to the food court, I go to the Smilton Mall food court, and I go to Musique by Lance, the best guitar store in town run by my buddy, Lance Brock, and it's frequently, I just go there to people watch, I'm not buying axes all the time. Not all the time. Not all the time. But there's so much fun stuff going on down at that store. It behooves you to go shop there. It's a hangout for you really. so It is a hangout. I went down there and Lance was in the middle of shooing out a death metal family, getting them out of the store. A whole family who's there to buy things?
00:06:37
Speaker
yeah Yes. Okay. ah Miss Elizabeth, that he doesn't want that death metal stuff around. he's he' He's feeling a bit guilty if it comes down to it because this last month has been like his best month in the last five to 10 years. Yeah, because every single year the death metal festival gets bigger and bigger. Right, so they come flooding in. They're buying all kinds of equipment. People are inspired to play guitar. Lance just rakes the cash in and shakes his head because there is this is just so wrong. He's trying to correct them. He's like, I'll take your money. Here's your instrument of ah rock destruction. But cram this death metal ass. Play some proper rock music. Get your head out of your arse. He's trying to help his customers, Miss Elizabeth, and he's feeling like he's a sellout right now.
00:07:22
Speaker
And he's a soul in torment. But he is making money. so He's making lots of money. Maybe he can start repairing his store. ah get We'll get to that, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, good. So he's he he's been trying to spread the good word of rock against the tsunami of death metal. And he noticed that his arch competitor, Mitch Winchell, runs that antiseptic Safeway guitar store. You could experiment with viruses in that place. It's an antiseptic clean lab germ lab thing. Okay. Again, I have to say this over and over again because it is the opposite of rock. You know, there's no mystery. It's like that Safeway meat aisle. Okay, if Lance is like, how does Mitch keep his place so clean? The way is you just hire someone to do it. He doesn't want it clean, but what he did notice was Mitch has been doing live streams.
00:08:13
Speaker
yeah from his store and getting a big audience for that, so Lance decided to get to do that himself, Miss Elizabeth. Mitch Winchell doesn't own the patent on live streams. No, no, live streaming is a good idea. ah Lance is allowed, so he put a GoPro on his head, okay and he's just going about his day. Gives a tour of his store, picks up a guitar, rocks out, ah ah talks to people, a goes for a walk. Miss Elizabeth, it's it's the life of the rock practitioner. Okay, good idea. Have you thought of doing this yourself? and I'm struggling to keep up with current events. so elizabeth I can't plan my own schemes right now. Maybe next month. All right. So Melinda came by and this is on the livestream. Her boyfriend is starting to get into death metal now. ah So she's all ah dressed up.
00:09:02
Speaker
She's got death metal makeup on, Miss Elizabeth. yeah Everybody does. She's you know she's just following following along with her dimwit boyfriend. So of course, Melinda is also Lance's main squeeze. So he's not going to he's not going to put up with that death metal nonsense. Right. They're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but Lance just really likes her. yeah It depends who you talk to, what the status of their relationship is, Miss Elizabeth. So Lance gives her a proper scolding for dressing up as Death Metal, because that's not on. Wait, that's not on. That's not how a main squeeze for a rock icon in this town. Oh no, I'm sorry. That's not how a proper lady conducts herself. Fog Horn, quiet. You're not Miss Manners. I'm not asking you for one thing, Fog Horn.
00:09:41
Speaker
That's it. is so he he and So this is on camera, hilariously enough. She gets annoyed. and then he And then in clear view of the camera, she goes into the till. takes It but takes a bit of but walking around money. That's what she does. Ugh, Miss Elizabeth, you see the bad influence death metal is having on that woman? At this point, that's not even theft. Like, you know, dating Melinda, you know what she's gonna do. Okay, well, Miss Elizabeth, award what a cynical outlook. She's gonna take your money. What a cynical outlook. I blame death metal. It's not cynical. She was born that way. What a foul thing to say, Miss Elizabeth. I didn't say she's born that way. She was. She learned that behavior from somewhere and it sure wasn't the world of rock. I'm just saying that she's not gonna stop doing it. Okay, that's fine. that's that's not the i'm This isn't the but the Melinda story, Miss Elizabeth. So and Lance had far more important things to do. he So he scolded his main squeeze, mission accomplished, and then he sat down at the computer, and he's looking right at the screen, and the GoPro's on his head, so you can see what he's doing. He's typing up reviews of Mitch Winchell's burger experience. okay Reviews? Like multiple reviews? You're not allowed to do that.
00:10:46
Speaker
Well, it's only one review per user, right? He represents multiple users in so in the first one. He was pretending to be or I mean, he ah assumed the persona of an exchange student. That's no better. That's no better. He was a Swedish exchange student who got food poisoning from those rancid burgers. So that's not what he is. And he did not get food poisoning. It's true in spirit, Miss Elizabeth. And it's funny. and So he's messing around with his competitors. And that's what competition is all about. OK. So yeah and then so lots of those reviews get posted. ah or He's really trying to bring Mitch Winchell's burger experience down from that five star level that it's at. But that's tough going because the place is freaking bulletproof, which is annoying. Burgers are delicious.
00:11:30
Speaker
So eventually tried their new burger with i knock misless with I'm starving as it is. I'm not going to talk about burgers. mean I'm so hungry. I would even consider you can't even bite the whole thing with one bite. I'm so hungry. I would eat a burger, even though it would be guaranteed to give me food poisoning. It would not give you food poisoning. It does. So Lance has still got the the camera on and he eventually forgets that he's live streaming. So he goes and microwaves some Red Bull, heats it up. That's what he normally drinks through the day to keep him peppy. Why does he microwave it? I've got an extra kick or something. He said there's a chemical reaction when you heat it up. So he puts it in like a cup, like a tea cup? No, he heats it up in the can. In the microwave? Yeah. Doesn't the microwave explode? Yeah. Oh. It sparks a lot anyway. He says that's how he knows it's done. Okay. So I'm not going to, you can go, if you watch the live stream you would have seen all the sparks. Is this like a fad right now? People microwaving Red Bull? It is now.
00:12:28
Speaker
Okay. I hope this next part isn't a fad though, because he also went into the bathroom and he forgot he had his... Okay. So that was a 19 minute ordeal the world didn't need to see. 19 minutes? Was he fixing his makeup? No. Miss Elizabeth, he was... He was fighting the good fight. I'll just say that. All right, so mascara then. The stakes couldn't have been higher.
00:12:52
Speaker
So he's fine now, and I wouldn't call that ah that kind of stuff effective advertising, but it was a worthy decision.
00:13:05
Speaker
But it kept our minds off, like, because we were ah we were gathered around the computer. your mind off It keeps your mind off the big pile of bat guano that's going on in the middle of the store. There's so many death metal people in there, I can i barely notice the guano on the floor. He does not need to associate his store with a number two any anymore than it already is.
00:13:24
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, while Lance was in the bathroom struggling mightily, the rest of us were gathered around the computer at the till and boy we were snickering. That was hilarious and it distracted us briefly from the endless flood of death metal people coming in there. Did no one offer any assistance whatsoever? A glass of water? That was man versus nature by that point. Or maybe just like some sound? He emerged victorious, but that's all we need to say. I didn't mean for this to be a big distraction. Did you all applaud when he came out? It was uncomfortable because we saw the whole thing on 4k video.
00:14:00
Speaker
So, but this didn't slow down the death metal people from coming in, coming in the store. And they're just taking up too much space. They're buying too much stock. They're leaving hardly anything left good for the rock buying public. Amazing. Disgraceful. So then the the floor starts shaking. Oh, and the people start making nervous noises and Sandy comes out of the back room, Lance's cousin, Rock Lobster, the store mascot. He's got the Rock Lobster costume on and he goes, ah don't worry, folks, just a little earthquake. Nothing to be nervous about. And Lance is, oh, what the F? That's not an earthquake. That's a volcano.
00:14:36
Speaker
So they start arguing back and forth. Of course, there are no volcanoes anywhere near
Community Unites to Fix Festival Damage
00:14:40
Speaker
Smilton. There shouldn't be. Mount St. Helens is probably the nearest active volcano. It's quite a distance away, Jason. yeah we will get Yeah, the next time that baby goes off, we'll get hit with ash, but we're not where it's not shaking the foundations right now, that's for sure. We'll get a little ashfall. So they start brawling over this question, Miss Elizabeth, much to the delighted mint of the of the death metal ne'er-do-wells. But we are in the middle of the death metal festival. Yes, they are. Yes, we are. okay So then Vance comes up, he separates them and he goes, you you come on, you idiots. It's not a volcano. It's not an earthquake. It's that f'ing the head festival. Yeah. Making noise because they're underground in the catacombs now and they're doing shows down there, too. And it's shaking the the above land dwellers. OK, so there's a concert going on directly underneath Lance's
00:15:25
Speaker
Yes. When it's a store. i don't know Sometimes when a noise is loud, it can make a little shaking sound, feel like it can make the ground feel like it's shaking. i Yes. which Not a little bit, a lot, enough that that it confused well-meaning people into thinking it was either an earthquake or a volcano. We needed that loud to really, really feed our souls with that death metal energy. oh Yeah. And who cares about the rest of us? I hear you. So the the two of those brawlers get separated, and Sandy decides to lighten the mood a little bit. Sandy the Rock Lobster. Sandy the Rock Lobster. He's dressed as a Rock Lobster most of the time. Yes! He feels more comfortable in that get-up, and it also gives him license to do the hilarious humping thing. Okay. Miss Elizabeth, that will never not make me laugh, but he's got a new a he's got a new element to the act now that he broke out ventriloquism.
00:16:18
Speaker
Oh. so He gets up on the counter with a ventriloquist dummy, which was nude, which was weird. Is it also dressed up as a rock lobster? It was nude. Oh. A nude ventriloquist dummy? Odd. Yeah. So does this act is off kilter even before he see gets going. And basically, he's like an insult ventriloquist. OK. So he is still the death metal people are gathered around. He starts insulting them like, nice comb over fatso. And hey, lady, you make my fat aunt look like she just ate a school bus. So he really wasn't getting it.
00:16:53
Speaker
hey That's funny, Miss Elizabeth, you look baffled and so did many of the people watching this. They couldn't believe what they were hearing. Actually, I'm still trying to figure out what a naked ventriloquist dummy must look like. Oh, yeah bizarre and off-putting and off-kilter. That's what that looked like. So I'm assuming it's not anatomically correct. We're going to move on to the next topic, Miss Elizabeth, because people tend to love ventriloquism, but when you get exposed to an act like that, it actually does put you off eventually, yeah if you work at it enough. Sandy's doing his best, though he's he's he sees that his prepared material isn't going over too well, so he starts going he starts riffing. And he goes, it stinks in here. Which one of you death metal nerds farted? And it was Lance, probably. Miss Elizabeth, I don't think there was any such smell to report.
00:17:40
Speaker
But but but the the the the laughter is tapering off, for sure, by this point. so the yeah The act is failing, the act is failing, and the constant noise from the Death Metal Festival, it hadn't gone away and it starts building even louder. yeah Louder and louder. Soon the whole building starts shaking. Okay, I think this is what happens when there's a bit of a resonance vibration going on. Yeah, I don't know what there's something wrong with the Earth's crust right underneath the store. Yeah, it just got worse. It isn't rockin' Miss Elizabeth. It's rockin' hard. So Lance just starts screaming Mayday. Mayday, rock travelers, Mayday. Everybody starts, he's getting everyone out of the store like a captain going down with his ship. What is anybody supposed to do when you shout Mayday? I mean, obviously it means help me, but- Help me, rock travelers. Okay. It's this reflex, Ms. Elizabeth, to call upon the rock community for help in dire circumstances. And what were they supposed to actually do? Help him! What, how? Stop this infernal shaking.
00:18:41
Speaker
OK, but how could and nobody can do that? Miss Elizabeth, he was calling to the rock gods as well. okay it It was a plea to the heavens. It was a prayer. It was a death metal prayer. It was a rock and roll prayer, Miss Elizabeth. Fortunately, we all get out of there and then there's this creaking sound. Half the store falls over, foul Miss Elizabeth. And he just got through fixing the store yeah not long ago after his buddy Vance drove over the store in his truck. We just raised it like a barn. Yeah, well, guess what? you're You're starting to get ahead of the story here a little bit. okay Because we're we're standing there mortified. The music by Lance has been rocked to the foundations, but it wasn't rock. Literally. Yes, I know literally. Which is what he always asks to do. Hence the shame, hence the humiliation, because it was not rock responsible for this. It turns out it was rock, and it turns out he didn't like it after all. it wasn't Maybe he doesn't like rock and roll.
00:19:36
Speaker
Maybe Lance doesn't like rocks. I am gobsmacked by the outrageous assertion you just made. The guy's commitment to rock is unshaken even when the gods taunt him. It's literally shaken, though. Ms. Lismithier, you're flummoxing me now!
00:19:52
Speaker
I'm about to tell us part of the story that you're familiar with now because a work truck pulls up. I guess somebody heard the clarion call from Mayday, Mayday to Mayday, Mayday. It was Lacey from Lacey's hot screw and hot tub pick apart. yeah She has a work truck. She does construction stuff as well. She knows how to put buildings up and fix things. She's handy. She gets out there and then she turns out she's put out a call for help. So a bunch of people start showing up with equipment, tools, even that near to off Stacy that's in her band. who's always showing up. We see the dust in the distance, some vehicle flying towards us. We get nervous because every time that happens, it's Stacy coming out and attacking us and slapping wrestling moves on us. But that's not what happened this time. She joined in. She was ready to help. And the next thing we know, all these death metal ne'er-do-wells with clogs and ladders. Straw hats. And and they they just got to work, Miss Elizabeth. And you I saw you there, old-fashioned barn raising. I was there. I can't resist a good old fashioned barn raising. don't mean I told you last week. If you want to raise a barn, I'll be there. Good. Because the the store was fixed up in no time flat. You're welcome. Better than new. Unfortunately, there were no holes in the roof anymore. yeah It was an intact roof. So Lance was so happy that his store got fixed. He went up there with a sledgehammer and he punched that hole right back into the roof. I don't understand that. The hole that was there before, the hole that gave that storage character
00:21:17
Speaker
Why? Why did he do that? Because it's part of the style, it's part of the ambience of the store. So I'm telling you, this ended up being a good story. The people of Smilton and in those ne'er-do-wells got, I think they must have got brow beaten into doing the right thing for once. And and the good news is... That's just what they're always like. like Oh, I don't... but Miss Elizabeth, they knocked something down with their music, so the least they could do is put it back up again. yeah Music by Lance is open for business. That's the punchline of this story, dear listener friends. So go check it out. and and And there's going to be a sale, a back in business sale, 3% off the recently increased prices, Miss Elizabeth. That's that's a weird sale, but we'll all be there. I'm sure we'll all be there.
00:22:00
Speaker
So don't let it be said that nothing but bad stuff happens in this town because of the Death Metal Festival. Bad things happen, and then the good people come together and fix it. okay Even if Death Metal narrative also reluctant participants. That's a big story, Miss Elizabeth. So we got to cleanse our pallets a little bit with a song by the Smile Syndicate. So let's reach on over to the Smileton Radio. Something very cheerful and bright. How about Banana Bus? Let's do it.
00:22:27
Speaker
What's that noise, that rumbling sound? Feel the shaking in the ground? No, this isn't a parade You don't have to be afraid Look at that, what a surprise I cannot believe my eyes
00:23:04
Speaker
Banana bus Lots of room so climb aboard This is what you're looking for World of wonder is inside Sit right back enjoy the ride Banana bus Banana bus Banana bus Banana bus Banana bus
00:23:45
Speaker
What a sight it kills the sky Still the smoke is it rolls by Wobbles but it never stops Down the road and at the top!
00:24:33
Speaker
Banana bus by the smile syndicate right here on Hello Smile. I think that is still the runaway hit of the smile syndicate. It is. People don't know that people show up listening to banana bus and scurry off like so many rock lobsters. Yeah. Listen to what you want. I got yeah i can't i can't fix you if you're just so focused on that one song. And who's going to complain? It's a great song. What happens is you get stuck with it. You get stuck with Banana Bus and then you listen to it five times and then you're like late for school. That's what happens.
Festival Success and Highlights
00:25:03
Speaker
I'm not taking any any blame for that.
00:25:06
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth a lot goes on in this town and the news casts, the news media in this town should be able to be counted upon to bring us the facts, bring us the hard-hitting stories, but they fail utterly. They do. And it's it behooves amateur news hounds such as yourself to pull the news that you spot together and bring it to us as part of the Smile to News with Miss Elizabeth.
00:25:33
Speaker
Good evening, Smilton. Let's talk about some news. The Smilton Death Metal Festival 2024 will be wrapping up soon and organizers say it's been the most successful edition yet. Let's go out on a high note. Let's just end the festival. All done. New year, new types of activities next year. How about that? What do you say? Volunteers throughout the Tritown area deserve so much credit and all the visitors from around the world will surely return home telling all that they know that Smilton is one of the premier destinations for all things death metal. A death metal hub, if you will. That sounds like the opposite of what we need.
00:26:15
Speaker
It's good advertising for the town, Jason. So many highlights to choose from. How about Count Voliphia delighting the crowd with his death metal campfire stories? Oh boy. The brave and handsome men of the Smiles and Handsome Firefighters Brigade battling the blaze when the stage caught fire from the death metal campfire? Good work. I mean, it was atmospheric and very hunky. No, let me tell you a death metal story. All the stage is on fire. And then the handsome firefighters were there. So everybody was happy. Everybody's a winner. The elaborate Egyptian-styled headpiece that Jorg proudly wore around as he guided the festival. we go yeah He was being carried around like a death metal pharaoh. why Who needed that? The people love him. What a ridiculous affectation. oh and i I bet the guy's not even Egyptian.
00:27:06
Speaker
Well, he's not Egyptian. You don't have to be Egyptian to dress like one or to walk like one. Oh, and I can't forget the special visit from the death metal king of Norway. Is this the actual king of Norway? The death metal king of Norway. Some nut. The king of the death metal king of Norway. This title is not a hereditary thing. It is just self-applied by a guy with disturbing psychological issues. Your Majesty, I hope you enjoyed your stay. It's hardly news by this point when Smilaton puts on a great death metal festival, but this reporter needs an outlet for her death metal enthusiasm. Oh, that's rich. Well, one, get some help, Your Majesty. And two, you don't need a platform, because that's all we've talked about is Death Metal this month, Miss Elizabeth. Thank goodness this is about to end.
00:27:55
Speaker
The Death Metal Festival, it comes back next year, don't worry. Smileson's Poet in Residence and Nobel Laureate in Aspiration, Alice Fu, that's her name, don't be insulting. I know, I don't like this Alice Fu, and I love this Nobel Laureate in Aspiration. Okay, I climb K2 in Aspiration. ah It doesn't mean I'm a mountain climber. but does It's just words. You're directing yourself in that direction. Good job. I'm a hot air balloonist in aspirations. Are you? LOL. No. Okay. Would you knock it off? Some people actually have aspirations.
Celebrating Poet Alice Fu
00:28:31
Speaker
Alice Fu is being honored by Smiles and Mayor Patti Pepper at Luncheon next Tuesday at the trendy new downtown restaurant La Experience. Ugh.
00:28:42
Speaker
This special event will be celebrating the publication of Fuu's latest book of poetry entitled, Dust Bowl of the Soul. Oh, catchy. There's a rhyme right in the title because I know she's a poet. There's no bigger fan of Fuu's poetry and short stories than Mayor Pepper herself. Yuck. Well, that makes sense. She says, I think alex Alice Fu is the greatest writer Smilaton has ever produced, yeah right and the can-let scene has been lit up once she started self-publishing.
00:29:16
Speaker
Yep. You have to self-publish these days, Jason. I know, Miss Elizabeth. It's a crazy world. It's a crazy world. It's backbiting and all kinds of fighting. It's crazy. I gotta say, it does not surprise me in the least that Patti Pepper loves this Alice Phukashes horrible hack, just like Patti Pepper is a horrible political hack. She achieves a balance of a unique balance of celebrating our town and providing an antidote to its pride and hubris. Yeah, no one's asking for that.
00:29:47
Speaker
Alice Fu will be reading her short story, Apex of the Short Story, and answering audience questions. Get there early. I'm sure it's going to be a full house chase. Earling garbage and rotten tomatoes at her, hopefully. Apex of the Short, what us what a high level of self-regard. The short story is called Apex of the Short Story. Ridiculous. That's the title of the short story. I'm sick of her. All she does is bad mouth smile. And in those stupid stories she writes, makes us sound like we're a screwed up town. I don't know, does she really? She does. And plus, I told you years ago about that. go I went to that contest to write a novel yeah in 48 hours or whatever. It wasn't all my pages got blown out of the one. Yeah, she was there. okay and And I proved myself that I was the way better writer than her.
00:30:29
Speaker
Okay. And and and she she was so rude to me, Miss Elizabeth. So I yeah i hold a grudge. And and and then are now that she's got this high profile in town and getting attention from Patti Pepper, I'm like, both of you deserve each other. Meanwhile, true ah literary talents like myself and Lance's dad, Brick Brock, go unrecognized. Okay, well, because they haven't published anything yet. Next time you see him around town and ask him to show you his manuscript, he carries it around with him. Well, he needs to publish that thing. No kidding. It's about a surfer dude in outer space, um fights aliens. Sounds fascinating. He needs to publish. And and and don't worry, Miss Elizabeth, that space surfer dude gets all the chicks he can handle. All right. It's quite a story. Sounds fascinating. Turning now to the world of sports.
Local Street Hockey League Scores
00:31:17
Speaker
Let's run down the scores for the Smiles and Northside Community Street Hockey League. Now we're talking. The Calliope Coneheads fell to the surging Klingon Honor Hockey Guard 8-4. This is an interesting result, Miss Elizabeth. I cannot deny that I wrote off the Klingon Honor Hockey Guard as a bit of a joke. How could you? They're so they're brutal. They are, they they look like a joke because they have homemade Klingon costumes. They speak to each other in Klingon. Yeah. But teams are struggling against them. I don't know. It's their system. It's their coaching, something like that. It's the culture. The Kalipi Konez are hardly a flagship organization in the league, but they just, ah they were lucky to get the four goals they did. And I think that was a bit of a taunting.
00:32:05
Speaker
ah But from the Klingon from the Klingon honor hockey guard I think they left the net open on purpose a few times just to give him a spot him a few goals. Yeah There are there a puzzle that needs to be unlocked and that puzzle needs to be cracked They're all about honor the drunk at works overcame a slow start and stuns the league leading flapjack Freakazoids through four to three in a double overtime tilt yeah I screamed myself hoarse at that one. It was unbelievable. Yeah, I wish you wouldn't. Just keep keep it under control because the next day you can barely talk. It's worth it. I'm glad I was able to say I was at Roadside when the Drunk at Works took the Flapjack Freakazoids double OT. What an amazing game.
00:32:48
Speaker
crazy. The virginity rocks hockey squad battled the big city nerds to a 3-3 draw. Seven overtime periods weren't enough to settle this contest and the teams agreed to a draw once it was starting to get dark out and some of their mothers were asking them yeah to come home. Yeah, so we go from the sublime to the ridiculous. You do OT until the game is settled. You don't bail. You don't agree that we can both share the laurels Well, they decided that they could. The virginity rocks hockey squad disgraced themselves, and I expected more of the big city nerds. The smiling green grocers had their smiles turned upside down by the ferocious forecheck of the big bugs, which resulted in a 4-2 loss.
00:33:32
Speaker
those smiling green grocers, I like watching them because they are so funny. They're so clueless. It's like they're working in a grocery store though, like are in a green grocer, well that is welcoming customers. i this got the what The defense, the the forwards, there was a breakout ah in the big bug zone and they came screaming towards the blue line. And as they went sailing past the smiling green grocer defense, all they said was, have a good day. Why are they so out of it? It's so great. And me talking about the big bugs this way makes me think, holy cow.
00:34:03
Speaker
If the big bugs play against the Klingon honor hockey guard, what is gonna happen? I think that big bug's forecheck might just be something the Klingon honor hockey guard doesn't have an answer to. Could be fun. The invincible street hockey titans of yore of Smileton. That's a long name. Wow. That doesn't fit on the jersey. Talked big and had that tennis ball shoved right in their mouths after a humiliating 23-0 loss to these scuttled moonshots. Good work. which also is further proof that you should have basically a three-word name for your team. I think so. Or or less. Or less. Yeah. ah Putting invincible in your team name is just positively... Invincible, street haw... You don't need street hockey in there. Invincible, street hockey, Titans of Yor of Smilton. Choose one. You don't need most of those words, and I would say in putting the word invincible in there is positively taunting the street hockey gods to do something to you. Yeah, invincible, and then followed by Titans.
00:35:00
Speaker
Good enough, stop there. And and then get B23 nothing and yeah and and and eat that tennis ball. I think Titans of yore should be the name because they're not currently the Titans. That's terrible. Anyway, and finally, Smiletonians should expect the grass of town on town property to be kept even more neat and trim than it usually is due to the town hiring a crew of goats to handle the job. I've heard of towns doing this. they yeah They think it's fun to get a bunch of goats out there. They chew up the grass, keeping it nice and trim. Yeah, and the goats nice and happy. So I'm not sure why this is news, but I guess if there's some cute video you want to cut to that your listener friend, of course, can't see since this is an audio podcast." According to Smileton Town goat wrangler Brady Benchley, the hiring of goats is a fun and efficient way to keep the town looking its postcard best. apart from that ridiculous title i'm a little worried because this sounds normal so far I heard of other towns using goats to trim the grass, and at first I was skeptical. But the town flew me on a tour of towns in Hawaii, Fiji, and the French Riviera, and I saw first-hand what a great job goats can do," says Brady Fenschliet. He needed a round-the-world tour to determine that.
00:36:21
Speaker
They can learn to turn on and push electric mowers with no sweat and it's really great seeing them try so hard to do a very good job. There we go. They're very good goats. They're pushing mowers around. I talked to a guy who said that he knew a goat who could drive a riding mower like you wouldn't believe and I saw it and I didn't believe. But I hired that goat anyway because it was pretty unbelievable. Jeepers. That guy, he again, that sentence should have stopped way earlier than it did. Animals with jobs, Jason. i know It's time it's smiled and not the first time. we have I'm not even going to argue about how ridiculous this is. A whole team of goats, Jason. you' to in You're telling me there are there are open grassy plains on which goats are pushing moors and driving riding moors? Yeah.
Goats Maintain Smileson's Grass
00:37:11
Speaker
Well, I'm going to keep my distance then.
00:37:14
Speaker
Yeah, it's crazy. Smileson just got a little bit more delightful. And it's all thanks to Brady Benchley. Thanks, Brady. Insanity. That's it for this edition of the Smileson News. I'm Miss Elizabeth. Good night out of sight. Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. for The news delivered ably. I consider myself informed. You're welcome. Music time. The Smileson ticket has another song to say. That's good. Infinity Machine. Let's listen.
00:37:53
Speaker
You think that you don't know Go to places you can't go No one knows from whence it came Just plug history into your brain
00:38:22
Speaker
On Vacuum Cube. A new card stacked by Helpless Rooms. Cabinets reaching to the sky. Make sure not to ask it why.
00:38:47
Speaker
Coaching the teacher.
00:39:12
Speaker
See the word is madness
00:39:32
Speaker
Can't unplug it from the wall Who created this obscene Mammoth 8 ton hell machine Infinity Machine by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile Team. guy Miss Elizabeth, I was telling you about this madness, this goat story you just told. Yeah. and And then think about multiplying that madness by a million by computerizing it, which is exactly what that song was about. I think you have to multiply it by infinity, Jason. yeah Well, I don't know if that you can express infinity in binary, Miss Elizabeth. That's all this computer knows. Yeah.
00:40:21
Speaker
But in any event, we we just got the socks scared us scared off us by the image of this huge computer. indeed So dear listener friend, take some time, get some air, touch grass, get calmed down and have a good week powered by the fun that you had with us today. And we'll be back with you next week for another episode of Hello, Smileton. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth. Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smilesons. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smilesons, so spread the word and make a difference in their lives. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is a jukebox.