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Twice Burned, Three Times Shy
39 Plays3 months ago
Thing about this episode is, you can totally enjoy it regardless of your position. Upright, prone or on the go, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON will delight.
Join Jason and Miss Elizabeth as they proudly present episode 100 of the show. Here's to 100 more? Are you nuts? That's a lot of work!
Miss Elizabeth presents TALES FROM THE TEA HOUSE and brings us up to speed on all the fun we've been missing out on at Connie's Kettle, located right in the heart of the Smileton Mall.
Jason gives us the latest injury report from Smileton's hard-htting street hockey league. The players are tough, the injuries are ridiculous.
And the 6:00 news never hit so hard as Miss Elizabeth presents the SMILETON NEWS. You'll consider yourself informed after hearing this thing.
HELLO, SMILETON. Listening Is Just The Beginning.
Show Timestamps:
3:08 Tales from the Tea House
16:45 Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report
23:02 SONG – Boogie Blizzard
26:56 Smileton News
40:16 SONG - Werenerd
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Milestone
00:00:04
Speaker
Hello, Smileton! Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to take straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Ah, Miss Elizabeth, thank you very much for the charming introduction. I can't believe we're here together on this momentous day of days. Yeah, it's at one of those days. it Do you not know what day it is, Miss Elizabeth? Oh, I thought you were just making a generalized statement about days.
00:00:33
Speaker
No, I always have something very specific in mind when I ah proclaim a day to be a day of days. All right, let's hear about it. First things first, dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. I'm looking at Miss Elizabeth a scant. I'm telling you right now. You are. Something important is happening today and she's blissfully unaware. And I'm pretty happy. What color is the sky in your world, Miss Elizabeth? Because it ain't blue like on terra firma. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, it's a bit peach at the moment.
00:01:02
Speaker
Your listener friend, I know you're shaking your head in disbelief, and I'm going to tell you why I'm shaking mine. Why? This is episode 100. Oh, congratulations. Ladies and gentlemen. That's excellent.
00:01:13
Speaker
You know, it's customary to say thank you to the audience. I'm breaking with tradition. Why? This, us reaching 100 episodes is no thanks to our studio audience. That's for sure. Jason. And no thanks to that guy. I'm just going to ignore him. miss elizabeth yeeki kick He drag me into the mud. Okay.
00:01:33
Speaker
This 100 milestone is the result of perseverance, backbreaking effort, hu casting away the crabs that would pull you back down into the bucket. okay So i I don't want to get the crab bucket.
00:01:50
Speaker
okay I don't want to turn this into a moment of heroism or like ah looking back in history, key pivotal points. I'll leave that to others. I just feel like we've done more than 100 because... Yes, we have Miss Elizabeth. We've done 100 episodes of this show and we did 307 episodes of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour.
Legacy of Smile Syndicate Music Hour
00:02:08
Speaker
That's quite a legacy. 407 episodes of podcasting.
00:02:11
Speaker
Yeah, 407. That's not... That's not chicken scratch. But it's also not like a specific number. It's not 400. Did we mention 400? 400 was a big deal. That was some time ago, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. Dear listener friend, don't go scuttling back into the archive to figure out mathematically which episode that was. Okay.
00:02:31
Speaker
All I got to say is that this is 100 episodes. Well, it means a lot to you, so congratulations. It doesn't really, Miss Liz. Does it not? I strive to make every episode the best one possible. yeah And this one might be ah middling, and it might be the greatest one ever. And then next the one next week might surpass it. I feel like I missed an opportunity to bring you like a sash or something. like I never turned down a sash. I know. So a lot of talk. I'm sorry. Little action. OK. Story of my life.
Introduction to 'Don't Be a Tease' Tea Festival
00:03:01
Speaker
We're gonna have fun today on today's show Miss Elizabeth will be giving us the news later on and I'm sure there are other surprises Miss Elizabeth But I see a gaping hole in the show rundown plan Yeah, we don't just riff this whole thing. We have some kind of skeleton where we know what we're gonna talk about. I just see TBD So normally that yeah that terrifies me because that means you're up to something. I have a bit of a story for you Oh, I'll try to put it together like a narrative. Okay yeah which is the way good stories are structured. So I think I highlighted recently on this show that the Don't Be a Tease Tea Festival was happening here in Smileton. And I wanted to give you a quick update about it, Jason, because something really interesting happened. And I think that you are going to want to hear all about it. Can I guess? In detail. Can I guess? No. No. Why? OK, go ahead.
00:03:59
Speaker
the organizers looked at each other. It's okay. This is going badly.
00:04:06
Speaker
I guess you know what? The rest of that one's going to be missed. This festival, Jason, was the brainchild of Connie, of course. Connie, my dear friend Connie. Why doesn't she just focus on running that business? She's been running Connie's kettle for years. yeah And while it's been a runaway success, she would still like to have the kettle be a bit more active presence on the Smiles and cultural scene. The cultural circuit, as you will. Yeah. I don't will it, Miss Elizabeth. I wish this kind of stuff would stop. She makes pretty good mug of tea. She should just keep doing that. Stay in your lane. Why why do you want to muck around with the cultural life of this town? It's so much more than tea. It's about bringing people together. it's about It's about culture. It's about community, all that kind of stuff. Connie and I brainstormed over a couple of pots of tea what the name of the festival should be. And Connie wanted party time. But I thought Dopeya Tease was better.
00:05:02
Speaker
What do you think? Which one would you have gone with? Partee time? I think I would have backed the conversation up a little earlier into a more fundamental question about whether there should be a festival. I'm going to stop asking you questions because you're being so negative. Okay, okay. I'll play along, Ms. Lisbon. About don't be a tease. Okay. We ended up compromising. The name of the festival is Don't Be a Tease and the phrase partee time is on the official festival t-shirts, TEA shirts. Yeah. Uh-huh. Get it? I do. Okay. As you know, Smileson is home to many tea leaf growers right here in Smileson. It's like a magical wonderland of different things, including tea.
00:05:41
Speaker
yeah Why do you think I live here? I know. There are many small scale grow, grow op, we call them grow ops. I mean, it's a little bit tongue in cheek. Oh, it's a little bit naughty. A little bit dedicated to growing all kinds of things. And once Connie's Kettle started taking off, the local growers realized that there was a burgeoning market for tea right here in the tri-town area. Yeah, you're dancing around something there, Miss Elizabeth. I know there were, there was a preexisting infrastructure of certain kind of plants being grown in this town.
00:06:09
Speaker
Yeah, leaves. Before tea. That's right, leaves.
Tea Festival Highlights and Controversies
00:06:12
Speaker
And then they realized they could just switch over and cook up some tea as well. I don't know what, I don't know what, I don't know what you're talking about. Okay, yeah, yeah, I don't know either. There's so much fun stuff happening here at the festival. I told you already about the tea dunk tank where the handsome firefighters bravely stepped up to get dunked. Yeah. They're good at that. That's one of their responsibilities. I was really disappointed when I heard the tea was lukewarm.
00:06:38
Speaker
ah Now, come on, what should it be? Go ahead, say it out loud. What do you think they should be dunked in? I would like to hear a lot of screaming and scrambling once they got hit. I don't mean it to be scalding, but a little uncomfortable little uncomfortable would have been funny. Okay. They think they're so great, Miss Elizabeth. They are so great. A little bit of comeuppance wouldn't have been a miss wouldn't a gone a miss. They do it with panache. They sometimes take off their jackets and show us what's what. And I don't mind. And neither does anyone in Smileton. That's just a flat out false statement.
00:07:14
Speaker
what I don't yeah I'm not fine with it no okay but you know you could join the firefighters i notice so you noticed when you run down the list of virtues of the handsome firefighters you know what's ah glaring in its absence I mentioned fighting fires first Oh That was that was number one. Carry on. Well, we also had a T foot race where racers had to carry a cup of tea on a saucer and run a four by four hundred meter hurdles relay without spilling any tea. Talk about athleticism. Now you're talking. I'm telling you the whole festival was that stuff I could almost get on board with it.
00:07:50
Speaker
It's really cool stuff. There's lots of cool stuff. Connie looked after that event and told me that if I could think of any, I should go ahead and organize it and make it happen. Oh boy, here we go. So I decided that we should offer a showcase to these local tea growers, our local growers who already grow things. Here at Smilton by having a taste challenge competition. Tea fans here sample all the teas and vote for their favorite.
00:08:17
Speaker
I'm getting suspicious here because this is making a little bit too much sense. It's totally making sense. It's very well put together. um'm I'm expecting a sting in the tail ending. Okay. Are you still friends with Jasper Joseph? I know this sounds like off topic, but it's not. Yeah. Okay. Well, you shouldn't be. but He caused a scene when he tried to enter the contest.
00:08:37
Speaker
Oh, ah here we go. Not open to everybody. No, no, he tried. He caused a big scene. The tea sipping elite can then join this party. Caused a big scene. So lots of people wanted to get their tea tasted. But we only had room for six competitors. Jaspy Joseph Farge is in there. OK. Gives a bunch of noise about how his tea was the best. Probably true. He was telling everyone else to get lost and cram their lousy tea. Yeah. Then he gives me an example of his tea. They're bagged up already, which Could mean trouble. I take one sniff and it's pretty darn clear that was red rose tea, Jason. What's wrong with that? Well, there's nothing wrong with that, but why try to pass it off as your own? He didn't grow one part of that, Jason. and ah He was just trying to win a contest with tasty tea. But you have to grow it. I know all these local growers are scared of some big boy competition.
00:09:29
Speaker
Yeah, that you just bought in from from out from India or somewhere. I'm sipping a nice cup of tea. I'm not wondering where this came from. But we are. I don't care where it came from. Okay. Another guy made a bunch of noise. Red Rose only in Canada. That's what they say. Pity.
00:09:47
Speaker
Okay. That's the ad, Miss Elizabeth. That's the ad from 20 years ago. Do they still do that? Probably more than 20. But at least he actually grew the tea leaves. Another guy, this other guy, Jake Waits. Huh? Jake Waits surprised me by being such a tea aficionado. Holy. Well, I didn't expect that. I maybe would even call him a tea snob.
00:10:10
Speaker
He's very particular. I thought he was just in the weights and supplements and that kind of stuff. Very highfalutin taste. Oh, boy. That guy. Well, people surprise you. Yes. I mean, he'll come right out with the pinky stick and right out when he's drinking that tea. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Jackie Jackson, the acting mayor of Pickle Hills was there. Boy, it's a real cast of characters. She had her own tea to enter into the taste test. I took a sniff of it and it smelled. I'm going to say foul. OK. Pretty foul. Yes. But she said that everyone in Pickle Hills loved it. So I decided that she should have one of the six spots. Well, good for you, because I wouldn't have given that woman the time of day. You might have been on the right track there, but I maybe made a different decision. You're too nice sometimes, Miss Lucy. I was very nice. So who else had their tea in there? Lacey, it turns out that she has been growing tea for a while. Can you believe it? Yeah, she's a Renaissance woman. Lacey is a grower. Zeke from Zeke's, Zebra Duds, of course, you know, he's got a very healthy grow up underground. He's too fussy with all his businesses.
00:11:07
Speaker
different things growing all the time all the zebra stuff that's right the guy who wears the gas mask who runs the by hook or by book yeah yeah weirdo he and also jorg of course of course jorg he does somebody getting their little uh little event getting some attention well i'm surprised jorg goes charging in there try to hog the spotlight So we just got finished ruining the town some weeks ago with that death metal festival. I mean, that's not how he phrases it. Oh, well, time for some little realism here. So we run the taste test and we're doing different rounds. OK, so like round one, round two. So we get down to the final two.
00:11:44
Speaker
Jackie Jackson and Jake Waist. I don't understand how Jackie Jackson got through because her tea actually tasted even worse than it smells. Some tea just is not very good, Jason. I think it might just be a bunch of bunk. People don't know what they're tasting.
00:12:01
Speaker
Tea is different from wine that way, if that's where you're coming from. Yeah, wine is different. You can drink any wine. It doesn't matter the price. Yeah, you can fool a wine snob. No problem. Tea snobs, different kettle of fish. Tea is a different kettle of tea, that's for sure. Everyone in the show was trying the last two teas. That's from Jackie Jackson and Jake Waits. I could tell immediately who was drinking Jake's because their face looked a certain way and who was drinking Jackie's because their face looked, I'm going to say, a different way, Jason. OK.
00:12:29
Speaker
Definitely that too look different. Like, like, you know, the Coke and the Pepsi challenge? Yeah. Like that. Only like you couldn't tell the difference. I mean, you could tell the difference. Hmm. One of those. I i don't even follow you, but let's keep going. So everybody sips, they fill in their ballot and they draw their ballot in the ballot box. Okay. A vote if you will. Yeah.
00:12:53
Speaker
sounds like it Tiffany the blacksmith was there with her buddy mr. cherries yeah mr. cherries is an accountant and very very good at solving horse yeah let's not oversell his abilities he is watching all of this activity very intently you know why cuz he likes math yes he does he's good account he had mr. cherries the horse in the tea shop Mr. Cherries is a horse. You don't have to keep pointing it out. I don't always think... I'm just pointing out to dear listener friends that that's quite a scene. I don't say Jason the human every single time I introduce you. Here here Mr. Cherries, please meet my friend Jason the human. It's obvious. I guess I must be the crazy one. You don't have to say it all this time. I don't know. Stop saying it. That's all I'm saying. The voting's finished. Connie opens up the ballot box and starts counting.
00:13:36
Speaker
Okay. Guess who else is counting? Mr. Terry starts getting more and more disgruntled as this is going on. There's a big stack of votes in Jackie Jackson's pile and sure enough, Connie declares her the winner. Fuck this tea tastes like sewage. It tasted pretty bad. It tasted like words we don't normally say on this podcast. So it just may be the right way to describe it. Tiffany has been watching Mr. Terry's and finally interrupts Jackie Jackson's cheering. Mr. Terry's thinks that there's something wrong here. He's been counting because he's an accountant.
00:14:11
Speaker
And there are more votes than people who voted. all ah There's some skullduggery going on here. Unless like ghosts voted or dead. Yeah, dead ghosts. People dead ghosts maybe voted. I think you've been stuffing the ballot box, Jackie Jackson. and Heavy accusations. Obviously not the first time Jackie's heard an accusation of this sword. She froze. She's still the acting mayor of Pickle Hills, which who even knows how that works. I know.
00:14:36
Speaker
That doesn't make any sense. Basically, she's acting like the mayor. That's what that means. Because they have a mayor, and he's not standing up for himself. He's not acting like the mayor. Frickin' Pete Pickles. That's why she's the acting mayor. Yeah, I know. There's problems in Pickle Hills that I can't even begin to solve. There's problems in Smiles, and now it's the... I know. I got to focus on it. Okay. Jackie Jackson froze. She got this angry look on her face. Almost like she's been there before.
00:14:58
Speaker
Then she composed herself and said, I know you people aren't experienced in politics like me, and running a vote can be tricky. ah I mean, Mr. Cherries, his ears were flickety flack. And let me tell you, but they're to want enrage a horse there's no evidence of voter fraud here. But in the interest of a peaceful festival, I'll happily hand over my prize to Jake Waits, yeah as though he didn't win fair and square.
00:15:27
Speaker
her Well, see? She's a smooth talker. She is a smooth talker. That sounds like a bunch of nonsense went on there, Miss Elizabeth. And even don Miss Trivial as this stupid tea festival deserves better than that. It teaches me something, though. Imagine cheating, coming to another town and cheating. Cheating over tea? Yeah, stupid. Just for the sake of winning. Some people, these politicians, they just need to win. I thought I... care how I had no respect for the woman before but she's even fallen lower in my estimation and if what you say is true. And Mr. Cherry's has risen up I think a little bit more in your estimation. He's pretty high in my books. Yeah, Jake cheered and flexed and said fire up that... he wasn't bothered at all. He took the win as a complete... Now this sounds like the Jake I know. Complete victory, fire up that kettle Connie, tease on me.
00:16:12
Speaker
She scuttled right out of there after that, and it's not just her terrible tea that's left a bad taste in everybody's mouth, Jason. Oh, that's a disturbing story, Miss Elizabeth. Also the lies, the shocking lies, and the politics. Do you think the town's better off for having had that festival, or was that a cynical exercise that kind of damaged the town's soul?
00:16:30
Speaker
Come on now, I came up with this thing. So I'm going to say, hey, you don't owe me an answer, Miss Elizabeth. You got to look at yourself in the mirror. ok i Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I think it might be time for for the ah Smiles and Northside community, yeah Street Hockey League,
00:16:54
Speaker
injury repair. Wow, Ms. Elizabeth throwing a curveball at me. You really want me to go into that now? I will, Ms. Elizabeth, because I take very little prompting to start talking about street hockey. Yeah. Let's do it. are you going are So you're going to provide the injury repair? I will. I'm always ready to give you an update. Okay, good. Dear listener, friend of yours, before you go laying out the big bucks, you before you go spending your hard-earned money on betting on the Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey League, I've got to give you the update about
Smileton Community News and Reports
00:17:18
Speaker
who's hurt.
00:17:18
Speaker
The odds can shift dramatically if some of the superstars of the League are injured. First up, I gotta tell you all about Hobie Hughes. He's a defenseman for the Infected Ink Tats. I haven't even heard of this group. Yeah, we don't want to report on them very much. They've been a little bit quiet. I think it's because they're in the hospital a lot. Well, they're so focused on their Tats that they don't play as much street hockey as they should, and it shows in their record. Yeah.
00:17:42
Speaker
Anyway, he got a huge back tack too of a motorbike jumping over the world and oh brother, it got massively infected. Okay. In his defense, it is such a cool tattoo. Oh my goodness. You can see it for the swell over the like the red flesh and swollen. It's all day. Oh, he's in some bad shape. He can barely move and he's listed his day to day until those antibiotics kick in. Well, you definitely need to get that cured. Yeah. Imagine getting cross checked in the back. It's going to look so sweet. If you couldn't interpret that through the infection, I mean, I've seen that tattoo. It is blazing. It is amazing. Okay. Well, I guess, Hobie, you made your mark. I think you might want to get that tattoo as well. I'm not getting any time. Miss Elizabeth, I told you some time ago about trying all the tattoo parlors. Maybe we have to bring that story back again. That was a classic. I think it might be time for a tattoo. I suffered for someone else's art. That's for sure. Over and over again.
00:18:33
Speaker
You can't get one anymore on your lower back as a woman. That's a problem. No, you never could in the first place. You never could. But where can you as a lady? I don't know where. That's the answer. Ms. Elizabeth will devote a show to tattoos sometime in the future. Okay. While there's Williams left wing for the flapjack freakazoids.
00:18:50
Speaker
our ah Our favorite injury-prone freakazoid is at it again. He was at a department store and there was this beach party display setup so he tried climbing one of the fake palm trees and he shook a fake coconut loose and hit him right in the head. And turns out those coconuts were not coconuts. They were fake as I told you and they were actually eight pound steel balls. Well that's a hazard. So the doctors are saying there's no way he's playing again until he can determine if his brain is scrambled or not. Well, I think it might be scrambled. That's not's that's no joke and matter yet. No. like but I think I'd rather get ate with a real coconut than an eight pound metal weight. Although I do also understand that that is a danger when you're in amongst a coconut grove. Yeah, yeah heads up. Yeah, so heads down maybe. Okay, so he was trying to be funny and he did something that sounds hilarious, but he's paying for it now. I wowsers. I hope you're back in action soon. Jimmy Hot Pockets, defenseman for the Lady Pleasers. Why do they call him Hot Pockets? I don't even want to get into it, Ms. Elizabeth. Is it about pastries or is it about pockets? I don't know. I'm not i i'm not curious. Okay.
00:19:55
Speaker
ah first game back since he got injured falling down that open manhole while breakdancing that happened back in March I'm pretty sure I i told you about that yeah so he was playing a great game and then he slid ah across the front of the net to block a shot and he kept on sliding he went down another open manhole well separated shoulders gonna be out for a while you know those open manholes are marked they're a menace they're a menace but they're marked Well, fine. When you're in the heat of battle and the game's on, you sometimes miss those marks, don't you? I mean, two people now. Same guy, twice. You have to watch out. You have to watch out for those fallen coconuts. You're making give me laugh if you're if you're trying to tell me that Jimmy Hot Pockets needs to be told to watch out for open manholes. It's an open manhole. Don't fall down it. Twice burned. Three times shy.
00:20:39
Speaker
Michelle Tompkins, goalie for the Smoughton Community Outreach Association. So she sprained an ankle during an illegal cage fight over the weekend. She should only miss a couple games. I feel like you shouldn't be reporting this one because it's talking about a crime.
00:20:53
Speaker
like well it's You're basically reporting a crime. Like she committed a crime, now she might get arrested. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, Michelle Tompkins. She's not currently doing the time. She's just got her foot twisted. She's competing in illegal cage fighting. She's not worried about it. I'm not getting stressed about it. I got a report to deliver. but She might try to fight you in an illegal cage match. Bring it on, Michelle Tompkins.
00:21:17
Speaker
Tommy Bear. Center for the Smilton Youth Sleuths. He'll may miss the next three games due to having to fly to Washington to receive a special commendation for solving the case of the mysterious safe-crackings that have been going on throughout the Tritown area. Wow. That's a weird reason to miss hockey.
00:21:35
Speaker
So he did solve that. He did solve that youth. They're always running around town solving crimes that the adults can't solve. And then he's flying all the way to Washington, DC to get a commendation. Cause he'd be cracked the safe cracker case here in Smilton. We're in Canada. Why like, what the jurisdiction, Ms. Elizabeth, how does that even work? Well, I think they're more interested in crime in America. Doing something about it. In the United States. And apparently, you can crack a case like that here, and you get no attention at all. Where's our inept, corrupt mayor, Patty Pepper, and all this? I have to admit, I hadn't even heard of it. If you hadn't mentioned... Oh, brother, misalism. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call your... We're doing a newscast coming up here, and you hadn't heard that story? I know it, because the police aren't talking about it on their radios. Oh, brother. Well, you've got to get some new... That's where I get my news. You're going to get some new sources. I do. I mean, I get my news from the police. I get my news directly from the police.
00:22:23
Speaker
You need some other sources. That's the Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report. Adjust your bets accordingly. that These players, they live hard and they play hard, Miss Elizabeth. And and it's no wonder they're getting hurt away from the road because they they're doing it even more intense style yeah when they're off the road and away from the tennis ball and the net and the sticks and the parked cars. Yeah. And we haven't lost one yet.
00:22:47
Speaker
No, people get hurt, but they bounce back and they rarely miss too many games. That's right. Well, we got to play a song. We got to we got to shake things up. We got to kick over the furniture and get that dance floor going because it's time for a boogie blizzard. Sounds good. Let's go.
00:26:26
Speaker
thatic it right here on hello smile It's always a booby blizzard any time of year. We are in September now, Miss Elizabeth, yeah and it is still delightful. But in some time in the future, a blizzard may be coming down on us.
Unusual Trends and Local Critiques
00:26:39
Speaker
Well, yeah. And we've got to remember to dance even as the cold wraps its tentacles around our throats. Oh my goodness. well and Tentacles and throats. And everything, Miss Elizabeth. the Winter's a wild ride here, but you've got to dance on through it. And that's what that song's all about. Yeah, you've got to give it give it some effort.
00:26:56
Speaker
Yeah and ah you've been giving it some effort when it comes to gathering the local news because our local our local sources are inept and terrible and you never seen such poor newscasting so we're forced to have to settle with Miss Elizabeth's homespun variety in newscast which we present in the Smile to News with Miss Elizabeth.
00:27:20
Speaker
Good evening, Smileton. Let's talk about some news. Smiletonians are fun-loving, adventurous people, but a new trend has medical officials concerned. Kindly Town physician Seamus c Creek told this reporter over tea at Connie's Kettle that local adrenaline junkies need to find a new way to get their jollies off. Oh, boy. I tell you, Miss Elizabeth, when I think of cannons, I think of warfare, the appalling sight of man-killing man. What I don't think to do is hop into one and get blasted out of it for fun, and certainly not being shot out of a cannon straight into the stomach of one of my fellow citizens.
00:28:01
Speaker
Dr. Creek is not the only one concerned about this new trend. Smilton Time Officer Brady Benchley told this reporter over charcuterie at La Dense et Tarnell. It's wild, Miss Elizabeth. I think taking a cannonball to the stomach is nuts. But taking a whole person shot out of a cannon straight at you, it's Looney Tunes.
00:28:23
Speaker
This reporter shares these concerns and wonders. Where did all of these cannons come from, Jason? Ms. Elizabeth, you rarely pack in so much to be unpacked in a story, but it's pretty clear this story comes just from you socializing at the tea house and then getting charcuterie. That's true. A lot of news comes from the tea shop. You're just having conversations with people, and that's the news now. A lot of stuff does come from the tea shop. That's true. okay well That is true. You're lucky you stumbled into this hilarious thing that sprung up here in Smouth and people weren't satisfied with human cannonballs or somebody taking a cannonball to the stomach. They decided to have humans shut out of cannonballs into the stomach of other humans. That's up in your game. It's that's hilarious. It makes people laugh even just to describe it. Well, and what a fun pastime. Where did all these cannons come from?
00:29:09
Speaker
And I have to say... en Enthusiasm, Miss Elizabeth. and may they You get enthusiastic enough, you can make anything happen. But people can't find the cannonballs, and I just realized it's because somebody's been stowing them up in those trees. They've been falling off of those trees like coconuts. Maybe that's why we have cannons running around with no cannonballs that people are putting themselves in. people put two good ideas together to come up with an even better idea. So I'm not going to turn my nose up at that. I'm going to ask, I'm going to put the request out, get in touch of me we get in touch with me in care of this show ah because I want to see this. I want to see this in person. If you've got a weekend planned for some joshing around with your buddies and you're planning on shooting each other into each other's stomachs with a cannon, sign me up to watch that because I will pull up a lawn chair and laugh myself sick.
00:29:56
Speaker
Okay, I would keep your distance if I were you, Jason. Oh, I'll be safe. Because you are exactly the kind of audience member who winds up either inside a cannon or with somebody else running into your stomach. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, you flatter me.
00:30:09
Speaker
As the days grow shorter and we head into autumn, that can only mean that it's time to kick off the dozens of fall festivals that cheer our town every year. Gotta keep those spirits high, Jason. You just told us about a festival and now there's but like there's an avalanche of them coming. This year, however, not everyone is excited. Hooray.
00:30:29
Speaker
Corky Shafley, the organizer of such noted Smiles in Fall festivals as Funny Pants Fall Down Days and Fall for All and Fall Fling Can you imagine? I'm running a festival. I'm very busy. Fall for all. Yeah, you know what? This town is missing something. This festival is not really covering all the bases. I think I'll start a whole other festival called Fall Fling to address the gap. It doesn't make any sense. Well, he has some very stern words for other fall festival organizers. I see the error of my ways. Never do a fall festival again and I tell everyone else in town to do the same.
00:31:10
Speaker
We've watered down the talent pool. Too many of these half-assed festivals clogging up the calendar. Five years ago, we had about 18 festivals and people loved them. Now there's 53 happening this year. 53, Miss Elizabeth. We've devalued the fall festival concept. All these fall festivals should be flushed into the sewer where they belong.
00:31:35
Speaker
Okay. Young punks. Oh, and now it gets a little bit foggy. Okay. He says, and I quote, I asked on all of them and asked them all to hell. Young punks?
00:31:48
Speaker
He says, young punks, I S on all them and F them all to hell. Okay. God damn their salt to Hades. He's enraged. He's enraged. This guy, maybe I'll i'll shut up about slagging the festivals. Yeah, he's definitely got his own comments going on. You don't have to join in. Not everyone agrees. Fall of foopsie doo, organizer, Charlize Monk. Hang on. What? Fall of foopsie doo. Fall of foopsie doo. Fall of foopsie doo. That's a festival?
00:32:16
Speaker
Yes. I think I share this gentleman's rage. Charlize Monk told this reporter that Shafley is threatened by the next generation classic. yeah That is classic that the next generation is threatening to the one that came before. This next generation of festival organizers, the more festivals the better, I say. Let the young and hot plan these festivals, not the old weirdos. Fall of Ooxidoo has ah just as much right to exist as that stupid falling down pants thing and the citizens will decide.
00:32:48
Speaker
eight Get with the program, Corky, or get out of the way. Jason, have you figured out which of the fall festivals you're going to be attending this year? Yeah, I made a very... It's not possible to not attend any of them because they're happening everywhere. No matter where you go, you're attending a festival. So which one? Oh, the funny pants fall down days. If I have to pick one. Okay. With three guns to my head, I'll go to that one. I suggest wearing a belt.
00:33:12
Speaker
No way. If I'm going to a festival, I'm all in. All right. Turning now to the world of sports.
00:33:22
Speaker
Let's run down the scores for the Smiles and Northside Community Street Hockey League now that we know the injury report. yeah The lady pleasers and the chug-a-lugs had a thrilling game that ended after a tennis ball bounced into old man Romanowski's yard and nobody wanted to get it. yeah The chug-a-lugs who were leading 3-2 at the time were declared the winners.
Community Events and Treasure Hunt
00:33:48
Speaker
yeah I was watching that game. Intense. yeah Talk about letting the air out of the balloon. Once that ball went in Old Man Romanowski's yard, no one's messing with that guy. He's he's a little bit intimidating, that's for sure. No one's trying to bring an extra ball, so we're all just kind of staring at each other. one just No one invites him to watch the games.
00:34:05
Speaker
yeah i He's a local crank, he's mean to us kids, and where we weren't going to trifle with him. So, sorry, yeah they we just declared a winner and moved on with our lives. Okay, it's cute that you're calling yourself us kids. I misspoke, Miss Elizabeth. The hot-rodding hot-bods spread their way to a 9-1 victory over the Smilton Larping Guild.
00:34:27
Speaker
i That was an odd one, Miss Elizabeth. Really? I don't think it's that odd, Jason, because you can't larp your way to victory. No kidding. But I hate the hot-rodding hot-bots so much that I found myself cheering for those larping nerds. And they were hot. They were hapless, Miss Elizabeth. They insist on wearing their chain mail and they're and their little swords. They're very heavy. It's impractical. Yeah. and And their boots. It's it's silly. They cop around. there's They are not agile. They are not fleet of foot. They're not, they're not at all. And those hot-rodding hot-buds do have their charm. Oh, yeah. You and your charm, Miss Elizabeth. The f-ed up hockey boys. Yeah. Let their emotions get the better of them and flailed their way to a 10-3 loss to the surging Smilton Alpha Dog hockey pups. Yeah. Those cuties. They were trying so hard and they won. The f-ed up hockey boys thought this was going to be a rout, but they didn't realize how fast those dogs are.
00:35:24
Speaker
And how good yeah how good at they are at playing hockey. So, street hockey. So, after hockey boys effed themselves up at the end of the day, they let their emotions run away with you. As you said, yeah them their emotions got the better of them. And once they get frustrated, that that's when the hockey pups eat you alive. That's right. Galactic war was averted when the clash between the Klingon honor hockey guard and the ro Romulan warbirds ended in a 3-3 tie. Thank goodness, because those guys are about to tear each other to apart.
00:35:53
Speaker
Why don't they just go tear each other apart and leave street hockey alone? I'm sick of indulging these teams, Miss Elizabeth. They're hard to watch. They're not Romulans. It's enough of the pretend time. Can we act like grown-ups for once? I enjoy it. Can we not treat Smountain Roadside street hockey with the respect it deserves? I'm in it for the show, to be honest. That's like a freak show that should be off to the side somewhere. It's dressed up time, Miss Elizabeth. It's not serious hockey. For some of these teams, for sure, they're dressing up. I mean, sometimes it works for them. Sometimes it doesn't. If you're going to field a team on the street of Smilton Street hockey, you've got to have a certain gravitas, Miss Elizabeth. That's true. Some comic relief was had. Oh, talking of gravitas. Yeah. Some comic relief was had as the smile syndicate cool dudes. Oh, we don't need to talk about this one. Were played with like so much cat food. Uh-huh. Before being dispatched by the intensely hilarious grilled cheese goofs. Yes. Shall I report on the score? Finish it off, Miss Elizabeth. 43 nothing. Yes. 43 nothing. How does that even happen?
00:37:02
Speaker
yeah yeah I blame my teammates. you like As usual. Aren't you I am stuck because I'm sticking to the rules, Miss Elizabeth. we yeah I have to be part of an organization to field a team. You lost to the grilled cheese goofs. I know. Miss Elizabeth, the shame, but the self-reproach stings enough. I have stumble bombs, it's me and the interns, yeah and I have this concept that this team has to be me and the interns, and I'll whip these these nerds into shape. It's not working so far, and 43-0 is quite a drubbing. Maybe I should join your team and help out with the with thick they captaining situation. Mr. Elizabeth, I'm getting to be desperate here, so even as bad an idea as that sounds on its face might have to be considered. Wow. I'm in. Yeah, but you'll have to quit Mitch Winchell's team.
00:37:52
Speaker
I ah can't do that. Well, then we're at an impasse. Mitch needs me. And finally, Smilton treasure hunters sharpen your pickaxes because it's time to go digging. Hey, you got my attention. Smilton time officer Brady Benchley told this reporter over keto Hawaiian pizza. um Enough of your socializing. At Smilton's latest dining sensation, Nito Keto, that during a browse for book treasures at by hook or by book, yeah he discovered an old treasure map wow yeah he promptly purchased the artifact and shared it with this reporter you know you have to quickly if you find something at by hook or by book do you know why do you remember yes that the the whole freaking place can move around or disappear disappears and you won't be able to go back there even if it's
00:38:40
Speaker
Yes, the guy who runs it is a nut. He spends all this time in an improbable amount of work, making it seem like his store comes and goes by magic. It does. It's an annoying affectation. Yeah, according to the map, an old pirate treasure is buried somewhere here in Smiles and we do have a river, so it's not completely unlikely. Yeah.
00:39:00
Speaker
The map is hard to read and difficult to relate to present day Smileton. So it's fairly complex. So the two of us will be hosting a pizza party at Nido Keto where all treasure hunters are invited to come and help us interpret the map and then head out as a group to find the riches. Even if we don't find treasure, we're sure to find fun. It's a genuine treasure hunt. Yeah.
00:39:24
Speaker
I have no clue why this is on a newscast, Miss Elizabeth. This is your social calendar. year're You're telling us about your various socializing, interesting conversations you had over dinner. I make a lot of friends this way, Jason. Boy, well, that's news to me. Well, that's it for this edition of the Smiles in News. I'm Miss Elizabeth. Good night out of sight. was And I'll see you at Nito Keto. i can I question your judgment frequently. I know. But I never doubt your journalistic integrity. Thank you. But today, Miss Elizabeth, this newscast, this seems to be clogged with altruism. Don't interrupt me, dude. You have to be nice. I'm making accusations here, wild accusations. I'm telling the news. I'm telling the news. Do you want the news or do you not want the news? I'm too tired to fight you, Miss Elizabeth. But I'm not too tired to listen to a harrowing song of horror and menace. I hope it's fun. Where, nerd? Let's go.
00:40:34
Speaker
The full moon is high Behold a terrible sight
00:43:10
Speaker
The Werenerd by the smile syndicate right here on Hello Smiles. That's excellent. It's a terrifying tale. I thought it was fun. I thought it was exciting, energizing. Not if you're on the receiving end of those chomps, Miss Elizabeth. I know. The Werenerd, once he gets out of control, once that moon goes up and he goes into nerd overdrive. I know. All bets are off. It gets me a little bit, I got to admit, a little bit hot and bothered because he is the Werenerd. He goes crazy, right? But he's also super smart because that's what nerds are.
00:43:40
Speaker
ah Super smart and going crazy. Oh boy. well I mean, I have to say, I mean, it's all, it's all I need. all yeah Then let's end the show and you can go out and get what you need, miss Elizabeth and leave the rest of us alone. Sounds good. It's been a good show with you, dear listener friend. We hope you had a good time. We're hope you're going to join us right here again next week. An all new episode of hello, smile and is headed straight your way. In the meantime, this one is done, but it's been fun.
00:44:06
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is a jukebox.