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You're So Willing To Unweave This Sweater Of Enthusiasm
35 Plays4 months ago
Some would say that this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, is the greatest single episode of any podcast ever. I wouldn't presume to doubt the voice of the people, so instead I recommend subscribing and playing this episode post haste.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth are sharing the good stuff straight from Smileton. Whether they're talking about the latest stories, pronouncements and wisdom shared by Smileton's greatest living rock practitioner in LANCE BROCK'S ROCK TALK, or keeping each other honest as they get to the bottom of the state of their resolutions in the latest NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION UPDATE, you'll be rolling around in joy as the only possible response.
Throw in a couple of songs by Smileton's own The Smile Syndicate and this tidy entertainment package is gonna push all those buttons of yours.
HELLO, SMILETON. Listening Is Just The Beginning.
Show Timestamps:
2:05 Lance Brock's Rock Talk
21:51 SONG – New Year's Skeeve
25:02 Paid Advertisement – The Barking Bettor
32:50 New Year's Resolution Update
42:22 SONG – Lovestorm
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Show Kickoff
00:00:04
Speaker
Hello, Smiles and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, thank you so much for that charming introduction and dear listener friend. Thanks so much for joining us today. You're youre you're in for fun. So just shut up, zip up, zip in, strap in and let's go. That's right. We're here. We've got you covered.
Impact of the Death Metal Festival
00:00:31
Speaker
I'm hoping, Miss Elizabeth, we are now into August, that you have got all that death metal nonsense out of your system. The Smilton Death Metal Festival is closed up shop and is ready to leave us alone. Forevermore, now one can hope. For now, and we have the Smilton real estate business is really, really just humming along because we have so many people who can who've come to us, who visit us during the death metal season. Yeah.
00:00:59
Speaker
And then we have moving into Smileton season right after because people love it here. They get to spend a month learning about our town, about our dedication and commitment to death metal, and then they move here. And then we have an even stronger death metal festival again next summer. So that's amazing. It was just a handful of sentences. I came into the show so positive and you managed just to puncture many holes in that happiness balloon. Well, I think it's good for this good for the town. elizabeth we got like i was all like I'm looking at the rundown for the show today and there's some good stuff in here and it has nothing to do with death metal and I was so excited and you're telling me these narrative wells, many of them aren't going to be leaving?
00:01:37
Speaker
many well i'm goingnna i'm you know you could yeah You're a person. You can stay here if you mind your Ps and Qs. They're choosing to start paying taxes. Right. so You can live as a proper citizen. And if you respect me, I'll respect you. But I'm going to also be bullying you a little bit to drop the death metal stuff. And if if you wear that cloak, you wear that face paint, I'm going to tease you. matthew That's non-negotiable. If you want to do that, I think you need to just present a suitable, a viable alternative. Oh Miss Elizabeth, you could not have set up the next segment any better if you tried and maybe you were peeking ahead and decided to do me a solid in know whichever way ah whichever way
Lance Brock's Guitar Store Saga
00:02:16
Speaker
that is. I say thank you because what we're first going to do, the first bit of fun here is check in with my buddy Lance.
00:02:22
Speaker
the rock icon of Smilton. He runs music by Lance, the best guitar store in town, and he gives us the message of rock. I hope he's all right. I suppose we'll hear the full story about how he is, but I am curious about how his story is. He's not quite over the death metal festival yet. No, he is not. Okay. So we're going to hear from him now in the latest Lance, rocks, rock talk. Let's go. what yeah the bump on here
00:02:53
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, how dare you? I don't expect laughter after that. I expect vigorous head banging. Well, that was pretty funny, though. You did that really, really well. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, if I may, took my own horn. I rock pretty hard. All things considered. You did a good job. And if you want more of that, you've come to the right place. Welcome to Lance Brock's Rock Talk. And I'm going to be the first to hand you every to hand every last one of you F'd in the head. Crazy rock travelers, a tall, cool one because it's been a long, crazy road. And ain't that the effing truth? No effing doubt about it. It has been a long road. It has. yeah This effing death metal festival is the biggest pain in my arse since I sat on that picnic table and got a splinter the size of an effing rolling pin right in my arse. wow that sounds like it might have been painful did he have to go to the doctor for that to get that removed and how embarrassing would that be to go to the doctor and say doc I got a splinter in my butt zone the size of an effing rolling pin yes it was no fun and that's why he didn't go
00:03:52
Speaker
let ah let Let us continue. It got infected pretty bad and I had to walk funny for a while and my s-head cousin Sandy didn't let me hear the end of that f-ing one even though he's one to f-ing talk because he got a ton of glass in the arse that one time he jumped off my dad's shed and went right through that patio table arse first that had a glass tabletop. That's a bigger f-up than mine in my f-ing books. I don't know why Lance and Sandy both seem to think that they're their butt zones are impervious to you know being attacked by splinters and glass. Yeah, Ms. Elizabeth, the sympathy ah sounds a little bit hollow. I think you're kind of snickering at their injuries. you're kind of being ah Yeah, I'm saying they need to know that they need to protect their butts a little bit. Yeah, no kidding. Ms. Elizabeth, that's one of the commandments of rock.
00:04:41
Speaker
So this effing festival, can you imagine if there was a rock festival in Smilton and three million effing battle hardened rock warriors showed up? They'd flock to my effing store and I'd get on the roof and get them all fired the eff up and then I'd realize I'm now basically leading an army of three million effing battle hardened rock warriors and it's time for some effing rock conquest and some foundations down to the center of the earth would be effing rock and the thought of this just makes me effing happy. okay So this is basically what did happen in the in the death metal festival The only difference is that it was a special subset of rock called death metal No, no, it was being celebrated if Lance could just get on board with death metal I think that he would love every every single other thing that he just said happened in the death metal festival like a little in <unk> Including the foundations got shaken. Yes, he died well, we all know what happened. We talked about that last month during one of the episodes. Talking about the horrible experience Lance had with his store being damaged because of all the death metal nonsense happening underground or underneath. Awesome. Well, and well well let's get his side of the story here. I think that might be coming up here. all right
00:05:56
Speaker
i need Oh, plus, I think i was what I was going to say is that you're like one of those little devils that appears on somebody's shoulder and it's like, hey Lance, just give up rock, join death metal, and then you can have this army of yours. They wouldn't listen to a Miss Elizabeth, those cloak-wearing, clog-wearing weirdos. If Lance tried to rally the troops, they'd all just bump into each other and wander off. I saw what those death metal narrative was. Say what you will about them. They are not well organized. Well, it is difficult. It's like herding cats a little bit. It is. Yeah. Because they they all have just such unique visions of what the what the world of death metal really is. Fine. Stay at home and indulge yourself. Don't come flocking to Smilton to spread all that stuff around here. It's weird having three million like hyper-individualistic people all like doing one thing. Yeah, it it is weird, Miss Elizabeth. I'm glad you're... yeah you a I think the word you're searching for is off-putting.
00:06:47
Speaker
I need that these effin days because this festival normally just pees me off but this time they went to effin far and they did their underground playtime and ended up shaking my store to pieces like it was the stupidest effin earthquake of all time. because there was a concert and it took place in the catacombs and the catacombs happened to be directly right underneath Lance's store. A weak part in the earth's crust and there's some kind of sympathetic resonance or some kind of standing wave got stood up and Lance's store bore the brunt of that blow.
00:07:19
Speaker
okay Things got fixed back up and the store's effing fine, but that S shouldn't have happened in the first place. So if you death metal goofs so you death metal goofs are warned, don't try that F and S ever again. There will be consequences and nothing will ever be the effing same again if you try that stupid effing horse S again. And I'm here to tell you, on my word as an effing rock traveller and rock warrior of effing yore, don't you ever try that again. Okay, not until... Message received, Miss Elizabeth. Not until next July. you i I trust you're taking that warning to heart and you're gonna warn all your death metal cronies to stay the f away from Lance's store he's yeah he's pretty I would say apoplectic when he wrote this correct yeah miss Elizabeth you've read it yeah you've read the situation he might say that his he's he's red in the face
00:08:06
Speaker
Yeah. Why are you grinning? is that Miss Elizabeth, you should this should be ah it should be a but grim countenance of concern you wear. He's got some steam coming out of his ball cap. yeah it's He's a cartoon character, Miss Elizabeth, and feel free to laugh at him. Okay.
Lance's Romantic and Social Observations
00:08:21
Speaker
Consider that an effin' warning and an effin' guarantee that you don't want to kick over this Rock Scorpion's nest again, because if you do, you're gonna get stung by that effin' Pete off Rock Scorpion. Plus, I'll send my S-Head cousin Sandy over to your place, and we'll see how well you fare against an effin' Unleashed Rock Lobster. Does Sandy do his bidding when he continues to call him an S-Head every single time he references him?
00:08:46
Speaker
Oh, Ms. Elizabeth, yeah, one thing, it's about family and it's about rock. And families who rock treat each other a certain way and that kind of behavior is gonna be expected because it's all in good rock and fun, Ms. Elizabeth. All right, okay. This festival hasn't been a total waste of time. I saw my main squeeze on the other side of the street downtown yesterday. She was walking with her boyfriend. He got in the face of one of these three death metal guys and started talking ass. He yells really loud. and is hilarious and I could hear him clear as effing day. He starts effing taunting them and pushing them around and gets this one in a headlock and the other two freak out and effing tase Melinda's boyfriend because it turns out that those three were plainclothes cops dressed up as festival goofs and man did they get to work on Melinda's boyfriend. Melinda's boyfriend got hauled off and it looked like Melinda decided to hang around with the three cops for a while ah after effing words.
00:09:42
Speaker
I gotta get the story firsthand from my main Squeeze Melinda firsthand when I talk to her next time. OK, that's unusual. So Melinda's living the high life. Yeah, she's hanging out with cops now, I guess. She's hanging out with her boyfriend and then cops and then occasionally Lance. Yeah, so Lance is he's living the dream. He's got a main squeeze. You just got to leave him alone and don't try to gain say one and one bit of that, Miss Elizabeth, because I know what your suspicious mind thinks. Yeah, maybe that doesn't sound right to you. I just think that Melinda might be his main squeeze, but he is not her main squeeze. yeah Miss Elizabeth, today it's the ways of rock.
00:10:18
Speaker
And sometimes those rock glaciers move slow and and that woman's heart will be his, mark my words. All right. Well, maybe he needs to make room for somebody else to become a main squeeze in his life. but ah Could be. Miss Elizabeth, there's easy easy easy he's plenty of men, plenty of women go out would be plenty happy to be here. Are you in line to be Lance's next main squeeze? What on earth are you talking about? Just the way you said he was he was plenty man. All the ladies of Smilton can step up to the buffet is what I'm saying. ah this I know you're confused here because I'm being a good wingman. Okay, yes you are. Wingmen aren't interested in the and the whatever you call the other guy, the pilot or whatever.
00:10:57
Speaker
What an odd read, Miss Elizabeth. Okay, I just wonder. Odd. Okay. Lance's customer review. Okay, this is where in which Lance usually insults a customer, extremely... Reviews them, correct, right back, because he's sick of the one-star reviews. So the customers get get gig now get as good as they give. Because one thing that he could do is just get happy customers and then ask for reviews from them, and then that would fix it from the other side. Well, wave a magic wand, why don't you? So I don't know if you've ever noticed, but there have been these people dressed up as these stupid stupid death metal birds running around. Death metal turkeys, chickens, you ever name it? You missed Elizabeth? Yeah, we didn't bring that up earlier. No, we didn't.
00:11:40
Speaker
yeah ah i i I have podcasted with you for some time. yeah I know better than to ask for an explanation because it will be charming and light-hearted and it will be very rational and it will make no sense. Okay, my goodness. Because death metal has has been a part of the Smileson culture and it and we have a lot of animals here in Smileson. Correct. So of course the birds are wanting to also take part. OK, I say, Miss Elizabeth, you're you're trying to pull me down the rabbit hole and I'm going to resist. We got to stay on course here. All right. Well, one of these death metal ostriches came in the store. This guy comes in and I'm effing all over him. I'm all, what in the eff is wrong with you, dude? You're effing the head walking around in that thing. You've got these effing stupid clogs on, but
00:12:26
Speaker
What else? Oh, you mean it was a human dressed up as an ostrich? There's a human dressed up as Birds. Oh, Miss Elizabeth went straight to the real Birds participating in death metal festival festivities. Because Bird is participating. That's the least surprising thing I ever heard. Bird is the parrot that is part of my investigation team. Your clique. Yeah. Yeah. And of course he's part of it. And so he he has to his bird friends who are also part of it. But people are also dressing as different things, including, as we mentioned in one of the last shows, ah butterflies and other kinds of animals. Humans are dressing as death metal animals. So as you can tell, this festival and ostri this festival keeps getting worse. Yes.
00:13:08
Speaker
You got these effing clogs on, but what else makes you a death metal ostrich? Stop pecking at the effing floor and effing by something or get the eff out. Then my S-head cousin Sandy comes in dressed as the rock lobster. Yeah, a death metal rock lobster. Like he's dressed as a lobster all the time. He's not dressed up as a lobster for a special occasion. How dare you're you? You're accusing me of some but variety of hip I think there might be something there. Okay. here' Here's a little thing that shows you how unbalanced the scales are. The Rock Lobster is effing hilarious. Okay. When he starts humping everything in sight, you cannot help but fall down lines. I like the ostrich too. I think the ostrich is also funny. Although the death metal real ostriches are so elegant.
00:13:56
Speaker
Yup. I believe you, Miss Elizabeth. And those are are those are among the ah the many guests to the town that don't seem to be leaving. They're so fast, too, those ostriches. They rock fast. So my s-ed cousin Sandy comes in dressed as the rock lobster and these two start circling each other. The rock lobster is clicking his claws together and that stupid ostrich is hissing and spitting and I'm just popping the f-ing popcorn because I know a down-home brawl was going to erupt and with the rock gods of f-ing yours my witness it f-ing did.
00:14:30
Speaker
Oh my god, I laughed my effin' arse off. Guitars are being kicked over amps, getting smashed. Both these goofs were swearing their arses off. Are you sure it was a human dress as an ostrich? I hope so. If it was a real ostrich, he would have had no chance. Yeah, Sandy would have been in a world of trouble. yeah I haven't laughed so hard in like seven effing weeks punching and kicking lots of screams the rock lobster got that ostrich in a camel clutch but that effing bird didn't submit but the rock lobster has effing strong has an effing strong ground gap grappling game and once he slapped that ankle lock on needless to eff and say the lobster won that battle and that stupid ostrich flew on home to mama but what an effing show ostriches don't fly five five stars
00:15:14
Speaker
Five stars.
Lance's Rock Philosophy and Humor
00:15:15
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. He liked the show. He popped the f-ing popcorn and and the show were unfolded before his eyes. So, but the ostrich came in, had a fight with Sandy, who's supposed to be promoting the the store. Yeah. And gets his ass kicked apparently. or No, no. and He won the fight. He slapped the ankle lock on the ostrich. But then he went. And then the ostrich took off. Yeah. Without buying anything. No, but what an effing show. Okay, but that's what I'm saying, is that Sandy probably should have lost the ostrich. Yes, Lance might have lost, maybe lost sight of the prize there, briefly. And Sandy, too, because isn't Sandy supposed to be promoting the store? Yeah, Mrs. Elizabeth, you can pick apart anything if you want. Okay. It was a good time, can't you just let him have that after the month of turmoil he just went through? It does sound like it was hilarious. Top five effing rock vocalists of all effing time.
00:15:59
Speaker
and Okay, I wonder if you are going to be part of this list because hardly missalism you do have the Smile Syndicate. Yes, I do. Which is on all streaming platforms. But you Miss Elizabeth, there are so many great rock icons to go through. Let's see which ones rose to the top lets of Rock Mount Olympus number five. i wonder number five that guy from molly hatchet okay that crazy effort drank eight bottles of jack in one show and it's on youtube if you want to f-ing doubt me yeah i do doubt that that sounds wrong does he mean mini bottles and i don't think so that just doesn't sound right but that's ah that's a solid entry at number five number i think you that would kill you Number four,
00:16:40
Speaker
number four some Japanese chick. She's in this band and she's dressed as a warrior and in this one video she's fighting some computer monsters. Not really rock, more like video game music, but man, she looked fine. Okay, so we're basically just experiencing Lance's memory of a female that he witnessed online. Yeah, on a video somewhere. We have no way of tracking her down at all. So what is this list doing? It's telling you who the top five F-ing Rock vocalists are. So Ms. Elizabeth, she beguiled him. Who? Some Japanese chick. Okay. Number three, Ozzy F-ing Osborne. Happy now. I'm happy.
00:17:22
Speaker
An opera guy got interviewed one time and he was all, if I could sing like Ozzy, this opera S would be a piece of effin' cake. And that's an effin' opera guy saying that. An opera guy. An opera singer? Yes. A classical... Yes. Trained trained training singer. yes Okay. So that tells you the the level of respect Ozzy F. in Osborne has. I'm not sure if that's really true. Number two, Rob Halford. The guy sings and drives an effing motorcycle at the same time. How in the hell can he do that? You got to be a good effing singer to not effing crash that Harley hog into the side of the studio. But oh, man, if he did, he'd be like the coolest version of the Kool-Aid man ever. Oh, yeah. OK, what is the point?
00:18:11
Speaker
What is the point in singing or making any noise while you are riding a motorcycle? As you may recall, motorcycles are extremely loud. Yeah, so Miss Elizabeth, once again, you're applying this forensic approach to enthusiasm where you're just so you're so willing to unweave this sweater of enthusiasm. I'm just saying, it's not, the the point isn't that he didn't crash. The point is that he sang and anybody could tell. He drives the motorcycle on stage at the beginning of a song. but That's a traditional thing at a Judas Priest concert. Lance has got it in his head that he just drives around the whole time singing and driving the motorcycle at the same time and not just on stage, but in studio as well. yeah When they kind of need a pristine audio environment with which to record clean tracks. Yeah. Well, we remember.
00:19:01
Speaker
hearing people in their garage with motorcycles. Oh, yeah. Making a lot of racket. Miles Syndicate HQ had some colorful neighbors back in the day. We did. Are you ready to hear the number one best f-ing rock vocalist of all f-ing time? The best rock vocalist. Okay. Number one, Lance Brock. Yours effing truly. Surprised? Then you haven't effing heard Lance Brock's going snake rock in this whole frickin' town and you will and you will soon, so don't be surprised. Okay, this is, yeah. there you guys i I believe him. Okay, so he's calling himself the best. I think this is why he can't ever launch is because he keeps on overselling and never actually trying. But Miss Elizabeth, you've heard the scuttlebutt, surely. I have, it's all coming from Lance though.
00:19:47
Speaker
ah Yeah, but you kind of forget that that's the case. And you're just going, everybody's talking about this band. Like when they, when Handsome Mike finally gives in and and lets them play at his bar, yeah it's like, they just give the people what they want. Okay. Well, you know, I really do hope that it turns out okay for Lance. It's working. This whole thing is working. Don't worry about it. Okay. That's it. Another rock talk in the effing books. Make sure you're staying true to rock, which is kind of tough these days with the sheer number of goofs with painted faces running around like the most goofy arts cartoon show ever. But the commandments of rock are clear.
00:20:21
Speaker
There are foundations to be rocked, rock and roll highways to be traveled, so ignore the effing noise. And if it's not noise, it's effing rock. Couldn't have put it better myself. Peace out, Lance Brock has left the effing building over and effing out. All right. Well done. Rock talk. I feel emboldened to take a more feisty approach to life, Miss Elizabeth, backed up by the commandments of Rock. So that's the point of any segment on this show, dear listener friend. You've got to feel better coming out of the segment than you did going in. yeah And if you feel worse, then we've done something wrong or Miss Elizabeth screwed up Royal somewhere along the line. I hope you don't feel worse.
00:21:01
Speaker
I don't, dear listener friend, if you feel worse, maybe listen to that segment again, just jump back. You probably went sideways there, the way you're listening, and because ah the destination that I just arrived at is Happytown, so. Okay. what Again, we all have a responsibility here to pull off a successful show, to dear your listener friend, and you gotta do your part too. Okay. Music. Do you want to hear a song, Miss Elizabeth? I do. I've been yapping a long time. I've got to take a drink and I've got to relax a bit and get a recharge from some music. And how about a song by the Smile Syndicate, so I'm going to reach on over. What are you drinking? Water. Oh, OK. It's very hot these days, Miss Elizabeth. It is hot, yeah. Tune in to Smileton Radio. There
Musical Interlude by The Smile Syndicate
00:21:44
Speaker
we go. And oh my goodness, we're in the middle of the year, but it's never too early to listen to New Year's Skeev. Let's go.
00:22:00
Speaker
Five, four, three, two, one The New Year's finally here Let's sing that song and have some fun Celebration time Let's go dance, the night's still young The crowd is all a jumbo Someone just sneezed in their hand People crammed to close This isn't going how I planned New Year's keep Chutes up your spine It's the hoot of the time New Year's keep Put some pin in your thumb Now the good times are done New Year's keep New Year's keep A New Year's finally here
00:22:52
Speaker
Let's sing that song and have some fun Celebration time Let's go dance the night still young New Year's keep Chutes up your spine It's the hoot of the time New Year's keep Puts a pin in your palm Now the good times are done New Year's keep New Year's keep
00:23:52
Speaker
What just brushed my neck? My shoes are sticking to the ground Something dripped on me Let me off this merry-go-round New Year's scheme Shoots up your spine, it's a hoot of the time New Year's scheme Put some pain in your bum, now the good times are done. New Year's keep. Chutes up your spine, it's a hoot of the time. New Year's keep. Put some pain in your bum, now the good times are done.
00:24:39
Speaker
New Year's skis by the Smile Syndicate right here. Hello, Smileton. Smileton Radio doing us well, doing a good job again. This that reminds me, Christmas is always coming, no matter what time of year it is. That's how you got to think about it. Yeah. You got to prep and you got to look forward to things. Yeah. And songs like that will just propel you on your way even harder. I'm looking forward to those festivities. So having stuff to look forward to is important, but another thing that really gets me going is hard cash. And that's why we sell ah our our ability to get the word out to the highest bidder. 50 bucks will get you to get us to say whatever you want. It's 75 now, but it used to be 50. I've been saying 50 still, Miss Elizabeth. but If I try to pull that 75 stuff, I'm going to get some sour looks. It's 75. I don't I don't move for more than. OK, well, I don't know how much I don't know how much this ah this paid advertiser ah advertisement person paid us. I collected it. So it's good. And it's gone. It's gone, right? It's not in the show coffers. OK, good. OK, that doesn't sound right to me. It went in and it went out. Okay, well then maybe you should read this ad because you already spent the money. Okay, today's episode of Hello, Smileton is brought to you by The Barking Better. The Barking Better. As in one who bets and also barks. The Barking Better. I wonder what that could be. Smileton's number one source for sports betting info and the only one that's powered by the mind of Oscar, the sports betting dog. Yeah.
00:26:15
Speaker
This mountain celebrity that... Have you trusted him yet with your betting cash? I haven't, but I believe that Oscar has a pretty impressive record when it comes to betting on sports. He's pretty smart. He's very wily. He knows what he's doing. He does his homework. Yeah. So I'm just going to read this as it was presented to me. Oh, that's what... Miss Elizabeth, they didn't just hand you 75 bucks so you can go traipsing off to the department store. I know. Yeah, you got to hold up your end of the bargain here. Yeah. If you're like me, you're sick of betting it all and losing your shirt because you got faulty intel about the latest big sporting match. Where can you turn to get those crucial picks that you need to turn your financial fortunes around and stop looking like a schmuck all the time?
00:27:01
Speaker
Certainly not your family. They disapprove of your incessant gambling and can't see the big picture. yeah They wouldn't know a winner if it walked up to them in a top hat and introduced himself with a flourish. So so forget them. What about friends? Those goofs? They can barely tie their shoes, let alone crunch all the data required to make accurate sports picks. Plus, they're in worse shape than you are, betting wise. Taking advice from them on who to bet on is like taking all your cash and setting it on fire and flushing it down the toilet after you've set the toilet on fire. So forget about that. This is being positioned pretty hard, Miss Elizabeth. It's advising you to abandon your family and friends. Full confidence, not abandon, but, you know, focus on other sources of information. Ignore with extreme prejudice. That's right.
00:27:54
Speaker
Well, you're telling me that you got some dog that can make the pics for me? I hear you saying, who cares? I watched a dog on YouTube who bounced a ball down the stairs and it landed in one team's garbage instead of another. Can your dog do better? I'm going to pretend that you aren't stupid and didn't ask that question. was but That's how I was betting also through the NHL playoffs the dog on some stairs and it would bounce a ball and it would land in a One of two garbage cans that had the team logo of the competing teams on it. and That's how you placed a bet Yeah, so just random chance
00:28:27
Speaker
Well, the dog but I didn't think it was random. If the dog didn't, it was just making it up as it went along, then that's not helping anybody. had The dog was just making it up. Yeah. mind how My pal Oscar the sports betting dog has a track record that speaks for itself. Have you seen the color that he wears? All diamonds. Where did that come from? From the pockets of bookies who wish that they'd never heard of Oscar the sports betting dog. Since that frickin' dog entered this betting scene, his record has been perfect. NHL F1 NBA, the major leagues of baseball. He hasn't lost one cent betting on that stuff and lucky for you, he's indicated that he's ready to share his success with the world.
00:29:12
Speaker
yeah I appreciate braggadocio but that's over the top Miss Elizabeth. i died like I'm starting to doubt that you can use a dog and say that it's making the picks and everyone can have a good time and you know it's a good way to sell this thing but it's telling him yeah if you're trying to put off that this dog has actually made picks and has a 100% success rate at betting on sports I'm gonna need to see the documentation. To be honest, Jason, I'm starting to feel as though not only does Oscar do all of this, you know, booking bets, I think he also might have written this copy.
00:29:46
Speaker
Yeah, that would explain a few things. It would. Oh, goodie, free money for me then? Well, kind of, my dim friend. You see, it's insulting. Yeah, that's a good ad. Yeah. For a small fee, you can call Oscar at the sports betting dogs power picks hotline and get a take it to the bank and put it there. Put it in there. All that money that you just won pick. I didn't get that. I didn't understand that. Miss Elizabeth, it was clear as mud. A super pick. It's a pick where you get you're going to get a bunch of money from it and take it to the bank, which literally means ah be certain of the accuracy of this pick and take all the money that you're going to win from it. Take that to the bank and put it in there. but my problem is that that's yeah that's not all one word okay place your bet and watch the money pour in huh i see i've got your attention your eyes just lit up like a greedy wolf drooling like he was going to eat all those three little pigs and who the hell cares about the houses that they live in well try to restrain yourself and show a little dignity oscar's about to make you rich but that doesn't mean you get to lose your ass everywhere and embarrass yourself
00:30:56
Speaker
So for only $129 US per minute, you'll get the best picks from the best brain on the problem. That of Oscar the sports betting dog. Oh, that's steep. That's very steep. And I think it's a little bit extra to just call it US dollars because we are in Canada. True enough, Miss Elizabeth. I think the international sport is covered by this thing if i if I'm not mistaken. Okay, so there's betting going on. He's trying to take money from the U.S. But if you're trying to like round up some like but like cricket picks and and Australian rules football picks, maybe some golf picks, that's going to run 10, 20 minutes. You're going to be in that poor house before you even get a bet laid down. All right. Sound too steep? Oh, that's too much money? Then don't call. Simple.
00:31:44
Speaker
I think if you won anything using Oscar, the sports betting dogs picks, you'd run off and lose it immediately doing something dumb with it anyway. So who needs you? But for the rest of you, just call the barking better with your, so he's not calling himself. It is Oscar, the sports betting dog. Okay. But his brand is the barking better with your credit card ready and put yourself on the path to riches. 1 800 Oscar call today. Oh boy, oh boy. it's ah that's that That whole ad raises a number of questions. but does Very steep price. I do think with the with the focus on the imagery, like the three pigs, I do think that that supports the idea that this was in fact written by Oscar, who's got a preoccupation with Miss Elizabeth, hunting animals yeah when you talk about ah these ah animals who are apparently doing all these amazing things in Smile Time, you don't have to look too hard to find a human facilitator. They're a little lurking around in the background. and I'm sure that's the case here. Oscar's got a human friend. part of for For sure he's got employees. I'm not denying that.
00:32:48
Speaker
yeah Well, Ms. Elizabeth, we're midway through the year. I mentioned that earlier. Yeah. What that normally means by the time you get into July, get into the August timeframe, just as we are now, the new year is way in the past. We're heading towards the next new year's and all the resolutions we made back in January are left in the dust. Well, we don't operate that way on this show. We don't. We don't. We're committed. Miss Elizabeth and I swore to uphold our resolutions and we're keeping each other honest so we check in with each other relatively frequently about them so we're going to do that right now yeah for the latest edition of New Year's resolution update so yeah I'm gonna start off with one. And this does one of your shortest resolutions Miss Elizabeth. ok How are you doing with this one? Salsa!
00:33:41
Speaker
Oh my goodness, I'm glad you picked up on this one. This is great. I love the dooble entendre or the multiple entendre that you can have with some of these resolutions because if you're in a different sort of a mood, you can either have salsa with your chips or you could dance the salsa. ah So you pretty much mean this can mean anything you want. Or if you just want to keep things anything, keep things spicy. That's right. Keep things spicy. So there's no way you can fail at this one. You can fail by not taking on the feeling the feeling, you know, the general mood and energy of the concept of salsa. So you have it now. I have the concept of salsa. yeah I'm doing this wrong. yeah I just asked you a question and you said I've done it and then you don't have to back it up. it It's just a feeling. yes Easiest thing in the world. Because this one is yours. I got to get better at pretending to be a doctor. Yeah. I mean, oh my goodness.
00:34:39
Speaker
um Not for any ill-conceived purposes. I feel like our actual doctor has enough trouble pretending to be a doctor. Something happens and people need a doctor. yeah like I'm not going to say I'm a doctor because I'm not one, but if I start acting like one, it's going to calm people down. It's going to diffuse any kind of tense situation. No, it's going to cause major problems because people will say, is there a doctor in the house? They're looking for help. And are you able to actually provide the help? or just the fiction? i'm could I would be... It's those common people down is a help. Okay. Saying, all right, folks, take don't worry about it. I know what's i know what to do here. And what do you do then? but they you Then you you kind of so you monitor the situation.
00:35:25
Speaker
Well, yeah you get everybody calmed down and maybe one of them remembers that they're a doctor and they can step forward to help, or I i call for help. Miss Elizabeth, it's it's not it's not going to happen. okay this is This is one of these things where it's I got to act in a certain way that garners respect for myself. so Yeah, okay, self-respect, that's a good one. Why don't you just put that? Not self-respect, I respect myself plenty. It's it's just that it doesn't get recognized widely enough in this town and in certain social situations I deserve to be treated in a better ah in a better manner. okay And if I think I just start putting on airs like I'm a doctor or something, would that help? A doctor or something?
00:36:06
Speaker
Um, I think you could just, why don't you just get more into costuming? I think it's going to be like, I need a fancy watch and then I need to be like, I just need to move faster. It's like, i mean I'm really impatient and I got to look like, I got to just look at people like you're wasting my time. Yeah. Like dress like a rabbit and occasionally look at your pocket watch. Well, thanks. That, that resolution is just blown up in my face. Yeah, you nuked it. So here's your next one. OK. Read more books by local authors. Yes, this is a great one because it really supports other people. It supports the locals. And I'm going to add to this not only local authors, but especially those local authors who are some of our four legged fine furry friends. Because we do have at least one author who's... Rainbow's the book writing dog. Who is a local author who deserves to be celebrated. And also, then you get to actually have the pleasure of reading fiction too. So it's like Many Birds, One Stone. Uh-huh. I was going to warden you off of that one. In stronger terms, I could muster. Because reading local authors is Just, you're just, I don't miss them. Some of them are good. So off-putting. Some of them are good. It cannot be true. They're inspiring and the more you inspire them, the more inspiring they become. And it's like an inspirational, you know. I would say to all local authors, there's too many of you. Just read amongst yourselves. Leave the rest of us alone. That is what we're doing.
00:37:38
Speaker
OK, well, this was yours. Get real good at juggling. Oh, I like how this is starting. Yeah. Get real. good Are you getting good at juggling? We'll see. OK, get real good at juggling, even though I hate it. Do you hate juggling? Yeah, I have no time for it at all. Those colorful balls. Yeah. Just imagine the look on that stupid juggler's face when I take his juggle balls away. So you're just trying to start juggling as a competitive thing? Like an aggressive... Keep going. The scenario will present itself if you keep reading. Take his juggle balls away, then set them on fire. Oh, like trick juggling. Yeah. And then juggle them like it's nothing. Yeah, trick juggling. It's part of a theme, another respect thing. But you shouldn't shut you shouldn't light another juggler's balls on fire. Too bad. yeah i got i got a show up on fire i got no miss elizabeth I got a show to perform.
00:38:33
Speaker
and to And to show up that ne'er-do-well juggler, that's that's that's the beginning of the fun. So i don't I have no issue with ah involving other people in my resolutions. And the end product of such activities is to make this town better. Yeah, OK. You're looking at me with intense skepticism. Well, I hope that you do learn how to juggle, even though you hate it. I only want to be able to pull this stunt off. I think you'll get better at juggling, though. And I think you'll discover that maybe you've got some hidden talent. Well, don't don't count on it. OK.
00:39:08
Speaker
finished the draft for my book of short stories before the end of the year. yeah mean You are one of the local authors. That way other people can start supporting me by reading my local author content. yeah Let me guess, the the short stories are about some of our animal friends here in town? Some, yeah, sure. Is is is it about Smilton or is it about a fictional town? i I'm gonna say wait until it gets published and then you can read it. And then you'll be one of person who's reading local authors. I will think of a way around that, Miss Elizabeth. Just give me some. It's different because we you we host a show together. Are you going to go to Pickle Hills and read my stuff from there? Maybe, maybe. That that would work. OK.
00:39:51
Speaker
Yeah, I think you've got one more to check in on. I do, okay. Get any stupid video of me, get any stupid video of me on a carnival ride. that's yeah There's more more than one. Get any stupid video of me on a carnival ride that's still circulating scrubbed from the internet once and for all. yeah Jason, I strongly recommend against following through on this one only because when you try to scrub something from the internet, it goes viral. it Too late for that, Miss Elizabeth, because I show up in way too many fail compilations of people on rides, screaming, passing out. Vomiting. You name it. yeah I don't do well on rides. yeah I tried. Crying. I went on that stupid roller coaster in the big city near here, ah and it it in it in I thought I should be able to do it because some 11-year-old girl can do this thing. And I got in line and I didn't want to do it. And who's in front of the line? Who's in front of me in line? Two 11-year-old girls. yeah They were having fun and they went on the thing and I went on there too and I felt sick for 24 hours afterwards. And did you throw up? No, but I decided it was going to be okay to do it in public.
00:41:01
Speaker
I was sitting there on that bench and there's that garbage, that garbage receptacle thing. And I mentally decided I'm going to go over there and throw up in that thing. That's just going to have to be the way it is. But you didn't. At the mall. No, I didn't. I didn't. It didn't come to it. yeah So that's where I was starting from. And I tried to erase that horrible story from my memory. And I started going on the Internet. Well, fortunately, that one's not on the Internet, but me going on a bunch of kid rides and still having a similarly bad experience. Yeah. Maybe you just have like a vertigo. Maybe you're just someone who can't do rides or maybe you're someone who can't tolerate fun at all. Probably a little about Miss Elizabeth, but you should see those commentators. They are stupid and heartless.
00:41:40
Speaker
So enough of them, scrub the video, playtime's over. Alright, but if you do scrub try to scrub it, I'm just warning you that one of the effects can be that it comes back stronger. I'll take my chances, because it's it's pretty bad right now. Alright. That's it for New Year's resolution update. I don't know how we're doing. what We got work to do, clearly. I'm doing okay. Still lots of year left, still lots of work to do. We do have a lot of work to do, that's true. That's what resolutions are all about. Well, the the the very prospect of such work is exhausting on its face and I need a turbo charge of energy and that's why right now here in the Marquis song slot we're gonna rip open a can of rock and unleash love storm on the world. Let's go.
00:44:06
Speaker
Love Storm by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hellosmouthing. Yeah, I do love that song. it's like that's like ah That's like a-sized hurricane flying straight at you. and then Fantastic. yeah You get rocked, and then before you know it, the wind's dying down. Yeah, it's over. It's like a tornado. Yeah, so we did that's the way rock ought to be, Miss Elizabeth. It's great. Well, we've had fun today. ah and we good The summer is still going strong. We got lots more fun to do before the summer is out. And we're going to be back here next week, delivering another episode of Hello, Smileton. Miss Elizabeth, it's not ending this joyful treadmill. Let's keep it going. Let's do it. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here. So let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton. So spread the word and make a difference.
00:45:00
Speaker
So it's bye bye from Jason. Bye bye. And bye bye from me. See you next week, and as always, remember friends, the sun is a jukebox.