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You Don't Applaud The News! What Planet Do You People Live On?
41 Plays9 months ago
A world of entertainment is about to slide on in nice'n'easy into those earholes and who on earth would say "no, thanks" to such a thing? Not you, that's for sure! And it's a good thing, too, 'cause here comes the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Miss Elizabeth and Jason, your trusty podcasting companions, are broadcasting from the heart of Smileton and you've never experienced such an intense concoction of comedy and musical entertainments as is on display presently.
Whether you crave some classic SMILETON NEWS in which Miss Elizabeth brings her off-kilter, but hard-hitting, nevertheless, news cast or a wacked out message from Jason's life coach Jerry The Life Coach, this episode has what you need. Plus our hosts quiz each other on their on-going New Year's resolutions which always causes fireworks, so how can you lose?
Two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE add to the fun which is pretty much maxed out anyway but we found a way to raise it even higher so there you go.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
2:23 Smileton News (from January 3, 2022)
19:49 SONG – Rogue and Rascal
22:12 Pneumatic Tube / New Year's Resolution Update (from May 1, 2023)
40:14 SONG – Get Thee To A Disco
Recommended
Transcript
Live from Smiles in Alberta
00:00:04
Speaker
Hello, Smiles and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. A charming introduction, as always. Thank you, dear listener friend, for checking us out today. I hope you're in the mood for fun.
00:00:25
Speaker
I pretty much am. Are you? Yeah. Okay. Normally I'm in a fairly foul mood when we start this show. You're in a good mood because you are going out to see some players play a game. Yes, there's a hockey game tonight that I'm going to in Not in Smilton, but in a nearby city that has an NHL franchise. Very special players. Yes. I understand. Ms. Elizabeth, they're kings of the world.
00:00:50
Speaker
Not to be missed.
Death Metal Conference Plans
00:00:52
Speaker
Absolutely not. Well, Miss Elizabeth is feeling a little bit loosey-goosey because she is well. I'm heading to a hockey game. The interns are going to hear it. Smile Syndicate HQ are going to be scuttling off to do who knows what. And Miss Elizabeth is heading to the airport because she's got to do what? You're flying out of Smilton. I don't like it. Death Metal Conference.
00:01:11
Speaker
So it's a way surely you can do that on Skype No, you have to be there in person. You get a lot of stuff like you get bet printed bags and you get you know, you're You're jumping on a plane to fly who knows where just to round up some death metal shot skis. Well, that's not the old
00:01:29
Speaker
That's not the only reason. You know, you also learn about how to put together a really effective death metal festival. And you learn some tips and tricks because death metal festivals are happening all over the world. Miss Elizabeth, if you wanted festival tips, you should have come straight to me. Death metal festival this summer, shut the enterprise down.
00:01:50
Speaker
That's my tip to you. We don't need the word getting out anymore about that festival. It's too successful for its own good. It's heading straight for us like a torpedo this July,
Revisiting Past Show Segments
00:02:00
Speaker
not looking forward to it. And it's negatively impacting the show because we're not going to do a full song and dance capering. We're going to do something that is a good thing to do, which is revisit our past and honor our past successes. That's right. It's time for us to do a pic. I'd like to do a Miss Elizabeth pic.
00:02:17
Speaker
Okay, fine. How about you do one? I do one. And your listener friend is the winner. Okay, so my pick is a Smileton News segment. As you know, Jason, all news is kind of still new news here in Smileton. Miss Elizabeth, I appreciate the gumption.
00:02:39
Speaker
But can I give you before you go? It's too late. You've already picked a smile to news. I was going to offer guidelines and considerations. I'm going to do it anyway for future picks. How about that? OK, because this just came to me and this is a freewheeling show. And I'm just going to tell you what's going on inside my fevered brain. I'm here to learn, Jason.
00:02:57
Speaker
You can pick any segment from the vast archives of this show, Hello Smilton, or its spiritual forebear, the previously produced show called The Smile Syndicate Music Hour. Either of those is fair game, it's me and you having fun on both shows, but the following rules must be adhered to. One, no mocking me.
00:03:17
Speaker
No picking segments where I come off in any way bad, where I say something that is amusing at my expense, where I tell a tale of becoming the victim of some ne'er-do-well's bad behavior, or where I'm a
00:03:33
Speaker
victim of circumstance.
Local News and Oddities
00:03:35
Speaker
Okay, so a little bit late for bringing that to my attention. Now, we are going to go to a small 10 news from 269. This is from the year 2022. It's January the third and it was entitled the grip strength of 10. I hope you've honored the rules with this pick. Let's listen.
00:03:54
Speaker
Well, we got to turn to a happier topic than Miss Elizabeth messing up. And that is the news. Yeah. Smilton has been deviled by the worst bunch of hacks you ever saw. Where do you turn in Smilton for news? The radio.
00:04:09
Speaker
Television. Don't make me laugh. The movie theaters. Yeah. The newspapers. Each of them are a different shade of bad. That's right. And you don't even know where these people are getting their ideas of what news should be, where they even get those ideas from. Fortunately, we have a news hound right here with us, dear most of our friend. Miss Elizabeth has been keeping her eagle ears on the streets. She's pulled together the true news that we need to know about Smilton. Smilton residents are fed up with the news, but they need the proper news and they need it.
00:04:39
Speaker
good and hard. And that's why we're here to bring it to them with the Smileton News with Miss Elizabeth. Good evening, Smileton. Let's talk about some news. The agony of defeats of strength.
00:04:54
Speaker
Well, let me just stop you right there, Miss Elizabeth. I think that's enough. You don't like my title? I don't know about that headline at all. A local doctor is warning that Smilton residents need to stop performing reckless feats of strength because it is putting them in the hospital, Jason.
00:05:12
Speaker
Dr. Otto Kremm took to local radio yesterday with an urgent message of overflowing emergency rooms and irritated medical personnel. Look, guys, you got to cool it, says Dr. Kremm. Enough with the lifting cinder blocks with broomsticks and trying to lift up hatchbacks and pulling school buses with your teeth. Everybody knows you're a big man already, so just knock it off. You're just hurting yourselves.
00:05:41
Speaker
This reporter has personally witnessed a man throwing out his back attempting to lift a picnic table with six people sitting on it. Hmm. I hope that the people of Smileson find a new hobby quick because this one is becoming a pain in the neck. Oh, very good, Miss Elizabeth. Who elected this doctor mother hand in chief? Dr. Crown. Dr. Crown, spare me, doc.
00:06:05
Speaker
Dr. Krum is just a little bit sick of all the backs being put out unnecessarily, Jason. Was this not a life hack that you presented some time last year? Well, if people are doing this in some small part because of the messaging I've been giving out and I say bravo, thank you for listening. Keep going. Don't let these nags. Ladies and gentlemen, you should be out there lifting weights. You should be out there trying to push trees over. You should be out there trying to lift things that are way too heavy. What?
00:06:31
Speaker
Don't throw your back telling you to throw your back out. Okay, but it's like oh I worked out and my muscles are sore. Well. Yeah, you're not gonna get strong unless you push Okay, so it's once again some people are having fun people are trying to improve them prove themselves And what do we have some nags saying don't do it? Okay? Well this doctor with walnuts, okay? Give space peace a chance
00:06:55
Speaker
hmm New Year's revelers space piece New Year's revelers at the Smilton UFO landing pad got a treat earlier this week as the battling UFOs above took a break from their dog fighting to put on an impromptu fireworks display
00:07:13
Speaker
Happy New Year, Smileton. Said one onlooker, if they can get along for an hour or so, why don't they just get along for longer and stop the fighting and start sharing their space wisdom with us? Wow. Good question, Jason. Is it? I think so. I have my own questions about this one.
00:07:30
Speaker
Smileton, do you want to ask now? No, no, keep going, keep going. Smileton time officer Brady Benchley caught all the action from the UFO landing pads control room and has wise words for us. Our battling alien friends gave us a delightful New Year's greeting of peace and promptly went back to blowing each other out of the stars. Okay. So they only took a break for an hour. Yeah. Maybe this is all a message for us. Maybe we should mend our ways.
00:08:01
Speaker
That's what Brady eventually said. This reporter can only nod an agreement and quickly turn her head back to the dazzling UFO battle action that is still raging high above our heads, Jason. It's a thing of its own beauty, watching them fight. I told you last month, there are no UFOs battling above smoth, and it's winter swamp gas or a weather balloon.
00:08:23
Speaker
that's swamp gas or a weather balloon missiles but it makes no like i i like how the the whole idea that we have ufos in smile 10 at all or that's just accepted 50 miles ago we have a way back landing pad we have a uf we do have a ufo landing pad one one one of the bigger boondogs what's the explanation for that obviously we have ufos they occasionally land there why no my what i i i should be the one demanding an explanation
00:08:50
Speaker
People are saying, we're just going to take as a given that there are UFOs, that they are battling, and that they did take a pause in the battles to shoot off some fireworks. And why can't they do that? And why don't they share their space wisdom? Instead of sitting there looking up at the sky with your mouth hanging open, do something productive. OK, well, can you dig it? These questions are folly at its most nauseating, Miss Elizabeth. All right, well, can you dig it, Jason? Can I dig what?
00:09:20
Speaker
A groundbreaking ceremony for the Smilton Big Dig was interrupted by protesters and by the fact that the ground is frozen and really hard to dig in. Yeah, imagine, a groundbreaking, it's January now, a groundbreaking ceremony, come on. It's pretty icy out there. The proposed world's deepest traffic tunnel would be dug 3,000 feet below the surface of Smilton at a cost of $38 billion. That's a billion with a B, everybody.
00:09:48
Speaker
Yeah. You know what else starts with a bee? A boondoggle. A boondoggle, okay. This sounds like money well spent if you ask this reporter. I'll take any relief that I can get from Smileton's occasional traffic snarls, which can be annoying Jason, you have to admit. Oh, yeah. Let's spend $38 billion to fix your little headaches, Miss Elizabeth. The handful of protesters who besieged the ceremony, primarily banked pots and shouted slogans that rhymed,
00:10:17
Speaker
Okay. Were they effective though? That's the question. Was this big dig cancelled because of those rhyming slogans? Their concerns seem to be centered around not wanting to disturb the catacombs beneath the town or the slumbering ancient ones. More folly. Sounds like a small price to pay to get me to my afternoon tea a little quicker if you ask this reporter.
00:10:40
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, once again, you're navel gazing. You've got rose colored glasses on while you gaze at your own navel. Afternoon tea, getting there without a traffic snarl. If that's your top priority, you got to shake your head. Yeah. Well, and not only that Jason, but if we aroused this because you're overlooking arousing the like slumbering ancient ones. I think that I was going to get to that. I'd like to meet, I'd like to meet some slumbering ancient ones. I bet there, I bet there are no slumbering ancient ones underneath Smile to Miss Elizabeth.
00:11:08
Speaker
Quite alright when you actually get to meet them. So then what you're saying is there aren't any slumbering ancient ones, therefore there's really no risk. Or danger in digging. There is a danger. Because what it's going to be is a big vacuum tube hole that's going to suck 38 billion dollars into it that could have been used for other things. How do we even have 38 billion dollars in the town coffers?
00:11:29
Speaker
Well, actually, let me withdraw the question because I know our inept, corrupt mayor, she may be inept, she may be corrupt, but she's got 80,000 tentacles when it comes to grabbing cash from inappropriate places. Well, she does seem to get herself connected with a lot of boondoggles, but this isn't one of those. This is going to make it faster for us to get from point A to point B. Super fast. You've loaded these news stories with so much nonsense, I feel like I can barely dig my way out of it.
00:11:57
Speaker
Alright then, turning now to the world
Street Hockey Highlights and Debates
00:11:59
Speaker
of sports. Let's run down the scores for these Smiles and Northside community street hockey league. Now you're talking. Now you're talking about something decent. The Randy Vagabonds overcame a three goal deficit and eked out a four to three victory over the slumping dorks of Mordor. Yeah.
00:12:17
Speaker
Yeah. Fog Horn, I'm right there with you. I was among the first to say that the dorks of Mordor were a flash in the pan. There is no way they were going to be able to sustain that pace. It was more flash than grit. That's for sure. And the costumes that they play in were becoming more and more elaborate, slowing them down, removing their agility, Miss Elizabeth. These dorks certainly lived up to their names.
00:12:43
Speaker
and the Randy Vagabonds, they showed up ready to play. They put in the full 60 minutes and they did pretty good for a bunch of Randy Vagabonds. You know, I feel like you really almost, you almost hamper yourself right in the beginning when you call yourself a dork of Mordor, you're almost like not going to succeed beyond. Yeah, I just want to see tennis balls pelted at them in a never ending cascade.
00:13:08
Speaker
Well, that seems to have been indeed what happened, Jason. The Jennifer Conleys showed up midway through the second period and still clobbered the Jolly Piper experience. And that was a game that ended 68 to 59, Jason. Think of that. Jennifer Conley. Think of that.
00:13:25
Speaker
There are a lot of things here. There's a lot of things to talk about. One, the Jolly Piper experience is one of the worst teams I ever saw. Imagine having a full half game with no one to oppose you. All you have to do is get the tennis ball in the net.
00:13:40
Speaker
over and over and over and over. Yeah. They did their best. The Jennifer Connelly's roll up. They, they fall out of their station wagons. They hit the street halfway through the game and they still win. They still win. They dominated. I don't know if the jolly, if those guys, even a jolly Piper experience even got one goal after the general Jennifer Connelly. So it was insane. We got it. We got to have some kind of bracketing system or something. Cause a team that terrible should not be facing the Jennifer Connelly's. And I worry that they are getting too big for their own bridges. You
00:14:09
Speaker
That's arrogance not showing up till halfway through. Right. My goodness. That's right. The Drunket Works and the Smiles and Kickapoo Kids battles to a 3-3 draw, even though the Drunket Works were declared in no shape to play prior to the third period.
00:14:24
Speaker
Well, that just tells you what grit can do. Yeah. Grit can get you through a lot of obstacles, even self-imposed ones like being a little bit inebriated, like the Drunk It Works may or may not have been. I was not there for that particular match. There was no testing going on, Miss Elizabeth, so I submit suggesting that they had too much to drink. It's hearsay.
00:14:47
Speaker
Although that is their name. But Kickapoo Kids not being able to close the deal on a hampered opponent. That's just classic Kickapoo Kids. You gotta fire that coach. I don't care if they're your uncle. You gotta get him out of there. He's terrible. The Smiles and Temperance Society gave a prim and proper thrashing to a downward spiraling flapjack freakazoids 9-2. That was a game to watch, Jason. That was exciting. It broke my heart.
00:15:14
Speaker
The Flapjack Freakazoids are the sole of the league. They're one of the best teams and to see them continue to struggle this way and they're just getting worse. No one can explain it. It's the same crew that dazzled us with street hockey skill all these months and years prior. And now it's happening to them. It's inexplicable. And really to get spanked by the Smilton Temperance Society, what a
00:15:40
Speaker
disgraceful display. It made me sad, it made me enraged, and then it made me sad again, Miss Elizabeth. It was a roller coaster of emotion watching that game. Maybe this one will help. The Smilton Community Theatre players delighted the crowd and out-distanced the Butterbuns 3-2. The Butterbuns, that's a new team. The Butterbuns. I don't want to hear one more thing. That's a great name for a team. I love it. I don't want to hear one more thing about the Butterbuns.
00:16:10
Speaker
They seem to be under the impression that they show up to play a street hockey game to have a little bit of fun, blow off some steam. They're not taking it seriously. Butter buns give your head a shake. That's not how you play street hockey. And you're lucky you went up against a bunch of money laundering, extortion racket setting up.
00:16:31
Speaker
You're not already in a legal battle with them. They're all talk. They're all talk. I'm not afraid of them. They money law. They launder money. They don't put on real care. They're crooked. Elizabeth alleged. Yeah, I'm alleging and my and my allegations carry considerable weight. Miss Elizabeth. They they should.
00:16:51
Speaker
Okay, and finally, something from the lighter side of the news. A local dog has hit the best seller list and his human companion couldn't be happier. Sunshine Jane. Let that sentence sink into your listener friend. A smiles and doggy.
00:17:07
Speaker
Yeah, wrote a book that hit a best-seller list. Wrote a book that hit a best-seller list. Makes sense. Sunshine Jane, proprietor of the Sunshine Hippie Goods store and friend of Rainbows, the book writing dog, proudly announced the achievement on this morning's edition of Wake Up, Smileton.
00:17:25
Speaker
As Sunshine Jane related the story of how Rainbows the book writing dog came up with the idea to write her memoirs, the scary moment when the scribbler containing all of her notes went missing and the triumphant return of the scribbler and the completion of the book. Oh, what an odyssey. It was a journey. Yeah.
00:17:44
Speaker
sounds like a media stunt. I think somebody might have stolen the scribbler or somehow it got lost. Yeah or it was just or this is just media manipulation to gin up interest. All the while rainbows mashed the keyboard of a laptop with her paws. Yeah. During that program no doubt writing her next masterpiece. Oh yeah no doubt. Well done rainbows.
00:18:05
Speaker
The book writing dogs, Smiles and Animals have been impressing a lot of folks lately. And who knows what they'll get up to in the upcoming year, Jason? I think we gotta be nice to those animals. They're having a good life here in Smiles and we should continue that. There are pals, there are companions. We should stop pretending they're writing books and doing all this crazy stuff. Wait, wait, wait. Now, Rainbows has one of those keyboards that she can type on and she writes. She contributes, you know, her knowledge to the world. I've seen Rainbows mash the keyboard.
00:18:34
Speaker
and words come out and they've actually peeked at the screen too and they don't look like words to me well maybe that's just because you're having a bad reader day oh okay you're having trouble reading sometimes we're gonna you are a little near sighted I am but I'm far-brained it'll take more than that to convince me that rainbows the book writing dog is writing books despite the name well Jason that's it for this edition of the news
00:18:58
Speaker
Good night, out of sight. Art-hitting as always, a bunch of nonsense and poppycock.
Life Coach Jerry's Financial Woes
00:19:03
Speaker
That's what I look forward to when I turn on the daily newscast. You delivered that in spades, Miss Elizabeth. Well, that was my pleasure. Well, my goodness. Someone calls from the audience, doesn't it hurt? You don't applaud the news. What planet do you people live on? Smile to news. As fresh as the day it rolled off the printed press. You don't feel too insulted there.
00:19:24
Speaker
I didn't listen, quite frankly. I don't know what was going on. I was distracted, Ms. Elizabeth. I got on to some internet websites. I took my earbud out. Didn't hear a word of it. I'm going to reach over and tune into the Smilton Radio. Let's see what song is going to come up on an old radio today. Here we go. Rogan Rascal. Let's listen.
00:19:50
Speaker
say you go too low rascals say you fly too high rogue say go with the flow rascals say what's with this guy heed the road pay the price dump the rascals bad advice they aren't looking out for you tell the screw balls you all through rogue say
00:20:22
Speaker
They aren't looking
00:21:02
Speaker
Rascals say you go too far, Rascals say you fall behind, Rogues say you roll before, Rascals say you've lost your mind, Need to roll, pay the price, Dr. Rascals' bad advice, They are looking out for you, Tell us who walked you all through, Need to roll, pay the price, Dr. Rascals
00:21:42
Speaker
Broken Rascal by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile, then My Hard Rockin' Band, Miss Elizabeth. Charming Diddy. Glad to have heard it. An excellent song. Dear listener friend, if you'd like that tune, check out that and many others of a similar, they're not similar, they're quite different from each other, but a similar intent to Bring Joy on all digital streaming platforms. Yeah, you don't use like song templates or anything.
00:22:06
Speaker
No, Miss Elizabeth. They're all as utterly unique as can be. Yeah. Well, I got my pick. Okay. It's a double shot. Just the same rule apply. Like, can you please not insult me on these picks? Once again, Miss Elizabeth, I don't even know. I barely paid attention when I was making this pick. I just saw the listing in the grandmaster list of all the things we've done on this show. And Jerry the life coach caught my eye and I thought, oh, we haven't heard from Jerry in a while. Let's bring a segment back involving him. So we're going to listen to
00:22:36
Speaker
a segment in which we hear from my life coach, Jerry, and we segue that right into a New Year's resolution update where Miss Elizabeth and I ask each other about how our resolutions are going so far. Sounds good. This comes from last year, episode 30 of Hello, Smilton, which aired May 1st, 2023, and the title of that particular show was Unhardened That Hard. Sounds good.
00:23:02
Speaker
I'm just going to sit here because I'm looking at the clock on the wall, Miss Elizabeth. I normally would like to keep the show going, but there's something a little surprise coming in. I'm kind of expecting something here now. We're expecting something. Yeah, it's a bit of a change of pace for the show. You can hear it in the wind. I can hear something in the wind. I know something in the wind.
00:23:18
Speaker
Well, here we go. It's here, Ms. Elizabeth. Now, of course, that's the Smileton pneumatic tube. Normally, that would send me over the edge. I'd be enraged. I hate that thing interrupting the show. Because it's organically grown throughout all of Smileton. It appears anywhere. If you brick it up, it'll appear somewhere else in your house. Yeah, it's annoying.
00:23:38
Speaker
Yeah. It's almost like the phone system, but it doesn't have like a servicer. It's just itself. It lives. Miss Elizabeth. Often. Yeah. It interrupts the show. And you're delighted. And I tell you. Because it wants to participate. And it gives us a message from somebody in Smiles and Somewhere. You never hesitate to read it. So I thought turn a disadvantage to my advantage. So I had something I wanted to get on the show and I didn't want you squawking about it. You would've kiboshed it during our planning meetings. So this is coming in with
00:24:06
Speaker
you like it or not and I'm gonna open up the canister here you're trying to team up with the pneumatic tube against me not against you miss Elizabeth will pull you on to the side of sense once you hear this message okay okay this is a message from my life coach Jerry the life okay we haven't heard from him in a while so I think yeah he's got a message we got okay can you open your heart and you open your ears and you open your mind this this may require some action from you really Elizabeth may require some action from you dear do I have to open my wallet
00:24:37
Speaker
at the end of the day yes but let's get let's first things first let's hear the message hello everyone out there in pneumatic tube land this is a breaker breaker in a mayday mayday from your old pal jerry the life coach with hockey playoffs going full steam i'm sure seeing a lot of commercials for online betting sites when it comes to making money quick i'm something of an expert
00:24:58
Speaker
Of course he is, Miss Elizabeth. He founded the Money Velocity Advantage. Did he found that? I felt like he just... He utterly found it, and he got funding from International Criminal Syndicate, Kingpin, Johnny Denver. I told you that story years ago. Okay. I forgot that he founded it. I thought that he just joined it.
00:25:13
Speaker
No, he made it up. At the bottom of a pyramid scheme. You move money around fast and somehow it grows. That's financial physics. OK. It's not a paid infomercial for that particular thing. It's almost like as though he thinks that money is like tribbles. Like the trouble with money is like it just keeps on... It's not a problem. Miss Elizabeth, you move that money around, it's not a trouble. OK. When it comes to making money quick, I'm something of an expert. So the opportunity to cash in on some great hockey playing seemed like a good idea to me.
00:25:40
Speaker
Turns out those apps are too easy to use and they take your credit card for a reason because I started losing and they just went ahead and charged me without so much as a conversation. Oh boy, Ms. Elizabeth, he's making bad hockey bets and it's starting to bite him in the arse. Yeah.
00:25:55
Speaker
This isn't how betting was done when I was a lad. We're in the playoffs too. I think you got to be super careful. Stuff's happening fast. He's excited Miss Elizabeth and it's costing him money. This isn't how betting was done when I was a lad. Now it's all colorful screens and soulless machines in the background laughing all the way to the bank.
00:26:13
Speaker
Okay. Well, if they have no soul, then they're not laughing. If they're laughing, they might have a soul. I'm just saying. Mrs. Elizabeth, this is a cry for help. Don't dig it. Don't copy edit his plea. Okay. But I am sort of looking askance at his cry for help because I feel like his cry for help is like send money so that I can continue gambling. Okay. Well, don't get ahead of yourself, Mrs. Elizabeth. Let's hear the rest of the plea. Okay. So now I'm in a bit of a pickle.
00:26:39
Speaker
Life coaching business is going fine, but my credit cards got pulled under by those sites like a paper boat and a riptide. Now I'm facing something like 148k in credit card bills that I'm in precious little position to do anything about. Okay. If anyone out there... For the record, for the record, nobody else is in any position to do any and think about that either. That's a lot of hockey betting to get into. Yeah. Boy, oh boy. Yeah. We can't help you with that.
00:27:05
Speaker
The first round of the playoffs isn't even over yet and he's 148 and holy. Stop while you're behind and nobody can help you. You're just going to have your legs broken. He's asking for help in a very specific way here. If anyone out there knows how to make credit card companies ease off for a while or maybe look the other way while I tidy my affairs, needless to say that would be mutual appreciato.
00:27:30
Speaker
I told Tammy I did. So, for the record, that is not possible, so... He's... Miss Elizabeth? He's not closing the door to any avenue of support. Okay. If there's somebody out there who knows how to get the credit cards to back off for a bit. Nobody does. It'll be all ears. Okay. As he told you, it would be mucho appreciato. I guess he could go bankrupt.
00:27:48
Speaker
I told Tammy I would be behaving but she'll flip out because 1. I had access to $130k worth of credit card credit she didn't know about 2. I'm way over the limits on those cards and 3. I have absolutely nothing to show spending so much for or on
00:28:06
Speaker
He has nothing to show for it, Miss Elizabeth. That's 130k that he has to pay. And what is he getting? Nothing. Literally nothing. Nothing. Well, no, what he's getting is a thrill. That's an expensive thrill. Find another thrill. Yeah. Miss Elizabeth, he's Tammy. He told us earlier, he gets into trouble, but he's got a lot of money from the velocity advantage. But Tammy, Tammy controls all that. He's got a very strict allowance and he burns through that in no time flat. So he's kind of left to his own devices, money wise.
00:28:32
Speaker
Yeah, you can see what it is. I'm kind of putting this on Tammy at the end of the day. You better not. I'm not feeling helpful at all towards Jerry here. Okay, Miss Elizabeth. Unharden that heart.
00:28:46
Speaker
I feel like I've given him many chances. And four, any help you could give me would be mucho appreciado. Okay. If you want to send me cash, go right ahead. My website is set up to tell you the mailing address to where you can send that cash change or checks to. If you want to sign me up as a life coach for you, even better. He's not in a position to coach anybody's life. He's destroying his own life and Tammy's life right now. I don't follow.
00:29:12
Speaker
Well, he's losing his head. Really? The hockey playoffs are the most exciting thing in the world. He got caught up in it. The credit card companies were there to exploit this enthusiasm. He cannot be a life coach. Tammy's cutting him off from his own money because she suspects he might get up to funny business and she's got to keep that there nest egg intact.
00:29:31
Speaker
This is terrible. He's getting hit from all sides here. Can't we just have fun during the playoffs? That's his question. You need to get a job bagging groceries. Or something. He's the credentialed life coach. You aren't. This is the path out of this dark forest. You can either hand him a lantern or stop putting snares in his way.
00:29:55
Speaker
If you want to sign me up as a life coach for you, even better. I just asked that you pay me for a year upfront as I'm pretty busy and may not be able to see you very much for the next seven or eight months or so. But as I said, as I said, I need cash now. So upfront payment would be mucho appreciado. Okay.
00:30:15
Speaker
thank you friends i know i can always count on you out there in pneumatic tube land to help me when trouble lands on me like this some people have all the luck and unfortunately i'm not one of them lol mucho appreciate okay well
00:30:31
Speaker
I'm glad you find that hilarious. Ms. Elizabeth, he's screaming for help. Round one of the playoffs isn't even over. There's three more rounds to go. How's he going to bet on that when the credit cards are full? He's stuck, Ms. Elizabeth. We've got to get him back on the road of sports enjoyment.
00:30:48
Speaker
Wow, well, he's got his problems, and so do we, Miss Elizabeth. And that's why we make these New Year's resolutions that we're back at the beginning
New Year's Resolutions Discussion
00:30:56
Speaker
of the year. And throughout the year, we continue to add to the list because self-improvement is a never-ending journey. So once in a while, you've got to do a check-in to your listener friends. Sometimes you can make all your plans, but if you aren't telling somebody about it, sometimes it's a bit too easy to go astray. So Miss Elizabeth had an eye
00:31:13
Speaker
form each other of our resolutions and that we demand from each other a concise update as to our progress. We gather those things up and present them every month or so in a segment we call the New Year's resolution update. So Elizabeth, I'm going to start off by asking you about one of your resolutions and you better have a good answer.
00:31:33
Speaker
Okay, I gave you this list, though. I'm happy to talk about them. Make this the most fun spring... clean... ever. That's right! Spring cleaning, Miss Elizabeth. Yes! Make it fun! Something you're doing anyway. Something you should be doing. Yeah? Make it fun! So how... How are you going about that?
00:31:50
Speaker
Well, make it a party. A party? Invite friends. So you do the work. You're Tom Frickin Sawyer. Huckleberry Finn. Many, many workers make light work. Oh, OK. So you're telling me your New Year's resolution is to take it easy and put the work on to other people? That's right. Well, no, you can go to other. Oh, that's Elizabeth. You can have a group of five people, and then you all do each other's places. And then you have a pizza party afterwards. Cal Munk can join.
00:32:20
Speaker
leave him alone one and two this sounds like nothing like a resolution a proper one it's a good one this is an excuse to have a party once again you're selling the name of a resolution it's motivating and it ends in a good product so i think it's good okay that is nothing to do with it again we gotta we gotta decide once and for all and what a proper resolution looks like okay uh... well does it look like this i should figure out setting up a bunker i might need it for something yeah
00:32:47
Speaker
Yeah, having a bunker in the back in your back pocket. Yeah, but question. Yeah. This resolution is about figuring out setting up a bunker. It's not about setting up a bunker. Miss Elizabeth is strongly implied by the wording in the resolution. But you're only resolved to actually do the research. So let me ask you this. Have you started doing any research on bunker construction? Yes, Miss Elizabeth. And how's that going?
00:33:12
Speaker
Just fine. I've been thinking, I've been thinking pretty hard on that for the last little bit. Where are we going to do the bunker? TBD, Ms. Elizabeth. Can I just ask you, why aren't we just using the catacombs?
00:33:25
Speaker
Because we have catacombs. I know the catacombs that run underneath Smilton, a vast network that connect to other towns. We should just use that. Anybody can get down there. That's a poor bunker, Miss Elizabeth. It's an excellent bunker. Because part of what a bunker is for is keeping out the riffraff. Oh, that's what you think a bunker is? It's a box that you keep only yourself in. And for your private time. OK.
00:33:46
Speaker
And it's rich coming from you that you don't think my resolution is rigorous enough. Holy smoke. No, no, no. I'm not saying it's not rigorous enough. I'm just saying I'm happy if you're just figuring it out. Okay. Okay. Because that's what the resolution states. Okay, Ms. Elizabeth, it's step one on a journey. Yeah? So leave me to it. Well done. Good job. You're getting applause from me.
00:34:07
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, silence. I don't need sarcastic applause at this point in my life. Good job. You did some research. We're all proud of you. Okay. The Zany Khan ascension hour continues here. I ask you about your next resolution.
00:34:21
Speaker
Leave cute notes under the windshield, wiper of strangers' cars. I'm calling the cops on you, Miss Elizabeth. That's littering and that's vandalism. And that's a harassment. It's stalking. That's quite a rap sheet you got there. For heaven's sake, it's spreading happiness and joy.
00:34:38
Speaker
uh not in my world yeah i see if i come if i'm approaching my vehicle after conducting business of some sort or other and i see a piece of paper under the windshield yeah wiper i freak out do you i flip out why because it's a ticket you assume you've done something illegal it's something i'm being harassed by this town miss lisbeth you will not mistake my notes mayor patty pepper gives me
00:35:01
Speaker
parking tickets all the live on day for no reason but but I'm not handing out tickets I'm handing out pieces of paper with like flowers like on the paper like you could not mistake this for something that the police would give you yeah it's litter Miss Elizabeth it's not litter psychological torment you're really you're really
00:35:20
Speaker
It's just really doing a number on this town. I apologize if I have not gotten to your vehicle yet. I believe this is probably why you're feeling a little grumpy about this part of the resolution from my dune buggy. Okay. Well, I'm definitely going to be putting some notes on your dune buggy and not only that, but I implore all of Smileton.
00:35:38
Speaker
people who think that this is a good idea just get some little sticky notes find Jason's dune buggy and just say nice things like ignore her things like things like this Jason you're doing great okay yeah with a little heart again that's I don't need I don't need the help leave me alone miss Elizabeth good job Jason ask me about my next one
00:35:57
Speaker
Alright, did you learn to dirt bike better and seal the deal by jumping over something in front of everybody? Yeah. Did you? I haven't yet. The way you phrase this. You don't just unleash a stunt. You've got a plan, a stunt like that, you've got to advertise it. The way you put this together,
00:36:17
Speaker
Learn to dirt bike better and seal the deal by jumping over something in front of everybody. So just FYI, in order to accomplish this one, you don't have to be on a bike while jumping over something in order to put a check mark beside. Learn to dirt bike better. Learn to dirt bike better. Prove it. And seal the deal by jumping over something. Right. On the dirt bike.
00:36:41
Speaker
Okay, it doesn't say that in there. I'm just saying you don't need to be on the dirt bike. You can just jump over something. I love it. Okay, that's your miss loophole. Yeah, you got to find the loopholes in here. I'm going to close that loophole right now. The intent of that was not to just jump over on my feet. It was to ride the dirt bike to glory by jumping over a bunch of garbage cans or a school bus or what have you. Have you done that?
00:37:09
Speaker
Again, that's a big deal, Ms. Elizabeth. I'm just telling you, you could put a check mark by this in the next five minutes by jumping over that guitar. No, I'm not doing it, Ms. Elizabeth. I'm not taking the easy way out. That defeats the point of the resolution. Here's yours. Walk around carrying a picnic basket, even if I'm not going picnicking.
00:37:28
Speaker
Do you know why this is a great idea? It can be empty and then when you go to the grocery store you can carry your things in a picnic basket so much more festive than those ugly baggies they make you carry. Yeah or you could you could hang out with your buddy Mitch Winchell and when he hits a tempting hatchback and starts stealing those groceries you have a basket to get away with the stolen booty.
00:37:48
Speaker
You know, baskets are just, they're not only for Easter. I think use baskets all the time. You put a little cloth over top, you could have bread in there, you could have cassette tapes in there, you could have light bulbs in there. The pressure inside my skull, Miss Elizabeth, is coming unbearable. Alright, how about this one? This is the last one I have for you. Hit that spaghetti buffet like a hurricane and work it so hard that management comes out and begs me to stop.
00:38:15
Speaker
Oh, Miss Elizabeth. I feel like this is just Jason on a Saturday afternoon. Exacto Mundo. You can use your resolution list to have some fun. You do it all the time, Miss Elizabeth. So I'm going to do it, but it's not just go and enjoy a night out at the Smilton Bingo and Spaghetti Buffet. It is push the concept of a buffet
00:38:37
Speaker
out to its uttermost breaking point where management itself begs me to stop eating pasta because it's shattering their bottom line.
00:38:47
Speaker
Okay, so this is you every Saturday, shattering their bottom line. I'm talking about a Saturday night unlike any you've ever seen, Miss Elizabeth. Okay, well I gotta say then, I am blaming you for the recent price hike on their spaghetti buffet. Don't tell me your problems, Miss Elizabeth. Prices are going up. It's cheap for me given the volume I push down. Okay. That's it for the New Year's resolution update.
00:39:13
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, finally you applaud at the right time and give you credit for that, you're slow learners, but maybe you're coming along. I hope you're now ready to sit on your hands and silence yourselves as it's time to listen to one of your songs. Old stuff.
00:39:28
Speaker
right here on Hellos Mountain. I hope that was terrific. Yeah. Again, I blanked out. I didn't hear one word of it. Well, all of our New Year's resolutions are still cumulative. So as we start, as we add to them every year, the old ones never expire. It's becoming a load to deal with.
00:39:47
Speaker
It is. Yeah, you have to build in expiries. Like, do something once. Or just achieve something for once for crying out loud. Just one time. And then you can expire that one. I gotta figure out how to do that, Miss Elizabeth. Well, Marquis Songslot, we're gonna play another number. And this is one of the more recent tracks by the Smiles Syndicate, Miss Elizabeth. It's on the latest album, which is called Mr. Blue, Hullabaloo. Get thee to a disco. Let's go.
00:40:32
Speaker
What have you done? Mother says the family's due A higher power's what you need Time to get your funk in choose
00:41:15
Speaker
to a disco spin and move magnificence holy moly here we go
00:41:49
Speaker
you
00:42:35
Speaker
Spin and move right to the sand Holy moly, here we go Blessed food, peace, sacraments Getting to a dearest goal Spin and move right to the sand Holy moly, here we go Blessed food,
00:43:28
Speaker
Get thee to a disco, Father Smiles said to get right here on Hellos Mountain. Yeah, get thee to a disco and get me to a disco. Miss Elizabeth, that's a good song to pop and bop to. Yeah, it's time to party down. And snap your fingers and be a real cool person. Mm-hmm. Do you have some disco boots?
00:43:45
Speaker
That's immaterial, Miss Elizabeth. And I'm not wearing them to the hockey game, that's for sure. Why not? Then you'll be taller than all the others. It's freezing outside today, so I'm wearing snow boots. Big stompers. I'm going to be making a racket in the old barn. Well, I got to cart my arse downtown to see the extravaganza. Who's your favorite of all the players? You can't pick one, Miss Elizabeth. I think most people might jump in and say McDavid, but you mentioned somebody else.
00:44:14
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, they're all my favorite. Just like every episode we've ever done is all my favorite, and I'm so happy to be presenting things new from old episodes. But we're going to be back to you, dear listener friend, next week, an all new episode of Hello, Smileton. I hope you've got enough energy from the joy you received from this show to power you through the week. And if not, I got a white knuckle it. Either way, meet you back here next week. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth?
00:44:44
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about hello, Smileson. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileson, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye bye from Jason. Bye bye. And bye bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember friends, the sun is the jukebox.