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I'm Not Throwing Away Christmas Gifts No Matter How Terrible
44 Plays11 months ago
How does a Christmas Blizzard of Fun sound? I thought so. This, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, is gonna deliver the best Christmas present ever and aren't you lucky to be on the receiving end?
Jason and Miss Elizabeth take a break from their holiday making to deliver this Yuletide message of comedy and musical entertainment, straight from Smileton.
Gifts are evaluated and rated during a rigorous JASON'S GIFT REVIEW while a classic edition of the SMILETON NEWS keeps us informed of the goings-on from a Christmas past.
Two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE will get you up and dancing and what better way to end the year?
HELLO, SMILETON. You Won't Believe A Single One Of Your Senses.
Show Timestamps:
2:21 Jason's Gift Review
13:13 SONG – Rumpus Room
16:34 Smileton News (from December 14, 2020)
31:52 SONG – Let's Sing Jingle Bells
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Christmas Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton, and Merry Christmas! Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some Christmasy fun today. Let's go, Jason! Miss Elizabeth, thank you for the introduction.
00:00:22
Speaker
I'm so excited. It is Christmas. It has been Christmas. It continues to be Christmas. I have a question for you. Is there one day of the year I can have off from podcasting? It's Christmas Day. We're here in front of the microphones. You've got to be kidding me. No, it's I mean, it's your No, no, it's it's a fun thing to do. I wonder why my spine is turning to powder.
00:00:43
Speaker
the weight on my shoulders is crushing me dear listener friend thanks so much for checking us checking in with us today i know you got stuff on the go probably i mean you look happy you look like you have something to say i do have something to say but i first things i gotta do is uh welcome dear listener friend of the show you might be celebrating today or you might be just having your head under a quilt or you might just be watching some movies with your
00:01:05
Speaker
feed up whatever you're up to today, enjoy. And this
Episode Concept Discussion
00:01:09
Speaker
episode we're going to bring to you today is going to further enhance that enjoyment of the day. But I'm going to complain from my side of the microphone because when do I get to enjoy this? Elizabeth, that's my question to you. When?
00:01:21
Speaker
Well, I mean, you look, honestly, you look like you might be enjoying yourself. Did you not have a good Christmas morning? I think that is being never is the answer to that question. And that's just as I thought. So let's press on here. It is Christmas Day. It's Christmas where it is this season. So we're going to do a Christmas themed episode today. A little bit of the Christmas past present and future. We're going to be doing a Christmas carol kind of thing. If you think
00:01:48
Speaker
It is some kind of radio play version of the classic Charles Dickens tale, the Christmas Carol, but populated with Smilton characters. That's a great idea. Maybe we should do that next year. OK, well, good. Let's enter it into the planner. Yeah, that's a lot of work. I doubt it'll happen. Add it to my New Year's resolutions. OK, well, that's maybe coming up
Jason's Gift Reviews Begin
00:02:09
Speaker
soon. But we're going to do something different today. We're going to do a lot for Christmas present. Let's start there.
00:02:17
Speaker
More accurately, Christmas presents. Oh, Christmas presents! So, I've received some Christmas gifts. Yay! Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't get one thing from you, so cram your applause. I don't think they're applauding for you, I think that they're applauding for the concept of presents. Okay, well, yeah, I'm there with you, you ne'er-do-ells.
00:02:35
Speaker
But not after the batch I got this year. Maybe not. Miss Elizabeth, I'm going to give you a rundown of the gifts I got. A little bit of something I call Jason's gift review. I'm going to be putting these gifts under the microscope and we're going to see whether they pass or fail. We're going to give them a star rating.
00:02:50
Speaker
Just right before you get started, I just want to wish everybody just the happiest day, the best Christmas. I really hope that everybody has just a warmth in their heart and just feels happy and that they're with the people that they love. And I just want to extend that feeling. Or you're doing what makes you happy. Yeah.
00:03:10
Speaker
I can't do such a thing so I'm gonna look through that grimy window into your life dear listener friend and just be envious because I let me tell you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna be sympathizing with me once you hear what kind of crappy gifts I got this year somewhat insulted because you are sitting here with me right now anyway onto the gifts first one I got from cranky Neil my buddy Foucault regular yeah is he cranky on Christmas by the way
00:03:36
Speaker
I don't know. He's off. I haven't seen him. He gave me a gift. I opened it. It's a vote for Cranky Kneel t-shirt. Oh. Like some Napoleon Dynamite knockoff. Okay. Well, those aren't nothing. It is nothing because it's his own shirt. Oh. It's literally he peeled the shirt off his back, stuck it in the box and gave it to me. Wait a minute. Are you telling me you have a friend who will give you the shirt off his back?
00:04:02
Speaker
Yeah, too cheap to buy me one. That's lame. I think you should be grateful. I'm not grateful, Miss Elizabeth, because I happen to know that there's a telltale fingerprint on that shirt that gives away the whole game that it's the same one he always wore.
00:04:17
Speaker
It's got a huge mustard stain on it from when I squirted him with a big bottle of French's in the food court. Hilarious. Everybody had a good laugh. That shirt bore the evidence of that good natured pranking for many, many a month.
00:04:32
Speaker
Oh, it's like permanently stained. It's not just unwashed. No, no, there was a lot of mustard involved in this prank. But there you go. It comes bouncing back to me. So that's not a gift at all. Two and a half stars. You get what you give, I guess. Yeah. Patricia, another food court regular buddy.
00:04:49
Speaker
Oh, and we know that she came into a lot of money. She won the lottery, so she's swimming in wealth. But you're not to ask for it. Absolutely. That is the lamest thing on earth, is to make any assumptions. She's going to still be on a human scale of gift giving, but all I care about is a little bit of thought.
00:05:05
Speaker
You know what? She gave me what a bunch of calendars like basset hound Calendar basset hound calendars. They're all still wrapped and they're all old Some of them go like this is some of them go back to the 90s Miss Elizabeth These are I I think what's been happening some one of her someone in her circle got the idea that she loves basset hounds she doesn't might be a different dog breed and
00:05:28
Speaker
Oh, are they all different kinds of calendars, but all like all different... Yeah, like a stack of them. They're all bastard hound calendars from different years, all unwrapped. She put them in a box, gave them to me. I think she's passing her problem right along. Okay. Three stars, at least they're still wrapped. It's nice to have friends. Yeah, I suppose. Jaw-free.
00:05:48
Speaker
Can you conceive? Joffrey gave you something? Yes. I would watch out. The crooked Joffrey. I've been blasting him for running a corrupt organization with that smile in community theater. Yeah. He does not like me. I don't like him.
Reflecting on Thoughtful but Peculiar Gifts
00:06:02
Speaker
Would you consider him to be like an enemy? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One of my many enemies. He's one of them for sure. Is he like a frenemy?
00:06:10
Speaker
No frenemy there. Okay. No, there's no friend there. Okay. No, he's a crook. He's a criminal. He puts on fake productions. He launders money with that thing. Okay. I don't have any, I don't have any evidence for that, but I'm using my instincts. Okay. And he gets mad when the accusations get hurled at him. And I, I'm thinking, well, that's the giveaway right there. Okay. So what did he give you? So thanks for the Christmas card. A gift for you. No, he gave me a Christmas card. I opened it up and there's a handwritten note and has one word on it. Handwritten. That's so, that's so. You know what the one word was? What?
00:06:41
Speaker
Oh, that's his gift to me, apparently. I don't have manners. Oh, so he's not giving you manners. One half star for you, pal. Oh, okay. So hang on, I'm confused. So is he just saying you need to get manners? I don't know. I don't know if that piece of paper is meant to be the manners that I sorely lack.
00:07:01
Speaker
I have an idea. Why don't you take this gesture of his as like a gift certificate where he is giving you the gift of the promise that he is going to treat you with manners this year? Wow, that's stretching. I do not think that's his intent. I think this is him insulting me. And if he thinks that there's going to be any kind of Christmas ceasefire over my blasting his corrupt organization, then he's got another thing coming. Here's a good gift.
00:07:29
Speaker
Lance. My buddy Lance gave me something. Well, on the face of it, it doesn't look too good, but trust me, it is. It's a tangled mess of old guitar strings. Old guitar strings. So these are worn out, broken, rusty, tangled, in knots. He said he boiled them so they should be as good as new now, Miss Elizabeth. All the grit and grime has been boiled away. So they're clean but still broken. Pretty cool. Four stars.
00:07:56
Speaker
Okay, so he has parts in the right place. I just realized you're rating these gifts with stars. Yes. Like an Amazon review. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So Joffrey can take that one half star with my compliments. Okay. And Buddy Lance, four stars, pretty nice. Once I flatten those guitar strings out, maybe give them a bit of a stretch to work out some of those kinks. Okay. And you might have boiled them, but I think they need a little more work because I'm seeing some
00:08:22
Speaker
gross stuff on some of those strings. But at the end of the day, after a considerable amount of work, I'm gonna have some nice new gently used guitar strings. Well, I was gonna say if they don't work on your guitar, they might work for crafting, but it sounds like there's a lot of gross things happening there. No, I got some rocking to do with those strings. You might need to just toss those.
00:08:39
Speaker
What? Oh, Miss Elizabeth. Into the dumpster. Oh, should I call you the Grinch? I'm not throwing away Christmas gifts, no matter how terrible. And this one is not one of them. So I'm not throwing up Patricia's crumb bum calendars. I'm not throwing all these guitar strings. OK.
00:08:54
Speaker
Mitch Winchell runs the crappiest guitar store in town. He gave you something? He gave me a 30% off coupon for anything in his store. Amazing. So you can get new guitar strings for 30% off. Or I could get an amp or I could get a brand new extremely expensive Fender or Gibson Axe. I could get whatever I wanted. There's no restrictions.
00:09:15
Speaker
No restrictions. Yeah, so thanks for nothing, Mitch Winchell. I'm not going in your crappy store. I'm not betraying my friend. This is the devil at work, Miss Elizabeth. This is the devil trying to break up a friendship that has lasted for years. What a sick thing to do. I think you might be looking some gift horses in the mouth. I think you're nuts, Miss Elizabeth. I think this is a psychological power play that I'm not going to participate in. Nice try, Mitch Winchell.
00:09:40
Speaker
That particular gift certificate will sit unused. Okay, you know what? You might find one day it disappears because I might have bought myself a little something. Okay, go ahead. You can take that. You can take the apple from the tree, Ms. Elizabeth. I'm going to avoid that snake. Two stars. All right.
00:09:55
Speaker
Sidewinder and Jasper Joseph teamed up on a gift from me, Ms. Lisbon, and I don't quite know what to make of it. I think I need your input on this one. I got a note from them. It says that they've teamed up to put a down payment on a mechanical bull for me.
00:10:12
Speaker
Now wait a minute, is this like a ride? Or is this like... Yeah, in a bar, in a honky tonk bar you'd sit on a mechanical bowl and they put a down payment on the walls for me. No, no, I know what that is. I'm just wondering. Yeah, then what's the problem? My question is, are they buying the bowl or a session with a bowl? They've bought a bowl. They've put a down payment on it. I'm on the hook apparently for the other 90% that remains.
00:10:35
Speaker
okay well that's uh not a good that's not a good enough down payment number one now that saying it out loud i kind of got a bill for something i don't really want for christmas and i don't yeah that's not much of a gift you don't even know what the bill is because 90 percent of whatever it is could be anything considerable sum two and a half stars yeah dr gone
00:10:54
Speaker
My buddy, my casualty of the 60s hippie dentist, born in the 80s, he gave, uh, Miss Elizabeth, you know, people would give you the jewelry sometimes. It sounds like, my goodness, your tree was full this year. I'm not a jewelry person. Oh. He gave me a crystal. I'll take it. Well, hang on here, Miss Elizabeth, there's a backstory to this crystal. See, it's a crystal, it's on a chain, and he said it used to be cursed. Okay. But he got a shaman to cleanse it, so it should be all right. Should be fine.
00:11:23
Speaker
Okay, I'm not using any previously cursed crystals. I'm not getting that anywhere near my body. I don't know what you mean by used. I'm just gonna wear it to the party. Boy, oh boy, you're taking treats from the devil and now you want a cursed crystal? He said it's been cleansed. By some shaman of unknown capabilities. Okay, well, I mean, I trust him.
00:11:44
Speaker
I don't want one and a half stars. One last gift. Again, this isn't much of a gift. Jerry the Life Coach gave me a tickle trunk full of Girls Gone Wild VHS tapes with a note that says make sure I can get these back whenever I need them.
00:12:01
Speaker
So he's just stashing them at my place because I think Tammy doesn't like those. I think he watches them way too much. That's not a gift because he wears out VHS is watching those things. Then he has to go on eBay to find some other still working VHS video cassette recorder. And you're really not to have a free storage unit here. And you're not allowed to store those at the studio. So you've got to store those somewhere else. So Tammy's right. You can't have them in the house. You can't have them in the studio. So what are you going to do?
00:12:30
Speaker
Three stars. I don't know what I'm going to do. Miss Elizabeth, what a weird
Christmas Music Interlude
00:12:33
Speaker
Christmas. Yeah. I feel like I got something, but I feel like I got a bunch of headaches actually for Christmas. We got a lot of things. We got to clear things out. I'm proud that you have such a large amount of friends and that they're also thoughtful and that they're giving within their means.
00:12:48
Speaker
I'm glad you're happy for that. I just wish they'd up their gift-given game because that's a pretty half-assed effort this year. You've got a lot. Well, it's time for some music. Mm-hmm. Christmas or not, we got to party down sometimes. That's why I'm going to reach over, tune in, smile on the radio. There we go. It's Elizabeth.
Smileton News Replay & Food Hall of Fame
00:13:08
Speaker
It's time to take a Christmas journey to the rumpus room. Fun times. Energy.
00:13:19
Speaker
🎵
00:13:48
Speaker
Hand in light! Brump this room! Hands in tight! Brump this room! Livin' large! Brump this room! Who's in charge? Brump this room! Dancein' proud! Brump this room! Singin' loud! Brump this room! Pull em down! Brump this room! Party count!
00:14:23
Speaker
Rump this room, freakin' out Rump this room Singing to me rumpus Never mind the rumpus
00:14:55
Speaker
Taking all the rumpers, there's no rising rumpers Taking all the rumpers, Mississippi Rumpers
00:15:15
Speaker
Up and down! Bump this room! Ugly sounds! Bump this room! Going nuts! Bump this room! Grab a butt! Bump this room! Life's for teens! Bump this room! Fever dream! Bump this room! What's that smell? Bump this room! Living hell! Bump this room!
00:16:18
Speaker
Rumpus room. I have a smile syndicate right here on Hello Smiles.
00:16:23
Speaker
Don't you feel Christmasy now, Miss Elizabeth? It's always fun. Funky stomper. Yeah, it's always fun in the rumpus room. Well, we just went through gifts. Christmas present, Christmas presents, it's time to go to Christmas past. Okay. We're going to check in with a classic Smile2News Miss Elizabeth from a Christmastime episode from way back when. Sounds good. Let's hear what was going on these Christmastimes way back in 2020. From the 2020
00:16:49
Speaker
December 14th episode of what was then called the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. That was episode 173 and that episode was called No One Cares About Your Powdered Wigs. Let's listen.
00:17:02
Speaker
There's a lot of perks to living in this town, but having a good media establishment is not one of them. Our local media are a bunch of clodhoppers. They're a bunch of clowns. They're a bunch of ninny hammers. They're a bunch of dimwits. It's a pathetic playtime, what they get up to when it comes to providing news content. They've never seen a real newscast before and it shows. It's inept to a staggering degree, Ms. Elizabeth.
00:17:30
Speaker
So what I'm trying to tell you. This is difficult. It is difficult. But if you can't do it, don't try. Go do something else productive. Smileton residents need the news and they need it bad. And we're here to give it to them good and hard with the Smileton News with Miss Elizabeth.
00:17:48
Speaker
Good evening, Smileson. Let's talk about some news. Smileson demands answers. After waking up to find all the snow gone, Smileson residents have been bombarding the mayor's office with calls to rectify the situation. At a press conference held earlier today, the mayor urged calm. I don't want any citizens engaging in any vigilantism.
00:18:10
Speaker
The rush to judgment to find a culprit will lead us to defeat in the upcoming Snowball Clips 2020, and more importantly, our reputation as a fair and just town will suffer. The mayor then put forward a plan submitted to the town by local snowmaking company Arctic Snow Renewal, which would have them replenish the town's stock of snow within a week for an undisclosed sum of money.
00:18:34
Speaker
You've heard of a magic bullet while using this company's snow making capacity to replenish our lost snow makes this idea a magic snowball Calls by this reporter to Arctic snow renewals head office went unreturned. Oh my goodness miss Elizabeth can Just in time for the holiday season a nice new boondoggle. Is that what you think this is? This is weird. Yeah, I'm also very aware this company coming from this Arctic snow
00:19:01
Speaker
I think you got to put on your reporter hat and get to the bottom of this one It kind of smells funny like food going off and it's the Rika corruption it doesn't we still don't know who removed the snow No, we don't miss Elizabeth. This is a spider web. We're finding ourselves enmeshed in
00:19:16
Speaker
You're not wrong. Famous for food, Smileton's international reputation is growing. From our thriving sister city relationship with Flowerville, Japan, to the world famous annual Smileton Death Metal Festival initiated this past summer, people around the world are sitting up and taking notice of our fair town. As we also learned this past summer, Smileton is also a major source of international talent in the competitive food eating realm. Yeah, you can say that again.
00:19:46
Speaker
reigning North American Food Association of Steel Food Championship champion Gretchen Kreutzer, the Munich monster, has called our town home for 12 years and is at the center of an effort to establish the World Hall of International Competitive Food Eating Hall of Fame right here in Smilton. Oh boy, talk about an early Christmas present. That's amazing news.
00:20:08
Speaker
Yeah, I knew you'd be excited about this story, Jason. A fundraiser is being held this Saturday at the Smiles and Bingo and Spaghetti Buffet, says Gretchen. I'm so excited. This is going to be such a fun evening. So many of my food eating friends will be there to celebrate. We've got Gary the Digestor, Otis Sharp, the Cincinnati Eating Machine,
00:20:30
Speaker
Winston the food king and all the rest. Come on down and eat your fill and contribute to building the Hall of Fame to end all halls of fame. The $500 a plate banquet is the first of many planned fundraising events and organizers say that they plan to break ground this fall.
00:20:48
Speaker
Holy Finally something good is happening in this town miss Elizabeth I thought we hit the ditch with that death metal festival in the summertime and we told you that whole story about the Tension between the competitive food eaters and the death metal people and had a happy resolution for most but I'm glad to see the food eaters are taken that taking their time to shine in the spotlight this Hall of Fame just what we need and
00:21:10
Speaker
we've there's there must be something in the water miss elizabeth the supernatural talent we have for competitive food eating this town is quite astounding and if somebody who hails from europe feels compelled to move to smile to be where the action is just like the me scratching croits or the music munica
00:21:25
Speaker
monster did and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna promise anything but I've heard a little birdie that made that Otis Sharp the Cincinnati eating machine was spotted looking at properties here and smiled and he's considering a winter home I don't know why he'd winter and smiled and that sounds backwards to me but he may be moving here as well at least for part of the year yeah that would be amazing
00:21:47
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, he's
Motorcycle Clubs' Charity Conflict
00:21:49
Speaker
welcome. 2021, the competitive food eating scene in this town is going to go into overdrive, Miss Elizabeth, and I hope to be a hanger on. Yeah, caters everywhere are celebrating. I'm going to get in that circle and I'm going to live vicariously through those champions. That's what I'm telling you. I know you are going to be, and we'll have a lot of stories about that in the future. Highway two, hell of a fight.
00:22:08
Speaker
It's the holiday season and that can only mean one thing, motorcycle charity rides. Unfortunately for Smileson, we're in day three of unrest as two rival motorcycle clubs, each engaging in their own Santa rides, a bike charity drives, have gone to war.
00:22:25
Speaker
The Devil Bike Commandos have charged rival club the Motorcycles with trying to steal their thunder by setting up their own toy collection charity Fun Ride. The Motorcycles responded with an attack on the Devil Bike Commandos headquarters and the brawling has spilled out into the streets and across the town. Pizza parlors have been unsettled by ruckuses outside. Bowling alleys have had to ask two feuding Motorcycle Club members to leave
00:22:53
Speaker
and libraries are on triple red alert with no one wanting quiet readers being disturbed. Smilton has seen challenges before and with Snowball Clips 2020 threatening to turn this town upside down, the last thing we need is motorcycle men upsetting the apple cart.
00:23:10
Speaker
You can say that again, Miss Elizabeth. This is, these are tense times. These are, it's a dangerous situation. We find ourselves in these motorcycle clubs. They were trying to do something good, charity drive, but they're motorcycle clubs and they don't like that. It's like two alley cats, two Tom cats being too close. One of the, there's only one, there's only room for one on the fence, Miss Elizabeth. And there's going to be a fight.
00:23:30
Speaker
But like when some animals have their fights together, sometimes they just kind of tap each other on the head and that's all. This is an all-out brawl. I've seen it myself, Ms. Elizabeth. They were shoving each other. There were some raised voices. It wasn't pleasant. Were there raised eyebrows? By shocked onlookers, for sure. Ms. Elizabeth, this is an unpleasant story. Let's move on to something a little more life-affirming. Turning now to the world of sports.
00:23:54
Speaker
Let's run down the scores for the Smilton Community Street Hockey League. The dumb ducks went down to defeat against the inconsistent Smilton break bread with me, my friend, Society1129. This was a bizarre game to witness. There's a certain level of skill and ability you expect from the Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey League.
00:24:15
Speaker
Yeah, I haven't heard of either of these two teams. Yeah, there's a reason for that. There's a reason for that. They did not display that. I don't know that either of these teams are ready for the big leagues yet. It was an entertaining game though. They were stumblebumps. Miss Elizabeth, they were falling down. They were dropping their sticks. The dumb ducks set up their net backwards at first. They just don't know what they're doing. It still works. It's just not as effective. It was an insult to the game.
00:24:38
Speaker
It took until a third overtime period, but the Jennifer Conleys got a win against the Men in Tutus 4-3. Holy man. I'll cheer for the Jennifer Conleys, whatever they get up to. Yeah. But the Men in Tutus, holy smoke do I hate that team. Really? They think they're so funny. They are. There's a bunch of guys and they put tutus on and they're like, kind of, are look at me, aren't I funny? And I just want to go. Can somebody spear that guy in the face with a hockey stick, please? Because that kind of hacky comedy has no place in the Smiles and Northside Community Street hockey league, Miss Elizabeth.
00:25:07
Speaker
You got that right. A bench clearing brawl erupted in the second period, which resulted in 12 arrests and a premature end to the game between the Smiles and Food Bank and the Greater Smiles and Community Outreach Program. At the time of the brawl, the teams were tied at three.
00:25:23
Speaker
Here we go. These are two groups that are supposed to be trying to help the community. Yeah, but when they get together, these two teams, they're both like the Philadelphia Flyers in the 70s. They're like the Broad Street bullies. I already knew how dirty a team the Greater Smilton Community Outreach Program was. But boy, the Smilton Food Bank has given them a run for the money. They're just a couple of brawlers. They cheat like crazy. They use those sticks as weapons. It's a ferocious game when they play.
00:25:52
Speaker
Well, they had to call the cops. No, definitely not. But that was action for as long as the game lasted at least. The 18th century wags, tutted and harrump their way to a stinging seven to three defeat at the hands of the Benchwarmer Fart Patrol. That's a surprise. No one gave the Benchwarmer Fart Patrol any kind of respect coming into this game. Yeah.
00:26:15
Speaker
They've just completed a series of ill-advised trades. They were trying to mix their lineup off. There were obvious gaps in their defense that they were neglecting to address. The trades did nothing to do that. The columnists had written off the benchwarmer, Far Patrol, as a bunch of clowns, but they showed they had the goods, and this ragtag team has come together, and they're going to be a force to reckon with, Ms. Elizabeth. And tutting in her rumphing is no way to win scores against any team. No, these 18th century wags, come on. To show up and get ready to play, no one cares about your powdered wigs.
00:26:43
Speaker
That's right. The Golden Gates Bible College rallied after losing both their goalies to injuries and brought down the surging dropped pants parties nine to seven. That was a fun game. Well, those Golden Gates Bible College boys, we've learned our lesson. We can never underestimate them. They lost both goalies. The net was empty for the last half of the game. They're focused. They are focused. They're on a holy mission. They don't even need a goalie.
00:27:10
Speaker
And they fit those drop pants parties right through the meat grinder. They sure did. And finally, as Smileson prepares for the arrival of Santa later this month, UFO landing pad public liaison and Smileson time officer Brady Benchley has some exciting news for those worried about Santa having a good place to land his sleigh. As he told this reporter while we were both standing in line at a coffee shop,
00:27:32
Speaker
The Smileton UFO landing pad has secured $150 million in funding to convert the landing pad into something that would be appropriate and safe for Santa to land on.
Discussion on Santa's Landing Pad
00:27:45
Speaker
Work crews have already begun work, which is expected to wrap up December the 20th, just in time for Santa.
00:27:51
Speaker
When asked about what happens if a UFO comes and the landing pad isn't ready for it, Benchley was unfazed. That's what UFO landing pad site B is for, Miss Elizabeth. Leave it to Brady Benchley to have a great answer for everything. Miss Elizabeth.
00:28:07
Speaker
can you hear the words coming out of your mouth i was complaining about this apparent boondoggle and 150 million dollars is being spent to change a ufo landing pad into a santa sleigh landing pad well and no one in this town bats an eye at that as you know who even knew we had 150 million dollars
00:28:24
Speaker
Well, I mean, I knew that we had that much money, but okay, so here's the problem. Sansa arrives at Smileton early on in his delivery schedule. So if anything was to go wrong with his landing here and for him to get injured or in any way stalled or delayed in the delivery for the rest of the world,
00:28:43
Speaker
that everybody on planet Earth would be disappointed by that. So it was our responsibility to set something up that was safe, that was respectful, that guarded Christmas, not only for Smiles and but for the entire planet Earth. Elizabeth, you're talking crazy.
00:29:01
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, silence yourselves. That was a bunch of nonsense. Some of you are visitors. You don't care about that. Smiles and money being wasted on this nonsense. $150 million. We were taking it. I love I love what we're taking for granted here. Oh, yeah. We have a UFO landing pad facility and now we have a site B apparently, which I had never heard of. That's out in Canola Field. Oh.
00:29:19
Speaker
Really? Yeah. And you know what? Farmer John is so sick and tired of all those crop circles showing up. So he's only saying yes to this during the Christmas season because of course it's winter and the crop circles will probably just bounce right back in spring. I give up.
00:29:36
Speaker
That's it for this edition of the Smileson News. I'm Miss Elizabeth. Good night, out of sight. Miss Elizabeth, thank you, as always, for that hard-hitting report, but I gotta admit, I'm a broken man. I can't, I can't. The tsunami of nonsense you put forward in that segment is too much for one person to resist, and I just, I'm resigned to my fate, Miss Elizabeth.
00:29:59
Speaker
The Ghost of Christmas Past in the form of Smilton News, right here on Hellos Mountain. Yeah, many similar types of things are happening about town in Smilton. It's the same deal all over again this year, Miss Elizabeth. Well, you know, we've covered Christmas presents, we've covered Christmas past, now we've got to look to Christmas future. What better way to do that than with a smile syndicate song? What are you doing later on today?
00:30:23
Speaker
What am I doing later on today? It's Christmas day. It's Christmas day. What are your plans for the rest of today? Sitting down. Okay. Well, don't sit down just yet because we have to go- I don't like surprises, Ms. Elizabeth. Well, this is not a surprise I told you about this weeks ago. Okay. Okay. We have to go pick up the turkey.
00:30:39
Speaker
What turkey? What's we? You pick up your own turkey, Miss Elizabeth. I already got my Christmas meal planned out. Frozen pizza. As we
Christmas Day Plans & Episode Conclusion
00:30:50
Speaker
know, Rupert has been traveling, Rupert the turkey, and he is coming back into town, and he's arrived back, and we knew he was going to arrive back on Christmas. Are you telling me I'm on the hook for an airport pickup for a turkey on Christmas Day? Well, it's a bus stop. It's a bus stop pickup, because as you know... The bus station is as far away as the airport.
00:31:09
Speaker
turkeys are ground fowl Jason and they can't fly so he's one of birds friends and I think that you'll like him better than you like Rupert. So we have to go and pick up Rupert later today. There goes my Christmas plan out the window. Why can't you get someone else to give you a lift? You promised this up like weeks ago. I was distracted and I was just saying yes to get you to
00:31:30
Speaker
Shut up! I think you... I think you might have said yes because you thought it was the Christmas turkey for dinner. The Christmas turkey. I don't know. I don't know. Okay. Well, apparently we got to go pick up a turkey, dear listener friends. So while we're doing that, well, we're going to finish the show first, I guess. Christmas Future. Let's look ahead with a Smile Syndicate song. Let's sing Jingle Bells.
00:32:14
Speaker
Wasteland winter's only getting started. Spring's a mere five months away. Maybe a sleighing song would help. Let's get you all fixed up today. Come on, let's sing jingle bells. You know all the words. Let the music warm you up. Frostbite's for the birds. Sing into the megalove.
00:32:48
Speaker
Come on, let's sing Jingle Bell It's gonna be dark soon
00:32:55
Speaker
sunset man the days are getting shorter daytime is an hour long the lack of light won't get you down when the jukebox plays the song come on let's sing jingle bells you know all the words let the music warm you up frost bites for the birds sing into the megaphone
00:33:25
Speaker
we're louder than the moon come on let's sing jingle bells it's gonna be dark soon
00:34:04
Speaker
But the Sun is shining brightly dancing
00:34:11
Speaker
At least you can hum the tune With your tongue stuck to a pole Come on, let's sing jingle bells You know all the words Let the music warm you up Frostbite's ball of words Sing into the megaphone We're louder than the moon
00:34:38
Speaker
Come on, let's sing Jingle Bells. It's gonna be dark too. Let's sing Jingle Bells. Oh, the smile's gonna get right here on Hellos Mountain.
00:34:50
Speaker
Well, that's all what it's about, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, I think we should be singing Jingle Bells. We should be just singing Jingle Bells. I gotta, because the headache that's coming on now from what we've just covered in this show is roaring like a tsunami, a Christmas tsunami. Christmas tsunami. Well, those are no fun. But what is fun is this show coming right back at you, dear listener friend. Let's look ahead to the calendar for New Year's Day. Once again, no days off. Well, this is a 365 job, Miss Elizabeth.
00:35:16
Speaker
I mean, life is life is living every single day. You don't get a day off from living life. Podcasting is life. Apparently. Yeah. Well, I should have chosen another one. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smiles. And there's a lot of fun going on here. So let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smiles. And so spread the word and make a difference. So it's Merry Christmas from Jason.
00:35:46
Speaker
Bye bye. Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas from me. See you next weekend. As always, remember friend, the sun is a deep box. Jingle jingle.