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Cram Your Penance
44 Plays11 months ago
A new year gets off to an EXPLOSIVE start with this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON!
Jason and Miss Elizabeth are showing up as early as possible this year and are fully prepared to deliver the very best in comedy and original music entertainment, straight from Smileton.
A classic NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION UPDATE will see our hosts checking in with each other about their latest batch of resolutions and vigorously keep each other honest while a vintage SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD will have us getting messages straight from the good people of our town, whether we want to hear them or not.
HELLO, SMILETON. You Won't Believe A Single One Of Your Senses.
Show Timestamps:
3:31 New Year's Resolution Update (from January 3, 2022)
21:55 SONG – I Won't Waffle
26:15 Smileton Community Message Board (from November 23, 2020)
42:53 SONG – The Sun Is A Jukebox
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Transcript
Introduction and New Year Excitement
00:00:04
Speaker
Hello, Smileson. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today, and this year, let's go Jason and Happy New Year!
00:00:19
Speaker
Happy New Year, Miss Elizabeth. Thank you so much. I'm glad you're revved up for the year ahead because I certainly am. Dear listener friends, thanks so much for checking us out. The first episode of a new year, we got a whole batch of fun stuff coming your way throughout 2024, I guarantee it. You know what I bet, Jason, a lot of people are not listening to this on New Year's Day because they are recovering on New Year's Day because of the enormous party that they threw the day before.
00:00:55
Speaker
Am I hollering into the void, Miss Elizabeth? Is that what you're telling me? Actually, you just made me wonder, do you need a break?
Jason's New Year's Eve Dilemma
00:01:02
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I'm stressed. Of course I need a break. This show- Didn't you have a good party last night? Weren't you having a nice- No, I did not, Miss Elizabeth. Didn't you have a celebration? No, of course not. Did you count down? Miss Elizabeth- Did you kiss your sweetheart? Let me tell you about my New Year's Eve festivities because I was on the road
00:01:12
Speaker
What are you saying to me here? Am I wasting my time? Am I hollowing into...
00:01:22
Speaker
hockey stick in hand, tennis ball in front of me, shooting at a net. Why was I doing that? Why were you doing that? Because my team, my Smile to Northside Community Street hockey team. What are they called again? The Smile Syndicate cool dudes. Oh, the cool dudes.
00:01:37
Speaker
me and the stumble bum interns and no help and the worst like ladies and gentlemen silence yourself i admit we may be a laughing stock right now of the league but that will change in 2024 and the way to do that is to take new year's eve call a practice and i called the crew out yeah
00:01:55
Speaker
9 p.m. Practice. Okay. Out on the road. Everybody's having a party. They're partying. No one showed up, Miss Elizabeth. I was there by myself. What a pathetic display from a half-assed teen. You need to join in to the actual party that's happening. The party was on the street, Miss Elizabeth. And it involved two nets and a tennis ball. The party was in your pants. Yeah. Oh, very funny, Miss Elizabeth. That barely makes sense, given the context.
00:02:25
Speaker
Well, y'all, you can cram your crude jokes in all day long. Snow pants. Snow pants. Yeah, the party was in my snow pants. I was trying to practice, Miss Elizabeth, because we've got a very important game today against the Flapjack Freakazoids. The class of the league. What, you're playing today? Yes! Right after the- this is why I'm stressed. I don't understand why there's a game today. Isn't everybody hungover?
00:02:51
Speaker
That's the only thing that'll save us. At the Flapjack Freakazoids got a party a little too heartily last night. I was going to say, but your team also apparently was partying. I'm going to be the only one showing up to the game. It's going to be an absolute disaster on both sides. I think it's going to be a complete wreck. Why? Because both teams are hungover except for you. You underestimate. Yes. And can I put a team on these broad shoulders and carry them to the promised land?
00:03:15
Speaker
You think you can? Yeah, probably. All right. Well, I guess time will tell. Time will tell. And this game, I'm ready for it, Miss Elizabeth. So we've got to focus on the important things, which is getting this show done in
Reflecting on New Year's Resolutions
00:03:26
Speaker
an honorable way. And then I got to put on the tennis shoes and get out there on the street because I got a game to win.
00:03:31
Speaker
Yeah, but don't forget also, we need to come up with our new New Year's resolutions. Well, yes, we do. Because we haven't quite finished doing that yet. And Ms. Elizabeth, we're going to check into the archives. We're going to look to the future by acknowledging what we've done in the past. And that means taking a couple of choice selections from the vast archives of this show, Hello, S'Mountain, and its spiritual forebearer, the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. Let's pull a couple of pics out of the archive and revisit them as old friends.
00:03:59
Speaker
Well, I have an idea because we have not gotten together all of our New Year's resolutions for 20... No, we're not ready to present yet. Wait, is it 2025? It's 2024, Ms. Elizabeth. It's 2024. You do too many podcasts. You can't even keep track of the year. Okay, it's 2024? Yes. This year? Yeah, as of today. Oh, okay, okay. Are you sure?
00:04:22
Speaker
I'm gonna let me look it up on the computer. Okay. Yeah, I am. Okay, so what do you what do you want to pick? What do you want to hear? Well, I think we should still focus on our New Year's resolution. So I think maybe we should look back to a previous year. Okay, maybe let's if if this year is 2024, then last year was 2023. Yes, correct. Okay, so the New Year's resolution update from episode 269 called the grip strength of 10 dudes.
00:04:49
Speaker
of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. That's right. And when did that first air, Miss Elizabeth? That was in 2022. January 3rd? January 3rd. Wow. Well, that was a lucky guess. The entire archive of the show is in my head, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. Well, let's open up that skullcap and take a listen. Sounds good. New year.
00:05:10
Speaker
New you, new me, new you, dear listener friend, I should hope. And we got to make sure that's just not an empty mouthing. We have to make commitments. We have to honor these commitments. Well, we should take the opportunity to try to make ourselves better and maybe to make each other better and maybe to make the whole world a better place.
00:05:31
Speaker
Well, you've said a mouthful, Miss Elizabeth. I'm primarily concerned with riding my own ship. That's where it's got to start. Got to make your own bed. And we can talk all this happy talk to each other till the cows come home, but where the rubber meets the row is when we get putting resolutions down on paper. And not only that, dear listener friend, if you've been listening to this show throughout last year, you know
00:05:54
Speaker
We regularly checked in on resolutions, gave updates, and we held each other accountable. Now, if we were going to cast our eye back to how 2021 went, let me just say my performance was pretty magnificent. The percentage was through the charts of the resolutions I kept to. Yeah, I'm proud of you, Jason. Good.
00:06:21
Speaker
And I cast a suspicious eye on your list of easy, trivial resolutions that you barely had to get out of bed to do half of them. Don't feel that you have to reciprocate. I'm just telling you true. So all that's a bunch of jibber jab to say we've got the latest
00:06:39
Speaker
and resolutions were going through them right now. Okay, speaking of which, we had so many resolutions last year. These are, let's just be specific, these are now all new resolutions. Each time we check it, there's too many. These are all new from 2022. We don't just have one or two, we have hundreds of resolutions. Is it 2022? 2022. Is it 2022? Yes.
00:07:01
Speaker
My goodness. Do we have to push pause and look at a calendar? I feel like I need to practice writing some checks. What are you writing checks for anymore? Smile syndicate deals only in cash. That's the way it rolls. Oh, okay. We got to keep each other honest. We have a new batch of New Year's resolution updates. All awesome positivity. And are you listening Miss Elizabeth? Can you hear the new music accompanying this segment?
00:07:29
Speaker
There's new music. That's right, new year, new music. That's the way it's rolling here. Miss Elizabeth, we gotta get to it. So can I hit you with your first resolution? Yeah, okay. Because it's barely won at all. Oh, that's unkind.
00:07:40
Speaker
Don't just keep to my resolutions. Help other people with theirs. That's one of my resolutions. Meddling? Sticking your meddling nose where it doesn't belong? Helping people. For example, I'm going to start close to home. I'm going to start with right here in the studio, I'm going to help you with one of your, or maybe several of your resolutions. Maybe doing this resolution update is my way of assisting you with your grandiose, may I say very large and grandiose resolutions.
00:08:09
Speaker
I will help you to achieve yours. You're filibustering.
00:08:14
Speaker
I would be very interested to see what kind of help this is because usually you scoff, you undercut, and meanwhile you try to prance through this segment with a bunch of trivialities. So let's just keep each other honest right here, right now. That is my resolution. That's a bogus resolution. Alright, well here's yours. Make it so and thus that mine enemies won't forget this year
00:08:42
Speaker
Ever exactly Wow, you wrote that one down in a very specific way. May I interrogate you as to go up go right ahead because Why did you phrase it this way? Because make it so and thus because it's serious business miss Elizabeth Is this how we should begin all of our resolutions like I don't make it so and thus help others with their resolutions Just jangles the nerves that doesn't even make sense miss Elizabeth. That's like putting vinegar on ice cream
00:09:12
Speaker
Mine was worded in a very proper way. It is a proper resolution. It is not the idle journal entry of a high school person. Speaking of which, how are you going to make sure that your enemies don't forget this year ever? Perhaps you were going to buy them a camera.
00:09:28
Speaker
No. Are you going to buy them a journal? No. Miss Elizabeth, this is a multi-pronged resolution. Oh. It has to do with what I do. Camera and journal. What I do to my enemies and what they do to themselves. It should prove interesting. This resolution will take months to bear fruit. Falkhorn.
00:09:48
Speaker
Cramming you with a rotten pumpkin is one of my resolutions. So let me tell you no, it isn't that's that's one I got right up here Here's your next one. It's all attitude. Yeah, make it summertime year-round. Uh-huh. How dare you?
00:10:07
Speaker
After I nearly lost my life in a terrible winter-related accident, you're telling me it was all in my head? No, no, I'm saying you should put summertime in your head. You gotta cover that ice sheet. Fine. It's done.
00:10:21
Speaker
Meanwhile, there's ice on the ground. I don't know what. Cover that ice sheet with daisies and you're going to prance directly through them. And even if you slip and slide, you are just going to feel like, you know, it was OK. I don't. It was OK. It wasn't OK. Because your head is full of daisies and sunshine. My head is mildly concussed. That ice was no joke.
00:10:42
Speaker
This is how you help me with your resolutions. This is me trying to help. Okay, so here's another one of yours. Find an area so that I can be described as the dominant newcomer. That's right. What does that even mean? Find an area of... Now, wait a minute. Is that physical? Find some area of endeavor in which I would be described as the dominant newcomer. Like a practice.
00:11:09
Speaker
or something. A discipline. A discipline. A sport. So when you said area. An activity. Crazy me, but I thought you meant like a space, like a space on the map. An area of endeavor. I thought you meant like a field. I have clarified myself twice. Okay.
00:11:27
Speaker
So you are going to be the dominant newcomer in an area of endeavor. See, if I were you, Ms. Elizabeth, I would have written, start a new hobby. You can't have too many. It's a lovely time. I don't know why. You just go blah, blah, blah. And you commit to nothing.
00:11:44
Speaker
Meanwhile, not only am I going to start something new, I will make commentators say, describe me as the dominant newcomer. Okay. So the force of my entry into this new field, whatever it is, I don't really know what it is yet. It's going to be impactful. It's going to be decisive. You should narrow that down.
00:12:04
Speaker
Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, it'll find me. This area will find me. Narrow it down. I'm ready to enter that area. Okay, and dominate it. Oh, you're going to dominate. That's what the resolution says, Miss Elizabeth, which is more than I can say for you because your next one is, mine or not, any frown I see will be turned upside down. Yes. You and your meddling ways.
00:12:28
Speaker
yeah ladies and gentlemen the audience doesn't like that okay if only you could put your meddlesome your meddlesome doings into cleaning up the act of the studio audience because they're they will applaud at anything like trained seals especially for for someone who's got her mind on business that's not her own
00:12:48
Speaker
Okay, well, I mean, if somebody's feeling sad, or maybe glum, or dare I say upset, or perhaps they're crying. Yeah, maybe they have good reason. Maybe it's because of you. Okay, well it wasn't.
00:13:03
Speaker
For the record. Okay, well, I'd like to hear it from them if you don't mind, Miss Elizabeth. I'm not going to take your word for it this time. I'd like to cheer them up. What's wrong with that? Just leave them alone. Just want to cheer people up. Overcome fear of heights by base jumping off everything. I think this might actually be illegal. Everything.
00:13:25
Speaker
Jonny Law wants me to stop overcoming my obstacles? Well, forget in line. Jonny Law thinks you might hurt yourself and public property. I'll have a parachute. I'm not going to get hurt, but I'm going to jump off every freaking thing I can see. But while you're doing it, you are currently afraid of heights, so you are going to be screaming all the way down. Is that true?
00:13:46
Speaker
Uh, uh, am I under oath? Yes, it's true. Why do you think it's an- Miss Elizabeth, if I had fun up in the Heights, why would I jump off? Why would I have base? Why would I be base jumping? Base jumping? I'm base jumping. Yeah. I'm gonna strap a parachute to my back and I'm gonna jump off a stationary structure. Okay, if you jump out of a plane, is that considered base jumping? No, base. Something attached to the ground. Oh, okay. Like a building.
00:14:11
Speaker
Like a home base. Or a makeshift platform. I think it's illegal. I don't care, Miss Elizabeth. The law will fall when it comes to me keeping up with my resolutions. Maybe Johnny Law's going to base jump after you. Well, he's welcome to try. Here's the next one for you that's making me laugh. Grocery stores are the perfect place to strike up conversations. Go start some. There you go.
00:14:40
Speaker
I just gotta explain yourself. Well, let me explain. Number one, striking up conversations, you know, is a really good thing to do. It fosters community and develop, it can initiate or develop friendships between people, between one person to another person, especially when you're in a grocery store that happens to be
00:15:04
Speaker
One of the places where you can is this boring? No, no miss. It is not boring I'm just waiting to leap in there because you were describing an experience. I'm you're not boring People in in annoying me people in grocery stores. They have questions So they're looking at the cereal and they're thinking how much carbs is in this area what they're really
00:15:24
Speaker
have normal people in a grocery store have missions. They are not looking to talk to people. They would rather have the store be empty. They would rather have the items laid out before them so they can put them into their rucksack and get out of that store as soon as possible.
00:15:42
Speaker
They're on a mission to develop friendships with each other and secondarily fill their carts with yummy goodness Well, I think we got to agree to disagree and you have to go to a different kind of grocery store for me because I'm not looking to chat with anybody I can't stand being in there in and out as fast as possible. That's the rule explain yourself on this next one Okay, increased grip strength tenfold. That's right. Now listen That's a lot
00:16:08
Speaker
Yeah, it's a resolution. It isn't a walk in the park. I want to help you. One of my resolutions is to help you. But that's a lot, Jason. No kidding! Listen, you have ten fingers on your hand. Right. Times ten? That's a hundred. Yeah. I don't know what that number means, but it's big. I'm gonna help you out. I'm gonna get you and nine other dudes together. Okay, no. Spare me the other dudes, Miss Elizabeth. I got them. It's me and my two hands and we'll get this job done. Ten dudes.
00:16:33
Speaker
No, the grip strength of tendu I want to be I'm gonna I want to be able to go into this Grocery store you this hypothetical grocery store even thrown around and I want to go into the soup aisle And I would just want to pick up a can in each hand and say where is the chicken noodle soup? I can't eat this cream of mushroom and just squeeze the cans done nothing to atom dust and have the soup fly everywhere and people
00:16:59
Speaker
Does the soup eject out of the top and the bottom? Yes, top and the bottom hit the ceiling, hit the floor because of the sheer force of the grip strength. Okay, fine. But now you break it, you bought it. That's fine. Okay. However much soup is, I can afford it because with grip strength like this, you better be backing up those dump trucks with money.
00:17:17
Speaker
You know you better be controlling that grip strength as well because if what if I know me I'm gonna abuse the power you are gonna abuse the power and Every time you pick up a pen like or a phone you'll snap it in half. That's Miss Elizabeth control I will have control as well as a diabolical strength in my hands. Okay. Here's your next one. Yeah more yoga this year
00:17:39
Speaker
That's for sure. That's for darn sure, Jason. Well, darn tootin'. It had to happen. A stop clock is correct twice a day and you finally landed on one that kind of makes sense. You have agreed, finally, to go to see my pal Angel. No. In his yoga studio and get yoga eyes. No. Good and proper. I don't call that yoga. You're going to put on that crash helmet. You're going to put on that dog suit. You're going to be bracing. I'm not going to do that. For the fire hose to shoot you around like a rag doll. Jason, are you doing it? Yoga as it was meant to be. Do more yoga this year?
00:18:07
Speaker
I don't know if I can do more than I have in Miss Elizabeth. I'm barely hanging on as it is. I have been brutalized. The yoga dogs have a few new tricks up their sleeves and the last couple months have been brutalizing. I'm not doing that kind of yoga. I'm not being mauled by a dog. I'm going to do downward facing dog.
00:18:27
Speaker
Okay, again, why didn't you put yoga? Why didn't you have a bit of honesty, a bit of integrity and put yoga in double quotes because that's yoga to me, not proper yoga. Alright, explain yourself on this one. I should probably add some exotic flavor of kickboxing to the repertoire. Yeah.
00:18:46
Speaker
Yeah. What does that mean? Mix it up a little. What does that mean? Are you going to do kickboxing in your yoga class? In just my daily life, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, kickboxing. I've got certain skills. And I think some kind of- Kickboxing is not one of them. I don't think I've seen you raise your leg more than about 30 degrees ever. Except for that time when you saw the ice. Oh, yeah, except when I- I- Miss Elizabeth puts herself in the hospital from laughing. Let me rebut.
00:19:20
Speaker
You don't see me kickboxing, Miss Elizabeth, because people know better. They know better than to start something with me. This is utterly unprofessional.
00:19:35
Speaker
Yeah, kickboxing, Miss Elizabeth. Maybe you should start with an outfit. It's like, oh, you've got 100 nuclear bombs in your arsenal. Well, I haven't seen you set one off. That's right. The sheer fact that people know when it means I don't even have to use it. And that's the sheer fact of people knowing that means I never have to use it, Miss Elizabeth.
00:19:53
Speaker
Okay, so yeah, so I'm glad you had a good laugh. That was the point of that I was trying to improve my life. You had a good laugh at it. So I'm going to pick myself up. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I'm not even hearing you anymore. You're a naysayer and that's it. Okay. I'm sorry. I believe in you. I believe you can kick and punch and I can I can sweep this. Okay.
00:20:16
Speaker
Well, that's it. Hope you, ladies and gentlemen, silence. I'm trying to listen to the new theme music. I don't care what they're up to, Miss Elizabeth. They're not doing it in a spirit of goodwill. I can tell you that much. As you can tell, I'm kind of agitated at this point. You are, but you can do it. I know I can do it, Miss Elizabeth. Old stuff right here on Hello, Smile. Yeah, I think some of those New Year's resolutions are going to come back into play.
00:20:42
Speaker
Yeah, probably, Miss Elizabeth, because I remain as committed as ever to the sacred promises I made to the world at large with those very resolutions. And don't worry, dear listener friend, a fresh batch is coming at you later this month. Yeah. Do you ever worry that our lists are getting really long for New Year's resolutions?
00:20:59
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, the day is long and the strength is mighty. So yeah, I'm not worried. I think one of my resolutions, and this is just off the top of my head, so not confirmed yet, might be to restrict my list of New Year's resolutions by a certain number. That's the worst resolution I ever heard. I'm going to resolve to do less resolving. It's decluttering.
00:21:23
Speaker
Decluttering. You gotta clutter up those things. You gotta attack your life from every angle, Miss Elizabeth. So you need more resolutions, not less. Okay. I think less might be more. You remember about that? Well, we'll have to duke it out on the next all new edition of the New Year's resolution update.
Musical Interlude: "I Won't Waffle"
00:21:40
Speaker
In the meantime, let's hear a song. Okay. I'm going to reach over to the Smileton radio, tune it in. See what's beeping on the airwaves. 2024. Be decisive, Jason. I am. And look what we've landed on. Okay.
00:21:52
Speaker
I won't waffle appropriately enough. Let's listen.
00:22:14
Speaker
No juice when you need it most In a jam your day is toast, your plate is full
00:23:02
Speaker
Like man cakes, how much more can one man take? On your back, your hollandaise Take dawn to collect your pay Your play to school, you'll miss your hour
00:24:06
Speaker
you
00:24:32
Speaker
You saw such things that made you sweat and scramble
00:25:40
Speaker
I won't waffle by the smile syndicate right here on Hello Smiling. That's the attitude you've got to take when you're fulfilling your resolutions, Miss Elizabeth. And I think one of your New Year's resolutions, and don't waffle on this, Jason, should be making some more songs this year. Maybe so, Miss Elizabeth. There might be a huge treasure trove that is just aching to be born into the world of light and magic. All right. It's almost like you're pregnant with songs.
Podcast Reflection and Community Messages
00:26:08
Speaker
That's how I feel, kazoo. I am bloated these days, Miss Lismith. Well, we got to do another pic. And I know what you're thinking, dear listener friend. Oh, Jason's doing the picking. It's got to be a Lance Brox rock talk. Okay. Well, guess what? I'm zagging instead of zigging. Oh, okay. We're going to listen to a smile and community message board. How about that? That's excellent. Yes. Good choice. This is from way back, way back.
00:26:35
Speaker
Okay. Episode 167 of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. Just how old is this podcast? It's very old, Miss Elizabeth, because this one aired in 2020, November 23rd. Wow. And that episode was called Running You a Ground on a Reef of Bad Podcasts. Okay. Let's listen. Oh, don't worry about it. My credentials as a seasoned podcaster are now questionable. Miss Dear Listener... Maybe you can stop calling people in narrative well for five minutes.
00:27:02
Speaker
What does that have to- Miss Elizabeth, you have been zinging me all show long. It's baffling, quite frankly. I don't know why. I call them as I see them, you know that, Miss Elizabeth, and if someone isn't there do well, they're gonna hear about it from me. Okay, we didn't even last five minutes. For what? Just stop calling people there do well for five minutes. I wish I could. As penance for your mistake. Miss Elizabeth, cram your penance.
00:27:32
Speaker
Speaking of Nerdy Wells, we're going to turn to the Smilton Community Message Board. We're going to hear from our good citizens of Smilton. They've got concerns. They've got missed romantic connections. They've got stuff for sale. They've got ramblings to give us. So we've picked some of the more recent messages out of that bulging message board bag. And we're going to give the people of Smilton a soapbox. Right now, Miss Elizabeth, what's your first message?
00:27:57
Speaker
So, and you can submit your messages if you want to mailbag at thesmilesyndicate.com. That's right. Go do it, dear listener friend. Give me a C, give me an H, give me an E, give me an E, give me an R, give me an L, give me an E, give me an A. Are you interested in cheerleading? Are you out of high school or a post-secondary institution and still feeling the bug?
00:28:20
Speaker
Then come to the inaugural meeting of the Smiles and Cheers Society this Saturday at 2 p.m. in the general meeting room at the downtown Smiles and Public Library. Get your pom-poms out and join us. Whatever your age or skill level, we want you to come and help us run around cheering everything.
00:28:38
Speaker
Everyone loves a cheerleader and everyone loves being a cheerleader and now you can with us from Michelle mailbox 7930. Oh boy I think this is not what this town needs right now a bunch of grown adults running around being cheerleaders Like miss Elizabeth. I am all for having a happy town. It's not usually it is called smileton doing cheerleading I don't think so either high school or university students, but they're students
00:29:05
Speaker
Alright, professional cheerleading teams. They're adults, I think. Yeah, but why do we need our ramshackle rag tying assemblers of... Smiles and citizenry getting together, shaking pom-poms? It's gonna lead to trouble. I think your friend from Angel's Yogas is gonna be there.
00:29:22
Speaker
What's her name? Lillian? Yeah, she's gonna be one. She's gonna do awesome at it. She's way too active in the community. She's getting her beak in everything. Yeah, and by active, like physically active. Yeah, well, if she starts beating people up, that might be okay. That might be a kind of cheerleading I could appreciate, but I've got a grim outlook on this one, Miss Elizabeth. Here's the next one.
00:29:45
Speaker
Band of future rock gods seeks effin' drummer. We're about to hit the effin' big time like a jet breaking the sound barrier of rock so if you've got the chops I suggest you get on this effin' rock n' roll train right now cause you'll never effin' forgive yourself if you miss this effin' boat.
00:30:05
Speaker
You can undercut Rock however you want, Miss Elizabeth, but you will see it's like a BB bouncing off a dinosaur. It's just very obvious who wrote this message. I haven't read this one. You gotta be able to play like Randy Rhodes if he was a drummer and have effing Rock in your bones and be willing to party when the job is done just like a true effing Rock traveler.
00:30:23
Speaker
No losers, no posers, and if you shop at Rock Stallion guitars or deal with Mitch Winchell, then sorry, ya poser loser, that drumstool ain't for you. Peace out, over and out, the guitar man, mailbox 2345. Well, Smilton has an active rock community and this gentleman is looking for a drummer and he's got
00:30:41
Speaker
It's Lance. It's your buddy Lance. It could be my buddy Lance. I told you, dear listener friend, a couple episodes ago about the first rehearsal I attended for this band, Goin' Snake. It's going to be the biggest rock band in the world. I'm pretty convinced of this. Why wouldn't you select the Smile Syndicate to be the biggest rock band in the world?
00:31:03
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I told you before there's us earthbound mortals and then there's rock and roll Mount Olympus where only gods may play and I gotta tell you the way going snake is going and stuff they're gonna be gods before us but that's okay that's okay there's that Mount Olympus is big but we got some work to do before we're up we're up there with those guys okay well the band this is a problem now because I was looking forward to doing more rehearsals maybe starting to do some shows with going snake but until we find a drummer where we're in a holding pattern we're on ice
00:31:31
Speaker
Would you like me to fill in for you? I'm pretty good. If you got the chops, bring them. I mean, I think I can keep time. Yeah. But I don't think Lance would appreciate you being a member of both his band and you hanging around with Mitch Winchell joining his band, which you threatened to do last time. I don't even want to hear about how that rehearsal went, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, there might be conflict. Yeah. And I think you're trying to be a spy here.
00:31:54
Speaker
Well, no, I- Thanks, no thanks, Miss Elizabeth. That's what I'm gonna say. Alright, it's time to get with the time, Smileton. Time for Smileton's Snow Queen to represent all of Smileton. Huh?
00:32:06
Speaker
The tradition of the Snow Queen always being a man is antiquated. And it makes our town look bad. Miss Elizabeth. Come on. I think this person has the thing to say. This is sloganeering. Let's not let's not interrupt too much. It's time to throw it open to all residents of Smilton. This year, we need a strong Snow Queen to lead us to victory over not one, but two foes. Indeed.
00:32:32
Speaker
Only by rejecting narrow attitudes can we soar ascendant. It's in our grasp, Smileton. Let's grab it from Miss Elizabeth Mailbox One. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, irresponsible. This isn't your private platform for these crank political ideas, Miss Elizabeth. You know, if you have a crank political idea, you can submit it to the mailbox too.
00:32:52
Speaker
Yeah. It takes all types, Miss Elizabeth, but this type got my blood boiling once again. Why? Because I was the Snow Queen last year. Go back to December episodes, dear listener friend. You can hear all about it. I led this town to victory in the Snowball Clips 2019. We've got an even bigger challenge coming dead ahead next month.
00:33:09
Speaker
Snowball clips 2020. Miss Elizabeth wants to be the Snow Queen, but no Snow Queen has ever been a woman. It's unheard of. I didn't say that I wanted to be the Snow Queen. I said, what do you mean? What are you mucking around for? Women should be allowed to be, especially given the fact that without my assistance, you probably wouldn't have succeeded last year. That's as may be, Miss Elizabeth. I just think this idea of rejecting narrow attitudes can be a reckless notion. I think we got to cling to the traditions of the past once in a while. Just be narrow minded.
00:33:38
Speaker
Narrow, that's a loaded term Miss Elizabeth. I think we just got a look to look to tradition here I am putting my hat in the ring. I think I should repeat a snow Queen with triumph last year So I you're putting your hat in the ring even though you were last year's snow Queen Yeah, and I'm gonna be this in that case. I am putting my hat in the ring Miss Elizabeth Gauntlet has been thrown. Yeah, I'm picking it up and I see that there's a foe before me miss Elizabeth I can't believe it's come to this we're gonna have to
00:34:06
Speaker
Maybe I can lead us to victory and you can be the support. Well, Miss Elizabeth, I just want our town to win and I was pretty good as Snow Queen last year and I think repeating is a no-brainer, but if you want to throw your hat. Were you pretty good last year? I was dynamite and I was crackerjack at the same time. I was a crackerjack dynamite powder keg. That's what I was. Alright, alright. It's on your resume in that phrasing anyway.
00:34:31
Speaker
Which, as it should be. So Miss Elizabeth, you want to turn history on its ear, you want to turn tradition upside down, you're telling me a woman can be a Snow Queen? Of course. And I'm thinking these words don't make sense as they come out of my mouth, but we're just going to have to figure this out, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. We can't derail the whole show, but my goodness, we're going to be talking all about this in the coming shows, that's for sure. I'll make it a very easy transition for you, Jason. You won't even notice. Forget it. You're in good hands. Don't fry this crown out of my cold dead hands, Miss Elizabeth. Challenge accepted.
00:35:01
Speaker
If you're like me, you can't get enough of fall festivals. Oh, why did I get this one?
00:35:06
Speaker
And this year we're kicking off a fall festival that we can hold even though it's chilly and there's snow everywhere. Join us Friday at noon in Harvester Square as Mayor Patty Pepper kicks off our latest festival. Let's welcome the winter with Sit Down a Spell, Old Man Winter Festival. Tickets are $45 each. That used to be called the Chinook Festival. I can't keep track of it. We have 87 fall festivals, Miss Elizabeth. It's madness.
00:35:32
Speaker
tickets are $45 each asinine $40 each if you buy 10 or more we have t-shirts hot dogs games for the kids and we'll have a blast decorating the giant rocking chair we've set up for old man winter to rest his weary bones and as he rests will enjoy autumn for that much longer but before we know it old man winter will be
00:35:52
Speaker
spraying us from the frost hose and tuming us all in ice as the crystal specter of winter descends upon the earth. I literally can't get enough of festivals. Thank goodness we have a town council wise enough to invest in festivals. It's Food for the Soul, Smileton. Food for the Soul. Festivals. Patrice. Mailbox 11224. Oh my goodness. This is Patrice, the assistant to Patti. Are her net crumb here? Patti Pepper's lackey. Her oot-looking ne'er-do-well.
00:36:20
Speaker
OK, those are all very negative words. He's he's her assistant. Yeah. And he's he's he's acting here like, oh, thank goodness we have such a wise mayor. This is this is the game, Miss Elizabeth. They're trying to control the message on our very message on our very message board, Miss Elizabeth.
00:36:36
Speaker
I'm getting together a group of 10 so we are going and and it's been very cost-effective and we're all gonna get a nice meal out of it and enjoy the festival. I feel like I'm being entombed in ice here just the just the the arrows and the slings and the misfortune that's been thrown at me today Miss Elizabeth I can hardly bear the strain of
00:36:55
Speaker
Thank you, Patrice. Next one. Does the idea of combining painstaking detail and the rush of epic battle scenes excite you? If so, then I suggest that you join the Spanish Civil War Reenactment Society and help us recreate battles so that we may better understand where we've been and where we're going and also to have a hoot of a time as well. Oh, boy. It's all about historical accuracy and also fun.
00:37:23
Speaker
You've probably seen us recreating Spanish Civil War battles, American Civil War battles, the Battle of Hoth from the Empire Strikes Back, and the stirring battle of Helm's Deep from the two towers, that stirring midpoint of Tolkien's mighty Lord of the Rings trilogy, as thrillingly brought to the screen by Kiwi film genius Peter Jackson. Yeah, Spanish Civil War Peter Jackson. I follow that train of thought.
00:37:49
Speaker
We're ending 2020 with a bang this year with our most complex battle yet. Okay. Join today and help us prepare our reenactment of the climax to destroy all monsters. That is not okay. Destroy all monsters, that classic 1968 film in which Godzilla and friends battle the terrifying three-headed beast King Ghidorah.
00:38:15
Speaker
Like, Miss Elizabeth, are you hearing yourself? This is not a Spanish Civil War enactment. This is people dressing up in monster suits, kicking over models. Yeah. Let's call it out. This is a message.
00:38:25
Speaker
Our model makers have spent months making full, small-scale models of Tokyo, Beijing, and Paris. It's gonna be fun. Help us dress up as monsters and smash those things to pieces. It's not even dancing around it. That's exactly what this thing is. Sign up fast and get the monster you want. Godzilla's gone for sure. I think Terry's gonna be Godzilla. I think Mothra might- Terry from your hip-hop podcast? That's right, Terry's Godzilla.
00:38:52
Speaker
I think, I mean, it needs to be confirmed, I think Mothra might still be available, maybe Gorosaurus? Don't even think about King Ghidorah, that's all mine! If we run out of actual monsters, you can make up one, and come dressed as that!
00:39:07
Speaker
historical accuracy. Yeah. Remember, Smiles is home for exciting historical accuracy, painstaking detail and a reverence for our storied past. That's got to be the Spanish Civil War reenactment society from Stan mailbox 54 and 97. These are getting a little bit long. I trust it.
00:39:29
Speaker
I trust that you've heard what you've been saying, Miss Elizabeth, and you realize the absurdity. On the one hand, he's saying historical painstaking accuracy, and the next he's saying, oh, you want to be a monster? Make your own up, and let's come on, let's smash
Unusual Community Announcements
00:39:41
Speaker
some stuff. This has nothing to do with any kind of those reenactment societies. These are a bunch of goofballs having fun on the public dime.
00:39:48
Speaker
Well, I'm not sure about the public dime. Well, Mayor Patti Pepper, I'm sure is involved in this one, too, and they're getting permission to use Harvester Square a little too often, I'd say. It is a society that's probably getting some funding. Yeah, Miss Elizabeth. Probably just pays for catering. I hope this next message cheers me up a little bit, but I've got my doubts. This is to formally announce that the president of the Smilton Optimist Society has been removed from his position and by the sacred rites of Kiel Ahtir has been banished from our realm.
00:40:16
Speaker
Wow, I misread that as optometrist society. Nope. The cultists of Kral, speaking in tongues, chanted for the appointed time. The ritual of Ganel Kreshta was performed as the ancient scroll instructed. The stones of Ryloth glowed red as the sinister sentence was passed. The tentacles from beyond time have enwrapped Keith Jesperson and have pulled him into the infinite void of eternal madness beyond the stars.
00:40:42
Speaker
The Smileton Optimists Society must now select a new president and welcome new members to raise their voices in the chorus of Shail Karaf as we chant for all time until the slumbering doom awakes and we pick a new president. This is a weird society. We will be meeting in the back room of Zeke Zebra Duds this Saturday at 10am. That's Zeke Zebra Duds. Smileton's true source for zebra striped clothing and accessories. Come on down and get striped. Zeke mailbox 4503.
00:41:08
Speaker
This is some kind of crazy cult, like some kind of monster worshiping cult. Yeah, it's like a Cthulhu type thing. It is like Cthulhu. Well, and Zeke's involved with it, or is it just called Optimus? That Optimus society has gone a little off mission. I think they're plotting for the doom of the world by awakening a slumbering ancient god. Well, that's Cthulhu for sure. Well, that can't be good.
00:41:31
Speaker
But that's not good for Smilton. That's not good for anybody. And plus, I don't like if that was true, that'd be concerning. And if it isn't true, that's concerning as well. That's just Zeke making stuff up to sneak an ad in for his store at the end of the day. Could be that. So either he's duplicitous or he's a cultist.
Musical Interlude: "The Sun is a Jukebox"
00:41:45
Speaker
I don't know which is worse, Miss Elizabeth. I'd say duplicitous, probably.
00:41:49
Speaker
Well, that's the Smileton Community Message Board. My goodness, Ms. Elizabeth. You'd think just opening the window and taking a breath of air from the town and seeing what's up would clear your head and make you happy, and it's just got me flummoxed. There's lots of weird stuff going on in our town. I love it. I don't know what to do. I love it.
00:42:06
Speaker
Smilton Community Message Board. I'll blast from the past right here on Hello, Smilton. Fun, charming, baffling, perplexing. And I think we should commit to reconnecting with the community here in Smilton and making sure that we get a lot more of those message boards done this year.
00:42:24
Speaker
Yeah, we're going to take that one offline. I think Miss Elizabeth, we got to talk about that a little bit. Oh, OK. This whole Smiletonians getting their nose in in our show. You see what trouble it leads to. We got to maybe take a second second. We'll look at that. OK, well, maybe we should take a vote from our listeners and see if they want to hear from Smiletonians. And the bad ideas keep on coming. OK. Dear listener friend, we got to listen to one song that's going to cheer you up, not just for today, but for this whole year. The sun is
Episode Conclusion and Sharing Encouragement
00:42:52
Speaker
a jukebox. Let's do that.
00:43:26
Speaker
Out of the shade
00:44:15
Speaker
about a star
00:44:48
Speaker
And what you need to make the music play The fiery fusion furnace Plays the hits all day Sunset is here No need for fright Wheels to hear the music
00:45:45
Speaker
The Sun is a Jukebox by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smiling, a charming number. And it's kind of the theme song for this whole podcast. For this whole endeavor. The Sun is a Jukebox. That's right. That's why you say it at the end of every show. It gives us energy all year long.
00:46:02
Speaker
Yeah, it does, Miss Elizabeth. And even in the night time, because it's always, it's always shining. The sun is somewhere. You just got to keep that in mind so that you might have sensed a themed dear listener friend for the songs we picked to play on this episode. We're setting the right tone for this year ahead. Yeah. Good choices. Yeah. Very good. Outstanding. Outstanding choices, Jason.
00:46:22
Speaker
Who programmed this podcast? I know, I have no clue. Some shadowy figures or maybe just us. Yeah. We're going to be back next week, dear listener friend, with an all new episode of Hello Smilton. January is going to be a blaze with entertainment, so get the marshmallows out. I'm looking forward to it. I have some ideas in my idea pot. Oh no. I'm stirring them up. Oh no. I've got ideas. I've got a pot. I'm going to slow you down right there. I've got a stirring tool. No, you know, put that pot away. It's bubbling.
00:46:51
Speaker
uh well we best brace ourselves more crazy nonsense from miss elizabeth will be coming at us soon enough oh brother well in the meantime we gotta say this one's done but it's been fun miss elizabeth
00:47:02
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word. Make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember friend, the sun is the jukebox.