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You Gotta Demand More From Your Magicians image

You Gotta Demand More From Your Magicians

E58 · Hello, Smileton
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52 Plays1 year ago

Three cheers to you for picking this podcast to listen to. A better way to spend your time has ne'er been conceived so kudos on the great taste you've got on display there, friend. Once you listen to this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, you'll convince yourself all over again just how sound your judgement can be sometimes.

Miss Elizabeth and Jason have stormed back into action, delivering the very best in Funtime Comedy and Musical capering.

Jason's open heart gets him into trouble again with a house guest while Miss Elizabeth gives us the rundown on some of the happenings from some of the 91 other podcasts she does on a weekly basis. I bet you didn't know you needed an all-new edition of MISS ELIZABETH'S PODCAST CATCH UP, but it turns out you did, so good thing there's one sitting right here for ya.

Place your bets the right way when you get the latest from the SMILETON NORTHSIDE COMMUNITY STREET HOCKEY LEAGUE INJURY REPORT. Guaranteed money in your pocket? You heard right.

Miss Elizabeth brings her award-deserving newscast to the world's attention in the latest SMILETON NEWS. Find out what the skinny is here in Smileton and consider yourself well-informed after hearing it.

Two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE punctuate the proceedings with catchy hooks, danceable tunes and rhythms that will get you out of that hammock and straight onto the dance floor.

HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.


Show Timestamps:

1:16 Jason's House Guest

3:40 Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Catch Up

19:25 SONG – Dirt Bike

22:45 Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report

27:57 Smileton News

38:33 SONG – Granny's Gone a-Skinny Dippin'

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Transcript

Welcome to the Comedy and Music Podcast

00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileson. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. Cheerful introduction. I'm glad one of us is feeling decent.
00:00:21
Speaker
You're not feeling decent? Well, I'm feeling a little better. Yeah, I thought it'd be way better because you've been under the weather. I was sick last week. Dear listener friends, thanks so much for joining us today.

Loyalty Leads to Trouble with Sidewinder

00:00:31
Speaker
If you checked out last week's show, you heard the death rattle from me as I was trying to put a brave face on the crushing medical challenge I was facing. I was sick, not feeling well, not up to doing a show. We did it anyway. You didn't die.
00:00:47
Speaker
I know, Miss Elizabeth, I'm here to tell the tale. I'm definitely still on the road to recovery, but it's getting better every day. And that's not to say that this week has not been a challenging one for me. It's been a great week. I'm exhausted. I have such great stories. Okay. I'm so excited. Well, I'm glad Miss Elizabeth because life seems... There's good things coming. Somebody, something is trying to tell me that I need to stop doing this show for a while.
00:01:11
Speaker
Oh, what? That's not me. I'm not saying that. No, but I, okay, I'll tell you something quick to explain why I'm so exhausted these days. All right. And it all comes down to one word. Okay. Loyalty. Okay. My steadfast loyalty to my friends, Miss Elizabeth, means I can get myself into trouble sometimes. Right, you are very loyal.
00:01:33
Speaker
Well, I'll tell you, my buddy, Sidewinder, one of the food court regulars, we hang out in this mountain mall food court all the time. He's a character. He's a character and sometimes he gets up to some stuff or maybe he needs to rely on a little bit of help from his friends.
00:01:49
Speaker
And in this case, maybe he, not to put too fine a point on it, maybe he stole the wrong person's identity. And he needs to lie low a little bit. Can you give us any details? Miss Elizabeth, I don't want to bore you with details that don't have anything to do with my story. Suffice it to say, the Sidewinder needed to sleep somewhere else for a little while. So he decided he was going to ask me to crash at my place. And I said, sure. That's a problem. That could be a problem. It's a challenge, Miss Elizabeth.
00:02:18
Speaker
He sleeps on the couch. The problem is, if only he slept, Miss Elizabeth. If he's not making gin in the bathtub, I don't even know what he gets up to, Miss Elizabeth, but it's all day, all night. Last night, I'm trying to get some sleep and it's quiet and I think I'm finally going to be able to get some shut eye. And this blood curdling scream, it was terrifying. So I went racing out like,
00:02:48
Speaker
You jackals. Someone somewhere might be suffering and that's all this audience needs to hear to get them laughing. Calling it blood curdling I think is what makes it funny. Well it was a terrifying scream Miss Elizabeth and I thought what is this? Is he having night terrors? Something wrong with Sidewinder? He's having a horrible dream? I run out there and he's just sitting in the armchair reading a book.
00:03:10
Speaker
Uh-huh. Scary book? No clue. And no explanation forthcoming. Miss Elizabeth, that's enough for me. I'm so tired. I can't sleep. My friend is taking advantage of my hospitality. He needs to leave. He needs to find his own place. He needs to do something else.

Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Adventures

00:03:27
Speaker
He needs to lay off identity theft for a little while. He needs to become himself again.
00:03:31
Speaker
I think so. Miss Elizabeth, we've got a fun show. Dear listener friend, I hope you're ready. There's going to be some fun afoot. I guarantee it. Yeah. And the first thing we're going to look at is we're going to challenge Miss Elizabeth to explain herself a little bit here. OK. Challenge accepted. I will explain anything. She does 90 one other podcast.
00:03:50
Speaker
Week in, week out. A lot of people who listen to this show don't have the time to keep up with it. So they've asked Miss Elizabeth to give us a rundown on some of those other shows, what's been going on. And we turn this show over to content from other podcasts. Can you imagine that your listener friend, what other show is crazy enough to do that?
00:04:10
Speaker
Right. Well, but you need a little summary. You need almost like, you know, like this week's picks. Like these are the ones that were great this week. Yeah. And I noticed, I noticed one show never, ever gets summarized in this segment. Well, that's because we're in the show. We're in the, I don't have to summarize this show because you're listening to it right now. It would be an internal loop if we summarized our show on the show in a segment dedicated to summarizing shows. That's why I never do it. Okay. Well, you're welcome.
00:04:35
Speaker
Okay, Miss Elizabeth. Miss Elizabeth's podcast, catch up. What's been going on in these other shows, Miss Elizabeth? You do too many. I think you're going to give us evidence of this very clearly. I'm not sure if you've ever listened to C and Double. C and Double. C and Double. It's a twins podcast.
00:04:51
Speaker
So what are you doing on that show? You're not a twin. I'm okay. So I'm not a twin. That's true. Yeah, that's true. This is a podcast. Don't let that stop you from doing a show about twins, Miss Elizabeth. I get a lot of invitations from all across town, all different walks of life to join a lot of different podcasts. So that's really not an issue for me. I don't know. That's just how I roll.
00:05:12
Speaker
If the people on the show don't have a challenge with it and the people listening to the show don't care that you're not a twin and yet you're opining on being a twin, who am I to complain? Okay, well listen to this about the twins podcast. Okay, let's tell us all about it. Your eyes are not deceiving you. We did do two, count some two, new episodes of Seeing Double, a twins podcast this week. So if you look on your feet and there's two, you're not Seeing Double. Okay, no, I wouldn't have thought so, Miss Elizabeth.
00:05:39
Speaker
Connie and Bonnie. So that's from Connie's Kettle. Connie from Connie's Kettle. She's a twin.
00:05:45
Speaker
I don't think I knew that. She's a twin. Yeah, because you know what? You sometimes don't notice if there's a twin because you just think it's the same person. Yeah. But sometimes if you see them together, that's when you get the clue. That's when you get the tip off. They were definitely up to some mischief in both of these episodes. They showed up pretending to be each other, which was... I hate when twins do that. It's pretty silly since Bonnie dyed her hair red last week.
00:06:11
Speaker
As you know, Connie's hair is jet black, so it was super easy to tell them apart.
00:06:18
Speaker
But we pretended to be confused because this show is more fun that way. Oh, that sounds like a bad idea all the way around. You're indulging this behavior, Miss Elizabeth. Twins get up to mischief, and the less community-minded among them can cause serious trouble when they're swapping identities like overcoats. It was just funny watching Connie have red hair, and it wasn't really Connie,

Chaos in the Popcorn Podcast

00:06:39
Speaker
you know what I mean? Yeah. Just fun times. I guess I had to be there.
00:06:43
Speaker
Two people not having fun were Barry the Investor and Gary the Digestor. Again, no clue Gary was a twin. Gary the Digestor, of course, is Smilton Royalty food eating champion. He has a brother who chose a different path in life, Barry the Investor. Well, twins do choose different paths in life. That's kind of the whole point of the show.
00:07:09
Speaker
Are you sure about that? They bickered for the whole show because their dad won some money in the lottery. And so he's getting a bunch of face tattoos with it. And Gary, the digester, thinks it's great. But Barry, the investor, thinks it's a waste of money.
00:07:25
Speaker
Yeah, I'm inclining to agree with Barry here. Face tattoos. Twins gonna twin. Miss Elizabeth? Yeah, face tattoos. This is one of those instances where you think a show is helping matters. It assuredly is not. The twin show? Yeah, you're making the whole, you're making the rest of the twins or not. You're making the world a little bit worse for this show. And it wasn't all swearing and fighting though. Wayne and Dwayne have been on a roll.
00:07:54
Speaker
They've been hilarious lately on the show. Wayne and Dwayne. They're so funny, no one even cares that they aren't actually twins or even related in any way. The concept goes out the window. They're totally different, but they make the show better. Their names rhyme, so they're kind of twinsies that way.
00:08:14
Speaker
So that's good enough for me. This is horrible. Often when you pick these things to summarize Miss Elizabeth, you actually do peak my curiosity sometimes when some crazy things happening on one of these shows. I got to check it out. I don't think I could stomach... This one didn't do it for you? Dwayne and Dwayne thinking they're funny, pretending, like not even pretending to be twins. I feel foolish now for giving you static about being on this show. These two goofs have no business on any podcast from the sound of it, let alone a twins podcast. You don't have to be a twin. It's an inclusive show.
00:08:41
Speaker
You don't have to be a twin. But if you didn't like that show, how about what's poppin' the popcorn podcast? Oh no. That was fun. We definitely had super fun on the pop during last week's episode. Fun on the super fun on the pop. Fun on the pop. That's how we describe it. It's like we're poppin'. You know what I mean? Just add heat. That's what we say.
00:09:01
Speaker
Just add heat. Our resident grouch, which wasn't you, although you're welcome- Oh, I go for- Oh, come on. When Tony Popcorn's not available, you're welcome to take his place. How about that? I'm not going on that show. So, Tony Popcorn is our resident grouch. He's especially grumpy most of the time. Tony Popcorn. His name is Tony Popcorn, Mr. Popcorn, the Popcorn family.
00:09:20
Speaker
Yes, I've heard of him. OK, well, he went on a profanity-laced tirade about how much he hates popcorn and how he would much rather be doing a fantasy football podcast. And we told him, hey, buddy, not with a name like that, you're not. His name is popcorn. He's stuck in it. Change your name then. You made a mistake. Miss Elizabeth, that sounds like podcast gold, a guy screaming in a profanity-laced tirade about how much he hates popcorn. That sounds good to me. And you're telling him, sorry, buddy, your name's popcorn. You're trapped.
00:09:50
Speaker
Tony, change your name to Tony Fantasy Football. Maybe he should. Yeah. I mean, if you can. I love it how you've just you've put a label on this guy and he's stuck forever. We didn't put that label on him.
00:10:03
Speaker
Well, fate did. He just came into the world that way. And he's struggling under this burden, and you're just adding to the weight, and what a sick thing to do. So he kept yelling about how he was going to quit the show, and how this show is driving him nuts. And we just told him that if he just had a bowl of his freshly popped namesake, he could add some nuts to that. And then he'd see things differently, we think.
00:10:28
Speaker
Because, you know, who's... You can add all kinds of things to popcorn. Do you really think that was helping the gentleman? Or do you think it made his eye twitch and probably increased the pressure inside his skull to the breaking point? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe. Like, you don't care... You feed people through the meat grinder to get this product out the door. It's off-putting, Miss Elizabeth. Sometimes you gotta add... Tony popcorn is begging for help. You gotta add heat to get the pop.
00:10:55
Speaker
And that's all you care about he screamed for a couple of minutes after that like just scream. Yeah
00:11:03
Speaker
And, uh, he wore himself out so that he was tired and sleepy. So that he was pretty quiet for the rest of the show after that. So he, you, you burned him out. You psychologically destroyed a person. He burned himself out. Not all kernels pop, you know, some of them just kind of fizzle. You're so happy about this. And meanwhile, it is one more victim of your podcasting. His name is popcorn. It's not my fault. Corinne gave us a rundown of weird popcorn facts. Do you want to hear some? I can't believe there's such a thing.
00:11:30
Speaker
For example, did you know that most people in the Philippines are allergic to popcorn? Huh, that sounds utterly bogus. Or that scientists in Antarctica were the first people in the world to make popcorn? Yeah, again, can't be true. Well, it sounds unlikely. Can't possibly be true. Seems unlikely, but yeah, there it is. Turns out popcorn isn't just delicious, it's deeply fascinating as well. Okay, well, I'm skeptical of the claim.
00:11:59
Speaker
Margo went and bought a ton of different weird kinds of popcorn, weird flavored popcorns off of Amazon. Now, this is fascinating. I hate that. No, it isn't. It is. And we spent half of the show popping them up and giving them a try. So you have popcorn makers going during the show? We did. I bet you couldn't hear yourself think.
00:12:18
Speaker
Well, yeah, it is very cleansing of the mind when you hear that popcorn maker go. But you know what else is cleansing of the mind is whatever was on that popcorn, I swear, it was different flavors. They were laced with something. I'm more of a salt and butter girl, but some of these exotic popcorns definitely had their charm. I'm pretty sure if I had been listening to this particular episode, I would have just made a decision. I would have taken my phone out of my pocket.
00:12:46
Speaker
either hurled it into a river or went into my workshop and put the device into a vice and then tightened it up.
00:12:59
Speaker
So that half was gripped and the top half was exposed and then I probably would have gone to the hardware store to buy a heavy hammer And then I would have commenced to smashing that device to kingdom come so that I could never again hear a show such as this ever again But then you just okay, so you can just unsubscribe like you didn't have to do all of that This would not have been a time for half measures
00:13:25
Speaker
Do you think you would listen to it and it would like imprint itself on your phone and then you've just constantly always

Magic Podcast Mayhem

00:13:30
Speaker
got a phone that's imprinted? I think I would not have been responsible for my actions. I think that's what would have been the truth. Well, I think we had four popcorn poppers on the go at one point going at the same time. The loudest podcast episode ever done.
00:13:42
Speaker
And they were all laced with different types of mind-altering chemicals. Pretty noisy, but the studio smells great. And I'll tell you what, once you had a few kernels, the studio looked a bit different, too. Why are you having these weird, drugged popcorns from Amazon? It serves you right. We didn't know. Contaminated? You don't even know what you had. We didn't know until we started eating them. OK. So all those different flavors all mixing together. Popcorn continues to amaze, Jason. No, I disagree strongly. It was mind-altering.
00:14:12
Speaker
no mind altering mind opening again all you care about is this the state of your own mind and you don't care how many people you psychologically destroy i love the world better now okay well that's all it counts i think we should all live in peace well thank you miss lizabeth that was a delightful segment oh wait one more abracadab do oh
00:14:28
Speaker
I've given an update about abracadabdo in the past. I thought we did a great episode even if we were missing a magician, the Astounding Ed, who was off at a catering conference. The Astounding Ed, one of his magic acts, is just cooking really cool stuff.
00:14:44
Speaker
He's an artist in the kitchen. I told that whole story on the spiritual forebear of this show, the Smiles Dominican Music Hour. I got my life coach to help the astounding Ed up his magic game and the tragic outcome of that was that he decided he liked catering food probably more than magic and he's wasting this talent.
00:15:03
Speaker
making food, making himself happy, making other people happy. Making himself famous, making himself rich. It's a sad state of affairs. He's not sad at all. So I'm very disappointed to hear he's not shaken off this distraction. So you like abracadab do? Do I? You do. I don't know what would lead you to think that.
00:15:20
Speaker
Well, the astounding ad said that he was going to try and call in, but he wasn't able to. He doesn't care anymore. He missed the last few episodes just knowing that he's weaving magic in the catering world is enough to keep us fans happy.
00:15:35
Speaker
Yeah, you got to demand more from your magicians. He is magic though. He makes magic in the kitchen. The amazing Christine spent most of the episode on the phone with a lawyer. That's good podcasting. I'm not sure how we can turn that into magic, but her stepson caused a big chemical spill in his high school's gym. Awesome. Which you can see how that would happen.
00:15:58
Speaker
I don't actually. Why are Kemp ahead? I'm not even gonna ask. I just believe you. Unfortunately, since he's 19, he should have known better. He can be legally held responsible now. Well, maybe that sounds like this kid needs a bit of responsibility. Well, the amazing Christine is pretty stressed out. Hopefully she can work some magic. So Kevin, the impossible, and I gave her some space while she was working with the lawyer. So she's sitting there doing other things, not contributing to the show. And when you just sat there quietly and we heard half a conversation,
00:16:28
Speaker
a legal conversation, very important conversation. What a screwball show. We don't try to interfere with people's personal lives on the show. Oh no? No. We agreed that she was- Toni Popcorn begs to differ. She was pretty rude to her lawyer, but I hope that these legal issues get resolved soon so we can get back to talking about magic some more. Yeah.
00:16:47
Speaker
pretty good idea for a show called abracadab do okay kevin the impossible oh this is another story that's not about magic okay but it's about i don't even care anymore it's about a magician kevin the impossible he got catfished again
00:17:02
Speaker
Now you're laughing, see? That's funny. Yeah, so maybe you should be listening to the show. Oh, that's a shame. He didn't want to talk about it too much, but he did say that he wished that he could use magic to get his credit card number back from those punk Japanese teenagers who hoodwinked him. Oh boy. So there's no way of knowing where they are, how they're being used. I got Japan from the sound of it. Well, we know that. He got catfished again, so it keeps happening to him.
00:17:29
Speaker
Yeah, he needs to learn. He needs to learn. You associate with a number of gormless people, Miss Elizabeth. Well, I suppose, I mean, if you want to frame it that way. Well, you did it for me. You did it for me, Miss Elizabeth. We did end up talking about magic at the end of the show. Oh, that's weird. One of Smilton's nudist associations is presenting an evening of nudity and close-up magic. Oh, boy.
00:17:54
Speaker
So that's going to be fascinating. No, those concepts should not even be in the same brain at the same time. It adds a challenge because where do you hide the flowers if not up a sleeve? Yeah, there are many challenges associated with this idea. So the three of us agreed that this is going to be a really fun event to attend. No. And we decided to also go ahead and buy the astounding edit ticket, even though he doesn't know the event is happening yet.
00:18:20
Speaker
Maybe he'll find out on this show. Maybe. Who knows, we may learn a few new tricks from these naked magicos. Miss Elizabeth, I don't know why you aren't running away from the microphone screaming. It's such an off-putting concept. I think it's going to be fascinating. Naked close-up magic. Yeah.
00:18:38
Speaker
That's a level of challenge. Yeah, that's not the problem. That's not my challenge. I don't care about the magician having to hustle more to execute these tricks. I think these concepts coming together, they're like they should be at the opposite ends of the earth. They shouldn't even come within any kind of proximity to each other. You think a magician needs a cape at least?
00:19:03
Speaker
I know I said I my brain is spinning and I think we need to turn to some music okay I gotta sort my head out miss Elizabeth because you've done a number on me with this segment all right let's return to earth I'm gonna reach over okay we're gonna tune in a song on the mild and radio oh let's just rock miss Elizabeth dirt bike let's go
00:19:43
Speaker
Listen to my dirt bike Hear the music dirt bike Looking good on dirt bike Hop a wheelie dirt bike When I need to get around Or just cruising through the town Dirt bike I'm gonna use my dirt bike Dirt bike I'm gonna use my dirt bike
00:20:27
Speaker
You gotta love my dirt bike, dirt bike You gotta love my dirt bike
00:21:11
Speaker
Bored upon my dirt bike, drilling on my dirt bike, married on my dirt bike, buried with my dirt bike. If you want to know the way down the road till Thursday, on two wheels you're in a group, guess it up, it's time to move. Dirt bike!
00:21:47
Speaker
Start Bike by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. Yeah, that's a palate cleanser for sure. That's more like it, Miss Elizabeth. That song and many others are available on all digital streaming platforms, dear listener friends. So check it out. Not right now. Yeah, we tell you about these things and you go scuttling off like a hermit crab. You got to stay put, stay seated on your Chesterfield with your hands folded in your lap, listening in 10 links. That's the only way I accept that people can listen to this show.
00:22:16
Speaker
If you're listening on Spotify to Hello Smiles in the podcast, then when you're done listening to the show, you could turn over to the smile syndicate for the music. I guess you could. They're both on Spotify. Whatever platform you're on, just figure it out. I'm not going to tell you what to do. One's a podcast and one is just all of the music.
00:22:34
Speaker
Yes, Miss Elizabeth, if we have to explain that much to Dear Listener Friend, I think we gotta break it down

Community Street Hockey and Bizarre Injuries

00:22:41
Speaker
more than that. People need help. Yeah, myself included. Let's turn to something more life-affirming. Okay. You gotta know where the money's going, Dear Listener Friend, especially if you're betting on the Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey League.
00:22:55
Speaker
We have some insider info. We're connected into the network of these teams and people being on the squad, people being off the squad can shift the odds of the outcome of the match radically. Are you a gambling man?
00:23:12
Speaker
No, Ms. Elizabeth, I'm a fact-gatherer. Okay. So I'm gonna present the facts as I found them. And then other people can profit off of it. And yeah, if you do with this, do with what you will with these facts. Okay. You're a listener, friend. So this is the Smile to Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report. Let's get to it. First up, Ozzy Mendoza. He's a center man for the garbage people. He got his ear partially torn off during a fight at work. Ouch.
00:23:38
Speaker
So he's got some time on his hands because him and the other web developer, they're both suspended. He's not in the mood to play because he's worried about work. So once that work situation gets resolved, you'll probably be back in the lineup. So the garbage people are going to be feeling it without Aussie in the lineup. OK. But again, real life intrudes on community street hockey, and that's a shame. Yeah, that sounds like an owie for sure.
00:24:03
Speaker
Well, you're getting part of your ear torn off in a fight at work. Doesn't happen every day. Oh, that didn't happen on the street? No, it was him and another web developer got into it at work. Oh, it was a work fight. Yeah, it was a work brawl. Earlobes got torn off, or at least partially, and now the league suffers.
00:24:21
Speaker
Okay, it's a shame. We got to move on here. You need to have a referee in the actual office. He's got to wear a helmet at all times. You got to protect those ears. Crystal Davenport, she plays defense for the Hot Mom Cougar squad. Yay Miss Elizabeth. She is not doing well right now. Her whole arm got infected.
00:24:37
Speaker
How? Well, she got a ton of tattoos all at once and they all got infected. Oh, too fast. Plus she kind of separated her shoulder falling off a bar she was dancing on during an out of control ladies night. Okay. So yeah, she's out for six weeks at least. You gotta take care of that arm, Crystal. Yeah, you're not helping anybody be in such a state. Troy Bono, sentiment for the men in tutus.
00:24:59
Speaker
Well, I don't know what a safe fell on him. Again, Ms. Elizabeth, I don't know how this keeps happening. How does a safe even get high up? Just everybody keep your eyes open. There's too many safes being suspended in midair. Yeah, if it's happening to you multiple times, you might be asking for it by holding your arms up and asking for somebody to drop it down from a height because you think you can catch it.
00:25:18
Speaker
Well, I don't know. I don't know the story here. I just know that he broke his hip and I just know that I think good. Yeah. I don't like this guy. Troy Bono. He thinks he's all that. I hate the men in tutus. They're what's wrong with this league. Miss Elizabeth. It's not funny. Men wearing tutus is not funny. It is funny. It isn't funny Miss Elizabeth. It's horrible hacky garbage and a safe falling on one of the main culprits is the least this guy deserves. So I hope you're out forever Troy Bono. Depends on the tutu.
00:25:46
Speaker
Strumming Philip Drummond right wing for the flat jack freakazoids. Uh-huh. I don't know if Miss Elizabeth This is a sad story. He refuses to leave his panic room. Okay, won't answer his cell phone. He's listed his day-to-day. No one knows what's going on there He's having a panic. He's having a he's having an episode. He's not answering the phone
00:26:03
Speaker
No one can get in there, obviously. It's a panic room, and he's not answering the phone. You know what? I bet he's just having Doritos and watching some shows. I hope so, Miss Elizabeth. He's just taking a downtime. He's having mental health week. You don't replace a guy like Strum and Philip Drummond any time soon in the flight. He's a key piece of that flat jack freakazoid puzzle. So I really hope he gets his act together. Get out of that panic room. Get back on the road where you belong. That clench is high stress. He's got a lot of stress on him. He's just taking a break. Whatever it is, I hope he gets his head straight.
00:26:33
Speaker
Bernice Bray, she's the goaltender for the Scuttled Moonshots. Her bee of a sister-in-law had too much to drink at Calliope's christening. Don't call her a bee. Well, Miss Elizabeth, let me tell a story here. This is how I heard it. Okay. Bee of a sister-in-law, too much to drink.
00:26:48
Speaker
a calliope christening which is supposed to be a special occasion and then she was very insulting to her great aunt so Bernice bided her time and confronted her at her sister-in-law's work at the rec center next thing you know Bernice has thrown her sister-in-law's computer chair supervisor and the sister-in-law herself right into the pool wow so she's currently in custody and may be charged with assault depending on how much of a B that B of a sister-in-law acts like
00:27:13
Speaker
Okay, all right family trouble spilling over onto the street miss Elizabeth that Bernice Bray is a wall in net the scuttled moonshots rely on her a lot to keep that tennis ball out of the net she's got her own family troubles miss Elizabeth and she has a bit of a temper she's throwing people and furniture into a pool and computers
00:27:30
Speaker
Yeah, that's too bad because it sounds like she is a force to be reckoned with on the street as well. Well, she absolutely isn't. This isn't so much an injury as an availability report. Maybe that's what we should be calling this segment because some injuries here and some just weird behavior going on.

Quirky Town Council Decisions

00:27:44
Speaker
But all it adds up to is the odds shifting. So make sure you're up to date your listener friend when you start laying the big money down on these games. Yeah, you never know what's going to happen. Well, wait to find out what happens.
00:27:55
Speaker
Me neither, Miss Elizabeth. Interesting. Well, finding out what happens, it's a good idea to know what the devil's going on around you in your town, in your country, on this planet of ours. Unfortunately, our sources of news are garbage. And it's up to citizen news reporters such as yourself to hit the streets, be the news town, and give us the goods. Smilton has been craving the news. They're desperate for it, and they're going to get it good and hard right now with Smilton News, with Miss Elizabeth.
00:28:27
Speaker
Good evening, Smileton. Let's talk about some news. The holiday season is just around the corner and Smileton Town Council isn't about to be caught flat-footed. Oh, not again, anyway. During last week's council meeting, approval was given to the procurement of a custom fitted elf hat for every single Smileton resident, including you, Jason. A custom hat!
00:28:49
Speaker
You can have one too. All Smilton residents are required to come to Harvester Square today and tomorrow for head measuring. What? Get there early. Required? That's right. So this isn't optional. This is not optional. I gotta go get my head measured. We need to know your measurements, Jason. Because for an elf hat I didn't ask for. Get there early because it's going to be an estimated six to eight hour wait to get your head measured. Oh, that's good. Merry Christmas.
00:29:17
Speaker
A little elf hat made just for you is totally worth it. No, I don't think so. During the same session, Council approved a proposal to spend $78 million converting the Smilton UFO landing pad into a landing pad for Santa and his reindeer. Ho, ho, ho, boy.
00:29:39
Speaker
I'm gobsmacked. Christmas is going to be something else this year. You didn't report how much these custom elf hats are going to cost, but I don't even want to know. I'm sure it's in the millions. I didn't have that number, but I will say to the UFO landing pad situation, that's not to say that we are not still welcoming all comers in the sense of any UFOs that still want to land. Keeping in mind, they probably don't celebrate Christmas. Okay. So they will have to... Well, yeah.
00:30:04
Speaker
You gotta be practical in these things, Miss Elizabeth. You gotta be realistic when you're inviting alien spaceships to land on your insanely expensive UFO landing pad. Yeah, they'll just have to kind of figure out, piece together where they fit inside all of those lights. There'll be lighting and it'll be festive and you just don't want to crash into all the strings of lights.

Comic Book Convention and Arm Wrestling

00:30:22
Speaker
This town is so determined to spend itself into utter bankruptcy and yet the money never runs out. I don't know where it comes from. It never runs out.
00:30:29
Speaker
This is baffling. Another story, the Smilton Comic Book Convention is happening this weekend at the newly opened Smilton Comic Book Convention Center. There's a... what? There's a dedicated building for comic book conventions? Yeah, it's that nice big new building. Speaking of wasted money. Smilton's own Ottmar Grelch, the genius behind Alien Lizard Women in Bikinis, will be there signing copies of his new graphic novel.
00:30:56
Speaker
Boy, you throw words around loosely. Which words? Well, all of them. Genius? That's a... Well, he is a genius. He does graphic novels, Miss Elizabeth. He draws little cartoons.
00:31:08
Speaker
Well don't call them little cartoons like that. He should be publicly shamed for the act. No. He's not a genius. An alien lizard woman in bikinis? Who? Really? I think you would love- Who in their right mind? I wouldn't- You would love it. Miss Elizabeth? No. I don't- I- I- I- Reptiles do nothing for me as a mammal. Women. Reptiles don't move the needle. You're gonna love that. You're gonna- You know what? Just give it a try.
00:31:29
Speaker
No try. One taste and you will be sold. Come on down dressed as your favorite comic book character and receive 10% off all concessions. Yeah, just throw your dignity away. That's worth a little bit less off a hot dog. Well, you know, there might be some alien lizard women in bikinis there. Yeah. That'd be fine. If I'm lucky.
00:31:48
Speaker
This reporter has had plenty to be excited about as fall festival after fall festival has been happening here in town. But this one is going to take the cake. I've been super excited about this one. Gone are the days when comic book fans hid in the darkness, ashamed of their hobby. That's what we need to get. Exactly. That's what we need to get back to.
00:32:07
Speaker
No way. Shame and darkness. No, we've been out in the sunshine for a long time now here in Smileton. And I'm so excited that there are now dedicated buildings dedicated to us sharing our hobby with each other. I'm going to be honest, Jason, this is a feel good story for me and for the whole town. No, that's utterly wrong. It's so exciting. It's a very vexing story. OK, fine. Here's a segment you're going to enjoy turning now to the world of sports. OK.
00:32:38
Speaker
with the Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey League on their annual all-star break. So no updates there. Let's run down the results from the Smilton Arms of Steel Arm Wrestling Federation.
00:32:53
Speaker
Gus Brennan defeated Homer Willoughby in a tough match that lasted nearly four minutes. Wow. Brennan tried to intimidate his opponent by slapping him in the face during the contest, but it was an ill-timed sneezing fit on the part of Willoughby that broke the stalemate. Oh, that's unfortunate.
00:33:11
Speaker
Slapping and sneezing, it was exciting. Yeah, you get everything at that arm wrestling place. A very, very big four minutes. Stacey, international pop star from Smileson's own Tracie's place. Yeah, the bully, college train wrestler bully, thinks she's a big pop star. She bothers my friends. You call her a bully, but really she's just strong and she stands up for herself.
00:33:34
Speaker
So she had her first arm wrestling match ever and handily defeated Hercules La Jolla in 11 seconds. Oh boy. Instantaneous win. I don't follow arm wrestling that closely, but I've heard of Hercules La Jolla and you're telling me that Stacy dispatched him in 11 seconds? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You should have been there to see it, but you had to be there. I would have been so preoccupied, booing her that I wouldn't have noticed the outcome of the match. I wonder if you can see the replay. Maybe you can see the replay.
00:34:00
Speaker
Mitchell be fine and Oscar L. Flaherty began their match last Thursday and as of right now are still locked in Mortal Kombat. It's been days. It's been days. There's no telling how long this clash of the Titans will last, Jason. Well, I'm gonna go down there and check this out. That sounds great. Yeah. You gotta think they're gonna be getting tired. At some point the human brain has gotta switch off for some siesta, does it not? You're so right, Jason. Psychology comes into play big time.
00:34:28
Speaker
They're risking some health consequences here by staying up so long. That's right. The long-awaited grudge match between Gary the Digester and Winston the Food King failed to live up to expectations with Gary the Digester, dispatching the young upstart in just three seconds. Well, yeah, I can't say I'm surprised.
00:34:48
Speaker
Fog horn. That was sad. What do you mean sad? Winston the food king shot his mouth off. He's not even as good. He's not as good a food eater as Gary the digester and trying to throw him a curve ball by challenging him to arm wrestling. Gary the digester is a champion and champions know how to champion regardless of the forum. Yeah. So I'm not surprised at all at this. I'm surprised it took him three seconds. It's almost as though in three seconds like he didn't even know that anything was happening. Like it was like
00:35:17
Speaker
Yeah, it was over before it started,

Mayor Patty Pepper's Winter Plan

00:35:19
Speaker
practically. Winston the food king, you got to learn some humility. This hubris will be the death of you. Yeah. And finally, Smilton Mayor Patty Pepper has outlined exciting plans for Smilton commuters to up the fun factor through the upcoming winter. Can I just stop you right there? Because whatever this is, it sounds like a horrendous idea. We don't have snow quite yet. We've got to survive the winter, not up the fun factor. We do need to survive with fun.
00:35:45
Speaker
Chief among these is the ambitious project to flood Smilton's streets, turning them into an icy network of joy. Sorry ambulances, can't pass on the streets anymore. You're gonna be crashing into every fire hydrant we got, because it's all ice now. Ambulances can be retrofitted, so don't worry about that.
00:36:04
Speaker
fitness-minded residents will be skating to work, to the library and to the grocery store. And freezing to death on the way, that sounds good. Local hospitals are more than ready to deal with, and I mean they're fully prepared to deal with, the massive influx of broken limbs and cracked skulls that are sure to follow the creation of this winter wonderland. Yeah, you need an omelet, you gotta crack a few skulls. Well, you know, people should be wearing helmets, but not everybody does. No.
00:36:29
Speaker
No, this is just like, again, surely the town would be liable for creating this massive, dangerous situation. Everybody signed that paper, everybody signed that form, so there's no liability nearby. Well, they're getting their heads measured. Pepper denied the motivation for this effort was to one up the nearby town of Pickle Hills. Oh, really? Yeah, because as you remember, so she told this reporter... I think she just told us exactly what's behind this.
00:36:55
Speaker
Of course not. Pickle Hills flooding their streets last year had no influence on our decisions, says Patti Pepper. Sure, they had tons of fun and acting Mayor Jackie Jackson won the mayoral brainwave of the year award from rural mayors of Canada magazine after I'd won it for seven years in a row. But I don't make my decisions based on personal considerations. Of course not.
00:37:19
Speaker
Turning the streets into undrivable ice sheets is what this town needs right now. No further questions, and then she walked out. Yeah. Yeah, so how dumb does she think we are, Ms. Elizabeth? She told us chapter and verse what's motivating this.
00:37:35
Speaker
We're gonna need to be the ones picking up the pieces. Are you looking forward to having to skate everywhere? This reporter has her skates sharpened up and is ready to put vanilla ice's hit ice ice baby on repeat for the duration of winter. Yeah, make things even worse.
00:37:52
Speaker
It's going to be great. Horrible. So that's it for this edition of the Smile 2 News. I'm Miss Elizabeth. Good night out of sight.

Summer Song and Show Wrap-Up

00:37:59
Speaker
Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. My pleasure. I recommended the use of a helmet to protect yourself earlier in the show. And I'm going to I'm going to take that advice myself because between the falling safes and the icy streets, it's going to be a danger zone out there this winter.
00:38:11
Speaker
Life is a full contact sport, Jason. Especially here in Smilton. I'm getting no help here. This is craziness, Miss Elizabeth. Have I escaped this winter with a serious injury? I'll thank my lucky stars. As will we all. We gotta listen to some music. I gotta distract myself from the fear inside, Miss Elizabeth. Maybe something summery. Granny's gone a skinny dippin'. Sounds good.
00:38:59
Speaker
Cussing's all they're doing Angry faces looking mean People yelling mad's obscene What needs the people to see?
00:39:17
Speaker
What makes the people so upset Granny's gone to skinny dippin' Drops her drawers and in she skippin'
00:39:43
Speaker
The town is fussing, all of feuding Yelling, cussing's all they're doing Angry faces looking mean People yelling, that's obscene What makes the people lose their crew? What makes the people play the fool?
00:40:08
Speaker
She is good with everything.
00:40:47
Speaker
Smiling faces such a sight People shouting, Granny's right What made the people stop the fight? What made the people see the light? What made the people sing and dance? What made the people draw off their pants? Granny's gone, a skinny tippin' Draw to draw them in
00:41:49
Speaker
Granny's gone to Skinnygippin by the smile syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. Yeah. Fun times, Miss Elizabeth. It's a good reminder. Summer is always coming back. It's never that far away that Granny's taken advantage of her situation and so should you. Dear listener friend, I trust this show you've just listened to has given you the spiritual fuel to attack this week with gusto to find joy where you can and take on that day well with the fury of a hopped up bull rider. Yeah, or just have fun. Just have fun.
00:42:18
Speaker
Yeah, whatever you want to do. Miss Elizabeth, it's been fun doing another all new show with you. We're going to be back next week doing the very same thing. Probably different material, probably different kinds of fun. But I think we're going to be leaving the show smiles on our faces. Just like you, dear listener friend. Look at yourself in the mirror. Look how much happier you are now. And share the show with others if you want them to smile the same way. Yeah. Don't keep the show to yourself. Share it with as many people as you can. Well, Miss Elizabeth, this one's done. It's been fun.
00:42:46
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smilton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smilton, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next weekend. As always, remember friend, the sun is the jukebox.