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This Is Not The Crypto-Zoology Hour
20 Plays1 month ago
You're sitting on top of that giant cork that you stuffed into the volcano of entertainment and that thing is about to blow and send you sky-high, propelled by the intense enjoyment delivered by this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.a
Jason and Miss Elizabeth host a most bizarre bazaar in a brand new SMALL TOWN, BIG MARKETPLACE wherein the good people of Smileton buy, sell or trade their off-kilter goods and services and we can do nothing but listen, amazed.
The new 2024-25 season of the Smileton Community Theatre is previewed and our plucky co-hosts make their picks. What should you see? Probably something on TV instead, but listen anyway and see if anything tickles your fancy.
Even though the best before date on this episode is, like, a century from now, you'd better listen right away. Your delightedment depends on it.
HELLO, SMILETON. Listening Is Just The Beginning.
Show Timestamps:
1:46 Small Town, Big Marketplace
18:00 Paid Advertisement – Smileton Plumbing Services
24:14 SONG – 10 Fingers, 9 Toes
27:03 Smileton Community Theatre 2024/25 Season Preview
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Show Promise
00:00:04
Speaker
Hello, Smileton! Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting Capital of the World. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason! Well, good, Miss Elizabeth. So am I. Thanks so much for that charming introduction. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. You're gonna have fun. It's guaranteed.
00:00:26
Speaker
There's, Ms. Elizabeth, we dance around the point frequently when we start this show. It's about fun, Jason. Yeah. it's we we We have all these other things we're going to educate. We're going to edutane. We're going to entertain. yeah We will delight. We provide resources. Yeah.
00:00:42
Speaker
I said, what am I saying? like we We always promise the world when we start this show. And we deliver. yeah so what yeah if Never mind, dear listener. Friend, me you can have any expectation you want about this show, but it'll
Studio Audience and Weather Dilemmas
00:00:54
Speaker
deliver. I'm not even worried about it at all. Fun times outside Smile Syndicate HQ today, Miss Elizabeth. You might notice the studio audience, the ne'er-do-wells who gather to watch our show, even though they don't apparently like it very much.
00:01:09
Speaker
they They seem to be a little bit better behaved today, don't you think? They love our show. Why are they more more better behaved? Well, you know, it's a little bit chilly today in Smoughton. I might be a little freezing outside. That's true. That's true. A little bit foggy today. People lined up to come into the show. Yeah. And I kind of took out the old fire hose. OK. And just kind of warned them, you know, it's probably not a good day to get soaking wet. If any of you step out of line, you're going to get blasted. You'll be thrown about like a rag doll.
00:01:37
Speaker
Yeah, I think I'm joking. They're all here for fun. They're here for fun. Okay, well just try me. I got so much for that. All right. I should have just left it alone. Miss Elizabeth, we have a lot of fun stuff to get to, so I suggest we don't delay. Let's just
Market Economy Excitement
00:01:51
Speaker
get into it now. And who thought, who would have thought that commerce could be so fun? Yeah, commerce, of course commerce is great.
00:01:59
Speaker
i well oh It's great, but it's also fun and we love to participate in the workings of the market economy. It's fun. It's capitalistic fun. That's right. yeah So we open up our show to be a form for trading. That's right.
00:02:14
Speaker
Small town, big marketplace. Ms. Elizabeth, people or people have been submitting their things for to buy, sell, or trade. what What have we got this week?
Family Conflict Over Ouija Board
00:02:23
Speaker
Okay, well this week I've got, this Ouija board is tearing my family apart. oh It told my son to drain the swimming pool and it told my daughter to fill it up and they ended up both screaming at each other as each wanted to obey the Ouija commands. Hey, we're in a bind.
00:02:42
Speaker
Yeah, well, it's hard to empty a swimming pool. Have you ever tried to empty a swimming pool, drain a swimming pool? You sound like Sisyphean tasks to me. Takes effort and then filling it up again also takes effort. But I can sort of see maybe some sense to it if you're actually getting some fresh water into the pool. Anyway, maybe there's some sense in that. I don't think that was the point. It told my husband to keep buying dinner buns.
00:03:07
Speaker
That's not a bad command. It told me to never have buns in the house. That's also not a bad idea if you're, for example, on a diet that doesn't have buns on the diet. I love it. You're trying to see the bright side of humans being toyed with. These are sick games. These are sick games being played by some twisted spirit and I've had enough. I know throwing this away, this Ouija board away won't work because it'll just come back in some ironic way.
00:03:35
Speaker
so I'm selling it for cheap maybe you know some way to avoid its curse Jason I think I can crack this oh but I'm out of ideas and patience five bucks yeah five bucks is all they want yeah connect to the beyond yes please and maybe out with them challenge accepted or it, or whatever, from Shakira, 780-555-1530. Your response to a woman at the end of her tether, she's dealing with supernatural forces here, apparently. I feel like it's a misunderstanding. No, this thing is getting him to do contradictory things. We'll find out. No point, never ending. We'll see. And you say, yeah, sign me up for that. I'll take this Ouija board. I'll change it. I'll change the Ouija board. I'll fix what's wrong with it. This sounds already like what might be happening in our studio, because you are a never-ending buying buns, and I can't eat buns. So, to me that just rings true. You are not reading this properly, Ms. Elizabeth, and I don't have the energy to correct your error. Maybe it's a one-woman or one-man or one-person Ouija board. If two people get commands, it gives them both the same commandment. Contradictory for its own amusement. Maybe it's just because those people are contradictory to each other inherently. It's trying to teach a lesson. Have you ever thought of that? Is that what you're telling me? It's teaching a lesson about maybe these two people can't be living together without some extra thought. If you decide to buy this, then keep it away from Small Syndicate HQ. Leave it at your place. I mean, I've got my phone out. I've kind of already e-transferred the money. Oh, come on. That's not the point of this. So the Ouija board is on its way. Oh, brother. Well, let's get on to the next submission in small town, big marketplace.
Ass-Kicking Boots and Relationship Issues
00:05:18
Speaker
One pair of homemade ass kicking boots.
00:05:21
Speaker
but Basically normal rubber boots, but with ass-kicking boots written on them with paint pens. Oh, smart. Many an ass was kicked with ease and many a mud hole stomped. kind of move to Gotta to move a new home because my girlfriend says I look ridiculous wearing them. Okay. Sound like a... That's funny, because I thought this i thought these ass-kicking boots belonged to a woman.
00:05:43
Speaker
does it mean Does a man need to wear boots and put ass-kicking boots on the boots? That's funny. That's already funny. I'm sorry. that He's not meaning to be funny. He's meaning to be bad-ass. Are they also, like, sparkly with rhinestones on them? Because that's what I envisioned. I'm just... I'm not trying to... Mockery. Well, you and you and this girlfriend would seem to get along, I think. Okay.
00:06:07
Speaker
Gotta move into a new home because my new girlfriend says I look ridiculous wearing them. Sounds like a pain in the ass. She definitely is. Oh my goodness. But it's her name on the lease and I'm kinda low on couches to crash on because I love pranking people and people take themselves too seriously so I gotta stick with her until someone with more sense comes along. Alright, that's right mister. Behave yourself so you don't get booted out in the buttocks.
00:06:32
Speaker
I can probably get your own buttocks. at elizabeth I hate it when you take sides. and Well, I ah had the wrong the wrong image in my head. These ass kicking boots to me were feminine.
00:06:44
Speaker
They aren't, Miss Elizabeth. They're for this guy. Why are they on the end of the leg of a man? Cuz he's got asses to kick and mud holes to stomp, that's why. I just don't, in my mind, think a man needs to write that on his shoes. And he'll tell you what, I can probably kick lots of ass without them anyways. Okay, well... Adriano, a.k.a. Dr. Kick Ass, MD 780-555-6665.
Birdhouse Trouble with Giant Birds
00:07:09
Speaker
This guy's a doctor? and you Of kicking ass. Can't believe... Oh, okay.
00:07:15
Speaker
These selling rubber boots with with with word scrawled on them. Yeah, that's weird. It's not weird It's a noble thing to do. Okay. Have you already bought them? So now we're getting oh, yeah yeah, maybe I should get in touch Okay for sale one shed made by me. I love bird houses. This seems like a non sequitur Jason So I decided to make the shed look like a giant birdhouse called... That's how that makes sense. Unfortunately, a bunch of huge birds started living in it. Uh-oh. Wait a minute. Build a giant birdhouse, attract giant birds. That's right. That's as easy as it was to attract giant birds? That's right.
00:07:58
Speaker
That's that's ah because giant birds are the missing link between like current birds and dinosaurs. was but This is not like a cryptozoology hour. Okay. Unfortunately, a bunch of huge birds started living in it and attacked me whenever I tried to mow the lawn, naturally, because you were in their house.
00:08:20
Speaker
They've flown south or to another town to bother somebody else. I don't know, doesn't matter. I know they'll be back, so this thing is yours if you just come and pick it up from Kenneth, 780-555-9209. This is...
00:08:35
Speaker
I don't know how anyone can resist this. For sure, Smiles in Zoo needs this birdhouse to attract these giant birds. We can have, we can house big bird. This one. Big bird. Big bird. Big bird and family. These are probably huge carnivorous beasts. Imagine the size. Giant wingspans. And huge eggs. Right. Don't you want to see the big eggs? And what pops out of those eggs? More problems. Giant birds. Right. So I don't know what. Maybe we could ride them.
00:09:05
Speaker
I'm just saying, maybe they can talk. This isn't how to train your dragon or whatever you're thinking in that fever brain yours, Miss Elizabeth. I don't have a fever. This is a bad idea. This is very pragmatic. I think you maybe could ride a bird. I like how you see the bright side of everything. This is a tragedy. This person, Kenneth, he loves birdhouses and he figures he would tell the world about this love by building a giant birdhouse. It was never meant to attract giant birds. But, okay, but weird to love birdhouses and not to love birds. Little birds. That's weird. Ones that don't take you out when you're trying to mow the grass. All right. You wouldn't appreciate it, Miss Lewis. I don't know. I don't know what you picture happening when you move this thing into your backyard. Okay. When you, obviously, when you realize- Hunkering down forever is probably what's going to happen to you. When you realize that it is a bird's house, then you can no longer use it as a shed. Problem solved. Get another shed. It's a shed,
Regrettable Sales and Repurchasing Dilemma
00:10:05
Speaker
though. It just looks like a birdhouse. But now it's an actual bird's house. Yeah, hence the... Now you've come around to the problem. So now you need a new shed. You need a new shed for your shed stuff. So get rid of the old one and take it out of here. Conflict resolved. Everybody's got a house and a shed. Now we're solved. Right? Good work, I think.
00:10:32
Speaker
Hey, Dirtbike Kid here. Change of heart. I offloaded a bunch of my pre-mode dirt bike stuff and now I want it back. Thought I'd be moving away from dirt biking, but nope. So call me. You know who you are. I'll give you the money back. You give me the pre-mode dirt bike stuff back and everything can go back to how it was. Wait a minute.
00:10:53
Speaker
He sold off. He thought he was getting out of dirt biking. But now he wants the dirt bike back. He wants this dirt bike stuff back. Oh, not his dirt bike? Oh, the accoutrement. Okay. Posters, good chairs. You can't have this dirt bike. Decorations. You sold it. Gloves. what Yes, he's he's willing to give the money back.
00:11:13
Speaker
Not much dirt bike stuff around Casa dirt bike kid these days. And that's because I was stupid. And I've changed my mind. Do the right thing. You know who you are. Dirt bike kids. 7 8 0 5 5 5 9 5 9 5. Help the dirt bike kid out. Don't hoard that dirt bike stuff. If you own any of this, you know who you are. You can't shame people for buying things on the marketplace. That's it. It's purchased. It's done.
00:11:36
Speaker
Are you gonna tell me ah the creeps and weirdos who bought this dirt bike stuff, the the predatory jackals and buzzards who feasted on this guy's mistake, who exploited him, sitting there laughing all the way to the bank? You think they care about dirt biking as much as a guy who calls himself a dirt bike kid? Oh my goodness. oh Okay, I'm just gonna move along. ah that I'll take that as a...
00:12:03
Speaker
No, or I don't know what the question I asked was, Miss Elizabeth, but i'm I'm assuming you have no good answer. That's right. We're both moving along. Okay.
Glass Harmonica Mishap
00:12:11
Speaker
Glass harmonica for sale. Bought it online sight unseen. Always a bad idea, Jason. And it turned out to be not what I thought. Actually pretty predictable if you buy something sight unseen.
00:12:24
Speaker
Just a bunch of glasses. Backseat driving Monday morning quarterback. Different sizes, nothing that looked like a harmonica in any sense. Apparently, I'm the crazy one and this actually is a glass harmonica. You fill the glasses up with water and rub the rims and it makes a sound. I know. Dumb. That's not dumb. So I got about 24 glasses. Guess what instrument Miss Elizabeth plays?
00:12:49
Speaker
I don't need so, uh, so how about you buy them for $24 and you put them in your downstairs bar or whatever. I feel like I'm living in a nut house says Jeremy seven eight oh five five five fifty thirty five. That's what this, meant this was what small town big marketplaces for is to help people get out of a bind, a sticky situation that they found themselves in. I can picture you getting excited. Maybe you, maybe you've tied a couple on there. You go on eBay and you and you're looking around and you see glass harmonica and you picture entertaining people around the campfire with this glittering, glorious instrument. And then you get this big box and it's full of like crystal wear. It's not a harmonica at all. And you were like, what in the flying f... is with did did this i Did I get built? Did some bunko artist um play me for a fool? Well... Apparently.
00:13:39
Speaker
I don't think so, I think you just need to look at the pictures before you buy. Miss Elizabeth, I'm not going to gain say enthusiasm ever. And check it, like open the box when before you you know hand the money over. I don't know what you're talking about. That's another good idea. oh but How? It's over eBay, Miss Elizabeth. You probably just saw the word Glassharmonica, click buy it now, and now the tale tells itself. Well, I think you can definitely, because this is local marketplace, this is not just eBay.
00:14:07
Speaker
okay This is local marketplace. Yes, I did right. He's selling it here. Yeah, but aware from where he got it online, right? All right. Yeah, I've seen well, okay. I'm assuming you might be one of those shadier your mistake learned from it. Don't make assumptions your Elizabeth
00:14:27
Speaker
I'm going to humbly suggest you go back and listen to this segment and you will be gobsmacked that you said such a thing after making an assumption upon assumption okay that led up to you now turning around and out the side of your other but off the other side of your mouth saying that. noticed you're wearing a shirt full of constellations and I'm digging it. I love it. It's awesome. Don't distract Miss Elizabeth.
00:14:54
Speaker
Once again. I feel like I'm stargazing, just looking at your chest. If I stop talking every time somebody complimented my wardrobe, I'd be mute.
Humorous Cigarette Marketplace
00:15:06
Speaker
Cigarettes. Want some? I work at Smilton Elementary, and we confiscate dozens of packs of smokes every day. I was told to dispose of them, so I will. Right into your lungs, with a little green coming back my way. Six bucks a pack. Shut up, foghorn.
00:15:36
Speaker
If there's one thing that stupid foghorn hates, it's free enterprise. This is the worst thing to sell on a local marketplace.
00:15:48
Speaker
Bootleg cigarettes? Yes. You will not... From children. Six bucks a pack, no questions asked. You will not find a better deal for on-brand cigarettes, not in this town, not in any other. Mick, 780-555-1604. Same on you, Mick. Even if you don't smoke, this is pretty irresistible. No. That's the deal on offer here. Six bucks a pack? um What are you even talking about? Well, I've had it with these people taking cigarettes from children.
00:16:16
Speaker
And... That's right. Teacher, leave them kids alone. No, and then... Oh, it's just the whole thing is so unsavoury. It's unsavoury. The whole thing's unsavoury. This was with the sausage has got to get made somehow. And sometimes things happen in society that you don't really like that much, but like when you think about it, it's not that bad. Usually the sausage should be good though, at least at the end of it. This is just terrible sausage all the way around. What would you propose Mick do with all these cigarettes? Throw them away?
00:16:44
Speaker
Why? They're not yours. They're basically money. Miss Elizabeth's cigarettes are a currency in some places. Yuck. So he's trying to pass the savings on to you. Prison. Prison. Yeah? That's where.
00:16:56
Speaker
Well, we're not living in prison. Don't turn your nose up, Ms. Elizabeth. We're trying to live in a society here. Right. And this guy's just trying to hustle and get along. He works at the school. He probably doesn't get paid that much. Stop hustling with cigarettes. It's unsapory. I'll take some. Mick, I'll give you a call. You have asthma. I think I have a way to turn this.
00:17:15
Speaker
Yeah, I'm not going to smoke em them. are you going to do with them? I'm buying them for six. I'll sell them for eight. Laugh to the bank. That's what I'm going to do. You're not selling cigarettes. and yeah Yeah, that's right. I'm not doing anything of the sort, Miss Elizabeth. Put the kibosh on that. No, I won't do any such thing. That's big town, small town, big marketplace. Yeah, that's it. the Dear listener friend, we pass the savings on to you. Call some of those numbers. Take advantage of some of these deals. We won't regret it. No guarantees, obviously. We are not responsible. The birdhouse, fantastic. Yeah. Fantastic. The harmonica, interesting, but also lesson learned. The cigarettes, terrible. And dirt bike stuff, return it. Dirt bike stuff, I don't know. Yeah, jackals. Weird.
00:18:00
Speaker
Well, we're going to keep this theme right on rolling, right here, right now. where We got paid to deliver a service, and that is to rated advertisement out on this show. Oh, we have a paid ad? Paid ad for a Smilton small business.
Plumbing Services and Client Relations
00:18:14
Speaker
And as always, i am I'm telling you, the easiest way to get your word out on this show is to go to the Smilton Public Library, downtown, third floor, bathroom, behind the toilet, stick an envelope, 50 bucks.
00:18:28
Speaker
We'll pick it up. We'll read the scrawled ramblings that you leave with that half a C note. Yeah. And we'll read it right on the show. And that's exactly how this business is going to get its word out to you right now. I thought the price went up, but OK, we'll leave it at 75. You made it 75. People were squawking at me and giving the stink eyes. So i I tell them on the slides 50 bucks. Okay, well, I won't do it for 50, so this is yours. Well, I am doing it. Today's episode of Hello Smilton is brought to you by Smilton Plumbing Services. When you're looking for a job done right, why not call us? You could and probably have done dumber things, so take a shot, hotshot. When a plumbing emergency strikes, you don't have time to find a skilled plumber with a good reputation. You need results. Stat. That probably is- Wait, are they advertising having a poor reputation?
00:19:15
Speaker
They're saying they're results oriented. They're not worried about having the fanciest fan or the the best rating online. You need results and you need them fast and that's what these guys have. But that'll give you a good reputation. Results. Results. Okay. Stat.
00:19:31
Speaker
That problem is frickin' gross and it's getting stinkier by the second, so move it, dummy. Call the plumber with a van that has tools in it and overalls and the works, and that sure sounds like us, so put two and two together and call us. It took me two weeks to come up with a phone number that's easy to remember that was still available. By the time you're hearing this, this should be our new number once I straighten out some stuff with the phone company, so here it is, Speedy, 780-555-5555. That's never gonna work.
00:20:01
Speaker
Yes, he's getting it fixed with the phone company. Okay. Just try it. Like, yeah, if you've got a plumbing emergency, that's what the whole point of this is. Call that number, get it fixed, stat. Okay, I don't think that number's gonna work though. Look man, plumbing isn't that complicated. You ate too many burritos, you hit the can, a horror show is unleashed, and now look at the st- Now look at the state of that. Of course this whole ad is about the toilet. Of course this is a toilet ad. Okay. Who's going to fix it? You? Nah, you're more the type to leave. You're more the type to create problems and leave it to others to clean up. So here we are, cleaning up your messes since 2022. I want to emphasize Ms. Elizabeth. Yeah. If you want to talk about tight messaging, that's it in a nutshell. I know exactly what this business is. I know their value prop. Yeah. And I know how to get in touch with them.
00:20:52
Speaker
Yeah, but the contact is not gonna work and there's no website or anything or like a domain name or website like when toilet and When your toilet is turned against you you're not going online to surf to look at people falling down videos, right? You're gonna you need results. You need to call the phone number, which is what your phone is for The number isn't gonna work i so we need a plan we need a Plan B plant yeah Plan... Miss Elizabeth, in an emergency situation, we don't have luxury. We don't have the luxury for time. Plan B! We don't have a Plan B, okay. right I want to emphasize the range of wrenches we have in the van.
00:21:32
Speaker
You haven't seen the like. If you think you're doing your own plumbing all the while, you've never even seen half the type of wrenches we got. Well then, I got news for you. Ain't gonna happen, Bozo. We all have our specialties in life. You're good at straining your home's plumbing system to the breaking point.
00:21:52
Speaker
And ours is freaking putting on the hazmat suits and bringing a little sanity back to those godforsaken pipes.
00:21:59
Speaker
Oh, and by the way, if I can make a request to some of our customers. See, we got this guy Grover as a subcontractor working with us. He's usually on his own, but I brought him in because he knows way more about plumbing than my guys do. So I figured some of some of his expertise might rub off. Well, he keeps going on calls and the women in these places keep trying to seduce him and they tell my other guys to get lost.
00:22:20
Speaker
so they don't get to learn anything. Seriously, ladies, give some of my other guys a chance. They have their charms. Plus, there's a lot they need to learn about plumbing, so come on, I'm talking win-win here. Yeah, Grover's a bit of a ladies' man for sure.
00:22:34
Speaker
Yeah, it's a bit of a torment for the guy i think because he's just trying to get a job done. He doesn't need the attention. He's yeah he's on the job. Plus, you have these other plumbers who, wo whoo if if this guy's to be believed, they're not half bad. These these crazy women can give them a chance, can't they?
00:22:50
Speaker
Apparently not. It's when Grover's around. Don't turn your nose up, like ladies. you get You got other choices. You don't have to do your training on the job. You can do the training like outside of the house and then do the job in the job. Or call a plumber. Leave him mal alone. the fix The job gets fixed and goes seduce people elsewhere. OK. All right. Yeah, those are good options. That's mouth and plumbing services. Serving you since, geez, 2021.
00:23:13
Speaker
so it might at 2022 earlier. Yeah, he can't remember Miss Elizabeth. he's but he's He's too trained. His ears are trained on the hotline waiting for the next emergency call to come in, 780-555-555-5. Something like that. Anyways, get those plumbing pipes flowing like wine and those toilets singing like angels. That's what good plumbing gets you. And that's what you get with the Smoughton Plumbing Services call today. okay I don't even have a plumbing emergency and I feel like calling the guy. no We're not we're not having I think we should I but i think he should be called in to to smile syndicate HQ Just to just to give us a a quick inspection to make sure we don't have an emergency just in In coming just eat more responsibly and don't break your plumbing negatory. Let's play a song. Okay Smile syndicate my hard rockin band. Yeah one of the crazier songs, right?
00:24:10
Speaker
They're all crazy, Miss Elizabeth. but Ten fingers, nine toes. Let's listen.
00:26:52
Speaker
Ten fingers, nine toes by the smile syndicate right here on Hello Smilthing. And that song is available on all streaming platforms. It is, on Mr. Blue, Hullabaloo. Check it out. Not right now. Later. You know the drill, dear listener friend. Well, we're going to do something brand new here.
00:27:07
Speaker
And often, when we go into uncharted territory, ah i'm I'm anxious about it. I always think we're running the risk of hitting the ditch, especially since this idea came from Miss Elizabeth. And you you you can make your own, hey, I'm not going to slag my co-host. Never.
00:27:24
Speaker
ah But you can make your own decision about her judgment dear listener friend based on what you've heard so far in this episode good judgment good judgment upon and' a pause with Explain yourself like what what are we gonna be doing here in this brand new segment? Okay, the 2024 25 season is about to kick off at the Smiles in community theater and It's looking to be one of the most exciting seasons yet So you're putting me on the spot here. were We're going to talk about the community theater. I haven't prepared. You and I have made our picks of what are some of the highlights for from the upcoming season. We're both excited about it. So I thought, let's work together here. Let's dig in. Do you have a pamphlet or something I can look at? I don't know what the upcoming season is. You knew that this segment was coming. You're pretending like you didn't know the segment was coming out. I'm not pretending anything, Miss Elizabeth. you've OK, well, let's dig in.
00:28:15
Speaker
Can I, I'll confess, I tuned you out. Okay. As soon as you start talking about community theater, my mind goes elsewhere. But now we're here. So this is for the show then? This is for the show. Yeah.
Community Theater Season Highlights
00:28:26
Speaker
Okay, I'll get started and you just try to think of what you're- Okay, I'll come up with something. Because you do have pamphlets in front of you. You do have some resources, okay? Okay, this? Yeah. Well, this is the worst looking, this doesn't look like a- Okay. Okay. All right. I won't complain. My first pick is Electronic Paths Into My Heart, starring Joffrey. Oh boy. I know you don't like Joffrey, but he is part of the Smiles and Community Theatre. It's a one man show about a computer programmer who gets sucked into his own video game. I don't know where I've heard that before.
00:29:00
Speaker
Well, as he dodges the digital gremlins, he learns some life lessons. Always fun and educational. This is this this is exercising ah a strange off-putting fascination on me, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. ah Can you conceive of something as bad as this has got to be? It's gonna be good. You're gonna love it. Maybe he should have been nicer to his girlfriend instead of worrying about his programming all the time. Maybe he should start thinking about other people instead of computers. But before he can do that, he has big problems to solve first. Will he escape the giant computer? Or will he get blasted into bits and bytes? If you like mime,
00:29:46
Speaker
Because it's a one-man show, improvised acapella singing, oh boy and a truly moving story about self-realization. Then make sure that you get a ticket. I know I'm going to be there on opening night. This might be the funniest one-man show ever written. This sounds hilarious. I mean, it's not a comedy, but I think you will like it. In pretending to dodge Pac-Man ghosts? He's going to be wearing one of those skin suits, you know? Oh, but Miss Elizabeth. yo I'm there. i there was not a Thank you. This this is i talk about a left turn. I had no clue that you were actually going to provide something useful here. Can you imagine how funny this is going to be? It's going to be great.
00:30:27
Speaker
Well, ah um spot then you had a little bit of i'm going to inject a I'm just going to inject a little bit of realism here, assuming these shows even occur, which I emphatically do not. ah Just I'm going to, do I got, okay, go to the show, go to any other one. It doesn't matter.
00:30:45
Speaker
um what you're gonna do is buy pop at the concession stand and then you're gonna yeah you're just gonna have a nice drink of pop right no you're not what you you're gonna do is sneak a syringe with you what what's happening what's happening right now I'm telling you how to enjoy the Smilton Community Theatre okay you go to go to this crazy Tron ripoff you're fine you're supposed to have a show like a recommendation this is a recommendation on how to enjoy the upcoming Smilton Community Theatre is that not the mission okay I'm telling you, and you want a show pick. I'm telling you, it doesn't matter which one. OK, so this is practically how to do it. Hilarious crummy-tron rip-off. Go to that one. I don't care. Let's hear it. You're going to bring a syringe in. You're going to break the needle part off. You don't need it. It sounds illegal. This sounds illegal. It's not illegal. Break the needle part off. It's a piece of plastic. Can't hurt a fly. So the show starts going, and you have this big glass of pop. You put the syringe in there, and you load that syringe up with pop. Scooch right down in your seat.
00:31:44
Speaker
And then you get that syringe out and then you aim it like a cannon. Then you just and a laser beam of pop will arc know into the sky no down. You don't even know some goof will in front of you. Some goof in front of you will get a friendly little pop shower. Or grandma or a That's right.
00:32:08
Speaker
No clue where it came from. What if it gets Grandma's hair? That's not nice. or You could hit Joffrey on the stage. Isn't that... all Right in the eye. How funny would that be? He'd be singing his heart out to be about being trapped in a computer and then all of a sudden he'd be... i happy off then he And then then we'll see how good an improv-ery is.
00:32:28
Speaker
Oh, but now I want to go even more badly. I've got to get a ticket to this thing. All right. Are you ready for my second pick? Yeah. Okay. My second pick is a groovy little thing called Roller Quake. Wait till you hear this one. You're definitely going to want to attend. Put off already.
00:32:43
Speaker
It's the roller skating disco musical that you didn't know you needed. Super fun. yeah Featuring a soundtrack of songs that sound a lot like classic disco hits. oh You'll have to fight the urge to get up, get up, and get down once this talented crew of budding theater professionals get started. Oh my god. Soundalikes. Not even the real songs, just soundalikes. I didn't say it was soundalikes. Shake, shake, shake, shake your booty bottom.
00:33:12
Speaker
Wow, is that... Are you working on that one? That's the kind of ripoff I'm anticipating. They can't use the real song. Maybe you should be working on this production with in the musical department. Maybe I should. Yeah. This musical has it all, including romance, comedy, action, and every actor, and the thing is wearing roller skates. Don't worry though.
00:33:35
Speaker
Oh, I won't. Were you getting worried? I was. Helmets are mandatory, so both the safety and the fun bases are covered by this fun show. Fun ruined. Helmets and ruined? Well, you have to and be safe. Again, this this may be entertaining, but not in a way that was intended.
00:33:53
Speaker
I think you're going to like it. I think i think if you bring the syringe full of pop to this one, there could be some interesting interactions. Okay, I saw a dress rehearsal of this. And not only do these talented singers and dancers and roller skaters zoom around performing their hearts out, but they also do double duty they prepare food for the entire audience because it's like dinner theater what yeah you know how the roller skaters will like go to from car to car to car like delivering you know like an A&W back in the day exactly it's a surprise dinner theater I mean oh my god somewhat ruined by this route by this suggestion you're gonna fit sit in the theater normal seats and then all of a sudden you're gonna be like juggling glasses and plates on your lap guess what you're eating Things have been modified. Things have been modified so that the roller skating works. There's ramps. I mean, it's going to be fun. Nothing can go wrong with this setup. Act two is nothing but the actors plating up a dinner and roller boogying it out into the audience. Oh, come on. That's not even a show. I think you'll find it. That's just going to A&W. I think you'll find it is a show, Jason.
00:35:02
Speaker
The start of act three is a catchy number called dishes dishes where all of the actors skate through the crowd and collect the dishware and glasses. That's fun. That's even more entertaining than sitting there eating. Well, I mean, there's breakable. So there's there's a feeling of threats. There's risk involved. But once that's done, the boogie gets fresh and physical as the dancing on display will take your breath away. I doubt it. If you catch this one, make sure that you ask for the chicken.
00:35:31
Speaker
I did hear from an inside source that the fish is a little iffy. Oh boy. Yeah. nose up Again, that's a pass. Go for the chicken, Jason. Go for the pop, syringe, have a little fun. This show sounds dire. I i i don't believe that the that they would be efficient in meal prep. I don't think the food will be very good and I think there'll be a fiasco trying to get that theater cleared out again.
00:35:56
Speaker
I think it's going to be a lot of fun and you just don't know what's going to happen and that's the kind of event I like to attend. Oh boy. Because you go in thinking one thing or just not thinking anything and you just don't know what's going to happen. Well, yeah. It's a good evening. Not on the face of it. I think this is going to require some audience participation to get this thing moving. Sure, yeah. I'm ready to participate.
00:36:17
Speaker
Okay, here's a better idea. Get a janitor outfit. Just get some coveralls. Buy a ticket. Again, the show doesn't matter. And immediately start acting like you work there. Like, be puffing away on a big cigar. ah Just standing there and there in the lock. People will be all, hey, no smoking. And you can go, I work here, ding dong.
00:36:37
Speaker
Oh, okay. How fun would that be? Are you like basic? Oh, you know what? You could be like a ghost. You could be like a ghost of ah of a janitor from from days past.
00:36:48
Speaker
What are you talking about? A ghost? Yeah, you'd have to be like, I'm a ghost, puff puff. Look, you can act however you want, dear listener friend. i'm I'm telling you to be a goof. Because you can't tell a ghost to stop smoking. Fine, if that's how you would want it. OK, if that's what you want to do, go ahead. I wasn't thinking of the ghost angle. I was just thinking, show up, be a goof. People will fume at you. And bring one of those things that you can throw on the floor, and it creates a puff of smoke so you can run away. And then people think you were a ghost. OK.
00:37:15
Speaker
You do you, Ms. Elizabeth. People are going to fume at you, but what are they going to do? Who are they going to complain to? um And so how about you go to this guy? ah So how about how about you sweep next to this guy and he goes, I'm going to call the usher and you go, OK, I'll go get him. And then you run out and you come right back dressed up as an usher. And then you go something bothering you, sir. And the guy will probably go like what?
00:37:38
Speaker
the janitor looks exactly like you. It's been so rude to me. And then as he's telling the story, it'll it'll it'll occur to him how crazy he sounds. And then you can be all, I just 40 chest your ass. Ours. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds like it's own sort of weird side quest of a theater production.
Creative Theater Disruptions
00:38:00
Speaker
Yeah, it sounds like you want to be part of the theater production, but like on us on your own it's about entertaining yourself Yeah, because those shows aren't gonna cut it. Okay, so you're not gonna go and be a passive observer. You're gonna go and know exactly Okay, and isn't that isn't that the the sure theater of the future? Yeah, I think go and be a ghost of a janitor. It's like watching a bad movie that's terrible on itself, but then you crack wise during it and that turns it into a fun thing. That's exactly what this is. Go to the Smilton Community Theatre, disrupt the performance in creative, funny ways. Yeah. That's my advice to you. Okay. Hey, we agree. I think that sounds weirdly fun. I am shocked. Okay. You're so you're such buddy buddies with that Joffrey and he's such a ne'er-do-well.
00:38:44
Speaker
writing musicals about me, making fun of me, and I know he's money laundering in that place. i It's not even a real community theater. Okay, you're just identifying with a bad character. That wasn't necessarily all about you. What? You're just identifying with that character because I don't know why I lack of self-confidence. Oh, whatever. He made it clear it's ah it's about a grumpy, smiling podcaster. He was bugging you. He was bugging you for sure. Well, I'm gonna bug him right back. Okay. And this is gonna be hilarious.
00:39:14
Speaker
So buy your tickets to your listener friend, or or don't, or take your time, because this thing, none of the shows are going to sell out. If you're a ghostly janitor, you don't need tickets, because you're part of the production. Miss Elizabeth is having her fun. Well, I hope you had your fun, dear listener friend. It's been a fun show. We're going to be coming right back at you next week with another episode of Hello, Smileton. In the meantime, this one's done, but it's been fun. So Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. That's how you can help us.
00:39:44
Speaker
Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen. Help, for God's sake. Yeah. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more smiles, and so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week, and as always, remember friends, the sun is the jukebox.