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Breaking The Law Can Be Super Super Fun
80 Plays1 year ago
One way or the other, listening to this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, is going to put you on a better path in life. Funtime comedy capering and musical entertainments is going to brighten your surroundings, your inner state and the road ahead. Is that too much for a single podcast to deliver? Listen to this one and you tell me!
Miss Elizabeth and Jason comb through the archives of this show and present classic segments for our delectation. A look through the history books of our dear town of Smileton plus some rapid fire questions from the kids of today kick off the show. Our plucky hosts sure have to get up to some fancy dancin' to navigate that fun zone! And in a classic DEATH METAL UPDATE, Miss Elizabeth brings us the latest from the off-kilter, off-putting world of death metal.
Throw in a couple of songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE and the elements are all there to change your life for the better.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
2:50 This Week in Smileton History / Rappin' with the Kids (from May 15, 2023)
25:18 SONG – Breaking The Law
29:00 Death Metal Update (from May 22, 2023)
44:49 SONG – Time of the Great Apes
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Host Dynamics
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. While you're here, you've joined the show.
00:00:24
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, silence. I'm ticked off right now. You're making a mockery of my consternation. I know you are. You're annoyed. I've been gone. I apologize. I've been super busy. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. I know you're here. I know you were here last week. That same can't be said for Miss Elizabeth. She went trucking off to a podcasting conference in our neighbor town of Pickle Hills. You're not in trouble, Miss
Miss Elizabeth's Conference Adventures
00:00:49
Speaker
Elizabeth. I'm just disappointed.
00:00:53
Speaker
You left me to tap dance on my own in the Smilton Mall food court. Your listener friend, check out last week's show if you want to hear me capering by myself. Oh my gosh, it was amazing. We have to do so many more live parts of our show where we're on location. Yeah, Ms. Elizabeth got a charge. She actually listened to the show. Can you believe it? Oh, come now. She checked it off and she said, you know what, Jason, this show isn't bad.
00:01:16
Speaker
It's not that. I do 91 other shows. It's a really good show. Yeah. Yeah, no kidding. It's Elizabeth. Welcome to the party. It's my it's in my top 10 shows that I that I personally create. Oh, that's always that. Yeah, it might be the best.
00:01:34
Speaker
Well, that's high praise coming from you, Miss Elizabeth. You do 92 shows in grand total every week, which is a farcical number. This one's a priority podcast for me. Oh, yeah. Other ones don't get done every week. Until you find something else to go do, and then you just leave me to pick up the pieces. I was promoting us. I promoted us hard.
00:01:52
Speaker
uh-huh at
Celebrating 50 Episodes
00:01:53
Speaker
the amongst other podcasters yes I don't know how that helps oh that's a good point yeah you're all just staring at each other yeah you do a show I do a show you do that's all podcasting is miss Elizabeth we're all just staring at each other still I did I did promote us really hard
00:02:08
Speaker
OK, well, good work for that. Dear listener friend, we've got an exciting show despite all of this distraction that Miss Elizabeth has been thrusting onto our podcasting plate. We're going to push that aside and we're going to focus on some fun content. We've been sort of doing an impromptu celebration of 50 episodes because this is episode 53 of Hellos Mountain.
00:02:30
Speaker
the last few. We've been kind of celebrating it by going back into the archive. We're going to do that again today, but we're going to take some more recent segments just from the Hello Smilthing show, because this show has been going for a year as well. But this joyful treadmill, precious little joy,
00:02:45
Speaker
and a lot of hard work. I find it to be very joyful. So the reason for the
Smileton's Quirky History
00:02:51
Speaker
picks this week is because I've been super busy making friends at my podcasting conference and then helping some of my new podcasting friends to raise funds for their podcasting world tour across Canada. That, okay, on the face makes no sense. Why not? World tour of Canada.
00:03:10
Speaker
Well, they're starting in Canada. Yeah. So it's but they plan to do more, but they don't have the money. OK, so. Oh, yeah, Miss Elizabeth. So this shows coffers are overflowing. You know that. Well, you might as well help other shows raise money. So if you're curious, it's called this. The fundraising program is called I'm a Pickle Hills podcaster. Get me out of here. If you would like to donate, go ahead and try to find that. No, don't do your list of friend. Please don't donate to that.
00:03:39
Speaker
So as a result of that, though, this week, I have chosen some awesome smiles and pics to share with you. I'm super excited. Knock me out with these, Miss Elizabeth. You're going to learn so much more about our dear town and the people living in it. This is from an amazing episode entitled The Hot Wives of the Butterbuns, which aired May 15th.
00:03:59
Speaker
of this year. What are we hearing? What are we hearing? Well, it's going to be this week in Smiles in History. That's why I'm telling you, you're going to learn about the the town and the people this week in Smiles in History and wrapping with the kids. Nice. Let's listen. And that's why when we're craving some fun, we like to open up the old history book on this town and revisit some incidents that happened this week in Smiles in History.
00:04:26
Speaker
It was this week in 1980 when a scrap metal business could give NASA a run for its money when it comes to putting people on the moon.
00:04:42
Speaker
What are you saying? In the beginning. Oh, I remember, 1980, plain as day. They certainly didn't know much about making rockets. The owner, George Napoleon Grabowski, was ex-military and no-nonsense. But under that gruff exterior lay a heart of gold. This is history. This is something that happened. This is something that happened in Smiles. This guy with a gruff exterior made a rocket out of junk?
00:05:09
Speaker
and his heart of gold. When he hired the young 80s go-getter with the fast car and fancy hair, he knew that he'd have to keep an eye on Chase Steele Smith.
00:05:27
Speaker
Chase Steelsmith. He might be an asset, but he could also be trouble. Oh, I bet he charmed the ladies, Miss Elizabeth. Especially with his buxom daughter, Candy, running around in denim cut off. So you might be right, Jason. What is this, Miss Elizabeth? This sounds like a TV show pitch.
00:05:44
Speaker
Well, I mean, TV is based sometimes on reality. If you're talking about a documentary about smiles in history, you could be right on the money. Miss Elizabeth is abusing this
Jason's TV Show Accusation
00:05:52
Speaker
segment at pitch. An idea to Hollywood. No, this is history. She may look like the prettiest girl in town, but her science brain was just what this ragtag group needed to take to the stars. Nothing like a lady to set your heart ablaze and up going up to the moon in the stars.
00:06:12
Speaker
She's got beauty and brains, Miss Elizabeth. Tell me about it. The viewers will love her. Oh, come now. Almost fell into that little trick. This is history, not television show. And let's not forget about Benny the chimp.
00:06:26
Speaker
We've always had animals here in Smiles. You're pitching a 70s TV show featuring a lovable chimp. Who likes to also think about the stars and maybe wants to go to the stars? See if you don't smile when you see him in his little space suit, always ready to hand a wrench to whomever needs it. Okay, see if you don't smile if you see him in his little space suit. Can't you see him in your mind's eye? No,
Taco Eating Contest Antics
00:06:50
Speaker
I can see him coming this fall on network TV apparently.
00:06:54
Speaker
I see what you're trying to do. Usually you do a better job at hiding your ulterior motors, but this is as transparent as a window. What happened when these would-be space adventurers built their rocket and aimed it at the moon was exciting, hilarious, and just downright fun. No wonder it's featured in This Week in Smileton History. The circle is complete. Ladies and gentlemen, silence.
00:07:21
Speaker
They're like slavering dogs waiting to watch that show on TV. This is supposed to be a historical segment. I think you've got a little creative. No, there was a junkyard. I can fully believe that some nut decided to make a rocket out of junk, but I don't know about his buxom daughter in the chimp and the guy with the sports car. My goodness, I think all of that really happened. Yeah, it did happen from 1980 to 1982 on ABC.
00:07:48
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, can we turn to some real history now? Can I actually open up the history book and not my Hollywood page? Hollywood pitch, notebook. All right, you can do your history without insulting my history. Your history scarcely meets the barest of definitions.
00:08:07
Speaker
It was this week in 2022 that some know-nothing smartass decided he would throw down and challenge me to a taco eating contest right in the heart of the Smilton Mall food court. Wait a minute. Are you taking us as far back as 2022 last week in history? You're supposed to go back. I think we should have this an unstated expectation here. You are going to go back at least a decade.
00:08:28
Speaker
At least a decade, Jason. We're talking about the formation of Smileton, not the formation of your life and your current psychological well-being. Am I not part of Smileton? Do I not warrant a page in the tail of this town? All right, let's hear it.
00:08:41
Speaker
this little twerp in his cool glasses and his hoodie, he just walks right up to me and he goes, let's go, big shot. And I was just getting ready to tuck into some good lunch, a nice assortment of goodies from Good Time Taco, and this punk flashes a gift card from Good Time Taco that his mom probably bought him.
00:09:01
Speaker
So, okay, let's go, you punk you, you wanna throw down with me? It's gonna happen, so we ordered a ton of stuff. So, wait a minute, are you reading out of a page? Is this a page from your journal? It's a page, yeah, out of my diary, basically, Miss Elizabeth. Surely we can all contribute to the town's lore. Alright. Miss Elizabeth, you wanna turn Smilton history into a walled garden?
00:09:23
Speaker
Well, I just want it to be history. It should be history. Yeah. Well, this punk, he's talking a bunch of smack. And normally, when I'm preparing for a food challenge, I got to empty my mind out so that there's nothing in it. I'm an empty vessel, like I frequently say, an empty brainless vessel. Now, wait a minute. Why are you an empty brainless vessel just to eat some taco stuff?
00:09:46
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, you show your naivete when you say these things. Hey, Mr. Athlete, why are you eating right and why
Jason's Advice to Smileton Youth
00:09:53
Speaker
are you warming up before you head off into that explosive race? So you're getting into like a meditative state. That's the answer for the gentleman in question and myself.
00:10:02
Speaker
Is it like a meditative state that you're hopping into here? You should take a little bit of remedial competitive food eating class and the first time you get a glimpse, you heard of the runners high. This is the food eaters high that is akin to a food frenzy and you cannot have your mind all cluttered with stuff. You just got to be thinking about chewing and biting.
00:10:24
Speaker
Chewing and biting. Ms. Elizabeth, I'm not going to describe the ABCs of how to eat food properly. Bite, chew. Swallow. Repeat.
00:10:37
Speaker
So this little punk, he gets me agitated and I can't think straight. I'm supposed to have an empty mind. Meanwhile, I'm trying to think of comebacks. Okay. Do we know who this was? You can't think of a comeback when your brain is an empty brainless vessel. Exactly. I was respecting the form. I was respecting the craft. This little punk wasn't. I fell into his trap just as you nearly did earlier. I fell into a trap myself.
00:10:59
Speaker
OK, you know what's amazing to me is how often you find yourself to be in the condition of being a brainless vessel. And yet you're not like you're so frantic all the time with anxiety and all kinds of negative feeling. So it doesn't work as a meditative strategy. Oh, really? Well, thanks. That's what I just told you, Miss Elizabeth.
00:11:19
Speaker
It's not for meditative. It's not for any meditative purpose. It's to free my mind, to focus on making my jaws work as hard as possible. So we're throwing a bunch of static each way. We have a bunch of tacos in front of us and I'm revved up to defeat this loser.
00:11:36
Speaker
And yeah, we start going and I just start tearing into those tacos and I'm just in a feeding frenzy. I didn't even unwrap some of the Miss Elizabeth. I was just trying to get as many of them down the old gullet as I could. There's no way this punk kid is going to show me up. One time I bit into a taco and I accidentally got a little piece of the taco wrapping. Oh no, Miss Elizabeth. Yuck. What ever did you do? I swallowed it. Oh, yuck. Miss Elizabeth, you can't think twice about what's going down the old stomach tube.
00:12:06
Speaker
You gotta just go for it, or you're not gonna win anything. So you're saying that that was okay that I did that? Because I felt pretty sick afterwards. You accidentally took a step in the right direction and no wonder you're recoiled. It's really weird eating a piece of food wrapping. You get used to it. So I'm in a frenzy. I'm eating all this stuff. And one, I don't notice that the kid isn't eating anything. And number two, I didn't notice his buddy sitting there filming the whole thing. Yeah, because this was still in the age of the iPhone video and TikTok and everything.
00:12:36
Speaker
Yeah, that was so long ago. People posting videos online. It was last year. So they scuttle off.
00:12:44
Speaker
I have to fight to tell this important part of Smilton history. Because I don't see how it affected the town. Little off, Miss Elizabeth. They didn't even touch one taco. Next thing I know, the footage is online. It's viral. And you know what the video is called? All lowercase, of course. OMG, dude loves tacos, LOL. Well, dude does love tacos. Let's admit it. Okay. Yeah, the dude...
00:13:08
Speaker
The dude's love for tacos is immaterial. The dude's respect for the craft is what's paramount. This little punk tricked me into performing. He thought it was funny. The joke's on you. I'm proud of that performance. That frenzied performance that's captured forever on video. This has been This Week in Smilton History.
00:13:30
Speaker
It just ended. It just ended with you having eaten a taco. Yeah, look, it's important. It's an important story for us all. Okay. Do your best. That's what it means. Even if you got tricked into doing it by some punk kid. Congratulations. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Thank you so much. The applause is kind of peering out there. Come on. Let's go some more. There you go. See, they do as they're told once in a while. They do like you. They're trying to be supportive.
00:13:58
Speaker
Well, yeah, and I support people right back, Miss Elizabeth, and the way I do that is by sharing my knowledge, and who more deserves guidance and knowledge sharing than the kids of Smilton, the children in our future, Miss Elizabeth. They are. You try to gainsay that and I won't let you.
00:14:17
Speaker
I'm not going to gainsay that. Children are our future. I hope that you help them instead of, I don't know, putting them on the wrong track. I absolutely do, Miss Elizabeth. And I don't just walk the walk. I talk the talk. All right. And I carve out precious time on the show to help the kids in exactly the best way I can. And that's to have a segment called Rapping with the Kids.
00:14:36
Speaker
Kids and I sit down virtually in a circle cross-legged. No, no, no jive. No guff. We just rap at each other. I know. And that's it. We just share some knowledge. Share some experience. Miss Elizabeth, no hang ups. No. Yeah. I'm going to share some knowledge. You kids, you have good questions. I hope you take them to heart. I hope you talk with your parents or your pastor or your youth counselor about the things you've learned.
00:15:03
Speaker
Okay, well, I'm sure they might. I have to say this week, all of this wrapping with the kids questions, they all look like paragraphs. So just bear with me. It's a complicated question. They do. Okay, so here's the first one. Okay, complicated family stuff.
00:15:18
Speaker
My uncle went to get a new cell phone and they told him that he could keep his number, but something happened during the switch over and my dad swooped in to steal my uncle's number. And now my uncle is furious because the last four digits spelled stud S-T-U-D. And he was proud of that. And now my dad has it and they're really fighting over it. Okay.
00:15:42
Speaker
I'm trying to film YouTube videos in my bedroom and I can't because of all the noise when my uncle comes over and they fight. What do I do? Well, kid. It's a good question. It is a complicated question. Your uncle's probably inordinately proud of 555 stud or whatever his phone number is. I don't think he can probably back it up. That's just my assumption, kid. Maybe he is a stud. I don't know. We're wondering who's the studliest. I don't care quite frankly.
00:16:08
Speaker
What I care about is helping the children have a more peaceful life. And there's one thing you got to do, kid, that your dad was probably out of bounds stealing that phone number. I think you got to steal it from him. And just tell your uncle on the side, 250 bucks gets you an STUD right back where it belongs.
00:16:24
Speaker
Okay. And then everything settles down. Your dad doesn't know what happened. And you come out $250 richer, and your uncle can shut up for a while. All right. That sounds like the way to bring some peace to that nut and ball household you got running there. I feel like there should be some kind of an actual, like an objective kind of a contest to determine which one of these gentlemen is actually the studliest and deserves to have that.
00:16:48
Speaker
Okay, yeah, so yeah, Miss Elizabeth, you can take your fevered brain and figure out how someone would go about proving how much of a stud they were. Well, I think that there might need to be a jury of your peers of women to determine that. Miss Elizabeth, it's a family show. You can go do it on one of your other adult-oriented podcasts that I'm sure you get up to when the lights go out here. It's Miles Syndicate HQ. Okay, well, I've got some other questions here. Okay, good. Let's hear them.
00:17:13
Speaker
I've been studying witchcraft for a few months, and I tried my first spell last week. Oh, good. It totally worked, so consider that a warning. Boy, it mustn't have been a very nice spell. A warning? For whom? For whom, Miss Elizabeth? Well, that's what I was going to say. If you're warning us about it, then it maybe wasn't like a- Don't threaten us, you little puke. Flowers and unicorn type of spell. Maybe it was more of a dangerous kind of a spell. I want my 20 bucks back. Do you owe some child $20? Improbable.
00:17:41
Speaker
The science homework you did for me had all kinds of mistakes and now you've made me look bad. Boo hoo. I didn't give you good money for that. If you want my magical powers to mess you up, fine. If not, 20 bucks and we'll call the whole thing even. Jason, I think you better return that $20 post-haste. Absolutely not. But you're going to get jinxed. I don't care. It's going to affect the show. Jason, it's going to affect the show. This kid can't even do the science homework.
00:18:10
Speaker
What are the odds they could cast a spell properly? I'm not scared. Kid, bring it. I'm shaking. I'm shaking. You should have read the fine print. I gave you homework that you could hand in. I didn't guarantee accuracy, completeness or relevance. That's true. It was stuff scrawled on paper that you could hand in.
00:18:28
Speaker
You handed it in. You had some time to yourself to do whatever kids get up to these days. You didn't have to do your homework. That's worth 20 bucks, isn't it? Having a bit of time back. Time is money. Kid, you're learning a bigger lesson than some dumb science teacher can teach you. I feel like you are begging a little bit there for the spell not to land on your head. I'm not scared. Kid, bring it. Okay. Well, okay. So the news might...
00:18:52
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We'll give you an update if I befall some kind of magical malevolence. Okay. My friends and I have been dabbling in the dark arts lately. I wonder if they're friends. With these kids, dabbling in the dark. I'm telling you, there's dark arts happening. Kids didn't smile, they didn't have a screw loose. There's no dark arts. And we're seeing some encouraging results. Yeah. Maybe you should wait till the end of the sentence before you start.
00:19:19
Speaker
Saying that I'm under a hex. I'm not even in control of my own behavior anymore Should we keep going down this path or listen to our elders and abandon such witchery probably? It's working go ride a bike. What do you do dabbling in the black arts? Well, you can dabble in black arts while riding a bike Don't encourage the kids are up to something stupid don't encourage how
00:19:45
Speaker
I... Miss Elizabeth, I would be very surprised at the nature of these encouraging results.
00:19:51
Speaker
Surprised is always the expression on the face of the person who's just been hacked. Okay. Okay, well, okay. I'll deal with the one witch first and then I'll deal with these other ones later. All right. Not gonna lie, it was me who pooped and put it in my buddy's locker. Oh boy. This is gross. No, this one's got me smiling already. He got suspended and that's too bad, but I... Wait a minute. He got suspended because they thought it was his poop in his old locker? Yeah.
00:20:18
Speaker
But I can't come forward because that would ruin a very good joke. What do you think? I think your instincts are sound, kid. You got an anecdote for the ages. You're gonna tell your grandkids about framing a kid for pooping in his own locker. I don't know. You know, that's just funny. That's high-spiritedness. That is a far more funny, productive use of time than dabbling in the black arts, Ms. Elizabeth.
00:20:39
Speaker
Just as I was starting to think that kids in Smile Turn are going down the wrong path, this kid zooms in and out of nowhere to show. We're a mixed up lot here, but sometimes we get it right. So between witchcraft and the poo jokes and pranks, I think I'm on the side of the witchcraft. That's where we differ, Miss Elizabeth. We don't need to be messing with poo. You get into weird stuff and all that. I prefer to keep it wholesome.
00:21:01
Speaker
Me and my little S-Head buddies got an effin' craven. Wait a minute. I think this might not be a kid talking. That sounds like a kid to me, Miss Elizabeth. For some good burgers. So we effin' rocked on over to that fancy burger place, Mitch Winchell's burger experience. And I tell you effin' what? First of all, this is Lance Brock. Full disclosure. How do you figure that? I can figure that because he's going after Mitch Winchell and he's using the term effin' a lot. And also, kids don't usually call each other S-Heads.
00:21:32
Speaker
They don't. I tell you what, me and my little buddies got the S's so bad that we ruined every pair of pants we effing had. Oh my goodness. If that sounds like a good food experience to you, then effing have at it. If not, then effing beware. Yeah.
00:21:51
Speaker
Exactly. That's odd. That's a civic minded kid reporting a bad food experience with his little asshead buddies. How does an adult get in unwrapping with the kids? What do you mean? That's a kid. Lance Brock. He's not a kid. Ms. Elizabeth, trust the children. He might be a child at heart.
00:22:10
Speaker
But he's not a child. The kid says he's a kid. I'm inclined to believe him. He talks like
Musical Interlude and Discussions
00:22:14
Speaker
a kid. Thank you very much, little friend, whoever you are. Ladies and gentlemen, I was in the middle of speaking. Your applause was rude and unwanted. Is it? Oh, dear. Yes.
00:22:26
Speaker
Okay. Silence yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. I have important words. Children are our future. I'll say it again. Kids, they're showing some of the right kind of high-spiritedness, but they don't neglect their civic duty. They had to speak out when their guts got so poisoned by bad burgers that they ruined every pair of pants they had. They couldn't have suffered in silence, but instead they said, no, it happened to me, but by God, it doesn't have to happen to any other kid in town if I just speak up.
00:22:56
Speaker
This is not what happened, Miss Elizabeth, and what a noble way to end rapping with the kids. OK, stop. There's so many layers of lies here, because not only is it not a child, it's Lance, an adult male who is doing this rapping with the kids. But it's lying about Mitch Winchell's burger experience, which is the most
Smileton Death Metal Community Highlights
00:23:14
Speaker
deluxe, and everybody knows that. The most deluxe burger experience in all of the Tritown area, not only small towns. You hear what the people say when they actually go to eat there.
00:23:24
Speaker
Have you ever had a burger from Mitch Winchell's burger experience, Ms. Elizabeth? Often! Okay, and you never had any troubles afterwards? No. Okay, but count yourself lucky, Ms. Elizabeth. You were born under a lucky star or something to avoid the kind of digestive issues these poor kids had to suffer through. Okay, maybe it's witchcraft. Okay, no, I think it's flat-out contaminated food, improperly prepared.
00:23:50
Speaker
Old stuff on Hello, Smilton. Yeah, that wasn't that old. That was from May 15th of this year. I have a podcast listener tip for you. You're a shot out of a can today. Tips? Yeah, I got some tips because if you want to listen to these specific segments, if you use certain podcasting apps, it'll make it super more easy for you.
00:24:12
Speaker
You go to the Overcast Podcast app and search. You can easily search the back catalog that way. So just download the Overcast app and then search for Hello, Smileton. When you play the episode, you can skip to the segment by clicking on the timestamps. They work like links. I wish you wouldn't do that, your listener friend. These episodes are painstakingly crafted to be enjoyed front to back. No jumping around, no pausing. But it's super handy because then they can skip forward to the music if they want to skip forward to the music skipping.
00:24:41
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth? It's great for bad catalog research, Jason. Why don't we just jump to the end of the show then? Okay. We can do our own kind of skipping. This only works on certain podcast apps, so get yourself off of the Apple Podcast app, get yourself off of Spotify even. Okay. Get onto the Overcast app, that's where it works. Okay, unpaid advertisement, we're going to roll with that, dear listener friend. It's free. We've got to play some music. I'm going to reach over and tune in that old smile on radio. Yeah, play the thing that you're in the mood for right now, Jason.
00:25:10
Speaker
I don't even know what that would be. So failing inspiration, let's pick breaking the law. If that's what you're in the mood for. There I was, bleedly wasting out of working down.
00:25:39
Speaker
all inside it's so frustrating as I drift from town to town feel as though nobody cares if I live or die so I might as well begin to get some action in my life breaking the law breaking the law
00:26:07
Speaker
Breaking the law, I'm gonna break that law So much for a golden future I can't even start
00:26:19
Speaker
I've had every promise broken as anger in my heart You don't know what it's like You don't have a clue If you did, you'd find yourselves doing the same thing too Breaking the law Breaking the law
00:26:48
Speaker
Breaking the law I'm gonna break that law You don't know what it's like You don't know what it's like
00:27:49
Speaker
breaking the law breaking the law breaking the law
00:28:17
Speaker
Breaking the Law by the Smiles Syndicate right here on Hello, Smiles. I like that. It's got just a really nice melancholy kind of a sound to it. Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, it's not all fun and games breaking the law so much. Pretty clearly the person singing that song is, you know, the luster has worn off the activity. Well, weren't you the one singing that? Yes, Miss Elizabeth. I assume to care. Miss Elizabeth, I'm a troubadour.
00:28:42
Speaker
I assume characters when I sing songs and I refer to that character out of respect in the third person. I didn't even write that song and yet the skills of a troubadour brings the songs close to their own heart and makes it their own. Yeah, you did a really good job with that arrangement. I liked it.
00:28:58
Speaker
Well, thanks. What's the idea? Do you have another pick to slap us with? You know, I do. My second pick is an uplifting and informative, highly musical and fashion forward. Oh, brother. Death metal update. It's going to relax you. Some of them. Well, one of those things doesn't belong in there.
00:29:16
Speaker
It's going to relax you at the same time as it puts you smack dab once again in the middle of our town of Smileton. Prepare to be amazed by the accuracy presented in this segment from May 22nd of this year. An episode entitled the goof who married a ghost. Let's go, I guess.
00:29:37
Speaker
Unfortunately, we've got to kick the show off in the worst way possible. And that is with your death metal update. Okay. Why did you have to insult it right before I've even started? I just, I'm dunking a little hole there. I have a huge amount of awesome content. It's all new information about death metal in here in Smileson. I think we should get to it and we should enjoy it. As we do this show, I get less and less uptight about expressing my disdain for this particular segment. I don't know why it's on the roster. I don't know why we do it.
00:30:06
Speaker
Jason, are you not a Death Metal fan? I am not at all, Miss Elizabeth. How can you feel so confident and comfortable saying that out loud, right here in the middle of Smilton? Easy. Because, Miss Elizabeth, I've got the town's best interest at heart, and this Death Metal maritalism that's been creeping like a fungus through our good town. Like a fungus. I mean, they wouldn't disagree that it's like a fungus. Yeah. Like an undead fungus. Right. And it's killing the Dandelions. But that's also part of Death Metal.
00:30:36
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, here's the problem. Death Metal Festival coming up this July. I don't even know what year this is, but it's every year. Millions of people descend on our town. They've got the cloaks on, they've got the face paint. It's an unwanted cultural invasion and the town suffers for the rest of the year when this thing happens. You're convinced it's fun. You're in with the Death Metal people and you feel like you have to give a Death Metal update about what's going on in that school.
00:31:02
Speaker
Groob All World Death Metal right here on this show makes no sense to me. Dear listener friend, you buckle up because this segment coming up is going to make no sense. My goodness, you say suffers, but the word that we use here in the Death Metal community is profits because it is part of the economic engine of our fair town. There's the cynical hucksterism raising its head. All right, so you ready for the Death Metal update? I am. New shoes for Death Metal festival?
00:31:28
Speaker
The Smiles and Death Metal festival will be clawing its way out of the infinite crib this July, as you just stated, for its yearly month-long frolic in the sun. Frolic is not the word. Because usually death metal is in the dark, but it's going to be in the sun, because it's summer. You can't avoid it.
00:31:46
Speaker
I feel like the dots have been connected. Especially here in the north, you know. Every festival is special, but this year is going to be special in a whole new way down in the feet zone. Huh? In the zone where your feet live. I know where my feet are. Okay, festival organ... You know where your head's at. Festival organizer, visionary, sage, wise one, elder, and wunderkind. Oh, come on. Jörg Flernstadt could hardly... Did he provide that list for you?
00:32:13
Speaker
It does get longer, doesn't it? It gets a little bit longer. It's growing like a fungus, you might say. His title could hardly contain himself as he spoke to the press earlier this week. He said, I'm tickled over the
Conclusion and Future Promises
00:32:26
Speaker
moon to be announcing the latest sponsor to this year's festival. Another company hoodwinked.
00:32:33
Speaker
Companies are scrambling to get on the death metal gravy train and I'm thrilled to announce that the latest sponsor is none other than Sweden's own wooden shoe fashion powerhouse Amazed and a clog. Oh
00:32:49
Speaker
Attendees to the festival will be able to purchase limited edition festival clogs, but they will have to act fast. Once the two million pairs are gone, that's four million individual shoes, they're gone.
00:33:04
Speaker
I've already got my pre-order in. Jason, you gotta act fast. Are you ready? Absolutely. Miss Elizabeth, just when I thought the festival couldn't get worse, are you telling me there's gonna be up to two million people? So I've been wandering around Smilton, wearing clogs, making an unholy din. Yeah? The sound of four million wooden shoes clomping along McCombs.
00:33:25
Speaker
cobblestones okay well the materials used are not always the same kind of wood they sometimes have different materials on the bottoms and two million people to two million shoes is not exactly accurate because some people like myself might have ordered more than one pair oh brother so relax no relax
00:33:43
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, it seems like the whole purpose of the festival is to drive me nuts. Well, is it working? Uh-huh. OK, well, it's time once again for the death metal shout outs to local Smileton death metal denizens. OK, this is you being way too comfortable. You're taking valuable show time to shout out to some of your death metal buddies. Local death metal people. Yeah, death metal denizens. Shout out to Karen H. I wish I had an ally, and I wish I had an ally in this town, Miss Elizabeth. You do. I'm your ally.
00:34:12
Speaker
Fiddlesticks. Oh, well, I'm doing okay. I'm your ally. No matter what you say. Shout out to Carrie H. Thanks for the death metal cookies. They were yum yum. Oh, Miss Elizabeth. They were chocolate. They were dark chocolate, as you can imagine. I can't imagine. Of course they were dark chocolate.
00:34:29
Speaker
Oh, the suffering. They were ghoulish. They had sort of dirt, sort of. Ghoulish. It's not Halloween, Miss Elizabeth. They were devil chocolate, if I'm honest. Shout out to Daisy K. If your work doesn't appreciate you dressing up as a cannibal sorceress, then tell them to take a hike. They won't find anyone as good as you at selling houses.
00:34:49
Speaker
Oh, boy. Well, if the realtor I'd selected to show me to a possible new home was dressed up as a cannibal sorceress, I'd have to question many things about them. Well, I think the question is just, are they good at selling houses? And, you know, we have death metal. It matters if you have a screw loose, Miss Elizabeth. We have death metal real estate here in Smiles, and because we have
00:35:11
Speaker
The whole underground condominium complex? Desolate Acres. Desolate Acres, yeah, which has multiple different complexes. I don't even want to know how that... I don't even want to talk about growing like a fungus. All right, shout out to Boris J. Another shout out. This is the third and final shout out. You're the best death metal crane operator Smileson has ever seen.
00:35:34
Speaker
Again, do you know what somebody is doing something important building something in this town if somebody was Miss Elizabeth? How do they still have their job? He's highly skilled and he decorated his crane with some lights and Something kind of looks slimy it I don't think it was actually slimy because that would be unsafe, but it looks slimy from a distance
00:35:57
Speaker
Isn't that cool? Oh, it's exciting. Yeah. He really got the job done. I think I know what this segment is for. It's just bury me in a mountain of nonsense so that I can scarcely escape it. Okay. So some new releases then from the death metal. We don't need
00:36:13
Speaker
more new releases surely there are enough death metal albums in existence well there are many and it it satisfies a lot of people but there's always new music coming out Jason so we have to be aware of that new death metal releases are arriving in a never-ending torrent more raging than the howls of madness from the void outside the universe Jason yeah gibberish here are my top picks for this week's batch oh boy from raunchy gremlin yeah sorry i stole your girlfriend not sorry
00:36:44
Speaker
That's a good one. Yeah, that sounds like a death metal album to me. Everybody enjoys that. Giggling Ghost brings us. I'm not sure if you've heard Giggling Ghost before. No, I've never heard of Giggling Ghost. They're new. They're quite young. They're youthful. They've got that spark, that energy. And they bring us. Heard your pool needs fixing, ma'am. No. Saucy. Yeah. Saucy. No, thank you. Sorcerer Arise brings us. Too bad there's only one of me, ladies. Where is this death metal braggadocio coming from?
00:37:14
Speaker
These dumpy ghouls with their cloaks and their face paint. What lady or gentleman should a goon like that be able to land? Some are of a larger, more cylindrical and spherical shape and others are more of a stick-like shape. You have to admit there's many different shapes of death metal.
00:37:36
Speaker
You can be any shape and size you want. You still have a screw loose in my book. Okay, that's fine. Vision of Viscera brings us Meet Me in Paradise. Yup, yup. Join me in Paradise. I know what it means, Miss Elizabeth, but I don't believe it. It's incredible arteries. Befouled Doom Tomb brings us Love Dynamo. Yeah, they're love machines, Miss Elizabeth. Those death metal people, they just got loving on the brain.
00:38:04
Speaker
loving in a very like highly energized kind of way. Don't you find? Yeah, I don't find it all. I think this is very motivating. I think you're making the app. Please tell me you're making these titles up. I'll tell you I'm happy real. I'm not making the titles up, but I will tell you that it is so much fun to dance to each one of these wearing your brand new death metal clogs for sure. All right. A story for you. It's called cash for the council.
00:38:29
Speaker
Yeah, my dander's up already. Yeah, well, maybe it should be. Okay, Smileton Town Council met earlier this week and reaffirmed their support for the Smileton Death Metal Festival. That's good. They all applaud that. Ladies and gentlemen, you're part of the problem. Do you not think our crooked, corrupt Town Council is on the take in some fashion? They're not Death Metal fans. They just know which way the wind's blowing and they know which way to milk the rubes.
00:38:57
Speaker
Donan Clokes and Facepaint Smilton's leaders found it easy to come to a consensus during their death metal town council meeting. Just stick death metal in front of anything. Looking like a cannibal ghoul from the realm past reckoning, Mayor Patty Pepper announced to reporters that $10,000 Canadian in town funds had been allocated to each council member as a discretionary death metal community participation fund.
00:39:26
Speaker
And here's a quote. Normally when you have a boondoggle you make some effort to cover your tracks. Well here's the track covering, so here's a quote. Death Metal has always been about freedom of choice and I told council that they should feel free to spend that money to support the Death Metal community in any way that seems appropriate, says Pepper.
00:39:46
Speaker
Leave it to their judgment. The crooked cronies of our council. You might not be too far wrong there, Jason, because as this reporter has already heard rumors, many on council promptly booked Hawaiian vacations with the funds. But you know what, Jason? I'm sure that they'll be back in time for the festival. We've got to get a little rest and relaxation, get a little sun to prepare you for the death metal festival.
00:40:10
Speaker
What an outrageous story, Miss Elizabeth. People should be storming town hall and outraged protest. There's death metal in Hawaii. Maybe they're taking the death metal culture into Hawaii a little bit. Yeah. And now it's time for the death metal tattler. Is this the first time I've done a tattler? I think so, Miss Elizabeth. OK, well, my ghoulish undead spies are everywhere. So if you misbehave, I'm going to hear about it. Death metal gossip. That's all this world needs. Incinerate.
00:40:40
Speaker
fiduciary chicanery. And now this, Miss Elizabeth, you're scarcely making a credible case for the ongoing attention to death metal on this show. I think I'm stealing the deal here. Incinerated rascal vocalist Josephus Doom has some fancy explaining to do after stealing the hearts of every death metal denizen through his romantic courting and subsequent marriage to the ghost of hanged 17th century witch,
00:41:09
Speaker
Mary Green. He married a ghost. Don't make fun. That's the real thing that happened. You can see all the photos with the little sparks in the photo where you can see that he's clearly married to Mary Green. Doom has long been considered one of the great good guys of Death Metal.
00:41:27
Speaker
Who says who? Says whom? Well, I'm saying it right now. Unfortunately, my spies have told me that Doom has been seen out and about with a shimmering spectra. And as we know, Mary doesn't shimmer. He's stepping out, Miss Elizabeth. Mary doesn't shimmer. So who is this? Who is this incorporeal hussy? It has yet to be determined
00:41:48
Speaker
But if you think, madam, that you can just waltz in and ruin the rom-com happy ending of this death metal fairy tale, then you've got another thing coming. Pretend time's over. He's cheating with another made up thing. He's cheating with the not made up, more like a risen up thing, another risen up thing.
00:42:07
Speaker
The ghost of Mary Green has reportedly been telling friends of hers in the living and the dead department that this time she's really thinking about calling it quits with the inconstant doom. Oh, well, yeah, a girl can only put up with so much, Miss Elizabeth. Especially after she's already put up with her own demise. Josepha's doom, get your head straight and be true to your ghostly lady.
00:42:31
Speaker
seek some counseling and just fix whatever's troubling you because you're acting like a complete crackpot. Okay, well, that's a bit... You're enabling this. You and every other Death Metal fan looking at the Death Metal teen magazines, cheering this guy on. Data Ghost! Oh, he's with the Spectre now! Oh, the Fiend!
00:42:50
Speaker
I don't even know what to say to it. Okay, well, in any case, let us close the cursed tome on this edition of Death Metal Update. Elizabeth, I guess I should say thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Once everybody's just encouraging this behavior, this is why we'll never get rid of the Death Metal Festival. Look, some of them are starting to get up. They are here for the Death Metal Update, so you should be grateful.
00:43:13
Speaker
What do you mean, getting up and leaving? Yeah. Well, good riddance. Well, maybe because they're sloppy joes, they're finished. If you think performing to a barely half full audience slows me down one second, you got another thing coming.
00:43:24
Speaker
old death metal update right here on Hello, Smileton. Yeah. Miss Elizabeth, you picked segments. I did. That's for sure. You picked some stuff out of the archive. They were pretty good. Even though picking death metal update does raise an eyebrow, a stance in your direction. Really? Well, yeah, you know, we've been we've been entertaining your folly a little bit too long, I think, with this death metal update. Well, we can't give it up because of the fact that it's such a big part of Smileton.
00:43:49
Speaker
OK, we can leave it alone for the next few episodes, but it does come back every single summer. I'm just thinking, me putting my foot down about that segment might be a good first step for the Smilton Betterment Society, because the infestation at Death Metal is pretty clearly on the agenda for being dealt with.
00:44:06
Speaker
Well, this may be why you only have one member in your society. Stop it, Miss Elizabeth. That's a temporary situation. Because people are pretty much firmly on the side of death metal in this town. I've got clearly work to do. You do have some work to do. Listen, I feel as though I really liked that song before, but it had just sort of that melancholy feel to it. And while I loved that, I also feel like breaking the law can be super, super fun.
00:44:33
Speaker
So I think maybe can I pick the next song for the marquee song slot? I think we should listen to this amazing crime wave that happens with when we have an escape from the zoo. It's called Time of the Great Apes. Let's listen.
00:44:59
Speaker
a banana smell. Dream awesome all this time, masterminding all the crime. See you with your mouths of gay, paupery former friends behave. How does it do, onto the street time?
00:45:23
Speaker
Onto the streets, time of the great age! Onto the streets, time of the great age! Onto the streets, time of the great age! Round them up, you know you can't. They've got top hats but no pants, you won't think that.
00:45:53
Speaker
To the praxis left in class, Gojo drives the minivan. All the signs are in the rice, Gold bananas are the prize. Out of the dune, onto the stream, time of the night.
00:46:23
Speaker
It's time of the greatest out of the two watching the stream. It's time of the greatest out of the two watching the stream.
00:47:05
Speaker
Great age, laughing, having fun Can't keep up with longer tricks Beat the cops with their own sticks Their bags against the wall Must be someone he can call
00:47:33
Speaker
Time of the greatest, time of the greatest, time of the greatest
00:48:10
Speaker
Time of the Great Apes by the Smiles gonna get right here on Hello, Smiles. See? I mean, it's a theme that we have going on with the music. Yeah, you see what happens when we turn the show over to you, Miss Elizabeth? Rampant law breaking. Whimsical. Yeah, you put a smile on it and meanwhile the town's going crazy.
00:48:30
Speaker
Yeah, but wasn't that a great song? I really like Time of the Great Ace. I'm glad you're entertained by it, Miss Elizabeth. I am. And I hope you're entertained, dear listener friend, by our going back to the past capering today. We'll be coming back at you next week with an all new episode of Hello, Smilton. You better bet on that. Yeah. Clear the calendar now because it's going to be upon you soon. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth?
00:48:53
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed this show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word. Make a difference. So it's bye bye from Jason. Bye bye. And bye bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember friend, the sun is a jukebox.