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00:00:01
I Think Everybody's Half My Problem
57 Plays11 months ago
No, this uncannily entertaining podcast did not arise because of a wish made upon a cursed monkey's paw! Who put that idea in your head? I think you'd better focus on putting better things in your head. Like this: the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth are broadcasting from Smileton, the podcasting capital of the world and their comedy and music capering is sure to fill your dangerously depleted entertainment tanks.
In a vintage MAILBAG, Miss Elizabeth peppers Jason with questions sent in by listeners and what should have been a straight-forward Q&A session evolves into something far more... delicious?
And our hosts keep each other honest in a classic NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION UPDATE. Hear how their New Year's resolutions are coming along and thrill as our no-holds-barred hosts hold each other to account.
Two songs by Smileton's own The Smile Syndicate infuse the proceedings with catchy, up-beat goodness and who could say no to that?
HELLO, SMILETON – If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
2:32 Mailbag (from August 12, 2021)
23:55 SONG – She Said Hi When I Said Bye
27:32 New Year's Resolution Update (from July 8, 2021)
42:16 SONG – Rhythm 21
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Transcript
Jason's Illness and Podcasting Struggles
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, you're, yeah.
00:00:21
Speaker
How's it going, Jason? I can barely speak. I'm so ill, Miss Elizabeth. It's been such a rough week. Yes, Miss Elizabeth, while you've been out gallivanting and smilting, having your fun, I've been confined to my sick bed in the sick chambers. I noticed that you were complaining earlier this week, quite a few days ago.
00:00:46
Speaker
I thought maybe you had recovered a little bit. As you can tell, I have not. I am upright, but that is about it. This show is a pressing burden on these weary shoulders, Miss Elizabeth. I gotta tell you, we're doing a show even though I'm in no state to do it. The demands of this show embodied in you, Miss Elizabeth. You went through the sick anti-chamber into the sick parlor.
00:01:17
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, if you would not interrupt my description of the sick architecture of my abode. Did you hear that somebody in the audience is even sick? People are coughing. They're here enjoying themselves. The guy in the audience with the chronic cough, he doesn't let that slow him down one bit. Well, I guess he's more of a man than I am, Miss Lismith, because I am barely coherent.
00:01:41
Speaker
You do not have to bring masculinity into it. Let's be honest about this whole situation. We are doing a podcast. We aren't doing a marathon. We aren't building a house, okay?
Revisiting Old Segments - Audience Suggestions
00:01:54
Speaker
We aren't roofing. We aren't even plumbing. No, we're not doing anything productive, Miss Elizabeth.
00:01:59
Speaker
I'm just saying, we're podcasting. You're sitting here, you're talking. Let's just get the... I can barely see straight, Miss Elizabeth. I told you, these weary shoulders. Okay. The burden of the shoulder. Well, I am sorry. And yet I am here. We will deliver what we can.
00:02:14
Speaker
Uh, dear listener friend, thanks so much for checking us out today. We're, we're going to like, I had such high hopes last week for this week's show. We had some fun ideas of stuff we were going to present, but these weary bones, miss Elizabeth, they're going to need another week to recover. So what we're going to do is I'm going to throw the gates open again.
00:02:34
Speaker
to the wide world by a break in Smilton. We're going to say go ahead and send in your picks because we know to hear old segments in Smilton who want to hear. And you know what? Oh, here comes here that as soon as we offer, then sometimes nonsense floods in.
00:02:52
Speaker
The options come flying in, so there's just... Yeah, so we're gonna have to pick the one that we want. If you're listening in, smile, then stop. Stop it. Stop standing stuff into the shelf. I'm gonna open this one up. This came through the pneumatic tube from somebody. Why don't we just talk about me being sick for 45 minutes? I think that would be better than Nerda Wells chiming in with this. Do you have anything more to say about your sick bed?
Accusations Against Smilton Community Theater
00:03:12
Speaker
I told you about the sick chambers.
00:03:18
Speaker
sick auntie room i think that pretty much covers the sick parlor all right i'm gonna read this letter it says sorry you're sick it's a real shame i'm all broken up about it oh i am too by the way jason spare me everybody spare me okay i think everybody is half my problem
00:03:34
Speaker
If you're done complaining, please play Mailbag from the August the 12th, 2021 episode of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour number 242. And it was called There is Decorum. Is there not? Yeah.
00:03:49
Speaker
That's the spiritual forebear of this show, Miss Liz. But this person wants us to go way back into the archives. Because they've been a fan for that long, and as has most everybody in, Smiles and all Smiltonians. They're telling me to shut up, so I'm not really appreciating that. They're asking you to quote enough belly aching. Oh, really? End quote. Oh, well, let's get right to their pick then.
00:04:11
Speaker
on the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. The mailbag was the very first fun time comedy capering segment that we introduced and I regret it to this day because the mail pours in, the mailbag gets full to burst and every so often we have to relieve that pressure lest it go all over the place. Yeah well okay so what actually happens is that I get some emails and I get some postcards and some paper letters and
00:04:35
Speaker
you know, they're questions usually for the show, sometimes for me, but usually for you. And so I read them, the ones that are, you know, I choose the best ones. Talk about putting a brave face on. Miss Elizabeth, you know the kind of crank missives, the bizarre rantings. I do. The thousand page screeds written in a language that no one knows. The internet's a jungle, Jason.
00:04:56
Speaker
It is, Miss Elizabeth. So, reluctantly, I have consented to doing my bit to answer some of the questions that have come in through the mail. Yeah, I have to admit, I never actually asked for your... No, I just, I just... ...consent on this. If you think I have anything to do with the way this show gets structured, you're laughing. I sit down, I see what we're gonna do, and I wince because I know the pain that's coming up for me. So, Miss Elizabeth, why don't you read the first letter?
00:05:19
Speaker
All right. Dear Miss Elizabeth, care of the smile syndicate laughing hour. That's close. That was close. I am writing to you reluctantly as I wish circumstances were otherwise, but basic human decency implores me to act. I don't like the sound of this one. It's already sounding like a complaint. Some time ago, your co-host,
00:05:42
Speaker
Yes. That's you Jason. Present. Engaged in some scurrilous and unconscionable accusations. You are often making accusations. Miss Elizabeth, any accusations I hurl are well-founded.
00:05:58
Speaker
directed towards the Smilton Community Theater Organization. And here we go. Okay. If the damage done by these thoughtless words hadn't been so severe, I would be inclined to write off Jason's statements as the rantings of a dull-witted madman.
00:06:15
Speaker
As things stand, however, the personal and reputational damage wrought by false claims of financial impropriety, fraudulent performances, and money laundering has been appalling, and I'm afraid that it's time for Jason to step up and make things right. If he is unwilling or unable to do so, well then, threats are not my metier, but
00:06:39
Speaker
Let us just say that the wheels of justice may turn slow, but do not doubt that they do turn. Yours from Joffrey. Oh, Metier, huh? Yeah, Joffrey. I thought you'd crawled back into your hole where you belong. Guess what? You know what my Metier is? Doubling down. I'm going to repeat.
00:07:03
Speaker
I'm going to repeat my accusations and I'm going to make it even worse because I have learned a little more dirt on our so-called friends at this mountain community theater. Oh, don't double down right here, right now. Double down, City USA. Let's go. OK. Not only is it suspected by many of engaging in money laundering, but the... Why is this making you laugh right now? Because when you have a wheelbarrow full of dirt and someone is just begging you to shovel some their way, you can't...
00:07:32
Speaker
You can't help but smile and get to work, and that's what I'm doing, Miss Elizabeth. I've been talking to people in the community, and you wouldn't believe the faces people pull when you bring up the Smiles Community Theatre. Joffrey, I'm calling you out. You're the head money launderer. You steal groceries. That's what I heard. It's like the main complaint that you seem to have against everybody. Not me.
00:07:58
Speaker
Lance also hurls that accusation, a well-founded accusation at at Mitch Winchell. Yes. But apparently we have a little club going on because this Joffrey is also a member. Plus, I don't think no one in town in groceries. Yeah. So how does this work? Does does somebody leave their like the back of their car open with Elizabeth? It's a world taking one bag in. They come back out and Joffrey's running down the street with two bags of groceries. It's not a world with which I'm familiar. OK.
00:08:23
Speaker
All I can say is that there is a lot of malfeasance going on, and they're hiding behind that shield of being a community theater. No one I talked to has ever seen a community theater production in Smilton, which leads me to think- Wait, I volunteered for that community theater. Which leads me to think there is no performance going on. They sell fake tickets, they take the money, and they sit there laughing and gnawing on wieners and watermelon from their stolen groceries. Wow.
00:08:49
Speaker
Okay. So Joffrey, there you go. That's my metier. Why don't you come at me next time what you in spring stronger words because it's going to take more than a letter to the mail. All right. Shut me down. You've got to be called out,
Roller Rink Restoration and Unfair Blame
00:09:00
Speaker
Joffrey. So many questions. Stealing groceries and it's a watermelon. That's a weird one to steal.
00:09:06
Speaker
Watermelons are delicious, Miss Elizabeth. It's a celebration food. When you've pulled off a scheme, when you've pulled off the big score in the grocery sweepstakes, nothing like a watermelon to celebrate. You can only hold one watermelon. Two hands, two big chunks. Dear Miss Elizabeth, I am writing in to thank you once again for all your efforts towards helping us restore the Smiles and Roller Rink.
00:09:30
Speaker
What? OK, the charity auction you hosted was a smashing success. This Jason doesn't directly involve you yet, so you can listen. I think that's the problem. OK, we raised one point two million dollars and we're looking to do the whole thing again. Your wit, charm and kindness have made you the face of our campaign. And when Roller Derby returns to Smilton, it will be largely down to you.
00:09:57
Speaker
On the other hand, the absence of your co-host, despite his previous words of support, rankled, they're upset about this, Jason. And I'm afraid to say that once the Smiles and Roller Rink door opens its doors, Jason will not be welcome. You know, these are just sore feelings. I think they'll get over it. But this says, thank you once again from Samuel, head man of the Smiles and Roller Rink Restoration Action Squad.
00:10:22
Speaker
Ms. Elizabeth, I am flummoxed. I have no idea. The R-R-R-A-S. Yeah. The RAS. I don't know where the R-R-A-S, Ms. Elizabeth. Get it right. You're the face of the roller rink restoration. Don't make me laugh, Ms. Elizabeth. Whatever efforts you contributed to that, I applaud you for. What I am scandalized by is that I had no clue any of this was going on. I am scandalized that I wasn't invited and now I'm getting blamed. This is an outrage.
00:10:49
Speaker
you know i i have been forwarding you all of these invites forwarding yes i've been i got not one letter i got not one telegram miss elizabeth did you open up your email on the no okay that might be when
00:11:04
Speaker
Foghorn I bet foghorn was there right foghorn was right there with you and join the reaction take some actions here to restore your How am I supposed to know invites come through? Now you are now aware of what has taken place. I've been tricked. I've been bamboozled I suspect foul play here miss listen make your apologies and you can get back in the
00:11:24
Speaker
Hey the Smilton roller rink restoration action squad send proper invites next time I expect properly printed engraved invitations for something this special You got to be classy is sending out is sending out email invites like some kind of teenage bush party Give me a break king of Smilton. I am NOT Miss Elizabeth, but there is decorum is there not I
00:11:45
Speaker
Apparently, this is a special thing. We're storing the Smilaton roller rink and and and cheapening cheapening the festivities with crummy emails off-putting. OK, most people are just good with emails nowadays. I almost don't want the roller rink back. This is the way it's going to be. OK, dear, the Smilason music hour. Loving the show. You guys have been on a roll lately. OK, you haven't mentioned the astounding ad in a while. Any updates about Smilaton's finest chef from your pal,
Disappointment with Astounding Ed's Career Shift
00:12:11
Speaker
Amy?
00:12:11
Speaker
Well, Amy, thanks for writing in. And that's why I think you just stumbled right into the problem right there. The Astounding Ed. How does Amy think of the Astounding Ed as a chef, as a dealer in food? Yeah, he's recently, you know, he's he's the top chef in Smilethit. Yeah.
00:12:26
Speaker
And that's and that's the tale of my disappointment. He's Watson's celebrity chef, you might say. And he's a magician in the kitchen, Jason. Oh, right. Yeah. Finally, we're three minutes in to talk about the Astounding Ed before the word magician comes up. And that's a problem. Dear listener friend, if you weren't listening last month, I told you the whole tale about how my life coach Jerry got his hands on the Astounding Ed and turned his life around through through a winding tale that you can go revisit.
00:12:53
Speaker
By the way, he's not complaining. Like, he's pretty happy with the result. He's confused. The man is confused, Ms. Elizabeth. He's not confused. He's completely at his wits end, Ms. Elizabeth, because he's got a lot of voices telling him the wrong things. I told you all about how he had that network TV special. He established himself as the greatest magician in the history of the world.
00:13:09
Speaker
The fact that he has so much fun cooking, catering with his girlfriend, and people got in his ear and said, you should not focus on magic so much, but focus on cooking instead. He apparently loves doing it. You can see what a tragic story this is. So much wasted potential. Amy, I'll thank you not to bring it up again because it makes me sad inside to think about what the astounding Ed could be achieving if he was sharing his wonder on the stage of magic and not with food.
00:13:37
Speaker
Okay, this is so, so negative. So Amy, basically the update is... You're right, it's negative. The astounding Ed is doing awesome. He's starting out his chef business now in Smileton. Yeah. And he's becoming very successful and he certainly is very well known in part because of his TV special in which he was a magician, but also... Oh, a stepping stone.
00:14:00
Speaker
Yeah, but he became a legend, but he threw it away. OK, so who thinks to do that? So the update is he's doing great. Amy, thanks for your letter. Rapping with the kids. OK, ready for a section called Rapping with the Kids? Rapping with the kids are going to sit down. The kids, the kids of Smilton and I are just going to sit on the floor. We're going to sit cross legged. We're just going to rap at each other. We're going to get real about life. These elementary students have a bunch of questions and I'm going to answer the machine gun style.
00:14:23
Speaker
OK, so they're they're writing them and they're expecting answers from you. So here's the first one. I'm expecting to give it. Yo, yo, what's cracking gangsters? Are you fixing to be pranked? Oh.
00:14:33
Speaker
Prank Squad X got you in its sights. Oh, no. Pop, and now you've done been pranked. Oh, no. Well, we've told you- What does that mean? I can read between the lines, Miss Elizabeth, and we gotta watch our back here. Prank Squad X is setting its sights on our show. These grade five kids have a long storied history of doing incredibly elaborate, very impactful pranks on people. Why are they still in grade five?
00:15:00
Speaker
What do you mean, still in grade five, they're working through the system, Miss Elizabeth? What is Mr. Gene Emerson's grade five class for life? Later broskis? This has got that kid's Skyler's fingerprints all over it. Yeah, shouldn't they be in grade six now? Miss Elizabeth, are you asking to get- Are you daring them to prank this show? We gotta move on. We gotta move on. Stop, Miss Elizabeth.
00:15:21
Speaker
Pate more attention. We're just joking around with you. You're a good kid. You and your buddies, you're good pranksters. You don't want to prank a little show like us. Why don't you pull a prank on your parents and actually do your homework for once? Well, prank Miss Elizabeth. Don't prank me. It's her. Prank our studio audience better yet.
00:15:41
Speaker
My brother and I have to go visit my grandma once a month. We spend the day there and she plays terrible music the whole time. I want to throw up all over the place when she plays that stuff. How can I tell her to stop it without hurting her feelings? My brother loves death metal, so he has no problem with it. Oh, Ken, I feel for you.
00:16:02
Speaker
So grandma's playing death metal. Yeah, nothing worse than going over to grandma's grandma's place and never play a bunch of music you don't want to hear. But she must have had an amazing summer then with the death metal festival here in Smilton. Yeah. So you can you can see the problems the kid is having. I feel for them. I feel for the youngster. Nothing much you can do, kid. Maybe get some ear earplugs and tell your granny to turn that racket down once in a while.
00:16:25
Speaker
Yeah, it can be a little overwhelming, I think, even if you're a death metal fan. I think I think it's time to mix it up a little bit, Grandma. Oh, well, that's that's soft. That's soft advice, Miss Elizabeth, but it's better than nothing. My friends and I stole my teacher's car keys and made copies. Copies of the car keys. Yeah, that's awesome. We're thinking of either driving the car into the tar pits or racing it across country over to Pickle Hills. Which idea is better?
00:16:54
Speaker
Hmm. That's a good. That's one of the better questions we've ever received. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Usually when people drive a car over the tarpets, they're not hoping that it'll sink, but it often does. Plan is to sink this, sink it like a sub. Okay. So yeah, I don't know. Driving into the tarpets is always good. It's always, it's always good for a laugh. But the cross country thing over to Pickle Hills, you can imagine the state of that car once it gets there. We all smashed up. I'm going to remind everyone. Go with your heart. I don't know. There's no bad answer here.
00:17:21
Speaker
OK, I'm going to remind everyone that it's illegal to drive if you do not have a license. And if you're in grade five, yes, you don't have a driver. Stop making lists of the stuff that's wrong or illegal with this. Yes, you can't drive when you're underage. You can't be stealing cars. It's destruction of property.
00:17:38
Speaker
But where does fun factor in this hard-hearted balance sheet of yours? We haven't even mentioned the theft, you know, and the making copies and handing them out. Yeah, yeah. Miss Elizabeth, we can get hung up on the details all day long. There's a lot. What is the spirit of this question asked? I mean, do what your heart tells you, kid. Sorry to be a wet blanket here. My dad makes us watch The Goonies every weekend, and I'm totally sick of it.
The Goonies: Nostalgia vs. Monotony
00:18:01
Speaker
last time he was watching it and he was so happy and he just goes, doesn't watching this make you feel like a kid again? And I'm all, we are a kid, dingus. Well, kid, you can always tune out, you know, the 15th time through the Goonies, you probably know the movie pretty good already. Yeah, I was going to say, oh, I feel like watching the Goonies again, but every weekend again is too much. Yeah. People are going to accept. Don't kids have devices nowadays as they can secretly watch other stuff? Just do that. Stop complaining.
00:18:30
Speaker
Put some earbuds in your ear and listen to this podcast instead. Yeah, that's a good idea. There you go. Social studies is boring. I'm in grade five and I've had all the social that I can take. I think that I'm just going to hang out in the smoking room instead of wasting my time coloring maps. How do you like that?
00:18:50
Speaker
thumbs up the smoking room yeah smoking room the smoking room the smoking room where the kids go to smoke miss elizabeth what's the smoking room you you went to school at some point miss elizabeth did you not you didn't have a smoking room but there wasn't mine there was a teacher's lounge which might have had smoking in it back way back a long time ago was a semi-covered courtyard with dried gum everywhere the concrete was filthy and that's where you went outside to smoke wow so kid utilize that smoking room
00:19:20
Speaker
Wow, I don't know where you are, but that's going to set you up for life way more than coloring. Some dumb map is, you know, if you buy an Atlas, the maps are already colored. You're out of a job if you think you're going to be coloring maps for the rest of your life. OK, so smoking. Don't do that. Drinking. Don't do that. Driving cars, copying teachers car keys.
00:19:38
Speaker
Well, Miss Elizabeth- I mean, this sounds very boring, but there's fun things you can do without breaking the law. Miss Elizabeth, a close reading of this question indicates that the kid just wants to hang out in the smoking room. Doesn't say they necessarily want to smoke themselves. But once again, I say, kid, do whatever. Whatever the cool option is, do it.
00:19:56
Speaker
Phil, I don't know if I'm helping these kids or not right now. My friends and I bet on basketball with each other and I don't know anything about it. I guess that's about basketball or about betting. I owe my friend $10 and my mom is mad.
00:20:12
Speaker
She went to yell at my friend for taking advantage of me but my dog's been pooping everywhere lately and she stepped in some in her bare feet and my friend started laughing and she just told us to go play in the park or something.
Kid's Gambling Adventure and Uncertain Debts
00:20:25
Speaker
Do I still have to pay my friend the 10 bucks? Wow.
00:20:29
Speaker
Depends how you want to go with this kid if you made a bet you gotta you gotta honor you gotta honor the agreements So if you if you made a bad choice you owe ten bucks either pay you go double or nothing on the next week's games That's what I suggest to you kid double or nothing. You might as well learn to gamble now do it young It's when you're talking small when you're talking chump change You can afford to lose ten bucks wait till you're older if you start trying to learn how to gamble when you're dealing with like mortgage sized
00:20:54
Speaker
dollar amounts, that's when you can run into trouble if you don't know what you're doing. So you best learn now. I'm going to say, don't gamble either. Just boring, Miss Elizabeth. Just slam the door on everything, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. I want to learn how to fly a biplane and my parents aren't letting me. What's the best way to learn how to fly those behind my parents' backs? I'd just love to swoop down on them during their next barbecue in a biplane and I would be all LOL roasted.
00:21:21
Speaker
My heart, Miss Elizabeth. It is so warm. The spirited kids of Smilton. This is tremendous. Is this like a picture of your childhood? Is this how you feel? Is this little Jason? This isn't even a question. I'm just going to answer this with a grin and a gentle shaking of the head. Oh, you kids, you rap scallions. Go live your lives. OK, I'm an effing kid.
00:21:48
Speaker
And I effin' love rock music, and I'm telling all my little classmates to effin' support Lance, Brox, Goin' Snake, when they play at the Smiles in Battle of the Band, signed from some effin' rock lovin' little kid. I think this is from Lance. I think that he found some kind of loophole. How did he get this in here?
00:22:09
Speaker
That doesn't sound like Lance at all, Miss Elizabeth. Can he not say anything without saying F-ing? Because it's like a signature. I don't know what you're talking about. He's not anonymous. This is from Lance. No, this sounds like a 10-year-old kid who just happens to love rock music and has the right nose for what's cool in the world of new rock. And that's Lance Brock's Goin' Snake, the greatest F-ing rock band of all time. We're going to be destroying the bands soon enough. I'd be giving you updates on other ones.
00:22:35
Speaker
You have to come. Kid, I'm glad you're a fan. Make sure you join the fan club. It's only 300 bucks a year. We'll send you the details out. Well, kids will set up a... What do you get for that? You get a patch that you can sew onto your jean jacket. You get a tattoo that you can apply. And you get a certificate that says, I'm an effing member of the greatest effing rock army fan club in the effing world. Go eff yourself if you think otherwise.
00:23:03
Speaker
It's the Goin' Snake fan squad. Okay. All right, well, that's, I'm out. That's all I've got. Well, Miss Elizabeth, informative as always. Mailbag, always spurs spirited discussion. Yeah. Keep sending those questions in. You kids, you smile to people, you people. Hold stuff from weary bones.
00:23:22
Speaker
from weary bones. Well, at least my bones are weary. Come on, now. I bet you that comedy has peped you up a little bit. Oh, just a little, Miss Elizabeth. Yes, it does. We always say how much of a health benefit this show is for dear listener friends. So maybe I should take some of our advice for myself and imbibe the goodness. You should. You know what else helps? Huh? Music.
00:23:42
Speaker
oh well let me reach over to the Smilton radio let's tune something in okay i'm gonna find a station and oh i think we've got something here to listen to she said hi when i said bye one of my favorites let's listen
00:24:12
Speaker
She said aye when I said bye She said smile when I said cry She said don't when I said cry She said run when I said fly She said when I said
00:24:38
Speaker
She said when I She said come when I said go She said too when I said fall She said move but I don't know She said thus when I said go She said when I
00:25:12
Speaker
She said when I
00:26:14
Speaker
She said smile when I said cry She said don't when I said cry She said run when I said cry She said when I said cry
00:27:22
Speaker
She said hi when I said bye, but by the smile syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. Nice. And yes, so that music is available on all streaming platforms. Is that right? It is Miss Elizabeth. It's part of the banana.
00:27:36
Speaker
Never mind. Don't listen to me. We just gotta have more chiming in from people. Well, they didn't know. It takes a while for the message to arrive. Yeah. This thing just seems to... So there's a few... there's a few that have been arriving. So we have some options. We can either go in order or we could choose the best one. I think we could... What's the matter?
00:28:02
Speaker
I think we can put those in the garbage in the order that we received them. I think we gotta be fair.
00:28:10
Speaker
OK, let's ask for people to stop sending things in. I think that's a good idea. Yeah, because OK, so let me grab one. OK, make sure it's the first one. OK, I don't know if it's the first one. Let's just see. It looks like a good one, though, because it's addressing me. OK, here's what it says. Miss Elizabeth, I love this whole audience pics thing. Jason, I have to say I like this audience pics thing. Yeah.
00:28:35
Speaker
We should have way more say in how the show runs. That's a terrible idea. Would probably tighten things up around there. Tighten things up. I don't know about tighten things up, but it definitely changes things up. Yeah. Which is always good. Things are tight enough around here.
00:28:51
Speaker
Make the show better, you know, anyways. Just throwing ideas out there. Anyways, play, if you would, the New Year's resolution update from the I'm not going whole hog on the infamy thing, which I believe if memory serves and I could be mistaken. You know what? You didn't have to type all this out. Yeah, no kidding. You didn't have to type one character of that out. It was episode 232 and first aired July 8th, 2021. Let's listen.
00:29:20
Speaker
We got a huge important update to do here. It is July. It is. We're more than halfway through the year. We are. So we need to find out how we've been sticking with our resolutions. Exactly. We shot our mouths off in January, but guess what? We're keeping each other honest. We made way too many resolutions. Hundreds of resolutions. So we're going to go through some of them, check in on how we're doing. Miss Elizabeth, I'm going to start off this time. All right. I'm going to ask you how you're doing currently on this resolution. And I think I can hazard a guess because it sounds ridiculous.
00:29:48
Speaker
Ridiculous to me. Here's the resolution you made Rain or shine make sure it's a sunny day. That's right. Jason. The Sun is a jukebox after all Oh, you're telling me that's right. It's sunny even if it's nighttime It's sunny somewhere and even if it's cloudy the Sun is still there above the clouds So basically you're just sitting on the couch looking out the window and you can just mentally decide. Well, that's one resolution down Yeah, that sounds easy to me miss Elizabeth. Check mark. Why don't you why don't you just make a resolution?
00:30:16
Speaker
just play with the check mark machine and make a bunch of check marks. And that's, you know, I think that's a great idea. It would be like a custom stamp of like an awesome check mark. I would get gold flecked ink and just check them all off. Your trajectory Miss Elizabeth is in the wrong direction. Straight up into the sky. You're trending to Folly. Folly is your
00:30:36
Speaker
Okay, well, let's hear if you have any folly here with your with your resolutions Yeah, here's yours. This is crazy get a bunch of tattoos even though I don't want them. Yep. What? Yeah, I yeah Frickin get it done. So you don't want tattoos, but you're gonna go and do it anyway. Yeah
00:30:56
Speaker
You're just putting yourself into a very high conflict. It's difficult, it's expensive, it's going to be time consuming. I don't even want to do it. But look at the result. It got done anyway. Don't forget the time and money you have to put into getting them removed afterwards. Oh, that's not a resolution I'm worrying about this year, Miss Elizabeth. That might be for next year. Like remove all my tattoos even if I want some of them. That's a good idea. I think we've got to kick off 2022 with that one.
00:31:21
Speaker
So yeah, that's... Miss Elizabeth. Willpower. Get it done. Resolutions are supposed to be difficult. You're not supposed to want to do them. You don't sit in a flowery meadow and look at the sun and go, oh, I'm just going to think about clouds. Oh, that's a resolution. I do. Oh boy. Well, that one is a firewalk compared to the one I see before me that I have to check in about.
00:31:44
Speaker
Try a little cosplay. I'm doing it right now, Jason. That's why I look here like a water mage out of World of Warcraft. It's one of my favorite cosplays. I wasn't Miss Elizabeth. I thought we agreed that we weren't going to mention that. Well, I mean, you mentioned my cosplay. So yes. Well, that's just coincidence. This segment was prepared before you came straight into Smile Syndicate Studio wearing that ridiculous get up.
00:32:06
Speaker
Have my awesome bracers on. I have, like, a tiara thing that gives me plus 70 to something. Well, go to Comic-Con and impress people there, because quite frankly, Miss Elizabeth, you're making my head spin with that. You don't like it? I don't like it. Oh. I don't know why you're pretending to be a magical, magical entity. OK, well, here's something magical you tried to do, or maybe you did. Hunker down and get serious about pickles. Yeah, it's enough dancing around the point. Let's get going.
00:32:35
Speaker
What do you mean? What do you mean? What do I mean? I mean, what do you freaking get a bunch of pickles? Yeah, sit down and just get to work. What does that mean? Eat them. What do you mean? What do I do with
Jason's Pickle Resolution
00:32:48
Speaker
them? What else do you do with pickles? I don't know, but just because you're serious about them doesn't mean you have to eat them. This resolution did not actually say you had to eat them. So you had an easy out there. Elizabeth, any time I say hunker down, it usually means eat something.
00:33:02
Speaker
Because it's not going to be a walk in the park eating the volume of pickles I'm thinking of. It sure isn't. It's a bit smelly, too. And plus, another resolution. Difficult. And imagine the joy of being successful with that one. So yeah, this is what resolutions are supposed to be. Struggle, victory, rapture. OK.
00:33:21
Speaker
And here's yours, which is strike three and you're out, because this one doesn't touch any of those. Start learning a new language. OK, well, I am starting to learn a new language, and it's the language of the animals about Smilton that do talk. Usually, we know that they speak in English sometimes, but not all of them do. They have some other kinds of language. So I have started to network with them and to start to develop the basis for this language.
00:33:50
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I don't even know where to start with that. I'm doing a thing with the hyper-intelligent, super-intelligent, super-naturally intelligent animals of Smalton. We do have clever animals in town. Mr. Cherry's can solve algebra problems all day long. Granny the goat, integral calculus, no problems. Blueberry,
00:34:10
Speaker
Yeah. He does it. He uses his brawn. He's the world's strongest donkey. And so the Oscar, the sports betting dog, I don't deny any of those great critters, their abilities. Yeah. But to tell me that they're sitting around smoking pipes, talking to each other, that's fanciful. You've been you've been indulging this mild and wind for quite a while, Miss Elizabeth. I don't know any animals that smoke pipes. So so that's you're right about that. OK, you're starting to talk again. Have you started to dabble with infamy? Yeah.
00:34:40
Speaker
I'm dabbling. You're dabbling with infamy. Can you describe? What does that mean? So that's one of your resolutions. Dabbled with infamy. Okay. What does that mean? You know what infamy means. You get a reputation for being notorious. Okay. A reputation for being notorious. Okay. That's my understanding of the term is Elizabeth. So I'm going to dabble in that. I'm going to explore, be a bit of the bad boy, see how it goes. Okay. Do you have an outfit? No.
00:35:03
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, the infamy I'm thinking of, it's like you could be walking down the street and you wouldn't even know that guy's infamous, but if you knew, you would know that that person is. I think you need a cloak or a cape or like a trench coat or something like that. I'm not going whole hog on the infamy thing. I'm dabbling. We'll see how it goes. I'm taking a page out of your book. I'm dipping my toe in the water. If I don't like it, that's okay. I've got 8,000 other resolutions to worry about.
00:35:28
Speaker
Get active in the amateur astronomy community. Okay, I have been doing that and the way I'm doing that is that I am making them raise crispy squares for their evening outings. Leave it to Miss Elizabeth. Miss Elizabeth, that is not the way I thought that was actually kind of semi-okay as resolutions go. Okay, no, no, no. Okay, so I need to be clear that I am cutting them in shapes of stars and moons.
00:35:52
Speaker
No, that doesn't help. Some diamonds. So your involvement with the amateur astronomy community does not involve a telescope. Well, no, it does. I mean, I do also. Does it involve imaging the heavens above? Sure. But I'm also like my primary. Not with pastry.
00:36:09
Speaker
It's not a pastry, it's Rice Krispies, it's marshmallows, butter, a little salt, sometimes vanilla. You had an idea and you could have done something positive there, Miss Lisbeth. Maybe you could have discovered a black hole or something. Let me tell you, Jason, I take a Tupperware container full of that stuff and it comes back empty. Hopeless. And Bird loves it and so does Mr. Cherries. Don't even bring up Bird. I do bring some apples for Mr. Cherries.
00:36:32
Speaker
That's not fulfilling the resolution in any respect, Miss Elizabeth. He gets hungry, though. Hit me with one. All right. Have you done this one? OK, start a rude. I don't like how this is starting, Jason. Start a rude t-shirt business that gets famous when some dumb kid gets kicked out of school for wearing one of my shirts.
00:36:51
Speaker
See, I figured out the key to like a short circuit marketing plan is to get a dumb kid to do something and have it go viral online. So I'll just print up a rude t-shirt and I haven't decided what the phrase is going to be, but it's going to be fairly foul. OK, give us an idea. I'm not giving you an idea. No, because then someone else prints up the t-shirt and I'm done. OK, but, you know, let's just know something. You would look at the t-shirt and you would go.
00:37:16
Speaker
Well, one, gross that you're wearing, and two, who would think of that? And three, why would you put that on a t-shirt? And four, I've got to go wash my eyes out. That's what I want to do. And I want, yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I'll be selling the shirts and you can have a 10 percent off coupon on the way out of studio if you promise to buy one. So I'm a businessman, too, Miss Elizabeth. So have you done this or are you just talking a big game? I'm talking.
00:37:44
Speaker
That is rich. Coming from you. I started rude t-shirt business. I've got... I've started it. How? I've got a name. Okay. Rude T's.
00:37:57
Speaker
Rude tees. Yeah. Rude tees. Yeah. Rude tees. Yes. Rude. Rude tees. It's catchy. It's hard to say. I'd say that's practically started right there. Let's put a green check mark out of your check mark machine right by that one. All right. Oh, here's a good one.
00:38:15
Speaker
act like a tourist in my own town. I do this almost every day. So you wander around confused and ask people for directions. Is that is that the game here? When I'm confused, I'm not like sad or distressed or afraid. I'm like, you know, curious. You are interested. Yeah. Well, you can you can act confused. Yes. In your own town, you just ask people for information. They're usually very happy to provide it.
00:38:38
Speaker
This sounds like a grotesque psychology experiment where the people of Smileton are that you're unwitting guinea pigs. You just be open with people. You just kind of like walk down the street and be like, oh, what's going on here? Well, that kind of stuff is not for me. All right. Well, how about maybe this is for you. I really haven't debunked enough stuff lately. Fix that. Yeah, I've been sloughing on the debunking.
00:39:03
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, I told you, silence yourselves. I don't want to hear one more peep out of you. I'm pretty tired today, but that doesn't mean I can't leap up like a panther and grab that fire hose and hose the lot of you right on out of here. So the phrase, I really haven't debunked enough stuff lately, isn't really a resolution.
00:39:23
Speaker
Fix that. Fix that is a resolution. Yeah, the resolution has two pieces, Miss Elizabeth. You can't just break it up and you can't mix and match the words that I that I gave you. I just find that this one's really thoughtful. Like, I really haven't debunked enough stuff. Oh, Jason's thoughtful. Something must be wrong. Yeah, weird. I used to debunk all the time. Debunk what? I was at bunk.
00:39:47
Speaker
I was debunking like a maniac, a lot of bunk got blown up, people saw that it was bunk, people saw that it was folly, people saw that it was falderall, and I haven't been doing it lately and you can just read the papers and see what the result is. Yeah, so you're just letting bunk fly basically.
00:40:04
Speaker
everywhere. It's like a fungus. Bunk fungus. Bunk fungus. So fix that resolution. You try to gainsay it and I say stay out of my way. Okay. New Year's resolution update. In the books, that's the update. What other podcast is as honest, is as hard hitting as this person to get used to. We're both trying pretty hard, I think. I'm trying pretty hard. You're just dancing through the summertime breezes with these easy resolutions. That's my resolution, Jason.
00:40:30
Speaker
that's that's no resolution that's what that's what success looks like on my side the only resolution i see you working at is make jason nuts and that well that's not a resolution that i would mention today but it does seem to be working new year's resolutions you have monitored and adjudicated right here on hellos mountain entertaining and
Podcast Resolutions and Assumptions
00:40:52
Speaker
informative informative and it's a reminder of firing this reminder too because those are still our current resolutions everything's a work in progress but that's how you got to treat yourself you gotta you gotta be striving for continual improvement
00:41:06
Speaker
Are you striving currently to improve, Jason? I'm trying to arouse myself from the sick bed, if that's what you mean, yes. You know what? You should have listed this exact activity as one of your resolutions. I didn't think I'd be sick. Neither one of us has put podcasting consistently as one of our New Year's resolutions, but it should be because we do intend to do it and we usually succeed in doing it. Those are table stakes, Miss Elizabeth.
00:41:29
Speaker
Not currently in your current state. I'm here aren't I? I'm in front of a microphone. There is new content in this show one way or the other. But you're acting like you're at the Olympics or something. The Olympics. Okay. The Olympics only happens once a year. I got to show up every freaking week to this thing. Yeah. So yeah spare me you pole vaulter.
00:41:50
Speaker
Should make a muscle. You should make a muscle and like show yourself how strong you are. I got nothing to show anybody right now, Miss Elizabeth. I got a retreat under the covers of the sick bed and the sick chambers. You gotta tighten it up. Recover my strength and return better than ever. Become fibrous. Fibrous. I don't even know. Miss Elizabeth, you're throwing words at me. You're confusing me now. I think we gotta play some song to sort these troubles away. I think we need something rhythmic. Rhythm 21. Let's listen.
00:42:18
Speaker
So,
00:43:38
Speaker
Oh, oh
00:44:43
Speaker
Rhythm 21. I have a smile syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. Have you been peped up? Smileton's own, Miss Elizabeth. And yeah, I've been peped up somewhat. Good. Enough to scurry on back to the sick bed. OK. Where I will return with renewed vigor. Dear listener friend, I can promise you that. Probably an equal amount of complaining, but it will be done with much more pep and verve. OK. No doubt about it. An all new episode of Hello, Smileton is headed your way. Mark the calendar.
00:45:12
Speaker
It should be easy. It's Monday. That's when it's coming. Every Monday. Every Monday. It's going to keep on rolling. The happy train's going to keep on chugging down the line. We're happy you're joining us for it. We're looking forward to capering for you all over again next week. I think I'll maybe have an award for you or something. Hey, now you're talking. I'll bake you a cake or something like that. I'm thinking more like a trophy in a sash.
00:45:36
Speaker
A trophy and a sash, okay. Yeah, because the heroism on display today is not to be gainsaid. What color is it? Is it a gold sash? Whatever you want. Do what your heart tells you, sash-wise. All right. Well, this one's done, Miss Elizabeth. It's been fun. Take us out.
00:45:54
Speaker
That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smilton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smilton, so spread the word. Make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember friend, the sun is the jukebox.