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It Ain't The 50s Anymore, Pal
43 Plays9 months ago
The vexatious puzzle that has been plaguing this show for months has finally been solved. Listen for yourself to this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, and hear for yourself how we have increased the Entertainment Density of this show a thousandfold.
Miss Elizabeth and Jason are broadcasting from Smileton and the near-Absolute Zero temperatures outside have not cooled down their comedy and musical capering down one single bit.
The Smileton of the past is explored as we dust off the pages of history to explore THIS WEEK IN SMILETON HISTORY. We also get you where you need to be by providing the latest SMILETON TRAFFIC REPORT.
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT not only pays the bills but also points you at the Smileton small business you need to check out for quality goods and/or services and in the thrilling finale, our hosts keep each other honest about their resolutions in the first NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION UPDATE of 2024.
Add a couple of songs by the Smileton band THE SMILE SYNDICATE to an already jam-packed show and the result will continue to dazzle you long after you've finished listening.
HELLO, SMILETON. You Won't Believe A Single One Of Your Senses.
Show Timestamps:
2:39 This Week In Smileton History
9:40 Smileton Traffic Report
16:19 SONG – Rasputin
20:52 Paid Advertisement – Garbage Catapult Emporium
28:01 New Year's Resolution Update
39:43 SONG - (Maniac) From (Beyond Time)
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Transcript
Podcast Introduction
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smiles, and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you. Live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, the podcasting capital of the world. I am ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason.
Weather Talk and Comedy's Warmth
00:00:18
Speaker
But oh my goodness, it is so cold here. Smiles is so cold.
00:00:24
Speaker
It's cold. Why are you trivializing this? I'm not. I'm wearing about 15 different layers. It's freezing in smile syndicate age. It was freezing outside. It's ridiculous the temperature out there. The arctic blast is continuing to blast this day after day. But dear listener friend, you will find yourself warmed by the comedy and musical capering that's about to be presented to you. We're here to warm you up. Thanks dear listener friend for checking us out today.
00:00:50
Speaker
where you see we're braving the
Near Blackouts and Preparations
00:00:53
Speaker
elements here. I gotta ask you Jason, what did you experience yesterday when the power nearly went out here in Smiles? We almost had rolling blackouts here in Smiles and it didn't happen but it almost did. How did you prepare? You're making me laugh here. Did you actually pay attention to those warnings?
00:01:08
Speaker
I did. Did you forget that Smilton is on its own power grid and we have two fusion power plants? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so ignore it. We're not affected. No, we're not. We're not affected. Fusion power. That's right. The way of the future, Miss Elizabeth. Well, I, okay, so just so you know, I turned off all of the lights. Oh, perfect. And I put candles in every single room and we still had power. Why don't you go home and do that, Miss Elizabeth? Don't mess around at Smilson to get HQ. This place is a nerve center of entertainment, 24-7. It needs as much electricity as the grid
00:01:37
Speaker
Well, you know what? Even a power outage can be fun. Oh, yeah. Leave it to you. Miss Elizabeth, it's minus 800 outside. What are you talking about? I know. It really is. We're going to forget the cold. You posted on our locals. I did. Where people should be signing up and joining. We have a screenshot proving. They were calling for minus 50. Minus 50. Feels like minus 60. Minus 60. That's ridiculous. Celsius. It didn't hit there, but it's cold enough.
00:02:05
Speaker
But I'm tougher than the weather. I braved the elements and I came... What? You're not tougher than the weather. Way tougher. I came over here in jeans and cutoffs. You're not as tough as a cold winter... I mean t-shirt and a cutoff. A gentle flurry has you down and out. I'll stop it.
00:02:30
Speaker
We got a good show to deliver. Even though you may not believe it, dear listener friend, Ms. Elizabeth is definitely determined to keep us from getting to the good stuff, but we're going to do it anyway. We are. Let's just kick it off. Yeah. Let's get going here. I think we should talk about...
00:02:44
Speaker
Well, the Smilton has a long history. That's right.
Ralph Malthus's Drag Racing Legacy
00:02:48
Speaker
The history books are littered with fascinating tales, odes, and ballads of days gone by. Also boring tales, but we will not bring you those ones. I hope we're going to talk about a couple of boring ones. Only the fascinating ones. The latest this week in Smilton history. It was this week in 1955 when Smilton greaser Ralph Malthus fired up his jalopy
00:03:12
Speaker
That's right. His jalopy and competed in the very first Smiles and Saturday Night Drag Race. I think he had something to do with organizing that drag race, actually. He won his race by a mile that night, but that would not be the last time that Malthus tasted victory. Good for him. Yeah, good for him. Not really. I don't like the guy.
00:03:34
Speaker
You don't like Ralph? Okay, keep going. Oh, I won't interrupt. But yeah, I got a few things to say about this Ralph Malphus. Okay, I mean, he's, he's your senior. Not everybody loves drag racing, Ralph. It's enough. A legend was born and Malphus has competed in every Smile Since Saturday Night drag race since then right up to the present day.
00:03:52
Speaker
Yeah, no one needs that. How is he not sick of drag racing? Ralph needs that. He's not sick of it. He loves that jalopy. Trust me. He loves that thing. Week after week, decade after decade, he remains undefeated. His cherished jalopy has been right there with him, making fellow drag racers eat dust, taste smoke, and look real pretty in Malthus' rear view mirror. You see the contempt he has for the town.
00:04:19
Speaker
Well, I think it's just fun. It's like someone has a pet hobby and the rest of us have to suffer from it. Well, you're not racing. Have you raced in this race? I'm not going to drag race that guy.
Debate: Significance of Drag Racing
00:04:29
Speaker
Now an energetic 89 years young, Malphus has the same answer that he's always had when asked about when he's going to retire. I'm driving my jalopy straight into the grave. That's when I'm damn well retiring. Well said, Malphus. Well said. Yeah.
00:04:48
Speaker
1955. That's a staggeringly long time ago. He's been drag racing every Saturday night since then. He's winning consistently every single time. Give it a break. You're taking up space. You're making a lot of noise. It ain't the 50s anymore, pal.
00:05:05
Speaker
You know what? Why don't you come out and compete and you knock him off of his throne, then maybe he'll stop. Oh, I'll misread. But Saturday night is hockey night in Smilden. And that's the root of my dislike for the man. He has been very insulting towards street hockey. And there's been some contention around maybe we want to play a game or two on that road he likes to drag race on.
00:05:25
Speaker
Yeah. And he's getting pretty snotty. Well, you know, it is a different sort of race when it's in the winter versus in the summer. You do have to wear, sometimes you got to wear, you got to chain up. Yeah. Sometimes these drag racers are all chained up. Yeah. All kinds of modifications for the winter. It's not interesting, Miss Elizabeth. I find it fascinating. It should be retired. It's noisy. Just like Ralph Malthus, go take up something quieter. Well, he is retired. I mean, he's just still racing.
00:05:53
Speaker
He doesn't go to work every day. Do you see how vexing certain corners of Smilton's history are? He's a retired racer. We should leave that in the history books no one ever looks at. I think he's a Smilton treasure. Read the room, Malthus. No one cares about drag racing.
2017 Indoor T-Ball Championship
00:06:09
Speaker
It was this week in 2017 when Smilton hosted the Adult Indoor T-Ball World Championship and talked about athleticism.
00:06:19
Speaker
teams from around the globe flooded our town to prove to all in sundry who the real sporting elite really was so this was just like five years ago yeah okay yeah you remember it a little more than five years miss elizabeth is 2024 after all i mean i i picked a story from 1955 i feel like i object well good for you i picked a story that has a positive impact on this town and the sheer athleticism of watching those guys walk up to that t-ball stand and smash that ball
00:06:48
Speaker
God, it's thrilling even to think about it. T-ball is fun. Why are there adults playing T-ball though? Same reason they're playing hockey and football, Elizabeth. The joy of competition. Children's games like football or baseball were left in the school ground as these Titans walked up to the T-ball stand and blasted those balls into outer space. But not really outer space because there's their ceiling.
00:07:11
Speaker
By any metric you want to pull out, the top two teams of the 2016-17 season were the Tijuana TCBs and the Buxton Brawlers, and it was fitting that these two squads of uncaged animals faced each other for the sporting world's richest prize. Oh, boy. Yeah, you can tell I'm a little revved up about Tijuana, Miss Elizabeth. You are. Are you on a team?
00:07:32
Speaker
No, Ms. Elizabeth, I chose my path. Street hockey. Street hockey, yeah. But I look, I look and I look and wonder at my peers who are just tearing it up. Those t-ball stands don't stand a chance. Yeah, you know what? You might want to think about changing streams, sports-wise, just because you've not really had too much success on the street hockey circuit. How old do you think I am? Eight years old. It's way too late to change paths now. This is the adult indoor t-ball.
00:08:00
Speaker
Yours truly was at the game and can report that I was able to remain conscious for the first three and a half innings or so before succumbing to excess enthusiasm. I was barely there for it, Miss Elizabeth. I was freaking out the whole time. All right, maybe you shouldn't join the team.
00:08:17
Speaker
When I awoke, the TCB stood victorious, transcendent. The final tally was 652 to 589, and I can remember every hit that I was awake for like it was yesterday. It doesn't get more exciting than that, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, it sounds like everyone's a winner in this game.
00:08:37
Speaker
you can say that again we're approaching 1200 runs and that's why we go out to see tee balls just to see those runs it's rare when you can get to actually be there when sports history goes down and I count myself as one of the fortunate few to see history unfold before my eyes and I count all those who weren't there as losers because man that was an exciting game
T-Ball vs. Drag Racing: A Comparison
00:09:00
Speaker
Staggering miss Elizabeth and you see the difference in scale. I'm talking about a sporting event. No one will ever forget Yeah, everyone a lot of people around the world just know Smilton because we hosted that event And you want to talk about some guy who can't hang up the drag strip dragster thing Even though the 50s were way in that rearview mirror. He likes to brag about it up. He just keeps on winning Yeah, well, no one's interested People seem to like him
00:09:26
Speaker
This has been This Week in Smilton History. Well, Ms. Elizabeth, we crack open that history book and we learn things and some things are good to reflect back on and some other things are best shoved down the memory hole. Yeah.
00:09:41
Speaker
Well, let's jump to the present day.
Traffic Report and Icy Roads
00:09:44
Speaker
Yeah. Well, you come to this show not just for tales of days gone by, but for the up to a minute updates of what's going on out there in Smilton today, right now. On the mean streets. And well, they're particularly mean today because we're going to give you an update right now. That's right. It's the Smilton traffic report. Awesome.
00:10:02
Speaker
You're driving around right now, you're listening to the show, you're listening to your friend, you're having a good time, but you gotta stay frosty, especially if you're trying to drive around smiling these days. It's sometimes a little bit crazy out there and today is no exception. First off, it's a skating rink on Pumpernickel Parkway. Yeah. So as we mentioned earlier, it's freaking freezing outside. It is cold. Unfortunately, a milk truck has crashed into a light pole. Now there's
00:10:26
Speaker
frozen milk everywhere. Wow. So, Miss Elizabeth, you'd think people would have common sense when the temperatures is cold and just stay inside, shelter in place, just keep warm however you can. No, they decided to put on their their their toques, break out their muffs, and put on the skates and just go skating on a frozen pond of milk. Well, that's nice. That's actually that's really nice. Well, it turns something that could be negative, like a tragedy maybe.
00:10:52
Speaker
Yeah, to something that's just joyful. Uh-huh.
00:11:09
Speaker
And if you stop really fast, you make your friend just shave ice. Yeah, very funny, Miss Elizabeth. These people are taking their lives in their hands. I'm trying to issue a warning here as part of this traffic report and it's being trivialized. So don't take your car down there because you're either going to slide straight into something or knock over an iced milk skater and either way you've got better things to do with your time anyway.
00:11:30
Speaker
okay well i think that's a fun place to i think that's almost like fun things to do around town it's a danger zone waiting to happen all right traffic is snarled on sweetgrass boulevard but what's new really
00:11:41
Speaker
Yeah, that place misses, but I just avoided whenever, but now something new's happening. They just put up a traffic light.
Prank Causes Traffic Chaos
00:11:47
Speaker
They installed a new one there, so some mischievous prankster has got to work, and it's got the local commuters enraged. So, you know, you're looking at a traffic light, and there's a walk signal and a stop signal. The stop signal is a hand, and the walk signal is a human-shaped figure, giving you the thumbs up, the walk.
00:12:06
Speaker
Well, somebody replaced that human figure with a hand giving you the finger. The middle finger? The middle finger, Miss Elizabeth. Uh-oh. Some traffic is stopped in all directions, apparently, because people are jumping out of their cars and they're just screaming abuse and making rude gestures to that altered traffic signal they do, not like being insulted, Miss Elizabeth. Well, that's really- Not one- Wait! Okay, but that's really directed at the pedestrians, not at the people driving cars.
00:12:31
Speaker
Yeah, but you're driving, you see a middle finger, you're gonna slam on the brakes and you're gonna get that sign a little bit of your peace of your mind. And that's what's happening in every single direction, so there's no way anybody's getting through anywhere else. Sweetgrass Boulevard. Police are on the scene apparently, but they're apparently among those screaming the loudest at that middle finger. Well, it is a funny prank.
00:12:50
Speaker
Yeah, I agree with you, Miss Elizabeth, but I'm not there in person to get an angered at it. I can imagine the scene of hundreds of people screaming at an inanimate object is quite amusing. So if you thought that it was funny and then you actually got there in person and saw it, would you laugh or would you start shouting?
00:13:06
Speaker
I would probably laugh real hard. I think I would just be detached enough from the scene to see how ridiculous it is to be yelling at something instead of just ignoring it or reporting it to the authorities. And I'd pop that sucker open and try to fix it. I'd start tinkering. People would just stand around yelling at it. That's what I would do.
00:13:23
Speaker
Avoid the area. I don't know when it's gonna get cleaned up Uh, succotash street. It's a scene of bedlam currently It's like people forgot how to drive down there cars are pointing in every every direction fender benders everywhere. Huh? Everybody's literally what's wrong? I don't know. Nobody knows everyone's standing around yelling. Well today looks like everybody forgot how to drive
00:13:45
Speaker
so i think that's literally what's happened my science guy has a speculation though okay what's the speculation he thinks there might have been some kind of weird gas leak that's causing everyone to forget how to drive i was thinking something like that or something like a force field that you go through and it like muddles your brain a little bit i was gonna see i was already for you to start uh throwing shade on my science guy buddy
00:14:06
Speaker
My buddy, who's a science guy, he works in a science building. Haven't talked about him in a while. You're usually way too skeptical of his conclusions. But it turns out you have even fanciful things. So you don't want to throw shade, you just want to join in in the craziness. It definitely could be gas. I mean, I want to find out how does this actually end.
00:14:24
Speaker
Who knows? Avoid succotash street for the foreseeable future. One more incident to tell you about. Pranksters on the prowl. More of them this time on Sunshine Lane. Motorists who are just parking on the street to go enjoy the neighborhood scene. There's lots of cafes and nice little places to go even in this winter time. Well, people are going down there parking and they're coming back to their cars to find their cars. In the meantime, have been transformed into crushed cubes of steel and glass. Oh boy.
00:14:52
Speaker
So some pranks just got some kind of, I don't know, portable car crusher, electrical magnets set up, just hilarious. That's not funny. Well, the expressions on those people's faces are reportedly priceless. People are standing around looking like, okay, where's the TV show? Where the cameras have always been pranked here.
00:15:12
Speaker
And there's no answer. They're howling into an empty sky there. Don't know what's happening. No TV show involved. But there you go. That's what you get for parking on the sunshine. I hope that that prankster
Gas Leak Speculation
00:15:24
Speaker
gets what's coming to them because people's cars, you know, like that's important.
00:15:28
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, there's a prank. Maybe your car was substituted for a crushed car that may not be their car. Who knows, Miss Elizabeth? There may not be ever an answer. It may be a mystery you take to your demise. You never know the answer. That's unfortunate. Well, that's sort of a metaphysical end to the Smiled in Traffic report.
00:15:49
Speaker
Well, you know, we get in these places, Miss Elizabeth, where it takes a philosophical turn and we look at each other and we don't know how to continue the show in any sensible way. And that's when I reach for the radio. Yeah, I think we need some kind of a song that is going to accompany me on skates when I go down to the frozen milk. Yes, I want something that I can really boogie down to. OK, fine. Let me reach over. Let's tune in the radio.
00:16:15
Speaker
Well, that wasn't difficult to find. Rasputin! Let's go.
Musical Interlude: 'Rasputin'
00:17:16
Speaker
There is a certain man in Russia long ago He was big and strong in his eyes of flaming blue Most people looked at him with terror and with fear As a Moscow jinx he was such an ugly deer He could preach the Bible like a creature Full of ecstasy and fire But he also was the kind of teacher
00:17:42
Speaker
Raw-raw-rustbergine, lover of the Russian queen There was a cat that really was gone Raw-raw-rustbergine, Russia's greatest love machine It was a shame how he carried on
00:18:08
Speaker
He ruled the Russian land, and never mind his art. But the cars are tough, he does really vogue a bar. In all affairs of state, he was the man to be. But he was real great, when he had a girl to squeeze. For the queen, he was no wheeler dealer, though she knew the fix he'd done.
00:18:47
Speaker
But when his drinking, his lusting, and his hunger for power became known to more and more people, the demands to do something about this outrageous man grew louder and louder and louder.
00:19:23
Speaker
No doubt this right routine had lots of hidden charm
00:19:44
Speaker
Rarara's routine lover of the Russian Queen They put some poison into his wine Rarara's routine rushed his greatest love machine He drank it all and said I feel fine Rarara's routine lover of the Russian Queen They didn't quit, they wanted his head Rarara's routine rushed his greatest love machine And so they shocked him till he was dead Oh my goodness
00:20:20
Speaker
Definitely dance worthy. I think it's the best version of Rasputin that is out there currently on all streaming platforms. Even better find more smile syndicate songs on all streaming platforms. I'm sorry to interrupt your sound clip, Miss Elizabeth. No, no, that's our friend. Sam sound board guy. Sam the sound board guy. Well, you two have a conversation and I'll sit here quietly. How about that? I'm tired anyway, Miss Elizabeth. Let's listen. So Jason, talk some more. Oh.
00:20:41
Speaker
We're sputin' by the Smiles Syndicate right here on Hello, Smiles.
Controversial Advertisement
00:20:53
Speaker
Apparently you got 50 bucks. Some Smilton small business has cost up the big bucks to have a paid advertisement. You regret it. Well, you got my attention, Miss Elizabeth. This has got to be good if you don't want to read it. So I read this in advance and I got to tell you under, under, um, what's the word under? Enthusiasm? No, severe like caution. I am under protest, under duress and protest. I have a funny way to say you support this proud Smilton small business.
00:21:16
Speaker
I don't even want to anymore, Miss Elizabeth.
00:21:22
Speaker
Yeah, this is a small business. It's a paid ad, dear listener friend. It's an advertisement. They paid us 50 bucks. We're going to say whatever they want. Ms. Elizabeth has been stricken with a conscience and she doesn't want to read this ad. Spare me, Ms. Elizabeth. 50 bucks means you dance, monkey.
00:21:42
Speaker
I will. I will read it. But I have to say, this is the only small business that we know of who sends us content and is anonymous. The owner of this business is anonymous. Well, that doesn't matter. I can see it. It matters. Ms. Elizabeth, I see a business name right here and I'm quite excited for you to tell us all about it. All right. Today's episode of Hello, Smiles and is brought to you by the Garbage Catapult Emporium.
00:22:08
Speaker
That's applause. We have a studio audience here and they're sitting on their hands. Applaud. Oh come on. I can't believe it took this long for this place to open up. Boy, this town's gotten way
00:22:24
Speaker
I know you're super excited catch the wave of Canada's hottest new hobby gardening get the hell out of here Who's asked did you pull that out of no garbage catapulting Jesus I didn't read that right. It's I know you didn't miss Elizabeth. That's not yeah. It wasn't bad I could understand all the words, but you could put your heart into this
00:22:43
Speaker
Well, I'm doing my best. Humans have found joy hurling things around for millennia. When a baby first realizes they can pick up an object, what do they do? Hurl it! Where do we go wrong when we lose this childhood sense of magic and wonder? When we stop hurling things is when our childhood dies.
00:23:03
Speaker
Knock it off. No, stop. That's more a plot. Here, here. I'm going to bang this desk next. Reclaim your youth. Reclaim the spirit of adventure. You know, these are good phrases. I'm all about these phrases. Keep going.
Ethics of Garbage Catapults
00:23:16
Speaker
No, but the next one, buy a catapult from us. Load it with rancid garbage. Shoot the payload into the sky and dance and sing as it rains back down on Earth like a rain of redemption on somebody else five or six blocks over. That's right.
00:23:32
Speaker
Terrible. It's terrible. I feel ennobled. I'm sitting straighter. My outlook is sunnier. Just from these words, Miss Elizabeth. Can you imagine how I feel the next time I get my hands on a garbage catapult? Have you ever been the recipient of a garbage catapult load? I can't say I have, Miss Elizabeth. That's why you're still smiling about it. It makes me a little sad, actually, because it means the hobby hasn't taken root the way it should. Yeah, because most people sort of have an idea. Trust me, I give as good as I get.
00:24:01
Speaker
Our showroom proudly displays the latest in garbage catapults. Find the PULT. We're calling it a PULT now. That's what people in the know call it. Find the PULT that fits your style and budget and quiver with anticipation as you wait to unleash this puppy all over your neighborhood. Oh man. So the idea is you put it in your own backyard and then you just start raining garbage on your actual neighbors.
00:24:27
Speaker
Essentially, yeah, you're kind of taking the fun out of it, describing it that way. But that's in essence, yes, this is what we're discussing here. Recycle all your household waste into pure joy. Surely you can get behind that. Your powerful palt and hurl all you got into the sky. Yeah, it does talk about recycling, but I don't think it's what people normally think of as recycling.
00:24:51
Speaker
What I see is you load up your garbage catapult and every bin you put your refuse in is empty and sparkling clean. Where'd that problem go?
00:25:00
Speaker
I don't know. Someone else's yard. Recycled into the sky. I guess you could call that upcycling. Upcycling, Miss Elizabeth. I like it. Gravity does the rest, so sit back and enjoy the baffled look on your garbage collector's face when you tell them you live in a zero waste household. Miss Elizabeth, this sounds like a responsible hobby to have, leaving aside the overwhelming fun you derive from such activities.
00:25:28
Speaker
Well, I'm concerned about it. Kids can get in on the fun, too. See, this is Betno. Stop clapping. Set Little Warren or Mary Up with Powerpalt's latest model intended for the pint-sized set, the Cray-Cray-Palt Junior. The Cray-Cray-Palt Junior handles up to 50 kilos easily. Wow. Which is like how big is a child?
00:25:52
Speaker
I don't know. Maybe 50 kilos. Maybe. Maybe we shouldn't be giving a kid a catapult that he can put his friend into and shoot him into the neighborhood next door. Oh, Ms. Elizabeth, are you trying to add to the fun? No, that would be dangerous. First, have you ever seen the magazines, Ms. Elizabeth? Any kid who's jumping into a garbage catapult has a helmet on. They're not stupid. 50 kilos easily and can pulp that trash over most neighborhood fences. There you go. They say good fences make good neighbors. Yeah.
00:26:23
Speaker
Watch what happens when your bratty kids introduce a garbage catapult into the mix.
00:26:29
Speaker
Mix it up a little bit. Let's have some fun. We're only here for a short time, Miss Elizabeth. And if your neighbors are a bit of squares, they don't like fun, see what happens when you launch some garbage into their yard. Don't get in trouble if you're launching things. Oh, trouble? Come on. That's the Garbage Catapult Emporium. We're located at 56 Sunshine Lane. We're open seven days a week, seven to seven. Come on down and drag home. I don't know why they say drag home the pulse of your dreams, the Garbage Catapult. Things are big and heavy, that's why.
00:26:58
Speaker
So you have to drag it home. Does it have wheels? Yeah. Can you attach it to the back of your? OK, tow at home. Tow at home. Miss Elizabeth, you can wordsmith your way out of anything, but not this one. OK. The Garbage Catapult Emporium. Heads up. Oh, right. Miss Elizabeth. I guess that's their tagline. Heads up. Heads up, because garbage is raining down on you. Heads up, garbage down. And you'll be laughing all the way until you get doused. Then you've got to go shower off and clean your clothes off. And you'll just be smiling. And it's like, well, I guess this might. I've got to pay it forward. I've got to launch my own garbage.
00:27:27
Speaker
Pass the fun on. This is why I love living in this town, Miss Lisbon. This hobby catches on, especially this summer. Oh my goodness. I want to know who is the owner of this business because I suspect that it was you, but apparently it isn't. It's not me, Miss Lisbon. I don't have the gumption. I just want to sit here and complain when such things don't exist. And then when they do, I become very happy.
00:27:51
Speaker
It's 100% not Lance, because he couldn't- No, I gotta meet this person. I gotta get to know this person, because this is- You're telling me you don't know who this is? This is entrepreneurship at its most noble. Okay, I just think it's crazy.
00:28:01
Speaker
you want to talk about crazy Miss Elizabeth and I want to talk about self-improvement self-improvement it's the new year it's the new year we have new new year's resolutions right miss Elizabeth it's time for the new year's resolution update you know you if you're a new listener to the show dear listener friend you're probably saying oh yawn spare me of course it's January of course you guys are shooting your mouths off about new year's resolutions we do this all
00:28:25
Speaker
We do it throughout the year, dear listener friends. We're checking in on how we did last year, we're checking in on what's ahead, and believe it, we're going to be checking in all throughout this upcoming year, so we keep each other honest, we hold each other accountable, there's no fuck passing. I'm very interested to know what you have set yourself up for this year.
New Year's Resolutions
00:28:45
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, it'll blow your mind, but I'm going to stop, I'm going to start by asking you about, oh boy, Miss Elizabeth.
00:28:52
Speaker
Here's your first resolution I'd like to check in on. Uh-huh. Go up to a stranger and say, you got this. Yeah. If I can do this an even baker's dozen times a day, that would work for me. That's right. Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. First of all, I know I said a stranger, but it could be literally a friend or a family member, somebody you've met before or a stranger. Or someone you don't want to have any communication with anymore because you're going to drive people away with that kind of nonsense. No, no, because they got this.
00:29:21
Speaker
Yeah, they... Miss Elizabeth, how dare you assume they don't? I don't assume they don't. But what? I assume they do. I think we're... this is an Abbott and Costello routine now. Why are you doing it then?
00:29:36
Speaker
because they need the little extra boost of self-confidence. I just go up and say, you got this. Go get them. So maybe we should amend this text somewhat to read, be an armchair psychologist and interfere with people's lives. Yeah, just inject self-confidence into anybody you see. No one's looking for you, Miss Elizabeth. If they have it, they got it. And if they don't have it, then these words will mean nothing and they've got bigger problems than having to deal with your unwanted interference. Ouch. Okay.
00:30:04
Speaker
Well, let's see what yours says. I don't really know how to climb stuff. That is not a resolution. Is there more? There's more. Change that right freaking now. Okay, you could stop right there. That's the resolution. In three months, if people aren't calling you Spider-Man, then you know you failed. Okay, you shouldn't have the word failed in your resolution because your resolution should encourage you to succeed.
00:30:31
Speaker
You're too negative. Yeah, well, Miss Elizabeth, I know me, and I know I'm not going to really attack this one with enthusiasm, because I'm a little bit long in the tooth to be learning how to climb stuff. I never picked it up as a kid. Once again, eight years old was the time. The window closed decades ago, but I need a challenge. Some of my other resolutions, quite frankly, are a little too easy. OK, so are you going to start with upper body strength and maybe some core stability? What are you talking about? None of that. I'm going to climb stuff. Can you read?
00:31:04
Speaker
Three months from now, people aren't calling me Spider-Man. I have failed. So I got to get to work. How I do that, find something small to climb. And then the next day, find something bigger. Next thing you know, I'm climbing the biggest, I'm climbing Mount Everest.
00:31:19
Speaker
Oh, don't do that. Or I'll shimmy up the tallest skyscraper you got. Okay. Whatever, Miss Elizabeth. I'm not worried about this one. I don't want to do it, but I'm going to do it anyway. I am because you're going to be going at a height and I can tell that you will not have physically or mentally prepared yourself for it. And when you get just, you know, just one or two floors up, you're going to lose your grip. You're going to lose your mind and you're going to get vertigo and you're going to fall to your demise. I'm concerned about it. That's a rosy picture.
00:31:44
Speaker
Well, I'm worried about it. I think you need some upper body strength and some core stability. Don't distract me. I got to climb stuff before I get to that gym stuff.
00:31:53
Speaker
Write thank you notes to people who may not have even done anything for you. Yeah, write thank you notes. Jeepers. You know why? You've got too much time on your hands. No, it doesn't take long to just write a little thank you. You just say... For no reason. Well, not for no reason. What I've discovered is when you write thank you to somebody that might not have done anything for you, it turns out they actually have done something for you. What?
00:32:16
Speaker
Yeah. You just say, thank you for being a friend or thank you for crossing my path and, you know, getting out of my way or whatever. Or thank you for passing me that shopping cart. Instead of writing them a note, why don't you just send them a link to the theme to the Golden Girls and leave it at that. Thank you for being a friend. Yeah. That's right. Then you can stop wasting your time writing on paper, handing it to people and getting confused. Look back because they're saying, do I know you?
00:32:40
Speaker
Jason, I'm all about efficiency. I'm going to take that on board. Oh boy. That was more fool me. That was a stupid suggestion. Ignore it, Miss Elizabeth. Learn to skateboard not because I want to, but because it would be pretty sick to pull out expertise on the old board just randomly sometime. Totally blow people's minds.
00:32:58
Speaker
Yeah, this is another one I don't really want to do, but I figure it'd be cool to have it in the repertoire. Why are you putting- Because who would think I would know how to skateboard? Next thing you know, I'm like zipping around like Tony Hawk, jumping over stuff. Yeah. And then everybody'd be like, they'd be doing that gesture like, mind blown. Like you just put your hands up next to your head and then- Yeah, just mind blown. And then I would land and then I would just pull up and stop on a skateboard, however you do that. And I'd just go,
00:33:26
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, that's me. And then, what else? What else are we going to do, gang? Like it was nothing. But the thing that always gets me here makes me feel a little bit sad that you're trying to commit your life to do things that you actually, I think, actively dislike doing. I don't know what planet you live on, Miss Elizabeth, but that's my day every day.
00:33:48
Speaker
Okay. Yeah. So you might as well embrace it and do something to blow people's minds. Oh, no. Well, I do think you should blow people's minds. If you think I can't do it, you're mistaken. I think you can do it. If you're thinking of letting doubt creep into my psyche, forget it, Miss Liz. But there's an iron wall between your doubt, your gain saying, and my self-confidence, even to do something I have no interest in.
00:34:10
Speaker
So that's totally fine. You can totally do that. I would only request and I'm going to have to firmly request that you wear your wrist braces and also your helmet. I'm not wearing any of that stuff. You need wrist braces because you need your wrists to type, which you need for the podcast and you need your brain for the podcast too.
00:34:27
Speaker
Do you want to know how you can help? How? Okay. Next time I'm just around the gang and I'm just talking, we're shooting the breeze and whatever, you just got to be standing off camera somewhere. Okay. And then I just like, just out of nowhere, like there's a little pause in the conversation. I'll just hold my hand out and you just toss the skateboard to me and then I just go. Okay. And everybody's like, what? Okay. That would be cool. Okay. So if you could just be available for that, that would help me. That would actually help someone. Okay. I feel like we need to practice the toss.
00:34:55
Speaker
I got to learn how to ride a skateboard first. But yeah, sure enough. Let's back up one more step. Do we have a board? I don't own a skateboard yet. We don't have a board. No, I got to find one where it's like, you must have been riding this thing for years. It's got all kinds of funky stickers on it. And it's got, it's worn with love. There's been a lot of like, uh, seven twenties or whatever on this thing. Okay. So Creckel Marketplace is the place to get that. Probably, probably. I got to find a cool board in this place, but it has to be as cool as I'm going to be once I learn how to ride. Okay.
00:35:25
Speaker
While I'm getting my steps in, sing a little tune. You never know who else you can encourage to get to stepping too. Yeah, don't forget multitask because singing makes you happy, walking makes you happy and healthy. Do them both at the same time. No brother. Efficiency of happiness. It's so annoying when someone's just trucking along and you know they're getting their steps in and they're so determined and they've got their workout suit on. Annoying? Did you say annoying? It's annoying. This is the mall. What are you talking about? I'm not getting out of your way.
00:35:53
Speaker
You've got to get your steps in the old-fashioned way. I'm not asking you to get out of my way. Down the back alleys. Why are you so angry about this? All I'm saying is... Because I've got to get my steps in, Miss Elizabeth, and no one helps me. But I'm going to sing while I'm walking. Right. It's hard enough getting the steps in without people around you singing. OK. Again, you don't have any clue that what you do in this world impacts other people. No, I think it does. I think that when I sing and people hear me and I'm trotting along, I think that it lifts people up a little bit. I don't. We disagree on that. OK.
00:36:23
Speaker
Well, yours says, okay, this one I'm a little extra concerned about. Overcome the fear of rattlesnakes, no guts, no glory. Yeah, you know what? I'm not even going to give you any details, but there's just one sure way to get over your fear of rattlesnakes, and I'm just going to take the bull by the horns and just get it done. I'm not going to give you any details, but I saw this X-Files episode. X-Files? It was an X-Files episode. Is it about an alien ghost? No, it was about rattlesnakes, and it didn't end well.
00:36:51
Speaker
Oh, well, so you're telling me my fear is justified then? Of course. So a fictional TV show put the scare into you and you're telling me to not get rid of my real life fear of rattlesnakes by freaking just getting in there. They're poisonous. And that rattle means keep aware. Stay away, friend. So right. I should be afraid, but I got to get over this fear. So there's only one way to do that. And there's no dancing around the fact and I'm just going to, you know,
00:37:16
Speaker
You'll see I think this is more of a summer thing. Anyway, you need the you need the summer hot rattlesnakes are everywhere, Miss Elizabeth You gotta stay frosty. Okay So I'm not afraid I or at least I won't be once this thing is done I'm not gonna tell you but you can imagine what's the most direct way to get a rear-fear rattlesnake? You're gonna be in a room with like a hundred of them. I
00:37:39
Speaker
No, actually, that's an even better idea, actually. Well, what was your idea? Oh, never mind. It's kind of stupid. I don't want to say it, Miss Elizabeth. That one is a far more sensible approach to this. I was, yeah. What were you going to do? No, no, no, nothing. Miss Elizabeth, there's, yeah. I'll show you the X-Files. I have some eBay orders to cancel. OK. Because I have, there's an X-Files. There actually is a real X-Files episode. It involved a rattlesnake costume.
00:38:04
Speaker
Oh, oh, that's how you're going to do it. So now I was getting OK, not real rattlesnakes, but a person dressed as a rattlesnake rattling their little butt. Yes, they're behind. Well, maybe multiple people. OK. And like a haunted house kind of snare. Miss Elizabeth, that would be scary. I will participate in that. I will participate in that. No, you gave me a better idea. No, I like that. Quite frankly, your idea tightens my stomach. I like to actually deal with real rattlesnakes. That's crazy, but I'm just crazy enough to do it. No, I think let's keep with the costumes idea. I love it. Love, love, love it.
00:38:32
Speaker
OK, well, that tells me it's a bad idea. So your listener friend, we're going to end New Year's resolution update with a big cliffhanger.
Future Resolutions Teaser
00:38:39
Speaker
OK, well, not really. Not really. We have a whole new batch of resolutions coming next time. We do, yeah. Well, not every week, though. Not every week, next time. Whenever that dismiss list, but this is a very dynamic show, there are many segments that each has to take its turn to appear in the spotlight. Random question, Jason.
00:38:58
Speaker
How's the music going? I've been very busy this week. I have uncovered sketches, drafts for at least three songs. And one of them I worked on earlier and forgotten that I'd gotten it as far as I had. And why don't I tell you, Lance may have co-written a song with me.
00:39:16
Speaker
I know. I'm so excited. That's why I mentioned it, of course. So if you want to hear a Goin' Snakes song, maybe stay tuned to this show, because there might be one coming up here. There's going to be a Goin' Snakes song. At least one. From Jason and Lance Brock. That's right. So yeah, you're pretty excited. And if you're a listener friend, you're probably thinking, well, play that song right now. Well, I just told you I'm working on it. It's not done yet. So why don't we play you a song right now that is done? Do you think that might work better? That'll be good. Maniac from Beyond Time. Listen.
00:39:58
Speaker
Crawling from the meteor The strangest of all men Do not ask where he is from A better question's when A trillion years to imitate The hypercube life smashed When this fiend is through with us The whole world will
00:40:28
Speaker
Maniac from me on time Maniac from me on time
00:40:50
Speaker
The foolish few who make a stand He sets their minds ablaze Forever cursed to wander A hellish mental maniac From me on time Maniac From me on time
00:41:28
Speaker
Then, as from the ninth dimension, He ruined the eleventh. Now His sights are set on us, We'll end up like the seventh.
00:41:50
Speaker
Gaze upon the pocket watch and only see his eyes Time and space have gone to war And all because he lies True is false and up is down No, it can't be true The mirror cracks, you see his face The maniac is you
00:42:20
Speaker
you
00:43:06
Speaker
Maniac from Beyond Con by The Smile Syndicate. My hard rockin' band based right here in Smilton, right here on Hello, Smilton. Now, Jason, do you think we're going to have another blackout potentially today? Nah. You think we'll be fine? Smilton will, I know. I can't say the same for Gowers Gulch. There might be another. Our pickle hills, our neighbor towns in the Tri-town area, they're on the normal grid. There could be another warning. They may have to reduce their usage during the high times, and we've got to figure this grid thing out because it's going to get cold.
00:43:34
Speaker
Uh, probably every year in Smilton. Every year. Every year in the area anyway. We need more candles. I'm going to put candles everywhere. Just go home and do what you need to do. Leave Smile Syndicate HQ alone. This is going to be a beacon of sanity. I'm going to turn every light on, whether we need it or not. And it'll give people hope. And isn't that more important than electricity? I'm going to turn on all the appliances. Yeah. Okay. Used or not. Okay. Dear listener friend, we hope you've enjoyed today's show. We've been capering and dancing and having fun. And we're going to come right back next week and do it again with different stuff.
00:44:04
Speaker
Can't wait. In the meantime, this one's done. But it's been fun, so Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smilton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smilton, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is the jukebox.