Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
You Wanna Talk About Dignity?
51 Plays1 year ago
One is tempted to liken the impact of this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, to being hit with a Cat 5 entertainment hurricane while standing on the peak of the highest mountain top. One is also tempted to recognize this is drastically understating matters.
Miss Elizabeth and Jason are beaming and proud and why not? They're only delivering the very best in comedy and original music straight from the heart of Smileton, podcasting capital of the world.
On tap today is a vintage double shot: an edition of the SMILETON POLICE BLOTTER that reminds us all that the thin blue line never rests because there's a lot of nutty stuff going on out there and a PAID ADVERTISEMENT that reminds us all that no home décor is complete without lots of spittoons all over the place.
Surely that's enough for one show? Yeah, you'd think so, but we're not done yet. How about a classic LANCE BROCK'S ROCK TALK to fill you with the spirit of rock, rocking and other rock-related concerns.
The holiday times are upon us now and we'll be celebrating that fact by playing a couple of songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE. If that doesn't get you dancin' and jitterbuggin' and buggin' and crawlin' the walls, I don't know what will.
HELLO, SMILETON. Fall In Love With Podcasts All Over Again.
Show Timestamps
5:38 Smileton Police Blotter / Paid Advertisement (Park Place Spittoons) (from January 2, 2023)
23:40 SONG – New Year's Skeeve
27:21 Lance Brock's Rock Talk (from March 6, 2023)
47:58 SONG – The Sun Is A Jukebox 2000
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Banter
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smilton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smilton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I am ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. How you feeling, Jason? I'm ready to do a show if that's the gist of your question. Yeah. I'm very excited to be here. My physical state notwithstanding. Yeah, you're kind of clutching onto yourself a little bit there.
00:00:31
Speaker
That's just the way I roll, Miss Elizabeth. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. I hope you're in the mood to have fun because I am.
Olive Adventure Begins
00:00:39
Speaker
Even though I have to tell you something before we get rolling too far here. Miss Elizabeth, you never know when a challenge might present itself. You never know when. Well, it's usually daily. We get challenged all the time.
00:00:51
Speaker
I mean, the kind of challenge where you really have to dig deep, you really have to understand at the fundamental root what kind of person you are. And I'm just briefly, before we get on to the comedy fun and the music capering, Miss Elizabeth, I have to share a true tale of heroism. Okay. Well, as all good tales begin, I was sitting in the Smouthen Spaghetti and Bingo Buffet earlier today.
00:01:18
Speaker
And I was enjoying spaghetti and bingo buffet. The spaghetti buffet and bingo. Yes, my stomach, as we'll soon learn. Yeah, you keep on grabbing onto your stomach right now. It's in a state right now. Well, I did it to myself and I would do it all over again.
00:01:33
Speaker
I was sitting there. I'm going to have a small brunch. Aren't you in pain right now? Like you look like you might be in pain. Miss Elizabeth, it doesn't matter. I'm going to soldier on through this show. I was sitting in the buffet. Yeah. I was looking around. Were you playing bingo?
00:01:49
Speaker
No, I rarely play bingo, Miss Elizabeth. It's more than never-ending spaghetti that attracts me to that place. So, smiling at spaghetti buffet and bingo. Sitting there, waiting to dig into some spaghetti, carefully considering my options, and I see they roll out this new feature, the trough of olives. Olives trough? Olives trough, Miss Elizabeth. Why don't they call it something more appetizing?
00:02:14
Speaker
Appetizing you take one look at it and your brain will recalibrate itself. Yeah, it's the word trough. I think that I have
00:02:22
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, silenced. I'll deal with you soon enough. I'm telling a story here. Kindly get back to your phones, get back to the quiet conversations you were indulging in. They're not paying attention to the show. What kind of marketing? I don't understand that marketing. Troff of olives. Yeah, olive trough. Yeah. What do you mean? What kind of... Just take a look. You'll be compelled to draw ever near that thing. And that's what happened to me.
00:02:44
Speaker
I mean, I like me some olives, but I prefer to have just like a little... I like me some olives. That is not how you approach competitive food eating, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, I'm not competitive about it. Well, I am. And I took one look at the olive trough. You know what happened? What? Did you fall into it? Metaphorically, I did. Okay. Did you ever... I'm going to ask you a question. Did you ever wonder what it's like to eat too many olives? Have you ever in your life had too many olives?
00:03:11
Speaker
I think I may have witnessed you eating too many olives before. I think you may have done that on a bus or something.
00:03:19
Speaker
Maybe, Miss Elizabeth, but it was nothing. That was dabbling. That was amateurish dabbling compared to what I did at this mountain spaghetti buffet in Bingo. Is this why you're clutching your belly right now? It is. Your belly is essentially like a can of olives right now. It turns out you can't have too many olives, Miss Elizabeth. Of course you can. I'm exploring dimensions I didn't dream existed hitherto. Now, if you had asked me, like, here's a bunch of olives. I'm seeing things is what I'm telling you.
00:03:48
Speaker
So if you were to say, here's a bunch of olives, let's get competitive. My first instinct wouldn't be to eat them all quickly, to race to the bottom. My instinct would be to use them as projectiles. Okay. Yeah. Well, that has nothing to do with competitive food eating. Because they're little, they're not going to hurt you, but they're definitely going to wake you up when they make impact. The ones I consumed are hurting me.
00:04:12
Speaker
Yeah, they are hurting you. Well, we got to get on. I'm going to go. I'm going to keep going. I'm just telling you, dear listener friend, there is such a thing as too much olives. And number two, if you do indulge in such a thing, of course, there's too much olives. You will see things and you will be over full in a way you can't describe. All I'll do is wait for you to join me on the other side in this forbidden zone. And I can't describe that. I wish I could explain
Bizarre Police Incidents
00:04:36
Speaker
it, but I can't.
00:04:36
Speaker
So if you eat too many olives, what you're saying is you start to experience like psychedelic experiences. Not even beyond that. I appreciate the yogis and their transcendentalism because I'm pretty sure I'm halfway there. All right. Well, that's pretty cool.
00:04:52
Speaker
Yeah, pretty cool. Unlike our studio audience here with us, Miss Elizabeth, I'm not going to spend the whole show complaining about this and that, but I will say the holiday season is upon us. And I see every last one of the narrative wells up there joining us today in Smile Syndicate HQ is wearing an elf hat. I'm so happy to be here. Ascent as elf hat.
00:05:08
Speaker
They've got their faces painted. They like their elves with the rosy cheeks. Yeah, it's off-putting and they've taken it upon themselves to decorate up there. No one asked you to deck. Like I wish they would show such industry and just paying attention to the show because they're looking, they're not even facing forward now. It's like a Christmas party. It's like going to be a month long Christmas party. It starts now. It starts this weekend and they're wearing hats and some of their hats are jingling. Can I not just have Christmas in peace?
00:05:35
Speaker
No. Okay, well, let's get on to the show then. You can't. Miss Elizabeth, we've done a podcast in one way or another for many years now. Years, over a decade.
00:05:46
Speaker
I don't know about a decade. Yeah, it's been over a decade. I don't think so. Miss Elizabeth, you've got to check your calendar. But in the meantime, we have hundreds of episodes in the vault. And sometimes Miss Elizabeth likes to put on her Indiana Jones hat and go exploring to pull out some classic segments for us to enjoy once more. Miss Elizabeth, have you done such a thing today? Yes, I have. My first pick is an informative edition of the Smiles and Police blotter and a paid advertisement from what I must say is a rather meh
00:06:16
Speaker
Uh, Smilton Small Business. But those two, those two segments go really well together. These two aired as part of episode 13 of Hello, Smilton. And it first aired January 2nd, 2023 as part of an episode entitled taught. Did you say taught? Let's listen. Smilton.
00:06:35
Speaker
It's not all summertime fun and roses all the time. No. There's a gritty underbelly to our dear little town. Sometimes it's winter. Yeah, winter doesn't calm down the ne'er-do-wells. There is sometimes a bad behavior of foot, and Miss Elizabeth has her ear to the Smilton Police scanner. I do, yeah. She brings us the latest in malfeasance in our dear town in this the latest Smilton Police plotter
00:07:05
Speaker
Saturday, 3.05 a.m. Officers responded to complaints in the Misty Lagoon neighborhood that two men were engaging in reckless misuse of a garbage catapult. Police arrived. I'm really annoyed. I missed the fun. That sounds awesome. Well, I'm glad to hear you weren't a part of that. Garbage catapults. Police arrived to find two men bickering and shoving each other with gusto.
00:07:30
Speaker
After questioning and threatened tasings, one of the men tearfully confessed that they had launched a third man with the catapult and was unaware of the man's current whereabouts. Minutes later, officers found a local man dressed as a giant lobster and embedded in the windshield of a hatchback seven blocks from the catapult.
00:07:53
Speaker
That's quite a ride, Miss Elizabeth. That's a trajectory for sure. He was taken to hospital with only minor injuries, thank goodness. I guess that lobster costume had enough padding in it. Local men, Lance Brock and Vance Brock, promised to behave after police threatened to impound the garbage catapult.
00:08:14
Speaker
You've lost control of that garbage catapult. Are there many garbage catapults in
Spittoon Ad and Debate
00:08:26
Speaker
Smiles and Now?
00:08:34
Speaker
With humans, you never shot a human with a garbage catapult. First of all, how can you shoot a human with a garbage catapult? Does that not imply that you consider that human dressed as a lobster to be a piece of garbage? Of course not. The person in the lobster costume is Sandy, their cousin. He's in the rock lobster costume. He's the mascot of Lance's guitar store.
00:08:58
Speaker
Oh, and the fun that they must have been having to work themselves up into such giddy glee that one of them willfully climbed into that catapult to be launched to the stars. If you, yeah, the super protected and Miss Elizabeth, no harm, no foul. Okay. I just feel like you need to have a little bit more self-respect than to get yourself into a catapult that is called a garbage catapult. Miss Elizabeth. You're letting yourself be treated like a piece of garbage. Sandy, where's the Rock Lobster costume and humps hatchbacks? You want to talk about dignity?
00:09:28
Speaker
He's got a bulletproof vest. Don't worry about it. Thursday, 1.53 p.m. A magazine shoot went awry in the Summer Oaks neighborhood when animal wrangler Marky Mark Murphy lost control of a group of howler monkeys.
00:09:45
Speaker
OK, I wasn't there for this, but I saw a little bit of the aftermath. I'll let you continue here. But this town, Miss Elizabeth, we sometimes have fun without thinking of the consequences. Dressed up in adorable ski suits, the monkeys had been frolicking in the snow and building little monkey snowmen, or as they might have called them, snow monkeys.
00:10:08
Speaker
Witnesses claimed that a group of monkeys created a distraction, and while Murphy and the photo crew were investigating, another group of monkeys absconded with the tranquilizer guns that had been brought to keep both the monkeys and assorted onlookers under control. Oh boy.
00:10:26
Speaker
The camera ready cuties then began an hours long rampage through Smileton neighborhoods in which dozens of citizens were tranked and many hundreds of dollars worth of fast food was stolen. The monkeys later returned to their handler Murphy after they had run out of ammo. They had their fun.
00:10:49
Speaker
They had their fun, and then they were done, and they just came back because life's pretty good for them. Indeed. Police reportedly still don't know what to make of that incident. I would just let it lie, Miss Elizabeth. Those monkeys were out of control. I was in the Smilton Mall food court when they busted in there, and you should have seen the place. They took over. They were pointing tranq guns at everybody. Everybody just backed away from their food. The monkeys had their fill and scuttled off. Well, yeah, you don't want to have a fight with a hell or a monkey, Jason.
00:11:17
Speaker
Once again, Miss Elizabeth, a reckless magazine photoshoot leads to disaster for innocent bystanders. It's not the first time that's happened here in Smilton. Friday, 1147 p.m. visitors to the Ruby Room, where Smilton's elite put up their feet. I think
Musical Interlude with 'New Year's Skeev'
00:11:35
Speaker
that's their phrase. I think that's their marketing phrase. Would normally expect to experience scenes of sophistication befitting how the upper crust normally lives.
00:11:44
Speaker
But officers responding to a frantic phone call got eyes full of something else entirely. Upon arriving on the scene, Smilton's finest found the well-heeled Ruby Room regulars, all flustered and foremen normally employed at the club as human furniture brawling with Brio. Have you heard of this human furniture thing? I've never been in the Ruby Room, Jason, and I don't think I ever will. I can't get in that place.
00:12:14
Speaker
Horst Huffman, who has worked as a human couch at the club for six years, began brawling with Enzo Klimt, a newly hired human end table. I guess you specialize in specific... Yes, Miss Elizabeth, any professional person tells you, you gotta pick a specialty, specialization.
00:12:38
Speaker
Human credenzas, Hugh and Lou Hewson initially tried to stop the fracas and ended up brawling with Gus Grimm, a human footstool, who is only six months away from retirement. What a scene, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. Well, officers reportedly tased the situation into control, which is normally actually how they first start dealing with every situation it seems that they come upon. Well, if you got something that works, Miss Elizabeth, you got to stick with it.
00:13:06
Speaker
That's right, with monocled bystanders bearing the brunt of the zapping. Thank goodness. So they weren't even zapping the human furniture? The human furniture's not doing that much. I mean, they're falling while they're fighting. Such unprofessionalism. But they're not the bad guys in this situation, Jason. Aren't they? They are not. The monocled bystanders who are using humans as footstools and credenzas. They are the problem.
00:13:30
Speaker
The human furniture then gruffly resumed their duties, with Klimt in particular still seething as he once again became a human end table. The officers departed three hours later, bellies full of champagne and caviar, and bodies well rested after lazily reclining on their fellow citizens. What a scene, Mr. Lisbon. Terrible. It is terrible. The lack of professionalism among the human furniture and the police.
00:13:58
Speaker
What do you mean? Well, they stayed and they used the human furniture. That's not professional. That's what they're there for, Miss Elizabeth. When you work at a high society club, they have very particular standards and you have to do your job properly. You can't be brawling.
00:14:16
Speaker
Somebody comes in there, they have their brandy, they have their monocle, they have their financial paper, they're gonna sit comfortably on you. You can't be angry, you can't be moving around, you can't be brawling with another piece of furniture. Okay, if your whole career was to be an inanimate object, I think you might run out of patience and become a little bit agitated. You might become agitated.
00:14:39
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, it's far better than many other jobs. It's human nature. So resist becoming an end table in somebody else's scene of wealth. Miss Elizabeth, I'm detecting some sour creams here. In what way? Because you can't get into that club. You're turning your nose up at it. I've never tried to get into that club. It seems really creepy. I aspire. I don't have enough money. That's true. I can't afford a human end table.
00:15:09
Speaker
Well, I wouldn't want one if it was gruffly doing its duty. Like my human end tables got to stay still. I put things on there and they can't be grumbling when I set a cup of tea on them. Yeah. I mean, that does that is a job that that kind of I'm just glad the whole scene got settled down because that was getting to be out of control uncouthness.
00:15:30
Speaker
Yeah. Well, I'm going to have to keep a close eye on this one and because I hope somebody got video footage of that because brawling human furniture must have been a sight to behold. I'm sure you have to deposit your phones on the way into that club. Yeah. Because there's been this is the first I've heard of human end tables. I got to get in that. I got to get in there, Miss. Let's see what's going on. How do you even put together a human credence? Oh, you know what?
00:15:53
Speaker
What do you mean? How do you put them together? They're humans Miss Liz, but there's no assembly required Okay, well the law never sleeps Jason and crime never sleeps and do you know what else never sleeps? What? The Smilton police blotter
00:16:08
Speaker
Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. Exciting tableaus from the mean streets of Smilton that you'll see, you see before your dear listener friend, the kinds of things the thin blue line here in Smilton has to deal with on a daily basis. Miss Elizabeth, he's here to watch The Watchers. Yeah.
00:16:25
Speaker
We got to pay some bills. And I've never been so proud, Ms. Elizabeth. You know, we were talking about uncouth behavior in the, in the, in the high society club that we all aspire to get into. We were talking about elegance. We're talking about sophistication and this, this paid advertiser that we've got here today fits that to a T.
00:16:46
Speaker
I just realized who this is, and I'm going to have a complaint about it. Oh, Ms. Elizabeth, do not do that. Do not show yourself to be a ruffian. Well. Today's episode of Hello, Smilton is brought to you by Park Place Spittoons. Smilton's choice for the discerning spittoon purchase sewer. Purchase sewer?
Lance Brock's Rock Music Segment
00:17:04
Speaker
Oh, this is going to be so good, Ms. Elizabeth.
00:17:07
Speaker
Wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all, do you use spittoons at all? Do you own them? Yes, I do own them. Do you use them? Not yet. Because you're not doing tobacco. I'm learning. I'm learning how to, Miss Elizabeth. It's not an easy thing. You don't just leap to being an accomplished tobacco chewer in one go. You got to work up to it. I'm working on gum right now.
00:17:28
Speaker
Okay, so it's okay. Let me paint you a picture a New Year's Eve party. I wish you wouldn't an elegant home tastefully appointed a Large ballroom with taught guests in fancy dress does this sound charming taught? Did you just say taught is that part of the ad copy? Yes? So they have I don't question what I read miss Elizabeth you pay the money. I'll read anything I
00:17:53
Speaker
even delightful, then let me add the following. Your guests each have a mouthful of chaw and no place to spit. Now, how does that sound? I thought so. It sounds disgusting. Exactly. This whole topic and this whole business is disgusting. Thank you. It's making me feel queasy. This is the idea of being without a proper spittoon making you queasy. No kidding, Mrs. Elizabeth.
00:18:17
Speaker
Few social faux pas are as painful and difficult to come back from as leaving your guests with no place to deposit their spitterings. Okay, is that a word? What do you mean, is it a word? Spitterings. Of course it is. Show the world you respect your guests and yourself by having your home fully equipped with spittoons designed and manufactured with dignity and style right here in Smilton by Park Place Spittoons. There's nothing dignified about spitting. You're disgusting spitterings anywhere.
00:18:46
Speaker
Gone are the days of the unstylish spittoon, welcome to a world of spittendom, where you can be yourself and spit into something that tells the world, this is me, this is what I am. We no longer spit on the ground like beasts, we spit into a spittoon that looks like the Venus de Milo, or the Golden Gate Bridge, or a 1970s boogie van.
00:19:11
Speaker
wherever you sit on the crazy quilt of human experience, our trained spittoon consultants will match you with the spittoonier dreams from little junior who's just learning to ride a bike to good old grandpa who's just chewed his first chunk. Ladies and gentlemen, silence. Wait a minute. Are we spitting at the boy riding his bike like a model of a boy riding his bike? Is that what we're spitting into? No. These are some of the customers, potential customers. Oh, okay. So we're spitting into a Venus de Milo.
00:19:39
Speaker
Potentially. Depends what... You tell me, Miss Elizabeth, what fits you best? Not having any spittoons. Well, that's crazy. To good old grandpa who's just chewed his first chunk, they will all find a spittoon from us that they will love, cherish, and bond with for life. And for the ladies, make sure you check out our elegance line.
00:20:01
Speaker
Even you high-volume spitters will find a stylish receptacle to handle whatever you throw at it with lady-like aplomb. Whether it's a spittoon resembling a bouquet of flowers, or something torn right out of a Hollywood classic like Dr. Zhivago or Fifty Shades of Grey, your sense of style and decorum will be preserved with grace thanks to the best name in the spittoon business, Parkland Spittoons!
00:20:25
Speaker
Fog horn. Very very nice looking things like a bunch of flowers. Yeah. Or something from a classic movie. Yeah. And we're spitting disgusting fluids from our bodies into it.
00:20:38
Speaker
What a crude way to say that, Miss Elizabeth. You can make anything sound terrible if you pick the right word. Is that not accurate? I feel like accuracy... I deposit your spitterings. That's the phrase, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. It's a new year, so don't wait. Come on down to Park Place Spittoons and mention you heard this ad to receive a 5% discount on a spittoon consult and fitting session. If you end up purchasing a spittoon, you can apply half of that discount towards the purchase price. Try finding a deal like that at our competitors.
00:21:06
Speaker
That's Park Place Spittoons. Celebrating our 30th year in business, Park Place Spittoons. It matters where you spit.
00:21:22
Speaker
elegance, Miss Elizabeth. That's what I'm talking about. Okay. Have you ever heard a more charming jingle? That is a very, very charming and elegant sounding tune. Yeah. And it doesn't seem to go along with the product at all. Miss Elizabeth, you're just showing your ignorance here. You've got to get with the times. You've got to see what the world of spittendom has evolved since your crude caricatures. I just find it to be so repugnant. Play that thing again, Miss Elizabeth. We've got to hear it.
00:21:57
Speaker
That's right, Miss Elizabeth. It's a very nice sounding tune. The words, I just, I have a problem with this whole thing. I think some advertisers need to be banned from our show. Absolutely not. This is one of our Platinum Elite sponsors. And Miss Elizabeth, you know what I just realized? What? You're like Eliza Doolittle.
00:22:15
Speaker
You need a little bit of education. You're showing yourself to be a little bit rough around the edges right now. And we'll take you to Park Place spittoons. We'll get you a console. No, thank you. We'll get you a beginner's spittoon, Miss Elizabeth. I don't spit at all. You'll come out of there. You'll be sounding like the upper class lady. We all know you can be, Miss Elizabeth. You've just got to try. I'm not going to be spitting. I'm not going to be spitting in public. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm not even going to be spitting in private. Miss Elizabeth, you're going to be depositing your spitterings.
00:22:45
Speaker
Oh, gross. Old stuff right here on Hello, Smile. There you go. It's as fresh as a daisy if I do say so myself, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, and you know, you could always buy those nice spittoons as a gift, like as an ornament. You don't have to spit into them. Why would you? Oh, Miss Elizabeth, you can buy whatever fancy car you want, but don't drive it. You don't have to drive a car. That's right. It doesn't make any sense. None of that makes sense.
00:23:13
Speaker
So driving isn't, like, as disgusting as spitting. No? No. All right. Well, good. Because we kind of need to do it. Yeah. Both things. Driving and spitting. You don't need to spit. Control yourself. I'm going to reach on over and tune in. Smiles and radio. Let's do something festive. Well, we're just going to hear whatever's on the radio. So I hope it's a festive tune. And it looks like we're going to listen to New Year's skiv. Right on. Let's go.
Musical Break with 'The Sun is a Jukebox'
00:23:48
Speaker
Five, four, three, two, one The New Year's finally here Let's sing that song and have some fun Celebration time Let's go dance, the night's still young The crowd is all a jumbo
00:24:11
Speaker
Someone just sneezed in their hand People crammed to close This isn't going how I planned New Year's keep Shoots up your spine It's the hoot of the time New Year's keep Puts a pin in your thumb Now the good times are done New Year's keep New Year's keep A New Year's finally here
00:24:40
Speaker
Let's sing that song and have some fun Celebration time Let's go dance the night still young New Year's keep Shoots up your spine, it's a hoot of a time New Year's keep Puts a pin in your barn, now the good times are done New Year's keep, New Year's keep
00:25:40
Speaker
What just brushed my neck? My shoes are sticking to the ground Something dripped on me Let me off this merry-go-round New Year's
00:26:01
Speaker
Now the good times are done New Year's keep Shoots up your spine It's a hoot of a time New Year's keep Put some pain in your bum Now the good times are done
00:26:27
Speaker
New Year's Ski by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello,
Show Wrap-up and Teaser
00:26:31
Speaker
Smilthing. Smilthing's Own, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, and that's a song that prepares us for festivities that might make us feel a bit uncomfortable, but are still good to be a part of anyway. I don't know about that last part, but I agree with you in Essentials.
00:26:44
Speaker
Dear listener friend, that song New Year's Steve is part of a Christmas EP or at least a winter. It's not a Christmas EP. It's a winter because it's far broader in implication. It's not just Christmas music. It'll be music to get you through the entire winter. That winter EP is called Winter Thunderland. I think it has five songs on it. And we're going to revisit those five songs through this from now till the end of the holiday season. I think Boogie Blizzard might be one of them.
00:27:09
Speaker
It is. Ice fishy cutie. Ice fishy cutie. Yeah, that's a good one. Your skeev we just heard. Snow fort. And let's sing Jingle Bells. I like snow fort. That's a fun one. Well, that one's coming soon, so hold on to your hat. All right. Do you have another pick for us? I do, OK. So my second pick is something that I'm probably going to regret, actually. But I did pick it. You know what? I think people enjoy this segment. It's a Lance Brox, Rock Talk. Of course people enjoy this. What are you talking about?
00:27:37
Speaker
from episode 22 of Hello Smiles and which is from an episode entitled Bingo Spaghetti You Had Me Already. And it first hit the airwaves March the 6th, 2023. I am sorry. Also, please enjoy. What a weird intro. Let's go. When you're pounding back the spaghetti, you know what goes real great with that? What? Rock. Oh.
00:28:02
Speaker
My buddy Lance Brock runs the best guitar store in town. He gives us the good word of rock from Rock Mount Olympus. And we have another update today. Lance Brock's rock talk. Okay. Well, and original music by the smile to smile, syndicate my heart, rock and band, hardest working band and smiled. And that's a full show. You want to talk about a buffet of entertainment, roll up to the trough, dear listener friend, because entertainment is going to be stacked. It's not a trough. It's more like a, like a seven course delightful meal.
00:28:30
Speaker
Not how I view it, Miss Elizabeth. Lance Brock's rock talk. You're so grumpy. I'm not grumpy. I'm ready to... Miss Elizabeth, I'm all business. We got a lot of fun to get through, so let's just put our hard hats on and get to it. Let's do it. What's happening? Jason. I am reading what Lance Brock wrote down for me, and that's what he wrote down.
00:28:58
Speaker
What in the f is up, you f-ed up rock-a-paths? Are you ready to rock? Are you ready to rock? You don't have to read it like this. What do you mean? Yes, I do have to read it like this. I can't f-ing hear you. Welcome to another edition of Lance Brock's Rock Talk, podcast Lance best f-ing show for when you know it's f-ing time to rock and there's no way to deny it any f-ing more.
00:29:26
Speaker
You want to tell me to tone it down. You want to tell me to turn it down? Is that what you're saying, Miss Elizabeth? Sorry. In this segment of all segments, that will never happen. Just because it's all caps doesn't mean you have to shout it. I beg to differ. First, we podcast differently, you and I. We do.
00:29:43
Speaker
First of all, shout out to my fellow rock travelers who are still on the road to rock, wherever that may effin' lead. Turn it up, or turn it off, and there's no effin' middle ground, so effin' cheers to that. Oh my goodness.
00:29:59
Speaker
Music can be soft, it can be delightful. It doesn't have to scream in your ear. I don't even know what you're saying, Miss Elizabeth. My ears are ringing so loud from the rock. Your words are a distorted mess. You're losing your hearing because of this rock and roll being out of control. And don't it feel so good?
00:30:15
Speaker
Quick update on my, quick update on my S-Head out of controlled rock renegade cousin Sandy. He's been wearing the rock lobster costume everywhere. He wandered into an office building last week and started humping some effed in the head CEO or something in front of his whole effing company. Lobsters don't hump things.
00:30:33
Speaker
This one does. And the cops took him aside and told him just because he's the Rock Lobster that doesn't give him permission to hump whatever he wants. Sandy begs to eff and differ. So we'll see how that goes. Somewhere pretty effing hilarious probably.
00:30:47
Speaker
Okay. So just a random office building, or is this a building that he knows about or he works at? If you haven't heard about Sandy, Lance runs Music by Lance, best guitar store in town. His cousin hangs out there. They stumbled on the greatest idea in the history of civilization. Sandy would dress up in a lobster costume. He was then christened the rock lobster and his gimmick is to just pantomime humping everything in town. It's hilarious. No better way to promote a guitar store. There's no hatchback in town that's safe.
00:31:16
Speaker
from the Brock Lobster's Tom Foolery. He does love hatchbacks. And some prudes turn their nose up at it, Miss Elizabeth included. And if that fun expands into some company's boardroom in the middle of an important meeting and some guy wanders in and starts doing that stuff, I would just say, what a town we live in and what a wonderful age to be alive.
00:31:35
Speaker
OK, for the record, I'm not turning up my nose. I just don't get the connection between humping cars and selling music or selling music devices. And secondly, I'm going to clip this. I'm going to clip that and play it back for you, Ms. Elizabeth. And you'll sound, see how ridiculous you sound. OK. You'll be embarrassed.
00:31:50
Speaker
But secondly, here's like an idea or like an experiment. I wonder if when you put on a lobster costume or any other mascot, if you have a higher rate of probability of getting into any building that you try to get into, because the security guards are just like, haha, that's funny. And they just let you in. Probably. Yeah. Miss Elizabeth, if the rock lobster came scuttling into Smile Syndicate HQ, they'd be on mic in 10 seconds flat. Yeah. Okay.
00:32:16
Speaker
I'm glad you're joining in the fun a little bit. I think that will be a fun and very interesting and informative scientific experiment to conduct. Well, you go do that, Poindexter. Ruin the fun. Get your clipboard out.
00:32:30
Speaker
The New Year's been busy for me already, my fine effing friend. My main squeeze, Melinda, found a laptop computer at the food court and has been doing a side hustle. It's bringing in some big bucks. Turns out she can just wear a bikini and be on camera on some website and dudes give her money. Her boyfriend is pretty effing happy because Melinda had effing cash on hand to fix his car and bail him out of jail when he crashed into a pottery store and took a swing at a cop who happened to be effing shopping there. OK.
00:33:00
Speaker
That's bad behavior. Paying your way through life is bad behavior? The guy made a mess, he crashed into a pottery store, but he's the F and paid the damages and cash to his car, at least. That's bad behavior. I mean, that makes people sad, because probably some children made some potteries there. I don't see any reports of injuries, Miss Elizabeth, just some cop who thinks he's a big shot and decides to lay down the law even when he's off duty. Now, Melinda does take her clothes off for money, though. Does she not? She's a dancer. What a crude way to put it. I'm just saying she's a dancer.
00:33:29
Speaker
She's a proud member of the Smilton Exotic Dancers Federation, if that's what you mean. Yeah. So that's why when she wears a bikini, she tends to make more money. Well, yeah. Okay. Just- What do you mean? That's part of the- Miss Elizabeth? Just finding out. Again, she's paying her way through life. Okay. She's finding laptops. Luckle. She's got luck. She's a lucky lady.
00:33:48
Speaker
Jason, she's not lucky. Like, she steals things. She's a thief. That's not luck. Oh, Miss Elizabeth. Laptops don't land on her from above. They fall into her fingers because she, you know, wraps her fingers around them and runs. If you've got a better explanation for that lucky streak she's on, I'm all ears. Well, thieves do have to be lucky, but it's not luck that she's stealing things. I would say, judge not lest not ye be not judged, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. Well, I don't know how to unravel that, but I'm judging her pretty firmly.
00:34:17
Speaker
Melinda says the dudes that look at her site buy her all kinds of S and want to tell her their bank account numbers and passwords. This is crazy. She's a thief. She steals things. I'll admit that sounds bad. She causes people to want to give her money but that they shouldn't be given. She's a scam artist also.
00:34:38
Speaker
It sounds like she may be a little too beguiling on that, uh, whatever that website is and people just give a little too much information. Miss Elizabeth, it happens when you get comfortable. Yeah. Loose lips, maybe some sink, uh, ships get sunk fiduciary. It sounds like, okay, she has great power and with great power comes great responsibility and she needs to take responsibility for not stealing constantly in Smileton. Maybe go somewhere else like Gowers Gulch.
00:35:04
Speaker
Just an idea. Maybe you should just go have a coffee with her. You might change your attitude about her. She might explain where this luck comes from. I need to keep people telling her their passwords. My suggestion to everybody is like be friendly with Melinda from about 10 meters away or more because then she can't reach your purse. I feel sorry for you, Miss Elizabeth. That's no way to go through life being so suspicious. Okay.
00:35:29
Speaker
and want to tell her their bank account numbers and passwords, so it looks like Melinda will be on F&EZ Street for an F&Wile, so hopefully that means F&Party time for yours, F&Truly too. With a good F&Woman at your side, there's no F&World or F&Rock God can't conquer. Okay, that's just insanity. Is she not just going to steal whatever he has to offer as well? It's not like she's stealing and then sharing. Why can't you be happy for people, Miss Elizabeth? He's happy, you should be happy, we should all be happy.
00:35:57
Speaker
I wish I could help Lance. We live in Smilton, Ms. Elizabeth. I know. The land of smiles. That's right. So a plaster one on, even if you aren't feeling it. I'm smiling right now. Lance's customer review. If there's one thing ladies of Smilton know about me, it's that I'm an... Okay, can we just pause this for a moment? Because I think we need to just explain that Lance's customer review comes about because Lance gets a lot of negative reviews on some of those big search platforms.
00:36:25
Speaker
Yeah, it's a drag, so people feel free to hurl garbage at him. So guess what? Some of those people are probably customers of his, so he's going to fire right back, fire with fire. He doesn't like getting reviewed, so he's going to put the shoe on the other foot and stick it up somebody's backside. OK, but I have this feeling that being negative to somebody who's already negative is only going to increase the negativity. It's a review. He's an objective observer. He's just going to tell us true what's going on with his store.
00:36:54
Speaker
But he doesn't have the goal of turning these negative reviews into positive reviews and making more sales. I'm just saying like from a financial point of view. Yeah, he has no ulterior motive. He's just gonna call it as he sees it. If there's one thing the ladies have smiled and know about me it's that I'm an effing gentleman and I know how an effing lady should be effing treated but some of these chicks gotta meet me effing halfway sometimes for eff's sakes.
00:37:18
Speaker
These two chicks come in the store. They were trying a bunch of guitars and rolling their F and I's and saying stuff like, do they ever tune these things? This one doesn't even have six strings. Oh, I got a splinter in my hand. Boo hoo. The jackals of our studio audience enjoying some stressful story, Miss Elizabeth. Yep. Unhappy customers, unreasonable expectations. I wonder how Lance is going to handle this tense situation.
00:37:45
Speaker
So they got a splinter in their hand, and then Lance is making fun of their pain. By saying, boom. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Just clarifying. OK. Well, this will be set into proper relief when you see what happens. All right. The customer is always right. Go f yourself, you rock-eating goof.
00:38:05
Speaker
No, not that is incorrect. The customer is always right and you must work through the customer. Not if they're a rock-hating goof, Miss Elizabeth. And you can't tell them to go F themselves. So I go over there and I go, is there a problem here, ladies? And one of them goes, are you seriously charging a thousand bucks for this one? The neck is being held on with duct tape. I just pointed at both of them and pointed to the F and door. I later found out those two chicks were the two chicks from Rainbow Ride.
00:38:31
Speaker
So potential customers of multiple guitars. Yeah, they were the two women who were in Rainbow Ride. We know them. They're insanely popular. So they make money, and they would spend it on guitars. They're who Tracy's Grace wants to be. Do you listen to a friend? I'm not even going to insult you by describing who Rainbow Ride is. Those two women are from Smileton. They're the biggest band going. You're missing the point, which is that they... I know that success has gone to their heads. They're very rude to Lance.
00:39:01
Speaker
He didn't recognize him because he doesn't prejudge people, Miss Elizabeth. All people who come in are potential customers and he doesn't care how famous they actually are. So, but he told him to hit the bricks because they weren't conducting themselves in a manner. Becoming, ladies are smiling. Okay, got it. See what happens when you get a ton of fame? It goes to your effing head, exactly right Lance, and turns you into B words. Okay, that's not...
00:39:27
Speaker
One star, because I'm feeling effing generous. Okay. Well, I could... Miss Elizabeth, if their attitudes had been better, maybe Lance could have snapped a picture with those two ladies, put it up behind the counter, a little bit of celebrity endorsement for his store, just like that ne'er-do-well Mitch Winchell. He runs the other guitar store in town. As you well know, you hang out with him way too much. Yeah, it's warm in that store.
00:39:52
Speaker
Oh, stop it. What is that after? If you want to be comfortable, stay home. If you want to rock and commit yourself to the road of the rock traveler, it's going to involve some discomfort. Okay. Top five effing bands of all time. Number five, Ted effing Nugent. A newcomer to the effing list. I hadn't heard of this guy until my brother Vance showed me a picture of him looking like an effing caveman holding two...
00:40:17
Speaker
Do you jackals even know what you're laughing at? Keep quiet and let me do the show. I gotta really check out this rock and roll beasts albums. If this guy's stuff is half as cool as this picture, I'll be an effing fan for life. So he hasn't heard. No, not yet. But he made the list. He did. But as a friend of Lance though, your music from the smile syndicate has never made the list.
00:40:40
Speaker
Well, there's four spots ahead of number five if my arithmetic checks out, Miss Elizabeth, so let's wait and see. Number four, Molly Hatchet. My main squeeze, Melinda, says that when her boyfriend puts on a hatchet tune, she effing knows it's time to get down to effing business. Good Rock will effing do that, too, yeah. Miss Elizabeth, sometimes people have a blind spot, and if it makes them happy, I don't think you need to point it out to them.
00:41:09
Speaker
I'll save you some breath there. I don't need to hear it. Okay. Number three, Ozzy, F, and Osborne. If there's an F-ing type of music this guy hasn't touched and turned to F-ing gold, then I don't know what the F. Even that album he did where he looked like he had a whole can of hairspray on his head was pretty cool at the end of the F-ing day. Okay. Ozzy makes it onto the list quite often, right?
00:41:35
Speaker
Yeah, Miss Elizabeth would hardly be a credible list if Ozzy wasn't on there. Yeah, okay. Number two, Lynyrd Skynyrd. Again, yeah. I thought that track Smokin' was by them and even got into an effin' brawl with some guy at a bar once who tried to tell me it was by Boston instead. He beat my ass, but I keyed his car later and put a turd in his mailbox.
00:42:00
Speaker
Turns out he was right. Oh, Lance. Number one, top effin' band of all effin' time. Can it be Smile? Lance Brox, Goin' Snake. Syndicate? No? Okay. His band, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah? Well, I guess you are a member of Goin' Snake. I'm the proud rhythm guitarist. And there might be some music coming up soon.
00:42:19
Speaker
Haven't effing heard about us much lately? It's a little effing thing called hibernation, and once this bear wakes up, watch the eff out. Handsome might quit, ignoring my calls. Book my band to play your bar right effing now, and we'll consider it water under the effing bridge.
00:42:36
Speaker
How can he be more clear than that? Handsome Mike has been skirting the issue, Miss Elizabeth. He said months ago that he might consider booking Lance Brock's Goin' Snake for some comedy night he was hosting. And I'm like, people are not going to be in the mood to laugh at their eardrums bleeding because of the power of the rocks Lance Brock's Goin' Snake would unleash. I haven't heard anything from him since then.
00:42:58
Speaker
So no laughter along with rocking with? It doesn't fit. No, it's like when you're in the middle of a hurricane, the urge to laugh gets blown away on the wind. Okay. That's it for Lance Brock's Rock Talk. Mitch Winchell, you thought you'd sneak on by without me casting in some effing shade in your direction. You're as dumb as you are. Good at stealing groceries from people's hatchbacks.
00:43:21
Speaker
Mitch Winchell thinks he can waltz into town and set up a rival guitar store and Lance will just sit back and take it. He's seeing that that ain't the case. Yeah. No one cares about your crummy guitar store and the people I talked to wish you'd close up shop and leave town and apologize to me. Just effin' sayin'. Okay, some of this sounds a little like slander and also fiction. This was a bit...
00:43:45
Speaker
for example you've been you've been getting bombarded with rock truth bombs for quite a while now yeah and for you to come up with such an utterance i got a question if you're even listening when he says when he says the people that i talked to wish that you'd close up shop like yeah you're just mentioning random like fictional people
00:44:04
Speaker
They're as real as you and me miss Elizabeth. I don't know what you've been I don't know what you think the scuttlebutt is on the rock scene in this town But let me tell you that this rate of Lance's radars tuned on in Mitch Winchell is is a column in this in this community. He is a pillar He holds up the music industry in this community And that's why it's so sick that he breaks into people's hatchbacks and steals groceries to
00:44:26
Speaker
There's no need for it, Miss Elizabeth. I know, I know, Miss Elizabeth. Before he's charged, it's hearsay. It's made up. It's slander. Once the law gets laid down and all we'll talk about is the length of his sentence. Okay, well I happen to know that there is a police investigation going on into the theft from hatchbacks and some of the fingerprints that they've been pulling up look like large lobster claws.
00:44:52
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, there's a simpler explanation why there are lobster, if there is such a thing as lobster fingerprints, why they're on the back of a hatchback. Yeah, I wonder what's been happening there.
00:45:05
Speaker
Some randy entertainment was happening. Lance Brock. The rock talk is done, but the rock never effing is. So keep on effing rocking you rock travelers of young and old. Peace out. Lance Brock is going to the effing moon. Peace and out and over and out.
00:45:23
Speaker
And we're done. Peace. That's it, Miss Elizabeth. The word from Rock Mount Olympus still echoing in our ears, even though it ended seconds ago. And Lance deserves a smattering of applause for that. He deserves a tsunami of applause, Miss Elizabeth.
00:45:43
Speaker
I don't even know how he has time to put Rock Talk together for us. He's pretty busy running that store. He's pretty busy organizing Lance Brock's Going Snakes plan to take over the world of Rock. That's a heaping amount on one person's plate. Yeah, I think he can handle more.
00:46:00
Speaker
You can take more. Probably. He's a Titan. Fixing up his store. Let's add that to the schedule. I don't know what you're even talking about. You do. The hole in the roof is part of its charm, Ms. Elizabeth. It keeps them connected. It keeps them connected to the real world.
00:46:18
Speaker
Exactly. The beams from Rock Mount Olympus can shine directly into the store because of that gaping hole. Oh, I just realized that Lance is kind of like those people in the very, very far distant past who trepanned in their skulls in order to receive messages directly from the sky gods into their brains. So that's kind of what has happened with Lance Brock's store, is that he has trepanned, nature has trepanned through the roof of his store, and now the rock gods are communicating with him into the store directly. So are you going to shut up about that hole then?
00:46:49
Speaker
You don't think so. We need to put a skylight in there. It's raining too much. And it's warping all his guitars. And he's having to fix them with duct tape, which is not strong enough. It's fine. Miss Elizabeth, I would take that any day of the week over that hot house that Mitch Winchell runs. Not one bit of the elements gets inside. No. It's an antiseptic germ lab, as I said before. It's clean. That's it for Rock Talk for now. Rock Talk. Straight from Smiles' greatest living rock practitioner, Lance Brock. Yeah, I think you can understand my conflict there.
00:47:19
Speaker
Yeah. Is this too entertaining? Am I going to blow people's minds? Is this too informative and too ennobling and too uplifting? Okay. I think you answered your own question, Miss Elizabeth. Sure. Wow. Well, I, uh, I think- I'm glad you're happy. I see that it did lift you up a little bit. Those olives have slid down a little bit more. Yeah, the olives have settled into, yeah, I think it's one of those things where like, this is, I'm in the eye of the hurricane and there's a rough ride yet to come, but there's a moment's peace. Yeah.
00:47:45
Speaker
That's fine. I'm going to enjoy it. And I'm going to take these few minutes of respite and listen to another Smile Syndicate song. All right. The sun is a jukebox. 2000. Let's listen. Hit it. Bigger than a radio, louder than a
00:48:13
Speaker
Just for you and me Song streaming down We've got it made Toss away the big hat and get out of the shade The sun is a jukebox Look up to the sky and listen The sun is a jukebox Now you'll hear what you've been missing
00:48:51
Speaker
music gently lifts you higher than the moon no clouds around sunshine and bright see the people dancing they're out of sight
00:49:11
Speaker
The sun is a jukebox Look up to the sky and listen The sun is a jukebox Now you'll hear what you've been missing
00:49:39
Speaker
Our old son He's a jukebox A nickel isn't what you need To make the music play The fiery fusion furnace Plays the hits of the sunset is here
00:50:10
Speaker
All through the night The sun is a jukebox Look up to the sky and listen The sun is a jukebox Now you'll hear what you've been missing The sun is a jukebox Look up to the sky and listen The sun is a jukebox Now you'll hear what you've been missing
00:50:41
Speaker
on this jukebox 2000 by the smile syndicate from right here in smileton right here on hello smileton the podcast broadcasting to you from smileton that's right oh there's a lot of smiles and i'll fold it up in there as it should be and you know that song i think that song is also on all streaming platforms it is uh yes it is it is on uh you know what that's a lie of their face lie that is not on any streaming platform yet but we do have over 50 songs on streaming platforms failure boots including that that winter one
00:51:11
Speaker
Yes, Winter Funderland. Which is called Winter Funderland. Yeah, what's the other one? Oh, Mr. Blue, Hollabaloo, and others. And some covers. Yeah, some covers. Rasputin. There's a whole universe of musical delights if you just look up the smile syndicate on your favorite digital platform, dear listener friend.
00:51:26
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, a show done under the cloud of olive meltdown, but still fun and still life-affirming. It does smell a little olive-like in the studio now. You're just imagining things. I think what you're doing is preparing yourself to indulge in your own little olive festival, Miss Elizabeth. Well, I'll leave you to it. We should sign off. I could take about a dozen.
00:51:53
Speaker
Many dozens is what you need. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. We're going to be right back. From all directions. Yes. We're going to be right back here with you next week with an all new episode of the Smile Syndicate music. The Smile Syndicate music hour. How about Hello, Smileton? Yeah, let's do it from Hello, Smileton. Okay, that sounds good. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth.
00:52:13
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more, Smileton, so spread the word. Make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is the jukebox.