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The King Is Dead. Long Live This Guy.
67 Plays1 year ago
If you hear only one podcast episode this week, make it this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON. Why this particular one? How about the fact that listening to this will turn your life upside down for the better. For starters.
Miss Elizabeth and Jason have prepared another all-new assortment of Funtime Comedy Capering and musical enjoyments and it's just what you need to power you through another week.
Lance Brock, Smileton rock guru and music store proprietor, gives us the latest word from Rock Mount Olympus in LANCE BROCK'S ROCK TALK.
A traffic update will help you navigate our town more quickly or point you to some incidents you've GOT to check out. Either way, the SMILETON TRAFFIC REPORT promises to be the most wildly entertaining traffic update you've ever heard.
Our intrepid hosts keep each honest as New Year's resolutions made in haste are checked and re-checked throughout the year and we'll hear how our hosts are doing in the latest NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION UPDATE.
Two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE put the bow on this dandy little present of a show. Listen!
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
6:55 Lance Brock's Rock Talk
24:54 SONG – Zip It
28:00 Smileton Traffic Report
33:05 New Year's Resolution Update
43:59 SONG – The Universe Is Nude
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Show Overview
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to take straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. Cheerful, chipper.
00:00:20
Speaker
What a way to start the show! That's how I like to start them! Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. You're going to have fun, guaranteed. You know you're in for that when you sign up to join us here at Smile Syndicate HQ, right in the heart of Smiles in Alberta.
Spaghetti Challenge: Triumph or Disaster?
00:00:36
Speaker
Jason, we have a lot to get to today. Miss Elizabeth, the amount of content is overwhelming. You're going to find out soon enough, dear listener friend, if it's possible to be entertained too much. Before we get started,
00:00:50
Speaker
Yeah, I'm raring to go. I'm in a good mood. I know you're in a good mood. So I was wanting to know about your... Remember that you were going to do a spaghetti eating challenge. You challenged somebody to a spaghetti eating. There goes my good mood. What? Why? It lasted 23 seconds. That's got to be a record, Miss Elizabeth. Thanks for nothing. I thought you loved food challenges. I do love...
00:01:12
Speaker
I do, Miss Elizabeth. Do you love challenging people to food? Eating, yes. Eating. Competitive food editing. Competitive food, yeah. Competitive food eating is bread into the bone, Miss Elizabeth. That's what all proper people should be interested in. And I shot my mouth off yesterday. I was challenging someone because they shot their mouth off at me. Pickle Hills ne'er do well, thinking he could step up and challenge me to a spaghetti eating contest. Somebody living in Pickle Hills challenged you? Yeah. OK. If there's a very idea, it makes you laugh.
00:01:41
Speaker
Yeah, you want an update on how that went? Because can you not read the body language? Well, it seems as though maybe something went wrong. Maybe the fork snapped or something. Oh, if only, Miss Elizabeth. Was it a hardware problem, is what I'm asking? No, Miss Elizabeth. It was purely software.
00:02:04
Speaker
Yes, so we went to the Smilton spaghetti buffet and bingo we agreed to meet and we were gonna get get to work the spaghetti flows Fast and free like a river there. So it's the ideal place to settle issues between men and men
00:02:20
Speaker
And that's what was supposed to happen. And the narrator showed up and he looked like nothing that you would expect a proper food eater to look like. He looked like a nerd, quite frankly. But he was continuing to shoot his mouth off, so we sat down and we were about to tuck in. And I made the cardinal mistake, Miss Elizabeth. I didn't focus on the spaghetti.
00:02:43
Speaker
You focused on the meatballs. No, I focused on my surroundings accidentally. And who did I see sitting there? Not two tables away. Otis Sharp, the Cincinnati eating machine. OK, wow. Competitive food eating royalty, Miss Elizabeth. And he was facing me. Oh, he had a superstar. Yeah. And he had a bit of a smile on his face because he recognized Otis Sharp, the Cincinnati eating machine, of all people can recognize when there's about to be a food throwdown happening.
00:03:12
Speaker
So he kind of leaned forward and he was going to watch and he was excited. And Miss Elizabeth, it left me. You dropped the meatball. No, I don't know. I couldn't do it anymore. Right. I didn't drop a meatball, Miss Elizabeth. There's just there was a fundamental performance problem. You dropped the meatball, as it were. Yeah, I'm not going to go with that, Miss Elizabeth. You're having fun here at my expense. I'm being extremely candid, if I may say. I didn't expect that I would need to
00:03:41
Speaker
show up on this show and talk about performance problems. But here we go. OK. I couldn't get it done, Miss Elizabeth. Spaghetti. The spaghetti sat there. Just a limp pile of nothing. OK. So Pickle Hills won. And Smiles did nothing, if you're representing Smiles. No, no. He's in the same boat. Because as soon as I felt the balloon started to flight, and I knew there would be no food frenzy that day, I nudged the guy. And I directed his attention, and his face fell.
00:04:11
Speaker
because he's a pretender. I'm at least a true wannabe competitive food eater. That guy's nobody, but even he knew who Otis Sharp, the Cincinnati Eating Machine was, and he lost interest in us, Otis Sharp did, and just went back to his own spaghetti. What a humiliating incident. Miss Elizabeth, I've got my reputation has been sullied. So you guys just basically had a cup of tea and then went home?
00:04:35
Speaker
No, we just kind of slinked away like slinking non-food eating people. Okay, you left hungry.
00:04:44
Speaker
Well, the hunger returned to be sure. And I thought I could, what a blown opportunity. I could have shown Otis Sharp, the Cincinnati eating machine, that I had what it took. And it turns out on that day, I didn't. So thanks for that. Thanks for making me spill the beans on this show. I'm feeling much more... Ladies and gentlemen, with silence, I see the smirks on your face. You know what? I'm stronger than this.
00:05:09
Speaker
We're gonna turn to something far more positive. You know what? It's okay. I'll get my vengeance, Miss Elizabeth. Don't worry about that.
Upcoming Segments Preview
00:05:16
Speaker
Otis Sharp will be shown. He'll know what kind of competitive food either I can be. Jason, it is okay not to eat ten plates of spaghetti in one day.
00:05:25
Speaker
Well, we disagree, Miss Elizabeth. So let's get on to something far more life-affirming. Dear listener friend, lots of fun content coming straight your way later in the show. Miss Elizabeth and I are going to challenge each other to stay the course on our New Year's resolutions. And we're going to give you the update on how we're doing. It's October. Most people have long forgotten about their resolutions, but not us. We're going to tell you what's been going on with them later in the show.
00:05:49
Speaker
We stay with it all year round. Absolutely. And the mean streets of Smilton, lots of traffic. If you're here with us in Smilton, we got to give you the heads up on traffic problems. We're going to give you the Smilton traffic report. Good. It's
Lance Brock's Rock Commentary
00:06:04
Speaker
about time. Information. But first. It's weird to only get a traffic report once a week, but there you go. I don't follow you. Well, you know, because you might need a traffic report like morning and evening.
00:06:14
Speaker
Are you proposing we do more than one show a day? I don't know. Mr. Elizabeth, this show is backbreaking effort as it is. Once a week. Yeah. Twice a day. You're laughing. You're laughing at me. Well, if you do want that, dear listener friend, go to our locals or our Patreon page and please throw us a little
00:06:36
Speaker
If we had one tenth of our listenership paying the big bucks, or maybe one half, we'd be on Easy Street, and yeah, I could throw you a bone a couple times a day if that's all I had to do all day. Yeah, we could do a traffic report. It would let you know what's happening in Smiles in Morning and Evening. That sounds good to me. But first, someone who's been kicked around by life like I have, like I was at the Smiles in Spaghetti Buffet in Bingo. I don't think you can characterize it that way.
00:07:05
Speaker
I just did. Sometimes you need to look skyward, you need to look towards the mountaintop, you need a little bit of inspiration, and that's exactly what this segment is for. My buddy Lance runs the best guitar store in town, and he delivers the messages of rock to hear, and I'm so proud to turn this show over to him right now in a segment we call Lancebrox Rock Talk. I will read the words of the rock prophet, Miss Elizabeth. Remind me again, why is it that he can't read his own words?
00:07:35
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, he's far too busy to deal with our show. He's busy? Okay, I thought it was something to do with the fear of microphones. No, that's my yoga instructor angel. Lance just can't be bothered. He can't be bothered. Okay, got it. I think we're going to get an answer pretty quick here as to how he regards our show and whether he thinks it's worth spending his own time on. Okay.
00:07:56
Speaker
Hey, what's up, you f-ed up crazy f-ing rockapaz? Welcome to the Primo of the Primo Podcasts. Lance Brock's Rock Talk. Straight shooting, talking about rock, rocking, and f-ing not being a poser about one damn thing. I know that hearing my show after you've been listening to the tiddly wink hour can be an f-ing jolt, so I'll just ask that you max the f-ing volume and get ready to air guitar as you listen to this,
00:08:22
Speaker
So he just called us the Tiddlywink hour. Yeah, no respect for this show. He doesn't respect the show. Why are you reading it then? He's my buddy. And if you could find a person in Smiltern that rocks harder than this guy, present the gentleman. I feel like you rock harder than Lance Brock.
00:08:39
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, you're flattering me now. Thank you for that. You're trying to bolster my shattered ego after my confession earlier in the show. But there's no need for that. There's no need for preposterousness. Well, you actually have songs and albums on streaming platforms, and Lance was not yet. Once we unleash Lance's band on the world, all those doubts will be cast away. I just think Tiddlywink Hour, that's a little harsh.
00:09:06
Speaker
Well, given his perspective, I see his point. You can go back to the silly plinkety-plink time once I'm done with you.
00:09:15
Speaker
Lots going on in Lanceland. Smiles and having a Christmas parade this year and I'm pretty effing hyped. I've entered a float and when I told my effing cousin Sandy about my idea, I effing had tears in my eyes. I was laughing so effing hard. So check this out. Sandy dressed up as the rock lobster sitting right next to Santa. I think you know where I'm effing going with this.
00:09:37
Speaker
The Rock Lobster humps that effin' sleigh, he humps that cardboard, cut out a Rudolph, he humps those two eff-ups, Donner and Blitzen, and let's throw jolly old Sant himself into the effin'. Fog horn! It's time for the Yuletide Spirit, and you can blast your horn all over it all you want, but that's not gonna dim my enthusiasm for this upcoming parade. It's in bad taste for the kitties.
00:10:05
Speaker
I don't follow you, Miss Elizabeth. Well, Christmas is often directed towards children. Let me try to explain it to you. So this is a fairly adult thing that's happening where the Rock Lobster is literally just humping everything in sight. It's not good for the children. I can hear the sleigh bells ringing already. Yeah, they'll be ringing that for sure. Dear listener, Frank, can you imagine the Rock Lobster is already Smileson's favorite mascot for any small business you want to name.
00:10:32
Speaker
And the whole gimmick is that the costume is hilarious and it goes into turbo hilarious overdrive once Sandy starts humping anything, fire hydrants, hatchbacks, other stores. Miss Elizabeth, it's funny every time. And if you're telling me there's a parade where a float will be slowly moving by in which this comedic capering will be happening right before our eyes, I'm going to freaking get a lawn chair set up right now and wait for the fun to start.
00:11:01
Speaker
Okay, when is this happening, a Christmas parade? In December sometime, yeah. It's gonna be freezing. No, the comedy will keep it warm, Miss Elizabeth. That frantic humping will just delight everybody. I don't know, has there ever been like a snowy winter parade? You'd have to have bulldozers out in front of the parade just to clear a path. Fine, even better. Okay.
00:11:22
Speaker
It's still October, but I'm effing calling it best Christmas effing ever. And man was my Thanksgiving ever effed up. I told you before we always do it early, but my dad was so wasted. He forgot we'd done it already and he called us up a couple of weeks ago and yelled at us to get the F over to his place right effing pronto. I was in the middle of my adult fans of Lego club meeting, which is my effing me time. So I was a little effing hot under the collar when that effing call came in.
00:11:51
Speaker
I didn't know he was a LEGO fan. Oh, yeah, he is. Mr. Elizabeth, he's a multi-dimensional personality. There's more to him than being the paragon of rock in this town. I'm surprised. I would have thought he might have thought that was a nerdy endeavor. I don't know why you would think that. I don't know. Well, he's always, you know, he's always so insulting towards people who are doing, you know, anything else. Yeah.
00:12:16
Speaker
Yeah, but Miss Elizabeth, if you've ever seen him put a Lego set together, you can tell he's bringing the rock even to that endeavor. No, you don't even doubt that. So I head over there and my brother Vance is there with some chick I didn't recognize. She brought her own pizza and just sat there eating it without talking and she wouldn't share any pizza. So she ain't effing high on the old cool chick meter.
00:12:38
Speaker
Anywho, my main squeeze Melinda was able to attend because her boyfriend is hiding from this nut job loan shark and he told her the camper he's hiding in only effing sleeps once so give him some effing space because he's a little effing stressed right now. So that dude's effing misfortune becomes my effing let's freaking get busy right effing now Melinda. Okay sounds like Melinda maybe should dump that guy and maybe also dump Lance also.
00:13:03
Speaker
Ms. Elizabeth, it's the 21st century. This woman is keeping her options open. I can't begin to untangle the complexities of Melinda's thought processes. But if Lance is happy, I'm happy for my buddy. And that's all I'm going to say about that matter. You're a muckraker sometimes, Ms. Elizabeth. You see this relationship. It's working.
00:13:25
Speaker
And you want to get your little seeds of dope planted off-putting, really. Okay, well, Melinda tends to steal things from Lance, and that's basically the relationship from her point of view. I don't know what you're talking about, Miss Elizabeth. Cash registers. Yeah, I was going to say, if you're talking about that cash register caper, that was early on. And point to me, point me at Miss Elizabeth, a relationship that doesn't have Rocky patches. Okay. My dad brought his love.
00:13:54
Speaker
My dad brought his loudmouth girlfriend, Bernie.
00:14:00
Speaker
My dad brought his loud mouth girlfriend Bernice there and it only took three minutes before Melinda and Bernice were swearing at each other and pulling each other's hair and spitting and screaming and really just going snake on each other. I'm making it sound better than it actually was. I wish they'd just effing get along. This is such a sad update. This whole update is sad. Why? The man just wants to do some Lego. He's got this family drama happening. There's a cat fight. Totally unnecessary, apparently.
00:14:30
Speaker
Well, there's no explanation why they're swearing at each other. Bernice is a bit of a loud mouth. I think that's our big clue. Well, Melinda's a bit of a problem character herself. Oh, and Miss Elizabeth are firing ice, those ladies. You put them together and crazy things happen. Apparently. Sometimes Lance is all about the drama and he can't get enough of it, but I think the man just wanted to be left in peace this time. I think he's tired and he just wants to do some Legos.
00:14:53
Speaker
Yeah, Ms. Elizabeth, you're uncharacteristically sympathetic to my man Lance, my body, and it becomes you. I think you might be slipping. Have you begun shedding that coat of many colors that paints you as a loser and a poser sometimes?
00:15:13
Speaker
Are you calling me a loser and a poser? I'm not, Miss Elizabeth, but it seems like you're heading in a better direction than you have been previously. Okay, well, I mean, I think I've reserved that. Hanging around with that goon, Mitch Winchell, makes you think being a loser and a poser is magnetic north, which it emphatically is not. Okay, well, we disagree on that.
00:15:29
Speaker
Well, OK. You see, take one step forward, 10 steps back. OK. Your listener friend, Mitch Winchell, is, of course, the loser and poser who runs the other guitar store in town. Lance is sworn enemy. The antithesis of rock. He's like the anti-Lance. He has an intact store. No wonder they don't. And he services families, including children. And he doesn't have a mascot that humps things and does inappropriate behaviors in front of children. So families trust him.
00:15:58
Speaker
Yeah, and what does that have to do with rock and roll? Well, the children are learning rock and roll. Yeah, they're learning how to be an antiseptic grocery-stealing soup-sipping nerd like Mitch Winchell. You go into that store, it's like Safeway. It's like this is the most clean place. You could serve food in here. It has nothing to do with rock. If you want to keep getting hung up on that hole in Lance's roof at the store, Musique by Lance, go ahead.
00:16:22
Speaker
You like dirty rock. Who, Miss Elizabeth? Who doesn't like getting down and dirty with rock music? Okay, there you go. What are you talking about? I think I figured it out. At least, you know what? We're getting to it. Let's set the show aside and frickin' get to it, Miss Elizabeth, because we're uncovering, we're dancing, we're done dancing around the niceties. This is the issue. Yeah. You think rock is something you kind of daintily dip your pinky finger into?
00:16:48
Speaker
And I think, no, it's a muddy, dirty bog you get neck deep in. OK. So yeah, pick your path. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, OK.
00:16:57
Speaker
Lance's customer review. So I'm in my store minding my own business when these three dudes come in. They've got cowboy hats and belt buckles on and they don't hide the fact they're in a country band. So just just to back up, this is called Lance's customer review, meaning he's going to review a customer as opposed to a customer reviewing. Exactly. The tables have been turned because it's enough one star reviews already. These custom of these customers need a little bit of their own medicine right back at them. So this is this is the best part of the show. OK.
00:17:27
Speaker
All right. Well, let's hear it. Let's hear it. I hear country guys like to booz it up and get stupid. So I went over there in the spirit of effing fun and said, giddy up, cowpokes. Run along, little dog. And one of them effing goons punched me right in the chest. OK, sounds like it was well earned. Assault. Unprovoked assault, Miss Elizabeth. The lance should have called the cops right there. All right. Knocked the effing wind right out of me. I was all, what in the eff? What did you do that for?
00:17:57
Speaker
And they just effin' ignored me. Strum guitars for 20 minutes more before leaving without buying F1 effin' thing. Okay. It's true what they say about country bands. Two and a half stars. Okay, wow. You're pretty blasé about- Two and a half stars? Yeah, I don't know what that means, Miss Elizabeth. Okay.
00:18:17
Speaker
Is that out of five? Yeah, it's out of five. They might come back. He hasn't given up. Miss Elizabeth, he gives people a chance. Wow. That's a pretty bad first impression. Somebody just coming up to you and punching you in the chest for no reason. It wasn't for no reason, but I do agree. Sticks and stones. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So yeah, it's so true what they say about country bands. Thin-skinned.
00:18:40
Speaker
Oh, is that what they say about country bands? I'm guessing here Lance does not elaborate. All right. Top five effing bass players of all time. Bass players. We're going to focus on bass players. Okay. Normally it's top five bands, but he is going to show us now that he's not some ignorant rock fan who just likes the loud noise. He understands that there is a craft and there are craftsmen behind the magic. Okay. Let us list them now. Let us do that.
00:19:09
Speaker
Number five, Rudy Sarzo. Quiet Riot may not have been around too long, and I only know a couple of their songs. And I'm not sure if Rudy Sarzo actually played on him. But I do know that Come On, Feel the Noise is an effing anthem for me to this very effing day. OK, I'm going to have to admit, I don't know very much about bass players at all. Well, you just learned something.
00:19:28
Speaker
So you're a little less ignorant now. Number four, Ian Hill. That crazy effer has kept Judas Priest thumping along all these effing years. I think he's had a beard the whole effing time. He's been in the band and you have to effing tip your hat to that. I feel like I need to fact check some of these.
00:19:47
Speaker
I can guarantee that Ian Hill has a beard, Miss Elizabeth. OK. And has since day one. OK. Number three, I saw this girl Japanese rock band on YouTube, and man, that bass playing chick was cute. I wouldn't throw her out of bed for eating crackers. She could even have an effing bowl of soup to go with it for all I effing care. What did that have to do with bass playing? The cute chick played bass. Oh, OK. A to B to C, Miss Elizabeth. Does that make her one of the top five of all time?
00:20:14
Speaker
Well, she's on the list. Number three, apparently. All right. Number two, Geezer Butler. If you effing doubt this effing choice, I'll wait a minute. Can I just pause again and just say he didn't name the girl. He doesn't know her name, Miss Elizabeth. She's a cute chick. OK. Do you know how the male brain works? You see a cute Japanese bass playing chick and your brain gets scrambled.
00:20:37
Speaker
Okay, so we need to research her name. Yeah, we'll figure it out, Miss Elizabeth. YouTube's ablaze with this chick, so we shouldn't be too hard. Okay. Number two, Geezer Butler. If you effing doubt this effing choice, I'll effing come at you like an effing wild man and not stop because what an effing ridiculous assertion. Who's Geezer Butler? Oh, man. You know, I don't even think I should answer.
00:21:01
Speaker
Black Sabbath, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, okay, okay. Holy smoke. I've heard of Black Sabbath. You've heard of Black Sabbath. I have. Well, that's good. Have you heard Geezer play bass? I guess I have since I've heard some Black Sabbath songs. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, aren't you embarrassed? No, not really. Your cheeks should be burning with shame. Your listener friend, can you imagine in this day and age somebody with all apparent sincerity saying, who's Geezer Butler?
00:21:32
Speaker
I just stupefied. I recently was on TikTok, and I saw this... Oh, there we go. There's the explanation. Deezer's not on TikTok, Miss Elizabeth. I saw this amazing bass player being reviewed by this guy who reviews, I guess, musical prodigies. And I noticed that that guy isn't named on here, although I can't remember his name. He wasn't a goon. He was a young man, a very decent looking man. He might have gone through the mid-quenchal learning program.
00:22:01
Speaker
The very idea that you would evaluate a musician based on looks. Boy, he was fantastic. That shows you how trivial you're being, Miss Lizzo. You could listen to that bassline alone without anything else. And I don't see him in here at all. But he's really good at the bass, is what I noticed. He's a virtuoso bass player. Is there a virtuoso on this list, Jason? There's five of them. Okay, but one of them you don't know their name. No.
00:22:24
Speaker
The cute Japanese chick, Miss Elizabeth. Do we have to spell it out again? It sounds like she's a virtuoso at being cute, which is its own great thing. There is an upside to that, Miss Elizabeth. It doesn't make you a fantastic bass player. Anyways, who's number one? It better be good. Better be good. You won't recognize the name anyway, Miss Elizabeth. He's hitting you over the hill with all these great bass players, and you're like, who's that? Who's that? I don't care about YouTube. You're talking crazy talk today. It was TikTok.
00:22:50
Speaker
Number one, my boy Barney Wastoid. You've never seen it. Barney Wastoid can't see straight. Yes, he can, Miss Elizabeth. And he's one of the better bass players here in Smilton. There's no doubt about that.
00:23:06
Speaker
My boy Barney Waystoid, you've never seen a drunker guy play bass better or funnier? That's what I just said. The man cannot see straight. He sees straight enough. Ms. Elizabeth, he's that thumping powerhouse that keeps Lance Brock's Goin' Snake headed straight up Rock Mount Olympus. Okay. And Lance Brock's Goin' Snake is the band that Lance Brock has started, including yourself in the band. Correct. And your role in that band is what?
00:23:34
Speaker
Rhythm guitar. Rhythm guitar cannot believe that he's relegated you to rhythm guitar when you are... You could be lead guitar. I regard Malcolm Young as my peer, a fellow rhythm guitarist and a great rock band, but unfortunately for Malcolm, our band's gonna leave ACDC in the dust.
00:23:50
Speaker
As soon as we get some songs together and as soon as we have that all-important first gig. I look forward to that day, but I'm not seeing it come any closer. Careful what you wish for. That's it for Rock Talk. Lance Brock is done rockin' and is off to continue rockin' in other effin' pastures. Keep true to rock, shun the losers, the posers and the loser posers.
Music Break: Smile Syndicate
00:24:11
Speaker
Peace, Lance Brock out.
00:24:14
Speaker
That's an appropriate response, Miss Elizabeth. You should be applauding right along with those ne'er-do-wells. Well, you think the ne'er-do-wells are applauding? I know they are. I could see them, Miss Elizabeth. But you're calling them ne'er-do-wells, but they're applauding. Yeah, I don't even know if they know what they're applauding for, but once the stop clock is right twice a day. Okay. Time for some music. I'm gonna reach over. I will. Try to stop me, Miss Elizabeth. Go for it.
00:24:39
Speaker
There we go, Smilton Radio, tuning in, and we're gonna play a song by the Smile Syndicate, Smilton's own Are we ready? Are you ready, Miss Elizabeth? I'm ready! Are you ready to heed this song's advice? Okay! Zip it! Let's listen! Ouch! All day with the jibber jab
00:25:10
Speaker
In a rebel battle gap Spiled a lot of poppycock Drowned us all in foolish talk Sippin', sippin' Your mouth doesn't control Sippin', sippin' Shots at who we hold Sniper's of a party Cause I can't take it
00:25:56
Speaker
Toss one of them back again
00:26:34
Speaker
I can't hold on to the hard wash Fill my ears with films and mush Push long, long, come under one Booby to your folder all Zip it, zip it, come out under control Zip it, zip it, shot that booby hole Like a malarkey
Chaos in Smileton: Traffic Report
00:27:43
Speaker
Zip it by the smile syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. You know, I didn't realize that that song was directed towards me. It's directed towards anyone who runs their yap too much, Miss Elizabeth, so if that particular shoe fits where it was my compliments. Okay, enough fun time. Time for some real information. Okay. Smileton traffic. Yeah, this is practical information, news you can use. It absolutely is, so let's crank the theme.
00:28:11
Speaker
Alright, let's put me in the mood to hear about the cars racing around town. Definitely feel motivated by some of those engine sounds. It's slow going on Angus Pepper Memorial Drive. Some intrepid Northside Community Street hockey players are having a game right in the middle of the road.
00:28:27
Speaker
But that's more like a freeway than a normal street. So that's a bold move playing street hockey right in the middle of a freeway. But they do like to have a few more lanes to play in. It's more roomy and it gives more room for audience too. But the game is bigger than our roads can contain. Yeah.
00:28:43
Speaker
Admirable, but impatient drivers that have started driving through the games. The players are bouncing off the cars like 10 pins shot with a cannonball. It's a dangerous scene down there. If you keep your distance, it could be hilarious because apparently those cars are not slowing down at all. Don't worry about the hockey players. They got their street hockey equipment on there. They're well protected. But momentum is momentum. Ms. Elizabeth, in standing your ground against the 1974 Buick, that's a tall order.
00:29:12
Speaker
Yeah, maybe don't take that memorial drive. Or do if you want to see a show. Some cosplay dimwits are causing trouble on Succotash Street. An impromptu jousting tournament is happening right now in front of Mod's massage. Why are you calling them dimwits? This is an official thing that's happening. Did you hear the rest of what I said? It's an event. An impromptu medieval jousting tournament.
00:29:36
Speaker
Well, I don't think it's really impromptu just because you didn't know what was going to happen. It's impromptu to me because it's on the road. It's disrupting traffic. We're a ridiculous event. All right. Right in front of Mod's massage, people are either pent up. They need to get there. They get relaxed. They can't get to Mod's place. Yeah. It's a powder keg. We have to park away and walk. Well, why?
00:30:00
Speaker
Do you think this faux medieval jousting is more important than humans connecting with each other? Okay, well... Well, in any case, the would-be patrons are getting out of their cars and attacking the knights. So once again, it could be a bad scene, bad for traffic, probably good if you just want to hoof it on down there and watch, because it sounds hilarious. Although the knights could just go into Maud's massage for some instant relief if they do get hurt. Yeah, well, Miss Lisbeth, we can all come together as a community at the end of the day.
00:30:29
Speaker
The goofs dressed up as horses have so far been spared the pummeling blows being meted out to the erstwhile knights. That's lucky. That's one great beam of sunshine there. Okay, so there's no actual horses in this jousting. I didn't realize that. This is- No, no, there's two goofs dressed up as a horse with another goof on them pretending to joust. Got it, okay. Would-be massage patrons are letting their fists do the talking and meeting out some justice. Yeah, okay.
00:31:00
Speaker
Uh-oh.
00:31:09
Speaker
Wow. Pranksters. Prank Squad X. Well, I don't know. This seems to have their fingerprints all over it. A little bit on the unsophisticated side, but I can picture some of these motorists just sitting there screaming at themselves in the mirror for hours on end, not recognizing themselves. Again, another great situation. Don't take your car down there, but ride your unicycle.
00:31:32
Speaker
or hoof it on down. Have you ever seen a cat like fight itself in the mirror? Once or twice? Yeah, so that's kind of what's happening here with drivers. And I sternly correct the beast. Cat, you got to smarten up here. That's yourself. Do you not recognize yourself? Do I need to deny? Do I need to make that collar brighter? Do I need to introduce neon colors so you can recognize yourself? Yeah. Miss Elizabeth, I don't put up with the silliness from cats.
00:32:00
Speaker
Okay, because when they lift up a paw, the reflection lifts up their paw too. It's a challenge. It is. Newly installed speed bumps on Sunshine Lane are taken out of the undercarriages of cars.
00:32:09
Speaker
Only if you speed over them, if you go slow. They painted them the same color as the road, no one can see them. And that's a fun place to speed if I may be so bold. So yeah, they're just broken axes and tires everywhere. It's a horrific sound when you're hitting that speed bump at speed because it's an especially aggressive speed bump. Okay, that's Sunshine Lane then. Yep, so heads up. Sunshine Lane. That's the Smiles in Traffic report. Be careful out there.
00:32:39
Speaker
Wow.
New Year's Resolutions Discussion
00:32:40
Speaker
There's lots of crazy, crazy things interfering with traffic. It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world, Miss Elizabeth. And the traffic report is supposed to give you a little bit of sanity. Well, maybe you can just avoid some of those traffic snarls. Yeah. That's the whole point. If you want to avoid a traffic snarl, listen up. If you want to go see something funny happening, listen up. Will we cover all the bases? OK.
00:33:04
Speaker
Let's cover all the basis for all the promises we made to each other this year, Ms. Elizabeth. The resolutions that we set in stone and we swore we would endeavor to achieve. Jason, I have been working hard to just try to keep up with some of my resolutions. Like, I've got a lot of resolutions I got to admit.
00:33:22
Speaker
So, how about you? How are you feeling about your resolutions? I'm fine. I'm just fine, Miss Liston. I'm seeing the road ahead and I'm pretty proud of myself for all the good work I've done so far this year. So, I'm ready to challenge you on your first resolution right now. So, how's it going with this one? Halloween or not, adding a costume party to people's calendars is always a good idea. Well, yeah, that's true.
00:33:46
Speaker
Yeah, it's easy to achieve your resolutions to keep up with them when it's just meddling It's just meddling in people's lives. You're putting this unwanted stuff in people's calendars Yeah, who do you think is looking for a costume party miss?
00:34:01
Speaker
So the weird thing is I actually have access to a lot of people's digital calendars. Just over the years, I seem to have collected them. So what I can do is I can just add, you know, like a little incentive for people to dress up a little bit more special. Call it a Halloween costume, if you will.
00:34:17
Speaker
I will. And I can just add it in and then they might show up to the next event in that costume and then so if you intend to wear a costume because it's fun you might find that a few other people have as well and then some other people show up that you don't have their calendars and then they're like it's a costume party and they run back to their car take out the costume out of their trunk that they drive around in and
00:34:39
Speaker
Yeah, it becomes more of a costume situation at, say, like, just a regular dinner out or out at day at the orchestra, you know, at the symphony. We do speak the same language, do we not? Yeah. I don't understand one word you just said. No, costumes. That makes no sense to me, Miss Elizabeth. This happy face you put onto a intrusion into them, people's most private business.
00:35:04
Speaker
You're going into people's calendars, putting these weird parties in there. I don't know what is motivating this. And you're telling me you hang around with people who drive around with Halloween costumes in their trunk? Don't you? No.
00:35:19
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I actually take steps to make sure that that's not true with the people I hang around with. You don't have to call them Halloween costumes. I mean, there is a rock lobster, you know, costume going around. Oh, wow, Miss Elizabeth. It's apples and oranges. Hilarious apple versus a boring, weird orange. Yeah, I don't even know how to challenge you on that one because I don't think you should even be... You shouldn't even be thinking of this, let alone trying to do it.
00:35:48
Speaker
OK, well, it injects fun and it just motivates people to think that they're coming up with the fun. OK, yeah. Yeah. Puppet master. You're the puppet master of people's social lives. OK, well, here's yours. Be like that smartass kid in the parkour video. Yeah. Which which parkour video?
00:36:03
Speaker
The one I saw the other day, this smart-ass kid, he was running his mouth, but then he would do these crazy backflips or jumping across buildings in an alley or navigating a staircase in a creative, impressive way. Everybody was cheering him and applauding him. So it says be like... So I gotta add some of that. I gotta take some of that kid's spirit. Unlike you, Miss Elizabeth, I'm always willing to learn from people.
00:36:29
Speaker
And I see this smart ass jumping around like a locust. And he's impressed in people. And I think, I got to get more like that guy. OK. That's what it is. Simple as that. All right. I got to get like that guy. I don't know how to do parkour, though. I can't even do a somersault anymore. Well, maybe if you just take on his attitude, maybe that's what I'm thinking. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. That would suffice, because all you said is be like that smart ass kid. So maybe if you were just more of a smart ass, that would cover it. Yeah, it could be. Could be. I think smart ass plus parkour, I would be up in my game.
00:36:59
Speaker
Yeah, believe it or not, such a thing is possible. You think I'm already firing on all cylinders already, but there's always a way to get better, Miss Lizzie. There's always another cylinder. So to me, that sounds like a real New Year's resolution, whereas yours was just a baffling smoke screen. I don't, okay. I don't feel like we need to compete, but you know, yeah. Well,
00:37:24
Speaker
It's not a competition, it's just keeping... It isn't, Miss Elizabeth. We're just trying to have a couple of lives here, lives well lived. So you don't have to be insulting. It's not insulting, Miss Elizabeth, but we clearly have different approaches here. We do.
00:37:37
Speaker
A homemade superhero outfit will make even the most committed sourpuss smile. Make one today. That's true in two ways. Number A, you can make yourself smile even if you are a sourpuss because you're dressed up now as a superhero. And number two, you make people who are maybe feeling down on their luck, you make them smile out in the street. Do you know how I would react if I created a superhero costume at home and put it on and looked at myself in the mirror?
00:38:03
Speaker
I want to know because you are one of the most committed sourpusses that I know personally. Well, right. And if I looked at myself in one of those get ups, I would weep. You would weep. I would weep. I think you might smile. This is a grotesque summation of a number of poor life choices.
00:38:20
Speaker
OK, I think you would smile. But listen, even if you didn't smile, it would make a sour puss on the street smile to watch you walk down the street wearing that Superman costume. I've got so much on my plate. I can't worry about the interstate of other sour pusses. OK, I don't know if this one really is a New Year's resolution, but here it is. There's no such thing as too much pizza. That's not a resolution. It is. But there's a story behind this.
00:38:46
Speaker
Eat more pizza. Okay, well it doesn't say that in here. Oh, read between the lines. I'm okay. Well, you shouldn't have to on a resolution. I know exactly what this means. It should be very specific. So I'm pointing out a fact. I'm pointing out a fact. Okay. There's no such thing as too much pizza. Okay.
00:39:02
Speaker
Why would I need that fact pointed out to me? Why? Because I failed in some way. Oh, come on. I have in one way or another, my actions have indicated I believe otherwise. Shameful. I got to correct that. There is no such thing. Conduct yourself accordingly. All right. How about, no, I don't think so.
00:39:24
Speaker
You don't think what? There's no such thing as too much pizza? I think there is such a thing as too much pizza. Have you eaten pizza before? I think you have achieved that limit. That first bite, life is good for nothing else. It's that first bite of a pizza slice. Okay, I think the first bite isn't the problem though. I think the problem is when you hit the pizza wall and you try to push yourself through it.
00:39:44
Speaker
What that that's when you know you're in this that's when you know you're warmed up okay I said miss Elizabeth there is such a thing as too much I gotta get my own approach to pizza straighten out and once I fix myself I'll get to work on you okay learn more French phrases to use at the gang's next dinner party oui oi oi miss Elizabeth
00:40:05
Speaker
I don't even know where to start with this one. Well, I do need to learn more French phrases. Those dinner parties you have are pretentious enough. You want to even, you want to just up that. You're thinking you weren't pretentious enough. It's good to practice. Practice makes perfect. I can't take it. The gang. I'm going to call the gang together. We're going to have a dinner party. We socialize in different worlds.
00:40:28
Speaker
Well, I'm going to have to bring you, I think, to the next one. If I tried that stuff with the food court regulars, you know what would happen to me? You'd learn some French? Mockery.
00:40:36
Speaker
Okay, the opposite of mockery would happen. People would be impressed that you had started to learn a second language. I can't learn French, Miss Elizabeth. I've tried. We're living in Canada. It's a weird language. No one can learn that thing. We do have two official languages. We should know some French. We've got lots of languages here, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, but official languages, we have two. Fine. I'm working on other ones. Okay. Primarily English. All right. English is big enough for me.
00:41:00
Speaker
Well, we do still have to learn a lot in English. Hey, I get through this whole show using one language. There's always more words. There's always more words in English. There's always more English words. That's right. Okay. King of Muscle Beach. That's me this summer. That's three sentences. Two of them are not sentences. Actually, none of them are sentences.
00:41:19
Speaker
okay so i don't know i don't understand you're gonna have to explain what is this resolution boy talk about like this why do you think you want to be you want to be the king of muscle beach okay is that because of your muscles
00:41:35
Speaker
The muscles all have. Okay. I'm not jacked enough to be King of Muscle Beach, Miss Elizabeth, because there's some pretty jacked people down there. I wasn't going to say it out loud, but that is the truth. You are not jacked enough to be the King of Muscle Beach. No kidding. Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, thanks for putting it. Thanks for just putting it right on the nose there.
00:41:57
Speaker
Why do you think I created, Miss Elizabeth, if I was already King of Muscle Beach, my resolution would be worded somewhat differently. By the way, do you have to put in a formal application to become the King of Muscle Beach, or is it like a fight to the sufficient? You walk down there, you remove your robe, all doubts are removed. Okay. Yeah, the king is dead, long live this guy. Okay. That guy being me. All right. Well, really? Okay, so that's your goal?
00:42:24
Speaker
It's my resolution. I'm already looking ahead to next year. How about that? I'm going to enjoy the development of that resolution. Yeah, I'm not doing it for you, Miss Elizabeth. I'm there to impress the people I don't know down at Muscle Beach. Okay, sounds weird. Weird. I'm not the one driving around with Halloween costumes in my trunk.
00:42:44
Speaker
Are you sure? Have you checked? We have different goals. Dear listener friend, we're just showing you there's different approaches to life. Here's a fun Halloween costume. The Muscle Man. You just get yourself a He-Man costume with built-in muscles already. You can be the king of Muscle Beach and there's very little... That's the king of loser town. It's a crossover resolution solution. It isn't.
00:43:08
Speaker
Muscle men like me will look down on costumes like that once I'm a muscle man like that. Okay. You think you can slip that one by me? That's a grotesque parody, Miss Elizabeth. From a distance? I mean, people should be keeping their distance on the beach anyway. I don't think they can tell. They can't tell.
00:43:28
Speaker
Oh, you don't have any respect for anything decent in this world, Ms. Elizabeth. I do. I have respect for things. I have respect for fun. Well, I'm going to respect the fact that we are done this segment. And frivolity. There's no frivolity when it comes to resolutions. Dear listener friend, it's time for a song. We've had a bit of silliness there, so we've got to refocus our efforts here. So we're going to listen to one more song by the smile syndicate. And this one's called The Universe Is Nude.
00:43:58
Speaker
So get ready.
Show Wrap-Up and Listener Engagement
00:44:21
Speaker
Does Venus wrap a sash? Does Jupiter fasten his vest and twirl his black mustache? Imagine lords in riding pants like such a silly thing. Would anything be stranger than old Saturn wearing wings? The universe is new, the universe is new. Look through a telescope, change your energy.
00:44:55
Speaker
The universe is new I'm not rude but stripped right now The universe is new Cuz our star on a sweater To ask her rights for caps What kind of shoes do comics have? You mean he earns me chaps? Imagine ones in overalls Quite fanciful as true What if planet X for genes would unite?
00:46:03
Speaker
you
00:46:23
Speaker
On a stage of clothes In the whole cosmos The universe is new
00:46:49
Speaker
Do quasars don a key? Do whiteboards hitch suspenders high or in a bulk of trees? Imagine pulsars wearing boots, can you foresee the day? When we would make a fake fur coat to fit the milky way? The universe is new, the universe is new Look through a telescope
00:47:24
Speaker
I'm not rude but strip right now The universe is new The universe is new The universe is new Look through a telescope Change your attitude The universe is new The universe is new I'm not rude but strip right now The universe is new
00:48:06
Speaker
The universe is nude by the smile syndicate right here. Hello, Smiles. Yeah, what a song. Yeah, that one rocks, Miss Elizabeth. I think that one's on streaming platforms. Every digital streaming platform you can name, dear listener friend, you should go check it out. Go get it on Spotify. Go get it on Apple Music. Go get it on Google Play. Go get it full stop. All those places. That's what the rest of the week is. Dear listener friend, we have given you the fuel now, so go get it.
00:48:31
Speaker
Please come on over to hellosmileton.locals.com or the Patreon page. You can probably figure those things out from hellosmileton.com and give us some support. We desperately need your support. Yeah. These microphones aren't going to update themselves. We need a hardware upgrade.
00:48:51
Speaker
The Commodore VIC-20 we record this show on is starting to show its age a little bit. We need to do some upgrading. So it would be mucho appreciato if you would kick in the big bucks early and often. This has been a fun show, Miss Elizabeth. We're all primed and ready to do it all over again next week with another all new episode of Hello, Smilton. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out.
00:49:13
Speaker
That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week, and as always, remember friend, the sun is the jukebox.