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A Rocket Ride To Funzone, USA
55 Plays1 year ago
Cram this show into your ears and ignite your brain with this high-octane funtime rocket fuel. There's no denying the propulsive energy of the entertainment flying out of this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Miss Elizabeth and Jason are broadcasting from Smileton and their riotous blend of comedy and music has taken the podcasting world by storm.
The mean streets of Smileton have their watcher and Miss Elizabeth reports on the latest from the police scanner in a brand new SMILETON POLICE BLOTTER.
The good people of Smileton have their say and it's sure to leave us vexed and confused. Put on a thick, wool hat and listen to the latest SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD.
Throw in a PAID ADVERTISEMENT from Jason's buddy Lance and two songs from Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE and I'd say this show is more than enough to fill your belly until the next new episode rolls around.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You LIved Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
4:06 Smileton Police Blotter
12:39 Paid Advertisement – Musique By Lance
19:23 SONG – In The Year 2525
22:44 Smileton Community Message Board
37:05 SONG – So Far, No Good
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Transcript
Introduction and Excitement from Smileson
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileson. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileson, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Are you, Jason? Miss Elizabeth, how dare you ask me that? Can you not see how excited I am? You are jumping off your chair a little bit. I'm bursting. I'm bursting with excitement. You're like a popcorn kernel, almost ready to pop.
Jason's Recovery Celebration
00:00:26
Speaker
Health recovered, Miss Elizabeth. I'm feeling much better. I've been sick and not doing well the past couple of shows.
00:00:33
Speaker
Congratulations. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. For once, you applaud at the right time, you applaud for the right thing, and I say kudos to you. I will take a bow. They always have your back, Jason. That's a laughable lie if I ever heard one. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for checking in with us today. You're going to have some fun today, I guarantee it. I feel like a new man.
00:00:56
Speaker
I feel like I am ready to provide my very best to contribute to the success of this show, Ms. Elizabeth. We've got some comedy, we've got some music, and overriding all of that. We've got information. Well, yeah, I was going to say fun, but we can take these different approaches if you think it best. It's informative fun. Well, whatever, dear listener friend, you've got to strap yourself in, because this is going to be a Rocket Ride to Fun Zone USA. Yeah, rockets are on the mind, aren't they, right now.
00:01:29
Speaker
This is like a little sly hint of some of the material to come, but we're getting ahead of ourselves surely. Miss Elizabeth can't wait to get to the content. So what is it?
Eccentric Community Messages Preview
00:01:40
Speaker
Well, later in the show, we're going to be checking in with the Smilton community message board.
00:01:45
Speaker
You know, that has been a stalwart for us all these long years. Yeah, reliable. People have messages and they're in the community and they want to get their message out to the rest of the community. And this is one of the central podcasts in Smileton.
00:02:00
Speaker
It is, Miss Elizabeth, but that doesn't mean we have to put the whole rest of the town on our back and get their messages out on our show, because as you'll see, dear listener friend, there's some weirdos in town, there's some cranks, there's some oddballs, and all we get are bizarre missives, strange utterances. Miss Elizabeth, it's often a vexing segment. It's informative.
00:02:23
Speaker
One way or another, I guess
Sponsor's Unusual Message Delivery
00:02:25
Speaker
you're right. We got to pay the bills, so we're going to check in with a proud sponsor. Oh, we have a sponsor? We have a sponsor today. I didn't catch that sponsorship. Oh, Ms. Elizabeth, I'm going to be so proud to read a message from a Smoughton small business. It came direct to you this time? Usually it comes to me. It did. Ms. Elizabeth, yeah, the person in question bypassed the traditional method of getting an advertisement spot purchased on this show, which is to go to the Smoughton Public Library downtown branch, third floor, bathroom.
00:02:50
Speaker
behind the toilet, stick a 50 in there, and a scrawled message of what you want us to read will read it no matter how crazy it is. I prefer typed 12-point font double spaced. It makes it easy to read. It's more exciting if it's dangerous and scrawled, Miss Elizabeth. I guess. I guess. Well, we're going to be getting to that later in the show. Did you get paid?
00:03:08
Speaker
Yeah, Miss Elizabeth is very keen to know because every time she picks up the money, it never makes it into the hellosmountain coffers. Well, it doesn't away. It goes to the candy store, goes to the tea shop, it goes to the scarf emporium. Okay, well, it goes to maintenance of one of the co-hosts. Yeah, okay, that's what we're here for. Miss Elizabeth is your maintenance.
00:03:33
Speaker
Sometimes. Well, first things first, we're going to do the very first, and we've got some Smile Syndicate songs.
Smile Syndicate Band Mention
00:03:39
Speaker
The hard rockin' band that I'm in, it's definitely one of the mid-tier bands in Smileton, but we're proud to present a couple tracks. Mid-tier. Let's face facts, Miss Elizabeth. I'm wearing my Smile Syndicate t-shirt today. I know, I see. I see you are. I see that you are. It looks good on me. It's a nice V-neck. It's dark brown. I like Arnaud's dark blue, navy blue. I like it. Make up your mind, Miss Elizabeth. I like it. Well, I can't see it.
00:04:03
Speaker
I have to look down to look at it. Okay. Well, I thought we were gonna do the Smilton police blotter, but if you want to do the Miss Elizabeth fashion update, go right ahead. Okay. No, you're not supposed to say okay to that Miss Elizabeth.
00:04:16
Speaker
Call me on my bluff, why don't you? Well, the mean streets of Smilton have a lot of activity, especially after hours and especially during hours. There's no telling when the thin blue line has to jump into action. Miss Elizabeth, nosy as she is, has a police scanner and she keeps her eagle eye and eagle ears on Smilton's finest. So she's going to present some of the latest things she's heard about on the Smilton police blotter.
Bank Employee Chaos Incident
00:04:45
Speaker
Wednesday, 10 29 a.m. Right in the middle of the day.
00:04:52
Speaker
Yes. Right in the middle of the day, police swarmed the downtown location of the first Smilton Bank after reports that an employee at the bank had gone off the deep end. Uh-oh. Who could this be? Officers arrived to find a crazed employee attacking stacks of pizzas that had just been delivered. Oh, dear. Witnesses identified the man as none other than Cal Monk, who recently began working at the bank. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, what a sad tale.
00:05:21
Speaker
Often with the pizzas in Calmunk. Yeah, the man is tormented. We've reported on Calmunk many times in the small police blotter segment. He's always being tormented by this pizza prank. He's trying to get his life in order. He's working at a bank. His past catches up with him again.
00:05:36
Speaker
He apparently became agitated after a pizza delivery kid arrived with eighty seven pizzas. Eighty seven. That's a very specific number and sought payment from Monk as though he had placed the order. I get Miss Elizabeth. It's a classic prank. He promptly attacked the pizzas in a rage and then also began hurling them around the bank because, you know, he's being asked to pay for all of these. He's he's he's he's a hair. He's got a hair trigger when it comes to this stuff. A kid shows up confused.
00:06:06
Speaker
demanding payment for an improbable number of pies. I don't blame the guy for freaking out. Well, he's definitely suffering from some form of PTSD, like pizza, TSD, something like that. Very good. Police subdued the man with tasers and also smoke bombs this time. Smoke bombs? They went a little extra step.
00:06:26
Speaker
The majority of the bank's assets, cash that is stored in bags with dollar signs on them, that's pretty much how we do money here in Smileton, were feared ruined by the pizza malaise. Oh my goodness. The repercussions, Miss Elizabeth. Repercussions indeed. Ruining a bank's assets? I didn't even know that was possible. Police stuck around to today's customers who upon hearing that the bank was insolvent came to retrieve whatever assets that they could,
00:06:54
Speaker
That situation got out of control. Out of control. Order was restored, however, by late afternoon when the money was washed, you might say laundered, and confidence in the bank was returned. But actually just washed clean because it had so much pizza sauce all over it. Exactly. Miss Elizabeth, I don't think the pranksters involved in this had any clue that they would lead to a financial crisis right here in the heart of Smilton. That's right, financial crisis in Smilton.
00:07:21
Speaker
I'm glad that was averted and I wouldn't have guessed that tasers and smoke bombs would have been the key. Everything's fine now. You can put your money back in the bank. Okay, no more pizzas there. The bank swears it won't get any pizza on it anymore.
Ballet Recital Over-Cuteness Incident
00:07:34
Speaker
Thursday 6.03 p.m. 911 operators were flooded with calls after a recital at the Pretty Butterfly Ballet School resulted in attendees reporting that the dancers were quote
00:07:47
Speaker
too adorable for words and quote, I can't take it how much these little ones are just dancing their hearts out. People called 911 to report that they're that they're they're watching these kids dance and they can't take it because how cute it is. They felt it was an emergency, Jason.
00:08:03
Speaker
Police stormed the scene to scold the attendees and issue stern warnings about not abusing the emergency services number. That actually sounds sensible. The officers themselves were utterly uncharmed by the dance recital, which is almost hard to believe actually. No, I believe it. And made their annoyance known by tasing random audience members. Well, okay, that's...
00:08:29
Speaker
Random. Again, if you had led with that sentence, I would have said unacceptable, but there's there's context here. Some of the Zappis had made the calls and some of them had not made the calls, Jason. But the tastings continued until the officers themselves had cooled down a little bit. Okay. Yeah, I feel like emergency services isn't just police. Sometimes maybe an ambulance was required in this case. Yeah, because people were like,
00:08:54
Speaker
They're too adorable for words. They're having a mental problem. They needed an ambulance, not police. Well, I think some random tasing probably did clarify some issues and got some people thinking a little more clearly because no matter how enjoyable a ballet recital by little kids might be, if it's your niece, if it's your grandson, I don't care. You can't be calling 911 to report how proud you are of these kids. Unless you feel like it's an emergency, Jason. Unless you feel like getting tased.
00:09:21
Speaker
Saturday 2, 12 a
Bachelorette Party Steamroller Adventure
00:09:24
Speaker
.m. A good time went bad in the Summer Oaks neighborhood over the weekend. Officers responded to calls that a bachelorette party had gone dangerously out of control.
00:09:36
Speaker
I feel like bachelorette parties should probably be ended before the 2.12 a.m. time period. I think they should have been allowed in the first place. And they arrived on the scene just in time to see the revved up party girls drive a stolen steamroller right on through the front of the tapas bar in which the event was being held. Oh.
00:09:56
Speaker
That's crazy. That's a good type of car. That actually is a crime. That is a crime, and it's a really nice... It is a crime against the culinary arts as well as just property damage. How would you just theft of heavy equipment and vandalism suffices for me? Exactly. Demands to settle down were jeered at by the Bachelorette attendees who proceeded to mock the police and browbeat them into starting a strip tease, Jason. What?
00:10:20
Speaker
Oh, come on. I hope they were promptly tased for their trouble. Weirdly, the officers apparently were unprepared for the drink-fueled determination of the party girls, and they complied with the request and then subsequently left sheepishly after the performance was done. So a bunch of drunken bachelorettes.
00:10:40
Speaker
told cops to start stripping, and they did, and scuttled away with their pants around their ankles. They realized what they had done, and they left in a bit of a shamed feeling. Well, that's a blow against civil society, I would say. One, don't be doing the bachelorette thing. Two, don't be involving stolen steam rollers in your party and activities. And three, leave the cops alone. They were there just to do their jobs. They didn't need to be hectored by you ladies into taking their pants off.
00:11:10
Speaker
Weirdly, we don't know, Jason, how they were able to steal that steamroller. Did somebody leave the key in the ignition? Or did they hotwire it? In which case, that's impressive. Yeah, you're a little bit too happy about this story, Miss Elizabeth. This feels like you. This feels like you. There's some approval coming from your side of the studio. I only feel like I need to know more. Yeah, yeah. And how can you get invited to the next one?
00:11:33
Speaker
Well, I mean, it was a big party. It was a big party. You have to admit. Were you at that, Miss Elizabeth? I was not at that. I would never say to crash your giant machine into the tapas bar. I like that tapas bar. I hope it can get fixed. Well, I don't mind that it goes smashing. That place does nothing for me. I know it doesn't. But the law never sleeps. Prime never sleeps. And you know who else never sleeps, Jason? The Smilton police blotter.
00:12:01
Speaker
Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. You're watching the Watchers. This town, law and order, comes at a price, and it's apparently getting zapped randomly by the police every so often. Or not, or the police coming and doing a strip show for you after you tease them enough. That was a weird turn of events. What a bizarre outcome, and I kind of wish I didn't know what had happened. Well, it did happen, though, and there's photos of it. Can we turn to...
00:12:27
Speaker
Photos well, yeah, of course there's I mean, you know everybody's got their phone out Hey dear listener friends stay off social media. Don't go googling like Any of this any of these occurrences don't Google that. Well, we're gonna turn to something more sane Cold hard cash. Okay, that's like a cool drink of water to sharpen your senses. Is there actually cash there was there was cash. Okay, I
00:12:51
Speaker
Ms. Elizabeth, let's not sully the proceedings by just fixating on the financial transaction. We got to make the town a little bit better by getting the word out about a proud small business. Okay, but first, did you spend it on something nice for yourself? Yeah. Okay. Ms. Elizabeth. That's good, I'm glad. Straight to the food court. Where else do you think I'm going? Okay, good. So you bought everybody a round? No.
00:13:14
Speaker
No, no, no, Miss. It doesn't matter what I got up to, Miss. Elizabeth. It's just a little bit of competitive food eating training. Okay. On some higher end items. So like 20 burgers. Miss. Elizabeth, stop prying into my affairs. Today's episode of Hello Smilton is brought to you by Music Bylance.
Music by Lance Advertisement Drama
00:13:35
Speaker
What's up Rockers? Mitch Winchell let me lay it on the effing line here. You come waltzing into town a few years ago and you build your stupid guitar store and you didn't even eff and ask Smilton if they wanted it. Pretty effing rude behavior from a guy who thinks he's effing God's gift to effing Rock and Roll poster boys.
00:13:54
Speaker
Fog Horn, how dare you interrupt a paid advertisement? I gotta say, like, is this gonna be all about Mitch Winchill and nothing at all about Lance's guitar store? Because I think an ad is not just to detract from your competitors.
00:14:12
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, he's turning the whole idea of marketing on its ear. And he calls his competitor's store, Your Stupid Guitar Store. Yeah. I just have to say, okay, so I object. And Foghorn objects. Foghorn is a sheep and doesn't have a mind of its own. Miss Elizabeth, this is a sponsor and the fact that he's my buddy,
00:14:32
Speaker
has no bearing on the position I'm about to take. There should be some rules though. He has run a guitar store for years in town. A number of years ago, Mitch Winchell comes waltzing into town. No one, he didn't get the right kind of permission. He didn't ask Lance if it's okay if he sets up shop. He just went ahead and did it. Yeah. And now it's really successful and Lance has every right to be peed royally off. Okey-dokes. Okey-dokes. Well, can we get back to the ad because he's just getting going here. He's convincing us to shop at his store.
00:15:00
Speaker
Okay, we'll see. We'll see about that. So your stupid store opens and people get... Once again, your stupid store. Why does... Why? What do you mean, why? I object. The best defense is the good offense. I object. Overruled. So your stupid store opens and people get tricked into going to it and you get a bunch of rock stars to come visit your store and I'll tell you what. I play better than every single sellout poser you ever had in that store. How could he possibly know that?
00:15:26
Speaker
What? Because he got... Miss Elizabeth? He's a rock god, and he's a self-aware rock god. Then, in your crazy brain, you start stealing groceries out of people's cars, which is effed up beyond effing belief. Once again, you didn't ask the town if they wanted this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Because that's actually slander, and it's on paper, so it's liable also.
00:15:50
Speaker
Oh, come on. That's not for publication, Miss Elizabeth. And I don't know where you think you've got in the slightest legal case. This is a paid advertisement. This is not proof. It's never been proven that Mitch Winchell steals groceries out of people's hatchbacks. I'm not going to join up point A to point B with a straight line for you, Miss Elizabeth. You should be able to do it yourself. No, you cannot just accuse somebody over and over and over again for it to become true. Well, Lance would stop if Mitch Winchell stopped.
00:16:20
Speaker
stealing groceries from people's hatchbacks. So you're saying that Lance steals groceries out of people's hatchbacks? No, no. Lance will stop accusing Mitch, which will, as soon as Mitch stops doing the act itself. Well, I just think that he's making it up. If you don't want to get the complaints raining down on you, Mitch will stop doing the crimes.
00:16:40
Speaker
Once again, you didn't ask the town if they wanted this. Whatever Mitch Winchell wants to do is what goes on the effin' menu, I guess. So the town's suffering under this crime wave. All the while, its belief in Rock gets effin' eroded by having a flashy pants poser poster boy tell him that being a loser poser is the essence of Rockin', which talk about effin' blasphemy. Okay, well...
00:17:02
Speaker
And if you're the one who stole my garbage catapult, I hate to effing break it to you. I'm getting it back and I'm aiming that thing straight at your effed up store. You just made the rattlesnake mad Mitch Winchell and somebody's gonna stand up for rock in this town and it's effing gonna be me. Why does he think that the garbage catapult is in Mitch's possession?
00:17:21
Speaker
He has his reasons, Miss Elizabeth, because who else? The better question is why Mitch Winchell has such a bee in his bonnet about Lance, that he has to try to horn in on his business. He has to try to steal that garbage catapult. He's trying to sully Lance's name in this town. Mitch Winchell is pretty clear that the guy with the problem, he's acting out all over the place. Okay. Yeah, it's a disturbing situation.
00:17:46
Speaker
That's Music by Lance, Smileton's only true store dedicated to true rock- What was that for? Because that's hilarious because this is not at all Music by Lance. This was entirely about Mitch Winchell and Mitch Winchell's music store. I don't know what you mean. Which is a really top class store and great for families too.
00:18:09
Speaker
By the way. Wrong again. That's music by Lance. Smilton's only true store dedicated to true rock, rockin' and not being an effin' poser loser. Stop stealing groceries, Mitch Winchell. Stop saying that. Stop saying that. Okay, thank goodness that's over. Lance, thank you for those words. I'm motivated to go to his store right now and lay it down some hard cash on some axes, on some pedals, on some cables, on some strings, on some pics.
00:18:37
Speaker
Okay, well, I don't think- And a guitar case. Okay. To put them all in. And an amp. Okay. See? You see what a good advertisement does? I'm like, give me your money. Take my money. Yeah, he didn't mention any of that stuff.
00:18:51
Speaker
What stuff? Damps and guitars? Oh, a Miss Elizabeth that goes without saying, surely. Music by Lance? It's a paid advertisement. It literally does not go without saying. The point of it is to say it. Okay, well, I didn't get a degree in advertising, okay? I just like rock music. Apparently, that's a crime in this town. Well, too bad, because we're going to listen to some right now. I'm going to reach over, tune in the Smilton radio. There we
Smile Syndicate's Dystopian Performance
00:19:15
Speaker
go.
00:19:15
Speaker
Elizabeth it's time to hear the smile syndicate do a cover song let's do it in the year 25 25 listen in the year 25 25 if man is still alive if woman can survive
00:19:47
Speaker
35 35 pain gonna need the truth tell no lies everything you think you are safe in the pill you took today in the year 45 45 don't need your teeth won't need your eyes you won't find a thing to do nobody's gonna look at you
00:20:47
Speaker
65 65 don't need
00:21:00
Speaker
You'll see a peaceful man is big
00:21:27
Speaker
Man has cried a billion tears For what he never knew Now man's reign is through But through the eternal night The twinkling of starlight
00:22:20
Speaker
25 25 I love that song by the smile syndicate right here on hellos mouth and yeah It's a spooky view of the future spooky it almost feels like it's coming true though I feel like I'm frickin living that song right now Today and the dates are a bit off because it's happening faster than I expected. Yeah. Well, that's what that's the problem with accurate prognostic hating is it tends to hit you faster than you think yeah, I
00:22:44
Speaker
Well, dear listener friend, I hope you're ready for a bombardment upon your brain. Yeah. Messages from people around our dear town of Smilton is a maelstrom. This is a crazy kaleidoscope. You should probably just take a couple of Advil and chase it with a couple of Tylenols right now, because your head's going to be spinning. See your doctor first. No, dear listener friend, ignore Miss Elizabeth. Any medical advice I give on the show should be followed to the letter. Just no. Yeah.
00:23:15
Speaker
I don't care what kind of liability I'm getting myself into, Ms. Elizabeth, I stand behind my words, and if everybody in this world did that, Ms. Elizabeth, I've read. I can Google, Ms. Elizabeth, don't even worry about it. Smile to Community Message Board.
Bizarre Community Message Board Topics
00:23:31
Speaker
Messages from citizens from around our town. Ms. Elizabeth has selected some of the most compelling. Why don't you kick it off?
00:23:41
Speaker
Oh sure, okay. Seriously, shooting down our rockets? Where did you even get that anti-missile system from? Since 1953, the Smilton Amateur Rocketing Club, or SARC, has been filling Smilton's skies with heaven-bound rockets. I told you in the beginning, Jason, this is going to have rockets in it.
00:24:01
Speaker
Uh-huh. To the delight of all, sure there have been a few missteps like us shooting down the airborne Smilton Supermax prison a while back. Yeah. Or us taking out the power station back in 1979 when some of our rockets had a little too much pep and they were more like V2s rather than hobbyist rockets.
00:24:23
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, that was good. Hold town under a missile attack. They were strong. Light out the power station. Those were some spicy rockets, Jason. But for the most part, we've been shooting our rockets straight up. For the most part. For the most part, most people love it, but not everyone. Sure, people have thrown stones, shoes, and other projectiles at our glorious rockets, but never anything like this. Again,
00:24:46
Speaker
Where did these people come from? Where did the anti-missile system come from? Leave us alone for Pete's sake from Anthony, mailbox 9039. Well, I can appreciate you don't like having people interfering with your hobby, but you don't really have a sterling track record there, Anthony. You kind of rain down hell from above every once in a while.
00:25:07
Speaker
Every once in a while. In the name of progress. I think somebody in this town getting with it enough to have an anti-missile system, they're probably on the right track there. Just in case you have another one of your whoopsies and we don't spend the whole winter freezing in the dark because you blew up the power plant again. That's true, but the question is who is setting up this Iron Dome over Smilton? I don't know. Who knows? If I stopped to ask who or why or how come over every occurrence in Smilton, I wouldn't have time to think.
00:25:36
Speaker
Alright, well hopefully we'll figure it out. Wasn't me. I didn't paint the grain elevator to look like a human male body part. Oh boy. It's a clever forgery. Stop accusing me. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but this is causing me a headache. People keep calling the studio saying, what's with you, Eddie Airbrush? What's with the towering human male body part painting? Who was looking for that? Not us.
00:26:02
Speaker
I'm with you, friends. I don't see the need for that either. It's a very clever forgery to be sure, but let me be clear. The artist responsible is not me. Now, if the dollars were to be in place, I would gladly take a commission to replace that painting with something a little more in keeping with the spirit of Smilton, perhaps an armor bikini-clad warrior chick flying her war unicorn through outer space or something.
00:26:24
Speaker
Show me the cash and I'll get to work. Eddie Airbrush mailbox 9805. That's a great idea from Eddie Airbrush. I feel like we should start one of those GoFundMe campaigns. Nah, I'm actually okay with the way the green elevator works. You don't mind that because you know the weird thing about the... It's... Miss Elizabeth, you don't laugh every time you see that. Because the background is very often of the male human body part is like exactly the color of the sky.
00:26:49
Speaker
So it just looks like an enormous, like you can almost, it disguises the fact that it is. Yes, exactly. I go out and I cast my eye over in the general direction of the grain elevators and I see that and I just, a tear comes down my eye and I just gently chuckle and I think, what a world we're living in. It makes us an R-rated town. This is the kind of town I want to, Miss Elizabeth, there's nothing wrong with a human body. And even an overpoweringly towering representation of one part of it.
00:27:17
Speaker
It's over. It's definitely overpowering. It's too much. It's great. Admit it. Okay. Well, all right. All apologies, Smileton, from these Smileton downs. Unfortunately, a poorly thought out promotional event led to a large portion of our audience being stung by bees last weekend. Oh.
00:27:39
Speaker
Were you there for this? No, I skipped that event, Miss Elizabeth. I don't need to be stung by anything when I go out socializing. You were sick, after all. While we pride ourselves on pitting every animal you can think of against each other in a race scenario, we are now forced to concede that involving insects in retrospect does not make much sense. Yeah, that's a bit of overreach. Scale alone, Jason. It doesn't work. Silly.
00:28:06
Speaker
People come to the smiles and downs to place their bets on who's faster, the garter snake or the squirrel, the mule or the jackass, the horse or the dude dressed up like a horse. They don't come to be swarmed on and stung by angered insects. The rumor that these were killer bees is untrue and an unnecessary enhancement of an already insane situation.
00:28:30
Speaker
No more bees, that's the Smiles and Downs promise. We'll keep the racing down on the track and not throughout the concourse as people scramble to find cover from an insect onslaught from Agnes mailbox 4509.
00:28:46
Speaker
I wonder who's running the show down there because this isn't the first time that racing track has had issues with their promotions. Miss Elizabeth, it must be tough to get young people to go down there on a Saturday night to place their bets with animals racing each other, even though on paper it sounds like probably the coolest way to spend any time possible.
00:29:06
Speaker
But there's a lot of competition. You could watch this stuff on in the online for free. But enough smiling and downs. You got to like when you have an idea, kind of run it through in your head, how it would play out if you implemented it in real life. That's a tip from me to you. Some mistakes are difficult to back out, though, because once you've released bees into the area, there's a strong chance they might find a place to nest and they might be creating like a honey hive. So you might not be able to promise no bees.
00:29:35
Speaker
Yeah, she didn't say anything about recovering the bees or getting them back in their hives or anything like that. They're probably freewheeling around town as we speak. You can't recover those bees, Jason.
00:29:45
Speaker
Hey, I do handyman work around Smilton, and I have a request. Clean your house up before I come over? Jesus, some of you people. I'd ask if you were raised in a barn, but barns are cleaner than some of the hovels I've been to. I have to tell you, the houses I work on in Gowers Gulch are much nicer and cleaner. Wake up, Smilton. We don't live in caves anymore. Grover, mailbox 8808. Ah, cram it, Grover. I don't even believe he's from Smilton. I think this is a Gowers Gulch troll.
00:30:13
Speaker
You know, that sounds correct, because his name is Grover, which is unlikely. That's unlikely. I don't know why you say it's unlikely. Ms. Elizabeth, I told you I went to spend the advertising money at this mountain mall food court. And when I'm high rolling like that and I got a bankroll, 50 bucks in the food court, I'm cock of the walk. So I'm chatting up everybody. Hey, how you doing? Three different guys I met named Grover. Really? Not one word of that a lie.
00:30:40
Speaker
okay all right well there's a lot of grovers there's a lot of grovers in the tri-town area i don't think i think just the the fact that this guy sounds like a nitwit and jealous of our town just pins pins him to be us gowers gulch ne'er do well he was just purely insulting and i don't see the point in it yeah well yeah and good choice picking that message miss elizabeth you've got my dander all up yelling about our neighbor town gowers gulch
00:31:02
Speaker
Yeah, that one snuck in there. Sorry about that. X it out. O it up. This is Tina from the Tic Tac Toe Club, Smilton's most fun gaming community. Are you tired of complicated board games that are hard to learn, expensive, and make no sense? Bored of video games that give you a headache and nothing else? Then sign up with us. All we do is get together and we play Tic Tac Toe. I can hear you now, Jason. Tic Tac Toe. Isn't that a boring kids game? Exactly.
00:31:31
Speaker
You couldn't be more wrong. There is beauty in simplicity and science has proven that tic-tac-toe players are more socially well-adjusted, happier and virile.
00:31:46
Speaker
What? I know this one is taking a turn. This is weird. Come on down this Saturday afternoon to the Smileton Rec Center. We'll be the ones smiling and laughing and playing tic-tac-toe. That's the Smileton Tic-Tac-Toe Club. Join us today and remember friends, clothing is optional from Tina mailbox 11549. There's a sting in the tail ending worthy of O. Henry.
00:32:11
Speaker
Yeah, so I have a feeling. Ridiculous. There's some kind of weird thing going on with this club. Naked tic-tac-toe? Yeah. I don't think so. Tic-tac-toe is a cover story, I think. Yeah, not on my watch, Tina. I think it's a swing club. Yeah, Miss Lisbon.
00:32:25
Speaker
I'm just saying. You don't have to, you don't have to hit the nose with a sledgehammer. We know what's going on here. There's a, there's a seamy underbelly in this town. Seamy underbelly. And where are the cops with their tasers now with stuff like this going on? They might be playing tic-tac-toe Jason. Oh brother. Well, yeah, I'm a nut house. This is another Twilight Zone episode for yours truly.
00:32:46
Speaker
Yo yo bop bop did you check out the skizzy? Little bit of beer beer and boom crackle pop lol lighten it up prank squad x style pause pause what in the heck is happening? I chose this one because what in the heck is happening?
00:33:01
Speaker
I'm going to read very deeply in between the lines, a little bit of beer, beer, and boom, boom, so something happened that Prank Squad X is happy about. I think we can determine that much. Are there explosions involved? Lighten it up, Prank Squad X style. Okay. Squares be goggle-eyed at the site. K-Dawg all, you crazies do this and we be all, yup, three times on the sup.
00:33:26
Speaker
Mr. Henderson's grade five class. Okay. For life. Later Broski Skylar mailbox 100 10099. Okay, let's analyze this. Squares be goggle eyed. Okay, so we're the squares. Yeah, so we're looking at something happened. Can't believe that prank squad X are wide like goggles.
00:33:44
Speaker
Yes. K-Dawg. Who's K-Dawg? I have no clue about K-Dawg. Can you crazies do this? K-Dawg is acting useless. Something amazing happened. And maybe I'll yep three times. Okay, Crank Squad X is claiming responsibility for something here. Hang on, hang on. What is yep three times on the SUP?
00:34:02
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, sometimes when you're analyzing texts like these, you got to think he just said that because it rhymed. Skyler, you got to hit the books. You got to go back to English class. We don't understand what you're saying. I understand perfectly what he's saying. He's bragging about a prank squad X prank. Something so amazing that the squares are googled. So the only thing I can think is beer, beer, boom, boom, crackle, pop. Beer, beer, like a laser beam or something. Shooting. Miss Elizabeth.
00:34:32
Speaker
Could he be shooting down? Is he the Iron Dome? He shot there. There we go. The piece was falling into place and the puzzle presents itself looking exactly like the box. Okay, Jason. He acquired an anti-missile system and tested it on the Smileton Amateur Rocketing Club.
00:34:50
Speaker
That's pretty heavily reading between the lines. That is awesome. Prank Squad X, kudos. We're asking you. I was looking at the skizzy myself and I was goggle eyed. I admit I was a square when I saw Prank Squad X raining it down. Okay, this is only a theory we are asking you. Skyler, is this what you meant? Because we have other vocabulary to help you figure out how to express yourself. I think Skyler was pretty clear, Miss Elizabeth.
00:35:14
Speaker
I think he was not clear at all. He's the only one that we've ever had to read like line by line. I know what he's talking about. And once it's all the more satisfying for having worked it out ourselves. Skyler, keep going. That's an amazing prank. Shoot down something else. I think this message board entry was a prank on its own. Every which way. Prank Squad X pranks you. And stop saying negative stuff about them. We don't need them coming down on us. I do not fear Skyler.
00:35:41
Speaker
Yeah, Skylar, she's kidding. Don't listen to Miss Elizabeth, you know that. Come at me, Skylar. Oh, brother. It's fine. Yeah, okay. Well, I'm going to be doing, I'm going to participate in next week's show from a remote location, nowhere near you, Miss Elizabeth.
00:35:56
Speaker
I can't I can't miss this but you do you you know they did they they did this anti-missile prank and they and they were messing around with GP told us the theory they told us they were messing around with the GPS system earlier like these kids their their skills at pranking no no bounds and you want to tempt fate by calling them out
00:36:17
Speaker
Their skills at linguistics are needing work. Why don't you take this impulse to invite trouble and go to a bachelorette party and hector cops into taking their clothes off? I think that's a little less destructive than daring the most diabolically clever pranksters in the history of this town to come at you. What a crazy thing to do. Those both seem evenly fun to me, just both equally fun. You couldn't be more wrong. Dear listener friend, that's the Smilton Community Message Board.
00:36:45
Speaker
I'm all worked up now. Yeah, you're informed. I enjoyed some of those messages and some of them terrified me, so I don't even know what to do. I think I got to clear my head out with another song. All right. And this one's a little bit on the aggressive side. Miss Elizabeth is taking a look at the world around us and saying, so far, no good. Listen.
00:39:03
Speaker
So whilst your markets crash
00:39:19
Speaker
So far no good on the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile Syndicate. Yeah, we're going to make it better, Jason. Yeah, there's some punky late 70s energy to that one. Yeah, indeed. And a lot of angry cussing and demanding we do stuff. And I'm like, slow down there, buddy. I don't know where you're coming from. It's just a bunch of yelling. And why don't you talk to me like a person for once? Yeah, well, yeah. And that's kind of how I feel about Skylar, too.
00:39:47
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I told you not to talk about that kid. Dear listener friend, while that song was on, I had a very earnest discussion with Miss Elizabeth about how she sometimes is very reckless on the microphone, inviting trouble. I got enough on my mind. I can't be dealing with Skylar and his cronies. I'll protect you. Okay, good. Well, dear listener friend, I hope this show has given you what you need to power you through the upcoming week.
00:40:11
Speaker
You had a lot of joy, I trust, coming out of this show. And we're going to be back next week for another all-new edition of Hello, Smileton. I can't wait to see you again. I'm excited, too. Why don't you head back into the archives of this show and its spiritual forebearer, the other podcasts, the Smileton. Smileton to give music hours. That's right. It's been so long, Miss Elizabeth. I know. Well, we're going to keep this fun train rolling. We'll be back next week. But in the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun, Miss Elizabeth.
00:40:41
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is the jukebox.