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Have You Tried The Handsomeness Approach?
38 Plays8 months ago
You're gonna love what's about to go in your ears. I'm, of course, talking about this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Join Miss Elizabeth and Jason as they broadcast from Smileton, the podcasting capital of the world. Comedy and original music are what's on the menu and it's a good thing 'cause yum.
Guiding your choices this week just got much easier. From picking out the best events in Smileton's bustling social calendar in AROUND TOWN to the eerily accurate horoscope that has experts confounded (the ACCUSCOPE HOROSCOPE), you'll find plenty of help when it comes to making choices. Of course, if things go off the rails, you're on your own.
Add to that a paid advertisement from one of Smileton's small businesses and a couple of cracking songs from THE SMILE SYNDICATE, and you'll find you have quite the podcast episode sittin' in front of ya.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
3:34 Around Town
13:09 Paid Advertisement – Big Dish Satellite Dishes
18:03 SONG – New Year's Skeeve
21:20 Accuscope Horoscope
39:06 SONG – Zip It
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Smileton Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to take straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I am ready to have some fun today.
The Pressure of Promising Fun Every Episode
00:00:17
Speaker
Let's go, Jason. Thanks, Ms. Elizabeth. Thank you, dear listener friend, for checking us out today. We're going to have some fun. It's guaranteed.
00:00:25
Speaker
I regret making that guarantee way back when we kicked off this show, Miss Elizabeth, because of the obligation to be entertaining every single week.
Ensuring 100% Fun Content
00:00:34
Speaker
You have to be on. You have to be motivated. You have to be prepared. It's a colossal burden. Here's something that I can suggest. How about if we do the podcast and then if it's not entertaining, we just don't post it. Wow. So 100% of the time that it gets posted, it's always entertaining.
00:00:54
Speaker
we do this weekend and week out. We seem to be batting a thousand so far. We are. Well, that's a pretty amazing accomplishment. Well, you seem like you're in a good mood. Did you have a good weekend?
Elizabeth's Weekend Adventures
00:01:05
Speaker
I did. I had an amazing weekend. It's been bright and sunny. I've been outdoors quite a bit. I've been out with my animal buddies and I've been cooking up a storm. I must say I made the most fantastic chocolate cake. Oh my goodness. Can I just say I'm the Heisenberg of chocolate cakes.
00:01:21
Speaker
I don't know what that means, but it sounds like you're having a good life. And I wish I could report the scene back to you. This weekend was not that thrilling for me. Well, you know what? You didn't come over for cake.
00:01:32
Speaker
I'm not eating cake,
Jason's Food Court Solitude
00:01:34
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth. I've got far more important things to do, like hanging out at the food court in the Smilton Mall. Is that important to do or just something that you do? I've told you before on this very show, it's my fortress of solitude. It's an extremely important place. It's the nerve center of the cultural life in this town. A lot of important chats happen over delicious food. And that's what my goal was. I got a head in there this past Saturday afternoon. I was going to grab a little bit of late lunch.
00:02:02
Speaker
and it didn't go the way I wanted to.
Food Court Mishap with a Fire Extinguisher
00:02:05
Speaker
You had an important chat.
00:02:07
Speaker
I was, Miss Elizabeth, there was no agenda going to the food court. I just wanted to get some food and I went to good time taco and it was going to be great. Nothing like a Saturday afternoon taco. And I walked a little bit too close to a barbecue, Ken's Korean barbecue joint. And he was screaming at some skateboarder kids who annoyed him for some reason. He broke the fire extinguisher out, sprayed them, sprayed me, knocked everything off my tray right onto the floor.
00:02:35
Speaker
Oh my goodness, you do have to keep your distance because those fire extinguishers are full of things that are not flammable but also not edible.
00:02:44
Speaker
I would hope fire extinguishers were not full of anything that was even remotely flammable, that you're going to be spraying it right into flame, or into loudmouth teenagers yaps, and into good citizens' trays of food, which is I include myself in that. That's what I'm saying, not edible. So good news, not flammable. You're not on fire. But bad news, you're eating something that is not edible. You're straining here to find an upside to my miserable weekend. Why did that ruin the whole weekend, you might ask?
00:03:14
Speaker
I'm a sensitive soul, Miss Elizabeth. When that kind of stuff happens, it kind of puts me in a downward spiral. The whole reason I was going to that food court was to cheer myself up. Well, it would have probably cheered people who were watching from a distance. Oh, well, I'm here to serve. And speaking of that.
00:03:32
Speaker
Might as well get on to some content here. We're here to have some fun, so let's kick it off. Okay. Smilton has a lot going on.
Upcoming Smileton Events
00:03:39
Speaker
There's apparently lots of fun stuff to get into and not just watching people getting their meals destroyed by air and fire extinguisher blasts. There's other stuff going on. I have some news. Too much stuff.
00:03:51
Speaker
where it might be difficult to make a choice of how you're going to spend your time. So Miss Elizabeth and I have collected some of the hotspots, some of the upcoming events that we think are worthy of attention in this segment that we call Around Town.
00:04:05
Speaker
So this Thursday evening, Connie's Kettle is going to be hosting a delightful evening of finely brewed tea and poetry. Okay. Tea and poetry. I'm not talking about just any tea or any poetry. I'm talking about the finest tea in the world. That's all that Connie offers. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop here.
00:04:28
Speaker
And I'm talking about poetry reading from human facilitated animal poets. This is specifically the animals are writing the poetry. I get it. Animal poets. Rainbows. You know Rainbows. She's the book writing dog. She's published. Don't talk to me about that dog.
00:04:46
Speaker
Well, I have to talk to you about her because she's going to be a special guest, and I hear that your old friend Bird will also be attending, Jason. He writes poetry, too. It sounds different from Rainbow's poetry for sure. Full of curse words, no doubt. Well, no, not always. Full of spiteful venom? Well, you know, Bird is an adult bird.
00:05:07
Speaker
Yes, a psychopath bird. I didn't say psychopath, I said adult. I said psychopath. Okay. Based on my interactions with that thing, he's not a good egg. He's a bird. He's a bad bird. He's a good bird. Stop it, Miss Elizabeth. He's a good bird. You're pleading for that little animal?
00:05:26
Speaker
I can't imagine how foul that poetry must be. Plus, I do not believe that any of these animals wrote one word down, human facilitated, there's the joke. Well, they don't always write them down because they can't always write with... Right, so humans write it and in their demented brains they pretend it came from the mind of an animal. They communicate to their animal facilitators. Bird can use a typewriter, but he has to hunt and peck, as you can imagine.
00:05:54
Speaker
Dear listener friend, if you're into wasting your time and showing up at Connie's kettle and just having your mind blown at the carnival on display, then go to it. If you have the energy. This is one of those things, one of the many things around these days where you have to play along. People aren't content with just indulging in their fancies. Everyone else has to indulge them too. And it's exhausting.
00:06:18
Speaker
Okay, this Thursday, be there or be without poetry. Fine. You can either waste your time doing that or you can do something community minded, civic, doing your civic duty and helping out your fellow man.
Lance's Guitar Store Needs Community Help
00:06:32
Speaker
I'm talking about helping out Lance. My buddy Lance runs the best guitar store in town.
00:06:37
Speaker
Is this like a community event or is this just a community event? It is a community event. It's not an advertisement for the greatest guitar store in town that fulfills all your rock needs with reasonable prices and it's also equipment. I'm talking about something.
00:06:52
Speaker
fundamental here Miss Elizabeth and that's brotherhood and that's two brothers getting angry at each other and maybe one of those brothers in this case Vance getting in in that jacked up four by four truck he's got that monster truck actually. Are they gonna put on a show for everyone?
00:07:09
Speaker
No, he did already. He got mad at Lance. I don't know what they were fighting about. He hopped in his monster truck and he drove right over the store. Oh. So there's a damage, Miss Elizabeth, that needs fixing. Even more damage. What do you mean, even more? Well, there was already a giant gaping hole in the ceiling. A little bit of character, a little bit of rock and roll. I'm not going to complain about that. I'm going to talk about all these new holes and cracked
00:07:34
Speaker
when the smashed windows and Damaged walls and even more holes in the roof because this monster truck roaring on over top of the store Lance had a little bit of a lean holiday season He doesn't have a ton of cash right now to do all that fixing up So you always talk about doing an old-fashioned barn raising. Yeah to solve a community's problem Well, this is what's on on the books right now. Come on down
00:07:57
Speaker
Let's go. Dear listener friend, you got nothing going on. Come on down and help us help Lance. All you have to say is barn raising. I think we're all going to be there. Let's go. Swing a hammer. Cut some wood. Let's fix that store back up to its glory so it can meet the rock needs of the citizenry.
00:08:16
Speaker
Put a roof on Lance's store, finally. What do you mean? No, it'll be restored to its original condition and that hole, that original hole that connects the store to Rock Mount Olympus will remain intact. Oh, you want to keep the hole in the ceiling?
00:08:30
Speaker
The original one, yeah, not all the new ones though. That's weird, okay. Springtime is on its way, Jason, and what better way to celebrate springtime friskiness? As you know, friskiness is part of spring than with a saucy charity event. Yeah, no sale.
00:08:48
Speaker
No, thank you. I think whatever it is, I'm not interested. Wait till you hear. This Saturday, join me at the Smilton Community Center when I host the Fight Fire with Handsomeness fundraiser.
Fundraiser for the Handsome Community Fund
00:09:02
Speaker
I will be joined by the Smilton Handsome Firefighter Brigade and we're going to be raising funds for the Handsome Community Fund. Can you say that word enough? The Handsome Community Fund.
00:09:14
Speaker
Handsome. Handsome. Handsome. They're so handsome. Okay. Who cares? They're crap firefighters. A fund dedicated to furthering the community through handsomeness.
00:09:28
Speaker
There's gonna be photo opportunities. And you can get a photo, Jason, with the Handsome Firefighters. A Q&A and maybe a dunk tank or two. Uh-oh. A dunk tank. Yeah, a dunk tank in February. Good idea. Handsome Dunk Tanks, Saturday afternoon handsomeness charity fun times for all. Talk about off-putting. It's easy to take money off people when you're handsome. You know what?
00:09:54
Speaker
I think it's going to be a lot of people standing around smiling and nodding at each other and isn't everything so handsome right now and then nothing gets done. Well the money's going to change hands. You're bilking the innocent populace. They're not so innocent.
00:10:08
Speaker
Okay, can we get on to something a little more pressing? Okay. A little more important. Okay. It's Mountain Betterment Society. Okay. We're going to try this again. All right.
Volunteers Needed for Smileton Betterment Society
00:10:20
Speaker
How is it coming along? So this is the society that you created. Correct. And that you invited people to join. Correct. And as of now, has anybody joined except for you? No. Okay. So this town needs a wake up call. And as a wake up call, that's exactly right. Hit the music. Okay.
00:10:36
Speaker
We're gonna do a public service announcement right here for the Smiles and Betterment Society. I don't think it's the time we're placed. Tough. Tough. Tough darts.
00:10:54
Speaker
I need new members. I told you this before, dear listener friend. If you're listening and you haven't volunteered, and I know you haven't, because no one has. Have you tried the handsomeness approach? No, I haven't, Miss Elizabeth. I've tried the gritty reality. We got a big job, so frickin' put on your boots and let's go. Let's better this town. Okay. Do you have projects? Yes. Okay, what are the projects? I announced them in previous public service announcements.
00:11:22
Speaker
I'm doing my best, but the lack of interest shown by my neighbors is completely stymieing at this point. I told you in previous public service announcements that we needed to lie ourselves, get together, and get rid of the scourge of males wearing flip-flops. Okay, which is in winter. Of dinner theater. Hang on, in winter, let's just do a flip-flop. Of foodies.
00:11:47
Speaker
Okay, but with the flip-flops, let's take these one at a time. Flip-flops may be not such a big concern for people in the wintertime. I'm preparing for the summer. No one's interested in helping me stop these things or any of the other problems facing our town. Foodies. People like food. Yes, no one likes foodies though. Dinner theater is a monstrous abomination that needs to be driven out of this town like a rat.
00:12:12
Speaker
I want to help you. I think that we know you don't want to help find causes that connect more with people. I don't pick the cause. I just I'm dealing with them in the order of the problems are presenting this town. I think Smileson is pretty good already. I must be the crazy one.
00:12:30
Speaker
Yeah, I think it might be the crazy one. Okay, smile to mall, food court, lunch time, Tuesday, come find me, stand up for your community, stand up for yourself. We gotta fight the ne'er-do-wells. Okay. This town isn't gonna save itself, so we're gonna have to save it bad from itself, yada yada. I'm getting tired of saying it because no one wants to help, but I'm not giving up yet. Okay, cut the music. This has been around town, bring up that other music.
00:12:57
Speaker
this has been around town boy oh boy blood pressure and raising uh fixation inducing are you okay no okay well you know what makes me calm down gold guard cash hey advertisement okay
Advertisement: Big Dish Satellite Dishes
00:13:13
Speaker
We got a, we got a proud Smilton small, small business who's to get their word out on our show. And I'm only too happy to do it. Today's episode of Hello Smilton is brought to you by big dish satellite dishes, the home of modern entertainment.
00:13:30
Speaker
Tired of the old rabbit ears on the old TV? Tired of only getting three channels? Tired of seeing movies only to have all the good parts where she's totally naked cut out? Then it's time to up your TV game, my friend. It's time for satellite amusing. Yeah.
00:13:48
Speaker
What, you like your three channels? Over the air, rabbit ears, interference, all the good parts cut out? You're complaining about the nudity being cut out, and that's funny, but I mean, I gotta say, it is annoying that they cut out the parts that you remember from your childhood. I'm talking about here and now. What if I told you you could have dozens of channels flooding into your living room? From whence could such an entertainment bounty flow, you ask? What about the internet?
00:14:15
Speaker
Would you drop dead if I told you outer space? No, the internet. This is nothing about computers, Miss Elizabeth. This is about watching TV properly. Okay. That's right. The entertainment from tomorrow is beamed to us from across the stars and the only thing we need to receive these gifts is to install a gigantic satellite dish in our backyards.
00:14:35
Speaker
Why haven't you done this already? I know. OK, wait a minute. I thought, so is this company talking, but is there an actual satellite going to be like, like above? There's a network of satellites launched in the late 70s. That's how TV gets broadcast, Miss Elizabeth. We shouldn't need a huge dish in our backyards if there's a good enough satellite up in space. Oh, your space is kind of far away. You need a big dish. I don't know what you're talking about. Sea sporting events with no commercials and the announcers just sitting there waiting for the commercials to end.
00:15:05
Speaker
see new newscasts from a town you don't even live in, see movies where she totally takes everything off and just walks around like it's no big deal. Oh my goodness. From the dozens of channels you'll have access to, many will be scrambled, but there are a few where they show movies where you can totally see everything. If that's not worth installing hundreds of pounds of equipment in your backyard and moving to a new home if your backyard isn't so facing, then I don't know what it is
00:15:32
Speaker
Is this a real thing? I'm just concerned about the, some things are scrambled. What's going on there? Scrambled channels. Yeah. The people broadcasting signals got hip to people putting big satellite dishes in their backyard and they started scrambling the channels to make you pay to just de-scramble the code. Oh, I see. This is a way to kind of hijack the satellite channels.
00:15:54
Speaker
It's just being broadcast and if those beams are hitting my backyard I can surely I can set up a dish to receive them. This is like a piracy thing. I'm dropping my prices because I've got over a thousand of these in a warehouse and they're not selling because apparently people are fine with three channels and movies where they don't show you anything. People are funny but I'm not kidding when I tell you big dish satellite dishes has the best satellite dish deals in town. I'm not kidding.
00:16:22
Speaker
So, rent a very large moving van or find a guy who has a large flatbed trailer and come on down to big dish satellite dishes. Starting at prices as low as $4,000, you'll be able to watch movies where she doesn't have one stitch of clothes on at all in the comfort of your own home. The future is here, the future is now, the future is satellite. Why is this all about nudity though?
00:16:45
Speaker
big dish satellite dishes were located across and down a bit from mods massage beam yourself into the future of entertainment okay this this went weird this just turned into pirate porn piracy what are you talking about this turned into nudity nudity programming talking about receiving movies that are soft core at worst okay at the worst over this Elizabeth these are proper art movies
00:17:08
Speaker
These are movies that if you try to watch them on TV, all the good parts will be cut out. There's only one way to get that stuff. And that's with a big satellite dish. And that price seems pretty reasonable to me to be able to watch sporting events with no commercials. I don't have to go through the list.
00:17:24
Speaker
an astounding array of entertainment on tap if only you had the gumption to set yourself up for it. OK, well, big dish, satellite dishes. Thank you very much for supporting the show. 50 bucks. 50 bucks. Not a bad deal to get your word out on this show. Appreciate that. We've got to figure out how to broadcast this show on the satellite.
00:17:42
Speaker
Then we'd be reaching people across the globe. But it sounds like people won't be paying for our program if they're pirating at that. That's okay, they'll support us in other ways. Music. Time for some music, Miss Elizabeth. Let's reach over to the Smoughton Radio and tune in something good. Alright, up next, New Year's skiv. Let's listen.
00:18:12
Speaker
Five, four, three, two, one The New Year's finally here Let's sing that song and have some fun Celebration time Let's go dance, the night's still young The crowd is all a jumbo
00:18:35
Speaker
Someone just kneaded in their hand. People crammed to close. This isn't going how I planned. New Year's keep. Choots up your spine. It's the hoot of the time. New Year's keep. Put some pin in your thumb. Now the good times are done. New Year's keep. New Year's keep. A new year's finally here.
00:19:04
Speaker
Let's sing that song and have some fun celebration time Let's go dance the night still young New Year's keep Shoots up your spine, it's the hoot of the time New Year's keep Puts a pin in your butt, now the good times are done New Year's keep, New Year's keep
00:20:04
Speaker
What just brushed my neck? My shoes are sticking to the ground Something dripped on me Let me off this merry-go-round New Year's scheme Shoots up your spine, it's out of the time New Year's scheme
00:20:25
Speaker
Put some pain in your bum, now the good times are done New Year's keep Truth's up your spine, it's a hoot of a tie New Year's keep Put some pain in your bum, now the good times are done New Year's keep, New Year's keep
00:20:51
Speaker
New Year's Ski by the Smile Syndicate right here on Smile can radio broadcasting on Hello Smile. Oh, right. Good job. My hard rockin' band, Miss Elizabeth, is hard at work on new songs, which may see the light a day before the end of this century. Oh, that'd be good. But no promises. And there's plenty more of where that came from if you just go on any digital music streaming platform and look up the Smile Syndicate and you'll get your ears rocked right off your head. All right.
00:21:20
Speaker
Well, the month ahead has been underway for quite a while now. It has been. We're getting towards the end of the month. Did you notice to your listener friend that your life is in shambles? Did you notice you've been making a lot of poor choices this month? Do you feel a drift? I do. Well, because you haven't been getting the proper guidance, and that's because we haven't checked in with the Accuscope Horoscope in too, too long.
00:21:45
Speaker
I hear music.
Humorous Zodiac Predictions
00:21:47
Speaker
Let us peer now into the never-ending whirlpool of my seething id. We're gonna climb in the bathysphere. We're gonna go down into those unenlightened depths where the primal energies come together to prognosticate a future all too probable.
00:22:07
Speaker
Alright.
00:22:23
Speaker
The sign of the fish man is. And here's what you have here. What are you doing? You work at a Swarovski store and you wear that sombrero to work. Working there is going to end up costing you money, dummy.
00:22:39
Speaker
Yeah. Pisces not thinking things through. Sombrero is a good look. It looks great. It's stylish, but it's a big hat. And you're working in a store that all they do is sell delicate crystal things. You're going to knock stuff off. You don't make that much there. Especially if you have those dangly things coming off of the sombrero. It's swinging around everywhere. It broke it. You bought it. It applies to employees of the store, too. So Pisces, once again, courting trouble. Yeah. Are these just words hurled into a wind to be ignored by a
00:23:07
Speaker
Stubborn jackass! Time will tell. Just give me an idea. You know those little dangly things coming off the sombrero? What if each and every single thing of those things could be a little spirovsky crystal? Yeah, that'd be the most expensive sombrero in the world and Pisces would figure out a way to break and screw that up too. Yeah, they might get broken. Aries. Urinaries if you were born between March 21st and April 19th.
00:23:32
Speaker
Your reputation will proceed to you this month. Unfortunately, your reputation is that of a hot-headed jackass and the loan manager you're trying to get that car loan from is all too aware of this. Well, yeah. Like, again, Aries?
00:23:49
Speaker
We try to help you on the Accuscope Horoscope, but you sometimes you don't want the help, and you're starting to get a reputation out there in the real world, and it's going to start affecting you. So this is a pretty fundamental piece of advice for you to change your ways because other people are caught on with the kind of shenanigans you're getting up to.
00:24:08
Speaker
Yeah, cool down. Don't be such a hothead. And of course, Miss Elizabeth, this applies to every single Aries on planet Earth. Yeah. Going for that car loan. It could be a big month for Aries, but they just gotta play their cards right and they gotta change their course. Okay. Taurus, you're a Taurus. If that birth date falls between April 20th and May 20th.
00:24:28
Speaker
A friend will set you up on an exciting blind date. It's with an executive from a top fashion magazine. They'll pick you up and take you to the fanciest French restaurant in town. Jason, pause. What I like about this prognostication is that it's actually telling something about the future.
00:24:49
Speaker
Yeah? I like that. Unfortunately... What is that? Odd? You talk like that doesn't happen. Because you're specifically saying something that's going to happen. So it makes me feel excited. You know, something might actually... Well, it's a horror score. Unfortunately, they'll spend the whole time screaming at underlings over the phone. You excuse yourself and head to the washroom. A plan to escape through a window goes awry when you get yourself stuck and the fire alarm goes off and handsome firefighters come in. Hey! I added handsome.
00:25:19
Speaker
You added handsome- I-I-I Forbid you to change one word of the horoscope, Miss Elizabeth. They come out of my subconscious just like this, unfiltered. You're sawing the message.
00:25:32
Speaker
They come in and rescue you and give you static about being stuck in the window and they tease you about being so messy because before you got stuck in the window, you'll accidentally step in a clogged toilet, which will do a real number on your shoe. When you get back to your table, you see that your date has taken off and stuck you with the bill. So how do you like that future? So okay, so the prognostication is indicating don't go on that exciting blind date.
00:26:01
Speaker
Um, I think it's up to you what to make of that, Taurus. That's just what's gonna happen. Okay. Do you have the power to change that future course? I don't know. I think, like, one benefit of that whole situation could be that you meet a handsome firefighter. Well, again, you stuck the word handsome in there. Now you're trying to change this. I'm thinking something a little more practical, like, wear rubber boots to this date. Okay, that's probably gonna be more comfortable for you.
00:26:27
Speaker
Gemini, May 21st to June 20th. Your friend from the gym is really into voodoo, and a financial challenge will prompt you to utilize their supernatural skills to bail you out. It's gonna work super well, and guess what? You're gonna own that frickin' gym. Wow.
00:26:46
Speaker
Gemini, nice. You never know what can help, Miss Elizabeth. Gemini probably didn't start this month thinking, I got to get a little bit of help along via voodoo. Yeah. And here we are. Or here you will be. Yeah. I just hope Gemini keeps a level head once they own that gym.
00:27:07
Speaker
Because, you know, they might go to the well again and figure they could expand their gym empire. Going back to Voodoo and then you get into Voodoo too much and then I don't know, there's probably a price to pay. It's not all freebies from Voodoo. But, you know, at the beginning, just go ahead and lean into it.
00:27:24
Speaker
Yeah, well, that's the short-sighted advice I look to you for Miss Elizabeth on a frequent basis. Yeah. Cancer. You're a cancer. If that old birthday happens on June 21st or the 22nd or the 23rd, 24th, 25th, all the way at 26th, 27th, and if you want to keep on zooming ahead all the way up to July 21st. Heads up. 22nd.
00:27:52
Speaker
Okay. Heads up. Sorry, I cut you off there. You were trying to list all the dates. Yeah, there's some dates in the middle I didn't get to, but I'll circle back on those. Heads up. Christy heard that you were having a dinner party and you haven't invited her. She's planning a rival dinner party and will attempt to steal your guests away.
00:28:11
Speaker
Yeah. Heads up. That's heads up. Yeah. I took the liberty of calling her caterer and posing as her to cancel her booking. I then set about ruining Christie's reputation with not only that caterer, but all the other caterers in town. She ain't hosting no dinner party anytime soon. So don't say I don't do anything for you. There you go. I'm just wondering, who is this strange speaker? Who is this mysterious speaker? Me.
00:28:39
Speaker
It's you. Well, the inner mind is inside my brain. So you are going about ruining people's reputations with caterers. Just cancers. All over every planet. Well, this is the future and I got a big job in front of me, but yes, that's the plan. There's a lot of dinner parties to ruin here.
00:29:03
Speaker
But that's why I said don't say I don't ever do anything for you cancer cuz it's back It's a backbreaking amount of work. You know, do you know how many cancers there are in the world? Do you know what I'm thinking too many invite her and maybe both of you have dinner parties at the same time like Together or else like one after the other and halfway through this miss Elizabeth. I'm not stopping now. Okay Leo If you are of that virtuous stripe to have been born a Leo
00:29:32
Speaker
Yeah? My birthday falls between July 23rd and August 22nd and so does yours.
00:29:38
Speaker
And the only thing that is written here is, find a different cobbler. And so if that's the only recommendation, may I suggest blueberry? What? A blueberry cobbler. Again, sullying. No thank you. Nothing to do with food. Everything to do with having your footwear attended to properly. That's all I'll say. Find a different cobbler. That's your mission this month, Leo. You're talking footwear.
00:30:05
Speaker
Yes, but I'm going to suggest go ahead and just use the because words have different meanings and your brain maybe is connected to different ideas in the wider universe. Correct. So maybe it could also just just mean like go for a blueberry cobbler or go for a peach cobbler.
00:30:21
Speaker
Just a different one from whatever. If you're Blueberry now, go for Peach. Okay, Leo, any Leos listening, organize yourselves. Half you take the right interpretation, the other half you take Miss Elizabeth's faulty interpretation, and then we'll circle back at the end of the month to see whose life is on the forward path and whose life hit the ditch hard. Alright. Virgo, you're a Virgo if you were born between August 23rd, September 22nd.
00:30:46
Speaker
Everyone at physio will be totally charmed later this month when you tell them how a huge disco ball fell on your ankle shattering it. They're gonna be charmed by that? And before that, a huge disco ball will fall on your ankle shattering it. But uh, dumb. Yeah. A little bit of fun from the inner mind.
00:31:11
Speaker
Telling you the fun part first and then telling you the necessary nastiness that lets you have that fun time up front. Okay, so I'm a Virgo, so I need to watch out for falling disco balls. Yeah, essentially. Okay. Well, unless you want to be charming, then just let it happen. And then just as you as you wince and you feel the pain of your ankle getting broken and you think, at least I got a good story. Okay, I don't care how good the story is. It sounds like it's going to hurt a lot.
00:31:38
Speaker
Well, that's why you got to look at the upside. That's what you always do. So do in this case as well. All right. Libra, September 23rd to October 22nd. Take it easy, Captain. No one believes you used to do boat charters in your previous job. And that story you keep telling about being shipwrecked with a wacky cast of characters is way too much like Gilligan's Island to be believable. I was just thinking that. Yeah.
00:32:03
Speaker
Retire that story because it's making people feel sorry for you. Oh, no. Some straight advice for Libra on this month's Sachyscope Horoscope. You're making a fool of yourself for that story. Everybody, as soon as you start telling it, you take people right out of reality. They think you're demented. They think you're talking about Gilligan's Island.
00:32:23
Speaker
Clearly is not a true story and it clearly did not involve you, even if it was. It might have happened. I mean, if you do get shipwrecked and you're a captain, there's going to be a cast of wacky characters because there always is on your boat. How far away are we from the ocean here in Smileton, Miss Elizabeth? At least 1,000 kilometers. Well, we do have a river. Yeah.
00:32:43
Speaker
Yeah, so you can charge our boats down the river and you can that river ends up in Hudson Bay, Canada. You can be shipwrecked and then you can have no one's taken charters out there. Miss Elizabeth. That's a cold place. All right. Scorpio, October 23rd, November 21st. You've been spending the last three weeks sitting at a radio station with a hand on a hatchback.
00:33:05
Speaker
in a foolish attempt to try to win the thing. Oh, it's a win the hatchback thing. You do realize that that car is just the Fartmobile with a new paint job, right? They took the motor out of that thing years ago and only tow it around for radio show appearances these days. They're laughing at you. Take your hand and the rest of your sorry self and stop letting that crappy radio station play you for a sap.
00:33:29
Speaker
You want to talk about practical advice? So you've seen somebody actually with their hand on the Fartmobile? Scorpio! They don't even recognize it. I'll admit, when that radio station brought out the Fartmobile originally and brought it around for promotional appearances, I thought it was funny. But that was the 90s! Miss Elizabeth, times have changed. It's gotten old. And now Scorpio's wasting all their time and they're being played for a fool and I won't sit idly behind letting it Scorpio stop. It's not even a real car.
00:33:59
Speaker
They could win, though. And then what did they win? They're going to get laughed at. They're going to open up the hood. There'll be nothing there. Yeah. And then and then what is like, you don't get to win this anyway, because this is a farm mobile and there's no way we're giving this thing up.
00:34:12
Speaker
Oh, you think that they're not going to give it to you? No, they won't. Oh, okay. I don't think so. Scorpio, get out of there. Put your hands in your pockets and walk a slink away from that whole scene. Okay, that's a good idea. Sagittarius, November 22nd to December 21st. Now this is a pizza, Sagittarius. Yum, yum. You should totally open up a pizza joint then franchise the hell out of that thing. And I'm going to need at least 35 points on the deal because this is my idea and it's a good one because this is effing amazing pizza. Damn.
00:34:42
Speaker
That's right. No commentary necessary. Sagittarius, get busy. And I look forward to my checks coming in from this great idea. I'm not a Sagittarius, but I do make amazing pizza. Could this possibly apply to me? No. Really? No. Okay. Try Sagittarius' pizza and then forget you ever tasted it because you're not stealing that franchise out from under me. Capricorn, December 22nd to January 19th.
00:35:09
Speaker
Never go to that restaurant again. Turns out there was no issue with your debit card. The server was just lying to you so that they could get four hours of free dishwashing out of you. Nice work. So they took your money and they made you wash dishes and you didn't get paid. Or they didn't take your money. Did they take your money or not?
00:35:33
Speaker
There no, I think they were just playing a joke Because it I think what happened is that they claimed that the car didn't work Maybe they purposefully ran it in wrong or disconnected the okay debit machine So you didn't pay no, but this is Capricorn this is informing Capricorn after the fact that something funny happened to them They were tricked into doing four hours of dishwashing a for a meal that they had
00:35:56
Speaker
didn't even need to pay for. And it's just to kind of say a nice word. Don't do it again. All right. Aquarius, January 20th to February 18th. You want to get into what now? Stunt work? LOL. Gonna jump off buildings without a parachute and do really crappy at it and keep practicing until you get better? Sounds good. I'll come visit you in the hospital or the morgue. Oh, no.
00:36:24
Speaker
Aquarius wants to- Your forecasting Aquarius is gonna die maybe. Aquarius wants to do stunt work and it's hard to see how anyone could be a novice and then getting to expert level without destroying themselves in the process. Yeah, this sounds like something that you might want to dedicate yourself to do and I'm glad if your advice is don't do this to other people, like your advice to other people is don't do this because I feel like this- So you're saying it's something I should consider.
00:36:53
Speaker
This comes across like one of your New Year's resolutions. Yeah, you're right, it does actually. It does, yeah. Hmm, I gotta figure out how to do this then. Thanks, Miss Elizabeth, that's a good idea. You're not an Aquarius, though. I'm gonna do it anyway. Horpto, you're a Horpto if you cling to the ancient ways. That most ancient sign of them all, we were all Horptos once. The great sundering split us into the chaotic panoply we see before us today, and what a sad state of the world.
00:37:20
Speaker
I don't know how to calculate it if you're a Hoopdo anymore. It's too complicated. I do know, but I'm not going to explain it. I don't know how to explain it any
Mysterious Horpto Sign Prediction
00:37:29
Speaker
better than that. You know you're a Hoopdo if you are one. Incorrect. And here is the Accuscope for you. You will be forced to make a choice in the K-pop versus J-pop war, and you're going to choose poorly.
00:37:42
Speaker
Yeah, I have no dog in that fight. Oh, okay. But Horptow decides to wade in on this contentious cultural minefield and they make a bad choice. I would say like just go for both. So listen. Yeah, it's not one or the other. J-pop aficionados have no time for K-pop aficionados and vice versa. Okay, well, I think let's just all be friends and love each other.
00:38:07
Speaker
Okay, I don't know what kind of dreamland you're living in, but I live in the real world, Miss Elizabeth. I live in Smilton. And because we all live in the real world, we need guidance, and that's what was just provided by the Yachtskope Horoscope. Well, thank you. And how are you feeling now? Mm, uh, anxious. You got a lot off your chest. Indeed. So a little bit of pressure was off, but it's going to be a challenging rest of the month to be sure. And it's good thing we've got some solid ways to guide our choices. Thank you for that.
00:38:35
Speaker
We're going to listen to one more song, Miss Elizabeth. It's time for music to set us up for success in the upcoming week. Smile Syndicate says play a song already.
00:38:46
Speaker
I was literally about to say the title of the song and that jackass jumps in and makes me think I shouldn't even do it. Okay. I should just end the show right now with no song. And if you want to write an angry letter, dear listener friend, write to Sam the soundboard guy. What's the selection for today? Zip it. Let's listen.
00:39:18
Speaker
All day with a jibber jab Spinnin' with a bafflegap Spout a lotta potty cock Drownin' some foolish talk Sippin', sippin' Your mouth's out of control Sippin', sippin' Shut that kooey hole Stifle love and guard me in Cause I can't take any more
00:39:59
Speaker
We'll be sure what else is new From the dash of the wazoo With a awful lightning scene Cards won't open back again Say it, say it, say it Your mouth out of control
00:40:46
Speaker
The fuel hogs wash, the fuel maggots with films in marsh, the poor slums don't come under one, booby to your father all. Zip it, zip it, go out under control. Zip it, zip it, and shot that booby hole. Like a malarkey, cause I'm injured.
00:41:22
Speaker
I can't take anymore, say
00:41:56
Speaker
Zip it by the smile syndicate right here on Hellosmileton. That's a peppy little number about keeping your voice to yourself. Yeah, keep your trap shut. The world would be a better place. And if everybody followed that advice, Ms. Elizabeth, you want to talk about living in a dream world, that would be it for me.
00:42:11
Speaker
Everybody has a voice, but they don't have to use it. Exactly. Yeah. Dear listener friend, I hope you've enjoyed today's capering and prancing and dancing. It's been fun. We're going to be back next week for another all new edition of this show. Hello, smile. And so spread the word. Tell people about it. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth.
00:42:29
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next weekend. As always, remember friend, the sun is the jukebox.