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If You Crave Novelty, Go Elsewhere
57 Plays2 years ago
Every minute of attention given to this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, yields 27 minutes of what podcast pundits have termed "brain-bending bliss". Sounds like a good deal to me!
Jason and Miss Elizabeth bring you the latest from their dear town of Smileton. Colorful characters, improbable situations, catchy music – what else are you looking for?
Today, we'll hear the latest from Smileton rock god Lance Brock in a new LANCE BROCK'S ROCK TALK who rightly declares that the time to rock is NOW. A Paid Advertisement from a proud Smiletonian who generously offers us tips to snag ladies and Miss Elizabeth catching us up on what's been going on on some of her other podcasts in MISS ELIZABETH'S PODCAST CATCH UP rounds out the fun. That, and other surprises, that is!
Listen to the podcast the selfsame podcast pundits mentioned earlier have called "amusing to the nth degree".
HELLO, SMILETON! If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
4:19 Lance Brock's Rock Talk
21:06 Pneumatic Tube
25:13 SONG – Dinosaur God
31:05 Paid Advertisement – How To Be A Ladies Man
37:19 Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Catch Up
49:44 SONG – Let's Sing Jingle Bells
Recommended
Transcript
Welcome to Smileton Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smiletons. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. A clean, concise introduction, as always. It has set me up. It's put me in the mood to deliver the very best in comedy and music, which is what this show is all about, Miss Elizabeth. Indeed.
00:00:30
Speaker
Dear listener friend, thanks so much for checking in with us today. You're gonna get some fuel. You're gonna get some entertainment fuel for your soul. Coming straight at you from Smilton, our dear little town. Music and information too. The very life force of Smilton comes flooding into this show like a tsunami of joy.
00:00:50
Speaker
Yeah, right into your ear holes.
Winter Challenges for Smileton Nudists
00:00:52
Speaker
Right. It'll clean all the grit and grime out of there and fill your brain up with fun. And I hope you got the right attitude coming into this show, because I know I do. Good. Well, Miss Elizabeth, it's winter. The icy talons of winter have landed in Smileton. And I was looking outside of Smile Syndicate HQ at the people lining up to join us in the studio audience today. Frosty.
00:01:15
Speaker
very frosty, but that didn't stop a few nut jobs from the Smile and Nudists Association from trying to get in here. They're claiming they're big fans of the show and they want to see, but they haven't got a stitch of clothing on any of them. So Ms. Lesbeth, I normally would
00:01:31
Speaker
spray them with a fire hose, send them on their way. But I was dissuaded from doing such a thing. Apparently, hypothermia is a risk at this time of year. And I don't want that responsibility on my hands. So I did the next best thing. Oh, what's that? Burlap sacks. OK. If you cast your eye up into the crowd, the studio audience here with Smiles Indicate HQ, you might see three people in the back row looking a little cross, clad in a burlap sack. It's very itchy.
00:01:59
Speaker
Well, that's why you got to wear clothes, Miss Elizabeth. I don't know why these people thought they could come in here nude. This isn't some Studio 54 night owl party in here. They really need those reflective blankets or electric blankets almost. They need sense. They need common sense, Miss Elizabeth.
00:02:17
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, part of the blame lies with you squarely. We leave you to police your own. You know that. I can't be spraying you with a fire hose all the time. You teach those ne'er-do-well nudists some manners. You know it doesn't seem to bother them one way or the other. It's really just you that's bothered.
00:02:35
Speaker
Yes, that's part of the problem, Miss Elizabeth. If other people were bothered, it wouldn't fall to me to set things right. But silence yourselves,
Managing Audience Expectations
00:02:44
Speaker
ladies and gentlemen. Your laughter does not help. If you're a listener friend, this show is going to be a crackerjack powder keg of entertainment. Miss Elizabeth does 91 other podcasts, a number that beggars the imagination. Jason, how are you today?
00:02:58
Speaker
A nice greeting from somebody in the audience. I started this show full of enthusiasm, ready to do it. And the narrative wells in the studio audience is my favorite podcast and this particular narrative well who loves chirping in unwanted.
00:03:14
Speaker
This soundboard's the worst thing we ever added to the show, Miss Elizabeth. The audience keeps giving him the microphone, and this is his truly felt opinion. This is some open mic segment on Ellen, Miss Elizabeth. This is a tightly controlled entertainment engine. We need discipline here. Yeah, we're losing control. We are.
00:03:30
Speaker
We are. So, Miss Elizabeth does 91 other podcasts. She insists on presenting summaries of a few of them once in a while on this show. I wish she wouldn't, but she insists on it. I don't insist. The audience insists, and I will provide what I'm being asked. The audience has a screw loose, and we shouldn't be consulting them on anything. They should just sit there as passive receptors to entertainment dynamite. All right.
Introducing a Sponsor
00:03:53
Speaker
Paid advertisement. Paying the bills never felt so good, Miss Elizabeth.
00:03:57
Speaker
We're going to hear from a sponsor, a Smileton person or small business who's ready to cough up the bucks to make sure that we stay on the straight and narrow and keep the show going. You don't know who it is yet. Well, I have an idea, Miss Elizabeth. Do you? OK. I think some people in this town are going to learn a thing or two. We have some music coming up later in the show from my hard rockin' band, The Smile Syndicate, and much more. Oh, I can't wait for that. But first, Miss Elizabeth, are you ready for wisdom?
00:04:23
Speaker
I'm ready for wisdom. Are you ready for rock wisdom? I'm ready for rock wisdom, but I'm getting worried. No, you should not be worried because it is time for one of the best segments we do on this show. My buddy Lance runs the Tip Toppist guitar store for the mostest, mostest in this town.
00:04:42
Speaker
And how's he feeling these days? Because he was in a really bad state. He had to go to the hospital. He needed some medical care because he was hiding out in the catacombs without being properly prepared. A victim of munchausen syndrome. You and your mystery solvent pals went down there, yanked him out. We've gone through this, Miss Elizabeth. We saved his life. And then, so you did not save his life. You ruined his plans for rock in this town, but he's back on his feet, Miss Elizabeth.
00:05:07
Speaker
Do you listen, Freddie? If you don't know what the devil we're talking about, Lance Brox, my buddy, Miss Elizabeth decided to
Lance's Rock Wisdom
00:05:13
Speaker
interfere with his life. He was hiding out in the Smilton catacombs for a month. She thought it was a survival situation, which it was not. Yanked him out prematurely, ruined the charade. He was playing on a guy he lost a bet to. And then the next thing we know, he's being taken out and dressed like a preppy by a couple other Nerdy Wells.
00:05:31
Speaker
He's doing a lot better He's back on the straight and narrow the true path of rock. So we're here to hear his good words Lance Brock's rock talk. Let's turn the show over to my buddy Lance. All right What in the f is up my fellow rock and roll faithful at the effin altar of the rock gods of old? It's time for the best effin podcast you ever effin hurts to forget about the effin silliness. You've been hearing my goodness
00:06:01
Speaker
Pal, zip your lip. It's time to leave entertainment to the professionals and you're about to hear some of that right now. Sam's being wowed by this already. Okay, well good. Pretty cool. Be wowed in silence. So forget about the effing silliness you've been hearing or those other S-Head podcasts about ghost money or working in your effing basement. The only effing real place to work is effing on stage front and effing center in front of 18,000 screaming rock and roll maniacs right here in Detroit rock effing city.
00:06:30
Speaker
I don't understand. Is he in Detroit? He's not in Detroit, Miss Elizabeth. He's in Smiles, but he's getting revved up. He let himself be carried away as though he was on stage in front of him. So none of this is true? In his mind it is, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, it's not true for you because you don't have the right attitude. You should be working towards having that spirit in your soul that you feel like you're on stage in front of all those maniacs. I agree. I'm feeling like I need a bit more of a rock spirit today.
00:06:58
Speaker
Welcome to Rockvember, even though I've had precious effing little time to prepare for it. I was hiding in the catacombs all month to trick that loser, poser Mitch Winchell, because I lost that bet, even though I didn't. And when I was going to reemerge in November, the month would be renamed Rockvember because of how effing hard I was going to rock you and the rest of this effing town. But here we are. So we'd better make effing do.
00:07:21
Speaker
And that is all I have to f'n say on the f'n matter. Make it rockvember in your heart and peace
Lance's Love Life Adventures
00:07:27
Speaker
out and f' the losers and the posers. Okay. I wouldn't do- Can do attitude, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, that is can do except for the negativity part. You know, that's my only problem with this. Yeah.
00:07:37
Speaker
You're only problem. You stuck your meddling hands in. You stirred up a hornet's nest. Now that things are settling down and you don't quite like the way things look, Miss Elizabeth, here's a mirror. You were the cause of this. If he had been allowed to stay down underground in his inner sanctum of his mind, he wouldn't have died. He would have planned Rocktober down to a tee and he would have reemerged November 1st.
00:08:02
Speaker
coming through the ground like some kind of rock and roll savior. Like a rock and roll ghost.
00:08:09
Speaker
I'm pretty sure that Lance would think that dying down there over a silly bet would be super rock, rock and roll. Miss Elizabeth, what a silly way to characterize the situation. And then he would just like lie down and his ghostly essence would waft out of his body. Oh, stop it. Coming up with some kind of a Gibson ES355 or whatever he's playing currently. He got it exactly right, Miss Elizabeth. Kudos to getting the guitar correct.
00:08:35
Speaker
but noodles or whatever the opposite of kudos are for your characterization. Noodles? Noodles. I don't know, Miss Elizabeth. I don't think it should be noodles, because the audience is getting into that. They're covered in burlap, just as they should be. Miss Elizabeth, the grotesque mischaracterization of Lance's plight down there, you're getting in his way. He's moved around you. You were a barrier, and now you've been bypassed. So just live with that. OK, I mean, I don't, but OK, we can move on.
00:09:04
Speaker
My effing love life and the effing sack has been pretty effing aces ever since. OK, does he have to say my love life and also in the sack? Does he have to say those two things? He said it, Miss Elizabeth. He's painting you the picture. So sit back and enjoy the ride. Also, do we need to know about this? Is this a whole paragraph that we can cut? No, I think we need to know. I would never cut one word from Lance's messages. And how dare you suggest I do with such a thing.
00:09:32
Speaker
My effin' love life in the effin' sack has been pretty effin' aces ever since those mystery weirdos dragged me out of the underground. My main-squeezed Melinda's boyfriend attacked a convenience store worker, so he's coolin' his heels in the slammer for a while, which means I'm like Winnie the effin' poo when it comes to that particular rock chick.
00:09:52
Speaker
They have almost like a triangle
The Credibility of Lance's Stories
00:09:55
Speaker
marriage. They're almost married together, all three of them. Miss Elizabeth, it's the 21st century. You can stuff your prudish ways. I'm not complaining. I'm not prudish. It's just that's how it works. When he's in jail, Lance takes over. He's like Winnie the Pooh. I don't know what that means, but I think that means he's up to no good.
00:10:14
Speaker
Winnie the Pooh when it comes to that particular rock, yeah, I don't understand what that means. And she's had a bunch of good luck lately because she found three iPhones in the Smilton Mall food court and I said unless you're the manager of lead effort. That's not true. She didn't find three iPhones just lying around.
00:10:31
Speaker
She stole them. Oh, Ms. Elizabeth, come on. Check your pocket. Did she steal yours? My iPhone is present and accounted for, Ms. Elizabeth. You're jumping to conclusions. You're connecting dots that aren't even on the same page. That's what the mystery team does, Jason. Outrageous.
00:10:48
Speaker
And I said, unless you're the manager of Led, F and Zeppelin, you probably don't need all three phones, so she'll probably sell a couple of them. Wish I could find F and phones like that, because a few hundred bucks in the old pocket would mean a pretty F and fun Saturday night or Wednesday afternoon for yours F and truly. I mean, that's definitely just robbery. A little bit of good fortune and you cock an eyebrow with scents at it? I do.
Lance's Rock Revolution
00:11:11
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth. I do. I feel sorry for you.
00:11:15
Speaker
There's a way to tell if that phone has been stolen. You can check the number on it or something. I haven't seen these phones, Ms. Elizabeth. She's probably sold them already. She's an entrepreneurial-minded woman. She's a modern woman, Ms. Elizabeth. You can put your shackles away. She's been liberated.
00:11:35
Speaker
When I was down in the catacombs, I was kind of losing my S there for a minute, but as I was going a bit snake, I had a few great ideas. One, I thought of like five new Lancebrock going snake songs. Oh, that's good. So that's a few more number one hits from my band's effin' arsenal. So do you think that if you starved yourself and almost died of thirst, you might finally come out with a new Smile Syndicate song?
00:12:01
Speaker
Wow, you managed to be wildly offensive in so many different ways. I'm going to deal with these things in order of priority. One, you're Xing and Lance. He was not in such a state. You never know an inspiration. Mr. Elizabeth, he's a genius. He's a creative genius. We don't know how brains like that work.
00:12:19
Speaker
He got stung by the bee of inspiration and he took note. Five new hit songs for the f'n rock arsenal. Not a bad achievement. Hardly the act of a man who was on Death's Door.
00:12:33
Speaker
I think when you are under a lot of pressure as an artist, like, for example, even if you're just approaching a really firm deadline, that you are more likely to come out with something and it's likely to be glorious. Right. So in this case, the deadline... Good job ruining that, Miss Elizabeth. Because if you yanked him out of there, if he'd stayed down there a couple more days, he might have... He might have died. It was an actual deadline. Fiddlesticks.
00:12:54
Speaker
And number two, zinging me, what are your smile syndicate songs? Miss Elizabeth, I'm sitting here, I'm jibber-jabbering with you. That's where the time goes. I will be working on songs. There'll be new songs coming up sooner than you think, so just leave me alone. All right.
00:13:09
Speaker
Number two, I should make rock lobster costumes for the kids because it would be hilarious to see a bunch of little rock lobsters wandering around town. That is a great idea, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, that would be okay. Dressing him up like his cousin Sandy. I don't see how it has anything to do with advertising the store, though. There's probably a music by Lance's logo emblazoned proudly on the chest of those rock lobster costumes. You think you thought of that?
00:13:33
Speaker
I'll remind him if he hasn't. And number three, I had an idea to completely revolutionize the status of Rock and Smilton in 2023, and things will never be the f-ing same. So there's that. Okay. Casually, Miss Elizabeth, like Copernicus announcing his revolution. Okay. So does Lance, but he just does it. It's though it's a mere whim that appeared in his brain. Yeah.
00:13:56
Speaker
We all heard it. I can't wait for 2023. What could this be? What could it be? A revolutionary song? Miss Elizabeth, you gotta think bigger than that. Really? Bigger than a new song? I think so. Plus, I had lots of time down there to reflect on
Top Rock Bands According to Lance
00:14:11
Speaker
the effing damage Mitchell and his shrew of a wife have done to my effing town.
00:14:16
Speaker
If it isn't Mitch Winchell sneaking around like a loser gremlin breaking into hatchbacks, stealing groceries, it's his wife going door to door stealing money through fancy papers. Okay, you can't say any of those things. You can't cuz it's slander. And if you write it down, it's liable. In any case, it's criminal lies. Oh, stop, Miss Elizabeth. Here's here's a little here's a little flashback for you.
00:14:40
Speaker
Lance is running a guitar store. The best one in town. The only one in town. Love and life. Mitch Winchell decides to roll into town, open up a competing guitar store. He unleashed the hell, Miss Elizabeth. He's gonna get worried about some of this stuff bouncing back on him while you shouldn't open that store in the first place, buddy. Huh.
00:14:57
Speaker
Still, I don't think you can lie about him and call him a grocery thief. I talked to any policeman, Miss Elizabeth, especially off the record. That's a good idea. I think I will. They'll totally tell you all about those two of those criminal masterminds. Are you sure you want me to start pulling on that string, though? Because Lance might wind up back in the catacombs.
00:15:17
Speaker
I dare you. Yeah hiding from the police right ahead. I know that's one place the police won't won't chase you. Oh Miss Elizabeth He doesn't need he has no need to hide and he's gonna be even more front and center next year and he just told us so So we have Mitch Winchell stealing groceries out of hatchbacks I told you to say that and we have his wife going door-to-door stealing money through fancy papers Hey, what does that mean?
00:15:41
Speaker
Lance will tell you right now. Hey, if you want financial planning, come to me. Get your money. Buy something cool. Rinse and f-ing repeat. Problem solved. She's a financial planner. Yeah. She's not stealing your money. She's investing it for you on your behalf.
00:15:58
Speaker
It's a regulated industry. You can be an accomplice all you want, Ms. Elizabeth. He's breaking it down to the essentials. And I think he's got her dead to rights. So if you need to rock, come to my store and talk to me. If you need to steal groceries or monies or people's effing livelihoods, then make sure you check in with effing Mr. and Mrs. Winchell. OK.
00:16:21
Speaker
You notice he's a little bit more feisty, Miss Elizabeth, since he got dragged out of the catacombs. He sees where the enemies are, and he's taken the fight to them. The fight's out there, Miss Elizabeth. Now it's time to effin' highlight the top five effin' bands of all effin' time. Number five, Quiet Effin' Riot. I totally miss these guys, and my brother Vance told me that Randy Rhodes used to be with these effin' guys, and I said, effin' no way.
00:16:46
Speaker
And we kind of got into it, and I smashed his dining room table, but I'll pay him effing back because I'm an effing man of honor. There you go, Miss Elizabeth. I notice you don't have much to say on that one, and it's because this has to do with honor. Well, no, it's because he's mentioned Quiet Riot before, so I'm just kind of like waiting for something new to show up. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, what do you think? If you crave novelty, go elsewhere. We all crave novelty, Jason.
00:17:14
Speaker
But he's got to stay true to principles, to rock the solid rock foundation principles. And if Quiet Riot this week warrants the number five position, then my God, that's what's going to happen. He smashed a table up in a rage because there was a bit of a bit of a tiff about Quiet Riot, but he's a man of his word. He'll pay his brother back for smashing that table.
00:17:36
Speaker
if you're talking about the smashing the dining table part i guess what i don't believe it i don't believe it consequence renumeration no come up and okay what miss lisbeth i don't believe it like an alien language to midge winchell i don't believe that he smashed a dining room table i would believe that he he might have scratched it or he might have left a watermark on it smashed it to pieces
00:17:59
Speaker
Okay. Number four. Okay. Mitch Whittle knows none of these things. That's my point, Ms. Elizabeth. He's been weakened. Lance did something. He did something he regrets. An unfortunate action. The smashing of a dining room table. And he's made due compensation for it. Okay. Or at least he will. Number four, heart.
00:18:16
Speaker
I knew these chicks rocked from that song, Barracuda. But then I heard some of the stuff they did in the 80s. And while that guitar chick looks hot in those videos, I thought the tunes had an effing whiff of the loser and poser about them. You cannot say this about hearts. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, he's gonna... Again, sacred cow? That means nothing to Lance. Rock sacred cows? He doesn't mind going after a few of them. I object to him calling heart sacred cows.
00:18:46
Speaker
No, Miss Elizabeth. Okay, the idea that they're above criticism is a sacred cow, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. While that guitar chick looks hot in those videos, I thought the tunes had an effing whiff of loser-imposer about them, so that's why they're only at number four. Okay, that's a shame. Number three. I'm starting to doubt the, you know, the value of this list.
00:19:06
Speaker
Number three, ACDC, F and Malcolm and Angus are the two greatest brothers of rock except for me and Vance. One set of brothers are in the greatest F and band of all time and the other set of F and brothers did that song back in black. Ladies and gentlemen, that had better be some private joke you're sharing amongst yourselves. I can't concede that you're laughing at what Lance just said.
00:19:32
Speaker
Oh, ridiculous, Ms. Elizabeth. Number two, the smile syndicate. My hard rocking band. Just effing kidding. Jason should shut that band down. Jason should shut that band down and effing focus on being my rhythm guitar player. OK, he's just jealous though. Well, because you have songs actually on Spotify and streaming platform. He's about to.
00:19:59
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, those songs will be launched on the world. They'll be set loose like a bunch of angry cobras. Okay. Number one.
00:20:07
Speaker
Lance Brock's going snake. My band and I will be working on new tunes and if your joints start aching right about now that's because there's an effing rock earthquake heading your way and you and your dog can both sense it in the effing air and wait until that particular hurricane lands on you and sweeps this town up into rock and roll heaven or at least to the top of Rock Mount Olympus which is the same effing thing after all. Okay I feel like he gave himself the number one position and the number three position which was ACDC but then
00:20:36
Speaker
He actually made it about himself. Surely that only speaks to his increasing confidence in his place in the Rock Pantheon. Miss Elizabeth, you're going to take down a man whose confidence is growing by the hour. That's true. He is feeling very confident. Well, that's to be commended. That's it for this episode.
Handling Audience Interruptions
00:20:53
Speaker
Rockvember is now. So crank the tunes and tell your neighbors to get the kids and pets indoors because a lot of noxious rock and roll gas is about to be stinking up the neighborhood.
00:21:03
Speaker
Lance Brock's rock talk. The curtain f'ing falls. Time to leave the f'ing built. What? Oh, look at this. We have a pneumatic tube message. Message comes in on the tube. Interrupts the show just as it was hitting its stride. Why am I not surprised? Miss Elizabeth crumple this message up. We're not going to read it out now.
00:21:22
Speaker
Why not? It's interrupted the show. We have a plan here. We're not gonna be- The nomadic tube knows it's the right time. We haven't finished Rock Talk properly. Well, I'm gonna read it anyway. Dear Miss Elizabeth, just dropping you a line to let you know I respect you and all the work you do in Smileton. Is this necessary? That's nice. I listen to most of your podcasts and find them delightful. I've been listening to this particular show live and heard.
00:21:48
Speaker
what Lance Brock, maybe she's in the audience. Oh, that didn't occur to me. And I heard what Lance Brock had to say about my husband and me. So see, people listen, Jason. Come on. People are listening. So I would just like to address Lance directly if you don't mind. As it turns out, I don't mind. If you're in the studio audience, take it outside. What are you talking about? You want to interrupt the show to further your beef with Lance?
00:22:17
Speaker
She wants to get on top of this right now without any break. Lance, keep your mouth closed. No one cared about your stupid bet, but the town was much happier with you hiding underground like a mole. You've said a lot of foolish things, but it's getting to the point where I need to take some action. I don't think you're motivated by malice and I don't hate you for your stupidity, but...
00:22:43
Speaker
You're coming off really dumb here, and I'm telling you now to stop. I'm telling her to stop. That's enough of this. You know what? I sort of glanced ahead and you're going to want to hear the end of this. Oh, really? You don't talk about me, my husband, or our businesses. Or what? You run your little store and have your clubhouse and do whatever pretending you want.
00:23:07
Speaker
Condescending Miss Elizabeth. I was gonna beat you up myself if you shot your mouth off again But I think a better idea is to let my sister Stacy take care of you She's back in Smilton in her hometown of Smilton after a very successful tour of Japan with her band You'll recognize it. It's Tracy's Grace. It's that Stacy
00:23:30
Speaker
and she'll be happy to use some of her college wrestling moves on you. You will be her doughy little pretzel big boy signed Jade Winchell I told you it was a bad idea to constantly constantly using slander against
00:23:47
Speaker
The Winchells? Mitch Winchell, yes. And it was probably a step too far to start
Tension with the Winchells
00:23:53
Speaker
treading on Jade's business. If I may speak on Lance's behalf, bring it on. He's not afraid of Jade Winchell and he's not afraid of that Stacey, even though she beat most of my sneaky commando squad up some months ago. I told you that story during the Battle of the Bands.
00:24:07
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, that Stacy was doing the town a favor by being off in Japan, flogging that terrible music she does with Tracy's grace. They're a big hit over there. I know. They're a big hit everywhere. It's super annoying. She's a big hit here when she's taking care of business, too. You want to talk about breaking the law, Miss Elizabeth. You're accusing Lance at doing it, but here you are. Message comes in, interrupts the show. She's threatening physical violence on my buddy. She won't even dirty her hand. She's going to get her crazy sister to do it.
00:24:34
Speaker
that's a foul display i think that stacy stacy enjoys it more than the day train college wrestler she loves putting the moves on my buddies and that somebody's got to put their foot down oh there's the radio play that music that did you not hear what i just said yeah the radio that's what that means
00:24:54
Speaker
Boy, that guy, he's desperate for attention. He gets excited. Well, he's whittling away my will to do this show at all, Miss Elizabeth. We got to fill up that willpower with a hard rockin' tune, so that's why we're going to hear right now a hard rockin' heavy metal classic by the Smile Syndicate, Dinosaur God. Let's go.
00:25:51
Speaker
Stages screaming at the sky What's it all about? A hundred billion years we see Trump is running out
00:26:03
Speaker
jungle smashing down the wall 60 tons of darkness to make a robot fall Go get your clubs, gather your stones, can we save the world? Shaking your sandals, soil your winecloths screaming like a
00:26:48
Speaker
Oh, dinosaur. Oh, dinosaur.
Jock's Guide to Being a Ladies' Man
00:27:48
Speaker
Oh
00:29:09
Speaker
Fueing fiery goo, Turner solves a stone Cold blood, P-Brain bans for God Laughing on his throne Twashing all the faithful Squishing infidels People jungle village Throwing straight into hell Losing the thunder, love of Omega The world out of control Because he is blessed, you think you are safe Fool her hand
00:30:11
Speaker
Dinosaur God by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton, Hard Rock and more Smile Syndicate songs on all streaming platforms.
00:30:23
Speaker
Sam knows that you can go on all streaming platforms. You can find dinosaur God and not only that you can find dinosaur God 2000 which is a very pleasant acoustic version of the same Yeah, he undercuts my will to do the show he and he makes me look the fool by Anticipating the messaging that I'm very carefully doling out the deer. Don't you? buddy
00:30:48
Speaker
We were just talking about college wrestling. You want me to power slam you? Bring it on, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, I'm going to go have a tussle with this gentleman. So if you give me five minutes, I'm going to put him in the hospital, and then I'm going to come back, and then we'll be good to go. My goodness. And now we're from our sponsors. Well, more important business first, Miss Elizabeth, which is paying the bills, Smilton Small Business has stepped up.
00:31:15
Speaker
And by step it up, it means they got they made their way to the third floor of the Smileton Public Library, took a $50 bill, stuffed it behind the toilet, put the little flag outside the door, had a scrawled message of what they want us to read as part of a paid advertisement.
Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Roundup
00:31:29
Speaker
May I just request when you do put money in that toilet tank, put it in a Ziploc container first.
00:31:36
Speaker
or just stuff it behind like we've been telling you to do. Yeah. Yeah. Don't put it in the water. Don't put water. Don't make us fish your money out of the toilet. Yeah. Come on. Thank you. Put it in a Ziploc bag. Stuff it behind the toilet. Yeah. Use your head. We have a stirring paid advertisement. OK. Stirring. Smileton is full of lovely ladies. They're definitely a treat. And if you want to snag some of them, you better learn how to talk to them properly.
00:32:05
Speaker
All right, I like how this is starting. I'm Jock. I've been a Smilton ladies man for three or four years now, and if the notch is in my bed poster to be trusted, I've been wildly successful at it. So much so that I've been compelled to record my knowledge and share it in pamphlet form. How to be a ladies man by Jock. It's the pamphlet all the lads are talking about. All right, I'm actually interested. I'm always willing to learn something new. I'd like to learn how to become a ladies man.
00:32:34
Speaker
I know what you're thinking. Jock, I'm a loser and I strike out with chicks all the time. How is some pamphlet going to help me? Listen, friend, I don't care how big a loser you are. If you use the tips and tricks contained in my pamphlet, you're going to be scoring mega hotties by the busload. Wait a minute. When he said pamphlet, I thought it was like a one sheet, but is this like an 18th century pamphlet that comes out that's basically like a book, essentially?
00:32:57
Speaker
A little pamphlet printed Miss Elizabeth multi-page to be sure because if you think scoring mega hotties is something that you just do with step one, two, and three, then you know nothing about being a ladies man. I think this might be a very old-fashioned concept. Maybe he needs a website. He has to get it online. He's a pamphleteer, Miss Elizabeth, a pamphleteer of the heart. No one's gonna read a pamphlet. If you order my pamphlet today, you'll soon be digging into secrets such as perfecting your wolf whistle.
00:33:25
Speaker
developing your own distinctive strut, learning to distinguish between mega hotties and mega naughties, juggling multiple mega hotties at once because of how in demand you are. All right. I was trying hard. I was trying to get behind this. I was trying to be like, this might be educational. It is educational. I'm taking notes.
00:33:46
Speaker
Kate, you can't call a segment of women mega-naughties and have my, you know, have my endorsement of it. I mean, I'll take the cash, of course I will. Ah, Miss Elizabeth, would you just listen to the message? You gotta hear the whole thing before you're Russian to judgment here.
00:34:05
Speaker
I've had them all, friend. From every corner of the Earth, the Mega Hotties have had their worlds rocked by yours truly and they live to tell the tale. Pick any Mega Hottie in town and ask her, Hey, Mega Hottie, you ever been to the moon? And she'll go, Yeah, Jock took me to outer space and we didn't even leave our room in the Sandman Motel.
00:34:25
Speaker
Okay, and hey mega hotties notice how I wrote a pamphlet care to experience the master at work firsthand No, sweat just send me a picture. No photo shops I don't care who you are if you bury the needle on the mega hottie meter then it's time for me to get to work Quality is job one when we are with jock and ask any mega hottie who's been on the ride and
00:34:48
Speaker
I feel like this is not how meeting girls works these days. I think how it works is you put your profile on an app and then basically the women like swipe you left or right, right? Miss Elizabeth. That's kind of how that works. That might be how dating works on the Jetsons, but we're talking about real life here.
00:35:09
Speaker
She won't be hard to find. She's the one stumbling around in a daze like she just got off a merry-go-round that spun her around in a million miles an hour. Also, she'll be wearing a I Just Got Rock by Jock t-shirt, which I give all my conquests. Is this a joke?
00:35:24
Speaker
What do you mean a joke? Is this whole thing just a joke because... Oh, Miss Elizabeth, you've been off the scene a little too long. This guy is on a seek and destroy mission in the romance department and he's getting the job done and this is how you do it these days. I just got rocked by jock. That's a t-shirt. You've probably seen them around town.
00:35:46
Speaker
grab her by the shoulders and shout, what happened to you, mega hottie? And she'll be barely able to speak the words two tickets to Paradise Jock. And I'll just shrug my shoulders and go, eh, what can I do? It's what Jock does.
00:36:03
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I'm feeling a little bit more positive about developing some skills. Wait, are you planning to read this pamphlet? I think I'm going to have to read this pamphlet. I think I'm going to have to, Miss Elizabeth. This is just a little bit too tantalizing. I got an extra tantalizing, like I am tantalized by this question. How do you even get a pamphlet printed these days? Is he sending it over to, you know, to the print shop and just having it printed on paper? Is he stapling it by hand?
00:36:29
Speaker
How to be a ladies man. Buy jock. Soon to be the biggest selling pamphlet in Smilton. Find it at by hook or by book. I'll be standing outside selling them. $12.50. Or if you're a hot chick ready to go, come on down as well. What does he mean by ready to go? Ready.
00:36:47
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I told you before, if you're looking for the remedial birds and the bees lesson, you're going to have to seek that elsewhere because I'm not going to give it to you. But that's what he's, I'll give you a hit. That's what he's talking about. Okay. Fog horn quiet. You haven't been on a date in years, so you don't need to be chirping in about how the modern. You don't need to be talking about how the modern dating scene works. This guy's got his finger on the pulse and we got to have a little humility and maybe learn a thing or two from him because he's out there getting it done. Well, thanks for the cash.
00:37:16
Speaker
then thanks for the thanks for the tips yeah miss elizabeth you do too many podcasts i do you don't have enough focus on this one i don't know how you can walk in here this is like let's be honest here this is what the ninth podcast you've recorded today indeed yeah so i saw you come in you were you were blurry eyed you're you're drinking that tea yeah you're trying to get a little pick me up before we hit record on this episode yeah
00:37:40
Speaker
But we're going to hear all about, dear listener, what she's been up to otherwise, because Miss Elizabeth is going to do a selection of some of the other shows. Yeah. She's been recording lately and she's going to give us a summary. So Miss Elizabeth's podcast catch up. Let's get going.
Smile Syndicate's Winter EP
00:37:54
Speaker
Yeah. If you've fallen behind, this is your update for Jorg presents the ultimate death metal hour featuring Jorg Flernstadt.
00:38:02
Speaker
I wish you would stop doing that one. Why? Because you don't help the town when you do that show. You're making things a little bit worse. You're promoting Death Metal. This has been a years long campaign for you and Jorg, and it's been flummoxing me the entire time. All right. Well, this update is the most requested update, so I have to give it. Oh, brother. So this big show kicked off with a shock worthy of a Death Metal soap opera. Carl Heinz is getting his marriage annulled. Oh.
00:38:29
Speaker
If you recall last year, he proposed... I barely know who the guy is and I didn't know he was married. Well, he proposed to Dascara Nightwing right on our podcast, which you would know if you were listening to our podcast. And we all thought that it would be happily ever after for these death metal love crows.
00:38:48
Speaker
Very clever. You know what I mean? Well, people change and his death metal lady has since renounced death metal and has gotten into bluegrass instead. Now personally, I'm not sure why this is a huge problem because I think everybody can get along, but I guess the annulment is what's going ahead. So she's renounced the death metal culture, the death metal lifestyle. She's taking on bluegrass. So bluegrass has a lifestyle culture now. Indeed.
00:39:17
Speaker
So I guess it doesn't- Can't we just have music? I think that you should be able to stay married if you're two different types of music. Oh no, you're laughing. I don't see why. She goes by Sally McGee now, by the way. Don't make that mistake. That's her bluegrass name now then.
00:39:33
Speaker
And you should treat it as her real name now. Jorg gave us some exciting hints about what's going to be happening in this Smiles and Death Metal scene. Next year, Jason, this is your heads up. You know, this might ease your stress a little bit. Probably not. I can hardly wait for July. The 2023 Smiles and Death Metal Festival is going to be the best one yet. And on top of all that, Kristoff debuted his newest face paint design.
00:39:59
Speaker
You're coming at me fast and furious, but Elizabeth, I thought I'd heard the Death Metal Festival had its last festival last year. You're telling me this coming year, 2023, July, ruined again? Not ruined. I mean, it's going to be awesome. But yes, it is going to happen again. And do you want to hear about the face paint design? Oh, yeah, I do. That's always important. He was really proud of it, but Yorick had to scold him a little.
00:40:23
Speaker
because he felt, see in death metal it's good to be a little bit complicated. So he thought this one was too simple, one half painted black and the other half painted white. So you can have that.
00:40:35
Speaker
Well, apparently it was a little too like modernistic or it was like a black and white cookie, let's say. Yeah. But Yorick said like it was commonplace and it was not engaging enough. So you didn't you didn't look at him and ask enough questions about life and death. Oh, believe me, I ask lots of questions when I see someone with face paint like that.
00:40:53
Speaker
Kristoff took it hard, but got over it quickly, and started silently sketching out alternate designs for the rest of the episode, which didn't play great on the podcast, but it did produce some really good results. Well, yeah, once again, the hypocrisy of the death metal movement is shown in its nauseating clarity.
00:41:12
Speaker
How's that hypocritical? You're always talking about, oh, people love being expressive in the death metal community, unless you cross Jorg and then you're going to get scolded. So this is Kristoff. Well, there are some standards. Yeah, Kristoff, he's a bit of a dunce. I know that. He decided to pay. He decided to- Kristoff's a nice guy. You would like Kristoff. Dear listener friend, you know, he imitates me on that crappy podcast. I'm not going to give the guy the time of day.
00:41:34
Speaker
But you know what? Imitation is the highest form of being complimentary. Right. And who was he imitating? Frank Gorshin in that old Star Trek episode, the half-black, half-white face paint. Oh, that's true. I didn't remember that. No wonder Jorg flipped his wig. You can't have this be a sci-fi thing. It's got to be death metal only. You're right. I didn't even think he probably is getting into a new genre. Christophe might be leaving us for science fiction. And if that happens, don't... Or baking. Yeah.
00:42:01
Speaker
I don't know what that means, but if any of that happens, Miss Elizabeth, keep it to yourself. We don't need to hear about it here. All right. Time for back in the day. All right. I love doing this podcast because it really lets me dig in deep to explore the roots of 1970s hip hop. Oh, wow. We had a great episode last week. Yeah. The august green dog. Yeah.
00:42:26
Speaker
who, if you'll recall, really started getting into mime a couple of months ago. Yeah. Well, he's given that up. Oh, no. It's almost like everybody in Smilton is trying some different things these days. How does a rap guy get into mime? Oh, it's actually not that much of a stretch. You can't rap. You can't rap if you're quiet.
00:42:44
Speaker
Well, no, I see what you're saying, but there's a lot of physicality in the rap world as well. So he just kind of crossed over there. All right. There's a lot of crossing over happening, Jason. I just realized it's like a theme. People aren't staying in their lanes. They're not, Jason. He told us all about a rap battle that he got into and he tried to mime his way through it. Oh, there we go. Because he was getting so much into mime and his rap rivals kind of made a lot of fun of him. Oh, whoops. So unfortunate. And he's sworn off mime forever. The mime world's lost then, surely.
00:43:14
Speaker
So I guess if you want someone to stay in their lane, then you really just have to mock them. Yeah. Until they don't try those new things. That's been my MO for nigh on 20 years, Miss Elizabeth. Jack Pants and I tried to talk him out of his decision because we're being supportive, but he was intractable. Well, yeah, when the august green dog makes his mind up, there's no move in the guy. Terry and King P have been going crazy about professional arm wrestling lately. OK. And it's all they want to talk about.
00:43:44
Speaker
Okay. I could take a few minutes. This is a 70s hip-hop podcast, and you guys are obsessed with arm wrestling? Different stuff, different topics. Yeah, that's why you have to listen to the shows. I could take a few minutes of it, but 43 minutes of arm wrestling talk is really a little much for me. Like, really, how much detail can you go into? 43 minutes. Yeah, especially since most of that time was them just silently arm wrestling. And by silently, I do mean there was some grunting. Oh. There might have been some squeaking of the joints.
00:44:14
Speaker
It sounds like the worst ambient noise app you ever had. That's right. It wasn't very soothing. Let's put it that way. It was stressful. Don't do it here. It's better. I think I might tune into this episode. But we did have a good chat right at the end about the surprise announcement that Sneezy K was coming out of retirement and would be releasing an updated version of his 1977 hit, Let Me Hear Y'all Sneeze.
00:44:40
Speaker
Sneezy K. That's right. They have heard of the gentleman. You remember, let me hear y'all sneeze. I haven't heard that song. Well, it looks like something from back in the day is being updated for today, Jason. Oh, good. That's going to be fun. I guess you're doing something interesting on that hip hop podcast. I don't think it's my cup of tea. But with this fairly data is surrealist approach, you guys seem to break into sometimes I might just have to check it out out of curiosity.
00:45:07
Speaker
You know, with podcasts, it's always different every single week. So you got to check. I mean, I could do I could just do whatever on this show and it would be OK with you. Isn't that what we are doing?
00:45:16
Speaker
No, not really, Miss Elizabeth. There's a fairly circumscribed set of things we have to get done on this show for it to be. Hello, Smileton. Well, here's something you might not have been expecting. Okay. Abracadabdo. There's always magic in the air when we do this show. And how fitting since it's me and three of Smileton's top magicians talking magic.
00:45:38
Speaker
Oh, boy. Just talking magic. I got to say, this is not in my top favorites to the ones you do. Oh, you don't like. You don't like any of my other shows. Kevin, the impossible kicked off the show with some great news. Yeah. The deck that he built over the summer didn't have the right permits and the town was going to make him tear it down, but he talked them into a huge fine instead. Oh. And so he's promised to get the paperwork done ASAP.
00:46:05
Speaker
Oh, that's very interesting, Miss Elizabeth. It's almost like that paperwork is like magic. If I was tuning into that podcast and I wanted to hear about the world of magic and I got a 15 minute discussion about deck permits and town town business, I'd be a little disappointed.
00:46:21
Speaker
He worked magic on Town Hall, let me tell you that. You can't fight City Hall, but you can definitely work with them. Unfortunately, the amazing Christine has been having a run of bad luck lately. Her stepson took her hatchback without permission and re-rendered a hearse. So, been a huge headache for her.
00:46:41
Speaker
Oh my goodness. Plus, she's got a new manager at work and she's a total bee according to the amazing Christine. Oh my go- well that woman's just that woman's got her life full of drama right now. See you. Rear ending herses and bees for managers all. Yeah. I wouldn't trade places with her.
00:46:57
Speaker
I can tell you'd be interested to hear the stories, though. Kevin the Impossible tried to cheer her up by doing some tricks, but she was in a bad mood and told the audience how Kevin was doing the tricks, which made him upset. Oh, no. You can't tell. You can't reveal the tricks. Even I know that, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. Normally, it would be both me and the Astounding Ed being a buffer between those two, but Ed's been doing a book tour for his latest cookbook because, you know, he's magic in the kitchen. Yeah, don't remind me. He's magic in the kitchen. Yes.
00:47:26
Speaker
so it was just me solo i did my best miss elizabeth i feel like i didn't do the do what i needed to but i did i worked hard okay well miss elizabeth no one's gonna no one's gonna fault you well i will it probably you're at blame you're to blame for at least some of this drama i know you didn't you didn't help me these
00:47:58
Speaker
I felt like I was just the umpire. I felt like I was just the umpire. I felt like I was just the umpire. I felt like I was just the umpire. I felt like I was just the umpire.
00:48:03
Speaker
and then he turned his back on the world of magic just to open up a catering business with him and his girlfriend because he loved food more than magic and what a sad tale of wasted talent but he like i keep saying he's magic in the kitchen he creates things in the kitchen that are like like they they were infused with magic and when you eat them you almost feel like you're being lifted up
00:48:25
Speaker
Yeah, I know you have a piece of that business and no paid advertisement, no unpaid advertisement for that guy. If he wants to have you promoting that business, he has to pay up like the rest of them. All right. Plus Ms. Elizabeth, you tend to tell me, you start talking about your shows and I admittedly, I start tuning out and then you turn it around and make it sound like something I do need to check out in this whole business of the amazing, what's her name? The amazing Christine turning on Kevin the Impossible and ruining his secrets and getting him upset. That sounds hilarious.
00:48:53
Speaker
I think I'll fast forward to that section of the show. You better listen to that before they take it off the list of shows. Miss Elizabeth, podcast catch up. Vexing as always. Dear listener friend, if you're so inclined, check some of these shows out, but I wouldn't make it a priority to be quite honest with you. Okay.
00:49:12
Speaker
Dear listener friend, it's the holiday season. We're entering it. And by holiday season, I mean the grueling winter that seems to never end. You need a little bit of warmth. You need a little bit of light to help you get through the season. That's why the smile syndicate recorded an EP called Winter Thunderland. Five songs, right?
00:49:31
Speaker
That's right. It's on every streaming platform. It has snow for it. We're going to play all the songs in the coming shows from that EP. Excellent. Good plan. So we're going to start today with the acoustic classic Let's Sing Jingle Bells. All right. Let's do it.
Listener Appreciation and Support
00:50:06
Speaker
Wasteland winter's only getting started. Spring's a mere five months away. Maybe a sleighing song would help. Let's get you all fixed up today. Come on, let's sing jingle bells. You know all the words. Let the music warm you up. Frostbite's for the birds. Singing to the megaphone.
00:50:40
Speaker
Come on, let's sing Jingle Bells It's gonna be dark soon Sunset, man, the days are getting shorter Daytime is an hour long The lack of light won't get you down When the jukebox plays the song Come on, let's sing Jingle Bells You know all the words
00:51:08
Speaker
Let the music warm you up. Ross fights for the first. Singing to the megaphone. We're louder than the moon. Come on, let's sing Jingle Bells. It's going to be dark soon.
00:51:56
Speaker
But the sun is shining brightly dancing while it's 40 below At least you can hum the tune with your tongue stuck to a pole Come on, let's sing jingle bells
00:52:14
Speaker
All the words, let the music warm you up. Frostbite's all the words. Sing into the megaphone. We're louder than the moon. Come on, let's sing jingle bells. It's going to be dark soon.
00:52:38
Speaker
Let's sing Jingle Bells by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile Town. Boy, that reminds me of Christmastime. I'm freezing, Miss Elizabeth. It's going to be a long winter, and that song is meant to cheer you up a little bit, but there is a gritty reality coming at you. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Well, dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us for today's episode. We've had fun capering with you, and we're going to be coming back next week to do it all over again. We're going to be bringing you comedy and music.
00:53:05
Speaker
I gotta say if you want to you can join us over at hellosmileton.locals.com and that's probably where you're going to be able to meet and greet with us and you can do your own posting and you can comment on the shows.
00:53:17
Speaker
We're there. Support the show. Yeah. Pay up. And if you're on Patreon, pay up and do it there. Either way, you got to do the right thing at some point, dear listener friend. Well, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye bye from Jason. Bye bye.
00:53:45
Speaker
And bye bye from me, see you next week, and as always, remember friend, the sun is the jukebox.