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He's The Opposite Of A Grocery-Stealing Knob
52 Plays1 year ago
The podcast you can't get enough of has dropped a huge present in your lap, just in time for the holiday season!
This, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, contains comedy and musical outpourings so entertaining, you'll be positively gobsmacked by the experience of listening.
In a classic edition of MAILBAG, hear Jason befuddled and conundrumized as questions sent in to the show spins his mind like a top, much to Miss Elizabeth's delightedment.
In a vintage LANCE BROCK'S ROCK TALK, we'll hear Smileton's living prophet of rock deliver the good word and oh, but don't it feel good.
A couple of songs by Smileton's own 6th or 7th favorite band, THE SMILE SYNDICATE, make this show just the ticket to fuel your holiday cheer.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
1:57 Mailbag (from February 7, 2022)
22:01 SONG – Ice Fishin' Cutie
25:30 Lance Brock's Rock Talk (from June 6, 2022)
42:34 SONG – Rogue and Rascal
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Smileton Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton, welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Let's go, Miss Elizabeth, right back at
Holiday Season Fun
00:00:19
Speaker
you. Here we are in the midst of the holiday season. We're loving life right now here in Smileton. I'm festive. I'm dressed up like a tree again.
00:00:28
Speaker
Uh, we talked about that last week. Jingle jingle. I believe it was you deciding that you were going to run around town dressed up as a Christmas tree. I told you in no uncertain terms it was a bad idea. Yep. And here
Festive Dressing Talk
00:00:39
Speaker
we are today. My new year's resolution. The blinking LEDs. Distracting. Yeah. The green, the yellows are yellow. Red sweater. Uh, festively appropriate. Uh, but ill-intended.
00:00:51
Speaker
Ill intended, it's supposed to raise cheer amongst everybody. Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, I gave you instructions not to do such a thing and yet you did it. That's good intention. Disobedience in the Christmas time. Well, I added a little something extra. I've dusted myself over with like a gentle pine scent.
00:01:07
Speaker
Oh, terrific. Yeah, you smell like a new car now, Miss Elizabeth.
Podcast Silliness Promise
00:01:11
Speaker
A little bit. Not a new car, a tree. Okay. Dear listener friends, I gotta thank you for checking in with the silliness today. As you can see, we're in rare form, when absolutely ridiculous situation has stared me in the face, yet I will soldier on. We will have a delightful time together, you and I, along with Miss Elizabeth. She's here, whether we like it or not. The grinning countenance beaming across me.
00:01:37
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, you know what? Sometimes, Miss Elizabeth, they're ready for Christmas.
Early Christmas Gift Proposal
00:01:43
Speaker
I'm not. I got a lot of shopping to do. I got a lot of work to do. And that's why, Miss Elizabeth, I thought I got to come up with some better ideas about how to spread Christmas cheer. And I landed on a great one.
00:01:55
Speaker
hooray! Okay, let's hear it. Yeah, do listen friend, how does a couple early Christmas presents sound? Yeah, yes, please. Well, this show, Miss Elizabeth, Hello Smilton, and its spiritual forebearer, The Smilest Indicate Music Hour, has brought delightedment to millions
Revisiting Past Episodes
00:02:12
Speaker
for many years now, hundreds of podcast episodes. In fact, the date keeps getting earlier and earlier. The farther you look back, the more you'll see more and more and more awesome episodes by the Smile City Music Hour. It's an endless cycle and we love being able to revisit the archives and bring some of those delightful moments back to Savor once again. And in the last little while, every so often we do this, we like to mix it up.
00:02:36
Speaker
It's not always Miss Elizabeth doing the picking. It used to be. But now we've thrown the doors open. It's people in Smoughton. And, you know, some of the Nerdy Wells here think they can throw the show off kilter by calling up a death metal update or some other silly business that Miss Elizabeth likes to get up
Food Court Regulars Segment
00:02:51
Speaker
to. Well, I pulled a fast one. And today's set of picks are going to be picked by my buddies at the at the food court. All right. Food court regulars. OK, they're going to be calling it out.
00:03:02
Speaker
Good job. Good job, Food Court Regulars. See, Food Court Regulars, if you're listening to this, see, people like you. Listen to that applause. Yeah. Well, there's a smattering at least. Yeah, and that's got to be good enough for this holiday season. That's all you're going to get. My buddy, Sidewinder, Food Court Regular, he's got a pick. Sidewinder wants to hear from episode 274 of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour, which aired February 7th, 2022 and was entitled, You're Just Mad Because Cindy Likes Me. Let's go.
00:03:31
Speaker
We gotta hear from some other people. Right now, Miss Elizabeth, I've got a mailbag.
Reluctant Listener Mail Reading
00:03:37
Speaker
Normally I'm very reluctant to open that mailbag. It's not true, but I always get the sense that moths are going to fly out of there, or flies, or some kind of unpleasant flying creature.
00:03:49
Speaker
Ok, I don't know why unpleasant. It is a robotic bag. Because the mailbag frequently torments me, Ms. Elizabeth. Well, it does. It's vexing. It's baffling. It's confusing. It should be a way for us to feel like we're getting fuel from the people who listen to this show. And instead, there seem to be more than the fair share of cranks sending in emails or other communiques.
00:04:11
Speaker
Shall I get started? Yes, you should. All right, letter number one. By the way, I haven't read any of these. Oh, I kind of randomly chose these ones. They're always good. Oh, that sounds good. They're always good. OK, so letter number one, Dearest Mile Factory Farm. Yeah. Jibberish. Well, also a pretty good title. Maybe we should have. Anyways, no, we're not changing the name of the show because.
00:04:32
Speaker
Okay, I'm going to tell you to stop right there. I think I'm not interested in hearing from this person. Okay, so here we go. So who do you think this is from? Rick the stick. Okay, you're right. I'm looking at the bottom. Okay. You think that you have the patent on funny in Smilton?
00:04:47
Speaker
Yeah, yes! Well, a Listen to the Most Hilarious Morning radio show in Smiles and Rick the Stig Jefferies' Morning Zoo menagerie crew will make you think twice on that one. Oh, yeah. It's a challenge. Okay. Now featuring our newest crew members, Pete the Freak and Hot Madison. Yeah, I don't care about the Nerdy Wells on your show, and this isn't advertising time.
00:05:09
Speaker
Our whacked-out zanies just got even more whacked-out zany. Okay. So I think that he actually talks this way in real life. Can you imagine listening to that show, Miss Elizabeth? This is the kind of content on offer.
00:05:22
Speaker
I know it's pretty. It's terrible. Yeah. It's brutally terrible. I'm not a huge fan, but he's okay in person.
Fan Mail and Prank Letter
00:05:27
Speaker
Anyone listening to this show, put down the device and step away from the device and hop over your device to your AM radio and tune it to Rick the Stick Jeffries in the morning with Rick the Stick Jeffries morning zoo menagerie crew.
00:05:43
Speaker
It just said, stop listening to this show that we're listening to right now and go turn on the radio. But he doesn't realize that people listen to radio these days on their same devices that they listen to this podcast on. So I think that he's just like... That doesn't sound right either. He's in the previous century. Okay, he is indeed. Which is what all of radio is, if we're honest.
00:06:01
Speaker
If listening to this podcast has made you forgotten what it feels like to laugh, I think he might have. Yeah. Overstepped a boundary there. Yeah. Then check us out. Honk Honk signed Rick the Stick Jefferies. Oh, absolutely. Dear listener friend, if you're tired of the fun you have with us, by all means crank that AM radio up. Go listen to that horrible show, the morning zoom and Azure recruit. It is literally the worst thing that's ever been broadcast.
00:06:29
Speaker
Also, I- You feel your dignity being stripped away listening to that show. It's hacky comedy of the worst sort. I believe you because- It's like having rotten garbage dumped on you. There's no upside.
00:06:44
Speaker
They call themselves Morning Zoo Menagerie. Like, it's way too long of a title. It's a pile of garbage, just like that show. It's way too long of a title. And plus, you're calling your woman... Hot Madison. Hot Madison, your female colleague, essentially. Yeah. I've seen the billboards. She should be an equal. I've seen the billboards. She is hot. But does that mean make her a talented radio personality? Uh-uh. Oh, you don't think she's talented? Well, she might. If she is talented, come over to our show. You can just be Madison.
00:07:12
Speaker
Well, I think they shouldn't be calling her Hawt Madison. Hawt Madison is stupid. The whole show is stupid, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, it's stupid. Okay, let's go to the next one. Dear Elizabeth, don't listen to Rick the Stick. I don't know why we're reading this stuff on the show. Yeah, we have a lot of, maybe, cause it causes problems. He's part of the problem in Smilton. Okay. Dear Miss Elizabeth, I've been a fan for a long time. This is fan mail for you now. My mood is souring Miss Elizabeth. Wait, I mean, you don't think people should write me? I guess they can. It's all right. I really like your contributions to the show. All right. Well, you're welcome.
00:07:42
Speaker
and they hate mine, apparently. And I always get a smile on my face when I see that you've put out a new episode because I know that soon it's gonna be Miss Elizabeth time. Okay. This one goes on for many paragraphs. Okay. I don't want to tell you what to do. Okay. So this person's about to tell me what to do. Here it comes. But I'm not sure why you picked the co-host that you did for the Smile Syndicate music hour. Oh, Miss Elizabeth is loving this now.
00:08:10
Speaker
He sounds like a crank to me. Yeah, I'm a crank. Maybe doing a show with him is so difficult that it makes all the other shows you do seem easier, and so is a kind of practice for you. Is that true, Miss Elizabeth? Is this the hardest show to get through? I didn't write this. You didn't, huh? I didn't write this. Well, let's see who signs this thing.
Children's Messages Segment
00:08:30
Speaker
If that's true, I guess I get it. I still listen, but if I will still listen, but if you told Jason to shut it once in a while, it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world. Your fan, Cindy. Thanks, Cindy, for writing in. That's going to help the show. You know, Cindy, I don't know if it's a criticism from Cindy. It's not constructive. She's telling me to be quiet. No, she's telling me to tell you to be.
00:08:52
Speaker
That's different. That's a world of difference, Jason. Hey, maybe you should be quiet. I shouldn't be. I'm going to defend myself because if Cindy wants to hurl this offensive nonsense my direction, I'm going to say, why did you write into a show to disturb the creative dynamic?
00:09:08
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth and I, we've got a rhythm when we're on the microphones. We may butt heads off camera, off microphone. We may be like two people in a TV show who can barely talk to each other, but once the cameras roll, that's what the magic happens. That's not true, though. You want to disturb that delicate balance, Cindy?
00:09:30
Speaker
That's outrageous. And I can't help but blame you somewhat for this Miss Elizabeth because you do encourage reckless behavior on this show. And Cindy throwing a pile of turd our way is certainly reckless. You're just mad because Cindy likes me. Yeah. Okay. Dear team, I think we're going to need to tighten our belts and really come together. It's time for collaboration, for some future thinking and some synergy. Just waiting for the content to start.
00:09:58
Speaker
This ramshackle operation has been a drain on my time and energy, and I think that if we're going to be a success, then we really are going to have to drop the old ideas that don't work and embrace the bold anew, signed from Ignatius Pepper, CEO of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour.
00:10:19
Speaker
Gibberish gibberish some not I don't know who Ignatius pepper is I recognize pepper someone of the pepper family Someone are in that corrupt mayor patty pepper is somebody there are a million peppers in this town Is this what a hostile takeover looks like bring it? I don't even think it this you know what I okay? I don't have a CEO Jason miss Lismith while I talk other thoughts occurred in my brain
00:10:44
Speaker
Okay, well, maybe it's the fungus talking to you. It's not the fungus, but what I will say is Ignatius Pepper. I don't know if that's real. I've never heard of an Ignatius Pepper. Well, but it sounds delicious. It sounds like a nickname. If it is a member of the Pepper family and this is the signal of an impending hostile takeover of the Smile Syndicate music hour, I say, bring it. What I also think could be is this is a prank. Someone's trying to get a rise out of us, claiming that someone has just assumed the mantle of CEO of the show, which doesn't make any sense to me.
00:11:13
Speaker
We're just a partnership. There's nobody in charge. Stay tuned. We've got to get to the bottom of this. I don't know if the show is in jeopardy or if we're just being victimized by a prank. What does CEO stand for? Chief Executive Officer, Ms. Elizabeth. We don't have a chief executive officer. We don't have a chief anything. There's other C's as well, like COO. Maybe we're in trouble because we didn't assign a CEO on that. Because that seat was vacant, this Ignatius Pepper swooped in like a buzzard.
00:11:37
Speaker
It's not like there's like magic invisible seats everywhere that people can fill. I don't know how the business world works. Miss Elizabeth and there's Jason. We could be in trouble. We could be in the victim. We could be the victim of a prank. Either way, I'm not happy. This is crazy. We're not in trouble. Listen, I've got some rapping with the kids for you. All right. Ready? It's time to share Miss Elizabeth. It's time.
00:11:58
Speaker
I'm gonna sit down on the floor cross-legged the kids are gonna sit around where we're just gonna sit in a circle and we're just gonna rap let's just gonna talk real we're gonna talk real talk let's drop the pretense yeah let's just get real with each other these are messages talk about life mm-hmm and maybe share some wisdom
00:12:15
Speaker
So these were separated out because they were written in crayon. So they're from paragraphs. They're kids. We invite children who attend the Smilton Elementary School to send in questions. Miss Elizabeth collects them and we just rap. It's very obvious that they were children who sent this in. Here we go.
Children's Pranks and Stories
00:12:31
Speaker
Oh man, my teacher is such a loser. I duct taped a bunch of meat underneath their car, and once it starts rotting, that piece of junk is gonna stink. Hey mechanic, my car stinks, and the mechanic goes, sure it isn't you, LOL. There's no question there. It's almost like they're showing off to you.
00:12:54
Speaker
I'd miss Elizabeth, I'm happy. What a delightful email. What a question. Kid, if the question is, what do you think of that? I'm saying thumbs up. What a cool thing to do. You've got a spirit, kid. You're following your own path. You're making light with the burdens of this world. What a great utterance. Just calm down a little bit. It's going to take until well into spring for that prank to come to light.
00:13:21
Speaker
The kid is literally our future, Mrs. Elizabeth. Because right now that meat is frozen solid to the bottom of the vehicle. Mrs. Elizabeth, the kid thinks ahead. Okay. The kid's got his eye on it. The kid has his or her eye on the properties. Okay. Some kids made fun of me because I skip everywhere I go. And this one kid said something and I skipped really fast and went straight into him and knocked him over. And now the other kids are scared of me. Cool. Skipping around. Yeah. Do what you want.
00:13:48
Speaker
You always feel happier when you skip. If you're ever not feeling happy. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, have you ever skipped? As an adult, have you ever skipped? Yes. It is delightful. It is. You get up ahead of... I'm not surprised that kid took another kid out. You get ahead of steam going when you're skipping. We should be skipping everywhere. We should be skipping. Yeah. Again, kid, thumbs up.
00:14:06
Speaker
Okay. Skip. I mean, there was no question there. This is for questions. We're rapping, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. I ran into Miss Elizabeth at the candy shop and she was nice to me and I wanted to say thanks. My mom says she doesn't understand why Miss Elizabeth puts up with Jason on the show.
00:14:24
Speaker
Well, mom, keep it to yourself, sip your lip. I don't care about your... Okay, stop harassing my podcast co-host in a candy store for starters. Second, no one asked for your opinion. Well, she was nice. She was nice. Again, why? This is happening way too much lately. It's fun to get recognized at the candy store. I'm getting her slings and arrows, Miss Elizabeth. All right. I need my 80 bucks back.
00:14:46
Speaker
Wait a minute. No way. You borrowed $80 from a child? I didn't borrow anything, Miss Elizabeth. It was a transaction. You can't have transactions. Let's hear this little creep out. You were supposed to listen and help me over the phone during my social test, but instead of answers, all I hear in my ear is you vacuuming and singing along to Britney Spears songs. Oops, I did it again. Whoops, yeah.
00:15:12
Speaker
She didn't apologize, and neither am I. You've got a lot to learn about helping people cheat. Well, I'd say that's true. I know everything about helping kids cheat, you little brat. That's definitely... Did you forget about the test, Jason? I forgot. I misaligned my calendar, Miss Elizabeth, so I was doing my chores. Well, on the other side of things, though, thank you for vacuuming.
00:15:32
Speaker
Guys, Miss Elizabeth, if you... Miss Elizabeth does 90 one other podcasts. As soon as she's done, she beetles out of Smile Syndicate HQ like it's on fire. I'm left behind to clean it up. So she's thanking me now while it's better than nothing. Yeah, I was vacuuming, singing along with my earbuds because I was listening to Britney Spears. This kid's going to complain. At least you got to show you, little brat. Why don't you study next time? And no, you're not getting your 80 bucks back.
00:15:55
Speaker
Well, that's probably wrong of you. You should probably offer to do it again later. Okay. How come when I throw up in class, it makes everyone else throw up and even the teacher is throwing up and everybody's throwing up because I threw up. I don't know. I mean, I feel a bit sick just talking about it. Great question, kids. It makes you nauseous. Yeah, it's a puzzler. What movie was that in? That was the famous scene of everybody throwing up. That's in every movie these days. Okay.
00:16:20
Speaker
Problem Child 2. Okay. For all you cinnamophiles out there. The great throw-up-ning. No! Problem Child 2 is in the top five very greatest movies ever made. Is it? Internationally. I thought that was Paddington 2. I don't even know what that is. Okay. My dad wants the family to go out to the cabin this summer and I told him that idea, that idea was a turd loaf.
00:16:49
Speaker
Watch the language. I'm grounded now. Is your dad this stupid? That's a good question. No. I wouldn't be so rude to say turd loaf in front of anybody I'm related to. What a rude thing, kid. You know, I usually I'm a big thumbs up on this independent spiritedness. Just let your freak flag fly, getting out there, doing what you got to do. But that's just rude.
00:17:14
Speaker
Come on, kid, that cabin is probably fine. It's not like you're roughing it. I love it. The kids these days, they think they're roughing it. They go to the cabin. It probably has Wi-Fi. They're going to be on their device the whole time anyway. What's the difference? Kids stop saying turd loaf. Yeah. I like how instead of asking if he did the right thing, he's just asking like, did you do the same thing and your dad also grounded you? Kid, don't drag me into the mess you're making. Yeah.
00:17:42
Speaker
When should I decide what to do when I grow up? I think that I'd like to be a cyborg astronaut or a cyborg police officer, something cyborg. I'm going to answer this one. If you're going to be a cyborg astronaut, that's not a bad idea because it's going to really suck to be an astronaut up in space for any length of time.
00:18:01
Speaker
No kidding. You got to cyborg some of that biology out of you. Yeah, you got it. It's the biology part of you that sucks in space. Kid, you've announced your determination to become more man, more machine than man. Become more machine if you're going to go into space, but if you're going to be a police officer, stay human. Well, although... Robocop. Robocop. Well, this kid has definitely got to screw loose. They want to replace... Hopefully not if they're a cyborg. Well, exactly. They want to... They'll say all their screws are tightened.
00:18:28
Speaker
Oh, hilarious, Miss Elizabeth. You're making your little jokes while I worry about the future of humanity, because this kid has announced their intention to become its enemy. Oh. A cyborg goes out of control one way or the other, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, you think that they're going to go out of control? They will have super strength. They'll have a computer brain.
00:18:44
Speaker
We should all go a little bit cyborg and then that that threat is mitigated. What a dystopian idea. Mitigate that threat. My friend's grandma hates my grandma. My friend's grandma hates my grandma. Got it. The situation is starting to be a pain in my arse.
00:19:02
Speaker
Good question, kid. Why are the grandmas coming together? I don't know. It's a tightly knit community, Miss Elizabeth. Maybe it's just a fun scene to watch. It probably is hilarious to watch those two grandmas snipping and sniping at each other. Yeah, they probably are clicking and clacking with their little knitting needles.
00:19:17
Speaker
The kid pops some popcorn, enjoy the show. I don't know why everything has to be a pain in the arse. You'd probably end up with two scarves at the end. The kids in this town span the spectrum. They're either happy-go-lucky, freewheeling, free spirits, or they're crabby, they're saying turd loaf, and they're saying pains in the arse.
00:19:36
Speaker
Yeah, that's not appropriate. I think just roll with that one. Cheer up, just roll with that one. Yeah, roll with that one. Last one, Jason. Ready? All right. I got thrown off my hockey team because I kept peeing in everyone's hockey bag as a joke, but no one can take a joke. So now what?
00:19:55
Speaker
I'm going to throw my hands up, kid. I don't know. That's a pretty good gag. What do you do, Jason, when no one can take a joke? I don't know. You just got a soldier on. You got to never give up. And you know what, kid? Sometimes you'll find that if something doesn't go over well, the sheer fact of you doing it over and over again makes it funny. So just double down.
00:20:13
Speaker
Okay, I gotta say though. Before the next hockey practice, just drink as much water as you conceivably can. This is awful. In the minivan ride over to the arena, just be pounding back that water and then just run in there and just start going. The kids will laugh eventually.
00:20:28
Speaker
No, I just, I think it is pretty nasty. That's pretty nasty. I'm gonna have to say... Fog horn. Fog horn. You don't have a sense of humor at all. Neither do you, Miss Elizabeth. You've got to get with the times. Peeing in hockey bags is where it's at when it comes to comedy. Not when it's your hockey bag getting peed in. When you're the peer, sure, it's funny, but... If I played hockey and I had a hockey bag and somebody was peeing in it, I would probably do a little bit of light applause and say, bravo. Hilarious. Well played. Well, yeah, well played, sir. Okay. Why not?
00:20:57
Speaker
Well, I can think of some it's a funny joke. I'm not uptight. I don't I'm not gonna go home. Oh rump I I miss Elizabeth. I like comedy as much as the next fellow. You're pretty uptight though true enough You're trying to spin my words around and I'm gonna say this is the appropriate time to put an end to the mailbag Oh stuff Right here on hell of smiling
Smile Syndicate Song Feature
00:21:24
Speaker
Smilton Radio, let's listen to a Smile Syndicate song by Hard Rockin Band, a middling band at best here in Smilton, but we have our hearts in the right place. You're still drawn. Exactly. I think that this song, though, coming up is going to be on all streaming platforms. I mean, it is currently on all streaming platforms. It is currently because it's part of an EP called Winter Thunderland. Yeah. It's the holiday season, so we're revisiting these classic tracks. So let's listen right now. Oh, hang on, Miss Elizabeth.
00:21:53
Speaker
All right, I've got to tune in the spot on the radio to find the song, and here it is. I've landed on the station, ice, fishing, cutie. Let's listen. You've never seen skies so blue I know what we should do The lakes eighty clicks away Led back in gold today
00:22:24
Speaker
No matter how hard we wish, we won't catch any fish. The lake is a giant slew, it's killed with wrecked skidoos. Sit beside me, ice fish and kitty, wearing those snowshoes and looking so fine. Crest that snowdrift, wear those nitons with snowmen beside me. You can see that you're mine.
00:22:55
Speaker
a meter thick and auger does the trick. Let's say we drill a hole
00:23:09
Speaker
We're sittin' out in the sun It's minus thirty, won't you smile and save your tea? Cutie the guile, me sittin' pretty Ice fishing cutie, wearin' those snowshoes and lookin' so fine Crest that snow drift, wear those niggas And the snowmen beside me can see that you're mine
00:24:03
Speaker
Well, how hard we wish we won't catch many fish The lake is a giant, so it's filled with rags, scooters, we're sitting out in the sun It's minus 31, you smile
00:24:18
Speaker
Sit pretty Ice fishing cutie Wearing those snowshoes and looking so fine Crest that snowdrift Wear those mittens and snowmen beside me Can see that you're mine Sit beside me Ice fishing cutie Wearing those snowshoes and looking so fine Crest that snowdrift Wear those mittens and snowmen beside me Can see that you're mine
00:24:48
Speaker
you
00:25:04
Speaker
Icefish and CUNY by the Smiles Syndicate right here on Hello Smiles. It's romantic for a winter song. All digital platforms, Miss Elizabeth. If you want to listen to that track again to your listener friend, but maybe in stereo this time, check it out on Spotify or whatever other platform you have. It's a number that'll get your toes a-tapping. And there's other winter songs on that same EP. Indeed, four other ones. We've been listening to them, and there's one more coming up next week. Oh, I can't wait. Miss Elizabeth, we have another pick from the Vast Archives.
Lance Brock's Rock Talk
00:25:34
Speaker
Oh, who's this from? This is from Cranky Neil, another one of my pals, and he's showing a little bit more sense. Do you feel like it may affect a person if their first name is Cranky and their second name is Neil? Like they're always Cranky. It hasn't done him one speck of harm. Okay. He's Cranky and he owns it. So what's wrong with that? Yeah, but what if he ever wants to just be like calm?
00:25:55
Speaker
Cranky Neil is not a pigeonhole. It is not a label that stifles the free expression of his character. Cranky Neil does what he does. He does himself. And the world better watch out because listen to this pic. Lance Brock's Rock Talk. The best segment we air, my buddy Lance. He's going to give us the good word from Rock Mount Olympus. This is going to be great. This is from episode 291 of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour, June 6th.
00:26:21
Speaker
2022 is when we first heard this in that in that episode, which was called I'm not writing you a summertime anthem excitement. I hope it's good. Let's go.
00:26:32
Speaker
I've had quite the week, so I'm looking forward to a little bit of serenity coming out of today's show. Serenity. And we're going to set ourselves up the right way because the first thing we're going to do today is check in with my buddy Lance. Right. Lance Brock, he runs the best guitar store in town. He is the epitome of rock in this town. He lives, breathes, and sleeps at Miss Elizabeth.
00:26:55
Speaker
I know, he's very much into rock. He's not the only store in town, he is one of the stores in town. The fact that Mr. Elizabeth don't even, that other place that purports to be a rock emporium. Rock stallion guitars. That's a hangout for...
00:27:12
Speaker
Hang out for posers and losers, Miss Elizabeth, which is what we're going to find out now as we check in with Lance Brock's rock talk. My buddy has given us the good word of rock. Let us listen up. All right. What in the F is up? You rock crazed rock paths. I'd like to ask if you're ready to rock, but I know the answer that would be F and shouted back is what in the F are you talking about Lance? Of course we're F and ready to rock, to which I say I humbly withdraw the F in question.
Guitar Store and Rivalry
00:27:39
Speaker
All right. So we're just, everybody's ready. We're on the mark.
00:27:42
Speaker
We're all together. We're ready to go. Checklist complete. Welcome to Lance Brock's Rock Talk, the best effing rock podcast on any effing computer anywhere. If you're like me, you're getting tired of the effing tiddly wink hour. Can I just pause that for just a moment? Yeah, he did insult, but does he think that everybody's just sitting in front of like a Tandy 2000 or listening to the podcast?
00:28:06
Speaker
he's speaking figuratively surely he doesn't well maybe he is sitting in front of a computer listening to this miss Elizabeth it is a valid way to listen to the show would you sneer at dear listener friend for doing it that way no of course not i just think lance maybe should get a phone and you can download one of those podcast 2.0 apps you can call him up the phone's sitting right there right by the cash register he'll answer it i guarantee podcast 2.0 apps including
00:28:44
Speaker
I'll admit that Lance doesn't have the utmost respect for the Smile Syndicate music hour. He doesn't dismiss it as the Tiddlywink.
00:28:53
Speaker
He doesn't have his own podcast, to be clear. He always just takes over our podcast this milestone. And we're listening to Lance Brock's Rock Talk, which is his podcast. He called us. So, Miss Elizabeth, you have to keep up. And now this show and now that this show is starting, you can finally get the F and rock recharge and F and rock travel on the F and wrote a rock. So F and desperately F and needs for F sake.
00:29:16
Speaker
okay he's a bit wound up today busy effing he's a little wound up right busy effing week my friend guitar sales have been a bit slow at musique by lance probably due to that effing rock black hole mitch winchill in his cruddy guitar store when an effing rock antipode is living in the same town as you
00:29:35
Speaker
He sucks the effing rock right out of everything he touches. Since he's effing with me, I thought I'd
Rock-Themed Restaurant Critique
00:29:40
Speaker
eff with him. So I went down to his new burger restaurant and I had the barf bag effing with me because I knew I'd be throwing up even before I got any food. Oh, is he becoming bulimic again?
00:29:50
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth? No, of course not. The very idea that Mitch Winchell would open up a rock themed restaurant right here in Smilton, yet the idea is nauseating on its face and Lance is telling you in so many words that he's going to need the barf bag just from the very concept that this place exists. Okay, well so he's feeling under the weather and or bulimic. Thanks, he's not feeling bulimic, Miss Elizabeth. It's all due to Mitch Winchell, the rock and roll poser
00:30:15
Speaker
So he hasn't actually launched a complaint yet against Mitch. He's anticipating a problem. Okay. Yeah. Rightly. Okay. If someone had told me the effing circus was in town ahead of time, I would have appreciated it. Mitch Winchell's rock and roll burger experience isn't even an effing restaurant. It's an effing clown show that serves dog food to its pose or want to be clientele. I get down there and there's an there's a line around the effing block. Everyone's got a Mitch Winchell t-shirt on. I'm already so effing sick already. I don't think I'll ever eat again.
00:30:46
Speaker
Okay, so it's not, the t-shirts aren't for him. None of it's for him, Miss Elizabeth. He obviously wants to experience what this restaurant has to offer. He's not going to slag it out of the blue, out of any kind of preconceived notion, Miss Elizabeth. It's got to be grounded, in fact, and him standing in line with all those Nerdy Wells who have nothing better to do than eat poorly constructed hamburgers.
00:31:11
Speaker
Why do you make that assumption? I mean, he's got a very well constructed building for his rock and roll tools of the trade. Yeah, that store is an antiseptic germ lab compared to Lance's guitar store. And I know which place I'd rather rock in.
00:31:26
Speaker
Well I know to. So I get in there and this girl comes up to me to take my order and I go I've been effing perusing this effing menu you've got here and I notice I can't order rock am I effing blind and this chick goes well we sell burgers and fries and shakes and stuff like that
00:31:42
Speaker
And I go, I'll repeat myself. Where does a hungry effing rock traveller go for burgers? Because it sure as eff isn't this place. Then a couple big guys appear from the kitchen and start heading toward me and I'm clutching my stomach. Oh, my stomach. I got effing rock food poisoning from the bad food because of how bad this place sucks. If you hate rock and all it stands for, keep eating. If not, follow me.
00:32:05
Speaker
and I start heading out and no one follows and I'm about to weep because of all the effed up lost souls of rock that were lost due to that grocery stealing food poisoning creep, Mitch Winchell. Wait, wait, wait. He's never seen Mitch Winchell rob a store of groceries. No, this was when he breaks into hatchbacks to steal groceries. That's the scuttlebutt. And the only food poisoning has been just Lance pretending to have food poisoning at Mitch Winchell's restaurant. And other people with poor lost rock souls that have been eating those burgers
00:32:35
Speaker
But they're not food poisoned. Just give it time.
00:32:39
Speaker
Wait, yeah, instead of a customer review, I'm gonna do a restaurant review. Mitch Winchell's Rock and Roll Burger Experience. Your effing correspondent is sorry to report that the latest rock theme restaurant to Land and Smileton is a pitiful effing wasteland, a rock-hating wannabeism, bad food, bad service, rude customers. If you're a poser and a loser poser and want to get as far away from rock as possible, then this place is for you. If not, save some money and throw up at home instead of going to this place.
00:33:09
Speaker
one star oh my goodness i don't think he should be recommending bulimia to anybody so i don't know why you keep going back to that miss liz he's talking about an upsetting stomach experience due to poorly made food i mean he's like enacting feeling sick yeah like it's an it's like an act it's like it's not an act miss elizabeth it's the true life adventures of a rock renegade
00:33:30
Speaker
Top five effing bands by the way That is a great restaurant. They have really nice sure doesn't sell like it burgers They're the kind of high-class burgers that they serve like separate and you have to put them together before you start eating them Yeah, really good. I don't know where I heard that before Elizabeth Smilton has badly needed a proper burger establishment There
00:33:51
Speaker
Again, I mean it's a little pricey, but it's worth it. What does that have to do with rock? He again. He's riding the coattails of rock. It's a pedal his garbage Just like a rock the how many struggling families had to do without groceries because of this grocery-stealing knobs Dealing their groceries to fund this ill-advised burger enterprise
00:34:12
Speaker
I'm pretty sure Mitch Winchell donates to food charities, too. That's what he tells you, Ms. Elizabeth. Don't believe a word of it. He's the opposite of a grocery stealing knob. No, I think it is. Lance has got him dead to rights.
Top Rock Bands Discussion
00:34:24
Speaker
Top five effin' bands of all time. Number five, Ozzy, Effin' Osborne, the effin' grandfather of metal, rock,
00:34:32
Speaker
hip-hop, trip-bop, and any effin' other thing you wanna throw in the effin' sink. He makes Beethoven look like F. and Mitch Winchell's stupid cousin. Okay, quick question. Do you call, like, if somebody's a rock and roll star, but they're recording individually, do you still call that a rock and roll band?
00:34:51
Speaker
No. A band is multiple people, Miss Elizabeth, Ozzy Osbourne, pretty... They don't refer to them as the Blizzard of Oz anymore. That was way back in the beginning. He's pretty clearly a solo artist. Alright. So why does Lance put him in the top bands of all time? Miss Elizabeth.
00:35:06
Speaker
You can try to parse your way out of trouble, but you're not going to be able to get away with it this time. Don't think I've been in any trouble. If you're going to sit there and tell me that Ozzy, Elphin, and Osborne doesn't belong on the top five f-ing rock bands of all time list, then I suggest a head check stat. I mean, I'm not saying that he's not great. I'm just saying, is he a band?
00:35:27
Speaker
Top five... Miss Elizabeth, do you want me to read what I read? Again, because it's pretty clear. Top five effin' bands of all time. Number four. Effin' Led, Effin' Zeppelin. That's a band, I think. My brother Vance told me that in between Led Zeppelin IV and House of the Holy Man, there's an album called Led Zeppelin V, which is the best one they ever effin' did. So I had to effin' hear this thing, because I haven't got it yet. So I spent all day driving around the tritone. He doesn't have that yet?
00:35:54
Speaker
Driving around the tri-town area to find this Evan album and I didn't so if any of you crazy efforts Listening could fire off a cassette copy to me. I'd be oh I can actually help out with this once you have your podcasting figured out on your phone. You can also stream most music music I don't think I don't think Led Zeppelin five exists. Oh, but let's uplift. Okay. Okay. I think Lansing chasing a unicorn He had all those titles wrong house that the holy man is also incorrect. How do you figure?
00:36:23
Speaker
Number three, Judas Ethan Priest. I thought he actually didn't have the actual Led Zeppelin album. What are you talking about? I was listening to House of the Holy Man yesterday.
00:36:37
Speaker
Oh, really? What? Number three, Judas F-ing Priest. The singer is a badass motorcycle dude, and I definitely want him and my F-ing posse if S ever started going down. OK, well, agreed. Number two, Black Sabbath. My F-ing dad has worn the same 1978 Black Sabbath tour shirt every F-ing day since that F-ing concert. Oh, boy. And you F-ing wonder why I F-ing respect the man.
00:37:05
Speaker
Lance's dad. Oh, that's a bit of a problem. How long ago was that? 1978? Ah, some time ago. Miss Elizabeth, maybe 44 years. That's 44 years. That's a t-shirt. It probably is a little snug now because body shapes do change. It's probably faded. Miss Elizabeth, have you... It might be torn. They get threadbare. Have you not seen the picture of Lance's dad behind the counter at Music by Lance?
00:37:29
Speaker
Yeah, it's a bit snug about his chest. He's ripped, Miss Elizabeth. The only thing it's snug on is muscle. The guy's a badass. You want to start talking smack about Lance's dad? I go right to it, but I'm not backing you up. I think we need to get him a few extra of those t-shirts. If that's all he wants to wear, he should have some new ones. Well, hop in your time machine and go do that, Miss Elizabeth. I'll wait here for you. We'll just get copies. Number, oh, as if.
00:37:52
Speaker
Number one. Top effin' band of all time. Oh, this is gonna be good. Lance, Brox, Goin' Snake. Okay. Fogg Horn, you haven't even heard the band. This band has not... Nobody has.
00:38:06
Speaker
So how can I be a top end of all time? Imagine if you will, you are a mathematician and you're working on this very complex problem and you are looking at those equations and you are writing stuff down and finally you get to the end of the paper and then you see the numbers come out the way you're looking for and suddenly you realize you've done it and you shriek. Eureka, is that problem not solved even if it hasn't been shared with the world yet?
00:38:35
Speaker
I think this, sure, okay. QED. Okay. This band is the greatest band of all time, and I'm not just saying that because I'm the rhythm guitar player. Rock's foundations are about to be rocked to an extent seismologists will scarcely fathom this, Elizabeth. So wait and see, wait and see. Somebody like Handsome Mike doesn't want a book. Go on Snake. That's his loss. So there's theory. Once this band is unleashed, there's no putting them back in the bottle.
00:39:02
Speaker
Agreed, but there's theory, and then there's practice. Have you guys been practicing? Miss Elizabeth? Zeus, have you been practicing ruling the rock world? And then you get struck down by a thunderbolt, because that's the stupidest question ever asked. Practice. When you're a rock god, practice is an alien, mortal, earthbound concept. OK, maybe insulting people is all you need to do to get them to like you.
00:39:31
Speaker
I don't know what that means, Miss Elizabeth. I'm sorry. This band is a little bit proud of its chops, a little bit proud of its ability to rock, more than proud of its material. And the world will see. The world will see. We had that backyard gig that went south, but that's okay. More to come. You got robbed, I think.
00:39:50
Speaker
No, that's a different time in the backyard. We got Rob, Miss Elizabeth, I'm thinking about that birthday party where the sound system was so bad, no one could hear and we could barely tell what we were playing. See, I'm telling you, it's not just about the theory, it's also about putting it together in practical ways. Again, you and your word games, can we get through this... Segment, yes, let's do it.
Rock Advice for Young Listeners
00:40:10
Speaker
Before I effin' go hear some advice for you effin' kids out there in effin' podcast land, if you wanna be in one of the best effin' bands of all time, I got one piece of advice for ya. Effin' rock. Effin' rock like your life depended on it because it effin' does because bein' a rock-hating poser, loser wanna be, poser loser is no effin' way to live, and you can take that effin' piece of advice to the effin' bank vaults.
00:40:36
Speaker
Okay. That's it for this effin episode. If you feel like rockin' right now that I've done my job, if not, go eff yourself if I'm able to find it.
00:40:47
Speaker
if I may put to find an effing point on it. Lance Brock rock talk the effing rock show is over. Peace out over and out. F and hop on the F and rock train out rocking F and roll to the F and depths of your soul. Handsome mic book my band at your bar because we've F and waited long enough and that F and train is going to pass you by. Peace.
00:41:10
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, studio audience reacting appropriately for once. They got a little bit of a double barrel blast of rock wisdom from Smoutons greatest living rock practitioner. Yeah. Dear listener friend, I hope you feel energized. I hope you feel more like rock and I hope you hope you learn something. Yeah. Well,
00:41:28
Speaker
Yeah, I didn't mind it as much. I mean, I guess I'm just in a pretty good mood, I think. Lance hasn't gone too far wrong recently, so... What do you mean, too far wrong? He's staying the course. He's staying the rock course, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. I mean, he just sort of tried to scare people away from Mitch Winchell's restaurant, which... It's a well-founded warning, Miss Elizabeth. That's just doing your civic duty. The Rock of Ages. Okay.
00:41:52
Speaker
I just figured I'd say that. It seemed appropriate. How is Lance doing these days? He's doing awesome. He's getting ready for the Christmas season. One thing we're kind of both wondering is where the people are. I guess people are holding off on doing Christmas shopping until like Christmas Eve or something. Yeah. Pretty slow around the store this time of year, but that's okay.
00:42:10
Speaker
It's cold and he does have a lot of holes in around the store. Letting the heat out. That's fine. That's as may be. I think I figured out why it's so slow though. Oh, okay. New Year's Eve is coming. You gotta rest up. That's a pretty heavy rockin' party night. That's true. So yeah, I think sales will pick up just after Christmas lines. Don't worry about it. Okay. In the meantime, let's listen to one more smile, send a good song before we ride this pony home.
Closing and Next Episode Teaser
00:42:32
Speaker
Sounds good. Rogan Rascal, let's sing!
00:42:34
Speaker
Road say you go too low, rascals say you fly too high Road say go with the flow, rascals say what's with this guy Heat the road, pay the price, dump the rascals, bad advice They aren't looking out for you, tell the screwballs you all threw
00:43:07
Speaker
They pay the price, not to rascal bad advice. They aren't looking.
00:43:47
Speaker
Groves say you've got your bar, rascals say you've fallen behind Groves say you've rolled before, rascals say you've lost your mind Leave the road, pay the price, Dr. Rascal's bet advice They are looking out for you, tell us who walked you all through Leave the road, pay the price, Dr. Rascal's bet advice
00:44:27
Speaker
Rogue and Rascal by Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile Syndicate. Another amazing song by the Smile Syndicate. One of the shark-topping tracks on the Smile Syndicate's latest album, Mr. Blue, Hullabaloo. That's right, and you can always find more Smile Syndicate songs on all streaming platforms.
00:44:44
Speaker
It was my Christmas down in the toilet hearing from that guy. Didn't need that. Yeah, but he's excited sometimes. He likes to know. Good for him, good for us all. Dear listener friend, I hope you enjoyed today and I hope you check in with the show next week. What do you mean next week? It's Christmas day. Well, guess what? Your podcast feed's gonna have an episode in it, so you better get ready. Yeah, we don't quit. As much as I'd like to, that's true. Yeah.
00:45:08
Speaker
Well, we got to keep on going. The joyful treadmill continues. We're finishing this year strong and we'll be there with you in the new year, dear listener friend. Sounds good. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth.
00:45:20
Speaker
Take us out! That's it! We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton! There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word and make a difference to the show. So it's Bye-Bye from Jason. Bye-Bye. And Bye-Bye from me. See you all. Bye-Bye, I see you. See you all next week. And as always, remember friends, the sun is the jig box.