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Focus On The Important Things, Tawny Blaze
39 Plays8 months ago
Whitewater rafting with your raft on fire while being chased by bandits is a positive snorefest when compared to this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Miss Elizabeth and Jason blaze their path towards new frontiers of comedy and original music entertainment and it's all coming from their hometown of Smileton, the Podcasting Capital of the World.
In today's episode, Jason's yoga master gives us his over-the-top intense update with words of wisdom for us all in A YOGA MOMENT WITH ANGEL.
A SMILETON NEWS BULLETIN will interrupt our programming day with a startling update while the Injury Report from the Smileton street hockey scene with ensure we're placing our bets wisely.
To top it all off, our eager hosts keep each other honest with the NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION UPDATE. Who's on course and who is faltering? LISTEN to LEARN.
Two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE will get our toes a-tappin' and set some other body parts in motion, too.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
1:41 A Yoga Moment with Angel
13:15 Smileton News Bulletin
15:51 SONG – The Streakening
18:47 Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report
25:09 New Year's Resolution Update
33:43 SONG – Oh, Bermuda!
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Landscape
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smiles and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I am ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Well, thanks, Miss Elizabeth. And welcome to you, dear listener friend. Thanks so much. Your attention is highly appreciated. We recognize
00:00:27
Speaker
What a competitive landscape today's podcasting world is, and the fact that you're giving us your time here and your focused attention speaks volumes about your discernment and about the quality of this show. We've had to fight and defeat a multitude of other kinds of programming in order to get this contingent of audience
00:00:49
Speaker
Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I've lost count of the smear campaigns, the dirty tricks, the skullduggery I've had to engage in to push competitors out of the way to force ourselves to the front of the line. But here we
Podcasting Challenges and Teamwork
00:01:02
Speaker
are. We'll do everything. We'll do it. Well, there's almost nothing we won't do for our listeners. That's right. And sitting here in podcasting's vanguard means that we got to watch our six 24 seven.
00:01:15
Speaker
That's a lot of numbers. Miss Elizabeth, my brain is like a human computer. Math wasn't my strongest suit. You did fine. I do even better.
00:01:29
Speaker
OK, I'll handle the English. You do the math. Together we work well. Miss Elizabeth, I guess we're in the mood to do a show, and it's a good thing because we hit record on this thing not two minutes ago. Well, why don't we stop dancing around? Why don't we get on to the fun?
Yoga Segment with Humor
00:01:45
Speaker
Dear listener friend, if you're in the mood for some comedy capering and some original music outpourings, you signed up for the right show. And I'm going to look on the first page of the menu, and I'm going to see that we have, oh my goodness, Miss Elizabeth.
00:01:58
Speaker
It's time to learn something. It's time to hone our skills. It's time to get better. I love honing my skills, Jason. That's what I look to the internet for. That's what I look to podcasting for. So what are we going to learn about today? Yoga. OK. We're going to learn how to clench your fists, tighten your spine, clench those buttocks, and get ready to assault your opponents because yoga is a blood sport and enlightenment doesn't come without
00:02:28
Speaker
That's the laughter of the ignorant. None of that sounds like yoga. Ladies and gentlemen, silence yourselves. I did not address you. I don't need your interruptions. Now silence. Look at your phones if you must, but no more interruptions. But it sounds more like mixed martial arts or something. It doesn't sound like yoga. Mixed martial arts as a child. That's what you do on the playground. With a bunch of slow witted kids. Is that what school was like for you?
00:02:56
Speaker
I don't want to talk about school, Miss Elizabeth. I want to talk about yoga enlightenment. I want to talk about what my buddy Angel brought back as a yoga master. Some kind of disease. Enlightenment.
00:03:12
Speaker
And he's sharing it with us in a segment we call a yoga moment with Angel. Now, because of your rudeness, Angel's not here to read his message, so I'll deliver his words. I am a proud, long-suffering student of Angel's. I keep bashing my head against the wall. It is suffering. It's not easy to be in those classes. It's a grind. You get attacked by dogs, you get sprayed by a fire hose, you get grappled, non-stop.
00:03:42
Speaker
So I'm going to be a good student and I'm going to deliver the word of the master. I hope you give as good as you get there. I try.
00:03:49
Speaker
Waka Waka, how's it hangin'? Yeah, I'm back. Time, once again, to pound my head against the invincible granite wall that is your ignorance. If I pound hard enough, a crack might appear and some wisdom might sink into the thick skulls of my fellow man. Dubious to be sure, but I must keep bashing. Doesn't give up. In service to others, Miss Elizabeth. Okay. He's really insulting, though. It's a weird way that he's being in service. Because he's calling us dumb as rocks.
00:04:19
Speaker
Fix cult, ignorant, slow to learn. Yeah, he got us dead to rights. If you're here for your free bit of yoga wisdom that you think you can sneak off with and use without paying for it, then you'll have to wait until the end of the yoga update. You'll get your table scraps then, you dog. Probably shouldn't announce that upfront because now they're just going to scrub to the end. Don't do that. If you're a listener friend, you got to listen to all the other stuff. You're fine with him calling you a dog, by the way.
00:04:48
Speaker
I was just one thing at a time, Jason. Okay. First thing you got to hear about is something you got to buy and lots of it. I've come out with my own line of yoga hot sauces and a lot of you mouth breathers out there. I love hot sauce. I think these products are going to be right up your alley then.
00:05:08
Speaker
And a lot of you mouth breathers out there need your sinuses cleared out so this nuclear powered slop I'm selling should be right up your stupid alley. Go to any grocery store in town and ask the store manager who looks like he doesn't know which end of his ass is up where my hot sauces are. Wait a minute. Why does anybody's ass end up though? Shouldn't your ass be pointed down? It's an idiom. He doesn't know which end of his ass is up. Okay.
00:05:36
Speaker
He doesn't know what's going on if you need me to break it down for you. I think your ass is one end of you. You don't have two ends of one ass. It's an idiom, Miss Elizabeth. Haven't you heard that before? Well, no, not in that way exactly. Tell that tool you're looking for,
Hot Sauce Advertising and Comedy
00:05:51
Speaker
Malaysian Volcano Furnace Face. This stuff is so hot you may just pass out from the heat from opening the jar. All right, bring it on. The yoga students we tested this stuff on usually had real violent reactions to it.
00:06:05
Speaker
Well, you want to be a volunteer. You don't want to have it done to you. Say no more, Miss Elizabeth. I witnessed some of those testing sessions and I would say... Involuntary. That's a broad term. Okay.
00:06:22
Speaker
If you want the heat, put this frickin' volcano in your mouth. I'll volunteer. Okay, well, you don't even know what you're signing up for there. Miss Elizabeth, I saw what happened to people when they ate that stuff. I know, but they're not me. I have recently discovered that I love hot sauce. People were foaming at the mouth. There were seizures. There was a lot of screaming. Okay, well, sounds like I'm gonna love it.
00:06:41
Speaker
Chilean magma brutal meltdown even hotter than the volcano This crap comes from the center of the earth and its sole mission is to burn another hole in your empty head You know what? A lot of hot sauces have these really dramatic titles and then when you taste them, they're actually just like a sweet sauce They're actually just like a red hot this isn't even food we're talking about anymore. Okay. Well, I'll believe it when I try it
00:07:05
Speaker
You got to put on gloves to even touch this stuff because we can't seem to get the jars to seal properly. And if you get a bit on your hands and rub your eye, you'll probably be blind for a few weeks or so. Well, that's obvious. Yeah, you shouldn't you shouldn't touch. I can't believe you're so on board with these hot sauce products. I love hot sauce. I didn't know this was coming. I mean, it's like industrial strength steel melter. Yeah. I'm in the market for some new hot sauce. I need to make a chili. Yeah. Well, I love hot sauce. I'll put it on everything. How about this one breath?
00:07:36
Speaker
about this breath of the deep sea monster this stuff isn't hot but god does it stink open this bad boy up and you'll be clear in the whole building guaranteed i haven't been able to taste it because the stench is so overpowering i've passed out every time look label looks cool though okay that's not even a hot sauce that's a stink sauce
00:07:56
Speaker
I think I know what this is, though. This is just anchovy paste. And I'm running out of that, too. It's anchovy paste. I know what it is. The breath of the deep sea monster. They're eating anchovies. I don't think so. It's anchovy paste. You know what? It's like... It makes your soup better. Your naivete. On the one hand, it makes one want to go, be careful. You're treading on dangerous paths. No worries. And then the other side of you goes, yeah, let her go experience the thing. It'll knock the smugness right out of her.
00:08:26
Speaker
Because you don't even know what you're trifling with here. This sounds delicious. All this sounds good. I'm an amazing chef, by the way. I can out chef any chef at soup or stews or chilies or anything like that. You don't even know what yoga is, Berylene. You think you can just dig into these yoga hot sauces unprepared? None of these things are yoga. All of these things are... He told us that they were yoga hot sauces, but they're light years beyond the normal hot sauce.
00:08:53
Speaker
I'll try them. I will let you know if they are a hot sauce or if they're just a sauce, first of all. And secondly, Breath of the Deep Sea Monster is definitely going to be anchovy paste. It's not anchovy paste. It's opening that jar is like a toxic incident. Like a hazmat team has to get called. That's what you always say when I open the anchovy paste.
00:09:12
Speaker
I told you, no food in Smile Syndicate HQ. We gotta keep this place pristine. We're doing a show here. Alright, well these things sound okay. I just wish he would be less insulting about
Yoga Master's Quest for Love
00:09:22
Speaker
his audience. That's what yoga is. You signed up for that when you walked in his studio. Each 10 ounce jar is only $68.50, so spread them on the Cheetos or Nachos or whatever garbage you shoved down your face and get to work. Tell him Angel sent you. Alright.
00:09:39
Speaker
Those sound good, Miss Elizabeth, if only to be, to amuse your house guests when they come over, and then they ask you about the hot sauces, and then when they even get the jars near them, they start screaming from the heat or the stink. I'm in the market for a new yoga girlfriend. My new yoga student, Jock, has a lot of success with the... Fog horn looking to bust up another love connection. This is not how to get a new girlfriend, yoga or no.
00:10:09
Speaker
How do you figure? You don't just announce it via somebody else reading your words on a podcast. This is not going to impress. He's getting the word out. Everybody knows who Angel is, and any of you single ladies listening, you might want to take the yoga master up on his offer. He's in the market. All right. So throw your hat in the ring. My new yoga student, Jock, has a lot of success with the ladies, and he's been giving me tips. Even a yoga master trained by the mysterious monks of the East can learn something about the fairer sex.
00:10:38
Speaker
Jock's a real ladies man, but he's a real dud as a yoga student. I've stopped trying to teach him anything and just set the dogs on him every time he shows up. He's been screaming less lately, so I think he might be learning something. But yeah, back to the point, send me some recent photos from different angles. What you're looking for in a man and we'll get this frickin thing underway.
00:10:56
Speaker
Alright, I don't think that's going to work, but good luck to you Angel. That's romance in the 21st century. Before I give you a yoga tip, check this garbage out. Remember I was telling you about my yoga mutant lawyer? That goof got kidnapped by his family who deprogrammed all my yoga wisdom out of him and now he's an injury lawyer on TV. Can you believe this? Oh, so he's recovered.
00:11:18
Speaker
Well, it sounds like he's relapsed to me. Okay. I think he's recovered from all of the abuse that was- How do you recover from enlightenment? Well, maybe- That guy was out of control. He was a frothing, raging yoga monster. He achieved nirvana, or at least he could see it, and the very vision of it drove him mad, Miss Elizabeth, and that's what we're all after, isn't it? No, he's recovered. Okay, good.
00:11:41
Speaker
Can you believe this? He was utterly out of control, representing me legally, chewing up coffee tables, throwing himself through windows. Now he's all, at Kurtz Mason Law, we feel your pain. Let us help you get back on your feet again and punish those that hurt you. LOL, Mr. Suit and Tie. Dude, I remember when you were foaming at the mouth naked, chewing through the roof of a convertible driven by that dork who rode me a bad check that one time. Where's that guy?
00:12:08
Speaker
He recovered. That's my question, Miss Elizabeth. Where is that guy? He recovered. No more foaming. No more chewing on things. No more raging around. Well, I'm glad he's feeling better, because he's probably less of a risk to himself and others. It's a credit to Angel that he can keep on going, because what a disappointment. You thought you had a student with some promise. You thought he was getting somewhere. And then he turns your back on you, retreats to the cozy world of friends and family, and ignores yoga.
00:12:37
Speaker
What an outrageous thing to do to a yoga master. By the way, do we know his name or do we just call him yoga mutant lawyer? His name has not been communicated to me. Okay, well, maybe that's the next step. Mr. Disappointment, I would call him. Oh, that's not nice.
00:12:54
Speaker
So yeah, here's your yoga tip.
Lawyer's Transformation and Chaos
00:12:56
Speaker
Life changes. Trusted legal representation can go right off the frickin' rails. It's so sad. That guy had a future in front of him as a psychopathic yoga mutant. He was hilarious to be around and now he's on TV, Mr. Suit and Tie, telling the world how he'll get the money for their injuries. I saw that thing and I was totally what the eff. So yeah, wha-
00:13:17
Speaker
This is an urgent bulletin for the citizens of Smileton.
00:13:32
Speaker
And it's breaking big time. Witnesses are reporting that at this very moment three men dressed up as turkeys are doing donuts in Harvester Square in a car which is itself decorated to look like a turkey. Three turkeys inside a turkey. Feathers are everywhere. The gobbling is reportedly very, very loud and funny.
00:13:51
Speaker
This is an unexpected scene. Authorities reportedly did not have this scenario in their playbooks and are now scrambling. There are conflicting reports as to whether police are on their way to the scene or not. All I can tell you is that this is going down right here, right now, right in your backyard, Smilton.
00:14:10
Speaker
I don't know how you figure this is a news bulletin. You've got that tone of voice, but that's about it. This is a ridiculous set tableau that you're reporting on. Three turkeys inside another turkey. Four turkeys in total. I got it. Feathers everywhere. I heard you. A small crowd of bystanders is off to the side smiling and gently applauding the scene. Oh, as one does at a breaking news scene. You would definitely be happy and applauding. There is a scene of magic and delight that we citizens of Smileton truly appreciate about our town.
00:14:38
Speaker
It would be a shame, Jason, for anyone to miss this, so head on down to Harvest or Square to witness this breaking news with your own eyes. If anyone else has updates, please do keep this reporter informed. You know my cell number. You can text me now. We take you back to your regularly scheduled program.
00:14:56
Speaker
Oh, thanks for nothing, Miss Elizabeth. That was ridiculous. That's a misuse of the news bulletin service. Aren't you excited to go though? You're telling people something funny is happening in Harvester squares to go check it out? That's your news bulletin? Yeah. I'm not in the mood anymore. That's it for the yoga update. Angel, your words will have to wait. The mood's been shattered. I felt like we got through most of Angel anyway.
00:15:22
Speaker
Yeah, you weren't listening at all. No, we're good. OK, well, I'm foul now. So let's get my mood back on the road with some music. Right after this show, we will go down to Harvester Square and watch some turkeys. No, I missed Elizabeth. There's no way that's happening. It will lift your mood. It won't. What will lift my mood is some music. So let's reach over to the Smileton radio. And we're going to tune in a Smile Syndicate song by Hard Rock and Band. Here we go. The Streaking. Let's listen.
00:15:58
Speaker
Streeping away and then it's gone Sinking, feeling something's wrong What was that thing that you just saw? Isn't that against the law?
00:16:17
Speaker
Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
00:16:48
Speaker
But tonight's simply not What kind of food can climb around? When your pants are on the ground Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
00:17:18
Speaker
On to V! On to V! On to V! On to V! Your hand of truth can trust reveal And your own soul your mind can seal Now say goodbye to those who scoff Help me get those blue jeans off You'll streak a knee You'll see things you can't unsee You'll streak a knee
00:17:48
Speaker
When there's things that should not be. You're streaking in. Close your eyes and come to me. You're streaking in. All these windows running free.
00:18:10
Speaker
Streaking by the smile syndicate right here on hello smile to find more smile syndicate songs on all streaming platforms That guy just want to do the rest of the show. No. Well, I don't have to talk anymore pitching sometimes I know I'm good. I'm good now. Just see if you have another button to push I'm all ears to hear more from soundboard Sam. Okay
00:18:33
Speaker
Okay, nothing forthcoming, so let's keep going. Jason. Silence yourself. I'm gonna say the same thing to you as I said to the
Street Hockey Injuries and Antics
00:18:43
Speaker
audience. No more interruptions.
00:18:47
Speaker
Dear listener friend, I know you. You've been listening. For a good part of this show, you've been focused on it. You got distracted a couple of times. A little irksome, but you're back on the road now. You're a high roller. You like to bet on sporting events and rake in the big bucks. So you need as much information as you can to make sure your bets are on target. And one of the things you really love betting on is Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey. Oh, yeah.
00:19:16
Speaker
It's a rough and tumble league. So many teams, so many great players. The games are wild. What I've noticed though, Jason, is a lot of these guys are actually getting injured outside of hockey. They need to be a lot more self-preserving when they're going about their daily activities. Most injury reports, most athletes get injured doing the games. This is an injury, whether it happened at work on the street, when they're up to some tomfoolery on the weekend, we got to report it all in the Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report.
00:19:47
Speaker
First off, Wacky Zach Singh. He's a right wing for the Bubble Brains. Bubble Brains. Have we heard of them before? Yeah, yeah. They're one of these teams. You know, they came over these really fancy jerseys and they're so goofy. The Bubble Brains, they thought everybody was going to be laughing at them, but they were inept at the beginning. Now they're turning into something so they can ill afford to lose a winger like Wacky Zach Singh. All right.
00:20:09
Speaker
He fell asleep over the weekend while he was getting a new concrete pad poured for a new garage in his backyard. His cousins were doing that work. So he was asleep. So they decided to prank him. So they stuck his foot in the wet concrete and it dried. His foot is stuck in concrete now. So he went crazy. He's trying to pull his leg out. He sprained his knee in the frenzy. Now he's going to be out six to eight weeks. So thanks for nothing. Wacky Zach Sings, cousins.
00:20:36
Speaker
It would have been hilarious to see they got him out of there eventually, but not after he eliminated his ability to compete effectively for the bubble brains, at least for the foreseeable future. Yeah, I don't know how you stay asleep long enough for concrete to dry. I don't know. Who knows, Miss Elizabeth? I'm only reporting what I know. I think alcohol may have been involved. Most likely. Toni Blaze, she placed center for the hot mom cougar squat.
00:21:00
Speaker
She was at a Bachelorette over the weekend. She had a little too much wine and got a sprained neck after being thrown off a mechanical bowl. No, you shouldn't ride those bowls. No, it was, it was those, you know, the slow, sexy ride while she managed to injure herself anyway, because she was so wasted. Is there a slow, sexy setting? Oh, women get on mechanical at Bachelorettes. Are you crazy? They slow it down to like one quarter speed and they're like gyrating on this thing and everybody's hooting and all that. She still
00:21:41
Speaker
Okay. Okay.
00:21:46
Speaker
Well, it might be important though to start up a new relationship if, you know, that's the next step in your life. She's on a team called the Hot Mom Cougar Squad. I think there's a bunch of bad decisions that led to that. Okay.
00:21:57
Speaker
Malachi McGrath, defenseman for the Golden Cates Bible College, fractured a hip while trying to do a skateboard jump through a box car that was passing by in a moving train. My goodness, those guys are hardcore. You figured those guys would be on the straight and narrow. What a wacky stunt to be trying to pull. Jumping through a moving train on a skateboard. I think that they planned it. It's just that it didn't work out.
00:22:21
Speaker
No kidding it didn't work out, he got a sprained hip for his trouble. Fractured him. Again, are we prioritizing street hockey or are we not?
00:22:31
Speaker
Trace Hawthorne, goalie, pill-popping speed kids, he got hospitalized due to exhaustion after running 150 kilometers after the pill-popping speed kids played a double-header against the junk in the trunks last Friday night. Think of that. Two games in a row, you've got to be exhausted. Well, this pill-popping speed kid decided to do a 150K run right after that.
00:22:54
Speaker
What even is that? That's more than a marathon. A marathon's only 42k. It's approaching four marathons. Okay, so I think that this was too much to take on for one person. I don't know where the kid gets the energy. Maybe it was a marathon relay and he missed the memo. No, it was 150k. There was no organized event. He just started running.
00:23:12
Speaker
Okay, well maybe he's in trouble from maybe he's running from the law. Those pill popping speed kids are hopped up on something. I don't know what it is. Their frenetic play style tells the story. Oh, do you think he's actually on pills? And that's why. He's on a team called the pill popping speed kids. Okay, I didn't take that seriously. I thought that was just for fun. Have you seen them? They're like that. Even when the players are sitting on the bench, they're vibrating. Yeah, they are. They're whacked out, they're hopped up. So you think there's drugs? Running 150k, it's ridiculous. Do you think there's drugs involved? Wow.
00:23:40
Speaker
I know so, Miss Elizabeth. It's on their jerseys. Well, maybe they need to start drug testing at the community street hockey. No, we're not going to get into that. There's a lot of teams that would be starting to sweat if we start to introduce that concept. No, this mountain northside community street hockey league is the wild west, Miss Elizabeth. We're not introducing laws into that thing. All right.
00:23:57
Speaker
magic the lesser right wing for the D&D DM hustlers he was doing some kind of live-action role-playing thing and his group was getting attacked by a sea monster or something and he ran straight into a tree broke his face he's out until April at least
00:24:13
Speaker
Well, just because you're being attacked by a sea monster in a role-playing doesn't mean you need to run into a tree. That was scared, Miss Elizabeth. Those things don't... That doesn't compare. He takes larping very seriously. Oh, it was a larping situation. Live-action role-playing. It was live-action role-playing? Yeah, some guy with a garbage can shield and a bucket on his head said, run, there's a sea monster coming. And he went straight into a tree and broke his face.
00:24:37
Speaker
Again, where's the priority of street hockey? Why are you out larping? You should be shooting a tennis ball at a garage door to get some practice. Safety first. Well, that's the Smilton Community Northside Community Street Hockey League injury report, like a lot of behavior that is questionable. The priority is a muck here. That's good reporting for injuries, but also just some warnings for what not to do in our own lives.
00:25:03
Speaker
Sure enough. You'll learn a lot about life, whether you want to or not to your listener friend listening to this show. Speaking of which, speaking of learning about life and speaking about having your priorities in order.
New Year's Resolutions and Reflections
00:25:13
Speaker
And betterment, personal betterment. We're getting into the year. Self-improvement. The new year is over. But we made a bunch of resolutions that we have to stay on top of. Because we're still in the new year.
00:25:25
Speaker
The whole year is in New Year because we don't even know what's coming. So we've got to commit resolutions at the beginning of the year and see them through. This is the only show where we actually say the phrase New Year's resolution after like January 10th. Yeah, everybody forgets about it after January. Miss Elizabeth and I keep each other honest throughout the entire year in New Year's resolution update. So Miss Elizabeth, you ask me about mine, I'll ask you about yours, and the tears and recriminations will follow.
00:25:54
Speaker
Okay. I'll start off. You can't. So this is the resolution that I'm asking you about, and I feel foolish even reading these words. Don't be insulting. These are my resolutions. You can't smile too much, but it's always good to try. Light the day up with that smile, girl. Yeah. I'm resolved, and I'm still... Holy... I remain resolved. Just smile.
00:26:16
Speaker
You're smiling right now. The more you smile, yes, it can start to be tiring, but just like any other muscle, your smile muscle also gets better and better over time. Oh, really? It does. It gets stronger with use. Stronger with use. Well, I don't want to tire you. I don't want you tiring yourself out, Ms. Lisbeth, by smiling. Oh, my goodness. You could lie in bed, barely awake, and smile a day away. And consider that a green check mark for that resolution?
00:26:40
Speaker
I do put a mockery, a big green checkmark and it's not a mockery. How about yours? They always say you got to run till you puke or lift till you puke. I'm not puking enough lately. So fix that. That's your resolution. You're not. You want to puke more. Essentially. Can't say it any planer than that. I haven't been going with the requisite level of intensity lately. You have. I'm a little bit ashamed of it.
00:27:02
Speaker
No, you haven't. I haven't even puked once this week. But you've been running? Yeah, but not hard enough to puke. Well, I'm glad. I should be puking like seven minutes in and then just wiping the vomit off my face and just keep going until I got nothing left in the stomach to throw up. Oh, I'm glad you're not puking. But you have been running, so that's good.
00:27:24
Speaker
Yeah, Miss Elizabeth, I'm sticking to my resolutions. I just haven't been running hard enough. I haven't been hitting the stairs hard enough. I haven't been doing that rowing machine hard enough. I haven't been trying to scuttle up the side of a building hard enough. No puking going on in those activities and that's got to change. Well, I'm committing to the rem redoubling my commitment to that resolution. Well, I give you permission not to puke. Here's your next one. Prepare a manuscript from my letters with my pen pal and get them published. Yeah, my pen pal, Penny.
00:27:54
Speaker
Penny the pen pal. Did you get a list of people and you picked it because of her name? I wouldn't put it past you. Her name is Penelope. She goes by Penny. Got it. Yeah. But you just love saying Penny the pen pal. Yeah, I do like saying that. I got to tell you something. Penny the pen pal wrote me, which is an odd thing to say. Yeah. So you think the scribblings of you and your pen pal are worthy of our attention?
00:28:20
Speaker
Uh, yeah, they're very interesting and they form up a manuscript. So yeah, I'm working on that. Is the book called letters from a nut? No. Letters from Penny. I'm pleased with myself for that one, Miss Linda. I can tell. Are you pleased with yourself for this one? Okay. Do something that's so cool. It makes someone else start slow clapping and saying bravo. And they're totally not sarcastic.
00:28:48
Speaker
Yeah. Talk about ambitious. Talk about vague. How do you even do that? Fake? Vague. Oh, vague. Yeah.
00:28:56
Speaker
vague you're just saying i think you said ambitious wrong i said vague why is that vague you got to do something that people like that that gesture slow clapping and saying bravo boy that's in sarcasm's clutches how do you get somebody to do that and be completely earnest about it i don't think it's possible because i think it's just something you saw on tv once
00:29:20
Speaker
I don't care where it comes from. I'm looking to rescue that gesture by doing something so cool. And it's like, bravo. You're even being sarcastic right there. That's what I want to see. Didn't you see the earnest expression on my countenance? You just like were earnest. You kind of puckered your lips out a little bit with that earnestness.
00:29:44
Speaker
This mockery does not help me. We're supposed to be supporting each other with ease. I think you should do cool things, but I think that you should take whatever form of congratulations come your way. I think you should accept them with gratitude.
00:30:03
Speaker
It's got to be up to the level. I'm going to perform an act that needs the commensurate response. It's just physics, Miss Elizabeth. The physics of manners. Don't chase a slow clap. That's all I'm saying. I'm chasing it. Here's yours. More potlucks, more often. That's it. That's the tweet. That's right. Or ex-post, I guess.
00:30:27
Speaker
Yeah, I don't even wanna. Miss Elizabeth, you disqualify that from consideration by the flippin' way in which you communicated it. Why?
00:30:35
Speaker
What do you mean more potlucks more often? Do more potlucks more often. Okay, that's a problem. And then doing a mic drop after that's some kind of big revelation when you shouldn't be looking to do that and no one around you wants it. I can explain. People do want it. They like to get together. They like to cook food. They like to bring food. They like to eat food. Do it more often. Everybody will be happier. It's like a community development project.
00:30:59
Speaker
Nobody's looking for potluck. Everybody's looking to like, what can I just bring a bag of chips or some pop? I'm not looking to bake stuff. I'm not. And then there's already, there's always somebody running around organizing it and telling you where to put it on the table. That's me. Okay, Jason, you know, there are other people in the world besides people just like yourself. There's other people who like to cook. There are people who know what's going on and people who need help. I agree with you.
00:31:23
Speaker
And that's a little direction where I'm going to say abandon that resolution. All right. Make 2024 the year of the Smilton Betterment Society. That's right. Fix this town whether people like it or not. Get off your lazy ass. That's right. You read that properly, Ms. Elizabeth. Kudos. Emphasizing because that's what it's in capital letters. That's how it looks on the paper. Yeah. Sometimes you've got to crack the whip on yourself.
00:31:49
Speaker
And I listened back to a recent show and I was complaining about the lack of support for the Smile and Betterment Society and I decided it's on the one hand people not given enough of a dam but maybe it's because of their lackluster wit or maybe it's because I'm not working hard enough.
00:32:05
Speaker
You're insulting people while you're asking them to join your club. They're not doing anything for me right now. I think that's strike one. I think I've got to crack the whip on myself and say, work harder. And number two, turn that whip upon my neighbors and get them moving too. Because we've got a town to save here, and it's not going to save itself. If you start whipping people, they're going to run away from you, not towards you. I'm just trying to give you some tips here. Well, that's an attitude that needs correcting. And of course, I'm not talking about physical assault upon my neighbors. I'm talking about getting in their grill.
00:32:32
Speaker
uh saying some uncomfortable truths maybe dropping a truth bomb or two on their cozy little bungalow and then maybe we'll see some action here oh my goodness okay that's the new year's resolution update okay it makes me grumpy finishing that thing because that's like so much work to do and i have so little energy these days because this show is back breaking enough to do on its own besides saving a town
00:32:59
Speaker
You are in fine form today. Why is this, Elizabeth? The spirit is telling me that I have not been doing my duty enough. It's a spirit of saving this town, the spirit of adventure, the spirit of yoga wisdom. They're all, it's a chorus telling me to work harder. And that's what's going to happen. And I'm going to need fuel to do that. So we got to play some music. Play that funky music.
00:33:28
Speaker
I just so like I I turned a pretty little corner there like I was down but then I thought I'm summoning the forces and I'm gonna unleash the storm on this town to lay a song already let's go
00:33:56
Speaker
Across the ocean, on an airplane Do you believe your eyes? A blinding flash, on the horizon Is blowing up the sky Missiles do your vision Spaces twist around Hurts all through a portal What is the space you found?
00:34:35
Speaker
Ireland and Rome Shakespeare, Newton, and many more besides Yes, it's them, go say hello To the Bermuda Triangles The freighter's steaming through the darkness By daybreak they'll make land
00:35:01
Speaker
now the waves are getting angry stirred by unknown land captured by the whirlpool a boat is spinning round been like a giant bathtub
00:35:35
Speaker
Chase your new turn and many more recite Yes, assemble, say hello
00:36:34
Speaker
A locomotive to break them wonders why The tracks are bent and pointing upward straight into the sky Crossing on a cloud bridge of mighty tunnel looms Is this the final station where we will meet our doom?
Conclusion and Future Promises
00:37:12
Speaker
Shakes be a newton and many more resides Yes it's them, go say hello to the Bermuda
00:37:51
Speaker
over muta by the smile syndicate right here on hella smileton the introduction to that song was rudely interrupted and i've been sitting here fuming ever since but why the song was amazing it should have totally shaken you out of your grump yeah it didn't at all yeah well we got work to do i love that song by the way it's so energetic and also imaginative it just makes me think like what's what's out there what's available for us today well
00:38:15
Speaker
Good, because that's what it was supposed to do. That's what it did. OK, well, good. Mission accomplished. Did you write that song all on your own? I did. All that stuff was me, except for the thing that sounded like you, which was you. Yeah. And you can find more songs on all streaming platforms. Go to it. It's the end of the show. It's OK to turn your attention to something else to your listener friend. But you've got to make sure you're back here with us next week for another all new episode of Hello, Smilton. Miss Elizabeth will be right back here. Kate Brennan dancing for you once again. If you had fun this time.
00:38:42
Speaker
You're gonna have fun even more fun next week And if you didn't have fun this time give your head a shake because this show was awesome. It was Unfortunately, this one's done, but it's been fun. So miss Elizabeth
00:38:54
Speaker
Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smilesons. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smilesons, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember friends, the sun is the jukebox.