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Way Too Much Sky Here, Man
50 Plays1 year ago
Blasts from the past are upon you in this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth are present and accounted for and are focused on delivering comedy and original music fun in a particularly robust manner.
The vast archives of this show (and it's prevision incarnation The Smile Syndicate Music Hour) contain riches and two classic segments are revisited with enthusiasm.
A classic DEATH METAL UPDATE presents the latest news and views from the off-kilter world of Death Metal and voicemails from Smileton's leading Death Metal visionary Jorg Flurnstadt punctuate that frothy mix.
The very first SMILETON NEWS ever broadcast is presented once again and features a particularly thrilling traffic report from Smileton's own Scott Skyman.
Two songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE bring home the fact that for power-packed entertainment, you'll search in vain forever for a better source than this show.
HELLO, SMILETON. You Won't Believe A Single One Of Your Senses.
Show Timestamps:
3:00 Death Metal Update (with Jorg Voicemails) (from October 31, 2019)
23:37 SONG – I'm Gonna Hover
27:35 Smileton News (from July 29, 2019)
47:56 SONG - Goldfinger
Recommended
Transcript
Welcome to Smileton - The Podcasting Capital
00:00:04
Speaker
Hello, Smileton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, which is the podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, excitement, drama, suspense.
00:00:22
Speaker
I hope some of those elements are part of today's show. I think they might be. Well, it's going to be an explosive, combustible fusion of entertainment today. I can tell already. Wow. I am revved up today. I don't even know why I'm so happy to be here. Usually I'm not Miss Lisbon. I often have to drag my carcass into the confines of Smile Syndicate Studio, a Smile Syndicate HQ.
00:00:44
Speaker
and it's a fight to the finish to get over the finish line with this show. It's almost like you've had like a hot pepper or something and it's really got you going. I missed list with that. I decided to just attack this show with ferocity because the odds are stacked against me being successful. First things first, dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today.
00:01:07
Speaker
your entertainment time is precious and the fact that you've chosen to spend some of it with us today speaks volumes about the quality and impact of this show.
Studio Audience Antics
00:01:17
Speaker
Yeah, we appreciate you so very much and we hope to not waste a single moment of your time and just provide complete entertainment the whole time through. And if only everyone here at Smile Syndicate HQ was part of that mission but I'm going to cast my eyes up at the
00:01:36
Speaker
The chattering giggling ne'er-do-wells in the studio audience, which you just heard from. They're having fun. Off-putting as that is. They're having fun. Oh yeah, I know they are, Miss Elizabeth. If you look at the front row, there's four or five of them sitting there. They're super fans.
00:01:52
Speaker
I think they might be a group. I think they know each other. They're horrible. They're all dressed up. They all have face paint on. They all have like some LED laden outfits. They're super fans. Yeah. They're off-putting is what they are. I think what they do is they go to brunch and then they come and watch our show. Yeah. And they go to some tasty meal afterwards. Job well done. Good game, everybody. Meanwhile, I'm here to pick up the wreckage and somehow salvage this content into some kind of show.
00:02:20
Speaker
I do not understand why you're angry. We have super fans. They bring the wrong kind of energy, Miss Elizabeth. It's all about them. They want attention.
Show's Rich History
00:02:29
Speaker
Our studio audience is distracted enough. They barely pay attention to what's going on down here. They don't need clowns capering up there. I disagree. I think the more fun, the better for everyone.
00:02:40
Speaker
It's a zero sum game when it comes to fun. The more fun that's going up down there, more fun going on up there means less fun down here. Sadly, the way it is. So I guess they're just sapping your energy right now. So we better get to it. They're vampires. Yeah, exactly. You can see the problems, the challenges, but we're going to meet them. OK.
00:03:00
Speaker
Dear listener friend, this show has been going for a long, long time, either in its current incarnation as Hello Smilton or as the previously titled the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. We have hundreds of episodes in that archive and every so often we like to pull a couple classic bits out and dust them off and bring them into the light of day again. Informative segments.
00:03:23
Speaker
Entertaining, informative, life-changing. We got a couple more of those coming right at you.
Introducing Jorg and His Voicemails
00:03:28
Speaker
And sometimes we like to pick them at random. They're all good. Sometimes we like to just, well, that was a dynamite segment that needs another airing. And sometimes we like to select a theme. We have a theme this time. Is it a theme? Okay.
00:03:42
Speaker
Often this show is my voice and your voice, but we have a couple segments in the archive that we want to bring back that are examples of a third voice appearing on the show. It's neither of us, someone from Smileton. You're right. So we each picked one. So Miss Lisbeth, you're going first. Yeah, okay. So I think it's always good. It's always a good time when my friend Jorg calls into the show.
00:04:06
Speaker
He's not exactly your friend, Yorick. He's more like your nemesis, Yorick. He's one of my many nemesis in this town. But I picked this classic death metal update where we played voicemails from Smilton's death metal entrepreneur visionary, Cyr Sage Shaman, Yorick Flarnstadt.
00:04:25
Speaker
Did he give you that list to read of how to describe himself? No, it developed over time. That just flowed out of your brain, that crazy quote of words. That's kind of like his official title.
00:04:39
Speaker
Oh, official. It's official. Yeah. Again, you need more supervision when it comes to... He's a certified shaman. Certified shaman. Yeah. Okay, so this originally aired as part of the Smile Syndicate Music Hour, October 31st, 2019, which was episode 70, way back into the archives, was entitled, Hello Fun Halloween, Spec-Bloodular Party 2019. It was a great show in total, actually. Let's listen.
00:05:08
Speaker
something i i really don't understand why we do it even on this most hallowed of hallowed hallows all hallows eves we're doing the death metal update it's not anything to do with smileton or the smile syndicate miss elizabeth loves doing it and um i just hope there's nothing to do with uh
00:05:26
Speaker
Jorg in the death metal up. Well, they're 100 in the pregame show. Miss Elizabeth was saying that there was going to be some your content. She was bargaining with him negotiating. I told her to push a bus ticket across the table. Tell your to hit the bricks. I think that actually did happen. He took a bus tour, but he's and yet he's still contributing to the show. If you want to explain that paradox to me, I'm all yours right now.
00:05:48
Speaker
Sure. Well, Jorg has been using our podcast phone line and message machine. He's he's the one who's been filling up the answering machine. Yeah. So we have messages from Jorg that I would love to play you a few of them and he did consent. OK. That would be just fine. OK, well, good, because nothing would be a clearer window into the crazed working inner workings of that fever brain.
00:06:13
Speaker
than to hear him rambling for a little bit. So actually I'm in favor of this. He's neither crazy nor a few words. No, well, I think, well, let's take a listen. He's quite relaxed and he's very, he makes a lot of sense. Okay, fine. Let's let our dear listener friend decide for themselves. Sure. So let's, do you have them queued up? Are you ready to go here? I'm all ready. All right. On the magic board of sound effect mysteries and Miss Elizabeth is always plucking away at like a toy piano.
00:06:40
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Let's take a listen to some rambling nonsense from York. Hey, Ms. Elizabeth, it's York. Just calling to remind you that the Halloween episode of York presents the ultimate death metal hour featuring York Flernstadt is on Thursday. So wear something spooky. All right. Got to go. Ciao.
00:07:06
Speaker
Well, yeah, that's a good one to pick. We learned a lot from there. I don't know why Jorg just couldn't text you. He's dropped. Everybody, you know what, everybody's doing a Halloween episode and he wanted me to wear something spooky. So I'm going to have my, yep, costume ready. He conducts all his business over the answering machine, I guess. Not all of it, but a lot of useful stuff comes over. Is that it? Nope. Here's the next one. Hey guys, it's Jorg.
00:07:35
Speaker
This message is for Miss Elizabeth. Could you please bring your tambourine to the podcast recording on Friday? I got an idea I want to try something new. All right. Gotta go. Ciao. Hey, Miss Elizabeth. Yorg again. I talked to Christoph about the tambourine thing, and he pretty much vetoed it. So leave the tambourine at home. Gotta go. Ciao.
00:08:06
Speaker
So this is just an example of how Jorg is very creative and always thinking of new things spontaneously, and how he's still a good team player, though. I think that's just a telling tale of that team's dysfunction over there. The people that are kiboshing each other's creative ideas, putting the veto on it. Who empowered Kristoff? He's a blockhead! He's a dunce! Why is he vetoing anything? Well...
00:08:29
Speaker
Jeepers somebody has to be in charge. So I think we're starting to get an idea of the madness over there I don't know why you do that show. It's yeah, I think I think when you start getting a little loopy on this show, it's because of them It's a great group of guys. Well, that was a good segment. I'm glad we're done. So okay. Here's another one. Oh Hey, miss Elizabeth York here. Have you seen my juggling balls? I was just in the mood to juggle a little and I can't find them
00:08:57
Speaker
Let me know if you left them in your car or anything. Gotta go.
Death Metal Festival in Smileton
00:09:01
Speaker
Ciao. Okay, I don't... Who cares about the juggling balls? So this one's interesting. I actually do have the juggling balls. They had a little mishap involving Mr. Cherry's as well as Bird. They all got chewed up. I had to... Well, they landed in something and then Bird was very excited about the situation.
00:09:26
Speaker
Anyway, so one of them needs to be replaced and then the rest of them just needs to be properly cleaned. And so, yeah, I do have your balls and I will return them. Give Jorgus balls back. His juggling ball. Did you record a message back to him? That's how you communicate is over the answer machine. I think I just did. Okay. Oh, great. Beep. Put that on the front of it. Okay. That's got to be it. That's it for now. Oh.
00:09:52
Speaker
for now. Oh, and we get to go right on into the next fun segment. I'm ready for the death metal update if you are. Oh, great. I'm always ready. Smileton schools will be able to deliver a little bit more wisdom to their eager students. Count Philippia, world famous guitarist for the death metal legends Slime Bride and Smileton's newest resident, will be kicking off a death metal for kids program at local Smileton schools.
00:10:16
Speaker
Boys and girls in grades four through six will go through a death metal boot camp in which they will learn the basics of death metal guitar, playing, drumming, singing, and songwriting. The Count himself is excited for the program to begin. He says, these little grave burglars are in for a treat.
00:10:34
Speaker
We're going to form bands and learn slime bride classics such as Insane Maggots and Lovestruck Corpse. I hope that children come away from the program with all the tools they need to start their own bands. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the children are our future. Yeah, that's some way to treat the kids, pulling them away from their math and English studies and making them sing like Cookie Monster.
00:10:59
Speaker
I'm in front of a somewhat unstable death metal guitar player. Well, I feel that the arts are important to an education. Yeah. So why are we polluting these kids with something that isn't the arts? Well, I mean, I think that it is. Well, again, I think this constant exposure to death metal through York's podcast is numbing your brain, numbing your faculties and numbing your sense of right and wrong. Thanks for your opinion.
00:11:27
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, as dismissive as ever of any anti-death metal opining, it is appalling. With Old Man Winter. You want a five-year-old singing a song called Love-Struck Corpse. I mean, it's pretty cute. Oh, yeah.
00:11:44
Speaker
okay with old man winter gently wrapping at the door you might think it's too early to start planning for summer but when next summer involves a death metal festival hosted in smileton i think it'd be wise to mark your calendars now york florin stat gave a press conference it's the york show it's not even halloween spec bloodular it's the york florin stat
00:12:07
Speaker
in which he announced ambitious plans for Smilton to host the largest death metal festival ever held this side of Hades. Says the local death metal expert and visionary, I have never been so tickled. I've never been so engaged on a task. I tell you what, Smilton, this is going to be the most ambitious, amazing thing you've ever seen. Top level talent, top level spectacle. Give me two weeks in, this is a long quote.
00:12:36
Speaker
Give me two weeks in July and I'll change this town forever. Wait a minute. Okay, keep going, but I have a little sticky. I'm holding up here. I know. We gotta come back to this point. I know. What does July mean to smile syndicate fans? Okay, we'll get back to that.
00:12:51
Speaker
Mayor Patty Pepper, who also addressed the press, gave her enthusiastic endorsement. Smileton is, she says, Smileton is quietly building the reputation for being the best festival town in the world. Death Metal fans around the globe are going to learn exactly where Smileton is. I couldn't be more proud of our town. I may just have to create a Citizen of the Year award for Mr. Flernstadt. How does that sound, Jorg?
00:13:20
Speaker
Sounds like July 2020 means we'd all better plan on being in, Smileton. Yeah, because there is no other plans for July 2020, maybe Summer Commotion 2020, a special feature of this podcast. It features us flying around the globe everywhere except Smileton. Now what? You got to stay here for the stupid festival? No, no. Reckon the town? What if we wanted to invite some of our friends to come with us on the next Smile Summer Commotion? We'll do Summer Commotion.
00:13:46
Speaker
We're not moving it to accommodate this crazy festival. You're taking me to Italy, aren't you? No, that's still on the drawing board, the plans. I think they don't get much sun down there. I think we need to come up with a sunnier place. Quiet.
00:14:03
Speaker
I guess we'll discuss this all the year. The cat's out of the bag. Don't wreck the surprise in July. Okay. I've got a feeling this festival is going to be a major thorn in this podcast. So this is the death metal update, but I do understand that you are not happy with the story that I just read. Maybe you'll enjoy the next one. Okay.
00:14:24
Speaker
with the Death Metal update. Detroit's best-known Death Metal band Lazy and Tumor had a series of mishaps at a recent concert in Hartford that had some fans chuckling and other fans enraged. The seven-piece ensemble was performing its concept album Ludwig X, an epic tale of a guts-crazed man-monster with x-ray vision when guitarist Intestino fell off the stage.
00:14:54
Speaker
He landed hard on his guitar, breaking it and both his hips. Whoops. Calls for help went unheard as the band pummeled on. During the next song, another guitarist, Dr. Evan Torso, and the bass player, Incineroebis, also tumbled off the stage. Wow. It's almost like the stage is tilted. It's covered with banana peels.
00:15:30
Speaker
to get some of that. No. Drummer Oxbrains. Keep going. Drummer Oxbrains. Oxbrains came out from behind his kit to check on his fallen comrades and also plunged into the abyss. Oh they're having no luck at all.
00:15:55
Speaker
Singer, this story gets better and better, singer Lord Epifio ordered the two remaining guitarists to play on. Midway through the next song, guitarist Barry Sanders fell off the stage while performing a cartwheel. He was just tempting fate by that point.
00:16:12
Speaker
twin brother and solo remaining guitarist Gary Sanders, seeing the writing on the wall, dove off the stage willingly on purpose. You would at that point. Crazy. As the six injured members writhed on the concrete below, Lord Epifio stubbornly carried on. Some of the crowd thought this was amusing, but most were enraged and began loudly demanding their money back.
00:16:36
Speaker
Epipheo launched an angry tirade directed at the audience. He, too, soon tumbled off, leaving the stage empty. That sounds like quite a sh- The remaining crowd sarcastically began chanting for an encore while ambulance crews arrived to deal with the injuries. The remainder of Lazy and Tumor's tour is currently on hold. Wow, that sounds like probably the best death metal concert ever.
00:17:04
Speaker
I apologize for laughing so hard at that. I wouldn't have believed my eyes if those guys pitching over the edge of the abyss one after the other. That was amazing. Seven guys bit the dust that night, and it's not on YouTube. I kind of had an inkling you might be doing a story about these guys, so I looked nothing. So I don't know what they have. Well, they've been aggressively taking it down. There's the other scrubbers. Yeah.
00:17:26
Speaker
Well, maybe 10 to your stage craft a little better. Scrap the stage. Yeah, exactly. Worried less about YouTube. If nothing else, YouTube has been instrumental in encouraging teens to come up with unique and exciting ways to entertain us all. Five enterprising smiles and teens have come up with a surefire way to go viral.
00:17:51
Speaker
They say, we're going to listen to Death Metal for 1000 hours straight and stream the whole thing, said Tyler Crimchin, one of the teens. This is going to be great. A couple of us had jobs at fast food places, but we told our bosses to go F themselves.
New Death Metal Releases
00:18:08
Speaker
Once we- That's a pretty good idea. Once we go viral, the ad revenue means that we'll be able to retire pretty much just from this one thing. I don't think you're ever too young to start burning your bridges.
00:18:19
Speaker
We're gonna order pizza in and my buddy has a case of Mountain Dew. So we should be set for the long haul. This is gonna be great. Check us out on YouTube. Look for Smileton Studs 4DM and subscribe. And sit back. 1000 hours is gonna be a long time. So these nitwits are gonna just be sitting on a couch for a thousand hours and they want us to tune in to listen. Yeah.
00:18:42
Speaker
with the audio apparently on. Wow. Just death metal. I'm not sure if they've thought about the rights implications here. I think they're going to shut down pretty quick. I think once they get past the 24 hour mark, they're going to start acting weird. I think if be staying up for a thousand hours straight probably isn't a good idea. I think somebody's going to cut power to their house and they just will stop streaming. No, I think they probably thought of that.
00:19:06
Speaker
i'm sure they have all kinds of backup generators they're not gonna let their kids know this isn't gonna go yeah this isn't gonna go longer than i might be walking i'm gonna say not longer than one day okay well i would watch to see what's gonna happen because i don't think it's gonna end you're not watching 1000 hours have you divided they're not gonna make it they're not gonna make a thousand yeah they're not they're not do you want to hear about the new releases oh why not all right a grave ruled by devils is putting out surf and jamboree
00:19:34
Speaker
Oh, you're pranking me now. No, no, sir. These are real. They're, they're death metal. You're, you're, you're busily reading out new death metal albums, every death metal update. They're a bunch of country albums sounding one time and then it was kids albums last time. Now they're doing surf music. Yeah. It's like genre crossing over, you know? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's concepts. Okay. Corpse party has out. Oh, yee surf and waves carry me home. Yep. Yep. Well, I'll go buy that one.
00:19:59
Speaker
might as well cannibal chance has my lady death serf yep yep that sounds terrific don't worry we already have a copy of that one oh good no blind item this time sorry yeah about that but that was a good wrap up we do have more from mild since resident death metal expert york florin stat i don't want to hear any more take it away york hey miss elizabeth this is york
00:20:30
Speaker
I was just thinking about porcupines. How weird they are. Just little rodents covered in spines. Who came up with that? Gotta go. Ciao.
00:20:46
Speaker
Okay. You're just playing as ramblings now. He, why did he even say that out loud? That's a cool idea. He was inspired to pick up. You know, I gotta, I had a really insightful thought about porcupines. I got to call miss Elizabeth, change your number, change this, change that, change our answering machine. He's an artist. I'm going to smash that thing. Hi, miss Elizabeth. Sometimes you just got to laugh. I don't know about people sometimes, you know, they're just kind of funny sometimes. I don't know.
00:21:16
Speaker
Just riffin'. I should save this for the next episode of the podcast. Gotta go. Ciao. Yup, that's the kind of stuff he gets up to on the podcast. He's a giver. Oh, yeah, he's giving me a headache. They're telling me there's no more of these. One more. I can honestly say I've never had better than Kristoff's macaroni and cheese. None better. Gotta go. Ciao.
00:21:47
Speaker
Wow, yeah. I tried some of Kristoff's macaroni. It was pretty good. Yeah.
00:21:52
Speaker
Not as good as KD, but he's got a secret. He's got a secret ingredient. Well, that's enough death metal for 40 episodes. I think it's good to be through it. It's Halloween and everything. We're all scared. We're all spookified, but we got to move on to something unwanted intrusions here on Hello
Local News with a Twist
00:22:09
Speaker
Smiles. That was amazing. Oh, yes. I'm sure we're going to hear from Jorg again. This doesn't seem to be a way to avoid it. And dear listener friend,
00:22:18
Speaker
Why would you want to avoid it? That was amazing. I was so naive back then. I thought I had a fighting chance against death metal, but little did I know that that death metal festival was just the beginning. And then it would repeat itself summer after summer and there'd be death metal condos and there'd be death metal businesses and these millions of Nerdy Wells that come flying in every year. Some of them stick around. The battle was just beginning there and I didn't realize how far behind the eight ball with a death metal eight ball this town would be.
00:22:47
Speaker
Well, I don't consider them to be ne'er-do-wells, but death metal sure is a cornerstone of Smiles in. Yeah. I got work to do. Culturally. This town isn't going to clean itself up. Culturally. I got to get a shovel out and just start digging through the muck. I can't wait for the snow to go away so that I can start wearing my death metal clogs again at spring. It's a little too cold in the winter, but you can wear them around the house.
00:23:11
Speaker
You want to find something useful to do with those death metal clogs? Throw them on the fire. No. I'm going to reach for the Smileton radio. We got to tune some music in here, ladies and gentlemen. We got to tune some music in here, dear listener friend, because I want a painful segment to live through once again. We got to unsour the mood with a classic track by the Smile Syndicate, my hard rocking band. How about, I'm going to hover? Listen.
00:24:01
Speaker
Down the stairs The old house isn't late The unicycles hit the ditch
00:24:39
Speaker
or scuba. All dead balloons are lost in space. Head first into the tuba. Clouds are coming. Clouds are going.
00:25:10
Speaker
I'm gonna hover I'm gonna hover I'm gonna hover
00:25:41
Speaker
clouds are coming clouds are going ain't gonna run ain't gonna hide I'm gonna hover I'm gonna hover I'm gonna hover
00:26:38
Speaker
I'm gonna hover by the smile syndicate right here on Hello Smiles and yeah delightful synthesized madness Miss Elizabeth and you're working on some new songs I am yeah I told you was it last week yeah that there are new songs percolating and that I might have a co-writer on those songs and it might be a certain Lance Brock the reigning king of rock music in our town you want to talk about sages he's a rock and roll sage okay
00:27:06
Speaker
There's no disputing his commitment to rock, his hatred of loserdom and poserdom and loserposerdom, and his willingness to open his soul to the messages from Rock Mount Olympus and become the prophet, their prophet on earth. Do you have a few titles? One marvels at the commitment. You have a few titles in the works. That's what you're trying to get around. And some other stuff too. So more good stuff coming.
00:27:34
Speaker
Well, we're going to go even further back into the past with this next one. All right. And it was the very first smile to news. And we got to get a little bit serious with this one, Miss Elizabeth, because we had a friend of ours named Darren who voiced the character of Scott Skyman. Scott Skyman.
00:27:54
Speaker
the trusty helicopter reporter who you're going to hear from in this segment. Well, unfortunately, Darren passed away over the Christmas break. He did. We're sad about it, but we want to remember good times and bring the segment back. So, dear listener friend, pay attention. Get ready to laugh as the very first Smileton News ever to air takes flight once again. Then we miss you,
Scott Skyman's Helicopter Traffic Report
00:28:20
Speaker
Darren.
00:28:20
Speaker
thing about this town is that it's very poorly served by its news broadcasts.
00:28:24
Speaker
yeah so not because of government interference or a sinister conspiracy of shadowy titans of industry no their shows just stink well i think i think that we we think that they just need a little bit of help well i don't think they've the people presenting these programs have ever seen a real news show before uh the local news here is hilarious to watch but if you're looking for real news you're out of luck so we're stepping up and today we're very proud to present
00:28:53
Speaker
Smileton News with Miss Elizabeth. Good evening, Smileton. Let's talk about some news. Mayor Patti Pepper held a press conference today to field questions about recent firing of town manager Horace Dooley. During her opening remarks, a nude and agitated Dooley parachuted onto the scene, sending reporters scrambling.
00:29:15
Speaker
Jumping up and down, Dooley shouted that he was a patsy before being subdued by Smilton police. Dooley had recently been let go from his position due to financial shenanigans and fiscal buffoonery. Mayor Pepper later quipped, I thank Mr. Dooley for ably demonstrating why his parting ways with the town was necessary. I prefer to see my nude men jumping up and down on the stage.
00:29:38
Speaker
at one of our town's many burlesque palaces. I don't need to see that during a press conference or in a boardroom during a budget meeting.
00:29:46
Speaker
This reporter agrees with Mayor Pepper. Well, leave it to Mayor Patty Pepper to turn a news story the town's been buzzing about into something about her, her preferences for watching male strippers jumping up and down. She wants to watch them in a burlesque palace, not in City Hall. Thanks for the 411, Mayor. That's a real hard-hitting issue that the town really needed your clarification on. I would like to have more details about what Dooley's fiscal buffoonery was about.
00:30:16
Speaker
Sounds like he was ripping the town off. Yeah, those details are forthcoming. I think she was just saying, you know, there's a time and a place for everything. Okay. Okay. Well, was that a story about fiscal irresponsibility or about male strippers?
00:30:27
Speaker
Well, maybe we just hadn't got to. I guess Dooley didn't help his cause by showing up naked and jumping around. Well, exactly. That becomes the story. I guess you're right. Yeah. That's why you're the news reporter. That's right. Anything else happen in this fair town of ours today? Indeed. Traffic was snarled on Pepper Memorial Drive this morning as a truck hauling peanut butter collided with another truck hauling jam coming the other way.
00:30:50
Speaker
Well, that sounds like a combination. That's right, my friends. The result was PB and J. But in these two drivers' cases, PB and J means possibly broken jaws. What happened to the end? Both drivers sustained injuries and were taken to the hospital. Police had to clear curiosity secrets from the scene, as many people showed up with bags of bread, hoping to score some free sandwiches.
00:31:18
Speaker
Look, that makes, wow, these crazy people. The broken glass everywhere meant that instead of a nice treat, many residents ended up with cut feet. Whoops. Injuries were treated at the scene. Well, I like when these trucks, that seems to happen all the time here. Food of all kinds of, all, all matters of description end up on the road here in Smilaton. People think they just do their grocery shopping, like out on Main Street.
00:31:44
Speaker
It's crazy. Have there been other accidents like that? A watermelon truck crashed into like a tortilla truck. Margarita truck? Yeah, it was not useful. It was just a bunch of soggy tortillas everywhere. No one had any fun.
00:32:00
Speaker
Yeah. It was no good. So this keeps happening. I think we got to address it. I think Mayor Pepper, the blame's got to be on her. Once again, this road system is antiquated. We have these huge trucks bringing all kinds of food through town. They keep crashing into each other. Well, let's get serious here. PB&J sounds like a fun accident, but a possibly broken jaw has no laughing matter, especially with a broken jaw. You're not laughing at anything. No, but I think that the voters in general aren't really complaining too hard because they're too busy eating their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. No, with glass in it. Yuck.
00:32:29
Speaker
Well, speaking of traffic, let's turn now to something really exciting. For the first time, we're able to bring you an up to the second traffic report, courtesy of our eye in the sky, Scott Skyman in the Smileton One traffic helicopter. There we go. Scott, we're really excited to have you delivering the live traffic updates on the podcast. This is going to be terrific. So how's that whirly bird treating you so far?
00:32:57
Speaker
Well, we've just taken off and we're climbing steadily. You should be aware that I'm extremely prone to air sickness. I was kind of hoping a helicopter would be a little different. I'm getting rather nervous now. Man, I hope this is going to be a smooth flight. Well, that helicopter you're in is state of the art.
00:33:26
Speaker
My life coach Jerry bought it. He's not using it right now, so relax. You're totally safe up there. So how's the traffic looking today? Any major problems our listener friends should be worried about? No, no, no. This was not a good idea. This year was definitely a mistake. Whoa, this is really not feeling well right now.
00:33:51
Speaker
I should have stayed on the ground for this man. Jim, can you please fly this thing a little more smoothly, please? Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Scott, do you think you're going to be okay? Do you think you can still give us a traffic report today? Well, maybe once if we level off, I should be okay. Give us a couple of minutes here to level off and I'll get back to you.
00:34:18
Speaker
Sure, no problem. Just just relax take a few deep breaths. We'll get back to you soon. Yeah, he's not doing well up there So that was Scott Skyman up in the Smilton one traffic helicopter having a few troubles so in other news
Bizarre Local Stories
00:34:36
Speaker
Police are warning residents to be on the lookout for a pickpocket. This nimble-fingered thief is stealing wallets, billfolds, pocket watches, and pocket purses from people across town. Pocket purses? Oh, it's a thing. Okay.
00:34:51
Speaker
There have not been many witnesses, as most people don't know that they've been victimized until well after the crime. Because this pickpocket's so good at it. They're subtle. A few people have come forward and have provided a description to police. The culprit is apparently one and a half feet tall. What? Has a long tail and is as cute as the dickens. Yup. I tell you what, if that little fellow comes near me, I'm going to watch my wallet. But I may give him a dried apricot as a treat.
00:35:20
Speaker
Well, I'm going to tell you something. This is, I'm not happy about this. Uh, Smileton people here are great, but they tend to just go whole hog on any trend that happens. These maniacs have been watching YouTube, watching people, how to, they learn how to train their monkey, how to be a thief, a pickpocket. They think it's adorable.
00:35:40
Speaker
They think somehow it's not illegal because the monkey's not legally responsible. So it comes home with a rucksack full of Rolex watches and black Amex cards. Funny thing is, though, that their neighbor will often steal it back. Their neighbor's monkey will often steal it back the next day. Yeah, it's a crime war, and it's all monkeys doing the dirty work.
00:36:00
Speaker
Yeah. So like people got to screw their heads on a bit straighter than that. Come on, folks. I'm not too worried about it. It's still a crime. I'm furious about it. Well, I just think I got swarmed by a few of these little fellows really angry. Oh, no, no, no, because they're pretty smart. And they did a number on me and that's not that's not going to stand number. I mean, I came home with no pants.
00:36:25
Speaker
oh my goodness well maybe they needed some pants well i don't care what they need they can go buy with all the money they're stealing so we gotta take care of these monkeys we gotta deliver them to some monkey sanctuary like a halfway house or a reform school for delinquent monkeys oh dear it's enough of this okay so stop it a new business is just that's pretty much what i'm going to say to every news story is just stop it
00:36:49
Speaker
Well, wait until you hear this one. Okay. A new business has just started up in Smileton and it hopes that pretty soon Smileton will be singing a different tune.
00:36:58
Speaker
Rock Stallion Guitars opened its doors yesterday. Hang on. And residents poured in to admire the wide array of guitars for sale and enjoy the free hot dogs and coffee. Ah, a new guitar store. That's right. Owner Mitch Winchel is excited to be joining the Smilton community. Yeah, I just moved here from Sparrow Creek and found that this town does not have a proper guitar store. Whoa, hang on.
00:37:28
Speaker
I'm really excited to be offering the finest instruments at fair prices in a safe and clean environment. Remember friends, when you hop on the back of a rock stallion guitar, you'd better hold tight. Well, this town is pretty ably served by a guitar store right now. My buddy Lance runs music by Lance. It's been servicing the guitar needs of this town and other neighboring areas for many a year now. I don't know if we need some hot shock coming in with rock stallion guitar. Well, I have. So what does Lance think about this?
00:37:58
Speaker
Okay. Music by Lance- Oh, you talked to him? Yeah. Okay. Music by Lance owner Lance took the news of a rival guitar store opening in Stride. He told this reporter, huh? What? Break it down for me. What are you saying? There's a new guitar store in town? What the F?
00:38:16
Speaker
We don't need another effing guitar store. I got the loudest guitars in town, the craziest amps. Some wimp thinks he can move into town and take over the place? F that. And if you're not going to buy something, get the eff out of my store. This reporter wishes Mitch Winchell all the best and is looking forward to trying out a guitar there soon. While I'm not,
00:38:38
Speaker
Why is he trying to run Lance out of business? Lance is a solid guy. That sure sounds like him. It's not a question of trying to run him out of business. It's a question of there's a business in town that is not really doing very good business. Oh, that's nonsense. It's fiddlesticks. It's just the way that free countries do enterprise. Well, I'm supporting Lance. I'm going to go buy a couple guitars today just to support the guy. Well, hold your pants on. Okay. But before I go do that,
00:39:08
Speaker
Let's check in again with our eye in the sky, Scott Skyman. Scott, how are things going up there? You feeling any better? You okay? Oh, leveling off has done nothing here, man. I'm just not well. There's way too much sky, way too much sky here, man. I'm gonna be sick. There's no doubt about it now. It's gonna happen in this helicopter if we don't land this thing right now.
00:39:35
Speaker
Scott, if you just take a few deep breaths, just try to calm down, I think you'll feel better. No, no, you don't understand. It's gonna be, I'm gonna be sick, man. Jim Land, Land, we gotta land this thing. I can't see anything out here. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do a number on this helicopter here. Scott, could you give us a hint how the traffic is looking up there this morning?
00:39:59
Speaker
Land this thing right now. The time for debate has long passed. Land this thing now. Well, okay. We're going to give Scott a few minutes to collect himself. Scott, we'll get back to you. Wow. He's fighting. He's challenged. He hasn't been able to give us a proper update yet. We'll get the traffic eventually. Yeah. Well, we'll give him one more chance.
00:40:24
Speaker
Okay. A busy day in sports today, the Smilton Community Tag Association held its monthly match in Harvester Square yesterday. I'm going to start again. The Smilton Community Tag Association held its monthly match in Harvester Square yesterday. For the third month in a row, shirts defeated skins, this time with an impressive 11-5 score. Wow. Shirts have been building up a dynasty here.
00:40:50
Speaker
Skins gotta maybe practice a little more get their act together. Mm-hmm Tag is serious. You got you can't it requires a lot of skill. You got to stay on top of that You got to practice every day. So get to it skins. I feel like skins maybe could just be a different color of shirt No, it's shirts and no shirts. Okay Buffalo Bill Bison held off a late tag. What are you talking about? Oh
00:41:15
Speaker
It's like, oh, yeah, I think hockey players would do better if they carried baseball bats. Like, it makes no sense. Okay. Shirts and skins, that's tag, baby. All right, all right. Buffalo Bill Bison held off a late challenge from Griffin Green to hold on to the Smilton Horseshoe League Championship. Doctors ordered the match stopped after Bison delivered three unanswered blows straight to the skull of Green. Wow, I got to tell you, since they started playing horseshoes this way, chucking the horseshoes at each other, way more exciting.
00:41:44
Speaker
A lot more damaging, too. You don't want to take one of those in the head, let alone three of them. I'm glad they stopped the match because that that wasn't sounding good. Yeah, I don't think that this is really covered, too, if you just are deliberately throw it like covered. Well, it's a sports injury coverage. They have clinics for it. They should be covered. Some of you get hurt playing a sport. That's fine. You forget. Like, are you covered if you fall off a bike?
00:42:06
Speaker
Yeah? Yeah. Shouldn't be doing that, but you should be playing horseshoes. That's true. Okay. The Winter Blues Dance Marathon 2018 has entered its ninth month and shows no sign of stopping anytime soon. Five couples remain, all fighting to claim the Winter Blues Dance Crown. The 2017 marathon lasted eight months, so let's see how this year's competitors do. I hope they finish up before it's time to start 2019 Dance Marathon.
00:42:34
Speaker
Yeah. Those, I don't know why we're doing those dance marathons lasting for all these months. The one that's currently going on started last year. Yeah. Still going. They're like, they're, they're, they're just leaning against each other. Yeah. They can barely move. It's horrible to look at. It is. And the prize is really not much. It's like 300 bucks or something like that. No, I think that we should maybe offer to just buy them out.
00:42:55
Speaker
Yeah, they're committed. No, they're professionals. They're committed to this. They're going to dance till they can't dance anymore. Yeah. I just hope it ends soon. I don't even know if anybody's watching this, so maybe we shouldn't even report on it going forward. Just let them disperse and we'll just pretend like it never happened. Yeah, let's stop reporting on it. It's craziness.
00:43:16
Speaker
Good news for Smileton water drinkers. The town's water supply has been given the all clear after the contamination issues of recent weeks. Alright. As most of us know, some prankster broke into the water reservoir and turned our drinking water into delicious grape Kool-Aid. Yup.
00:43:32
Speaker
People were initially happy, but the Kool-Aid complicated the use of water for other activities such as bathing, brushing teeth, and cleaning. Didn't slow me down. In addition, some residents eventually wanted to change the flavor, and a fight began over which flavor to try next.
00:43:49
Speaker
multiple Kool-Aid flavors were added to the reservoir, and the result was a messy mixture of flavors that pleased no one. A formal statement from the utility company responsible for treating our water has officially requested that Smilaton residents should please refrain from contaminating the water supply, even if it's to pep up the water with a new taste sensation. As of noon today, the taps are running clean once again. Well, that's good.
00:44:16
Speaker
I think people are trying to help. It's like they think they can spike the punch, but they're spiking the water supply.
Pranking Smileton's Water Supply
00:44:23
Speaker
I don't think that's a good idea. You know, if it's a Kool-Aid, you know, you run your dishwasher and it's just full of great Kool-Aid. That's not getting your dishes clean. Yeah. Water is a serious thing. It's not for fun. Yeah. So I don't really have people think they can do whatever they want. I'll go dump something in the water. It's fine. It's fun.
00:44:39
Speaker
It is kind of a fun thing to add to the story of Smileton, though, that people would make it so fanciful, colorful, and flavorful. It's crazy. It's definitely impractical, though. Well, I think let's try one more time. We're going to go up to the eye in the sky and being told that Scott is ready to go. Scott Skyman, our traffic reporter, flying high above Smileton in the Smileton One traffic helicopter. How are things looking for the commute this morning, Scott?
00:45:14
Speaker
I don't think he's doing any better. He's fine, he's fine. He's not fine. No, no. Scott, just breathe. Breathe a little bit. He'll feel better. Scott, how's the traffic looking on Angus Pepper Memorial Drive?
00:45:38
Speaker
on the way down Scott maybe take a look out the window see if you can see any cars if there are lots of cars if there are just a few just can you tell us that much no no Scott take care of yourself just just land go home and get some rest bye bye thank you Scott for the update I think we should all just keep our eyes open and if you have any traffic tips maybe call them into the podcast I hope that Scott feels better soon and you know people could also just Google it if they're wondering about the traffic what
00:45:57
Speaker
Okay, this is enough. Scott just landed. It's okay.
00:46:08
Speaker
Yeah. You can look that up on your phone sometimes. I think you probably want a Smilaton source for your Smilaton traffic. How do they know what's going on here? Well, I mean, Google... No, no, no. We'll figure this out. Google Earth, you know. We'll figure it out. Okay.
Show Reflections and Musical Farewell
00:46:22
Speaker
That's it for this edition of Smilaton News. I'm Miss Elizabeth and good night out of sight. Oof. That's your sign off? Oof. Well, not oof.
00:46:32
Speaker
That's a little flippant. Well, and plus, it's a it's a podcast. So I'm not sure if if people are always listening at night. Yeah, I don't know when they're listening. It's the news is the news. I like it. Good night. Addison rhymes. Okay, fine, fine. I'll try it again. Good night. Addison. Yes. Thanks, Miss Elizabeth for that hard hitting informative newscast. I feel better informed.
00:46:58
Speaker
Smileton News, right here on Hello, Smileton. Miss Elizabeth, a little bit sad to hear from Darren like that way back in the past. He was hilarious. He was so talented. He had so many different things that he could bring to the show and that he just did on his own as well. He was only on the one time and that's a lesson because he had a funny idea. He wanted to come back as Scott Skyman, so he proposed the idea that Scott try again to do the helicopter report, but this time from the ground,
00:47:25
Speaker
But unfortunately, the monitors he would be using would be a bit too big and they would be providing the point of view from the helicopter and he'd get air sick all over again. Just sitting there in his basement. Yeah. We never did that segment. It was a great idea. That's silly. We should have done it. That was a good idea. So if you think of an idea and you get it done, your listener friend, no time like the present. There's no time like the present. Speaking of that, we got to listen to some music. No time like the present. We got to seize the day and we got to put a classic track right back in our ears.
00:47:54
Speaker
Goldfinger. Let's do it. Goldfinger. He's the man, the man with the mightiest touch.
00:48:25
Speaker
A spider's touch Such a cold finger Beckons you to enter his web of sin But don't go in
00:48:52
Speaker
Golden words he will pour in your ear But his lies can't disguise what you fear For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her It's the kiss of death from Mr. Goldfinger
00:49:14
Speaker
Pretty girl, beware of this heart of gold This heart is
00:49:52
Speaker
He's the man, the man with the Midas touch A spider's touch Such a cold finger Pecans you to enter his web of sin
00:50:15
Speaker
But his lies can't disguise what you fear For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her It's the kiss of death from Mr. Goldfinger Pretty girl beware of this heart of gold This heart is cold
00:51:07
Speaker
Knows when he's kissed her It's the kiss of death from Mr. Goldfinger Pretty girl beware of this heart of gold This heart is gold He loves gold Only gold
00:51:30
Speaker
He wants gold, so much gold Look at that gold, piles of gold Up and gold I want gold Give me that gold
00:51:59
Speaker
Goldfinger by Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smile. You love that cover so much. Every single time you say the title, you sing it. Well, it came together kind of nice, I think. I do enjoy listening to it. You're proud of that one and you should be. Well, thanks. Dear listener friend, if you've got a hankering to check it out again, go to any digital streaming platform that supplies music to you. Look for the Smile Syndicate.
00:52:26
Speaker
and more Smile Syndicate songs on old streaming platforms. That's a fellow we don't need to hear from ever again. He's helpful. He's not helpful. He interrupted me once again, dear listener friend. I don't want to get irritated and cross. Here we are at the end of the show. I got to be setting my sights on next week where we're going to be coming right back at you. The fun, the comedy, the music, never ending flow. I think there might be some death metal news coming up. I don't want to promise it's going to happen.
00:52:56
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, when we tease next week's episode, the intent is to want Dear Listener Friend to come back, not to avoid, not to forewarn Dear Listener Friend about death metal content that would put them off ever returning again. Dear Listener Friend, don't worry about that. You check in with us next week. You're going to be entertained no matter what. I'll keep it tabs on Miss Elizabeth. Keep her from getting out of hand here. We'll keep the nonsense to the minimum. Our audience demands death metal updates. I think you're wrong.
00:53:26
Speaker
But what we both agree on is that this one has been fun, but it's done. Miss Elizabeth, take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smilton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smilton, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is a jukebox.
00:53:56
Speaker
Thanks.