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The Scuttlebutt Has It Otherwise
133 Plays3 years ago
Entertainment has rarely been distilled so purely. Listen to this, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, and learn that the greatest podcast ever has just stepped up its game.
Jason and Miss Elizabeth report for duty and deliver the very best in comedy and original music straight from the town of Smileton.
Rock music's greatest living prophet and Smileton resident Lance Brock gives us the good news of rock in the latest LANCE BROCK'S ROCK TALK, your plucky hosts highlight some of the goings-on around town in the accurately named AROUND TOWN, and Miss Elizabeth delivers a Smileton newscast so compelling, your local news people are hanging their heads in shame. It's the SMILETON NEWS and you need to hear it if you want to run around calling yourself informed.
This, plus two catchy numbers from one of Smileton's top bands The Smile Syndicate? Too juch of a good thing? NO SUCH THING.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
3:53 Lance Brock's Rock Talk
21:09 SONG – Banana Bus
23:31 Around Town
31:30 Smileton News
45:44 SONG – Rasputin
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Transcript
Introduction & Podcast Theme
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton. Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Miss Elizabeth, thank you so much. You introduced the show. We know what we're in for now. You and I, we have to deliver the goods.
00:00:25
Speaker
Let's deliver those goods. I'm excited. I feel like we're in a really cool studio space right now. We've got lots of cameras. We've got lots of action. Yeah. Where can people go to find all this video? I wonder. I don't know. We have literally no plans for the video. We're taking the video. We don't know what we're doing. For future historians. Dear listener friend. It's for the time caps.
00:00:45
Speaker
Yes, dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. I hope you're in the mood for some comedy.
Studio Antics & Challenges
00:00:51
Speaker
I hope you're in the mood for some catchy music because that's all we got for you. The very best in comedy and music right here. Jason, how are you today? That's our audience saying hello to you. That's Sam, the soundboard guy. I'm profoundly irritated now because I'm trying to rev myself up into a state where I can deliver this show with gusto and the narrative cuts me off by asking me how I'm doing.
00:01:13
Speaker
I'm right back down on planet Earth. You ne'er-do-well, so thanks for nothing. You butted in. And I'm sick of arguing with pre-recorded sound clips, Miss Elizabeth, so I think we can... Pre-recorded. That's a bit strong. Miss Elizabeth, the fact that this show gets done at all means it's a triumph against the odds. Week in and week out, we have soundboard clips chirping in. This guy sitting there, smug as a bug.
00:01:38
Speaker
thinking he could interrupt the show anytime he wants. And I have a studio audience right in front of me here with us in Smile Syndicate HQ. They are not gunning for us, Miss Elizabeth. They're actively working against the success of the show. And if you cast your eye up there right now, you'll see that the audience is all wearing the same thing today. They're all wearing yellow slickers, practically defying me to blast them with the fire hose, which is what happens when they get out of the line.
00:02:04
Speaker
Well, maybe they are expecting that and so they came prepared and maybe they're even slightly hoping you might blast them with fire hoses because it's like they're wearing their own little slip and slide on their body. Isn't that delightful? I'm scared of your little fire hose. There you go. That's the attitude.
00:02:22
Speaker
This guy's a nitwit. People up in our studio audience are nitwits because it's not just the water that's the problem. It's the PSI that you're going to get hit with. You, whoever you are, Sam, the soundboard guy, you're about to... PSI pounds? Pounds per square inch. Once that water starts hitting you, you're going to be thrown around like a rag doll and that maniacal laughing you hear is going to be coming from yours truly. You're all talk, Jason.
00:02:45
Speaker
OK, we'll settle this. OK. We'll settle this after the show. After the show. Speaking of which, we got to get to it, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah.
Upcoming Segments Teaser
00:02:54
Speaker
Dear listener friend, I hope you're in the mood for fun, because we have, later in the show, the Smileton News coming straight at you. The latest headlines from our dear town, torn off the surly streets by our news hound, Miss Elizabeth. Our streets aren't that surly. We have some really fun stories. It's a hard-hitting newscast. News isn't supposed to be fun, but in this case, it is fun.
00:03:15
Speaker
We're going to tell you, dear listener friends, that there is so much going on in our town that we got to highlight some of the highlights because otherwise you'll be paralyzed with choice if you try to figure out what to do when it's time to go around town. There's a word for that, like having too much choice paralysis. Interesting, Miss Elizabeth.
00:03:37
Speaker
So people do better with only two or three choices. If you give them five or ten choices, they don't make any choice. We're going to point, dear listener friend, at a few very specific hot spots, things to do in town that's coming later in the show. And of course, we have music by my hard rockin' band, The Smile Syndicate, straight ahead. But first, Miss Elizabeth.
00:03:56
Speaker
There are a few things we do on this show that make me feel like it's worth getting up in the morning.
Behind the Scenes of Smileton Podcast
00:04:01
Speaker
Just a few. Really? This is one of them. Is that how you feel about the show? Uh, Miss Elizabeth. It's a burden. Oh, it's a burden. Oh, it's a burden. It's a back-breaking burden. Okay, well, I think everybody loves it so much, and we're all so grateful for your extreme effort.
00:04:15
Speaker
Yeah, the joyful treadmill is relentless. The effort it takes to produce this show week in and week out, year after year, stymies the imagination. Fortunately, I'm up to the task. You are up to the task. And it's because of segments
Rock Wisdom with Lance Brock
00:04:28
Speaker
like this. I don't think you would ever stop. I think you're going to keep on going. We've got to share, Miss Elizabeth.
00:04:32
Speaker
We gotta share wisdom. In particular, rock wisdom. Wisdom about rock. You had me at wisdom. Okay, good, because this particular brand of wisdom is going to be delivered to us by my buddy Lance. He runs the best guitar store in town.
00:04:48
Speaker
Okay I'm not sure if we want to necessarily associate the word Lance with the word wisdom. I think you just did and I think you did a good job there Mrs. Elizabeth. Rock wisdom is what's coming up here as we turn the show over to my buddy.
00:05:03
Speaker
Fog horn, we know what kind of music you listen to, so you're hardly in the position to cast your glance of scants at us. It's time for Rock. It's time for Rock's living prophet here in Smilton, Lance Brock, to give us the good word, and I'm just his empty vessel.
00:05:23
Speaker
What in the F is up, my fellow rock travelers of the bygone F and rock days of F and yore, who are here to keep the flames of rock burning so help me, rock? Well, mmm. One sentence in and you're dubious already? Yeah. Miss Elizabeth spare me your skepticism. I'm going to try to spare you my skepticism. He does say F a little too much, but at least he doesn't complete the whole word. So he's not
00:05:49
Speaker
He's not changing for you. He's not changing for anybody. I know he's not changing. Welcome to the only F'n Rock related podcast. You need to listen to Lance Brock's Rock Talk. If you're a poser or a loser or God F'n help you a loser poser, then there's the F'n Door.
00:06:06
Speaker
Yeah, I hear you lads. If you're listening to this to your listener friend and you're a loser poser, hit the bricks. This message is not for you. It's a new effing year and I make it here effing by result that this is the year that loser poser, ski pants wearing sidewalk shoveling goof, Mitch Winchell gets driven out of the guitar store business by yours effing truly. Okay, this is where we turn to a bit of the good old slander.
00:06:33
Speaker
What do you mean? I just think I was willing to just listen to whatever Lance had to say and just, you know, get it out because he needs to get it out. But I think as soon as you start talking negatively about some of the good, upstanding citizens and business owners of our town like Mitch Winchell.
00:06:50
Speaker
He's got you hoodwinked. It's maybe just not necessary. It should be slanderous. Mitch Winchell dances into town thinking he can open up a guitar store to compete with my buddy Lance's guitar store. The fact that Lance gives him static for being a loser poser, that's the least this guy deserves.
00:07:05
Speaker
I own the best guitar store in this town and if Mitch Winchell thinks he can run a successful store year over effing year and sell a ton of S and make a bunch of people happy without my say so then this soup sipper has a lot to learn at the feet of his rock and roll sensei which is me by the effing way. Okay.
00:07:24
Speaker
I don't think Mitch is not, he's not going to turn to Lance for any kind of advice or teachings. More fool him. Hope you had an effing wild Christmas party during the Yule effing tides. I'm sure the F effing did. I closed the store early and me Vance and my effed in the head wild man cousin Sandy and a bunch of guys Vance bowls with came to the store and we made it effing ground zero of rock. That effing Christmas Eve I effing tell you.
00:07:51
Speaker
It was a theme party, so we all dressed up as Mitch Winchell. Oh, come on. Okay. Miss Elizabeth tis the season. To be jealous of Mitch Winchell and just continuously hurl slanderous comments in these directions. I think you'd better... How do you even dress as Mitch Winchell?
00:08:11
Speaker
You're dressed as a sweater-wearin' soup sippin' nerd, probably. Okay, well... Sounds okay. That sounds okay. Miss Elizabeth... I like sweaters, I like soup. Miss Elizabeth... I'm kind of a nerd. You know, I'm Fondia. You do a pretty good show, you do a pretty good job on this show. Thank you. You help the show out somewhat. I try. But I gotta say this, how dare you? What? He's celebrating Christmas the best way he knows how, and you wanna turn your nose up at it?
00:08:38
Speaker
Who lends? Get out of your ivory tower, Miss Elizabeth. That's Christmas Eve in my book, having fun with your friends. I think it's odd to dress as your enemy during the festive season. Isn't that just a lot of negativity? Mitch could solve this whole thing by closing that store down and getting out of town.
00:08:53
Speaker
Okay, I don't think he's gonna do that because he's very successful. He's wildly successful. Yes, and that's part of the problem. I've never laughed so effing hard. Vance had his Mitch Winchell impression effing down cold and it was so effing funny as eff.
00:09:08
Speaker
the bowling guys didn't really know who Mitch Winchell was but they were pretty effing hilarious anyway one of them actually imitated Mitch Winchell a little too well since at some effing point he wandered away from the party and tried to break into my hatchback okay wait a minute wait a minute one of them
00:09:25
Speaker
meaning maybe Lance, did Lance try to break into somebody's hatchback? No, one of the bowling buddies that Vance brought along. One of the bowling buddies? They don't really know who Mitch Winchell is, but he's imitating him a little too well by actually trying to break into Lance's hatchback. But is he trying to imitate Mitch, or is that just something that he does?
00:09:43
Speaker
I think, well I think it's probably, he doesn't really know who Mitch Winch, Mitch Winchell is. So he just breaks into hatchbacks. Just something he does, yes. I caught the guy. That solves that mystery. I don't know what you're talking, I don't know what you're talking about. Who's breaking into hatchbacks? Mitch Winchell is. It's not Mitch Winchell, it's this guy. This guy probably learned it from Mitch Winchell, Miss Elizabeth. Okay, well I'm on to, I'm on to him. I caught the guy red effing handed and I go, hey dude, you should go apply to work at Mitch Winchell's store. You're two peas in an effing pod. Okay, that's.
00:10:11
Speaker
He's not even mad at the guy, Ms. Elizabeth. I think Mitch does not steal from people's hatchbacks. The scuttlebutt has it otherwise, Ms. Elizabeth. But you're the one that's got all the scuttlebutt, though. Lance's customer review. So it's a few days before Christmas and the place is effin' dead.
00:10:29
Speaker
Yeah, because his store is, you know, it's like a, I don't know, it's like a warehouse of musical sadness. There's a pre-Christmas slowdown. People are at home wrapping their Christmas gifts. They don't have time to go shopping. There's no pre-Christmas slowdown. He could improve his store. Like, I don't know why this isn't all so negative. Like, he could just improve his store and then generate more. There's nothing wrong with it, Miss Elizabeth. The store
Adventures at Lance's Guitar Store
00:10:54
Speaker
is fine. I love going in there. Well, the customers tell a different story.
00:10:58
Speaker
Okay, ask any shopkeeper and they tell you they dread Christmas because it just slows right down to a crawl. This guy wanders in and I can tell he's a complete poser just from one effing whiff of the guy. He picks up one of the guitars and goes over to an amp and tries to plug the effing guitar in and he, and I S you not, tried giving me effing guff just because he touched one of my effing off-brand amps and got a bad shock.
00:11:22
Speaker
I know what you're thinking. It effing sucks to get yelled at by a poser. What did you do, Lance? Well, I just sat there and let the loser rant and rave because I effing saw out of the corner my effing eye the effing rock lobster sneaking up behind him. And Sandy effing screams, Booyah Booyah, which is the effing mating call of the rock lobster and he totally pants the guy who totally blew his effing lid and screamed at us. And as he took off, Merry Christmas loser, one and a half stars.
00:11:50
Speaker
One and a half stars, okay. Well... See, that's how you run a shop, Miss Elizabeth. So that's what Sandy does, dressed as a rock lobster. He pantses customers in the store. He pantses customers. He humps inanimate objects. He's like a one-man party. It's hilarious. You feel like spending money at that store when the rock lobster is on the rampage. I don't see Mitch Winchell doing one thing like that. Nothing infused with the spirit of rock at all.
00:12:16
Speaker
So I think that one of the problems with that electric shock may be that there has been some water damage in the area of the store because of the roof and because of the, there's just been a long time. Yeah, there's a hole in the roof. A water damage situation. Yeah. So that may be why. You're grasping at straws, Miss Elizabeth. So some of your customers may be getting, maybe avoiding the store during Christmas because they don't want to be shocked. They don't want to receive an electrical shock and potentially,
00:12:43
Speaker
you know, have to go to hospital right before Christmas. Maybe they're more willing to visit your store when there isn't a holiday in the office. You can weave whatever tail you want. A hole in the roof, water damage, off-brand amps, dangerous voltage and shoddy merchandise. You can say whatever you want. The fact is, we don't know what actually happened here. Probably user error.
00:13:05
Speaker
And Lance is right to hold his customers to account. That guy will never forget getting shocked by an amp. And he'll probably be a little more careful the next time he goes around to F around with an amp. He won't be doing it at Lance Brock's. I should hope not. House of guitars. You seek by Lance is the name of the store and the clientele can't be a loser, can't be a poser. Miss Elizabeth says so on the door. All right. Top F and five F and rock bands of 2023 and all F and time to
00:13:34
Speaker
For the record, I feel like we've given enough time to Lance already. What? Sorry, Miss Elizabeth. For the record. Hello, Smilton ended long ago. We're in the midst of Lance Brock's rock talk right now. Let's keep on going. That was just for the record. Number five, ACF and DC. They're not one of the top bands of all time. Yes.
00:13:55
Speaker
Are you looking at the same list? I am. This is pretty clearly right here, number five. I told my effing brother Vance that he should learn guitar so we could be brothers in rock and brothers in effing real life, just like Angus and Malcolm. But he said he took guitar lessons years ago and he and his effing teacher brawled and effing went at it. And part of the teacher's ear got torn off in the effing fracas, which is why it's drums only for 24-7 for my brother in rock and brother in real effing life, Vance. Wow.
00:14:24
Speaker
I like the word fracas. I like the use of the word fracas. It was an effing fracas, Mrs. Elizabeth. The guitar teacher's ear gets partially torn off, and it's enough to put you off guitar. Well, it's enough to put you off hearing properly. You think you don't need your outside flaps of your ear back, so you do. I know Vance. He's a pretty even-tempered guy. He's probably the guitar teacher who started the fracas. Did you know that your ear is actually shaped to collect the sounds better and direct them into your auditory canal?
00:14:53
Speaker
Makes sense, Miss Elizabeth. So when you lose a part of it, you lose a part of your hearing. Well, he shouldn't have stirred up trouble, then. Number four, Molly Hatchet. The only time my dad ever spanked me was in high school when I effing said Molly Hatchet did Free Bird. And my dad said, no dumbass, that's the Allman Brothers. And we brawled. And it turns out we were both effing wrong. So who actually did Free Bird?
00:15:18
Speaker
Leonard Skynyrd. Leonard Skynyrd. Okay, so why isn't Leonard Skynyrd on here? Miss Elizabeth, I didn't compile this list. If you want me to start probing into the brain of Lance, I'll be here all day. I think we should start probing into Lance's brain. I think that might help solve some of these problems. There's no problems. Lance might have a blood clot.
00:15:37
Speaker
He doesn't have anything wrong with him. He might have high blood pressure. If this segment has told us nothing else, it's that he's a sound mind. A fungus is growing in his guitar store. Because of the moisture, this solves everything. He's got some chemical fungus going on in his head. He doesn't have a fungus in his brain. We need to gas his store with a fungicidal gas. Oh, no. Mitch Winchell should do that first.
00:16:06
Speaker
Number three, Judas Ephin Priest. I can test, also Judas Priest shouldn't be on this list. Oh, Ms. Elizabeth! You're embarrassing yourself, quite frankly. If I could count up the hours I've spent air-guitaring to these Ephin metal rock gods, and I got like a hundred bucks for each hour, I'd buy a fleet of frickin motorcycles so I could ride, ride alongside Rob Ephinhalliford the next time he heads out to the Ephin highway. Why do you need a fleet though? Don't you just need one?
00:16:35
Speaker
See? It's a good point. It's not a good point. You just, you pick knits instead of just rocking. All right. Do you know what it means to rock with a band in Miss Elizabeth? I don't
Debate Over Top Rock Bands
00:16:44
Speaker
think you do. I do. I rock with Mitch Winchell's band. I do the rocking horse. Yeah, that you feel your abuse of the term rock is gobsmacking. Well, I guess we each rock to the rock of our own drummer. Yeah. Rock isn't whatever you want it to be, Miss Elizabeth. It literally is. It isn't. It is.
00:17:02
Speaker
Number two, Led F and Zeppelin. Is that one okay? Okay, then we can continue. Vance got booted out of high school for a month one time when he was cranking Led Zeppelin 2 on a boombox and his typing teacher said, turn it down and they brawled. And part of the typing team.
00:17:20
Speaker
part of the typing teacher's ear got bitten off. What a perfect f-ing soundtrack for those kinds of f-ing hygiene. Again, somebody's losing the physical aspect of their hearing.
00:17:36
Speaker
Once again, your outer ears are damaged, Vance is right in the middle of that maelstrom, and Rock is the soundtrack, and that's sounding pretty good to me. Number one... Wait a minute, is Lance... Who's biting somebody's ear off? The typing teacher got part of his ear bitten off.
00:17:52
Speaker
by Vance. And it was Vance in the first one as well? Yeah, he tore his guitar teacher's ear. Vance definitely is having a problem with other people's ears and keeping his mouth to himself. Miss Elizabeth, when you get worked up, things happen. That's two accidents. I'm not going to blame the guy.
00:18:09
Speaker
I'm gonna blame the guy and I think there must be some kind of solution, some kind of intercession that we can conduct. Oh, stop it. Just let him go. Let him fly free like a rock god. I care about my ears. I'll stay away from him then. Number one, top rock band of 2023 and all, F in time two, Black, F in Sabbath. Okay, well I can't complain, but I do say why is ACDC on this list and the smile syndicate isn't?
00:18:51
Speaker
No, I'm putting these expectations on Lance to give you some effing respect. Excuse my language. Black effing Sabbath. Aussie is the effing king and every trip hop and hip hop and hip no trance guy knows where the true roots of their favorite. Wait, no. Number one should always be Lance Brock's Goin' Snake. My effing band. No disrespect to the effing Sabs, but there are new rock gods in town, fellas. Okay.
00:18:57
Speaker
Ever on this list, ever.
00:19:15
Speaker
No. He kind of forgot there, Miss Elizabeth. Lancebrox, Goin' Snake, the top effin' band of all time. I gotta agree, and that's not a conflict of interest, Miss Elizabeth, just because I'm the rhythm guitar player. They have no music out on streaming platforms, unlike the Smile Syndicate, which has over 50 songs out on streaming platforms. Plus more are in the works, as I understand. Yes, but Miss Elizabeth, I'm in that band for a reason. I know which way the wind is blowing. Lancebrox, Goin' Snake, to the stratosphere. Yeah, okay.
00:19:43
Speaker
That's it for Lance Brock's Rock Talk. May the new year bestow the effing blessings of rock upon you, but not if you're a rock-hating nerd like Mitch Winchell, in which case I wish your store goes out of business and the police arrest you for your sticky fingers, because I heard it's not just hatchbacks you steal groceries from, but now you got that burglar kit for Christmas. You've been hitting some condos too, so my fellow rock travelers, if you have a hatchback or a condo, lock them up tight because Mitch Winchell is on the loose, and he's effing setting up too.
00:20:11
Speaker
2023 to be the big effin score. Peace and out and effin stay the rock effin course my fellow effin rock travelers. Peace.
00:20:22
Speaker
I'm exhausted. That's a lot of wisdom to get all at once. I got to just hunker down and process what I've learned. That's 2023, we are set up to rock. And if we drop the rock ball, it's on us. It's not on our rock master lance, that's for sure. Play a song already. Yeah.
00:20:44
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, I will not be hurried along. I will not be harried as I try to conduct the business of this show. It's around now that, and there it is, it's around now that the Smoughton Radio starts tuning in. We've got to play a song. Thank goodness for that, because I need a little bit of rock after talking about it. It's time to listen to a proper rock song. I'm talking about Banana Bus. Let's go.
00:21:11
Speaker
What's that noise, that rumbling sound? Feel the shaking in the ground? No, this isn't a parade. You don't have to be afraid.
Musical Interlude - 'Banana Bus'
00:21:21
Speaker
Look at that, what a surprise. I cannot believe my eyes.
00:21:27
Speaker
and full of fun. Yellow, but that ain't the song.
00:21:48
Speaker
Banana bus Lots of room so climb aboard This is what you're looking for World of wonder is inside Sit right back enjoy the ride Banana bus Banana bus Banana bus Banana bus Banana bus
00:22:29
Speaker
What a sight, it kills the sky Still the smoke is, it rolls by Wobbles, but it never stops Down the road and at the top
00:23:17
Speaker
Banana bus.
00:23:18
Speaker
by the Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. Wowee. A catchy number, Miss Elizabeth. A top hit. Find more Smile Syndicate songs on all streaming platforms. Sam is being so helpful today. Well, Miss Elizabeth, there's a lot to do in our fair town. Yeah. There's too many, too many things going on and we need to direct Dear Listener Friend to some of the more important things so Dear Listener Friend can plan their evenings and days accordingly.
00:23:46
Speaker
I'm looking forward to telling you some of the things I'm going to be up to. We pull these things together in a segment we call Around Town. Miss Elizabeth, why don't you tell us about that first thing you want us to direct our attention
Community Events & News
00:23:58
Speaker
to? Yeah, Jason, the Goose and Gosling Knitting Circle is having a Sunday tea at the Cottage Grove Rec Center this Saturday afternoon at 1.30.
00:24:09
Speaker
So come on down and join me as the circle hosts a Miss Elizabeth appreciation tea. The first cups on me. Oh, delightful. I'm going to help with the hosting of this because it wasn't my idea, but it sure is nice to be appreciated, Jason. Yeah, so.
00:24:24
Speaker
You want to come and make Elizabeth's inflated ego a little bit better? Make sure you truck on down to the Cottage Grove Rec Center. Miss Elizabeth, this isn't what you need. You're surrounding yourselves with people who flatter you. You need a little more gritty realism. That's why you're on this show with me.
00:24:41
Speaker
Well Jason, I love tea. But you don't listen. I love tea, I love friends, and that's what this knitting circle is all about. Plus at the end of some of the activities, you know, you have some mittens or a nice scarf, or sometimes like a little doily thing that you've made, like just to put like down on your, like a placemat, things like that. Yeah, I don't like these guys. I don't like them. Why not? Go with some Gosling Knitting Circle, a bunch of snobs. Oh, but you're welcome.
00:25:06
Speaker
No, I miss Elizabeth. I am not. It has been made clear to me. I'm going to invite you right now on the show for the record. You can go right ahead and do that. And then you will get a talking to from the people who lead that thing. They made it clear to me that they were not interested in my membership, even though I had not stepped forward to claim it.
00:25:24
Speaker
I would like you to come and join me and appreciate me on that day. Yeah. Okay. So avoid that one, dear listener friend, because tonight, if you're in town, head over to Misty Lagoon, Lance and Vance live there. Oh man. So they've got their garbage catapult and they've been setting it off and it's been hilarious. So they're going to go for the biggest moonshot yet.
00:25:46
Speaker
tonight. They're going to try to lounge Sandy, their cousin. He's going to be in the Rock Lobster costume. They're going to launch him. They're going to launch him to Gowers Gulch. So they, okay, they haven't learned their lesson. Did you hear what I just said? Yeah. Last time they launched him, they launched him seven blocks. Yeah. And now they're saying they want to launch him about 50 kilometers.
00:26:10
Speaker
No, more like seven kilometers, Miss Elizabeth. It's part of the Tri-town area. It's close. No. Seven kilometers is a long way for a human to fly through the air and then land. Have you planned on where he's going to land and planned for a safe landing? No. Miss Elizabeth, we're focused on the launch. Once he's sky born, the rest is up to him.
00:26:34
Speaker
Okay, I'm gonna mobilize the air balloon crew and we are gonna be in that area so that when he's launched and he's in danger of falling, we are gonna snag him with one of our big butterflies now. No, you better not snag him and ruin the fun. He's in no danger of falling. It is a certainty he's going to fall.
00:26:52
Speaker
This exact sort of thing is why there is a Miss Elizabeth appreciation team. Oh, stop it. Because I save people. Because you butt in. You ruined the fun. I knew it was a mistake bringing this up. Miss Elizabeth, they spent six grand on an oversized crash helmet to fit over top of the rock lobster head. It is hilarious. He is ready to go. They're ready to go. I'm ready to watch the whole thing going down. And you want to stop us?
00:27:16
Speaker
Just try. No, no, I'm not going to stop you. Go ahead, but we are going to catch him with a giant butterfly net. No, you won't. You better not. Stay away. Consider those hot air balloons grounded. Don't worry, Sandy. We will rescue you. He doesn't need rescuing. Also, send us a secret message, Sandy. If you are doing all of this and you feel like you can't get out of it, but you really want to, send us a secret message. Ridiculous.
00:27:39
Speaker
Code word banana bus, why not? No, no. Send us a message, banana bus, we will rescue you. You're inventing this on a whole cloth, Miss Elizabeth. Move on to the next item, lest I lose my patience. This Thursday at seven o'clock, join me in the back room of Connie's Kettle as my mystery solving team, and I host a mystery solving workshop. Oh.
00:28:01
Speaker
It's an opportunity for some learning. I thought you'd lost interest in this, Miss Elizabeth. Of course not! Learn how to work as a team to gather clues, discover shocking truths, and stop supernatural foes from harming your fair town.
00:28:17
Speaker
Everytown needs a supernatural mystery-solving team. No, they do not. There's gonna be a lot of expertise shared here So go ahead and show up early. Okay, I will miss Lizbeth and I'll get the butterfly nets out and try to Round up some of you nuts Pretend time is fine
00:28:33
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth you want to have a little clubhouse and then play act that your encyclopedia brown solving mysteries That's fine with me. But as soon as you start going out there and miss Elizabeth has told tales dear listener friend If you haven't heard them before I don't think she shared one yet on Hello, Smilton But on our previous show the smile syndicate music hour the spiritual forebearer of this show She told us many times about her and her mystery crew going out making trouble in town harassing people rescuing
00:28:59
Speaker
the town, saving people, stopping villainous foes right in their tracks. I think there's an upcoming mystery story, so stay tuned. Well, I'll tell you as well, when you come, you don't have to bring anything except your gorgeous self to come to this workshop. Don't flatter, dear listener friend.
00:29:17
Speaker
But if you want to, you can bring some of your own red string and some push pins. Yeah, that's the thing. You got to gather those clues. Yeah. And the type of five by seven card you use is of the utmost paramount. Oh, let me tell you, we're going to discuss that. It definitely is, Jason. Okay. Can I tell you about something real that you should be doing instead?
00:29:36
Speaker
Well, don't imply that what I just said isn't real. It's okay. Dear listener friend, uh, Thursday at seven o'clock, silly time. If you got the patience, you got the stomach for it, knock it, fill your boots, but I think you should do this instead. So I'm hearing a bunch of rumors. Uh, I heard, uh, these goofy college kids, uh, are planning to streak, do a streaking prank and harvest their square on Sunday afternoon. Okay.
00:30:00
Speaker
uh nudity is a big theme here in smileton there's a lot of people who like to just take their clothes off yeah normally ivy they don't even care if it's winter normally i'd be on the phone right away to the authorities saying shut that stuff down but i don't need to this time because i also heard a rumor that prank squad x knows about it okay and there may be a response so prank squad x does diabolically clever fifth grade pranksters ten years old and the end and they have the most unbelievable skill when it comes to prank in this town okay
00:30:28
Speaker
Oh man, Miss Elizabeth, the mind boggles at what this scene could end up being. So come on down, watch the fireworks, keep it on the DL. Well, it's not on the DL now, it's on the show. I just said keep it on the DL because I don't want to ruin anything. We don't want these streakers getting the idea that their cover's been blown because if I know Prank Squad X,
00:30:46
Speaker
those guys are gonna get arrested, those streakers, they're gonna get rounded up by Interpol, they're gonna get entombed for months somewhere, I don't know, I'm just trying to imagine what these pranksters are gonna do to them, but it's gonna be over the top, it's gonna be crazy. And these college kids are probably feeling so cocky, and they feel as though they don't have anything to fear from Prank Squad X because they're a bunch of kids, but let me tell you,
00:31:09
Speaker
There's never been a more professional group of pranks. You've got to take cover when the prank starts going down because these streakers are in for a world of hurt. It's better to make friends with Prank Squad X, that's for sure. Absolutely. Dear listener friend, I know your calendar is considered full. That is around town. That's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of stuff going on in Smilton. That's coming up at Miss Elizabeth. I'm looking at the clock. You've got to tell us all about what's been going on here in Smilton because it's six o'clock and time four.
00:31:38
Speaker
Smile to News with Miss Elizabeth. Good evening, Smileson. Let's talk about some news. Snowball Calyps later? The annual tradition of the communities of the Tri-town area getting together to have a snowball fight led by their respective Snow Queens saw some disruption this year. It did, Miss Elizabeth, because it didn't happen if you want to collect disruption.
00:32:04
Speaker
After being delayed until the new year, a kickoff ceremony was held last Saturday in Smiles and Attended by Smiles and Mayor Patti Pepper along with Gowers Gulch Mayor Goody Goodstone and Pickle Hills Acting Mayor Jackie Jackson. This year's Snow Queens were the unholy trinity.
00:32:24
Speaker
Yeah, well, okay. That's how you feel about the Mayors of the Tritown area? Yeah, I do, Miss Elizabeth. Corrupt, inept, a pox on these towns, Miss Elizabeth, the Tritown area. I'm not of the revolutionary streak, but I think we've got to throw these bums out. That's our leadership right there. I know, Miss Elizabeth. This year's Snow Queens were announced and were met with a storm of protest from the assembled crowd. The Mayors don't pick the Snow Queens. They're upsetting decades of tradition, Miss Elizabeth.
00:32:54
Speaker
Yeah, they did it the wrong way and enraged townspeople already irked by the events postponement, unleashed their fury on the dignitaries, and their snow queen puppets, they considered them to be snow queen puppets because they were not properly elected. That's right. And barrage them with an avalanche of snow in the form of snowballs. There's your snowball collapse right there.
00:33:19
Speaker
A harried Patti Pepper subsequently called a press conference to announce that the event would return to its December timeframe, meaning a year from now. Yeah, giving a lot of time. It's snow queens chosen by the traditional methods and the three newest snow queens would be stripped of their sashions. Good. A little bit of justice.
00:33:41
Speaker
That's very extreme, though, as an action, to strip someone of their sassy feet. They aren't the real... They're fake Snow Queens, Miss Elizabeth. Rick the Stick Jefferies! You could just decommission them. You don't have to strip them of their sassy feet. Rick the Stick Jefferies was a Snow Queen. And we dispatched of him. We told that story in previous episodes. Come on. You saw. Okay, I'll let you finish, but you should have been enraged by who the Smilton Snow Queen was. Yeah, okay. As the mayor concluded, she asked that this whole business just be forgotten about.
00:34:10
Speaker
Yeah, she'd like that.
00:34:12
Speaker
As reporters tore up their notes and destroyed their video footage, Pepper clarified that she meant that the changes to the snowball fight be forgotten, not the announcement that she just made. Super confusing. But I don't know why the reporters are obeying. They don't have to obey. The mayor had to then repeat her whole statement to the confused press corps. This is why you have to do the news, Ms. Elizabeth, because the press in this town is absolutely terrible.
00:34:42
Speaker
Yeah, they're listening a little bit too much to the leadership. They don't be. They don't understand, Ms. Elizabeth. Yeah. This reporter as the true Smilton Snow Queen holds no grudges and looks forward to serving her community with style and grace next year. Okay. Do you see what happens when we upset tradition? Smilton Snow Queen always used to be a man, and I proudly step forward and serve the town.
00:35:09
Speaker
And despite Miss Elizabeth coming in late in the day to save the day, we were victorious in our snowball fight. Now anybody can be a Snow Queen, including- Right, anybody can be now. And you see what chaos this is causing. You became Snow Queen and the whole world's gone to hell. Well, that's not the question about who can be the Snow Queen. It has to be somebody duly elected. I was duly elected by huge acclaim. Everybody wanted me to be the Snow Queen. I would step down if that's what people wanted.
00:35:37
Speaker
They do want it, Miss Elizabeth, and they want me restored to the throne or somebody else because it's weird how these situations keep creeping up and you keep extending your reign. I gotta admit, though, you being Snow Queen for another year is preferable to Patti Pepper's niece, Amber Pepper. Such nepotism is nauseating, Miss Elizabeth.
00:35:55
Speaker
Yeah, it's a corrupt system, Jason. And Pickle Hills, Jackie Jackson, she's acting quote unquote mayor because they're mayor, so out of it, he's just letting her run the town. She named herself Snow Queen. Can you like, even Patty Pepper wouldn't be so bold. Well, I'm glad we're restoring the snowball clips to its proper place and we'll run it like a proper inter-town snowball fight. Next year, we'll be back with the nice snowball clips. It'll be fun. Get ready to laugh this summer.
00:36:22
Speaker
Oh, get ready to laugh. Get ready to laugh. Smileton is known as being a festival town, and this spring we'll see a whole new festival added to our already impressive roster of festivals,
Smileton's New Ventures & Announcements
00:36:34
Speaker
Jason. We don't need more festivals. Well, maybe we don't need them, but we want them. If we add one, we have to get rid of two.
00:36:41
Speaker
Well, the Smileton Comedy Festival of Laughs is the brainchild of local comic Zane Zaney. And if his press releases any indication, we're in for a lot of trouble. Of the hilarious variety. Miss Elizabeth. My stomach. It's turning already.
00:37:05
Speaker
But that's one sound you won't be hearing during the Smilton Comedy Festival of Laughs. According to Zaini, Smilton has always been a hotbed for stand-up comedy and offering its stages to talent from the world over will catapult our town to the forefront of comedy hotspots.
00:37:23
Speaker
We're a hot bed and he wants to turn it into a hot spot? That's right. Why don't we just turn the fire hose on it, Miss Elizabeth, and calm down on this comedy stuff? Speaking to this reporter over a Zoom call, Zaini, after prompting me to name an occupation, improvised being a doctor who didn't know which end of the stethoscope is up. Side-splitting. That was far funnier than my suggestion that he be a prison guard.
00:37:48
Speaker
He prompted you for an improv and then didn't do what you asked. He did the one about the stethoscope instead. Right, that's prepared material because I saw him doing it in an open mic and it was as painfully unfunny then as you describe now. It definitely was prepared material. But the audience liked it.
00:38:04
Speaker
Further announcements will be made in the coming weeks and speculation is already running wild about which comedy stars will be coming to Smileton. My sides are already hurting, Jason. Yeah, my stomach's already hurting. Oh no. Can you imagine anything less funny than this? Did you have too much pasta? No.
00:38:21
Speaker
Maybe you went to- Miss Elizabeth, what are you talking about? If your stomach is hurting, maybe you went to the spaghetti buffet. It's upset. It's anticipating being violently ill from this alleged comedy festival. I can't imagine we're going to get a bunch of people together who think they're funny, who are actually horrible hacks, and they're just going to pollute the town that little bit more with their capering. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, can we just not just shut that down, get in front of the problem and nip it in the bud right now?
00:38:50
Speaker
Even if they're not funny, I do enjoy a solid caper. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, we're so different, you and I. Turning now to the world of sports. Let's run down the scores for the Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey League. No, you're talking my language, Miss Elizabeth. I was starting to feel like I never wanted to do this show again. And here you go, pulling me up by the suspenders back into the sunlight.
00:39:16
Speaker
The Grimy Grabbers put their hands all over the Smilton Community Theatre players and emerged with an 8-1 victory. Normally, I don't like the Grimy Grabbers. I don't like that style of play. But the Community Theatre players had it, had their trouble in spades. It was hilarious. It was an entertaining game. I couldn't have been more happy. I've butted heads with those Community Theatre people before. You sure have. They did a play about me called the, what was it? The Ignoramus?
00:39:44
Speaker
Yeah, it was featuring a character that was clearly based on you. Consider this a little bit of a comeuppance. There was no one in the crowd cheering louder than me when the grimy grabbers got to work.
00:39:54
Speaker
The Smilton Community Outreach Association was more animal than man and brutalized the gussied ups in front of an appalled crowd. The gussied ups may never be the same after falling 5-0 and the League is apparently investigating footage of this game for possible disciplinary action.
00:40:14
Speaker
My range of appreciation for Northside Community Street hockey is unbounded, but even this was outside of those bounds. A bit much, yeah. It was brutality that rarely rears its head when the tennis ball gets dropped on that road. The Community Outreach Association is supposed to help people. Isn't that their day job? I don't know why they become raging psychopaths when that tennis ball drops. It was off-putting. It was just sheer brutality.
00:40:40
Speaker
gussied ups were just fed into the meat grinder and the whole crowd just covered their mouths and some people were sick, Miss Elizabeth. Oh no. But that's street hockey for you.
00:40:50
Speaker
The dorks of Mordor shocked the pundits and battled the shambolic googly-eyed blastardos to a 3-3 draw. Now what the deuce is going on here? Yeah, no resolution there, Jason. Well, for one thing, there should have been a lopsided victory in favor of the googly-eyed blastardos. Guys, you're acting like you're supposed to be the next big thing in this league. And you're dropping, I'm calling it, you're dropping a tie to the dorks of Mordor.
00:41:18
Speaker
Those nerds, they shouldn't even be in the league, Miss Elizabeth. They're a farm team at best. Well, they're here now and they're here to stay, Jason. 3-3 is an embarrassment, googly-eyed, blastardos, come on. You gotta get your act together. The flapjack freakazoids and the Jennifer Conleys played what many are calling the greatest mountain Northside community street hockey game ever. Excitement was so high that no one can remember the resulting score.
00:41:43
Speaker
I mean, I can't either, Miss Elizabeth. I was in such a frenzy that whole game, just screaming. I could barely see straight. No one in the crowd knew what the devil was going on. You have to go back to the books and see what actually happened. What a game. What a game. I hope somebody recorded it on their phone because we don't even know how to put it in the record books right now.
00:42:00
Speaker
Yeah, the Golden Gates Bible College strode a righteous path straight into a crushing eleven to two defeat at the hands of the F-Dub hockey boys. Well, that was unexpected, Jason. No one was calling for a lopsided victory in this match. It was going to be tight checking, tough game. The goals were going to be very rare. Normally, they are not known for their careful preparation, but they picked those Bible College boys apart. They did.
00:42:27
Speaker
This was an undoing of a previously strong team, and I just hope the Bible College boys can recover from this, because the Golden Gates Bible College has been making a name for themselves for a number of years now in the league. They're a strong team, Jason. And the F-ed up hockey boys are kind of coming out of nowhere here to take them down a peg or two, and this is why you watch the Smilton Northside community street hockey. You never know what's going to happen. What an amazing result. And finally, this reporter has a special shout out for a friend of the show.
00:42:56
Speaker
Jim, a longtime listener and frequent Smileton visitor, and I believe he is a Smileton citizen, actually has announced that he will be opening a business right here in our town, and local hovercraft enthusiasts will finally have a way to get their custom rides built local. Local business is so important, Jason. Yeah, I think Pickle Hills has probably cheaper leases. Jim, if you just want to kind of move on over to that town, probably don't need
00:43:25
Speaker
any more hovercrafts in this town? According to Jim, Lovercraft will offer the finest custom hovercrafts and give Smilton hovercrafters or lovercrafters a way to express themselves with lovercrafts that tell the world out of my way world I'm lovercrafting here.
00:43:44
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, can I just stop you right there? Sure. Jim, can I tell you to redirect your resources in a better direction? I love that name. I find it headache inducing. Really? Okay. Because it makes me want to go to the store and just see what they've got. It's so positive.
00:43:59
Speaker
says our creative hovercrafter, I've been floating on air ever since I got into hovercrafting, and if there's anything more exciting than getting in a chase scenario and leaving your pursuers to the edge of a lake and then have their jaws drop as you continue on your merry way right across that lake as they sit there, shorebound, I haven't seen it.
00:44:20
Speaker
I can't wait to build custom hovercrafts for the good people of Smileton. If you've got wheels on the ground, you ain't getting nowhere. I hear you, Jim.
00:44:31
Speaker
Yeah, I'm definitely on board the hovercraft. I'm not Miss Elizabeth. He's every time he comes to town driving that huge hovercraft belching black smoke. It sounds like a thunderstorm is happening. Well, they are loud crashing into things knocking stuff over. Everyone's applauding and grinning and waving and he's just causing such a ruckus and a scene.
00:44:50
Speaker
I know because whatever's chaotic around him on the hovercraft itself, he is a Zen human. He is just very still and he's smiling and he's waving. We got enough zany vehicles in town as hot air balloons and dune buggies and hovercrafts and cars that look like lasagna and other food items. Ginger beef. It's madness. You can't even go outside without thinking you're on some kind of weird trip.
00:45:17
Speaker
Just make sure that the hovercraft you build for me has plenty of pep. That's it for this edition of the Smiles and News. I'm Miss Elizabeth. Good night out of sight. Hard-hitting headlines, Miss Elizabeth. Thank you so much for the update. My blood pressure is creeping upward throughout the duration of this show. I need a little bit of something to bring me back down to Earth. Time to listen to an awesome song then. Rasputin, let's go.
00:46:40
Speaker
There is a certain man in Russia long ago. He was big and strong in his eyes of flaming blue. Most people looked at him with terror and with fear. Our two Moscow chicks, he was such an ugly deer. He could preach the Bible like a creature full of ecstasy and fire.
00:47:08
Speaker
There was a cat that really was gone Raw, raw, Rasputin, Russia's greatest bus machine It was a shame how he carried on
00:47:32
Speaker
He moved the Russian land, and never mind his art. But because of Chuck, he danced freely over the bar. In all affairs of state, he was the man to be. But he was real great when he had a girl to squeeze for the party.
00:47:58
Speaker
Rah-rah-ruh-ruh-deen, lover of the Russian queen There was a cat that really was gone Rah-rah-ruh-ruh-deen, Russia's greatest love machine It was a shame how he carried on But when his drinking, his lusting, and his hunger for power Became known to more and more people The demands to do something about this outrageous man grew louder and louder and louder
00:48:43
Speaker
His master's gotta go and cleanse his enemies But the lady's bank, don't you try to do it please No doubt this right routine had lots of hidden charms Though he was a brute, they just fell into his arms Then one night something a while standing said a trap and off to blame
00:49:08
Speaker
Rarara's routine lover of the rushing queen They put some poison into his wine Rarara's routine rushed his greatest love machine He drank it all and said I feel fine Rarara's routine lover of the rushing queen They didn't quit, they wanted his head Rarara's routine rushed his greatest love machine And so they shocked him till he was dead Oh my goodness
00:49:42
Speaker
Resputin. I'm Smiles Syndicate, right here on Hello, Smileton. Wow. A cover of a boney M classic. Yeah, energizing. That's a stomper, Miss Elizabeth. Really gets me going. I love watching people dance to Resputin. Well, I do that Ukrainian or Russian dancing. Yeah, I don't think you should be dancing. No, I think you should be sitting with your hands folded gently in your lap and you just nod your head a little bit and just appreciate the music. That's the proper way to listen to music, Miss Elizabeth. Jump up and down, jump up, jump up and get down.
00:50:08
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, we're well into the new year. We're steaming full steam ahead. We're going to be coming back next week with another all new episode of Hello Smilton. Yeah, let's meet back here. Same time, same place. I just try and stop. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out.
00:50:25
Speaker
That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as you can. The world needs more Smileton, so spread the word. Make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember, friend, the sun is a jukebox.