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Infinite Romance Is The Most Romantic Romance image

Infinite Romance Is The Most Romantic Romance

E69 · Hello, Smileton
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40 Plays9 months ago

Holy smokes! Talk about entertainment! The latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON is DYNAMITE!

Miss Elizabeth and Jason are broadcasting from Smileton, the podcasting capital of the world. And their blend of comedy and original music capering is sure to give you that turbo-powered surge of joy you need to power you through the upcoming week.

In the brand new DEATH METAL UPDATE, Miss Elizabeth presents the news from the screwball world of death metal, Jason's protests notwithstanding.

A SMILETON NORTHSIDE COMMUNITY STREET HOCKEY LEAGUE INJURY REPORT will give you the full rundown of the injuries plaguing some of Smileton's best street hockey players. Place your bets accordingly!

And the latest SMILETON COMMUNITY MESSAGE BOARD will vex, trouble and baffle even the most stoic observer. We certainly have a motley assortment of characters in this town and they're not shy about letting their freak flags fly.

Two tracks by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE will make you happy there's such a thing as music.

HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.


Show Timestamps:

1:53 Death Metal Update

14:13 Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report

21:10 SONG – Dirt Bike

23:55 Smileton Community Message Board

36:52 SONG – Who Is That Over There Shimmying?

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Transcript

Introduction and Audience Distraction

00:00:04
Speaker
Hello, Smiles and welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smiles in Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason. Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. I'm excited to do a show with you today. Big day. Boy, they're starting early. Studio audience. They're excited. Yeah.
00:00:29
Speaker
Apparently not about this show. Dear listener friend, before I start screaming at the audience, dear listener friend, let me welcome you to the show. Thanks so much for tuning in. We're going to have fun today for sure. Even if the studio audience
00:00:48
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, why am I addressing them? They can't hear me. They can't hear you right now. Dear listener friend, you can't see up there, but let me tell you what's going on. They all have VR headsets on.

Audience Sabotage Speculation?

00:01:00
Speaker
They're enjoying their own content, completely separate from this show, so we're just going to have to listen to them laugh and dance and sing their way through a fun time that has nothing to do with our show. Their happiness brings me joy. What are they doing here? They had to get organized. They each brought their own VR headset. This was planned. This is sabotage.

Promised Comedy and Music Lineup

00:01:22
Speaker
It's crazy. Maybe their show's done and they can finally pay some attention.
00:01:29
Speaker
See, I told you those VR headsets would be a ruin of us all. I feel like we missed something. I feel like we missed a show. Dear listener friend, this is the most bizarre way to start a podcast complaining about the studio audience, but they left me no choice. Let me tell you, we're going to have fun today. Original comedy music caper and dancing all the way

Death Metal Update: Controversies and Trends

00:01:49
Speaker
through this show. I'm excited. It's a big day for me, Jason.
00:02:06
Speaker
Yeah, it definitely is what they need, what they want, what they've been demanding.
00:02:11
Speaker
Okay, we'll hit the music. We're going to present Death Metal Update against my better judgment. I'm going to spare you, dear listener friend. Go back to past episodes to hear me complain about Death Metal Update. I admit it makes no sense for us to do it on this show. Okay, so you're not a Death Metal fan. I'm not. This is baggage that we carry with us that we should just throw over the side of the riverboat and be done with it.
00:02:32
Speaker
It's a cultural phenomenon. It happens to be huge here in Smileson. It happens to make everybody super happy. Let's get through it as quickly and as pingsy as possible. There's a lot, so I'm going to have to take my time here. Filming for the latest season of the hit reality show, The Death Metal Bachelor, is set to kick off next month, Jason. And a Smileson resident is going to be at the center of this whirlwind of undead romance.
00:02:58
Speaker
No one needs to see that.

Reality TV Absurdities: Fake Castle Drama

00:03:00
Speaker
Count Veliphia, a death metal legend both as a solo act and as a founding member of Slimebride, will be the target of dead-souled maidens of the infinite tomb who will be seeking his flesh-clutching hand in marriage. Wow.
00:03:19
Speaker
Again, somebody had to pitch this show and some brainless network executive had to say, sounds good, put it on TV. Infinite romance is the most romantic romance, Jason. Flesh clutching. Says the Count, Miss Elizabeth, this is going to be fun. We'll all be staying in this crumbling castle somewhere in Romania.
00:03:41
Speaker
we couldn't get permission to use a real castle so the show built one on the cheap and it's actually dangerous and we all had to sign waivers. That sounds all right. I feel like you have to sign waivers in any castle scenario though Jason. Nowadays no castle is really super safe.
00:04:00
Speaker
No. What are you doing messing around in castles anyway? Yeah. Anyway, I'll be going on death metal dates with these ladies and that's about it. Again, this is just a crummy ripoff of The Bachelor. It's not crummy. It's crumbling. Well, okay. It's sticking the words death metal in front of it. It doesn't change anything. How dumb do death metal people

Death Metal Culture Critiques

00:04:19
Speaker
think we are?
00:04:19
Speaker
I don't know how this show works, actually. Something about black roses. Oh, he's got that right, Jason. I give it to them. They give to me. Who knows? I'd rather stay home and work on my macrame if I'm being honest. Go with your instincts, Count. He's a homebody, but he needs to find love. Do it the old-fashioned way.
00:04:39
Speaker
firmly believes true love will claw its way out of its untimely tomb and be the real star of this televisual feast. I can't wait. My video recorder is set to record. So this piece of crap is going to be floating across the airwaves, and you're partly responsible for it, Miss Elizabeth, because you're part of this receptive audience that encourages this kind of crappy entertainment. Well, I have to admit, I am a fan.
00:05:05
Speaker
Inexplicable. There's no possible way you could be good. I'm a big fan. It's fun and it's life-affirming. How could you not be a fan of the fun life-affirming things in life? You use words in different ways than I do. After years of dormancy, the smiles and death metal fun run makes its return this May. Make sure that your face paint has sunscreen in it. Put on your clogs and don your cloaks as you make this spooky 5K run not just fun but also good for you.
00:05:32
Speaker
York Flernstadt, local death metal entrepreneur, visionary sage, wise one, property developer, seer and sage, is thrilled to be hitting the road once again. You're a good buddy, York. We haven't heard about York for a little while.
00:05:48
Speaker
He says, it's about darn time, Miss Elizabeth. We should never go this long without having the fun run ever again. This time it's going to be the most fun fun run yet. What if I told you I hired a bunch of buses and I'm importing 900 people from Saskatchewan to dress up as zombies and chase us as part of the run. One of them might even win the race.
00:06:17
Speaker
Because they're part of the race, imagine that. Strangely, I'm not excited by this at all. You'll be excited when you're being chased by a zombie. Oh, let them try. I'm running around the block to train, and I'm planning on actually finishing this year. Mark my words. Oh, yeah. Your bringing the fun run back to Smileson makes you a winner already. Again, more reckless encouragement. This is why we end up with these silly things. Imagine 900 people coming here on a bus dressed up as a zombie to take part in a fun run. It is going to be fun. But I feel foolish even saying the words.
00:06:46
Speaker
Well, it would be so much more fun to run away from a not a real zombie than to run away from an actual zombie. Why don't you just run for the sheer athletic competition of it and the sheer striving for excellence? Why don't you do that as part of this fun run, Jason? I will. I'll just go running away from the fun run. I won't participate. I'm not going to pay the entry fee and I'm not wearing any costume. No clogs, no cloaks. That's a good point. You should just be able to participate in any in any run that's on public grounds after all.
00:07:15
Speaker
Yeah. Why not? Again, do you mean the death metal update to be this thing that just triggers on we and quiet despair in the listening audience? You don't like it, but everybody else likes it. I get so much feedback. I get positive feedback. The feedback I hear is just thumbs down.
00:07:32
Speaker
Okay, that might just be me I don't know I get that a lot I got more and this this might turn things upside down for you Okay, so new releases this week, but are you ready see? New music is not valued these days. It's everywhere. It's for free. No one places any importance on it anymore.
00:07:49
Speaker
You're going to love this. Surely there's enough death metal music in existence to satiate even the most rabid, rabid, cannibal music listener. But there's always new

Local Sports Mishaps and Injuries

00:07:59
Speaker
ones coming out such as Corpse Bog. Corpse Bog brings us Funky Dirty Dog featuring the Dirty Dog Funk Crew. That's going to be funky. Boy, am I not curious about that one.
00:08:00
Speaker
Oh
00:08:15
Speaker
Okay, so next, Bones of the Shaman. They bring us Crypt Dance Funk Daddy. I'm not even gonna ask why. Now they're on to Funk. I don't know. There's a Funk theme. Well, it's not every... They chase every trend. Like, somebody gets the bright idea that we need to do Death Metal Funk and then suddenly you have 18 bands clamoring to join the parade.
00:08:34
Speaker
No, there's some editorializing happening here. I have specifically sought out the particularly funky ones for your entertainment. I have blamed you. Every time you do new releases, I blame you for it. And it wasn't me. This is just the way the industry goes. I'm just an objective observer. Now you admit to meddling in the public's perceptions.
00:08:53
Speaker
It's not meddling, it's just bringing the theme together. You know, I try to have a concerted effort to making this, you know, all make sense and rational. Build it together for you. Okay. Viscera times seven. Brings us viscera times seven meets the queen of funk, Alicia Green, the funky queen. Again, there's more funk to be had.
00:09:17
Speaker
You can't say the word funk enough, apparently. Throw the torso to the dogs brings us, and you know you do like that band. I like that band. You'd like that band, too. I doubt it. They bring us Funk in Orbit, a funk Odyssey 3,000 years in the making. That sounds like a late 70s disco album. It's a little bit Space Odyssey, if I'm honest. I'd rather. Bungled Hex brings us warm your ass near the funk furnace. I will do no such thing. I think you might, though. I'm keeping clear of the funk furnace.
00:09:47
Speaker
I think you might get a little close and start getting some funk in here. No funk in my trunk? Forget it, Miss Elizabeth. F the funk furnace. Just like the all-seeing eyes of the beast with the all-seeing thousand eyes, my death metal spies. The tortured syntax, Miss Elizabeth. Was it? I thought it made perfect sense. Okay.
00:10:07
Speaker
My death metal spies see everything and any misbehaving death metal celebrities are going to have their naughtiness told to all those above and below the ground in the latest death metal tattler.
00:10:22
Speaker
So I have some news for you. You got some salacious gossip to share about these creeps and cretins in the death metal world? I almost can't contain myself. Sailor Crypt, who needs no introduction, has been enchanting her millions of fans known as Crypties for years. So I don't get what people see in her.
00:10:42
Speaker
Really? Well, she's gorgeous. She's talented. She's extremely rich. She's powerful. You're still not hitting on anything for you there? No sale. No sale? OK, well, no sale or a crypt for you then, I guess. No. She's been on magazine covers on every TV show and has even starred in her own concert movie. She's starred in that thing. What else can she do to entertain us all? How about date a lacrosse player?
00:11:10
Speaker
This is part of her romantic story. You see, death metal and romance, they go hand in hand. These people never have enough. She's a cultural vandal and she's not satisfied with that. She needs to go and contaminate other areas of entertainment. My spies tell me that Sailor went undercover to watch her new boyfriend, Aldous Gravesmasher, play in a match, pitting his smile to crunch against the Pickle Hills smash. Crunchy smash. Yeah, lacrosse.
00:11:40
Speaker
That's right. While death metal fans may have been enthralled as the death metal lovebirds batted eyes at each other, lacrosse fans saw red as a distractive grave smasher repeatedly made mistakes that caused the crunch to fall behind in their game. Criminally irresponsible.
00:11:59
Speaker
That's criminally is going a bit far. The guy belongs in jail. He signed a contract to try hard for the Smilton Crunch and he's getting distracted by this, this narrative. Okay. That contract does not have ownership over his heart.
00:12:18
Speaker
It doesn't. Matters were made worse when Sailor dashed onto the field to give her honey a quick peck on the cheek. It was so cute. And caused him to become entangled in her cloak. Yeah. So she's on the field interfering in an in-progress match? Wardrobe malfunction. He gave the ball away, tore something in his knee, and is now expected to be out six to eight weeks. Yeah, she had the damages. She should be in jail too. Smiled and crunched are relying on that guy.
00:12:47
Speaker
What do you mean in jail, too? They're not in jail. They're like holed up together, recovering. Okay, well, what are fans of Lacrosse supposed to do in the meantime? Well, fans- No one gives a flying fart about their relationship. Fans became enraged. Yes. Just like you're becoming, and they- They're here. They stormed the field, chasing the duo through the surrounding neighborhood. There we go. Which was awkward with that bad knee of his.
00:13:11
Speaker
When true love needs to express itself, Lacrosse has to take a back seat. Well, I think so anyway. I guess you'd call me a cryptie at heart, Jason. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know why you treat Lacrosse with such cavalier frivolousness.
00:13:32
Speaker
Well, I don't. It's just that I think that love is more important even than lacrosse. It isn't. Let us close the cursed tome on this edition of the Death Metal Update. Well, we got through that fairly quickly, Miss Elizabeth, and I have to commend you for really putting the focus on the criminal irresponsibility and anti-social tendencies of that cultural movement. They don't care about lacrosse. They don't care about reality TV shows. They'll put their muck on everything.
00:14:00
Speaker
Well, they care about true love, and life, and of course the eternal damnation component of life, which is part of life. I don't know what you're saying, Miss Elizabeth. What a baffling statement. Dear listener friend, you have a headache. Yeah, so do I. Get some Advil. I'll wait. But in the meantime, I'm going to prep myself because we're going to turn to something that'll clear the clouds and get that headache gone.
00:14:26
Speaker
right away. Okie dokie. Ok, so you want to talk about ruin lacrosse? Well fortunately there's a sport in town that is yet to be ruined by Death Metal and I can only be talking about Smilton Northside Community Street Hockey. That's because Death Metal doesn't actually ruin things. Death Metal has participated in the Northside Community Street Hockey. I know and then they formed their own league and they're off in their own cubby hole leaving us alone which is good and then the things can stay that way. Ok fine.
00:14:49
Speaker
So, uh, I'm going to give you some information about the league. Well, we all love the games. We all love watching them. And many of us apparently love betting way too much money on these games. So you really got to understand who's in the roster, who's out, who's hurt. This is why we're bringing you the North side swamps and North side community street hockey injury update.
00:15:09
Speaker
Plus, it can be entertaining to find out what's happened to people.
00:15:26
Speaker
Mickey Brightlights, he's a defenseman for the magical mangoes. Oh boy, the league can't afford their flashy superstars missing games due to injuries, so fingers crossed Brightlights is back soon after separating his shoulder after freaking out while he was playing a first-person zombie VR game.
00:15:45
Speaker
He freaked out while playing a zombie. He was a first-person shooter VR game. He's being chased by zombies, which apparently is supposed to be a fun component of the fun run you were telling us about earlier. We'll look at here. This guy's playing a VR game, freaked out and hurt himself. Now he can't play street hockey. What a waste of talent. It's going to work much better for Mickey Bright Lights if he's running away from zombies, not in his living room. If he's actually running down the street, that'll be more fun.
00:16:13
Speaker
No, there's no parsing your way out of this one. Pretending to be chased by zombies whether on a VR headset or in real life is a bad idea. I like it. Mickey Bright Lights has way more to offer the world than this foolishness and he should have been keeping himself in prime plane condition.
00:16:28
Speaker
Do you know, Jason, I have an app that actually gives me the sound of zombies chasing me and it makes me run faster. And then when I make my distance between myself and the zombies, then they quiet down and I get to rest. And then when they get louder, then they're really close and I have to run faster again. So having an actual zombie chase me will actually be refreshing. Guess what I do when zombies chase me? It's going to be more fun. I turn right around and cave that thing's head in. They're stupid, Miss Liz, but they're easy to beat in a fight. We'll be a good team.
00:16:59
Speaker
swift grissom left wing for that's a big negatory he got drunk when he was bowling and got clocked right in the mush by a pin boy he was jawing at so he got a broken jaw he's out four to six weeks
00:17:11
Speaker
OK, so that's a big negative. He can't afford that either. He's been a hot shot. He's been storming up that left wing. He's been getting goals left, right and center. That tennis ball is on fire when it's on his stick. Foolishness. Yeah. Why are you getting drunk at bowling? They don't even serve booze there. Yeah. You see, this wasn't like a sports injury. This is this is things that are happening to your people when they're out on the town or doing silly things.
00:17:34
Speaker
They're injuries that affect the game! What do you mean? Oh, Miss Elizabeth, it hurts my heart to report this one, jock!
00:17:43
Speaker
He's the goalie for the pants down party patrol. We've heard from Jock on this show before. He's quite the ladies man. He's not right in the head now after taking a tennis ball to the temple during a game last week. He was chatting up some girl in the crowd. He wasn't paying attention. I don't think he's concussed. The doctors are pretty baffled.

Musical Feature: 'Dirt Bike' by Smiles Syndicate

00:18:00
Speaker
They're confused now. Why wasn't he wearing his helmet? Because he's a ladies man, Miss Elizabeth. He has to look good for the ladies.
00:18:07
Speaker
So he took the helmet off and kind of swished his hair around and got knocked in the noggin. Yeah, he was talking up some bird. Okay. He's out for one to two weeks while the medical establishment figures out what's going on. So it's worrying news about jock. Okay. Rest up, get better, buddy. Buster Brock, Center for the Smilton Community Outreach Association. That's Lance's nephew, Miss Elizabeth, if you were wondering. Okay.
00:18:30
Speaker
Uh, number one pick in last year's entry draft. He's a complete maniac. Uh, he attacked members of the Smiling Green Grocers at the draft when he was picked by the Smileton Community Outreach Association. So he fit right in on that team. You know, those community outreach types are just psychopaths when they get on the road. Yeah. Vicious. That's not even street hockey they're playing. It's just assault and battery. Yeah.
00:18:53
Speaker
So he'll be out for six to eight weeks because of a broken hip sustained when he jumped off a balcony wearing skates onto a backyard rink. Wow. So that was kind of a silly stunt to pull and he paid for it. He jumped off a balcony wearing skates. And then he tried to jump onto a rink, but he slipped. What kind of skates? Like winter skates? Yeah, he jumped onto a backyard skating rink from a height, a balcony. Yeah, I don't see that working.
00:19:19
Speaker
No, you can't land on skates from a height, Miss Lisbon. It's a crazy thing to have attempted, but the intensity that guy brings to every corner of his life just makes me smile and makes me say, keep going, buddy. Heal that hip up so you can do more crazy stuff in the future. Broken hip, though. I'm surprised it's a hip and not an ankle.
00:19:37
Speaker
He'll be back in six to eight weeks. How old is he? He's young. He's just like 18 or something. He's drafted recently. Broke his hip? My goodness. Well, there's no give on ice and those skates are not meant to bear your full weight with that kind of force. He's lucky to have gotten off with a messed up hip. Yeah, maybe he should stop playing for a while, like until he's in his 40s. Six to eight weeks.
00:20:01
Speaker
Oh, brother. Guy Gremmines Forstow. I can't take the name, Miss. Forstow. Guy Gremmines? That's gotta be made of. Guy Gremmines. Guy Gremmines Forstow. He's a defenseman, apparently, for the Greater Smilton Pottery Guild. He crashed his skidoo into a dump truck.
00:20:18
Speaker
He came away with only a sprained wrist day-to-day. What do you think of that Miss? That's amazing. That's amazing. Good on you Guy Gremenies. Change that name because it sucks. Because if he's part of the Greater Smilton Pottery Guild, I want to know does he actually make pottery? I'm interested in the pottery. Oh, of course you are. But apparently a sprained wrist and that actually affects the pottery.
00:20:37
Speaker
It affects his game playing. He's a defenseman. He's got to be able to get that tennis ball out of the zone. He's got a breakup place. He's got to keep that slot empty, Miss Elizabeth. Well, that's the injury report. Place your bets accordingly, dear listener friend. And while you're planning your parlays and your big over underscores, let's tune in. Here we go to the Smilton radio. Let's play a hit song by the Smiles Syndicate based right here in Smilton. Here we go.

Community Updates and Rivalries

00:21:07
Speaker
Here's a good track.
00:21:07
Speaker
dirt bike let's go
00:21:42
Speaker
I'm gonna use my dirt bike, dirt bike I'm gonna use my dirt bike
00:22:12
Speaker
Dirt bike, you gotta love my dirt bike Dirt bike, you gotta love my dirt bike
00:23:25
Speaker
If you want to know the way down the road,
00:23:32
Speaker
Dirt bike. Smile Syndicate right here in Hello, Smile Syndicate. Yeah, if you have a dirt bike, if you're a dirt bike guy or gal, you love that dirt bike. It's a metaphor. It becomes a part of you. It's the dirt bike, Miss Elizabeth. It's the thing that gives you the will to go on and you got to get married on that thing and take it to the grave with you and do all other kinds of stuff and pop some wheelies on it. You're right. Yeah.
00:23:55
Speaker
Well, Smilton, it's a rich community. It's vibrant, full of characters. They all do their own podcasts. So why are they hassling us? Well, we have some messages from them. Exactly. We turn the show over to them frequently to present Smilton Community Message Board. Kind of like a community hub. It's unchosen, particularly by me. By you. I didn't mean for this show to become such a hub to Smilton's social life. I facilitate it. That's why it happens.
00:24:24
Speaker
Do you see the... Dear listener friend, we've been doing this show for many years, either in this form as Hello, Smileton, or previously as the Smile Syndicate Music Hour. Miss Elizabeth used to deny these things, but now she's freely admitting that she's the puppet master behind the scenes, shaping the weirdness in this town. I feel like I never denied it. I feel like you just didn't want it to be true. I'm just going to sit here and smile while I get gaslit, or maybe a better idea.
00:24:54
Speaker
is to just present the message board crazy off-putting baffling messages from our good neighbors. Miss Elizabeth, let's just get to it. OK, here's the first one. Smileton High is proud to announce that one of our students has been selected to participate in the Tri-Town Science Fair, which is happening this year on February 14th, which is Valentine's Day at the Gowers Gulch Community Center. Braden Pepper, 15, will be presenting his perpetual motion machine.
00:25:23
Speaker
So you'd better get your tickets now. This isn't a science fair. Very exciting. Perpetual motion? That's science. Is your hand box of science guy going to be there? They don't let him in that anymore. No, because... Because he keeps it too real, Miss Elizabeth. Because they've seen the hand box before. Don't call him like that. He's not the hand box. He has a box that he carries some of his science equipment on. It says ham on it. It says ham on it. Yes, I can see that.
00:25:49
Speaker
But when you think of my science buddy, you got to think of electronics boxes with wires hanging out and readouts and stuff. That's what science is. He does it in science building and he uses science to come up with astounding observations. OK, well, come for the magical machine that spits in the face of physics. Oh, OK. And stay for the laughable projects from dullards from other tri-town schools. Boy.
00:26:12
Speaker
probably some baking soda volcanoes or some, hey, let's look at a bug with a magnifying glass thing. Personally, Jason, I think those two things are also just as exciting as the perpetual motion machine. Yeah, this message is getting snotty. Physics said it couldn't be done, but a Smileson high schooler said, hold my beer. Amazing. From Colleen mailbox 15202.
00:26:35
Speaker
Once again, these things sound very objectionable, but... Which things? Oh, these things, like a science fair where this person is like promoting probably her own kid. It's probably her son. She's probably a pepper. Yeah, it's probably her son. Raiden Pepper, he's part of the Pepper Clan. They're the family that's ruining this town.
00:26:55
Speaker
So you think it's Colleen Pepper? You think she's marrying it? It is Colleen, it's got to be Colleen Pepper. Her ne'er-do-well son, there's no way this perpetual motion machine is real. And she's making fun of actual projects that at least obey the laws of physics. There's no breaking the laws of physics. If he did a perpetual motion machine, then that's part of physics. He didn't. She says this thing spits in the face of physics. The only thing getting spat on in the face is common sense.
00:27:22
Speaker
This Saturday, it's time to get your board game on. We've remodeled and we're reopening this weekend, so smile and board gamers, let's roll! The awesome games dungeon is back in action after that arson attack and we took the opportunity to introduce some improvements to our
00:27:38
Speaker
in-store gaming experience. I don't know why they got an arson attack. Arson attack? Somebody, I mean that's a bad crime. It's crazy. People were staying away from the dungeon dude all the hotheads, flipping tables over all the time. Well, come on down and play a game and do your best to do a table flip once you start losing. You can't! Why? Because the tables are bolted to the floor.
00:27:59
Speaker
And if Smilton City Games thinks an arson attack is going to slow down our big Pokemon tournament lol, guess what guys? People won't go to your store if they come home with an overpriced board game and bed bugs. Just saying. Connor mailbox 16805.
00:28:14
Speaker
I don't quite get that. What's he saying? I don't understand. There's two board game stores in town. They're obviously at war with each other. One of them launched the other with Smilton City Games, launched an arson attack on the awesome games dungeon. Oh, they're warring. I just thought that was good thinking, you know, nailing the tables down. You should nail the tables down. It's very natural when you lose to flip a table. I've stopped playing board games in this town because so many hotheads doing table flips. We're barely through setting the game up. And I was trying to play a game.
00:28:43
Speaker
I don't know, it was some kind of bird thing. Wingspan. Wingspan. Yeah. It's a gentle, thoughtful kind of game. No, this guy saw red, started foaming at the mouth and swearing. He flipped the table because he got like a bunch of woodpeckers and he hates woodpeckers. He saw a rotten red breast. I don't know. He flipped the table. It's just stay away from the game stores until they sort this stuff out because it's like being in the middle of a gangland battle.
00:29:05
Speaker
Yeah, I think you got to relax and enjoy it, I think, or something. Yeah, who knows? It's a game. It's for relaxing after work. Why is it worse after work than at work? Are you wondering aloud why that you're telling people that doing table flips at a board game night is probably not a sensible act?
00:29:23
Speaker
saying that yeah like I agree with you seems like it's too much hey Smiles and I had the opportunity to visit your fine town over Christmas and I just have to say how charming I found you all so many nice people and colorful characters and I was lucky enough to visit Connie's kettle and I have to say that it's the best little tea shop I've ever visited I can vouch for that Jason
00:29:48
Speaker
teas from around the world and the cutest little parrot to chat with. I won't forget you soon, bird. Now that I'm home in Nova Scotia, I told our local tea place to cram their whole place sideways up their own arses because they're a disgrace.

Handyman's Plea for Respect

00:30:05
Speaker
Once again, people getting a little too aggressive. I like his moxie.
00:30:09
Speaker
No parrots, the tea is garbage. Place makes me sick from Ben mailbox 19-5-0-9. It started good, but it ended kind of cranky. Well, now I see why he gets along with birds so much. Dear listener friend, if you haven't heard me complain about this sociopathic parrot bird that lives with Connie. He's nice. He's not nice. He swears at me all the time. He spits venom. He screeches. Okay. He says the most unconscionable things about me. Or the record about birds spitting. When they spit, that's a sign of affection.
00:30:37
Speaker
Oh, right. It is. I'm getting gas lit again. Well, I mean, I think if you get you shouldn't need to give bird a second chance. Forget it. That little creep got me banned from the from the food court for a week. But I think you deserve that. You earned it. He told lies about me and barbecue can believe them, which is an outrage because how much money have I spent in his place? Okay. He believed that bird over me. Well, I think... Miss Elizabeth, yeah, yeah.
00:31:01
Speaker
Bird only tells it like it is. I don't want to bring my life's drama into the show, but that really is a sore spot with me, so I will thank you not to bring up Bird for the rest of the show. I miss Bird. We haven't been out in a while. We have to do some more adventures together. I'm a handyman with a simple request. When I come over to fix something, don't try to seduce me. It's getting old. I don't see the appeal, quite frankly. Is this a prank? Grover, mailbox 8808. Okay. I feel ya. I feel for ya, Grover.
00:31:30
Speaker
In defense of everyone who's ever made a pass at Grover, Grover's pretty hot looking. He's definitely a tease. He's just begging you to not stop trying to seduce him all the time. He's begging for something. He can't help the way he looks. I know he can't. Then leave him alone. He's a handyman. Let him get on with it. Oh, Grover. Oh, my negligee is a bit hot. He dresses a certain way, and his hair goes a certain way. He's just the way God made him, Miss Elizabeth. Yeah, OK.
00:31:56
Speaker
Okay, so, but point taken though, we could lay off a little bit. Yeah. Perhaps I'll cancel my next appointment with him. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I advise you do that. Okay. Miss Elizabeth, I wish I could say I had similar experiences, but my own view of myself, I feel like I'm a kindred spirit with Grover. Okay, but now, Jason, you are going to have to- Miss Elizabeth is laughing. Because you are going to have- Let's go to the next one. Because now you're going to have to repair the sink. I'm not fixing nothing. Okay, then Grover has to come, like it's one or the other.

Death Metal Festival Announcement

00:32:26
Speaker
Get one of the nitwit interns here to fix the sink. What's that undead moaning I hear? Are you talking about death? Why is the earth above that freshly dug grave pulsating? Why have the cannibal hordes begun to stir from their eternal rest in pan-dimensional swamp tombs?
00:32:48
Speaker
I don't know. Those are really good questions. Pan-dimensional swamp tombs are a cool concept, don't you think? No. It's like a tomb here on Earth, but it's also pan-dimensional. It's on other planets, if you will, in different dimensions.
00:33:01
Speaker
I don't know what you're talking about. It can only be because the Smileton Death Metal Festival 2024 has been confirmed for this July. Miss Elizabeth? I gotta go. No, no, no. Don't go. Come back. Miss Elizabeth? I can't take it. Well, come back when you feel like it. I'm gonna... I'm gonna keep you destroying the studio. Sit back down. Oh my goodness.
00:33:29
Speaker
Why else a festival of surpassing excellence awaits Smilton and the death metal cultural feast offered by this event will satiate the appetites of even the most crazed cannibal sorcerer and Jason.
00:33:44
Speaker
What? And me? Yes. I gotta get out of this town. You're also gonna be- We can't have another death metal festival. It's a festival of death metal. You're gonna love it. I know what it is. I've lived through too many of them. And now we're doing it again. Music, crafts, pantomime, and fashion are just a few of the death metal treats that we can expect.
00:34:05
Speaker
Tell me more, Jorg. I need more details. Have patience, my friend. A wise man does not share all his death metal secrets so quickly. From, you guessed it, Jorg mailbox 6650.
00:34:21
Speaker
See? It's only January. It's exciting. Death metal festivals in July, right? Only death metal can actually get you to- Why did you put that, like why- Just keep it secret from me until it's upon us. No, that would be cruel. Now I got months to count down this cloud. That would be cruel, then you wouldn't have any time to develop your face paint.
00:34:40
Speaker
I just got to buy a ticket to Haiti or something. Well, you better act fast because you know what happens at that airport. I know. It gets completely clogged with incoming people. You can't even get a flight out of here. That's right, because only inbound flights starting in June.
00:34:56
Speaker
Only inbound we just pretend you

Food-Eating Contest Challenge and Conclusion

00:35:00
Speaker
didn't say anything. Okay. Hey Jason turd I saw you in the food court. You're having lunch and you only had Ladies don't silence yourselves. Did you just read a message where somebody's calling you? Yes. He's calling me a turd. Okay
00:35:14
Speaker
I saw you in the food court and you were having lunch and you only had two hot dogs? You're being such a loser in public, you loser. You really have given up. Get out of the way and let the professionals take over. I challenge you. Name the food and I'll eat twice as much as you. Consider it done. You don't have the stomach for this and I mean that in both ways in case you're dumb. Send me a message and accept my challenge if you've got the guts, which you don't. Jackson mailbox four.
00:35:38
Speaker
I'm of two minds. I'm like, you can totally beat this guy. And then I'm also like, don't bother. I tried. We had a food eating competition, a pancake breakfast a few years ago, and I was sabotaged. Yeah, it was a trick. Mega cakes.
00:35:59
Speaker
Yeah, and they were spiked with something that made you extremely full right away. Mega cakes are like eating 10 or 20 pancakes. One mega cake and it was a dirty pool. It's like that elven bread from the Lord of the Rings. Like once you eat a bite or two... Why do you turn my suffering into such fanciful folly? Well, it expands in your stomach and satisfies you for a week is what I'm telling you.
00:36:21
Speaker
Wow, my blood pressure is high, and it's all because of the Smilton Community Message Board. I got so much to look forward to. A creep I haven't heard from in two years is Jackson Pepper. He's crawling out of the woodwork. We have the Death Metal Festival coming. And Bird, you're going to do something with Bird coming up here. Oh, it's all coming up roses for Jason. It sure is. We need some music to calm me down a little bit. It's the marquee song slot. Most coveted spot in all of podcasting after all. What? Who's that over there?
00:36:50
Speaker
Huh? Shimmying. Let's listen.
00:37:42
Speaker
Who is that? Who is that? Who is that over the shipping? Who is that? Who is that?
00:38:57
Speaker
Who is that? Who is that? Who is that over there shimmying?
00:39:29
Speaker
Who is that over there? Shimming by the smile syndicate. My eye is still twitching. I like the song, but my eye is twitching and raging. You definitely need, I don't know what, like something. You need a bath or a run. I just need to draw myself a hot bath. Yes.
00:39:45
Speaker
with there's this Epsom salt I like to get and it says, relax the day away. I know. And when I'm getting burned out on life and I, when all this, this agitado happens, when I do this show with you, I just got a picture of that canister, that plastic bottle and picture the label that says, relax the day away. And that's what, Miss Liz, but that's what I'm doing right now. Well, I didn't realize. Relaxing the day away. Yes. I didn't realize that.
00:40:15
Speaker
I didn't realize that was so important to you. I think we should almost like get a large, large... I've ordered the interns to fully stock Smile Syndicate HQ with that and they continually buy the wrong Epsom salts. Okay. Well, I think that they're all the same. They're not the same because they're getting containers that don't say that on it. But okay, but we'll just get a big mural of that phrase in the bathroom for you. Get it done. Yeah.
00:40:41
Speaker
your listener friend I hope you had fun with this we're gonna get back together next week for another episode it's got more coming at you yeah so we're not done with you not by a long shot that's right
00:40:52
Speaker
Well, this one's done. It's been fun, Miss Elizabeth. Take us out. That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here, so let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smiletons, so spread the word, make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week, and as always, remember, friend, the sun is a jukebox.
00:41:22
Speaker
Thanks.