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Good One, Tim Taco
90 Plays2 years ago
This, the latest episode of HELLO, SMILETON, is going to grab you by the lapels and drag you on a journey of fun and discovery. How much entertainment can one person possibly bear? Listen and find out!
Jason and Miss Elizabeth present the very finest in comedy capering and original music, straight from Smileton. Whether you're in the mood to hear Jason complain about his run-in with a death metal ne'er-do-well or hear what's been happening on some of the other 91 podcasts Miss Elizabeth produces in MISS ELIZABETH'S PODCAST CATCH UP, you're gonna get what you need.
Add to the mix an injury report straight from the mean streets of Smileton street hockey and a paid advertisement of dubious merit from Miss Elizabeth and I'd say that's enough entertainment nourishment for the week.
But I'd be wrong. Don't forget about the two hard-rockin' songs by Smileton's own THE SMILE SYNDICATE! Don't ya do it!
And that's it. Lots of stuff. Dig in.
HELLO, SMILETON. If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Already.
Show Timestamps:
02:17 Smileton Story – Rude Death Metal Fan
15:08 Smileton Northside Community Street Hockey League Injury Report
21:50 SONG – New Year's Skeeve
25:28 Paid Advertisement – Miss Elizabeth's Supernatural Mystery Investigating Crew
32:01 Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Catch Up
44:38 SONG – Oh, Bermuda!
Recommended
Transcript
Welcome to Smileton's Energetic World
00:00:03
Speaker
Hello, Smileton! Welcome to a comedy and music cavalcade that's coming at you live to tape straight from Smileton, Alberta, podcasting capital of the world. I'm ready to have some fun today. Let's go, Jason! Thanks, Miss Elizabeth. Oh, are you excited to do this show today? I am!
00:00:22
Speaker
I'm revved up. I know. I've gotten bursting with positivity today. You are looking so much better than you looked last week. You looked super cranky, but this week you look excited. You look ready to go. I feel doused in cold water. Thanks for that. Doused already? I thought I did an okay job last week. Turns out I was crap. No, no. You did a really good job through very trying circumstances. Yeah.
00:00:45
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, don't even get me started on that. Dear listener friend, thanks so much for joining us today. I'm going to keep going no matter how much shade Miss Elizabeth throws my way. She put me down last week. She's probably going to put me down for today's performance in retrospect. I'm ready for it. That is not going to happen. There's too much fun to have in today's show, so we just got to get on with it.
Heroism and Rudeness in Smileton
00:01:09
Speaker
You're not going to break my stride, Miss Elizabeth. No. You're not going to slow me down. Oh, no. Of course not.
00:01:15
Speaker
your listener friend, I hope you're ready for fun. I think somebody, the audience is super excited. You see what happens when you walk out of the house and you take that deep breath in and it smells like a fresh morning and you're just getting ready to take on the day and then you step on a pile of dog crap that was left on your front shoe. You're all talk, Jason.
00:01:39
Speaker
I'm not arguing with a crazy person, Miss Elizabeth. He's saying random things. I'm trying to describe the about face, the vote to fuss that I've just taken in my mood because... Sorry, say that again? No. Miss Elizabeth, I had so much expectation for the quality of today's episode. It's going to be amazing. I've been rocked.
00:02:00
Speaker
from both sides, tenon balls all around. That's not true. Okay, I gotta shake it off and we just gotta get to the fun, dear listener friend. I hope you're ready. We're gonna be doing all kinds of capering, some original music today. We're gonna be talking about the fun stuff that's been going on in our dear town of Smilton. And I gotta kick things off right now with a story.
00:02:21
Speaker
It's a story of heroism. It's a story of rudeness, Miss Elizabeth. It's a story of what can you do as a citizen to make things better in your town?
00:02:36
Speaker
I'm sure there's plenty of opportunity. My story is stirring, Miss Elizabeth. Dear Listen Friend, if you're ever feeling put upon, helpless, powerless, without agency, then perk your ears up because you're going to just feel emboldened and energized by this story.
00:02:53
Speaker
That's what I love about this whole show. Everybody's going to feel energized. It's a story I don't mind sharing. So I'm at the food court where so many good stories start, Miss Elizabeth. I'm in my fortress of solitude, Smilton Mall food court. It's not solitude, though. It's an open cafeteria area.
00:03:10
Speaker
I understand. Miss Elizabeth, are you presuming to tell me the nature of this mountain mall food court? Yeah, because you call it a fortress of solitude, but you're never going to be alone. Because that's the way I feel when I go in there. It's the most zen place you can cram your zen gardens. That's the zen garden to me. It's the food court at the mall.
00:03:33
Speaker
So I'm in there and I got to admit it's a little less welcoming than normally because it's just a furnace in there. It's utterly sweltering. Oh, did the AC turn off? The AC was broken again. I don't know what's going on there. Plus they're tarring the roof of the mall and that caught fire and that was right by the air intake. I love a nice... It stunk. It was hot. Oh man. I like a nice roof tarring project though. Sometimes I'll just offer to pitch in. Yeah.
00:04:00
Speaker
No wonder there's so many fires up there, Miss Elizabeth. You're an amateur antics. Well, you don't set it on fire. You just tar the roof. Yes, but it always seems to happen that that causes a fire that's right by the air intake. Now it's a stink bomb in the food court and it's hot. Tar is wet. I don't think it lights on fire. You're stuck on the tar, Miss Elizabeth. The point is... So to speak. The point is...
00:04:24
Speaker
That's another way to just get me to walk off this show and this punning. That tar is a little sticky. I'm not in the mood, Miss Elizabeth. I wasn't then and I'm not now. Okay. And I'm sitting with the food court regulars and normally that's a good time. You know, Jasper Joseph, Cranky Neal, Patricia, the buddies, Sidewinder, my buddies. Indeed. They're all a little bit short tempered. We're all sniping at each other. Well, yeah, and it stunk.
00:04:53
Speaker
I needed a break. So what are you going to do when you need a break? Take yourself a little bit of heaven. Okay. Good time, Taco. It's right there in the food court, Ms. Elizabeth. It's quite a few steps away. Okay. So I head on over there. I walk up. Tim Taco is there. We start having this conversation. Tim Taco?
00:05:13
Speaker
Yes. Mr. Mr. Taco runs a talk. Wait a minute. Yes, I told him. Is your name Mr. Podcast? Oh, hilarious, Miss Elizabeth. It is not. But Tim Taco was the name he was born with. And it just so happens he owns a franchise for good time. Taco. You know, maybe it's a coincidence. Nothing more. Probably not a coincidence. It probably actually encouraged him to become a taco chef.
00:05:39
Speaker
Do you think so? Yeah. If my name was Taco or sandwich, I would be like, I need to perfect that. Miss Elizabeth, I'll just give you a little bit of insight. I'll give you a little bit of insight to my friend Tim Taco. Life had a few turns. As a kid, he wasn't dreaming about running a good time Taco franchise. He's a success. He's a happy man now. But the path that it took to get him there was fraught.
00:06:05
Speaker
Interesting. I think we want to hear about that some more. Not today. Okay. So I'm talking to Tim Taco. We're having a good time. And then he starts... I'll tell you what kind of good time he's having running that place, Ms. Elizabeth. He starts snickering and he leans in and he goes, Oh, I got to tell you something. See on the menu, we're selling those improbable tacos. Yeah. You know, those gross, you know, the meat substitute thing. It's supposed to be... Oh, it's not real meat. Yeah. You know, it tastes like meat. Does it look like meat? I think it shouldn't even look like meat if it's not meat.
00:06:35
Speaker
But you've seen those things, fast food places offer the improbable meat or whatever it is. So it looks like meat, it tastes like meat, it's not meat. Well, he's snickering and he goes, guess what? Those vegetarians are totally eating meat. Oh boy.
00:06:54
Speaker
Ms. Elizabeth, you gotta admit it's funny. So they take a bite and they're like, I can't believe it's not meat. And then he's just like, I know. Yeah, you won't believe how much you won't believe it's not meat. Oh, no. And then he goes, I won't even tell you what animal it is because it's hilarious. Oh, no. So I go, well, should I order one? He goes, no, I wouldn't. It's just a little bit of fun and good time taco, Ms. Elizabeth. OK, well, that has a bad end coming to you.
00:07:23
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, you got that right. Does sound funny, but I think it might end in tears. It's going to end in tears. Not my tears, Miss Elizabeth. So what do you say to that except good one, Tim Taco? Tastes so much like meat. I can't believe it. So I wish the story could end there. Hey, I wonder if they did the same thing with the I can't believe it's not butter. I wonder if it really was butter, but I doubt it because butter is more expensive. Plus, didn't people have weird medical issues when they ate that stuff?
00:07:51
Speaker
Yeah, I think they started sweating. I can't believe it's not butter. Yeah, you don't want any of those fake foods. Just if you don't want it, don't have it, don't have pretend versions of it. Yeah, that's my rule. Is that a rule? It is now. So I was happy and I'm happy telling this story. We were just sitting there having a good time. And of course, that can't last long. So this guy walks up. And what do you think he looked like, Miss Elizabeth? It's we're getting into June. The death metal festival is looming.
00:08:20
Speaker
Death metal costuming is coming back. Oh yeah, so this guy, black cloak, black and white face paint, and I'm here to tell you, he was as rude as the day is long. Are you sure he was rude or was he just in a rock and
Local Hockey Madness
00:08:33
Speaker
roll frame of mind? Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I know what rock is. I know what it looks like when someone's in the middle of rockin' and I know to keep my distance or frickin' join in, but this was not rock.
00:08:44
Speaker
This is just flat-out rudeness. He comes up, he's cutting off our conversation, and first thing he does, he makes fun of what I'm wearing. What are you wearing? I'm wearing a California Doon Buggy Legend Booty Coons t-shirt, and he says something sassy about that. Throw shade on my buddy Tim Taco. The guy's a wrecking machine. He's just a rude persona. Wait, so did he make fun of your t-shirt design? Like he made fun of what was on your t-shirt? No, this was because you want me to relive it.
00:09:14
Speaker
Yeah, I need details. Nice shirt. And then he did like the dismissive snort. Sounds like he might have actually just said nice shirt. Oh, yeah. Or something like that. Do you think you might have seen the look on his black and white painted face?
00:09:31
Speaker
Well, okay. Because maybe you can interpret his emotions through his death metal face paint. Can you imagine a guy like that coming up and thinking he can high hand us? Oh my goodness. So what happened? Off-putting. So, well, I'll tell you what happened. Throw shade on my buddy Tim Taco. Then he looks around Good Time Taco and he goes, well, this is a pretty ramshackle establishment.
00:09:53
Speaker
Are you sure he wasn't joking? Because that sounds like a joke. When you're in a mall, there's nothing ramshackle about a Good Time Taco. No kidding! The guy was out to lunch. That's the only thing that saved him from me caving his head in. He was out to lunch. He literally was having lunch at Good Time Taco. You delight in your word, Clay, and it just makes me cringe. Does it make you cringe? Not cringe, but it does something a little off-putting to my stomach. I'm not sure if you should be cringing.
00:10:21
Speaker
I'm gonna chase him. No, I'm ignoring the crazy person. I'm not. I'm trying to get through this story. Miss Elizabeth. I told you this is a noble story that you're supposed to just get a charge and you just say this is life. Embrace it. We seem like we're a million miles away from that. So I got to keep going to the day to guide this boat home. Let's go. So
00:10:45
Speaker
He looks around the food court, and he's like, is this where the locals eat? If it weren't for this death metal festival, I would never come here. And it's like, buddy, for once you said something right. If it weren't for the festival, a crepe like you wouldn't be anywhere near Smilton, and the whole town would be better for it. So exhibit A, Miss Elizabeth. What's wrong with this festival? OK, so he really was being rude. He was being rude. OK. And then? I just think you shouldn't jump to conclusions.
00:11:11
Speaker
Then he goes, I have many dietary
Miss Elizabeth's Podcast Adventures
00:11:14
Speaker
restrictions, both medical and ethical. And what are they? I'm not digging into that pit, Miss Elizabeth. I don't care what his limitations are.
00:11:27
Speaker
What could have been... He's demented, probably. He's got a bunch of made up ailments and sensitivities. And I don't even want to ask what his ethical problems are. Okay, if they're made up, then they're not... Whatever they are, I'm not interested, Miss Elizabeth. I wish he would just leave. He goes, is there anything on this menu fit for human consumption?
00:11:44
Speaker
Mm-hmm and Tim taco He puts on all miss Elizabeth. He just had the most is the most proper customer service face you could imagine There's one thing sir. Have you tried our improbable taco? It smells like me tastes like meat and Is it meat? the guy's skeptical miss yeah, and Tim Tim poker face like stone and
00:12:09
Speaker
No, no. He's setting him up for a whammy here. So did he like the taco? Well the guy orders it and he makes a show of him blessing himself. Like he's lorrying himself to eat this gutter food and he just prays. He makes it to the end of the day. Or maybe he just prays before he eats.
00:12:30
Speaker
I doubt it, Miss Elizabeth, because once again, the look on his face, told. Not spiritual. Condescending, arrogant, full of hubris. Okay. Poor guy. He's hungry and full of hubris. Poor guy. He's a jackass. He should go find food somewhere else. Goes back to the table and now here's where the story takes our hugely positive turn. Tim Taco and I.
00:12:56
Speaker
Get back to our conversation, and we're interrupted once again by this guy, but we're a little bit more tolerant of this kind of interruption because it's the sound of him throwing up violently. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I can't even convey the fuck horn. If you were there, you'd be laughing yourself sick. Okay, so he could tell that it was meat.
00:13:18
Speaker
Oh, he found out what it was once he started coming back up. Oh, boy. So he's, I knew this was going to make... Just... I specifically asked if this was fit for human crime. Miss Elizabeth, I couldn't contain how hard... Get ready for legal trouble, my... So he threw up.
00:13:41
Speaker
multiple times. Um, and I'm just like, Tim Taco was like, did you do that? Or is that him? He goes, I don't know. Like we source this stuff from weird places. I just don't, I don't ask. So whatever it was, miss Liz, okay. Call it karma. If you must. Okay. That guy got salmonella, maybe some botulism.
00:14:02
Speaker
Who knows, Miss Elizabeth? All I know is that it made my day. And of course, he's not going to go quietly into that good night. He's thrown up over and over again. And finally, the stomach is empty. And he starts yelling into his foot. He's demanding that he get airlifted to the hospital. So just get up and walk. You were sick. You're done now. What are you talking about? So he calls. He demands an airlift. Next thing we know, these EMTs are crashing through the skylight, helicopter above.
00:14:30
Speaker
They strapped him to this board and up he goes. Wow, that's service. I didn't know for air ambulances, they didn't land. They drop these things and you get loads. So what a display. He wants that to be people's memories of him not throwing up, but making this absurd display. Well, that sounds like it might have been fun, though, getting airlifted to the hospital. Talk about getting what's coming to you. If only every story could end that way, Miss Elizabeth, with a narrative well thrown up.
00:15:00
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, you're welcome. That was a good that was a good time story. I feel good about that, Miss Elizabeth. We got to turn to something here before we roll on with the fun. It's a little bit concerning. It's sometimes, you know, you have fun and sometimes there are consequences to the fun. So there's nothing watching a lot of hockey lately.
00:15:19
Speaker
Well, exactly. There's nothing more fun than watching, or I would imagine, playing Smile to Northside Community Street Hockey. You would imagine, because you haven't been playing recently. No, no, Miss Elizabeth, Smile Syndicate, cool dudes, the team I'm on, me and the Stumble Bums, we've been having... I've been keeping them off the road. I've been doing more of a different approach to getting...
00:15:39
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, silence yourselves. You won't be laughing once we get our act together, which is soon. Believe me, if I'm screaming at those guys, Miss Elizabeth, I'm screaming at them, they're gonna get themselves in shape. Less stumble-bum, more tight-checking. Expected, soon. But in the meantime, games are going on, people are playing hard, and unfortunately, sometimes, it gets a little rough, you get hurt. Playing smouthed in Northside Community Street hockey. So what I wanted to do is run down,
00:16:06
Speaker
the uh the injury list oh okay the proud warriors of the smileton north side community street hockey how will this benefit us what do you mean uh we have concerned fans listening and they want to know when their favorites are going to be back in action okay miss elizabeth okay since you asked
00:16:23
Speaker
What a weird question. We run down the scores for the games during your news segment. You know why we do that? Why? Because people are interested. No, I know. I know that. I'm just wondering, are people so interested that they're maybe placing bets and they need to know about the injuries for specific monetary reasons? That doesn't hurt, Miss Elizabeth.
00:16:41
Speaker
If you're going for that trifecta, you better get your story straight when you're laying those bets down. So yes, use this information as you will. Wish good wishes, send a card, or adjust your betting accordingly. Okay, the first one I got a report on, Jerry Blatz, left-winger for the garbage people.
00:17:00
Speaker
Ugh, Miss Elizabeth. I was at this game. He went head first into a minivan trying to stop the tennis ball going in the sewer. Wow. He's out for a minimum of two weeks, I hear. And so I heard is the van. I don't care about that minivan. You take your chances when you park anywhere near a street that a game might happen on. Okay. Uh, Gord McGee, of course. Uh, goaltender for the lady pleasers. Mm-hmm. He got hurt at work. Oh, whoops.
00:17:27
Speaker
So it's... You gotta look after yourself at
Mystery Solvers and Garage Sale Finds
00:17:29
Speaker
work when you're playing street hockey. Exactly. Where are your priorities, Gord? Well, he was trying to jump a forklift over three parked cars. He's listed as day-to-day. Okay. I, you know, if it had been a standard... What happened? Like, what happened to him physically? He didn't make it, I guess. No, no, obviously. But, I mean, like, which part of his body? Multiple? You're in a forklift crash, I'd say. Roll the dice, what party is getting hurt? Probably everything.
00:17:53
Speaker
Plus if don't like getting hurt at work is such a lame thing to do unless you're doing something funny And that must have been a sight watching that forklift hit it would head towards that ramp poor Gordy won't be pleasing many ladies for the No, he won't be doing much for a little while Harry Singh aka the Smilton super stud What his name is we call him
00:18:16
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth, he's a good guy. He's a good player. He gave himself that name. I kind of don't mind using it. Okay, so he is kind of a super stud then.
00:18:26
Speaker
In his own mind, Miss Elizabeth and we're going to play along. I mean, in your mind too. No, Miss Elizabeth. Harry sings prowess outside the street. I don't care about. But all I know is that he's a good center and he makes that Bubble Brains team a worthy organization. Okay. So he got kicked by a horse. Oh, no, you know what? That is very painful. It does. There is no timeline for his return, unfortunately. So good luck, Harry.
00:18:53
Speaker
that'll break your actual leg like your upper leg yeah that was that was i i imagine that was no fun no Larry Lawrence defenseman for the Smilton Community Outreach Association now you're not a big fan of this team this is vicious he's that whole team they're maniacs they're they're utterly without mercy miss Elizabeth they just attack their opponents with a frenzy that is unbecoming the Northside Community Street hockey league but
00:19:19
Speaker
He's still nursing that broken jaw he got in the tussle with Otto Brown from the Smilton Caregivers Network. That was like a week ago. Goodness gracious, can you not play with a broken jaw? No. Miss Elizabeth, you can't do much of anything. It hurts to do everything. It's wired shut. He's in no mood to play in. How do you jaw at anybody? How do you trash talk?
00:19:39
Speaker
How do you get in a fight if your jaw's wired shut? All right. I think that's a little bit wussy. I think you got a broken jaw. Wire it shut. Get yourself some meds going and get yourself back on the street. That's what I think. It's not your legs. I don't mind you talking tough. But boy, oh boy, you're just revving the guy up. He's probably going to maim somebody when he comes back. You don't need your mouth for street hockey. Next month at the minimum. We won't see him till then.
00:20:03
Speaker
And the last one on the list for today is Chase Kenzo, center for the pill-popping speed kids. Kids a bundle of energy. And this one's weird. This wasn't him. This wasn't his bad judgment. It wasn't something at school or off hours. Safe fell on him.
00:20:21
Speaker
during a match with the monkey spankers. What? Yeah, it makes no sense. Where did that safe come from? Exactly. It was like a cartoon. Okay. It just, he got a bruised ankle. It grazed him. He's all right. I wonder if it was that safe that mysteriously disappeared the other day.
00:20:37
Speaker
Miss Elizabeth stop it with the mystery stuff. I'm just saying it's just appeared and then it reappeared the earth spins and And the this the earth is not like totally level. Maybe it reappeared and it just happened to be above but when it disappeared it was on solid ground and
00:20:56
Speaker
OK, take your fanciful explanations elsewhere. I don't care where that safe came from. All I know is that it fell out of nowhere, grazed his ankle. But good news, everyone. He should be ready to go for Saturday's game against the scuttled moonshots. So let's look forward to seeing Chase Kenzo back on the road this weekend. All right. So that's the injury report. You're up to speed. Well done. Bet accordingly. Yeah. And it's time for some music. So let me just reach on over here, the Smilton radio, tune it in.
00:21:25
Speaker
No, I'm adjusting the knob. The Smile Syndicate is great! Oh, oh really? Well, a stop clock is right twice a day and that nitwit just said something relevant. We're gonna play a Smile Syndicate song, my hard rockin' band, based right here in Smilton. We are gonna check in. Yeah. With New Year's Skeev. Get ready to dance. Let's go.
00:21:58
Speaker
Five, four, three, two, one The New Year's finally here Let's sing that song and have some fun Celebration time Let's go dance, the night's still young The crowd is all a jumbo
00:22:21
Speaker
Someone just kneaded in their hand People crammed to close This isn't going how I planned New Year's keep Choots up your spine It's the hoot of the time New Year's keep Puts a pin in your thumb Now the good times are done New Year's keep New Year's keep A New Year's finally here
00:22:50
Speaker
Let's sing that song and have some fun Celebration time Let's go dance the night still young New Year's keep Shoots up your spine, it's the hoot of the time New Year's keep Puts a pin in your butt, now the good times are done New Year's keep, New Year's keep
Musical Farewell
00:23:50
Speaker
What just brushed my neck? My shoes are sticking to the ground Something dripped on me Let me off this merry-go-round New Year's scheme Shoots up your spine It's another time New Year's scheme
00:24:10
Speaker
Put some pain in your bum, now the good times are done. New Year's keep. Shoots up your spine, it's a hoot of the time. New Year's keep. Put some pain in your bum, now the good times are done.
00:24:37
Speaker
New Year's Skeef by Smile Syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. Wow, and I gotta say... Find more Smile Syndicate songs on all streaming platforms. And we've recently noticed that on some streaming platforms we seem to have more listeners than before. Yeah, the spike in activity, it's like a random thing. Yeah, it's not random, it's everybody listening. I'm lately random.
00:24:58
Speaker
is going over to Spotify and listening to the Smile Syndicate music because they're looking to cheer themselves up. We've never been such a high number of listeners. You might as well get on over there to your listener friend and check out some Smile Syndicate songs while you wait that long wait for new songs to come out. It will happen, Miss Elizabeth.
00:25:15
Speaker
I think it will because you have definitely been getting a little bit of a songwriter's itch. I have many itches, Ms. Elizabeth, and they all vary in the amount they torment me. I got to deal with one itch at a time. Okay. Well, once in a while during this show, we got to do something I'm not thrilled about.
00:25:34
Speaker
Why not? But I'm not going to complain. And now a word from our sponsors. Exactly. It's time for a paid advertisement. Normally, I am tickled pink to take money from a Smilton small business and say the good words they give us to promote their business or service. OK. But I'm looking at who we got lining up sponsoring today's show. Take it easy. OK. Today's episode of Hello, Smilton is brought to you by Miss Elizabeth's Supernatural Mystery Investigation crew. That's right. Brought to you by me.
00:26:02
Speaker
This is the way you get that stuff back on this show, is you pay some money. I provided some cash, and I already took it shopping with me. Wait, you paid? I don't understand what happened. I paid the show. So normally what happens is that the paid advertiser will leave the money behind the toilet in the bathroom at the library, in the third place, third floor. Yeah, that's right. And so then I will find that money with the script,
00:26:28
Speaker
that they want us to read and then I will spend the money and usually before I even read the script but this time I didn't have to do that because I knew it was me so I just I went shopping I bought myself something nice and now we're gonna read the paid advertisement you think you cut out the middleman but what you actually did was completely eliminate the transaction
00:26:50
Speaker
I'm going to advertise on the show. Time to go shopping. The show is like, what happened? There was a transaction. I can assure you. Yeah, I'm sure there was. And the show saw not one cent of it. Let's hear the ad, Miss Elizabeth.
00:27:06
Speaker
If you've spent any time at all in Smileson, you know that our dear little town is a hotbed of supernatural activity. And these weird incidents and improbable happenings aren't going to solve themselves, Jason. That's where we come in.
00:27:22
Speaker
Yeah, create a problem on a whole cloth and pretend to solve it. That's the M.O. That's not what happens. I'm Miss Elizabeth, founder and chief investigator with the Miss Elizabeth Supernatural Mystery Investigation crew. Big or small, if you've got a supernatural mystery to solve, we're your team. Truth be told, Jason, if it's not supernatural or like obviously supernatural right off the bat, we'll still give it a go. Okay. We just prefer the supernatural variety. Sounds like you're the Ghostbusters.
00:27:52
Speaker
Well, it's not only ghosts. Other supernatural occurrences are also of interest to us. Our track record speaks for itself, Jason. We solved the mystery. Do you remember? Okay, debatable debate this. We solved the mystery of the brass statues in the Smilton Mall food court. How could I forget that Miss Elizabeth? You took many episodes telling us that story.
00:28:17
Speaker
Yes, and I solved it. Yes, it came to an ending. I'll give you that much. We revealed the truth behind Shanadar, the time-traveling Neanderthal. That's, again, debatable. Fascinating and so interesting. We cracked the riddle of the Smilton tar pits, and I'm of two minds as to whether or not I'm going to finish telling that story because you have been so rude about it.
00:28:42
Speaker
That Miss Elizabeth, we've been waiting for part 10 or whatever that story is for. A considerable amount of time. Oh, it's coming. But we don't just save the town from supernatural menaces. We solve the little mysteries too. Don't feel like your mystery is too small. Because you don't know. Maybe it's a little mystery, but maybe it's the tip of an iceberg.
00:29:03
Speaker
Bigger, smaller, Hulksterism takes all comers. Like the one where no one knew who was putting on the hats on the horses at the Smilton racetrack. We saw that one. Turns out it was a man who worked concessions there who claimed that he'd been possessed by a ghost. And it turned out, in fact, he probably had been possessed by a ghost.
00:29:24
Speaker
board guys putting hats on horses and this is supernatural somehow he throws the word ghosts in and you guys are like magpies or what about that energy being who had a time machine whom we caught red-handed messing around at that lawn bowling tournament I haven't I hadn't heard that mischievous mischievous energy beings are our bread and butter Jason
00:29:51
Speaker
Big or little, no mystery can confound us. I mean, they confound us at first, but we always solve them. With through teamwork, I assume. Through teamwork. So why don't you bring your supernatural problems to us? We'll get them solved. And if we're not careful, we might just have a little fun too. And somebody will pay a pretty penny for that.
00:30:13
Speaker
Well, yeah, pennies are pretty. I mean, it's not a lot of money. Let's just it's not. No, you take what you need. I remember that you're giving us the tarpet mystery and you stole gold. You stole that guy's truck. You pushed him in a ditch, Miss Elizabeth. That was outrageous behavior. It wasn't. It was perfectly logical and rational. We needed that gold and we returned it. I had to build a golden submarine. It was not logical.
00:30:34
Speaker
We needed to build a golden submarine. It was perfectly logical. It was a crazy time of the Nuthouse. It was very reasonable. You'll find me and my team in the back room of Connie's Kettle, Smileton's choice for premier tea and tea accessories. Enough about them, though. This is not a paid advertisement. Yeah, read my mind.
00:30:55
Speaker
She does have the best tea, though, in Smileson. We're located in the Smileson Mall right across from that supplement store that has that guy, like you'll know before you even arrive because you'll be able to hear this guy yelling all the time. He yells things like, lift it. And then you might hear him sometimes yell, pull it. And then sometimes because he's on our team, like he's on our side, he's on our team, he's on our side. He goes, solve it. And sometimes he might even say, crack it.
00:31:23
Speaker
He's very cracking his puzzles. I don't believe you anymore. I think you're making this up, Ms. Elizabeth. I doubt Jake Waits would have the slightest patience for your mystery solvent shenanigans. Well, we might have helped him at one time or another, and maybe he's now changed his too. I'm just going to say maybe. Let's get into that later, Ms. Elizabeth. Allegedly. That's Ms. Elizabeth's Supernatural Mystery Investigation Crew. That's Supernatural Mystery that's bugging you?
00:31:48
Speaker
Consider assault. Miss Elizabeth, thank you, I guess. This was not a paid advertisement in any sense because you just got a bright idea to go shopping and you consider that transaction completed. It was paid for sure.
00:32:01
Speaker
Well, Miss Elizabeth, when you're not running around pretending to solve supernatural mysteries, you're podcasting up a storm. You do this show and you also do 91 other podcasts here in Smilton on a weekly basis. You give us the update of what's been going on on some of those other shows because no sane person could possibly keep up with that many podcasts on a weekly basis, let alone do them.
00:32:24
Speaker
I don't know how you record that many, Miss Elizabeth. It's a staggering amount of work. It takes practice. But once you're in the habit, like once you're a podcaster and you're in the habit, you just keep doing it. You just turn around and you're doing another podcast. Well, we carve out some very valuable time on this show for some reason to let Miss Elizabeth give us an update. So here we go again with another Miss Elizabeth podcast catch up. All right. The first one I can't wait to tell you about. It's called I don't think I've told you about this one yet. No, it's called What's Poppin?
00:32:52
Speaker
Okay, you might you haven't I'm wearing you haven't even heard this podcast before lots of excitement on this week's episode We had 12 new popcorn makers to review So we fired them all up and the corn was popping all episode long You had 12 popcorn makers running while you recorded the show
00:33:11
Speaker
We did indeed. They sounded very different every single one. Poppity poppity pop. Oh, the cacophony. They went, it was the musical cacophony. In the end, we couldn't choose the best one because all the popcorn was just so tasty. And to be honest with you, the kernels got like mixed up. So I would recommend just buying all 12 of those popcorn makers and just pop yourself, pop yourself silly.
00:33:35
Speaker
Just pop and pop and pop. More popcorn. Consumer reports, you are not. Tony Popcorn was grumpy as usual. He hates popcorn. Isn't that weird? With a name like that? Tony Popcorn. Yeah, his name is Tony Popcorn. I mean, you've got a Mr. Taco. Tim Taco. Yeah, Tim Taco. Yeah, but that's just coincidence. You're deliberately pulling this guy into a world he doesn't want to be one part of. Yeah. He hates popcorn. You just said that, right? He doesn't like popcorn, but he sort of... It's like a love-hate almost.
00:34:05
Speaker
Yeah, you love it. He hates it. Well, with a name like that, how could you not be on our show? Colonel Joseph Magruder, retired, was a special guest on the show. He tried to tell us some stories of when he was in the military, because that's really like what his whole life was focused on. But we more wanted to talk about how calling him Colonel reminds us of popcorn, which he also hates, apparently. Not as a Miss Elizabeth. Now I'm wincing.
00:34:33
Speaker
What? Colonel. Colonel. Yeah. Did you know your name reminds us of pop- you literally said that, didn't you? Well, I mean, Colonel is it like a title, right? It's like a... I know what it is, Ms. Elizabeth. Do you?
00:34:46
Speaker
It's delicious is what I can tell you. Corinne and I really have fun putting this show together and we can't wait to do the next episode. We spent the last part of the show looking up people online who have popcorn sounding names. So next week we'll have someone called Pops Murphy.
00:35:06
Speaker
Pops. Mm hmm. Pops. You don't care. You just care about the name. You don't care what this person's background is. We start with the name. We start with the concept of popcorn. It's a podcast. You've got to ask them. Did you know that your name reminds us of popcorn? OK, so to be a successful podcast, you have to niche down. And we've niched and niched and niched. And this podcast. Bottom of the sea. I've got to tell you, this podcast is popping. I got to tell you. I'm not that I that I believe. I'm not surprised.
00:35:33
Speaker
And a lady named Sarah Butterfield was also on the show. No explanation needed. Well, hopefully we're going to have her on the show. We haven't asked either one of them to actually be on it yet, but we're definitely we've got our sales pitch. We're writing our sales pitch. Well, I hope that works out for you because you won't have much of an episode if they turn you down. OK, you've heard of this podcast called Just Breathe. Oh boy. A yoga podcast. I know about this.
00:35:57
Speaker
If you haven't started listening to this one, I recommend you start pronto because you are so stressed out this podcast is going to help you. And putting a podcast in my ears that is such a low effort travesty like that one. That will stress me out more. That was completely just a direct insult. It's going to help you with your stress. I'm sorry, I used the word travesty, Miss Elizabeth.
00:36:21
Speaker
A very relaxed time was had by all this week. That's not to say that we didn't have our challenges. No. Yeah. You got to fight through your challenges, Miss Elizabeth. You don't fight through them. You breathe through them. Oren was really struggling this week. OK. There's lots of smoke in the air, as you know. Yes, I do know, Miss Elizabeth. Smoke up here in Alberta and apparently some of our Alberta smoke has drifted over into the American
00:36:49
Speaker
well population yeah we say sorry that's what we say what do you want us to do put a big fan up and blow it up north yeah we can't do that nope we're powerless we're powerless up here and he's asthmatic though plus he had a cold so sounds like he should have been in bed cold trouble breathing yeah right yes so he was really noisy he was so noisy
00:37:12
Speaker
all you do is breathe on this show, right? When he was breathing. That's right. You just breathe. So you just hear, you just listen. You're, you are, you are telling us here and now that somebody labor with labored breath is a way to relax. Listening to that. Struggling to breathe. Well, it's an example of how if you're struggling to breathe, here's how to do it. So even though there was lots of coughing and gasping,
00:37:36
Speaker
That's relaxing. He was super focused though, so you can learn to have his focus. Oh boy. He was just breathing like me and Michelle.
00:37:46
Speaker
Kate, what a ridiculous idea, Miss Elizabeth. You should have just sent him home, and you should have looked at this Michelle and said, we got to think of something better to do. Well, we were at his home. I mean, we'd take turns hosting. So we eventually had four or five callers join us, and we all just breathed together with people on the phone. Can you imagine? Yeah, I can imagine. I can remember. Can you imagine listening to this? Can you imagine putting this out to the world with a straight
00:38:16
Speaker
Yes. Breathe out. I got you. Okay. And that's all you have to do, Jason. Okay. You just have to breathe in. I hear you. Hold it. I'm not holding nothing. And now breathe out. See, you're more relaxed already. I'm stressed out. I'm worse than before you told me about that show. Okay, Jason. Well, if it helps, you can count the breaths. No, it won't help. Okay. Okay. Here's a new one. Another new one. Another new one. Garar sale yaks.
00:38:46
Speaker
What was that? Garage? Saliacs. Saliacs. Saliacs. Like maniac. I got you. Or like celiac. Okay.
00:38:55
Speaker
Well, OK, now that makes no sense. But Saliac. Saliac. You're crazy about garage sales. Is that what you're trying to tell us? Yeah, we're like garage sales. So maybe put the microphone down and just go to garage sales and leave the world alone. Well, we kept a hold of the of the microphone and we went to the anyways. Really fun episode. Lots of great finds from garage sales all around Smilton. It's garage sale season, Jason. That's why this podcast is going strong.
00:39:19
Speaker
Gemma got the show off to a fire restart, literally. So exciting. You probably should listen to this one. She bought a lamp that had a picture of the cast from Northern Exposure on the shade. See? Wow. I know. So exciting. Yeah. Well, she plugged it in. And wouldn't you know it, it started a great big fire right then and there. Oh, boy. If she hadn't acted fast, then she would have lost the condo. You see where garage sales get you?
00:39:46
Speaker
Yeah there should have been I mean I think nobody's to blame like nobody's at fault for that. So it's a good thing that the fire extinguisher she bought at that very same garage sale was handy. Oh it saved the condo Miss Elizabeth. And good thing that thing worked and didn't just burst into flames. You should have just put that thing down or told the person at the garage sale to like put this in the trash because no one's gonna buy this thing.
00:40:09
Speaker
Well, the whole point of the garage sale is these are things that are going in the trash, but you're selling them instead. Well, don't buy electrical stuff. It's like somebody's trash is somebody else's treasure. Somebody almost had a burned down condo in the bargain. Yeah, you know, he takes your chances. I guess so. Samuel continued his quest to buy as many lawn chairs as he can.
00:40:30
Speaker
Okay. He's buying lawn chairs, Jason. This is a project I thought you could really get behind. I'm interested, actually. Yeah. Well, he ended up buying 19 last weekend, and that makes 103 lawn chairs so far this year. I gotta admit, you know, I see the appeal. Yeah. You set a goal and you frickin' get at it. I know. And people are gonna say, oh, we need so many lawn chairs for it. That's not the point.
00:40:51
Speaker
And a lot of these were those lawn chairs with the woven, you know, like woven looking backs and seats. I assume a wide range. The dazzling tapestry of lawn chairs is well represented in this gentleman's collection. It's like they were woven out of seat belts.
00:41:08
Speaker
Do you know what I mean? Oh, I know those ones. Those old ones. They don't make them like that anymore. Those are super comfy. So the summer is just getting going and there's going to be no stopping this guy. All right, well, I understand you'll get going. Keep going. Summer. I wouldn't be surprised if there were 600 lawn chairs in his garage by the time September rolls around.
00:41:26
Speaker
Actually, I want to keep me posted on that, Ms. Elizabeth. That's actually a good update. It's interesting. Oh, and Jason, you might find this one interesting. I was at a garage sale on Saturday and I found someone who was selling Butterbuns street hockey jerseys. Oh, really? Yeah, Butterbuns.
00:41:44
Speaker
Yeah, no kidding. I've been looking for those for months. I know. You can't find them anywhere. Okay, that's what garage sales are good for. So they had a complete set. They had home, away, and alternate. Awesome. I don't know what alternate means, but I thought you might know what that means. Third design, Miss Elizabeth. Okay, so they all still had the tags on them. What a find. The guy was only asking $25 for the whole set. Oh, mind blown. Mind blown, Miss Elizabeth. So I gave him your number. Did he call you?
00:42:14
Speaker
No, Miss Elizabeth, you couldn't have picked a worse week. What should I have done instead? I gave him your number. Yes, but I sat in a hot tub with my phone again. I've been offline for this whole week. Where did you find a hot tub to sit in?
00:42:30
Speaker
I don't know what that question means. There's lots of hot tubs in town. Miss Elizabeth, Dr. Gaughan has a hot tub. I was at his place. You were in Dr. Gaughan's hot tub. You're probably ingesting some of his cookies or something. I didn't have Miss Elizabeth. I know not to eat anything that guy prepares. And then you sat down with your pants on. I was excited to get in the hot tub. I had the trunks on already. My phone was in the pocket. It took me 20 minutes to realize.
00:42:52
Speaker
Yeah. So thanks for that. I didn't get any call. Those jerseys are fog horned. I know. This was like finding a diamond. Miss Elizabeth couldn't recognize it. She didn't buy them for me. Why didn't you pick them up? It was 25 bucks. Do you want me to pick them up for you next time? Yes. Okay. But I mean last time I picked them up for you and you complained.
00:43:14
Speaker
You picked up a jersey for me one time, yes, Miss Elizabeth? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Blew it. Oh, did it? Miss Elizabeth, it didn't. OK, let me ask you this. Does your phone work? I don't have a phone still. Miss Elizabeth, I'm still wrangling a deal. OK, no. So yeah, the Butterbuns jersey, I should probably kiss those goodbye, because there's no way that's lasting for $25. They don't know what they have. That's frickin' gold. You can't find those jerseys, Miss Elizabeth. All right. As soon as they get restocked, they sell out again like a Cabbage Patch Kid.
00:43:41
Speaker
I think the phone is a much bigger emergency. I think we need to go garage-sailing. Sailing, like S-A-I-L-I-N-G garage-sailing. I don't want to. I put off the whole thing now. This is my one chance at happiness. It's gone now. No, no, no. But you're missing the point, is that they might have phones for you.
00:43:59
Speaker
I don't care, Mrs. Elizabeth. What use is a phone? I could have had those jerseys. Oh no. I'm sorry. What a downer way to end Mrs. Elizabeth's podcast. Get you up. Okay, I'm sorry. That's fine. I gotta cheer myself up. Oh, can I request a song?
00:44:15
Speaker
It's time for music. In other words. Yes, Miss Elizabeth you may request a song. Okay, so there's the song I remember that you made and it was about because I'm kind of in the mood for something supernatural and this one was about like a supernatural place on the planet if you can remember that supernatural things happen in this special place and it is called Bermuda the Bermuda Triangle. Oh Bermuda. Can we listen to Oh Bermuda? I guess
00:44:52
Speaker
Across the ocean, on an airplane Do you believe your eyes? A blinding flash, on the horizon Is blowing up the sky Missiles to your vision Spaces twist around Hurdle through a portal What is the space you found?
00:45:31
Speaker
Maryland and Rome Shakespeare, Newton, and many more beside Yes, it's them, go say hello To the Bermuda Triangles Flavour's steaming Through the darkness by daybreak they'll make land
00:45:57
Speaker
Now the waves are getting angry Stored by unknown man
00:46:31
Speaker
Chase your new turn, and many more recite Yes, assemble, say hello To the Bermuda giant group
00:47:30
Speaker
A locomotive to break them wonders why The tracks are bent and pointing upward straight into the sky Crossing on a cloud bridge of mighty tunnel looms Is this the final station where we will meet our doom?
00:48:08
Speaker
And many more resides. Yes, it's them. Go say hello to the Bermuda tree.
00:48:47
Speaker
Oh Bermuda, by the smile syndicate right here on Hello, Smileton. I'm not gonna roll in Miss Elizabeth. Yeah. It's an old track. I love that one. It's dazzling. Oh, I think you love it because you're singing it. Well, that's one of the reasons. My dear listener friend, I'm sure you found yourself singing along as well. It's, it's nigh on and irresistible. Yeah.
00:49:05
Speaker
Well, we had some fun. This week, Miss Elizabeth, we were capering and dancing the whole show through. You cheered yourself right out of that grump. The music's helping, but I'm trying to, you just reminded me of why I was so crestfallen before the song started. Now the fog is creeping back in, Miss Elizabeth. Your crest is falling again. It's plummeting to earth. I got to get outside and get some sunshine, cheer myself back up in preparation for next week. It's all new episode of Hello, Smilton.
00:49:32
Speaker
I can't wait. I can't wait. I hope you can wait, dear listener friend. It's going to be a week, but it'll go quickly. Listen to this show multiple times. If you must go check out some of the older shows, go to listen to us on Spotify or any other streaming platform one way or another. You'll get your fix until next Monday. In the meantime, this one's done. It's been fun. Miss Elizabeth, take us out.
00:49:52
Speaker
That's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. Tell a friend about Hello, Smileton. There's a lot of fun going on here. So let's share it with as many people as we can. The world needs more Smileton. So let's spread the word and make a difference. So it's bye-bye from Jason. Bye-bye. And bye-bye from me. See you next week. And as always, remember friend, the sun is the jukebox.