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You Don’t Get What You Want… You Get Who You Are | Self-Concept, Identity & Mindset
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You don’t get what you want in life. You get who you believe you are.
In this episode of Wandering the Wild Mess, I break down why self-concept and identity shape the life you experience. Your brain filters reality through the Reticular Activating System (RAS), highlighting evidence that confirms what you already believe about yourself.
If you believe you’re someone who figures things out, you’ll start seeing opportunities. If you believe things never work out for you, your brain will find proof of that too.
This episode, I'll go into:
• Why identity shapes your behavior and perception
• How the RAS filters what you notice in life
• Why habits stick when they become part of who you are
• The decision-making strategy called inversion used by Charlie Munger and Warren Buffett
• Why trying to solve everything at once keeps people stuck.
If you're starting over or trying to become the next version of yourself, this episode will remind you: Everything starts with who you believe you are.
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Transcript
Introduction to Self-Improvement
00:00:36
Speaker
You don't get a new life by wanting it. You get a new life by becoming the person who has it.
00:00:48
Speaker
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here. Hi guys. All right. We're talking about something that you love. Just kidding. i love, but you love too because you're becoming the best you. And that's why you're here because we're going to talk about how exactly you do that.
The 'I am' Mindset and Self-Concept
00:01:12
Speaker
And everything starts with i and And i know that you've probably heard that from before. i am, I am. And there's a lot of who you are in your words. And so I want to talk about this because my episode on self-concept was my, as is my most listened to episode. I have so many people talking about it. And I think it's because a lot of people are looking to, you know, grow
00:01:43
Speaker
grow their mindset. That's why you're here. So here we go. And also like want to change and evolve and expand and become a better person. I think that's what most humans want for themselves. They want a better life. They want the things that they
Neuroscience and Manifestation
00:01:59
Speaker
desire. And they know most of the time we know that that takes changes, you know, and a lot of times we think that's behavior. We think that's habits. We think that's creating more goals, all of those things. But I'm here to explain to you is that the truth of the matter is it is about I am.
00:02:21
Speaker
Who do you think you are? Because you don't get what you want. You get who you are. And I'll talk about why that is, because I often talk to people about this and it's It's so programmed in my brain now of all the studying I've done on neuroscience. And I love manifestation because it all ties together, right? Because it's really what your brain is filtering and it's increasing probability based on
00:02:52
Speaker
what is filtered through your RAS, right? I talked about that before, your reticular activating system
Beliefs and Opportunities
00:02:58
Speaker
in your brain. And I'll kind of give you some examples of how that works. But the reason why I'm telling you this is so important because I want you to have the life that you want, but you have to believe you're the person that can have the life you want because your beliefs – dictate what you see and then what opportunities come, what people come into your life, what things happen and how you move. So I'll give you a real example before I kind of dive into it. So you kind of understand what I'm talking about when I'm saying you have to
00:03:30
Speaker
believe it in yourself and it comes from self. So it's not even manifestation you ought to believe, oh, that ah that's going to happen and you manifest it. You manifest it from who you are because you think that you're the person that that happens to, that that happens for, that that arrives, all those things. It all comes back to i am the person. And this is how it works when it comes to neuroscience and your brain.
00:03:55
Speaker
So let me give you an example. Think of your day Like it's a 500-page textbook. And there's all these things that are happening throughout the day, right? So many things. You couldn't possibly, your brain cannot compute every single thing that's going on at every current like every moment of the day.
00:04:17
Speaker
There's 5,000 pages. What your RAS is like, it is highlighting all the things that it believes are relevant to who you are.
00:04:30
Speaker
So here's like an example I'll give you. Like if you think, oh, everyone always like everyone always cuts me off. like People are always rude. They're always ah selfish, whatever. Then you're gonna your brain's going to filter like, oh, look at that guy. He cut you off.
00:04:44
Speaker
Oh, look at that guy. He didn't do this. Oh, look, they never called me back. Oh, look, because you believe that people are all that
Altering Self-Concept and Perception
00:04:52
Speaker
way. So when the pages of the book are released and and they're being written in your day, what is being highlighted throughout the book is who you believe you are. You believe you're someone that people cut off.
00:05:08
Speaker
Everybody's rude. You believe people are like that to you. So that is what you see. That is what is highlighted in your brain. it It truly does that.
00:05:19
Speaker
Like this is neuroscience. It's not even me. And the way that you like, and so when I'm telling you this is that's why i want you to realize that when you change your self-concept, when you change the way you see yourself,
00:05:34
Speaker
The things that get highlighted are different. Because if you think you're the person that, you know, everyone does favors for, people are kind because you're kind. So you you think you give what you get, right?
00:05:49
Speaker
So then you do something kind and you you see that someone does something kind back. Because you believe, give what you get. and And that shows you back. It's true. Your brain wants to show you evidence of what you believe.
00:06:05
Speaker
So whatever you believe about yourself, it's like highlighting, oh, you're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. The highlights are just confirming you're right. They're neutral. It's not bad or good.
00:06:17
Speaker
Your brain doesn't know. It doesn't know if the self-concept you have about yourself is negative per se, if it's not helpful to your success, if it's not a good mindset. It doesn't know. It just knows what it's programmed to think about itself.
00:06:36
Speaker
And it kind of, well, I'm saying it, it kind of sounds a little, but it is that way. that That's how your brain works. And when i and the the thing is, is that it can always be trained. And that's why like learning something new, like i I like to use this example if you're going down this path with me because I really, really want you to get this concept because it's super important. And I'll give a book at the end that's super helpful and I'll link it on my website.
00:07:01
Speaker
ah website because i I geek out on this stuff. So I don't know if you care. Y'all care as much as I do. But it's helpful because if you're going to go into personal growth in any way, meaning you want to grow
Building Habits and Identity
00:07:14
Speaker
as a person, your identity is the main thing. And I i want to tell you that especially after, you know, a breakup, divorce, starting your own life over like who you become and the life that you want. I feel like most people that I interact with tell me like, that's the moment that they're like, well what do I want for myself now?
00:07:32
Speaker
What do I want my life to look like? And sometimes that's you in a relationship and you're like, I am fed up with the way that things are. And that's awesome. If you have a partner and you guys are doing this together and you're like, okay, we're going to change.
00:07:46
Speaker
you looking at yourself and being like, I'm the kind of person that does those things. That's when the behavior becomes natural. I'll give you like a really, I have so many examples, but I want to tell you this one that came up the other day. Someone was saying, yeah, I want to like make my bed, but like I just get busy and I don't always make my bed in the morning.
00:08:04
Speaker
And I thought, I could not not make my bed. It's not even a thought in my mind to not make my bed first thing in the morning. That's like I get up, obviously I'm there, I do my little my own little, I'm grateful, blah, blah, I did my whole little meditation moment. But once I get up out of bed, I literally make the bed. There's not even a thought like, am I gonna make the bed this morning? That's how you rewire your brain to new behaviors because it you just end up being the person. But I wasn't always. And that's what hit me when I was thinking about this episode is you you change and evolve as a person based on the person you want to be.
00:08:43
Speaker
So there was a point in time in my life where, and this was you know post-divorce, I think, because I didn't always make the bed at home. we We kind of switched off, whatever. But I was just like, I feel like more put together when I make the bed and I like how that feels. So I'm going to be the person that makes her bed every day.
00:08:58
Speaker
And I just kept doing it. And at the beginning, you know maybe I missed a day, whatever. It wasn't always. And then suddenly now someone brings that up and I think there is no way I would wake up and not make my bed. I can't even remember the last time that happened.
00:09:12
Speaker
That's how cool the brain is and how important it is to be aware of how it works because you train it to do those behaviors by repetition.
00:09:29
Speaker
And I've talked about the book Atomic Habits. It's such a good one. It's linked to my bio or my bio. It's linked on my podcast under books. But that is the same thing. It's you in repetition have to be that person.
00:09:42
Speaker
And you have to do those things over and over again. You can't just say, i want to change this thing and do it a couple of times and think it will stick.
00:09:54
Speaker
And when you, but when you believe that you are the person, that is who you are. It's a whole different, you just move through the world like it is. Of course, I make my bed. That's who I am.
00:10:05
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Of course, I have this thing. That's who I am. Of course, someone's speaking to me kindly because why wouldn't they? And it's just becomes how you move through the world.
00:10:18
Speaker
And I think one of the key examples of how like this, ah like neuroplasticity works and how obviously like musicians even playing like musical instruments, at they can do that while they're doing this, while they're doing that, that takes repetition, right? They've like literally rewired the signals in their brain to continually be able to do that without even thinking. And one that we all really have that's a good example. So this is what the brain does. And when you think about it, you'll be like, yeah, this is what you could do for anything in your life.
00:10:51
Speaker
Driving. So like you're what, 16, 15, trying to learn to drive. It feels so foreign. You're like, where's my foot? Right, left, what pedal? I don't even know. Am I going to crash? Everything. You have to concentrate so much because you don't know. It's just it's a new behavior.
00:11:05
Speaker
And you're like, oh, and just does not feel normal. And I'm sure you can take your 15, 16 year old self back to when you first learned to drive and you're like, this was not comfortable. This was not just immediate. You didn't just jump in the car and then you started driving. You like there was this anxiety. It was new. It was whatever. And that's your nervous system going like, this is not safe because I'm not familiar with it. Right. And so all of those things are happening. It's not like it takes a rocket scientist to drive a car, but at the beginning, it's just new for you and you haven't done it. And it feels like a lot.
00:11:39
Speaker
Well, anyways, now you probably drove to wherever you drove today and you probably didn't even remember anything that you did mechanically to get there. You weren't like, oh, I had my left foot then my right. You didn't even think about driving. It's literally that wired in your brain to just operate in that way without thought.
00:11:57
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You probably were thinking about a million other things and
Growth and Overcoming Doubts
00:12:02
Speaker
didn't think about driving. the fact that you're operating a vehicle that could literally, you know what i mean? do you just You just do it.
00:12:09
Speaker
That is the same with programming other things in your mind. You are just doing them repeatedly from identity. When you're that kid, you're like, I want to drive. I'm someone that has a driver's license. I want to drive. I want to i want to be that person. The desire is so strong for me to be someone that gets to drive that I'm just going to keep doing it And then one day you just kept doing it because now I have a driver's license. I can drive and you believe you can drive. So you're driving, you're driving. And now it looks like you don't even think about it. You're just doing it.
00:12:41
Speaker
That's so cool. I love that about the brain. And that is so much of our lives is when we are sitting there like um I'll say like it, the I am piece.
00:12:54
Speaker
is the reason i am matter so much is because identity determines perception, behavior, and nervous system regulation.
00:13:06
Speaker
So it's not just motivation, it's neurological. Your brain filters reality based on who you believe you are.
00:13:16
Speaker
And that was kind of back to the 500-page book. And so the biggest way to really... change your life and grow into the person that you want to become is to be really clear on who you want to be.
00:13:34
Speaker
Who am I? And not who you used to be, not who your parents said you should be, not who, who do you want to be? Who am i
00:13:47
Speaker
And once you've defined that you
00:13:52
Speaker
And the desire is strong to be that person.
00:13:57
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The only thing stopping you from becoming that person is doubt, is the fear, is the, wow, that's a lot of things that I've never done. But if you really want to be that person and you can really see yourself being that person, then it's possible.
00:14:16
Speaker
Just like when you first got behind a wheel, you knew, of course, I can drive a car eventually, but it's not like you just jumped behind the car and had no nerves, no questions, no, no, is this really going to work? You knew at one day you were going to be driving and not thinking about you knew somehow because there's like millions of people driving every day.
00:14:36
Speaker
But in that moment at the beginning, you didn't know how, but it's OK. You don't have to. You don't have to solve for everything. Do you think you're like, well, what ah I'm not going to drive? Because what if I get in a wreck? What if one day, 10 years from now, I get in a wreck?
00:14:51
Speaker
No one would be driving. you know what I'm saying? But a lot of things in our life outside of driving, we think that we need to like figure out 10 years, two years, the path, the whole thing. No, you just have to be the person.
00:15:04
Speaker
And the person that you want to become will figure it out as they go. We're stopping o ourselves so many times from climbing a mountain because we're worried about how we're going to get over these boulders that haven't even we haven't even ran into yet.
00:15:17
Speaker
How you're going to get over it, John, is you're going to climb just like you're climbing the mountain. You know what i mean? Or you could stand there and never get to where you want to be.
00:15:27
Speaker
And i think what I want to tell you in this I Am that's so important to me is that there are so many people that I meet that I'm like, dude, you are amazing.
00:15:41
Speaker
But they have let fear and try to figure it all out, stop them. But if they knew they were the person that could do it, they would also know they're the person that can get over anything that comes along the path, that they could climb over that hurdle.
00:16:00
Speaker
And I want to tell you about this really cool thing that I learned about um that I was reading. And it's it's called Inversion. and it was created by a mathematician like in the 19th century. ah But it was used by, now I'm going to forget his name, Munger.
00:16:17
Speaker
ah Charlie Munger, I think is his name. And he was an advisor for Warren Buffett. And obviously Warren Buffett, super successful man, probably know who he is.
00:16:28
Speaker
And this is a oftentimes when we think about identity, and I want to kind of put this in perspective because we're talking about the people with billions of dollars in the world,
Inversion Thinking and Avoiding Failure
00:16:36
Speaker
right? And this is what they're using. So Munger used this concept of inversion. So what it basically is, is instead of you thinking, okay, this is what I want to do.
00:16:48
Speaker
How do I do it? The question becomes, what is the one thing that would make sure that I fail at that?
00:17:00
Speaker
So it's almost like in math, you're you're answering the question backwards instead of doing the problem. You're like, what do i what's the one thing that I do to that I won't, that I'll fail?
00:17:11
Speaker
So like, say for me, we'll use this example. You have a podcast. You want to grow this podcast podcast. What would be the one thing that I could do that would make this podcast not be successful?
00:17:25
Speaker
Not record the podcast. And when you break it down into that inversion, it's like, okay, so that's all I have to do. I have to record the podcast. i don't have to figure out 50 steps, but if I think, how do I make this podcast successful?
00:17:40
Speaker
i think of 50 million things that I could probably need to do and it's a million tabs open in my head and a million scary things. And I'm like, I don't know if I can do all those things. And it feels like a lot. That triggers fear.
00:17:52
Speaker
But saying, well, what do i need what do I do that makes me fail? what would ah How do i fail at this? Then I'm suddenly in like analytical mode like, oh, oh, I just don't record a podcast. Okay, well, I'm not gonna do that because wanna get there, so I'll just record the podcast.
00:18:11
Speaker
And that feels so much more simple. Just think about that how that feels about anything that you wanna do. It changes it from solving for everything to solving one thing first And the problem, nobody moves, you get frozen by the idea of trying to do all the things. Do think any large company or corporation, I mean, even in my corporate background, like there's big things they were doing and they maybe didn't do them perfectly the whole long way, but I'll tell you that they had to have that logic to even start to grow that big.
00:18:51
Speaker
You have to start small. If you tried to solve every single problem that could ever happen within a business or anything, you would just not even start one.
Identity-Based Problem Solving
00:19:00
Speaker
Because there's a million risks along the way.
00:19:05
Speaker
That's, the the the path is not risk averse like adverse, like you're not going to create a path that there's absolutely no risks that are gonna come. There's no, that's just, there's not.
00:19:16
Speaker
But if you truly want it then don't focus on all the risks and all the and discomfort and all the things that are going to, the hard things that are going to come up. You're just going to focus on like, well, what's the thing the one thing that I would make this fail? And then I'm just not going to do that.
00:19:34
Speaker
And then I'm just not going to do that. And it changes everything and the energy about that. for you. And so I love thinking about that's how things happen. And I'll tell you, love him or hate him, and this is not about that. But I read about Elon Musk when he wanted to make that spacecraft or whatever. And I'm not really a news girly, but I read about mindset. So this is what what was interesting.
00:20:02
Speaker
And um they said it's going to be all this money to bill or to buy this spacecraft. So using inversion, he's thinking, okay, well, how would I fail not have a spacecraft? So what do I do instead?
00:20:19
Speaker
oh i can build one instead. And then it's like, because he couldn't find a way for the money. But that could just stop you if you didn't think, well, how do I fail? i never i never get a spacecraft. Well, this is I can't get a spacecraft with it because it costs that much money. So how else can I get a spacecraft? Oh, I can build one.
00:20:44
Speaker
It opens your mind to other possibilities instead of just like, oh, I can't do it. You go, oh, there's another way to do it.
00:20:55
Speaker
And that's exactly what he did. Sometimes we get so stuck on the only path that everyone else has always done when we're on our journeys. We're like, well, these people, no, that's the only way. I can only buy one, but I don't have the money.
00:21:13
Speaker
Okay, well, you so you got to solve the you got to do the one thing and and it's not have a spacecraft. So how else do I do it? Find another way to get the spacecraft. Okay.
00:21:24
Speaker
Do you know I'm saying? And what is that way? Build it myself. Buy the materials and have people build it. How much is that? Like, and it seems like it would be obvious now that we know it, but so many things in our life, we stop because we think of the first roadblock and it seems hard and then we go, oh, nevermind. But the people that move through the world successfully with the life that they want, they're not stopping at the first block in the road.
00:21:53
Speaker
They're taking a step back. They're not trying to boil the ocean. and they're just like, okay, what's the next best step? What's the next way to do it? When your identity is set on, I always figure this out.
00:22:07
Speaker
I always find a way because that's who I am. you're going to find a way because your identity is i always find a way. And do you see why that's an important unlock?
00:22:22
Speaker
When you just don't have that self-trust, when you're not moving and operating through the world like I am someone that can figure it out, then you won't because you don't think that you are that person that solves that problem.
Self-Trust and Achieving Goals
00:22:39
Speaker
Everything starts with who you think you are. And I think about, I'm going to tie this back before I end this onto even, and just because I talk about divorce, I think about it often when people say like, I can't believe you just like moved across the country alone. You didn't know anyone. You did it on your own, whatever.
00:23:01
Speaker
And I realized I had so much self-trust in my ability to figure out and navigate my own life that that's why I did it.
00:23:17
Speaker
It wasn't because i'm I'm so brave because it was still scary. I realized when I looked back at it, it's because I had so much trust in my ability to be the person that always figures it out and that it will always work out for me and that I'll be able to navigate any roadblock that comes in front of me which there were and I got through it and the confidence that that builds in yourself and your trust in your ability to lead yourself is
00:23:55
Speaker
it it's there's really no amount of money that can replace it because everything in life starts with who you think you are. And the more you allow yourself to build trust and confidence in your ability to self-lead and make the choices that even when the hard things, even you'll end up getting through them and then you only get off on the other side stronger.
00:24:18
Speaker
Because you led yourself through it. So really it is strength. It is. i mean, I talk about abundance. People want to, I want to have more abundance, more wealth in my life. Do something hard.
00:24:31
Speaker
Because I promise you that nobody's ever gotten a big reward from their comfort zone. So you've kind of got to branch out and decide who you are. And that person is kind of someone that's a little bolder.
00:24:46
Speaker
And a little less afraid.
00:24:49
Speaker
So i will end this by saying, I'm not like, if your nervousism isn't ready for a change, you can sit where you are. But if you are looking for a change in your life, I want you to start with who you are, what you deserve, what you want from life, how you speak to yourself is key here.
00:25:10
Speaker
And it's so important in creating the life that you desire.
00:25:16
Speaker
And I'll end this by saying, and that's those around you too.
Conclusion: Power of Self-Identity
00:25:20
Speaker
Do not let anyone outside yourself dictate who you are because you know who you want to be.
00:25:29
Speaker
And if you want that for yourself, then you're worthy of it and you can have it. You just have to decide.
00:25:38
Speaker
This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.