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91. Dating After Starting Over with Taylor Ely
84 Plays20 days ago
Starting over changes more than your life... it changes what you're willing to accept in a relationship. It also has a funny way of sending you back into the world of dating, whether you feel ready or not...
In this episode, Heather sits down with her good friend, life and relationship coach, and fellow podcast host, Taylor Ely, to talk about dating after starting over, leaving relationships that are "good enough," raising your standards, healing after heartbreak, and learning how to stay open to love without closing your heart.
Taylor shares her journey of ending a relationship she thought would lead to marriage, moving to Nashville on her own, navigating dating apps, learning to be comfortable alone, and ultimately finding a healthy relationship after getting clear on what she truly wanted.
Together, Heather and Taylor discuss modern dating, situationships, emotional availability, self-worth, healing, faith, and why the relationship you want often requires becoming the version of yourself that's willing to stop settling for less.
If you're single, starting over, healing from heartbreak, or wondering if real love still exists, this conversation will remind you that your relationship status doesn't determine your worth, and that sometimes the right relationship arrives when you finally stop choosing from fear and start choosing from alignment.
Promise, you'll get something you need to hear from this conversation.
If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to rate the podcast five stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟. It really helps others find the show.
Make sure to subscribe, follow, and share it with a friend who needs it!
Stay connected and check out all the ways you can follow along!
- Host Instagram: @heatherdyann
- Host Facebook: heatherdyanmorgan
- Website: www.wanderingthewildmess.com
- TikTok: @wanderingthewildmess
- Subscribe to YouTube: www.youtube.com/@wanderingthewildmess
Find free mindset tools & more here: https://stan.store/wanderingthewildmess
About the Guest: Taylor Ely is a life and relationship coach, host of the podcast Unlocking Her, and a Nashville-based content creator passionate about helping women build confidence, raise their standards, and create lives they genuinely love.
Connect with Taylor:
Instagram: @tayyele
Podcast: Unlocking Her
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Transcript
Intro
00:00:36
Speaker
Dating is wild. One day you're sharing a life with someone you've known for years, and the next you're sitting across from a stranger trying to decide if you want another drink. Nobody really prepares you for how different dating feels after a long-term relationship.
00:00:53
Speaker
The vulnerability, the awkwardness, the excitement, and the disappointment. Very real. So we're going to talk about it. Why modern dating can feel both exciting and completely ridiculous at the same time.
00:01:10
Speaker
ah Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy that you're here. Y'all, I'm so excited to talk to you about what we all know everyone wants to hear about, everyone wants to talk about, and maybe this is just my current universe of my life right now, but being single and dating again after a divorce or a long-term relationship. And it's kind of the elephant in the room because either you're actively dating and trying to find your person or you're absolutely exhausted from the reality of what it is.
00:01:43
Speaker
both be true. Yeah. can be true And so I want to welcome a guest of mine, a great friend I met out here in Nashville, who also has been navigating her own dating experiences after they're leaving a long term relationship and moving to Nashville on her own after that ended. So a lot of similarities to my story. And I think that you guys will really love what she has to say. So um welcome, Taylor Ely, to the show.
00:02:12
Speaker
Yes, well, I'm so happy to be here, and I feel like it's so for full circle to be on your podcast, being that we met at a podcast party a year and a half ago, and it's just crazy, I think, just for the both of us, just all the ways life has changed since then and evolved and grown, and obviously you're being one of my closest friends here, and it's just funny. It's like, yeah, sometimes when you take the leap, you just don't know like who you're going to connect with kind of on the way down, and so it's been really fun to be on the journey. Well, Let's kind of get into, you're right, we did meet. We were both single. And the crazy thing about when Taylor and I met, I've talked about this in the podcast a lot, guys, you know, that like I truly believe that you attract what you are. And when you're moving in alignment, the things that are meant for you come your way. And I do truly think looking back, meeting Taylor was a big point in my life because I'd went to this podcast house. I didn't know anyone. We learned now we both were kind of like, oh, should I go, know? Exactly. I walk in and literally one of the the guys at the podcast house was like, ah do you want to like record a podcast right now? And I'm like, and I i got to say yes, you know? um And so I go in and then it's Taylor and I. And think we were doing some questions that I got really vulnerable about, like so my starting over. I think I was going through it.
00:03:28
Speaker
And i you kind of lit up because you were like, oh. Similar. Yeah. Like same journey. So like, let's talk a little for the background. You're in a relationship thinking it's going to be the one thinking it's going marriage for you. And then it isn't like walk me through like what that was feeling like for you.
00:03:48
Speaker
Definitely. So yeah, just like a little background on me. i am from Chicago, but moved to Michigan, was living there for about 12 years. And it was just like a really small town, honestly, and college town, mind you. And so I was there really from when I started college to when I was 30. So there's a lot of life. like lived in there, right? A lot of dating experiences. And yeah, so kind of what ended up happening is I got into a serious relationship. I want to say I was 27, but don't quote me on that. It was around then.
00:04:17
Speaker
and you know, got into this relationship with a really good guy, like obviously great person. And we dated for like two and a half years. And I was just living in a town in a space where like you're married by 30 or there's something wrong with you. Like, even when I was like dating in my late 20s and even when I got into this serious relationship, people would literally come up to me and say to me like, wow, like, I really hope this is it you know? And you're like, that your life is over if this one's not it. Well, I think because also it's like it was a very small Christian Dutch town. Right. And obviously still a great place. But I think there was a lot of conditioning around like when you should get married, when you should have kids. I'm also a life coach. And i think um that was really helpful getting into the coaching space because I think I started learning about limiting beliefs and like what is societal conditioning and, you know, learning about that, but still having like the foundation of faith. And so when I was dating my ex,
00:05:14
Speaker
I think I started to think through some of that, you know, but again, it's like a lot of my friends are married. And so it it was a tough spot to be because I was like, OK, this is the best relationship I've had or that I've been in Maybe this is all there is, you know, and I'm sure you can like resonate with that, too, because it's like when you get into relationships, sometimes friendships, romantic, it's like Sometimes you're like, okay, this is it. Like, this is the best I've ever experienced. And I honestly think sometimes God comes and is like, hey, I actually have something different for you. That's going to be a little off, like, the beaten path, but it's still going to be amazing.
00:05:51
Speaker
Will you trust me? And I think a lot of people are afraid to go down that route. And I think that's how you and I connected is because we both moved to Nashville from that kind of space. And you said something I think a lot of people can probably relate to is when they're like, I think this is the best I've ever had. This the best I can get. And there comes a point where you're like, you kind of maybe have an inkling like this isn't probably for me. Like, I don't think this is the right marriage, relationship, yeah whatever. But you're like, but it's not bad. Right. And it's working and I could make it work.
00:06:25
Speaker
And so what do you think really just made you realize that you were going to not just go with good enough and like something more? Like, what do you think really did that for you? yeah You know, honestly, i think a big part of it for me was community and having really awesome friends who know me really well and know when something's not the right fit for me.
00:06:47
Speaker
And like having community that knows when you're kind of like, I don't want say pretending, but when you're kind of like, yeah, this is good enough. Right. And I've had multiple friends who have gone through serious relationships ending as well as divorce. I went on a life coaching retreat and it was really funny. Like God just kept putting people on my path who had either gotten engaged and broken off an engagement or broke off serious relationships and really like what it felt like in their body. And so I think as they were describing just like the feeling of,
00:07:19
Speaker
having a lack of peace and really just like not able to be like your full authentic self. I think I started like some light bulb started to go off. And, you know, one of my favorite quotes that one of my old coaches used to say to me is like your intuition like whispers before it screams. And I think my intuition had just been kind of pinging and going off of like,
00:07:41
Speaker
you're not going to be happy if you continue this. You can, and it's going to look really great on the surface, and you'll have the pictures and the wedding and all this stuff. And God's like, that's not really what you desire. Like, it's going to it's going to appease everybody else in your life, but there's something deeper, i think, that God is after, so you know, especially when it's just with authenticity, whether it's friends or romantic partners. And So I kind of was like, ooh, okay, this is really hard. A lot of people in my life didn't get it. But ultimately, I knew was the right decision. And I think being out of it now, you know, a couple years out, was like, that was definitely right the right choice. And I think that's, I love that. I think I've talked about that a lot in the podcast. A lot of my episodes, really, Taylor, is just how even in my life and with my ex-husband, kind of the same thing where you can stay. I could have made it work. Mm-hmm. But you know in your heart that it's like more, I i think a lot of us are getting conditioned to do a lot of things for everybody else. Yeah. Like meaning not just like they care if you get married per se, but maybe like because everyone else would be like, look ah Taylor's married by 30 and the pictures are beautiful and she's a great bride. And and like those things are great, but are they that, they're they're not what really makes like if you come home every day and you don't feel seen by your partner. Right.
00:09:01
Speaker
Like, is that worth, you know, a beautiful wedding picture on the wall? And I think that's I think what I would hope as listeners, if you're listening and you're maybe relating to that, that you're thinking through. Yeah. That what do you really want? You know, um and now when we talk about that, think about dating. So you're like, this isn't what I want. But then you come to Nashville and you're like, but now I have to date again.
00:09:26
Speaker
Yes. So I got the actual crash course. God's like, all right, here you go. I'm sending you in Just get ready. You're going to have a lot of content to be able to coach other women from what you go through. Because you're like on the front lines with like just you come and you have a ton of friends. so you're like,
00:09:46
Speaker
You're gone on the apps. I did. And you're like, here we are in Nashville. I'm on the apps. Like, this is a bigger city because you're used to the smaller town. And then, like, what was your initial experiences like to date? Because you're going from I could be engaged and I live in a small town to I'm moving to Nashville. I know like three people. Yeah. And now I'm on the apps in Nashville, Tennessee.
00:10:08
Speaker
And I feel like my my people from Nashville that are listening are like, oh girl. Yeah, they get it. Yeah. Get it. Yeah. And well, for me, so when my relationship ended and I moved to Nashville, like, I'm giving myself six months from when we break up. I was like, i'm not going to date in there. Right. If somebody asks me out i'm going to say no.
00:10:27
Speaker
And of course, I like briefly went on a dating app in there and then God was like, get off the app. So I was like, OK, so then. Once I finally did start dating again, I was actually meeting a lot of people organically in person, but it's really funny because there's pros and cons to both, right? It's like when you meet people in person in Nashville, so many people are moving here to like make friends. They're starting over, right? Like it's a very like...
00:10:49
Speaker
don't want transient city, but a lot of people are moving here from other places and they want to just be friends. Right. So I'd have a lot of guys asking me to hang out, go to dinner, asking me to group. of Right. So it was kind of this weird thing of like, wow, this is like really fun. But then it kind of would get kind of gray and confusing because I was like, wait a second.
00:11:07
Speaker
I want to be my husband. i probably need to, you know, have a little bit of higher standards of like how I'm just spending my time. And so that was definitely a learning curve for me because, again, when I was in Michigan, there just wasn't as many options to date, which probably sounds kind of bad. But like being a Nashville, it's like you come here and it's almost like whiplash because they're like I've never met so many single people in my life. But also, i hate to say it, a lot of emotionally unavailable people that you have to really sift through. and it so it was definitely quite a journey, to say the least. Yeah.
00:11:41
Speaker
I do agree that it's so different. And we've talked about this before because my friends back at home are all married with kids. Like I didn't I never met so many people that were like yeah that were like older that had never been married and didn't have kids and whatever. I mean, it's just such a difference. So you're like that was a big shock for me to come out and like be like, wow, there's just it's a whole different world. It's like it's not a good or bad or whatever. It's just different, you know? that's the thing that I like I tell clients or different people if they're like they don't like where they it's like there's pros and cons to both right it's like when I was living in Michigan it's like it was just easier kind of just of this peaceful single life and then it's like here there's obviously so much going on that's so great but then yeah it's like navigating the dating scene was just really interesting but I'm really grateful because I actually was working with a coach for the first six months that I was living here and
00:12:36
Speaker
I always prided myself and be like, I just have such high standards and like, I know what I want and I'm, you know, really like sticking to it. And then I'd meet with her and I'd share with her about these guy situations I was dealing with. And it was a lot of the similar patterns that I'm, you and I have even processed from different things. And she was just like, if you really want to meet your partner, you're going to need to start getting even clearer on what you're not like tolerating really. And I think In the past, a lot of men kind of saw me as like the cheerleader, or the inspiring one that they kind of always have in like their back pocket a little bit. And I allowed it. And then it kind of got to a point where like I think when I, you know, moving into my deeper into my 30s, where I was like kind of transitioning from like the nice girl who kind of never ruffled feathers, never said no entertained every text to kind of being more like respected woman of like I'm holding kind of this like sacred energy for my person and it's like I don't need to have a ton of guy friends that I'm calling up on the phone all the time or going out with one-on-one like every now and then right with like select people but I was like that's not really the type of energy that I want to hold because I want there to be space for my person to be able to come on in you know i think
00:13:53
Speaker
ah Now that I'm single and like lot, you know, it's just a different world. yeah And a lot of what we read and we you and I post on threads sometimes and we'll read like, i mean, that's a whole other time. But but you see it that people are like, oh, you have all these standards. How are you going to ever ever meet anyone? And I always think that that's so funny because...
00:14:13
Speaker
It's not like we're like, no men are good enough. no no No. It's never like that kind of energy. It's just really about like who's aligned for me. And ah do I want to give my time to that I see like absolutely where it goes, whether it is like, do I think that this friendship brings enough value right to my life? Not meaning that person's not valuable. right Just like, is it a good exchange of energy for me or not? And then like, or Because you're right. If you're giving up all your time to all these people that you know aren't your husband and that's what you're looking for, then how do you have the space for them? You know? 100%. You have to have... i think that's where I've seen with a lot of clients that I've worked with. I've seen it with myself. It's like...
00:14:57
Speaker
almost as women, we're afraid to be alone, right? We're afraid to be, like, alone. Like, not, like, you know, doing stuff every single night, but, like, really sitting with yourself. And I really did that for the first six months after my breakup. And, of course, I got to Nashville and was, like, doing stuff. But at the same point, like, I had a lot of holidays alone, weekends alone, time by myself. It was so uncomfortable. I just remember being like, God, I'm here in my 30s. Like, I'm having all these weird dating experiences. Looking back, I think it was kind of this journey of, like, raising my standards and, like, really kind of clearing out the scarcity mindsets, right? Mm-hmm.
00:15:35
Speaker
There's just a lot of conditioning around being single in your 30s and 40s. And a lot of women are like afraid to let go of toxic friendships, let go of the situationships, let go of the guy that's Snapchatting you like all the time on the weekends. Right. And it's like we're afraid to let go of that because we're afraid nothing else is going to come. But that's literally the thing that blocks you. From actually what you really deeply want. And a lot of people don't own it because they're really afraid of what it's going to cost them. Right. In terms of like a healing season and, you know, what if it doesn't come? And it's like you have to hold that faith and know that like God ultimately knows like the right timing and just kind of staying in that abundance mindset. Right.
00:16:22
Speaker
Well, and actually that circles back to both of why we left, right? Because we knew something was better. So sometimes it's like letting go of those things, that situationship, that yeah you know relationship that you know isn't going anywhere with that yeah person. And it's not because you don't care about them. Like you cared about, you know, the the man you almost married, right? Like I cared about my ex-husband. But if it's not for you, it took so much faith and trust to leave a marriage. Yeah. Because there were times I was like, am I ever even going to meet someone again? Right. You know, but there you ultimately have to make the decision is like
00:16:59
Speaker
i This isn't for me. It's just kind of passing the time. That's what I came to that conclusion. Like I could stay in my marriage, but I knew inevitably it would probably end. right And I would just have wasted more of my time. Right. You know, and I think that's a good call out to both men and women. Like when you're dating someone or be, you know, entertaining a whole bunch of people that you know isn't what you want.
00:17:22
Speaker
Like it you're not getting closer to what you you want. You don't have the space for it. Yeah. and honestly, I know you and I have talked about this, but I think just in the modern dating scene, especially in Nashville, I've seen dating in a city. It's like everybody wants the emotional connection, but a lot of people haven't done the inner work to actually be ready for a commitment and to be ready for what it actually takes to be in a relationship. It's time, it's energy, it's money.
00:17:50
Speaker
And it's really interesting because I've never met as many people single into their late 40s, 50s here. And then it's like you just watch the same cycles. and I've had friends and I'm just like, wow, this is just so interesting to like watch as again.
00:18:04
Speaker
i don't have it all figured out, but it's like knowing about our subconscious mind and how we do stay in what's familiar. And we just repeat and repeat and repeat until you have courage to really kind of break the pattern and break the loop that's keeping you stuck in what you really don't want. And that actually is perfectly with what you said earlier about like being alone, because I think a lot of people don't break that cycle because I have friends in my circle that have been like, Heather, I just what do I do? I don't like to be alone. Yeah. um You know, and and I. I did the same thing. I mean, i I didn't date at all last year. Didn't go on one single date. yeah And it wasn't even intentionally. I did a lot of healing and I was, you know, I was traveling a lot for work too. I think I mentioned it in one of the other episodes. Like it was like November. My buddy's like, oh, lots lots of hot dates. And I was thinking, when it was the last time I went on a date? And it wasn't until like the fall of the end of the year that I even realized I hadn't even went on one, you know? And which is so wild to think about. But it was like, I was doing...
00:19:05
Speaker
I mean, I was busy with work, but I was really prioritizing like my own self. And being alone is when you can, there's a, there's a, I don't want, I, I would never recommend like just people be alone. I know I have no other girls in my life that are like, I'm not going to date. There's nobody out there. But I do think it, when you can sit and be alone with yourself, that is like a a power because you back to scarcity, you're not in that like, Oh, but if I'm alone, it's going to be awful because you've kind of like,
00:19:36
Speaker
made peace yeah with being alone. And I think that's kind of when you can be the best partner. Right. Because you're not like, oh my gosh, this this man or this woman has to like make everything better. Right. Because that's so much pressure for a partner to have. Yeah. You know?
00:19:54
Speaker
And so sitting with yourself, I think, I guess back to it, is this like a ah big thing when you know that you can do the holidays alone? Yep, exactly. You can do those things alone. and you will. and you Yeah.
00:20:05
Speaker
It's really powerful, I think, to It's just like this delicate balance, right, of like being okay with being alone but still owning a desire for a relationship, right? Because it's like there can be a lot of people who've been alone for 15, 20 years after a really rocky divorce or traumatic breakup.
00:20:24
Speaker
And then it's like they secretly want a relationship, but they're like, yeah, no, it's not worth the risk. But one of the things I love about you and just is that like you're comfortable alone, but you're also willing to be like, yeah, no, I own like I want a healthy masculine partner. And it's like I think that's that's the power as a woman when you can get to that place of like,
00:20:49
Speaker
I will not settle and I'm not going to lower the bar and like what I desire. And I'm holding space for the vulnerability of like what I really want and knowing that like God is able to do it, you know, like in his own timing, in his own way.
00:21:03
Speaker
Yeah. And then that and thank you, ah ah because that's kind of new for me to even open my heart that way, because i think for a long time I was I wasn't ever bitter. You know, I'm a big fan of men. You know, and my dad is my hero. But i um I definitely didn't know that I was like ready for that idea of partnership. And i I agree. I do know people that are like, I, you know, I don't know if it's worth the risk. And even I've thought that first after divorce, like, you know, you're so heartbroken. You're like the idea of just going through that kind of pain again just seems like yeah awful. But like something that happened recently, um i literally felt like God was like, you got to live.
00:21:42
Speaker
My last episode about like um when becoming your best self ah becomes exhausting. yeah It's like when you're can be exhausting. Yeah. That's all you're focused on. on It's so exhausting. You got to live. God's literally like yeah go live your life. You're not a healing only, you know. Right. And you and and I've talked about this. I think of but the episode with Kate, like.
00:22:03
Speaker
You kind of have to be in a relationship to find the other things that you don't even know you still need to work on. absolutely Because it will mirror back to you a lot of things that you need to see, you know? Yeah. And I know you've been learning that.
00:22:15
Speaker
have. Now that you, so you were dating and dating. Yeah. And then... You met someone. I did. this is exciting. Someone from Nashville met someone. Yeah. so But weirdly, he's not from Nashville. No, he's not from Nashville, which may be a blessing. But yeah. Yeah. No, it was it was really funny because i think it was back in the fall.
00:22:39
Speaker
You know, i was on a dating app and and had gone on dates with actually this this really nice guy and He was, like, super emotionally mature and, like, you know, had been married before, but, like, just so mature and such a good guy, such good energy. And I just hadn't experienced that a lot in Nashville. But then it got to a point where I was just like, okay, there's just some the big things that are kind of missing in terms of, like,
00:23:01
Speaker
I don't know, vision or alignment, priorities, stuff like that. And I had um yeah one of my close friends was kind of like, you know what? You got to get quicker at letting stuff go because that's when things come in. And it was tough. But I was like, you know what, God? I trust you. I'm going to take a break from dating. And I'm going to practice what I preach. And I went into my phone, got super specific, which I don't know if I had gotten this specific. I even was like appearance-wise, stop Which I don't usually do, truthfully. and But like very specific qualities about this person and like their hobbies and what they're interested in and like how they show up and personality.
00:23:40
Speaker
I was like, okay, I'm literally not going to date anybody unless they're like dream guy material. Like I'm not going on a coffee date. I'm not hanging out with the guy. Like I'm not doing any of that. i'm going to focus on my business and my friends and my life. And i think it was like a month. Yeah, it was like a month later I met someone at this event. We had this like 30 second in her interaction. It was like so short. And then, you know, we connected on Instagram and had a lot of like mutual interests and stuff and in the coaching realm and things. And then, yeah, he kind of started pursuing me and it kind of just came out of left field. But it was really funny because it was literally everything. that I had written down and I didn't do a single thing to like stir this up because I was in like such, he actually jokes that it's like, I kind i don't want to say I put him in the friend zone, but I was just like, so even when I met him and because I was the one who went up to him, it just was like very much so like, I was like, oh yeah, like I'll go up to him. like i have nothing to lose because I'm not looking to date.
00:24:41
Speaker
So it was just, it was overall just a really funny thing. and And a lesson for me on there's so much power in clarity. And not from a place of like, God, this is this is what I deserve. Right. Like kind of that attitude, but very much like surrender, let go.
00:24:58
Speaker
Here's the intention. And I'm going to hold to these standards and like really what I'm looking for, because that's that's really what I want. And I think in the past I would kind of settle for like, all right, they've got like 60 percent of what I want or whatever.
00:25:11
Speaker
they're attractive, but they don't have a really deep relationship with God or, you know, they're, they have all these other things, but they're really fun or, you know, and so it's just kind of this trade off. And I was like, I can't keep doing that if I really want to meet my person. And so I think that was, that was a huge shift for me personally, I think when it came to dating. yeah.
00:25:32
Speaker
And I am so happy because I do feel like he is a really aligned partner for you. So I love that. But I was thinking about it from a listener's perspective while you're speaking. And I know a lot of people are probably like, well, you can't have everything. You can't just find the perfect, you know, because I think a lot of people have said that when I talk about setting intentions about what you want and you deserve. It's not like you're saying like,
00:25:56
Speaker
so specific that like every attribute there's nothing about your partner that you're like no one's perfect you know what i mean it's about the energy yeah it's about it's truly about value alignment energy and your intuition and I think that when those three are aligned like you feel more peaceful and like the green flags you can be your authentic self with the person um because honestly it's like my my boyfriend is so different Like polar opposite of like any guy I've dated ever, you know? and so it's like, it's just so interesting because like, yeah, sometimes I think God will surprise you with something that maybe isn't on your list, right? Because there are things about him that I didn't have on the list. And I think that you're right. On the flip side of that, some people could be almost so particular because there is a fear, right? Of like control, right? They're like, I must have... everything on this list and what i would say to that is of course you want to date from a space of openness god cares about the details right and doesn't mean you need to be dating a supermodel necessarily but i think yeah it's like having that posture of openness and surrender but also intentionality because some people are dating like gosh i don't even know what i want like all of these guys have disappointed me but it's like
00:27:16
Speaker
That's why healing is so important, you know, and we've connected on this. It's like once you heal, what you look for kind of shifts, right? Or even like what you think is possible for you shifts because you start expanding and start realizing like, wow, like what I thought I wanted before was maybe kind of this certain mold. Because it's like for me, I did a very specific type of Christian guy in the past who you know it would impress certain people. And and it's like it was like an old version of me connected with that. And maybe your ego was like, that makes me, like, elevates Not that you were, like, egotistical. And I wasn't conscious of it. I think that was part of It was like I was not...
00:27:57
Speaker
conscious of the fact that I was doing that. And then I think now that I've grown, I'm like, yeah, like what I'm looking for is way different. And of course I, you know, care what my parents think or care what friends think. Right. But it's like the people in my life now, i think are very aligned and I think know me well and even like friends from my past. Right. And so, yeah, it really is just like a journey. And I think that's why it's been helpful, you know, recently working with a coach or someone that can kind of be a mirror for you and learning how to be a mirror for yourself Yeah. You know, and learning the power of like self-reflection is also huge. It's funny because Taylor is someone that was like we talked about dating all the time. And I just feel like for me, like how did you just think that like the apps just don't even like how do you yeah how did you go back into dating after? Because I feel like a lot of my listeners that have been divorced like
00:28:51
Speaker
The idea of it after you kind of thought you had your forever, was it just your desire for partnership and marriage was so strong that you were like, I'm just throwing myself back in there? Like, what what do you think made it so easy for you? Like, you were like, I have to be open to have this or you know what mean? Because some people struggle with even like the idea of like dating. And it seems like for you, you're like, I'll give me some space, but I'm new. You knew you were going to go back into dating. Yeah, you know definitely. yeah And I wouldn't say it was easy by any means. Right. But I think I think for me, it's like, yeah, I knew that a genuine desire for me was to be married one day, to have a family, have kids and just have that person. Right. Like have your person. And, you know, something I've even taught clients, it's like anything worth having requires vulnerability and risk. And when it comes to dating,
00:29:42
Speaker
It's almost like anytime I've met a partner, like a past boyfriend or person, it was when I was in the energy of openness. Right. And it's funny because I've actually never gotten into a relationship with someone off of a dating app Right. Like I've met all all different people I've dated. Not that there's that many, but, you know, I've met them in person. But it was funny because like with the person I'm dating now, this was the only time where I was not on the apps like when I met him. But with previous partners, I think it was like.
00:30:12
Speaker
I was just like, okay, God, I'm opening the doors. Right. And I think for, for people, people think like, oh, if I go on the apps, I'm going to I have to meet my husband. It's like, no, you can meet your husband at the grocery store. Right. But it's like, when you start to heal and work on yourself, you're,
00:30:31
Speaker
you start to view yourself differently and realize that, okay, like what I have is rare, right? Like the work I've done on myself, my confidence, my values, like the way I carry myself in dating, the way that I treat a partner. And that's not vanity. That's just like when you do the work on you, like we've talked about, when you do the work on yourself,
00:30:51
Speaker
you know what you bring to the table. And so I had done a lot of healing in that those months after my relationship. And I think that one of the nice things about dating apps is, I mean, hopefully a lot of people on there are going on with the intention of at least going on dates with a romantic intention, whether it's a serious relationship, whether it's marriage, whether it's just having fun. Right. And so i was kind of like wanting a little bit more clarity because So I was meeting a lot of guys in person, which was great. Right. But sometimes there was a little bit of lack of intention of like, hey, I would really like to take you on an official date, ah you know. And so I think I was kind of wanting that a little bit and kind of trying to remove myself from some of those murky gray because we've all been there. Right. Like just different, more things.
00:31:39
Speaker
situationship type things. Like you're hanging out and you're like, what are we? But you're like you're not going to have the what are we. 100%. And I think that's something I would encourage women. It's like if you're even having ask the question of what are we, then the person that you are seeing, hanging out with,
00:31:54
Speaker
Likely doesn't want a serious relationship because when men are a mature and ready for a relationship, they move differently. Right. They are intentional from day one with what what they want with you. And again, not in a way of like, you're my wife or you're my person, but in a way of like, hey, I really appreciate you. i I would really like to get to know you more and take you on a date. Right. No crazy commitment, but just in the sense of like they value and respect your time, you know, and sometimes with certain men, I think when they're confused or when they're not doing their own healing work or clearing out some wounds and stuff from their exes, they kind of move very apprehensively and hesitantly. And women feel that. Right. And then you feel insecure and you're like, well, what is what's going on here?
00:32:44
Speaker
And I think when you're in that position, it's just like not a fun place to be. so I think that's a good valid point, too. I got Josh Terry on my podcast and he talked about like you don't have to date to be like everyone thinking that you're going to marry everyone. But you should be honest in front with your intentions with them. You know what I mean? And I think I think that goes both ways. i think just there's probably more women that are intentionally looking for like marriage. Yeah. But I you know, and I think.
00:33:13
Speaker
I'm not saying men aren't looking for that too, but I do agree with you. I, and I've told my friends, like, if you're confused, you then it's probably not. he He probably doesn't have intentions to seriously, you know, court you or whatever. It doesn't mean he's trying to marry you, but like, I do agree that men are very, and that's coming from someone that was like married and he had all guy friends. And like, i I watched that play out time and time again, that if you really think a girl has that potential Yeah. To be your partner. You're not really taking it very lightly, you know, forgetting. Because she carries herself differently. And honestly, so much shifted in my dating life over the last couple years when I stopped entertaining the wishy-washiness, right? Like where I kind of stopped trying to stir stuff up with guys, which sounds kind of, and again, it's okay to show interest, right? But it's like, if I was honest with myself, it's like, I'd be the one, you know, following them on social media. I'd be the one. set In the past, not in the yeah super in the last couple of years, but I kind of was like, man, like I'm kind of stepping more into that masculine initiating type energy. And yet here I am saying I want a masculine initiatory type of partner, but I'm actually stepping in to fill the role from day one. So then he kind of just gets to chill a little bit.
00:34:33
Speaker
Yes. It's one thing to just like you introduce yourself to your boyfriend. Right. yeah When women say like, well, the man should do that, all that. It's not saying we can't be like, you know, giving a nudge, giving it a smile, giving out whatever. But I do agree that like yeah that when you're a woman, if you're like chasing that little bit, it's you're trying to get some validation that you have not been able to give to yourself.
00:34:54
Speaker
And in my experience, I think that is something that adds pressure to men because they feel like they can feel the energy that you need. you're It's almost a needy energy. yeah need the validation. And so they feel like instead of just being in your aura, your energy, having a good time being around you and it makes them feel peaceful, whatever, have fun. They feel like, oh, she needs something from me. Absolutely. And then it starts the whole dynamic with like this obligation.
00:35:27
Speaker
from the man to show up a certain way. And if I've learned anything in my marriage or whatever, like that, that pressure sometimes, like when men don't have an emotional connection to you yet, yeah it just feels like unnecessary for them. Right. You know what I mean? I think men want to show up and really do those kinds of things intentionally. But not every man. And I think that was something that I learned, too. I think the way God has even wired men and women, it's like, I think men deep down want that. But then what happens is they get hurt.
00:35:56
Speaker
They date a woman who doesn't appreciate them, who really hurts them, who cheats on them, whatever it is. Right. And then it's like suddenly they're afraid to step out and do that stuff because they haven't done any healing around it. And then they're walking around kind of resenting women, unfortunately. yes And then women are resenting men on the flip side because the men aren't stepping up to do that. it's like this crazy cycle of like hurt that's happening in the dating realm. And literally the only way to break it for yourself is for you to heal and to really...
00:36:32
Speaker
really embody that healing in such a way where you actually attract somebody else who is also on a similar journey or a similar wavelength of not blaming other people in the victimhood. Because there's a lot of victimhood in dating, I think.
00:36:44
Speaker
well and I think that was a perfect point to what we started with. It's like you meet you meet people that you're aligned with. like you attract who you are. Actually, the girl that did my blowout, to cla shout out to Claire, she was talking about even in doing hair, they're like, you attract the clients that you are. So when you heal, you're... in not going to attract these partners that are unhealed people that are like yeah in those cycles of victim or mad at the world. You know, you're not, you're not attracting those kinds of people because I almost feel like even if it's subconsciously, they can tell I'm not on that frequency. We're all on different journeys, but like that, I, it just insinuates you're not on the same floor. I'm on floor three and you're on floor two. Yeah. That's the, that's the best analogy that I've heard from a coach is like,
00:37:30
Speaker
when it comes to everything is energy, right? Like everything is moving and vibrating at a certain, like you said, certain vibration. It's not like new agey necessarily to say that. That's just the way that the world operates. It's like a certain radio station, right? It's like tuning everything.
00:37:45
Speaker
to that station of what you really deeply want if you weren't afraid of getting hurt and being able to hold it, right? And so that's why I honestly think, like, who you surround yourself with matters when you're single because, and when you're in a relationship too, right? But I think when you're single, you don't want to be around women who are bashing men, who are doing random hookups who are, you know, who are even speaking badly about other women, you know, because it's like it's just such a low, low energy. And I think ultimately it's shaping you whether you realize it or not. And I think
00:38:20
Speaker
it it took me a bit to like kind of recognize that when I got to Nashville because Nashville gets such a bad rap for the dating scene. And I was just like, I kind of need to like remove myself from this narrative because I know what I want is possible. And it's like, I know that how I carry myself in dating is different and like the type of person that I want to attract and that I know that I'm deserving of is going to be in a similar vein, you know? Yeah, no, I agree. And I i love that because I think Dating, a lot of times people think it's like a numbers game and that's why they do the apps too. you know And I've never resonated with that. like i see I get probability, but I definitely don't think it's just like with something so intentional about if you really do want like yeah to be married and have a partnership, especially from me being married. Like i
00:39:10
Speaker
When you've been married, then you, you like literally can put yourself back in every situation that you hard situation you went through with that person in a marriage. And there's a lot of things like, you know, my dad died. There's so many things that you're going to go through with that person. So to just pick anybody out of a probabilities game that like wants to get married is like. No.
00:39:30
Speaker
The wild, wild west to me. Like I wouldn't, I could never because it's like that person is really who you're going to do life with. And then, yeah. And then growing a family too. Like, is that the person that you want to like raise a family with? Like though there's a lot of big things when it comes to that. I think you can have fun. You have to be in the right. Like when I first moved to Nashville, like I wasn't thinking about dating. So it was fine to just be fun. I meet a lot of people, but now I'm not in that season anymore. yeah um It just feels a lot different. So I'm trying to like navigate what that will look like in this next season.
00:40:04
Speaker
Yeah, no, and I'm glad you brought that up because I think that I've encountered people on, like, both sides of the spectrum, right? The people who are like, I'm just having fun. There's just kind of no intention. You're just kind of doing whatever. And then you have the people that are, so like, mostly in the Christian realm, truthfully, that are, like, so, so serious about dating. there They're like, all right.
00:40:24
Speaker
dating this like this date this gotta be him or i'm not gonna say yes right and so it's like in men feel that when you go on a date with them and you're going in with this really intense like serious energy it's repelling right so you have to be in a state of openness and so it's a balance right like being intentional with like what you're looking for values the energy you really want in a partner as well as like surrendering the outcome and being like, I'm going to go in this date and have fun and know that this is taking me one step closer to something God wants me to learn or something about myself or about this other person that's going to get me closer to my desire. Yeah, I see people a lot and like kind of both sides of the coin. Yeah, you got to find like a good middle. I think it all comes back to what was calling me like this year is just like, you got to have fun. You got to live and have fun. Like we were talking about that earlier. You're like, can't be in this like, You you have to enjoy life. And like, ah whenever I decide to like make it, you know, something I'm doing all the time, I went on that one date. won't get into that and on this one. But, um you know, but that took a lot for me. And I'm glad I did it just because it was like,
00:41:34
Speaker
It had been so long and it sounds so silly as a grown woman to be like, it's just like riding a bike, but I don't know why the nerves are there. So I'm always like ah loving to hear, you know, other people's experiences. And I am so happy that it worked out the way that it did for you, Taylor. yeah And that like, and i hope that people are listening, realizing like, look, Taylor knew what she wanted, but she wasn't the person yeah that could call that in yet. Right. Right. Like she had the intention. I want to date. I want to be a wife. I want to do this. I know this person's not it.
00:42:07
Speaker
I'm willing to bet on myself and, you know, do this really hard thing and be uncomfortable for a while and move somewhere new and start anew. Give my timeset myself some time to heal and then go be intentional. But then when you found the people you're meeting, like maybe I have to look at myself to find what I actually need from a partner because right you have to be the partner you want.
00:42:31
Speaker
Right. In so many ways. And so she did that and she took the step back to work on herself and become the person that she knew was worthy of a good partnership.
00:42:42
Speaker
And then what comes along? Mm hmm. A great partnership. Yeah. And so I love that story for the listeners that are just kind of like, don't even know about dating. It can look different for everybody. Right. But like through and through you were open to it. Right. You were vulnerable. And then when it wasn't working, you didn't shame yourself. You said, OK, let me look at myself. And you did the self-reflection work. Absolutely. And I think that's a big thing for anyone listening to kind of think about. Like when you work on yourself and you love yourself and you know your worth. Right.
00:43:14
Speaker
The right things just come. And again, knowing your worth is not this. I'm just too good for everybody kind of vibe. And I think a lot of people get that misconstrued a lot when people like especially when women like, oh, i you know, I want this certain thing. It's it's never a about I'm better than everyone else. I'm too good for those people. Absolutely. It's just about what works for me. And we're allowed to want something compatible for the life that we want to build.
00:43:39
Speaker
Yes, it's funny being in the coaching space and like up being on threads or these different platforms. And it's like how triggered people will get when you share your personal standards, because that's what they are personal. You get to decide what it is you want, what's in alignment for the life that you want. So at the end of the day,
00:43:59
Speaker
Like when you look back on your life and you're 85, 90, God willing, you don't want to be like, yeah, I chose this partner or I settled for this because my parents liked them or because they made a lot of money or because of X, y z You're going to want to stay with somebody that you genuinely authentically chose for yourself, you know, and that's a that's a journey, right, to go on because a lot of us choose partners directly.
00:44:24
Speaker
for sometimes the wrong reasons or to fill the space or because we're a certain age and not because they're truly in alignment with like our authentic self. And yeah, it's it's definitely a balance for sure. But I think that's a really important reminder.
00:44:40
Speaker
Yes. And then I'll kind of close out by saying like, this is something I saw and you've probably seen it before that was like, people want to judge about people having like boundaries or setting like what their intentions for their partnership. But it is literally the one person that you can pick.
00:44:54
Speaker
to spend your life with like the one person like you didn't pick your parents you don't even pick your children you can pick your friends but they're not like always there this is like the ride or die partner for the rest of your life right who you marry is this one of the single most important decisions you'll ever make because they're the one you're gonna have like 25,000 plus dinners with, vacations, who you got you know have kids with if you end up having kids, like who is going to hear about your day a million times, your dreams, your desires. When your parents pass away, when you're... Yes. Everything. it's It's literally everything and they can become... your biggest hindrance and blocker or the biggest expander. And I think that when I was in my early 20s, I didn't realize that. I really genuinely was just like, okay, I just need a nice Christian guy who I'm attracted to and I can settle down in this small little town. And again, there's nothing, there's literally nothing wrong with that. I have friends who've done that and it's been amazing for them. And I think for me,
00:45:54
Speaker
I just something never quite clicked right with the right person, because I think God's like, I'm going to have you in a different city. I am going to have you doing different things. And one's not better or worse because everyone's path is so, so unique.
00:46:09
Speaker
But you're right. It is like the one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make. And I think some people make it out of like default rather than like having it be something that's super intentional. because there's fear It's like some scarcity, is understandable. Yes. And I think that's why...
00:46:27
Speaker
Healing doesn't me to be your whole life, but healing home should happen because that is when you finally know what you really deserve and what you really want from your life is when you've worked through finding yourself and that self-love. But it's really just like finally saying like, I'm going to choose from my authentic self. Like I'm going to be me, love me and make choices that make me happy. Right. and And that's just the life I'm going to live. and And then that's where you, everything else I think just starts falling into place for you. Because because you know who you are and you're kind of um kind of just settled in that, you know, it feels more content instead of scarcity and like worry and I can't be alone. Like you lose a lot of that anxiety or if it comes up because I'll be honest, it has. Yeah. Then you know how to move through it. Like it's always worked out for me before it will. You know, God's timing. Yeah. Yeah. God's time is certainly not our time. Yeah. No, yeah you're right, though. It's it's a journey of becoming more than anything. Right. Like you said, like, I honestly think and I see this with so many clients, so many friends. It's like they go through this phase.
00:47:37
Speaker
Or God's just stripping stuff away or blocking like a certain relationship, right? And they're single again or you kids going off to college. It's like, it's literally like God's like initiating you into a deeper level of self-love because there's more healing that needs to happen. And when you, it's it's not about like,
00:47:53
Speaker
being okay, being alone like fully alone because it's like we're creative for partnership and for community. It's really learning to sit with yourself and love yourself like a friend, right? Like building that relationship. And I know that that was like the biggest shift for me. I think being in Nashville is like learning to love my own company and not like a weird way because I still great friendships and things I love to do, but like loving a night in. and like being okay with like i don't have plans tonight I don't have any date schedule you know back when I was single and like being like this is actually kind of fun because when you are in that energy of self-love I think that's really what makes you magnetic is and that's when so much stuff like comes into your life and that's like the secret but it's like people aren't willing to go through the discomfort to kind of push themselves through that but
00:48:41
Speaker
And that's what I'll end it with. Go through the things that like the discomfort, everything that you desire from life is truly behind like you moving through the fear and the discomfort. Like that is when it arrives. There isn't like a cheat code, like truly, like I've tried, I've like prayed about it a lot. Can we just get an easy street cheat code? But it's, yeah we're not meant to...
00:49:03
Speaker
know all of the ways that things are supposed to happen, but we can control how much joy and love that we bring into our lives with ourselves. We're the only person yeah we can control. And so it's just so important to kind of lean into that. So Taylor, it was so great to have you on. So fun. Taylor has her own podcast as well. It'll be in the show notes so that you can find it. um And you'll definitely have to check that out. And If you got anything from this episode, I would love for you to leave a review, give the podcast five stars, share it with someone in your life that maybe needs to hear this perspective that they're going through it, dating, trying to get back out there, all the things. ah Because I just want more people to know that they matter. They will find their partnership, working on ourselves, but we're not a constant project. We just need to find more joy and more love in who we are. Absolutely.
00:49:53
Speaker
This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.