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Letting Go & Trusting Is the Only Way Your Life Changes (ft. Josh Terry)
2 Playsin 22 hours
You say you want a different life…
But somehow you keep ending up in the same patterns.
In this episode, I sit down with Josh Terry for a real, unfiltered conversation about why that happens, and what it actually takes to change.
We talk about the fear of being seen differently, how much we let other people’s opinions control us, and the truth that most people don’t realize:
Nobody is thinking about you as much as you think they are.
We get into relationships, too—why we keep choosing what feels familiar, how past hurt gets projected onto new people, and why learning to be alone might be the thing that finally breaks the cycle.
This episode is about letting go..
of old versions of yourself,
of people you’ve outgrown,
and of the idea that you have to have it all figured out before you change your life.
Because maybe you’re not stuck.
Maybe you’re just being asked to let go of who you’ve been.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Theme
00:00:36
Speaker
Have you ever looked at your life and realized you don't want what you've always had, but you're not sure how to choose differently? Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather moer Morgan. I am so happy that you're here.
00:00:54
Speaker
All right, y'all, I have something exciting for you. And I'm sure that you can all relate to that topic because I've had so many of my listeners reaching out and saying, I want a different life, but I keep doing the same things over and over. And so many of us have those loops in life. And I thought I would bring a new perspective to the podcast. Someone who has also a wild mess of a life. Yeah. His self. And I met him in my very, very messy stage in Nashville.
A Night in Nashville
00:01:26
Speaker
And I want to welcome Josh Terry to the podcast. Thank you for having me man. It's weird being on this side of the title. Yeah, i' so it's a different view, huh? Yeah, it is. Yeah. So, Josh, I...
00:01:37
Speaker
and ah You know all about the wild messes. I feel like Nashville lends itself to the wild messes, but as my listeners may or may and not know, if you're just listening in for the first time, early in my episodes, there's a lot of wild messes. I talk about the night I met you, and probably season one, and I was telling Cam, the production guy, how...
00:01:58
Speaker
Literally I'm leaving losers in midtown and you guys have like a big Uber out front and someone's like, get in. And I'm literally grown educated woman just like, sure, don't know any of these people. Let me just jump in. In your defense, it was me and Will Mosley and Brian Martin. And I don't know what all the messes with us, but you got guy that just got second on American Idol and somebody's got the number 15 song in the country. And I got a top 1% podcast in the world and killing it at the time. And you could have gotten trouble with worse people, I reckon. I mean, shit. 100%. I mean, I have no regrets. That was such a fun night. Yeah, I got there and I was the only girl and I was just sitting there in awe because I didn't, at the time, I knew Brian Martin's songs. My ex-husband ironically had sent me Beauty and the Struggle when we were going through our separation about me and I remember bawling when I heard that song and then learning that I'm sitting in the room with the guy that solo wrote that song. But I still didn't know that time. And then Will's crushing it. And you just know he's good. And I'm just
Pursuing Dreams and Overcoming Challenges
00:03:10
Speaker
like, what? This is Nashville. That's one of those weird nights. We sat there and ended up writing a really good song that ended up getting cut by somebody later on. And I think Brian and Will both have a version of that song, too, that we all three wrote that night. But...
00:03:25
Speaker
That's just one of those weird things. Like you never know. that's what That's one of actually my favorite nights because it was so random and it was just cool. it was It was a lot of fun. And the funny thing is is that since I didn't know who Brian was, I still remember my buddy Billy, I think you might know her, Billy Craver, but he was like, oh, I had just written a song that day. And he's like, go show that guy that your song. And I remember going up to Brian. But he's so good.
00:03:50
Speaker
He can take these lyrics and just start playing a melody. He's a poet, dude. He's one of the few people that I know that he speaks in lyrics. it ah It doesn't matter time of day or whatever. so he just He's just a poet. He's he's just made for this.
00:04:04
Speaker
So I know you write some songs and yourself. I've tried to. It's not my profession. i'm I'm blessed to be around people, and I think I have a poet's mentality, but songwriter is not my job. It's a hobby. i don't I don't really do it for a living or anything that. Yeah, well, and and the same and I bring that up only because same, you know, I've been writing like forever and obviously we we fit because both podcasters. Right. But I think there's something about that mindset that makes you want to feel emotions differently than other people. Like it's almost
00:04:40
Speaker
so for storytelling or you just crave the feeling of feeling that much you know heard uh it's just like with anything i grew up that way and then it's a big part of my show and what i try to to put out into the world i got a poem that was published in young poets of america when i was like in eighth grade and i was very athletic growing up and i was on the baseball team when it happened and uh ah They made the announcement at school and I got caught a lot of derogatory names by the baseball team for getting a poem published. So I quit writing poetry and never did it again until I did a show with ah some people up here in Nashville. And I told that same story to creative vets when I was doing a podcast with creative vets a couple years ago. And one of their main writers then, Jesse Wayne Taylor, was like, why don't we try to write a song?
00:05:32
Speaker
And ever since then, I've been like, you know what? I still love this and I'm around it all the time. And got like a poet's mentality because I like being heard and I think I have created ideas. All it is is anybody that has, I think everybody's a poet or a songwriter in one way or the other. If you want to be heard, be heard.
00:05:51
Speaker
I agree. And I think that's kind of a a thing that you said about when you were young and it like that identity of a poet didn't fit yeah with the group that you were in. I think like a lot of people put their dreams on hold because in the moment they're like, oh, I don't want to be made fun of or I don't want people to look at me a certain way.
00:06:11
Speaker
Well, dreamers are always going to get made fun of, especially in their hometown. Like I get, i still to this day, like I make a joke back home that like I'm the third most famous person where I'm from, right? Like I'm a big fish in a small pond where I'm from when it comes to social media. I've got a Senate resolution in my name in the state of Georgia for having a podcast that's been listened to so many times and accolades and all this kind of stuff. And Working in country radio as a ah ah radio show host before opening up my own studio and everything.
00:06:43
Speaker
And you still get, at 38 years old, you still get people that are like, what the hell are you doing? Like turning their nose up at you. But it's because I'm chasing my dream to, you know...
00:06:56
Speaker
not be Joe Rogan or anything like that or Howard Stern or or whatever, but I want to be i want to be popular or I want to have a legacy of being me.
00:07:07
Speaker
And that's what I try to tell like everybody, like whether it's you or any of the guys that I'm with all the time that works in music is – you know Some people want to gamble on themselves. And I'm a person that I've gambled on myself to where at the end of the day, I'm not going to have any regrets. like I can at least say if I go broke and brokenhearted and everything else, like i I took a chance on me to where a lot of people don't. they They'll work a nine-to-five, and there's not a damn thing wrong with working a nine-to-five if That's whatever.
00:07:40
Speaker
But there's a lot of people that'll put you down for chasing what you what you want. And i just I'd rather do what I want. I love that because it does take courage to step outside of the normal, like what everyone's doing. And I also love what you said about if you're going to gamble, gamble on yourself.
00:07:57
Speaker
Cause that is huge for me. People miss the fact, like they don't realize that's what their bosses did. The people that they're working for of at one point in time had to gamble on themselves to start that business. Now they're working for a person that gambled on themselves. Right.
00:08:14
Speaker
Like, it's breaking a generational curse or it's like creating generational wealth at some point in time. Like, you have to gamble on you in order to break that cycle.
00:08:28
Speaker
And usually, and it's something I love hearing, like, especially preachers talk about, it's usually the black sheep of the family.
Societal Expectations vs. Personal Growth
00:08:37
Speaker
It's usually the person that is not like anybody else in your family because the person that's not like anybody else that has just went their own way is usually the one that resets the family.
00:08:49
Speaker
And in my family, if you saw everybody, i I am the one that is not like anybody else. There's a whole bad side of my family and there's a whole really good side of my family. And I got the the best and the worst of both worlds. But there's just a whole reset with me. There's no one like me in my family.
00:09:09
Speaker
And is this working so far? I love that. And do you feel because you took that, like that the the family is feeling like inspired by? no my daughter. No, absolutely not. Maybe your daughter. OK, my daughter. But that's the only one I give shit about. I mean, but also to it, you you should not do. And I do my best to push this to everybody.
00:09:31
Speaker
No one before you is going to care, and but you shouldn't care. yeah shit Because no one before them cared about what they were doing. You're not going to change your grandparents' mind. You're not going to change your mom and daddy's mind. You're not going to change your uncle and aunt's mind.
00:09:48
Speaker
But you can change anybody below you's mind. They you you just can't. It's the sins of our fathers and our mothers like and our grandparents. They had to deal with the same thing at some point in time when they wanted to gamble on themselves. They got told, no, you can't do this. You have to go do whatever. You got to get married at a high school. You got to get a degree. You got to go to college, all this stuff. You can't do what your dream is.
00:10:16
Speaker
and and And that's the biggest crock that there's ever been sold to any of us. We get one life. We have one opportunity. This is not a dress rehearsal. There's no do-overs.
00:10:28
Speaker
you you You're on your deathbed one day looking back at however many years you're given. And how many people lay on there and just look up and is like,
00:10:39
Speaker
why didn't I do this? Why didn't I take an opportunity? Why didn't I just say, Hey, I got, I'll give myself 10 years. 100% and I think that all the time with my dad died and I've talked about this before like at 49 and so when I started comparing where I was to where he would be the time that you have left it seems a lot shorter and you start going is this how I want to live the rest of my life and I I think that all the time when people are like well people are gonna judge me or I feel like I'm messing up and I'm like Those people don't matter. And not that you don't care about others, but it's like they're not going, they're not living your life. They're not losing their, you know, they're not on their deathbed. You're not going, Sally didn't like what I did. The biggest lie you can tell yourself is anybody gives a damn about you. Yeah. but that's the like They don't care what you're doing.
00:11:30
Speaker
No. They don't. Like they're too concerned with themselves. They're too concerned about what they're doing, paying their own bills, living their own life. You want them to care about you.
00:11:42
Speaker
You want them to be concerned about what you're doing. I used to be so guilty of that. I used to be, it's what caused a huge amount of my depression going up growing up, to where like I'd walk into a lunchroom or I'd walk into a gymnasium or whatever as as a kid. And I would think that everybody in there was talking negatively about me.
00:12:03
Speaker
but it was my brain playing tricks on me. The truth is nobody cares. Nobody, they are too worried about their own home life. They're too worried about what they have on. They're too worried about their own insecurities to care about you.
00:12:17
Speaker
And that transfers right over to an adult. No one really cares. When you post something on social media, even now these days, you might have people clicking likes, you might have people leaving comments and all this kind of stuff. But the truth is they're living their own life. The second that they leave that page,
00:12:36
Speaker
They don't care. Yeah, they don't really. And that and that's a one thing coming into, because you've been in this space a long time. Like for me, you know it's kind of like new. I had a private social media page. So just adjusting. and And I mean it from even if you're not a creator, whenever you switch identities, let's say, and you start doing something that you haven't normally done, What other people will think about you changing is what I think stops a lot of people from doing it. It's not even the action of posting the content or doing the thing. It's like, well, I've been this person, even like shaving your beard, which you originally did. I've been the guy with the beard for all this time. That's how I show up to the world. And if I change it, then people are going to say something about it just because they've always known this version of me. And I think sometimes that's...
00:13:25
Speaker
the thing that keeps you. It's not even what are they going to do on the other side? It's are they going to initially think that I'm different or, you know, call me out on the change? Yeah. Yeah. For me, my stuff was a long time coming for me because like I've, I've gone through so many seasons. My, my stuff was a change of season for me. Like I didn't, it was, it was an identity thing for me. My beard, but I didn't want to be connected to the concept that it was a gimmick for me.
00:13:59
Speaker
I didn't want it to be where when you saw me in Nashville or you saw me in Macon or wherever I do shows up, I didn't want anybody to only associate anything I've done from my first days in radio to now with the only reason I've ever succeeded was because of a gimmick like a beard.
00:14:21
Speaker
And i was just ready to turn it over. And if people, for some reason, didn't want to stick around because of a beard – I don't like fair weather people anyway. like ah People think I have a ah massive group of friends.
00:14:37
Speaker
I don't. I have a group of friends that I love very dearly. And almost every one of us, before we go off the phone every time or we leave each other, we hug each other, we kiss each other, we say I love you. Whether it's male or female, all of us, like where that's how close we are. Fair weather people mean nothing to me.
00:14:55
Speaker
And I usually sound very, very cold when I say that, and I'm fine if I sound cold now saying it. but Fairweather people are the first ones to leave you hanging that just second something goes south they're out of there. I have no need for them in my life but also I'm not there for them either and I'm fine with that. I'm not an on the fence type of person and it finally got through to me last week or whatever when I decided to shave it off. it was like look with everything I'm trying to change now and with the new stuff that I want to do it's time to do it anyway. Ten plus years
00:15:31
Speaker
If somebody just doesn't want to hang around or they still want attach my old life to that, and they want to unfriend, they want to unfollow, they want to not hang around because of that, they're a fair weather person.
00:15:45
Speaker
I'm doing myself a justice by letting them leave. One of the things that I have just got in my head, the more and more that I grow and the more more mature is when God shuts the door, you don't open a damn window.
00:16:01
Speaker
Like you, you don't let them back in. And if sometimes you, you help them pack their bags if they're leaving. Yeah. we're We're so guilty of when somebody wants to leave us sometimes, regardless if it's a friendship, relationship, business dealings, whatever. We're so guilty of them leaving and us begging them to stay or calling them back or whatever. We ought to be to a place to where we're so happy with ourselves, to where if you want to leave, if you don't see the potential, if you don't want to be here,
00:16:38
Speaker
I will gladly help you pack your bag. Oh, I'm 100%. And I'll wave to you as you leave.
Relationships and Self-Perception
00:16:48
Speaker
I think that's a huge thing for a lot of people. And I think it does go back to self-love. um Because for me, and it does seem kind of cold to people because I've had some people in my life through the divorce that I've kind of just separated with or even when I was going through my own healing journey because I was messy. And then I decided like I really got to...
00:17:06
Speaker
figure out myself. And so sometimes that meant distancing from some people. And I think people take that the wrong way, but I'm in my head, I'm like, if it was the opposite and someone comes to me and and was like, Heather, I i just don't think this is gonna work. I'd be like, all right, like, I'll let them go because i don't want anything forced in my life because I've already,
00:17:28
Speaker
done that before in my marriage. I felt like there was a lot of things that I was like trying to force to be different and they were never going to change. And it got me the heartbreak that was leaving a man and and feeling so guilty and and everything that came along with it that it's like, if would have just let it be but I had to learn that lesson. And that I think is another piece of that you have to learn. from First off, messy is not a bad thing.
00:17:53
Speaker
yeah um' so I'm serious. Messy's not a bad thing. You can't tell somebody how to heal. No. you You can't. So I am the worst about this, but you have to get to rock bottom somehow, right?
00:18:08
Speaker
Okay, I'm a hard-headed person. Rock bottom is where I learn. Rock bottom is how I know that I have to start looking up.
00:18:21
Speaker
Oh yeah. Messy is what you got to do sometimes because if I don't spiral just enough to where I know that I have to have a change, then I'll never change.
00:18:36
Speaker
Like you have to, some people, it drives me nuts. Like some people, you you can't just tear a house down build a new house on an old foundation. You have to tear the house down and tear the whole damn foundation down. You have to start from rock bottom. Like you you have to start all the way over sometimes. If not, you're building a new house on a cracked foundation.
00:19:02
Speaker
And that's going to do nothing but cause you more and more problems. The only way you get there is if you crash out, if you spiral, if you are get a little bit messy. But also, too, I think it's healthy.
00:19:16
Speaker
I think that's where the lessons are. i think it's hard to learn things if you don't experience them. Like the moments that I was messiest in Nashville and then you wake up and you're like, what did I say? Or just so many things. Or is this who I want to be? You know, you get in those moments where you're like, is this who I want to be? But if you weren't not being, you know, if you weren't being someone so messy, you wouldn't know that you didn't want to be that person. well how else do you like, yeah and you kind of just said it, but you don't figure out what you don't want until you have it.
00:19:48
Speaker
you Until you're laying next to somebody you don't want to be with and it does rub you wrong, even though that could be awesome person. Yeah, there could be nothing wrong with them in the world, but they're not. They're not what you want. You don't know until you experience that.
00:20:04
Speaker
And that's true too, where sometimes you have to self-reflect and go, why am I with this person, even if they're great, that I don't want to be with? And it's always because you don't love yourself enough to choose yourself in that moment.
00:20:18
Speaker
Well, until you're really happy with yourself, you're going to attract you because that's what you're comfortable with. I've been extremely guilty of this over the past several years.
00:20:32
Speaker
I was not very happy with me. So I literally am gonna attract what I'm comfortable with, like not to put anyone down or anything like that, but it's only what I'm comfortable with. I'm not gonna, you know, I'm i'm successful, you know, I make decent money. I, you know, I have a decent house, I drive a decent truck. I'm ah i'm a damn good daddy.
00:20:53
Speaker
ah And that's what I'm gonna attract female wise. I'm not going to go after a CEO of a Fortune 500 company because she's going to make me uncomfortable. Like I'm going to play down even though i know I'm capable of more because I'm going for what's comfortable to me. And we all do that. We're going to date a reflection of ourselves, it like literally internally.
00:21:21
Speaker
And That can be broke down a thousand ways, but especially like whether it's mental health that we're trying to find so somebody matches us. You've heard the same thing. I think it's a sound on TikTok or whatever. Like, I want somebody that's match my freak or whatever. But that's not it. Like, you want somebody that's going to match everything about you.
00:21:42
Speaker
Like, and you just don't realize it until you're sitting there with somebody and you're like, I'm dating you because I'm comfortable with you.
00:21:54
Speaker
Not because I love you, but because you don't make me feel bad about myself. Yes. And when we say bad about their ah yourself, it's almost as if bad about yourself, meaning that like the CEO example, right? You don't feel like you're not doing a enough. Yeah, yeah. Because I've experienced that with, you know, men I've dated. And I saw that a little in my marriage as my ah career grew. Yeah. That there's this...
00:22:21
Speaker
you know, men are, and I'm not, I'm sure there's some men that aren't, I don't want to generalize, but I think, and and I'm sure there's women in that too, but I think more so men start feeling a little like it's uncomfortable. Like I've had men go, well, are you, are you just make, are you, is this a test?
00:22:36
Speaker
Why aren't you mad? Because they're used to women that are going to be upset about things that I'm not upset about. But my example there is just when a man's not happy or woman's not happy with themselves. Yeah. Now, like, if somebody's happy and secure with themselves, you can have damn janitor dating the CEO. Because the janitor's confident in his life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing is, is when you're not happy with yourself. Mm-hmm.
00:23:04
Speaker
It doesn't matter. you're You want someone who's unhappy with themselves too because then you're not questioning anything. You're like, misery loves company. And I've been saying that so much lately. You're not going to be a miserable person internally and dating a happy person. No, I agree with that. It doesn't matter. like You're going to date down or you're going to date even.
00:23:26
Speaker
You're not going to date up because it's going to make you uncomfortable. Yeah. You're right, because say you are the man that's, you know, happy and content with himself, even if you're not there financially, let's say, from the CEO, you know you can get there because there's no limitations for this man other than the ones he makes in his mind. and if he's happy, then he can actually make that jump. yeah But when you're when you're not happy, like, because nothing I believe for the the good men in my life that I met, like, nothing drives ah a happy man like a good woman.
00:24:01
Speaker
when When he wants to like you know show up for her. well Everybody, too, in my opinion, ought to have like their own definition of success. so Some people's definition of success is probably their bank account.
00:24:13
Speaker
My definition of success has nothing to do with money, and it really hasn't forever had definite our money. Some people, that's exactly what it is. If... that Like I said, the janitor with the CEO, maybe that guy is so confident, so happy that he doesn't need to to have anything else. He's content and happy with his life. Maybe what his definition of success is, is his faith and being a good father and knowing that his bills are paid on time and he gets to spend time with his children and go to church and all this kind of stuff. That's his definition of success. Like if he's got that, then he's a confident man. And CEO could have whatever she's got for her definition. And you put those two people together, then they're happy. Like to where some people just don't realize
00:25:04
Speaker
It's not a bank account. It's not whatever.
Dating Intentions and True Connections
00:25:07
Speaker
It's literally what in your life defines your version of success. And when you get it in your head that it is not a dollar amount, it's not a house, it's not a truck, it's not whatever, it will do something for you to where I have confidence now.
00:25:25
Speaker
Like, I don't have to go by your standards. Like now, I mean, I've always kind of been this way anyway. I just had to get out of my own way on certain things. It's like, I don't have to to fit into your box. If you don't like me because of my definition of success or or whatever,
00:25:45
Speaker
Like, okay. Yeah, it's no big deal. nice I'm fine. I don't really care. And I think that's a key to happiness too, is not taking it personally. Like I know I'm not for every man and I, that I don't, you're not supposed to be. Yeah. I, and I don't even take it personally. Like sometimes when my friends are dating and you've probably, and and you're a guy, so they'll be like, well, they didn't call me back. They ghosted me. They don't like me. I'm like, do you even like them?
00:26:10
Speaker
Like, why do we even care? Like, ego yeah. Yeah, ego. So I've had to i've had to recently deal with that. ah Ego will have you upset about somebody you don't care about because it hurt your ego. Once you get rid of your ego are you work on your ego and your pride, there's a reason why pride is one of the seven deadly sins.
00:26:38
Speaker
It is the downfall of so many of us. It will have you obsessed with someone because they've hurt your feelings when you didn't want them in the first place. They did to you what you were going to do to them. They just did it first.
00:26:55
Speaker
And they hurt your ego and they hurt your pride. But given time, you would have been like, on ah douces I'm gone. But because they did it to you first, now you feel bad about yourself.
00:27:09
Speaker
some The truth is people just don't work sometimes. Yeah. No. They probably felt the same way about you that you did about them. They just pulled the trigger and ripped the mandate off first.
00:27:22
Speaker
Yeah. Well, and sometimes I think, too, it's about changing your life up. That gets overwhelming. Like maybe you weren't ready. You didn't pull the trigger because you wanted your life to stay the same. And that gets thrown a wrench. And then the other one is how other people are going to perceive you. When your ego and your pride, you're like, I don't want to be the one that got left.
00:27:40
Speaker
You know, I don't want to be the person that and I i think you do a good job at that for an and an example for men to to see because I think I think I saw you were on I think Ray's Rowdy or like had with Matt and them and they're like, oh, you're texting the ex-girlfriends. And he said something like, oh, well, haven't you ever broke up with any them? You're like, no, I've never been the one. I don't casually date like I'm I'm 38. I've never been married.
00:28:05
Speaker
I was going to ask you because i knew you had a daughter, but you never. i've never been married. So like I've only been in maybe five serious relationships since I was 20.
00:28:17
Speaker
twenty I think I've seen two of them then since I've known you. Yeah. like I think I've been in five. i didn't I don't think, I think you're supposed to have fun until you meet somebody you can actually see a future with and then you date them.
00:28:32
Speaker
Like I enjoy myself. Don't get me wrong now. Like I go out and I go on dates. I go out and I have fun. It's not, you know, I'm not like a nun or anything. I'm not trying to make myself sound like a saint, but like,
00:28:47
Speaker
you're not supposed to give everybody your heart. Like if you, if you, and I, this was something that just rose me so wrong with people. Like you are supposed to date to marry, but you're not supposed to intentionally try to marry everyone you date.
00:29:05
Speaker
I can find you extremely attractive. I can find you to be the funnest girl in the room, but I can also know you're not going to be my wife.
00:29:16
Speaker
I should not lead you on. I should not ghost to you. I should not treat you like a piece of ass or whatever. I should respect you, but I should be honest with you. Yeah.
00:29:28
Speaker
Like, I should i should be, ah like, up front with you. The reason why I have a ah pretty decent reputation with women, like, back where I'm from, is I'm very up front.
00:29:41
Speaker
Like, I'll be like, hey, we can hang out. We can be friends or whatever. Like, we can go on dates and stuff. But, like, I i just don't see a future with me and you. So I have a question on that one because the girls, I say this all the time when I talk to my guy friends and I had a lot back home, but I think maybe women need to hear this from a guy, but i I've been told time and time again, like a guy knows like pretty early if that could be a wife. Like he's not thinking about it for, ah is that true? Because you've never thought that way because that's a long time to never get married.
00:30:14
Speaker
I want something special. I've gone this long and there's only been maybe two of them maybe i know one for sure that i would have uh but i i don't know like i just the reason why i say that is i'm such a hopeless romantic anyway whatever i want what like my grandparents had and if i've gone this long
00:30:46
Speaker
And I just believe that the good Lord and whatever anybody else wants to believe in, they can believe what they want to. But there's no way he gave me these feelings and this big of a heart and this deep of emotions.
00:31:02
Speaker
and this much conviction about how I feel about this. And he didn't put somebody in this world to take care of those feelings. And it feels exactly the same way that's praying for the same thing I am.
00:31:14
Speaker
We just ain't crossed paths yet. And more likely, we just ain't ready for each other yet. It's his time and not mine. And every time I rush that, Like it always, it always is messy. It always gets screwed up or whatever.
00:31:28
Speaker
Like he, he knows better than Like when I meet somebody and I want it too bad, one of my favorite quotes is from Lonesome Dove. And it's, if you want something too badly, when you get it, it's bound to be a mistake.
00:31:42
Speaker
yeah Like it's going to mess up. Like I always like to say this. If you think about your favorite restaurant and you have been craving it for weeks and it's time to go there and you've just yeah got your favorite dish in the world and you've built it up so much in your mind from the last time you had it and it was amazing and you get there and it's not as good as you thought it was going to be.
00:32:10
Speaker
but it's still good, but it's not as good as you want it to be because you've built it up. Is it just not good or did you oversell it in your mind? Like that's kind of like,
00:32:24
Speaker
me going out or you going out or whatever and saying, oh, I want her to be my wife on the first date. Like, you you don't know. Like, it could be a moment to where, you know, anything from her singing a song, riding dirt roads with me, or something crazy like her doing an act of kindness that I didn't expect her to do to change my mind.
00:32:52
Speaker
ah You just don't ever know. If you have if you build it up too much and you have too much expectation, you're liable to miss the thing that's going to make you fall for them. No, I see that. And I was thinking more like just saying, okay, there's like a couple of buckets. Like, yes, this could be a potential wife. No, this probably. If you're one of those people, and I know there's some folks that do this shit. If you're those people that's got a checklist, yeah you are screwing yourself.
00:33:20
Speaker
You are. i like I heard this on the way up here. ah I was listening to this woman talk on the way here, and she said, nowadays you've got women and men too, but I'm talking from a woman's perspective saying this, from from her saying it.
00:33:37
Speaker
She said, nowadays you have women that's like, if know if he's not six foot tall, if he doesn't have a six-figure income, he ain't got this or whatever, like that right off the bat, the woman's not interested. Right.
00:33:49
Speaker
Do you know how many good men out there might make $90,000 a year? There might be five eleven or five ten that might, I don't remember what the other one was, what the other thing was, but she shot at a statistics on it.
00:34:07
Speaker
And that means that by that small of percentage, you might be missing the guy that would love you unconditionally and treat you better than anybody else in the world.
00:34:21
Speaker
But over $10,000, over one inch, you're just automatically going to discard because you've got check marks that you want to check off on a box.
00:34:34
Speaker
I mean, i I feel like women that are listening that are single may be thinking about that. i mean i I'm sure there's a lot of women in that boat.
00:34:45
Speaker
um I'm an energy person, so mine's less of that and more of the vibe. i mean, obviously, there's boundaries for everybody. i think there's some things that you should be stern on. Like when I think about the only boyfriend I had since, there was like, and i I didn't even really know what red flags are. There's things that I knew that I probably let go by.
00:35:05
Speaker
that I shouldn't have. um So I think those are like different and I didn't know how tall he was off the top of my head. You know what mean? Taller than me was good, you know, but ah but I'm still giving love to the short Kings, but I'm just saying, you know. Yeah, but red flags, okay.
00:35:22
Speaker
Even like with red flags. Most of us develop red flags because of previous relationships, right? Okay. Now, because of those previous relationships, those things were huge deals with that person.
00:35:35
Speaker
Now, what if the next relationship you have, what if that red flag isn't that big of a deal with that person because everything else they do is so wonderful and Like, what I mean, some stuff, some stuff, some stuff like, I don't know what a huge red flag for me would be. Like if they didn't want to go to church for me now, because that's something that I really want like for somebody to do with me.
00:36:01
Speaker
Like that would be a huge, that's probably, that's a deal breaker for Yeah. and And maybe it's more of a deal breaker than a red flag. Cause I think you're right that saying like red flag, it is, it is just you you emotionally. and What I've learned is with red flags per se, it's you go back to those so emotions you didn't like feeling.
00:36:19
Speaker
And that's why it doesn't feel good. yeah Right. Most red flags are you're, you're, you're holding the sins of someone else against, sin against somebody new.
00:36:30
Speaker
Hear that. That's, that's, that's, we shouldn't. So like, if the only way that you can be offended by somebody from your past is if you still take offense, you're taking offense against somebody who hurt you before and you're putting it on somebody new who's done nothing to you yet.
00:36:51
Speaker
Like, do you know how bad that screws us all? Like this person hasn't done anything to us yet. And that's where we mess up so bad. This person could actually have the best of intentions, but we're still holding on to this.
00:37:10
Speaker
We can say that like we forgive, but until like you actually forgive the person or the people that have hurt you, and you let it go. That's the bad part. Most of us do not want to.
00:37:23
Speaker
I have like in the past couple months, i who regardless who it was, family members, exes, whatever, i walk I've walked into a new season in my life to where did not matter who, I let it go.
00:37:38
Speaker
Like, um I got so tired of holding on because they're not hurting. They're they're like they're oblivious to any pain they've caused me because they don't care.
00:37:52
Speaker
I'm holding on to that stuff, or I was. But I'm not holding on to it anymore. And since I'm not holding on to it anymore and I refuse to take offense of it anymore, I'm no longer offended. So I'm no longer hurting and I'm no longer projecting onto anybody new in my life.
00:38:12
Speaker
I can't get butt hurt no more.
Healing and Personal Growth
00:38:15
Speaker
And what's even better is they have no power anymore. Like, that's what we want. Everybody, whether they say it or not, after a relationship or after somebody hurts you, you want to win.
00:38:29
Speaker
You want to win. Well, nobody really wins, but if nobody has any power afterwards... then you're good. It's voided.
00:38:42
Speaker
Yeah, letting it go is is huge. 100% you're carrying, I always think of it like you're carrying like extra weight that you don't need to, and it's like, put it down, because it's heavy to be replaying all of the things that someone did to hurt you, like that's gonna fix them. I think there was a thing I saw, and it was like, if a snake bites you,
00:39:03
Speaker
and you have all this venom, are you going to spend all of your time chasing the snake and going to get it so that you can say it shouldn't have done that to you? Are you going to heal yourself and get the... You ask the snake why bit you. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Like, heal and move on at the end of the day, like the snake, you know? And and that was, like, big for me because I think when we... And and I do 100% agree, you have to move on. I think there's boundaries you learn along the way. i think you do have to not...
00:39:33
Speaker
learn the same lessons over and over. So if someone is presenting the same things, I get it, like give them a chance. But if you're just kind of like bypassing your inner knowing that like this is, and and you talk about God, so like this is God giving me the same lesson until I learn it. And sometimes when we don't learn it, we're going to keep getting it over and over. So I get that we need to give people a chance to show you who they are, but as soon as they show you, you've gotta believe them. Well, you have to know what not to settle for.
00:40:04
Speaker
Now, don't get me wrong now, I'm not telling you just to take the same thing over and over again from somebody new. What I'm telling you is, you can't expect them to do it because of one little thing, one little movement. you Just because you get one little ick real quick from somebody, you can't expect, oh, this person just left their underwear on the floor. Now, just because they left their underwear on the floor, it's going to spiral out of control to where the next thing you know, it's all these things that this person did to me before. And a lot of people will think,
00:40:38
Speaker
this right here is just gonna cause a chain reaction to everything that everybody else has done to me. No, maybe this person just leaves their underwear on the damn floor. Like- No, I feel that. You know I'm saying? Like this, too many people just are so quick to react. It's a knee jerk reaction.
00:40:57
Speaker
But it's just because they haven't forgiven and moved on. They haven't moved past it. and that And that's tough when you bounce from relationship to relationship, right? Like I think it's hard. Like I haven't, you know, been – I haven't even went on a date in over a year, which sounds so weird when I say it out loud just because like people are like – but it wasn't intentional. But I think about it and it's like it's given me so much space to feel like – I think for me, i I know that once you're in it, like it's a whole different world. But that time to yourself, I think is an opportunity to go like, what do I really want? What am I not settling for? It's almost like weaning yourself off the validation, the constant communication, the things that kind of keep us staying messy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because we're like,
00:41:47
Speaker
ah This is what I'm used to Okay, they're you know it's fine. You kind of let things slide when you need someone, like when you feel like you need a man's attention. Well, if you break your leg in your own crutches, right? Break your leg in your own crutches.
00:42:03
Speaker
When you get off of them, right? You're still hobbling a little bit. You're still hurting a little bit, right? You got to walk it out afterwards, right? Same thing with relationships. When you break up, you don't just go straight to running or whatever. you You go from a relationship being your crutch, right?
00:42:21
Speaker
Like, that's what you do. Like, that you lean on somebody, right? And when they're gone, you can't just be okay. It's okay to hobble. It's okay to, to not be okay for a little while.
00:42:34
Speaker
You can't just jump right back on the horse. If you do one, you're going to look like it was fake to everybody. Yeah.
00:42:45
Speaker
But also if you were sincere and you were honest about your feelings, There's no way that you're going to be okay in the long run if you just go from one person to the next. Like, there's there's no way that you're fine.
00:43:02
Speaker
Like, something's going to bite you in the butt later on. You're not going to be okay. That's just not the way that real love works. works You're going get it Like, it's...
00:43:16
Speaker
And it's the it's the discomfort of being alone. I was just talking to one of my girls and she was like, I don't like being alone with myself. Yeah. Like, and which is not really relatable for me because I actually like enjoy my own time. But people like that, I get why they because it's it's and I told her I was like, if you just I know it's it's just like anything that you're doing new in life. It's uncomfortable for a minute. And but you have to keep doing it. And then it's not.
00:43:45
Speaker
It's that's that initial like, okay, I'm not going to, even like drinking, going out in Nashville. you know I remember because I didn't drink that. You come out and then it's just like you kind of think, well, I got to drink every time I'm going out because that's what everyone's doing. That's what we're doing. And just to be out and not just felt different. Yeah. You know? Yeah. The being a alone thing, this is the first time I really haven't pushed the issue like of going out a lot um back home and all that kind of stuff.
00:44:14
Speaker
I'm learning to be alone because my whole thing in this new season of my life is just the fact that if it's never worked for me before, it's not going to work for me now if I've done it the same way every time.
00:44:28
Speaker
Like – I can't remember if it's stupidity is the definition or whatever, or whatever it is. Insanity. Insanity. Thinking that you do the same thing over and over again and get a different result. If you are over the age of 21 and you are still doing the same thing over and over again and you're expecting a different result, you're insane.
00:44:49
Speaker
Eventually, you have to change. You have to change the way you are doing stuff. You're not going to get a different result. It's not gonna happen.
00:45:01
Speaker
Like I'm 38 years old. I know now it doesn't matter. I dated the same girl on and off for almost three years. It does not matter if me and her were to get back together tomorrow. does not matter how I feel about this person.
00:45:18
Speaker
I know how it is going to end so much as that the last two times we did it, when we broke up, I laughed. The first two times, I thought I to have in a damn mental hospital because I was so brokenhearted and crazy over. But the last two times, I was prepared for it and laughed.
00:45:35
Speaker
So why do you think you were still going back knowing as a grown man, like you're saying? Because i would have if if she i would have married her. just cared about her so damn much. But...
00:45:47
Speaker
It was more fun being with her than being with anybody else ever. ah But it was not worth your mental health. It's not worth what it like. You have to know your value.
00:46:02
Speaker
Like you got to know your worth. Right. Like, and i wish that person absolute best. ain't got a hard feeling in the world towards her. Like so much that after that relationship, I tried to date the complete opposite.
00:46:17
Speaker
Like, and hated that. Like, yeah I don't even know why I did that. That was the pride. That was literally my pride in my ego. Like trying to show the the other one, like there was a brunette and a blonde. yeah So trying to show the brunette like, hey, I'm moving on. Do you think it was that or just everybody else? I think I was trying to show me.
00:46:38
Speaker
Like, that I'm fine? Yeah, i don't I don't do anything for anybody but me. Yeah. Like, I don't, i like, I'm, it was never to rub it in anybody's face, like, the dark-headed one's face. Like, it was never that. That was the last thing I would have ever done.
00:46:54
Speaker
It was for me. It was like, you're going to be okay. um But it was where, like, this didn't work. This ain't ever going to work. You know this now. let's try something different. Like, let's let's see if we can do something different because this isn't going to work. Okay, so this is, was she really different or was it just the hair color? Like, were they really different? I thought she was different. Okay. and I thought she was different.
00:47:17
Speaker
Like, and no, no, no, no. She was the same though? probably worse, to be honest with you. ah Just, just, yeah. Um, So why do you think, because now I'm like, i want to kind of just get in your head. of Like, why do you think you never got married? You didn't marry baby mama. Yeah. Great person. Great person. Yep. And then it just wasn't that season. Like how old were you when you had your kid? 24 when Gracie was born.
00:47:43
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I was a shithead when I was young. Like I wasn't good to Gracie's mom. You were just not there for it. I just wasn't. ah you Yeah, I just, it's okay. Phones ring on ours all the time. It's okay.
00:47:55
Speaker
um it was I was just young, man. ah I was talking about this other day, I guess yesterday. um Her mom probably deserved a lot better out of me. Well, not probably, she did. ah I just didn't know. I didn't grow up in ah a very good environment to like what a ah mother and father, how they ought to treat each other.
00:48:15
Speaker
And ah I was a kid. Like, I wanted my cake and eat it too. Like, that's the best way I know how to put it in a nice way. ah I just wanted to be a young man.
00:48:30
Speaker
And I regret it these days. Like, she didn't deserve it. But we would have never lasted. We're two different people. And, you know, we have a good relationship now. We get along sometimes.
00:48:45
Speaker
ah I want more for my life. And she's very happy with her life. And i I don't know, like I've got dreams and i want to chase them. And if I would have got into this life, it would have been 10,000 times worse between me and her.
00:49:06
Speaker
Like it just, it would have never, it just wouldn't have. Like she never did anything wrong. Like it just would have not have worked. Well, and you were young at that time too, and you knew you wanted a bigger life. and she you So you knew early on it wasn't compible compatible, but I'm sure at that age when you passed on, you know because I'm sure you felt some pull to marry the mother of your child or make it try to work you know like most people do. yeah But did you think at that time when you you didn't go that route with her, even though you knew it would never work, which is...
00:49:40
Speaker
you know that okay now i'm gonna be a 38 year old man and never be married like what was that ever a thought in your head like did you what what was your vision just was it the career like was it what do you i don't know if i ever thought that far ahead yeah still don't know if i think that far ahead yeah i don't um because i know that like You know, it's just my faith. but like and And I know that I've always been this way. This isn't like a new like revelation or anything with me.
00:50:10
Speaker
But like God's got the power to change it the tomorrow if he wants to. He can change it when I walk out this building if he wants to, if that's his plan for me. like I just, you know, I don't put any trust in my plans anymore.
00:50:26
Speaker
like If I sit here and... I think too long and hard about, you know, what I want for me, I'm going to screw it up anyway.
00:50:37
Speaker
a It makes no sense anymore. Like it's what I'm supposed to be doing is what I'll end up doing and who I'm supposed to be with and how that road goes is how it's going to go.
Faith and Emotional Maturity
00:50:49
Speaker
And I just it's not that I don't care because I always say like I just don't care anymore.
00:50:55
Speaker
But i I just I'm not going to put too much thought in it. Well, isn't it? I love that because it's it's peaceful. I like to think of it like surrendering. Yeah. Like it's not that you don't take action for the things that you want from life, right? Like you're still doing the thing. You're doing the podcast. You're doing the rounds. You're doing the things that make you happy. But you're kind of surrendering the how it's all going to play out, which is honestly, i think would help a lot of people feel more at peace if they trust it. And I talk about this on my podcast all the time. Y'all know, like everything's always working out for you. yeah Even if you don't really see the how, it all makes sense looking backwards. Like that's why it didn't work out the way we thought. Well, my life has a very funny way of every bad thing in my life has led to something beautiful.
00:51:49
Speaker
Like from 18 to 21, I was a complete mess up. i was in a rehab detention center, which is like a boot camp for 60 days at one point in time. i was in another one for 90 days at one time. And that literally led to where I have a great perspective on talking to anybody because I've seen all walks of life.
00:52:11
Speaker
ah I've dealt with depression my whole life, which helps me talk to veterans and helps with all the mental health stuff that I do.
00:52:22
Speaker
um I mean, there's there's so much bad that has happened to me. Growing up with domestic violence and substance abuse, um going down the road of suicide when I was younger, like every bad thing in my life has led to my career that has led to my life.
00:52:42
Speaker
once you get through all the hurt, you realize that the purpose is in it. Like I always have this moment, like, and and this is what faith is like really started to to come to me. It's like,
00:53:01
Speaker
you don't have bad days anymore. Like you don't have bad moments anymore when you realize that everything works in your favor. Even the stuff that hurts your feelings now, it works in your favor. You just don't realize it You used to not realize it. Now I realize it. But like I always have an aha moment to where it's like, I'll be having a conversation with somebody or I'll be doing the podcast or whatever and I'll say something or I'll do something and I'll only have that perspective or I'll only be able to talk that way because of something bad that's happened Or something will happen in my life.
00:53:43
Speaker
The only reason why I'm sitting there or doing that is because of something horrific that has happened to me. And the only reason why is because that's the road that I had to go down. on i give you If you I didn't, you wouldn't. So it's like when you get to the point of your life that you are just as thankful for the valleys as you are for the mountaintops,
00:54:09
Speaker
that's when everything's a win. i mean, that's, I just, I don't have bad days anymore. I wholeheartedly agree with that. I was talking to someone the other day because my dad, again, passed away, but he's been a big driver of just when I moved out here alone and he's always with me. And I think about it even when I tell my message because I know, like, started this podcast and it was so messy and I think we've talked about this, but, like, I have a good amount of male listeners and one of my...
00:54:38
Speaker
narratives in this is like to never divide because my man my dad was the best man I'd ever known. So I didn't have an experience of thinking ill of men. I didn't have that similar upbringing where I felt any fear or anger towards men at all. And I just knew that my dad struggled with mental health. And so it was very important to me to like share that message. And so when I get someone reaching out. I know that that's because I lost my dad, yeah because my dad had those challenges, because I saw what he went through. And even losing him at 49, I'm like, you know, on the days I'm out here, i moved out here alone, didn't know anyone. I'm like, that was so hard. But I'm like, I would have taken every to have that dad, the dad that I had for 26 years of my life.
00:55:27
Speaker
was worth not having him yeah for all of these times, even though that was the hardest thing that I ever outside of my divorce. Cause then I grieved him again, you know, because that's just how things happen. But it's like, you're right. Like I'm, I focus on how grateful I am that I was raised by a dad that just loved yeah me so much that I just,
00:55:48
Speaker
I know that it changed who I am. I know that it built who I am. i know that the way that I can, like you say, when speaking to people, that the care that I have is because of the man that raised me. yeah I couldn't be this way without him. yeah you know So i do think it's key for people to kind of switch their mind into this is for me, like this isn't maybe what I wanted exactly. this wasn't the path that I said, oh, here, I want my dad to pass away or I wanna go to detention or see substance abuse. Like no one's asking for those things. But what what comes from those experiences
00:56:28
Speaker
builds who you ah end up being. yeah Well, the thing is, you don't know the end of the story yet. but you You don't know. Like, my dad passed away in October. I'm sorry. It's okay.
00:56:40
Speaker
But how if you have faith, or even if you don't, for me, it's my faith. It's hard to question God when he not when he's he knows the past, the present, and the future.
00:56:55
Speaker
Okay, that's what I can put everything in. If I'm sitting here and I'm questioning whatever I'm going through, why am I questioning the process when I don't know the last page, but he does?
00:57:10
Speaker
Like, our fathers, especially with men, you know, it's harder for for us, but like... ah We were taught growing up, like you put dirt on it. You don't cry. You don't talk about your feelings and all this kind of stuff. But that's the sins of our fathers and our grandfathers because they were all taught. That's what was normalized to them. They didn't know.
00:57:31
Speaker
Like, and I don't care. And like some of your listeners or whatever, mine usually don't get on my butt about this, but like I don't believe in toxic masculinity or whatever. I think men are supposed to be to men or whatever. If you want to, you know, be a little bit softer, I'm a, I'm soft. I'm a, I'm a teddy bear. I cry. I am a big titty baby. I will cry in a heartbeat and I don't care. But I think I'm emotionally mature. that's There's nothing wrong with letting your feelings out and not keeping it bottled up because if you go to creative vets or you go to Mission 22 or whatever, you talk to them veterans who are some of the toughest men and women in this world who have served our country.
00:58:15
Speaker
And you sit down after they've talked to a therapist and opened up and you see how much better they feel.
Conclusion and Self-Acceptance
00:58:20
Speaker
Like talking about your feelings and getting that stuff off your chest, not only is the best therapy in the world, but it teaches you how to express everything that the,
00:58:31
Speaker
We don't have to just rub dirt on it anymore. You don't have to keep it bottled up. Like, our my dad didn't. My dad had no idea. My dad overdrank his entire life to where he only let out emotion when he was intoxicated.
00:58:51
Speaker
To where he he couldn't do it any other way. And men, we don't have to be like No, I love that. Well, I love that because I'm glad that you're saying it because that's exactly what kind of stems my stemed my own father's mental illness is just that truth that he didn't ever feel allowed to have feelings until he did um So I'm going kind of wrap this up. I think this, Josh, I'm so grateful that you came on the episode because I think a lot of people need to hear if they're going through their own changes in life and sometimes you're holding on to past, you're telling yourself, I don't know how I can become this different person. But we know I think the key thing is we don't have to have it all figured out. We just have to trust that it will work out as it should and we have to keep going. and be all right with being ourselves, not worrying about what everyone else thinks. And looking at ourselves like honestly, I think is a big thing that I'm am hearing is because if someone's in our life that shouldn't be there, then it's probably because we're wanting them there for some reason. or Selfish reasons. Of our own. Don't don't have it figured out. now Don't go into anything.
01:00:01
Speaker
Like, just make yourself happy. if i If I can tell y'all absolutely anything, just work on making yourself happy. And I promise you, whether it's your wife, your girlfriend, your children, whatever, if you will work on making yourself actually happy, it will be a wildfire effect in your life.
01:00:23
Speaker
Everyone around you will see the difference. You won't have to do nothing. Like like that that's what you need to focus on. it It will internalize into you and you will project it.
01:00:35
Speaker
ah Misery loves company, but they what they won't tell you is happiness does too. Yep, I agree. I love that, Josh. So I appreciate so much for being vulnerable. Anytime. And coming on the podcast. And everyone, as always, um if you love this episode, share it with someone. ah Give it a five-star rating. it helps people find this podcast. And I know there's so many people that need to hear this message. It's okay to be yourself. It's okay to have emotions. And you're not going to mess it up. ah You haven't seen the ending yet. So um just trust that it's going to be great.
01:01:10
Speaker
This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.