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94. When Life Doesn't Look Like You Planned with Thea Lissi
1 Playsin 14 hours
Have you ever looked around at your life and thought, “How did I end up here?”
Not always in a bad way, but in the way that makes you realize your life looks nothing like what you once imagined.
In this episode of Wandering the Wild Mess, I sit down with Thea Lissi, a singer-songwriter, dancer, entrepreneur, dance studio owner, and mother, for a vulnerable conversation about divorce, healing, starting over, single seasons, motherhood, self-trust, and learning to grieve the life you thought you would have.
Thea opens up about losing herself in marriage, finding her voice after divorce, discovering music as a form of healing, and rebuilding a life that feels more aligned with who she truly is. We talk about why healing is not always complete until you allow yourself to be vulnerable again, why relationships can bring up wounds you thought were already healed, and why the right partner should support your healing without being responsible for it.
We also explore the beauty and difficulty of being single after divorce, learning to enjoy your own company, breaking generational patterns, parenting with intention, and trusting that this season of your life still has purpose, even if it does not look how you planned.
If you are navigating divorce, starting over, healing from the past, grieving an old version of your life, or learning how to trust yourself again before love finds you, this episode is for you.
If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe, follow, share it with a friend, and rate the podcast five stars. It helps others find the show.
Stay connected and check out all the ways you can follow along.
If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to rate the podcast five stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟. It really helps others find the show.
Make sure to subscribe, follow, and share it with a friend who needs it!
Stay connected and check out all the ways you can follow along!
- Host Instagram: @heatherdyann
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Find Guest Thea Lissi on Instagram @thealissi
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Welcome
00:00:00
Speaker
Have you ever looked around at your life and thought, how did I end up here? Not in a bad way, but just this isn't at all what I thought my life would look like.
00:00:14
Speaker
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy that you're here. I know when you listened, you related.
00:00:25
Speaker
Probably more than likely every single person that has been listening along this journey can feel that. And so today wanna talk about that with someone that knows it very, very well.
Thea's Journey Post-Divorce
00:00:36
Speaker
The very talented singer, songwriter, dancer, entrepreneur and studio um um owner, mother yeah and amazing light to this world, my friend, Thea Lisi.
00:00:49
Speaker
Thank you. Welcome to the show, Thea. Thank you for having me Yes, I'm so excited you're here. And i we connected in Nashville. I love this. it's while we're recording at CMA Fest week. So it's like a chaotic time. And Thea's playing right after this. So that's really cool too. Yeah, I'm excited. I love that for you. But we connected, I think it was a red door night where we got pretty deep into conversations about life. And I just immediately knew like Thea just had such a cool perspective on life and like just one of those stories that really resonates with, I think, a lot of people and that I could relate to in a lot of ways. And I know that
00:01:31
Speaker
you've had a lot of starting starting over in your life. Yes. yeah And a lot of things probably don't look exactly how you thought. yeah So I'd love to kind of hear a little more about when, because you were once married. Yeah.
00:01:45
Speaker
And what that transition kind of looked like, because now you're all of these other things that you weren't yeah when you were married.
Emotional Challenges and Loneliness
00:01:52
Speaker
Yeah, it was definitely, I think, um you know, once I got a divorce it and we talked about that probably that night that we first met, but I lost myself in that relationship, you know, and um so going through the divorce, I was starting to find myself again, trying to figure out like, what does Thea even like? What does Thea want to be? What does Thea do? You know, and I'm a grown a adult. i think I was 29 at the time, you know, so um but had to start over and like find myself again. And so that's when I started music and started writing. um you know because I didn't even know I could sing before that point in my life and always liked writing. I would write poetry and stuff like whenever I was younger, but never music and and then you know kind of dove into that. avenue as a form of therapy, I guess you could call it expensive therapy. Isn't it all though? Yeah. And then now it's like a full, you know, part of what I do. Um, but yeah, it was definitely a journey. It's like, no one goes into marriage planning to get a divorce, you know, it's like never, or if you do, you shouldn't get married. that a plan but yeah Um, you know, it's like, it wasn't what I had envisioned for my life. And, um, and even now, I guess like kind of,
00:03:02
Speaker
Piggybacking on that first question that you had asked is, I even wrote a song about it's called I Missed It, but sometimes I feel like I missed the mark. It's like, where did I go wrong in it? And it's not that I'm not happy or, you know, but it's, I didn't expect to be alone this long or like for it to take that long for me to even like somebody, you know, again, or like to be able to feel safe enough to like open up again and, you know, any of those things. And so um sometimes you feel like you're doing it wrong or like, did I,
00:03:34
Speaker
Did I miss something? You know, like, am I not following the right path? Am I doing too many things? you know, what is it? And um it can be debilitating sometimes, I guess, if you allow yourself to get too deep into that mindset.
00:03:48
Speaker
Yeah, i I absolutely resonate with that. And I think a lot of people that listen do because after you kind of you don't when you know you're right, it's time to get a divorce. yeah Right. When you know, even though you don't want to. yeah I don't think you can even fathom like, hey, I might be single for five more years. yeah Like, I don't think you are even like thinking that in the moment. Right. Because I wasn't ready to just like dive back in. But then once you're out of it, you're kind of like.
00:04:13
Speaker
all right, God, it's been a while. yeah like i you know i on me yeah I'm still doing this by myself. And I think that, you know, but it's so hard because I wrestle with that too. It's like you are happy, but you you're ready for something. a partner. And yeah, it's like, I always think I have all the things that I guess I thought I wanted when I was younger, you know, especially growing up in poverty and you all of that. I know that little me would be so proud of where I am now, but it's almost like you get to this point where you have the house that you wanted, you have the cars, you have all these things, but if you don't have a partner, it kind of just feels like, what is this all for, you
Learning from Past Relationships
00:04:53
Speaker
know? And so I think it took me a while to get to that place and I was enjoying being ah alone truly for a while and I needed that season. But um I remember thinking there was a girl who had said it took her four years after her divorce to find, you know, her her person. And I remember in that moment, I had just been like gotten divorced and I thought,
00:05:12
Speaker
oh, I hope it doesn't take me four years. And then here I am like six and a half years later. And I'm like, God, thank God I didn't know this then. I probably would have stayed. I've literally said that same thing. Like, cause I just hit a little over three years. And I'm like, if someone would have said three years later, you would still just not have someone else in your life with you. And it's not like you just want that shared life cause you've had it. Yeah. Like, you know what it feels like to share a life with someone. And even though that wasn't the right person to build the rest of your life with, you still know there was an enjoyment that you're like, i want that though. And not being like alone in it all. I think it's like, um you know, it's having a partner in life, like whether it's when you're going through a hard time or if you need help on making a decision or especially being a mom and a business owner.
Discovering Musical Talent
00:06:01
Speaker
And, you know, every like I'm the top person
00:06:05
Speaker
of the chain, I guess you could call it, in in all of those areas. Like I have to make every decision at all. There's no one above me that I could be like, other other than God, obviously, but um that I could ask for help or like that I could lean on. balance an idea. Like, what do you think about this? yeah It's like a trusted partner. Yeah. sometimes you just want to like exhale. I feel like I haven't exhaled in a long time, you know?
00:06:28
Speaker
I 100% know that I feel like and you had like posted something he is an amazing dancer. And I think that's movement is such a good way to move through emotions and feel things. And so I love that you have that outlet and you teach that to other people that need that. But I 100% agree that I think it gets two things can be true. Like you can love your life and feel like I know I can't.
00:06:51
Speaker
carry this alone or you can you just are not you don't to you don't meant to yeah you're not you're never meant to yeah like carry it all by yourself and that's like such a hard thing is that you can't control yeah when partnership arrives because it's like two people the timing like everything and so okay so let's talk really quick though i'm kind of jumping around but i was thinking about how when you learned you could even sing. Like tell me that, because we're retir I want to think about that because I think there's a lot of people too that sometimes you've got to find what you love yeah to sometimes find your partner, or find the things that are meant for you. And so you were like, I need things that I love. And then you found singing and you're like, I didn't even know I could sing. Yeah, and it was like, I was actually, I went on this show. It was like ah a retreat, at like a healing retreat, you know, and we did indigenous ceremonies and like crazy stuff. But like, it was very healing for me too. Some of the things I was like, oh, I don't know about that. for the most part, it was great. And ah while I was there, i met a friend, um Christine, and she we were like reading through my high school journal, basically. like i was reading out all the stuff that I had written, which is probably why we're so close now. i don't know. but um So we were like reading through it, and some of it was some poetry. And she was like, have you ever thought about like putting that into a song? And I was like, I don't know um you know. I guess I never really thought about that. And so...
00:08:14
Speaker
And I had forgot about this until recently. She brought it up. And i'm like, wait, you're right. We did do that. um And so in that moment, I just played around with like singing the poem or whatever. And she told me I sounded good. And I didn't realize that half of like why I thought I couldn't sing is because Every time I was sang in front of people or like even if I'm just singing another song, no one ever complimented it. So I just thought I sucked, you know? Yeah. um And I don't have like a typical female voice. So it's like, you know, I couldn't um sing a lot of the like female voice. songs that I would listen to at that time at least. um And so yeah, I left that retreat and then another girl there did music and she gifted me like a session with her producer because I danced in her music video. So I was like a thank you. She was like, you should get in the studio. And so I recorded my first song um doing that and then I got like addicted to it. And then I listened back to it and said, man, you know, that's not that bad actually. you're like am i Which that's such a key piece about how important it is to have people in their life. And I know that your childhood was a whole other yeah story, but like that tell you you're good, like the power of other people's words and impact on your life yeah because you're just thinking I'm not good. No one's ever. Yeah.
00:09:24
Speaker
told me this and so you're just making that assumption yeah and it's not until you bring around people that are like, oh, you're good because compliments are huge. Like when you realize like, that's why I always like if someone's wearing a cute outfit, I'm like, oh, you look great yeah because you just don't know who might not be hearing that. Yes, because people assume you hear it. Like I get told that a lot that um people assume that I am complimented a lot or something, you know? yeah And I'm like, i actually, no, not that much. And I think it's because everyone is like, ah if they assume it, then they don't say it. And I'm like you, I like to just say it. Because you never know like if they needed that that day. you know
00:10:00
Speaker
what it might mean to somebody. And so it's like... And I feel like if you feel pulled to say it, then that there's a reason that person probably needs to hear it. And I can think about that so many times where I've said stuff um to people and I can just feel their energy like, oh my gosh, they're like taken back. You know, it's probably the girl that thinks no one compliments her because everyone's assuming she's already knows it. And then, you know, and ah yeah, so I think that's big. and And I only bring that up because I think a lot of people grow up just not knowing their abilities in their life if they don't have people in their corner. Especially, I think, because you know I'm one of 11 kids. I think you know that. yeah um you know So it's a lot of children and lot of kids, and you kind of get lost in that mix. you know and um
00:10:46
Speaker
And so I feel like there was a lot of comparison for me because you know like all of my sisters can sing. And so then I knew I didn't sound... you know, have the same voice as them or, you know, and so it's like if you feel like you're not good at it and then you're not being told that you're good at it or, you know, encouraged in any way to do that, then you typically just assume, well, then I must not be good at
Marriage and Misaligned Expectations
00:11:08
Speaker
it. I even wrote, always forget about this, but I had written a ah worship song when I was, I believe I was 18. And the church had
00:11:18
Speaker
they liked the song and they had my sister sing it instead of me. So like, it was just little moments like that, that like I look back and i'm like, okay, that probably affected me more than I realized and made me think, oh, then I must not be good if they're not even gonna have me sing my own song, you know yeah um you know? And so it's like little moments like that just all throughout life that kind of, I guess, like reiterate and confirm this like belief that you have about yourself and So sometimes you just have to go back to those moments and like rewrite it in your head and realize that, you know, sometimes that's not the truth, but that even though it made you believe that, you know? Yes. And that's the biggest thing about the truth is so subjective. It's what you think it is. Yeah. So in that moment, it could have just been like, they think she sounded good singing or they didn't think you would want to sing it because you hadn't been singing as much as you're saying. Like there's so many variables, but whatever you make your mind up to be the truth, yeah is what you carry yeah and until you actually go back and go, oh, maybe that's what you know that's not what it was. yeah you know like Maybe that wasn't or maybe they did like her voice more than mine, but that doesn't mean my voice isn't good. like That was one person's specific thought about someone's voiceover. You know what i mean? like We're not for made for everybody. yes And so there's so much realization in that. So tell me about that. like
00:12:37
Speaker
So you kind of got lost in the mix. So were you just ready to get out of your parents' house and get married? Or were you just ready to start your own family? Or how did that go? I mean, got married, I guess, late compared to a lot of people in my family. But still, obviously, a little too early. I'm like, dang it. If I would have waited, I would skipped my first divorce. your only divorce. That's what we're going to know after this long. But yeah, I couldn't wait to get out of the house. actually left home before even graduated because I had tested out of most of my senior classes so I didn't have to go to the second half of the year for school. So I moved to Lafayette, which was like, I guess, 30 minutes from my hometown and started working immediately and all of that and was in school and um and but I wasn't in a rush to to get married you know at that point in my life I think I've always been takes a lot for me to like like someone and to let someone in especially like in that way um so I typically go a long time between relationships in general just always kind of been that way and then if I didn't see the person as being like my forever person then I would end it because
00:13:50
Speaker
Like, you know, it's what's the point? yeah Yeah, no point of wasting time. So I'd rather be alone than be unhappy in a relationship for sure. But, um you know, so I had that season and then it wasn't until I was i think I was 22 or 23 whenever I had met my ex-husband and, you know, and then we dated and he was the first person that like I liked.
00:14:11
Speaker
past six months and I wasn't like, get away from me. So I was like, okay, this is- This is serious. and Six months is a long time when you're in your early 20s. I feel like like it does seem like, okay, this is like a decent amount of time. because before then I had never dated anyone longer than that. Like by then you know them enough and you kind of see, so I would- know that they weren't a good fit by that point, you know? So, you know, he was the first person that I was with longer than that. And then obviously ended up marrying him. And so we were together for like six years total, you know? um
00:14:41
Speaker
And yeah, it just wasn't what I expected. You know, it's like, i learned I learned a lot you know in that and that season of life. but Do you think anything from the beginning, and not that you would change it, but I feel like a lot of people will talk about, and I even looked at my own experience, I think I have a podcast episode, like 90, about like how I knew and i was supposed to like when it was time to leave the marriage, and that there's something like early on that...
00:15:07
Speaker
you kind of bypassed that ended up being why it ended because you kind of overrode your own like intuition or gut knowing that this may not work i think it's like you know looking back every issue that we had all kind of stemmed around the same root issue which was like i think selfishness from my partner at that time you know um and so it was like but Now that he I'm not knocking him, he's I'm sure he's a great guy now and you know whatever. Yeah, yeah i do yeah. Now it's a moot point, but in that period. We probably could have made it work if I had done more healing too, and but I just could never believe that the change was genuine. But anyway, it was you know it was every argument.
Resentment and Trust Issues in Marriage
00:15:51
Speaker
I would just get tired of like saying the same thing. So eventually you just stop bringing it up, but it doesn't make it not an issue anymore, you know? And so I feel like I did that over and over again. It was like, you know, we'd argue about him helping with the bills and then, you know, I'd get tired of having to argue about it. So I'd just be like, whatever. And then I just stopped bringing it up and I just paid for everything. And then, you know, it would it would be him spending too much time at the gym. And then, you know, you keep bringing it up keep bringing it up. and then you feel like you're nagging and then you stop. And so it's like, um and then I guess I thought in my head, you're thinking, well, once we're married, like it'll get better. And it doesn't. Note to anyone in a relationship, if you think getting married is going to fix the problems, no, it is
00:16:32
Speaker
They're only going to come louder. yeah Yeah. Yeah. Because then they think you'll never leave, which is something he did say. mine did too. And I was like, ah have you met me? 100%. It is really hard to leave though. So don't get me wrong. Like every woman that I know that has left or is in a marriage and yeah and and that's on their mind or even in a long relationship, to be honest. yeah I think no no one's like this, will I'll take it lightly. Like it's a very hard decision. It's crazy you said that because I was little i was listening on the way here. I hadn't heard the song. ah
00:17:04
Speaker
ah Corey Kent has a song, Empty Words. I don't know who wrote it. She's tired of empty words. That was literally in the playing in my head when you were saying that because that's how it felt. It was like, you're done. it doesn't even matter or the thing. it's the the You don't have the ability to trust them anymore with anything they say. And so you just can't even build on that. It becomes to the point where it's like, I hear you, but I'm not listening. yeah and and you almost feel bad. Like, how could I?
00:17:31
Speaker
yeah and and actually, a man said this once to me back when i we were talking about it. And he goes, well, yeah because you didn't respect him. Yeah. That's why you fell out of love with him because you didn't respect him and and a woman should respect the man. And I didn't think I didn't respect him yeah in the moment because I've always treated him respectfully. yeah But i he was right. Yeah.
00:17:53
Speaker
Because i don't it wasn't him specifically. It's like I don't... I can't really respect anyone, I don't trust their word. ye And then you start to resent them too. i think it's like, and resentment is such a like strong emotion. I've seen a study before and it said that whenever this, I think it was a psychologist or something, but he was saying like, how he can tell whenever a relationship is gonna, like a marriage is gonna fail. And he said by one thing, and he's like, if he can, there's like a hint of resentment from the partners. He's like, nine times out of 10, it's, they're gonna get a divorce because once you get to that point, it's so hard to turn back. And I think resentment comes from like, when you were repeatedly let down or whenever they don't do what they say they're gonna do, or they say they're gonna change and then don't, or, um you know or if they act like they don't care about you, or if you have the same arguments and nothing ever changes. you know It's just all of these things kind of like build up, build up, build up to where like you don't respect them anymore, you start to resent them. And then it's like, you know it's just such an unhealthy um relationship. And then that probably causes them to act worse too, because they can feel it. you know So it's like it it becomes on both people at that point and it's hard to repair.
00:19:02
Speaker
I agree and I think you're right they feel it. I think that's a big thing is like you don't want to resent them but you do and then you can't like you're not trying to like cuddle it up with someone that you're literally like oh I'm like you're you're physically like I resent you like I it's hard to be and I know everyone's this like talking about like be this soft girl like and you're feminine or whatever you want to call it it's like hard to just let go and just because you're talking about the heavy thing but I just thought about this the other day, like when it was my birthday, I thought, well, I was alone when I was with him on my birthday, but now I'm alone without him. and It's the same thing. I might as well just not feel like someone's letting me down. Yeah, because honestly, like being lonely when you're not alone, like you're with them, but you feel lonely. I feel like that kind of loneliness is even worse than... the loneliness that I feel now, like being alone, you know? yeah it's like, I have to kind of remind myself of like, okay, I know that's not what I want. Like we just weren't a good match for each other, you know? um And I, but I did learn a lot from that relationship. And then I'm learning a lot in this season being single. And I feel like I've needed these lessons. I had a lot to like,
00:20:15
Speaker
I guess rewiring to do in my brain because of my childhood and you know the trauma and just things that like I had seen and experienced that I feel like in order to be in a healthy relationship I know that I probably need this season and obviously there's more in it that I need to learn and I just haven't yet and that's why I haven't met the person yet I don't know No, but I just tell me what it is. What is it? Well, I do think that's fair. And I never want to think there's something like wrong with us or broken. I think there's a lot of single people. that was like, when is my time? What do I need? to i need to do more to be better. And like, I really believe everyone is inherently worthy of love and partnership. And I don't, and I, you know, of course I can't say that is going to happen for everyone, but I truly believe if it's a desire in your heart, then it is. But I do think.
00:20:56
Speaker
it's all about capacity. yeah When I think about anything in your life, even when you're trying to be like, this this podcast with your music, do you have the capacity to hold the level of yeah audience you want to receive? yeah The level of, you know, all of those things. And it all comes about to, are you does that feel safe for you yeah to have that? That's so true. Because I feel like there's a, when we have a fear, like a fear of being seen or a fear of being loved, a fear of trusting someone, a fear, you know,
00:21:21
Speaker
It's even though we want these things, it's like it almost you repel it energetically, I guess you could say, um because of that unconscious or subconscious, you know, like a fear that we have. And so part of me does, I think, still kind of.
00:21:37
Speaker
fear certain things that I do want, but it's like I have to work through that fear because you're gonna basically, you'll sabotage it probably, you know, if you're not working through that. So it's, yeah, I don't know, it's a wild journey. It is, and I feel like the thing that's been coming back to me, and I and i want, it like, because we're both, like, in the single season, and I did a lot of healing, like, last year, yeah And like this year I've been like talking to, you know, building my relationship with my faith. And I've been hearing like, you just, you need to be back out in the world. Cause I think sometimes we get kind of like sad in that, like, Oh, I want this partnership. ebola And you, and you kind of just have to be in joy. You know what and I mean? Like be in the moment. And so like, tell me like when you're thinking about
Parenting and Breaking Cycles
00:22:21
Speaker
growing up the way that you did, like, how do you change that with your daughter and with your life? Like, how do you make it feel different for you than what it felt like kind of that yeah break the generational.
00:22:32
Speaker
Honestly, I feel like, you know, it's, I didn't have a good example of what to be as a parent, but I had a good example of what not to be. So I just take that, you know, like, and do the opposite. You know, and you do your best. And I think, especially as a parent, there's no like rule book or, you know, guideline to how to do this right and not mess up your kid. And that's like, you know, my goal. So I think I'm just always,
00:22:57
Speaker
but what's the next best decision I can do? It's like you have to take it moment to moment. And if you mess up, learn about that area more, like figure out how you can do it better the next time. And um and one thing I feel like that has made a big difference in my daughter and and me as a parent is the Five Love Languages book, but there's one for kids. Oh, too and so I read that because I feel like, you know, I was always doing my best or trying to do my best as a mother, you know, um not perfect. But whenever she became a teenager, you know, you figure it out real quick, you're like, okay, something is not right. And, um you know, she was just like acting up and you know, just seemed angry, I guess, or something. It was like, we were getting in these fights and all this, and I'm like, what is going on? Like, I'm trying everything I can to show her that I love her, and I just feel like it's not going through. And then whenever I read that book, I realized, okay, maybe I'm showing her love in a way that's not her love language. And it it's said in there, like, how if... If a child doesn't feel loved, they're going to act out, you know, and it's like, think about even us as adults. If we don't feel loved, we act out. So how much more is a kid going to do that? And they may not even be aware of the reasoning you know behind it.
00:24:08
Speaker
And so i um I had her do the little online quiz, you know, and then figured out what her love languages are. And sure enough, two of them are... two that I'm not good at showing that way because like if it was acts of service and quality time and as someone who works 12 plus hours a day and you know like those two things just don't come naturally for me so I'm like trying to show her love in the way that I receive it but that wasn't the way that she received it and so I just started being intentional about that and had to like really put in effort And then it was like night and day, like her behavior in our relationship. And then like every time, because it's been a few years now. And if I notice that she's starting to get, you know, like snippy or whatever, I always have to like check myself. Like, okay, have I been intentional lately with showing her love in the way that, you know, she receives it? And every time I'm like, no, I haven't been doing a good job at that. So it makes sense, you know? I feel like that's so beautiful, Tia, and that will be an example of what a great partner you'll be. You know what I mean? It's because you're looking and I think that's the big thing for people in their lives, being intentional about it. I think we're easy to judge, and people can be like, well, this, she's just acting out. And they're putting the blame on This teenage fight. love to make...
00:25:27
Speaker
put the blame and the excuses on, well, he did this, my kid's doing this, da, da, da. But really, oftentimes, it's like, what we can control is taking a step back and saying, like, how do I show up differently to make this dynamic? And I mean, sometimes it is the relationship. Like, there's yeah relationships you're like, this is just,
00:25:46
Speaker
yeah Nothing more can happen here. Obviously not with a kid. You're not kidding. But like like you even a friendship, or relate even friendships. I think people, you have to go, this is not the dynamic that makes me feel good. I've tried to be intentional and this is good. But you have to self-reflect. I think that's a big one. And I think to your point about like growing up and having like a difficult childhood, like I was pretty blessed. I had, we had difficult things, but not from my parents, you know, not being there. Right. It was just more like things that my dad had mental health illness, but, and like things like that. yeah But I do think like a lot of people carry things from their childhood into their relationships. Yeah.
00:26:27
Speaker
And I would say to anyone listening, yeah like that that is probably what's preventing a meaningful relationship from coming if you haven't sat back and looked at those things. Not that like it's preventing, because it's not like it just comes and magically appears. Two guys are going waiting outside to marry us, Thea, when we walk out. I was thinking that. I was like, gosh. We're going done somewhat healing. So God's just like, oh, there they are. now are you They're waiting. Never met them. Where's the sticker? But you know, I'm not saying that's just going to happen, but I'm saying like, that's a lot of the root. I think of like,
00:27:01
Speaker
where our your fights come from, your insecurities. But I also do think you have to be in a relationship sometimes to find them. Did you learn that? I've realized that. like I thought, okay, I'm so you know i'm healed now. I've gone through all this therapy and whatever. and um But then whenever I got into a relationship like a few months ago, I finally dated again. and you know and it brought up a lot of like things that I thought I had already worked through and so you realize you can only work through healing there's only so much you can do until you actually put yourself in a vulnerable situation and you open up to people then there's like a whole nother wave and level of like that healing you know that you won't experience when you're alone and like, you don't realize that those things are going to still trigger you or like, you know, mess with you until you're in a relationship. And so, yeah, you have to like open up and allow someone in, you know, to even get past that. And then it's a matter of like, if they're the right person for you, then you work through it together. But, um but I think it's like not making other, like someone else responsible for your,
00:28:06
Speaker
trauma like you want someone who can be understanding and be like there for you but it's not their job to heal you and so i think that's something that like is important to accept and to know is like okay my trauma my like healing is my own responsibility and it's not someone else's to bear, and it's my job to like heal that in me, and but also in that healing, choose the right partner that will support me in it, but it not put it on them, you know because everyone has their own stuff, you know their own baggage, their own war that they're going through.
00:28:41
Speaker
you know through so And I think you did it. the right I mean, I think that's a perfect perspective is like knowing that the right person is going to be able to manage that. But you also can't like put the burden and think that because that's I think some people think if I get in a relationship, everything will fix. i'll I'll feel like I'm good enough. I'll feel like it's like you really have to find that on your own because like you said, you could feel good and healed and like if I have this partner. But once you get in it. Yeah. you're gonna have a whole other level of
Dating and Relationship Dynamics
00:29:07
Speaker
things. And so if you're not even un stable yeah without the partner, then the partner is only gonna like now add another layer of insecurities and doubts and questions because once you open your heart and become that vulnerable with someone, like you have to trust them. yeah
00:29:23
Speaker
And you have to be okay if they're gonna break your heart because that's just the part of putting yourself out there and loving again. And I think that's like, We want love, but are we willing to take the risk for it? Yeah, you know, yes. So true. And it's I think trusting them is is always going to be hard, right? Trusting like your partner or a person. But it's also like part of it I've realized is trusting yourself. Like I have to trust myself enough to know that if it gets to a point where like I know I need to leave, I have to trust that I will do the right thing to protect myself and my heart and and leave or that I will be able to do that. And I think like a lot of times it's maybe had lost that trust in myself. So I was like so scared to even let someone in because I didn't trust that I would stand up for myself if I needed to or that I would you know so it was like a both way if that makes sense. Yeah you have to have you have to know that you that you won't lose yourself in the relationship again because that will never serve you like if you're you've lost yourself and I I try to tell like my friends that are like looking to date and it's a big part of their life and that's their whole journey sometimes I feel like it's just trying to find a husband but
00:30:33
Speaker
I'm always like, the thing is, is that like you, that's a lot of pressure when you meet someone, like when you're meeting a partner. And I know, I mean, I've talked to men about this, but I mean, I think it goes both ways, but I think it's more for a woman trying to find a man. If if he feels the pressure of like, I've got to save this girl, like she's, you know, like it's a lot, yeah you know, to just come through like, that you know what I mean i think it feels and it's not that they don't maybe they maybe they want to yeah you know they I think most good men really are like I just want to take care of her and make it easy for her yeah but when they feel that obligation out the jump before they've even built like a actual solid foundation yeah of emotional that you're just another girl that walked down the street like yeah I haven't built enough with you
00:31:19
Speaker
to to want to take care of you like that. And and so it feels like pressure out the jump. Yeah, because I think it feels like um rejection or abandonment. and Like if someone's not, you know, fully invested, you know, right up front, it can feel like, oh, you know, it's wrong yeah what's wrong with me or why don't they see it? But I think there's like a way to reframe it where you realize, no, that actually signifies that that like they're actually a healthy person because an unhealthy person is going to immediately be like obsessed and you know, whatever, when they don't even know you. But if he has like self-worth and knows what he wants and like who he is as a person, then he's actually going to take the time to like really figure out if you're the right one for him. And that's a sign of a good partner in the long term. So it's like letting it just be and like letting it, I guess, God and have control because we don't have the control anyway. And just be like, if this is for me, it's it's for me. And if it's not, then, you know, like I'm not going to have to convince my person that they're my person. And I think that's like, something you have to remind yourself sometimes, especially when dating. It's like, if you feel like you have to convince somebody, then they're not for you. 100%. And you shouldn't have to. And then they're going to go find their person and and they won't have to be convinced. yeah you know so But it's it's okay if it's not you. And maybe they're not even ready. I was just thinking an analogy while you're in there. It's like if you're like selling, I don't know, anything, timeshare something. It's like if if you have to, like they might want to do more research. They might want to yeah learn about this person before investing yeah a lot. yeah And that's just a sound business decision. not... rejection of they could be like, oh, I want to buy this property and they could think, oh, it's the best property ever. But like, let me do a little more research and see and get some collect some more data yeah before I make a big decision. Because it's
Embracing Singleness and Personal Freedom
00:33:08
Speaker
important. It's like the one of the most important decisions that you'll ever make is like your partner. But then we're like, can you imagine a sales guy like, no, if you don't know right away from this property, if you want to invest half a million dollars or more in this, like, a no, it's like, you don't know for me. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, if you think about like, you wouldn't want a man that's just like, yeah.
00:33:28
Speaker
And you're like, don't you want to like, know me? Because yeah, and i actually, no, it's totally fine. I don't expect you to talk very much anyway. No, I'm kidding. Well, no, I was thinking because that the one boyfriend I've had in my divorce, like he just went all in. I never, i mean, I didn't really know. But I was like, looking back, it's like, that was just, I mean, in my head, I'm gaslighting myself. Like, of course, anyone that knows me would be like, she's so great. Of course, of course, he's obsessed with me out the jump. But looking back, I'm like, no, he was just not healed. It's like love bombing or, yeah. Yeah, he was like just trying to like...
00:33:58
Speaker
yeah process he just wanted to jump back into because he had been divorced I think he just wanted to jump back into like having a life yeah with the partner again yeah it's like that dope they chase dopamine sometimes people I think in relationships it's like people that jump from relationship to relationship it's like you're chasing a high, you're chasing a, like a, something that's gonna, you know, give you this good feeling and whatever. But the problem with that is that you're you're always going to be doing that. And so the second the relationship gets real, or it gets hard, and then they're going to go chase dopamine somewhere somewhere else, you know what i mean? And so i've I've noticed that in like, ah in dating, just in general, it's,
00:34:36
Speaker
I kind of like, you know, maybe i analyze too much, but, you know, I can notice certain behaviors in people and it's like, okay, that's not a partner that I want. Cause I know like I have a lot of things going in life and it's like, you know, not the least stressful thing in the world when you have a kid and, you know, ah all these responsibilities, you know? And so, um, you need somebody who's grounded and who doesn't need to always have a new, like, so supply of something to keep them, you know, addicted, I guess. um And so, yeah, it's not not a good quality to have, I think, in a long-term partner.
00:35:11
Speaker
i Yeah. And I agree that, like, the jumping from relationship to relationship, I think a lot of people, too, are just not – it's uncomfortable to be alone. Yeah. I don't think enough people realize that. Or if they do, they quickly jump. And I think there's a power in the discipline of not only, like, allowing yourself to sit with yourself, but then also, like – enjoying your own company i feel like is so you know it's so powerful to be able to do that you know i think like being single has almost been taught it's like we're taught that it's a bad thing if you're single especially like 30 and above you better be yeah she's never like you know what i mean and so it's almost like
00:35:53
Speaker
it makes it harder to enjoy because you feel like it's ah wrong or like that, you know, it's not a good thing. And I think reframing that too is like, okay, this is the only season of my life that I can literally focus on myself and do whatever I want and like chase whatever dream I want. And then once I do find my partner, that's going to be forever. And, you know, so like enjoy that season while you're in it. And I have to remind myself of this, you know, even um because it's like, okay, this is going to be the last,
00:36:24
Speaker
time that because once I get married again, you know, that's it. So I'm like, definitely, I'm making sure I make the right, choose the right person this time. And then, ah you know, and then that's it. We work through it. But, there we were you know, so I'm like trying to just like, I guess, think of this single thing season as that is just like okay this is time for me to focus on myself and like my passions my you know like all of these time where I'm not having to split my time with another person and so use it wisely and then you know I'll probably look back in a few years and be like okay this all makes sense it always makes sense you know yeah yeah but it's like I'm not there yet so I don't know Well, no, there was a thing going around that was like, I've seen a couple girls say like, that like with anyone really, this is my last, like, what if this is your last single summer? yeah Like, how are you going to move through life this summer? If this was really, you knew, you know, that this was going to be your last single summer. Like, would you be moping? Like, I can't believe I'm still single. Or would you be like, oh my gosh, this is my last single summer. Like, yeah I'm going to be like, and this doesn't even mean about like guys even or other people. it's just like, what do you want to do with your time? Because you're right. As soon as you,
00:37:36
Speaker
We want that love, but like that means a commitment. That means time. That means changing, you know, routines in your life that you actually don't probably realize how much you enjoy. yeah You know, like the quiet moments in the morning with me and the dog and the coffee. Like, don't get me wrong. i would love someone to be there next to me. But there's there's also a beauty in just having that moment to myself. True. And so I think, yeah, the reframe is key. I'm always a big reframe girl. I'm like, someone says something. I'm like, well, let's reframe it like this, you know? And I even had, I ran into, cause we were all out the other night and one, a ah girl, another singer songwriter out here. And she's like, still just doing the music thing. I'm trying. I'm like, girl, you're not trying. You're doing, yeah you know, yes' you're doing, you are doing the music thing. You're not trying. yeah You know, and I think that's just anything in life. It's just try to reframe it to something that actually serves you. Yeah.
00:38:29
Speaker
And your progression in life instead of makes you feel... Bad, shameful. Yeah, because it's like it is what it is. You know yeah can't change it like at you know this moment, or I guess you could. You could just jump in a relationship and then then you'd probably be unhappy in that because you just jumped into it just to not be single. or you know So yeah, it's like you just gotta to take what you can get from each season and and I guess be present in it too. And be be present and be okay with it and then you know like find the silver lining, I guess, in and everything. Yeah. And I would say that being present is a key thing. That's another thing I heard this year, like go be in the world and be present because like being in the world and being present are where the opportunities happen. And that's partnership. That's opportunities with your job, music, the podcast. Yeah. Being in the world is how things can be orchestrated.
00:39:19
Speaker
Right. So if you're sitting and moping, like, how does that happen? Like, no, like. Yeah. And you never even know, I always think, like if you have the pull to do something, you never even know whether it's partnership or opportunities, like you're somewhere, then someone meets you, then someone's like, oh, I had this friend and then he, you know, or had this opportunity for you. And like, it's when you're in the world and you're being present, like not sitting on your phone, not being sad that the guy that's been your situationship for six months isn't writing you back. It's when you're like, In the joy, know what I mean? That you like have the best moments. And like, not even, I saw you at Red Door and I just want to tell this because it's on my mind. But like, we were there and you probably saw me. I met this cutest Texan and we were dancing. He was like, know two step? I was like, yeah. He's like, do you know half step? I'm like, no. And Red Door is not where you dance. There's like, you know, but we did. And the reason I'm even telling that's Theo because I realized that I was just,
00:40:10
Speaker
This is like life, like you meet a guy, it's not like I'm like, oh, am I gonna marry him? What's gonna happen? And we're gonna text. I was just like enjoying the moment for what it was. yeah and I hadn't had a lot of those in a while because I'd been like, oh, I'm optimizing myself. I gotta be better. I'm not doing enough and all of that. And then I was just having so much fun, yeah like out with everyone and just talking and being present. I wasn't on my phone. I was just doing me. And I was like, I wish more people realized what medicine that is yeah to be around like good people and just like let people in. Like when I think about the all these years, like of being single, I've met people.
00:40:48
Speaker
some of the coolest people, you know, especially here in Nashville and like great friends. You've had so many opportunities. yeah And I'm like, I probably would have never met half of these people if I was in a serious relationship because I wouldn't be going out. I wouldn't, which is, you know, not necessarily where I met everyone, but you know, like, or I wouldn't be doing all the things that like I have done over the years because, you know, maybe you just stay home or you you know, who knows, I guess I'd have to be in a relationship to know what that would really look like. yeah You know, it's like a lot of these people I probably just would have never met or even like been able to have that like level of conversation with if I were, you know, in a relationship.
Starting Over and Appreciating the Journey
00:41:26
Speaker
So it's like, I guess I value that, that part of it is like, you know, some of the coolest people and friendships, connections, and um opportunities that have like come up because I've just had the freedom to
00:41:36
Speaker
be able to do that you know so it's and being present in that you know like in every moment is it's so hard to do but um ah that definitely helps you know it's like it makes it happen for you okay Thea so let's like wrap up thinking about like in your whole starting over so your life doesn't look like what you thought it would but I know you love it, right? You have a beautiful life that you've built for yourself. That's something to be so proud of. Your daughter is absolutely gorgeous. Your dancing is amazing. Your songs, I'm so excited. We're gonna go to your show after this. Like it's amazing. but
00:42:07
Speaker
So I know we'll look back with your man. we'll hear We'll hear about your wedding. I know everything will be great. And then you'll be like, oh, all of those things added up. I believe that for you. And I believe that for everyone listening. Like it will make sense backwards. We just have to like flow with it while we're in it and trust the path.
00:42:24
Speaker
even though it's messy. yeah But what would you kind of like want to tell your you know younger self when you were like going through like, how is my life? Like probably when you're getting divorced and you're like, okay, this isn't what I wanted. yeah Like what would you tell her now that you like, what are you proud of that that you did?
00:42:44
Speaker
feel like it's just, you know, like that I made it through. It's like, you're gonna, you're gonna turn like alchemize your pain, basically, like turn your pain into a purpose and you're gonna be able to use that, you know, so like everything that I was going through, then, like, I didn't go through it for nothing. So I feel like I would tell my younger self that but also just That it's it's okay if your life looks different then than you thought or that it doesn't go as you planned. Sometimes the way we plan it is not the best route anyway, you know? And so, um yeah, I guess that's what I would say. Yeah.
00:43:21
Speaker
had just I'd probably just give her a big hug. Yeah. And that is a big thing is looking back at your past self instead of being like, how did I do that? It's like, thank you for getting me the strength to get me to where I am today. yeah Instead of thinking like, oh, she messed up. She made the wrong decisions. It's like, I truly do believe that the decisions will still align with where you're meant to go. even if, you know, and you just take on the lessons, even like you said in that last relationship, it's like,
00:43:51
Speaker
at least you got to the next stage. you know From like healing to like, okay, now I know what I need to still work on in here. And I'm going work on those things. And then the right aligned partner, I'll be better prepared for that. Exactly. Relationship. Not the end of the world, know? Yeah. It feels like it sometimes, you know, it's like, it isn't. It isn't. But is. You zoom out sometimes, you know? Yeah. Zooming out is key. I think it's really hard for us to do that. But when you're more present, I think it's easier because you're like, what's the problem right in this moment? Yeah. Like, I've did that a lot during my, like, what wrong right now? Yeah. Yeah.
00:44:24
Speaker
And like, there's nothing wrong in this yeah current moment. And I think too, with, uh, this is the last thing I guess I wanted to say on that topic is yeah sometimes it's like, you have to grieve the life that you thought you would have. There is, and it's okay to be sad about it and like, and grieve it for a bit, like grieve the fact that like, it didn't turn out the way you thought or that that marriage didn't last or, you know, like that's a normal emotion to feel. And I think ah I tend to and like intellectualize my feelings or like things that happen. And it's like, I just so I can understand them. But then sometimes that takes away from you actually feeling it and processing it. And so I think like allowing yourself to grieve it and, and then let it go, like grieve it and then let it, let yourself feel it and then release it, you know, is important because it's okay to be sad about it, you know, yeah like for that moment, but then don't stay there.
Healing and Vulnerability in Growth
00:45:16
Speaker
Yeah, don't stay there. No, I think that's big. I think that's how you move through everything. Like allow yourself to grieve it. Yeah. um And then let it go. And usually when you actually grieve it, you realize like, it yeah, it was really hard, but it it's not it's it's harder when you're suppressing it.
00:45:32
Speaker
Exactly. it It feels a lot heavier when you won't look at it. When you finally see it, it's never as hard as you. I mean, it's still hard, but not as hard as the avoiding. It's so true. i um I wrote a book, which I'll one day release, but it's called Feel Heal Thrive. And one of the analogies I talk about in there is. how like as you know, we all tend to suppress emotions. I feel like that's men and women alike. um And this holistic healer was talking about a man that had tetanus, I think it was on his knee. And um the wound had healed on the outside, but it was like still infected on the inside. And so he was gonna lose his leg. if it didn't like get any better. And she said the thing with tetanus is like you have to, she had to literally open the wound and it got like looked really bad and yucky and whatever, but clean it out. And that way it could heal from the inside out because since it had healed on the outside, but wasn't healed on the inside, it looked healed, but it was it was literally killing the rest of his body. It was like slowly his organs all, you know. And so I thought about that with healing. It's like, We put this, we shove it down and we put this little pretty seal and a bow, you know, whatever on it. But it's like, it's still in there and it's affecting every other area of your life without even realizing it. And so healing looks like opening up the wound and it's going to be ugly and it's going to hurt and it's going to be all these things. But if you don't do it that way and allow yourself to truly like heal from the inside and then, you know, like fully, truly heal, um then you'll always be affected by it. And it will...
00:47:05
Speaker
It could take, you know, like many parts of your life away from you. It could affect other parts of your life, like kill them, I guess, in not a literal way. But, you know, um and so it's important to just like actually let it out. And I i know sometimes out I'm like, oh I don't want to feel this. I feel like if i start crying, I'm just never going to stop. You know, i don't know if you've ever thought that, but I'm like, if I let myself do it, like, you know, he'll...
00:47:31
Speaker
and feel this i don't know if i can but you can you know and it's like uh you just gotta to make yourself almost like go in a room go you know wherever you need to let it out and Oh, I feel like it's it easier. I'll like wrap this by saying I agree, with Thea, that we actually have to feel things. And I realized even in my marriage, I i rarely cried. My husband probably never saw me cry. in the And I have like early episodes about this, like crying in front of like random men that barely even knew me yeah multiple times. And the way that i I probably cry, like literally I cried here about listening to a Red Clay Stray song, you know, about like. Just, you know what i mean? Like I cry all the time now because I allow myself to feel.
Conclusion and Appreciation
00:48:11
Speaker
yeah And like in my marriage, and I'm not like blaming him, but I just wasn't doing that. And I don't even think it's my marriage. it's just probably who I was. I felt like I had to be strong. I had to carry it all. I had to do it. And I just didn't allow myself to feel. And so now it's like...
00:48:24
Speaker
I just like let it out. It's not bad. Yeah, it's not bad, you know? And and I do, and it feels safe. Like the people that I've kept in my life, like no one's like, oh, why, you know, are you crying or whatever? Like, it's like, this is just like who I am. And, you know, I feel like the right partner for me would be like, I love my wife's softness. You know what I mean? yeah Like that she just feels things yes because I think that's part of life. And I think,
00:48:49
Speaker
like wrapping this up if you're listening yeah i'm so thankful to have you on the podcast by the way i think this was i hope this hits something in your heart that you're like if you've been thinking about going on your own healing journey inner work wanting a relationship it's just helpful like you said it heals other parts of your life yeah things that you hold in that you don't feel are likely impacting a lot of other things in your life and so I think everyone's kind of wanting to be the their best self but if you can't examine all the parts of of your life that you don't want to see yeah yeah then it's hard to get there so um definitely share this episode with someone that you feel like needs to hear it if there's someone in your life that that's been circling these same kind of topics share that with them and and also give the podcast five stars because it helps You know how that goes. you know ah helps more people find it. And Thea, thank you so much for being on the podcast. Thank you for having me. Yes, absolutely. And everyone else, I love you.
00:49:49
Speaker
And this was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.