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90 I How I Knew It Was Time to Leave My Marriage
51 Plays4 days ago
When did you know it was time to get divorced?
It's one of the questions I get asked most often, and the truth is, there wasn't one defining moment..
In this vulnerable episode, I share the real story behind my divorce, what it felt like to spend years trying to make a marriage work, pretend it's "not that big of a deal," convincing myself to stay, hoping things would change, and quietly wrestling with the question I didn't want to ask: Can I do this forever?
We talk about trust, broken promises, self-honesty, and the difference between loving someone and knowing a relationship is no longer right for you. This isn't an episode about giving up on marriage. It's about what happens when you've tried everything you know how to try and your heart already knows the truth.
If you've ever questioned a relationship, struggled with a major life decision, or felt the weight of choosing a different path, this conversation is for you.
Learn to trust your path, no matter how messy it looks.
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Transcript
Heather's Divorce Decision
00:00:36
Heather Morgan
The truth is, i didn't leave my marriage when things got hard. I left after years of trying to convince myself to stay. And I think that's the part that nobody talks about.
00:00:49
Heather Morgan
So let's get into it. Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. i am so happy you're here. Y'all, we got to talk about the question I keep getting asked over and over and over again, and that is how and when did you know it was time to get divorced?
00:01:11
Heather Morgan
And if you've listened early in the episodes, I have sprinkled that answer throughout so many of my early vulnerable episodes. So should definitely go back and check them out. But I wanted to just address this because I know a lot of people are in those moments and they're really wrestling with the feeling. And I can truly take myself back there, even being three years post-divorce and really recalling what it felt like in those moments to make such a really life-altering decision.
00:01:50
Heather Morgan
And the reason I want to come back with this is because I want to be honest with how hard of a decision it was. i think there's a lot going around that people are saying, you know, glorifying divorce and people are so, you know, it just throwing marriages away. Like it doesn't matter and all of that. And that is not at all the vantage point in which I see was my marriage. I did not, I think anyone probably,
00:02:21
Heather Morgan
that truly loved and cared about the person that they committed to being with does not think, oh yeah, it was just so easy for me to throw that away. It's probably one of the hardest decisions that you'll ever make in your entire life. And unless you've been divorced, you just can't even fathom because I once never been divorced and I i had absolutely no idea.
00:02:45
Heather Morgan
but i want to get into like I'm not saying, and I think people think often when someone's like, I knew I was wrestling and with it for years.
00:02:58
Heather Morgan
It's not like I thought I was going to leave the next day and I had planned it out and it was some like idea I had in my head that I was going to leave. But there was, looking back now, in hindsight,
00:03:13
Heather Morgan
2020, right? I see so many times in which I was like, can I do this forever?
00:03:24
Heather Morgan
But you easily get met with a busy life and things to do and you stop yourself and say like, well, this is my life. This is what I'm doing. I'm married. I'm committed. This is my person, you know? And you and And I think that's going to always be marriage.
00:03:40
Heather Morgan
You know, I've obviously only been married once, but I i think those are relationships. There's moments where you're like, oh, I don't really like this, but this is, you know, we work this through. We work this through. and there's so many of those moments that you do that.
00:03:53
Heather Morgan
But there becomes a time where it's just
Impact of Alcohol on Marriage
00:03:57
Heather Morgan
draining. And I was listening to this song, Narcissist by Adriana. And I'm definitely not name calling my ex-husband as a narcissist because I don't think that he was one. But that song when it first came out was close to, you know, when we were going through the end of our marriage.
00:04:15
Heather Morgan
And I remember our biggest point, and I never am saying this to like put him down. We all have our own struggles and I know I wasn't a perfect wife, but the challenge I had in our marriage was a lot about his drinking.
00:04:36
Heather Morgan
That was like something that was not just in our marriage, but even before. So you could say shame on me, right? Because I knew these behaviors before I said I do. And I have owned that and I know that.
00:04:48
Heather Morgan
But That started wearing on me over time. And I think I had like gaslit myself to thinking that, you know, as we got older, that the behavior would just naturally fall away. Like that was something we like did together a lot in our 20s. And as we got into our 30s, like that just wouldn't be the same.
00:05:08
Heather Morgan
And I realized that you can only know how you're going to evolve and you can't even always know that, but you definitely can't. know how other people are going to evolve and what changes and they're going to make and what behaviors are going to fall away.
00:05:24
Heather Morgan
And that one did not. And it wore on me because, and I realized, you know, it wasn't like he was like this really rude, angry drinker. It was when I was like putting myself back in that situation, what was hard is the unknowing of like, there was two big things, like not knowing what to expect of a night out together. Like if it was going to, if I was going to have to like take care of
00:05:55
Heather Morgan
him in ways because he was, you know, a little gone like, like how it was going to feel. Like it was a lot of like tension and anxiousness around that.
00:06:07
Heather Morgan
But when you're living it, you don't really realize how much it's overwhelming you. You kind of just are in this like survival mode of like, that's just your life. And so you don't really realize how much it's wearing you down.
00:06:21
Heather Morgan
And so as we're, you know, close to – like there was so many times looking back that I was like Googling things like do people just stop drinking? Like when is that going to – like how does that change? How do you manage that? Like there was a lot of those things that I was quietly doing that I was never telling anyone, that I wasn't – like I wasn't telling friends and family. i Larry was quiet about it. I didn't want to disrespect him. And I'm – like when I say this, I am –
00:06:54
Heather Morgan
Not putting him on blast to say that, you know, I don't understand that he probably was struggling with things. And I know he didn't really want to admit that because – we had conversations, it definitely was always met with like, I didn't do that. I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't do that. And so there really wasn't that level of accountability with it.
00:07:20
Heather Morgan
And when there was, it was like, okay, well, I won't do that again. But then they would.
00:07:26
Heather Morgan
And so it was either I don't remember, i wouldn't do that, or I'll change. And none of those really like satisfied the the root of the the problem because it just continued and it just felt so heavy. And I, as I've kind of like sat with this question, because I talk so much about divorce and people ask me so many questions, I really don't, I really don't know that I would have
00:07:58
Heather Morgan
I really don't know how I finally got to the point that I just couldn't do it anymore except for near the end. i think I might have mentioned this before.
00:08:09
Heather Morgan
And it again, it was a collection over time, but it didn't feel like it. It wasn't like I was planning this out. But there was my last birthday before the divorce, before I said
Turning Point: Broken Promises
00:08:20
Heather Morgan
that I want a divorce. And
00:08:22
Heather Morgan
I said, okay, we were driving. We were going to meet our friends at Topgolf. I don't think I told this story before. And we had taken an Uber and we're in the car. And I say, okay, it's my birthday.
00:08:37
Heather Morgan
Would it be okay if you just don't take shots tonight? You can have some beer because we're out with the friends. But like, it's my birthday. Like, could I just be the one that's a little more having the time?
00:08:51
Heather Morgan
ah And it kind of makes me cry because i kind of hated that I had to do that, to be honest.
00:08:58
Heather Morgan
But it was my reality and I put myself there, right? So i he was like, of course, of course, you know? And I'm just like, okay, good. So we get there and then sure enough, and it's not like I'm ever talking about it with my friends.
00:09:12
Heather Morgan
And sure enough, I look over and there he was. You know, my friends had ordered shots and there he was taking a shot.
00:09:20
Heather Morgan
And like we made eye contact. And I think a piece of me just died right there.
00:09:27
Heather Morgan
Because i was correlating the pattern of like, it's my birthday. I made one request and we're 15 minutes into the night and it's already been disregarded.
00:09:42
Heather Morgan
And I know some people may be thinking like you married them better or worse and all of that.
00:09:53
Heather Morgan
But it's it's the level of like, I just don't think I can feel this discarded and disrespected for the rest of my life.
00:10:08
Heather Morgan
And I know no one's perfect, but I think it was just the continual pattern of disappointment in what I had
00:10:22
Heather Morgan
as my life. And it's so crazy because I knew other people that you could objectively say had much harder things happening in their marriage. And I've talked about this before. And so it was so hard for me to be like, well, you know,
00:10:38
Heather Morgan
These people, that that husband's not even loyal. Like he's cheating or that one yells at her all the time or that one, you know, says rude things or, you know, all of these other things. I was i was looking at everyone else's marriage and being like, well, theirs isn't great either. And it could be potentially worse than mine, you know. So just deal with it.
00:11:02
Heather Morgan
But I didn't want to deal with it.
00:11:05
Heather Morgan
And like I do think having a father, like growing up Mormon and my parents never drank or anything, like sometimes it was hard for me to wrap that around that like the thought of even like a future with a person, ideas family, so many things were like I don't want it to feel like this.
00:11:29
Heather Morgan
And i I just didn't think I could carry that on. But the crazy thing is, and if you're in this kind of situation with any point in your life with a partner that you're with and you're thinking about leaving, like it's so much more complicated than
Realization of Unwanted Life
00:11:46
Heather Morgan
that. It's not just like, okay, there's some like disrespect here and there. Like there is like this buildup. It's not like one moment.
00:11:54
Heather Morgan
where you suddenly knew it's like a thousand little moments and you're looking back and now I can see them clearly. But in the moment, in that point in time, it's so hard to be like, because the idea of actually getting a divorce and actually going through with it and changing your entire life and leaving everything you've built, all of that just seems so unfathomable to digest.
00:12:19
Heather Morgan
And and i think Again, nobody talks about how bad you want it to work. Like I'm i'm trying to convince myself. But he loves me. He's a good guy. Like this is just a problem. Like maybe he'll change one day. Like there was so many things.
00:12:36
Heather Morgan
But I think at one point you start seeing the gap between the life that you have and the life that you really want. And you're like, I just, I can't feel this way every day for the rest of my life.
00:12:50
Heather Morgan
And i I brought that up before. That was a big decision maker for me was when my dad, I told you my dad died. we and We know this. And that was like so heartbreaking for me. And when I kept thinking about how much time I had left in my life, if I only lived as long as my dad, I did not want to celebrate those last birthdays that way ever again.
00:13:15
Heather Morgan
Like, can you imagine you have two birthdays left right now? Think about this. Just think of it.
00:13:21
Heather Morgan
Do you want the partner that you're with to be the person you're celebrating them with?
00:13:28
Heather Morgan
How they treat you, how they act, how they are, how they make your day. And I'm not saying like marriages are all on birthdays, but they're the one day out of the year that tells you something about how that person truly feels about you. and if That day,
00:13:51
Heather Morgan
you're not considered. i don't know if the rest three, six, four are going to that much different. And that's just been my experience.
00:14:01
Heather Morgan
And i think a lot of people just go through the motions and are used to Dealing with it. And that's kind of what it was. And it's weird because when I look back, like I've talked about this before, he was my best friend. I'm not here saying this man was awful. This was the worst marriage ever. i wish him, you know, I wish him nothing but the best.
00:14:28
Heather Morgan
But at one point, you have to be honest with yourself about what you truly want. And I know they say, you know, your word is your bond. You said I do. You said you're going to stay.
00:14:38
Heather Morgan
Like, you didn't listen to that covenant. But what about all the words that were said and the promises that were made in the marriage? does those Do those not matter? Because at some point, they do. Because if you don't have trust in
00:14:54
Heather Morgan
It is going to be a rocky road the entire way. And it's already rocky even when you do have trust because you life is just life and it's a one it's a wild mess and things come up and you're going to have to go through things together. So if you can't even trust them to show up for you the way that you need them to,
00:15:21
Heather Morgan
how are you going to do the rest of your life with that?
00:15:26
Heather Morgan
And I never really understood it. if If I could have told the younger me,
00:15:31
Heather Morgan
do I trust this man in in ways of loyalty? Yes. I think i I put my thoughts that trust was about faithfulness
00:15:42
Heather Morgan
when it came to like, not being like infidelity and things like that. But I didn't really realize that though, trust, can i rely on you? Are you going to show up for me? Are you going to do what you say you're going to do?
00:15:56
Heather Morgan
Because what I felt so loudly is that actions did not ever match words time and time and time again.
00:16:11
Heather Morgan
And I realize that even in my friendships now. I just cannot put myself in positions where I cannot rely on you at all.
00:16:21
Heather Morgan
Because it's it feels heavier than it needs to and it's just... life has enough hurdles than to not be able to trust and depend on someone to show up when they say they will. Like it's one thing things happen. Like, don't get me wrong. It's not like a perfect every time you have to show up, nothing in life can happen. But if the the main consensus is you're not reliable and your word means nothing,
00:16:49
Heather Morgan
what are we doing?
00:16:52
Heather Morgan
there's no safety without trust. And I think a lot of people right now want the word safety, meaning like feel safe and loved in their relationship. That's what most people and humans want as a child, right? You want to know that with your parents, you feel safe, that they love you, that they're going to do what they say, and they're going to provide, take care of you, all those things.
00:17:14
Heather Morgan
And then when you go into a relationship, you want to feel safe with that person. Like if you tell them something, they're going to keep that to themselves. if you All of these things, you you want to feel like they're actually there for you. And it's a partnership.
00:17:32
Heather Morgan
But when you don't trust them, it really makes it hard for the rest of the things to fall into place.
00:17:43
Heather Morgan
And that's where we got. I got to a point where I was like,
00:17:48
Heather Morgan
too much trust is broken.
00:17:50
Heather Morgan
And I don't know how to mend it back. And maybe you have the key to that. I don't know if you do. I know people get over things.
The Decisive Moment of Divorce
00:17:58
Heather Morgan
But I want to tell you that not all marriages are built to last.
00:18:05
Heather Morgan
And only the two people that are inside them know if they are.
00:18:10
Heather Morgan
And i knew that ours was not.
00:18:15
Heather Morgan
I didn't like that I came to that conclusion. I tried to fight it a million times. There was 101 times where I justified why I should stay when in my heart I thought I think I should leave.
00:18:27
Heather Morgan
And no one knew. you know i wasn't This wasn't this back and forth. This was me quietly holding this in my heart, trying to understand, like, what do I do? Because I i do love this man. I think he has a good heart and a good soul, and he means well, and I do. But I just i don't know how to i don't know how to fix it. And i know I learned I couldn't fix another human being. And not that he was broken, but just that I couldn't build the trust back without him being trustworthy.
00:18:59
Heather Morgan
And i can't force someone to begin to be more trustworthy with something they've been telling me for over 12 years would change.
00:19:09
Heather Morgan
So that's really the answer to why and how I left and how I knew. i didn't know in one moment. I knew that day that I told him
00:19:25
Heather Morgan
in our bedroom when he barged in when I was in the shower and without even a plan or thinking about it, I said, I want a divorce.
00:19:37
Heather Morgan
And I never went back on it once. I never wavered. I never changed my mind and I never gave him false hope. Not because I wanted him to be in pain, but because I wanted to make it so clear and not lead him on and not try to linger with it. It would have been so much more easy for me to just play the card that he, cause he wanted to get back together and just play like I was going to do it. So it could have been easier for me, but I never ever wanted to do that because I knew it was the decision I had to make and I had to stick with it.
00:20:13
Heather Morgan
And if I said that, then I'm only, and then I didn't, and I wavered, then it was like, I wasn't trustworthy about it either. And we had already been there.
00:20:24
Heather Morgan
And so what I'm saying that is if you're listening, if you're facing this decision on your own, this is not me telling you to leave. i know in your I know from my own soul that someone in a marriage knows if it's just something they need to work through or if it's time to leave.
00:20:43
Heather Morgan
Whether you're ready to leave is a whole other conversation.
Honesty in Relationships
00:20:48
Heather Morgan
And I don't think you're ever going to feel ready to leave a life you have known, that you have built with someone that you thought would be your life because it's a very, very scary reality to face and it is not taken lightly.
00:21:08
Heather Morgan
But I'm telling you that you you know and you can be honest with yourself.
00:21:14
Heather Morgan
Should I leave? if if If you've asked yourself that, I did say this to a friend the other day, and I'll wrap it up kind of by this, but i would say, and if you were, you could i mean, I'm not a parent, but if you had if you could visualize you having children or if you do have children, and if you are in a relationship that you would not prefer your partner to be your or your child to be in or you wouldn't be excited to express that about to your little you,
00:21:48
Heather Morgan
it might not be the one. Because yes, there's going to be hard times. No, no everything is not going to be perfect. It doesn't have to be. But in your heart, you'll be like, this is where I belong.
00:22:05
Heather Morgan
And if your heart doesn't feel that way, it it will never feel good. You'll always feel like, what am I doing here still? Not because you don't love them, because it just doesn't feel right for you.
00:22:19
Heather Morgan
And that's anything in life that's not meant for you.
00:22:23
Heather Morgan
And I think your life starts changing the moment you stop lying to yourself about what you already know.
00:22:30
Heather Morgan
And for me, that changed everything. Every time I tried to talk myself in to giving it another chance of getting back together during the separation, like, should I, should
Life After Divorce
00:22:39
Heather Morgan
I, should I? Because I didn't, I just wanted my old life back. I think I said I drove to my driveway and thought, I just want my old life back. But then I suddenly flashed back to the times that I would drive home from work and I'd pull in the driveway and he would be home and I would walk up the stairs and I knew as soon as he spoke if he had already drank or not.
00:23:00
Heather Morgan
And I remember just dreading knowing if he had or not.
00:23:07
Heather Morgan
And to come home now when I come home and not to do not to have that feeling on my heart,
00:23:16
Heather Morgan
it's It's not been easy, but that has been amazing, such an amazing weight lifted off to not worry like that every day.
00:23:27
Heather Morgan
So that is my vulnerable and honest truth about how did I know that it was time?
00:23:37
Heather Morgan
I think I was waiting for things that were never going to change to change for a really long time. And there wasn't just one moment.
00:23:46
Heather Morgan
But there was the moment. And I never looked back from there.
00:23:52
Heather Morgan
If there's someone in your life that you think needs to hear this, definitely send it to them. If it's helped you at all, feel at peace or understanding more of what you're going through, i' am so thankful.
00:24:07
Heather Morgan
I would love for you to give the episode five stars so more people can find it. Again, I'm not advocating for divorce or trying to say that people have to be perfect to be loved and to be in a marriage. Just saying that your soul knows what can no longer be tolerated or what you no longer want.
00:24:30
Heather Morgan
to You know you deserve more than. Not because you're so great, just because i think anyone does.
00:24:38
Heather Morgan
I just, I want you to know that you matter. And that's the whole point of how I end every episode with that.
00:24:49
Heather Morgan
Because you do. And your choices are your own. And your life is your own. And not everyone's going to understand them. And that is okay. They were not meant to.
00:24:59
Heather Morgan
Thank you for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.