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Stop Abandoning Yourself to Keep the Peace
19 Plays2 hours ago
Many of us believe we’re being kind… when we’re actually abandoning ourselves.
In this episode, we unpack the subtle ways self-abandonment shows up in everyday life, from saying yes when your body says no, to over-explaining yourself, to staying in relationships that quietly drain your energy.
I'll share personal reflections on people-pleasing, boundaries, and learning that you don’t need to prove you’re a good person by staying in situations that don’t feel good.
This episode is a reminder that choosing yourself isn’t about rejecting others; it’s about no longer rejecting yourself.
If you’ve ever struggled with guilt, overthinking, or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, this conversation will help you start moving through life with more clarity, self-trust, and peace.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Wandering the Wild Mess'
00:00:36
Speaker
Isn't it wild that you feel so bad for abandoning someone when you've been abandoning yourself the whole time? I've been thinking about that a lot lately because I think a lot of us believe that we're being kind when really we're choosing to abandon ourselves.
The Conflict: Kindness vs. Self-Abandonment
00:00:59
Speaker
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here. Guys, we got to talk about this because it's been on my heart and so many us are so many of us are doing this and I know it because we're feeling the weight of trying to do the kind thing and as a fellow people pleaser and wanting to be kind, we're A lot of us now are mixing like what is kind and what self-abandonment and what that all really means. And i had posted something on threads that said, learn to move through life without abandoning yourself.
00:01:47
Speaker
And someone wrote, give the lesson. And I thought, okay, actually, that's a great podcast idea because I feel like people come to me all the time talking about this where they're trying to do the right thing, be a good person. And a lot of times being a good person gets tied up in this idea of abandoning ourselves for others.
Motivations Behind Addressing Self-Abandonment
00:02:10
Speaker
And it feels like a thin line, but I really don't believe it is so much. So I wanted to talk through in this episode with you on how you can really understand is the difference between showing up, being a villager, being there for your friends, being there for the people you care about, and then the other, just self-abandoning to keep the peace and keep things moving with other people in your life that isn't a aligned for you, but you feel this obligated,
00:02:41
Speaker
obligatory place like, hey, I have to do this even though you don't want
Consequences of Self-Abandonment
00:02:46
Speaker
to. So I want to talk a lot little here about what self-abandonment looks like just to kind of set the stage. And I'll tell you, um and recently this has really came up in my life. And I learned that when we stop self-abandoning, we get so much of our power and our energy back when people are like, how do you have so much energy? All the time. And I feel like it's because I try to not allow for the energy leaks, allow for the things that don't make me feel energized to show up in my life anymore. And that does take time to start having those hard conversations, sitting with the uncomfortability of those things. But let's talk about first what self-abandonment looks like.
00:03:32
Speaker
So self-abandonment, and I did it for so many years, is saying yes when your body says no. Meaning like it's it just a no for me, but I'm going to say yes anyways.
00:03:46
Speaker
And we'll get into more of these. Staying in conversations that drain you.
00:03:52
Speaker
There's so many times in our life we already have to do that. Oftentimes it's like at work, you know, on a call him we're like, we don't want to be here. But in those other moments of your life where you can step away, step away, learning to step away.
00:04:06
Speaker
This was a big one for me, over-explaining yourself to be understood.
00:04:12
Speaker
You're self-abandoning. You're like, you're trying to justify your story, your life, your
Defining Self-Abandonment
00:04:18
Speaker
stance. And that's draining your energy because you're trying to make it make sense for people that may never get it It's also keeping access open to people who disrupt your peace.
00:04:29
Speaker
So if when someone's in your life and it just does not feel good in that friendship to have a dialogue with them, that could be in dating someone that's sticking around and you're just letting them linger, but it's like, why? Because when they do come back around, it disrupts your whole peace anyways.
00:04:47
Speaker
but you're still keeping that door open. And it's also feeling responsible for other people's feelings or emotions. So you're like, oh, well, they really need me. And don't get me wrong. There's a difference between showing up for the people that need you and allowing to just be this like
00:05:07
Speaker
energy like sucked out of you every time you interact with someone because it's just not a give and take situation. Those are very different.
00:05:18
Speaker
And there are people that will continue to take and take and take from you if you don't finally draw that boundary and stop self-abandoning and saying, you know what, this dynamic doesn't work for me.
Impact on Self-Worth
00:05:32
Speaker
Self-abandonment really at its core is the moment that you override yourself. You override what feels right to you. So in that uncomfortable scenario, instead of saying, you know what? No, I don't really want that.
00:05:46
Speaker
You're just saying, oh, how will they feel? And the simplest of ways that I would say a perfect example of how this shows up that is that I could explain that you would relate to is it's that moment when you're like at a restaurant and And I used to be a waitress back in my days, so I never would take offense to it if something was wrong. But it's that moment when you get your food out and like something's wrong with it, whether they put it in wrong or you said it wrong or whatever.
00:06:16
Speaker
And it's whether you speak up or not. Because when you don't, it's you're saying what you ordered isn't important because Or more important than just being able to say something to the waitress and like, this isn't what I ordered or I actually wanted this or whatever.
00:06:38
Speaker
You're self-abandoning in that moment when you're like, oh, I'll just deal with it. That's like the perfect example of it. And so many of us do that. And I used to be guilty of that because I was like, well, I was a waitress. but it up But the funny thing is I'd be like, I never was mad if someone kindly was like, oh, hey, this isn't actually what I ordered.
00:06:57
Speaker
I was never upset at them for wanting what they ordered. Like, you know what i mean? And that's really what it is. It is acceptable for you to say, oh, yeah, this is actually not what I ordered. Can I get what I wanted?
00:07:11
Speaker
and that is so many times when we're choosing, we say, oh, we're just being kind. Like what a kind person for doing that. But really it's you saying that what you want isn' it isn't needed, like that you could just settle for what isn't what you want.
00:07:31
Speaker
And you know, if you've listened to the episodes, I talk a lot about how powerful it is in your mind and how your mind kind of like your rest takes note and your words are so powerful. And what you're kind of retelling yourself is that what you desire is not really like you're not really worthy of it. It's not worthy of speaking up for.
Fear and Self-Abandonment
00:07:53
Speaker
It's not worthy of making someone uncomfortable. And I will tell you right now that anyone that has a really big life doing anything that they you know want to do, someone's probably uncomfortable in that whole process. Not everyone's liking it.
00:08:11
Speaker
People are getting upset. like that is The more i grow, the more I learn that that thought that not everyone's going to like you and you're just going have to deal with it and understand it and like not everyone's for everyone, like that is the truth.
00:08:30
Speaker
And the people in your life that you have to say like, this isn't really working for me, if they don't like that and you're just saying your truth, then maybe they're just not the people that are supposed to be in your life. And that's really hard. And so I'll tell you why we don't.
00:08:49
Speaker
speak up for ourselves. Let's like break that down a little. And often why we self-abandon, I guess, is because we have this fear of losing connection. So we are fearing that we're going to lose these people in our life, that friend.
00:09:06
Speaker
If we say something, then they may get offended, be upset at us, and we don't want that. We want to keep that connection. But you have to think about it. If that person is really meant to be in your life, they're not taking offense to your truth.
00:09:21
Speaker
They're not getting upset with that. That person you're dating, if you feel like if I say that, then they won't see me again, that might not be someone you need to see again because conditional. It's conditional.
00:09:41
Speaker
They could maybe dislike what you have to say, but if you're fearing that the connection will be lost if you're in truth, then is the connection even there?
00:09:51
Speaker
Also, we do it because we fear being misunderstood. Oh, if I do it, they'll think I'm mean. They think I'm a bad person. But at the end of the day, if they think that, they don't really see you. And I had to remind myself of that often when I interact with people. If I decide like, oh, this dynamic just doesn't work for me, that doesn't mean I'm a bad person or a bad friend. I have enough friends that know my heart and know my soul to know that that's not who I am.
00:10:20
Speaker
So this person, if they don't know that, that's okay. I have to be okay with that. Going back to we have to be okay with people not liking us.
Roots of Self-Abandonment
00:10:28
Speaker
And a lot of why we also do it is just conditioning from our upbringing, right? So maybe our parents are like, yeah, just do, you know, make sure everyone's happy, like kind of that whole mentality, which I feel like so many of us grew up with.
00:10:41
Speaker
So we're just kind of keeping the peace. And then we also like that label of being a good person. And this came up when I, during my divorce, and I – realized it years later of things that I self-abandoned so much in the name of, well, I was a good person. i ended it good.
00:11:00
Speaker
Yeah, I did But I also gave way more than was necessary away because in the name of being a good person when I could have advocated for myself a lot more.
00:11:15
Speaker
And i think a lot of us are guilty of that. And it ends up, you know, i will give it and take one for the team. But I'm saying over time, that is just not a good feeling because one thing that came up is I was like, oh, you know, it's one thing to do it to me, but little me lost a lot of herself because she didn't raise her hand and say, no, that doesn't work for me.
00:11:45
Speaker
And i think sometimes that need to just show up for other people more than ourselves in how we were growing grown up or how we were taught.
00:11:57
Speaker
I mean, I think most of us were taught that being a good person meant being available for other people all the time.
00:12:10
Speaker
And that's just not always...
00:12:16
Speaker
what we're meant to do. Some people aren't meant to have our access all the time. Some things are not meant to be given just because someone desires, like wants them.
00:12:29
Speaker
We have to learn to say no when no is the answer.
The Role of Self-Love
00:12:32
Speaker
I love that, that I saw something going around like no is ah is a state or is a full sentence. And I think no has been hard for me for a long, long time in the sense of when someone needs something Or if someone's apologizing to me, just take the apology and move forward with it. And I don't really hold grudges, but I have over my life let a lot of people just slide with behaviors that I found un unacceptable because I was like, well, they mean well, they're a good person. but And I gave a lot of like justifications for feeling disrespected
00:13:15
Speaker
And that is self-abandoning because we're saying we'll just feel uncomfortable, feel ways that we don't want to feel just so that the other person can carry on as they are.
00:13:34
Speaker
And I really think that when you have the best, happiest scenario in your life, you're not moving through it and abandoning yourself anymore.
00:13:45
Speaker
You're choosing to just say your piece and be all right with the other person not understanding or thinking whatever they want to think.
00:13:59
Speaker
It's learning that you don't need to prove that you're a good person by staying in situations that don't feel good to you.
00:14:10
Speaker
And i had this come up recently a friendship. And it's so hard when you feel like someone is just really a good person, but there's things that just don't align for you at that moment.
00:14:30
Speaker
And you have to say, like, I'm not going to carry on this closeness and this friendship if it's not making me feel good.
00:14:43
Speaker
And it seems so much easier to just like, why are you making it a big deal? And a lot of people talk about that. Like when you set boundaries, people are like, oh my gosh, you changed. You're so rude. you're dada But I'm like, I know that I'm not.
00:14:58
Speaker
I know that you're not. Because if you're even considering it and battling it back and forth, that's not what someone that just doesn't care about people does. right? You care. That's why you're here. You're like, I don't want to self-abandon myself, but I care about people. So I have been self-abandoning because I thought that's how I show I care about people, but that's not.
00:15:18
Speaker
You can care about people, but if what's happening in reverse, how they're caring for you, how they're making you feel, the environments that you're being put in, if those aren't serving you,
00:15:33
Speaker
then you don't have to you don't owe that loyalty.
00:15:39
Speaker
And that can seem harsh. And if it does, I'm not sorry for once because i know that so many people are in places, have friendships, have relationships, maybe even have marriages where they're tolerating things that are literally –
00:16:03
Speaker
hurting their heart day in and day out. And again, we're choosing it, right? So it's hard to blame the other person. Like i in this friendship scenario, like I have no anger or upset, but I'm just like, this doesn't really work for me right now for this season because I have some big things I want to do in this life and I cannot drain my energy feeling less than I want to.
00:16:33
Speaker
And the feeling of self-abandoning is, to me, the opposite of loving myself. And I've talked about this before too, about self-love is so key in our life. And it is really hard to truly love yourself and abandon yourself at the same time.
00:16:51
Speaker
cause when you love yourself, you're like, and here's me visualizing me as like your but own best friend or your a little self. And in that scenario of you as your little self, you're not going to sit there in a room that makes your little self feel uncomfortable.
00:17:06
Speaker
You're not going to tolerate someone to act disrespectful to little you and then just go, oh, it's fine.
00:17:17
Speaker
No, because that is, you are protecting that. And so when you say, oh, it's fine, that little self is being abandoned. It's like you didn't step up and protect and say, no, we don't want to do that.
00:17:36
Speaker
And that is why you just really need to choose yourself so much more than you do today. if Choosing yourself is not like, oh, you're not cutting everyone off. You're not being cold. It's not about being selfish.
00:17:52
Speaker
It's listening. I like to say your body because when you feel like, oh, this is – I just don't want to do that. And we all know that. Think about those times, those obligated times. Maybe it's that like meeting at work with that person you're like, every time I get in a room with them, it doesn't feel right. Or maybe it's like that family occasion where you get in there and you're like, ah And you just feel it like you don't want to do it. It's not because you're like, i don't care about people. and ah It's just the way you feel in that environment does not feel good.
00:18:25
Speaker
That means you're self-abandoning. And we already have to do that enough. Like I said, sometimes with family, certain family members that we it's a messy dynamic to figure out sometimes more with family how to cut that off. And then same with work.
00:18:39
Speaker
I'm not saying quit your job tomorrow so you don't self-abandon. So there are some times we already have to. So when it's the chosen people in your life, like your friends or your dating or your partners, don't do it. Because you already probably have other areas in your life where you kind of have to do it more.
00:18:57
Speaker
And your body feels and it's like, I hate this.
00:19:03
Speaker
And I don't want you to do that because
00:19:10
Speaker
it's saying that we're going to show up in places that don't make us feel good for other people before ourselves.
Growth and Discomfort
00:19:20
Speaker
Right?
00:19:23
Speaker
And it it almost feels like trying to – when I talk about alignment like and moving through the world, alignment isn't always comfortable because it sometimes you do things you're not as familiar with and it feels uncomfortable because it's new.
00:19:39
Speaker
But it doesn't feel to the body like a forced thing that you're like, oh, I don't want to do this. And that's how you kind of know when you're not moving in alignment, you're like forcing yourself to go to something that you don't want to go because you don't even want them to get upset at you. I did have a friend in the past in my previous life. And I swear if I told that friend, you know, I didn't want to go to something, I felt like it was going to be a whole big issue.
00:20:08
Speaker
And so I would just avoid, i would just go self-abandon so that I didn't have to like get the wrath. And I think about that and I'm like, that's not a friendship. That's like forcing me to abandon myself just for you over and over again. And I know you can probably relate to that.
00:20:32
Speaker
And that is not a day now a healthy dynamic. And you do not have to continue to put yourself in those places. And the hard part about it is that while you're moving through life without abandoning yourself, you're going to likely feel guilty. The guilt I carried for even leaving my marriage, feeling like I abandoned him, wow, was that heavy.
00:21:04
Speaker
But then it finally hit me, and this was recent, like at the three-year mark where I was like, it hit me even more so, like you were abandoning yourself for all those years and you didn't care.
00:21:19
Speaker
You cared more about not abandoning him than you did about yourself. And that the grief of that, it's taken its toll on me and I've had to work through that.
00:21:34
Speaker
Again, it's not even about the marriage. It's just about me making those choices to self-abandon with all of these different relationships in my life and I've slowly had to adjust them all around.
00:21:51
Speaker
And that's even setting boundaries like at work with like my like my hours and my schedule and just being true to my like I'm not abandoning myself anymore. Like do I still show up late or early when I need to? Yes. But am I making it like all the time just so that I can like keep the peace or seem like this or that or look at me, I'm so good? Like no.
00:22:13
Speaker
Because that doesn't make me feel good and that isn't necessary for me. i was just doing it to prove something that didn't need to be proved.
00:22:28
Speaker
I am a good person. You are a good person. I am a good hard worker. i am a good friend. I am a good partner. i mean, well, we're you know, I'll be a partner again one day. and i'm not going to not i'm not going to self-abandon just to prove that Because I already know.
00:22:53
Speaker
And I'm proving it in in other ways. And so i want to remind you that the growth can feel like you're doing something wrong when you're actually just doing something different.
00:23:11
Speaker
Hear
Finding Peace and Alignment
00:23:12
Speaker
that again. Growth can feel like you're doing something wrong when you're actually just doing something different.
00:23:20
Speaker
And when you stop self-abandoning, it will feel different. But it will it will feel uncomfortable, right? like So for example, you you cut off talking to someone. You're like, this isn't really working for me. There's going to be a moment where you're like, ah, did they know why? Do I need to over-explain? Do I need to tell them? did it ah No.
00:23:41
Speaker
But you'll want to because you always have. You've always wanted to explain, oh, i it's this, it's that, it's that. no, no, no, no. no It doesn't, you don't owe everyone this long, detailed explanation. And as a yapper like me, you know, sometimes. But no, it can be as simple as this isn't working for me in this season of my life right now.
00:24:06
Speaker
Wish you the best. We don't have to add this whole long story and narrative and make it a big thing. This isn't about being a bad person like big like big bad person like, i have boundaries. Leave me alone. This is what you did. This is how I feel. You can journal that out, babe.
00:24:25
Speaker
we don't need it We don't need a long text, things like that. We're just choosing ourselves and moving through life without abandoning ourselves.
00:24:38
Speaker
You don't have to force what feels off. I think so often when we know something feels off, we think, okay, but maybe, but maybe. I can tell you from experience that every single time in my life, because I have a lot of time alone with my thoughts, and y'all know this, every single time that something has felt off for me and I have forced it in any way,
00:25:07
Speaker
It has never been meant for me, ever. And we're talking, I can rattle off a list of times. So that will never be wrong. So do not force what feels off because that is self-abandoning. You're abandoning what feels off to you. You're saying your own intuition, your own, the feelings in your body. Your body does not lie.
00:25:30
Speaker
If it feels off, it ain't for you. No need to feel bad. No need to explain. Just move on.
00:25:41
Speaker
So I hope as we're going through this, you're feeling a little bit more all right with moving through the world without abandoning yourself. I want to tell you that you when you don't override yourself, you allow yourself to just step back and just go, you know what? I'm just going to choose peace here. And peace means
00:26:04
Speaker
Not letting what doesn't feel right for me be in my life anymore.
00:26:11
Speaker
It's wild to think about because I did post something not that long ago that said when i left my marriage that you know my ex thought it was about someone else, but it was never about someone else.
00:26:28
Speaker
I didn't want someone else. I wanted peace.
00:26:35
Speaker
And it's very, very hard to find peace while self-abandoning. That's really what's taking your peace. Because peace comes from aligning yourself with the people and the relationships and the things that don't feel forced, that don't feel uncomfortable, that don't feel overwhelming or too much.
00:27:00
Speaker
That's how you know you're moving in alignment.
Reflection and Self-Assessment
00:27:03
Speaker
That's how you know you're not self-abandoning. When it doesn't feel like pressure,
00:27:15
Speaker
it feels like peace.
00:27:19
Speaker
So I'll wrap this up by asking you a question.
00:27:25
Speaker
Where in your life are you staying connected to something that's disconnecting you from yourself?
00:27:38
Speaker
Sit with that for a minute. Maybe journal it out. Where in your life are you staying connected to something that's disconnecting you from yourself? And that could even be a habit that you're just not ready to let go.
00:27:54
Speaker
But choosing yourself becomes an unlock for it to all work out for you. This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. matter.
00:28:05
Speaker
matter