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When He Decides to Leave: What Divorce Really Feels Like | A Woman’s Story
0 Playsin 8 hours
No one prepares you for what it feels like to lose a marriage you never thought would end… when he decides to leave... and it quickly becomes a journey of learning how to let go of the life you built.
This episode is one of the most raw and honest conversations I’ve had on Wandering the Wild Mess.
Leah Wade shares her story of going through two divorces, navigating emotional manipulation, and facing the reality of custody battles that changed her life forever.
What started as a “normal” marriage turned into a complete unraveling, forcing her to confront identity, self-worth, and what it really means to start over.
We talk about:
- What divorce actually feels like (beyond what people see)
- Emotional affairs, manipulation, and losing yourself in a relationship
- The impact of custody battles and co-parenting struggles
- Rebuilding your identity after losing everything
- Why starting over is painful, but necessary
If you’ve ever felt like your life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would… this episode will remind you that you’re not alone—and that there is something on the other side of it.
If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to rate the podcast five stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟. It really helps others find the show and make sure to subscribe, follow, and share it with a friend who needs it!
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Transcript
Introduction to Wandering the Wild Mess
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy that you're here. I have some exciting conversations to be had today, and i want to talk about something we can all relate to, and that's really when you know something is no longer meant for you, you know it's probably not going to work out, you know that things are falling apart, everything's crumbling, but you're just hanging on.
00:00:26
Speaker
as long as you can um to the things that are true that you know. And there becomes a time when it can no longer be your life and you just have to go about it. And i know that we talked about this earlier with Cade. I got some additional perspective from a man on what this really feels like. So if you haven't listened to that episode, make sure to go back.
Introducing Leah Wade: Starting Anew Post-Divorce
00:00:48
Speaker
But today I'm bringing on my first female guest. And we're going to talk more about that starting over a divorce, losing your whole identity that you wrapped up in that person for so many years and what that feels like from someone that has a different point of view and a different experience than I do. And I think it's really important to be able to look at things through everyone's lens. And so I'm bringing on Leah Wade. Welcome, Leah. Thank you. First, I do want to say thank you. Thank you very much for having me. This is so refreshing and nice.
00:01:20
Speaker
She's on and and Leah and I had kind of a similar story like she just moved to Nashville and so it's funny because we talked about Cade after the divorce moving to Nashville. Now you took a little while but you were out here all the time. I was part time since 20 since 2022 and I've been been full time since August.
00:01:38
Speaker
Yeah, so I feel like Nashville is definitely a place to feel like you can kind of start over a little bit. Yeah. um Because I feel like a lot of people here chasing dreams or starting their life over or trying to find something while they're lost in the mess, literally. a lot of lost souls.
00:01:55
Speaker
um So, yeah, so we're going to get into it. Now, i when I met Leah, I knew we were both divorced. And I talked about this when with the episode with Cade. Like when I met meet people that have been divorced in Nashville, there's a handful of us. i am immediately drawn because it's just like somebody else that understands what a difficult process it is, how much of a life quake
Leah's First Divorce: Unexpected Revelations
00:02:18
Speaker
it is. And you and I i knew you were divorced, but I know your story is so much different than mine. So I would love to kind of like, let's take...
00:02:28
Speaker
back to just the beginning of what divorce kind of started you starting over looked like for you the first time. Yeah, unfortunately I've been divorced twice, um which they do pretty much play into each other. I mean, one obviously one wouldn't have happened without the other, but they make sense together. um I never in a million years thought that I would get a divorce ever.
00:02:51
Speaker
Never, never, never. My parents aren't divorced. None of my grandparents got divorced. My family is very traditional on both sides. um I think I have maybe one or two cousins that got divorced. So it like it is just you when you stick, you stick.
00:03:06
Speaker
Um, and so whenever were i was faced with divorce, faced with it, so we can go into that, like faced with it, like how did that whole thing come? Because how long were you with him before? um we were, it was our 10 year anniversary whenever he told me he did not want to be with me anymore.
00:03:26
Speaker
And did that feel, so I talked about writing on the wall, but in that instance, with that, did you looking back? Cause I know sometimes when you're in it, you're like, there was things, but like, did it feel like writing was on the wall or did it feel like out of left field?
00:03:40
Speaker
It still felt like out of left field. I mean, our relationship problems that we had were very normal relationship problems. They weren't anything extraordinary. We had not had any like, if this doesn't change, we're going to have to go separate ways.
Dealing with Betrayal and Therapy
00:03:52
Speaker
um He literally, so he gave me a swing, a porch swing for 10 year anniversary, which I had been asking for a porch swing for, i don't know, like our whole marriage. So you're like 10 years of porch swing, everything's perfect. Well, apparently I didn't have the right reaction.
00:04:09
Speaker
And I wasn't as excited as he wanted me to be. I don't remember if I was or wasn't, I couldn't tell you. um But that ah triggered an anxiety attack for him but where he just started to word vomit.
00:04:21
Speaker
And um I say it was on our 10 year anniversary. our tenure Our anniversary was on February 15th. So this was Valentine's Day. We were leaving the next day for our 10 year anniversary in New Orleans, Louisiana.
00:04:33
Speaker
And um so it was technically the day before. um Anyway, he just started telling me how much he couldn't stand me. And I... We had never fought like this before. Like, of course we had fought. Yeah. But this wasn't normal. Like, this was... Our children were more in the room... In the playroom next door. And he was just saying things that I was...
00:04:52
Speaker
For the first time ever in our marriage, I told him, I said, you have to leave. Like, you have to leave the house because in my mind, I was thinking, OK, he's overwhelmed. He's stressed out. He's dumping it on me. He needs to step away. He needs to clear his mind and come back. and um That's not what ended up happening, but yeah but at the time, that's what I thought. I mean, I was so caught off guard. i was I remember sitting on the couch, and I had my phone in my hand, and I had a group text with my girlfriends, and we were talking about what our husbands had done for us for Valentine's Day, and they knew him really well. We had vacation together and everything, and so I said, y'all, he just told me he can't stand me.
00:05:31
Speaker
Like he and I had to ask him to leave and they were like, what? What are you talking about? Everyone was caught off guard. No one would like I mean, if you I'm not a betting woman, but if I had been a betting woman, I would have bet on divorce was not in my future. um Was I like at that point, you were just like, this is really weird. But like, we're not even at that point, like even. Yeah. Even with him saying I don't want you, it was like he's just having a moment.
00:05:56
Speaker
He's just having a moment like he'll get over it. mean, that's marriage. You go yeah have your bad days. I had no idea what had been hiding in the background and I didn't know for months to come. But um yeah, nobody knew. So you so you're sitting there and you're like, but this is like, you've known this man for over 10 years and you're like, this feels out of left field, but are you thinking like he, was there other things in the background like with his stress levels that would make him just react that way suddenly you thought you were kind of like trying to connect the dots, like maybe he's overworked, maybe this, maybe that. For sure. um We had always owned our own businesses and he had worked for himself and he prided himself in that. And he still was technically working for him himself, but he was learning his dad's business, which was an international business. And so he had to work all hours of the day, which also made it normal for me to be like, oh, he's going to another city in the middle of the night. That's what he has to do for work. Not thinking he could be doing something else. It never crossed my mind. Never.
00:06:57
Speaker
that's I mean, I feel that. I think it's wild when people are just in, you kind of just have this life set. You don't even consider life any different than it's always been. So when did it switch? went So now, the you know, your friends all know, you're like, I don't know, he's just really stressed with work. I had set a couple of like strong boundaries that if he,
00:07:19
Speaker
didn't if he broke these boundaries or if he didn't follow through with certain things that there was no going back one of them was if you tell our kids that you're moving out of the house there's a brokenness that will never be repaired on their end and they don't deserve that they don't deserve for us to have a bad day and they be a part of it so you and i can keep it between us but the moment you brought them into it now now things are serious Um, so at this point you have two boys, right? I did i have two boys. One was 10. One was five at the time.
00:07:52
Speaker
Um, and they didn't know any different either. I mean, like everyone, like ah our friends were still married to each other. We really didn't have any friends that were divorced yet. We got really married young. Most of our friends did too. And so We were kind of in the trend of the front of the divorces. Of course, there were more to follow. Yeah. We were kind of on the trend of the front. You guys set the trend. Well, kind of. We had a few others. but Yeah. um Yeah. I mean, the so the
Struggles and Realizations in Marriage
00:08:18
Speaker
that was one thing. Like, I remember whenever – remember he had a laundry basket, and he, like, put stuff in the laundry basket, and he was going to stay with another friend of ours. And I was like, if you walk out of this house, like, that –
00:08:28
Speaker
and he was perfectly fine with it. So was he just so, it like, it seems like, and I'm making assumptions that he was like, because we haven't talked about this, even though, just so you know, y'all, we haven't went down the deep dive story of it. um But like, were you thinking like, okay, he's just being weird, but like,
00:08:46
Speaker
you didn't, he didn't seem to care anymore? Like, did he ever apologize? Like, he was just checked out. But in the moment, you just didn't think he was checked out, you thought he was stressed? Yeah, I really thought he would get over it. And um i never in a million years thought he would cheat, for sure. And then, um and neither did our friends. but So were your friends, because that's a question people ask, because remember, i like, they go, well, do you think he's cheating? Like, did did they ask that? or did no one even assume that he would? the conversations went like this.
00:09:14
Speaker
Man, he sure is acting like he's cheating, but he would never cheat. Like, no he would never cheat. And he didn't have that kind of a character, would you say? or um well, I mean, i mean, yes, he did. But we had 10 years of just like normal family. Yeah. Like why all of a sudden would that change? And yes, his job had technically changed two years before, but he wasn't like, it wasn't like he had coworkers that he could have been commingling with anything.
00:09:42
Speaker
It was very male dominated. It, ah it just didn't make sense. And we did go to therapy. Okay, so after the blowout around your anniversary, then you're kind of just doing this dance and then you convince him to go to therapy because he feels like he's already checked out. didn't to convince him. He wanted to go.
00:10:00
Speaker
Oh, so you it's kind of like back and forth. Do you think he's trying to figure out if he's really leaving? Nah, he was covering his butt. Because the time my kids were involved, do you think? Money.
00:10:10
Speaker
Ah. Money. We had, it's called a covenant marriage in the state of Louisiana. And if you don't follow certain protocol, there's, there's just like, it's harder for you to actually get a divorce. Ah. But at the time I didn't, again, like fully trusted him. And so I thought, okay, like he, he means this. We were paying a lot of money to a Christian therapist. We were seeing her twice a week. Um, and she told me, she said,
00:10:39
Speaker
I would never condone this. I'm not telling you to do this, but have you ever gone through his phone? And I was like, no, like, why? That's my husband. Like, why would I go through his phone? He ain't got, he doesn't have any friends. They're all our friends. Yeah, exactly. Like, yeah there's nothing, there's nothing that he doesn't, that I don't know. I was very wrong. I was very, very wrong. um But it started to trickle in. At first I found out that he was having an emotional affair with one of my friends and I thought that was it.
00:11:07
Speaker
like i was really thought she Was she in the group text? You know, she wasn't. But it was the same group of girlfriends. She was just a little, like one more step extended. she wasn't in the tight inner circle. But she had borrowed my clothes.
00:11:22
Speaker
More than that. yeah More than close. I tortured that poor girl once I found out. yeah you Because you were so like. I mean, I was so broken. i I was so broken, Heather. Like you didn't mean to. Like you started blaming her because that happens a lot. I didn't blame her. i wanted to know every detail of everything. So you were just torturing her with a million questions.
00:11:42
Speaker
Like how did he reach you out? And then also kind of like putting my grieving on her. um And I felt like she deserved it. Yeah, at that time. I look even at the time as because I was really broken at the time. So you find out about the emotional first and that's just and then you go to the girl. and you When I brought it to his attention, i thought i was really nervous and I was like, I'm about to drop a bomb because I went to her first and I confirmed everything.
00:12:12
Speaker
And she just flat out and admitted it, though. OK, well, that let's give her give her like credit. to There had not been any actual physical cheating at all. It was very emotional. It was very emotional in the sense that it was all day long, every day texting each other and talking. Yeah, full on like type of relationship building. She just in her mind, she was being a good enough friend because she wasn't crossing the line and sleeping with him.
00:12:39
Speaker
That's a whole other thing. Yeah, that's a whole other story. Yeah, the whole thing we can I can't. I've been in. Yeah, no. But I thought this is heavy. So I thought this is it. Like we figured it out. The therapist was right.
00:12:52
Speaker
And so I bring it to his attention and I said, ah you know, i said, i spoke to so and so. And I know what's been going on. And his immediate reaction to me was, oh, my gosh, I can't imagine how stressful that was for her for you to do.
00:13:09
Speaker
And that was another aha moment. So I had an aha moment when he left, but I still was giving him grace. I should have at that moment said, i this marriage is over. because Are you still in love with him at the moment? Is that what it is? Like, when you think back now, because I. No. Did I love him?
00:13:26
Speaker
Wholeheartedly. But was I in love with him? No. So you just didn't want to change your life. Like, is that the part? Like, you were just so scared to, like, change what was?
00:13:37
Speaker
m no no and no and yes yeah so no because i loved my family and i had built something and i built it with him and i saw him as a partner i saw him as my team member yeah um so the feelings of like being in love or um you know the sexual wannabes the butterflies to to me were not necessary
Second Marriage and Its Challenges
00:14:04
Speaker
Yeah, and I feel like for, and because we had your experience is different too, like being a mother and having children, I feel like that does add another level of dynamic where you're like, it's not just you doing what's best for you. It's like, what's best for my family. unit, yeah.
00:14:19
Speaker
And you're all together and you're like, I don't want to break that family unit. Exactly. i never wanted my children to have to be a two weeks on, two weeks off for every other weekend family. Like I actually remember i had one aunt and uncle who split and watching my cousins go back and forth and just being I'll never do that to my children.
00:14:38
Speaker
So I had made a commitment to myself. um The thing is, with relationships, though, is that you can only control yourself. Yes, you cannot control both sides. So this was God telling me, ah ma'am, turn back around and look at yourself because you can't control it all. I wasn't a control freak.
00:14:59
Speaker
But I certainly never considered that he had his own wants and desires and would leave me. No, that, I mean, that hits because- Outside the that we had built.
00:15:10
Speaker
But I think that's a big one. And that's just hitting me, like, cause I, you know, a lot of men listen to the podcast and and that's a moment of like, sometimes women, I know a lot of my friends that have children, they talk about like, they want the man to help support with different things. And there's so much that goes into creating a family and there should definitely be two people parenting. yeah But I think that's something that probably, it kind of makes me sad because- Sometimes you get wrapped up in life and you're like, I didn't realize that there is wants and needs that I wasn't considering in my partnership. I wanted to keep this family unit and I'm focusing on the children and doing that right. But maybe this is following away with the partnership. You're 100% right. And whenever he brought originally to me that he was ah so unhappy, um,
00:15:56
Speaker
I had to, this was, I was 32 at the time. I had, at 30, decided to start knocking some things off my own bucket list because it had always kind of been about his miss businesses, his hobbies, and me raising babies and supporting him. um I took a trip to South Beach for my 30th birthday with some girlfriends, and I decided to enter a bodybuilding contest.
00:16:15
Speaker
I have seen that. You crushed that. Well, amazing I didn't at first. I got last place. My first show, I got dead last. Well, the pictures I've seen, yeah did amazing. He... told me when he said that he hated me, that he was very resentful of the time that I spent with preparing for bodybuilding, which it is a full-time gig. We did own gyms, by the way,
Post-Divorce Challenges During COVID
00:16:36
Speaker
so it did make sense with our lifestyle. But I was prepping for nationals to get my pro card at the time. I dropped everything.
00:16:43
Speaker
Everything dropped the moment because in my mind, exactly what you just said is what I thought. I need to reprioritize, show this man that he is as as important as he is to me because I haven't been showing it and we'll be OK. like We'll be fine.
00:16:59
Speaker
Again, you can't control the other person. So I had no idea that all the things he had hidden and that had been going on for a long time. But I only knew what I knew. And so I was trying to be the best partner that I could be. Um, long story short, the therapist ended up firing us. She said, I'm not, and this went over, let's see, she's like february February to, I moved out of the house, I think in September or October, i think October.
00:17:28
Speaker
So from that time period, it was just like survivor, survivor mode, like to the, I don't even know how to, I wasn't eating. I was literally just getting my kids up, getting them ready for, like I was taking care of them, nothing for myself and trying to save my marriage. That was my whole life.
00:17:47
Speaker
So what were you doing to try to save the marriage? So he's... checked out, you know that kind of, but you're like, I gotta to say that it's almost survival mode this is my family, this is my unit. How do I keep it all intact? That's exactly what I was doing. And it was just whatever, i mean, were we were in therapy at the time. And so it was just whatever she suggested, whatever she said, um he still was not living at home. um He didn't mind having physical contact with me though, during the separation. So did you think that would kind of maybe bring it back together? Because that's totally different from my experience. Because I was just like, we were, that was just not, we never did the back and forth. and and But I hear from a lot of like women and and they were still, there's still that back and forth. There really wasn't back and forth. There was, I don't think he ever intended on getting back with me, but he wanted to have sex with me.
00:18:34
Speaker
um And he, what I learned, there was a lot that I learned, but what I learned on the back end is that
Family Dynamics and Personal Growth
00:18:42
Speaker
There was no love for me. I don't know how long there hadn't been love for me, but there was no love for me. And so the intimacy, if you want to call it intimacy, the intimacy that was had during the time was he was baiting me for some other things that he had going on in his life. um Or he was using me as bait for other things in his life.
00:18:59
Speaker
So if you feel like looking back, it was like a whole mean manipulation play. ah that Completely manipulated me. Completely. And what he what he wanted is he wanted to break me so far down that then the secrets and the lies that did come out that he had been hiding, I was a lunatic. And I was crazy. Like, look at her. She's suicidal.
00:19:19
Speaker
Y'all really... So did you feel that? where you Did you get to points where you felt that low? I never wanted to kill myself. That's good. But i I don't know how to explain it. It was like living in la-la land. Like my head was never attached to my body during that time. I definitely, really I relate to that because I think that's a key thing. And even when we and Kay talked about it, like so many people don't realize like there's no way to explain going through a divorce. I made decisions during that time that Leah would never make. Same. He had requests, like sexual requests during,
00:19:56
Speaker
during that time that were way outside of my moral standard. And I said, okay, fine. So you really thought that Leah at the time thought, this is what I do to save my marriage. I just yes put, put all my cards on the table, whatever. Yeah. And you kind of thought now looking back, you realize it was more just kind of manipulating the situation, but in the moment you felt like it really had a shot at making it better. i don't,
00:20:22
Speaker
I don't know if I really thought i was gonna make it better. um i think some of it, I'm gonna go ahead and be really honest, I'm gonna say, I think some of it was me, it was a guilt thing for me. Like, I haven't been a good enough wife over the last 10 years. let me Let me give back to you what you feel like I had taken from you.
00:20:41
Speaker
No, that one really hits and I think that's a big piece and now I see it on both sides, right? Like, because I had that hit and that about I more, it was less about those kinds of things but more about like, okay,
Dating After Divorce
00:20:54
Speaker
just take whatever you want, kind of making him really cushy with financially, you know, i know like more set for him, right? Because I felt guilty that I was leaving. Yeah, I didn't ask anything the divorce. You move that way because you feel guilty, like we self-abandon in those moments. 100, Self-abandon is the perfect description because I self-abandoned myself in every way possible, in every way possible. And so when the therapist said, I'm done with y'all at the time, and this is embarrassing, but very true. Like at the time I was so incredibly angry with her um because she turned to him.
00:21:31
Speaker
yeah i Like I remember she walked to the room. He had his let he had his head in my lap and she walked in and she sat down. She said, it's said I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore with y'all. And I went, excuse me?
00:21:42
Speaker
And she goes, that's it. She said, I want him to not see you or speak to you for two weeks and you will let him take the boys. because I had not let him take, like the boys had stayed with me the whole time. She said, you will let him take the boys for the weekend.
00:21:55
Speaker
And I said, you are not going to control my life. You are not going to dictate what happens in my marriage. And she goes, oh, yes, I am. And I stood up and I threw pillows at her. Like I threw pillows off the couch at her. I was so mad and I was sobbing crying because I knew that if he had that two weeks away from me, i would never be able to get my family back. Um,
00:22:17
Speaker
And she also required that I be there at 7 a.m. m every morning. I think she thought I was suicidal. I actually wasn't, but I could understand. i was down to like 102 pounds. Like I could totally understand where somebody on the outside looking in would think it. I wasn't functioning like a normal person at all. um But and she knew i i was very honest with the therapist about all the weird sexual stuff he had requested and He put me in some very um unsafe situations.
00:22:45
Speaker
ah So that was another aha moment for me. it This was all a um a series of acceptance.
Embracing Self-Worth and Identity
00:22:53
Speaker
You were just, and that, yeah. and we shared, you shared that one piece about that woman that was talking about why did you finally let go? Right? And it is like those little things and then tell, and tell something really big that they haven't already prepped you for, or you haven't already prepped for. And this isn't even just a manipulation, distance this is just in life. Like as little things happen, you kind of accept more and more. And that's why boundaries, you really can't be flexible with them. I would have never said I was in an abusive relationship until I was out of it.
00:23:24
Speaker
ah never considered. i In fact, people came to us for advice, like marriage advice. yeah Well, and I think that's, i mean, me and my i i me and my ex-husband didn't have that level over like of a bad relationship, but i definitely people thought we were the golden children. So I think it goes back to, not golden children, but like a good example of a marriage, you know, best friends, which we were in a lot of ways, you know. But I do think that kind of just goes to show that you really don't know what's happening.
00:23:51
Speaker
And you didn't, you had your rose-colored glasses on. Oh, so much. So like it didn't didn't matter how big, I think a big boom wasn't gonna actually Burst my bubble. It was the little things that burst my bubble and made me have to accept that he was really leaving me because the big one, like I said, I was like, oh, he's just having a moment. He'll be OK.
00:24:14
Speaker
But the little stuff proved to me he does not love you. Him not being protective, him leaving the book like him, you know, leaving the boys. When I said, if you do this, like it's going to do X, Y and Z. um And then there were like your your stereotypical abusive relationship issue things that happened, like the cheating and stuff like that. But that's not, those are not the things that defined my moments actually.
00:24:41
Speaker
Which is crazy because it's, you look at it now and you're like, ah ah why did you even want to stay? You know what i mean? And sometimes I know people ask women that. It's not it's an identity. Not victim change, but yeah, it's the identity. like My whole identity was being his wife and those boys' mom.
00:24:56
Speaker
And that's why people stay in things that they know aren't meant for them. It's like you've wrapped. And I realize even in my own shift is nothing is harder to change than the grip you have on your identity. When you believe something's true about yourself, you're like, no, I'm not letting it go because it feels like it's you. Even if the surrounding things are not, and they're killing you slowly, literally. Well, I am. I know it was a I've always had a pride issue and I'm quite stubborn, but I know it was a pride thing for me that it in subconsciously I was I built this.
00:25:31
Speaker
I built who I am. i built these boys like we I helped build this life. I deserve to get to continue to be a part of it. That is so incredibly wrong. And I tell everyone that I do kind of tell my story to. um I am so so much better of a person because it's happened to
Transformation Through Adversity
00:25:50
Speaker
me.
00:25:50
Speaker
I would be sitting in a fancy living room somewhere right now bragging about my drapes and what car I was driving if he had not burst my bubble. So... I don't know why did it have to be so traumatic? I don't know. I'll talk to God about that later. Yeah, but um I am so thankful that it brought me back to who I really am.
00:26:09
Speaker
Yeah, and I think that's a I think that's a key piece. And it's crazy when you tell your story. I think about my ex has been saying the same thing because when I left and I wrote because I really felt like not that he didn't love me, but that the the anger that he had towards me for leaving was more about my disruption of our life and the life we built than it really was about no but me. you know like Not that he didn't, you know but it's it's really a lot less about the other person. And this is even breakups, but truly in a divorce, it's, I think, a lot less about the other person and more so just about the life that you've built with them and just the routine. like Everything has to go. Completely. And you couldn't have convinced me at the time that I was doing anything wrong. um
00:26:55
Speaker
The man was not good to me. He did some terrible things to me. But at the same time, I wasn't loving him the way that he deserved to be loved. Was he as a man doing things to lead me in the right direction or to cultivate or build the intimacy? No, he wasn't. But we're not like who? That's not what we're here for. I am here sitting here today.
00:27:15
Speaker
a much better person because of it. Yes, I did end up getting married again. That was because... Yeah, so how does that jump happen? Because i like he because he is a terrible ex-husband. And we ended up in such bad custody battles. And I learned how terrible the family court system really is.
00:27:30
Speaker
um They are not there for your children. But I was told by a crappy attorney that only one I could afford... It literally was like out of a movie. had like paper stacked up on the floor. And I'm like, like here we are. je I write him doesn't bounce. But um he told me, he said, if I had a boyfriend at the time.
00:27:48
Speaker
And he had just bought a house and like he was he kind of looks he wasn't stable, but he looks stable on paper. Yeah. And he was like, why don't you marry the guy? and I was like, because I don't want to get married for the wrong reasons. And he goes, well, i'm gonna tell you right now when you show up to court, they're gonna see him because he oh my my ex got remarried right, right, right away. Like I barely moved. Was it the emotional affair? girl No, it was another girl. i was a CrossFit girl.
00:28:09
Speaker
um And she is his third wife. I was his second wife. But he um he said, he goes, they look really stable. And the court only cares about the financial stability because they want to make sure that those children don't end up in the system and the government's not paying for those children. So um either you marry the guy you're with or just know you're going to probably lose some of your custody because the guy's coming after you. Like he's come in and you're going you're not having money to fight him. So anyway, that's how I ended up I paid for the, i so I say I paid for the wedding. I paid for the divorce. Um,
00:28:43
Speaker
And, you know, I told him to. Wait, so the boyfriend just went along with it, though? Like, hold on to here. He wanted to get married. Had he been married before? No, he was young and he was dumb. He was just like, sure, you want to you want to get custody of your kids? Let's get married. I think for him, he was at that point in his life where I think he was like 27 or so at the time.
00:29:02
Speaker
don't remember. how Yeah, something like that. Anyway, um I think he was at that point in his life where he just thought, I'm supposed to get married now. a lot Also, he really liked the idea of splitting bills. Like it would make his life a lot better if he didn't have to pay his $800 carno by himself. So he's like, so if I do this, then you're paying half the bills. He had already asked me to marry him. I just didn't intend on actually marrying him.
00:29:27
Speaker
I mean, not laughing for the poor guy. no. So him and I have a great relationship, all the way. okay. That's good. So it didn't work out, but it worked out. It didn't. And he stayed blocked and out of my life for years. And so it took him going to therapy and having his own thing and reaching out to me that we rebuilt a friendship. um It's a very respectful, there's boundaries there. Like we don't talk every day. We like nothing like that. yeah But I'm on good terms with his family and all of the above. um I told him though, I never, because He had a little bit of a gambling and like drinking problem. And um I told him, I said, I'm not leaving you just because of that. Like I'm leaving you because I married you for the wrong reasons. And you deserve to have the love that I'm looking for also. So um like how long was that?
00:30:09
Speaker
the way The marriage? yeah We were together from 20. when tea Well, yeah. Our first date was in November 2014, and I filed for divorce February 2020. So we were together, you know, quite a while. But we were married we got married in 2017.
00:30:26
Speaker
Yeah, 2017. And what did you feel like was different about that second marriage? Like, did you just feel like you knew from the get-go it wasn't like a long-term play? He wasn't mature enough.
00:30:38
Speaker
he yeah To be a stepfather and to be a husband, he hadnt he had... I basically mothered him. um He didn't have a father figure. His dad had been in and out of prison his whole life. His dad was in prison when I met him. And um and his mom was um very selfish. so um And not a good example. She had had full relationships with married men that her son knew about. So they're just he didn't have a good example of what family and relationships and marriage looked like. And so he...
00:31:10
Speaker
i was I was expecting a lot from him at that age with the late little of a life experience in that department to be able to step up and do it all. um So he wasn't really set up for success already. And then you were like, so it was, you were doing the best you could. But did you feel like it felt different? Because I'm asking because I haven't been remarried. So I'm like, and obviously I don't want to do it three times. i No, I don't either. I don't want to do it three times either. It does weird me out. Like I'm divorced twice now. I cannot like,
00:31:39
Speaker
I'm okay with not ever getting legally married again. Okay. Because I'm not going have more children. And so I could have a partner for life and be fine with it being that way. But in the second marriage, because that's what I'm thinking, like for me, I i would just want the second to be the final. Like were you hesitant to get a divorce again? at all.
00:31:57
Speaker
No, I had a completely different outlook on it. It was I'm not wasting another minute of my life on something I know isn't right. I've heard that from people that are like – the divorce goes up, know, the more marriages you have because, and I think it's for that reason. Yeah, like the third, it's 80%. Well, and I could see that not because...
00:32:15
Speaker
Well, I think it's mostly because the first one, you're so tied to the identity. You're so afraid. You have no idea what's going to be like. And even going through it, I see, i have, you know, couples that I know that are hanging on by a thread and literally what's keeping them there is either the family, the family unit or just the, you know, financial thing. There's so many reasons that aren't really tied to we're want to make this marriage work. I will say. once you do it, you're like,
00:32:43
Speaker
I guess he go filed for for divorce from him. Well, I told him at Christmas time, if he went back to the casino again, ah that I wasn't. and he And he wouldn't go to therapy with me, that I wasn't going to continue the marriage. and And he did that. He went back to the casino again and he said, I don't need therapy. You can need therapy, but don't need therapy. That's what he did.
00:33:04
Speaker
And so I didn't, I really didn't want to leave. Like I wanted it to work. Yeah. But I knew. But you knew. It wasn't going to work. It wasn't, yeah. And um so I came back.
00:33:16
Speaker
i had it I remember I had a trip in New York. And when I came back, I told my bosses because it was a work trip. And I was like, I'm going to file whenever I get home. And there were already people in the airport in New York with the hazmat suits on because it was February 2020. Yeah.
00:33:31
Speaker
If I had not left him when I did, i probably would still be with him right now because financially, I don't think that I would have been confident enough to, cause I lost my job during COVID. Um, I was able to talk my tail for the first time. Cause I didn't do it in my first, my first divorce. I did not tuck my tail. I did not let my parents step in and help me financially. My grandmother offered me money for an attorney and then I paid her back.
00:33:58
Speaker
Um, so, I decided with the second, Leah, let's be smart. You know, you've already lived half your life. Like, don't waste any more time. So I told my parents, I said, I need to leave him. And will y'all help me? um If I had not done that, I'd have been stuck star stuck. I mean, or at least wasted more time until things settled down again. Right. Like, well, and my boys were watching an unhealthy relationship.
00:34:22
Speaker
Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. It wasn't traumatic, but it wasn't healthy. Yeah. And they were they were coming into their, you know, um teenage years and getting older. And it was, that's their formative years whenever they learn how to treat women. And I was not going to be any more any more of a bad example than I already had been.
00:34:43
Speaker
Yeah, which I think that's fair. So now you leave the second marriage and this is 2020 and you're like, okay, what am I doing? and But you still have back and forth going because you have right? Well, when I left the office, I felt great. oh You're like, oh. Well, no, because I was like, I have a great job. And then I was able to buy a home and I did it all before COVID happened. So like all these great things were happening. I was like, finally, I'm like getting my feet underneath me, like finally. And then COVID happened.
00:35:10
Speaker
And I lost my job. And until I moved here. So how many years is that? Like almost six years, yeah five and a half years. I had not found a good job again.
00:35:21
Speaker
One that I could actually like pay the bills with. Yeah. Um, so it really was very crappy that I lost that job, but, um, yeah, I felt really good about everything and then it all crumbled. And, um,
00:35:34
Speaker
It got really bad there for a minute. It got really bad. And I, like I said, the ex-husband has kept me in and out of custody court over all the years. um When COVID happened, he did it again. And the oldest son, and I don't ever talk about this. I think I'm kind of actually being really vulnerable right now. But the oldest son had decided he didn't want to be with me anymore.
00:35:57
Speaker
But dad and I don't co-parent at all. I'm not allowed to text him, not allowed to call him. wait We can't like if I if Let's say there's a school function. um If they're on his time and I show up to the school function, nobody speaks to me.
00:36:11
Speaker
um that don' It's almost like being dead and like overlooking like your life playing out in front of you, but you're not there. So when son decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore, that meant I really was losing him. like it wasn't It wasn't like, oh, well, he just won't sleep at my house.
00:36:30
Speaker
No, he hasn't spoke to me in six years. Oh, my gosh. So and but I I was faced with lose both of them legally or agree that the older one didn't have to come to my house anymore. And so I settled and I agreed and I have an amazing relationship with my younger son. say it looks like you and your younger son. Yeah, we have. a great And the funny thing is, is that he's more like his dad and the older one is more like me, like personality wise. hmm. And i actually really enjoy because dad yeah screwed me over pretty good. But I actually really enjoy seeing the parts of dad that I liked, like the parts of him that I did fall in love with. I see it in my son and I'm like, wow.
00:37:14
Speaker
that's really cool. And I pointed out to it. Yeah. It reminds you of like why, because you still have your boys out of it. Right. And I feel like that's like two, two beautiful things happen like your boys, but then also you became a better human and a mother. And I'm, I'm praying for you that your oldest son, like, I know that must be so hard. It's the worst. Yeah. It's the worst thing ever. And everyone,
00:37:37
Speaker
Anyone and everyone always said they're like, oh, well, you know, one day one day he'll wake up and he'll realize and, you know, maybe so. I've still lost ah all this time and like him growing. More importantly, I really worry about his relationships with women.
00:37:49
Speaker
I know he has a heart like mine, like I genuine like his innerness is more like me. Um, but he holds everything in And so I worry how that translates.
00:38:01
Speaker
He's in, he's 21. He's in college. I was 21 whenever I got pregnant with him. So in my head, I have to tell myself, he thinks he's as adult as you thought you were when you started this family. So how is he, how's he doing it without mom? Those are the things that bother me.
00:38:18
Speaker
Those are the things that bother me. Um, But yeah, like I said, I have a great relationship relationship with my younger son. And and that's and so what about your ex first ex-husband now? Like, do is it still just he remarried and then it's just been back and forth? so new ah So she's not new wife, obviously. She's actually been his wife longer than I was at this point. But um she's never i think we've had one conversation oh wow over all the years. Yeah, like she will not speak to me. She will not look at me. She...
00:38:49
Speaker
hates me. ah She thinks I'm this horrible person. i have no idea. i mean, I can sit here and speculate on what kind of narrative he's told her or whatever, but, um, boy, I tell you, she doesn't have any of her own children and they didn't have any children together. He got a vasectomy after they were dating, but, um, yeah, so her, she's told my children, like y'all are the children that God intended for me.
00:39:14
Speaker
So that probably isn't your ideal Somebody who's had biological children understands why that is not cool. um So I try to put myself in her shoes that she doesn't have biological children, so she doesn't get it.
00:39:32
Speaker
And I'm thankful, and I've told her this. I mean, i don't know. I've never had biological children. that I can't imagine just trying to take over the role. She 100% but i But I do know some people that, experience like the children feel that way. And I'm not saying that's your case, but you know what i mean? But I don't think it's the the the woman to come in and say it. But I mean, I do know people that I've been raised by, people that weren't their bio that feel that way about their... Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? For sure. But I feel like it's up to the child that... Yeah, and my children were were and still are, you know quite attached to her.
00:40:08
Speaker
you know, i that's great. It's great. Yeah, but don't try to take... The older son has always been very ah attached to her, um which is interesting because he, you know, didn't want to have a relationship with me anymore. But, yeah, um to answer your question about where we are now, yeah the same exact place we were in 2014, he will not speak to me. I he sued last year.
00:40:31
Speaker
I mean, ah he sued me last year i mean it's just one thing after another. ah That is the ongoing thing, like that where things just come up and we don't even, me and my ex don't even have kids and like we got audited. Like, you know what mean? It's like just stuff and I'm just like from years ago, I was like, oh my gosh, you know, and I haven't even talked to the man in over three years. And so it's just weird that you think your divorce is over and then things like continue to come up even when you don't have kids, but with kids, I feel like you probably. Well, and I i learned a lot when I got divorced. I learned that I didn't know a lot. um I lost all of my businesses because I wasn't named on the LLCs. So I.
00:41:13
Speaker
um so i and Although I didn't really want to fight for them anyway, um it would have been nice to have been able to keep one of my gems as, like, my income for my family. I had to completely start over because I had no education.
00:41:28
Speaker
I had been married and started babies at 21, and we were entrepreneurs. Like, didn't. I had to start over completely at 32 years old with no education in this day and age.
00:41:42
Speaker
And I probably was pretty emotionally immature at the time, too, because i i would say I had gotten a little stunted getting married and having kids so young. Oh, yeah. I definitely feel like you kind of go back because when you talked about like you do things you wouldn't even know. I mean, me moving out to Nashville, I feel like you remember because you were going out. You didn't move here yet or live here yet. But like I was like going out. i laugh about the crew we had at the beginning, but I feel like I was going out like three to four nights a week. And I'm all I don't even know how I was doing that. Like I i know how you afforded it. Yeah.
00:42:17
Speaker
Gosh, I mean, yeah. It was just a lot. Like, I feel like I don't even know how I know. Truly, because Nashville is like, but I don't know. It's like, who was that person? Especially now that I've like really like done the inner work and started healing myself. But when you're in that initial shock of like, what am I doing with my life? You're just like doing these random like you're like, how did I even do that? Why was I doing that? Why was I? Well, you know, they have the post post divorce ho thing, which I know you well enough to know that she did not participate in that.
00:42:49
Speaker
I did some sleepovers. I did participate but um because all of a sudden I found my lady parts again. You're like, this is a new world. i never I'm just living in this whole. No, it is a whole new experience. Like because i had really only I met my husband at 21. So same thing. We just didn't like do the baby thing right out. But so I really was in that area. Like I i really hadn't, you know,
00:43:15
Speaker
experience a ton of other men, you know, ever. So it was definitely even just when I mean experience too, it's just even being around them in in a way that could be intimate at all. I had been so used to um not like, let's put put it simple, not making eyecon eye contact with another male. So I always kept myself like in a box when I was married, like, okay, we're not gonna We're not going to put ourselves in a bad situation. So don't, you know, don't look, don't do that. Also, social media didn't exist whenever I got married. yeah And then I got divorced in a social media world. And you got remember, I was coming out of the whole bodybuilding phase too. So I had actually, like, I was like influencing.
00:43:57
Speaker
With your bodybuilder, yeah. I was like old school influencing. And so all of a sudden, I was getting attention I had never That is about because I think about that and you don't realize like men giving you attention. And when I moved to Nashville, I would sit at the bar alone a lot. And then you get like men paying for your meals and all that. And I was like, what the heck? Because I did give eye contact to men, but they were all like I friend zoned so so many people. about Because had a lot of male friends, like my ex-husband and his friends were like my best friends. So I'm just like, hey, yeah, yeah. And you know some of the guys that are like, I just immediately friend zone a guy because I'd just been a wife. So I was like, yeah, you're my homie. I don't even think about it. Like, you're I don't even think about it like that. You know what mean? So it's been like, that was weird at the beginning. And I still find myself doing that. And it's probably because it's safer, you know, young or friend zone. Well, you're going to go right into wife mode when you meet a guy, which you cannot do. That has been a thing. That's why I talked about like at the beginning, I just, I really haven't dated. So let's talk about that because I really...
00:45:00
Speaker
when you go from being married, when like the apps were a thing, people were DM, no one was DMing you. I had a private social media account, you know, like with people, I all knew all of them. No one was DMing me. um No one, i wasn't on an app. And then you go into this world where like, I'm supposed to sit on a dating app. Like I know a lot of girls that I met out here are much better at that, but I haven't, you're being someone like me married and then you just jumped on him like how was that for you to like get back on the apps and like do that again i did not wait to oh i did do at tinder was big whenever i first got divorced and this is before the second marriage when yeah oh yeah yeah definitely but um but tinder was not my problem and i don't i didn't i don't think i went on any tinder dates It was Facebook DMs that were my problem. And that is how I met my second husband.
00:45:46
Speaker
My second husband. DMs, people. Yeah, facebook and Facebook. Well, Facebook dating is probably, if you're, if, and I am not a dating app person, yeah if you were going to do it, I feel like it is little bit heard that. I've heard that, but I haven't done it. It just seems a little bit more realistic um and not so like,
00:46:03
Speaker
But... Wait, what does ck mean? Like cat throat? Like cat throat? The men. at Oh. The men that are like, you didn't answer fast enough. And I'm like, well I'm sorry. I have a job.
00:46:15
Speaker
Wow. i That is funny because my friend, you know, probably my friend Kelsey, she's taught... We're going out tonight and she's like trying to convince me. let Just let me show you who's on Hinge. don't. Why do they why have other women want women on there? Like, I'm like, I can just see from your perspective. does My theory... and Go ahead and hate me for this. But my theory with men on dating apps are that they're they're beta males.
00:46:40
Speaker
They just want to control? like they want They're okay with the woman controlling them. Oh, I see. and i And that's not what I'm looking for. Yeah, i don't I don't want that either. I want a man not only that can build a fire, but I want a man that can build a fire. Yeah.
00:46:56
Speaker
So um I don't and ah the women but it's it's just the same way with the women like the women typically are very like controlling women. They're like I have a timeline. We're going to this this this and this and the men kind of just fall into place majority. That's obviously yeah not there's obviously exclusions. Yeah.
00:47:13
Speaker
I have a date tonight with a guy I met on Facebook dating and he's maybe an exclusion. I don't know. Really? I'm excited about this. He's a meathead, but. That's all right. you were You did all that. You're perfect yeah scenario. You could get back in, do a new competition. No. youre no No, we're done with that part of our life. We're done with not having cheese ever again. Okay, yeah, that's fair. That's fair. And so with dating, like do you feel like once you got divorced, do you feel like were you just dating for fun? Because when I think about it, oh I don't know that I would. like I never really dated for fun. I just had.
00:47:47
Speaker
had fun. didn't, I didn't really care to date at all at first. I just wanted to romp. Okay. And, um, and I was enjoying romping. And in that time I had a couple of guys in love with um But I think it was because I was such a wife.
00:48:03
Speaker
I think, yeah, I think there's two things about this and I could see this because I've kind of gotten this before. Like i some guys kind of fall in love. and I don't think they say it, but no, you know, but you know, yeah, you know, they get very attached. Yeah. Like if you wanted to be in that relationship, they'd be like, yeah, yeah. um I think it's two things. One, you have been a wife, so you kind of go into that like wife mode and they can feel it because it's like very nurturing and just like loving and they can kind of see that. And then I think the other thing is the detachment piece. So when you're in that romp phase, you're just thinking about that. Compartmentalizing. You're not making them have anything to be afraid of because you're not acting like you want to lock them in. Right. Because a lot of men will run from feeling the pressure of the lock-in. The dating app girl. Mm-hmm. called the dating app no and that's what i that was a whole other episode of just talking about how i i've told so many of my friends like who cares like when they like texting the guy like well why didn't it work why didn't you like you went on one date with him who cares what he thinks are you going to change your personality over it i went on a date last saturday night with a guy who looked just like ben stiller and he's
00:49:09
Speaker
I swear to you. He had on a bad tweed sport coat and I think the same shoes my principal in high school wore. And I and he ghosted me afterwards. And I was like cleaning my kitchen a couple of days ago. And I thought to myself, man, I got ghosted by a Ben Stiller look like in a tweed jacket. That should bother me. I don't care. Yeah, I don't care. We were not a good fit. Yeah. And it's like he's saving time, you know? It's just like it's not going you know, be a thing. i I know that's another thing and we're kind of going off into the dating land, but that's fine. um But I think that's another thing. And this ties into just life. Yeah. So many people are like, well, you need to have this conversation and tell them like you are not interested and it makes it this big thing I'm like, I was with a man for over 15 years of my life. And I did all that. Like someone that had one day of my time, I'm not giving him a whole notebook like ending. I'm glad you said that. and you know i just told a friend yesterday.
00:50:04
Speaker
One thing that I've learned and it's taken me all this time to learn is that not everyone deserves my story. Yeah. Not everyone deserves that vulnerability, that grit, that honest, because my story is like such a part of who I've become. But if you haven't earned that, you're just going to say I'm crazy.
00:50:26
Speaker
And so you got to learn who deserves it and who doesn't. And no, you do not need to have that conversation. It makes you weird. Yeah, I i think so. I think so. I mean, I know people think it's like a respecting for for me. It's like, I don't know. It tells me enough. It's just like if I was to text you like, hey, do you want to go out tonight? And you never wrote me back. I'm like, I guess she doesn't. Exactly. like That's the answer. The best attitude to have is like six hours later, be like, I never heard from her. like Yeah. like ah And I feel like you build that, especially i was a kind of already that person, but especially after you get divorced, because you're like,
00:50:57
Speaker
things just seem for me, I guess a little, like I'm not gonna force anything in my life again. i can look back at my marriage and see areas where I was just trying to force things to work and be a certain way and they were never gonna be that way. yeah Because like you said, it takes two people. And that was a lot of wasted time and energy that I'm just not going to do again. Like if it's not that you don't want to put in the work. But again, it's two people and it will never give you what you want. If you're the one like pushing the rock up the mountain alone at some point, like you need both people. Yeah. Strength. And if it's just you let the rock roll. Just let it go. Against popular opinion, um I've actually been able to, over the years, have a couple of actual true friends with benefits because of that. Because I knew that there wasn't any like real compatibility, um that it would be like trying to put you know a round peg in a square hole. um
00:51:56
Speaker
But we liked each other, we're friends, and the chemistry was there, and it was somebody I trusted and it was safe. um But ah before that actually happened or before I got to that point in my life, I would say there that's not possible. Like somebody wants somebody.
00:52:12
Speaker
Oh, i see, i I don't know. i never even... The idea of it sounds great because I used to say like, oh, I would just want someone that wants to come to my house, cook with me, you know, have a sleepover. That's hard to find. Yeah. They will come over and do the duty and leave. And then you can truly be friends with benefits and you can hang out in group settings and stuff. But to ask a man to come and like do husband or boyfriend stuff and not like, no, it ain't gonna happen.
00:52:40
Speaker
Well, i never asked. I mean, i I had the times where it was like that, you know, I'm not, not going, doing the duty thing, but just doing the pretending that we're just, are different yeah, just, we were just, you know, hanging out and it was like the best, but I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. Cause I wasn't ready to like get in a relationship, but it was like, man that really like and that's probably why i didn't do the duty it's just because i didn't want to get my feelings so wrapped up into them because they were already there it was like someone that i could see something with but life seasons were completely different so i think that some of the trauma that came out of my first marriage is that i'm able to compartmentalize sex so easily
00:53:19
Speaker
and unfortunate Unfortunately. Yeah. For me, it's like now. Instead of it feeling, because the way that the way that you feel is the correct way. Like you should feel more attached to someone and that be like, hey, I'm not going to have that with them because then I'm putting something where it doesn't belong.
00:53:34
Speaker
Like, you know, but for me, like the trauma that I had, the sexual trauma that I had coming out of that, um I had to learn how to survive there. and so it kind of just trickled into my life afterwards. So now I'm having to reteach myself.
00:53:48
Speaker
Which, I mean, I really have over the last four years. the friends with benefits thing anymore, Leah. I don't really have one anymore. um I'm not telling you what to do. Wait, no. But I have gotten really good, and I've done it a couple of times, where I've been in a situation where you know like things get heated, and then I was like, you got to go.
00:54:08
Speaker
And they were like, wait, hold on. What are you, like, for real? And I'm like, yeah, for real. Like, I'm really not that into it. I'm proud of you. And I say that because I that's always been how I have been. and then I've met and I you know, when you're just going through your experience, you don't know. And then I met one of my friends was saying like, oh, how do you just say that in the moment? I'm like, I i just say it. But if that's not your experience, it is different. Oh, I didn't say it so many times. Yeah.
00:54:35
Speaker
And that. Yeah, it's just different... didn't say it so many times, and I don't think it's talked about enough, and I know we're going way off, but I don't i think it's talked ah talked about enough how often women sleep with someone who they never wanted to sleep with just because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or they don't want to seem like they're being aggravating or annoying or that they're called a tease. There's so many times when women sleep with someone and they didn't really want to.
00:55:06
Speaker
Yeah, i could I could feel that. I think that that happens a lot. I think i mean, I think men will say, oh, well, same, but it's like, I mean, I think they have a different, it's a totally different. Because every time we do it now, that's a stigma on us. And well and that is 100% like in my era of like, you know, setting boundaries and always from the jump. But I agree, like now, i've it's been like over a year since I've dated. I haven't had anyone in my, even in my bed, not even a sleepover, like over a year. Since I've been in that. Nashville, my it's like I'm like a real middle-aged woman with cats. Except for it's dogs. Yeah, except for they are dogs. No, but um but I agree. I think sometimes, and that literally goes back, and I'll kind of tie it back. I think that literally goes back to
00:55:53
Speaker
as someone that like women, and I think all of us, but women, we do truly sometimes just kind of only see it through this lens. Like, well, what will they think? What will everyone feel like? Will this make it awkward? this help The self abandoned piece, it ties back to that. It's not even about,
00:56:11
Speaker
intimacy and like am I going to do this it's about everything in our life like moving through making decisions to self-abandon instead of saying you know what I don't really want this and not having your own identity your identity being in something else and outside of you yeah exactly the identity I'm a wife so this is just what I do oh I'm the woman and I i brought him to my home so this is what I do you're exactly right so it's not even about that specifically it's like we have to say like, okay, I'm in this space and I'm going to ask for what I truly want. So when you, and when you train yourself to say, you know what, this isn't it, I think you need to leave. It's not to be disrespectful. It's to not self abandon. I'm respecting myself. Yeah. You're, you're respecting yourself. And the wild thing is, is, and I don't know if you, but me personally, I've always been like that. And the amount of, i think men actually like it more.
00:57:02
Speaker
Oh, it's hard to get rid of them then. Yeah. Because I mean, I even had like a, Now we're way off topic, but I even had, and one of my buddies was there, this married man and I was i never would talk to a man that is dating someone or married or anything.
00:57:14
Speaker
I didn't know he was married because he wasn't wearing a ring and we were on the boat, but whatever. And then he was like trying to hit him at me. like, no I wouldn't do that. Like you have a wife. And he's like, well, she doesn't know. And I was like, well, and I was like, I wouldn't do that to her. He's like, you don't know her. I'm like, I don't need to. Yeah, but I could be her. Yeah, like I wouldn't, it wouldn't even, I just don't even like that idea. And so I feel like, but then he's like, well, now I think I like you even more. Like it's like. Married men are the worst. So like I guess to say, if anything, like, you know, self-respect is honestly like all around the better way to go. It's also actually being honest with yourself. 100%. And that's really hard to do.
00:57:57
Speaker
ah No, I mean, I feel like it's the hardest thing. And i think even accepting getting divorced, that's, and we'll wrap it up, is like, that's the thing you have to accept that your life that you built isn't yours forever, isn't perfect, isn't what you thought.
00:58:12
Speaker
And um i'm going to ask you this last question just to kind of close out. So if the woman you were in your marriage met the woman you are now, What do you think she would say to you? That's a really good question. And I've never thought about that. um
00:58:32
Speaker
She wouldn't believe. She would not believe who I am. She would. I don't think she would say much of anything because she. um She spoke everything that she thought, but because she lived in fear.
00:58:48
Speaker
So I don't think she would believe that I am who I am. I don't know how to explain that any better than that. Like she would just be like, nah. that You would never be that way. And it is. it's It's two completely different people. I always think like the woman that I was in my marriage, I mean, there's parts of her, of course, is so different than who you become on the other side. So I just want to tell Leah, thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your story on the pod. Thank you for having me. Absolutely. And I know that there's women that can, and even men to hear this, like you got left and it shook everything up. And I know there's men that listen that their wife left and they're like, I had no clue. And you're kind of giving the woman's perspective of that side of the story where you're just like, no, we got to make this work. And sometimes- It doesn't. And there's something better on the other side and it will all work out. And so if anyone's listening, that's starting over, that relationship's ending. I know it feels like you just want to force it and make it fit because you want that life to stay the same. But I will promise you that the person that you're going to become on the other side of dealing with everything that it takes, you're going to have some good stories. You're going to have some wild messes. Literally, you're going to have to figure out Facebook dating, apparently.
00:59:58
Speaker
Well, and sometimes you say you like adventure in life and the adventure is not always in the forest. Yeah. So um thank you so much. Oh, I also want to remind you quickly, please, please, please share the episode and go rate it five stars. It helps other people find the podcast. You know, people are all loving um The Wild Mess and they want to hear all about it. So I would, it would mean so much.
01:00:23
Speaker
Thank you for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess. You matter.