Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
89 I When Becoming Your Best Self Becomes Exhausting
74 Plays7 days ago
What happens when self-improvement slowly turns your entire life into a performance review?
In this episode, we talk about the pressure of constantly trying to become a better version of ourselves after heartbreak, divorce, healing, and starting over, and what happens when personal growth starts turning into exhaustion instead of fulfillment.
From perfectionism and self-optimization to isolation, fear of getting hurt again, and the pressure to “get life right,” this conversation explores how easy it is to become so focused on healing and improving ourselves that we forget to actually live.
Maybe becoming your best self isn’t about perfecting yourself. Maybe it’s about becoming more present, connected, joyful, and alive while you’re here.
If you've been going through it.. and doubting yourself in any way, this episode is for you.
If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to rate the podcast five stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟. It really helps others find the show.
Make sure to subscribe, follow, and share it with a friend who needs it!
Stay connected and check out all the ways you can follow along!
- Email the show: heather@wanderingthewildmess.com
- Host Instagram: @heatherdyann
- Host Facebook: heatherdyanmorgan
- TikTok: @wanderingthewildmess
- Website: www.wanderingthewildmess.com
- Subscribe to YouTube: www.youtube.com/@wanderingthewildmess
Find free mindset tools & more here:https://stan.store/wanderingthewildmess
Recommended
Transcript
When Does Self-Improvement Become a Performance Review?
00:00:36
Heather Morgan
So you're striving to be that best version of yourself, hoping that one day you'll finally be able to say, look at me now. But what happens when self-improvement slowly turns your entire life into a performance review and you really stop living?
00:01:01
Heather Morgan
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Meth with Heather Morgan. i am so happy that you're here. All right, I want to talk about something that I've talked about so much on the podcast. And it's something that I think a lot of people that you're, if you're here, you've like likely started over at some point or another in your life. And you know that pay post-glow Break up, glow up, whatever, or whenever you get your heart broken, everybody wants to hit the gym, do the best things, change your life. You totally often shift your focus on how can I make myself better?
00:01:45
Heather Morgan
And that's so many of us. And I love that because personal growth is my jam.
The Trap of Self-Optimization
00:01:50
Heather Morgan
i I do believe we're here for expansion and growth, but I want to talk about something that I don't think that enough people are talking about, but a lot of us are likely feeling, especially after changing your life and starting over and doing something new, is that you get so hung up on this self-improvement, self-optimization that you can truly stop living
00:02:16
Heather Morgan
like Somewhere along the way, a lot of us can stop living. And i I know I'm not the only one on this island, I'm sure, because i think part of starting over when you really sit with yourself, and I think most people get there after their life changes, they sit and hopefully self-reflect and look in the mirror, and they're like, how can I be better, which is beautiful.
00:02:46
Heather Morgan
But what i realized in my own journey recently and why I wanted to just relate this with y'all and like talk it through because I know I can't be the only one feeling it is that.
00:03:00
Heather Morgan
I realized in the last year or so as I've been on this journey that I have tried so hard to figure out the best ways to make myself the best that I could possibly be.
00:03:18
Heather Morgan
And It's been a lot and we know I've talked about identity a lot in the episodes and that's really where we're moving through. But I realized that I was starting to want to optimize
The Beauty in Imperfection
00:03:31
Heather Morgan
everything. Everything I did, I was questioning, oh, is that the right move?
00:03:36
Heather Morgan
Is that the right move? And I have my own discernment. I can make these decisions. But what I was worried about was that almost that freeze that you get with perfection so you don't move things along. And I was doing that in a lot of areas in my life, like not waiting to be perfect to do it because you guys are listening to the podcast. It's not always perfect. And I do that purposely for y'all because I want to show that life isn't always perfect and It's just, it is. And there's something beautifully wonderful in it being messy. But then in my own quiet life, I was, how do I, how do I do better? How can I get better? And I just put so much pressure on myself. And I started thinking about it and it was like, I wanted to
00:04:23
Heather Morgan
heal perfectly. I wanted to do the most productive thing. I'm trying to become my higher self. I'm tracking habits. you know I'm listening to Atomic Habits. Great book, by the way. It's linked on my bio or on my website, wanderingthewildmess.com. But I'm doing all this self-improvement stuff.
00:04:43
Heather Morgan
And then I woke up one day and I realized something that I've talked about before. I didn't go on any dates.
00:04:52
Heather Morgan
I went on one, you know, that'll be a story for another time, but out of a year and a half. And i didn't do a lot of living.
00:05:03
Heather Morgan
I was like in this improving optimization mode, which I think is a beautiful season in its own right, right? Sitting with yourself and doing that. But It starts becoming exhausting to think about yourself like in the corporate world, like you're some product and then I'm getting all the KPIs, like key performance
Balancing Fun with Optimization
00:05:28
Heather Morgan
indicators. Like what what what am I doing right? What am I doing wrong? what do i You know what i mean? And that was my whole life was like, no, you can't go out. You can't do this. You got to do this. You got to get enough sleep. you gotta And don't get me wrong. I want healthy, good habits in my life.
00:05:43
Heather Morgan
But I don't want to have so many habits in my life that I'm not even living in anymore.
00:05:50
Heather Morgan
And I think there's this dance that I'm starting to realize that is life where you can optimize your life out of fun and joy and presence and living in the moment.
00:06:06
Heather Morgan
You can want things to be so perfect that you never even life. your life. and i started realizing that recently when I passed on a couple of things that would have been really exciting for me to do that I just thought I had all these other things to do and I didn't do. And you still want to move in alignment, right? Don't force yourself to create fun if if it's not the move. But also don't
00:06:41
Heather Morgan
eliminate that because so much beauty comes from the joy. And I think I'm realizing I'm trying really hard now to find that balance between the messy, fun me and the put together, optimized, more calm, less spontaneous me.
00:07:00
Heather Morgan
Because I'm both and neither one of them is wrong.
00:07:07
Heather Morgan
But for a while I was like, oh my gosh, you know, and there's things I've done in the past that I'm like, okay, that girl is not coming back. But there's other pieces where I'm like, live your life. And I feel like a lot of people, like I literally saw this guy talk about how it's like between, I mean, some people are extreme and I'm not at this level yet, but, and I'm not judging people for wanting to do things to make their life better. Like if that truly feeds your soul, but when we're like not even open to life anymore, because we're just trying to be like the best version of ourself,
00:07:46
Heather Morgan
I think we start missing the point of this human experience. And the reason why this like calls me so much and I just want to share it with you, again, I'm never telling you how to live your life. You know, you have it in your soul. What's the move for you?
00:08:03
Heather Morgan
But if you got caught in this loop and trap of thinking, I'm just optimizing myself in my life. And then it started getting
The Exhaustion of Constant Self-Improvement
00:08:11
Heather Morgan
exhausting because you're like, I need to actually enjoy the time I have here too And I can do both things.
00:08:20
Heather Morgan
And, I was talking to a friend the other night and this is where it pulled me. And I want to tell you this because you probably need to hear it. If there's things going on in your life and you are, you know, doubting or shaming yourself or like wishing that you were further along. I feel like these are all themes throughout my podcast because I know there's such a daunting, exhausting, overwhelming human experience. And when I saw statistics this week, there was saying,
00:08:52
Heather Morgan
80% of men ah are like think of suicide and one in three women are depressed, I'm like, yeah, because we're probably in our heads all the time about needing to be better, that our life should be better. Because if we had more fun and we had more joy and we had more connection, we would have less time to be thinking about how our life isn't the way that we want it to be, so we should probably not be here.
00:09:21
Heather Morgan
Do you know what I'm saying? and I don't want that for us because I know we all have such a purpose. But when we're complete when we're always looking at our life like a performance review, oh, if I'm not in this job, if I don't have a partner, if I don't have this house, if I don't have this thing, then I'm doing it wrong.
00:09:42
Heather Morgan
And those metrics, comparing, those like putting those, like we're not a constant project. Yes, improve, involve, you know, grow, learn, reflect.
00:09:55
Heather Morgan
But don't set your mind as if you're a failure.
00:10:01
Heather Morgan
Because that isn't, not only is it not true, it's not helpful. And you getting the best experience from this life is to doubt yourself so heavily that you literally question why you're here.
00:10:19
Heather Morgan
But when you're having fun, when you're laughing so hard with people you care about, i i know you' you're happy you're here.
00:10:29
Heather Morgan
And I, let me tie it back to kind of why this pulled at my heart
The Importance of Social Connection
00:10:34
Heather Morgan
string. I've been realizing that I need to be in the world more. I've been more intentional about saying yes to things that feel aligned and putting myself back out there. I think I talked about this before in an earlier episode, like, Last year, I traveled a lot for work and things, but I really did not do a lot. I didn't date at all. I didn't have any talking stages. I just literally was working on myself for like an entire year of my life.
00:11:01
Heather Morgan
And it was one of the hardest years I've ever had, if I'm honest. it and which was wild because it wasn't even the year of my divorce, but it was, i was not feeling all the feelings early on because I was numbing and running and not feeling it when the divorce first happened. You just are so overwhelmed that I don't even think you can fully actually process everything happening. So when people tell me they're just getting divorced, it's like, oh my gosh, it's a journey. Cause it's not like, oh, six months post divorce, the world just is wonderful again.
00:11:36
Heather Morgan
Like there is a journey you're embarking on. And so if you're just starting that, I see you and I love you and I feel you and I'm here for you and will listen through binge the whole podcast, babe. That's what I can say. But so this came up, I realized, so I was reflecting
Life's Unpredictability and Acceptance
00:11:58
Heather Morgan
on that. I'm like, okay, this year I'm back out in the world and I've done a little bit of better of a job, which is why I went on the one date that I bet on. But I'm working on that.
00:12:08
Heather Morgan
But again, see, I'm always working on something. so But one thing I did do is I was like, I need to connect more with people. So I'm being more intentional about even calling people. Sometimes I just don't want to burden myself with or burden others with my problems. So I don't reach out when I should. so I'm not a great texter. So all of these things, even though I do have some really great people in my life. So I felt this pull and I've been listening to my polls.
00:12:37
Heather Morgan
And sometimes it's literally me just texting like, eight people, eight of my friends and family and just saying like, hey, I just want to tell you I'm proud of you. I love you. Like sometimes I literally get those polls and I listen to them. And I got this poll to reach out to one of my friends and just call her out of the blue that I hadn't talked to in a little bit. I was thinking about her. She came on my mind. So I called her.
00:13:00
Heather Morgan
And we're talking and, you know, I'm catching her up because we haven't talked in a while. And she was asking about the date and just keeping it really light, asking a lot about me.
00:13:12
Heather Morgan
And i was like, sure, you know, I haven't, whatever. So i'm I'm catching her up. And then we get to her and i felt something. And she ends up telling me that her healthy as can be mother that's never gets sick, always just healthy, was diagnosed with cancer. and I'm thinking about it as she's telling me I'm processing.
00:13:43
Heather Morgan
and it's one of those things where you start realizing that even if she was optimizing her health and doing everything,
00:13:56
Heather Morgan
Sometimes we try to optimize everything because we want control. Like it hit me. Like we want to think, okay, if I don't put myself out there in a relationship, I won't get hurt.
00:14:07
Heather Morgan
If I do all the right exercises and eat all the healthy foods, I won't have to deal with illness. If I do this and this, but life doesn't work like that.
00:14:18
Heather Morgan
And yes, there's probability. Of course, if you're more healthy and active, you're decreasing your odds. Yes, of course, you want the odds in your favor. You should do things that are good for your body and mind.
00:14:32
Heather Morgan
But we do not have the ability in this human experience to control every outcome. And sometimes the reason we're trying to optimize so hard is that we think we can fully protect o ourselves from things that we cannot.
00:14:52
Heather Morgan
And I thought to myself, not only was I just, of course, my heart's just going out for her family and I'm sending so many prayers and I know that it's going to be a journey.
00:15:07
Heather Morgan
And it's really, i think, one of those things where you realize there's a lot of points and times in your life where you are not just starting over, but starting anew.
00:15:19
Heather Morgan
Like this is a whole new thing for her and her family to navigate.
00:15:25
Heather Morgan
And joy is important when you have
00:15:32
Heather Morgan
to hold to hope and faith that it will always work out.
00:15:39
Heather Morgan
Because what else do you have?
00:15:42
Heather Morgan
And there's no
00:15:45
Heather Morgan
optimizing that can be done. i mean, there is, I'm sure there's things she can do, but it's like none of that really even matters now because in her head, it's like, and she was telling me this, like the Irmonds like, ah you know, but I was always just so good.
00:16:02
Heather Morgan
How can this happen? And you realize that even in our lives, a lot of things happen like that. Like you could be the best at your job and still get let go.
00:16:14
Heather Morgan
You could think you have the best relationship or marriage and you could still end in divorce.
00:16:22
Heather Morgan
Am I saying this to scare you? No, because I i don't think fear serves us at all. But I'm saying it in a way to reflect and realize that we almost have to let go of trying to control outcomes by optimizing ourself into a life that we cannot promise.
00:16:43
Heather Morgan
We can increase odds, but nothing is
00:16:51
Heather Morgan
of course, no one wants to get those kind of life quaking news, you know, just like the day that my father died, like changed my trajectory of my life, changed everything I knew.
00:17:07
Heather Morgan
And I had no control over it, right? There was nothing. I couldn't have been a better daughter. I couldn't have done something different. It just was.
00:17:15
Heather Morgan
And there's so many things I think back still on that with all of this just to say that when we start using our life as just how can I be the best I can be instead of how can I actually live and connect with people?
Connecting During Self-Improvement
00:17:33
Heather Morgan
And I know me calling her meant so much. Like I didn't know that was going on. And she had mentioned that her mom didn't really want a lot of people to know. But of course, I don't, I wouldn't, you know, I'm not close to enough to her mother to for me to matter. We don't live in the same state.
00:17:54
Heather Morgan
But I feel like her even being able to tell me and say it out loud felt good because she can talk to a lot of people about it.
00:18:03
Heather Morgan
And that's so important for us to connect instead of to stay closed off. i I realized during my whole trying to work on myself healing journey, like I isolated so much.
00:18:18
Heather Morgan
I mean, there were actual multiple days where I didn't speak to another human being.
00:18:24
Heather Morgan
And that does something to you. When you're so isolated from the world.
00:18:34
Heather Morgan
And I think a lot of people, when they start over, when they do their healing journey, when they they can get stuck in that over-processing, and stop living.
00:18:46
Heather Morgan
And it's like, you got to find that right dance, right? Because the ah'll old me at the beginning of the Wandering Wild mess was just like traveling and doing things and keeping so busy that she didn't have to ever sit with herself and she didn't have to deal with any of her emotions. She could just move through the world like delusional and la la and nothing mattered.
00:19:09
Heather Morgan
But then she wasn't feeling her real life.
00:19:12
Heather Morgan
But then you have the other one where all she's doing is feeling and feeling and feeling and feeling so much she doesn't even have a life anymore. She's just feeling everything.
00:19:25
Heather Morgan
But not doing much of anything. And I do think it served its purpose. There was a lot of things from the past I process and felt. So I'm not saying it's not a necessary season, but at some point you have to move into a new season because your whole identity can get wrapped up in healing and becoming your best self.
00:19:49
Heather Morgan
and And sometimes your best self is someone that is a human that's imperfect, that lives a life and makes mistakes and does things that, you know, oh, that probably wasn't the best, but it's okay. Like I learned, I moved on, I had an experience.
Joy vs. Peace in Life's Pursuits
00:20:04
Heather Morgan
If I would have just thought, no, I just got focus. I'm going listen to music and clean my house instead of calling a friend.
00:20:12
Heather Morgan
Like I would have missed out on a conversation I know I was meant to have.
00:20:17
Heather Morgan
And so I think that even when it comes to a lot of people
00:20:21
Heather Morgan
doing a lot of things in their life, like right now, they're like, I'm just done. I'm not dating. I'm not doing this. I'm not. And I totally get it But i I have a new perspective that I think that we are meant to protect our peace in some way. But if what is peace if if if there's no joy?
00:20:45
Heather Morgan
if there's no human connection that is part of this whole reason. And i think it's easy to get stuck in separating yourself from it once you start healing, especially after divorce or like heartbreak because there's a lot of feelings like, can i I never want to go through that again.
00:21:06
Heather Morgan
i never want to feel let down by someone. I never want to feel like anyone could just leave me. I don't want to feel abandoned. I don't want to feel... the heartbreak I don't want to feel neglected, not chosen, not loved.
00:21:23
Heather Morgan
So I'm just going to avoid altogether and then I'll go that route.
00:21:30
Heather Morgan
But if it's for the purpose of preventing pain so that you can have a false sense of safety, that pain will never find you,
00:21:43
Heather Morgan
hate to be the one to say it and I hate to admit it to myself, but that's not how it works.
00:21:49
Heather Morgan
And will kind of end this by telling you a thought that I've had recently, or I have it a lot actually, about my dog because he's the best dog ever. And I always think, how could I ever get a better dog? And it's so sad that dogs don't live as long as us, right?
00:22:12
Heather Morgan
Like truly. And i know there's going to be a day that I'm not going to have him anymore. And i think about how, like, ah how could I ever get a dog again?
00:22:28
Heather Morgan
And i i saw this man write about that same kind of and thought because I'd had it a lot and then I came across it. And he thought he would never have another dog again and then he found one. And the way that he like articulated it was so beautiful in the sense that he was like
00:22:48
Heather Morgan
that level of pain
00:22:51
Heather Morgan
was worth all of the love that I had all of those years with him.
00:22:59
Heather Morgan
And it's absolutely true. i wouldn't change having my, I wouldn't not have a dog just because he's going to die one day. Right.
00:23:11
Heather Morgan
But a lot of us are living a life so guarded from the joy of having a dog, having things, close connections, people that could hurt us, situations, experiences, because we're like, well, I don't want to feel the pain.
00:23:29
Heather Morgan
So I'm just not going to get a dog. I'm just not going to go on that date. I'm just not going to take that trip. I'm going stay home tonight instead.
00:23:42
Heather Morgan
But we don't know what we're missing because anyone that loves their dog so much knows exactly that they would not say never mind. They will gladly take the pain of losing them for all of the love and joy they get now
00:24:01
Heather Morgan
We just don't know.
Embrace Life with Presence and Joy
00:24:03
Heather Morgan
And so enjoying all of the moments we can, the most that we can, and not just optimizing ourself out of life is really what i'm I'm trying to get across to you.
00:24:17
Heather Morgan
And I'll end this by saying that What I feel in my soul is that maybe becoming your best self isn't about perfecting yourself.
00:24:30
Heather Morgan
Maybe it's about becoming more present, more connected, and more alive while you're here.
00:24:39
Heather Morgan
Laughing more, loving more, calling people, going outside, letting yourself live.
00:24:46
Heather Morgan
Finding the balance that makes life feel like an enjoyable journey, not a never-ending project.
00:24:55
Heather Morgan
If you have someone in your life that you know needs to hear this episode, please send it to them.
00:25:01
Heather Morgan
Please do. And if this helped you heal your heart a little, make sure to rate or give a review to the podcast. It really helps other people to find it.
00:25:13
Heather Morgan
And that's really what I'm here to do is help us all wander this wild mess.
00:25:20
Heather Morgan
Because life is fragile, beautiful, unpredictable, and deeply human. I don't think we're just here to optimize it.
00:25:32
Heather Morgan
I think we're here to live it.
00:25:36
Heather Morgan
So go do something fun right now. Something that makes you smile. This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. matter.
00:25:47
Heather Morgan
matter