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95. Getting Your First Marriage "Out of the Way"
85 Plays8 days ago
People joke about getting their "starter marriage" out of the way.
There are divorce parties, jokes about finally finding the right person after years with the wrong one, and the idea that once your marriage ends, your real life can finally begin.
But I think that story leaves something out....
In this episode, we reflect on the day we say "I do," the moment we believe we know exactly what our lives will look like, and what it feels like when that future changes in ways we never expected.
If you're navigating divorce, wondering why your next chapter hasn't arrived yet, or comparing your timeline to people who seem to move on overnight, I hope this episode reminds you that healing isn't a race. There isn't a prize for getting remarried first, and there isn't one right way to start over.
Maybe your first marriage wasn't just something to get out of the way. Maybe it was one chapter in the story that shaped who you're meant to be.
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Transcript
Humor and Divorce: Coping Mechanisms
00:00:36
Heather Morgan
Have you noticed how casually we talk about divorce now? People throw divorce parties, joke about getting their start or marriage out of the way. And as someone who's been divorced, I get it Sometimes humor is how we survive really painful things. And sometimes celebrating is exactly what someone needs after leaving a marriage that wasn't healthy.
00:00:58
Heather Morgan
But I also think that phrase leaves something out because no one stands at the altar thinking, well, if this doesn't work out, I'll just get my first marriage out of the way.
Heather Morgan's Marriage Reflections
00:01:12
Heather Morgan
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here.
00:01:22
Heather Morgan
It's wild to think that over a decade ago, someone got down on one knee and asked me to spend forever with him. That date just came up this July and it had me all in the feels about the truth of getting your first marriage out of the way.
00:01:42
Heather Morgan
And if it's really such a thing to kind of laugh about, because I often get asked like, Is this what you thought it would be like? You seem so happy. And there's so many aspects that are true about moving through life after divorce. There is so much peace that I found. There are so many beautiful things that have happened. But I would never just say i got my starter marriage out of the way because when I was reflecting back just recently that on that day where my life changed forever,
00:02:18
Heather Morgan
Not from the divorce, but when I said i do. and I think sometimes if we take ourselves back to that moment as someone, if you're someone that's been divorced or you're married or whatever your story may be, and maybe hear from this if you're wanting to marry your partner, there's this moment where I remember the day so vividly.
Marriage Expectations and Traditions
00:02:38
Heather Morgan
We were, it was the day after the 4th of July. So July 5th, we're up American Fort Canyon, American Fort Canyon in Utah, And we had been fishing all day.
00:02:50
Heather Morgan
And it was just such a fun day. I remember i like had caught this big trout and there was a picture of it. And he ends up driving me like high, high up the mountain into this one spot that we'd never been before. He'd been, but I'd never been with him before. And we were like jeeping it up. You really can't get up there. It's a, it's, it takes a long, it took us like an hour to get up there, not because of the distance, but because it's like rock climbing, like crawling up the mountain And i remember we got up to the top and i was like taking, you know, a video of like how beautiful it was.
00:03:26
Heather Morgan
And I turned around and there he was down on one knee.
00:03:33
Heather Morgan
And it almost feels like another me was there, like not the me I am now, if I'm honest. Like I lived her life, but I no longer feel like I'm her. And I don't know if anyone that's been through divorce can relate to that. But I still remember the feeling like i am saying yes to this life, this brand new life.
00:04:00
Heather Morgan
And There's so many emotions in that moment. I don't know that I really was like understanding it, but I think I knew it was the next step and I felt so excited and I just felt like, okay, this is my new identity. Right.
00:04:16
Heather Morgan
And I still remember that going up the mountain at that time, ah Tim McGraw's album, Two Lanes of Freedom, was like on repeat all of the time. And there's like a song that he has that says, someday you're looking back at your life and the memories. This is going to be one of those nights.
00:04:38
Heather Morgan
This is going to be one of those nights is the song. And I think about that because it was. it was one of those
00:04:47
Heather Morgan
moments where you kind of feel like this is what life is. You're getting married.
00:04:54
Heather Morgan
And i feel like so much I've talked about divorce and that starting over, but really when you get married, you're starting this whole new life. Right?
00:05:07
Heather Morgan
And I think the only reason it feels a little bit less like a whole new life is because usually the person that you're doing that new life with isn't new. Like we've known each other for so long. And so it just feels a little different because you're going into this new life with someone else.
00:05:25
Heather Morgan
But i just want to... Give a little credit where credit's due to the idea that as many people may say yes and and end up in divorce, I don't think you just get the marriage out of the way.
00:05:42
Heather Morgan
You get this experience that is honestly, there's so many beautiful things about it. You know, you say yes to not just the person, but to an entire future.
Life After Divorce: Challenges and Healing
00:05:56
Heather Morgan
And in that moment, you think that's going to be your life, that you're going to grow old with them. You start creating traditions, your holidays, the inside jokes.
00:06:10
Heather Morgan
I'm a wife. And you just start accepting like this is my life now. and I was thinking back when I first moved to Nashville and was just so messy.
00:06:26
Heather Morgan
And I think how I was just running wild trying to navigate a new life where I was no longer a wife in bed reading a book by 10
00:06:40
Heather Morgan
Because I was running away from my old life, but I didn't have my new one yet. And I think anyone that's been through divorce or they're contemplating it, it's just part of the journey.
00:06:56
Heather Morgan
You love to think, okay, like that didn't work out. We'll just move on. and And I love that people should, if that's really, if they're not in a healthy relationship, let's move on to something better. I agree. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions in partnership.
00:07:14
Heather Morgan
And it's not because they were the wrong person. It's because you thought with the knowledge that you had then and over time something else became true.
00:07:28
Heather Morgan
And i feel like that's a lot of what it is, is that something else becomes true when you're like, this marriage will only lead me to self-abandon myself if I stay.
00:07:41
Heather Morgan
Or the opposite, if they leave, you're just like, now I just have to figure this all out and get them out of my life now. They they don't want me anymore, so I'll just get that marriage out of the way.
00:07:56
Heather Morgan
But it's crazy because I think it also puts this mindset when we're like celebrating it that it's so joyous and that there isn't in so an insane amount of grieving and pain that comes along with losing a life you once said I do too.
00:08:14
Heather Morgan
And it's so easy to either stay stuck in the, I'm never getting married again. I'm never dating again. I'm never like, I don't want a serious relationship. I'm never doing partnership again. You either, it's so easy to stay on either side or someone just jumps right in without fully healing or maybe God just blesses them with the relationship right out the jump. But I mean, i think a lot of times when you don't have that grieving, it can be hard to navigate, I'm sure.
00:08:48
Heather Morgan
But then you also do this comparison thing. So if you listen to episode 94 with Thea, like we talked about how you get out of this marriage and then it's all these years later.
00:09:01
Heather Morgan
And you still don't have a partner, but then you're seeing people that are like, oh, so six months, I left them and I found the love of my life. And you're like, oh, well, that was quick.
00:09:14
Heather Morgan
And it doesn't work like that for everyone. And that can be kind of disheartening sometimes when you're like, okay, I'll just get the wrong one out of the way so that I can get the good one, the right one, the partner, someone else will come along. And then when they don't immediately come along, or then when you've done the little dance and you've seen the different people out there, like I've heard this a lot, like then people go, wait a minute.
00:09:46
Heather Morgan
oh, being single after being married is not what I thought it would be. And honestly, the crazy thing is, and I've talked about this before, I never even really thought what would being single would be like. It just wasn't my thought. I just wanted out of my marriage.
00:10:04
Heather Morgan
I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. I wanted out of my marriage and I wasn't thinking about Oh, and then I'm going to date and marry this other man, or I'm just going to hurry up and get back in a relationship because I knew i was not in a space for that.
00:10:22
Heather Morgan
I 100% own that. And I think back about it because i like I said, I have friends that are still like, I'm not doing the dating thing and it's been years later. And I think you know everyone has their own journey. But it's funny because when I first got out of my divorce, there was ah at least two really good solid guys that I had met and – wanted to like go on dates with me, like, you know, progress something. And I, and they were really like mature about it. And I was just like, honestly, like, because I knew there were such good dudes and their intentions were for something more long-term, was like, I can't even entertain that because I'm not even in a place that I could
00:11:06
Heather Morgan
string these men along because I know their intentions. And so I kept myself in this very like non-serious vibe. and you guys have heard it if you've listened at the beginning of the podcast, just to keep my space from having an overwhelming and amount of emotions for someone.
00:11:29
Heather Morgan
And it's crazy because I think back about those two really good guys that I met and like one is engaged and the other one like lives with his girlfriend. So it's like I was right. They were very like ready to commit kind of guys.
00:11:42
Heather Morgan
And i think that's one thing you kind of have to be honest about when you get out of marriage too. It's like you might want to find someone really quick because that'd be great. But then you also realize maybe I'm not ready to be a partner yet.
00:12:01
Heather Morgan
And that was something that I had to grapple with. Like we want to get out of that marriage, but it's like either we're going to be single forever because screw that, marriage was awful, or we're going to jump back in.
00:12:15
Heather Morgan
and I think both of them are indicators that there's some healing to do.
Identity Transformation Post-Divorce
00:12:22
Heather Morgan
Because
00:12:24
Heather Morgan
Leaving a marriage, I've said it before and I'll say it again, it is an identity death. You had literally signed up to, for better for worse, be that person's person.
00:12:38
Heather Morgan
And now you're not.
00:12:40
Heather Morgan
And it's... It's a feeling that I'm still talking about, but I'm saying it because there's so many people I see are going through it, are contemplating it, feel like it's on their horizon. And I just, marriage is just something that, although we joke and you get divorced, whatever, but it is something that's so
00:13:06
Heather Morgan
important to really think about when you're dating. Because for me, i get it. I'm not really dating. But when I do find someone that i want to spend a lot of time with, like I am going to be so intentional.
00:13:26
Heather Morgan
Because I think so many times we just aren't really, i mean, even in my marriage, I just, there was so many things I just, I feel like when you're young, you just don't even think about you just start dating someone and you don't really always think about how are they going to be as a partner forever.
00:13:51
Heather Morgan
And when I say this too, and if you've listened to the episode that's like how I knew I needed to leave my marriage, I think it's number 90, like I didn't marry this like awful person.
00:14:05
Heather Morgan
I just thought something that existed could change if we got married.
00:14:11
Heather Morgan
And I'm saying all this because there is no need in my eyes to pretend that
00:14:21
Heather Morgan
Divorce isn't that hard. If you're listening and you're thinking about it, I'm not trying to deter you one way or another, but I just want you to know that it is a process that will strip so much of who you thought you were away from you that it almost becomes
00:14:40
Heather Morgan
debilitating.
00:14:42
Heather Morgan
Because you truly have to look at yourself and start over. And you don't have that person that gets you. And you don't have that person in your corner to say, let's go.
00:14:55
Heather Morgan
it's it's you.
00:14:57
Heather Morgan
And life just looks a lot differently. And I was thinking back on all of this just really to say that through life, the biggest blessing we could have is learn to adapt.
00:15:10
Heather Morgan
I think so many things come up in our life, whether it's divorce or different grief and loss and all of that. And the one thing that seems true is that the better we are at being able to adapt to our situations, things that are out of our control, things that we have to navigate and that are hard even if we don't want to navigate them, the more that we can adapt to change, the better off we'll be.
00:15:36
Heather Morgan
But we don't need to pretend that it doesn't hurt.
00:15:40
Heather Morgan
But we can't stay angry at it. And we can't laugh it off like it's no big deal. We don't care. We'll just live miserably forever.
00:15:51
Heather Morgan
no
00:15:53
Heather Morgan
I truly do believe that people are meant for connections.
00:15:58
Heather Morgan
And when we isolate ourselves from allowing those into our lives, I think we miss a lot of really great opportunities. because we want it to be perfect.
00:16:11
Heather Morgan
And I think sometimes we just have to let things be.
00:16:16
Heather Morgan
My marriage wasn't perfect and it ended, but I'm glad it happened,
00:16:22
Heather Morgan
that I loved the pain that I felt leaving it. no
00:16:29
Heather Morgan
But it was worth everything I gained
00:16:34
Heather Morgan
while being in it.
00:16:36
Heather Morgan
So i don't think I got my first marriage out of the way. i think it shaped me. i think it taught me. i think it broke me.
00:16:47
Heather Morgan
and I think it rebuilt me. And I think it became part of the story that led me here.
00:16:54
Heather Morgan
So if you're in the middle of starting over, don't let the internet or Sally or anybody else convince you you're behind. There isn't a prize for healing the fastest and there isn't a trophy for getting remarried first.
Personal Growth Through Life's Chapters
00:17:12
Heather Morgan
Your job isn't to race into your next chapter. Your job is to become the kind of person who can fully live in it when it arrives. Because maybe your first marriage wasn't just something to get out of the way.
00:17:27
Heather Morgan
Maybe it was one chapter in a much bigger story. And if you're still writing that story, you're not behind.
00:17:38
Heather Morgan
It's all unfolding.
00:17:42
Heather Morgan
Thank you for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.